Downloaded from YTS.MX
I’m Alan Partridge and I’m speaking to you from the recent past at my home.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
If you’re wondering why I’m sporting a beard and colony linen,
it’s because I’ve just returned from a fact-finding mission
into different cultures and belief systems.
A journey that’s taken me to Cyprus, the Channel Islands, Bermuda
and several of the ‘Stans: Afghani, Kazakh, Turkmeni, Uzbeki and Paki-stan.
I plan to used what I’ve learnt to create the show that you’re about to see,
which in your time has been filmed and edited, but in my time,
is yet to be written.
It’s a quality show, I can assure you of that,
even though speaking right now, I can’t possibly know that.
Clearly, if I’ve included this bit,
it’s because I’ve decided afterwards that me saying this won’t make me look wrong.
So, take it from the me speaking now,
the show you’re about to see is good,
even though me speaking now couldn’t possibly know that.
So, please enjoy Alan Partridge in...
I haven’t decided the name of the show yet... at... I don’t know the venue.
I just hope it’s not the O2.
It’s just a massive tent, a giant umbrella.
They were supposed to take it down twenty years ago.
I don’t like tents.
I prefer caravans.
[MUSIC]
[GONG]
[TECHNOLOGICAL MUSIC]
VOICE OF THE GODS: Ladies and gentlemen,
please stop murmuring with anticipation.
I won’t ask you again, please stop murmuring.
Some of you have stopped but I can still hear a few women murmuring.
The reason most of you came tonight, is about to arrive.
He wishes you a particularly warm welcome
if you are ethnically diverse or gender fluid,
but makes no special effort to welcome straight white males
because they always turn up.
Please welcome a man who needs no introduction but is entitled to one:
Dr Alan Gordon Partridge, AKA, Alan Partridge.
Haha!!
Hello, London!
Hello, England!
Yeah. Show me some civic pride.
♪ You built this city ♪
♪ You built this country on rock and roll ♪
♪ We beat the Germans ♪
♪ We beat the Spanish and we beat the French ♪
But not the Russians or the Chinese.
♪ We built this empire ♪
♪ By stealing things from all around the world ♪
♪ And money laundering ♪
♪ We built this city on slavery ♪
Sorry about that, I’ve been reading the Guardian.
[LAUGHTER]
Welcome to the show.
Ensemble assemble.
[CLAPPING]
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
♪ Why are they singing a song? ♪
♪ It isn’t a musical, is it? ♪
♪ No, of course not ♪
♪ I can’t stand musicals ♪
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
♪ Why do we sit on the front row? ♪
♪ He’s gonna pick on us. ♪
♪ Only if you’re disrespectful ♪
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
♪ Why is he looking at me like that? ♪
♪ I’ve got to look somewhere ♪
[LAUGHTER].
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
♪ Why is everyone here white and middle aged? ♪
He’s not! Yes.
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
♪ How many more times are they gonna sing... ♪
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
♪ Three more times including this one.♪
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
Wait.
[LAUGHTER]
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
See.
[APPLAUSE]
♪ He was born in Norfolk to ordinary folk ♪
♪ Worked hard, disregarded those who said he wasn’t dope ♪
♪ There’s no way he could ever be an ordinary bloke ♪
♪ All the setbacks that set him back all put him off his stroke ♪
♪ High brow or low brow audiences all connect ♪
♪ The common touch mixed with a fearsome intellect ♪
♪ To the king of television... ♪
♪ Took to the wire then thriving in a cross platform media environment ♪
♪ Where’s Alan Partridge? ♪
I’m here.
♪ Where’s Alan Partridge? ♪
Over here.
♪ Who’s Alan Partridge? ♪
I am.
♪ Who’s Alan Partridge? ♪
I am.
[LAUGHTER]
Ah... that was a very, very nice rap.
Me, I like it more urban.
[RAP BEAT]
♪ Pumped, so I jump up, hit it like a muthahumper ♪
♪ Burnin’ rubber, like a bad bottom bank robber ♪
♪ Hittin’ the gas, showin’ my class, kickin’ some ♪
♪ That’s where I’m at, you great prat ♪
♪ Pour me out a large scotch ♪
♪ Big Willie watch, bought it, you can’t afford it ♪
♪ It’s beyond ya, Sekonda, all mine ♪
♪ H Samuel, £89.99 ♪
♪ Chronograph men’s black leather strap, yo scout ♪
♪ Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it out ♪
♪ Yo, Stratagem You me against the world ♪
♪ You can batter them P to the Partridge ♪
♪ The new Johnny Carson, on fire like arson, swinging ♪
♪ Higher than Tarzan, clean outta the park, bite like a Shark ♪
♪ Alpha like Clarkson, top of the food chain ♪
♪ Jeremy, won’t cancel me ♪
♪ First ya gotta bury me I ain’t hurta-ble, ♪
♪ Got a convertible, a garage full ♪
♪ Dime chicken head in my bed givin’ lollipop ♪
♪ Don’t stop, copped a rack, brought Freddie, if ya want it ♪
♪ Yo bitch, that’s okay - said in an ironic way ♪
♪ Yo Stratagem ♪
Yeah, give me some slap hands. Woo!
[APPLAUSE]
Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!
Good rapping, Alan.
Hello, London.
[CHEERS]
I love rap music.
And people say rap, all they talk about is Bentleys and big backsides.
So what?
We all enjoy a nice motorcar and a pretty bottom.
[LAUGHTER]
He does.
Big smile on his face.
But rap, rap’s nothing new.
I mean, we used to rap at school.
Yeah, ‘Ooh ah, I lost my bra. I lost my knickers in my boyfriend’s car.’
And now rap’s used all the time.
Next, it’ll be ‘Norwich welcomes careful drivers...
...motherfucker.’
[LAUGHTER]
Actually, it’s best not to use that term in Norfolk.
[LAUGHTER]
Motherfucking is something they’re trying to discourage.
[LAUGHTER]
But, and it’s a big but...
He’s smiling again.
Dirty Dilbert.
That’s kind of what tonight is.
It’s a fun way to share knowledge that I believe will change your lives.
You’re here to learn, not just whoop and clap
like Ainsley Harriott at his kids’ nativity.
[LAUGHTER]
And please, don’t say this isn’t what you paid for.
You were given fair warning on the poster,
it’s right there just beneath where it says ‘Wheelchair access is not guaranteed.
If you have a negative attitude or you’re not prepared to work,
we politely request that you do not attend.’
Sorry?
Well, we don’t have time to check every venue for wheelchair access?
Why? Because I’ve been learning a bloody rap.
What would you rather I do?
Make sure everyone’s got wheelchair access and not do a rap?
Think!
Okay, let’s begin.
Introducing my very own life management system, Stratagem.
[AFRICAN RAP PLAYS]
[LAUGHTER]
Now, Stratagem, or ‘New ways of thinking in a post Covid world’
is a life management system that will improve the quality of your lives.
And a warm thanks to my sponsors, P and Bet365.
[LAUGHTER]
Please, do remember, gamble responsibly or you could lose your house.
Or, you might win a bigger one.
[LAUGHTER]
To protect their brands, I have agreed to limit the bad language in the show.
I’m allowed to say six fucks (including that one), so five more.
And two cunts...
... including that one, so one more. Yeah.
I might not use them all, in which case, they roll over to Glasgow,
where they will be needed.
[LAUGHTER]
But let’s talk about Stratagem.
Stratagem has already helped people like Stacey.
Stacey felt undervalued in a workplace dominated by men.
But now, she gets to sit in on board meetings with them and write things down.
[LAUGHTER]
You show ‘em, Tracey.
Or Andrew...
Andrew used to wet the bed, and was something of a mummy’s boy.
But now he’s dry as a bone, and saving up for a new motorbike...
and a mattress.
Or Dean.
Dean didn’t know how to talk to women.
But now, he approaches them all the time.
[LAUGHTER]
Lynn Benfield.
[CHEERS]
A dowdy woman
who works for me and has a number of problems,
most notably, not making the best of herself.
She’s regularly mistaken for a dinner lady.
But a quick makeover from me... helped.
[LAUGHTER]
And how?
