1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,530 Oh, I gotta stop. I gotta stop this story. 4 00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:32,282 I gotta stop the story. Stop story. 5 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,577 Oh, come on. Load, why are you taking so long. 6 00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,496 Why are you so slow. 7 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,123 Oh, I need to stop the story. 8 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,000 No updates now! 9 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:46,171 Oh, come on. I gotta stop it. 10 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,382 He's coming. He's coming up the stairs. 11 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,385 He's coming up the stairs, I have to stop it now! 12 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,972 Come on, stop, stop, stop, stop. 13 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,932 Go away! Call 911. 14 00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:00,686 Somebody call 911. Oh, geez! No! 15 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,439 No, no, no! 16 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,155 - Jasmin? - Yes? 17 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:38,283 Alexandria. Do you have a quick second to talk? 18 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,219 I don't feel like talking to the press right now. 19 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,745 I'm not the press. 20 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,389 I actually work with your father really closely 21 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,581 at destiny publishing. 22 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,083 - Okay. - Did he mention 23 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,685 any short stories that we was working on? 24 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,461 It could be his best work yet. 25 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:51,171 I have to go right now, may I? 26 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,090 This actually might be worth a lot of money, 27 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,634 seems like you might need it. It could help you out a lot. 28 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,219 - Excuse me? You got... - The expenses 29 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,428 on the house, taxes... 30 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,930 You've got some nerve. 31 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,432 - May I? - It could help you out a lot. 32 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,702 - How long are you in town for? - A couple of days, a week, 33 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,520 - what does it matter? - Here's my card. 34 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,773 If you happen to find anything, just give me a call. 35 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,191 Whatever. 36 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,214 Jasmin, where did you get this? 37 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,406 In your room, daddy! 38 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:42,741 Why did you bring it down here? 39 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,493 To play with them. 40 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,995 But it's not a toy, it's a very expensive collectible. 41 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,538 It's worth a lot of money. 42 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,624 Do not play with this again. Ever. 43 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:53,084 Jasmin, I'm busy right now, I'm writing. 44 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,836 I'm writing. Just put it over there, 45 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,922 I'll look at it later, okay? 46 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,590 Jasmin, what are you doing here? 47 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,467 Papa', gpor qué no me quiere? 48 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,052 Speak English, Jasmin! 49 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,304 We don't speak Spanish anymore in this house. 50 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:07,307 I lost my accent, you can lose your accent. 51 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:08,725 Listen, practice this, 52 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:12,312 "she sells seashells by the sea shore." 53 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,480 Can you do that? 54 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,398 She sells she... 55 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,900 Ugh, whatever! 56 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,110 You've been hanging around that maid too much. 57 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,737 You're speaking too much Spanish. 58 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,572 You need to go out with the anglo boys and 59 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,991 - learn better English, now! - At least she cares! 60 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,003 Pass... 61 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,713 Word. 62 00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:49,057 Jasmin. 63 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,866 Frankenstein. 64 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,165 How pathetic. 65 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,632 Oh, my dear Jasmin. 66 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:26,469 As you are watching this, uh, I'm most likely dead. 67 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,638 Or maybe you've broken into my computer. 68 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,933 I'm gonna go with dead for now. 69 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,978 Listen, I know you think I've always been hard on you, 70 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,523 or ignored you, but at a certain point, 71 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,233 you did the same to me. 72 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,611 Have you ever read any of my books? Even one? 73 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,696 Did you ever show any interest in my work? 74 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,532 So, as I see it, we're even. It's tit for tat. 75 00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:50,285 Jasmin, I know in death, families always want to have 76 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:53,163 a moment of resolution where they get together and say, 77 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,998 "I wish we 'd said this to one another 78 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,416 while we were still alive," 79 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,501 and then we'd have closure. 80 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,338 My point of view is, if we didn't say it back then, 81 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,131 we ain't gonna say it now. 82 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:06,760 Jasmin, whatever resolutions you wanted to have, 83 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,720 or hoped to have with me, 84 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,847 I guess they're not gonna happen. 85 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:13,266 Now, Jasmin, I need to talk about the will. 86 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,978 Um, it's gonna happen someday, you're gonna get everything. 87 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,772 Everything in the house is yours, 88 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,982 the books are the most valuable thing, 89 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:24,110 and all the movie rights and the royalties that go with it, 90 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,737 you get all that. 91 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,740 Let me tell you about my most recent project. 92 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:31,201 Aw, it's gonna be great! It's gonna be big! 93 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,578 80 big, it's gonna be the biggest thing I've ever done. 94 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:37,165 I bought a 17th century book on black magic. 95 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:41,503 And in that book, they teach you how to cast magical spells 96 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,171 by writing stories about them. 97 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,507 And when you read these stories aloud, 98 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,258 they come to life. 99 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:49,219 So, this could be much bigger than anything 100 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,972 than you'd see in 3D, men in tights 101 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,682 hanging from some walls somewhere. 102 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,475 No, this is gonna be so much bigger. 103 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:58,478 Because when you read these stories out loud, 104 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,230 they come to life. 105 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,816 You can have a real vampire in your own kitchen. 106 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,568 Now, if you do this, remember you don't... 107 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,948 Oh my god, he's gone crazy. 108 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,919 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the audio book of 109 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,422 my famous short story collection, 110 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,007 monsters in the closet. 111 00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:30,885 Based on a 17th century book of black magic. 112 00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:33,722 Our first story takes place on a misty night 113 00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,599 with the smell of mold everywhere. 114 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,326 Forced it shut! 115 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,085 Shit! Oh fuck! No! 116 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:48,797 Ah, no! No! 117 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,507 Oh fuck! 118 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,225 Hello? 119 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,146 Somebody there? 120 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:51,568 Hey. Hey, man, you need help? 121 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:35,904 Oh, shit! 122 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,740 It's gotta be somewhere. 