[organ music plays]
♪♪♪
Sister margaret: Fox!
If you are old enough to get confirmed,
You are old enough to behave in church!
If you embarrass me in front of father moore,
I'll give you a big enough fright
To scare the crap out of a toilet,
Ya saucy little-- - [clears throat]
- Father!
The children are so excited to see you.
- Hmm.
Good morning, boys and girls.
Kids: Good morning, father.
Adult mark: Confirmation. The catholic bar mitzvah.
I was about to become a made man.
Father moore: At baptism,
Your parents made a promise
On your behalf
Because you were just a baby.
- [whispers] you're still a baby.
Father moore: They gave you a name.
And now, you will confirm their promise
And you will choose
Your own confirmation name.
Now, sister, who's doing the reading?
- Mark critch, father.
[chair creaks] mark: [exhales deeply]
[footsteps thud]
[kid yawns, paper rustles]
"jesus said, 'suffer little children
And forbid them not to come unto me:
For such is the kingdom of heaven.'"
Adult mark: There was no bigger stage than an altar.
Mass was the biggest show in town.
[lights snap on]
Are there any catholics here tonight?
Everyone?! My kinda room!
[cheesy comedy club music plays]
The other day this old lady comes into the confessional,
She says, "father forgive me!
When I was young,
I cheated on my husband!"
I said, "lady, you confessed that last Sunday."
And she says, "I know.
I just like talking about it!" [kids laugh]
[clapping] thank you!
Adult mark: I was born a catholic,
But I was a practicing narcissist.
[lights snap off]
[fox giggles]
Father moore lived off fear
Like I lived off tea and bologna.
- Is something funny, miss?
You don't seem ready to receive the holy spirit.
- I ain't afraid of no ghost. Kids: [giggle]
Sister margaret: Jesus, mary, and joseph!
- When I was their age,
I felt the holy spirit so strongly
That I received my calling.
But perhaps your class
Isn't ready for confirmation, sister.
Adult mark: I, too, had a calling - to be a star -
And now I saw an opening to audition
To be the leading man.
- I... Feel something...
Inside.
- Well, hold it!
No one is going to the washroom.
- No.
I... Want to become...
A priest.
[a backing band plays as a gospel choir sings]
♪♪♪
Mary: A priest? Mike jr.: Oh!
At least he'll never have to worry about
Breaking the vow of celibacy. - [scandalized gasp]
- Are you cracked? A priest?! With all that's going on?!
- Why? What's going on?
Adult mark: You can't talk about the '80s in newfoundland
Without talking about the sexual abuse scandal
In the catholic church.
That is, unless you were my parents.
- None of your business. - It's nothing that you...
- Shut up, pop. - Have to worry about, honey.
- Hmm.
[footsteps approach]
Pop: [sighs]
[cars zoom past outside]
I'm sorry if we were hard on you, but...
You know, you're a bit young to be signing up
With that crowd of sadistic arseholes.
- Nice apology.
I mean, if they're so bad,
Then why do you go to mass every Sunday?
- Can't hurt to play both sides.
As long as you confess, you're golden.
Have you chosen your confirmation name yet?
I mean, we've got enough mikes.
- [sighs] patrick.
- [pleased] mm... Really. Hmm. - Not for you.
Patrick is father moore's first name.
He's gonna be my sponsor,
And he said I'd be a fine priest.
- Nice. Hmm.
You know, perhaps we should invite him over,
Get to know him a bit better.
What about tomorrow night for supper?
- Really? - Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, I'd love to say a few words to father moore - ha! -
Believe you me.
- Um, why don't you come on down and join me,
Say a prayer for nanny?
- Oh, uh, I'd rather just sit here
'cause I've got bad knees,
But hey, I'll say one for her
And I'll say one for you.
- Hmm. - Hmm?
Mark: Dear lord, please keep my nanny safe,
Forever and always.
