Mary: Sports day today! You better fuel up, huh?
Adult mark: Sports day.
The worst day of the year for a wimp -
An all-day gym class.
- I can't eat. The thought of the whole school
Seeing me collapse in a potato sack
Is giving my butterflies caterpillars.
- Oh... Now, don't ya worry, mark.
We don't expect you to win a bunch of ribbons
Like your brother.
We know you're not gonna win anything. Just have fun.
Adult mark: Such confidence in me.
- Hmm.
Adult mark: I was not athletic but, in fairness,
I didn't have the best teachers.
- No shame in losing, son. [kettle whistles]
Pop: Kettle's boiled. - I got it.
- Mike, luv, I'm sorry,
But I can't give you a driving lesson today.
- What? Why? - [sighs] your father and I
Agreed to volunteer for sports day.
- What? - My driving test is on Monday!
I have no idea how to parallel park!
Somebody has gotta take me!
- Uh, I'll take you. - Oh no, that's you won't.
You don't have a licence! - I drive all the time.
- You haven't driven since confederation.
- Driving a car's like ridin' a bike!
- Uh, no offense, pop, but...
I think you're too old to drive.
Mary: Oh, sweet jesus, no. [kettle clangs lightly]
- Oh, too old, am I?
Well, you might be surprised to know
That I'm still spry enough to turn the... Whatchamacallit.
The... You know, the round thing with the barmy part.
- The steering wheel? - Yes!
That's exactly what it is!
Steering wheel, yeah. Well, that was a test,
And you, young man, are ready for a lesson.
Mike sr.: [mouthing] no, you can't go.
[fridge items rattle]
- You know what, pop? I don't think I actually need to know
How to park, so uh... You're off the hook.
- Dammit! I'm giving you a lesson!
I'm not too old to drive!
[liquid pours]
Mary: Pop? - What?!
- That's orange juice.
- Yeah. So?
That's what I want. Vitamin c.
It's good for gout.
[sips tea]
Hmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm. Mmm!
Mmm, mmm.
[loud gulp, clears his throat]
Don't you laugh. I'll see you in the car.
Adult mark: I was going to be humiliated
In front of the whole school, but it could be worse.
Pop: [coughing] jesus christ!
Adult mark: My brother was about to die.
[birds chirp]
Adult mark: All the parents came out on sports day.
Many were excited to see their kids,
Who failed the rest of the year,
Redeem themselves with ribbons.
And then there were mine. [car door slams shut]
- Are you sure you both have to come?
- [sighs] we got stuck volunteering, to be honest.
Mrs. Perez is like a vampire. Just 'cause she got bit,
She's trying to damn as many souls as she can.
Mrs. Perez: [shouting] did you bring any food?
[whispers] I didn't bring any food.
Fox: Mom? Mom?
- [low groan]
- Aren't you comin'?
- Oh, I can watch ya from here, sure.
- Please? - Ugh...
- All the other parents actually got out of their cars.
- Oh, that's just what I needs now, right?
To be hangin' out with the other parents.
- Mom, come on!
I'm gonna break the school record.
I'm gonna get all gold, I promise!
Woman: Sarah?! - Please?
Woman: Sarah! - Okay! I'm comin'!
Sister margaret: All right then. Uh... Mrs. Critch,
I have you and mrs. Perez at the refreshments station.
- Ooh... Exciting.
- Mr. Perez, I hear you work at the hospital.
You'll run the first-aid tent.
- Oh no, no, I'm just a technician.
I fix the machines, that's all.
- Hmm. Modesty is a virtue. - Uh, but--
- Mr. Critch, I'll have you run the pa.
How does that sound? - Ha!
Well, I'm more hard news than sports, sister.
Uh, yes, sister. Thank you, sister.
Sorry, sister.
[indistinct chatter]
- Surprised to see you.
Thought for sure you'd get off with so many health conditions.
- Enh. At least we're in this together.
What shall we lose at first? Long jump?
- Sorry, I got out of it.
- What?
- I'm helping my dad in the first-aid tent.
- [sighs] you gotta get me in there.
- Not without an injury. But don't worry,
I'm sure you'll hurt yourself.
Kids: [indistinct chatter]
- Ooh. I see your mom's here.
- Yeah. Why wouldn't she be, dork?
- I was just making small talk. I... Didn't...
She seems lovely. [pa system squawks]
- Mike critch, reporting field-side
At st. Bridget's sports day.
We now go live to sister rose.
[low mic feedback]
- When we think of sport, children,
We must remember the ancient romans
Had a sports day too. [bunting flutters]
Theirs was held in the colosseum.
