Believe it or not, this is actually a love story.
Or maybe it's a story about finding your voice again
after you've smashed it so deep down inside of yourself
and made it so small and hard
that even you can hear it no more.
Well, maybe it's just a story about stories.
Now, this one, this is a really nice Banarasi sari.
It's got your classic motifs,
but with some modern touches.
Now, if I was a royal king of Rajput or something
and my queen came in wearing this piece of fire,
I'd be like, "Alright, now we're talking."
But then you could always go...
Kasavu.
You can never go wrong when you go Kasavu.
I mean, it's deceptively simple.
But I'm telling you, man, it is stylin'.
So, why don't you check them all out?
There's some in there in the back for you,
and see which one hits you where it hurts.
Okay. Thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Pushpa.
I've been testing out some new rhymes
You want to hear them.
Okay, cool.
They're still rough, but check this.
What's up?
What do you think?
No, no, you're right.
Need some work.
I don't know.
I don't know why it's not happening.
I know that ever since Rina broke up with me,
I ain't been feelin' it.
I know it was three years ago,
but I keep telling you, pain's got its own clock, yo.
Anyway, I'mma hit up the chat house.
Want a snack?
Dosa? Panipuri? Bhel puri?
Dahi puri? Chana chaat? Delhi chaat, Samosa?
Dhokla?
You don't want dhokla?
Suit yourself.
Hey, guy. Hey, little cos.
You chillin'? Chillin'
You chillin'? Chillin'.
- So? - So?
Are you gonna do the show or what?
What show?
Little India Cultural Show.
Auditions are in a couple of days.
You should try out. Yeah.
You know, I'm not ready to release these new rhymes.
I'm still rollin' them, moldin' 'em, shapin' 'em.
I'm in a process, yo.
Yeah. Yeah, I hear you, bro,
but like, sometimes you want to put
the process in a town square.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You're the one who told me that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
It's just...
I don't know.
I got to find me a new style.
Yeah, I feel you, bro.
So, what about you?
You gonna lay down at this thing?
Yeah, cos. I got this new track.
Can you come by the pizza place later
and give me some notes? Sure, I got you.
Cool.
Damn
Damn.
Sunny!
- Yo. - Hey.
Which one's this?
"Sunny and Salim," a Bollywood classic.
A pair of twins separated at birth.
One becomes a cop, the other a criminal.
Then they join forces to find their mother's killer.
That's the same actor, right?
He plays a double role.
When he has the mustache, his Salim.
When he doesn't, he's Sunny.
That's genius.
I-I think she likes me.
You think?
- Hi. - Hey.
Hi. Hey.
Can we move this along already?
Oh, yeah. The Great Little India Times.
It's a free newspaper. Never heard of it.
You should have, because it's great,
even though it's only a little.
We cover lots of social causes.
I'm the publisher and the editor.
I also write all the articles. I do a lot of stuff.
- Did you want to leave a stack? - Oh, my gosh. Can I?
Yeah, sure.
Cool.
And maybe one day, I can write an article about you too,
for the entertainment section.
Look what the wind farted in.
Mr. Juneja, welcome. Good to see you.
Please sit.
Did you see that? You see how we ignored me?
It's like it doesn't even know who I am.
I don't think he does know who you are.
I dated his daughter.
I went out for dinners with him.
How could he not know who I am?
- It was three years ago. - That don't matter.
You know how it really makes his money, right?
Yeah, the grocery store.
That's just a front.
He smuggles in uncertified diamonds.
You know what they call those?
Dirty diamonds.
What's he doing here, anyway?
He's sponsoring the food at the Little India Cultural Show
to celebrate his big announcement.
What announcement?
You haven't heard?
Heard what?
Uh, Rina...
- Rina what? - Yeah, Rina what?
Rina got engaged.
- Rina got engaged?! - Rina got engaged?
Why didn't she tell me?
She should have told me.
I got your back.
I don't know who Rina is.
Sanjay?
If it isn't the American born
confused loser?
I thought they sent you back to your village
so you could become a goat dung expert?
Oh, mission accomplished, bro.
You're looking at the number one rate officer of
excrement in the district of Ludhiana.
And, now, now I just come back to claim my prize.
What? You?
You're marrying Rina?!
What can I say?
The girl wants a future, and the future
is goat shit.
And I'm the GOAT of goat shit.
No way.
I'm not going to let that happen.
Are you going to try to stop it?
Yeah, I think I am gonna try and stop it.
Really, really? You're gonna try to stop it?
Absolutely! I know I can stop it!
Billu!
You don't come out and block me.
This is Billu. I brought him in my luggage.
