Adult mark (v.O.): The provincial drama festival
Was the stanley cup for theatre nerds,
And I wanted to be the gretzky of the stage.
Like jerry lewis and charlie chaplin,
I was directing!
We decided to write our own play,
But my friends were as bad at writing as they were at acting.
-[stilted] I have the test results.
You're pregnant.
-[melodramatic] but I'm only 16!
A-- a child having a child?!
What'll I tell my parents?
-That's not all. You also have...
Herpes!
Adult mark (v.O.): We put the "drama" in drama festival.
-It was supposed to be just one kiss!
But then I had just one beer, and now I'll have just one baby!
Mark: Fox!
Come on, this is the cue to cue!
You're on lights. This is for you!
-Frig off, you're not a teacher!
You can't tell me what to do.
-I'm the director.
That's exactly what I'm supposed to do.
Tina...
That was a little big.
-A little big? What's that even mean?
-This play sucks!
-Guys! We can still win this.
I mean, teen sex, drugs, pregnancy!
We're a shoe-in.
The adjudicator had a role on degrassi!
Adult mark (v.O.): Stacey devine!
A newfoundland actress on national tv.
Unheard of!
Stacey: [tv] no running!
Adult mark (v.O.): It was only one line, but still!
This could be my big break!
-My back hurts. Can I get up now?
-Fine.
Adult mark (v.O.): If we were going to win,
They didn't need direction, they needed inspiration!
-Guys...
Who else is writing their own show?
This a collective.
A troupe. This is a family.
Other schools may have bigger casts or bigger sets.
But...
We've got something they don't.
[inspirational music]
Us!
Now, let's take it from the top.
Adult mark (v.O.): This could be my big break.
-Action!
Ritche: Uh...
Line?
Adult mark (v.O.): We didn't stand a chance.
-[sighs]
-You're late gettin' that turkey in!
He's gonna be here soon!
-I'm goin' as fast as I can.
Adult mark (v.O.): The festival wasn't my only
Acting challenge.
Pop's brother was coming home from the states,
So we all had to act like we were normal.
-How's your play? Mike, we need to get tickets.
Mark: Oh, don't bother. It's a disaster.
I'm working with amateurs.
-I know what you mean. -[platter rattling]
Stuff it! Don't beat it to death.
-Where does your brother live, again?
-Newfoundland...
New jersey.
-There's a newfoundland in new jersey?
-A lot of newfoundlanders moved away
During the depression.
Now, your great-uncle leo is a big success.
He managed a steel plant. He's the only rich critch.
-So why's he coming back here, then?
Pop: Good question!
He hasn't shown his face around these parts in 25 years.
'cause he's a stuck-up arse.
-Whatever the reason, he's coming,
And we want him to feel at home.
That's why we're throwing him a nice thanksgiving dinner.
-Isn't thanksgiving in October?
-Americans celebrate in November.
That's what you call "multiculturalism," hm?
-Well, if he's so rich, maybe he'll bring us
Something nice from new york, huh?
-Heh. Good luck.
He's tighter than a cod's arse.
He could peel an orange in his pocket.
Mary: Oh, pack!
I lost me ring!
-Where?
Where do you think? Up its arse!
-You can't serve a turkey with a ring inside!
It's not a box of cracker jacks. Find it!
-Ah!
Oh.
It was in the dressing.
-Stuffing, not dressing! Stuffing!
It's an american thanksgiving.
-I will stuff you!
-Never seen an american before.
-They're like mainlanders, only louder.
-Hm.
-Were you in my room?
-No.
Swear to god...
-Then why are you wearing my turtle neck?
-It's my director aesthetic.
-Ah. Nerd. I'm gonna kill ya!
-No! -Come here!
Mike sr: Boys, boys! Now, stop your skylarking!
Mark: Not the face! I am an actor!
Mary: If I drop this friggin' turkey...
-[distant knocking] -mike sr: Give it up!
Come here! Give it up!
Alright, quit it! Give it up!
-I knocked! -Leo?
-You never answered.
-It's not always about you, leo.
Brothers.
Leo: So I told him, "I run this steel yard,
"you're workin' for me, you're on time.
"you're fired!"
-[pop grumbles] -[boys laugh]
-You know, I'm currently dealing with some staffing...
Incompetencies, myself.
-In this world, the only person you rely on is yourself.
Adult mark (v.O.): I'd never seen american bravado before.
He was like john wayne and frank sinatra mixed together.
Leo: Hey, boys.
Something to remember me by.
A little greenie.
-Oh... -American money!
-There's always been two critch brothers.
Me and pat...
Your dad, poor brendan...
And now, you two boys.
No more fighting?
-Yes, sir.
-There you go.
-Alright, stop playing the big shot, leo.
There's no need for that.
-Ah, who's it gonna hurt?
I got plenty anyway and no one to give it to.
Hey, that reminds me.
Mark, will you bring that big box from the hallway?
Mary, darling, come in here!
-Ah, supper-- I mean, dinner, is almost ready.
-This is for you.
-Oh...
-When my jenny died,
I started giving her clothes to the goodwill.
