RAINFALL OUTSIDE
THUNDER RUMBLES
THUNDER CRASHES
Hup!
Hup! Hup! Hup!
HE GROANS
KNOCK AT THE DOOR Yes?
What?
Hey!
Hops! Hops!
Hops!
SHE SCREAMS
THEY LAUGH
Joseph!
Joseph! My God!
Look at you!
Joseph!
We were expecting Mama.
I persuaded her to let me come instead.
Even Ma could see this situation requires a delicate touch.
So she sent you?
Oh!
A butterfly appears to be trapped in your ridiculous hairdo. Stop it!
Stop it!
I won't take lessons in style from a man with holes on his elbows.
What are you wearing?
I always travel as Count Falkenstein.
You know how I hate to attract attention.
And besides, an Emperor only sees what he's shown.
Count Falkenstein sees the world with his own eyes.
What does he observe when he looks at me?
Your Queen's about to lose her crown.
You have to make an appointment. To visit my brother in law?
Don't be absurd.
Which way for the King?
That way. You can't just turn up.
Even I need permission to see him.
My God. No wonder you haven't produced an heir.
This is an Austrian ploy to seize the advantage in our negotiations.
Not at all. A visit from Vienna was expected.
By the Empress. And not until next month.
Count Falkenstein thinks he's caught me napping.
I'm always ready, Mercy.
Are you?
No!
We don't knock. Excellent!
We tap.
Toinette.
Stay.
Welcome to Versailles, sire.
May I present Count Maurepas, the King's mentor?
Excuse us, gentlemen. Family business.
DOOR SLAMS
Joseph. This one's big brother.
I am wet. It was pissing down all the way from Vienna.
Look at you.
We are cut from the same cloth.
Toinette, come and join us.
Come.
Now, what's all this nonsense about a divorce?
Isn't it time for you to kiss and make up?
It's too late for that.
Who is that Count Falkenstein?
He's the co-emperor of Austria.
Her brother?
Why doesn't he use his own title?
He prefers to travel incognito to avoid the fuss of state visits.
Isn't fuss the whole point?
The point is to settle his sister's divorce and send her packing.
Hmm!
May I present my family? No.
Let me guess.
Please don't.
Dignity.
Elegance.
Luminosity. Oh, wow.
Your portraits do not deceive, mesdames.
Hmm.
Ha! And here is the distinctive plumage of a bon viveur.
Your reputation goes before you.
Monseigneur.
You've done your homework.
Always.
And for my finale,
I hesitate.
I'm certain... Oh, but then I detect...
Oh...
Oh. The unmistakable aroma of a crisp young Savoy.
And the full-bodied opulence of a Comte de Provence.
Madame.
Monsieur?
Hmm.
Well...
I hope you will join us in Paris this evening.
Your musical maestro...
Saint-Georges? Mmm.
Saint-Georges is conducting his new opera.
Toinette.
Oh...
How can we put a stop to this?
We must face reality, sire.
Seven years and the marriage remains childless.
Even the Pope agrees that an annulment is fair.
Fine. Start the divorce negotiations.
But spin them out.
Buy me some time to talk sense into that dullard and my little sister.
To the opera!
Towel?
Oh, for God's sake, give me that.
Habsburgs. They're a cunning breed.
The Emperor may play the touchy-feely family man,
but all he cares about is expanding his empire.
He won't rest until he's occupied the whole of Europe.
This is where he's heading next.
Bavaria?
SHE SINGS
The libretto is woeful, but the score is sublime.
Mozart is right to be sensitive.
Your chap is the bee's knees.
I was about to appoint him my music master,
until Provence banished him from Versailles.
Your brother in law is a stuffed shirt, and his wife is terrifying.
Welcome to my life.
So tell me, what's going on with you and Louis?
Does he repulse you, beat you,
prefer his own sex?
We don't get along.
Do you want a divorce?
What I want is irrelevant. Not to me.
Louis has made up his mind.
So what? Are you going to accept his decision and run back home to Mama?