123 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,082 Oh, my god. Twinkie. 124 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,923 Oh, these are... 125 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,345 Not how I remember them tasting. 126 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,359 Apple. 127 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,749 Ugh! 128 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:14,043 Oh, god. 129 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:46,260 Oh! 130 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,141 Hey, wait for me! I'm coming with you. 131 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,936 Maybe we can work as a team. 132 00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:14,247 Is that door locked too? 133 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,332 Get the fuck away from me! 134 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:19,085 - Fuck! - Maybe we can... 135 00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,336 Oh, shit! 136 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,838 May... urr. 137 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,592 - Fuck. - You piece of shit! 138 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:29,011 Hey, what the fuck? I'm trying to help you! 139 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,431 Ah! 140 00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:43,818 All right! Bring it on, you fucking scum! 141 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:47,947 Oh, fuck! Oh god, that hurts! 142 00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:49,574 Oh, fuck! 143 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,203 Get off! 144 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,990 Dude. 145 00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,743 You okay? 146 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,370 What is that wonderful smell? 147 00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,331 Is that... 148 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,832 Is that coming from... 149 00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:40,958 Is that coming from you? 150 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:45,296 Please, please be lasagne in your pockets. Please. 151 00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:53,930 Mm, mmm, mm. 152 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,932 Why'd I do that? 153 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,892 I just meant to smell it. 154 00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,978 Hey, stop. No. Don't. 155 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:04,315 Spit it out, spit it, spit it. 156 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:05,650 Good girl. 157 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,946 Chris? 158 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,322 Chris? 159 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,452 Oh, Chris. Not you too. 160 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,705 I'm sorry. 161 00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:22,458 Oh, oh yeah. No, uh... 162 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:26,796 I'm not going to finish it. You can have the rest. 163 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:30,091 So you will not believe what I just did. 164 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,094 Oh wait, no. Yeah, maybe you would. 165 00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,805 Yeah. Right. 166 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,766 Hey, do you mind if we stick together? 167 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,977 This is kind of... 168 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,062 I mean, are they going to eat us? 169 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:45,606 Are we going to eat them? 170 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,526 Is there a cure for this shit or is it like herpes? 171 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,989 You know, I probably should have 172 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,825 told you this before, but... 173 00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:00,121 I used to have the hugest crush on you. 174 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,459 Yeah, not so much right now. 175 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:09,130 So, how long have you been a zombie? 176 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,299 Are there rules I should know? 177 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,658 You know, you really haven't changed 178 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,078 all that much, come to think of it. 179 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,429 - Ugh! - What? 180 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,014 [Gunshofl 181 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,730 Oh, baby. 182 00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,648 It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. 183 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:29,317 I know, I would be scared too, 184 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,402 but everything is gonna be all right, I pro... 185 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:36,032 Fuck, oh fuck! 186 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,034 Fuck, did I just do that? 187 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,911 I didn't mean... Chris. Shit, I didn't mean to do that. 188 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:46,042 No, no, no, I won't let you have her. 189 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,044 Come on, come with me. 190 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,879 Come on. Get away from them. 191 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,547 Leave her alone. Get out, get away. 192 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,257 I won't let you have her. 193 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,218 We'll hide in here. I know just the place. 194 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,554 Shh, be very quiet. 195 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,640 Be very quiet, they won't find us. 196 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:06,395 Stay right there, wait for me. I'm gonna lock the door. 197 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,860 They won't find us in here. I promise you. Come on. 198 00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,904 Let's get away from the door. Come with me. 199 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,824 You have to be very still, be very quiet. 200 00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,744 That's a good girl. 201 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,996 Shh, shh, shh. 202 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,164 Be a good girl. 203 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,874 Be a good girl. 204 00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:30,544 Wait right here with me. 205 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,546 We will... shit. 206 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,924 It's all right. 207 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:38,302 We'll wait them out. They'll go away. 208 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,389 They'll go away. They can't get in. The door is locked. 209 00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:43,265 I promise you, they can't get in. 210 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,558 It's going to be all right. 211 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,268 Just stay with me. Stay very still. 212 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,104 Be very quiet. Stay with me. 213 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,272 I've got you. I've got you, it's okay. 214 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,775 No, no! 215 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,944 Please go away. It's okay. 216 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,947 It's going to be okay. Don't worry, I've got you. 217 00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,449 I won't let them hurt you. I won't let you hurt her. 218 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,244 It's gonna be all right. Stay right here with me. 219 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,413 No, no, no. 220 00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:07,123 You can't have her. Please! 221 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,542 For god's sake, leave her alone. 222 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,681 Oh, no. 223 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,004 Ugh! Damn it. 224 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:07,933 Damn it. 225 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,269 These hands. 226 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,564 Oh, here. 227 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,524 Here. 228 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,860 Take it, take the gun. Take it. 229 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,404 Take it! Kill me, kill me. 230 00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,698 Kill me. You fucker, kill me! 231 00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:26,744 Kill, kill, kill me! Kill me. 232 00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,420 I'm so sorry. 233 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,215 Please don't hate me. 234 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:42,885 No! 235 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,637 Oh, that's pretty. 236 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:51,060 See, there's always something to smile about. 237 00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:54,939 The sun is out, the air is... 238 00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:58,067 Well, it's pretty rank, actually. But... 239 00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:00,236 Over there, quick. 240 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,072 Eat led, zombie bitch. 241 00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:07,243 Folks, wasn't that a great story? 242 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,828 A little bit scary. 243 00:22:08,911 --> 00:22:10,371 Zombies, you gotta stay away from 'em 244 00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,373 because they're after your brains. 245 00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:14,124 But let me tell you how to make 246 00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:15,626 a great egg salad sandwich. 247 00:22:15,709 --> 00:22:17,586 First, you go to the grocery store 248 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:19,439 and you go to where they have all these little 249 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:20,923 plastic containers on the shelves 250 00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:22,716 and you find one that says egg salad. 