Then I decided to come home and I thought,
"here's where they'll do more good."
-Oh...
[quietly] oh...
-Well, that is...
Quite a dress.
Pop: Did you forget to pack the penicillin?
Where do you think this is?
We don't need your care packages!
-It's very kind of you, leo.
-Yeah, you know, mom, you should try it on.
-Oh, not while I'm cooking.
I wouldn't want to get a stain on it.
-But, mom... It's from america!
Pop: Careful in the kitchen.
Looks flammable.
-[chuckles awkwardly]
Mike jr: [quietly] my god!
-[chuckles]
An american thanksgiving in newfoundland.
They'll never believe me back home!
-So, pop,
You ever wish you went off to live in the states like leo?
-He did.
-Ah, that's enough of that.
-Did you see the empire state building?
Leo: See it? We built it!
We worked in the high steel together.
-Alright, alright, if the story's gonna be told,
I'll tell you the story.
He'll only arse it up.
So, we went to new york.
Nobody had built that high before.
The yankees recruited the newfoundlanders
Because we weren't afraid of heights.
We were used to climbing the rigging of the schooners.
There was no work back home, so off we went,
To new york to work the high steel.
They laughed at us and called us "fish,"
But it was the newfoundlanders that built new york!
All we had was each other, and our only inheritance...
Our late father's watch.
Just in case we had to hawk it.
-So, did you have to sell the watch?
-I was tempted...
Many a time.
But I just couldn't bear to part with it.
-You've still got the watch? -[watch ticking]
-Can I hold it?
Pop: Ah, now, that there is the last thing on earth
That your great-grandfather owned.
-Hey, gimme that.
-Still tickin'.
-Pop, why'd you come back?
-I dunno.
It just...
Wasn't for me.
-Yeah, you left me behind in the concrete jungle.
Can you imagine?
-Were you scared?
-Scared? Terrified!
You can't depend on your brother, who can you count on?
But I learned to do it for myself.
Never let anyone stand in your way of climbing to the top.
Even if you have to build the top yourself, like I did!
-Happy american thanksgiving!
-Oh, my.
Oh, that was her second favourite dress.
-Second?
-I buried her in her good dress.
[morose music]
♪
That was the best meal I had since jenny died.
-Mm-hm.
-They're good boys.
You gotta stop 'em fighting, though.
Life's too short for brothers to fall out.
-You didn't tell me you still had the watch.
-You're not still mad about that?
-Look, I was the oldest. It was my watch.
-Yeah, you left it behind when you left me behind.
-I left the watch for you, in case you had to sell it.
-I'd die before I ever sold that watch.
It's the only thing I have of him.
Or you!
We had a plan.
We were gonna make our money and go into business together.
Critch brothers.
Then you upped and left me for a girl.
-Kate wrote to me and told me she was pregnant.
I had to choose my family.
-I'm your family too, pat.
With jenny gone, you're the only family I have left, pat.
I came here to see you because life's too short to quarrel.
-I wouldn't know how long it is.
I haven't got a watch.
[watch ticking]
Adult mark (v.O.): Leo was right.
The only person I could count on was myself.
I stayed up all night rewriting.
I was gonna make it to the top,
Even if I had to walk over my friends to get there.
Newscaster: [tv] cfl action, third and final round.
Oh, interception!
-Canadian football is terrible.
-Football was invented in canada.
-At mcgill university, by a... -Leo: Newfoundlander.
Pop: Exactly.
-Hey.
What's in the bag?
-Oh, this, yeah.
Uh, I was just throwing some stuff out.
-Oh, yeah?
-Just...
-Oh, my hat and my shirt...
-I needed some costumes for the play.
Support the arts!
-You stay out of my room, okay?
That's it! That's done.
-Hey, hey, guys, look.
I got a bunch of old clothes in that box I brought.
You can have 'em.
Let's go take a look.
Come on.
Hey, go easy on the kid, huh?
You'll remember every time you didn't.
[poignant music]
Adult mark (v.O.): My new version of the play had it all:
Drama, romance, comedy.
The only thing it didn't have
Was stuff anyone else had written.
-You rewrote my speech?
How the hell am I supposed to learn new lines?
The show's tonight!
-You want fame? Well, fame costs.
And right here is where you start paying.
With sweat.
-I don't want fame.
Ritche: Hey! The song I wrote is cut.
-Oh...
The song.
Well, it just wasn't working.
I didn't have the heart to say it before,
But it's show "business," not show "friends."
Adult mark (v.O.): Leo was right.
If I wanted it done right, I'd have to do it myself.
-I don't have any lines at all now.
My parents are coming.
-There are no small parts, gary.
Only small actors.
-I guess I quit, then.
Mark: Quit? You can't quit!
The show's tonight! -Man, you really messed that up.
-If you don't go back to the old script,
I'm gonna quit too.
Adult mark (v.O.): I couldn't give in.
I was the director!
-Fine.
You're fired.
-You can't fire me. I quit!
-Still a little big.
-Come on, ritche.
-Ritche...
-I'm only in her scenes.
What's the point?
-You're my best friend!
-Then why'd you cut my song?
-Uh...
