Do you ever get nostalgic for things you
‐didn't actually experience?
Ugh.
Like the Mongol conquest?
I was thinking more like the '60s.
Oh, now that takes me back‐‐
the 1260s when we conquered Damascus.
You know, personally I've always felt like
I should have been born earlier.
‐Like, how earlier? ‐I don't know.
Anywhere from like 100 to 5,000 years ago.
You wish you were born 5,000 years ago?
Yeah! Probably would have been
the queen of my own barbarian tribe or something.
I would way rather do that than work in an office.
Tanya, I totally agree.
I probably would have been
the magistrate of an ancient city,
and we might've even been friends.
Yes! We definitely would have been friends.
You would provide grain for my people,
and my warriors would offer not to destroy your city in return.
That does sound like me.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure ancient times were terrifying
and filled with danger.
Uh, yeah, that's why I would be the danger, dude.
And that's why I would pay her off.
Tanya, hey, is that your phone?
Ugh, yeah, it's probably work.
I'm juggling like 37 projects right now.
But it's Saturday.
Unfortunately, Saturday is the new Thursday.
What's Thursday then?
Thursday has always been Tuesday.
Mm. Nobody tells me these things.
See, if this was ancient times,
nobody would be able to text me on the weekend.
Yeah, and I wouldn't have to run my online T‐shirt business.
I could've run an ancient city.
Kevin, you love your online T‐shirt business.
What about person carrot?
Designing cute things to put on T‐shirts
just isn't my destiny.
I want a cooler destiny than that,
one that's not tied up in frivolous consumer goods
and brilliant comedic wordplay.
Sadly, Kev, our destinies may lie in the past.
I have an idea.
How about we go to the Museum of Ancient History?
That way, we can see how horrible and scary
old times actually would have been.
‐KEVIN: Ugh, fine. ‐Ugh!
ERNESTO: This can't be it.
It says "Ancient History Museum."
Shit, we were looking for the Museum of Ancient History.
‐TANYA: Uh, same thing? ‐Meh, I guess.
All...right.
What terrifying lessons of the past should we learn first?
Ooh, terrifying, you say?
Oh, sorry, is this the Museum of Ancient History?
This is the Ancient History Museum.
Same thingy.
Now, what was that about terror?
Are we scared about the ancient world
and its many wonders and also mysteriosisosis?
I'm not scared.
I'm just trying to show my friends
that we have it way better in modern times,
and living in the ancient world was constantly horrible.
Well, what if I was to tell you
that you are incorrect about me,
and that, and this, and everything?
Oh!
That's exactly what I was saying.
Well, then you've come to the right place, tasty dudes!
Who wants to see some cool swords?
‐BOTH: I do. ‐Well, great!
My next tour starts right now!
Follow me! Come, come, come, come!
‐Oh, my God, I love you. ‐Um...
MY name is Gil, BTWs.
It's short for Gilandrical, Gilandrical Kartorious.
Weird name. I love it.
Yes, it's very old,
just like everything in this museum.
Mm, uh...
In ancient times, pretty much everyone had swords.
Really?
It was as common as, like, cell phones are now.
‐Wow! ‐Swords were used
to cut people, bread‐‐ lots of stuff.
Um, would any of these happen to be barbarian swords?
Several in fact, yeah.
This one here was wielded by a barbarian ruler
who almost took down all of the Romans,
all of those dudes and ladies at once.
It was really cool. Come, you slow‐pokeys!
Don't touch! Let's go.
What the‐‐hey!
At its peak, this great ciudad
was home to over 50,000 inhabitants,
and none of them liked each other, no.
‐No get along gang here! ‐Ooh, Gilandrical,
can I ask a question?
I mean, Gil is fine. Also, yah.
Gil, theoretically, would someone
who now operates an online T‐shirt business
have the skills necessary to become‐‐
oh, I don't know‐‐
magistrate of such a great city?
Ha ha ha! Oh, yes.