251 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,260 And then you buy a loaf of bread 252 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,970 and then you buy a head of lettuce 253 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,596 and you put them all together. 254 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,723 And that's how you make egg salad sandwich. 255 00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:31,559 And don't try to give one to a zombie. 256 00:22:31,642 --> 00:22:33,727 A zombie wants a brain salad sandwich. 257 00:22:47,658 --> 00:22:48,909 Hello? 258 00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:54,915 Hello? 259 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,590 Hello, is anyone downstairs? 260 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:11,724 I said hello. 261 00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:25,613 Hello? 262 00:23:31,702 --> 00:23:32,786 Hello. 263 00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:41,253 I gotta stop smoking weed. 264 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,544 For this next story, we see a young woman 265 00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:06,380 looking longingly at her empty backyard. 266 00:25:27,651 --> 00:25:29,528 Honey, isn't this is so exciting? 267 00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:31,530 Oh, it's beautiful! 268 00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:33,407 I can't believe we did it. 269 00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:35,552 I can't believe we actually finally bought our first house. 270 00:25:35,576 --> 00:25:38,037 After all that freaking paperwork. 271 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,080 It was so ridiculous. 272 00:25:40,164 --> 00:25:42,458 Oh my god, I swear the minute I told them 273 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,626 that I was South African, that was it. 274 00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:46,712 They were like, "well, now we need extra deposits 275 00:25:46,795 --> 00:25:50,299 and extra guarantors," and it was just like... 276 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,301 Little bit of xenophobia. 277 00:25:52,384 --> 00:25:54,720 Yeah, like a little bit, honestly. 278 00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:56,221 But still, I'm so excited. 279 00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,931 This is so amazing. I love you so much! 280 00:25:58,015 --> 00:25:59,308 I love you too! 281 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,060 Can you come? I can't really reach. 282 00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:03,103 Yeah! 283 00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:21,830 You just made a massive hole! 284 00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:25,000 That's from the door! 285 00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:29,004 I'm gonna need a whole can of spackle just for that hole! 286 00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,255 We can have a little cat! 287 00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:07,584 The water's totally brown! 288 00:27:07,668 --> 00:27:09,169 That is disgusting. 289 00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:12,965 There's probably at least 1,500 parasites in there. 290 00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:15,843 That is so nasty! 291 00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:19,054 We could be puking by morning. 292 00:27:26,812 --> 00:27:28,939 Babe, I really... 293 00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,732 Oh, god. Babe... oh, ow! 294 00:27:34,278 --> 00:27:36,280 This is great, right? 295 00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:38,157 I mean, the appraisal looks pretty good. 296 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:42,244 Yeah, uh, it's yeah, I mean, it's just that 297 00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:47,583 I wasn't expecting so many wires and holes. 298 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:49,918 A lot of holes. 299 00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:53,130 I mean, look, it's... 300 00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:55,799 It's gonna be hard work, okay? 301 00:27:55,883 --> 00:27:57,259 I'm not gonna lie to you, 302 00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,094 but it's not going to be a lot of work. 303 00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:03,056 Just some elbow grease, you know, painting some walls, 304 00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:06,351 spackle some holes, replace the carpet, 305 00:28:06,435 --> 00:28:07,519 fix the banister. 306 00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,605 We should put some tiles in, 307 00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:12,316 I think that would be... Or you know. 308 00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:13,817 Yeah. And you know, 309 00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:15,611 we probably just have to patch the roof. 310 00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:17,463 Not like, replace the whole thing. It's gonna be fine. 311 00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:19,364 Kinda looks like it needs to be replaced. 312 00:28:19,448 --> 00:28:20,657 But, um, you know what? 313 00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:22,576 You're... you're right. Honestly, 314 00:28:22,659 --> 00:28:24,286 you know what? We... we worked so hard. 315 00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:26,222 We bought this house, and that's all that matters. 316 00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:27,956 And as long as we have a shower 317 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,459 and... and some running water, that's, 318 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:33,003 you know... You checked the plumbing. 319 00:28:33,086 --> 00:28:35,756 I am going to check the plumbing too. 320 00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:37,424 That's... that's on the list. 321 00:28:37,507 --> 00:28:42,804 So we don't know if we have a shower right now. 322 00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:44,640 - We will. - We will? 323 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:46,308 - We will! - We will know. 324 00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:50,646 You know how we'll know, because we hired a contractor. 325 00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,606 We did. We did that. And that's so great 326 00:28:52,689 --> 00:28:53,875 'cause you emailed the contractor 327 00:28:53,899 --> 00:28:55,609 like I asked you to, right? 328 00:28:55,692 --> 00:28:57,819 He's gonna fix all of this. 329 00:28:57,903 --> 00:28:59,821 This is... this is fine. 330 00:28:59,905 --> 00:29:01,156 What am I stressing about. 331 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,367 We hired the contractor, right? 332 00:29:07,246 --> 00:29:08,580 The contractor? 333 00:29:08,664 --> 00:29:09,998 I sent you his email address 334 00:29:10,082 --> 00:29:12,668 and you said that you contacted him. 335 00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:16,213 And that he was gonna fix everything. 336 00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:22,010 Babe, I spent all of our money on buying the house, 337 00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:25,764 so there's no money left for a contractor. 338 00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,599 We don't have a contractor? 339 00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:31,478 Babe, it's fine. I took shop in high school. 340 00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:33,730 You did honey, and you got an a-plus. 341 00:29:34,856 --> 00:29:40,862 I got a letter with a plus sign after it every semester. 342 00:29:40,946 --> 00:29:43,573 So that's a good sign. 343 00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:47,035 Great. Yeah, that's... that's fine. 344 00:29:47,119 --> 00:29:48,912 You are right. You know what? 345 00:29:48,996 --> 00:29:50,664 Are you sure? 346 00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:53,333 Look, anything that we need to find out, 347 00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:55,294 we look up on the YouTube. 348 00:29:55,377 --> 00:29:59,047 And that way we don't have to pay some dumb plumber 349 00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,717 to come down and have us stare at his ass crack 350 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,928 while he, like, hits on you and does shoddy plumbing. 351 00:30:05,012 --> 00:30:06,638 - Right. - We just do it ourselves and we 352 00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:09,224 don't have to pay anybody 'cause the Internet is free. 353 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:12,769 - The Internet is free. Right. - You're so cute 354 00:30:12,853 --> 00:30:14,104 when you realize things. 355 00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:16,523 We're gonna make this house so cute. 356 00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:18,275 I love you, shmoopy. 357 00:30:18,358 --> 00:30:21,361 I love you more! No, that nose! 358 00:30:21,445 --> 00:30:23,488 - No, that nose. - You're gonna make it greasy. 359 00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:26,742 - Don't touch it. - Okay, time to work. 360 00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:28,243 Okay. 361 00:30:29,328 --> 00:30:30,746 You do that. 362 00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:41,506 Okay, so you're saying that... 363 00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:43,091 Right, that after I nail that one, 364 00:30:43,175 --> 00:30:45,218 after I've sanded and then... 365 00:30:45,302 --> 00:30:46,845 Yeah, I know. Okay. 366 00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:48,555 But what happens to the spackle? 367 00:30:49,890 --> 00:30:51,016 I gotta let you go. 368 00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:52,684 Shmoopy, what happened. 369 00:30:52,768 --> 00:30:54,895 You dropped it because you were too busy on the phone 370 00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:56,271 because you're not concentrating. 371 00:30:56,355 --> 00:30:58,065 You're right. 372 00:30:58,148 --> 00:30:59,524 I'm sorry. 373 00:30:59,608 --> 00:31:03,111 Let's just... keep going. Okay? 374 00:31:03,195 --> 00:31:05,572 - Come on, shmoopy. - All right, shmoopy. 375 00:31:05,655 --> 00:31:07,199 I love you, shmoopy. 376 00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:08,950 - I love you. - I love you more. 377 00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:10,535 No, really. I love you more. 378 00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:13,163 - No, I love you more. - No, really. 379 00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:14,414 It's... I love you. 380 00:31:23,632 --> 00:31:27,344 Okay, honey, do you have all the slats in place? 381 00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:29,388 - Yeah, the slats are in. - Perfect. 