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00:00:10,943 --> 00:00:14,553
(upbeat music)
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00:00:14,621 --> 00:00:17,863
♪♪ ♪♪
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00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:20,839
(sighs) Do you ever get
nostalgic for things you
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00:00:20,906 --> 00:00:23,112
‐didn't actually experience?
‐(phone buzzes)
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Ugh.
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00:00:24,918 --> 00:00:26,221
Like the Mongol
conquest?
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00:00:26,288 --> 00:00:28,963
I was thinking
more like the '60s.
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00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:30,736
Oh, now that
takes me back‐‐
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00:00:30,802 --> 00:00:34,212
the 1260s
when we conquered Damascus.
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00:00:34,279 --> 00:00:35,515
You know, personally
I've always felt like
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I should have been
born earlier.
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00:00:37,221 --> 00:00:38,660
‐Like, how earlier?
‐I don't know.
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Anywhere from like
100 to 5,000 years ago.
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You wish you were born
5,000 years ago?
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00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:46,281
Yeah! Probably
would have been
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00:00:46,348 --> 00:00:48,020
the queen of my own barbarian
tribe or something.
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00:00:48,087 --> 00:00:51,363
I would way rather do that
than work in an office.
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Tanya,
I totally agree.
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I probably
would have been
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00:00:54,741 --> 00:00:56,714
the magistrate
of an ancient city,
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and we might've
even been friends.
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Yes! We definitely
would have been friends.
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You would provide grain
for my people,
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00:01:02,765 --> 00:01:06,308
and my warriors would offer not
to destroy your city in return.
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00:01:06,375 --> 00:01:07,947
That does
sound like me.
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00:01:08,014 --> 00:01:10,220
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
ancient times were terrifying
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and filled with danger.
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Uh, yeah, that's why
I would be the danger, dude.
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And that's why
I would pay her off.
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(phone buzzing)
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00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:19,347
Tanya, hey,
is that your phone?
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00:01:19,414 --> 00:01:21,386
Ugh, yeah,
it's probably work.
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00:01:21,453 --> 00:01:24,128
I'm juggling like 37 projects
right now.
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00:01:24,195 --> 00:01:25,498
But it's Saturday.
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00:01:25,566 --> 00:01:28,107
Unfortunately,
Saturday is the new Thursday.
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What's Thursday then?
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Thursday
has always been Tuesday.
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Mm. Nobody tells me
these things.
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(Tanya groans)
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See, if this was ancient times,
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nobody would be able to
text me on the weekend.
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Yeah, and I wouldn't have to
run my online T‐shirt business.
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I could've run
an ancient city.
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Kevin, you love
your online T‐shirt business.
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What about person carrot?
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KEVIN: Designing cute things
to put on T‐shirts
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just isn't my destiny.
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I want a cooler destiny
than that,
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00:01:52,748 --> 00:01:55,522
one that's not tied up
in frivolous consumer goods
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00:01:55,589 --> 00:01:57,427
and brilliant comedic wordplay.
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00:01:57,494 --> 00:02:00,403
Sadly, Kev, our destinies
may lie in the past.
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(both sigh)
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00:02:01,942 --> 00:02:02,978
I have an idea.
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How about we go to the
Museum of Ancient History?
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That way, we can see
how horrible and scary
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old times
actually would have been.
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‐KEVIN: Ugh, fine.
‐Ugh!
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♪♪ ♪♪
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ERNESTO:
This can't be it.
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KEVIN: It says
"Ancient History Museum."
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Shit, we were looking for
the Museum of Ancient History.
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‐TANYA: Uh, same thing?
‐Meh, I guess.
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(ominous chords)
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All...right.
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What terrifying lessons of
the past should we learn first?
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00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,850
Ooh, terrifying, you say?
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Oh, sorry, is this
the Museum of Ancient History?
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This is the Ancient
History Museum.
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Same thingy.
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Now, what was that
about terror?