You see, I'm a big shot now.
And you're still a tiny, tiny, tiny loser of a shot.
Let's go.
Billu, I said, let's go, huh?
I said go.
Billu, go to the car. C-A-R.
You're engaged to Sanjay?
- Maybe. - You is or you isn't.
So, is it or isn't?
What if it is?
You and I broke up three years ago.
It's none of your business.
Of course it's my business.
We were meant to be together forever.
Then how come we're not?
Well, because you never believed that I was
good enough for you, and your moneybags daddy.
You never believed you were good enough for me
and my moneybags daddy.
What does that mean?
You were so insecure.
Was not.
You was, too.
You were always testing me, making sure I knew
where the door was in case I decided to leave.
Yeah, and you did leave.
Because I got tired of waiting for you
to realize you might deserve me.
But you never realized, which meant you didn't.
That makes no sense.
Life makes no sense.
But still we persist.
But to that guy? The king of goat shit?
Goat shit or bullshit.
It's all shit.
And love is dead anyways.
You don't really believe that.
I can't believe she's doing this.
How could you get engaged to that guy?
What?
I said I can't believe she's doing this to me.
It's your own fault.
Oh, why is it my fault?
You're all talk, talk, talk, no action.
A woman likes a man of action.
Your father was a man of action.
Oh, yeah. So full of action he abandoned us.
At least he did something.
While you're a rapper who doesn't rap.
I do things.
It's just that since she broke up with me...
- Three years ago. - Whatever.
I'm just... I'm biding my time. Okay?
I'm in preparation mode until I...
Until I relaunch myself upon the world.
Well, you better do it quick.
You don't know how long you be here before your time runs out.
Look at your auntie in India. She's got bad valves.
They say she's going to die because she can't afford
the operation.
What? Which auntie.
Is it the Bengaluru auntie?
No, that's Kalyani auntie.
She's already dead.
Kalyani auntie lives in Chennai.
She's going to die because she can't afford an operation?
Apparently so.
What do you think so far?
What even is it?
It's a crown for King Ashoka.
- King who? - King Ashoka,
India's greatest emperor.
He slaughtered thousands of people,
then felt bad about it, making him Buddhist.
Why are you making him crowns.
For the histrionic society.
They're auditioning for the culture show
with the play about him. Shit.
I told Nikki I give her notes on her song.
Now there's a rapper who's actually rapping.
So hello to my niece.
Hey, guy.
What do you want?
Sign our petition,
and you get a free, sweet lentil bowl.
- You mean a laddu? - Exactly, a laddu.
What's it for?
It's a petition saying we want to reappropriate
this tract of land and declare it the independent
South Asian state of Aisetra.
Um, Aisetra is just Artesia spelled backwards anyway.
Anyway, Aisetra will be the chivalrous
51st state of America.
And we're going to build a palace on this land.
We've got the tools and everything.
No, I ain't signing this.
This is America, and I want to keep it that way.
What's up? You got culture shame?
No, but if I wanted to live in South Asia,
then I'd go live in South Asia.
What about a laddu You don't want to free laddus?
I don't like laddus.
These are my dad's laddus, sellout!
Yeah, they're her dad's laddus, sellout!
It's gonna pizza, it's gonna be a P
That was wild, cos
Thanks. You got any notes?
Maybe switch it up a little,
maybe add some different topics.
Yeah, cool.
Inspirational, though.
I feel inspired. Yeah? Which part?
All of it.
The get a life bit though, that resonated.
I throw that in just now.
Wow.
Loser!
Yeah.
I'm gonna get me a life.
You want to do what?
Reappropriate the wealth.
What does that even mean?
It means that it's not right
that people like Rina's dad get rich
while good people like my auntie are dying
because they can't afford an operation.
So, you want to break into a store and steal his stuff?
Just the stuff he shouldn't have.
Like those dirty diamonds.
And what are you going to do with them?
We're going to sell them, and we're going to use
the money to do good in this world.
Like getting my auntie some new valves
and getting you a plane ticket
so you can go to Bollywood and become an actor,
achieve your potential.
It'll be like that movie, "Sunny and Salim."
We'll be fighting bad guys together,
putting the world to rights.
Huh?
I'm in.
What are you doing here?
Walking my dog.
You don't have a dog.
Whoops There he goes.
It's alright. He knows how to get home.
How much you hear?
All of it.
And yeah, I in. I'll help you do it.
I'm all about reapportion.
Who said we even needed your help?
Oh, you do. You just don't know it yet.
I'm good at all sorts of things.
Useful things.
