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When you go to prison,
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everybody has their titles and stuff
for themselves or other people.
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People look at, like, an aggravated
stalking charge and they laugh about it.
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They're like, "Oh, you're a stalker?
Like, pfft! What kind of shit is that?"
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"You're in the bushes
with the binoculars?"
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"No, like…"
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And I could see where some people,
that is the case, you know, but…
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Everybody's situation is different.
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So, to people I don't know, I just--
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I-- I try to laugh it off.
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Because for me, it brings up a lot of hurt
and hard feelings,
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and it brings up all the trauma
that Rachel and I went through.
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The only thing
that I want clear is…
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I might have empathy for John,
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but what he did to me,
I will never forgive him for.
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Just because I understand it,
doesn't mean I have to accept it.
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I don't accept it.
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I'd rather be considered
a murderer than a stalker,
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you know what I mean?
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I wanted the intensity of,
like, of her feeling watched.
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Anybody could be a stalker.
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It's all boogeyman talk.
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I'm not still that crazy.
Like--
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The stalking thing kind of
boils down for me as an abandonment issue.
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I get hung up on a person
because I felt abandoned by them.
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It makes me just want
to cling on to them more.
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Then I get angry about it and it's like,
"Well, you love me, you should be here."
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It's anger from being hurt.
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And looking back, I can say
that was the start of problems
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that led me to the situation I'm in now.
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I'm John R. Anderson III.
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I'm incarcerated
at Hill Correction Facility.
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I've been charged
with aggravated stalking.
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I grew up in the country.
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My dad taught me how to hunt, fish.
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I was good in school, played sports,
played baseball a lot.
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I think I've always steered towards
having a serious relationship.
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Even when I first started having
girlfriends in middle school
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and early years in high school,
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I was always gettin' flowers
or makin' little mix tapes.
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I was always more… serious. It wasn't
like, "We're just hanging out for fun."
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It was like, "Is there a connection?
Some kind of little intimacy?"
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I'm one of those people. From the start,
I can tell if I'm gonna like you or not,
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and Rachel and I, we just clicked.
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Like, I don't know.
We were two peas in a pod.
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My name is Rachel.
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I met John in 2015. On a blind date.
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I was working, like,
three jobs at the time
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and I was raising my son by myself.
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So I wasn't interested in
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any kind of relationship, really.
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John's very funny and very witty, and…
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at that point in time,
he had a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.
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He was, like, my type of man.
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And I always told him
that it was his green eyes that…
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got me that very first night.
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It's not something
that we just jumped into.
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We were gonna take this slow,
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because I wanted to get to know
the person before,
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like, bringing my son into the situation.
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There was a lot of give and take
in the beginning,
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because he's a diesel mechanic,
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so he worked six days a week,
ten-hour days.
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He was always going out with his friends,
and was always around girls,
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and his friends were always trying
to get him to party all the time.
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I didn't know that he was drinking
all the time.
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I just thought that
it was a weekend type of thing.
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I didn't do that.
I worked and went home to my kid.
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But he was always good with Gauge.
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Like, Gauge looked at him
like he was his father.
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Gauge was just an infectious child.
Like, he…
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He was my little rock star, you know?
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He-- I gave him a little Mohawk,
and he'd throw up the little rock horns
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and he'd ride on my Harley with me.
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And it was great, but…
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I'd have Gauge with me,
and people would say things to me.
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"Who's that kid you got with you, John?"
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For me, at first, it mattered.
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But the more that I fell in love
with Gauge, like,
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the more it became irritating.
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Like, "This is my kid.
What are you talking about?"
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It was one of those relationships
where if I was chasing John,
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he was backing off.
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And if he was chasing me,
I was backing off.
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So as soon as I'd tell him,
"Okay, I'm done,"
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he'd be at my door at 11 o'clock at night,
telling me how sorry he was.
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But we were just so…
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I don't know, in…
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dumb love, I guess.
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We stayed together
through all of that and then…
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I found out I was pregnant.
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At that time, we were looking
at moving to Arkansas.