[organ and choral music plays]
♪♪♪
[chip bag rustles]
[chip bag rips open]
- What's with the "exorcist" get up?
- Mark is preparing himself.
He signed us up to be altar boys.
He would've asked you too, but, you know...
Boys.
[chip bag rustles violently]
Hey! My chips!
- "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."
Students: [indistinct chatter] kid: Wait up!
Adult mark: The whole house went into a priestly panic
As mom and dad cruxi-fixed the place up.
[radio clicks on]
Mike sr.: Formal charges were laid today
Against clergy in st. John's.
A lawyer, speaking on behalf of the vic--
[radio clicks off] - of all the jeezly times
To have a bloody priest poking around.
[cupboard items rustle, door thumps shut]
And you better not start, tonight!
This is about mark.
- I don't start things, I finish 'em.
[crunching, hanger clatters]
[wardrobe door thumps shut]
- What are you doing? - I'm hungry.
Fox stole my chips.
- That's the body of christ! - No, it's not.
It's just bread until the priest blesses it.
- There! - You're not a priest.
- They don't even have a taste.
- Yes, they do. They taste like... Paper.
Adult mark: Snacking on a sacrament was a big sin,
But like adam with the apple,
I was tempted.
[slow crunch]
- Good, right? Ha! - Mmm.
[footsteps approach, solemn organ music plays]
Mmm! - [clears throat]
Before your first mass as altar boys,
You'll have to give confession, of course.
[church bell tolls] adult mark: Confession!
I couldn't tell if he had seen us,
But I knew there was only one thing to do.
Lie!
Les back]
Adult mark: The confessional.
God's little interrogation room.
- Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
It has been two weeks since my last confession.
- Go ahead, child. Confess.
Adult mark: I couldn't bring myself to confess my own sins
So I flipped on my family
Like a mobster turned fbi informant.
- Pop swears all the time. Like, a lot.
And I'm pretty sure my brother has reefer in his room.
Um, mom gossips - terrible habit, and dad--
- Let's focus on your sins.
Did someone tempt you to sin today, mark?
Adult mark: I chose to walk in the footsteps
Of one of the most famous christians ever...
- Well...
Adult mark: Judas.
[door clicks open, kids murmur nervously]
[door thumps shut]
- [whispering] you didn't tell him, did you?
Did he see us eat them?
[door clicks open] father moore: Ritchie?
- [whispers] does he know? - Ritchie? Now!
[organ music plays, kid: I'm so scared.
[confessional door slams shut] mark: [whimpers]
Father moore: Bless us, o lord and these thy gifts,
Which we are about to receive from thy bounty
Through christ, our lord.
All: Amen.
- Bread, father?
- I believe I hear you on the radio
More than I see you in church, mr. Critch.
- Oh, he works Sunday's, father.
No rest for the wicked. - Hmm.
- Pure! No rest for the pure.
Uh... Beets? Pickles? - No.
I've taken an interest in mark.
It's rare to find a boy of his...
Faith these days.
People are...
Turning away from the church.
- Well, I think we all know why that is, father.
Adult mark: I was oblivious to the elephant in the room,
Even though pop had hopped up on its back
And was tickling its ears.
- The devil can work in mysterious ways, too.
I wouldn't believe everything you hear on the radio.
Good people, their names slandered.
- We haven't named any of the accused, father.
- Well, perhaps you should mention some names.
The names of the accusers.
- I believe the word you're looking for
Is "victims," father.
- [awkwardly] uh...
What's your favourite bible passage, mark?
- Oh, the one from my reading. - Oh yeah.
- "suffer little children
And forbid them not, to come unto me."
Pop: Ah. "suffer little children."
Now that should be right up your alley, father.
- Dessert! [laughs nervously]
Would you like a flakey? - Ugh.
- You know... I'm losing my appetite.
- And you?
Hmm? - Uh...
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
Take a man fishing
And he will eat... Later.
- Uh-huh. Ha.
- What's yours, father?
- Matthew 7, 1-5.
