1 00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:09,096 What Playboy is really all about and what Hefner is all about is trying to say, 2 00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:11,359 let's celebrate our sexuality. 3 00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:15,667 It is fun when you first have sex, right? 4 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,324 But he needed to experience it all. 5 00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,501 There's a line that's crossed. It made me sick to my stomach. 6 00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,200 It just got to be a circus. 7 00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:28,985 I think for men like Hef, over time, 8 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:32,336 it takes more to be turned on. 9 00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:33,468 Ben Wa balls, 10 00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:37,472 sex trapezes, sex with dogs. 11 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:41,563 These men needed to try things that were more transgressive. 12 00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:46,742 And that rush came from finding these girls that were very 13 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:53,618 innocent and naive and slowly watching them do things that they never 14 00:00:53,662 --> 00:00:55,881 thought they would do before. Really just breaking them down. 15 00:00:57,405 --> 00:01:00,408 This is beyond having fun partying. He was like a vampire. 16 00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:05,195 He was sucking the life out of me. Really, he was a monster. 17 00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:09,939 The things that he got turned on by, nothing was enough, nothing. 18 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:16,728 My name is Hugh Hefner, I'm editor/publisher of Playboy Magazine. 19 00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:20,471 Hugh Hefner was just 27, he fashioned himself 20 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:24,693 and Playboy as the face of sexual liberation. 21 00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,738 Playboy is one of the most famous brand names in the world. 22 00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:32,179 I would like to be remembered as somebody who played some positive part in 23 00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:32,962 changing the social sexual values of my time. 24 00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:37,880 I believe that Hef pulled one over on the whole world. 25 00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:44,756 The fantasy of Playboy that he created did not allow for the consent of the women. 26 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:49,196 When it came to Hefner's buddies, you had to keep those secrets quiet. 27 00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:52,590 What have you got for free? 28 00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,593 When you get someone that powerful, anything could happen, anything! 29 00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,641 The people who are really there, they're the ones who know the real truth. 30 00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:03,384 I want be a voice for the women that suffered the most at his hands. 31 00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:12,001 [Dramatic Music] 32 00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:25,884 This was commissioned by one of the art directors on our third anniversary. 33 00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:28,104 And it's Hef and Sondra three fabulous years, 34 00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,759 but I can't hate my house. It's just, 35 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,632 it goes against everything that I'm trying to do right now. 36 00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:40,029 Trying to get the word out, just for girls, young girls 37 00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:43,119 to be careful with the decisions they make and what they give away. 38 00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:47,254 Even though he's gone, there's going to be another one in history. 39 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:47,602 They're out there, there always is. 40 00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:50,170 This subject matter is a little touchy for me. 41 00:02:50,996 --> 00:02:55,871 [Music] 42 00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:57,438 I was so innocent. 43 00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:03,139 That's Sondra Theodore, a rather special lady. 44 00:03:05,141 --> 00:03:06,447 Between you and me, is she going to be Playmate of the year? You can tell me. 45 00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:08,536 Well, not this year, Dick, maybe next. 46 00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,149 See, they're talking about what a wholesome girl I was. And I was. 47 00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:17,588 When I first met Sondra Theodore at the LA mansion, 48 00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,808 she was only 19 years old. She was very young. 49 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,205 She was angelic, and she was sweet, and she was absolutely beautiful. 50 00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:27,816 And she was always standing next to Hefner. 51 00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:33,343 Sondra, she truly loved him. Even though at that time I didn't know her well, 52 00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:35,084 I could just sense it. 53 00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:40,742 She met Hef and just from the get go, loved Hef. 54 00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:51,840 Honestly, he probably should have married Sondra because she genuinely loved him. 55 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,844 My name is Sondra Theodore, 56 00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:58,934 and I was Hef's girlfriend in the seventies and early eighties for five years. 57 00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,111 It was like living in a fairy tale, and 58 00:04:05,419 --> 00:04:08,291 he made me believe it, and everybody else did too. 59 00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:11,425 'cause I don't know if they all felt like it was a fairy tale too, 60 00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,905 that we were so in love. 61 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:21,783 I would've never thought she would speak about Hef because boy was 62 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:22,697 she loyal to him. 63 00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:26,701 [Music] 64 00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:31,271 Looking back, I don't know how I fell for this. 65 00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:34,970 I don't know, it's like baffling. Hefner, 66 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,278 he broke me like you would break a horse. 67 00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:45,067 He scared me a lot at the end because you couldn't satisfy him. 68 00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:49,463 He had to more and more and more, you know, pretty wild. 69 00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:51,639 I couldn't tell anybody. 