And I think you'd make a great Bollywood actor,
so you should do it, too.
How can you say no now?
So, that's it?
He keeps them in his office.
- How do you know? - Rina told me.
She says he keeps them stuffed in a jar
and then put in a pickle locked in his safe.
What kind of safe is it?
- And what kind of pickle is it? - I don't know.
You don't know what kind of safe it is
or what kind of pickle it is?
I don't know either.
- Neither. - Whatever.
But this is why we're here, to do some reconnaissance,
work the exits and get pictures of the safe.
But how do we get in to do the reconnaissance?
Oh, I know.
We go underneath.
Underneath?
We start at the flight control channel.
I jump in the river. I'm a really good swimmer.
I'm going to locate the underwater pipe entrance
and travel through the drainage system.
I'll be wearing one of those
locating tagging devices,
and you'll be able to track my progress.
I'll then reappear in the Cash and Carry loading bay,
and I'll be sure to be really stealthy.
I'll then don the disguise of a chapati maker,
including requisite chef hat.
So once I'm in, I can do all the reconnaissance required.
No, I know. You're right.
Where why would I even get a chef's hat from?
Also, the store opens in five minutes.
We could just walk in.
We still got to get in the office.
Well, I have an idea for that, too.
Mr. Juneja, thank you so much for agreeing to see me.
Who are you? What are you talking about?
We spoke on the phone, remember?
I'm doing an article for the Great Little India Times
for our community's most successful entrepreneurs.
I didn't speak to anybody from the Great Little India Times.
I've never even heard of the Great Little India Times.
Well, you should have, because it's great,
even though it's only very little.
Anyway, we want to know your secrets
for becoming a wildly accomplished,
successful businessman, man, man.
Well, I suppose I could give you a few minutes of my time,
and perhaps you could even write about the culture show.
I'm sponsoring it, you know?
I had no idea. Tell me.
Okay, she's been in there long enough.
You ready?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.
Remember, she said it's got to be big.
I know how to go big.
Sir, you can't do that. Get down from there.
That's not a stage.
Sunny!
Salim.
- Sunny. - Salim.
Double role.
God, he's good.
There is certain innate skill to be a successful businessman.
Something in your DNA, you might say.
In fact, you can say something about my superpower,
a certain sixth sense.
As a matter of fact... Oh!
What is happening over there?
What the bloody hell?
Ooh.
Oh, yeah. Flip that hair.
Oh, girl, you lookin' fabulous.
Listen up, get down right this instant.
- What's going on? - I-I don't know, sir.
I tried to get him down. Get down!
He isn't listening
Get down this bloody...
Out! Out!
Out!
Hey. The article? What about the article?
Oh, it's going to be great.
You've given me so much to work with.
You said you wanted a photo.
Oh, I got so many photos.
You get the pictures?
Oh, yeah.
She's pretty, right?
It's a combination safe.
So, we can't open it without the code?
Let's go find someone who can open it.
Someone with technical know how?
You mean like a malcontent engineer with time
on their hands and an ax to grind?
You know one of those?
Nope.
I do.
I went to IIT, the mother copulating
India Institute of Technology.
You know how hard it is to get into IIT.
No. Whatever you're thinking, exit by 20.
Oh, yes.
Now you're getting the idea.
The sacrifices my parents had to make.
They would spoon feed me while I studied
so I wouldn't break my concentration.
They would have clean the shit for my ass if they had to,
but I told them that was going too far.
Except for that one time.
At IIT, you are fighting against the best of the best.
If you fall, the other students will not pick you up.
Oh, no. They are fanatic head of the injustice system,
solid waste.
Every last one of them.
After I graduated,
I was offered a job in America.
Everyone wants to go to America.
So I got an H-1B visa.
I started working here, saving?
Then, I applied for my green card.
You know what happened? You know?
- Uh... - 10 cadaver
inseminated years ago!
And so here I am.
No visa, no job, a never arriving green card,
and an inevitable deportation summons.
And... is stale.
So, hell yes I want to rob some money
crushing diamonds.
Great. That's great.
And you know how to open it?
The safe?
This is it.
Okay. I see.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
First, I will need snacks.
Lots of snacks.
- They have to be extra tasty. - Yes.
No. Yes.
Too plain, tasteless.
Oh, very perfect, very yummy.
Too gassy.
Ah, two of those, and more.
That's it, more. Coconut.
Ah, yes.
These are going to work very well.
How are they going to help you open up the safe?
They help me concentrate, you fecal head.
But I'll also need tools, but no renting or buying?
We don't want a paper trail.
Do you have any tools? Huh?
Like, big mop bangin' tools?
