1
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Hello.
2
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I'm Alan Strauss.
3
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Dr. Strauss.
4
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-Y-You're...?
-Candace.
5
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Sorry.
6
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I'm Sam's mother.
7
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Oh.
8
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Is this... your house?
9
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Sam moved back in with me
when he split up with Mary.
10
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-Ah, I see.
-Did he...
11
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You know about Mary, don't you?
12
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I'm sorry, I can't really discuss that.
13
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Of course. Yes.
14
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So, you know who I am?
15
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Of course I do.
16
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I loved your book.
17
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When his father left,
18
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I started reading all these books.
19
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You know, self-help.
20
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The Cactus and the Mirage
was one of my favorites.
21
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I had Sam read it, too,
but it didn't really help him,
22
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so I...
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told him he should try real therapy.
24
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This isn't trying real therapy.
25
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Of course.
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I know how terrible this is.
27
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-Believe me, I know.
28
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Unlock me.
29
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I don't have a key.
30
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Well...
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call the police. Then we can help Sam.
32
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Please understand.
33
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I don't support him in this at all.
34
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I'm not... like him.
35
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But I can't turn in my own son.
36
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You're his mother.
Can't you tell him to stop this?
37
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He's trying to stop.
I know it's... It's...
38
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Candace, please.
39
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I have kids. A son and a daughter.
40
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They need me, just like he needs you.
41
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I know this isn't right.
42
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But you have to help him.
43
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He's my baby.
44
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You ever had pho?
45
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-Yes.
-Not like this, you haven't.
46
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I'm gonna get bowls.
47
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Sam, hold on a second.
48
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When you were gone,
49
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I heard someone moving around upstairs,
50
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and I called up to them
51
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and asked them to come down.
52
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Did they come down?
53
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-So you met my mother.
-Yes.
54
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I was a little surprised.
Y-You said she was dead.
55
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Yeah, my parents aren't dead.
56
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I... I lied about that, too.
57
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Sorry.
58
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One of the reasons that I didn't want
to go into therapy
59
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was because I know it's all
60
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"mothers, mothers, mothers."
My mother is not my problem.
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Let me get the bowls.
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I'm going to
63
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need you to take off this chain.
64
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There's no way to do
this work effectively
65
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with the therapist tied up.
66
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The chain's on your leg,
not on your mouth.
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Sam, I present
no physical threat to you.
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You're young and strong,
69
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and I... I... I sit in a chair all day.
70
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What do you imagine
would happen if I attacked you?
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I... I pictured this
with you chained to the floor.
72
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I understand, and I am asking you
73
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to adjust that
74
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so I can help you more effectively.
75
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Sam, there is no way
that this is going to work
76
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unless you take off this chain.
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She usually doesn't come down here.
78
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Before, when we were in my office...
79
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,820
you told me that your mother
took care of you
80
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when your father was being violent.
81
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"Mothers, mothers, mothers."
82
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It's just one part of things, Sam,
but we can't ignore it.
83
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Your mother told me that he left.
84
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Can you tell me about that?
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He left us.
86
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How old were you?
87
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Fourteen.
88
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And what do you remember about that?
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He left us.
90
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So, he didn't hit me anymore.
91
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Did you see him after that?
92
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This is the house you grew up in?
93
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Yup.
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Do you have memories, um, like...
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Did he hurt you in this room?
96
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If I was in this room...
97
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-...it was in this room.
98
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And you'd be here and...
99
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And he'd say something
100
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that I was supposed to do,
and if I didn't do it
101
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within one second...
102
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I didn't know what he meant sometimes.
I... He was...
103
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I needed time to think,
104
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but...
105
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Like, one time,
106
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he got a whole load of grout
107
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for the kitchen and the bathroom, and...
108
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he got a deal, right,
109
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so he ordered a ton of it,
and it came in these boxes.
110
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And he was yelling at me,
"Break 'em down."
111
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Screaming. "Break 'em down."
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I didn't know what he meant
113
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because I'd never heard that before,
114
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'cause he...
He wasn't pointing at the boxes.
115
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Then he just, he just went at me...
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like he did.
117
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You said your mom got it, too.
118
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She's a good mother.
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She made me sandwiches every day.
120
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She did the laundry.
121
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It's a terrible situation
for a mother and a son.
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Everyone, please.
Everyone, please.
123
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-People!
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People. People!
125
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I have something to say.
126
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People, people. I have something to say.
127
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-I understand that
128
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the mother of the chatan has some
129
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words she'd like to share
130
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with the new couple.