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Are we scared
about the ancient world
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and its many wonders
and also mysteriosisosis?
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(Kevin laughing)
I'm not scared.
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I'm just trying
to show my friends
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that we have it way better
in modern times,
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and living in the ancient world
was constantly horrible.
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Well, what if I was
to tell you
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00:03:03,794 --> 00:03:05,734
that you are incorrect
about me,
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and that, and this,
and everything?
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(gasps) Oh!
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00:03:09,443 --> 00:03:10,882
That's exactly what
I was saying.
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Well, then you've come to
the right place, tasty dudes!
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Who wants
to see some cool swords?
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‐BOTH: I do.
‐Well, great!
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My next tour starts
right now!
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Follow me!
Come, come, come, come!
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‐Oh, my God, I love you.
‐Um...
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MY name is Gil, BTWs.
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It's short for Gilandrical,
Gilandrical Kartorious.
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KEVIN: Weird name.
I love it.
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GIL: Yes, it's very old,
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just like everything
in this museum.
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Mm, uh...
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In ancient times, pretty
much everyone had swords.
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KEVIN: Really?
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It was as common as,
like, cell phones are now.
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‐Wow!
‐Swords were used
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to cut people, bread‐‐
lots of stuff.
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00:03:46,857 --> 00:03:50,433
Um, would any of these happen
to be barbarian swords?
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00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,172
Several in fact, yeah.
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This one here was wielded
by a barbarian ruler
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who almost took down
all of the Romans,
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all of those dudes
and ladies at once.
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It was really cool.
Come, you slow‐pokeys!
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Don't touch!
Let's go.
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What the‐‐hey!
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GIL: At its peak,
this great ciudad
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00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:11,062
was home to over
50,000 inhabitants,
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and none of them
liked each other, no.
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‐No get along gang here!
‐Ooh, Gilandrical,
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can I ask a question?
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I mean, Gil is fine.
Also, yah.
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Gil, theoretically,
would someone
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00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:24,736
who now operates
an online T‐shirt business
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have the skills necessary
to become‐‐
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oh, I don't know‐‐
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magistrate
of such a great city?
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Ha ha ha! Oh, yes.
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I think it's
a very similar skill set.
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00:04:35,837 --> 00:04:39,815
But why settle for bureaucracy
when you could be...a god?
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‐(gasps)
‐(eerie music)
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These statues represent the
gods of an ancient pantheon.
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You've got such classics
as cow person,
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cat person, regular cow,
bear person...
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‐What the f‐‐
‐GIL: And of course,
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this kick‐ass bird/lion hybrid!
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(gasps)
That guy looks like me!
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Except even more beautiful!
129
00:05:01,614 --> 00:05:04,388
Oh, he does look
like you, huh?
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00:05:04,455 --> 00:05:06,762
Is no one else
weirded out by this?
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00:05:06,829 --> 00:05:09,036
These things
look exactly like us.
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00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:11,945
‐Which one looks like you?
‐Ha. The bear one, obviously.
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‐Uh...
‐Eh, not really, dude.
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00:05:14,518 --> 00:05:17,093
Yeah, that statue is in way
better shape than you are.
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It's a statue.
It can't be in shape.
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00:05:20,036 --> 00:05:22,275
It's made of dirty old clay
or whatever.
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00:05:22,342 --> 00:05:25,184
It's actually made
of an indestructible minerality
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00:05:25,251 --> 00:05:28,193
found only at the deepest parts
of the ocean.
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00:05:28,260 --> 00:05:30,935
Nobody knows how this ancient
civilization even got it.
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00:05:31,002 --> 00:05:33,576
Okay, I don't believe any of
the shit this dude is saying.
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Ernesto, chill, dude.
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Are you jealous
because I have a hot statue
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00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,794
‐and you don't?
‐I have a hot statue, too!
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00:05:39,861 --> 00:05:41,099
That's why it's weird!