I think it's a very similar skill set.
But why settle for bureaucracy when you could be...a god?
These statues represent the gods of an ancient pantheon.
You've got such classics as cow person,
cat person, regular cow, bear person...
‐What the f‐‐ ‐GIL: And of course,
this kick‐ass bird/lion hybrid!
That guy looks like me!
Except even more beautiful!
Oh, he does look like you, huh?
Is no one else weirded out by this?
These things look exactly like us.
‐Which one looks like you? ‐Ha. The bear one, obviously.
‐Uh... ‐Eh, not really, dude.
Yeah, that statue is in way better shape than you are.
It's a statue. It can't be in shape.
It's made of dirty old clay or whatever.
It's actually made of an indestructible minerality
found only at the deepest parts of the ocean.
Nobody knows how this ancient civilization even got it.
Okay, I don't believe any of the shit this dude is saying.
Ernesto, chill, dude.
Are you jealous because I have a hot statue
‐and you don't? ‐I have a hot statue, too!
That's why it's weird!
It's just a coincidenciality,
an occurrence of things that are just weird
but do not mean anything, guys!
Relaxy, please.
We haven't even seen the mummy yet.
‐You have a mummy? ‐Hells, yeah,
we got those mummies! Let's go.
Damn it. Oh, hey, wait, you guys!
I've been getting weird vibes ever since we walked in here,
and now this guy wants to show us a mummy?
‐That's a literal dead body. ‐It's a super old dead body.
‐It doesn't count. ‐It's called an antique.
Antique or not, this place is weird.
Gil is creepy, and I say we go home.
No, I can't.
The longer I spend here, the closer I feel
to my ancient destiny as a barbarian ruler.
It is intoxicating.
And the longer I spend here,
the more I realize I would have made an incredible god.
One of the best gods, Ernesto.
Come on! Let's go check out this mummy.
Fine, I'll look at the dead person,
but if anyone tries to sell us a museum membership,
I am outta here.
‐KEVIN: Of course! ‐Of course, let's go.
They make you feel really bad
if you try to cancel‐‐ that's why I still have
my membership at the Kaleidoscope Museum.
Oh, I love the Kaleidoscope Museum.
It's my favorite Kaleidoscope‐based institution.
Willkommen to the Mummy Room.
This is the Great Queen.
‐TANYA: Oh, the Great Queen? ‐GIL: The greatest of all time.
She ruled an empire.
She commanded thousands of loyal followers.
And she was apparently super easy to talk to,
just like a really wunderbar personality.
Everybody said so.
Damn, that kind of power, that kind of leadership?
I bet nobody would email her about work on a Saturday.
Uh, definitely not, they would have been immediately exiled.
What was this queen's name?
Her name was Tanya.
‐TANYA: What? ‐ERNESTO: Oh, come on!
Oh, my God, Tanya. That's your name.
Are you messing with me, Gilandrius?
Gilandrical or Gil, and wait a minute.
What‐‐are you saying to me
that your name is Tanya?
And you look like that hot birdie?
And you're...also here?
What a weird series of coincidinkies,
which, as we all know...
Is an occurrence of things
that are just weird but don't mean anything.
Are you guys even listening to yourselves?
Can you not be downer for like five seconds
of this museum experience?
‐Learn! ‐It's almost too perfect.
No...yes...maybe?
But also could be‐‐ but it can't be.
The tour is over!
The museum is closed! Auf wiedersehen!
Gil, wait!
Shit, what a half‐assed tour.
We only saw like two rooms.
Let's just get out of here.
Oh, no, we're locked in.
Gilandrical, Gilandrical!
Wow, where did he run off to?
Maybe he had to... poo.
He did not have to poo because he...
‐is me!
Oh, Gil, cool.
Uh, can you open the door so we can leave your weird museum?
I'm afraid I cannot.
Explain yourself, Gilandrical!
