1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:08,040 I’m Alan Partridge and I’m speaking to you from the recent past at my home. 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,120 If you’re wondering why I’m sporting a beard and colony linen, 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,880 it’s because I’ve just returned from a fact-finding mission 6 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,440 into different cultures and belief systems. 7 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,640 A journey that’s taken me to Cyprus, the Channel Islands, Bermuda 8 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:28,040 and several of the ‘Stans: Afghani, Kazakh, Turkmeni, Uzbeki and Paki-stan. 9 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:31,640 I plan to used what I’ve learnt to create the show that you’re about to see, 10 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,800 which in your time has been filmed and edited, but in my time, 11 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,240 is yet to be written. 12 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,000 It’s a quality show, I can assure you of that, 13 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,920 even though speaking right now, I can’t possibly know that. 14 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,040 Clearly, if I’ve included this bit, 15 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:49,160 it’s because I’ve decided afterwards that me saying this won’t make me look wrong. 16 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,320 So, take it from the me speaking now, 17 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,240 the show you’re about to see is good, 18 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,920 even though me speaking now couldn’t possibly know that. 19 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,600 So, please enjoy Alan Partridge in... 20 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,680 I haven’t decided the name of the show yet... at... I don’t know the venue. 21 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,280 I just hope it’s not the O2. 22 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,280 It’s just a massive tent, a giant umbrella. 23 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,680 They were supposed to take it down twenty years ago. 24 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:12,440 I don’t like tents. 25 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,680 I prefer caravans. 26 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:20,440 [MUSIC] 27 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,080 [GONG] 28 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:30,280 [TECHNOLOGICAL MUSIC] 29 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,320 VOICE OF THE GODS: Ladies and gentlemen, 30 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,880 please stop murmuring with anticipation. 31 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,000 I won’t ask you again, please stop murmuring. 32 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,680 Some of you have stopped but I can still hear a few women murmuring. 33 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:55,080 The reason most of you came tonight, is about to arrive. 34 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,000 He wishes you a particularly warm welcome 35 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,200 if you are ethnically diverse or gender fluid, 36 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:05,120 but makes no special effort to welcome straight white males 37 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,240 because they always turn up. 38 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:14,560 Please welcome a man who needs no introduction but is entitled to one: 39 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:21,680 Dr Alan Gordon Partridge, AKA, Alan Partridge. 40 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:23,720 Haha!! 41 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:26,840 Hello, London! 42 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,200 Hello, England! 43 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,160 Yeah. Show me some civic pride. 44 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,880 ♪ You built this city ♪ 45 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,520 ♪ You built this country on rock and roll ♪ 46 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,720 ♪ We beat the Germans ♪ 47 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:48,360 ♪ We beat the Spanish and we beat the French ♪ 48 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,720 But not the Russians or the Chinese. 49 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,120 ♪ We built this empire ♪ 50 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,520 ♪ By stealing things from all around the world ♪ 51 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,320 ♪ And money laundering ♪ 52 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,640 ♪ We built this city on slavery ♪ 53 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,840 Sorry about that, I’ve been reading the Guardian. 54 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,160 [LAUGHTER] 55 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,200 Welcome to the show. 56 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,680 Ensemble assemble. 57 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,480 [CLAPPING] 58 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,960 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 59 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,920 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 60 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,520 ♪ Why are they singing a song? ♪ 61 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,400 ♪ It isn’t a musical, is it? ♪ 62 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,800 ♪ No, of course not ♪ 63 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,480 ♪ I can’t stand musicals ♪ 64 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,400 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 65 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,080 ♪ Why do we sit on the front row? ♪ 66 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,640 ♪ He’s gonna pick on us. ♪ 67 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,680 ♪ Only if you’re disrespectful ♪ 68 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,600 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 69 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,120 ♪ Why is he looking at me like that? ♪ 70 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,200 ♪ I’ve got to look somewhere ♪ 71 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,360 [LAUGHTER]. 72 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,840 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 73 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,880 ♪ Why is everyone here white and middle aged? ♪ 74 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,440 He’s not! Yes. 75 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:55,760 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 76 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,000 ♪ How many more times are they gonna sing... ♪ 77 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,000 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 78 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,800 ♪ Three more times including this one.♪ 79 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,920 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 80 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,560 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 81 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:07,600 Wait. 82 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,320 [LAUGHTER] 83 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:10,720 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 84 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,600 See. 85 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,720 [APPLAUSE] 86 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:17,200 ♪ He was born in Norfolk to ordinary folk ♪ 87 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,520 ♪ Worked hard, disregarded those who said he wasn’t dope ♪ 88 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:24,120 ♪ There’s no way he could ever be an ordinary bloke ♪ 89 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,720 ♪ All the setbacks that set him back all put him off his stroke ♪ 90 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,920 ♪ High brow or low brow audiences all connect ♪ 91 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,600 ♪ The common touch mixed with a fearsome intellect ♪ 92 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,880 ♪ To the king of television... ♪ 93 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:42,080 ♪ Took to the wire then thriving in a cross platform media environment ♪ 94 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,160 ♪ Where’s Alan Partridge? ♪ 95 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,320 I’m here. 96 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,640 ♪ Where’s Alan Partridge? ♪ 97 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:48,480 Over here. 98 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,840 ♪ Who’s Alan Partridge? ♪ 99 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,160 I am. 100 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,240 ♪ Who’s Alan Partridge? ♪ 101 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:55,760 I am. 102 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,440 [LAUGHTER] 103 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,120 Ah... that was a very, very nice rap. 104 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,640 Me, I like it more urban. 105 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,400 [RAP BEAT] 106 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,840 ♪ Pumped, so I jump up, hit it like a muthahumper ♪ 107 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,680 ♪ Burnin’ rubber, like a bad bottom bank robber ♪ 108 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,600 ♪ Hittin’ the gas, showin’ my class, kickin’ some ♪ 109 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,800 ♪ That’s where I’m at, you great prat ♪ 110 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,480 ♪ Pour me out a large scotch ♪ 111 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,720 ♪ Big Willie watch, bought it, you can’t afford it ♪ 112 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,200 ♪ It’s beyond ya, Sekonda, all mine ♪ 113 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,680 ♪ H Samuel, £89.99 ♪ 114 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,200 ♪ Chronograph men’s black leather strap, yo scout ♪ 115 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,000 ♪ Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it out ♪ 116 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:38,080 ♪ Yo, Stratagem You me against the world ♪ 117 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,880 ♪ You can batter them P to the Partridge ♪ 118 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,360 ♪ The new Johnny Carson, on fire like arson, swinging ♪ 119 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,880 ♪ Higher than Tarzan, clean outta the park, bite like a Shark ♪ 120 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,760 ♪ Alpha like Clarkson, top of the food chain ♪ 121 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,360 ♪ Jeremy, won’t cancel me ♪ 122 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,280 ♪ First ya gotta bury me I ain’t hurta-ble, ♪ 123 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,200 ♪ Got a convertible, a garage full ♪ 124 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,760 ♪ Dime chicken head in my bed givin’ lollipop ♪ 125 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,960 ♪ Don’t stop, copped a rack, brought Freddie, if ya want it ♪ 126 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,320 ♪ Yo bitch, that’s okay - said in an ironic way ♪ 127 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,840 ♪ Yo Stratagem ♪ 128 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,760 Yeah, give me some slap hands. Woo! 129 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,080 [APPLAUSE] 130 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,360 Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! 131 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:16,880 Good rapping, Alan. 132 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,040 Good rapping, Alan. 133 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:20,720 Hello, London. 134 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,960 [CHEERS] 135 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,440 I love rap music. 136 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:30,760 And people say rap, all they talk about is Bentleys and big backsides. 137 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:32,960 So what? 138 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,640 We all enjoy a nice motorcar and a pretty bottom. 139 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,400 [LAUGHTER] 140 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:39,280 He does. 141 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,240 Big smile on his face. 142 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,920 But rap, rap’s nothing new. 143 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,360 I mean, we used to rap at school. 144 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,600 Yeah, ‘Ooh ah, I lost my bra. I lost my knickers in my boyfriend’s car.’ 145 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,000 And now rap’s used all the time. 146 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,280 Next, it’ll be ‘Norwich welcomes careful drivers... 147 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:58,920 ...motherfucker.’ 148 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,760 [LAUGHTER] 149 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,440 Actually, it’s best not to use that term in Norfolk. 150 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,240 [LAUGHTER] 151 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,360 Motherfucking is something they’re trying to discourage. 152 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,040 [LAUGHTER] 153 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,440 But, and it’s a big but... 154 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,640 He’s smiling again. 155 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,440 Dirty Dilbert. 156 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:19,480 That’s kind of what tonight is. 157 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:25,160 It’s a fun way to share knowledge that I believe will change your lives. 158 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,680 You’re here to learn, not just whoop and clap 159 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,200 like Ainsley Harriott at his kids’ nativity. 160 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,200 [LAUGHTER] 161 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,280 And please, don’t say this isn’t what you paid for. 162 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,720 You were given fair warning on the poster, 163 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,920 it’s right there just beneath where it says ‘Wheelchair access is not guaranteed. 164 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,360 If you have a negative attitude or you’re not prepared to work, 165 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,800 we politely request that you do not attend.’ 166 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,720 Sorry? 167 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,760 Well, we don’t have time to check every venue for wheelchair access? 168 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,600 Why? Because I’ve been learning a bloody rap. 169 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,480 What would you rather I do? 170 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,720 Make sure everyone’s got wheelchair access and not do a rap? 171 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,800 Think! 172 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,400 Okay, let’s begin. 173 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,400 Introducing my very own life management system, Stratagem. 174 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:16,480 [AFRICAN RAP PLAYS] 175 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,000 [LAUGHTER] 176 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:29,000 Now, Stratagem, or ‘New ways of thinking in a post Covid world’ 177 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,960 is a life management system that will improve the quality of your lives. 178 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,920 And a warm thanks to my sponsors, P and Bet365. 179 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,200 [LAUGHTER] 180 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,840 Please, do remember, gamble responsibly or you could lose your house. 181 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,160 Or, you might win a bigger one. 182 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,960 [LAUGHTER] 183 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,760 To protect their brands, I have agreed to limit the bad language in the show. 184 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:00,920 I’m allowed to say six fucks (including that one), so five more. 185 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,480 And two cunts... 186 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,960 ... including that one, so one more. Yeah. 187 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:11,040 I might not use them all, in which case, they roll over to Glasgow, 188 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,800 where they will be needed. 189 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,520 [LAUGHTER] 190 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,000 But let’s talk about Stratagem. 191 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,400 Stratagem has already helped people like Stacey. 192 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,120 Stacey felt undervalued in a workplace dominated by men. 193 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:35,360 But now, she gets to sit in on board meetings with them and write things down. 194 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,040 [LAUGHTER] 195 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,640 You show ‘em, Tracey. 196 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,720 Or Andrew... 197 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:49,760 Andrew used to wet the bed, and was something of a mummy’s boy. 198 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:55,080 But now he’s dry as a bone, and saving up for a new motorbike... 199 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,000 and a mattress. 200 00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,400 Or Dean. 201 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,800 Dean didn’t know how to talk to women. 