145
00:05:41,165 --> 00:05:44,041
It's just
a coincidenciality,
146
00:05:44,108 --> 00:05:45,980
an occurrence of things
that are just weird
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00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:47,652
but do not mean anything,
guys!
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00:05:47,718 --> 00:05:48,888
Relaxy, please.
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00:05:48,956 --> 00:05:50,661
We haven't even
seen the mummy yet.
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00:05:50,727 --> 00:05:52,700
‐You have a mummy?
‐Hells, yeah,
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00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,572
we got those mummies!
Let's go.
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00:05:54,639 --> 00:05:56,779
(Kevin laughs)
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00:05:56,845 --> 00:05:59,186
(grunts)
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00:05:59,253 --> 00:06:02,663
Damn it.
Oh, hey, wait, you guys!
155
00:06:03,633 --> 00:06:06,742
I've been getting weird vibes
ever since we walked in here,
156
00:06:06,809 --> 00:06:08,781
and now this guy wants
to show us a mummy?
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00:06:08,848 --> 00:06:12,827
‐That's a literal dead body.
‐It's a super old dead body.
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‐It doesn't count.
‐It's called an antique.
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Antique or not,
this place is weird.
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Gil is creepy,
and I say we go home.
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00:06:19,681 --> 00:06:20,784
No, I can't.
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00:06:20,851 --> 00:06:22,522
The longer I spend here,
the closer I feel
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00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:25,097
to my ancient destiny
as a barbarian ruler.
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It is intoxicating.
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00:06:27,003 --> 00:06:28,608
And the longer
I spend here,
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00:06:28,675 --> 00:06:31,717
the more I realize I would have
made an incredible god.
167
00:06:31,784 --> 00:06:33,823
One of the best gods,
Ernesto.
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00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:36,064
Come on!
Let's go check out this mummy.
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00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:37,935
Fine, I'll look
at the dead person,
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00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:39,941
but if anyone tries to sell us
a museum membership,
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00:06:40,009 --> 00:06:41,512
I am outta here.
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00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:42,817
‐KEVIN: Of course!
‐Of course, let's go.
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00:06:42,883 --> 00:06:44,121
ERNESTO: They make you
feel really bad
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00:06:44,188 --> 00:06:45,859
if you try to cancel‐‐
that's why I still have
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00:06:45,926 --> 00:06:47,464
my membership
at the Kaleidoscope Museum.
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00:06:47,530 --> 00:06:49,169
KEVIN: Oh, I love
the Kaleidoscope Museum.
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00:06:49,236 --> 00:06:52,078
It's my favorite
Kaleidoscope‐based institution.
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00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,953
Willkommen to the Mummy Room.
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00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:57,394
This is the Great Queen.
180
00:06:57,460 --> 00:07:00,972
‐TANYA: Oh, the Great Queen?
‐GIL: The greatest of all time.
181
00:07:01,038 --> 00:07:02,710
She ruled an empire.
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00:07:02,777 --> 00:07:06,154
She commanded thousands
of loyal followers.
183
00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:08,795
And she was apparently
super easy to talk to,
184
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:11,068
just like a really
wunderbar personality.
185
00:07:11,135 --> 00:07:12,539
Everybody said so.
186
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:16,084
Damn, that kind of power,
that kind of leadership?
187
00:07:16,150 --> 00:07:19,159
I bet nobody would email her
about work on a Saturday.
188
00:07:19,226 --> 00:07:22,302
Uh, definitely not, they would
have been immediately exiled.
189
00:07:22,368 --> 00:07:24,041
What was this queen's name?
190
00:07:24,108 --> 00:07:26,314
Her name was Tanya.
191
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,852
‐TANYA: What?
‐ERNESTO: Oh, come on!
192
00:07:27,918 --> 00:07:29,423
KEVIN: Oh, my God, Tanya.
That's your name.
193
00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:31,329
Are you messing with me,
Gilandrius?
194
00:07:31,395 --> 00:07:34,572
Gilandrical or Gil,
and wait a minute.
