Adult mark: For most folks,
Christmas is a time of peace on earth.
At the critch house,
It was just another excuse to argue.
- Loosen up that garland, mary.
What are you trying to do, decorate it or hang it?
- Ugh! I hate this packin' thing!
Why can't we have a real tree?
Practically live in the woods. - Real trees are death traps!
You ever hear of forest fires? They all begin with real trees.
Adult mark: Deck the halls with boughs of plastic.
- Good god! Will somebody pass me my toolkit?
Adult mark: The old man's toolbox -
A cookie tin filled with some nails, some tape,
A flat head screwdriver, some buttons,
And a rusty hinge.
It was as useless as the old man himself.
Pop: That's crooked. Down a bit on the left! Down!
- Christ on a cracker! [knock at the door]
- Who the frig could that be? [door clicks open]
High voice: Any mummers allowed in?
- [excited] oh, mummers! Pop: Oh my god! [laughs]
Adult mark: Mummering is an old newfoundland tradition.
You throw together a costume from things around the house -
Old clothes, a pillowcase for a mask -
And go door-to-door getting booze from neighbours
Who would otherwise never let you in.
[clapping] it's like Halloween for drunks.
- It's all right, don't be frightened.
It's somebody we already know. We just gotta guess who it is.
- But everyone we know is already here.
This is like a home invasion.
- There'll be none o' that.
All right, reveal yourself! Dick, is that you?
- What's the matter, mike?
Don't know your own brother?
- Uncle brendan! [laughs excitedly]
Both: [laughing]
- Dad has a brother?
Adult mark: I had no idea that I even had an uncle.
While dad stayed behind caring for their parents,
Brendan had travelled the world.
Pop: Look at you.
Adult mark: The very mention of his name would send dad
Into a tizzy and so... His name was never mentioned.
Pop: Have you lost weight
Or is it just your brother that's getting fatter?
Brendan: Oh. [laughs]
If I had a woman like mary cooking for me,
I'd be fat too, dad!
- Oh, brendan, you always had a way with words. [chuckles]
Brendan: And little mike, who's not so little anymore!
My god, you've grown like a tapeworm.
And this must be uh... Uh, uh,
The other one!
- Mark. I don't believe we've met.
- Oh, that's 'cause last time I saw you,
You were just a baby. Go on!
I'm your uncle! Give us a hug. Arrrrgh!
Jeez, mike, can't believe you didn't send
So much as a picture.
Mike sr.: Hard to do without an address, brother.
Pop: Yeah, well, he's hard to track down
With all his jet setting. Where are you these days?
- All over the world, dad.
Regina, fort mac... Pop: Oh!
- Miramichi. - Oh.
- So, you'll just be passing through then, I take it?
- Just a quick stop. Gotta head downtown now,
See if I can find myself a...
Place to crash for the night.
- Uh, there's vacancy at the skyline motel.
- Uncle brendan can stay in my room with me.
- Oh! Great! You can tell me about all the girls
You got on the go, hey? [laughs]
This calls for a toast. You got any liquor, brother?
- Dad only drinks the wine in church.
Pop: Mike, there's a bottle of rum in the trunk in my room.
Go get it.
Not every day I get to drink with my son.
- Ha, ha, ha!
That garland's a mess. Pop: Ah!
[garland rustles]
Ah! Perfect!
- Why didn't you tell me I had an uncle?
- You never missed much, believe me.
Mary: [muttering] gonna need more molasses, more ham,
More margarine, more potatoes... - I wouldn't count on him
Sticking around very long, mary.
Pop: What? There's nothing wrong with family
Wanting to be home for christmas.
I mean, give him a break, b'y.
Mike sr.: A break?! His whole life has been a break.
All that man does is take, take, take!
- Figure'd I give you your presents now.
No sense trying to hide anything
In a house this small. [chuckles]
[inhales and exhales deeply, wrapping paper crinkles]
Mike!
[rustling] oh!
Pop. - Oh, no! Really?
[wrapping paper rustles and tears]
- That's a fondue set!
For dipping bread in cheese.
- You mean like fingers? [wrapping paper rips]
Pop: Oh my! A clock-radio!
Ah, you see, mike? It's okay for a son
To give his father a little present now and then.
- Yeah, like free room and board for a couple of decades?
- Well, I wouldn't wanna insult you
By offering ya rent, ya stunned ass!
Brendan: This is just a small token of my appreciation
For letting me stay here. - Oh...
You don't need to appreciate us,
We're your family!
[wrapping paper tears]
- Springsteen's box set?! Pop: What?
- That's too much, now, brendan.
- Well, nothing's too good for my little roomie.
