[truck horn blares]
- Adult mark (vo): Growing up,
The most popular room was also the smallest
But it had the best seat in the house.
- Pop: Occupied!
- Mike sr.: Occupied!
- Pop: Sweet jesus, I've seen it all before!
- The only way to avoid getting in each other's way
Was to gather in the flickering glow
Of the modern fireplace and ignore each other...
Together as a family.
[laughter]
When kids my age were watching alf,
I was memorizing bob hope routines.
- I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger
And bigger; then it hit me.
[laughter]
[upbeat jazz music]
Thank you very much.
- The schoolyard was what we comedians might call
A "tough room".
- Hey, fellas.
Man is it cold today, or what?
You know, it's so cold the politicians
Have their hands in their own pockets!
[mark chuckles]
Say, fellas,
Did you catch that bob hope birthday tribute
Last night on tv?
You know you're getting old
When the candles cost more than the cake,
Am I right?
- This stuff killed at home, but on the schoolyard
It could very well end up getting me killed.
- You losers want to hear something really funny?
- Gary: Eddie murphy!
Whoa, I hear this is filthy!
- Where'd you get that?
- It's my dad's.
Mom's gone on vacation with her dumb-ass new boyfriend
So I have to stay at his house.
[boys laughing]
- What's so funny?
- I had never heard language like that before.
Not even that time pop fell asleep
With a lit smoke in his mouth.
- Your father lets you listen to language like that?
- He doesn't care. He's never home.
- Gary: Give it back.
[boys laughing]
- Clearly, it was time to freshen up my act.
- Exciting news, children.
The school will be holding a public speaking contest
And though the bible tells us to judge not,
Sister rose and I will be doing just that.
It will be happening one week from today
In the gymnatorium on the main stage.
- Finally! A stage.
Comedy in front of nuns?
Now, that was my crowd.
- Thank you. Thank you.
How are ya, folks?
Sisters, fathers, brothers.
I guess you could say the whole family is here!
Even the bishop made it.
And he can only move diagonally.
You're a great crowd.
I really mean that!
[cheering; clapping]
- Mark! Mark! Mark!
- Mark?
As I was saying, if any of you would like to participate,
Please see sister rose to register after school
In the music room.
- After school?
I had put my career on hold long enough.
- Sister, may I be excused?
[breathing heavily]
I left my inhaler in my coat.
- You can borrow mine.
- (whispered) shut up.
- Be quick about it.
- He's not quick about anything.
- A vow of celibacy meant the only passion
In sister rose's life was music.
- Sister rose.
Mark critch. Such a fan of your work.
A principal who also volunteers for music and public speaking?
[exhales]
Where do you find the time?
- Speaking of... - Hmm?
- I would like to register for the contest!
- You're ritchie perez's little friend.
Yes, you'll do nicely.
- I guess I do have a way with words.
- Oh, no, not that.
As you know, mr. Critch, I conduct the school orchestra.
I need a second cellist.
And now you show up out of the blue.
Yes, this is divine intervention.
Your friend, ritchie, plays
And now you will play the cello as well.
- Play cello? In my school?
This was a death sentence.
- Sister, I'm flattered,
Obviously.
I truly am
But I'm really trying to focus on my comedy right now.
So, about the contest--
- Oh, I'm not asking, mr. Critch.
- Desperate for warm bodies,
The nuns had turned to conscription.
I'd been drafted.
- Rehearsals are tuesdays and thursdays at lunch.
Do not be late.
- Uhh...
I'm a big fan of lunch in general.
It's what I call 'me time'.
Maybe--
- If you do not play the cello,
There will be no speaking contest for you.
- Checkmate.
- And mark?
Are you
Any relation to a mr. Patrick critch?
- He's my grandfather.
- Do say hello for me.
- I couldn't sleep.
My dream had become a nightmare.
[cheering; applause]
- Hey!
Let me hear some noise!
[whoops]
Aren't nuns stupid?
Nun said she saw me runnin' in the hall the other day.
Know what I told her?
I told her it wasn't me!
Look at me.
Do I look like I run?
I'm so lazy, I sweat gravy!
[booing]
[dark music]
- Now, what's wrong with you?
You got a face on ya like a boiled boot.
- Our nun principal is making me play the cello.
And she said to say hello to you.
Sister rose?
- Sister rose.
Oh, that's a long time since I've heard that name.
Here.
- I want to be a comedian.
I don't want to be some dumb cellist.
- Mm-hm, here.
Everyone will laugh at me!
- I'll get you out of it. I'll write you a note.
- That's awesome!
- You know, she's not as bad as she looks.
- Thanks, pop.
- This should do it.
Here you are. Now...
Don't open it!
It's strongly worded.
- What are you up to?
- I can't show an interest in my grandson's well-being
Without there being some ulterior motive?
