Adult mark: My father and I didn't play hockey
Or fix cars to bond.
We read the paper. [papers rustle]
- The old man was his own search engine.
- Oh, hell of an article here about the feds. Scissors.
Adult mark: He had stacks of newspaper clippings
That he would reference to write stories.
I, too, mined the headlines for fodder.
- [chuckles] hell of a good joke in this drabble cartoon.
Scissors?
Adult mark: Mom and pop got the news in a different way.
Mary: Oh, jean got a cab to work today. Hmph!
I heard she had a date with an oil rig worker.
I bet she left her car downtown last night,
And we all know what that means.
- Hey, mail truck stopped at the o'connors.
What's the date? 5th? - Mm...
- It's not the old age pension.
Ah... Welfare cheques are out. [chuckles]
- Poor john o'conner's been out of work for months.
He says it's his leg, but you know what I heard?
It's his elbow. - Hmm. [chuckles]
- Hey, mark, stop playing with your father.
You need to start practicing for your school play audition,
Hmm? - Audition?
What play are you doin'? - It's the easter carol.
It's the story of the resurrection, told--
- Through the eyes of the innkeeper
Who catered the last supper.
[laughs] they're still doin' that.
- You know it? - Know it? I was in it!
I played hamar, the innkeeper.
My teacher said that I was spectacular.
- Yeah. You were a spectacle, you mean.
That play was god awful. [mail thumps]
- What part are you trying out for, mark?
- Hamar, the innkeeper.
- [loud thud] same part! [paper thumps lightly]
I could help you to your run lines.
That's what we actors call rehearsing.
Adult mark: The old man was interested in me!
This was unprecedented.
- That'd be great.
- Chip off the old block. [paper flaps]
Pop: Oh, they're not cheques!
Oh no, it's a package! - What?
Now, why on earth would they be gettin' a package?
- Oh, well, mary, make us a cup o' tea, luv.
Looks like I'll be eating at the window today.
- First thing you gotta know, acting is pretending.
You might hear people say that acting is listening.
Don't listen, 'cause that'll throw you off.
- So, that's a table for thirteen, no reservation,
And you all wanna sit on one side?
Well, I'll see what I can do, but I'm, hmph,
I'm no miracle worker!
- Good! Good! Although try it a little louder!
You really ha' to project to your audience.
Pretend that there's a deaf old man in the back of the room.
- What? - Nothing.
Now, stand with your feet at quarter to and quarter after
To open yourself up for your audience.
And it's always a good idea
To address your audience with a little wave.
Say, "hello, audience!"
- Hello, audience! Goodbye, moron!
This play has always sucked. [footsteps recede]
- Never listen to the critics.
Don't mind him. He's just jealous.
We never had a special bond like you and I have.
- [sighs happily]
- I'm so proud of you, son,
And I know you're not gonna let me down.
Now, get in position,
Shoulders back,
And... Hello, audience!
- Hello, audience!
- Very good. - Oh.
- Feel the magic in the air?
- Yeah. - That's show business.
- [exhales sharply, then chuckles]
- Oh, your timing's off by a good five years, my luv.
Well, yes, I'm sure. Elizabeth critch died in--
- [panicked] dear god! Give me that!
Yes, hello? Uh, yes, this is patrick critch.
You were speaking to my wife, elizabeth.
Sadly, her mind has gone.
I know, luv, I know. It's a very sad situation,
But as you can see, she's very much alive...
[cord rattles, struggling grunts]
And stronger than she would appear.
Yeah--oh, oh, oh my god!
She's wandering towards the highway, I better go!
[handset clanks with force]
- Nanny is dead. - [grunts]
My darling elizabeth will always live on
Close to my heart.
More specifically, her pension will also live on
In my bank account,
Because I didn't report her as dead.
- Oh my god! - Oh, what's the big deal?!
The government ha' got plenty of money.
They didn't notice... Until recently.
- Is this the first time the cra has called here?
- Yeah-- what do you mean, today?
- Jesus in the jungle!
You will put an end to this,
Or I will reunite you with your wife
Sooner than you thought!
[footsteps recede]
♪♪♪
[plastic hockey sticks thwap]
Adult mark: In the gymnatorium, the nerds and the jocks
Were forced to walk the line between sports and art,
As if they were walking a tightrope.
Which, come to think of it, [players yell]
Is itself both a sport and an art.
[sticks thwap, shrill whistle blast]
- Would you kindly keep your balls to yourself
And away from my stage?
Mr. Byrne: Wha-- your stage?! This is my gym!
This is st. Brigid's.