202 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:06,240 But now, he approaches them all the time. 203 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,200 [LAUGHTER] 204 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,360 Lynn Benfield. 205 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,440 [CHEERS] 206 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,880 A dowdy woman 207 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,640 who works for me and has a number of problems, 208 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,960 most notably, not making the best of herself. 209 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,800 She’s regularly mistaken for a dinner lady. 210 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,160 But a quick makeover from me... helped. 211 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,800 [LAUGHTER] 212 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,520 And how? 213 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:42,240 Last time I saw a dinner lady like that was at the Hard Rock Café. 214 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,520 And there are dozens of others. 215 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,080 Doug, Sam, Trish, Mike, Mark, Mel, Rick, Jim, Jam, Jen, 216 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:53,600 Jack, Joan, Jed, Dominic, Edwina, big Quentin and me. 217 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:54,960 [LAUGHTER] 218 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:59,120 Yes, I’ve used Stratagem to tackle some of my fears. 219 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:04,720 It’s simply a case of breathing deeply and adopting the right attitude. 220 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,960 Because with the correct attitude, nothing is beyond you. 221 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,320 [MUFFLED] Fucking hell! 222 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,400 [LAUGHTER] 223 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,640 Find your inner calm and you can overcome anything. 224 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,440 You know, we’re all broken, 225 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:24,520 but there’s one grand old dame who’s more broken than most. 226 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,240 It’s this old girl. 227 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,440 [LAUGHTER] 228 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,960 Lady Britannia herself. 229 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,560 She’s on her knees, literally. 230 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,120 [LAUGHTER] 231 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:43,320 I drew that. 232 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:45,480 [LAUGHTER] 233 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:46,440 Pretty good. 234 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,720 Whether it’s here in the Midlands with its difficult-to-digest Stoke, 235 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:53,640 [LAUGHTER] 236 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,520 the irritable bowel that is London, 237 00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,840 the needy hands of Wales, 238 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:05,520 And of course, not forgetting the screaming baby that is Ireland. 239 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,720 [LAUGHTER] 240 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:13,720 And if that weren’t enough, she has deep mental problems in her head... 241 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,600 Scotland. 242 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,920 [LAUGHTER] 243 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:24,080 Wherever you look, things have gone tits up. 244 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:27,920 And I know you’re not supposed to say that in these gender sensitive times, 245 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,040 and yet, you can say cock up. 246 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:31,960 It’s interesting, isn’t it? 247 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,520 [LAUGHTER] 248 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,840 But it’s all very fluid these days. 249 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:40,080 I mean, the fact is women these days, can have cocks. 250 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,680 And I know for a fact, men can have tits... 251 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,640 [LAUGHTER] 252 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,920 ... just from taking a sauna with Eamon Holmes. 253 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,800 [LAUGHTER] 254 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,000 But there are still differences. 255 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,960 There are still differences between the genders. 256 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:02,520 I mean, if a woman, for example, is found with a dildo in her handbag, 257 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,520 it’s seen as very feminist. 258 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:05,720 Very feminist. 259 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,600 But if someone finds a rubber vagina in a man’s hand luggage, 260 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,680 there’s a right hullaballoo! 261 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,480 I missed my flight! 262 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,000 [LAUGHTER] 263 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:22,760 Because we all have problems and I’m no exception. 264 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:27,480 At the age of sixteen, I was diagnosed as medically gormless. 265 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,320 [LAUGHTER] 266 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,760 An affliction I still deal with today. 267 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,720 If I go on a Tinder date with a woman and she starts talking about her kids, 268 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,920 my eyes glaze over and I go gormless. 269 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,040 [LAUGHTER] 270 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:47,080 I’m also sad because a woman I was in love with broke my heart, 271 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,240 but I don’t want to talk about it. 272 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,880 And my dog died. 273 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,200 [AUDIENCE AWGHS] 274 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,360 Yeah. Yeah. 275 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:55,560 There he is. 276 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,400 Best dog in the world, yeah. 277 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,400 They don’t make ‘em like that anymore, because it’s illegal. 278 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,360 But I’m gonna go down into the audience now. 279 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,240 [MIC SQUEAKS] 280 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,160 A bit of feedback. 281 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,760 I’m gonna go down into the audience, get away from the amplifiers. 282 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:15,240 Yeah, I’ve become something of an expert on face interpretation. 283 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:20,520 If you look at my face up there, a lot of people say I have a very friendly face. 284 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,200 Some people think I have the face of a very friendly neighbour. 285 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,240 You can imagine me looking over the garden fence, can’t you, 286 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,520 and saying, “Are you having a barbecue?” 287 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,320 [LAUGHTER] 288 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,720 But let’s, let’s interpret some of the faces here. 289 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:33,440 Let’s see. 290 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,080 Now, this man’s face here. 291 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,480 Your face, Sir, now your face tells... 292 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,640 [LAUGHTER] 293 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,840 Your face tells a story, doesn’t it, yeah? 294 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:44,000 But it’s quite a long-winded story, isn’t it? 295 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,080 It doesn’t really go anywhere. 296 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,120 This lady’s smiling a lot here but beneath her smiling, 297 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,880 she’s saying, ‘I’m angry with myself for making poor life choices.’ 298 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,440 Yes, and that’s her husband so that’s confirmed. 299 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:58,400 Okay. 300 00:14:58,840 --> 00:14:59,640 Let’s see. 301 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,760 A man here smiling, but beneath his smile, he’s saying, ‘Help me! Help me! Help me!’ 302 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:04,640 Yeah, okay. 303 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,920 Let’s see, more... 304 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,840 Ah yes. Yes, this gentleman here, yes... 305 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,040 This gentleman here, his face is very simple, this one. 306 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:16,240 His face says quite simply, ‘Classic FM.’ 307 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,000 [LAUGHTER] 308 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,360 It’s a minor affliction, 309 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:25,080 it means, ‘I like classical music but only if it’s been on an advert.’ 310 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:27,200 Okay, silhouette dance. 311 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:32,400 [AFRICAN RAP MUSIC] 312 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:37,960 [LAUGHTER] 313 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:41,040 Okay, now, before I tell you about Stratagem, 314 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,960 a few frequently asked questions. 315 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,160 First of all, why are you dressed like that? 316 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:48,600 Easy. 317 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,040 In choosing my outfit, I was guided by one simple question: 318 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:56,400 what would Christ wear if he was Steve Jobs? 319 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,680 [LAUGHTER] 320 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,840 Someone the other night shouted out, “Alan, you’ve creamed yourself.” 321 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,840 And he was escorted from the building. 322 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,400 [LAUGHTER] 323 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,760 I also designed the set myself. 324 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:13,800 Yes, interesting story behind the set design. 325 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,120 I used to love Meccano when I was a child. 326 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,240 Yes, yes. 327 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:23,160 And um, one of the best things I ever made was a women’s prison. 328 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,200 [LAUGHTER] 329 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,960 And... it’s sort of based on that, you know. 330 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,440 You can imagine, can’t you, a very bossy lady screw 331 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,320 walking up and down the gantry, banging on the bars 332 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,600 and saying, “Come on girls, bedtime.” 333 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,080 I don’t know how they talk. 334 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,680 Secondly, can I go to the toilet before the interval? 335 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:46,680 No. 336 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:47,760 [LAUGHTER] 337 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,760 Is there a lack of diversity in your audience? 338 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:52,880 Hell yeah. 339 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,480 But I’m taking steps to address that, 340 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,960 along with my friends and partners in the National Trust 341 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,520 and the Countryside Alliance. 342 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,720 [LAUGHTER] 343 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:05,480 And I’m getting there. 344 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,400 You know, I think my ensemble has a pretty good balance, you know. 345 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,320 I think it looks like an advert for Benetton. 346 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:12,680 [LAUGHTER] 347 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:18,080 The National Trust also making some progress, as you can see. 348 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,640 Getting there, you know. 349 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:20,960 [SIGHS] 350 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,280 But the guys at the Countryside Alliance, they’re struggling. 351 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,360 [LAUGHTER] 352 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,160 I don’t know what it is, it’s baffling. 353 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:31,960 It’s baffling. 354 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:32,920 And I mean, they’ve made a start. 355 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,080 I mean, look at the end there, that’s a woman. 356 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,760 [LAUGHTER] 357 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:42,040 Is your home vulnerable to burglary, given people know you’re on tour? 358 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,880 No, because I can do this. 359 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,520 [LAUGHTER] 360 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,840 Yeah, got eyes on the gaff 24/7. 361 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,920 Don’t worry about the lady, that’s my assistant, Lynn. 362 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,880 She’s there as a sort of... a sort of visual deterrent. 363 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,880 A sort of mobile scarecrow. 364 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,080 Mobilish. Yeah. 365 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,600 I think I know where she’s going, 366 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,720 but I had a camera fitted in the biscuit cupboard. 367 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,720 Gotcha! 368 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,440 [LAUGHTER] 369 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,280 It’s like Spring Watch, isn’t it? 370 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,800 Here comes the female, scavenging for food, 371 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:25,160 Largely herbivorous with a diet rich in cheese and onion pie, and peas. 372 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,720 She’s picked up the scent of triple chocolate Boasters. 373 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:30,920 But what’s this? 374 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,320 Ah yes, Jaffa cakes. She is pleased. 375 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,800 One more look and she’s off. 376 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,480 She will feed well tonight. 377 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:43,640 Soon, the rains will come and she will go on about it for ages. 378 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,240 [LAUGHTER] 379 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,000 I’m not sure what she’s doing in my record collection. 380 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,240 Actually, I’ll just give her a quick call. 381 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,440 She won’t listen to my records. 382 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:57,840 Unless there’s an Irishman in a rocking chair on the cover, she ain’t interested. 383 00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,320 [PHONE RINGS] 384 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:00,600 Come on, look, it’s in your handbag. 385 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,560 LYNN: Lynn Manfield. 386 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,200 Lynn, all quiet on the western front? 387 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:05,920 I am, skipper. 388 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,080 Yeah, you’re not thinking of rearranging my records, are you, by any chance? 389 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,800 Only to pop them in alphabetical order. 390 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,200 They’re all higgledy piggeldy. 391 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:19,400 Well, I don’t know how you order your five records but these are ordered by genre. 392 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:20,920 How’d you mean? 393 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:26,520 Rock, soft rock, pop rock, prog rock, cock rock, hip-hop and the Seekers. 394 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,200 [LYNN CHUCKLES] 395 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,080 Actually, forget it. 396 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,440 I know you only have two genres: hymns and not hymns. 397 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:38,640 By the way, that friend of yours, Darryl Flench has been talking about you again. 398 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,080 Oh yeah? Go on. 399 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,840 He was on the WhatsApp group, 400 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:45,040 telling everyone you’ve forgotten how to drive a car with a manual gearbox. 401 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,840 Vicious bastard! 402 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,320 He’s trying to destroy me, Lynn. 403 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,240 I need to retaliate. 404 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,320 Didn’t you offer him the use of your campervan for a week in the summer? 