When they threw st. Ignatius to the lions, he exclaimed,
"I am as grain of the field
And must be ground by the teeth of the lions,
That I may become fit to sit at his table."
So, today, have fun on this field.
Win your ribbons.
But when you pin them to your chests,
Remember the rivers of blood
That once flowed from the chests
Of the early christians,
Which stained the sand
Within that roman colosseum.
Father? [mic rustles]
Father handrigan: Let the games begin!
Mr. Byrne: [clears throat] kids: [cheering]
- All right, people, listen up.
Here is how the day will be ranked.
Gold for excellence,
Silver for losers,
And bronze for the also-rans.
And finally, the participation ribbon
Which says you may have showed up,
But you didn't "show up." - I'll take it.
- In 1965,
I achieved personal excellence
By winning five gold ribbons.
That is a st. Bridget's record
That stands to this very day.
Like me, it is unbreakable.
- I'm gonna break that scumbag's record.
Mr. Byrne: Ready... Break!
[shrill whistle blast, airhorn blares]
Kids: [cheering excitedly, indistinct chatter]
Ritchie: Break a leg. Mark: Hopefully.
[horn blasts] - ah! Horn works, that's good.
Oh... No gloves in the glove box. That's bad.
Now, the first thing you're gonna wanna do
Is toggle your gauges,
Adjust your seat, and uh...
You just make sure you've got plenty of room in the ashtray.
- Okay. Okay, pop, I-I get it,
But are we actually gonna drive?
- Slow down, b'y. We're gettin' there.
- [sighs heavily] pop, we've been here forever.
Please, just get onto the road.
- Look, the key is looking both ways
And then, behind you.
[car idles]
- There's no one behind us!
We are in an empty parking lot!
Please, pop, let me take the wheel.
You're too old to drive.
- All right, all right, cut your whining!
[gearshift clunks, horn blares as car passes]
Jesus! God!
[window rolls down] frig off, ya prick!
[engine rumbles loudly]
Adult mark: Like a cat on a motivational poster,
Fox was hanging in there,
Fuelled with the kind of stubborn
You only get from hating your gym teacher.
[stopwatch clicks] - okay. You won. You can let go.
That is a gold ribbon.
All right, that is a new school record
For the arm hang.
For girls.
The boys record is... 30 seconds longer,
And that is a record I hold to this very day.
- What?! I could have beaten that!
You told me to let go!
- Boys and girls have different physical thresholds.
There has to be a natural order, 'kay?
[yells] mark, you're next.
[apparatus thumps, mark inhales sharply]
- [relieved exhale] agh... [stopwatch clicks]
- [chuckles] and mark has set a new boy's record
For shortest arm hang ever!
[mr. Byrne's and kids laugh]
Adult mark: If everyone was going to laugh at me anyway,
I might as well make them laugh on purpose.
- Your daughter's doing very well!
- Yeah! Oh, she's great at sports.
I mean, not so much everything else, but you know.
Fox: Mom! Did you see?
I got gold!
I would've had the boys record too,
But mr. Byrne stopped the clock on me!
- Don't go showin' everyone up, now. Nobody likes that.
Well, sure, it's just sports.
I just don't want you gettin' a big head on ya, that's all.
- [quietly] no worry of that around her.
Mike sr.: Boys and girls club are selling chippers
And ice cream sandwiches for fifty cents.
- Why don't you go on back out there and I'll be right out.
- No, but-- - go on!
Did you have somethin' to say to me?
- Just gonna offer you a cookie.
- Chocolate chip. Go on!
- They look store bought.
- Gold. Congratulations.
- You're goin' down, old man. Suzanne: [laughing]
- Mom! Look!
- [laughs] oh, that's... Stop! Mike sr.: And the grade 8 boys
Are the victors in the tug of war.
Congratulations, boys!
- Hey. I'm gonna have to start calling you klondike.
'cause that's one heck of a gold rush.
Mr. Byrne: All right, bring it in! Bring it in!
- You see, the gold rush was a migration of sorts
Of prospectors to the yukon--
- Who cares about ribbons, anyways?
Adult mark: I wanted to go after her,
But fox was as interested in me as her mom was in her.
Fox: Mom! Mary: I think your little one's
Trying to get your attention there.
- Sports, baby! Yeah!
Uh... Huh, huh... - My god,
Some people don't mind their youngsters at all.
Mike sr.: Up next, we have my son, mark,
At the high jump! Just get it over with, son.
It's like ripping off a band-aid.
[shrill whistle blast] adult mark: I decided to compete
In my own version of the biathlon.
But instead of ski and shoot, I'd run and joke.
Mr. Byrne: Gimme that pole!