I don't have a choice.
Brilliant.
My God. Paris worships you.
You have something here, Toinette.
Fight for it.
I don't know how to.
That's why I'm here.
There are some things even you can't fix, Joseph.
Don't you believe it.
You were marvellous! Wonderful.
Hey! Are you all right?
What do you think you're doing?
Misfire.
Attempted regicide, more like.
You need an heir, and quickly.
DUCK CALL
Got it. This one's mine.
You're a good shot.
Shooting is simple for sporting men like us.
Shooting your seed, that's more difficult.
Seed?
If you want my advice, go for volume.
Volume? Volume!
You need to be on my sister day and night.
Shoot, reload, shoot, reload.
Wham, bam. Thank you, ma'am!
She doesn't want me anywhere near her.
Oh.
Shall we talk to her?
I have nothing to say.
I will speak for you.
Where's the Emperor?
He's engaged on other business.
What's more important than settling his sister's divorce?
He didn't say.
What's the point in doing this?
It's over. There's nothing to be done about it.
If your brother says he can help you, let him try.
Louis may change his mind.
Maurepas won't let him.
You know what? I will miss you when I go back to Vienna.
You are going nowhere, Antoinette.
Fine.
Ah. Marriage.
Marriage, marriage, marriage.
Aren't we here to discuss our divorce?
No, no. Let the pen-pushers toil over your divorce.
If the same effort had been put into your marriage,
we wouldn't be sitting here now.
Well?
Can you honestly say you have tried everything?
I think we both... No, no.
Not you.
You.
Do you make an effort with your husband?
Show him affection?
Entertain him?
Take an interest in his hobbies?
Does he do any of those things with me?
Men have more important matters to think about.
Isn't a woman important?
Of course. She is her husband's helpmate, his consolation.
She is his shelter, not a storm.
What if he is her storm?
Then she will draw on her reserves of feminine good temper
that make a wife blind to his faults.
You know what?
I must be a queer, crazy kind of wife.
Because when I look at men, I see...
No, no. Nothing but their faults.
Toinette...
Their pomposity. Sit down.
Their unwarranted, self-satisfied smugness,
their clumsiness, their obsessions,
their inability to show a modicum of love or tenderness to their wives.
You go too far, Toinette.
Yes, you're right.
It's a fault of mine.
It seems I have many, the greatest, greatest of which was my stupidity
to have been born a woman.
I should have been a clock, or a lock, or a horse.
Then...
SHE WHINNIES
Stop it.
..perhaps he would have taken an interest in me.
That's all my fault...
All your fault. That women are not important.
We don't even interest you.
If only I had a baby to play with.
Everyone is watching my stomach, looking for a sign.
Give me a child and I'll never trouble you again.
SHE CRIES OUT, MUFFLED
SHE YELLS
Apologise.
What for?
For being an ugly, unfuckable bitch.
HE GRUNTS
Oh!
HE WHIMPERS
Stop! Stop!
Apologise.
Apologise!
I'm sorry.
I could be as lovely as Helen of Troy,
but you still wouldn't want to fuck me!
HE GASPS
What lessons in marriage from a man who's buried two wives?
What pearls of wisdom can he possibly impart?
Who knows? But he has made things a thousand times worse.
Keep up the good work.
It's all leverage for the divorce.
What happened? To his wives?
The first one fell in love with his sister.
She expired of unrequited love.
And then the second one was so neglected
that she prayed for smallpox. And got it.
You should consider your future, Yolande.
When she goes, you'll be knocked off your perch.
Then you'll have to find some other way to support those men of yours.
There you are.
Rumour has it that you are about to get divorced.
To my enemies,
who can't wait to celebrate.
To you,
the only member of my French family who actually likes me.
You're mistaken.
I merely tolerate you.
When a ship is sinking, its flags keep flying.
Don't give your enemies the satisfaction of knowing they've won.
They'll know when I disappear beneath the waves.
You'll drown in the end, my love.
Now, the trick is to go down...