Now, you didn't think I forgot about my other nephew, did ya?
♪♪♪
[clap, giggles gleefully] - [frustrated exhale]
[paper tears] - a switcheroo-bot...?
Is that supposed to be like a transformer?
- Mark. What do you say to your uncle?
Adult mark: I hope you kept the receipt?
- [weakly] thanks.
Adult mark: I was loyal to my father.
Mary: [chuckles]
[gasps] oh, brendan.
Oh! It's gorgeous! [gasps]
Brendon: [chuckles happily]
- Oh, it must've cost a fortune!
- Oh, I'm sure it's nothing
Compared to what mike has for ya.
- Oh, we don't bother with gifts after all these years.
- We exchange cards.
I thought you said cards were more special than gifts.
Brendan: You've still got a lot to learn about women.
[laughs]
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's-it's-it's too much.
Here, I... I can't. - What?!
- For god's sake, keep the coat.
Mike, don't be such a bloody sook.
- It's not up to me. It's your gift.
- That's the spirit. - Well...
Maybe just this once? Hmm?
Brendan: [chuckles]
- [sighs appreciatively] oh...
Pop: That fits like a glove, mary.
[liquor pours] - mike! You don't drink.
- Maybe just this once.
Brendan: Jesus. Mary: Oh! Oh... No!
Oh, look!
They left the security tag on it.
Oh, I'll just bring it back to ayre's.
- Don't you worry about that, my dear.
Nothing I can't get into with a butter knife.
Ungh! [security tag clicks]
- Huh! [laughs] - nothin' to it!
Now... How about that drink?
Pop: Ah, there you go! [chuckles]
♪♪♪
Pop: Ah... [chuckles] brendan: [gasps] oh ho!
[glass thunks] pop: [laughs]
Adult mark: As I drifted off to sleep,
The sound of all the adults in the house getting tanked
Somehow made me feel safer than I'd ever felt in my life.
[school bell rings]
Sister margaret: I know everyone is excited
For santa claus. - Am I?
- [gasps, then sighs] student: [gasp] geez!
Hello, sister.
I was just talking to the children about christmas.
- And where in the bible would I find santa claus, sister?
Children, I want to talk to you
About keeping christ in christmas.
[chalk scrapes]
That's christmas, or...
[chalk taps and scrapes]
Christ mass, not xmas.
When you say "xmas," you are crossing out christ.
[chalk scrapes]
And what is an x but a sideways cross,
Or...
[chalk scrapes] a crucifix.
Student: [clears throat]
Every time you write xmas, boys and girls,
You are literally crucifying jesus.
Ho, ho, hosanna in the highest.
[church bell tolls]
Adult mark: Whatever happened to rudolph?
Sister margaret: Well, that was uh... Festive.
[chuckles]
Sister rose has a point buried in there somewhere.
Christmas is the baby jesus' birthday party, not yours.
That is why it is better to give a gift
Than to receive one.
So, we are having a hamper drive,
Collecting donations of toys for needy children.
I need some volunteens to help.
Any volunteens?
Oh!
- Hate to lose out on a technicality,
But... We're not teens.
But we'd love to help.
- Ha! What a bunch of elf suck-holes.
Sister margaret: And fox. Welcome to the volunteens.
Maybe you'll learn to be a little more considerate.
Student: [clears throat]
[east coast-flavoured "jingle bells" plays]
Mike sr.: [groaning]
♪ jingle all the way, oh what fun... ♪
- God, mike.
♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way... ♪
You sick?
♪ oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
[shocked] jesus murphy, no...
You're hungover! - Yeah, well, so are you!
- No, I'm still drunk, it's different.
Why, if I'd known you were around the sauce,
I woulda dragged you down to the legion last night!
I dj-ed their christmas party
And I did not skimp on the david bowie.
What a night!
I went home with fifty dollars and leanne lush.
[clacks teeth, then sucks his teeth]
I'm busier than a bayman with two woodstoves these days,
What with all the... The christmas parties
And events the station has me doin'.
The money's good, but the hours are a nightmare.
- You know, I could cover some of those shifts for ya, dick.
- You?
You turn your nose up at this stuff, mike.
- I need to pick up a little bit o' extra gift money, okay?
Share the wealth, hey? It's christmas after all.
♪ ...To ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ jingle bells, jingle bells... ♪
- Well, there is one gig I'm trying to get out of.
The money's good,
But trust me, you wouldn't want it.
♪ open sleigh! Yup!
[indistinct chatter, christmas music plays softly]
- God, that thing's so lame.
Ritchie: I mean, why ask a tree what you want for christmas
When santa is around the corner?
Happy tree: Good god! A barbie dream house?!
That's much too expensive!