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His uncle lives in Arkansas,
so we went to go visit him.
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It is just a beautiful place,
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and so we started looking
for houses down there.
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After Jax was born,
we were going down to Arkansas,
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staying there at his uncle's house,
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just trying to complete the contract with
the lady that was selling us the house.
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And Jax was only four months old
when Gauge died.
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To this day, I don't have
an answer what happened.
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There was a storm,
and some trees had blown over.
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We were usin' the loader tractor
to move the trees
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off the fence on the horse pasture.
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Gauge was helpin' me.
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He, um… he fell off the tractor,
and I accidentally ran him over.
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Uh…
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Rachel was there when it happened.
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She was just up at the house,
and she came down and she was holding him.
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She could still feel his heartbeat
and stuff.
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We just couldn't get the ambulance there
fast enough
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and we couldn't get him to the hospital
fast enough.
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Uh…
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So Gauge-- Gauge isn't no more with us.
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She knows I'm a very careful,
safe kind of person. Um…
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I've been a diesel mechanic my whole life.
I've been around tractors, ag equipment,
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combines, construction equipment.
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So, like, she knows it wasn't a matter of
me bein' reckless or-- or doin' anything…
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unsafe with him on the tractor.
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But instantly…
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I-- I felt responsible and guilty,
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and, you know, I felt like
I just killed my son.
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We, uh…
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We lost our child.
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And…
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And both of us became different people.
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After Gauge died, I, um…
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I turned into, like, a shell of a person.
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It's very difficult to explain,
I guess. Um…
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I didn't wanna do anything.
I didn't wanna eat, I didn't wanna…
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I couldn't hold Jax at all.
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I think he could just feel
how heartbroken I was.
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Because he would scream, I mean…
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So John had to take on
all of that responsibility
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for a four-month-old child and me,
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because I couldn't do it.
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He really did try before he fell apart.
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John was working
for the first, I think, year.
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And it got to a point where
he wasn't getting enough jobs
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to be able to support us.
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So I had to go get a job.
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John then started to find friends,
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and those friends were doing drugs.
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He was starting to smoke--
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I don't know if it was crack first
or meth.
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And I'd sit there and watch him do it.
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I understood why he was trying
to numb the pain.
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The guilt of… he could have prevented
the accident.
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That's a lot for somebody to have to…
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deal with.
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My addiction
really kicked into overdrive.
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I was usin' meth,
and I was… I was bad on meth.
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I'd never experienced nothin' like it. I--
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I, uh…
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I was hallucinating things, and…
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I couldn't… I couldn't close my eyes
without seeing his face.
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Um…
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Poor Rachel, she just-- she shut down.
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She didn't-- She just-- She shut down.
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And we went on like this
for about a year and a half.
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Neither one of us took time
to seek out help, or counseling, or…
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or anything to help work through it.
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And…
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as much as we needed each other,
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I feel like we just pushed
each other apart.
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When they say
things can't get worse in your life,
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well, they really can.
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With me not being able to function,
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I guess I wasn't giving him
what he needed.
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So he found a girl
that worked at the docks on the lake.
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And…
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cheated on me with her.
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I think she was 19 years old.
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And at that time, John was 35.
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She was very young.
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And I told him that he wasn't gonna
ruin our family, that we can fix it.
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And that was the first time he hit me.
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He hit me across the face so hard
that I hit the floor,
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and then he took my keys
and left for the night.
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At this point, John was seeing
and hearing people
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because he was strung out on meth.
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He'd go to the bathroom or something,
and he would leave his phone on record.
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And he would listen to the recordings,
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and scream at me and yell at me
that I was cheating on him
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when it was the TV that was talking.
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After that, it just got worse.
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It was my birthday that he swore
he heard a man's voice in the garage.
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He picked me up in the kitchen
by my neck,
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drug me down the hall,
and threw me on the bed…
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and proceeded to hit me in my ribs,
my chest, my legs, and my head.
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And choked me to the point
where I threw up.
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It was that moment where I knew
that I just had to get away from him.
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That he wasn't gonna change.
He wasn't gonna get any better.