Ball hockey is a religion! - Ugh!
- And my b'ys need practice just as much as your girls -
And mark and ritchie. [shrill whistle blast]
- What part are you trying for? Hamar? Casca?
- Stage manager! Or maybe props master.
Is it better to be a manager or a master?
- It's better to be a star!
You could try for casca the centurion?
It's only one line, but you'd be onstage
For almost the whole show.
- Nah, you're the actor.
I bet you get the lead;
You can really work a crowd. - I'm sure there's plenty
Of kids who'll give me a run for my money...
[shrill whistle blast] but thank you.
[ruler thwaps loudly]
- Tina, why don't you start us off?
[shrill whistle blast, indistinct chatter]
- [quietly] "sorry, centurion.
There are no... Free refills."
[shrill whistle blast]
Adult mark: Oh, tina.
I guess her dad never told her about the deaf old man.
[shrill whistle blast]
This was a lock.
- Oh! Anything for me? - Uh... Let me check.
Bills... [mail rustles]
Magazine for mom. - Mm-hmm.
- And cpp for you and-- - what?!
- Elizabeth critch. - Give me that!
- Grandma? - What do you read my mail for?
That's a federal offense! - You asked me to.
- Aye, well, why aren't you at school?
Ah, you-- go on with ya
Before I rat you out for being on the pip.
- You're welcome.
- What are you goin' on about?
- Nothing!
[marching band music plays]
- What fresh hell is this?
♪♪♪
[shrill whistle blast]
Lovely, dear.
[shoes squeak, players grunt and yell]
Who's next? Mark.
[piano intro plays]
[players shout, sticks thwap]
- Centurion! I recognize the man you describe!
He's upstairs with a dozen of his friends.
Cheap bunch.
They ordered one fish, a loaf, and a jug of water,
And want thirteen different bills.
Go on in! Get those bums out of here!
Adult mark: And the oscar goes to...
- It's nice, mark.
Adult mark: Nice?! I killed it!
She was probably downplaying it
So the other kids wouldn't feel totally inferior.
[hard whack, ball thuds] - ow!
[everyone laughs]
- That's it! I warned you. - Ow!
- Your ball is mine now, byrne!
- Hey, I need that to finish the game!
- And I need more kids for this play.
Whoever shot this ball is in the play
Or you're not getting your ball back, sir.
- Yeah, sure, sounds fair.
Go on, fox. - No way! I'm the best player!
- Now!
[stick clatters] - you're dead for this, critch.
- You're the one who hit me!
- Come on, up you go.
[players chuckle]
[script rustles] - move!
[indistinct chatter]
[dramatic music plays]
- [readying exhale]
[angrily] they're just poor men!
Why should I have to serve them?
When do I get a break?!
Someone should serve me!
[dramatic music swells, then fades]
- [gasps] the intensity!
Bravo!
[hands clap lightly]
[stunned laugh]
- She's amazing.
- It was a little big.
- What about you, ritchie?
- Oh, rit-ritchie's more of a props guy.
Heart of gold, but he isn't an actor like me.
- Oh, he isn't, is he?
- He's just not cut out for stage work.
He's a behind-the-scenes guy.
Heart and soul of the operation.
- I've made my decision.
Fox will play the innkeeper's wife
And ritchie will be hamar, the innkeeper.
- Me? - Him?!
But he didn't even audition!
- Well, maybe he would have
If you had been more supportive, mark.
Or should I say, casca the centurion.
- Casca?! But... He only has one line
And it... It's terrible.
- Well, that will give you more time
To learn a lesson about humility.
[chair scrapes back] - so I'm, I'm doing this now?
- Yes.
Adult mark: Humility... Or humiliation?
[rock music plays]
♪♪♪
[door clicks open and bangs shut]
- So... [chuckles excitedly] how'd the auditions go?
- Uh, mm... Okay, I guess.
- Better than okay, I hope, after all that coaching.
So, did you get it - hamar?
- Actually, [sighs] I...
Adult mark: I wanted to be an actor.
- I'm... Yes, I'm... I'm hamar!
- [excited] hamar! Ha-ha!
Adult mark: And after all,
What is an actor but a glorified liar?
- Like father, like son! - Hmm.
Adult mark: If only sister margaret
Had seen that performance. [lunchbox thumps]
O: ♪ anything is possible ♪
[cars rumble past]
♪ I believe it's true
- Mary, look at the way he carries that plate.
Such authenticity!
I really feel like I'm in a restaurant.
- Yes, I can see by the way you expect to be served.
- Do I have to go to this play? - No!
