1 00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:01,967 [truck horn blares] 2 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:03,435 - Adult mark (vo): Growing up, 3 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:05,503 The most popular room was also the smallest 4 00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:08,039 But it had the best seat in the house. 5 00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:09,841 - Pop: Occupied! 6 00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:11,342 Occupied! 7 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,912 - Mike sr.: Occupied! 8 00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,648 - Pop: Sweet jesus, I've seen it all before! 9 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,918 - The only way to avoid getting in each other's way 10 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,920 Was to gather in the flickering glow 11 00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:24,523 Of the modern fireplace and ignore each other... 12 00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:26,825 Together as a family. 13 00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:28,427 [laughter] 14 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,529 When kids my age were watching alf, 15 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:32,363 I was memorizing bob hope routines. 16 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,201 - I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger 17 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,969 And bigger; then it hit me. 18 00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:39,838 [laughter] 19 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,240 [upbeat jazz music] 20 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,142 Thank you very much. 21 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,145 Thank you very much. 22 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,547 - The schoolyard was what we comedians might call 23 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:50,916 A "tough room". 24 00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,451 - Hey, fellas. 25 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,352 Man is it cold today, or what? 26 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,888 You know, it's so cold the politicians 27 00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:58,090 Have their hands in their own pockets! 28 00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,491 [mark chuckles] 29 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,927 Say, fellas, 30 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:04,897 Did you catch that bob hope birthday tribute 31 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,365 Last night on tv? 32 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,565 You know you're getting old 33 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,301 When the candles cost more than the cake, 34 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,835 Am I right? 35 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:14,139 - This stuff killed at home, but on the schoolyard 36 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,675 It could very well end up getting me killed. 37 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,710 - You losers want to hear something really funny? 38 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:19,945 - Gary: Eddie murphy! 39 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,513 Whoa, I hear this is filthy! 40 00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:22,881 - Where'd you get that? 41 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,316 - It's my dad's. 42 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,652 Mom's gone on vacation with her dumb-ass new boyfriend 43 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,654 So I have to stay at his house. 44 00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,055 [boys laughing] 45 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:32,924 - What's so funny? 46 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,729 - I had never heard language like that before. 47 00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,797 Not even that time pop fell asleep 48 00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:41,266 With a lit smoke in his mouth. 49 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:43,601 - Your father lets you listen to language like that? 50 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,103 - He doesn't care. He's never home. 51 00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:46,572 - Gary: Give it back. 52 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,741 [boys laughing] 53 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,811 - Clearly, it was time to freshen up my act. 54 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,712 - Exciting news, children. 55 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,883 The school will be holding a public speaking contest 56 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:01,186 And though the bible tells us to judge not, 57 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,889 Sister rose and I will be doing just that. 58 00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,993 It will be happening one week from today 59 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,829 In the gymnatorium on the main stage. 60 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,764 - Finally! A stage. 61 00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,499 Comedy in front of nuns? 62 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,234 Now, that was my crowd. 63 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,103 - Thank you. Thank you. 64 00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:19,504 How are ya, folks? 65 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,373 Sisters, fathers, brothers. 66 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,375 I guess you could say the whole family is here! 67 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,243 Even the bishop made it. 68 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,612 And he can only move diagonally. 69 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,581 You're a great crowd. 70 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,116 I really mean that! 71 00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,684 [cheering; clapping] 72 00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,519 - Mark! Mark! Mark! 73 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,223 - Mark? 74 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:42,060 As I was saying, if any of you would like to participate, 75 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:45,464 Please see sister rose to register after school 76 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:46,831 In the music room. 77 00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,100 - After school? 78 00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:50,802 I had put my career on hold long enough. 79 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,205 - Sister, may I be excused? 80 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,606 [breathing heavily] 81 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,808 I left my inhaler in my coat. 82 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,443 - You can borrow mine. 83 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,144 - (whispered) shut up. 84 00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:01,446 - Be quick about it. 85 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,181 - He's not quick about anything. 86 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,120 - A vow of celibacy meant the only passion 87 00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:09,955 In sister rose's life was music. 88 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,458 - Sister rose. 89 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,295 Mark critch. Such a fan of your work. 90 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:19,965 A principal who also volunteers for music and public speaking? 91 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,433 [exhales] 92 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,834 Where do you find the time? 93 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,136 - Speaking of... - Hmm? 94 00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,838 - I would like to register for the contest! 95 00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,706 - You're ritchie perez's little friend. 96 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,509 Yes, you'll do nicely. 97 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,645 - I guess I do have a way with words. 98 00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,146 - Oh, no, not that. 99 00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:38,016 As you know, mr. Critch, I conduct the school orchestra. 