Last time I saw a dinner lady like that was at the Hard Rock Café.
And there are dozens of others.
Doug, Sam, Trish, Mike, Mark, Mel, Rick, Jim, Jam, Jen,
Jack, Joan, Jed, Dominic, Edwina, big Quentin and me.
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, I’ve used Stratagem to tackle some of my fears.
It’s simply a case of breathing deeply and adopting the right attitude.
Because with the correct attitude, nothing is beyond you.
[MUFFLED] Fucking hell!
[LAUGHTER]
Find your inner calm and you can overcome anything.
You know, we’re all broken,
but there’s one grand old dame who’s more broken than most.
It’s this old girl.
[LAUGHTER]
Lady Britannia herself.
She’s on her knees, literally.
[LAUGHTER]
I drew that.
[LAUGHTER]
Pretty good.
Whether it’s here in the Midlands with its difficult-to-digest Stoke,
[LAUGHTER]
the irritable bowel that is London,
the needy hands of Wales,
And of course, not forgetting the screaming baby that is Ireland.
[LAUGHTER]
And if that weren’t enough, she has deep mental problems in her head...
Scotland.
[LAUGHTER]
Wherever you look, things have gone tits up.
And I know you’re not supposed to say that in these gender sensitive times,
and yet, you can say cock up.
It’s interesting, isn’t it?
[LAUGHTER]
But it’s all very fluid these days.
I mean, the fact is women these days, can have cocks.
And I know for a fact, men can have tits...
[LAUGHTER]
... just from taking a sauna with Eamon Holmes.
[LAUGHTER]
But there are still differences.
There are still differences between the genders.
I mean, if a woman, for example, is found with a dildo in her handbag,
it’s seen as very feminist.
Very feminist.
But if someone finds a rubber vagina in a man’s hand luggage,
there’s a right hullaballoo!
I missed my flight!
[LAUGHTER]
Because we all have problems and I’m no exception.
At the age of sixteen, I was diagnosed as medically gormless.
[LAUGHTER]
An affliction I still deal with today.
If I go on a Tinder date with a woman and she starts talking about her kids,
my eyes glaze over and I go gormless.
[LAUGHTER]
I’m also sad because a woman I was in love with broke my heart,
but I don’t want to talk about it.
And my dog died.
[AUDIENCE AWGHS]
Yeah. Yeah.
There he is.
Best dog in the world, yeah.
They don’t make ‘em like that anymore, because it’s illegal.
But I’m gonna go down into the audience now.
[MIC SQUEAKS]
A bit of feedback.
I’m gonna go down into the audience, get away from the amplifiers.
Yeah, I’ve become something of an expert on face interpretation.
If you look at my face up there, a lot of people say I have a very friendly face.
Some people think I have the face of a very friendly neighbour.
You can imagine me looking over the garden fence, can’t you,
and saying, “Are you having a barbecue?”
[LAUGHTER]
But let’s, let’s interpret some of the faces here.
Let’s see.
Now, this man’s face here.
Your face, Sir, now your face tells...
[LAUGHTER]
Your face tells a story, doesn’t it, yeah?
But it’s quite a long-winded story, isn’t it?
It doesn’t really go anywhere.
This lady’s smiling a lot here but beneath her smiling,
she’s saying, ‘I’m angry with myself for making poor life choices.’
Yes, and that’s her husband so that’s confirmed.
Okay.
Let’s see.
A man here smiling, but beneath his smile, he’s saying, ‘Help me! Help me! Help me!’
Yeah, okay.
Let’s see, more...
Ah yes. Yes, this gentleman here, yes...
This gentleman here, his face is very simple, this one.
His face says quite simply, ‘Classic FM.’
[LAUGHTER]
It’s a minor affliction,
it means, ‘I like classical music but only if it’s been on an advert.’
Okay, silhouette dance.
[AFRICAN RAP MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, now, before I tell you about Stratagem,
a few frequently asked questions.
First of all, why are you dressed like that?
Easy.
In choosing my outfit, I was guided by one simple question:
what would Christ wear if he was Steve Jobs?
[LAUGHTER]
Someone the other night shouted out, “Alan, you’ve creamed yourself.”
And he was escorted from the building.
[LAUGHTER]
I also designed the set myself.
Yes, interesting story behind the set design.
I used to love Meccano when I was a child.
Yes, yes.
And um, one of the best things I ever made was a women’s prison.
[LAUGHTER]
And... it’s sort of based on that, you know.
You can imagine, can’t you, a very bossy lady screw
walking up and down the gantry, banging on the bars
and saying, “Come on girls, bedtime.”
I don’t know how they talk.
Secondly, can I go to the toilet before the interval?
No.
[LAUGHTER]
Is there a lack of diversity in your audience?
Hell yeah.
But I’m taking steps to address that,
along with my friends and partners in the National Trust
and the Countryside Alliance.
[LAUGHTER]
And I’m getting there.
You know, I think my ensemble has a pretty good balance, you know.
I think it looks like an advert for Benetton.
[LAUGHTER]
The National Trust also making some progress, as you can see.
Getting there, you know.
[SIGHS]
But the guys at the Countryside Alliance, they’re struggling.
[LAUGHTER]
I don’t know what it is, it’s baffling.
It’s baffling.
And I mean, they’ve made a start.
I mean, look at the end there, that’s a woman.
[LAUGHTER]
Is your home vulnerable to burglary, given people know you’re on tour?
No, because I can do this.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, got eyes on the gaff 24/7.
Don’t worry about the lady, that’s my assistant, Lynn.
She’s there as a sort of... a sort of visual deterrent.
A sort of mobile scarecrow.
Mobilish. Yeah.
I think I know where she’s going,
but I had a camera fitted in the biscuit cupboard.
Gotcha!
[LAUGHTER]
It’s like Spring Watch, isn’t it?
Here comes the female, scavenging for food,
Largely herbivorous with a diet rich in cheese and onion pie, and peas.
She’s picked up the scent of triple chocolate Boasters.
But what’s this?
Ah yes, Jaffa cakes. She is pleased.
One more look and she’s off.
She will feed well tonight.
Soon, the rains will come and she will go on about it for ages.
[LAUGHTER]
I’m not sure what she’s doing in my record collection.
Actually, I’ll just give her a quick call.
She won’t listen to my records.
Unless there’s an Irishman in a rocking chair on the cover, she ain’t interested.
[PHONE RINGS]
Come on, look, it’s in your handbag.
LYNN: Lynn Manfield.
Lynn, all quiet on the western front?
I am, skipper.
Yeah, you’re not thinking of rearranging my records, are you, by any chance?
Only to pop them in alphabetical order.
They’re all higgledy piggeldy.
Well, I don’t know how you order your five records but these are ordered by genre.
How’d you mean?
Rock, soft rock, pop rock, prog rock, cock rock, hip-hop and the Seekers.
[LYNN CHUCKLES]
Actually, forget it.
I know you only have two genres: hymns and not hymns.
By the way, that friend of yours, Darryl Flench has been talking about you again.
Oh yeah? Go on.
He was on the WhatsApp group,
telling everyone you’ve forgotten how to drive a car with a manual gearbox.
Vicious bastard!
He’s trying to destroy me, Lynn.
I need to retaliate.
Didn’t you offer him the use of your campervan for a week in the summer?
Yes, I did. Go on.
Then I suggest you withdraw the offer.
Well, he was gonna take his kids to Wales.
It’s the only week he has custody.
Well, they’ll have to go away with their mother.
See how he likes that.
Lynn, you would have made a great secretary for the Gestapo.
Copy that.
[LAUGHTER]
Why Stratagem?
Well, because it worked on me.
One day last year, my mind, like freshly milked Rice Krispies,
went snap, crackle and then pop.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
Pictured here at the launch of the new Range Rover Vogue,
I looked the very image of contentment.
I had the world at my feet.
I was on first name terms with the whole of the Norfolk Range Rover dealership.
They even introduced me to Top Gear’s Richard Hammond,
who although medically short,
was able to mingle by carrying around a small step.
[LAUGHTER]
Yet inside, I began to feel something was missing.
My friend, Bill, who has one eye bigger than the other
and is pictured here on my left...