405 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,800 Yes, I did. Go on. 406 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,400 Then I suggest you withdraw the offer. 407 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,560 Well, he was gonna take his kids to Wales. 408 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,360 It’s the only week he has custody. 409 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,000 Well, they’ll have to go away with their mother. 410 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,400 See how he likes that. 411 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,320 Lynn, you would have made a great secretary for the Gestapo. 412 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,560 Copy that. 413 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:12,600 [LAUGHTER] 414 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,240 Why Stratagem? 415 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,280 Well, because it worked on me. 416 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:23,520 One day last year, my mind, like freshly milked Rice Krispies, 417 00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:27,520 went snap, crackle and then pop. 418 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,280 [MELANCHOLY MUSIC] 419 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,920 Pictured here at the launch of the new Range Rover Vogue, 420 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,920 I looked the very image of contentment. 421 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,000 I had the world at my feet. 422 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:44,240 I was on first name terms with the whole of the Norfolk Range Rover dealership. 423 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,480 They even introduced me to Top Gear’s Richard Hammond, 424 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,280 who although medically short, 425 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,880 was able to mingle by carrying around a small step. 426 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:56,800 [LAUGHTER] 427 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:01,040 Yet inside, I began to feel something was missing. 428 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,120 My friend, Bill, who has one eye bigger than the other 429 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,720 and is pictured here on my left... 430 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,400 [LAUGHTER] 431 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,920 ... said, “Alan, you’re like a cat, always landing on your feet.” 432 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:16,320 I said, “Then why do I feel so empty inside?” 433 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:20,400 He said, “Alan, I only want to talk about the new Range Rover.” 434 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:21,960 [LAUGHTER] 435 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,080 And with that, he sidled to the buffet. 436 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,560 Inside, I began to feel something was missing. 437 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,920 I had to ask myself, who was I? 438 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,400 Where had I come from? 439 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,040 Where had I come from? 440 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,680 Well, obviously there are different ways to answer that question, 441 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,080 depending on how far back you go. 442 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,920 Um... The shower. 443 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,440 Norwich. 444 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,280 Mum’s vagina. 445 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,200 [LAUGHTER] 446 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:56,720 But for me, the search for answers began last June. 447 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,680 I was clearing out my garage to turn it into a one man squash court. 448 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,200 [LAUGHTER] 449 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,480 And as I um’d and ah’d over whether to throw out a picture of my children, 450 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,480 [LAUGHTER] 451 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,240 in which they looked quite ugly, 452 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,120 I stumbled over something that was to change my life. 453 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:20,080 A letter I had written to my future self when I was eleven years old. 454 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,640 And I’d like to read it, I have it right here. 455 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,360 [PAPER RUSTLES] 456 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:32,480 ‘Dear Alan, I pray this missive finds you in good cheer 457 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,480 and that the travails of life do not weigh heavy upon your weary brow.’ 458 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,960 Yeah, I was a bit of a tit. 459 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,640 [LAUGHTER] 460 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:42,760 ‘I wonder what becomes of me. 461 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,000 I’m only eleven, but I imagine in fifty years from now, 462 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,160 you will have gone on to do great things.’ 463 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:50,000 Tick. 464 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,240 [LAUGHTER] 465 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,080 ‘And live in a big house.’ 466 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:54,800 Tick. 467 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,080 ‘With children who love you dearly.’ 468 00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,720 [CLEARS THROAT] 469 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,080 [LAUGHTER] 470 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:07,640 ‘I often wish I could ask your advice, as some of my classmates are disruptive, 471 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,400 particularly those from broken homes.’ 472 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:11,800 [LAUGHTER] 473 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,640 There should be special schools for illegitimate children, 474 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,080 called simply ‘Bastard Academies’. 475 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,440 [LAUGHTER] 476 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,200 I was a very right-wing little boy. 477 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,680 [LAUGHTER] 478 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,240 ‘Kind regards, Alan G. Partridge. 479 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:31,240 P.S. Please keep this letter safe as humidity can cause the pulp to oxidise. 480 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,040 This is known as foxing.’ 481 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:34,760 Adorable. 482 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,280 [LAUGHTER] 483 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:42,720 Well, as a Stratagem exercise, I wrote a letter back to my eleven year old self. 484 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:47,200 I so wished I could offer the young Alan Partridge some words of encouragement, 485 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,360 but of course, that’s impossible. 486 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,560 Then I remembered, I love theatre. 487 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,120 Ow! 488 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,240 [LAUGHTER] 489 00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:02,600 Over the years, I must have seen somewhere in the region of ten plays! 490 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,480 [LAUGHTER] 491 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:09,320 From the stage version of Bad Girls to the stage version of Only Fools and Horses. 492 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,400 [LAUGHTER] 493 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,240 And everything in between. 494 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:18,480 So, what if tonight, theatre could be our time machine and take us back to the past? 495 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,760 You’ll have a fair idea of what the past is like, 496 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:25,120 just from imagining Knightsbridge but full of English people. 497 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,120 [LAUGHTER] 498 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,480 By using the power of theatre, I will send this letter 499 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:35,280 that I have conveniently folded into the shape of a paper plane, 500 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,960 back through some sort of time portal to the boy I once was. 501 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,440 All you need to do, is believe! 502 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,200 Ahhhh! 503 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,920 [SPOOKY MUSIC] 504 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:09,200 [ALAN MAKES GIBBERISH NOISES] 505 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:11,440 [BELL TOLLS] 506 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,560 ♪ Go back in time ♪ 507 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,600 ♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪ 508 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,640 'The twin towers are down.' 509 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,200 ♪ Go back in time ♪ 510 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,320 ♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪ 511 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,240 'Tear down that wall.' 512 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,760 ♪ Go back in time ♪ 513 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:30,640 ♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪ 514 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,440 'I’ve got AIDS!' 515 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,120 ♪ Go back in time ♪ 516 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:36,960 ♪ Go-o-o back in time ♪ 517 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,880 'I’ve landed on the moon.' 518 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,560 FEMALE TIME MACHINE VOICE: Norwich, 1968. 519 00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:46,240 [LAUGHTER] 520 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:51,560 We’re here at my school. 521 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,640 What if I bump into myself and crack the spacetime continuum 522 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,600 and end up in the fifth dimension or something? 523 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,640 Jesus H Christ, theatre is mind-blowing! 524 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:02,880 [LAUGHTER] 525 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,040 Wait! I can hear someone coming. 526 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,320 Holdfast. 527 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:07,920 I don’t know what that means. 528 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:10,040 [LAUGHTER] 529 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:15,560 Look, it’s me. 530 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,080 I loved combining skipping and karate. 531 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:20,400 [LAUGHTER] 532 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,720 And I’m in my favourite parka. 533 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:27,320 I had no peripheral vision but it protected me from the bullies, 534 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:30,040 unless they punched me directly down the snorkel. 535 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,440 Here come the school bullies now, Leonard and Neville. 536 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,360 LEONARD: Here, Alan, can we have some crisps? 537 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,160 YOUNG ALAN: Leave me alone! 538 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,760 NEVILLE: You’ve got four bags. 539 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,800 We didn’t get no breakfast, being from broken homes and all. 540 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,320 LEONARD: Yeah, our dads ran off. 541 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,800 YOUNG ALAN: Stop bullying me! 542 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,560 I work hard to afford these crisps. 543 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,440 If you don’t have the motivation to get a paper round, 544 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,200 I’m afraid there are consequences. 545 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,240 Fine. Have the crisps! 546 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:08,400 You scrounging bullies make my life a misery. 547 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,280 [SOBBING SOUNDS] 548 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:14,320 Oh! There’s my letter! Read it! Read it! 549 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,120 [LAUGHTER] 550 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:17,080 [BELL RINGS] 551 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:18,240 Wait! Don’t go! 552 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:19,600 YOUNG ALAN: Who’s that? 553 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,040 My god, he can hear me. 554 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:22,920 I love the power of theatre. 555 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,400 [LAUGHTER] 556 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:25,240 YOUNG ALAN: Who is it? 557 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,320 It’s... safety gate... 558 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,200 [LAUGHTER] 559 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:30,840 Wait! 560 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,000 Wait! 561 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:35,280 Wait! 562 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,080 [LAUGHTER] 563 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,160 It’s me, Alan Partridge. 564 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,960 I’m you but in the year 2022. 565 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,400 Take off your snorkel parka so I can look at me. 566 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,920 [LAUGHTER] 567 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:56,160 Yeah, that’s me, alright. 568 00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:57,760 [LAUGHTER] 569 00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,200 Golly gosh. 570 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,160 Why have you come here? 571 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,120 I’ve come from the future to give you some advice, 572 00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:06,440 to tell you this bullying will end. 573 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,200 Although it does happen to me again when I’m married. 574 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,120 Who are you talking to? 575 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:12,760 Oh, just some people from London. 576 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:14,120 Is that where you live? 577 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:15,600 Jesus Christ, no. 578 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,040 [LAUGHTER] 579 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,320 What’s it like in the future? 580 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,880 Do they still have the Royal Yacht Britannia? 581 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,880 I’m so sorry, it was decommissioned in 1997 582 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,400 and is now a floating museum in Scotland. 583 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,120 Those poor royals. 584 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,480 I do hope nothing else has gone wrong for them. 585 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:40,280 [LAUGHTER] 586 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:42,400 Uh... Na. 587 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:44,680 But it’s you I’ve come to talk to. 588 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:45,880 You have to knuckle down. 589 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:49,320 More application and less dreams and big ideas. 590 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,720 Don’t you mean fewer dreams and big ideas? 591 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:53,640 That’s more like it. 592 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,320 Good grammar’s more important than fancy ideas. 593 00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:59,160 I do so enjoy correcting people. 594 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,120 Hey, hey, talk to me. 595 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:03,200 But what about the bullies? 596 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,080 Forget the bullies. 597 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:08,960 Leonard ends up as a labourer and in 2004, falls off some scaffolding, to his death. 598 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:13,600 He thought he was too cool to wear a safety harness. 599 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:16,080 Well, I’m sorry but what goes around comes around. 600 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,160 Which is precisely what I thought. 601 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:19,520 You reap what you sow. 602 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,160 Exactly. I couldn’t agree more. 603 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,920 Do you know, I love chatting with you about personal responsibility. 604 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,760 And pay no attention to the bullies, you’re a smashing kid. 605 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:31,640 Oh, I don’t know. 606 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:37,320 I’m not a fast runner or a gifted scholar, or one of the handsome lads. 607 00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:40,440 Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. 608 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,840 You’re the most handsome boy in this school. 