100 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:39,918 I need a second cellist. 101 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,221 And now you show up out of the blue. 102 00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:46,190 Yes, this is divine intervention. 103 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,892 Your friend, ritchie, plays 104 00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:50,462 And now you will play the cello as well. 105 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,964 - Play cello? In my school? 106 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,699 This was a death sentence. 107 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,868 - Sister, I'm flattered, 108 00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:58,270 Obviously. 109 00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,638 I truly am 110 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,340 But I'm really trying to focus on my comedy right now. 111 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,142 So, about the contest-- 112 00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:05,711 - Oh, I'm not asking, mr. Critch. 113 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,345 - Desperate for warm bodies, 114 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,213 The nuns had turned to conscription. 115 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,548 I'd been drafted. 116 00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:14,152 - Rehearsals are tuesdays and thursdays at lunch. 117 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,154 Do not be late. 118 00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,155 - Uhh... 119 00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,157 I'm a big fan of lunch in general. 120 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,026 It's what I call 'me time'. 121 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:21,960 Maybe-- 122 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,628 - If you do not play the cello, 123 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,531 There will be no speaking contest for you. 124 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,033 - Checkmate. 125 00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:31,436 - And mark? 126 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,371 Are you 127 00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,575 Any relation to a mr. Patrick critch? 128 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,710 - He's my grandfather. 129 00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,945 - Do say hello for me. 130 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,319 - I couldn't sleep. 131 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,855 My dream had become a nightmare. 132 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,323 [cheering; applause] 133 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,457 - Hey! 134 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,859 Let me hear some noise! 135 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,761 [whoops] 136 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,995 Aren't nuns stupid? 137 00:04:58,032 --> 00:05:00,198 Nun said she saw me runnin' in the hall the other day. 138 00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,399 Know what I told her? 139 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,268 I told her it wasn't me! 140 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,135 Look at me. 141 00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,403 Do I look like I run? 142 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,072 I'm so lazy, I sweat gravy! 143 00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,707 [booing] 144 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,174 [dark music] 145 00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:16,214 - Now, what's wrong with you? 146 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,217 You got a face on ya like a boiled boot. 147 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,620 - Our nun principal is making me play the cello. 148 00:05:23,623 --> 00:05:25,423 And she said to say hello to you. 149 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,958 Sister rose? 150 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,261 - Sister rose. 151 00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:35,533 Oh, that's a long time since I've heard that name. 152 00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,370 Here. 153 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,038 - I want to be a comedian. 154 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,973 I don't want to be some dumb cellist. 155 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,241 - Mm-hm, here. 156 00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,843 Everyone will laugh at me! 157 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,911 - I'll get you out of it. I'll write you a note. 158 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,713 - That's awesome! 159 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,649 - You know, she's not as bad as she looks. 160 00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:52,917 - Thanks, pop. 161 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,386 - This should do it. 162 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,289 Here you are. Now... 163 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:00,125 Don't open it! 164 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,127 It's strongly worded. 165 00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,133 - What are you up to? 166 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:11,336 - I can't show an interest in my grandson's well-being 167 00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,739 Without there being some ulterior motive? 168 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,342 - Not usually, no. 169 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:18,810 [cello notes] 170 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,816 - You're not even trying. - I hate this! 171 00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,384 It's your fault that I'm here. 172 00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:28,653 - I'm not apologizing for being your friend. 173 00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,822 Besides, I'm glad you're here. 174 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,091 My parents make me play and I'm not very good. 175 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,493 But with you next to me, 176 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:35,961 I'm going to look way better. 177 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,562 - Nice. 178 00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:40,031 - Huh, first thing is how you hold the bow: 179 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,567 Make sure your thumb and number two finger 180 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,835 Are across from each other. 181 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,436 - You know what finger I'm about to use? 182 00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:46,605 - Mark! 183 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:48,707 - It was nice playing with you. 184 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,274 Good luck with it. 185 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,179 I'm so sorry to do this 186 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,581 But I have to quit. 187 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,850 I'm afraid my schedule simply does not allow. 188 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,220 I have a note. 189 00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:08,025 [pop clears his throat] 190 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,727 - Pop (vo): Dear sister rose, 191 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,329 Or "rosie" 192 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,465 As I knew you then when life was new 193 00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:15,934 And love was everything. 194 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,870 Do you remember that first kiss 195 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,705 Beneath the church bell tower? 196 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,943 The orange I gave you was as stolen as the kiss 197 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,613 But it was all I had to offer you, rosie. 198 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,548 My forbidden fruit! 199 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,884 I can still taste 200 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,553 The sweet citrus from your lips. 201 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,290 I swore I would never let another orange 202 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,891 Touch them again. 203 00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,425 I even got scurvy. 