- Not usually, no.
[cello notes]
- You're not even trying. - I hate this!
It's your fault that I'm here.
- I'm not apologizing for being your friend.
Besides, I'm glad you're here.
My parents make me play and I'm not very good.
But with you next to me,
I'm going to look way better.
- Nice.
- Huh, first thing is how you hold the bow:
Make sure your thumb and number two finger
Are across from each other.
- You know what finger I'm about to use?
- Mark!
- It was nice playing with you.
Good luck with it.
I'm so sorry to do this
But I have to quit.
I'm afraid my schedule simply does not allow.
I have a note.
[pop clears his throat]
- Pop (vo): Dear sister rose,
Or "rosie"
As I knew you then when life was new
And love was everything.
Do you remember that first kiss
Beneath the church bell tower?
The orange I gave you was as stolen as the kiss
But it was all I had to offer you, rosie.
My forbidden fruit!
I can still taste
The sweet citrus from your lips.
I swore I would never let another orange
Touch them again.
I even got scurvy.
The doctor put me on vitamin c pills
But they gave me acid reflux.
Anyway, never mind about that.
Your eternal flame
Will forever burn in my broken heart.
- Rose!
What do you think you're doing?
Oh!
You come with me.
- Patrick! - Rose!
Rose!!
- May god forgive me.
P.S. Please excuse mark from cello.
The boy is soft.
All the best, patrick.
- I do not accept your note.
You can't enter
The speaking contest
Until you have mastered at least one song on the cello.
And you may give your grandfather
This note from me.
Do not read it.
It's a sin to covet the written words of others,
And it is punishable by strapping.
- I don't remember that in the bible.
Must be post-vatican 2.
[exciting string music]
- What's in the box, tool?
Not like you to lift something heavy.
- I'm sorry. If I told you
I'd have to explain what a cello is
And then I'd have to explain what an orchestra is,
And I have a bus to catch.
[grunts]
- Aw, little wuss
Probably got his mommy in there.
- Forcing my mother inside a cello case
And then dragging it around school all day
Wouldn't make me a wuss,
It'd make me a psychopath.
- I know you are but what am I?
- What?
[laughter]
Oh, gee.
[laughter; grunting]
[musical thud]
- Sounds like he got a cat in there.
- See?
It's a cello.
- It's a big guitar!
- No, idiot, it's a big fiddle.
- Ow!
Give it back!
- Hey, look at me; I'm eddie van halen!
[plonking strings]
- Seriously, how is there never a nun around when you need one?
- Okay, that's enough, nimrods.
- He's gonna miss his bus. - Oh, you hear that?
Her boyfriend's gonna miss his bus.
- Ooh!
- Get in the case.
- Get off me. Stop, let go!
- Come on, get her in, get her in.
[laughter]
- It was either me or the cello and I hated the cello
Almost as much as I hated the foxes.
So, I picked me.
[door opens]
[shuffling footsteps]
- Did she read my note?
- Yep, she gave me this.
- Hm.
[emotional music]
- Sister rose (vo): My dearest patrick,
Oh, how your words made me tremble.
I felt as though I was a young girl again.
[wolf whistle]
Patrick...
My heart!
[dramatic music]
- You stay away!
- Rose, don't go! - Patrick!
- Why did you not fight for me that day?
- Stay away!
- She who would gladly spend an eternity in hell
For just one night
In your fiery embrace.
P.S.
Mark may not be excused from playing cello.
While the boy is soft, I am a cellist short.
- I'm going to write you another note.
[deep sigh]
- Who loses a cello?
- I didn't lose it.
It was beaten from me.
[indistinct conversations]
What the hell, fox?
I called you three times last night - no answer.
- I'm staying at my dad's, dummy.
- Where's my cello?
- My brother tried to sell it but nobody wants a stupid cello
So he dumped it in my dad's backyard.
- That's not good, too much humidity. Varnish wo--
- Stay out of this.
You have to take me there at lunch.
- No!
Dad said I'm not allowed to have kids over.
- Well, too bad.
Maybe his kids shouldn't steal cellos then!
- You don't understand.
- No, you don't understand.
That nun is going to kill me.
[school bell]
- We're gonna be late.
- I thought we were friends
But you're no better than your brothers.
You're all the same.
- Fine.
Lunchtime.
But you do as I say or so help me...
♪♪
- I asked ritchie to cover for me.
Perhaps I asked too much.
- He's coming.
He just had to go to the washroom first.
- Mm.
[exhales]
- I think he had to poop.
He's been pooping a lot lately.
- Eh, um, we shall begin without him.
- Fox was embarrassed by her father's house
But I envied her.
I longed for neighbours to play with
And she literally had them on the other side of her walls.
- I'm not supposed to just show up.