[LAUGHTER]
... said, “Alan, you’re like a cat, always landing on your feet.”
I said, “Then why do I feel so empty inside?”
He said, “Alan, I only want to talk about the new Range Rover.”
[LAUGHTER]
And with that, he sidled to the buffet.
Inside, I began to feel something was missing.
I had to ask myself, who was I?
Where had I come from?
Well, obviously there are different ways to answer that question,
depending on how far back you go.
Um... The shower.
Norwich.
Mum’s vagina.
[LAUGHTER]
But for me, the search for answers began last June.
I was clearing out my garage to turn it into a one man squash court.
[LAUGHTER]
And as I um’d and ah’d over whether to throw out a picture of my children,
[LAUGHTER]
in which they looked quite ugly,
I stumbled over something that was to change my life.
A letter I had written to my future self when I was eleven years old.
And I’d like to read it, I have it right here.
[PAPER RUSTLES]
‘Dear Alan, I pray this missive finds you in good cheer
and that the travails of life do not weigh heavy upon your weary brow.’
Yeah, I was a bit of a tit.
[LAUGHTER]
‘I wonder what becomes of me.
I’m only eleven, but I imagine in fifty years from now,
you will have gone on to do great things.’
Tick.
[LAUGHTER]
‘And live in a big house.’
Tick.
‘With children who love you dearly.’
[CLEARS THROAT]
[LAUGHTER]
‘I often wish I could ask your advice, as some of my classmates are disruptive,
particularly those from broken homes.’
[LAUGHTER]
There should be special schools for illegitimate children,
called simply ‘Bastard Academies’.
[LAUGHTER]
I was a very right-wing little boy.
[LAUGHTER]
‘Kind regards, Alan G. Partridge.
P.S. Please keep this letter safe as humidity can cause the pulp to oxidise.
This is known as foxing.’
Adorable.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, as a Stratagem exercise, I wrote a letter back to my eleven year old self.
I so wished I could offer the young Alan Partridge some words of encouragement,
but of course, that’s impossible.
Then I remembered, I love theatre.
Ow!
[LAUGHTER]
Over the years, I must have seen somewhere in the region of ten plays!
[LAUGHTER]
From the stage version of Bad Girls to the stage version of Only Fools and Horses.
[LAUGHTER]
And everything in between.
So, what if tonight, theatre could be our time machine and take us back to the past?
You’ll have a fair idea of what the past is like,
just from imagining Knightsbridge but full of English people.
[LAUGHTER]
By using the power of theatre, I will send this letter
that I have conveniently folded into the shape of a paper plane,
back through some sort of time portal to the boy I once was.
All you need to do, is believe!
Ahhhh!
[SPOOKY MUSIC]
[ALAN MAKES GIBBERISH NOISES]
[BELL TOLLS]
♪ Go back in time ♪
♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪
'The twin towers are down.'
♪ Go back in time ♪
♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪
'Tear down that wall.'
♪ Go back in time ♪
♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪
'I’ve got AIDS!'
♪ Go back in time ♪
♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪
'I’ve landed on the moon.'
FEMALE TIME MACHINE VOICE: Norwich, 1968.
[LAUGHTER]
We’re here at my school.
What if I bump into myself and crack the spacetime continuum
and end up in the fifth dimension or something?
Jesus H Christ, theatre is mind-blowing!
[LAUGHTER]
Wait! I can hear someone coming.
Holdfast.
I don’t know what that means.
[LAUGHTER]
Look, it’s me.
I loved combining skipping and karate.
[LAUGHTER]
And I’m in my favourite parka.
I had no peripheral vision but it protected me from the bullies,
unless they punched me directly down the snorkel.
Here come the school bullies now, Leonard and Neville.
LEONARD: Here, Alan, can we have some crisps?
YOUNG ALAN: Leave me alone!
NEVILLE: You’ve got four bags.
We didn’t get no breakfast, being from broken homes and all.
LEONARD: Yeah, our dads ran off.
YOUNG ALAN: Stop bullying me!
I work hard to afford these crisps.
If you don’t have the motivation to get a paper round,
I’m afraid there are consequences.
Fine. Have the crisps!
You scrounging bullies make my life a misery.
[SOBBING SOUNDS]
Oh! There’s my letter! Read it! Read it!
[LAUGHTER]
[BELL RINGS]
Wait! Don’t go!
YOUNG ALAN: Who’s that?
My god, he can hear me.
I love the power of theatre.
[LAUGHTER]
YOUNG ALAN: Who is it?
It’s... safety gate...
[LAUGHTER]
Wait!
[LAUGHTER]
It’s me, Alan Partridge.
I’m you but in the year 2022.
Take off your snorkel parka so I can look at me.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, that’s me, alright.
[LAUGHTER]
Golly gosh.
Why have you come here?
I’ve come from the future to give you some advice,
to tell you this bullying will end.
Although it does happen to me again when I’m married.
Who are you talking to?
Oh, just some people from London.
Is that where you live?
Jesus Christ, no.
[LAUGHTER]
What’s it like in the future?
Do they still have the Royal Yacht Britannia?
I’m so sorry, it was decommissioned in 1997
and is now a floating museum in Scotland.
Those poor royals.
I do hope nothing else has gone wrong for them.
[LAUGHTER]
Uh... Na.
But it’s you I’ve come to talk to.
You have to knuckle down.
More application and less dreams and big ideas.
Don’t you mean fewer dreams and big ideas?
That’s more like it.
Good grammar’s more important than fancy ideas.
I do so enjoy correcting people.
Hey, hey, talk to me.
But what about the bullies?
Forget the bullies.
Leonard ends up as a labourer and in 2004, falls off some scaffolding, to his death.
He thought he was too cool to wear a safety harness.
Well, I’m sorry but what goes around comes around.
Which is precisely what I thought.
You reap what you sow.
Exactly. I couldn’t agree more.
Do you know, I love chatting with you about personal responsibility.
And pay no attention to the bullies, you’re a smashing kid.
Oh, I don’t know.
I’m not a fast runner or a gifted scholar, or one of the handsome lads.
Hey, hey, hey. Look at me.
You’re the most handsome boy in this school.
No, I’m not.
I mean it.
Can I have a hug?
Okay.
Seriously, you look sensational.
[LAUGHTER]
- Would you like another hug? - No, not... no.
Now, now run along, you silly little boy.
Aargh!
In reality, of course, we can’t talk to our younger selves,
which is a shame because anyone who doesn’t learn from the past
is doomed to repeat it.
From people who vote Labour...
... to men who dye their own hair.
[LAUGHTER]
But if I don’t learn from the past, what will become of me?
If only I could find out.
What am I talking about?
I’ve got a fucking time machine.
Set the coordinates for 2065.
[SPOOKY MUSIC]
[BABBLING JIBBERISH NOISES]
FEMALE TIME MACHINE VOICE: Arriving Norwich city centre, 2065.
Norwich city centre.
Why are there no people here?
It’s a deserted wasteland.
Good god!
They finally went and did it!
They pedestrianised all of it!
[LAUGHTER]
Mad fools!
I love the power of theatre.
But wait!
I set the coordinates for my future, so my older self should be here too.
But where is he?
You are in a restricted sector.
You do not have a permit.
Please, I mean no harm!
I look a bit like a wasp.
Yes, I can see that.
Do not be alarmed, it’s just...
... a voice synthesiser that’s built into the helmet.
God, you sound like a cross between a Dalek and Stephen Hawking.
I suppose that would be Davros.
Quite unnerving actually, I might... I might change that.
Yes, do. Do.
Now, who are you and what are you doing here?
Well, it’s me, Alan.
How do you know my real name?
I’ve not used the name Alan for years.
I’m known as Rrrrrrrr 5.
That’s a bit weird. You’re known as Rrrr 5?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Rrrrrrrr 5.
Well, anyway... What I’m saying Alan, it’s me.
- I’m you. - Impossible.
It’s not impossible.
I’ve travelled in a time machine, using the magic of theatre from the year 2022.
How do I know this isn’t a trick?
You could be anyone.
Alright then, ask me anything about your life from before then.
Very well.