No, but I know some people that do.
You want to do what?
We want to borrow your tools.
Why We let you borrow these bad girls?
Because we need them for a job.
Once the job is done, we'll make it worth your while.
How about we do this?
You volunteer your countrymen
to a series of one-on-one tournaments of chivalry
based on the ancient games Aisetra.
You mean Artesia spelled backwards?
Whatever. If you win, you get to borrow the tools.
If we win, you sign our petition.
What kind of tournaments?
Last dancing dancer wins.
My father's laddus.
Whoever eats the most wins the battle.
What? That's it.
Hey.
Are you going to finish those, huh?
Pros and cons of agrarian versus industrialized society.
Go. Oh, I'll go for this.
Let me start by quoting the World Health Organization
ending international economic moral support...
It came out just two years ago.
And how is the financial, health and societal
and rapid urbanization in relation to both nuclear
and extended family structures.
For the person...
In conclusion to my postscript,
which included my initial conclusion
for, I would have to say
I'm very much in favor of my postulation
from the aforementioned conclusion's conclusion.
So, I got to take on both of you?
What's the matter? You scared?
No, I ain't scared.
This is what I do. I'm a rapper.
I rap about stuff all the time.
You can start.
No, I'll let you.
Okay, then.
How dare you come here on this sacred land?
This Aisetra new soil and think you can be
A foil to this roving Singh band
Of merry men and kick ass women
Your blessed
I don't give you no condition
At times you walk and makes you beg
For your contrition
What she says is right
You ain't down for this fight
You come here With these fools trying to get
Our tools of empire building
While we horticulture our culture
So you go pack up your samosas
Before we comatosa
Before we comatosa your...
Yeah, before we comatosa your mimosas
Yeah.
Shit!
Ah, okay.
Now we're in business.
It shame we didn't get to show them how great you are
at that rapping thing.
Oh, yeah. It would have been ugly.
For them, I mean.
So, how long will you need to open it, the safe?
One hour.
Two hours.
Three hours.
Maybe four, possibly five.
That's we've got to go in at night when the stores closed.
So we got to break into the store, and into the safe?
Unless we get into the store before they closed
and then get out when they open.
You mean get ourselves locked in there for the night?
Exactly.
I love it.
I did a sleepaway camp at a dinosaur museum once,
and it was so scary, but really fun.
What about cameras?
They'll record everything and be able
to see who we are?
Yeah, that's true.
Then we have to be in disguises.
- Disguises? - Oh, did you say disguises?
That's a great idea.
I can make it happen.
Trust me, I'm so good with disguises.
Okay, then. We're doing this tomorrow.
Right now I got to go see a man about a God.
What do you think they're reversing?
- I think it's about King Ashoka. - I concur.
It's definitely about King Ashoka.
You know, he killed thousands of people,
felt like a monkey's sphincter about it
and then became a Buddhist.
Okay, you're finished.
That's it.
Oh, wait.
Oh, and flowers.
I have flowers.
Okay, now you're finished
I'm properly blessed, right?
- The best I can do. - Good.
Good, because I'm gonna need all the blessings.
- Okay. - Because, you know, ever since
Rina broke up with me...
Wasn't that three years ago?
That don't matter.
Look, the point is, I'm doing
something about it tomorrow.
Something big.
Okay.
But maybe I shouldn't do it.
Maybe it's kind of, like, dangerous.
- Okay. - Might get me in trouble
and stuff, and maybe...
Maybe I need to be told not to do it.
Do you want someone to tell you not to do it?
I mean, I'm not going to force someone to tell me not to do it.
If they think I shouldn't do it, then they should just
tell me not to do it.
Oh. You mean God?
He should tell you not to do it?
Yeah. God, whoever.
They should tell me if he cares not to do it.
God doesn't want or not want you to do anything.
It's up to you to fulfill your destiny.
But whatever you do, do it with a right mind.
With clarity. Ah.
And.
Is that what you're doing?
You're doing all this with clarity and devotion?
No regrets.
Okay, then.
If that's all God's got to say about it,
I'll be doing it then.
Okay.
But if God doesn't want me to do it,
this really is his last chance to tell me.
Okay.
Well, I shall finish my prayers.
Goodbye.
Okay, then.
Uh, good chat.
So, who wants to go first?
I still don't get why I had to be the old woman.
Well, he's clearly too pretty to be the old woman,
and I think you've got a natural propensity for it.
I really think this thobe is too big on me.
Yes, but you're doing all the physical work,
so I wanted to give you room to maneuver.
And you don't think this nose ring is too much?
It makes your eyes sparkle.