382 00:31:29,471 --> 00:31:31,973 - Nails are through the hinges. - Awesome. 383 00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:35,685 Yeah, I mean, I think this is pretty well hung. 384 00:31:35,769 --> 00:31:38,063 I just have a question. 385 00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:39,773 - Yeah? - Why is there so much space 386 00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:41,525 between the top and the sides 387 00:31:41,608 --> 00:31:44,736 that kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a door. 388 00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,447 Baby, trust me, I looked at the diagnostic 389 00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:49,408 blueprints for the door frame. Okay? 390 00:31:49,491 --> 00:31:51,034 - You did? - Yeah, 391 00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:53,662 there's supposed to be at least one inch of space. 392 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:55,997 The diagnostic blueprints of the door 393 00:31:56,081 --> 00:31:57,666 told you to have space. 394 00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:03,422 Minimum one inch between door frame and door 395 00:32:03,505 --> 00:32:06,591 for ventilation in case of a fire. 396 00:32:06,675 --> 00:32:08,969 - That's what it said. - I'm going to... all right. 397 00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:10,595 I'm gonna trust you. 398 00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:12,848 This is definitely at least one inch. 399 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:14,182 You're really smart. 400 00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:15,642 You are. You're... no! 401 00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:18,520 You're... you're a-door-able! 402 00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:21,857 That's too good. I can't top that. That's a... 403 00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:25,944 God, what the hell? 404 00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:27,571 Yeah, I told you that was wrong, 405 00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:29,573 but you just don't want to listen to me, so... 406 00:32:29,656 --> 00:32:31,450 Maybe if you just listened to me sometimes, 407 00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:32,951 you would get things right, but... 408 00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:34,870 When did you tell me that it was wrong? 409 00:32:34,953 --> 00:32:36,848 Yeah, I said, like, "you're doing the whole thing wrong." 410 00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:39,875 Like, three times, but you just ignored me. 411 00:32:40,417 --> 00:32:42,794 Do you have the blueprint there? 412 00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:45,338 You know, I guess I'll find it. 413 00:32:45,422 --> 00:32:46,882 Shmoop! 414 00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:50,385 What happened? I thought you were looking at the... 415 00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:53,096 - Shmoopy... - Okay, I was making it up. 416 00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:55,015 I'm sorry. I was confused. 417 00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,059 - You... no! - I was just playing. 418 00:32:58,143 --> 00:33:00,270 You're such a playful one. 419 00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:01,855 Stop it. 420 00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:03,190 No, you stop! 421 00:33:03,273 --> 00:33:04,900 No. Stop. 422 00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,818 -Seriously -no, stop. Stop hitting me. 423 00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:09,005 No, can you... I'm trying to... Can you stop? Stop hitting me. 424 00:33:09,029 --> 00:33:10,572 If you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back. 425 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:13,325 - Stop hitting me. - As long as I get the last hit. 426 00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:14,635 You're being difficult, shmoop. 427 00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:15,899 Did you just call me difficult? 428 00:33:17,412 --> 00:33:19,056 If you call me difficult, I'll gorge your eyes out. 429 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,292 I said, you're being divine, shmoopy. 430 00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,586 Stop being so silly. 431 00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:33,929 - Honey? - Yes? 432 00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:38,016 Why are you painting a 2 across our brand new wall? 433 00:33:38,099 --> 00:33:40,393 Well, because darling, that is 434 00:33:40,477 --> 00:33:42,604 the most efficient way to paint a wall. 435 00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:46,233 No, actually, according to howtopaintyourhouse. Com, 436 00:33:46,316 --> 00:33:50,529 it most certainly says that you start with a w. 437 00:33:50,612 --> 00:33:52,614 Well, shmoopy, when I was in shop 438 00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:55,784 in high school getting pluses on all my grades 439 00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,621 all six years, it was always with a z shape. 440 00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:03,875 Okay. Well, I really do think 441 00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:14,010 I think the 2 looks way better. 442 00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:16,930 Really? 443 00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,682 I think the w looks better. 444 00:34:18,765 --> 00:34:20,925 What are you gonna do... What do you gonna do about it? 445 00:34:20,976 --> 00:34:22,435 The man says 2! 446 00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,107 You don't even have as much paint on me 447 00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,317 as I have on you and you've done three passes. 448 00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:30,986 Yeah, well, I'm just being nice. 449 00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:32,779 I'm trying not to stuff up your... 450 00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:35,824 - Z shape! - I'm just a nice person. 451 00:34:35,907 --> 00:34:38,493 - And you... - You can't even get a w 452 00:34:38,577 --> 00:34:39,911 on your husband's chest. 453 00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:45,250 You're almost whiter than this wall! 454 00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:47,419 Your hair glove is falling off! 455 00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:52,716 Look, 2 shapes all day, 456 00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:56,011 z shapes all day, 2 shapes all day, 457 00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,596 the man says 2. 458 00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:01,141 And calls crocodile tears. 459 00:35:04,561 --> 00:35:06,229 Crocodile tears, shmoops. 460 00:35:57,697 --> 00:36:00,784 I am so sorry. 461 00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:04,204 That was totally a mistake. 462 00:36:05,789 --> 00:36:07,415 I don't even know if I believe that, 463 00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:09,376 - to be honest with you. - Shmoopy! 464 00:36:09,459 --> 00:36:11,628 You know I would never try to hurt you. 465 00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:15,340 Who's my favorite shmoopy! 466 00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,384 I love you, shmoopy. 467 00:36:17,467 --> 00:36:18,843 Yeah, yeah, whatever. 468 00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,613 I love you too, shmoopy. 469 00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:22,597 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 470 00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:24,367 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 471 00:36:24,391 --> 00:36:25,993 No, it's me, I love you more. 472 00:36:26,017 --> 00:36:27,370 - Does this face look amused? - What? 473 00:36:27,394 --> 00:36:29,020 Do I look amused? 474 00:36:29,104 --> 00:36:32,107 You look like you're just having so much fun like me. 475 00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:34,192 So, shmoopy, would you mind handing me 476 00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:38,446 that bucket, please, so I can keep working up here? 477 00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:40,740 - You want the bucket? - Who's my favorite shmoop? 478 00:36:40,824 --> 00:36:42,575 - You want the bucket? - Yeah. 479 00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:44,637 Could you hand me the bucket? Yeah, that'd be really nice. 480 00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:46,371 Shmoopy, I love you. 481 00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:47,956 - Love you! - You're my favorite. 482 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:49,499 - You're my favorite! - Who's got the 483 00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:51,251 best nose in all the land? 484 00:36:51,334 --> 00:36:53,628 - Thank you, shmoopy. - Oh. 485 00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,004 Oops. 486 00:36:56,005 --> 00:36:57,465 That's okay. 487 00:36:57,549 --> 00:37:00,051 I love you, still, shmoopy. 488 00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:02,762 But, if next time you could just hand me the bucket 489 00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:05,056 when I ask you to actually hand me the bucket, 490 00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:07,475 I'd really appreciate it, then maybe it wouldn't 491 00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:11,062 come crashing down on your head while I'm working. 492 00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:13,356 I love you. Please keep up your good work. 493 00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,108 Thank you, shmoop. 494 00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,248 I love you, shmoopy. 495 00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:14,793 Fuck you. 496 00:38:17,253 --> 00:38:19,005 Love you. 497 00:38:19,088 --> 00:38:20,298 Ah! 498 00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:24,260 Time to nail. 499 00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:32,560 What? 500 00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:37,899 Oh! 501 00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:43,863 Does it hurt? 502 00:38:47,951 --> 00:38:52,413 It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, shmoopy. 503 00:38:52,497 --> 00:38:53,873 We're almost done. 504 00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:57,085 Just a little bit more paint and spackle. 505 00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:58,795 We're almost there. 506 00:39:00,547 --> 00:39:02,006 Okay. 507 00:40:04,444 --> 00:40:06,696 What are you... What are you doing? 