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I just made my mind up,
and I couldn't stay another second.
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I felt a sense of relief
on the eight-hour drive to Illinois…
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00:16:54,123 --> 00:16:56,883
knowing that I wasn't gonna
have to deal with him.
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Everything that I was doin'
to Rachel after I started doin' meth,
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I felt like she was doin' it back to me,
and it wasn't true at all.
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Like, it was just my own mind
playing tricks on me.
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And…
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it ended up bringing a lot of violence
in between with Rachel and I.
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But when she left,
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00:17:25,043 --> 00:17:29,883
I felt that I had just lost
another child and my wife.
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00:17:33,643 --> 00:17:37,843
It was like, with all the hurt and pain
that I was carryin', that just hurt more.
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And it just-- it was so overwhelming,
I don't even know how to explain it.
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I felt betrayed, really.
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And then I became so obsessed with,
"Where's my son?"
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00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:57,363
I would try to ask friends and family
where she went. Nobody would tell me.
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00:17:57,443 --> 00:18:01,163
They would lie to me and tell me,
"Oh, she's-- she's somewhere down there."
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00:18:01,243 --> 00:18:03,243
"She's safe," or whatever.
So I'm gettin' aggravated.
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Rachel won't talk to me. I'm aggravated.
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00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:08,203
Like, she was doin' it
just to take my son from me and hurt me.
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By that time, John had figured
out that I wasn't in Arkansas anymore.
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00:18:16,883 --> 00:18:20,403
So he started sending me text messages.
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00:18:26,403 --> 00:18:29,723
He was telling me that he was gonna
pour my son down the toilet
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00:18:29,803 --> 00:18:36,203
if I didn't tell him where I was
and bring his family back to him.
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00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:51,403
He started sending me videos of him
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00:18:51,483 --> 00:18:56,243
pouring white ashes down the toilet.
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And of course, I freaked out
and had a panic attack.
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After he did that, I just-- There was--
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That was the end.
That was it. I got a restraining order.
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00:19:51,083 --> 00:19:54,083
For most stalking cases,
before they're called a crime,
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00:19:54,163 --> 00:19:56,363
there has to be a protection order
in place.
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00:19:57,203 --> 00:20:01,403
It's the first step from going
from a non-criminal behavior
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00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:02,883
to a criminal behavior.
225
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:09,443
My name is Ryan Williams.
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00:20:09,523 --> 00:20:12,403
I'm an associate professor
of criminology and criminal justice
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at the University of Illinois
in Springfield.
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00:20:29,723 --> 00:20:31,723
Orders of protection
can be very helpful.
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00:20:31,803 --> 00:20:34,523
It escalates the seriousness
of the offense.
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00:20:34,603 --> 00:20:37,763
A small misdemeanor to now
automatic felony.
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00:20:37,843 --> 00:20:43,003
So before when you drove by their work,
it was mischievous, it was problematic.
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Now it's a felony.
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00:20:46,443 --> 00:20:49,963
But protection orders are based
on a deterrent model of behavior.
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Unfortunately, a lot of stalking behavior
is done by people
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who aren't acting rationally,
who don't have much to lose.
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00:21:00,723 --> 00:21:03,923
Like in John's case, you can just ignore
the orders completely,
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00:21:04,003 --> 00:21:06,443
and feel that they don't apply to you
whatsoever.
238
00:21:22,643 --> 00:21:25,283
John exhibited
very serious behaviors
239
00:21:26,083 --> 00:21:28,203
prior, with his other relationships.
240
00:21:28,723 --> 00:21:31,883
It's someone who just won't accept
241
00:21:33,203 --> 00:21:35,483
that their behavior is harmful.
242
00:21:36,483 --> 00:21:39,043
To the point where I'm surprised
243
00:21:40,643 --> 00:21:43,443
that there weren't worse outcomes
in all of these cases.
244
00:21:56,243 --> 00:21:57,963
If John can't control women,
245
00:21:58,043 --> 00:22:02,243
then anger and aggression
and all that stuff comes out.