Really?
I can barely look at you.
You guys ready for this or What?
- Yes. - Ready.
- Yep. - Ready.
- Yeah. - Let's do this.
Can you hurry up? It'll take us an hour to get in there.
This is how my character walks.
You can do it in the store.
You don't have to do it now.
Hello, young lady.
What a pretty sari.
- Thanks. - The store will be closing
in 15 minutes.
You two head in the restroom.
I'll get Paru.
Yeah.
This way.
Wait here. I'll let you out later.
It's freezing in here. Hey.
My brain is going to shiver to the size
of your uncle's testosterone producing anatomy.
It won't be long, okay? Just keep out of sight.
I'm leaving. See you tomorrow.
Yes, sir.
Hello.
Anyone here?
Stores closing.
Snacks. I need snacks.
The drill.
Yeah, just as I thought.
We'll need the blow torch.
You sure you know what you're doing?
You think I got your mother's
for nothing?
Come out!
So much for II F'ing T.
This is worse than the immigration system.
Keeping me locked out.
So, no diamonds, huh?
How many numbers would the combination have?
Eight.
Which means there are 40,320 different permutations.
How did you?
Rina's birthday.
Ah, mango pickle.
Oh.
Dirty diamonds.
Why does it say for Rina's wedding?
I don't know. I don't know how he label his shit.
What the hell?!
What do you think? Turquoise or aquamarine?
Why?
What? Why what?
Why'd you steal them?
Steal?
Steal what?
My dad said somebody broke into his office
and stole my wedding diamonds.
So, why did you do it?
I didn't.
I didn't do it.
Well, it doesn't change anything.
I'm still going to marry him.
Wait.
Why are you marrying that guy anyway?
Because...
I know it can never break my heart,
even if he tried.
Oh, and by the way, if my dad finds out it was you,
he's going to kick your ass.
And if I did get my ass kicked, would you care?
I always cared. You were the one
who couldn't jump in all the way.
What if I jumped in now?
What if I was ready now?
Then you should tell me.
But not by robbing my dad's store.
You're not the one that's supposed to be stupid.
I don't know what all that diamond stuff was about.
Not a clue.
- So, we sell them? - Of course sell them.
Or donate them to the cat shelter.
Or not.
Well, maybe we just keep them.
But what about your aunties' valves?
And him going to Bollywood?
And appropriation?
And cash in the bank to compensate
for my never arriving addendum sucking green card?
Okay, whatever. I'm just talking.
The question is, who are we going to sell them to?
Gangsters. We have to find some gangsters.
Like Russian ones or Irish ones
or any other ethnic gangster group.
- You know any? - No.
I knew some gangsters at IIT,
but now they're working in Silicon Valley.
Why don't we sell them back to him?
- Back to who? - Rina's dad.
I mean, he'd want them back,
and he ain't going to call the cops
because they're illegal anyway.
I like it. It's a good idea.
We make him pay twice for his nefariousness.
And maybe he won't ever be nefarious ever again.
But he gets the diamonds back.
Yeah, but he still reappropriate
some of his illegal wealth.
I mean, that's why we're doing this, right?
It doesn't make sense.
Why would they take the diamonds
but not the cash, too?
Maybe it's because they're really stupid.
You're our expert on that subject, aren't you?
Thank you,.
You guys, I think these might be disguises.
Of course they're bloody disguises.
Catch eight-year-olds moving around like that.
Right. No, no, no. I was just confirming it for myself.
- What. - Sir, someone on
line two wants to talk to you about the break in.
Hello? Who is this?
Mr. Juneja, I need you
to listen up and listen up close.
What? I can't understand what you're saying.
I said I need you to listen to me.
Where are you? Who am I talking to?
That ain't the way this goes.
You listen to me and I ask the questions.
Unless I ask the questions, and then you give me the answer.
What is this all about?
It's about the diamonds.
We've got your diamonds.
Well, then you better return them to me,
if you know what's good for you.
Well, you can't have them back.
You understand what I'm saying? You can't have them.
Then why are you calling me, you moron?
To make you an offer.
An offer you better not refuse.
I don't know who you are or what stupid
accent you're doing.
He said my accent is stupid.
I like it. I think it's good.
It's so good.
Listen, we want $40,000 or we pass your filthy
diamonds on to the cops and tell them where we what we got them.
So, baseball field tomorrow, 11 A.M..
Don't be late, and just you.
Hey, wait.
I think I swallowed some Kleenexs.
Are you going to give them
the 40,000 American?
Of course I'm not going to give them 40,000 American.
I'm going to give them a beating that they'll never forget,
whoever they are.