It's Gil, excuse me, and for years,
I've searched for the perfect hosts,
the Queen, the Bird, and the Bear.
Yeah, I don't know. Doesn't really look like him.
I know. This one's a stretch.
Dude, it totally looks like me.
If I was, like, a little more shredded,
you would definitely see it.
It's no matter. It's close enough, okay?
Tonight the Great Queen and her revered deities rise again.
Their spirits will fuse with yours,
and they will walk the Earth once more through you.
Either you come willingly, or I‐‐
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You want to give me the powers of this ancient queen
and basically make me the new queen?
That's correct, and then through dark magic‐‐
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
And would I get to set my own hours?
Oh, sure, yeah, yeah, you would totally be in charge.
And could we confirm that I would be a god,
one of the best around?
One of the best of all of the arounds.
Well, that's all I need to hear.
‐I'm in. ‐Way ahead of you, dude.
‐Whoa, whoa, whoa‐‐ ‐Ernesto, look at me.
You're telling me you don't want to be a god?
They're even making an exception for you!
Okay, ignoring the fact that I'm a shoo‐in for the god
due to obvious physical similarities,
this whole thing feels weird.
‐We should leave. ‐Come on.
Now.
Oh, come on, Ernesto. You're ruining the vibe.
‐Come on. ‐Come on!
‐HENCHMAN: Just do it, man. ‐Come on.
All right, all right, geez.
You guys are so annoying.
Yes, peer pressure for the win!
ERNESTO: Can you guys see anything?
I'm just staring at a wall here.
Let the ritual commence!
Yes, barbarian queen!
Let's start this ritual!
ERNESTO: Oh, no.
Let the greatest queen rise again
to unite the world under her rule...
‐KEVIN: Yes! ‐And to oversee
dozens of projects that will restore her glory...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oversee what?
And to be available at all of the hours
for various questions that any of us may have.
All hours?
And let the bird and also the bear rise again as well,
so that their images may be printed
on tens of hundreds of T‐shirts.
Wait, hold up, T‐shirts? That's not very epic.
Gil, uh, Gil, wait a minute.
But what? I'm in the middle of something.
No, I get that, but this is actually sounding like
a not great arrangement.
I'm really just looking for more flexible work hours.
And I'm trying to get out of the T‐shirt game.
Honestly, I can make you fuse with the ruling spirits
of this dead empire, but I'd rather find somebody
who, like, wants it, you know?
Somebody who's gonna be with the team for a while,
because these guys deserve that.
‐For sure, man. ‐Whoo‐hoo!
Ah, Gil, you're my guy! We love you, Gil.
I love you as well, hooded figures!
They do seem like a good group.
Oh, hells yeah, I would do anything for those guys.
All right, everyone, let's get the hells out of here.
Who wants a circular carbohydrate?
‐Code name for pizza! ‐Whoo‐hoo!
‐Can we get pineapple? ‐Yes, yah, yah.
HENCHMAN: No more YAS, bitches.
Hello? Uh, guys?
You're free to go, home slices.
Hold up, are we making the right decision here?
If we walk out this door,
we are right back where we started.
Hey, may I tell you something
that's going to sound, like, uber cheesy?
‐Sure. ‐You can always talk to me
‐about cheese. ‐Me as well.
Find what makes you happy, and do it forever.
I mean, look at me.
I love trying to revive this ancient empire
and revert the world to a premodern state,
and do you know what?
It never feels like work, not one day of it.
I wake up every day excited to try to find suitable hosts
for the spirits and to commence the ritual, yes.
‐Oh, thanks, Gil. ‐TANYA: Thanks, Gil.
Oh, and hey, please to be telling your friends
about the Ancient History Museum.
In terms of making our rent, utilities bills, etc.,
we're doing very poorly, so spread the word, yes?
We will, Gil.
We actually do offer annual museum memberships
at a discount if you're interested.
You can sign up right now. I'm ready.
Noooooo!
Arrrhhh!