609 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:45,760 No, I’m not. 610 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:47,080 I mean it. 611 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:49,040 Can I have a hug? 612 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:51,920 Okay. 613 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:55,720 Seriously, you look sensational. 614 00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:58,680 [LAUGHTER] 615 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,440 - Would you like another hug? - No, not... no. 616 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,080 Now, now run along, you silly little boy. 617 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,400 Aargh! 618 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,400 In reality, of course, we can’t talk to our younger selves, 619 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,880 which is a shame because anyone who doesn’t learn from the past 620 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:17,920 is doomed to repeat it. 621 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,200 From people who vote Labour... 622 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,320 ... to men who dye their own hair. 623 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:25,680 [LAUGHTER] 624 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,600 But if I don’t learn from the past, what will become of me? 625 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,560 If only I could find out. 626 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,160 What am I talking about? 627 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:34,280 I’ve got a fucking time machine. 628 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:38,800 Set the coordinates for 2065. 629 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,080 [SPOOKY MUSIC] 630 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,880 [BABBLING JIBBERISH NOISES] 631 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:52,560 FEMALE TIME MACHINE VOICE: Arriving Norwich city centre, 2065. 632 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,160 Norwich city centre. 633 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:58,360 Why are there no people here? 634 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,240 It’s a deserted wasteland. 635 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:03,560 Good god! 636 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:05,600 They finally went and did it! 637 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:08,280 They pedestrianised all of it! 638 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:11,560 [LAUGHTER] 639 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:14,600 Mad fools! 640 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:16,400 I love the power of theatre. 641 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:18,960 But wait! 642 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:22,240 I set the coordinates for my future, so my older self should be here too. 643 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:24,040 But where is he? 644 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,760 You are in a restricted sector. 645 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,320 You do not have a permit. 646 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,800 Please, I mean no harm! 647 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,680 I look a bit like a wasp. 648 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,240 Yes, I can see that. 649 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,600 Do not be alarmed, it’s just... 650 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:44,720 ... a voice synthesiser that’s built into the helmet. 651 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:48,600 God, you sound like a cross between a Dalek and Stephen Hawking. 652 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:50,960 I suppose that would be Davros. 653 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,320 Quite unnerving actually, I might... I might change that. 654 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:55,480 Yes, do. Do. 655 00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,320 Now, who are you and what are you doing here? 656 00:31:57,600 --> 00:31:59,680 Well, it’s me, Alan. 657 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:02,600 How do you know my real name? 658 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:05,360 I’ve not used the name Alan for years. 659 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:09,840 I’m known as Rrrrrrrr 5. 660 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:14,000 That’s a bit weird. You’re known as Rrrr 5? 661 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,160 Oh, no, no, no, no. 662 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,240 Rrrrrrrr 5. 663 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,160 Well, anyway... What I’m saying Alan, it’s me. 664 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,560 - I’m you. - Impossible. 665 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:26,800 It’s not impossible. 666 00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:31,800 I’ve travelled in a time machine, using the magic of theatre from the year 2022. 667 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:34,440 How do I know this isn’t a trick? 668 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:36,280 You could be anyone. 669 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,560 Alright then, ask me anything about your life from before then. 670 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:41,960 Very well. 671 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:48,840 Back in 2018, what feature of the new Range Rover impressed me the most? 672 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:50,800 [LAUGHTER] 673 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,400 That the arm rest doubled as a cool box. 674 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,440 My god! You are me! 675 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,480 Yeah, do you have to loom over me like that? 676 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,880 You remind me of a lunch I had with Richard Osman. 677 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,960 Very well, would you like me to change my size and perspective? 678 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:07,920 If you wouldn’t mind. 679 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:09,280 Actually, I’ll come up and join you. 680 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,280 FEMALE TIME MACHINE VOICE: Please stand back. Man reducing. 681 00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:14,000 Please stand back. 682 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:18,040 [BEEPING AND GROANING] 683 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:26,520 Wow. 684 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,960 I don’t know what it means, but wow. 685 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:30,280 [LAUGHTER] 686 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:31,840 What about... I like the outfit. 687 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:34,040 What about all these gauntlet sleeve things? What are they for? 688 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:37,640 Everyone wears gauntlet sleeves in cyberspace. 689 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:39,400 Cyberspace? 690 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:41,120 I don’t understand, how old are you? 691 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:43,360 One hundred and five. 692 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:44,960 Nearly one hundred and five. 693 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,720 I’ve gotta say, you look good for a hundred and five. 694 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:51,440 I’ve never looked or sounded better, thanks to an Intel Pentium Processor. 695 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,920 [INTEL THEME TUNE] 696 00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:55,640 [LAUGHTER] 697 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:58,800 You’re powered by a Pentium Processor? 698 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,400 [INTEL THEME TUNE] 699 00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:02,920 A bit weird. 700 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:03,880 Strange. 701 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:05,520 I wouldn’t be without my Pentium. 702 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:07,800 [INTEL THEME TUNE] 703 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:12,640 Ignore that sound, it’s contractual whenever you say Pentium Processor. 704 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:14,640 [INTEL THEME TUNE] 705 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:19,120 What do you mean, you’re powered by a Pentrium Processor? 706 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:21,360 It didn’t do the noise there. 707 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,160 I think you said Pentrium with a R. 708 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,440 It’s only if you say Pentium. 709 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:26,680 [INTEL THEME TUNE] 710 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:27,960 You’ll get used to it. 711 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,120 It happens whenever you say any brand name. 712 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,000 What, even Go Compare? 713 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:38,440 Oh, no, no. He was beaten to death in 2044. 714 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:40,120 [LAUGHTER] 715 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:42,000 It’s now a national holiday. 716 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,360 But yes, all other brands. 717 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:49,000 So, in the future, brands have become all powerful and I am trapped in cyberspace. 718 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:51,560 It sounds like a dystopian nightmare. 719 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:55,840 Not at all, thanks to the fast, reliable speed of the processor 720 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:57,640 we were just mentioning, 721 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:01,800 my legs can do something I’ve wanted to do since I was thirty. 722 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:03,040 Look! 723 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:06,680 [RIVERDANCE MUSIC] 724 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:07,800 Wow. 725 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:13,880 Or perhaps you’d prefer a hoedown. 726 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:15,280 If it makes you happy. 727 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:17,360 This is a real rooting, tooting lot. 728 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:18,600 It is. 729 00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:19,960 Great. 730 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,520 [COUNTRY MUSIC] 731 00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:23,680 [CHUCKLES] 732 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,800 - There you go. - Perhaps something more Parisian. 733 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:29,080 Ah, that’s a bit weird. 734 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:30,680 [CAN-CAN MUSIC] 735 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,160 I'm not sure about that. 736 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,520 Can you stop it? I don’t want a bum in my face. 737 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:40,200 - You’re lying. - Yeah, but not a giant woman’s bum. 738 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:42,200 You’re still lying. 739 00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:46,080 - I’m you, remember. - No, I’m sorry. 740 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:50,760 I’m sorry, that’s not been acceptable since Me Too. I’m sorry. 741 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:54,320 Yes. But then Me Three came along, 742 00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:58,040 and everything went back to the way it used to be. 743 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:00,440 These days, you can say what you want to anyone. 744 00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:02,600 You can even bully them. 745 00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:04,920 You’re joking, that sounds awful. 746 00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:07,000 Well, it’s what the Prime Minister wants. 747 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:08,840 Wait, who’s the Prime Minister? 748 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:09,880 Jeremy Clarkson. 749 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,320 Oh my god! 750 00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,800 That’s like Boris Johnson being Prime Minister, except... 751 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:16,520 Well no, it’s exactly the same. 752 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:19,800 If you’re in cyberspace, are you still alive? 753 00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:22,000 Oh no, I have been digitised. 754 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:26,080 When I was one hundred, I had myself put down like a poorly dog. 755 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:27,400 Why? 756 00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:29,080 Tax avoidance. 757 00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,160 It’s the only way to ringfence your assets. 758 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,520 Yes, but Alan, life’s not about assets, it’s about love. 759 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:36,560 It’s fist bumping a tramp. 760 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,840 It’s smiling at a gay wedding, 761 00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:43,000 having lunch with an ethnic friend, 762 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,120 or just having beer with a straight mate. 763 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:49,240 It’s not about the contents of your Pentium Processor. 764 00:36:49,240 --> 00:36:51,480 - [INTEL THEME TUNE] - Oh, fuck off! 765 00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:55,360 Now you’ve made me sad with your tales of love and humanity. 766 00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:58,080 - Good. The future’s shit. - Go. 767 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:00,600 - I’m going. - You should never have come here. 768 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,440 - You can say that again. - Leave me alone. 769 00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:04,200 Yeah, your bum’s on back to front. 770 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:05,440 [LAUGHTER] 771 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:07,200 Ah, sod him. Sod him. 772 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,160 Ha... 773 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:11,920 Well, a lot to unpack there. 774 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:13,720 [LAUGHTER] 775 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:17,880 Of course, it was a flight of fantasy, but what that piece illustrates, 776 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:22,840 through the lens of theatre de fantastique (fantastic theatre), 777 00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:25,280 is we can create... 778 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,720 no, I’m not wanking off two men, you dirty git! 779 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:30,000 My apologies, filthy bastard. 780 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:31,880 Silhouette sting. 781 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:36,880 [AFRICAN RAP MUSIC] 782 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,880 Now, I could tell you about the benefits of Stratagem 783 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:49,720 until I am blue in the face, or the cows come home... 784 00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:53,880 Or the cows go blue and my face comes home. 785 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:55,920 [LAUGHTER] 786 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:56,720 Sorry. 787 00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:00,480 But why not hear it from someone who’s been through my programme, 788 00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,320 whose life has been transformed by it. 789 00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:06,640 Please, put your hands together and clap so hard your palms go pink, 790 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:07,440 as we welcome... 791 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:09,080 My mind’s gone blank, I can’t remember her name. 792 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:10,680 I’m sure it’ll come to me... yes it has. 793 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:11,920 Jeanette Jackson. 794 00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:14,720 [MUSIC] 795 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,040 [KISSES] 796 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:19,440 Jeanette, thank you. 797 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,160 Thank you for joining us, and a warm welcome to Stratagem. 798 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:23,280 Cheers. 799 00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:24,520 Thank you very much. 800 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:25,920 - Thank you so much for having me. - Thank you. 801 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,080 No need to look around, you’ll feel them bump your calves 802 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:30,800 and you’ll naturally want to sit. 803 00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:31,920 There you go. 804 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:33,600 [LAUGHTER] 805 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:34,920 What a confident entrance. 806 00:38:35,240 --> 00:38:36,320 Ah, thank you. Come on. 807 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,080 No, especially from someone from such humble origins. 808 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,520 I believe you even went to state school. 809 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,840 - I did. Yeah. - God bless you. 810 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:49,040 I mean, nothing wrong with that but heartbreakingly, yours was in Wigan. 811 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:50,960 [LAUGHTER] 812 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,920 Well, I am from Wigan. Yeah. 813 00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:56,400 And there might be other people in from Wigan tonight. I don’t know. 814 00:38:56,720 --> 00:38:58,160 - [AUDIENCE SHOUT] - Hey! 815 00:38:58,160 --> 00:38:59,480 What, with tickets? 