Okay.
I think I see their milk wagon.
So we're clear, right? You get the money.
You bring it back here, and only then you take the diamonds over.
Roger that.
I still don't see why she has to do it.
I mean, it's kind of dangerous.
She's the one that has the best disguise.
It's true, I do.
I know, but still it's... It's okay.
I know we got each other's back.
Give me the cash.
Looks good, no? Almost looks real.
You're engaged to my daughter.
What else do you want? A bloody medal?
No, no, no, no. Just a kind word would be nice.
Now, listen, as soon as I have the diamonds,
come and grab whoever's there.
These won't mess with me again.
Got it? Mmhmm.
He's lucky to be having me as a son-in-law.
He's there.
- You good? - Oh, yeah.
Super good.
Hello, young sir.
What a lovely morning.
We can drop the old man act.
I've seen the security footage.
I know how nimble you are.
I'm going to stay in character, if you're not be minding.
I'm very committed.
Where are my diamonds?
Your money first.
Here. Now, my diamonds.
I need to check the paper, then I get your diamonds.
There you check. Now, my diamonds.
I need to check it properly!
Done.
- Cash first. - Diamonds.
It doesn't look like it's going that well.
- Show me the cash! - The diamonds, the diamonds!
Give me the cash!
Oh.
You're a very bad man.
Who are you? Huh?
Who are you?
Maybe we should go help?
I mean, he doesn't have the diamonds.
He said to wait until he had the diamonds.
Maybe we should just go anyway. No, no, no.
He might get upset, but then he might
get upset if you don't go.
So maybe we should just go
Go get her.
She needs help.
Give me the diamonds. We'll just give them back.
No, they don't get them back till we get the money.
Just give me the diamonds.
These aren't even the diamonds!
What?
They're pieces of costume jewelry.
I... I switched them out.
This is nothing like "Sunny and Salim."
Wait. You're not in disguise.
They'll know who you are.
- What about you? - Don't worry about me.
Okay.
Go.
We have to help him.
Fine then.
Get him in the car.
At IIT would say that this particular hypothesis
has been poked in the face and proved to be falsifiable.
You were here a few days ago making a big song and dance
on my checkout counter.
What is that about?
Tell him, tell him now.
Tell him! Will you tell him?
Tell him now.
Tell him, tell him. Tell him!
Tell him, tell him.
Fine.
And the girl from the newspaper,
she was here the same time.
Does she have anything to do with you?
Tell him. Tell him now.
Tell him! Better tell him.
Tell him. Tell him.
Would you like a soda?
How about a soda?
Yes?
A soda.
Take it! Better take it.
Drink it, yeah.
Did you guys see?
I think you're trying to force him to drink
some kind of truth serum.
We've got to get him out of there.
Any ideas?
Oh, yeah, I got one.
What is it?
- We go in through the roof. - The roof?
By way of a helicopter.
They'll never be expecting it.
We lay down some plastic explosives
in a really neat circle.
Or better get in the shape of a rangoli so it's auspicious.
The explosives are wired to a remote.
We press it, and it blows a hole in the roof.
Then we jump through the hole and rescue him.
No, you're right.
We don't have any rope.
Does anyone have a doable idea of how we can get in there?
You could always try walking in.
Unless you're really dumb.
So, these are the four idiots
who thought they could steal from me.
Now, even your friends realize
what an American-born loser you are.
You two acquainted?
He used to date Rina,
until she realized what a deadbeat he was
and dumped his ass and found herself a real man.
You used to date my daughter?
For two years.
I was in and out of your house.
I went out for dinner with you and everything.
You don't remember me?
I have no recollection.
But here is one thing I do know.
I want you to take this other idiot
my daughter is now engaged to...
- That's me. - And bring back my diamonds.
You mean your dirty diamonds.
What do you mean, dirty diamonds?
They belong to my great grandmother.
And the only thing dirty about those diamonds
where the four British soldier she killed
when they tried to steal them from her.
Hey, I'm just going to pick something up.
Hello, auntie. How are you?
You friend of Vinny?
Oh, yes.
In his dreams.
Mom, have you seen a tin in here
with costume jewelry?
You mean this one?
What happened to the stuff inside?
Oh, the pieces of glass?
I used them to decorate King Ashoka's crown,
and he sparked.
The King Ashoka?
It stuck on Ashoka's crown?
Uh-huh.
I can't take King Ashoka's crown, bro.
It's India's greatest emperor.
He slaughtered thousands, felt bad about it,
then became a Buddhist.
Looks like he's ready to hand it over anyway.
King Ashoka.