When I was your age, you'd be lucky to get an orange.
Kids these days. Spoiled rotten!
[instrumental "I saw three ships" plays in the mall]
- Dad?
Adult mark: While ritchie collected the toys,
I was focused on the tree.
- Dad? Are you in there?
Mike sr.: What? Good god, no!
- [sighs] I can tell it's your voice.
Mike sr.: No, this is the happy tree.
End of discussion, mark! Go home!
- How'd you know my name then? - Dammit!
- Why are you inside the happy tree?
- I'm trying to earn a little bit of extra money
For christmas. Don't tell your mother.
Or your idiot uncle, for god's sake.
- You're too old to talk to the happy tree, doofus.
Happy tree: Uh, hello, fox. How's your christmas?
- Shut up, tree! You're... You're lame!
Come on.
- How'd that tree know my name?
- I know, right?
- These toys kinda suck.
Mark: Imagine waking up on christmas day
And this is all you had to play with?
[bear tumbles]
Ow...
[plastic bag rustles]
- What was that for?
- Probably saw someone she knows.
[blues music plays softly]
- Ya ever see a tape deck in a car before?
- No! This is awesome.
What year is she? - Agh!
Car is like a man.
Age don't matter as long as you got spunk.
Besides, this is more than a car.
This is my office, and a hotel room.
- You sleep in your car?
Cool! Cool! [amazed laugh]
- Have to when you're an entrepreneur.
Mind you, it's not always all it's cracked up to be.
[inhales, paper sizzles] - yeah.
I can't wait to get outta here.
I've been saving up money for school.
Got about a grand now.
- A grand? How?
- Two years of mowin' grass and shovellin'.
I do the station, the car lot, and uh, old mrs. Hicks' place.
- Well, now, why would you wanna
Waste that money on school
When you could be like me and make money?
All you need is the open road and...
A car.
- [sighs] yeah.
Nah. Nah, I go for my licence in may,
But... I could never afford one.
- [sighs sympathetically]
You know, maybe...
You could buy mine.
I'm thinking of an upgrade anyway.
Here's what we'll do.
You give me whatever you got now,
As a deposit,
And then I'll come back for the rest
Once you've got your licence, and...
She's all yours! - Oh, that would be awesome!
[laughs excitedly]
[laughter dies]
Uh... But...
I should probably run it by my dad first.
- [laughs derisively]
Forget it.
Look, kid,
There's two ways to move through this life.
You can be like your old man, always afraid to do anything,
[draws sharply on his joint]
Or... You can be like me.
Do you want a little hoot?
- No. No, I don't do that stuff.
- Oh, come on. It's just us-- - yeah, okay.
- [exhales]
[draws sharply on his joint] - easy!
[blues music plays]
[mike jr. Coughs]
Mike jr.: Woo!
- Needing a hamper for two boys - one four, one six.
- Two boys - one four, one six.
Adult mark: We assigned the toys to needy families.
Like santa, we made a list and checked it twice.
- 'kay, a 17-year-old boy, 16-year-old boy,
A five-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl.
- They're gonna clean us out.
The only family I know that big is...
- Oh, god. [gulps] it's fox.
- We said the toys were pathetic.
- Oh jesus, oh jesus, oh jesus...
[clipboard thumps]
Fox: Hey, dicks.
Looks like you're almost done filling up the barf bags.
- Uh... If you mean hampers of amazingness,
Then yes!
I can't believe people are just giving this stuff away!
Uh, in this one, I believe we have...
Socks, [chuckles]
A water gun,
[wrapping paper rustles]
Rubik's cube,
And...
A switcheroo-bot!
Where'd that come from? Who cares?
[chuckles] it's all gold!
[box thuds lightly]
- That's the best one.
You take it, fox!
We won't say anything.
- Gross! Why would I want other people's junk?
[paper rustles]
[paper rustles, clipboard clatters loudly]
[footsteps recede]
- [sighs heavily]
Gets underway this weekend.
The parade route will start at the top of water street,
And finish all the way down at the end of water street.
Mike critch, vocm news.
- That what passes for news around here these days?
- Your brother can make a murder scene
Out of jam on toast.
[mocking] the victim was covered
In what appeared to be blood. A knife was found on the scene.
Robbery was the motive. The suspect needed a little bread.
Mike critch, vocm news.
[bottles thump]
- You know, speaking of mike,
Where's he been goin' at night, dick?
- How should I know? I'm not his babysitter.
- Well, I seen you driving him somewhere after work. Hmm?
He doesn't have a licence.
- Trouble in paradise, mary?
I can guarantee you he hasn't got someone on the side.
Sure, he can barely handle you! [chuckles]
- [unamused] huh.