816 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,440 [LAUGHTER] 817 00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:04,960 But wherever you’re from, I hope that I am proof positive 818 00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:07,480 that systems like Alan’s can make a difference. 819 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:09,760 Thank you for saying that, because when I first met you, 820 00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:12,040 you were a timid little mouse, weren’t you? 821 00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,280 She was working in NatWest and you were so quiet, 822 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:18,520 I had to wrap on the glass, didn’t I, and say, “Speak up, woman!” 823 00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:24,520 Well, here I am just a few years later, running my own self help classes, so... 824 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,600 That’s humbling. Humbling, very humbling. 825 00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,960 Tell us, what was it specifically about my system that set you on this path? 826 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:33,960 Yeah, well I’d like to answer that, if I may, by telling a story. 827 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:35,400 Please, do. 828 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:37,480 What’s she doing? 829 00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:39,040 [LAUGHTER] 830 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:40,440 It’s about a little girl. 831 00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:42,800 Actually, sorry, you know what? Can we just... 832 00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:46,320 [SIGHS] 833 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:50,320 This is a story about a little girl who was told 834 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:56,200 the best thing you can do in life is lower your expectations, narrow your horizons. 835 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:58,480 That way, you’ll never be disappointed. 836 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:02,080 She was told there are women out there who can make a difference, 837 00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:06,000 who can make a mark, but you’re not one of them. 838 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,800 Well, that little girl was me. 839 00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:14,200 Many things happened in my life, one of which was bumping into Alan. 840 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:17,440 But the real change happened after. 841 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:19,320 [LAUGHTER] 842 00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:22,120 You see, it was only when I started reading 843 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:25,720 that I realised that the wisdom that helps us achieve serenity 844 00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:27,600 has been there for millennia. 845 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:29,560 Take a look for yourself. 846 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:30,920 [LAUGHTER] 847 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,120 Pick anyone great thinker you like. 848 00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:38,880 From Confucius to Socrates, to Plato, to Jesus Christ. 849 00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:40,800 Hi. 850 00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:45,080 - But, what do most self-help gurus do? - She’s got ants in her pants, this one. 851 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:49,760 They repackage the same fundamental truths as new ideas. 852 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:53,400 Worse, they overcomplicate what should be a simple set of principles, 853 00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:55,640 forever telling us to ask ourselves, 854 00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:58,480 ‘Why am I not happy? Why am I not successful?’ 855 00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:03,040 But are these even the questions we should be asking? 856 00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:04,720 I think they are. Yes. 857 00:41:04,720 --> 00:41:05,680 [LAUGHTER] 858 00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,560 That’s very interesting. In what way? 859 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:13,200 Well... ah... um... 860 00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:17,320 - Because I don’t think they are. - Fucking hell. 861 00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:18,920 [LAUGHTER] 862 00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:21,440 I think that there’s a different approach. 863 00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,800 Because you know what really defines your success? 864 00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:27,080 Who you know. 865 00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:30,720 [LAUGHTER] 866 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:34,720 Imagination. 867 00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,360 [PAINED GRUNT] 868 00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,120 [LAUGHTER] 869 00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:41,920 That’s better. Better, yes. 870 00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,840 - Shall we sit on the chairs? - Yes. 871 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:46,680 Fucking hell. Jesus. 872 00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:48,040 [GROANS] 873 00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:49,240 That was a great story. 874 00:41:49,240 --> 00:41:49,840 Thank you. 875 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:51,640 And one more thing I’d like to add, if I may? 876 00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:52,600 Na. 877 00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:56,760 Why don’t you park your posterior there for a jiffy 878 00:41:56,760 --> 00:42:01,960 while I invite my audience to enjoy some of my relaxation techniques with me? 879 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:03,560 [JEANETTE SNIGGERS] 880 00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:07,240 [ALAN HYPNOTIC VOICE] Listen to the sound of my voice. 881 00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:11,600 Let your head lull forward like a big bowling ball. 882 00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:15,760 Inhale and exhale nice deep breaths. 883 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,320 ALAN: Not too many though. 884 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:20,480 Take as many as you need. 885 00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:22,800 Within reason. 886 00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:26,160 No such thing as too much breathing. 887 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,840 I once hyperventilated blowing up an airbed, 888 00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,760 so there definitely is. 889 00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:38,200 If you’d feel more comfortable, slip off your shoes. 890 00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:42,040 Don’t do that. The arena will stink. 891 00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:46,640 And with eyes now closed, come with me. 892 00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:49,280 Come to the sound of the sea. 893 00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:55,000 You’re on a sailing boat, far from land, perfect conditions. 894 00:42:55,280 --> 00:42:58,080 Sunshine, not a breath of wind. 895 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:00,720 Maybe a nice breeze. 896 00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:04,680 Or maybe just perfect stillness. 897 00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:08,120 You need some wind to propel the boat. 898 00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:11,080 That’s how sailing works. 899 00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:17,480 It’s physics, and pretty basic physics at that. 900 00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:19,880 You’re just threatened 901 00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:24,760 because a woman knows more about improving people’s lives than you do. 902 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:26,680 That’s bollocks. 903 00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:27,560 [LAUGHTER] 904 00:43:27,720 --> 00:43:30,920 - It’s not bollocks. - It is bollocks. 905 00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:34,960 Your attempts to stay relevant are truly pitiful. 906 00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:38,880 I knew you had a nasty streak from the moment I met you. 907 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:41,440 Never call me again. 908 00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:43,080 Don’t worry, I’ll delete you. 909 00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:45,160 In fact, I’m doing it now. 910 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:49,800 Contacts, Mousey Jeanette deleted. 911 00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:51,680 And withdraw Jeanette. 912 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,600 [LAUGHTER] 913 00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:55,400 JEANETTE: Your dancers think you’re a dick. 914 00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,480 [LAUGHTER] 915 00:43:57,800 --> 00:43:59,160 So, there you have it. 916 00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:04,120 Stratagem helps you achieve things you never dreamt possible. 917 00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:07,320 For example, I’m not really a composer. 918 00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,480 I might hum the odd tune I’ve made up, 919 00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:15,960 but one day, I was in Richer Sounds and the salesman heard me humming. 920 00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:18,600 And he said, “You should turn that into a song.” 921 00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:20,240 I said, “Ooh, do you like it?” 922 00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:24,040 He said, “It’s one of the best tunes I’ve ever heard in my life.” 923 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:25,280 [LAUGHTER] 924 00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:29,240 Well, an hour later, I left with a new song we composed together, 925 00:44:29,240 --> 00:44:35,200 and a brand new Yamaha SX900 keyboard reduced from £1500 to £1299. 926 00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:39,880 As long as I took the £100 three year warranty which I was very happy to do. 927 00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:43,680 Because he said, “Alan, the best way to cheer yourself up 928 00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:46,080 is to surround yourself with music, 929 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:48,600 which you can only do with a surround sound system,” 930 00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:52,520 which I was also very happy to buy for a further £1195. 931 00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:56,160 The upshot was this song. 932 00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:59,080 It’s a song about a woman who made me laugh my head off 933 00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:00,800 from the first day we met. 934 00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:03,480 She made me laugh more than any time 935 00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:07,360 since I saw Noel Edmonds spill wine on Princess Anne’s back. 936 00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:09,160 [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYS] 937 00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,520 It’s about how laughter really is the best medicine, 938 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,760 and it’s called the Laughter of Love. 939 00:45:15,520 --> 00:45:18,680 ♪ I met her walking around Cheddar Gorge ♪ 940 00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:23,840 ♪ I couldn’t help myself, I said, “By George, you’re cheddar gorgeous” ♪ 941 00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,640 ♪ Then I felt slightly uneasy ♪ 942 00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:33,880 ♪ But she smiled and replied, “That’s a bit cheesy ” ♪ 943 00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,440 ♪ I said, “Alright, I’ll tread carefully” ♪ 944 00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:39,960 ♪ She said, “Aren’t you that bloke who’s on TV?” ♪ 945 00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:43,920 ♪ “Guilty as charged,” I answered, “Yes, it’s me” ♪ 946 00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:47,320 ♪ She said, “My name’s Virginia. Virgin for short” ♪ 947 00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:51,160 ♪ I quipped, but not for long ♪ 948 00:45:52,520 --> 00:45:55,520 ♪ Then I worried, was that too strong? ♪ 949 00:45:56,560 --> 00:46:00,480 ♪ But she just giggled, “Ooh, you’re daft” ♪ 950 00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:04,400 ♪ Then she threw back her head and laughed ♪ 951 00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:09,440 ♪ And she went, “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 952 00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:12,840 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 953 00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:18,080 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha” ♪ 954 00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:22,280 ♪ It was the laughter of love ♪ 955 00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:26,680 ♪ She asked, “So what’re we gonna do for thrills?” ♪ 956 00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:30,520 ♪ I said, “I’ll take you up the Mendip Hills” ♪ 957 00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:32,720 ♪ She said, “I’ve never heard it called that before” ♪ 958 00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:35,240 ♪ I said, “No, it’s a beauty spot" ♪ 959 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:43,000 ♪ Then it dawned, she was being flirty but without being smutty or dirty ♪ 960 00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:46,120 ♪ She said, “You must feel a right tit” ♪ 961 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,680 ♪ I said, “Don’t tempt me” ♪ 962 00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,480 ♪ She said, “Well, perhaps in a bit” ♪ 963 00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:56,240 ♪ While I went, “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 964 00:46:56,240 --> 00:46:59,760 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 965 00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:06,240 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha" ♪ 966 00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:12,360 ♪ And we went, “He he he he he, he he he he he” ♪ 967 00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:16,440 ♪ It was the laughter of love ♪ 968 00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:21,400 ♪ Though the years went by, we drifted apart ♪ 969 00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:25,040 ♪ She kept a special place in my heart ♪ 970 00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:27,880 ♪ Until I read the news one day ♪ 971 00:47:29,160 --> 00:47:32,280 ♪ Sadly, Virginia had passed away ♪ 972 00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:37,240 ♪ And so, not far from Cheddar’s caves ♪ 973 00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:40,720 ♪ I found her name there among the graves ♪ 974 00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:42,640 ♪ I broke down ♪ 975 00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:47,040 ♪ We never even slept together, just spooned in our underpants ♪ 976 00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,720 ♪ On her grave, I left a gift I brought her ♪ 977 00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:55,280 ♪ A plastic rose that squirted water ♪ 978 00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:56,640 ♪ She’d have loved that ♪ 979 00:47:57,160 --> 00:48:00,720 ♪ As I sadly walked from that hallowed ground, wait... ♪ 980 00:48:00,720 --> 00:48:03,800 ♪ I heard a family sound and it went ♪ 981 00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:10,800 ♪ “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha” ♪ 982 00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:12,840 ♪ She was laughing in heaven ♪ 983 00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:17,080 ♪ I went “Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 984 00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:21,040 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 985 00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:27,400 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha” ♪ 986 00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:31,800 ♪ And we went, He he he he he, he he he he he ♪ 987 00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:34,680 ♪ He he he he he, he he he he he” ♪ 988 00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:40,680 ♪ We went, “Ho ho ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho ho” ♪ 989 00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:48,240 ♪ It was the laughter of love ♪ 990 00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:50,920 You’ve got twenty minutes. 991 00:48:51,560 --> 00:48:54,760 [APPLAUSE] 992 00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:02,480 [MUSIC] 993 00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:17,840 [MUSIC] 994 00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:37,920 VOICE OF THE GODS: Ladies and gentlemen, 995 00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:40,920 please welcome back to the stage Alan Partridge, 996 00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:44,600 AKA, Dr Alan Gordon Partridge. 997 00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:47,120 [APPLAUSE] 998 00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:50,600 Welcome back! You’re watching Alan Partridge live! 999 00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:52,480 ALAN: Aha! 1000 00:49:52,480 --> 00:49:53,520 Oh no, you're not. 1001 00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:56,120 The pictures you see on the screen are pre-recorded. 1002 00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:58,760 And the person on stage isn’t even me. 1003 00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,520 See? We’re doing completely different gestures 1004 00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:04,400 and Bradley has those airport ping-pong bat things in his hands – 1005 00:50:04,640 --> 00:50:06,480 and I have not! 1006 00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:07,760 [LAUGHTER] 1007 00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:09,240 So where am I really? 1008 00:50:09,680 --> 00:50:11,560 Could this bearded man be me? 1009 00:50:11,560 --> 00:50:16,280 Is it Alan Partridge in disguise or a bearded millennial who likes craft beer? 1010 00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:18,560 Neither! It’s a female dancer. 