508 00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:10,116 Cutting ceramic tile. 509 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,584 You got... you gotta to stop. 510 00:40:19,667 --> 00:40:21,377 You gotta stop! 511 00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:22,837 Stop! 512 00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:25,840 Stop! 513 00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:29,719 Stop! 514 00:40:30,970 --> 00:40:33,348 That's really dangerous. 515 00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,016 Okay? The... 516 00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:39,187 The dust from the tile could go into your lungs and... 517 00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:43,274 And it's... it can kill you and there's no cure, 518 00:40:44,108 --> 00:40:46,861 there is no cure. 519 00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:12,178 I want a divorce. 520 00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:25,733 Oh, honey, I'm sorry. 521 00:41:30,989 --> 00:41:32,115 Sweetie. 522 00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:35,076 Shmoop. 523 00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:37,578 Oh! 524 00:41:37,662 --> 00:41:38,913 Oh! 525 00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:40,456 Oh, god. 526 00:41:40,540 --> 00:41:42,291 Oh you, bitch. 527 00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:45,962 Oh, you bitch! 528 00:41:46,045 --> 00:41:48,756 You know when I told you I loved your old sugar cookies? 529 00:41:50,216 --> 00:41:52,510 I lied. That shit tastes like camel spit. 530 00:41:56,973 --> 00:41:58,850 Oh, god! 531 00:42:14,699 --> 00:42:17,035 Oh fuck you, shmoopy. 532 00:42:17,618 --> 00:42:19,162 Fuck you too, shmoopy. 533 00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:22,749 Till death do us fucking part, bitch. 534 00:42:31,674 --> 00:42:34,719 _ 535 00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:36,971 Fuck you, shmoopy. 536 00:42:48,149 --> 00:42:50,068 Ugh! 537 00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:11,214 Oh god, why? 538 00:43:19,639 --> 00:43:23,810 I love you, shmoop. 539 00:43:23,893 --> 00:43:26,479 I love you. 540 00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,787 Wow. Wasn't that something 541 00:45:06,871 --> 00:45:08,581 with all that blood flying around? 542 00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,958 I'm not sure I'm gonna eat my cereal now, 543 00:45:11,042 --> 00:45:13,127 but that raises the question, 544 00:45:13,211 --> 00:45:14,378 is cereal soup? 545 00:45:14,462 --> 00:45:15,662 You know, when you were a kid, 546 00:45:15,713 --> 00:45:17,215 you made soup out of stones. 547 00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:19,467 Why can't you make soup out of cereal 548 00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,344 if you really want to? You know, 549 00:45:21,427 --> 00:45:22,887 there '3 a cereal that kind of has 550 00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:24,639 a rabbit whenever you see it on TV. 551 00:45:24,722 --> 00:45:26,807 You can make soup out of rabbit. 552 00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,809 So why can't you make soup out of cereal? 553 00:45:28,893 --> 00:45:32,271 You know, why don't we put some carrots and celery in it 554 00:45:32,355 --> 00:45:34,075 and have the cereal with carrots and celery? 555 00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:35,788 Then it really would be soup, wouldn't it? 556 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:40,238 You know, chop in some celery, and some onions, 557 00:45:40,321 --> 00:45:43,282 and some carrots, and now you've got cereal soup. 558 00:45:43,366 --> 00:45:45,910 Stop. Get away from me. 559 00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:55,127 Well, I don't think you'd like the cereal 560 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:57,171 with carrots and celery in it now. 561 00:45:57,255 --> 00:45:58,714 I don't think so. 562 00:45:58,798 --> 00:46:00,424 So, let's just come to a conclusion. 563 00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:02,510 - Cereal is not soup. - Get away from me. 564 00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:04,512 Get away from me! 565 00:46:33,624 --> 00:46:35,459 For our next story, we join 566 00:46:35,543 --> 00:46:38,045 a very rich businessman and his daughter 567 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:41,382 as they share coffee in downtown Manhattan. 568 00:46:54,895 --> 00:46:57,064 This is so unfair. 569 00:46:58,065 --> 00:46:59,400 Tiffany, life is unfair. 570 00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:01,986 But you are being more than unfair. 571 00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:04,155 Look, fair is my middle name. 572 00:47:04,238 --> 00:47:05,906 Just ask my bridge partners 573 00:47:05,990 --> 00:47:08,075 or even the guys on the trading floor. 574 00:47:08,159 --> 00:47:11,412 You saw me talk to the chauffeur the other day, 575 00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:14,999 I told him he has every right to be as rich as I am. 576 00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:16,834 All he has to do is work for it. 577 00:47:18,294 --> 00:47:22,131 I started my business with a couple of million dollars. 578 00:47:22,214 --> 00:47:24,008 He could do the same. 579 00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:25,760 But obviously he's lazy. 580 00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:28,846 Otherwise, he wouldn't still be driving cars. 581 00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:33,642 He's not Mexican lazy, but... still. 582 00:47:35,353 --> 00:47:36,937 He gets what he deserves. 583 00:47:37,021 --> 00:47:39,106 I get what I deserve. 584 00:47:39,190 --> 00:47:40,608 And you get what you deserve. 585 00:47:40,691 --> 00:47:42,109 And I deserve this. 586 00:47:43,736 --> 00:47:46,489 It's just a camping trip with my friends. 587 00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:50,701 And why haven't I ever met these friends? 588 00:47:50,785 --> 00:47:52,370 I mean, what are they like? 589 00:47:52,453 --> 00:47:54,455 They're nice people, daddy. 590 00:47:54,538 --> 00:47:55,831 Nice. 591 00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:59,210 So you like one of them, 592 00:47:59,293 --> 00:48:01,003 some cute boy, perhaps? 593 00:48:01,087 --> 00:48:02,755 Maybe. 594 00:48:04,256 --> 00:48:05,758 What's his name? 595 00:48:05,841 --> 00:48:07,635 - Is it the wellingworth boy... - No, daddy, 596 00:48:07,718 --> 00:48:08,969 you don't know him. 597 00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:12,306 His name is... Vinnie. 598 00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:17,561 Vinnie. Oh, Jesus. 599 00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:19,397 Are you telling me he's Italian? 600 00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:21,941 He's really sweet. 601 00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,485 Sweet. What does his father do? 602 00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:27,279 Okay, I don't know. I think he's a plumber. 603 00:48:27,363 --> 00:48:29,365 Oh, my god. Oh... 604 00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:31,659 Are you trying to give me a heart attack? 605 00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,328 All right. You know what? This is just... 606 00:48:34,412 --> 00:48:37,998 It's just... All right. Yeah. Hang on. 607 00:48:38,082 --> 00:48:40,126 Here, wait a minute. 608 00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:41,669 I'll tell you what, 609 00:48:41,752 --> 00:48:43,592 why don't you go shopping this weekend instead? 610 00:48:44,422 --> 00:48:48,217 Wouldn't you prefer a nice bracelet or a pretty dress? 611 00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:51,637 No, I want to go camping. 612 00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:53,431 I worked hard to get into the school 613 00:48:53,514 --> 00:48:54,932 that you wanted me to go to. 614 00:48:55,015 --> 00:48:58,185 You chose Princeton, not me. 615 00:48:58,269 --> 00:49:00,688 Don't I deserve a little bit of a reward? 616 00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:04,692 It's just a trip with my friends. 617 00:49:07,695 --> 00:49:09,738 You don't get it, sweetie. 618 00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:11,031 They're not your friends. 619 00:49:11,115 --> 00:49:13,451 They hate you. They hate me. 620 00:49:15,119 --> 00:49:18,831 We are what they would call one percenters. 621 00:49:18,914 --> 00:49:23,335 Your friends are... not. 622 00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:25,254 They're the 99 belower. 623 00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:28,507 And Vinnie, he may even be a negative five. 624 00:49:29,717 --> 00:49:31,927 Look, your friends have been brainwashed 625 00:49:32,011 --> 00:49:34,430 into believing that you and I hate america, 626 00:49:35,431 --> 00:49:37,391 but in fact, it's them who hate america. 627 00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:39,602 And everything it stands for. 628 00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:44,064 Now, really, if you want to go ahead and feel common, 629 00:49:44,148 --> 00:49:46,400 why don't you buy yourself a little hermes bracelet 630 00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:48,402 or some little thing like that 631 00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,321 and forget about the camping nonsense? 632 00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:53,073 Okay, first of all, daddy, it's "air-mes." 633 00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:57,912 Second of all, in three months, I'm going to be in Princeton, 634 00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:00,122 making my own mistakes, getting drunk, 635 00:50:00,206 --> 00:50:04,251 failing midterms, eating pizza with the wrong fork. 636 00:50:04,335 --> 00:50:06,670 You're not going to be there to save me. 637 00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:09,632 I need to start learning from my own mistakes. 638 00:50:12,134 --> 00:50:14,094 It's just a weekend. 639 00:50:14,178 --> 00:50:16,555 Think of it as training wheels. 640 00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:20,351 Come... come on, daddy. I've earned this. 641 00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:22,686 Fine, fine. 642 00:50:22,770 --> 00:50:25,189 But you're taking your cell phone, 643 00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:26,899 you're turning it on, 644 00:50:26,982 --> 00:50:29,527 and most importantly... 645 00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:31,111 Call us if you need it. 646 00:50:31,195 --> 00:50:32,756 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 647 00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:35,241 You are the best daddy ever. 648 00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:39,245 Vinnie. 649 00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:42,331 This is not going to end well. 650 00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:14,196 Hey, Tiffany, look, I pissed on myself. 651 00:51:15,281 --> 00:51:17,324 You must be very proud of yourself. 