You know, surely you knows where you dropped him off to,
Huh?
See, it's christmas eve-eve and...
Well, I don't know where my husband is, so...
[friendly chuckle] you can either finish that beer
And tell me what's goin' on,
Or I can break the friggin' bottle over your greasy head.
♪ it's christmas in the harbour ♪
Adult mark: For some reason, it was much easier
To talk to my father when he was a tree.
- We tried to give her all the best stuff.
I even gave her my switcheroo-bot.
[sighs heavily] what did I do wrong, dad?
- Well, there's a difference between a hand up
And a hand out.
I know what it was like to grow up with nothin'.
Fox is a very proud person and you embarrassed her.
That's why the hampers are supposed to be anonymous.
- [sighs] I guess I'd better find her and apologize.
[instrumental of "silent night" plays in the mall]
Mike sr.: Look, I know we don't have much money either.
I try to do my best. I hope you know that, but...
I love you, son.
Hmm. Feels good to say that out loud.
You know, your pop never did tell me that he loved me.
- What the frig are you going on about, mike?
Mike sr.: Good god! Mary?!
[indistinct chatter]
- Pack off and wait your turn, hmm?
The lot o' ya.
Hello, mr. Tree.
[eyes whir]
For christmas, I would like my husband to stay home
And stop worrying about getting me a present
Just because his sleeveen brother
Stole a coat from ayre's.
Mike sr.: I guess I look pretty foolish now, don't I?
- You never looked better.
- I'm not that good with words, and I don't say it enough, but...
- Oh, come outta there and give me a hug.
- I can't leave my box, mary. The kids'll see me.
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh.
Huh.
Excusez-moi.
♪♪♪
[door scrapes open]
Oh, turn that thing off. [mic pops but stays on]
Isn't this romantic! Now, give me that hug.
Mike sr.: Uh, I can't.
You're gonna have to move your leg to the right.
Mary: No, I can't. I'm pinned against the wall.
[mic jostles] mike sr.: Well, turn sideways.
[eyes whir] mary: Oh! I'm stuck.
Ow! You're on my hair, ya arsehole!
Mike sr.: [grumpy] d'oh! Well, damn it all to hell then!
[zipper zips sharply, footsteps recede quietly]
Pop: Hmm. Brendan: [surprised chuckle]
- Can't get no privacy in a house this size.
- No room for secrets.
Are you going somewhere, b'y?
- I got this big thing coming down the pipe, dad.
Thing is, I gotta move fast.
- Oh. How can you do that?
I heard you sold your car.
- Well, I never sold it.
Kid just put down a little deposit.
- So you'll be givin' him his money back.
- Right now, it's kinda tied up in this business venture.
- You're gonna break the boy's heart.
Can't it wait 'til after christmas?
- Holidays never meant that much to me.
- Neither did I.
[footsteps recede quickly]
So long, idiot.
["children's winter" by the barra macneils plays]
♪ the winter's snow is a child's delight ♪
♪ as it brightens up a winter's night... ♪
- [chuckles]
Adult mark: Sometimes the perfect gift
Is just telling someone that you love them.
- It's just what I wanted.
[light kiss]
♪ the smiling faces watch the ground... ♪
[drawer scrapes closed]
Adult mark: And sometimes it's saying nothing at all.
♪ and through the glass there comes no sound ♪
♪ as the snowflakes melt upon it... ♪
[footsteps approach]
♪ snowman, snow house hey, play with me ♪
- Where's uncle brendan?
- Oh, he had to, uh, leave in a bit of a hurry.
He wanted me to give you this.
He decided he couldn't sell the car.
[the envelope crinkles, cash rustles]
- [blows out his breath, relieved]
- Hmm. - Thanks, pop.
Adult mark: When it comes down to it,
Christmas is about family.
Sometimes it's the family you are born into...
And sometimes it's the family you choose.
[envelope rustles]
I thought a hamper full of toys
Would make for a merry christmas,
But the best gifts don't come from malls,
They come from the heart.
Mary and mark: Mmm...
Adult mark: I don't remember many of the presents,
But I remember every christmas in our little house.
- Wastin' our good... Perfectly good bread, wasted.
Adult mark: The best gifts aren't under the tree,
They're the people around it.
- [chef's kiss] - oh my god, it's too hot.
Mary: Hot! [mouthful] mm-hmm. - [disgusted] mm!
- Woo! - Really good. [laughs]
Mike sr.: [disgusted] oh god...
Pop: Crusty bread. [laughter]
Adult mark: Like snowflakes, each christmas was unique...
[laughter]
- ...And like snowflakes, each one was gone too soon.
♪♪♪