1011 00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:20,400 Fooled again! 1012 00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,120 So, where am I? 1013 00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:27,080 I’m here, backstage, being flanked by these two fine fillies. 1014 00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:31,320 Believe me, these aren’t show ponies, these are thoroughbreds. 1015 00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:34,600 So let’s get started FOR REAL! 1016 00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:35,640 Come on girls. 1017 00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:37,080 Hyah! 1018 00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:40,640 [MUSIC] 1019 00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:42,680 [LAUGHTER] 1020 00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:45,680 Yep! That’s not me either! 1021 00:50:45,680 --> 00:50:47,400 You see, I can’t do flips. 1022 00:50:47,720 --> 00:50:49,120 Why? Simple! 1023 00:50:49,120 --> 00:50:52,120 I have two fused vertebrae at the top of my spine. 1024 00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:55,200 If I tried to flip, I’d snap my back. 1025 00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:57,480 So where could I be? 1026 00:50:57,760 --> 00:51:01,160 Well, the eagle-eyed amongst you may have spotted the pair of shoes, 1027 00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:03,320 sticking out from under the curtain? 1028 00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:05,840 That’s not me either! 1029 00:51:05,840 --> 00:51:11,040 That’s a pair of shoes worn by two plastic legs I found in a skip. 1030 00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:13,720 But you’re getting warmer. 1031 00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:15,800 I am on stage, for all to see. 1032 00:51:16,080 --> 00:51:19,480 Ladies and gentlemen, do not be alarmed. 1033 00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:23,520 Simply welcome the man who’s been leading tonight’s proceedings. 1034 00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:25,440 The host. 1035 00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:27,040 The chairman. 1036 00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:29,000 The CHAIR man. 1037 00:51:30,040 --> 00:51:32,440 A-armchair! 1038 00:51:32,760 --> 00:51:35,760 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 1039 00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:47,760 Why am I disguised as an armchair? 1040 00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:51,920 I’m making a point. 1041 00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:55,280 What? I look like a leather Transformer? 1042 00:51:55,280 --> 00:51:56,360 [LAUGHTER] 1043 00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:58,840 The whole show’s about transformation, dickhead. Keep up. 1044 00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:00,400 [LAUGHTER] 1045 00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:06,880 I’m making the point that with Stratagem, you can be whatever you want to be. 1046 00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:12,760 There’s a guy at my rackets club, a real smart Alec, 1047 00:52:12,760 --> 00:52:14,640 you know, like Dirty Dilbert down there. 1048 00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:19,160 Yeah, and a real smart Alec, this guy and he’s not even that important. 1049 00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:20,680 I think he’s a pediatrician! 1050 00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:22,800 [LAUGHTER] 1051 00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,480 He said, ‘Be whatever you want to be, Alan.’ 1052 00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:28,480 ‘What, even a chair?' I’d like to see that. 1053 00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:30,640 You know, trying to make me look stupid. 1054 00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:33,080 Well, who looks stupid now? 1055 00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:34,720 [LAUGHTER] 1056 00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:35,680 Exactly. 1057 00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:37,080 Assemble, ensemble. 1058 00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:38,160 Disassemble. 1059 00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:42,520 I feel like I’m being arrested for impersonating an armchair, 1060 00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:44,480 to get women to sit on me. 1061 00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:46,440 [LAUGHTER] 1062 00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:49,800 Not something I would ever do, nor have I ever thought of. 1063 00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:51,200 [LAUGHTER] 1064 00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:52,560 Thank you, Natori. 1065 00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:54,280 Thank you, Aischa. 1066 00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:56,360 Yes, the clip-on tie. 1067 00:52:56,880 --> 00:52:58,880 Very good. Police officers wear these clip-on ties 1068 00:52:58,880 --> 00:53:02,320 to stop themselves being strangled by an assailant. 1069 00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:05,600 And I wear one for exactly the same reason. 1070 00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:06,760 [LAUGHTER] 1071 00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:10,880 After I nearly died chairing a steward’s enquiry at a donkey derby. 1072 00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:13,520 It got out of hand. Yeah. 1073 00:53:13,840 --> 00:53:15,280 Anyway, thanks ensemble. 1074 00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:16,880 You guys having a nice time, yeah? 1075 00:53:16,880 --> 00:53:17,720 Yeah, yeah? 1076 00:53:17,720 --> 00:53:19,760 Good, great. Yeah, yeah. Cool cats. 1077 00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:21,520 Cool cats. Yeah. 1078 00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:24,080 And I’m one of them, and I’m feline gooood! 1079 00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:27,920 Yeah, you know when we hang out, it’s not really like work, is it? 1080 00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:32,040 It’s just like you’re just hanging out with me, for a fee. 1081 00:53:32,360 --> 00:53:33,560 [LAUGHTER] 1082 00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:34,920 Natori, where you from? 1083 00:53:35,240 --> 00:53:36,560 Tell us about yourself. 1084 00:53:36,560 --> 00:53:37,760 I’m from Lincoln. 1085 00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:39,480 Lincoln! Ah, interesting. Lincoln. 1086 00:53:39,480 --> 00:53:42,920 I was actually invited to the reopening of Lincoln cathedral. 1087 00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:45,360 Yeah, architecture, boom! 1088 00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:48,400 Yeah. Is that where you live now? 1089 00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:50,720 No, I live in Hackney, with Aischa. 1090 00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:52,360 Right, you’re flat mates? 1091 00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:53,400 We are a couple. 1092 00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:55,640 Cool. 1093 00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:57,680 [LAUGHTER] 1094 00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:00,200 Lincoln Cathedral... 1095 00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:02,320 [LAUGHTER] 1096 00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:07,120 Has a main tower, and inside that tower is a bell called Great Tom 1097 00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:09,480 which is actually louder than Big Ben. 1098 00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:12,960 Yeah, and I didn’t even know Lesbian had a cathedral. 1099 00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:15,840 [LAUGHTER] 1100 00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:23,240 Anyway, yeah, these guys used to be known as Shebang 1101 00:54:23,240 --> 00:54:27,080 but I revamped them, renamed them and they’re now known as Pizzaz! 1102 00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:29,480 [LAUGHTER] 1103 00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:31,960 I said it’s a Z on the end, for Christ’s sakes. 1104 00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:33,120 Okay, off you go, guys. 1105 00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:35,960 Yeah, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, I can’t afford to do... yeah, hop it. 1106 00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:38,760 You can fist each other backstage. 1107 00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:41,360 Sorry. Sorry... 1108 00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:44,480 Sorry, do you know, I love that gang. 1109 00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:47,480 Sometimes after the show, we’ll go and get a bite. 1110 00:54:47,480 --> 00:54:49,840 I’ll take them for dinner and sometimes they’ll say 1111 00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:51,720 ‘Could you give us the money instead?’ 1112 00:54:52,120 --> 00:54:53,160 [LAUGHTER] 1113 00:54:53,160 --> 00:54:58,040 I’ll say, ‘Yeah, cool,’ and then two lads will walk me to a cash machine. 1114 00:54:59,960 --> 00:55:02,080 I’ll give them the three hundred quid, they’ll count it out 1115 00:55:02,080 --> 00:55:03,920 and then they let me go on my merry way. 1116 00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:05,800 It’s cool, it’s cool, it’s good. 1117 00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:07,200 Yeah, I think it’s good. Yeah. 1118 00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:09,840 Oh, I almost forgot, Ted, our lighting guy! 1119 00:55:10,160 --> 00:55:11,360 You alright there, Ted? 1120 00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:13,440 Yeah. 1121 00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:14,520 We’ve got this system going. 1122 00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:16,960 One flash for ‘yes’, two for ‘no’, haven’t we? 1123 00:55:17,920 --> 00:55:21,880 Yeah. Would you call it a sort of a binary morse code? 1124 00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:25,520 [LAUGHTER] 1125 00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:27,960 Yeah, he’s always disagreeing with me, this one. 1126 00:55:27,960 --> 00:55:31,160 I call him Flash Ted, but you don’t like that either, do you? 1127 00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:35,160 We have a laugh, yeah. 1128 00:55:35,480 --> 00:55:37,000 Do you fancy a drink later? 1129 00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:41,080 [LAUGHTER] 1130 00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:43,240 Ted? Pint? 1131 00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:46,640 Yeah, yeah. Good, yeah. 1132 00:55:46,640 --> 00:55:48,680 Yeah, he’s always trying to eff with my mind. 1133 00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:50,160 Yeah, which he does pretty successfully. 1134 00:55:50,160 --> 00:55:51,240 Hyah! 1135 00:55:51,240 --> 00:55:52,480 Ouch! 1136 00:55:53,240 --> 00:55:57,560 And a big thank you to everyone who stayed to watch my photo tribute to Seldom, 1137 00:55:57,560 --> 00:56:00,040 my deceased canine companion. 1138 00:56:00,040 --> 00:56:02,200 Yeah. My big dead doggy. 1139 00:56:02,200 --> 00:56:04,360 Yeah, he was a handsome fella. 1140 00:56:04,360 --> 00:56:06,720 I noticed a group of men in their twenties 1141 00:56:06,720 --> 00:56:08,520 who seemed to find the whole thing very amusing. 1142 00:56:08,520 --> 00:56:12,280 Yeah. Yeah, shame on you, shame on you. 1143 00:56:12,600 --> 00:56:16,640 I hope you grow attached to a big dog who dies and you get sad at night. 1144 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:19,720 [LAUGHTER] 1145 00:56:20,440 --> 00:56:22,080 This is still my favourite picture of him. 1146 00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:27,160 He had a heart of gold but he did not like weak people. 1147 00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:28,920 [LAUGHTER] 1148 00:56:29,120 --> 00:56:33,640 He liked nothing better than to ride round in a van staring people out. 1149 00:56:34,400 --> 00:56:36,040 [LAUGHTER] 1150 00:56:36,320 --> 00:56:39,200 This was taken the day my friend’s Spaniel went missing 1151 00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:41,640 and my friend accused Seldom of eating him. 1152 00:56:42,720 --> 00:56:44,680 I mean, scurrilous. 1153 00:56:44,680 --> 00:56:47,680 You know, they apologised, of course, because there was no proof. 1154 00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:51,160 Although the next day, I did find some teeth in his shit. 1155 00:56:51,640 --> 00:56:53,680 But on with the show. Silhouette sting. 1156 00:56:54,000 --> 00:57:00,280 [AFRICAN RAP MUSIC] 1157 00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:03,880 [LAUGHTER] 1158 00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:06,400 Welcome to the second half of Stratagem. 1159 00:57:06,720 --> 00:57:09,480 At the end of which we’ll bring together everything we’ve learned 1160 00:57:09,480 --> 00:57:13,160 in a medley of inspirational eighties power ballads. 1161 00:57:13,520 --> 00:57:14,360 Yeah... 1162 00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:16,520 Combining love and education. 1163 00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:19,400 Not often you see those two things together. 1164 00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:22,960 Unless you fall in love with your maths teacher. 1165 00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:25,760 Or they fall in love with you. 1166 00:57:28,840 --> 00:57:30,440 [LAUGHTER] 1167 00:57:30,440 --> 00:57:31,760 I wonder where he is now... 1168 00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:34,080 [LAUGHTER] 1169 00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:36,560 Bet you can’t catch me. 1170 00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:39,320 [LAUGHTER] 1171 00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:40,800 Different times. 1172 00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:42,600 Different times. 1173 00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:46,160 So, what is Stratagem? Let’s break it down. 1174 00:57:46,360 --> 00:57:50,440 It’s a strategy or STRAT that will turn you into A GEM. 1175 00:57:52,360 --> 00:57:54,520 Because deep down you’re all gems. 1176 00:57:54,520 --> 00:57:56,880 I mean, I can see a lot of ladies here on the front row. 1177 00:57:56,880 --> 00:58:00,680 I can see sapphires, rubies, emeralds... you know. 1178 00:58:00,680 --> 00:58:03,200 No diamonds but this is East London so that would be silly. 1179 00:58:04,920 --> 00:58:06,320 But yeah amber, topaz. 1180 00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,920 I can see a lot of semi-precious people. 1181 00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:10,480 [LAUGHTER] 1182 00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:13,600 But it’s also a way to Get Smarter... 1183 00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:15,280 [LAUGHTER] 1184 00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:19,480 On the outside and the inside, but it’s more important to on the inside. 1185 00:58:19,480 --> 00:58:22,800 Some people are ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside. 1186 00:58:23,120 --> 00:58:27,240 The elephant man, for example, ugly on the outside, beautiful on the inside. 1187 00:58:27,840 --> 00:58:30,960 But with someone like Priti Patel, it’s the other way round. 1188 00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:35,720 Then of course, there is Stag Tamer. 1189 00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:40,800 Yeah. We’re all familiar with the phrase, ‘Tame the stag within you.’ 1190 00:58:41,720 --> 00:58:43,520 It means tackling your problems head on, 1191 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:48,880 grabbing it by the antlers, staring it in the face and saying, ‘Calm down, deer.’ 1192 00:58:49,560 --> 00:58:50,720 Clever. 1193 00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:54,280 And for a bit of fun, finally, MEGA TARTS! 1194 00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:56,080 [LAUGHTER] 1195 00:58:56,480 --> 00:58:58,760 Which I was appalled to discover 1196 00:58:58,760 --> 00:59:01,960 is the name of a nightclub for the over forties in High Wycombe. 1197 00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:03,880 [LAUGHTER] 1198 00:59:04,600 --> 00:59:06,440 Vulgar, tawdry place. 1199 00:59:07,040 --> 00:59:12,640 I mean, I stayed for one drink, had a very quick wee and left. 1200 00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:14,440 Brrr! 1201 00:59:14,840 --> 00:59:16,720 Sorry, just remembering the wee. 1202 00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:17,800 [CLEARS THROAT] 1203 00:59:18,360 --> 00:59:21,640 So, this is Stratagem in essence. 1204 00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:27,200 So, very simply, Start, Turn up, Ready, Atonement, 1205 00:59:27,200 --> 00:59:28,960 Take a look in the mirror, Allegory, 1206 00:59:28,960 --> 00:59:32,440 Going solo, Eggs eggs eggs (self explanatory), 1207 00:59:34,360 --> 00:59:36,040 Me 2.0. 1208 00:59:36,840 --> 00:59:43,960 So, for the full experience, you can book now for our biannual Stratagem retreat, 1209 00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:46,640 where we spend an exciting weekend in Wales, 1210 00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:49,320 trying to track down its dampest valley. 1211 00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:50,680 [LAUGHTER] 1212 00:59:50,920 --> 00:59:52,920 Last year, it was a raging success. 1213 00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:58,280 Eight happier divorcees you will not meet. 1214 01:00:00,320 --> 01:00:03,080 Got some feedback from the attendees. 1215 01:00:04,440 --> 01:00:07,160 Great texts from some of the guys that were on there. 1216 01:00:07,640 --> 01:00:09,760 ‘That was a staggering weekend’, 1217 01:00:10,160 --> 01:00:12,120 ‘I will never forget that weekend’, 1218 01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:13,920 ‘Unbelievable weekend’, 1219 01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:17,640 ‘Can someone come and find me, I’ve broken my leg and I don’t know where I am.’ 1220 01:00:17,640 --> 01:00:19,200 Right, I’ve just seen this. 1221 01:00:20,400 --> 01:00:22,520 Okay, they found her and she’s okay? 1222 01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:24,840 Okay. Right. 1223 01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:26,920 But she can walk? 1224 01:00:28,400 --> 01:00:32,360 Alright. Okay, well, tell her she’ll get free parking. 1225 01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:34,520 [LAUGHTER] 1226 01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:39,480 So, let’s talk Stratagem and take the nine stages in order. 1227 01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:41,360 Start - done that. 1228 01:00:43,080 --> 01:00:45,000 Turn up - you have. 1229 01:00:45,920 --> 01:00:47,760 Ready? Just a bit! 1230 01:00:48,840 --> 01:00:49,840 Wow, we’re getting through these 1231 01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:52,280 faster than Eamon Holmes gets through a free buffet. 