Back in 2018, what feature of the new Range Rover impressed me the most?
[LAUGHTER]
That the arm rest doubled as a cool box.
My god! You are me!
Yeah, do you have to loom over me like that?
You remind me of a lunch I had with Richard Osman.
Very well, would you like me to change my size and perspective?
If you wouldn’t mind.
Actually, I’ll come up and join you.
FEMALE TIME MACHINE VOICE: Please stand back. Man reducing.
Please stand back.
[BEEPING AND GROANING]
Wow.
I don’t know what it means, but wow.
[LAUGHTER]
What about... I like the outfit.
What about all these gauntlet sleeve things? What are they for?
Everyone wears gauntlet sleeves in cyberspace.
Cyberspace?
I don’t understand, how old are you?
One hundred and five.
Nearly one hundred and five.
I’ve gotta say, you look good for a hundred and five.
I’ve never looked or sounded better, thanks to an Intel Pentium Processor.
[INTEL THEME TUNE]
[LAUGHTER]
You’re powered by a Pentium Processor?
[INTEL THEME TUNE]
A bit weird.
Strange.
I wouldn’t be without my Pentium.
[INTEL THEME TUNE]
Ignore that sound, it’s contractual whenever you say Pentium Processor.
[INTEL THEME TUNE]
What do you mean, you’re powered by a Pentrium Processor?
It didn’t do the noise there.
I think you said Pentrium with a R.
It’s only if you say Pentium.
[INTEL THEME TUNE]
You’ll get used to it.
It happens whenever you say any brand name.
What, even Go Compare?
Oh, no, no. He was beaten to death in 2044.
[LAUGHTER]
It’s now a national holiday.
But yes, all other brands.
So, in the future, brands have become all powerful and I am trapped in cyberspace.
It sounds like a dystopian nightmare.
Not at all, thanks to the fast, reliable speed of the processor
we were just mentioning,
my legs can do something I’ve wanted to do since I was thirty.
Look!
[RIVERDANCE MUSIC]
Wow.
Or perhaps you’d prefer a hoedown.
If it makes you happy.
This is a real rooting, tooting lot.
It is.
Great.
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
[CHUCKLES]
- There you go. - Perhaps something more Parisian.
Ah, that’s a bit weird.
[CAN-CAN MUSIC]
I'm not sure about that.
Can you stop it? I don’t want a bum in my face.
- You’re lying. - Yeah, but not a giant woman’s bum.
You’re still lying.
- I’m you, remember. - No, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, that’s not been acceptable since Me Too. I’m sorry.
Yes. But then Me Three came along,
and everything went back to the way it used to be.
These days, you can say what you want to anyone.
You can even bully them.
You’re joking, that sounds awful.
Well, it’s what the Prime Minister wants.
Wait, who’s the Prime Minister?
Jeremy Clarkson.
Oh my god!
That’s like Boris Johnson being Prime Minister, except...
Well no, it’s exactly the same.
If you’re in cyberspace, are you still alive?
Oh no, I have been digitised.
When I was one hundred, I had myself put down like a poorly dog.
Why?
Tax avoidance.
It’s the only way to ringfence your assets.
Yes, but Alan, life’s not about assets, it’s about love.
It’s fist bumping a tramp.
It’s smiling at a gay wedding,
having lunch with an ethnic friend,
or just having beer with a straight mate.
It’s not about the contents of your Pentium Processor.
- [INTEL THEME TUNE] - Oh, fuck off!
Now you’ve made me sad with your tales of love and humanity.
- Good. The future’s shit. - Go.
- I’m going. - You should never have come here.
- You can say that again. - Leave me alone.
Yeah, your bum’s on back to front.
[LAUGHTER]
Ah, sod him. Sod him.
Ha...
Well, a lot to unpack there.
[LAUGHTER]
Of course, it was a flight of fantasy, but what that piece illustrates,
through the lens of theatre de fantastique (fantastic theatre),
is we can create...
no, I’m not wanking off two men, you dirty git!
My apologies, filthy bastard.
Silhouette sting.
[AFRICAN RAP MUSIC]
Now, I could tell you about the benefits of Stratagem
until I am blue in the face, or the cows come home...
Or the cows go blue and my face comes home.
[LAUGHTER]
Sorry.
But why not hear it from someone who’s been through my programme,
whose life has been transformed by it.
Please, put your hands together and clap so hard your palms go pink,
as we welcome...
My mind’s gone blank, I can’t remember her name.
I’m sure it’ll come to me... yes it has.
Jeanette Jackson.
[MUSIC]
[KISSES]
Jeanette, thank you.
Thank you for joining us, and a warm welcome to Stratagem.
Cheers.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you so much for having me. - Thank you.
No need to look around, you’ll feel them bump your calves
and you’ll naturally want to sit.
There you go.
[LAUGHTER]
What a confident entrance.
Ah, thank you. Come on.
No, especially from someone from such humble origins.
I believe you even went to state school.
- I did. Yeah. - God bless you.
I mean, nothing wrong with that but heartbreakingly, yours was in Wigan.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I am from Wigan. Yeah.
And there might be other people in from Wigan tonight. I don’t know.
- [AUDIENCE SHOUT] - Hey!
What, with tickets?
[LAUGHTER]
But wherever you’re from, I hope that I am proof positive
that systems like Alan’s can make a difference.
Thank you for saying that, because when I first met you,
you were a timid little mouse, weren’t you?
She was working in NatWest and you were so quiet,
I had to wrap on the glass, didn’t I, and say, “Speak up, woman!”
Well, here I am just a few years later, running my own self help classes, so...
That’s humbling. Humbling, very humbling.
Tell us, what was it specifically about my system that set you on this path?
Yeah, well I’d like to answer that, if I may, by telling a story.
Please, do.
What’s she doing?
[LAUGHTER]
It’s about a little girl.
Actually, sorry, you know what? Can we just...
[SIGHS]
This is a story about a little girl who was told
the best thing you can do in life is lower your expectations, narrow your horizons.
That way, you’ll never be disappointed.
She was told there are women out there who can make a difference,
who can make a mark, but you’re not one of them.
Well, that little girl was me.
Many things happened in my life, one of which was bumping into Alan.
But the real change happened after.
[LAUGHTER]
You see, it was only when I started reading
that I realised that the wisdom that helps us achieve serenity
has been there for millennia.
Take a look for yourself.
[LAUGHTER]
Pick anyone great thinker you like.
From Confucius to Socrates, to Plato, to Jesus Christ.
Hi.
- But, what do most self-help gurus do? - She’s got ants in her pants, this one.
They repackage the same fundamental truths as new ideas.
Worse, they overcomplicate what should be a simple set of principles,
forever telling us to ask ourselves,
‘Why am I not happy? Why am I not successful?’
But are these even the questions we should be asking?
I think they are. Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
That’s very interesting. In what way?
Well... ah... um...
- Because I don’t think they are. - Fucking hell.
[LAUGHTER]
I think that there’s a different approach.
Because you know what really defines your success?
Who you know.
[LAUGHTER]
Imagination.
[PAINED GRUNT]
[LAUGHTER]
That’s better. Better, yes.
- Shall we sit on the chairs? - Yes.
Fucking hell. Jesus.
[GROANS]
That was a great story.
Thank you.
And one more thing I’d like to add, if I may?
Na.
Why don’t you park your posterior there for a jiffy
while I invite my audience to enjoy some of my relaxation techniques with me?
[JEANETTE SNIGGERS]
[ALAN HYPNOTIC VOICE] Listen to the sound of my voice.
Let your head lull forward like a big bowling ball.
Inhale and exhale nice deep breaths.
ALAN: Not too many though.
Take as many as you need.
Within reason.
No such thing as too much breathing.
I once hyperventilated blowing up an airbed,
so there definitely is.
If you’d feel more comfortable, slip off your shoes.
Don’t do that. The arena will stink.
And with eyes now closed, come with me.
Come to the sound of the sea.
You’re on a sailing boat, far from land, perfect conditions.
Sunshine, not a breath of wind.
Maybe a nice breeze.
Or maybe just perfect stillness.
You need some wind to propel the boat.