70 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:57,949 I would be horrified to tell my parents what had been going on. 71 00:04:57,993 --> 00:05:00,735 I didn't want them to know that. I didn't want anybody to know that, 72 00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,432 and I'm sitting here telling you; that was my big secret. 73 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:08,003 I was a good kid. 74 00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:14,618 I started piano when I was seven, and I loved it. 75 00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:18,970 My parents were strict. They made me practice before school and after school, 76 00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:24,672 but I never once wanted to quit. In high school, I focused on my studies. 77 00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:28,676 I was going to become an actress, and I was a Bible school teacher. 78 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,682 I was just a really, really good girl that had really high hopes and dreams, and 79 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:39,295 I pursued them until I met Hef. 80 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,650 When I first went up to the mansion, I really did not know. 81 00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:51,351 I didn't have the concept of who he was. I looked so happy, 82 00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:52,221 but I had no idea what I was walking into. 83 00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,921 I told my mother that I was going to Howard Hughes's house, and she said, 84 00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:02,449 he's dead. And I said, well, there's another guy with HH in his name. 85 00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:03,188 And I said, oh yeah, Hugh Hefner. 86 00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,583 And they're like, "Oh no, no, no, no, no, don't go there. 87 00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:09,325 Don't go there." But I said, "Mom, 88 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,849 don't be silly." And I went with my high school best friend, and we were going 89 00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:15,679 together, and we were coming home together. That was the deal. 90 00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:20,510 When I first met Hef, he had broken up with Barbi Benton, 91 00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:25,559 and I learned that through the photographs in the hall, the gallery, 92 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:31,303 that their life looked like magic. I mean, 93 00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:34,742 they have a picture in Gatsby dress with the backdrop of the house, and it 94 00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:36,396 looked like, wow, he really loved her. 95 00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:44,404 And I still didn't understand really that 96 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:46,580 he was a Playboy. 97 00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:53,413 This is my best friend from high school. 98 00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:56,416 And Bernie was the prettiest girl in high school. 99 00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:03,205 And I was this nerdy little girl with my coronated skirt, my vest, 100 00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:06,774 and even my daughter would say, "Mom, you were such a geek." You know, 101 00:07:06,817 --> 00:07:07,775 she sees my pictures that I was, I was such a geek. 102 00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,429 [Laughs] 103 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,955 I've never been to a Hollywood party at that point. 104 00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,785 It was a big, big deal. 105 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,440 He really knew how to work the charm. 106 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,879 The seduction was fast, and he just really reeled me in that first night 107 00:07:26,968 --> 00:07:28,448 'cause he said, "I've looked the whole party over, 108 00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:34,149 and you're the one I want to spend the evening with. Will you stay?" 109 00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,633 Those words alone, "I looked the whole party over, and I'm the one." 110 00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:41,722 And 111 00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,597 I couldn't even speak, but I had a smile on my face I guess because he said, 112 00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,164 I'll take that smile as a yes. 113 00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:57,085 Just all of it just make me feel special. I was 19, and he was 50, 114 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,351 and I had not been in bed with a man. 115 00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:09,184 His secretary was Joni Mattis. She was a playmate at one point. 116 00:08:12,056 --> 00:08:15,364 He told Joni to make sure I stayed right there so he could find me again. 117 00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:16,104 He had to go say goodnight to his guests. 118 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,456 And then he came back, and he took me upstairs. 119 00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:27,202 [Music] 120 00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:31,032 Hef was my first real relationship where 121 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:36,167 it was a real, it was a love affair, and he nurtured that. 122 00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:40,911 And he said to me, he said, 123 00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,871 you're the first girl I've liked enough to consider having a baby with. 124 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,004 Reel her in. Oh really? You know? 125 00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,052 you like me enough to - out of all these beautiful girls, you would pick me? 126 00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:52,401 He chose me? 127 00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:56,884 He would just take me up his arms, and we'd dance around the game room. 128 00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:02,629 That was his way of being romantic with me. I wasn't wise enough, 129 00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:05,762 I wasn't worldly enough, and my god, he was 50. 130 00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:08,852 He had a wife and children, and I didn't know 131 00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:12,247 about the multiple girlfriends. 132 00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,119 He has rules that you're not supposed to be with other men. 133 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,686 I don't agree with his rules. 134 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,736 I feel that the woman has every right to do everything that the man has that 135 00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:23,214 same right to do. 136 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,568 But Hef was brought up in an era where girls do not fool around, guys do. 137 00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:34,095 And you know, I live by that. You're a chauvinist pig, but I love you. 138 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:43,191 Right after Barbi Benton, he said I want to have, you know, 139 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:43,452 more than one girlfriend. 