Uh, the arts aren't for everyone.
In fact, all o' you can skip it if you want.
- [snorts softly] - great!
I'm going to the movies. - You'll do no such thing!
Your brother is starring in a theatrical production.
- Dad, it's really not that big a deal.
- It is to me.
We are all gonna go see that play,
And I don't wanna hear another word about it,
Understood? Both: Yes.
Radio: ♪ always look on the bright side ♪
♪ and take a happy sound
[phone rings, running footsteps]
[handset clatters] - good day. Critch residence.
[gasps] elizabeth critch? - Hey.
- She can't come to the phone. She's lying down.
One might say... She's dead to the world.
Oh, I see. Yes.
Thank you. [handset clicks]
- [hands tap] I owe you, mary.
'course, I won't be able to pay you
Until the next cheque comes.
- They wanna talk to her.
- What?! - That's right.
The cra needs to confirm her identity
And they're gonna call back tomorrow.
- Sweet jesus!
What am I gonna do? - Oh!
Well, I for one, cannot wait to find out.
[handset rattles roughly] - ugh.
Uh... Uh...
I mean, I... I have an idea,
Because you know how much elizabeth loved you.
- Yes.
- I mean, she told me many times you were her favourite.
- Mm-hmm. - I mean, really loved you.
So perhaps... I mean...
I think you'll agree to this, it would be very simple if...
You pretend to be elizabeth. - Oh, pop!
- Oh, no, no, no. No, I-I-I-
I swear, I swear,
I'll report you -
I mean, her dead next week.
You have my word on it.
- Now, ritchie, I hope you've memorized your lines.
You're our little star.
- Don't worry, sister.
My dad's been helping me learn them.
- Oh, he must be very proud.
Adult mark: As ritchie's love of the stage grew,
Mine faded like a broken spotlight.
Sister margaret: Action!
- [woodenly] there you are, dear wife!
How goes it in the party room?
- Not great, hamar.
They're all sitting on the same side of the table.
- That table should seat twenty-four!
We need the space,
It's thirsty Thursday!
Adult mark: Ritchie was so bad
That even sister margaret was having trouble
Believing in the bible.
- So... What'd you think?
- Uh... Very interesting choices.
I mean, I... I wouldn't make them myself,
But who cares what everyone else thinks, right?
- Was it that bad?
[marker squeaks]
Maybe you should just do it then.
Adult mark: Time to steal the spotlight!
- I guess. I mean, if you told sister margaret
You really, really don't wanna be hamar,
I... Could do it.
You could still do props!
It's a win-win.
Fox: Sister!
Mark's trying to get ritchie to drop out and do props.
- That's a lie! Adult mark: That was the truth.
- Since you seem to be having trouble learning humility,
I'll help you: You're out of the play altogether.
- Uh, I need to learn that humility stuff.
Kick me out, too, sister!
- Please, I'll do anything!
- Okay, you can do the job
You're so anxious for ritchie to do:
Props.
Now, ritchie, let's take it from the...
"no shoes, no service" foot washing scene.
- I like that scene.
- And this time, don't be afraid to act.
- [woodenly] no shoes, no service.
Sister margaret: Jesus, mary, and joseph.
[car rumbles] mike sr.: Come on, will ya?!
The play starts in half an hour!
What's the hold up?! - I waiting for a phone call,
But... [sighs] I guess we'd better go.
- [yelling] mike, get in the car!
[phone rings]
[running footsteps]
- Name? - Elizabeth critch.
- Birthday? - June 29th.
- Really? I wasn't even in the ballpark.
- I don't think I can do this. - Yes, you can!
Nobody better at talking about other people than you!
You were born for this moment. [phone continues ringing]
[handset rattles] - hello?
[clears throat] yes, this is elizabeth critch.
Well, of course I'm alive! Doesn't it sound like it?
- Yes, yes!
June 29th, 1908. I remember like it was yesterday.
[giggles lightly]
Oh, don't go telling anyone [gasps] my age
Because I still get carded at the liquor store
When the light is right. - [laughs quietly]
- Oh! Oh, I'm feeling feverish. - What?
Oh, I'm having... [gasps] trouble breathing.
[gasps for breath] oh, there's a light
And a tunnel - daddy, is that you?
I am going to the light now, bye!
[handset clangs loudly] - wha--
- I guess that's it. [phone rings]
Hmm? - Mm...
[handset rattles] hello? Yes.
This is he.
Oh, my wife, uh... Passed.
So don't send anymore cheques...
Unless... Elizabeth, are you rallying?