1232 01:00:52,760 --> 01:00:53,840 [LAUGHTER] 1233 01:00:53,840 --> 01:00:58,000 We’re already at stage four - A for Atonement. 1234 01:00:58,320 --> 01:01:02,280 It means if you upset someone, fix it. 1235 01:01:02,800 --> 01:01:05,640 Even if she, or he... 1236 01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:08,640 is being pathetic. 1237 01:01:08,880 --> 01:01:10,400 [LAUGHTER] 1238 01:01:11,880 --> 01:01:17,080 For example, in 2019, I upset an Irishman on my BBC television show. 1239 01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:21,400 We’d asked for Alan Partridge lookalikes to get in touch 1240 01:01:21,800 --> 01:01:24,320 and received quite a few responses. 1241 01:01:24,760 --> 01:01:28,320 There was a humble Afghan shepherd called Zahir. 1242 01:01:28,720 --> 01:01:33,400 [LAUGHTER] 1243 01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:38,560 Cracking chap. 1244 01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:41,160 He had some fantastic stories. 1245 01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:47,120 Hilarious anecdotes about hand-to-hand combat in the caves of Tora Bora. 1246 01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:51,320 I was really looking forward to meeting him in the studio 1247 01:01:51,320 --> 01:01:54,360 but he’s gone to ground and his whereabouts are unknown. 1248 01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:55,520 [LAUGHTER] 1249 01:01:55,520 --> 01:02:00,800 Then, I was all set to interview Joan Ballaby, a pretty butcher from Derby. 1250 01:02:01,120 --> 01:02:03,040 [LAUGHTER] 1251 01:02:04,400 --> 01:02:06,160 We unwisely dated... 1252 01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:08,480 [LAUGHTER] 1253 01:02:09,080 --> 01:02:13,680 Kissing was weird, things turned sour, she changed her mind. 1254 01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:19,200 But the person selected to come on the show was Irishman, Martin Brennan. 1255 01:02:19,680 --> 01:02:21,960 [CHEERS] 1256 01:02:22,840 --> 01:02:27,400 Sadly things went awry when he began to sing uninvited – 1257 01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,080 as many Irish people do – 1258 01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:33,360 about Ireland’s difficult past. 1259 01:02:34,880 --> 01:02:38,200 It set tongues wagging with BBC top brass left red faced 1260 01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:40,120 by Partridge primetime bungle. 1261 01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:45,000 I was rude to him and today I plan to atone 1262 01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:48,040 through the power of poetry and the penny whistle. 1263 01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:51,880 Joining us via Zoom all the way from County Sligo 1264 01:02:51,880 --> 01:02:55,160 in the Republic of Southern Ireland, my friend, and farmer, Martin Brennan. 1265 01:02:55,600 --> 01:02:57,120 [APPLAUSE] 1266 01:02:57,320 --> 01:02:58,360 Martin? 1267 01:02:58,720 --> 01:03:01,160 MARTIN: ...He'll have the money out your hand 1268 01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:03,760 and in his pocket before you close your fist. 1269 01:03:04,040 --> 01:03:05,040 [LAUGHTER] 1270 01:03:05,040 --> 01:03:06,680 Martin, hello? 1271 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:07,880 MARTIN: Who said that? 1272 01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:09,000 SHEILA: There’s a man. 1273 01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:11,000 Hello, Martin? 1274 01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:13,440 - He's here. - Thanks for joining us. 1275 01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:15,320 - Martin, can you hear me? - There he is. 1276 01:03:15,320 --> 01:03:17,280 My god Sheila, look at the fucking state of him. 1277 01:03:17,600 --> 01:03:20,560 - Martin, can you hear me? - I can. 1278 01:03:20,560 --> 01:03:22,640 Well, your camera is too high. 1279 01:03:22,640 --> 01:03:24,240 - You need to adjust... - Hang on while I shift it. 1280 01:03:24,240 --> 01:03:25,400 Okay. Right. 1281 01:03:25,400 --> 01:03:26,600 Great. 1282 01:03:27,720 --> 01:03:30,760 Alright, it’s too low now. It’s too low. 1283 01:03:30,760 --> 01:03:33,480 - Jesus man, make your fucking mind up. - Watch your tongue. 1284 01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:37,680 It's not me. It's Alec Partridge. 1285 01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:38,920 There you are, stay there. 1286 01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:41,440 Martin, just stay... Martin, there you are. 1287 01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:43,520 Martin, I’ve got to say, you're looking very well. 1288 01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:47,120 I'm fit as a fiddle and you're not looking so bad yourself. 1289 01:03:47,120 --> 01:03:48,160 Thank you. 1290 01:03:48,160 --> 01:03:49,200 You're awful smart. 1291 01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:51,520 - Yes, thank you. I try my best. - How much you pay for your jacket? 1292 01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:54,640 Oh. I get it free from Burtons. 1293 01:03:55,080 --> 01:03:58,120 You hear that? Your man gets all his clothes for free. 1294 01:03:58,440 --> 01:04:02,840 It's because... well let me see, have you heard of a brand ambassador? 1295 01:04:04,560 --> 01:04:06,560 Do we know a Brendan Bassador? 1296 01:04:06,560 --> 01:04:07,600 [LAUGHTER] 1297 01:04:07,600 --> 01:04:09,080 Brendan Bassador? 1298 01:04:10,320 --> 01:04:12,600 SHEILA: Is he a friend of Pat McGarry's? 1299 01:04:12,600 --> 01:04:14,280 Will he be a teacher at St Joseph's? 1300 01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:17,000 - I know the name... - Right, okay. 1301 01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:20,920 Now, Martin, I wanted to thank you for accepting my apology. 1302 01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:27,440 Now, you paid me 650 euros to come on your show and I shook your hand. 1303 01:04:27,440 --> 01:04:29,040 So there we are now. 1304 01:04:29,320 --> 01:04:30,320 Okay, alright. 1305 01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:32,840 Well, I believe they’ve put you up in a nice hotel and everything’s all... 1306 01:04:32,840 --> 01:04:35,600 It's not too bad. We're having a grand time. 1307 01:04:35,600 --> 01:04:37,680 I've not put my hand in my pocket since I left. 1308 01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:38,840 Great, good. 1309 01:04:38,840 --> 01:04:40,840 Well, do treat yourself to dinner, please. 1310 01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:42,280 SHEILA: We've had our dinner. 1311 01:04:43,440 --> 01:04:46,920 - A meal then. Please. - SHEILA: Tell him. 1312 01:04:46,920 --> 01:04:48,640 Just do treat yourself, treat the family. 1313 01:04:48,640 --> 01:04:50,040 You mustn't trouble yourself. 1314 01:04:50,040 --> 01:04:51,400 Well, I insist. 1315 01:04:51,400 --> 01:04:52,960 Well now, you’re a good man. 1316 01:04:52,960 --> 01:04:54,320 Great. Thank you. 1317 01:04:54,320 --> 01:04:57,320 Now, I’ve written a poem that I’d like to read to you 1318 01:04:57,320 --> 01:04:59,280 and all the good people of Ireland. 1319 01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:01,360 And you'll pay for dinner for the family? 1320 01:05:02,400 --> 01:05:03,320 Happy to. 1321 01:05:03,320 --> 01:05:04,000 There’s a few of us. 1322 01:05:04,400 --> 01:05:05,960 - How many? - Eight. 1323 01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:08,880 - Eight. Okay, well that’s fine. - Last count. Plus me. 1324 01:05:09,080 --> 01:05:11,440 - Right, so nine. - Plus the wife. 1325 01:05:11,960 --> 01:05:14,600 Okay, so you want dinner for ten... for ten people, yeah? 1326 01:05:14,960 --> 01:05:16,120 - Okay. - I do. Yes. 1327 01:05:16,240 --> 01:05:17,800 - Alright. - Shall we say a dozen? 1328 01:05:18,320 --> 01:05:19,800 [LAUGHTER] 1329 01:05:19,800 --> 01:05:21,560 - Alright, a dozen. - Plus me. 1330 01:05:22,040 --> 01:05:24,160 What, so thirteen? Thirteen? 1331 01:05:24,160 --> 01:05:27,240 They say thirteen’s unlucky, I’d sooner make it fourteen. 1332 01:05:27,240 --> 01:05:28,320 [LAUGHTER] 1333 01:05:28,320 --> 01:05:30,760 - Okay, alright. Okay. - Plus me. 1334 01:05:31,800 --> 01:05:33,480 What? That’s fifteen? 1335 01:05:33,480 --> 01:05:34,880 Sixteen with the wife. 1336 01:05:35,200 --> 01:05:36,240 [LAUGHTER] 1337 01:05:36,240 --> 01:05:38,400 - Sixteen people? That’s quite a lot. - They’re all family. 1338 01:05:38,400 --> 01:05:40,960 - Yeah, but not immediate family. - They are. 1339 01:05:41,400 --> 01:05:43,760 - That’s quite a lot for a family. - It’s not. 1340 01:05:44,280 --> 01:05:45,320 Ah yes, of course, you’re Irish. 1341 01:05:46,120 --> 01:05:49,200 I’d invite you as well, Alan but it's private. 1342 01:05:49,200 --> 01:05:54,720 Just myself, Sheila, Kevin, Aiden, Declan, Brendan, Clare, Siobhan, Declan... 1343 01:05:54,720 --> 01:05:56,520 - You said Declan twice. - We have two. 1344 01:05:56,520 --> 01:05:57,320 [LAUGHTER] 1345 01:05:57,320 --> 01:06:01,520 Kathleen, Maimi, Jonny, Paddy, Janey, Bridie, Marian, Shane and Seamus. 1346 01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:04,120 Right. Isn’t that eighteen? 1347 01:06:04,120 --> 01:06:05,520 Did we not say eighteen? 1348 01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:06,520 [LAUGHTER] 1349 01:06:06,520 --> 01:06:09,160 - Eighteen’s fine. - Plus myself. 1350 01:06:09,920 --> 01:06:12,000 - And the wife. - Twenty it is. 1351 01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,440 You’ve twisted my arm. 1352 01:06:13,800 --> 01:06:15,760 They say in fact, there were twenty at the Last Supper, 1353 01:06:15,760 --> 01:06:17,360 you know, with the helpers and what-not. 1354 01:06:17,960 --> 01:06:20,000 Now, you have a poem. 1355 01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:24,240 Yes. It’s a poem that extends the hand of friendship from my nation to yours. 1356 01:06:24,240 --> 01:06:28,560 Ah, you’re wanting to build a bridge over the Irish Sea. 1357 01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:29,920 Exactly, yes. 1358 01:06:29,920 --> 01:06:30,880 A team effort. 1359 01:06:30,880 --> 01:06:33,320 I suppose we’d design it, and you guys’d provide the labour? 1360 01:06:33,320 --> 01:06:35,440 [LAUGHS] Ya cheeky cunt. 1361 01:06:35,760 --> 01:06:37,760 [LAUGHTER] 1362 01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:39,720 So to the poem. 1363 01:06:40,760 --> 01:06:43,920 While I read the poem, I'll be accompanied by Lizzie who is an exquisite flautist 1364 01:06:43,920 --> 01:06:45,600 whose flawless flouting is fraught with thought. 1365 01:06:45,600 --> 01:06:47,040 Colleen plays the flute. 1366 01:06:47,040 --> 01:06:47,920 She does. 1367 01:06:47,920 --> 01:06:50,480 Well now, if you play half as well as you look, 1368 01:06:50,480 --> 01:06:52,600 you’ll have a fine tune coming out of your whistle. 1369 01:06:53,800 --> 01:06:55,320 Thank him. 1370 01:06:55,320 --> 01:06:57,080 - Thank you. - Smile. 1371 01:06:57,520 --> 01:06:58,800 [LAUGHTER] 1372 01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:00,120 Okay, so to the poem. 1373 01:07:00,920 --> 01:07:04,160 It’s a poem entitled, ‘Tis Ireland,’ by me, Alan Partridge, 1374 01:07:04,160 --> 01:07:06,440 and if you’re ready, we’ll begin. 1375 01:07:07,760 --> 01:07:09,920 Martin, oh Martin... 1376 01:07:10,680 --> 01:07:11,880 MARTIN: What? 1377 01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:13,960 No, this is the poem. 1378 01:07:14,400 --> 01:07:15,600 - Martin. - [FLUTE PLAYS] 1379 01:07:15,600 --> 01:07:16,560 SHEILA: Answer him. 1380 01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:19,080 Martin, oh Martin, 1381 01:07:19,080 --> 01:07:20,720 From a land steeped in myth 1382 01:07:21,040 --> 01:07:22,640 Be my friend, be my brother 1383 01:07:22,640 --> 01:07:24,280 Be my kin, be my kith 1384 01:07:24,760 --> 01:07:26,360 Oh island of wonder! 1385 01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:28,200 This hulk of green limestone 1386 01:07:28,200 --> 01:07:29,560 This emerald lump 1387 01:07:29,560 --> 01:07:30,800 This clover-clad clump 1388 01:07:31,080 --> 01:07:32,680 Whittled by wind 1389 01:07:32,680 --> 01:07:34,040 Clad by thick peat 1390 01:07:34,360 --> 01:07:36,480 Pounded by Irish dancing feet 1391 01:07:36,840 --> 01:07:38,400 Bearded by heather 1392 01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:39,680 Hirsute with clover 1393 01:07:39,960 --> 01:07:41,200 Though some of the nice bits 1394 01:07:41,200 --> 01:07:42,720 Are tarmacked over 1395 01:07:43,120 --> 01:07:44,520 [LAUGHTER] 1396 01:07:44,520 --> 01:07:45,800 Ravaged by gales 1397 01:07:45,800 --> 01:07:47,200 Surrounded by shales 1398 01:07:47,480 --> 01:07:48,960 Adjacent to Wales 1399 01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:50,520 A land of tall tales 1400 01:07:50,840 --> 01:07:52,360 Tis Ireland 1401 01:07:52,880 --> 01:07:55,560 A fiddle, a singer, a drum that thuds 1402 01:07:55,880 --> 01:07:58,680 Songs about war and that shortage of spuds 1403 01:07:59,640 --> 01:08:02,280 The warmest of welcomes, the craic of all Craics 1404 01:08:02,600 --> 01:08:05,120 Where businesses come to avoid paying tax 1405 01:08:06,320 --> 01:08:08,920 See a flame-haired girl who’d wink if you kissed her 1406 01:08:08,920 --> 01:08:10,000 Maybe one of the Corrs 1407 01:08:10,000 --> 01:08:11,240 Or a Nolan sister 1408 01:08:12,160 --> 01:08:14,440 [MARTIN PLAYS IRISH MUSIC LOUDLY] 1409 01:08:16,000 --> 01:08:17,800 Martin, that’s quite loud. 1410 01:08:17,800 --> 01:08:19,120 Martin! 1411 01:08:19,760 --> 01:08:21,120 It’s quite loud! 1412 01:08:21,920 --> 01:08:23,360 [IRISH MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY] 1413 01:08:23,360 --> 01:08:24,720 Martin? 1414 01:08:26,440 --> 01:08:29,280 [IRISH MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY] 1415 01:08:29,800 --> 01:08:32,680 [LAUGHTER] 1416 01:08:34,320 --> 01:08:36,920 [IRISH MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY] 1417 01:08:46,880 --> 01:08:50,400 [IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS] 1418 01:08:50,400 --> 01:08:52,160 ♪ If I had a wife, the plague of my life ♪ 1419 01:08:52,160 --> 01:08:54,000 ♪ I'll tell you what I would do ♪ 1420 01:08:54,000 --> 01:08:55,040 ♪ I'd buy her a boat ♪ 1421 01:08:55,040 --> 01:08:55,960 ♪ And set her afloat ♪ 1422 01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:57,560 ♪ And paddle my own canoe ♪ 1423 01:08:57,960 --> 01:08:59,800 ♪ If I had a wife, the plague of my life ♪ 1424 01:08:59,800 --> 01:09:01,440 ♪ I'll tell you what I would do ♪ 1425 01:09:01,800 --> 01:09:02,760 ♪ I'd buy her a boat ♪ 1426 01:09:02,760 --> 01:09:03,680 ♪ And set her afloat ♪ 1427 01:09:03,680 --> 01:09:05,320 ♪ And paddle my own canoe ♪ 1428 01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:06,800 [FLUTE PLAYS] 1429 01:09:07,160 --> 01:09:08,560 MARTIN: Colleen! 1430 01:09:09,000 --> 01:09:11,360 [FLUTE PLAYS] 1431 01:09:13,440 --> 01:09:14,360 MARTIN: Alan! 1432 01:09:15,720 --> 01:09:21,440 [FLUTE PLAYS BADLY] 1433 01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:28,560 MARTIN: Colleen! 1434 01:09:29,080 --> 01:09:34,240 [FLUTE PLAYS] 1435 01:09:35,080 --> 01:09:36,560 MARTIN: Alan! 1436 01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:43,520 [FLUTE PLAYS BADLY] 1437 01:09:46,760 --> 01:09:48,120 MARTIN: Colleen! 1438 01:09:49,240 --> 01:09:53,960 [FLUTE PLAYS] 1439 01:09:55,040 --> 01:09:56,440 MARTIN: Alan! 1440 01:09:56,920 --> 01:09:59,040 [LAUGHTER] 1441 01:09:59,480 --> 01:10:05,000 [FLUTE PLAYS TERRIBLY] 1442 01:10:05,360 --> 01:10:07,360 [IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS] 1443 01:10:07,360 --> 01:10:09,200 ♪ If I had a wife, the plague of my life ♪ 1444 01:10:09,200 --> 01:10:10,800 ♪ I'll tell you what I would do ♪ 1445 01:10:11,160 --> 01:10:12,160 ♪ I'd buy her a boat ♪ 1446 01:10:12,160 --> 01:10:13,080 ♪ And set her afloat ♪ 1447 01:10:13,080 --> 01:10:14,640 ♪ And paddle my own canoe ♪ 1448 01:10:15,480 --> 01:10:16,720 [CHEERS] 1449 01:10:16,720 --> 01:10:20,320 Fantastic! Terrific, yeah. Thank you! 1450 01:10:20,320 --> 01:10:21,480 Wow! 1451 01:10:21,800 --> 01:10:24,000 Love jamming with a fellow woodwinder! 1452 01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:28,680 And of course, ladies and gentlemen, my friend and farmer, Mr Martin McGuiness. 1453 01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:31,960 It’s fucking Brennan, ya eejit! 1454 01:10:32,280 --> 01:10:33,640 Oh yes, sorry. Sorry. 1455 01:10:33,800 --> 01:10:35,720 Yes. Thanks Lizzie, thanks. 1456 01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:39,040 Sorry, um... 1457 01:10:40,560 --> 01:10:42,720 Sorry for getting emotional during that bit. 1458 01:10:43,440 --> 01:10:45,720 Do you know, I’ve not cried onstage 1459 01:10:45,720 --> 01:10:49,200 since I drilled through my thumb nail at the Ideal Homes exhibition. 1460 01:10:49,520 --> 01:10:50,280 [LAUGHTER] 1461 01:10:50,280 --> 01:10:54,520 Yeah. I had to keep my hand raised to stem the blood flow, 1462 01:10:55,440 --> 01:10:57,360 but it looked like a black power salute 1463 01:10:58,320 --> 01:11:01,600 and it made some people very uncomfortable. 1464 01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:06,360 So I just flattened it into a Nazi salute and that was fine. 1465 01:11:06,360 --> 01:11:09,560 Yeah. I mean, it was being hosted by Kirstie Allsopp, so... 1466 01:11:09,560 --> 01:11:11,200 [LAUGHTER] 1467 01:11:11,520 --> 01:11:12,600 Hang on. 1468 01:11:14,120 --> 01:11:16,840 Lynn, I’ve just been talking about someone like you. 1469 01:11:17,400 --> 01:11:18,800 [LAUGHTER] 1470 01:11:19,120 --> 01:11:20,720 You fired up the foot spa then? 1471 01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:22,440 How did you know? 1472 01:11:22,440 --> 01:11:23,760 Because you’re on security cameras. 1473 01:11:23,760 --> 01:11:25,080 I can see you, obviously. 1474 01:11:26,240 --> 01:11:27,840 Never had you down as a Peeping Tom. 1475 01:11:28,320 --> 01:11:29,240 [SIGHS] 1476 01:11:29,240 --> 01:11:30,880 Lynn, if I was going to peep on a woman, 1477 01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:33,720 it would not be a septuagenarian softening her bunions. 1478 01:11:34,120 --> 01:11:35,520 [LAUGHTER] 1479 01:11:35,520 --> 01:11:36,840 I am being vigilant. 1480 01:11:37,800 --> 01:11:39,000 You’re being paranoid. 1481 01:11:39,120 --> 01:11:40,840 I’m not paranoid, it was only a month ago 1482 01:11:40,840 --> 01:11:43,960 I had a Koi carp worth a hundred pounds stolen from my pond. 1483 01:11:44,400 --> 01:11:46,200 - For God sakes. - You got it back. 1484 01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:48,560 Yes, battered. In batter. 1485 01:11:48,560 --> 01:11:50,160 [LAUGHTER] 1486 01:11:50,160 --> 01:11:53,200 They dumped it on my lawn wrapped in newspaper with chips and peas. 1487 01:11:53,200 --> 01:11:56,440 Making it the most expensive fish supper I’ve been served outside of Dubai. 1488 01:11:57,400 --> 01:12:00,880 I could barely bring myself to eat it ‘til I added loads of salt and vinegar. 1489 01:12:00,880 --> 01:12:02,080 [LAUGHTER] 1490 01:12:02,080 --> 01:12:04,200 We’ve had a response from Darryl. 1491 01:12:04,200 --> 01:12:06,120 Oh yeah, what’s he got to say for himself? 1492 01:12:06,120 --> 01:12:09,120 Are you sure you want to withdraw the offer of the campervan? 1493 01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:14,560 Lynn, hell will freeze over before he gets his hands on my campervan. 