That’s how sailing works.
It’s physics, and pretty basic physics at that.
You’re just threatened
because a woman knows more about improving people’s lives than you do.
That’s bollocks.
[LAUGHTER]
- It’s not bollocks. - It is bollocks.
Your attempts to stay relevant are truly pitiful.
I knew you had a nasty streak from the moment I met you.
Never call me again.
Don’t worry, I’ll delete you.
In fact, I’m doing it now.
Contacts, Mousey Jeanette deleted.
And withdraw Jeanette.
[LAUGHTER]
JEANETTE: Your dancers think you’re a dick.
[LAUGHTER]
So, there you have it.
Stratagem helps you achieve things you never dreamt possible.
For example, I’m not really a composer.
I might hum the odd tune I’ve made up,
but one day, I was in Richer Sounds and the salesman heard me humming.
And he said, “You should turn that into a song.”
I said, “Ooh, do you like it?”
He said, “It’s one of the best tunes I’ve ever heard in my life.”
[LAUGHTER]
Well, an hour later, I left with a new song we composed together,
and a brand new Yamaha SX900 keyboard reduced from £1500 to £1299.
As long as I took the £100 three year warranty which I was very happy to do.
Because he said, “Alan, the best way to cheer yourself up
is to surround yourself with music,
which you can only do with a surround sound system,”
which I was also very happy to buy for a further £1195.
The upshot was this song.
It’s a song about a woman who made me laugh my head off
from the first day we met.
She made me laugh more than any time
since I saw Noel Edmonds spill wine on Princess Anne’s back.
[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYS]
It’s about how laughter really is the best medicine,
and it’s called the Laughter of Love.
♪ I met her walking around Cheddar Gorge ♪
♪ I couldn’t help myself, I said, “By George, you’re cheddar gorgeous” ♪
♪ Then I felt slightly uneasy ♪
♪ But she smiled and replied, “That’s a bit cheesy ” ♪
♪ I said, “Alright, I’ll tread carefully” ♪
♪ She said, “Aren’t you that bloke who’s on TV?” ♪
♪ “Guilty as charged,” I answered, “Yes, it’s me” ♪
♪ She said, “My name’s Virginia. Virgin for short” ♪
♪ I quipped, but not for long ♪
♪ Then I worried, was that too strong? ♪
♪ But she just giggled, “Ooh, you’re daft” ♪
♪ Then she threw back her head and laughed ♪
♪ And she went, “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha” ♪
♪ It was the laughter of love ♪
♪ She asked, “So what’re we gonna do for thrills?” ♪
♪ I said, “I’ll take you up the Mendip Hills” ♪
♪ She said, “I’ve never heard it called that before” ♪
♪ I said, “No, it’s a beauty spot" ♪
♪ Then it dawned, she was being flirty but without being smutty or dirty ♪
♪ She said, “You must feel a right tit” ♪
♪ I said, “Don’t tempt me” ♪
♪ She said, “Well, perhaps in a bit” ♪
♪ While I went, “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha" ♪
♪ And we went, “He he he he he, he he he he he” ♪
♪ It was the laughter of love ♪
♪ Though the years went by, we drifted apart ♪
♪ She kept a special place in my heart ♪
♪ Until I read the news one day ♪
♪ Sadly, Virginia had passed away ♪
♪ And so, not far from Cheddar’s caves ♪
♪ I found her name there among the graves ♪
♪ I broke down ♪
♪ We never even slept together, just spooned in our underpants ♪
♪ On her grave, I left a gift I brought her ♪
♪ A plastic rose that squirted water ♪
♪ She’d have loved that ♪
♪ As I sadly walked from that hallowed ground, wait... ♪
♪ I heard a family sound and it went ♪
♪ “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha” ♪
♪ She was laughing in heaven ♪
♪ I went “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha” ♪
♪ And we went, He he he he he, he he he he he ♪
♪ He he he he he, he he he he he” ♪
♪ We went, “Ho ho ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho ho” ♪
♪ It was the laughter of love ♪
You’ve got twenty minutes.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]
VOICE OF THE GODS: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back to the stage Alan Partridge,
AKA, Dr Alan Gordon Partridge.
[APPLAUSE]
Welcome back! You’re watching Alan Partridge live!
ALAN: Aha!
Oh no, you're not.
The pictures you see on the screen are pre-recorded.
And the person on stage isn’t even me.
See? We’re doing completely different gestures
and Bradley has those airport ping-pong bat things in his hands –
and I have not!
[LAUGHTER]
So where am I really?
Could this bearded man be me?
Is it Alan Partridge in disguise or a bearded millennial who likes craft beer?
Neither! It’s a female dancer.
Fooled again!
So, where am I?
I’m here, backstage, being flanked by these two fine fillies.
Believe me, these aren’t show ponies, these are thoroughbreds.
So let’s get started FOR REAL!
Come on girls.
Hyah!
[MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Yep! That’s not me either!
You see, I can’t do flips.
Why? Simple!
I have two fused vertebrae at the top of my spine.
If I tried to flip, I’d snap my back.
So where could I be?
Well, the eagle-eyed amongst you may have spotted the pair of shoes,
sticking out from under the curtain?
That’s not me either!
That’s a pair of shoes worn by two plastic legs I found in a skip.
But you’re getting warmer.
I am on stage, for all to see.
Ladies and gentlemen, do not be alarmed.
Simply welcome the man who’s been leading tonight’s proceedings.
The host.
The chairman.
The CHAIR man.
A-armchair!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Why am I disguised as an armchair?
I’m making a point.
What? I look like a leather Transformer?
[LAUGHTER]
The whole show’s about transformation, dickhead. Keep up.
[LAUGHTER]
I’m making the point that with Stratagem, you can be whatever you want to be.
There’s a guy at my rackets club, a real smart Alec,
you know, like Dirty Dilbert down there.
Yeah, and a real smart Alec, this guy and he’s not even that important.
I think he’s a pediatrician!
[LAUGHTER]
He said, ‘Be whatever you want to be, Alan.’
‘What, even a chair?' I’d like to see that.
You know, trying to make me look stupid.
Well, who looks stupid now?
[LAUGHTER]
Exactly.
Assemble, ensemble.
Disassemble.
I feel like I’m being arrested for impersonating an armchair,
to get women to sit on me.
[LAUGHTER]
Not something I would ever do, nor have I ever thought of.
[LAUGHTER]
Thank you, Natori.
Thank you, Aischa.
Yes, the clip-on tie.
Very good. Police officers wear these clip-on ties
to stop themselves being strangled by an assailant.
And I wear one for exactly the same reason.
[LAUGHTER]
After I nearly died chairing a steward’s enquiry at a donkey derby.
It got out of hand. Yeah.
Anyway, thanks ensemble.
You guys having a nice time, yeah?
Yeah, yeah?
Good, great. Yeah, yeah. Cool cats.
Cool cats. Yeah.
And I’m one of them, and I’m feline gooood!
Yeah, you know when we hang out, it’s not really like work, is it?
It’s just like you’re just hanging out with me, for a fee.
[LAUGHTER]
Natori, where you from?
Tell us about yourself.
I’m from Lincoln.
Lincoln! Ah, interesting. Lincoln.
I was actually invited to the reopening of Lincoln cathedral.
Yeah, architecture, boom!
Yeah. Is that where you live now?
No, I live in Hackney, with Aischa.
Right, you’re flat mates?
We are a couple.
Cool.
[LAUGHTER]
Lincoln Cathedral...
[LAUGHTER]
Has a main tower, and inside that tower is a bell called Great Tom
which is actually louder than Big Ben.
Yeah, and I didn’t even know Lesbian had a cathedral.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, yeah, these guys used to be known as Shebang
but I revamped them, renamed them and they’re now known as Pizzaz!
[LAUGHTER]
I said it’s a Z on the end, for Christ’s sakes.
Okay, off you go, guys.
Yeah, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, I can’t afford to do... yeah, hop it.
You can fist each other backstage.
Sorry. Sorry...
Sorry, do you know, I love that gang.
Sometimes after the show, we’ll go and get a bite.
I’ll take them for dinner and sometimes they’ll say
‘Could you give us the money instead?’