195
00:07:34,639 --> 00:07:37,113
What‐‐are you saying to me
196
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:40,222
that your name is Tanya?
197
00:07:40,289 --> 00:07:43,064
And you look like
that hot birdie?
198
00:07:43,131 --> 00:07:46,340
And you're...also here?
199
00:07:46,407 --> 00:07:48,848
What a weird series
of coincidinkies,
200
00:07:48,915 --> 00:07:50,386
which, as we all know...
201
00:07:50,452 --> 00:07:52,358
ALL: Is an occurrence of things
202
00:07:52,425 --> 00:07:54,699
that are just weird
but don't mean anything.
203
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,404
Are you guys even listening
to yourselves?
204
00:07:56,470 --> 00:07:59,079
Can you not be downer
for like five seconds
205
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,017
of this museum experience?
206
00:08:01,085 --> 00:08:03,893
‐Learn!
‐It's almost too perfect.
207
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,500
No...yes...maybe?
208
00:08:06,568 --> 00:08:08,941
But also could be‐‐
but it can't be.
209
00:08:09,008 --> 00:08:10,714
(gasps)
The tour is over!
210
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:12,485
The museum is closed!
Auf wiedersehen!
211
00:08:12,553 --> 00:08:13,421
Gil, wait!
212
00:08:13,488 --> 00:08:16,397
Shit,
what a half‐assed tour.
213
00:08:16,464 --> 00:08:18,236
We only saw
like two rooms.
214
00:08:18,303 --> 00:08:20,342
Let's just get out of here.
215
00:08:20,409 --> 00:08:22,783
Oh, no, we're locked in.
216
00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:25,224
Gilandrical, Gilandrical!
217
00:08:25,291 --> 00:08:27,430
Wow, where did he run off to?
218
00:08:27,497 --> 00:08:29,571
Maybe he had to...
(quietly) poo.
219
00:08:29,637 --> 00:08:33,081
He did not have to poo
because he...
220
00:08:33,148 --> 00:08:35,019
‐is me!
‐(dramatic musical sting)
221
00:08:35,087 --> 00:08:36,725
Oh, Gil, cool.
222
00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:38,998
Uh, can you open the door so we
can leave your weird museum?
223
00:08:39,066 --> 00:08:41,072
I'm afraid I cannot.
224
00:08:41,138 --> 00:08:43,244
Explain yourself,
Gilandrical!
225
00:08:43,311 --> 00:08:45,384
It's Gil, excuse me,
and for years,
226
00:08:45,451 --> 00:08:47,658
I've searched
for the perfect hosts,
227
00:08:47,725 --> 00:08:52,138
the Queen, the Bird,
and the Bear.
228
00:08:52,205 --> 00:08:54,679
Yeah, I don't know.
Doesn't really look like him.
229
00:08:54,746 --> 00:08:56,517
I know.
This one's a stretch.
230
00:08:56,585 --> 00:08:58,658
Dude, it totally
looks like me.
231
00:08:58,724 --> 00:09:00,964
If I was, like,
a little more shredded,
232
00:09:01,031 --> 00:09:02,636
you would definitely see it.
233
00:09:02,703 --> 00:09:04,642
It's no matter.
It's close enough, okay?
234
00:09:04,709 --> 00:09:09,389
Tonight the Great Queen and
her revered deities rise again.
235
00:09:09,456 --> 00:09:11,863
Their spirits
will fuse with yours,
236
00:09:11,930 --> 00:09:15,407
and they will walk the Earth
once more through you.
237
00:09:15,474 --> 00:09:17,881
Either you come willingly,
or I‐‐
238
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,286
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
239
00:09:19,353 --> 00:09:21,693
You want to give me the powers
of this ancient queen
240
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,501
and basically make me
the new queen?
241
00:09:24,569 --> 00:09:27,477
That's correct,
and then through dark magic‐‐
242
00:09:27,543 --> 00:09:28,614
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
243
00:09:28,681 --> 00:09:30,386
And would I get
to set my own hours?