"judge not, that you be not judged."
- Do you know what mine is, father?
Luke 12:2.
"nothing is covered up, that shall not be revealed;
Or hidden, that will not be known."
Chew on that one, padre.
Adult mark: I was too young to know any better.
Pop, on the other hand, was too old to give a flying fu--
- Fudgee-o?
- I believe I've had enough.
Thank you for the meal. It was... Ample.
- I'll see you out, father. - Thank you, mark.
Mike sr.: [sighs heavily] mary: Ugh!
[door clicks open] - sweet jesus.
- Ugh! I've got the shivers. It's like dracula was in here.
- What a prick! God forgive me.
- You couldn't do this one thing for me!
- Mark, there's a lot you don't understand.
- Then tell me!
- [sighs heavily]
[a violin lament plays]
♪♪♪
- [disappointed exhale]
[whimpers] oh...
[footsteps recede, bedroom door bangs shut]
- The boy is old enough.
♪♪♪
Adult mark: Newfoundlanders are used to storms,
But over the next few days
It felt like the darkest clouds we'd ever seen
Were rolling in over us.
- Attention, please, children!
Uh...
I'm sure you've been hearing some rumours about the church.
You must have a lot of questions.
Adult mark: Finally, a ray of light!
- Well, you better not ask them!
It's none of your business!
Adult mark: Followed by showers.
- On an unrelated note,
Father moore is no longer with us.
Kid: [gasps] - [shocked] what?!
- It's going to be okay. You see, children,
Father moore has...
- [clears throat] been transferred overseas.
I've been asked to introduce his replacement,
Father garcia.
Adult mark: I had lost my mentor,
But I was sure his replacement would be just as--
- Hey, kids!
My name is father garcia, but you can call me gary.
- Uh, and that you most certainly will not--
- Look, collar in the corner,
Ain't nothing special about a priest, okay?
I'm no different from uh...
[snaps fingers] hey, what's your name, buddy?
- Ritchie.
- Ritchie. Cool!
Heck, I wish I was as cool as ritchie over here! [high-five]
What's your confirmation name, bro?
- Romeo. Like my uncle.
- Whoa! Loverboy over here. [chuckles]
How about you, buddy?
- Patrick. Kid: [clears throat]
- It's mark, right?
I hear you like comedy.
Well, did you know that there was a saint hilarious?
- It's patrick.
- I see. Okay.
Um... Sister?
[exhales heavily]
Ya ever listen to music backwards
To hear hidden satanic messages?
Oh! Over there. [chuckles] - um...
- Well, sometimes I like to listen to music forwards
To hear hidden christian messages.
One, two, three and... (starts playing the guitar)
♪ goin' up to the spirit in the sky ♪
♪ that's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
♪ when I die and they lay me to rest ♪
♪ I'm gonna go to the place that's the best ♪
- ♪ spirit in the skyyyy! [kids clap to the rhythm]
Adult mark: I was being upstaged!
I felt the holy spirit leave me
As if I'd just popped a spiritual zit.
God was dead.
- ♪ I'm gonna go to the place that's the best ♪
- ♪ spirit in the skyyyy!
N before confirmation.
Get it all out now -
Your lies, your thefts,
Your disgusting urges.
Vomit up the darkness.
Pop in!
- Actually, sister, um, I'm all about talking to god,
I just don't like hiding in a box to do it.
So, kids, we're gonna rap face-to-face...
Right over here. Come on.
- The arse is out of 'er.
- Hey, mark?
[kids whisper and murmur]
- Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
It has been one day since my last confession.
- Whoa, mark.
Can't be anything worth confessing, buddy.
Um... I guess I'm your sponsor now, huh?
What do you think about that?
All right, okay, I get it.
Strong, silent type.
Well, go in peace.
- What's my penance?
- You didn't sin.
Adult mark: No penance?
What's the point of being catholic
If there isn't any guilt?
- Mark? I'd like to meet your parents.