204 00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,695 The doctor put me on vitamin c pills 205 00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,763 But they gave me acid reflux. 206 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,966 Anyway, never mind about that. 207 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,334 Your eternal flame 208 00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:53,137 Will forever burn in my broken heart. 209 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,508 - Rose! 210 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,243 What do you think you're doing? 211 00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:00,278 Oh! 212 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,780 You come with me. 213 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,314 - Patrick! - Rose! 214 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,850 - Patrick! - Rose! 215 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,384 Rose!! 216 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,853 - May god forgive me. 217 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,322 P.S. Please excuse mark from cello. 218 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,058 The boy is soft. 219 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,793 All the best, patrick. 220 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,796 - I do not accept your note. 221 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,067 You can't enter 222 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,936 The speaking contest 223 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:29,274 Until you have mastered at least one song on the cello. 224 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,076 And you may give your grandfather 225 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,811 This note from me. 226 00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:37,816 Do not read it. 227 00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,552 It's a sin to covet the written words of others, 228 00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,754 And it is punishable by strapping. 229 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,091 - I don't remember that in the bible. 230 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,760 Must be post-vatican 2. 231 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,194 [exciting string music] 232 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,704 - What's in the box, tool? 233 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,372 Not like you to lift something heavy. 234 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,440 - I'm sorry. If I told you 235 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:03,975 I'd have to explain what a cello is 236 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,977 And then I'd have to explain what an orchestra is, 237 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,179 And I have a bus to catch. 238 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,881 [grunts] 239 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:10,916 - Aw, little wuss 240 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,851 Probably got his mommy in there. 241 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,086 - Forcing my mother inside a cello case 242 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,188 And then dragging it around school all day 243 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,923 Wouldn't make me a wuss, 244 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,792 It'd make me a psychopath. 245 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,260 - I know you are but what am I? 246 00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:25,063 - What? 247 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,831 [laughter] 248 00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,199 Oh, gee. 249 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:29,701 [laughter; grunting] 250 00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:32,270 [musical thud] 251 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,905 - Sounds like he got a cat in there. 252 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,842 - See? 253 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,377 It's a cello. 254 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,812 - It's a big guitar! 255 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,880 - No, idiot, it's a big fiddle. 256 00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:51,789 - Ow! 257 00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:53,290 Give it back! 258 00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:55,960 - Hey, look at me; I'm eddie van halen! 259 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,561 [plonking strings] 260 00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:01,099 - Seriously, how is there never a nun around when you need one? 261 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,701 - Okay, that's enough, nimrods. 262 00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,302 - He's gonna miss his bus. - Oh, you hear that? 263 00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:07,772 Her boyfriend's gonna miss his bus. 264 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,474 - Ooh! 265 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,108 - Get in the case. 266 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,210 - Get off me. Stop, let go! 267 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,181 - Come on, get her in, get her in. 268 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,682 [laughter] 269 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:24,522 - It was either me or the cello and I hated the cello 270 00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,925 Almost as much as I hated the foxes. 271 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,492 So, I picked me. 272 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,132 [door opens] 273 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,668 [shuffling footsteps] 274 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,405 - Did she read my note? 275 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,640 - Yep, she gave me this. 276 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,242 - Hm. 277 00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,380 [emotional music] 278 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:50,748 - Sister rose (vo): My dearest patrick, 279 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,418 Oh, how your words made me tremble. 280 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,454 I felt as though I was a young girl again. 281 00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,024 [wolf whistle] 282 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,432 Patrick... 283 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:08,833 My heart! 284 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,969 [dramatic music] 285 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,505 - You stay away! 286 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,639 - Rose, don't go! - Patrick! 287 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,608 - Why did you not fight for me that day? 288 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,110 - Stay away! 289 00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:23,181 - She who would gladly spend an eternity in hell 290 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,716 For just one night 291 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,051 In your fiery embrace. 292 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,453 P.S. 293 00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,922 Mark may not be excused from playing cello. 294 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,824 While the boy is soft, I am a cellist short. 295 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,529 - I'm going to write you another note. 296 00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:40,164 [deep sigh] 297 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,600 - Who loses a cello? 298 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:43,935 - I didn't lose it. 299 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,470 It was beaten from me. 300 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,071 [indistinct conversations] 301 00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,673 What the hell, fox? 302 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,509 I called you three times last night - no answer. 303 00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:53,210 - I'm staying at my dad's, dummy. 304 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,480 - Where's my cello? 305 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,982 - My brother tried to sell it but nobody wants a stupid cello 306 00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,483 So he dumped it in my dad's backyard. 