- Woo! - Give me that--
- Yeah! [kids laugh]
Woo!
[ghostly] ahhh... I'm a ghost!
Woo-ooo! Ooo... I'm a ghost.
Boooo... I'm a ghost...
[shrill whistle blast] - oooo...
- You are not funny!
Mike sr.: Attention, students! Due to rain, some of the grass...
- Sin. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Mike sr.: Nothing will be cancelled...
- That little fella's ruinin' it for everyone, if you ask me.
Not fit, I says.
[indistinct chatter] - 'scuse me.
You are making an arse of yourself.
- So? That's all I'm good for.
I can't do any of this stuff.
- How do you know? You haven't even tried.
- I'm sorry I'm not athletic! I can't change who I am!
- Oh, give it up!
Nobody is mad at you 'cause you suck at sports.
They're mad at ya 'cause you're makin' this all about you!
You could be the worst one on the team and still win,
But if you don't even try, well, then you're just draggin'
Everybody else down with ya!
Hey! [snaps her fingers]
I don't give a flying frig if you win,
But you are gonna try your best.
And if you don't,
Oh, you are gonna win a gold in long distance running
'cause by the jesus, if I catches ya, I'll kill ya!
Smarten up!
Adult mark: Like a mother bird kicking its baby from the nest,
Mom was a fan of tough love.
She was right. I was letting everyone down,
Including myself.
[shrill whistle blast] I was going to do it.
I was going to show everyone.
I was going to bring home the gold!
♪♪♪
[bar clatters, heavy thud] urgh! Oh!
[grunts]
Ow...
[pole knocks]
- Just, just leave it. Just leave it there.
[pole rattles] just, just... Go on.
Get. Get!
Adult mark: Or maybe a silver would be nice.
T]
Mike sr.: That red-headed girl is in the lead;
Boy-with-glasses is on her heels;
Girl-too-tall-for-her-age is keeping pace, and...
Lastly, my boy is in the rear.
Woman: Woo-hoo!
Man: Hustle! Mary: Come on, mark!
Parents: [clap and cheer] - I'm here to end you.
- You're welcome to try.
Adult mark: I really tried.
I tried like I'd never tried for anything
In my 12 long years on earth.
- Mark, there's a stack of participations over there.
Maybe grab a couple and save yourself the trouble.
Adult mark: But try as I might, I still sucked.
- [breathing hard] [shrill whistle blast]
Mike sr.: And there'll be a fifty-fifty draw.
If you want a ticket, please see sister margaret
By the bathrooms.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hi. - Hi.
- Uh, um... [ice rattles in cooler]
Juice?
All right. [light pats]
I hope this helps.
- [sharp pained inhale] - oh, sorry.
Sorry.
[laughter, indistinct chatter]
- Hey.
Congratulations.
It's pretty cool to see.
You're really gonna break that record.
- Thanks.
[indistinct chatter] kid: All right, come on.
- Glad somebody cares.
How are you holding up?
- Embarrassed, winded,
Hurting inside and out, [sighs]
But I, I kind of, almost, had fun that time.
Mr. Byrne: Mike! Kick it back!
Just kick the thing!
Woman: Keep going! - [hard kick] whoa!
[hard thud] - oh!
- [gasping for air]
- He's fine. Just got the wind knocked out of him, that's all.
Adult mark: Getting the wind knocked out of you
Was one of those injuries that only ever happened in childhood.
Like getting a stitch. Ritchie: Mark!
I knew you'd make it! I'll grab you a soda.
- Uh, don't go!
My leg still hurts.
- Oh. Sorry.
Relax. You can give up now.
- [sighs heavily] [ice rattles]
Adult mark: My chest was as bruised as my ego,
But I finally had an honourable discharge.
But my mother's glare was colder than any pop can.
I knew what I had to do.
[can rolls in the ice] - hey!
Where ya goin'? - I'm gonna win a ribbon.
[horn blares] - asshole!
What the hell's his problem?
- Pop, you're not even goin' 30.
Please, it's my lesson, just let me drive.
- You think I'm too old to drive, don't ya? Hmm?
Ah, thank god I'm not sharin' a room with you.
Probably wake up in the middle of the night
To find you standing there with a pillow!
- Don't get mad, but...
Your eyesight just isn't what it used to be.
- And what do you know about getting old?
Everybody babying you!
Everyone telling you what you can't do!
- Hey, pop, I, I think you're going too fast.
- You think I like to drive? I hate driving!
You know what I hate more than bloody well driving?
Is people telling me I can't bloody well drive!
- Pop! You gotta slow down! [police siren wails]
- Oh! Oh shoot! God! Oh my god, the pigs!