- That doesn't make any sense. It's your house, too.
- I don't stay here; it's just 'cuz mom is out of town
With her dumb boyfriend.
You wouldn't understand.
- Hm.
He should be here by now.
- It's definitely a poop.
- Stop talking about poop!
I'm going to check on him.
- I have to poop whenever I eat ice cream.
- What?
- Every ice cream day,
I bring 50 cents for a fudge stick.
But whenever I eat it,
My stomach hurts.
- Why don't you just stop eating them?
- They taste too good.
One time I didn't make it.
Had to hide my pants in a snowbank.
- Eh, ju-ju-just play it again.
[wrestling show playing on tv]
- Announcer: Listen to the roar
Of this capacity crowd
Here at memorial stadium
For the superstars of wrestling.
[door closing]
- The air was heavy with an unfamiliar smell
That I now know as beer.
- Announcer: Whipper billy watson
Faces off against (indistinct)
[dramatic music swell]
[snoring]
[dog barking in distance]
- Take it and go!
[upsetting music]
[emotional cello music]
[grunts and groans]
Be quiet.
- Announcer: He's coming up against the ropes here now and--
- Ohh!! - [door slams shut]
[beer bottle skitters across floor]
- Whipper is really going to work!
Oh, I mean, how much more can a man withstand?
[dramatic music crescendo]
- This is what you do when I'm asleep, is it?
- I had never been more terrified in my life
And I was taught by nuns.
- Where'd you steal that?
- It's his. He left it here.
He's just a friend from school, dad.
- This what you do at lunch times, you bring boys home?
You're just like your mother, you are.
- Just go.
Go!
- So, who told you you could come here?
You tell your mother and her friggin' boyfriend
That I ain't running no frigging daycare centre, ya hear me?
- Should I play it again or...
[heavy breathing]
- Sorry I'm late.
I...
[sighs]
[latch unclasping]
[disheartening music]
[romantic music]
- Sweet merciful christ.
- Pop gave me this for you.
- Pop (vo): My dearest rosie.
As I watched her pull you away,
I could only think of two things.
One: That you had some kind of arse on ya.
[chuckles]
And two: That a fool like me could never offer you
Anything but grief.
What a fool I was all those years ago.
I know that you believe in a heaven
That I shall never see
But, if god pities liars
And we do meet again,
Let us love each other
The way we should have done from the start.
P.S.
Let the boy off the hook
And I'll come over there and grab onto you
Like you were the last life jacket
On the bloody titanic.
[sister mary gulps]
[music ends abruptly]
- You don't have to play the cello anymore.
Get out.
♪♪
- Look, I didn't see anything and I was never in your house,
Okay?
But he shouldn't grab you like that.
- I knew it. I can't trust you.
This is all your fault.
You're dead if you say anything.
Do you hear me? Dead!
- Tina (through speakers): And, in conclusion,
That is why I plan to keep my virginity
Until marriage and save it for jesus!
Thank you!
[polite applause]
- Our next speaker is mark critch.
His topic is...
Jokes.
Mark?
- Hello?
[feedback]
I mean, "how are ya?"
Good news!
The principal said we are only going to have
A half day of school this morning.
[enthusiastic cheering and applause]
And the bad news is
We're going to have the other half in the afternoon.
[groans then silence]
Uh...
I told my mother I got a hundred the other day.
I got a 60 in spelling and a 40 in math.
- The old jokes I'd learned were bombing.
I put fox through all of that for nothing.
"screw it," I figured.
If I was going to bomb,
At least I'd bomb with original material.
- The other day, I asked sister rose
If she would give me the strap for something I didn't do.
She said, "no, of course not!"
So I said, "good,"
Because I didn't do my homework."
[laughter; applause]
I asked sister margaret if pets go to heaven.
She wouldn't answer.
I then asked her if god created everything
Then who made god?
She told me to stop asking questions.
She's not so much of a catholic nun
And more of a none-of-your-business.
[laughter; applause]
- As sister margaret dragged me off the stage by the ear,
I realized I didn't need to be bob hope or eddie murphy.
I just needed to be myself.
[cheerful music]
[applause continues]
- Ho. [giggling]
Hm.
- Hm. Hm-hm-hm.
- Gross!
[gasp]
- Sister rose: What was I thinking?
[music ends dramatically]
- Hey!
- Surprisingly,
Once I no longer had to play the cello,
I actually kind of wanted to play the cello.
[last note drags across string]
- Pop: Jesus.
- I came to realize that my family
Would applaud pretty much everything I did,
No matter how lame.
This was a bit of a letdown.
But it was also a comfort.
- Here, boy.
Good night.
- That was really good, my ducky.
Just play it again.
- Some people want the truth
But there'd be lots of time for that.
I was happy to have a family that loved me enough
To lie to me.
♪♪