307 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,886 - That's not good, too much humidity. Varnish wo-- 308 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,154 - Stay out of this. 309 00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,756 You have to take me there at lunch. 310 00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,391 - No! 311 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,359 Dad said I'm not allowed to have kids over. 312 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,594 - Well, too bad. 313 00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:11,696 Maybe his kids shouldn't steal cellos then! 314 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:12,964 - You don't understand. 315 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,299 - No, you don't understand. 316 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,300 That nun is going to kill me. 317 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:17,635 [school bell] 318 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,170 - We're gonna be late. 319 00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:21,839 - I thought we were friends 320 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,374 But you're no better than your brothers. 321 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:24,909 You're all the same. 322 00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,278 - Fine. 323 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,780 Lunchtime. 324 00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,849 But you do as I say or so help me... 325 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,350 ♪♪ 326 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,790 - I asked ritchie to cover for me. 327 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,792 Perhaps I asked too much. 328 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,193 - He's coming. 329 00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,462 He just had to go to the washroom first. 330 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,063 - Mm. 331 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,732 [exhales] 332 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,335 - I think he had to poop. 333 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,139 He's been pooping a lot lately. 334 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:58,209 - Eh, um, we shall begin without him. 335 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,220 - Fox was embarrassed by her father's house 336 00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:10,555 But I envied her. 337 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,223 I longed for neighbours to play with 338 00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:15,860 And she literally had them on the other side of her walls. 339 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,162 - I'm not supposed to just show up. 340 00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,765 - That doesn't make any sense. It's your house, too. 341 00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,234 - I don't stay here; it's just 'cuz mom is out of town 342 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,836 With her dumb boyfriend. 343 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,370 You wouldn't understand. 344 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,546 - Hm. 345 00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,316 He should be here by now. 346 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,051 - It's definitely a poop. 347 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,419 - Stop talking about poop! 348 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:43,454 I'm going to check on him. 349 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,656 - I have to poop whenever I eat ice cream. 350 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,858 - What? 351 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,292 - Every ice cream day, 352 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,327 I bring 50 cents for a fudge stick. 353 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,929 But whenever I eat it, 354 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,531 My stomach hurts. 355 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,600 - Why don't you just stop eating them? 356 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,135 - They taste too good. 357 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:59,070 One time I didn't make it. 358 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,739 Had to hide my pants in a snowbank. 359 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,609 - Eh, ju-ju-just play it again. 360 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,453 [wrestling show playing on tv] 361 00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:16,955 - Announcer: Listen to the roar 362 00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,489 Of this capacity crowd 363 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,158 Here at memorial stadium 364 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,893 For the superstars of wrestling. 365 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,695 [door closing] 366 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,297 - The air was heavy with an unfamiliar smell 367 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,032 That I now know as beer. 368 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,701 - Announcer: Whipper billy watson 369 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,168 Faces off against (indistinct) 370 00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,108 [dramatic music swell] 371 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,642 [snoring] 372 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:50,855 [dog barking in distance] 373 00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,657 - Take it and go! 374 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:53,992 [upsetting music] 375 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,194 [emotional cello music] 376 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,970 [grunts and groans] 377 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,040 Be quiet. 378 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,811 - Announcer: He's coming up against the ropes here now and-- 379 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,280 - Ohh!! - [door slams shut] 380 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,948 [beer bottle skitters across floor] 381 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,016 - Whipper is really going to work! 382 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,820 Oh, I mean, how much more can a man withstand? 383 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,822 [dramatic music crescendo] 384 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:29,093 - This is what you do when I'm asleep, is it? 385 00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,663 - I had never been more terrified in my life 386 00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,530 And I was taught by nuns. 387 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,536 - Where'd you steal that? 388 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,505 - It's his. He left it here. 389 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,040 He's just a friend from school, dad. 390 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,409 - This what you do at lunch times, you bring boys home? 391 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,545 You're just like your mother, you are. 392 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,113 - Just go. 393 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,249 Go! 394 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,185 - So, who told you you could come here? 395 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,654 You tell your mother and her friggin' boyfriend 396 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:59,924 That I ain't running no frigging daycare centre, ya hear me? 397 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,863 - Should I play it again or... 398 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,203 [heavy breathing] 399 00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,406 - Sorry I'm late. 400 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,940 I... 401 00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,542 [sighs] 402 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,345 [latch unclasping] 403 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,813 [disheartening music] 404 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,683 [romantic music] 405 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,057 - Sweet merciful christ. 406 00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,995 - Pop gave me this for you. 407 00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:41,232 - Pop (vo): My dearest rosie. 