Please forgive me. Hey, Hey!
I can't believe you lied to me!
I brought you diamonds.
Go.
I had to fight King Ashoka for this.
I won.
He lost.
Well, at least we tried.
Tried is not good enough.
Not when you're back in the same place you was before.
Hey, it's not all bad.
My mother lovin' green card came in the mail today.
That's great. Congratulations.
Yeah, I'm very friggin happy for you.
But what about Zak here?
He don't get to go to Bollywood and achieve his dreams.
I cooled on that idea anyway.
I've got plenty of dreaming to do here.
You sweetheart.
Oh, and an angel investor told me he wants to take
Great Little India Times online
as a self uploading video portal
automatic blockchain, NFT, social media
sharing site for charity.
Yeah, that is great.
But my Kalyani auntie's heart valves are still shot,
and she don't got no money for an operation.
It was auntie.
I got that wrong, by the way.
Got what wrong!
It wasn't heart valve.
She was talking about the plumbing in her bathroom.
She needed some kind of new valves there.
But still pretty expensive.
Gave her heart palpitations when she saw the bill.
Well, she should be dying.
You all should be dying, like I am.
Dying.
Because Rina's still engaged.
Nothing's changed.
So, tell me.
What's going on?
I don't know.
But ever since Rina broke up with me,
I've been too scared to do anything.
And then when I finally did do something,
I didn't do what I thought it was going to do.
So, why do anything at all?
Sometimes the doing doesn't always reap
the rewards we expect.
Sometimes we gain and we lose other things.
And sometimes we have to ask ourselves
are we doing the right doing.
Or are we just do-doing it out?
Was being my dad just do-doing around for you?
Is that why you cut out on me and Mom?
I didn't cut out on you.
I'm still here. I'm still around.
It's just my focus is on higher things.
Maybe I needed some of that focus.
Maybe I needed you to see me so I wouldn't be such a loser.
I see you.
I see the eternal flame in you.
And in all creatures, and the plants.
But I ain't a goddamn plant, Dad.
The Chicken Tikka pizza's tight, huh?
Yeah.
Your dad knows what he's doing.
That's why I gotta sing about it.
He's an inspiration. Like you, Vin.
Me? I ain't no inspiration,
I'm just loser, like everybody thinks.
Yo, cos, you inspire me. You always have.
You're the one told me to find that
little voice inside me that's just mine
and make it big.
Because that's your heart's voice, you said.
- I said that to, huh? - Yeah, bro. Yous an artist.
It ain't easy to be an artist.
Take some dirt digging, and you got dirt digging in spades.
You think?
You just gotta believe you're worthy, bro?
It ain't easy when no one else believes in you.
I believe in you.
What about you?
Don't you got your audition
for the culture show tonight?
I don't know if I'm going to put up, though.
What do you mean you ain't going to put up?
I don't know if I want to be a solo artist anymore.
Hmm.
You need some backup, huh?
I need to find me a crew, bro.
Yeah, It's better when you got a crew.
You know what? I got you.
Cool.
Thanks for coming.
I'm sorry I lost it.
And I really am glad for you all.
I'm glad you guys found each other.
That makes you happy.
It does. Thanks.
And I'm glad about what you said about your newspaper.
You mean about it going online
as a self-reporting media portal,
automatic blockchain, NFT, social media
sharing site for charity?
- Yeah, that. - Oh
And I'm glad you finally got your mother lovin' green card.
Okay, but there's reason to swear about it.
And I'm glad we all did what we did,
even if it didn't work out because we did it together.
- Yeah. - Yeah, we did
- Definitely. - Together.
Together.
Anyways, my cousin Nikki and me is needing a crew.
So, you guys think you might be down for another job?
Here go your tools back.
And how many names you got on that petition so far.
How about us Samosas give you four more signatures?
Stylin'
Let it
Stylin'
I said I got you.
Oh, worth it.
Very nice. Thank you.
I think they did a wonderful job.
Yes. Yes, they did. Yes.
We'll see you at the night of the show.
Thank you.
And great costumes, Kamala.
And the next addition is Nikki Little Slice,
backed by her cousin, Big Boy Vin.
Oh, him again.
Boo!
This is an honor my dad's awesome pizza.
One, two, one, two, three, four!
You start with a pizza
You start with a P
You start with a pizza
You start with a P
You start with a pizza
You start with a P
Chicken Tikki, Chicken Tikki
Chicken Tikki
- Chicken Tikki - Chicken Tikki
Chicken Tikki
It start with a pizza
It start with a P
Jalapeno, jalapeño jalapeño, jalapeño
- Jalapeno - Jalapeno
You start with a pizza
You start with a P
You start with a pizza
You start with a P
Get a life, get a life
Get a life!