..in style.
Come on.
CROWD LAUGHS AND CHEERS
Some more champagne, please!
Hmm.
You came.
You said that you could help.
Oh, yes, yes indeed. Come in.
Where is she?
She's on her way. I'll speed her along. Sit down. Sit down.
CHAT AND LAUGHTER
SHE SHOUTS
CHEERING
Again! Again!
Why don't you join us?
Move.
SHE SHRIEKS
My brother Joseph, ladies and gentlemen! Come here!
SHE WHOOPS
Come here!
How dare you humiliate me?
How dare you humiliate the King?
Go in.
SHE LAUGHS
Well, I can hardly humiliate someone who isn't here.
You know the problem with gamblers, Toinette?
You think your luck will never run out.
Austria agrees to return all of the late Dauphin's jewels.
France agrees to return the Queen's dowry, minus her gambling debts.
Austria will not accept any deductions.
France notes that the Empress has tightened her grip
around her ambassador's balls.
I'd rather be manhandled by a powerful woman than
sit in the lap of a mute man-child.
That's one thing the Queen won't miss when she returns to Vienna.
Oh, you don't seriously think we'll be sending her home?
A prisoner of state.
You will remain in France.
But be deprived of your liberty.
In jail? Yes.
No.
Appropriate accommodation will be found.
I just don't want to go home.
Why can't I go home?
Maurepas considers you a security risk.
You know too much, Toinette.
I know nothing!
What will become of me?
This is a distraction.
There's no need for you to go there. I want to see it.
DOOR LOCKS
DOVE COOS
Shall we conclude the negotiations?
Later?
Dear God, what do you do at night?
Cross stitch?
Speak to me!
It hurts.
It hurts when he enters me.
Oh.
Oh. Well, that's perfectly normal when sexual relations begin.
Do you arouse her?
Yolande says...
..he's clueless.
You have screwed other women, right?
Oh.
Well... You must practise with someone who knows what she's doing.
A prostitute?
Why not? A husband does not stray if he loves his wife.
Isn't it the custom for the King of France to have a mistress?
Look at your grandfather. My father didn't betray my mother and I won't betray my wife.
The instructional items you requested, sire.
Thank you.
Your investigation...
Has there been any progress?
White doves no longer flutter around the corridors of Versailles.
I have hunted them into extinction.
And the perpetrator? Have you hunted him down?
He has fled.
And taken his venomous pen with him.
I expect you to find him, Beaumarchais.
I'm on the case, sire.
DOOR CLOSES
May I come in?
Yes.
Yes, of course.
DOOR CLOSES
Well...
You said a man who loves his wife doesn't stray.
Louis, this man...
The one who loves his wife, is that you?
Who else would it be?
So you do love me?
I have expressed my feelings in my own way.
Which I deeply regret.
And so have you.
I could have behaved...better.
So could I.
I am sorry for what I did.
No, you can't open that.
You can't open that, please. No? Why not?
Back to me now. What?
What is it?
It's nothing.
Let me see it.
I'm sorry but...
Why won't you show that to me?
Hmm?
What's in it?
Nothing.
Come on, let me see it.
Let me see it.
Oh...
Joseph is right. You should learn from another woman.
No, I don't...
It's our only chance.
LAUGHTER
You're besotted with her.
She's my friend.
The Queen of France doesn't have friends.
You're surrounded by parasites,
and she is the biggest louse of them all.
Look at her. She's having fun.
She's debauched, and she's related to Maurepas.
You shouldn't be discussing your private life with her.
That's not what I'm saying. Watch out, please.
Good shot!
Thank you, Joseph.
Perfection!
Sycophant.
It's called strategy. Try it sometime.
Start by ditching de Polignac.
Then what?
Die of loneliness? Aww.
Why don't you rekindle your friendship with Lamballe?
At least she's a princess.
If she'll have you. You treat her like dirt.
Let's hope she doesn't bear a grudge.
Hey! Hey!
What's wrong with her?
Stop!