Adult mark (v.O.): If my friends didn't have my back...
-Fine!
Adult mark (v.O.): I'd have my own.
-I wrote it, I'm directing it, and I'll star in it too.
You're not quitting?
-The only reason I'm staying
Is to see how this all goes down.
Adult mark (v.O.): If I didn't need anyone but myself,
Why did I feel so lonely?
-You're leaving so soon?
Things moving too slow in the sticks?
-[chuckles]
I spent the first 20 years of my life
Trying to get away from this place,
And I spent the last 20 wishing I'd never left.
-Hey, you don't have to go.
You could spend the next 20 here.
-I don't have 20, pat.
[poignant music]
♪
-How long you got?
-Who knows.
The doctor's just a kid.
But he was right about jenny, so...
I figured newfoundland would be just as I left it.
Like it was waiting for me.
But time moves on.
And coming back ain't the same as never leaving.
-Hm.
You did good.
You deserve to be proud.
-Hey, you win, pat.
What you built here, that'll last longer than any skyscraper.
You're the one that should be proud.
-Hm.
You know, I think we both ended up
Where we we're supposed to be.
-[chuckles]
Here...
Leo: This is yours.
[watch ticking]
-Ah.
You hold onto it.
I'll get it next time.
-I'm out of time, pat.
Thanks for lending it to me.
♪
Announcement: And now the entry from st. Bridget's school,
"just a baby myself,"
Written, directed by, and starring mark critch.
-Attention, students!
We have an expert here today to talk to you about the, uh...
The s word!
The, uh, "s-e-x" word.
["cool" voice] oh, wow. Hah!
Adults can never talk to us kids straight about sex.
Hah!
[jazz music playing]
-[regular voice] who said that?
["cool" voice] I did.
But adults never hear us kids, do they?
Did I just break the fourth wall?
Better get a repair man, 'cause, yeah, I did.
You want the straight stuff?
This may not be your story...
But it could be!
So, be careful.
Careful...
Of sex.
[electric guitar note]
-My coat?
[punk voice] hey! Huh!
Name's chuck.
♪
There are three things I love.
Girls, drugs, and sex.
And one thing I hate...
Condoms.
Adult mark (v.O.): The problem with not needing anybody
Is not having anyone to tell you
When you're making a fool of yourself.
-God...
Adult mark (v.O.): The thing about being in the spotlight
Is that you can't see who's in the audience.
-I have the test results...
You're pregnant.
[high voice] but I'm only 16.
A baby myself!
I-I mean... What'll I tell my parents?
It was supposed to be just one kiss!
How could I fall for all the lies he told me?
["cool" voice] you can't get pregnant the first time!
You can't get pregnant in a swimming pool.
You can't get pregnant if you use a chip bag as a condom.
-Ugh!
-[high voice] I was an unwed mother.
There was no bou-quet but that was o-kay.
I mean, what would you get a teen bride, anyway?
A bouquet of oopsie-daisies?
And remember, my name's lisa,
But it could be...
You.
I'm gonna raise my son to respect women.
Women...
Like me.
[spotlight apparatus creaking]
[silence]
[hesitant applause]
-Thank you, thank you!
[more applause]
Announcement: There will be a short intermission
While the next school sets up.
-That was hilarious.
As good as a concert.
-It's not supposed to be funny.
-Well...
-Mark... -Miss devine!
Can I say, you were just phenomenal on degrassi!
-Thank you.
The other kids in the program, were they sick, or...
-They weren't like us.
They didn't have that, uh, killer instinct, you know?
-The cast list is very different than what was submitted.
Theatre is a team sport, mark.
I'm afraid you're disqualified.
Save the drama for the stage.
You, young lady, you were great.
Very professional.
Walk with me?
Adult mark (v.O.): Fox beamed brighter than any spotlight.
But for me, it was curtains.
-That was somethin'.
-Here to see me embarrass myself?
-No.
Actually, I'm here to see just how much of my stuff you stole.
-Look, I'm sorry I stole all your stuff.
-We're brothers, right?
What's mine is yours.
-Same.
-I don't want any of your stuff.
-Understandable.
-Head up.
-[sighs]
Congratulations.
At least one of us has a future in show business.
-I don't want one.
Neither did anybody else.
-Wha... Does everyone hate me?
-So what if they do?
You don't need anyone else, right?
Look, maybe you should try doing something
The rest of us wanna do once in a while.
Not everything has to be a one-man show.
-We need to set up.
-We're going, nerd.
Adult mark (v.O.): Sometimes we lock others out
Because we're afraid to let them in.
-Oh, uh, let me get this end.
-Thanks.
Adult mark (v.O.): But nobody can do it all on their own.
♪
-Oops.
Adult mark (v.O.): Sure, you can go it alone,
But life is sweeter with someone to share it.
-That's a sin for you!
Adult mark (v.O.): Life's too short
When you're with the people you love,
And too long when you're on your own.
♪
Adult mark (v.O.): So, don't make it all about yourself,
And you might learn,
We make the best music when we learn to play together.
-One, two, three, four! -[dissonant music]
♪
[dissonant music continues]
♪