[LAUGHTER]
I’ll say, ‘Yeah, cool,’ and then two lads will walk me to a cash machine.
I’ll give them the three hundred quid, they’ll count it out
and then they let me go on my merry way.
It’s cool, it’s cool, it’s good.
Yeah, I think it’s good. Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot, Ted, our lighting guy!
You alright there, Ted?
Yeah.
We’ve got this system going.
One flash for ‘yes’, two for ‘no’, haven’t we?
Yeah. Would you call it a sort of a binary morse code?
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, he’s always disagreeing with me, this one.
I call him Flash Ted, but you don’t like that either, do you?
We have a laugh, yeah.
Do you fancy a drink later?
[LAUGHTER]
Ted? Pint?
Yeah, yeah. Good, yeah.
Yeah, he’s always trying to eff with my mind.
Yeah, which he does pretty successfully.
Hyah!
Ouch!
And a big thank you to everyone who stayed to watch my photo tribute to Seldom,
my deceased canine companion.
Yeah. My big dead doggy.
Yeah, he was a handsome fella.
I noticed a group of men in their twenties
who seemed to find the whole thing very amusing.
Yeah. Yeah, shame on you, shame on you.
I hope you grow attached to a big dog who dies and you get sad at night.
[LAUGHTER]
This is still my favourite picture of him.
He had a heart of gold but he did not like weak people.
[LAUGHTER]
He liked nothing better than to ride round in a van staring people out.
[LAUGHTER]
This was taken the day my friend’s Spaniel went missing
and my friend accused Seldom of eating him.
I mean, scurrilous.
You know, they apologised, of course, because there was no proof.
Although the next day, I did find some teeth in his shit.
But on with the show. Silhouette sting.
[AFRICAN RAP MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Welcome to the second half of Stratagem.
At the end of which we’ll bring together everything we’ve learned
in a medley of inspirational eighties power ballads.
Yeah...
Combining love and education.
Not often you see those two things together.
Unless you fall in love with your maths teacher.
Or they fall in love with you.
[LAUGHTER]
I wonder where he is now...
[LAUGHTER]
Bet you can’t catch me.
[LAUGHTER]
Different times.
So, what is Stratagem? Let’s break it down.
It’s a strategy or STRAT that will turn you into A GEM.
Because deep down you’re all gems.
I mean, I can see a lot of ladies here on the front row.
I can see sapphires, rubies, emeralds... you know.
No diamonds but this is East London so that would be silly.
But yeah amber, topaz.
I can see a lot of semi-precious people.
[LAUGHTER]
But it’s also a way to Get Smarter...
[LAUGHTER]
On the outside and the inside, but it’s more important to on the inside.
Some people are ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside.
The elephant man, for example, ugly on the outside, beautiful on the inside.
But with someone like Priti Patel, it’s the other way round.
Then of course, there is Stag Tamer.
Yeah. We’re all familiar with the phrase, ‘Tame the stag within you.’
It means tackling your problems head on,
grabbing it by the antlers, staring it in the face and saying, ‘Calm down, deer.’
Clever.
And for a bit of fun, finally, MEGA TARTS!
[LAUGHTER]
Which I was appalled to discover
is the name of a nightclub for the over forties in High Wycombe.
[LAUGHTER]
Vulgar, tawdry place.
I mean, I stayed for one drink, had a very quick wee and left.
Brrr!
Sorry, just remembering the wee.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, this is Stratagem in essence.
So, very simply, Start, Turn up, Ready, Atonement,
Take a look in the mirror, Allegory,
Going solo, Eggs eggs eggs (self explanatory),
Me 2.0.
So, for the full experience, you can book now for our biannual Stratagem retreat,
where we spend an exciting weekend in Wales,
trying to track down its dampest valley.
[LAUGHTER]
Last year, it was a raging success.
Eight happier divorcees you will not meet.
Got some feedback from the attendees.
Great texts from some of the guys that were on there.
‘That was a staggering weekend’,
‘I will never forget that weekend’,
‘Unbelievable weekend’,
‘Can someone come and find me, I’ve broken my leg and I don’t know where I am.’
Right, I’ve just seen this.
Okay, they found her and she’s okay?
Okay. Right.
But she can walk?
Alright. Okay, well, tell her she’ll get free parking.
[LAUGHTER]
So, let’s talk Stratagem and take the nine stages in order.
Start - done that.
Turn up - you have.
Ready? Just a bit!
Wow, we’re getting through these
faster than Eamon Holmes gets through a free buffet.
[LAUGHTER]
We’re already at stage four - A for Atonement.
It means if you upset someone, fix it.
Even if she, or he...
is being pathetic.
[LAUGHTER]
For example, in 2019, I upset an Irishman on my BBC television show.
We’d asked for Alan Partridge lookalikes to get in touch
and received quite a few responses.
There was a humble Afghan shepherd called Zahir.
[LAUGHTER]
Cracking chap.
He had some fantastic stories.
Hilarious anecdotes about hand-to-hand combat in the caves of Tora Bora.
I was really looking forward to meeting him in the studio
but he’s gone to ground and his whereabouts are unknown.
[LAUGHTER]
Then, I was all set to interview Joan Ballaby, a pretty butcher from Derby.
[LAUGHTER]
We unwisely dated...
[LAUGHTER]
Kissing was weird, things turned sour, she changed her mind.
But the person selected to come on the show was Irishman, Martin Brennan.
[CHEERS]
Sadly things went awry when he began to sing uninvited –
as many Irish people do –
about Ireland’s difficult past.
It set tongues wagging with BBC top brass left red faced
by Partridge primetime bungle.
I was rude to him and today I plan to atone
through the power of poetry and the penny whistle.
Joining us via Zoom all the way from County Sligo
in the Republic of Southern Ireland, my friend, and farmer, Martin Brennan.
[APPLAUSE]
Martin?
MARTIN: ...He'll have the money out your hand
and in his pocket before you close your fist.
[LAUGHTER]
Martin, hello?
MARTIN: Who said that?
SHEILA: There’s a man.
Hello, Martin?
- He's here. - Thanks for joining us.
- Martin, can you hear me? - There he is.
My god Sheila, look at the fucking state of him.
- Martin, can you hear me? - I can.
Well, your camera is too high.
- You need to adjust... - Hang on while I shift it.
Okay. Right.
Great.
Alright, it’s too low now. It’s too low.
- Jesus man, make your fucking mind up. - Watch your tongue.
It's not me. It's Alec Partridge.
There you are, stay there.
Martin, just stay... Martin, there you are.
Martin, I’ve got to say, you're looking very well.
I'm fit as a fiddle and you're not looking so bad yourself.
Thank you.
You're awful smart.
- Yes, thank you. I try my best. - How much you pay for your jacket?
Oh. I get it free from Burtons.
You hear that? Your man gets all his clothes for free.
It's because... well let me see, have you heard of a brand ambassador?
Do we know a Brendan Bassador?
[LAUGHTER]
Brendan Bassador?
SHEILA: Is he a friend of Pat McGarry's?
Will he be a teacher at St Joseph's?
- I know the name... - Right, okay.
Now, Martin, I wanted to thank you for accepting my apology.
Now, you paid me 650 euros to come on your show and I shook your hand.
So there we are now.
Okay, alright.
Well, I believe they’ve put you up in a nice hotel and everything’s all...
It's not too bad. We're having a grand time.
I've not put my hand in my pocket since I left.
Great, good.
Well, do treat yourself to dinner, please.
SHEILA: We've had our dinner.
- A meal then. Please. - SHEILA: Tell him.
Just do treat yourself, treat the family.
You mustn't trouble yourself.
Well, I insist.
Well now, you’re a good man.
Great. Thank you.
Now, I’ve written a poem that I’d like to read to you
and all the good people of Ireland.
And you'll pay for dinner for the family?
Happy to.
There’s a few of us.
- How many? - Eight.
- Eight. Okay, well that’s fine. - Last count. Plus me.
- Right, so nine. - Plus the wife.
Okay, so you want dinner for ten... for ten people, yeah?
- Okay. - I do. Yes.