1494 01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:15,520 Okay? 1495 01:12:15,520 --> 01:12:17,600 Only he says all of his solariums... 1496 01:12:18,520 --> 01:12:20,640 ‘Solaria,’ but go on. 1497 01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:24,280 ... are fitted with cameras and that includes the tanning rooms. 1498 01:12:25,640 --> 01:12:27,480 Right, I didn’t know that. 1499 01:12:28,880 --> 01:12:32,960 Lynn, ask him to destroy the footage and if he saw anything peculiar, 1500 01:12:32,960 --> 01:12:35,960 it’s because if it’s flaccid, it doesn’t get an even tan. 1501 01:12:36,280 --> 01:12:38,600 [LAUGHTER] 1502 01:12:39,040 --> 01:12:41,320 - Tell him he can borrow the van. - I think that’s prudent. 1503 01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:42,480 Yes. Okay, right. 1504 01:12:42,480 --> 01:12:44,360 By the way, Grant Schapps called from the Isle of Man 1505 01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:49,760 - about the judo weekend and I... - Sorry. 1506 01:12:50,400 --> 01:12:52,840 Okay, so we’ve atoned. 1507 01:12:52,840 --> 01:12:55,560 We’ve rid ourselves of unwanted guilt, 1508 01:12:55,880 --> 01:13:00,640 like throwing unwanted porn mags on the fire while you’re wife’s at Asda. 1509 01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:02,240 [LAUGHTER] 1510 01:13:02,240 --> 01:13:06,240 Dirty Dilbert nodding down there, remembering when he threw out his... 1511 01:13:06,240 --> 01:13:09,640 or burned his copies of Big Bums Weekly. 1512 01:13:11,200 --> 01:13:13,000 I think it’s monthly now! 1513 01:13:13,320 --> 01:13:14,240 [LAUGHTER] 1514 01:13:14,240 --> 01:13:16,840 Okay, now it’s time to take a look in the mirror. 1515 01:13:17,120 --> 01:13:21,240 Who would like to come up onstage and tell us about a problem they need fixing? 1516 01:13:21,640 --> 01:13:23,400 [FEMALE FRANTICALLY SHOUTS] 1517 01:13:23,400 --> 01:13:24,600 Okay, bloody hell. 1518 01:13:24,600 --> 01:13:25,800 Alright, yeah. 1519 01:13:26,120 --> 01:13:28,120 The one next to her would’ve done. 1520 01:13:28,120 --> 01:13:31,120 Alright, come on. Quick as you like, got a bit of a live wire here. 1521 01:13:31,440 --> 01:13:33,520 Yes. Yeah, come on, come on. 1522 01:13:33,520 --> 01:13:35,520 Yeah, okay. 1523 01:13:35,920 --> 01:13:37,080 Watch my bag. 1524 01:13:37,440 --> 01:13:38,600 Get a photo. 1525 01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:40,080 No, get a video. 1526 01:13:40,080 --> 01:13:42,120 - Get a video. - Pop this in your pocket, 1527 01:13:42,120 --> 01:13:43,480 Pop it in your pocket like that. 1528 01:13:43,480 --> 01:13:44,920 Okay, calm down, it’s alright. 1529 01:13:44,920 --> 01:13:47,320 - Oh my god, you’ve got nosal hairs. - Alright. 1530 01:13:47,320 --> 01:13:49,320 - Oh my god, I’m well loud now, aren’t I? - Don’t do that, don’t. 1531 01:13:49,320 --> 01:13:51,880 - Aaaahh! - I meant to get her, not this one. 1532 01:13:52,240 --> 01:13:53,440 Okay, what’s your name? 1533 01:13:53,720 --> 01:13:55,760 - Nina. Nina. - Nina Nina. 1534 01:13:55,760 --> 01:13:57,160 Just one Nina. 1535 01:13:57,160 --> 01:13:59,440 I was going to say I thought someone let a fire engine in! 1536 01:13:59,440 --> 01:14:00,880 Nina Nina! 1537 01:14:00,880 --> 01:14:04,560 [MANIACAL LAUGH] 1538 01:14:04,560 --> 01:14:06,200 That’s a lovely laugh. 1539 01:14:06,680 --> 01:14:09,520 - Did you hear that then? - And are those your friends you came with? 1540 01:14:09,520 --> 01:14:10,840 Yeah, yeah. My friend, Natalie. 1541 01:14:10,840 --> 01:14:14,280 She phoned me up and she said, “We’re going to this Strategy thing.’ 1542 01:14:14,280 --> 01:14:15,840 - Yeah, Stratagem. -“Do you wanna come and see it? 1543 01:14:15,840 --> 01:14:18,400 It’s got this bloke in it.” I’d never heard of you. 1544 01:14:18,400 --> 01:14:20,560 I’m not being funny but I’d never head of you. 1545 01:14:20,560 --> 01:14:22,360 Yeah, you’re not my demographic, so that’s fine. 1546 01:14:22,360 --> 01:14:24,280 And then you asked someone to come up, yeah, 1547 01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:26,160 and they were like, “Fucking get on stage.” 1548 01:14:26,160 --> 01:14:28,200 - Oh no, shit, I’m sorry for swearing. - That’s alright. 1549 01:14:28,200 --> 01:14:29,320 Now, what problem... 1550 01:14:29,320 --> 01:14:31,760 And I was sitting there, honestly, like, what’s he going on about? 1551 01:14:31,760 --> 01:14:34,280 It’s good to talk but you’ve also got to listen. 1552 01:14:34,560 --> 01:14:35,960 - Yeah. Yeah. - Okay. 1553 01:14:35,960 --> 01:14:38,000 Oh my god, I’m sorry. Look at your face. 1554 01:14:38,000 --> 01:14:40,160 Don’t look so worried, I’m not gonna do nuffin. 1555 01:14:40,360 --> 01:14:41,280 I’m not worried. 1556 01:14:41,280 --> 01:14:43,720 Let’s talk about what’s wrong with you. 1557 01:14:44,040 --> 01:14:45,480 [LAUGHTER] 1558 01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:49,000 I mean, I could take a guess but why don’t you tell me? 1559 01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:51,400 Oh my god, nothing wrong with me, I’m having a great time. 1560 01:14:51,600 --> 01:14:53,240 Yeah. I mean in life, what’s bothering you? 1561 01:14:53,400 --> 01:14:55,960 Oh yeah, your nosal hairs. You need to get a strimmer. 1562 01:14:55,960 --> 01:14:58,760 - Yeah, I’ve got one. It’s jammed, alright. - I’m only teasing, darling. 1563 01:14:58,760 --> 01:15:00,400 - I’m only teasing. - Nina, you can’t half talk. 1564 01:15:00,400 --> 01:15:02,720 It’s like chatting to Mel and Sue at the same time. 1565 01:15:03,680 --> 01:15:05,440 - Can I ask you something? - Yeah, what’s that? 1566 01:15:05,440 --> 01:15:06,600 - What is it? - What’s what? 1567 01:15:06,600 --> 01:15:08,280 - Strategy. - Stratagem. 1568 01:15:08,280 --> 01:15:09,920 - What is it? - It’s a life improvement system 1569 01:15:09,920 --> 01:15:11,360 that will improve the quality of people’s lives 1570 01:15:11,360 --> 01:15:13,560 in association with Bet365 and P 1571 01:15:14,040 --> 01:15:14,960 [LAUGHTER] 1572 01:15:14,960 --> 01:15:16,240 Can I ask you something? 1573 01:15:16,560 --> 01:15:18,600 - Have you been dumped or something? - I beg your pardon? 1574 01:15:18,720 --> 01:15:20,040 Have you been dumped? 1575 01:15:20,040 --> 01:15:22,280 Have you got nosal hairs in your ears an all? 1576 01:15:22,440 --> 01:15:24,640 No, a Vietnamese woman burns them off. 1577 01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:27,400 ‘Cos that song, yeah, you did about that Virginia woman 1578 01:15:27,400 --> 01:15:29,760 - who kept laughing, ‘He, he, he.’ - Yeah. 1579 01:15:29,760 --> 01:15:33,320 Then she was in the grave at the end, we were saying, weren’t we, Nat? 1580 01:15:33,320 --> 01:15:36,200 She ain’t dead, she’s alive, isn’t she? 1581 01:15:36,640 --> 01:15:38,240 She’s dead to me. 1582 01:15:38,240 --> 01:15:39,560 [LAUGHTER] 1583 01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:42,280 She dumped you then, didn’t she? Oh my god. 1584 01:15:42,280 --> 01:15:44,240 That’s what all this is about, isn’t it? 1585 01:15:44,240 --> 01:15:47,040 All of this, ‘La la la, walking up and down.’ 1586 01:15:47,040 --> 01:15:48,320 Get off, you cheeky bugger. 1587 01:15:48,320 --> 01:15:50,880 You’re like this, ‘She’s gonna see me doing this.’ 1588 01:15:51,080 --> 01:15:55,680 - You’re like, ‘Look at me now, you slag.’ - Yeah, she’s not a slag. 1589 01:15:55,680 --> 01:15:58,840 I might have you back if you fucking beg me! 1590 01:16:00,760 --> 01:16:02,240 [LAUGHTER] 1591 01:16:02,240 --> 01:16:03,320 I’m right, aren’t I? 1592 01:16:03,320 --> 01:16:05,120 Oh my god, so what happened then? Did you mug her off? 1593 01:16:05,120 --> 01:16:07,600 - I literally don’t know what that means. - So, what happened? 1594 01:16:07,600 --> 01:16:09,680 Why did she break up with you? Why did she... 1595 01:16:09,680 --> 01:16:12,560 I’ll tell you if you let me get a ruddy word in edgeways. 1596 01:16:12,880 --> 01:16:13,760 [LAUGHTER] 1597 01:16:13,760 --> 01:16:16,880 Okay, we were at a themed party, right. 1598 01:16:16,880 --> 01:16:19,240 They said, “Come as your favourite movie.” 1599 01:16:20,200 --> 01:16:22,400 Hers is Dirty Dancing because she’s a woman. 1600 01:16:22,720 --> 01:16:24,360 [LAUGHTER] 1601 01:16:24,920 --> 01:16:28,080 She ran up to me, saying, “Lift me up like Patrick Swayze.” 1602 01:16:28,400 --> 01:16:31,280 She leapt, my knees buckled, we both fell. 1603 01:16:31,920 --> 01:16:32,600 [LAUGHTER] 1604 01:16:32,600 --> 01:16:34,000 She said, “You’re not as strong as you were.” 1605 01:16:34,000 --> 01:16:36,560 And I said, “Yeah, and you could do with losing a few pounds.” 1606 01:16:36,840 --> 01:16:37,560 [LAUGHTER] 1607 01:16:37,560 --> 01:16:40,160 - It was not a slight on her. - No, stupid twat. 1608 01:16:40,160 --> 01:16:42,040 - It was a factual observation that... - I’m sorry. 1609 01:16:42,040 --> 01:16:43,960 ... that she was carrying additional weight which mitigated... 1610 01:16:43,960 --> 01:16:46,200 - Twat behaviour. - ... my perceived lack of strength... 1611 01:16:46,200 --> 01:16:48,160 - No one cares about ... - ... that caused a brouhaha. 1612 01:16:48,480 --> 01:16:50,600 Darling, no one cares about your boo hoo hoo. 1613 01:16:50,600 --> 01:16:52,920 - Brouhaha. - Darling, it ain’t funny. 1614 01:16:53,080 --> 01:16:55,040 That’s not what brouhaha is. It’s a different thing. 1615 01:16:55,040 --> 01:16:58,560 Darling. Sometimes, darling, you’ve just got to shut ya fucking mouth. 1616 01:16:58,560 --> 01:17:00,600 - I told you... - What you’ve gotta do... 1617 01:17:00,600 --> 01:17:02,040 - I told you... - What you’ve gotta do! 1618 01:17:02,040 --> 01:17:03,680 - I told... - What you’ve gotta do! 1619 01:17:03,680 --> 01:17:07,200 -‘Sha ma fucking maf!’ - Yeah, good. 1620 01:17:07,200 --> 01:17:08,800 And now, look at me. 1621 01:17:08,800 --> 01:17:11,680 You need to buy her a nice, lovely handbag, Christian Louboutin. 1622 01:17:11,680 --> 01:17:12,920 Something that makes a lady... 1623 01:17:12,920 --> 01:17:15,800 - Listen, would you like a cigarette? - Oh my god, I wouldn’t mind, actually. 1624 01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:18,200 Great, there’s a chap up there, he’s got loads of fags. 1625 01:17:18,200 --> 01:17:21,080 Just go out there, go through the fire doors, let them close behind you, 1626 01:17:21,080 --> 01:17:22,920 have your fag, then when you want to come back in, knock twice, 1627 01:17:22,920 --> 01:17:24,800 pop back onstage and we’ll finish this conversation 1628 01:17:24,800 --> 01:17:26,480 which I’m really enjoying, by the way. 1629 01:17:26,480 --> 01:17:28,640 Oh, I know a girl who’d really like you. 1630 01:17:28,640 --> 01:17:30,920 She’s a dog groomer, she’s got a van. 1631 01:17:30,920 --> 01:17:32,960 Great. Dog’s dead. Off you pop. 1632 01:17:32,960 --> 01:17:34,120 [LAUGHTER] 1633 01:17:34,120 --> 01:17:35,520 Three knocks and we’ll let you back in. 1634 01:17:35,520 --> 01:17:36,800 I thought it was two. 1635 01:17:36,800 --> 01:17:39,240 Yeah, well, you have to do two to get to the third. 1636 01:17:39,240 --> 01:17:41,160 So, knock twice then add one and we’ll... 1637 01:17:41,160 --> 01:17:43,160 Trevor, do let her back in, yeah? 1638 01:17:43,160 --> 01:17:44,840 Great, okay. 1639 01:17:45,040 --> 01:17:46,200 Sorry about that. 1640 01:17:46,200 --> 01:17:48,480 I was hoping for a slightly more passive woman. 1641 01:17:48,800 --> 01:17:50,560 NINA: He smells of Quavers. 1642 01:17:51,080 --> 01:17:52,280 [LAUGHTER] 1643 01:17:52,280 --> 01:17:53,520 And that is Stratagem. 1644 01:17:53,520 --> 01:17:54,840 Silhouette sting. 1645 01:17:55,160 --> 01:18:00,960 [AFRICAN RAP MUSIC] 1646 01:18:04,840 --> 01:18:06,640 [LAUGHTER] 1647 01:18:08,440 --> 01:18:12,640 Yes, it was a very... it was a very cold day when we filmed those dances. 1648 01:18:14,000 --> 01:18:17,160 With Stratagem, you can be whatever you want to be. 1649 01:18:17,880 --> 01:18:19,960 An armchair, if you like. 1650 01:18:19,960 --> 01:18:21,960 A bannister, a barrista. 1651 01:18:22,600 --> 01:18:25,040 In other words, go out there and seize the day with both hands. 1652 01:18:25,040 --> 01:18:26,840 Grab it by the throat and throttle it! 1653 01:18:28,080 --> 01:18:28,880 It’s incredibly really, 1654 01:18:28,880 --> 01:18:32,360 I get such enjoyment from performing in front of total strangers. 1655 01:18:33,360 --> 01:18:34,400 What? 1656 01:18:34,400 --> 01:18:35,760 No, it’s not dogging. 1657 01:18:36,640 --> 01:18:40,200 People that go dogging aren’t strangers, they’ve got a WhatsApp group. 1658 01:18:40,600 --> 01:18:41,920 [LAUGHTER] 1659 01:18:41,920 --> 01:18:43,040 ... so I’ve been told. 1660 01:18:43,360 --> 01:18:44,640 [LAUGHTER] 1661 01:18:44,840 --> 01:18:48,160 Anyway, you keep schtum for the last five minutes and we’ll stay friends. 1662 01:18:49,240 --> 01:18:51,120 Now, I don’t know about you, 1663 01:18:51,120 --> 01:18:53,600 I feel a medley of eighties power ballads coming on. 1664 01:18:55,880 --> 01:18:59,000 Rebekah. Rebekah, how’s tonight been for you? 1665 01:19:00,640 --> 01:19:02,680 [TECHNICAL FAILURE SOUND] 1666 01:19:02,680 --> 01:19:04,440 VOICE OF THE GODS: What followed was a musical medley 1667 01:19:04,440 --> 01:19:08,200 as delicate and intricately constructed as a Faberge egg. 1668 01:19:10,000 --> 01:19:14,480 Managing as it did, to marry key takeaways with air-punching balladry, 1669 01:19:15,040 --> 01:19:17,080 it left the audience wrapped. 1670 01:19:17,400 --> 01:19:20,040 Look at her face. Or his. 1671 01:19:20,360 --> 01:19:23,920 But including it on the streaming platform proved eye-wateringly expensive, 1672 01:19:23,920 --> 01:19:27,800 thanks to the demands of certain artists, who shall remain nameless. 1673 01:19:28,440 --> 01:19:30,920 In fact no, I will name them. 1674 01:19:31,240 --> 01:19:35,080 Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, George Michael and Aretha Franklin, 1675 01:19:35,400 --> 01:19:38,240 Phil Collins, Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand, 1676 01:19:38,240 --> 01:19:41,040 all of whom have to be having a laugh. 1677 01:19:41,040 --> 01:19:41,800 Have to be. 1678 01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:45,800 It’s a shame, as it would have been beneficial to them, 1679 01:19:45,800 --> 01:19:50,160 attracting an audience who have probably never heard of them 1680 01:19:50,520 --> 01:19:52,680 and now, probably never will. 1681 01:19:53,160 --> 01:19:55,760 Look at what Netflix has done for Kate Bush. 1682 01:19:56,080 --> 01:19:57,480 That could’ve been you. 1683 01:19:58,840 --> 01:19:59,800 Oh, you’re back again. 1684 01:20:01,400 --> 01:20:05,720 ♪ Did you ever know that you’re my hero? ♪ 1685 01:20:06,160 --> 01:20:07,480 Keep talking. 1686 01:20:08,600 --> 01:20:12,400 ♪ You’re everything I would like to be ♪ 1687 01:20:13,480 --> 01:20:14,400 Yeah? 1688 01:20:16,160 --> 01:20:21,400 ♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪ 1689 01:20:23,720 --> 01:20:28,400 ♪ I am the wind beneath your wings ♪ 1690 01:20:28,720 --> 01:20:30,360 [APPLAUSE] 1691 01:20:30,840 --> 01:20:32,800 Did you just do a farting noise? 1692 01:20:32,800 --> 01:20:33,560 [LAUGHTER] 1693 01:20:33,560 --> 01:20:35,320 Ah, for Christ’s sake, that’s it! 1694 01:20:35,600 --> 01:20:38,400 You’ve ruined it! You always try and butt in and take the piss! 1695 01:20:38,520 --> 01:20:41,080 I wish I’d not used up all of my F words; I could do with a few right now. 1696 01:20:41,680 --> 01:20:43,120 Actually, I’ve still got a C word. 1697 01:20:43,440 --> 01:20:45,960 Yeah, you are a downright troublesome nuisance and a cunt. 1698 01:20:46,320 --> 01:20:47,320 [LAUGHTER] 1699 01:20:47,320 --> 01:20:48,400 What? Forget the show! 1700 01:20:48,400 --> 01:20:51,080 I couldn’t give a shit about the show! There is no Stratagem! 1701 01:20:51,200 --> 01:20:52,840 It was all bullshit. 1702 01:20:53,480 --> 01:20:55,920 - Alan. - What? Oh yeah, get her down. 1703 01:20:56,240 --> 01:20:57,320 Yeah. 1704 01:20:57,640 --> 01:21:00,840 The whole thing’s just a big excuse so I could lift a woman up onstage 1705 01:21:00,840 --> 01:21:03,040 and show I was a dead strong man. 1706 01:21:03,360 --> 01:21:04,720 [LAUGHTER] 1707 01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:06,080 I mean, she’s not even that heavy. 1708 01:21:06,080 --> 01:21:07,720 What are you, a hundred and ten pounds? 1709 01:21:07,720 --> 01:21:10,000 - Fifty kilograms. - I don’t know what kilograms are! 1710 01:21:10,000 --> 01:21:11,320 [LAUGHTER] 1711 01:21:11,720 --> 01:21:13,440 I only know imperial measurements! 1712 01:21:14,480 --> 01:21:16,880 I just wanted to impress Virginia because I heard she was coming tonight. 1713 01:21:16,880 --> 01:21:18,400 Virginia, are you in? 1714 01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:20,600 Wait! 1715 01:21:21,440 --> 01:21:23,840 Ted, how do you know? Is she in the lighting gallery with you? 1716 01:21:25,720 --> 01:21:26,920 Are you joking? 1717 01:21:26,920 --> 01:21:28,600 [LAUGHTER] 1718 01:21:30,160 --> 01:21:31,640 Is she in a relationship with you? 1719 01:21:33,800 --> 01:21:35,000 [SOFT LAUGHTER] 1720 01:21:35,000 --> 01:21:36,320 Are you in love? 1721 01:21:38,360 --> 01:21:39,960 Please flash a second time. 1722 01:21:39,960 --> 01:21:41,520 [LAUGHTER] 1723 01:21:43,960 --> 01:21:45,400 I don’t know what to do now. 1724 01:21:45,760 --> 01:21:46,840 What shall I do? 1725 01:21:46,840 --> 01:21:48,920 Finish the song and we can go home? 1726 01:21:50,480 --> 01:21:52,040 I mean, what, shall I finish the song? 1727 01:21:53,040 --> 01:21:54,360 [SOME AUDIENCE CHEERS YES] 1728 01:21:54,560 --> 01:21:56,360 Well, that’s about a third of you. 1729 01:21:56,840 --> 01:21:57,600 [LAUGHTER] 1730 01:21:57,600 --> 01:21:59,480 That’s enough to win a general election. 1731 01:21:59,800 --> 01:22:03,000 [MUSIC PLAYS] 1732 01:22:03,760 --> 01:22:06,400 Well, that’s the first past the post system for you. 1733 01:22:07,320 --> 01:22:11,920 I mean, you could introduce some form of proportional representation 1734 01:22:12,320 --> 01:22:14,440 but then you’re in danger of letting the Lib Dems in. 1735 01:22:15,600 --> 01:22:16,600 Hang on. 1736 01:22:16,600 --> 01:22:17,520 No! 1737 01:22:18,840 --> 01:22:20,560 The thing is it’s quite complex. 1738 01:22:20,560 --> 01:22:22,640 I mean, most people’s eyes glaze over 1739 01:22:22,640 --> 01:22:25,120 when you talk about alternative electoral systems. 1740 01:22:25,520 --> 01:22:27,040 [MUSIC CONTINUES] 1741 01:22:27,040 --> 01:22:30,040 And uh, I suppose what I’m trying to say is... 1742 01:22:32,760 --> 01:22:37,600 ♪ I don’t know much but I know I love you ♪ 1743 01:22:37,600 --> 01:22:40,280 The trouble with coalitions is you lack a clear mandate. 1744 01:22:40,920 --> 01:22:45,640 ♪ That may be all I need to know ♪ 1745 01:22:46,120 --> 01:22:47,960 ♪ Whoa ♪ 1746 01:22:48,800 --> 01:22:50,560 ♪ I don’t know much ♪ 1747 01:22:50,560 --> 01:22:51,760 I mean, Nick Clegg? 1748 01:22:52,200 --> 01:22:55,600 ♪ But I know I love you ♪ 1749 01:22:57,040 --> 01:23:04,920 That may be all I need to kno-ow-ow-ow 1750 01:23:05,240 --> 01:23:06,520 Do you vote for Conservative? 1751 01:23:06,840 --> 01:23:08,400 I’m not old enough to vote yet. 1752 01:23:08,400 --> 01:23:09,720 You’re fucking kidding me. 1753 01:23:09,720 --> 01:23:11,600 [LAUGHTER] 1754 01:23:11,600 --> 01:23:13,280 - Yes, I am. - Thank goodness for that. 1755 01:23:14,080 --> 01:23:21,080 ♪ Those summer nights ♪ 1756 01:23:21,440 --> 01:23:27,440 ♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪ 1757 01:23:27,440 --> 01:23:28,760 Hang on! 1758 01:23:29,920 --> 01:23:31,160 I did it! 1759 01:23:31,440 --> 01:23:36,400 [APPLAUSE] 1760 01:23:42,240 --> 01:23:45,240 [MUSIC PLAYS] 1761 01:24:03,760 --> 01:24:05,560 Aha!