- [hard slap] just-- - no, no, no, um...
Dead as a dodo.
Yes, well, have a nice day.
[handset clicks]
Why bother going to the theatre?
- [laughs] - I... I mean that was...
The best acting I ever saw in this town
Was that tonight. - [laughs]
- That was brilliant.
[laughs goofily, horn blasts outside]
Off you go.
- Aww, aren't you coming?
- No. No,
I have someone I need to see.
Mm. [chuckles softly, then sighs]
[door bangs shut]
♪♪♪
Adult mark: Opening night.
In mere moments, the curtain would go up
And the spotlight would hit the stage,
Illuminating my lies to the world.
I had no idea what my end game was.
Mary: Love your dress. Oh, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
Mike sr.: Made it. It's a big night!
- Yes, yes. You know, it's not everyday
That your son is the star. - [chuckles]
Thank you.
[indistinct chatter]
[camera whirs]
- I know you must be nervous. - No.
- I know you're probably terrified
You'll forget a line.
- Nope. I know 'em all.
- I can't imagine what's going on inside your stomach.
- I'm getting pizza after.
Adult mark: It was useless. He was unflappable.
And as much as I wanted the part,
I wanted ritchie to be happy even more.
- I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
And I know you'll be the best hamar ever.
- Thanks. - You're gonna be great.
Just had a look.
There's a load of people out there.
[sighs heavily]
I guess... I'll go back to props.
[camera beeps and whirs, indistinct chatter]
Adult mark: Ritchie had gotten over his stage fright
And discovered his audience fright.
[stomach rumbles loudly]
[low, indistinct murmurs]
[middle eastern music plays]
[audience applauds and whistles]
- Welcome. Table for one?
Gary: Party of thirteen! Judas is the name.
There's more where this came from.
[coin clatters]
[audience titters and murmurs]
Adult mark: I had been jealous of ritchie
But, in that moment, I sure did not wanna be him.
[tense music plays]
Adult mark: I had been dying to play hamar,
But ritchie was dying on stage.
Fox: I said, where shall we seat him?
Audience: [indistinct murmurs]
Adult mark: I had to do something.
- [whispering loudly] ritchie!
"do you have a reservation?"
Audience: [indistinct murmurs]
Mark: Ritchie! Ritchie!
Ritchie! "do you have a reservation?"
Fox: I said, where shall we seat him, hamar?
[camera whirs, audience murmurs]
- This isn't how the play goes. They're making an arse of it.
- Shhh! - Oh, shush yourself, ya hussy!
- Will you shut it?! - Oh, stuff it!
- Shut your face! - You're always in the middle.
- Oh, please.
Adult mark: My best friend needed help!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I had to act. Literally.
- [blows out his breath] - not so fast!
Stay the hell off my stage! - Ritchie needs me!
[struggling grunts]
[mark grunts, light thump, tray clatters]
Parent: Where'd he come from? - Oh my!
[audience murmurs] [camera whirs]
Adult mark: At least nobody was looking at ritchie anymore.
- Hi. [audience titters]
- [sighs heavily]
- Audience! Welcome to the show!
It is I, casca, the roman centurion
Who, who... Also picks up a couple shifts
Here at the restaurant. [audience laughs]
Adult mark: I wanted to be a comedian,
So why not be a rodeo clown?
- What?!
- Who wants bread?
Adult mark: Some would say I was stalling to help my friend,
Others might say I was being a ham.
Either way, this would be the first last supper scene ever
With a happy ending. - Get in here!
- Oh... Nice place you got here.
Ever think of doin' a... A theme night?
I guess toga parties would be...
Too on the nose. [everyone laughs]
Adult mark: These weren't the lines
I'd practiced with my father, but he didn't seem to mind.
- Would it! [audience laughs]
- Get in.
Adult mark: And ritchie, staying on theme,
He rose again.
- Do you have a reservation? - Nailed it!
[audience laughs and claps]
Adult mark: Life is a lot like a play.
We all play different parts, depending on who we're with.
But there's no pretending to be someone you're not
Around your family. - Do you have a reservation?
- [clapping] yeah, bravo!
Bravo! Take a bow!
Adult mark: Dad turned out to be my biggest fan.
- All right, couple o' notes.
Adult mark: And he was the only audience I ever really wanted.
- If you're gonna take a bow, you really wanna sweep
The floor with your hand, like that. Give it a try.
A little lower. Always get out there,
And then just bask.
[heartwarming music plays]
Adult mark: But the real actor in the family
Was the one acting like he was tougher
Than he really was.
- My beautiful girl.
♪♪♪