- Alright. - Shall we say a dozen?
[LAUGHTER]
- Alright, a dozen. - Plus me.
What, so thirteen? Thirteen?
They say thirteen’s unlucky, I’d sooner make it fourteen.
[LAUGHTER]
- Okay, alright. Okay. - Plus me.
What? That’s fifteen?
Sixteen with the wife.
[LAUGHTER]
- Sixteen people? That’s quite a lot. - They’re all family.
- Yeah, but not immediate family. - They are.
- That’s quite a lot for a family. - It’s not.
Ah yes, of course, you’re Irish.
I’d invite you as well, Alan but it's private.
Just myself, Sheila, Kevin, Aiden, Declan, Brendan, Clare, Siobhan, Declan...
- You said Declan twice. - We have two.
[LAUGHTER]
Kathleen, Maimi, Jonny, Paddy, Janey, Bridie, Marian, Shane and Seamus.
Right. Isn’t that eighteen?
Did we not say eighteen?
[LAUGHTER]
- Eighteen’s fine. - Plus myself.
- And the wife. - Twenty it is.
You’ve twisted my arm.
They say in fact, there were twenty at the Last Supper,
you know, with the helpers and what-not.
Now, you have a poem.
Yes. It’s a poem that extends the hand of friendship from my nation to yours.
Ah, you’re wanting to build a bridge over the Irish Sea.
Exactly, yes.
A team effort.
I suppose we’d design it, and you guys’d provide the labour?
[LAUGHS] Ya cheeky cunt.
[LAUGHTER]
So to the poem.
While I read the poem, I'll be accompanied by Lizzie who is an exquisite flautist
whose flawless flouting is fraught with thought.
Colleen plays the flute.
She does.
Well now, if you play half as well as you look,
you’ll have a fine tune coming out of your whistle.
Thank him.
- Thank you. - Smile.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, so to the poem.
It’s a poem entitled, ‘Tis Ireland,’ by me, Alan Partridge,
and if you’re ready, we’ll begin.
Martin, oh Martin...
MARTIN: What?
No, this is the poem.
- Martin. - [FLUTE PLAYS]
SHEILA: Answer him.
Martin, oh Martin,
From a land steeped in myth
Be my friend, be my brother
Be my kin, be my kith
Oh island of wonder!
This hulk of green limestone
This emerald lump
This clover-clad clump
Whittled by wind
Clad by thick peat
Pounded by Irish dancing feet
Bearded by heather
Hirsute with clover
Though some of the nice bits
Are tarmacked over
[LAUGHTER]
Ravaged by gales
Surrounded by shales
Adjacent to Wales
A land of tall tales
Tis Ireland
A fiddle, a singer, a drum that thuds
Songs about war and that shortage of spuds
The warmest of welcomes, the craic of all Craics
Where businesses come to avoid paying tax
See a flame-haired girl who’d wink if you kissed her
Maybe one of the Corrs
Or a Nolan sister
[MARTIN PLAYS IRISH MUSIC LOUDLY]
Martin, that’s quite loud.
Martin!
It’s quite loud!
[IRISH MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]
Martin?
[IRISH MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]
[LAUGHTER]
[IRISH MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]
[IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ If I had a wife, the plague of my life ♪
♪ I'll tell you what I would do ♪
♪ I'd buy her a boat ♪
♪ And set her afloat ♪
♪ And paddle my own canoe ♪
♪ If I had a wife, the plague of my life ♪
♪ I'll tell you what I would do ♪
♪ I'd buy her a boat ♪
♪ And set her afloat ♪
♪ And paddle my own canoe ♪
[FLUTE PLAYS]
MARTIN: Colleen!
[FLUTE PLAYS]
MARTIN: Alan!
[FLUTE PLAYS BADLY]
MARTIN: Colleen!
[FLUTE PLAYS]
MARTIN: Alan!
[FLUTE PLAYS BADLY]
MARTIN: Colleen!
[FLUTE PLAYS]
MARTIN: Alan!
[LAUGHTER]
[FLUTE PLAYS TERRIBLY]
[IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ If I had a wife, the plague of my life ♪
♪ I'll tell you what I would do ♪
♪ I'd buy her a boat ♪
♪ And set her afloat ♪
♪ And paddle my own canoe ♪
[CHEERS]
Fantastic! Terrific, yeah. Thank you!
Wow!
Love jamming with a fellow woodwinder!
And of course, ladies and gentlemen, my friend and farmer, Mr Martin McGuiness.
It’s fucking Brennan, ya eejit!
Oh yes, sorry. Sorry.
Yes. Thanks Lizzie, thanks.
Sorry, um...
Sorry for getting emotional during that bit.
Do you know, I’ve not cried onstage
since I drilled through my thumb nail at the Ideal Homes exhibition.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah. I had to keep my hand raised to stem the blood flow,
but it looked like a black power salute
and it made some people very uncomfortable.
So I just flattened it into a Nazi salute and that was fine.
Yeah. I mean, it was being hosted by Kirstie Allsopp, so...
[LAUGHTER]
Hang on.
Lynn, I’ve just been talking about someone like you.
[LAUGHTER]
You fired up the foot spa then?
How did you know?
Because you’re on security cameras.
I can see you, obviously.
Never had you down as a Peeping Tom.
[SIGHS]
Lynn, if I was going to peep on a woman,
it would not be a septuagenarian softening her bunions.
[LAUGHTER]
I am being vigilant.
You’re being paranoid.
I’m not paranoid, it was only a month ago
I had a Koi carp worth a hundred pounds stolen from my pond.
- For God sakes. - You got it back.
Yes, battered. In batter.
[LAUGHTER]
They dumped it on my lawn wrapped in newspaper with chips and peas.
Making it the most expensive fish supper I’ve been served outside of Dubai.
I could barely bring myself to eat it ‘til I added loads of salt and vinegar.
[LAUGHTER]
We’ve had a response from Darryl.
Oh yeah, what’s he got to say for himself?
Are you sure you want to withdraw the offer of the campervan?
Lynn, hell will freeze over before he gets his hands on my campervan.
Okay?
Only he says all of his solariums...
‘Solaria,’ but go on.
... are fitted with cameras and that includes the tanning rooms.
Right, I didn’t know that.
Lynn, ask him to destroy the footage and if he saw anything peculiar,
it’s because if it’s flaccid, it doesn’t get an even tan.
[LAUGHTER]
- Tell him he can borrow the van. - I think that’s prudent.
Yes. Okay, right.
By the way, Grant Schapps called from the Isle of Man
- about the judo weekend and I... - Sorry.
Okay, so we’ve atoned.
We’ve rid ourselves of unwanted guilt,
like throwing unwanted porn mags on the fire while you’re wife’s at Asda.
[LAUGHTER]
Dirty Dilbert nodding down there, remembering when he threw out his...
or burned his copies of Big Bums Weekly.
I think it’s monthly now!
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, now it’s time to take a look in the mirror.
Who would like to come up onstage and tell us about a problem they need fixing?
[FEMALE FRANTICALLY SHOUTS]
Okay, bloody hell.
Alright, yeah.
The one next to her would’ve done.
Alright, come on. Quick as you like, got a bit of a live wire here.
Yes. Yeah, come on, come on.
Yeah, okay.
Watch my bag.
Get a photo.
No, get a video.
- Get a video. - Pop this in your pocket,
Pop it in your pocket like that.
Okay, calm down, it’s alright.
- Oh my god, you’ve got nosal hairs. - Alright.
- Oh my god, I’m well loud now, aren’t I? - Don’t do that, don’t.
- Aaaahh! - I meant to get her, not this one.
Okay, what’s your name?
- Nina. Nina. - Nina Nina.
Just one Nina.
I was going to say I thought someone let a fire engine in!
Nina Nina!
[MANIACAL LAUGH]
That’s a lovely laugh.
- Did you hear that then? - And are those your friends you came with?
Yeah, yeah. My friend, Natalie.
She phoned me up and she said, “We’re going to this Strategy thing.’
- Yeah, Stratagem. -“Do you wanna come and see it?
It’s got this bloke in it.” I’d never heard of you.
I’m not being funny but I’d never head of you.