246
00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:06,883
Each time it's escalated,
and that scares me.
247
00:22:08,803 --> 00:22:11,483
There's always a stick of dynamite
in there somewhere.
248
00:22:14,723 --> 00:22:17,763
My name is Rick Anderson,
and I'm John's uncle.
249
00:22:18,643 --> 00:22:23,123
And, as of this date, I am
the only relative that'll talk to John.
250
00:22:34,803 --> 00:22:38,963
When John was younger,
John and his first wife were married.
251
00:22:39,803 --> 00:22:43,883
But John cheated on her
during the wedding.
252
00:22:45,003 --> 00:22:47,323
His wife just said enough's enough.
253
00:22:47,403 --> 00:22:48,643
She moved out.
254
00:22:49,683 --> 00:22:51,283
John kind of snapped.
255
00:22:52,923 --> 00:22:56,283
And back then, when he got mad,
he would show up at your house.
256
00:22:56,363 --> 00:23:00,203
Or just sit in a car and wait for you
to come out of work.
257
00:23:00,723 --> 00:23:02,723
Kind of like the beginning of stalking.
258
00:23:23,083 --> 00:23:26,323
He broke into her house,
hid in the closet,
259
00:23:26,843 --> 00:23:28,603
and at two o'clock in the mornin',
260
00:23:28,683 --> 00:23:31,043
was standin' at the end of the bed
of the girl.
261
00:23:32,283 --> 00:23:36,963
So all relationships with his
first wife and his second girlfriend
262
00:23:37,043 --> 00:23:39,083
just broke and fractured.
263
00:23:42,403 --> 00:23:45,243
If I was Rachel even now,
264
00:23:46,283 --> 00:23:47,923
I would be worried about John.
265
00:24:18,683 --> 00:24:20,043
John wanted Rachel back,
266
00:24:20,123 --> 00:24:22,843
and he would do anything and anything
to get her back.
267
00:24:24,523 --> 00:24:28,323
He knew how much
Rachel and I had a bond together.
268
00:24:28,403 --> 00:24:31,563
And if he couldn't have her, no one would.
269
00:24:44,723 --> 00:24:48,443
When he first got up here,
he called repetitively.
270
00:24:48,523 --> 00:24:52,563
But it comes up as somebody else
on the phone.
271
00:24:52,643 --> 00:24:55,443
This is how freakin' smart this idiot is.
272
00:24:57,163 --> 00:25:00,123
He'd call me, "Let me talk to her.
Just let me talk to her."
273
00:25:00,203 --> 00:25:02,123
"I love her. I want to talk to her."
274
00:25:02,963 --> 00:25:06,923
And then he'd curse.
"I know she's there. Let me talk to her."
275
00:25:07,003 --> 00:25:10,203
"You're a fuckin' bitch.
Let me talk to her now."
276
00:25:10,283 --> 00:25:13,723
I mean, it's scary. It's totally scary.
277
00:25:20,883 --> 00:25:22,603
He's stalking the house.
278
00:25:28,363 --> 00:25:34,043
He'd pull up in the driveway,
it was winter, in his big-ass truck.
279
00:25:35,843 --> 00:25:38,403
Sits there, spins the tires.
280
00:25:39,203 --> 00:25:42,283
We're freakin' out, cryin',
callin' the cops.
281
00:25:42,883 --> 00:25:46,883
I'm lookin' for Jax. He's under the table.
282
00:25:47,563 --> 00:25:51,723
He said, "Grandma,
I did what Mommy told me. I hid."
283
00:25:52,283 --> 00:25:54,243
"I hid like Mommy tells me."
284
00:25:54,323 --> 00:25:56,363
It broke my heart.
285
00:25:57,643 --> 00:26:00,083
That my grandson has to hide
286
00:26:00,163 --> 00:26:03,003
'cause Mommy's tellin' him
to hide from him,
287
00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:06,683
because he's gonna
hurt and kill his mother.
288
00:26:09,123 --> 00:26:13,283
It's painful to watch your daughter
go through that.
289
00:26:26,963 --> 00:26:30,443
It was just an always constant,
like, "He's watching me."