652 00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:19,302 No, no, actually, I just... I didn't pee on myself, 653 00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:21,203 I just sprayed beer all over. 654 00:51:22,413 --> 00:51:25,332 Wait! Do you want to take a closer look? 655 00:51:29,211 --> 00:51:30,921 So what's up, what did you want to show me? 656 00:51:31,005 --> 00:51:33,716 I got this... This thing for Tiffany. 657 00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:35,509 Oh yeah, I saw you put it in your pocket. 658 00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,052 Yeah, I'm kind of nervous. 659 00:51:37,136 --> 00:51:38,738 - It's a big weekend for me. - Don't be nervous. 660 00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:40,389 - Let me see it. - All right. 661 00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:42,558 - Yeah, definitely. - How big is it? 662 00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:43,934 It's not that big. 663 00:51:44,018 --> 00:51:45,686 Oh, you're probably being modest. 664 00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:48,022 Come on. Just show me. Hold on. Oh, wait, here she comes. 665 00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:49,898 Can we go somewhere else? 666 00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:52,359 Listen, you having a good time? 667 00:51:55,279 --> 00:51:56,697 Can you just give me a moment? 668 00:51:56,780 --> 00:51:58,490 We can go somewhere and have a talk, 669 00:51:58,574 --> 00:52:00,614 I just want to finish the conversation with Maureen. 670 00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:04,663 Listen, just try to have fun. 671 00:52:05,664 --> 00:52:07,374 You're much prettier when you smile. 672 00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:10,502 We'll be right back. 673 00:52:49,667 --> 00:52:53,462 Yeah. So, I mean, I know this is crazy, but, um... 674 00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:55,297 I'm crazy about her. 675 00:52:55,381 --> 00:52:57,216 - Aw! - And I know that 676 00:52:57,299 --> 00:53:00,094 we've only been dating for, like, three months, but... 677 00:53:01,387 --> 00:53:02,930 Think I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 678 00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,348 What? That's amazing! 679 00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,058 Yeah, I'm going to do it this weekend. 680 00:53:15,401 --> 00:53:17,945 - Well, do you have it with you? - Yeah, I do. 681 00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:20,256 I mean, I've only been carrying it around with me all day. 682 00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:22,741 Let me see it, let me see it. How are you gonna do it? 683 00:53:22,825 --> 00:53:24,368 Are you gonna get down on one knee? 684 00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:26,179 Are you gonna just, like, spring it on her? Like... 685 00:53:26,203 --> 00:53:27,746 - I... I don't know. - That's... 686 00:53:34,086 --> 00:53:36,839 - That is so amazing. - Thanks. 687 00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,179 - Oh, she's gonna love that. - You think so? 688 00:53:44,263 --> 00:53:45,848 Is there something on it? 689 00:53:45,931 --> 00:53:48,267 Yeah, there's an inscription I had them put on it. 690 00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:58,152 That is so sweet. 691 00:53:58,235 --> 00:54:00,654 Oh, yes, she is going to love that. 692 00:54:00,738 --> 00:54:02,573 Perfect find. Absolutely. 693 00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:04,408 Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. 694 00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:05,784 I just had to tell somebody. 695 00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:07,619 My god, I'm so excited for you. 696 00:54:07,703 --> 00:54:09,580 Thank you. 697 00:54:13,709 --> 00:54:15,043 [Gunshofl 698 00:54:20,924 --> 00:54:23,260 Vinnie, Vinnie? Vinnie, are you okay? 699 00:54:23,343 --> 00:54:26,096 - Oh, my god, what happened? - It was an accident. 700 00:54:26,180 --> 00:54:29,683 Oh, Vinnie. Oh, my god, you shot him. You shot him! 701 00:54:29,767 --> 00:54:31,977 Wait, wait! Let's think about this first. 702 00:54:32,060 --> 00:54:33,520 Oh, my god! Vinnie, Vinnie? 703 00:54:33,604 --> 00:54:34,998 We're going to get into so much trouble! 704 00:54:35,022 --> 00:54:36,315 What are you talking about? 705 00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:37,792 You're gonna get in so much trouble. 706 00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:39,335 - Oh, my god. - Let's call my dad first. 707 00:54:39,359 --> 00:54:40,652 He has a big time attorney. 708 00:54:40,736 --> 00:54:41,945 We can get out of it. 709 00:54:42,029 --> 00:54:43,864 We? Are you crazy? 710 00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:46,700 - Oh, my god. - Wait! 711 00:54:46,784 --> 00:54:48,327 Vinnie? 712 00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:49,953 Vinnie? Oh! 713 00:54:51,246 --> 00:54:52,456 Oh, my god. 714 00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:05,385 You can forget about Princeton, 715 00:55:05,469 --> 00:55:08,722 maybe a community college, if you're lucky. 716 00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:13,143 Remember this phrase, "you want fries with that?" 717 00:55:13,644 --> 00:55:15,479 You're going to be saying that for the next 718 00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:16,897 50 years of your life. 719 00:55:20,317 --> 00:55:24,571 You gave up your life for a reefer baked goombah? 720 00:55:25,072 --> 00:55:29,034 Who would bang your best friend if you turn your back on him? 721 00:55:32,913 --> 00:55:34,331 Boy, I'll say you made a mistake 722 00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:36,416 when I wasn't there watching you. 723 00:55:36,500 --> 00:55:37,835 I can't fix this. 724 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:40,712 Now you go and you fix it. 725 00:55:57,604 --> 00:55:58,939 [Gunshofl 726 00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:22,629 [Gunshofl 727 00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:30,345 - Run! - What? 728 00:56:38,896 --> 00:56:40,564 Wait... 729 00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:42,858 Tiffany, did you just shoot Vinnie? 730 00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:46,153 [Gunshofl 731 00:57:05,714 --> 00:57:07,633 [Gunshofl 732 00:57:21,897 --> 00:57:23,690 Nobody else has to die, Maureen. 733 00:57:25,025 --> 00:57:26,985 We can tell the police that Hank and Vinnie 734 00:57:27,069 --> 00:57:28,403 were in some weird love duet 735 00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:29,767 and that they killed each other. 736 00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:32,866 What? What are you talking about? 737 00:57:34,076 --> 00:57:36,078 Hank wasn't going anywhere. 738 00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:37,913 A misogynistic date rape drunk 739 00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:39,748 who barely got out of high school. 740 00:57:39,831 --> 00:57:42,876 Nobody is going to miss an idiot who works at Wal-Mart. 741 00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:44,336 You're crazy. 742 00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,296 I heard you got into penn state. 743 00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:49,675 Hey, it's not Princeton, but you're smart. 744 00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:52,970 Not as smart as me, but... 745 00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:55,639 Get with the program, you know what's going on. 746 00:57:58,392 --> 00:58:00,185 Maureen... 747 00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:02,479 My daddy's lawyer can work miracles. 748 00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:04,898 Please don't make the same mistake your friends made. 749 00:58:04,982 --> 00:58:08,193 - What are you talking about? - Stay in your Lane. 750 00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,585 Oh, shit! Are you okay? 751 00:58:25,669 --> 00:58:27,254 [Gunshofl 752 00:58:33,885 --> 00:58:35,262 Help! 753 00:58:36,179 --> 00:58:37,472 Help! 754 00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:42,436 Oh, god! Oh, god! 755 00:58:51,695 --> 00:58:53,363 I'm sorry. 756 01:00:16,738 --> 01:00:19,032 Dad! 757 01:00:19,116 --> 01:00:20,617 You were right, my... 758 01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:22,869 My friends, they tried to kidnap me for ransom 759 01:00:22,953 --> 01:00:26,998 and they just went crazy and started shooting each other. 760 01:00:29,292 --> 01:00:31,086 I'm going to need a lawyer. 761 01:00:33,088 --> 01:00:35,674 Please help me, I don't know what to do. 762 01:00:35,757 --> 01:00:37,843 Please, please, please. 763 01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:41,972 Please, help me! 764 01:01:08,999 --> 01:01:10,542 Hey tiff! Tiff, guess... 765 01:01:10,625 --> 01:01:13,003 Guess what I just go on my gender studies exam. 766 01:01:13,086 --> 01:01:14,421 You're not gonna believe this. 767 01:01:16,882 --> 01:01:20,343 - A double d, get it? - I just pissed myself. 768 01:01:20,427 --> 01:01:23,430 I'm kidding, it's just beer. 769 01:01:25,015 --> 01:01:27,184 - What? - Ugh, whatever. 770 01:01:32,731 --> 01:01:34,482 Can I call you back? 771 01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:39,946 Can we go somewhere else? 772 01:01:40,030 --> 01:01:41,448 You're not having fun? 773 01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,159 No, Trevor. 774 01:01:44,743 --> 01:01:45,952 Okay, in a minute. 775 01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:47,346 I'll go upstairs to talk to Brenda, 776 01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:48,788 and I'll be right back down. 777 01:01:51,166 --> 01:01:53,793 All right. Come on. Try to have some fun. 778 01:01:53,877 --> 01:01:55,337 You're much prettier when you smile. 779 01:02:45,553 --> 01:02:49,140 Ooh, there was some hunting in that... oh, in that story. 780 01:02:49,224 --> 01:02:51,184 Rifle work, shotgun work. 781 01:02:51,268 --> 01:02:52,769 Oh, my word. 782 01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:54,688 You know, rich people like to go hunting. 783 01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:57,190 They like to go after animals like elephants 784 01:02:57,274 --> 01:02:59,526 and bison and stuff like that. 785 01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:01,212 If animals could talk, what would they say 786 01:03:01,236 --> 01:03:02,570 about being shot at? 787 01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:04,155 And who would be the rudest one? 788 01:03:04,239 --> 01:03:06,366 Which animal would not take so well 789 01:03:06,449 --> 01:03:09,160 to being shot at by voicing their opinion? 790 01:03:09,244 --> 01:03:10,870 Which one do you think? 791 01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:23,550 What the hell? 792 01:03:49,409 --> 01:03:51,077 You know what I think? 793 01:03:51,161 --> 01:03:52,996 I think the rudest animal would be a sloth. 794 01:03:53,079 --> 01:03:55,081 All they want to do is hang around 795 01:03:55,165 --> 01:03:57,365 and if you try to get them to do something, they'll say, 796 01:03:58,168 --> 01:04:01,421 "yeah, get the fuck away from me, pal." 797 01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:05,342 That's rude. Mm. Or maybe a turtle, the same way. 798 01:04:05,425 --> 01:04:07,969 The turtle, though, he can beat the rabbit. 