Yeah, you’re not my demographic, so that’s fine.
And then you asked someone to come up, yeah,
and they were like, “Fucking get on stage.”
- Oh no, shit, I’m sorry for swearing. - That’s alright.
Now, what problem...
And I was sitting there, honestly, like, what’s he going on about?
It’s good to talk but you’ve also got to listen.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay.
Oh my god, I’m sorry. Look at your face.
Don’t look so worried, I’m not gonna do nuffin.
I’m not worried.
Let’s talk about what’s wrong with you.
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, I could take a guess but why don’t you tell me?
Oh my god, nothing wrong with me, I’m having a great time.
Yeah. I mean in life, what’s bothering you?
Oh yeah, your nosal hairs. You need to get a strimmer.
- Yeah, I’ve got one. It’s jammed, alright. - I’m only teasing, darling.
- I’m only teasing. - Nina, you can’t half talk.
It’s like chatting to Mel and Sue at the same time.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah, what’s that?
- What is it? - What’s what?
- Strategy. - Stratagem.
- What is it? - It’s a life improvement system
that will improve the quality of people’s lives
in association with Bet365 and P
[LAUGHTER]
Can I ask you something?
- Have you been dumped or something? - I beg your pardon?
Have you been dumped?
Have you got nosal hairs in your ears an all?
No, a Vietnamese woman burns them off.
‘Cos that song, yeah, you did about that Virginia woman
- who kept laughing, ‘He, he, he.’ - Yeah.
Then she was in the grave at the end, we were saying, weren’t we, Nat?
She ain’t dead, she’s alive, isn’t she?
She’s dead to me.
[LAUGHTER]
She dumped you then, didn’t she? Oh my god.
That’s what all this is about, isn’t it?
All of this, ‘La la la, walking up and down.’
Get off, you cheeky bugger.
You’re like this, ‘She’s gonna see me doing this.’
- You’re like, ‘Look at me now, you slag.’ - Yeah, she’s not a slag.
I might have you back if you fucking beg me!
[LAUGHTER]
I’m right, aren’t I?
Oh my god, so what happened then? Did you mug her off?
- I literally don’t know what that means. - So, what happened?
Why did she break up with you? Why did she...
I’ll tell you if you let me get a ruddy word in edgeways.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, we were at a themed party, right.
They said, “Come as your favourite movie.”
Hers is Dirty Dancing because she’s a woman.
[LAUGHTER]
She ran up to me, saying, “Lift me up like Patrick Swayze.”
She leapt, my knees buckled, we both fell.
[LAUGHTER]
She said, “You’re not as strong as you were.”
And I said, “Yeah, and you could do with losing a few pounds.”
[LAUGHTER]
- It was not a slight on her. - No, stupid twat.
- It was a factual observation that... - I’m sorry.
... that she was carrying additional weight which mitigated...
- Twat behaviour. - ... my perceived lack of strength...
- No one cares about ... - ... that caused a brouhaha.
Darling, no one cares about your boo hoo hoo.
- Brouhaha. - Darling, it ain’t funny.
That’s not what brouhaha is. It’s a different thing.
Darling. Sometimes, darling, you’ve just got to shut ya fucking mouth.
- I told you... - What you’ve gotta do...
- I told you... - What you’ve gotta do!
- I told... - What you’ve gotta do!
-‘Sha ma fucking maf!’ - Yeah, good.
And now, look at me.
You need to buy her a nice, lovely handbag, Christian Louboutin.
Something that makes a lady...
- Listen, would you like a cigarette? - Oh my god, I wouldn’t mind, actually.
Great, there’s a chap up there, he’s got loads of fags.
Just go out there, go through the fire doors, let them close behind you,
have your fag, then when you want to come back in, knock twice,
pop back onstage and we’ll finish this conversation
which I’m really enjoying, by the way.
Oh, I know a girl who’d really like you.
She’s a dog groomer, she’s got a van.
Great. Dog’s dead. Off you pop.
[LAUGHTER]
Three knocks and we’ll let you back in.
I thought it was two.
Yeah, well, you have to do two to get to the third.
So, knock twice then add one and we’ll...
Trevor, do let her back in, yeah?
Great, okay.
Sorry about that.
I was hoping for a slightly more passive woman.
NINA: He smells of Quavers.
[LAUGHTER]
And that is Stratagem.
Silhouette sting.
[AFRICAN RAP MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, it was a very... it was a very cold day when we filmed those dances.
With Stratagem, you can be whatever you want to be.
An armchair, if you like.
A bannister, a barrista.
In other words, go out there and seize the day with both hands.
Grab it by the throat and throttle it!
It’s incredibly really,
I get such enjoyment from performing in front of total strangers.
What?
No, it’s not dogging.
People that go dogging aren’t strangers, they’ve got a WhatsApp group.
[LAUGHTER]
... so I’ve been told.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, you keep schtum for the last five minutes and we’ll stay friends.
Now, I don’t know about you,
I feel a medley of eighties power ballads coming on.
Rebekah. Rebekah, how’s tonight been for you?
[TECHNICAL FAILURE SOUND]
VOICE OF THE GODS: What followed was a musical medley
as delicate and intricately constructed as a Faberge egg.
Managing as it did, to marry key takeaways with air-punching balladry,
it left the audience wrapped.
Look at her face. Or his.
But including it on the streaming platform proved eye-wateringly expensive,
thanks to the demands of certain artists, who shall remain nameless.
In fact no, I will name them.
Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, George Michael and Aretha Franklin,
Phil Collins, Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand,
all of whom have to be having a laugh.
Have to be.
It’s a shame, as it would have been beneficial to them,
attracting an audience who have probably never heard of them
and now, probably never will.
Look at what Netflix has done for Kate Bush.
That could’ve been you.
Oh, you’re back again.
♪ Did you ever know that you’re my hero? ♪
Keep talking.
♪ You’re everything I would like to be ♪
Yeah?
♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪
♪ I am the wind beneath your wings ♪
[APPLAUSE]
Did you just do a farting noise?
[LAUGHTER]
Ah, for Christ’s sake, that’s it!
You’ve ruined it! You always try and butt in and take the piss!
I wish I’d not used up all of my F words; I could do with a few right now.
Actually, I’ve still got a C word.
Yeah, you are a downright troublesome nuisance and a cunt.
[LAUGHTER]
What? Forget the show!
I couldn’t give a shit about the show! There is no Stratagem!
It was all bullshit.
- Alan. - What? Oh yeah, get her down.
Yeah.
The whole thing’s just a big excuse so I could lift a woman up onstage
and show I was a dead strong man.
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, she’s not even that heavy.
What are you, a hundred and ten pounds?
- Fifty kilograms. - I don’t know what kilograms are!
[LAUGHTER]
I only know imperial measurements!
I just wanted to impress Virginia because I heard she was coming tonight.
Virginia, are you in?
Wait!
Ted, how do you know? Is she in the lighting gallery with you?
Are you joking?
[LAUGHTER]
Is she in a relationship with you?
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
Are you in love?
Please flash a second time.
[LAUGHTER]
I don’t know what to do now.
What shall I do?
Finish the song and we can go home?
I mean, what, shall I finish the song?
[SOME AUDIENCE CHEERS YES]
Well, that’s about a third of you.
[LAUGHTER]
That’s enough to win a general election.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Well, that’s the first past the post system for you.
I mean, you could introduce some form of proportional representation
but then you’re in danger of letting the Lib Dems in.
Hang on.
No!
The thing is it’s quite complex.
I mean, most people’s eyes glaze over
when you talk about alternative electoral systems.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
And uh, I suppose what I’m trying to say is...
♪ I don’t know much but I know I love you ♪
The trouble with coalitions is you lack a clear mandate.
♪ That may be all I need to know ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ I don’t know much ♪
I mean, Nick Clegg?
♪ But I know I love you ♪
That may be all I need to kno-ow-ow-ow
Do you vote for Conservative?
I’m not old enough to vote yet.
You’re fucking kidding me.
[LAUGHTER]
- Yes, I am. - Thank goodness for that.
♪ Those summer nights ♪
♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪
Hang on!
I did it!
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Aha!