408 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,434 As I watched her pull you away, 409 00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,069 I could only think of two things. 410 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,972 One: That you had some kind of arse on ya. 411 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,373 [chuckles] 412 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,643 And two: That a fool like me could never offer you 413 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,445 Anything but grief. 414 00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,249 What a fool I was all those years ago. 415 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,053 I know that you believe in a heaven 416 00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,855 That I shall never see 417 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,990 But, if god pities liars 418 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,458 And we do meet again, 419 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,393 Let us love each other 420 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,196 The way we should have done from the start. 421 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,464 P.S. 422 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,400 Let the boy off the hook 423 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,735 And I'll come over there and grab onto you 424 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,871 Like you were the last life jacket 425 00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,739 On the bloody titanic. 426 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,274 [sister mary gulps] 427 00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:24,875 [music ends abruptly] 428 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,778 - You don't have to play the cello anymore. 429 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,947 Get out. 430 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,417 ♪♪ 431 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,498 - Look, I didn't see anything and I was never in your house, 432 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,966 Okay? 433 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,703 But he shouldn't grab you like that. 434 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,173 - I knew it. I can't trust you. 435 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,507 This is all your fault. 436 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,242 You're dead if you say anything. 437 00:17:58,377 --> 00:17:59,777 Do you hear me? Dead! 438 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,853 - Tina (through speakers): And, in conclusion, 439 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:11,188 That is why I plan to keep my virginity 440 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,324 Until marriage and save it for jesus! 441 00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,925 Thank you! 442 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,426 [polite applause] 443 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,533 - Our next speaker is mark critch. 444 00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,068 His topic is... 445 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,205 Jokes. 446 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,672 Mark? 447 00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,342 - Hello? 448 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:32,676 [feedback] 449 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,711 I mean, "how are ya?" 450 00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:37,949 Good news! 451 00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:39,817 The principal said we are only going to have 452 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,552 A half day of school this morning. 453 00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,354 [enthusiastic cheering and applause] 454 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,024 And the bad news is 455 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:50,294 We're going to have the other half in the afternoon. 456 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,696 [groans then silence] 457 00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,165 Uh... 458 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:57,235 I told my mother I got a hundred the other day. 459 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,904 I got a 60 in spelling and a 40 in math. 460 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,406 - The old jokes I'd learned were bombing. 461 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,942 I put fox through all of that for nothing. 462 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,344 "screw it," I figured. 463 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,778 If I was going to bomb, 464 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,114 At least I'd bomb with original material. 465 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:12,717 - The other day, I asked sister rose 466 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,853 If she would give me the strap for something I didn't do. 467 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,656 She said, "no, of course not!" 468 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,191 So I said, "good," 469 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,059 Because I didn't do my homework." 470 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:23,528 [laughter; applause] 471 00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,934 I asked sister margaret if pets go to heaven. 472 00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,169 She wouldn't answer. 473 00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,070 I then asked her if god created everything 474 00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:34,738 Then who made god? 475 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,841 She told me to stop asking questions. 476 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,143 She's not so much of a catholic nun 477 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:41,144 And more of a none-of-your-business. 478 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,047 [laughter; applause] 479 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,654 - As sister margaret dragged me off the stage by the ear, 480 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:54,258 I realized I didn't need to be bob hope or eddie murphy. 481 00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:57,028 I just needed to be myself. 482 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,562 [cheerful music] 483 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,097 [applause continues] 484 00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,320 - Ho. [giggling] 485 00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,690 Hm. 486 00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,225 - Hm. Hm-hm-hm. 487 00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:31,695 - Gross! 488 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,164 [gasp] 489 00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:35,332 - Sister rose: What was I thinking? 490 00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,002 [music ends dramatically] 491 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,403 - Hey! 492 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,074 - Surprisingly, 493 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,277 Once I no longer had to play the cello, 494 00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,046 I actually kind of wanted to play the cello. 495 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,614 [last note drags across string] 496 00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,249 - Pop: Jesus. 497 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,184 - I came to realize that my family 498 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:56,254 Would applaud pretty much everything I did, 499 00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:57,922 No matter how lame. 500 00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,890 This was a bit of a letdown. 501 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,692 But it was also a comfort. 502 00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,361 - Here, boy. 503 00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,598 Good night. 504 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,535 - That was really good, my ducky. 505 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,203 Just play it again. 506 00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:15,039 - Some people want the truth 507 00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,774 But there'd be lots of time for that. 508 00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:20,243 I was happy to have a family that loved me enough 509 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,679 To lie to me. 510 00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:23,880 ♪♪