131
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We don't have women sing.
132
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Rabbi, it's my son's wedding.
133
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I'm Ezra's mom.
134
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-Where are you going?
135
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I'm also the cantor at Temple Sinai.
136
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Talk to me, Sam.
137
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I know you're struggling
with your feelings
138
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about the manager at the restaurant.
139
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Is there anything else
you can tell me about it?
140
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Uh...
141
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You should help me.
142
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Hmm...
143
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I have a thought for us.
144
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-Mm-hmm.
-You know,
145
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your mother is an impressive woman,
146
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and she would clearly do anything
147
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to help you feel better,
148
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help you live the life
that you want to live,
149
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and I think that she can help us now.
150
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We are all part of family systems.
151
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You, me, everyone.
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Changes to those systems
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can have a profound effect on us,
154
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even at your age.
155
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And I was thinking
156
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that it might be beneficial
157
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if we were to do
some family therapy work
158
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with you and your mother.
159
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Mm.
160
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She's been through enough.
161
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She doesn't need to be dragged
into what we're doing here.
162
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I think that's kind of you,
163
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and I can see why
you'd want to protect her.
164
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I don't think you need
165
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:48,082
to worry about her feeling
dragged into this.
166
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I think she might find it helpful, too.
167
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Sam.
168
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You don't have to take
this next step alone.
169
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:04,515
There is someone
who wants to be there with you.
170
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,477
She doesn't want you struggling
with this by yourself.
171
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,793
He was always a very physical man,
172
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and it was always
a very intense relationship.
173
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:39,967
-I think Sam and I...
-He was an asshole.
174
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:42,261
It's pretty simple.
175
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:45,264
He was a terrible father,
and Sam and I...
176
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Worse than terrible.
177
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,518
Let's try to slow down a little bit.
178
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:53,272
In this space, let everybody
finish what they're saying.
179
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,400
When we go more slowly,
180
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:59,487
usually, everyone thinks
a little more clearly,
181
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:02,615
and sometimes, when we wait,
182
00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:05,409
people don't say what we think
they are going to.
183
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:12,666
Sam and I took refuge in each other.
184
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,586
I learned that
from one of the books I read.
185
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,129
Not yours.
186
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,839
Hmm.
187
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,676
That it was a refuge.
188
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,595
You were in this together.
189
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:26,514
Mm-hmm.
190
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,015
You still are.
191
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:32,520
You are bonded to each other.
192
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,272
It's very moving.
193
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:40,444
-Sam.
-Yup.
194
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,905
You love your mother,
195
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:45,825
and I think that can give us
a way to help you.
196
00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:50,454
I want you to think in a new way
197
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,957
of how you can protect your mother.
198
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:57,795
As you struggle with this impulse
199
00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:59,505
to become violent,
200
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,175
I want you to protect your mother
201
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,678
by not acting on that impulse.
202
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,849
So that she can be free
from this source of pain.
203
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,518
So...
204
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,228
you think to yourself,
205
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,523
"I will not do this,
206
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:20,150
"so that I can protect my mother."
207
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:50,472
Will you do that for me, Sam?
208
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,241
Okay.
209
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,581
Pastitsio.
210
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,795
That guy at the...
211
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:05,297
This restaurant
where I did the inspection.
212
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:08,759
I went back there tonight.
213
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:23,357
Mmm.
214
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:26,318
I figured I'd be okay,
215
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,403
maybe,
216
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,113
you know, with you here.
217
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,449
I was just looking at him.
218
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,328
How did that feel?
219
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,539
I got my food.
220
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:39,832
There he was.
221
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,086
Mm, I sat in my car across the street,
222
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,088
and I did the whole thing
223
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:50,551
in my head, every second.
224
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:54,680
You said with me here.
225
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,682
Was this a test for yourself?
226
00:16:58,183 --> 00:16:59,393
Yeah, I guess so.
227
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:03,564
Seems like you did well.
228
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:08,152
I... I want to show him...
229
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:13,157
I... I want to teach him how to behave
230
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,451
to other people in the world. I...
231
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:18,579
I still want to do it.
232
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,795
Okay.
233
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:32,509
Mmm. Mmm.
234
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:35,429
Thanks.
235
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:41,226
Was it like that
with the other ones who you...
236
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,773
Did they do something
237
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,692
that made you want
to teach them a lesson?
238
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:49,985
Yes.
239
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:52,780
They were all... I...
240
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,908
Every one of them deserved it.
241
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,067
Candace?
242
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,952
Candace, we need to talk.
243
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:06,807
Stop.