290
00:26:31,203 --> 00:26:34,283
Like, "He knows when I'm home,
he knows when I'm not home."
291
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:39,003
It's a lot of mind control
and a lot of… fear.
292
00:26:40,243 --> 00:26:44,363
I mean, it's always continuous,
non-stop calling, texting.
293
00:26:44,443 --> 00:26:49,643
He would, um… leave me voicemails
telling me he's gonna kill himself.
294
00:26:49,723 --> 00:26:54,003
He would send me pictures of, uh… nooses
295
00:26:54,523 --> 00:26:58,523
that he had hanging from the rafters
in his mom's basement.
296
00:26:59,563 --> 00:27:03,243
He told me that when we die,
we die together,
297
00:27:03,323 --> 00:27:06,203
and it doesn't matter
if he has to shoot me in the head first,
298
00:27:06,283 --> 00:27:09,563
that he will, we will die together.
299
00:27:12,843 --> 00:27:15,643
I always felt like he was
right around the corner,
300
00:27:15,723 --> 00:27:20,323
like I'm on my toes waiting
for him to just jump out of the bushes.
301
00:27:21,723 --> 00:27:24,363
And that's basically what happened.
302
00:27:29,923 --> 00:27:32,003
She wouldn't answer her phone. I…
303
00:27:32,083 --> 00:27:34,723
I'd get to the point where I'd go online,
304
00:27:34,803 --> 00:27:37,723
there's apps online where you can use
different caller numbers,
305
00:27:37,803 --> 00:27:39,523
this and that, different phone numbers.
306
00:27:39,603 --> 00:27:41,243
And I was doin' all that crazy shit.
307
00:27:41,843 --> 00:27:45,363
But she wouldn't talk to me.
So I went to her work.
308
00:27:57,803 --> 00:28:00,683
When she pulled up into her work,
I was sittin' there.
309
00:28:00,763 --> 00:28:03,123
I'd got there, like, two minutes
before she did,
310
00:28:03,843 --> 00:28:06,283
and, uh… I'd walked up to the vehicle,
311
00:28:06,363 --> 00:28:09,363
and as soon as she'd seen me,
she was just instantly scared.
312
00:28:10,123 --> 00:28:14,163
And for whatever reason,
that just triggered, like, anger in me.
313
00:28:15,843 --> 00:28:20,243
And it was just a bad scene at her work,
and the cops ended up comin'.
314
00:28:27,483 --> 00:28:31,723
The warehouse I was working at,
there wasn't a gate.
315
00:28:31,803 --> 00:28:33,563
Anybody could just go in and out.
316
00:28:36,163 --> 00:28:38,923
I had pulled into the parking lot
317
00:28:39,003 --> 00:28:42,363
and was grabbing my stuff
to go inside the building.
318
00:28:43,483 --> 00:28:45,923
There's a car,
and it's just sitting there…
319
00:28:47,603 --> 00:28:50,723
and he's running full force at my vehicle.
320
00:28:51,803 --> 00:28:58,323
So I'm trying to lock my truck
and call 911 at the same time.
321
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:03,883
By that point, he's trying to break
my driver side window,
322
00:29:03,963 --> 00:29:07,683
screaming at the top of his voice,
323
00:29:07,763 --> 00:29:10,203
basically that
he was gonna fucking kill me.
324
00:29:11,763 --> 00:29:15,883
He goes back to the back passenger door
and gets it open.
325
00:29:18,083 --> 00:29:21,923
I jump out of the vehicle,
screaming for somebody to help me,
326
00:29:22,003 --> 00:29:24,963
and I saw a man in his car.
327
00:29:25,043 --> 00:29:26,883
And I'm running to him.
328
00:29:26,963 --> 00:29:30,803
He's getting out of the vehicle, you know,
calmly asking me what's wrong,
329
00:29:30,883 --> 00:29:32,963
and I'm like, "He's gonna--
he's gonna kill me."
330
00:29:35,083 --> 00:29:38,523
At that point, John figured out
that I left the keys in the truck.