244
00:09:30,452 --> 00:09:32,225
Oh, sure, yeah, yeah,
you would totally be in charge.
245
00:09:32,291 --> 00:09:34,966
And could we confirm
that I would be a god,
246
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,237
one of the best around?
247
00:09:36,303 --> 00:09:39,747
One of the best of all
of the arounds.
248
00:09:39,814 --> 00:09:41,452
Well, that's all
I need to hear.
249
00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:43,224
‐I'm in.
‐Way ahead of you, dude.
250
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,829
‐Whoa, whoa, whoa‐‐
‐Ernesto, look at me.
251
00:09:44,896 --> 00:09:48,306
You're telling me you
don't want to be a god?
252
00:09:48,373 --> 00:09:50,580
They're even making
an exception for you!
253
00:09:50,647 --> 00:09:53,354
Okay, ignoring the fact that
I'm a shoo‐in for the god
254
00:09:53,421 --> 00:09:55,093
due to obvious physical
similarities,
255
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,200
this whole thing feels weird.
256
00:09:57,266 --> 00:09:59,105
‐We should leave.
‐Come on.
257
00:09:59,172 --> 00:10:00,710
Now.
258
00:10:02,114 --> 00:10:05,022
Oh, come on, Ernesto.
You're ruining the vibe.
259
00:10:05,089 --> 00:10:06,427
‐Come on.
‐Come on!
260
00:10:06,494 --> 00:10:07,898
‐HENCHMAN: Just do it, man.
‐Come on.
261
00:10:07,965 --> 00:10:09,570
All right, all right, geez.
262
00:10:09,637 --> 00:10:11,408
You guys are so annoying.
263
00:10:11,475 --> 00:10:14,451
TANYA: Yes, peer pressure
for the win!
264
00:10:14,518 --> 00:10:18,028
(ominous music)
265
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:23,813
♪♪ ♪♪
266
00:10:23,879 --> 00:10:25,585
ERNESTO:
Can you guys see anything?
267
00:10:25,652 --> 00:10:27,891
I'm just staring
at a wall here.
268
00:10:27,958 --> 00:10:30,265
Let the ritual commence!
269
00:10:30,332 --> 00:10:33,106
Yes, barbarian queen!
270
00:10:33,173 --> 00:10:36,918
Let's start this ritual!
(laughs)
271
00:10:36,985 --> 00:10:37,855
ERNESTO:
Oh, no.
272
00:10:37,921 --> 00:10:40,730
Let the greatest queen
rise again
273
00:10:40,797 --> 00:10:43,170
to unite the world
under her rule...
274
00:10:43,238 --> 00:10:44,609
‐KEVIN: Yes!
‐And to oversee
275
00:10:44,675 --> 00:10:48,520
dozens of projects
that will restore her glory...
276
00:10:48,587 --> 00:10:50,392
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oversee what?
277
00:10:50,459 --> 00:10:52,566
GIL: And to be available
at all of the hours
278
00:10:52,633 --> 00:10:54,705
for various questions
that any of us may have.
279
00:10:54,772 --> 00:10:56,109
All hours?
280
00:10:56,175 --> 00:10:59,319
GIL: And let the bird and also
the bear rise again as well,
281
00:10:59,386 --> 00:11:00,924
so that their images
may be printed
282
00:11:00,990 --> 00:11:02,896
on tens of hundreds
of T‐shirts.
283
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,738
Wait, hold up, T‐shirts?
That's not very epic.
284
00:11:05,805 --> 00:11:07,008
Gil, uh, Gil, wait a minute.
285
00:11:07,075 --> 00:11:08,714
But what?
I'm in the middle of something.
286
00:11:08,781 --> 00:11:10,553
No, I get that, but this
is actually sounding like
287
00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:12,593
a not great arrangement.
288
00:11:12,659 --> 00:11:14,531
I'm really just looking for
more flexible work hours.