Oh! What am I gonna do?
- Pull over! - Oh jeez...
[grunts]
[sighs] I'm an old fool.
Now, they're gonna take my licence.
I'm too old to drive. [siren wail gets louder]
[siren stops wailing] I'm just too old.
[sighs] dammit! [police door clicks opens]
[door bangs shut]
- Ah, young mike!
Takin' him out for a few lessons are ya, pat?
- Well, he won't listen to me.
Maybe you'll listen to officer butt, here.
Ah, he's too timid.
Not quite ready for the road.
Bit of a nervous nelly,
Just like his father. [pop and officer butt chuckle]
Oh, damn kids today, they just don't know how to drive.
- That true?
- Yes, officer.
Sorry, I'm just a little nervous is all.
- All right. I'll let you off with a warning.
Stick to the side roads,
And listen to your grandfather! [hard pats]
Both: [chuckling] - yes, sir.
- Um... Well, thanks. I, I, I...
- Hey, don't mention it.
You wanna switch back? - No, no. Uh...
I think you're ready.
[birds chirp, pop chuckles softly]
- Mom! I tied mr. Byrne for the record,
But three-legged race is next!
They didn't have that when he went here.
I'm gonna beat him! - It'll all be over then,
Will it? Good. - Uh--
- I'll bet you got a medal. [laughs] go on!
- How are ya there, paul?
Lisa not here today? Nah, I 'spose not -
Her eight-months pregnant and all.
She's probably at home, right?
Well, you should go watch
Your youngster there now, [button pops]
Or else you might have to watch your back.
[indistinct chatter]
Button up, now. [whistle blows in the distance]
[distant laughter and chatter]
I know that I should probably mind my own business,
But for some reason that little girl,
She just thinks the world of you.
And all she wants is for you to...
Show some kind of interest in her.
- You're right.
You should mind your own business.
My love, come on now.
Let's go! We don't wanna miss anything!
Adult mark: All eyes were on fox.
This was history in the making.
- [shrill whistle blast]
Last event: Three-legged race.
- I'm gonna beat your ass, old man.
- [chuckles] that's cheating.
We didn't have that in my day. It's not fair.
- You already cheated.
You wouldn't let me go for the boy's record!
- Okay.
You wanna compete with the boys?
Good.
This event will be co-ed.
The winners gets two gold ribbons!
[shrill whistle blast] pair up!
Uh, ritchie and tina.
Gary and avery.
Fox and mark.
Adult mark: Mr. Byrne was determined
To protect his record with the most devastating tool
Of sabotage he could find... Me.
R.: And now a first-time event
In sports day history at st. Bridget's:
A mixed doubles three-legged race -
The ankle twister, the hobbler, the equalizer.
Good luck all!
- Better not wreck this for me.
- Hate to say this, but I'm pretty sure I will.
[shrill whistle blast]
[inspirational music plays]
♪♪♪
Adult mark: Everyone loves an underdog.
Even our mothers had put aside their differences.
The louder they cheered, the faster I went.
It was as if nothing could stop us.
- [low slow-motion voice] come on!
Adult mark: Then I did.
- [distantly] aggggghhhhhhhhh!
- [low slow-motion voice] oh, for... Noooo!
Come on, fox!
[lawn rustles]
- Oh! Go on without me!
Fox: I can't, idiot!
- [low slow-motion voice] come on! Come on!
[low slow-motion cheering]
Woman: Get off, get off!
[fox grunts, whistle blows, cheering and clapping]
- Third place for my boy! A complete shock for everyone!
[cheering and clapping]
- [panting] we won! - We lost, dumbass.
- But... We won third!
- Still got it! All time sports day greatest!
[laughing] the greatest, you hear me?!
Adult mark: Mr. Bryne had peaked in junior high
And he spent decades hanging onto those past glories.
Luckily, that was one record
That fox was not going to break.
That sports day, she won the prize she really wanted.
- Oh... - I'm sorry.
I wasted your time. I didn't break the record.
- I saw all o' that, my ducky, and you were awesome.
Oh...
You're always a winner in my books.
Sure, look at all the gold on ya.
You got more gold than mr. T. [chuckles]
- I got my first real ribbon!
- Third place. - Seriously?
So, there were only three of you in the race?
- Hey.
[hands clap lightly, light pat]
- So? How was he?
Pop: He almost got a ticket,
But I talked the cop out of it.
- [gruff chuckle]
[light pats]
Adult mark: That day, I learned that you never really lose
Unless you quit,
And that with the right people on your side,
Losing can feel an awful lot like winning.
♪♪♪