I think she did do that on purpose. Sorry.
Stop laughing! Stop!
I've been a terrible, terrible, terrible friend.
Can you forgive me?
It's you who should forgive me.
I've been a terrible superintendent.
No, you've always been so good to me.
Always.
I'm full of sin, Toinette.
I will pray for you from my convent.
They should be honoured to have you here.
That family doesn't deserve you.
I know. What?
I know.
I'm going to arrange a musical soiree.
And you will sing at Versailles.
Me? Yes.
Why me?
To show them that you don't care.
In hasty response to your letter, Ma, I can assure you
that your fears are groundless.
Everything is proceeding precisely to plan.
There will be no divorce.
Mercy has got the measure of Maurepas.
The negotiations have ground to a halt.
The King is taking constructive steps towards consummating
his marriage with your daughter.
He only needs a little guidance,
but everything is in hand.
MOANING
I am confident that with a little patience...
Very good.
Almost there.
..we will achieve the happy ending.
"While the King plays away,
"the Queen performs cunnilingus in her lady's chamber."
Ah.
Are you going to celebrate with me?
Oh, come on.
Are you really going to let her rot in that convent?
You've been around for long enough, Mercy.
There are more unpleasant endings for a former Queen.
I won't drink to any of them.
Can we admit that you're beating a dead horse?
Oh, a dead mouse.
He's hiding from your hideous face.
Could you stop staring?
Does that help?
Maybe you're a soft man with a soft tool
who can only make babies out of soft furnishings.
Cushions.
PRIEST SPEAKS IN LATIN
HE WHISPERS
Have you been working hard at your lessons?
Can you tell? Yes.
How are you getting on?
Um... It's like learning to ride.
Just when you think you've got your balance,
you're instructed to increase the tempo.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Have you risen to your trot?
Actually, I have started to canter.
SHE GIGGLES
They seem very jolly.
Any reason?
I wouldn't know. She's been avoiding me.
Sister, sister!
An invitation from Lamballe to a musical soiree.
It's on behalf of the Austrisch bitch.
Oh! I had no idea.
LAUGHTER
We Austrians adore concerts.
Low-key, of course.
Herr Mozart entertaining the family with his famous ditties.
Doesn't France have someone who would give him a run for his money?
May I pass, please?
I am still the Queen.
Yes, but for how much longer?
I thank you kindly.
You do know it's them, not us.
Quickly, this way.
STRING QUARTET PLAYS
Isn't he magnificent?
This is an insult. Sit down.
No, I will not sit down.
Sit down.
SHE SINGS
Bravo!
HE HUMS
I threw Saint-Georges out. How dare he come back?
We invited him.
We?
My wife and I.
Which one's me?
The fat one.
And those little ones, they're my nephews, running in the sunshine.
Five sons?
Yeah, an heir, and two spares.
Joseph, one, two, and three.
Though number three is worryingly wispy.
What if I can't do it?
Do what?
Have sex with Louis.
Well... You know what Ma would say.
"Failure is not an option!"
Heirs and world domination are what we Habsburgs do.
So...
..where are you off to next, Joseph?
It's a mountainous region of little importance.
My second wife was a Bavarian princess.
She left her territories to me.
If they're already yours, why exactly do you want to invade?
No-one else seems to believe they're mine, least of all Prussia.
Anyway, I prefer to call it rectification.
Louis...
..can I rely on your military support?
I'll think about it.
Don't take too long, my friend.
In the meantime, you might want to do something about this.
The pavilion?
Ten minutes?
All right, see you there.
So...
We finally went in for the kill.
No more than we expected.
Now, all that's required is your signature.
Then we can say goodbye to Austria
and find you a suitable wife.
I think you'll find it's all favourable to our side.
Excuse me.
DOOR OPENS
Where is he?
He said he would be here.
What do you think we should do?
SHE MOANS
Oh. You did well, Joseph.
She has performed her duty.
Not quite.
One usually follows the other.
Not necessarily.
Shall we discuss Bavaria?
Not now.