Well, that certainly made me feel very hungry.
We'll see you at the night
of the show, Little Slice.
Piece.
And next, we have Guru Ram and his sitar.
Actually, um, I... I have another song
I like to do with my crew.
Ugh.
Oh, okay. Very good, let's hear it.
Okay.
This song goes out to...
Well, she'll know who.
Should have opened up my heart
My heart
Give it every part
Every part
Should have made you the star of movie
My movie
If you give me one more chance
One more chance
I will be your final dance
Final dance
Put your name above the titles so truly
So truly, yeah
Should have told you long ago
Long ago
And now I really, really know
Really know
I want you no matter the weather
The weather, yeah
So tell me if I can
If I can
Be your new man
Your new man
'Cause I think that I am
Yeah, I think that I am
Your best old and new plan
And I-I-I-I love
Love you
Well, the boy is not afraid to make a fool of himself.
I'll give him that.
Fool is right.
That's, um, me too, I feel the same.
We'll be in touch.
Guru Ram?
Well, I mean, I put it out there.
- You put it out there. - You put it out there.
You might get knocked down, but at least you tried.
- At least you tried. - Trying's what's important.
Gotta try.
And we make a good crew, right?
- We make a good crew. - Very good.
Hey.
That was a really nice song.
Thanks.
Yeah.
It was in your style. I'm trying, you know?
Well, it worked.
Kind of honest.
But your eyebrows are a mess.
They are? Ah...
You really haven't been looking after them, have you?
Uh...
Not like properly.
Come in tomorrow,
and we'll see if they're saveable.
And I don't give those out to just anybody.
Ooh, free eyebrow trimming
That's a major score right there.
Yeah.
I think it might well be.
Mm-hmm.
So, what do you guys think?
Let's get some chaat.
I freaking love chaat.
Always down for snacks.
- Okay then. - Yeah.
- Let's do chaat. - Let's go.
Hey, cos.
You doing chaat? Yeah, we doing chaat.
Cool. I'm writing a song about chaat.
A song about chaat? How's it go?
- What is it? How's it go? - It's like...
Samaso chaat, samaso chaat, samaso chaat
Samaso chaat, samaso chaat, samaso chaat, samaso chaat
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Like I said, a story about love or finding your voice again.
Or maybe it's just a story about finding a crew.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely a story about finding your crew.
Definitely.
Wake up and it's Monday
Shit, Monday ain't my fun day
Boss on our ass, all we tryin' do is pass the time
Sit around with the homies unwinded
Just relax, bear in mind
Glass half full, one step at a time
Ain't in a rush, gonna get what's ours
Chillin' by the pool, man, happy in the hours
Don't know what's comin' my way
Could be bad, could be good
But in the end it's okay, see
It's about the moment right here
Gonna celebrate this woman right here
Friends and family by my side
We can do it all, man, nothing to hide
Let's live for the day, even if it's Monday
Take a deep breath in day by day
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
La, la, la, la
That was some wonderful picking Guru Ram.
We will see you at the night of the show.
- Thank you. - And the next addition
is a song by Pushpa, I believe.
Oh, Pushpa, you work at my favorite sari store, don't you?
I didn't know you were a singer.
In your own time.
Movie sold out, only rush line tickets
Lined around the block and in the show no crickets
Don't matter who you know, don't matter how you knock
Only way you're gettin' in is if you win, win, win
Because they want to hear our story
Time for us to take a bit of glory
Come along for the journey, hey
They gonna put you on a gurney
Lay it on the seat, man, film it like a Polaroid
Samosas on your timeline, this ain't daytime
It's primetime
Never seen it comin' but we're comin' up on time
The sun is shinin' and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we're flyin'
It's true.
The sun is shinin' and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time and we ain't declinin'.
We're up here, we flyin'
It's true
It's a better day, it's a brighter day.
It's a better, better, better, brighter day
It's a better day, it's a brighter day
It's a better better, better, better, brighter day.
Chana chaat, chana chaat
Chana, chana, chana, chana, chana chaat
Chana chaat, chana chaat
Chana, chana, chana, chana, chana chaat
Delhi chaat, delhi chaat
Delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi chaat
Delhi chaat, delhi chaat
Delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi chaat
The sun is shinin' and we're all reclinin;
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time, and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we're flyin'
It's true
The sun is shinin' and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we flyin'
It's true
Damn.
Sunny!
Sunny, Sunny.
Sunny!
Sunny.
Sunny!