331
00:29:39,843 --> 00:29:43,923
So he's trying to come run me over.
332
00:29:50,083 --> 00:29:53,723
He figured out he couldn't get to me
without running into other vehicles.
333
00:29:53,803 --> 00:29:56,243
So he got back out of the vehicle,
334
00:29:56,323 --> 00:29:58,883
still screaming at me
that he was gonna kill me.
335
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:03,563
The guy tackled him to the ground
and held him there.
336
00:30:39,403 --> 00:30:41,763
After the police came
and arrested him,
337
00:30:41,843 --> 00:30:45,483
I felt relief like I've never
felt it before.
338
00:30:45,563 --> 00:30:51,603
He… finally wasn't able
to come and hurt me.
339
00:30:56,163 --> 00:30:57,603
Oh… I was free.
340
00:30:58,843 --> 00:31:00,763
I was free from him.
341
00:31:02,803 --> 00:31:05,283
I was free from all of it.
342
00:31:28,723 --> 00:31:33,083
Stalking, especially
in domestic violence in relationships,
343
00:31:33,163 --> 00:31:37,003
does not necessarily get the attention
that it should get.
344
00:31:39,883 --> 00:31:43,563
It's overlooked in the law
and how it's treated.
345
00:31:44,843 --> 00:31:49,603
It's a matter of "What are we going to do
to make sure that this behavior stops?"
346
00:31:53,563 --> 00:31:54,923
My name is Ali Friend.
347
00:31:55,003 --> 00:31:58,963
I was the lead prosecutor
in the domestic violence unit
348
00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:00,483
in DeKalb County.
349
00:32:14,443 --> 00:32:17,363
It's hard for me to know
what was going through John's mind,
350
00:32:17,443 --> 00:32:19,163
as far as why he did what he did.
351
00:32:19,803 --> 00:32:23,003
But I think he was just wanting to do
anything possible
352
00:32:23,083 --> 00:32:25,763
to regain control over Rachel's life.
353
00:32:25,843 --> 00:32:29,803
And if that meant taking her life,
then that's what was gonna happen.
354
00:32:33,123 --> 00:32:35,963
He brought a nylon strap
355
00:32:36,043 --> 00:32:39,683
that was fashioned in a way
that looked like a noose.
356
00:32:42,083 --> 00:32:45,523
There was several acts of strangulation
that had occurred
357
00:32:46,043 --> 00:32:47,843
while they were living in Arkansas.
358
00:32:50,043 --> 00:32:53,523
It seemed as though he was going
to finally follow through
359
00:32:53,603 --> 00:32:57,363
on his original threats when he used
to strangle her in the past.
360
00:33:18,843 --> 00:33:23,843
Aggravated stalking
is punishable by up to two to five years
361
00:33:23,923 --> 00:33:26,163
in the Illinois Department of Corrections.
362
00:33:26,243 --> 00:33:28,643
Or a period of probation.
363
00:33:30,323 --> 00:33:34,243
I believed that probation was not
an appropriate outcome for him,
364
00:33:34,323 --> 00:33:38,723
and I believed that he needed to be
removed and punished and sent to prison.
365
00:33:39,363 --> 00:33:43,923
So he was also charged with
aggravated driving under the influence.
366
00:33:44,003 --> 00:33:49,083
Because aggravated DUI, in our state,
carries the most serious penalty,
367
00:34:03,363 --> 00:34:09,523
It is hard to believe that stalking
is a lower felony offense than a DUI.
368
00:34:11,003 --> 00:34:16,083
I just think that nobody
wants to believe that it's that bad.
369
00:34:16,163 --> 00:34:20,443
But for a victim or a survivor
who's in that relationship,
370
00:34:20,963 --> 00:34:24,083
it is that bad
and one day could lead to death.
371
00:35:10,003 --> 00:35:12,683
I get letters
from John every day
372
00:35:12,763 --> 00:35:18,883
to the point where it is very odd
if I don't get a letter a day.
373
00:35:23,723 --> 00:35:24,883
We are not talking.