799 01:04:45,006 --> 01:04:46,925 Our newest story is about the times 800 01:04:47,008 --> 01:04:50,178 when you think you're there, but you're not there. 801 01:04:50,261 --> 01:04:53,264 It's almost as if you're invisible. 802 01:05:18,248 --> 01:05:21,000 Alexandra, tell me something I want to hear. 803 01:05:21,084 --> 01:05:22,335 The Raymond Grant book, 804 01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:24,129 did you get his daughter to sign on? 805 01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:26,631 Yes. Well, sir, we actually had a really good meeting. 806 01:05:26,714 --> 01:05:28,216 I think we're going to get the deal. 807 01:05:28,299 --> 01:05:29,676 All right. Very good. 808 01:05:29,759 --> 01:05:31,553 Give me her number so I can give her a ring. 809 01:05:31,636 --> 01:05:33,596 I actually didn't get her number. 810 01:05:34,931 --> 01:05:37,684 Alex, you spoke to Jasmin Grant today, 811 01:05:37,767 --> 01:05:40,270 and you didn't get her number? Why? 812 01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,021 I didn't want to push it. 813 01:05:42,105 --> 01:05:44,333 She's going through a lot. I'll just give her some space. 814 01:05:44,357 --> 01:05:45,817 She has my card. 815 01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:47,861 Push it. We're all going through a lot. 816 01:05:47,944 --> 01:05:50,071 Do you have any idea how many publishers 817 01:05:50,155 --> 01:05:52,532 are knocking on that decrepit door to get to that book? 818 01:05:52,615 --> 01:05:55,201 This is a big deal. This book is gonna be huge. 819 01:05:55,910 --> 01:05:57,370 What's it about anyway? 820 01:05:57,454 --> 01:05:59,205 She doesn't even know. 821 01:06:00,081 --> 01:06:01,666 Raymond had deadlines, 822 01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:03,877 and he was constantly missing all the deadlines. 823 01:06:03,960 --> 01:06:06,963 For all we know, it could be a collection of just post-its. 824 01:06:08,047 --> 01:06:09,424 Right. Post-its. 825 01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:14,053 Yeah, right. We were probably gonna drop him anyway. 826 01:06:14,137 --> 01:06:16,848 Last couple of films flopped at the box office. 827 01:06:16,931 --> 01:06:18,558 Book sales tanked. 828 01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:20,810 He kept saying, "I just need one, one more hit and... 829 01:06:20,894 --> 01:06:22,145 I'm back on top." 830 01:06:23,605 --> 01:06:26,399 Exactly, we all thought he just had a writer's block. 831 01:06:26,483 --> 01:06:28,943 You know, his best stuff was his early work. 832 01:06:29,027 --> 01:06:30,987 Towards the end... 833 01:06:31,070 --> 01:06:33,281 Just like bands, win three albums, 834 01:06:33,364 --> 01:06:35,158 after that they all suck. 835 01:06:35,241 --> 01:06:36,910 Same thing. 836 01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:38,304 You know what happens to those bands 837 01:06:38,328 --> 01:06:39,412 when their front man dies? 838 01:06:40,497 --> 01:06:42,457 Everybody and their mother is clawing to get 839 01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:44,351 the last album because it might be worth something, 840 01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:46,335 even though they haven't had a hit in two decades. 841 01:06:48,963 --> 01:06:50,256 No, yeah, you're right. 842 01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:53,081 You're right, I'll get onto it. 843 01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:56,804 Perfect. That's what I want to hear. 844 01:06:57,514 --> 01:07:00,225 And if I didn't tell you that your job depended on this one, 845 01:07:00,308 --> 01:07:01,976 well, I'd be lying. 846 01:07:02,060 --> 01:07:04,562 - So let me know. - Okay. 847 01:07:19,410 --> 01:07:22,121 Well, those are the perils of being invisible. 848 01:07:22,205 --> 01:07:24,207 That's why they wear those yellow vests 849 01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:26,084 out on the highway, right? 850 01:07:26,167 --> 01:07:28,187 Invisible man would never work on the highway. Oh my. 851 01:07:28,211 --> 01:07:31,923 Anyway, the question we need to address right now is 852 01:07:32,006 --> 01:07:33,967 how many chickens would it take 853 01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:35,343 to kill an elephant? 854 01:07:43,434 --> 01:07:44,561 Hello? 855 01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:49,440 Hello? 856 01:07:59,075 --> 01:08:00,285 Hello? 857 01:08:04,247 --> 01:08:06,040 Jasmin? 858 01:08:11,337 --> 01:08:12,964 Hello? 859 01:08:14,757 --> 01:08:16,217 Hello? 860 01:08:17,927 --> 01:08:19,554 Anyone home? 861 01:08:22,390 --> 01:08:27,437 ! Oye! Gqué te pasa? Gqué tu haces en mi casa? 862 01:08:29,063 --> 01:08:31,691 Lesperate! No soy. 863 01:08:47,457 --> 01:08:51,169 Um, would it take 500 elephant-sized chickens 864 01:08:51,252 --> 01:08:53,630 to kill an elephant-sized chicken? 865 01:09:03,848 --> 01:09:05,767 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with, 866 01:09:05,850 --> 01:09:08,519 it's gonna take one elephant-sized chicken 867 01:09:08,603 --> 01:09:09,937 to kill an elephant. 868 01:09:10,021 --> 01:09:11,564 And that would be one big chicken. 869 01:09:11,648 --> 01:09:15,401 When he pecks, earthquake time. 870 01:09:15,485 --> 01:09:18,571 Our next story is about a conference of scientists. 871 01:09:18,655 --> 01:09:20,865 It's a typical scientific meeting 872 01:09:20,948 --> 01:09:24,619 where some scientists are more welcome than others. 873 01:09:59,821 --> 01:10:03,116 Why the hell do we have to live in a castle? 874 01:10:03,199 --> 01:10:04,492 It's just one of the many perks 875 01:10:04,575 --> 01:10:06,327 of being a mad scientist, my darling. 876 01:10:06,411 --> 01:10:07,912 But you're not mad. 877 01:10:07,995 --> 01:10:10,248 - No. - You're not even annoyed. 878 01:10:10,331 --> 01:10:12,250 You're... 879 01:10:12,333 --> 01:10:13,376 Perky. 880 01:10:13,459 --> 01:10:15,753 Why the hell are you so perky? 881 01:10:17,171 --> 01:10:19,257 It's your birthday. 882 01:10:19,340 --> 01:10:22,009 That's says 50. Do I look 50? 883 01:10:22,093 --> 01:10:23,469 Uh, no, no, no. 884 01:10:23,553 --> 01:10:25,430 And you do not look 50 the other eight times 885 01:10:25,513 --> 01:10:27,306 we celebrated your 50th birthday either. 886 01:10:27,390 --> 01:10:30,351 Seven. I am 57. 887 01:10:30,435 --> 01:10:32,979 Do I look 58? 888 01:10:33,479 --> 01:10:35,982 Why can't you invent something useful, 889 01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:37,442 like an anti-aging formula 890 01:10:37,525 --> 01:10:39,610 and not roller skates for squirrels? 891 01:10:40,528 --> 01:10:43,322 Well, I will admit to a bit of a dry period lately, 892 01:10:43,406 --> 01:10:46,117 but honestly, this cake is del... oh! 893 01:11:00,256 --> 01:11:01,340 Don't worry, baby. 894 01:11:01,424 --> 01:11:03,509 It's just a little bit stuck. 895 01:11:03,593 --> 01:11:05,678 You'll be fine. 896 01:11:05,762 --> 01:11:07,263 Just stay still. Don't move. 897 01:11:07,346 --> 01:11:09,974 You're not moving. You're good at not moving. 898 01:11:10,057 --> 01:11:11,225 Oh! 899 01:11:11,309 --> 01:11:15,646 Honey, honey, honey! Honey, you okay? 900 01:11:51,724 --> 01:11:53,684 She's alive! 901 01:11:53,768 --> 01:11:55,019 She's alive! 902 01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:58,648 Crapola! 903 01:12:19,919 --> 01:12:21,587 She's alive! 904 01:12:21,671 --> 01:12:23,214 She's alive! 905 01:12:23,297 --> 01:12:24,757 Motherfucker! 906 01:12:39,313 --> 01:12:41,440 Mr. Frankenstein. 907 01:12:41,524 --> 01:12:43,651 Dr. Frankenstein, actually. 908 01:12:43,734 --> 01:12:45,486 Whatever. What is it this time? 909 01:12:45,570 --> 01:12:48,406 I was wondering if I could borrow a little power, 910 01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:49,782 just as scooch. 911 01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:51,284 Power. 912 01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:52,803 That's all you mad scientists think about, 913 01:12:52,827 --> 01:12:55,454 power to rule the world. 914 01:12:55,538 --> 01:12:57,224 Well, I don't think you even have enough power 915 01:12:57,248 --> 01:12:58,666 to mow your lawn. 916 01:12:58,749 --> 01:13:00,585 Ah, yes, the death weeds. 917 01:13:00,668 --> 01:13:02,712 Well, I promise to get to them next Tuesday. 918 01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:06,132 There was an experiment that went wrong. 919 01:13:06,215 --> 01:13:08,718 - Sorry about the dog. - What? 920 01:13:08,801 --> 01:13:10,636 Huh? What? 921 01:13:10,720 --> 01:13:13,764 Look, last week it was a cup of sugar, 922 01:13:13,848 --> 01:13:16,183 the week before that it was tea bags. 923 01:13:16,267 --> 01:13:18,185 Now this. 924 01:13:18,269 --> 01:13:20,605 What do you need my electricity for? 925 01:13:22,064 --> 01:13:24,317 Just to reanimate the dead. 926 01:13:24,400 --> 01:13:25,443 It's no biggie. 927 01:13:25,526 --> 01:13:26,903 Very low power consumption. 928 01:13:28,321 --> 01:13:30,364 - Huh. - Yeah, it's... 929 01:13:30,448 --> 01:13:32,283 Funny, actually. Funny story. 930 01:13:32,366 --> 01:13:34,493 I accidentally killed my wife, and you know, 931 01:13:34,577 --> 01:13:37,496 I would like to see her back so, if I could just... 932 01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:39,749 Yeah, whatever. 933 01:13:39,832 --> 01:13:41,167 Thank you. 934 01:13:41,250 --> 01:13:43,044 What a bitch. 935 01:14:05,274 --> 01:14:06,776 She's alive. 936 01:14:06,859 --> 01:14:08,361 She's alive! 937 01:14:50,069 --> 01:14:52,697 What the fuck are you doing? 938 01:14:52,780 --> 01:14:55,741 Just checking to see if you're alive again. 939 01:14:55,825 --> 01:14:57,535 Again? 940 01:14:57,618 --> 01:15:00,246 Did you fucking kill me? 941 01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:02,415 Just temporarily. You're a lot better now. 942 01:15:02,498 --> 01:15:04,125 Look, you're siting up and everything. 943 01:15:04,792 --> 01:15:06,669 You stabbed me? 944 01:15:06,752 --> 01:15:10,214 Oh, my god, you better not have left a scar. 945 01:15:10,297 --> 01:15:14,010 No, you look as lovely as ever. 946 01:15:14,093 --> 01:15:15,553 Where's the mirror? 947 01:15:16,679 --> 01:15:19,265 Where's that damn mirror? 948 01:15:19,348 --> 01:15:20,951 Well, there's one by the kitchen, there's another one 949 01:15:20,975 --> 01:15:22,518 in the bathroom... Let's go this way. 950 01:15:22,601 --> 01:15:24,020 This is a nice big one. 951 01:15:24,103 --> 01:15:27,648 Victor, you motherfucker. I'm hideous! 952 01:15:28,566 --> 01:15:30,067 Only on the outside. 953 01:15:30,151 --> 01:15:32,319 I mean, beauty's only skin deep. 954 01:15:32,903 --> 01:15:33,988 Oh, god. 955 01:15:34,071 --> 01:15:35,865 Oh, god. What has he done? 956 01:15:38,200 --> 01:15:41,746 Honey, what are you doing? 957 01:15:44,874 --> 01:15:47,168 You know, it's not so bad... 958 01:15:47,251 --> 01:15:49,045 With a little make up on 959 01:15:49,128 --> 01:15:51,589 you'll be as beautiful as the day I met you. 960 01:15:55,176 --> 01:15:56,552 Honey? 