289
00:11:14,599 --> 00:11:17,240
And I'm trying to get out
of the T‐shirt game.
290
00:11:17,306 --> 00:11:20,617
Honestly, I can make you fuse
with the ruling spirits
291
00:11:20,683 --> 00:11:23,123
of this dead empire,
but I'd rather find somebody
292
00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:24,695
who, like, wants it, you know?
293
00:11:24,762 --> 00:11:26,901
Somebody who's gonna be
with the team for a while,
294
00:11:26,968 --> 00:11:29,242
because these guys
deserve that.
295
00:11:29,309 --> 00:11:30,680
‐For sure, man.
‐Whoo‐hoo!
296
00:11:30,747 --> 00:11:31,983
Ah, Gil, you're my guy!
We love you, Gil.
297
00:11:32,050 --> 00:11:33,922
I love you as well,
hooded figures!
298
00:11:33,989 --> 00:11:35,628
They do seem like
a good group.
299
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,269
Oh, hells yeah, I would
do anything for those guys.
300
00:11:38,336 --> 00:11:40,743
All right, everyone, let's get
the hells out of here.
301
00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:42,816
Who wants
a circular carbohydrate?
302
00:11:42,883 --> 00:11:44,521
‐Code name for pizza!
‐Whoo‐hoo!
303
00:11:44,588 --> 00:11:46,293
‐Can we get pineapple?
‐Yes, yah, yah.
304
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,499
HENCHMAN:
No more YAS, bitches.
305
00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:56,022
Hello?
Uh, guys?
306
00:11:56,089 --> 00:11:58,931
You're free to go,
home slices.
307
00:11:58,998 --> 00:12:01,372
Hold up, are we making
the right decision here?
308
00:12:01,438 --> 00:12:02,976
If we walk out this door,
309
00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:04,582
we are right back
where we started.
310
00:12:04,648 --> 00:12:06,387
Hey, may I
tell you something
311
00:12:06,453 --> 00:12:07,691
that's going to sound, like,
uber cheesy?
312
00:12:07,758 --> 00:12:09,462
‐Sure.
‐You can always talk to me
313
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:11,134
‐about cheese.
‐Me as well.
314
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,477
Find what makes you happy,
and do it forever.
315
00:12:14,545 --> 00:12:15,782
I mean, look at me.
316
00:12:15,848 --> 00:12:18,055
I love trying to revive
this ancient empire
317
00:12:18,121 --> 00:12:20,429
and revert the world
to a premodern state,
318
00:12:20,495 --> 00:12:21,766
and do you know what?
319
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:24,875
It never feels like work,
not one day of it.
320
00:12:24,942 --> 00:12:28,386
I wake up every day excited
to try to find suitable hosts
321
00:12:28,453 --> 00:12:31,629
for the spirits and
to commence the ritual, yes.
322
00:12:31,696 --> 00:12:33,769
‐Oh, thanks, Gil.
‐TANYA: Thanks, Gil.
323
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:36,175
Oh, and hey, please
to be telling your friends
324
00:12:36,242 --> 00:12:37,848
about the
Ancient History Museum.
325
00:12:37,914 --> 00:12:41,224
In terms of making our rent,
utilities bills, etc.,
326
00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:43,732
we're doing very poorly,
so spread the word, yes?
327
00:12:43,799 --> 00:12:45,102
We will, Gil.
328
00:12:45,169 --> 00:12:47,711
We actually do offer
annual museum memberships
329
00:12:47,778 --> 00:12:49,114
at a discount
if you're interested.
330
00:12:49,181 --> 00:12:50,887
You can sign up right now.
I'm ready.
331
00:12:50,953 --> 00:12:53,695
Noooooo!
332
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,138
(growling)
333
00:12:57,205 --> 00:12:58,175
(grunting)
334
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,250
Arrrhhh!
335
00:13:01,317 --> 00:13:03,959
(huffs)