374
00:35:24,963 --> 00:35:29,123
I don't respond to him, and I just
continue to get pictures and letters,
375
00:35:29,203 --> 00:35:30,763
and it's just never-ending.
376
00:35:33,283 --> 00:35:35,363
It is very conflicting to get the letters
377
00:35:35,443 --> 00:35:38,243
and to decide whether
I'm gonna open them or not.
378
00:35:38,323 --> 00:35:41,963
But now, with him being in prison,
reading the letters,
379
00:35:42,043 --> 00:35:44,323
I know what's going on inside of his head.
380
00:35:44,403 --> 00:35:47,643
and it's easier for me to,
I guess, sleep at night
381
00:35:48,163 --> 00:35:54,763
knowing that he is apologetic
instead of… still angry with me.
382
00:36:10,443 --> 00:36:12,723
I've always
wrote Rachel letters.
383
00:36:12,803 --> 00:36:15,603
2020, I wrote her a letter, like,
every day, like…
384
00:36:15,683 --> 00:36:17,563
Or not every day. Every week, I mean.
385
00:36:17,643 --> 00:36:19,723
I'm not still that crazy.
Like, every week.
386
00:36:19,803 --> 00:36:22,003
Just to stay in contact.
And I know she reads 'em.
387
00:36:22,083 --> 00:36:23,043
I know she gets 'em.
388
00:36:23,123 --> 00:36:27,203
I figure, you know, if she-- if she wants
to turn 'em in and get me in trouble,
389
00:36:27,283 --> 00:36:28,883
then… then so be it, you know?
390
00:36:28,963 --> 00:36:32,723
If that's her prerogative and what
she feels she needs to do, then so be it.
391
00:36:53,963 --> 00:36:56,603
I didn't go to prison
and forget about my son.
392
00:36:56,683 --> 00:36:59,723
I get to talk to him on the phone,
and he-- he's funny, 'cause he's like,
393
00:36:59,803 --> 00:37:02,683
"I don't know you. I don't--
I don't know what you look like."
394
00:37:02,763 --> 00:37:06,563
I gotta remind him, like, "You do know.
Like, I was there raising you."
395
00:37:07,083 --> 00:37:09,403
"You know, you were…
you were two when I last seen you."
396
00:37:09,483 --> 00:37:12,803
"I'm sorry that you don't remember that,
but trust me, I remember."
397
00:37:19,723 --> 00:37:24,323
My goal was to be home by Jax's
fifth birthday, which was last Sunday.
398
00:37:24,923 --> 00:37:27,963
And, you know, I made it a week later.
399
00:37:28,043 --> 00:37:30,723
I go home next--
Today's Friday, I go home Monday.
400
00:38:00,163 --> 00:38:06,203
John's release day is coming,
and he wants to see his son.
401
00:38:08,163 --> 00:38:11,563
When John finally sees Jax
402
00:38:11,643 --> 00:38:16,683
and is able to, like, keep him
overnight or for the weekend,
403
00:38:17,203 --> 00:38:21,323
it is a concern that he will just run away
with my child,
404
00:38:21,923 --> 00:38:23,643
and I won't ever find him.
405
00:38:24,683 --> 00:38:26,563
That's always in the back of my mind.
406
00:38:29,083 --> 00:38:31,363
I'm hoping he can turn over a new leaf.
407
00:38:32,523 --> 00:38:35,883
But I'm worried about him
going back to the old John
408
00:38:35,963 --> 00:38:38,683
and coming to try to hurt me again.
409
00:38:41,403 --> 00:38:45,643
I feel that if he reverts back
to the drugs,
410
00:38:45,723 --> 00:38:50,483
that he'll feel that he doesn't
have a reason to live anymore,
411
00:38:50,563 --> 00:38:54,563
and then that means that he would be
coming for me also.
412
00:38:56,803 --> 00:38:58,803
I did obtain security cameras.
413
00:38:58,883 --> 00:39:00,803
I have cameras around my house
414
00:39:00,883 --> 00:39:04,883
to make sure
that he is not stalking me again
415
00:39:04,963 --> 00:39:08,483
or trying to tamper with my vehicle.