961 01:15:56,635 --> 01:15:58,471 Honey boo-boo? 962 01:16:10,900 --> 01:16:13,152 I don't know what happened. 963 01:16:13,235 --> 01:16:15,738 You must have tripped and accidentally swallowed 964 01:16:15,821 --> 01:16:17,865 all those pills, but do not worry. 965 01:16:17,948 --> 01:16:19,825 Threw them all out. We'll be just fine. 966 01:16:19,909 --> 01:16:22,203 Right. An accident. 967 01:16:22,286 --> 01:16:25,164 I got a little surprise for you. 968 01:16:25,247 --> 01:16:27,124 - What? - Upstairs, 969 01:16:27,208 --> 01:16:28,834 I set up the VCR with all those tapes 970 01:16:28,918 --> 01:16:30,419 of you winning the beauty contest. 971 01:16:30,503 --> 01:16:32,671 I know how that cheers you up. 972 01:16:32,755 --> 01:16:35,007 We'll go upstairs and watch them, yeah? Come on. 973 01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:36,258 Come on. 974 01:16:51,774 --> 01:16:53,317 There she is! 975 01:16:53,400 --> 01:16:55,444 Oh, my god. Honey, you are so... 976 01:16:55,528 --> 01:16:57,863 Oh, by the way, 977 01:16:57,947 --> 01:17:00,491 I was thinking about how to deal with, 978 01:17:00,574 --> 01:17:02,701 let's call them blemishes on your face, 979 01:17:02,785 --> 01:17:05,955 and while you were away, 980 01:17:06,038 --> 01:17:07,665 I took an art class. 981 01:17:07,748 --> 01:17:09,542 I think I was able to reconstruct 982 01:17:09,625 --> 01:17:11,085 your face really well. 983 01:17:11,168 --> 01:17:13,546 Oh, yeah? You fixed me. 984 01:17:14,797 --> 01:17:17,591 So you're telling me I'm as beautiful as I was before? 985 01:17:17,675 --> 01:17:20,302 Even better, and I got a perfect score 986 01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:22,012 from my art teacher. 987 01:17:22,096 --> 01:17:23,722 I don't know. 988 01:17:23,806 --> 01:17:26,600 It doesn't feel right. 989 01:17:26,684 --> 01:17:28,853 What artist did you study? 990 01:17:28,936 --> 01:17:30,229 Picasso! 991 01:17:39,738 --> 01:17:41,574 What the hell is this? 992 01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:45,244 I knew your affections for the cat were very strong, so. 993 01:17:45,953 --> 01:17:50,166 You attached Fifi to me? 994 01:17:50,249 --> 01:17:52,418 Yes! Don't you love it? 995 01:17:52,501 --> 01:17:54,503 Now, you guys will never be separated. 996 01:17:54,587 --> 01:17:58,090 What the fuck is wrong with you? 997 01:17:58,174 --> 01:17:59,758 Wait, you don't like this? 998 01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:05,472 If that's Fifi, 999 01:18:05,556 --> 01:18:08,267 who the hell is this you've attached to me? 1000 01:18:09,018 --> 01:18:12,605 I don't know, he was back by the dumpsters. 1001 01:18:12,688 --> 01:18:15,566 So cute, looks just like Fifi, doesn't it? 1002 01:18:19,570 --> 01:18:21,822 Think of it as like a windshield wiper, 1003 01:18:21,906 --> 01:18:25,618 you grow used to it, your friends will be jealous. 1004 01:18:38,547 --> 01:18:43,052 Victor, stop bringing me back. 1005 01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:44,637 But I love you! 1006 01:18:44,720 --> 01:18:47,848 But I don't love living this way. 1007 01:18:47,932 --> 01:18:50,476 What can I do to make you happy? 1008 01:18:50,559 --> 01:18:52,811 You can make me beautiful again. 1009 01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:55,522 But you already are beautiful. 1010 01:18:55,606 --> 01:18:57,149 No, I'm not. 1011 01:18:57,233 --> 01:18:59,652 You're the most beautiful women that I know. 1012 01:18:59,735 --> 01:19:01,654 I'm ugly. 1013 01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:03,322 You're a masterpiece. 1014 01:19:03,405 --> 01:19:04,907 Your delicate hands... 1015 01:19:06,492 --> 01:19:09,161 Your wonderful eyes. Your beautiful smile. 1016 01:19:09,245 --> 01:19:12,373 Your radiance knows no bounds. 1017 01:19:12,456 --> 01:19:14,333 You really think so? 1018 01:19:14,416 --> 01:19:16,460 I most certainly do, my darling. 1019 01:19:16,543 --> 01:19:18,087 Then kiss me. 1020 01:19:19,588 --> 01:19:21,548 - What? - Kiss me. 1021 01:19:21,632 --> 01:19:25,010 If I'm not vile to look at then make love to me. 1022 01:19:27,930 --> 01:19:29,848 If I'm as beautiful as ever, 1023 01:19:29,932 --> 01:19:34,603 then you should want to pounce on me right now. 1024 01:19:39,441 --> 01:19:40,985 Crapola. 1025 01:19:43,445 --> 01:19:45,572 Are you sure you're in the mood, honey? 1026 01:19:45,656 --> 01:19:47,491 - Yes. - Because, you know, 1027 01:19:47,574 --> 01:19:49,052 we could watch television or something. 1028 01:19:49,076 --> 01:19:52,121 Make me feel beautiful. 1029 01:19:52,204 --> 01:19:53,914 Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool. Sure. 1030 01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:07,553 Okay, okay. Let's do this. 1031 01:20:24,111 --> 01:20:25,904 Is it good for you, baby? 1032 01:20:25,988 --> 01:20:29,491 I should have made the daddy hole a little bit bigger. 1033 01:20:32,453 --> 01:20:34,830 Oh, it's the balloon. 1034 01:20:34,913 --> 01:20:36,498 Just the balloon. 1035 01:21:24,880 --> 01:21:27,716 Are you okay, Victor? 1036 01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:31,845 Yeah, that was amazing, baby. 1037 01:21:33,889 --> 01:21:35,891 Just like our wedding night. 1038 01:21:37,810 --> 01:21:41,271 You have definitely not aged one bit. 1039 01:21:41,355 --> 01:21:43,982 Oh, my god. 1040 01:21:44,066 --> 01:21:46,693 Oh, I'll get it, baby. 1041 01:21:49,071 --> 01:21:50,823 I ordered dinner. 1042 01:21:50,906 --> 01:21:55,035 So you just stay there and bask in the glory of... my love. 1043 01:21:55,119 --> 01:21:56,829 I'll get the dinner. 1044 01:21:58,414 --> 01:22:00,124 Magic pizza! 1045 01:22:00,207 --> 01:22:05,087 We deliver in less than five hours or your soda is half off. 1046 01:22:05,170 --> 01:22:07,798 Yes. Wonderful, wonderful. Honey! 1047 01:22:07,881 --> 01:22:09,383 I'm just going to get some pizza, 1048 01:22:09,466 --> 01:22:11,468 put in the blender for your food hole. 1049 01:22:11,552 --> 01:22:13,262 Let's see what I got there. 1050 01:22:13,345 --> 01:22:15,347 How are you doing, buddy? What's your name? 1051 01:22:15,431 --> 01:22:16,598 Fuck off. 1052 01:22:16,682 --> 01:22:19,184 Fuckov? Is that Russian? Fuckov? 1053 01:22:19,268 --> 01:22:21,854 Say, there's something on your roof. 1054 01:22:21,937 --> 01:22:23,856 Huh? What? 1055 01:22:32,865 --> 01:22:34,616 Oh, shit. 1056 01:22:45,002 --> 01:22:46,879 What are you complaining about? 1057 01:22:48,297 --> 01:22:51,467 It's only been a couple of weeks, you'll get used to it. 1058 01:22:51,550 --> 01:22:55,262 Besides, not only did you get your second hand back, 1059 01:22:55,345 --> 01:22:58,140 but you have a third one as a spare. 1060 01:23:00,851 --> 01:23:03,479 Hey! Those are my lips. 1061 01:23:03,562 --> 01:23:05,647 Ah, fuckov. I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. 1062 01:23:05,731 --> 01:23:08,400 You're a very good kisser, though. 1063 01:23:14,865 --> 01:23:17,784 Nibbling on your ears is positively delicious. 1064 01:23:17,868 --> 01:23:20,913 Victor, this has to stop. 1065 01:23:20,996 --> 01:23:23,123 What? I can always get more pizza. What you think? 1066 01:23:23,207 --> 01:23:24,887 He's the only pizza guy in the world, baby? 1067 01:23:24,958 --> 01:23:27,628 I'm done. I want out. 1068 01:23:27,711 --> 01:23:29,505 Okay, you want to go out? 1069 01:23:29,588 --> 01:23:30,923 Let's see, we could go to the park 1070 01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:32,883 if we go out the backdoor... 1071 01:23:32,966 --> 01:23:35,719 I want a divorce. 1072 01:23:38,096 --> 01:23:40,599 Look at me. Just look at me. 1073 01:23:41,642 --> 01:23:44,937 Can you honestly tell me I'm beautiful? 1074 01:23:46,146 --> 01:23:47,147 Honestly. 1075 01:23:47,898 --> 01:23:49,983 I'm not gonna lie, it's taking a little bit 1076 01:23:50,067 --> 01:23:51,711 to get used to you new features but you know, 1077 01:23:51,735 --> 01:23:53,445 I'm getting there. I'm getting there. 1078 01:23:53,529 --> 01:23:55,572 We all change physically. 1079 01:23:57,366 --> 01:23:59,660 It's not the physical things that are important, though. 1080 01:23:59,743 --> 01:24:02,287 I did not fall in love with you for your beauty alone. 1081 01:24:02,371 --> 01:24:04,498 I fell in love with you for your kindness and 1082 01:24:04,581 --> 01:24:06,792 your sense of humor and the way you cheered me up 1083 01:24:06,875 --> 01:24:08,126 when my experiments went wrong, 1084 01:24:08,210 --> 01:24:09,711 and you had to do that quite a bit. 1085 01:24:09,795 --> 01:24:11,713 Am I kidding? No. 1086 01:24:13,465 --> 01:24:16,301 The heart does not use the eyes to see. 1087 01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:20,681 True beauty can not be reflected in the mirror. 1088 01:24:20,764 --> 01:24:25,060 I love you. The real you, the deep down inside you. 1089 01:24:25,143 --> 01:24:28,522 Nothing could change that, ever. 1090 01:24:28,605 --> 01:24:30,190 You know, they call me a mad scientist. 1091 01:24:30,274 --> 01:24:31,984 Well, yes, I am mad. 1092 01:24:32,901 --> 01:24:34,736 I'm mad about you. 1093 01:24:35,737 --> 01:24:37,072 You know what? 1094 01:24:37,155 --> 01:24:39,491 I have a cousin who's a plastic surgeon. 1095 01:24:39,575 --> 01:24:41,827 I'm sold. Goodbye, Victor. 1096 01:24:41,910 --> 01:24:43,287 Have a nice life. 1097 01:24:43,370 --> 01:24:45,247 Wait... 1098 01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:47,833 Wait, what? What? 1099 01:24:49,960 --> 01:24:55,507 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 1100 01:24:55,591 --> 01:24:58,635 Wait, wait. 1101 01:25:07,436 --> 01:25:10,022 A monster, kill it! 1102 01:25:52,981 --> 01:25:54,399 Oh, hey. 1103 01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:56,068 Oh, great, great read. 1104 01:25:56,151 --> 01:25:59,321 You must be, are you... Are you representing Jasmin? 1105 01:25:59,404 --> 01:26:02,407 I will have my people talk to Jasmin. 1106 01:26:02,491 --> 01:26:04,576 You must be her boyfriend, right? 1107 01:26:04,660 --> 01:26:06,745 Okay, I really have to go. 1108 01:27:02,509 --> 01:27:04,094 Jasmin, darling. 1109 01:27:04,177 --> 01:27:06,471 Fantastic seeing you. 1110 01:27:06,555 --> 01:27:07,806 Thank you. Thank you. 1111 01:27:07,889 --> 01:27:09,683 We here at snake oil publishing, 1112 01:27:09,766 --> 01:27:11,309 we love the book. 1113 01:27:11,393 --> 01:27:13,145 We just loved it. 1114 01:27:13,228 --> 01:27:14,438 You actually read it? 1115 01:27:14,521 --> 01:27:16,273 Oh, no. 1116 01:27:16,356 --> 01:27:18,358 But I talked to my people on the phone 1117 01:27:18,442 --> 01:27:21,737 and they could not stop screaming about it. 1118 01:27:21,820 --> 01:27:23,739 Oh, I see. 1119 01:27:23,822 --> 01:27:25,615 Mh-mm. I talked to the distributors 1120 01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:29,035 and they say the new Raymond castle book 1121 01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:30,662 is going to be huge. 1122 01:27:30,746 --> 01:27:32,164 - Well, that's great news. - Yeah, 1123 01:27:32,247 --> 01:27:34,249 we're gonna have tons of copies in Wal-Mart, 1124 01:27:34,332 --> 01:27:36,668 in Barnes & noble. 1125 01:27:36,752 --> 01:27:39,171 It's gonna be the next goosebumps. 1126 01:27:39,254 --> 01:27:41,590 Oh, that's good. Good. 1127 01:27:41,673 --> 01:27:44,676 This book, it's gonna be killer. 1128 01:27:50,182 --> 01:27:52,142 Well, I hope so.