You know, sponsor and all.
I'll stop by after school.
[kid yawns nearby] next?
Casanova.
[upbeat music plays]
[magazines rustle]
♪♪♪
- Thank you for the wine, father. You shouldn't have.
Pop: Well, we don't even have a corkscrew.
- Um, father, have you been a priest for long?
- Uh, five years.
Uh, I was trying to find myself,
And then I ended up in antigua with a girl I was dating.
- Oh!
- Wha... A priest can't date.
- Well, I wasn't a priest at the time.
And when she dumped me,
That's when I found the lord and the rest is history.
- Oh. So, jesus is your rebound?
- Mike! - [laughing] that's good!
- No, he's right. [laughs]
I, uh, cried myself to sleep in his arms every night.
So, uh, mr. Critch-- - mm-hmm.
- I understand you work at the radio station?
Is that correct? - Oh, here we go!
- I won't have it, father! I'm sorry, mark,
But I won't let anyone, not even a priest,
Tell me what I can or can't say on air.
- Hear, hear.
- Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
I... I just wanted to give you this.
- Hmm? - Um...
I write and record my own pop songs,
And I was just wondering
If you could give it to a dj is all.
- Uh... I, I'll see what I can do.
I, I could give it to dick dunphy.
I mean, I-I-I can't promise anything, but uh...
- You would do that? - Yeah, sure.
- That's awesome. Thank you!
You rock! - [chuckles]
- That's great! - [chuckles]
[pop chuckles, mike sr. Sighs heavily]
[awkward silence, father garcia sighs]
- Does anyone have any questions about um...
Everything that's going on?
'cause, you know, we could talk about it.
Pop: I don't think it's a conversation
For the dinner table, father.
- Oh, well...
- Can someone tell me what's going on?
For the love of god!
- Shall I put on the kettle?
- You don't have to stay for this, father.
- I-I would like to, if it's okay?
♪♪♪
- Uh... There's an orphanage
And it's run by the church for...
It's been run there by them for a long time.
Adult mark: The skies were clearing,
But nothing would ever really be the same again.
There's a thin line between a secret and a lie.
♪♪♪
- I don't think I believe anymore.
- Santa claus?
- I'm being serious.
- [chuckles] yes, a bit too serious, if you ask me,
For such a young boy.
Agh.
You never wanted to be a priest.
- Yeah, I did! I...
I wanted to give sermons. I wanted to be respected. I--
Pop: I think you should be an optometrist.
- Why?
- You're always saying, "I, I, I."
Look. There are better ways to help people
Than scare the crap out of them in a collar.
- Pop?
- Yeah?
- Hm.
Would you be my confirmation sponsor?
- [emotional] yeah.
I'd be mighty proud.
Mighty proud.
- Okay.
[light clicks off]
Night.
- Goodnight.
[poignant music plays]
♪♪♪
- "but jesus said, 'suffer little children
And forbid them not to come unto me:
For such is the kingdom of heaven.'"
Adult mark: When I first heard those words
I pictured children suffering.
But now, after that dark year,
I see it as, "let the children ask their questions."
- Some job. [chuckles]
Adult mark: I would have a lot of them in the coming days,
Months and years.
[zippo lighter snicks]
I may have lost some faith in others,
But I was starting to have some faith in myself.
[organ music plays]
- ♪ when I die and they lay me to rest ♪
♪ gonna go to the place that's the best... ♪
- Oh, yeah.
- ♪ when I lay me down to die ♪
♪ goin' up to the spirit in the sky ♪
[clapping] - ♪ spirit in the sky
- ♪ that's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
- ♪ when I die
and they lay me to rest ♪
♪ I'm gonna go to the place that's the best ♪
- [laughing] - ♪ spirit in the sky
♪ it's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
- ♪ when I die...
- ♪ when I die and they lay me to rest ♪
♪ I'm gonna go to the place that's the best ♪
- ♪ spirit in the sky!
♪♪♪