416
00:39:10,763 --> 00:39:12,483
He gets one chance.
417
00:39:13,683 --> 00:39:18,763
If he steps out of line one more time,
he'll end up going back to jail.
418
00:39:20,123 --> 00:39:21,203
That'll be that.
419
00:39:59,363 --> 00:40:02,883
You know, a lot of people like
to say that people don't really change.
420
00:40:06,163 --> 00:40:09,723
But if you're a person that's went
through some traumatic events,
421
00:40:09,803 --> 00:40:12,163
those shouldn't determine
who you are forever.
422
00:40:14,603 --> 00:40:16,803
I'm not the same person that I used to be.
423
00:40:20,283 --> 00:40:22,163
I just-- I'm ready to see my family.
424
00:40:41,403 --> 00:40:44,963
It's been two weeks since
I've been released and, honestly,
425
00:40:45,043 --> 00:40:47,163
I don't have a solid plan yet.
426
00:40:48,003 --> 00:40:49,603
Uh, I'm still working on that.
427
00:40:50,643 --> 00:40:52,403
My biggest plan is, right now…
428
00:40:52,483 --> 00:40:55,763
is just to get back
into bein' a part of my son's life.
429
00:41:12,603 --> 00:41:15,283
I'm ecstatic to be able
to spend time with my son.
430
00:41:15,803 --> 00:41:17,563
He's five years old.
431
00:41:17,643 --> 00:41:19,723
He's, um… he's full of spit and vinegar.
432
00:41:19,803 --> 00:41:23,643
It's just-- it's heartwarming,
you know, to see my son again.
433
00:41:23,723 --> 00:41:26,763
It gives me… gives me
somethin' to look forward to.
434
00:41:29,643 --> 00:41:31,763
With that being said,
on the days I don't see him,
435
00:41:31,843 --> 00:41:34,003
I get sad because I don't have him.
436
00:41:35,243 --> 00:41:38,043
Before all this started,
we were all one family.
437
00:41:38,123 --> 00:41:40,443
I had my son in the house
with me all the time.
438
00:41:41,163 --> 00:41:43,643
And now, here I am, a few years later,
439
00:41:44,603 --> 00:41:47,203
and I just get to see my son
a couple times a week.
440
00:41:48,963 --> 00:41:52,523
I wanna make sure that Rachel and I
are there raisin' him together.
441
00:41:55,443 --> 00:41:57,803
I don't think it's far-fetched that,
at some point,
442
00:41:57,883 --> 00:42:02,083
I would like to have my family back
together all in one household again,
443
00:42:02,163 --> 00:42:03,003
as a family.
444
00:42:03,603 --> 00:42:07,723
It's just, I think that it'll take
proof of action on my part
445
00:42:07,803 --> 00:42:10,883
to show that people can
grow and change throughout their life.
446
00:42:42,243 --> 00:42:46,803
Having John out of prison
is definitely… different.
447
00:42:47,923 --> 00:42:50,843
It's been a little over 90 days now,
I think.
448
00:42:55,843 --> 00:42:59,643
I know that John wants us
to be a family again…
449
00:43:01,683 --> 00:43:04,083
but you can't go back to the past.
450
00:43:05,243 --> 00:43:09,163
There's just too much scars
and everything's broken.
451
00:43:14,043 --> 00:43:20,203
Hopefully, John can stay sober
and stay wanting to better his life.
452
00:43:24,083 --> 00:43:26,883
And if John is willing
to step up to the plate,
453
00:43:26,963 --> 00:43:29,803
then he can be a father to Jax.
454
00:43:31,163 --> 00:43:36,403
I hope that me and him can become friends
for our son's sake,
455
00:43:36,483 --> 00:43:38,963
because every child needs their father.
456
00:43:40,803 --> 00:43:44,803
But he will have to change a lot
about himself
457
00:43:44,883 --> 00:43:47,923
and his addictions in order to do so.
458
00:43:50,563 --> 00:43:51,803
Only time will tell.