140 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:49,110 He was not gonna have a singular girlfriend anymore, 141 00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:51,025 that he was going to talk about 142 00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,202 it openly. 143 00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:58,423 He decided as he would say that he would come out from behind the desk and 144 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:03,254 live the Playboy life that the magazine 145 00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,867 represented. And Hef was the Playboy of the Western world, 146 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,260 Why should he stop at one when he could have 147 00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:12,307 as many as he did? 148 00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,442 But how could he make me accept it, or how could he make me join it? 149 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,230 You see our traditional value held that the devil was in the flesh, 150 00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,975 that the spirit and mind were pitted against things of the flesh. 151 00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:31,935 We tried to say, this conflict does in existence and shouldn't exist. 152 00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:37,245 He would tell the public even good girls enjoy sex, healthy sex. 153 00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,728 And there was nothing healthy about the sex with Hefner 154 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:44,426 because he took it too far. 155 00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:54,349 He was taking the girl next door, and he was soiling her. 156 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:08,842 I was living his life, and I wasn't living mine. I wasn't acting anymore. 157 00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:16,458 He stopped me from getting jobs, and he just got worse and 158 00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:19,679 worse as far as the cheating because he could. Not only was he messing around, 159 00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:22,377 he was even controlling me when I was out of his sight. 160 00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:28,383 He hired somebody to spy on me. He hired a secretary my age. 161 00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:33,562 I was 19 when I first started at the mansion. We were all 19. 162 00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:36,870 Sondra was his girlfriend when I first started working there, 163 00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:41,570 but he did have another girl that he kind of dated on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 164 00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,574 So one was going out the back gate, and one was coming out the front gate. 165 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,622 I think he was probably worried about what Sondra was going to do on Tuesdays 166 00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,408 and Thursdays. What was good for the goose was not good for the gander. 167 00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:58,979 She was not allowed to then date on Tuesdays and Thursdays or have a 168 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:01,068 relationship of her own on any day. [Laugh] 169 00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:05,899 The next day, he would say, "What'd you guys do last night?" 170 00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,599 And innocently at that stage, I would say, "Oh, we had a ball. It was great fun." 171 00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:16,083 But as time sort of went on, 172 00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:19,739 I grew to really love Sondra. I had become a friend now, 173 00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,265 so I was no longer comfortable reporting back if you will. 174 00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:29,618 It backfired on me because Lisa and I were so close, 175 00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:31,446 she finally told me one night, she goes, 176 00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:36,625 "I was hired to spy on you and to report everything you did when you were 177 00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:40,107 away from him." 178 00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,456 And then she ended up telling him, I can't spy anymore, and I'm not going to do it. 179 00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,413 And he kept her on, but 180 00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:45,939 it was pretty creepy. 181 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:50,291 He just cut me off from the world, really. 182 00:12:55,470 --> 00:13:00,388 And once you were there, it was so big and sometimes so wonderful, 183 00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:04,218 yet you were afraid at times, you didn't want to tell your parents. 184 00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,915 There wasn't anybody else left out there that 185 00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:08,091 would understand what you're talking about. 186 00:13:09,832 --> 00:13:11,921 Hef's creation of Playboy was more than just getting 187 00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:14,619 girls to take their clothes off and post nude. 188 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,321 He wanted to create a lifestyle for himself that was 189 00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:25,674 accepted all over the world. I mean, that's pretty glamorous stuff right there. 190 00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,505 He would tell me things like, "You're making history. 191 00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,075 You're going to be in the history books." This is at the Aliens Ball, I think. 192 00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:36,816 He knew what to say. 193 00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,690 He would tell you that our lives are better than most people's fantasies. 194 00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:45,825 Everybody loves each other. We shouldn't be suppressed. 195 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,479 Suppressed is the big word with him. 196 00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:53,876 I was raised in a very typically protestant puritan home with a lot of 197 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,270 repression. 198 00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,185 And I think that starting the magazine and the content of the magazine are a 199 00:13:58,228 --> 00:13:59,012 reflection to that. 200 00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:05,061 And I think that the changes that we've played some part in, 201 00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,368 in the changing of society, they have also taken place inside of me. 202 00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:12,329 Whenever things would get a little rocky, 203 00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:16,812 he had a way about him to make you feel like you're 204 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,205 the only one in the world for him. 205 00:14:21,469 --> 00:14:24,037 I was his public girlfriend, and the others were just 206 00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,737 play toys. He had no real interest in them. 207 00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,567 Once that playtime was over - it was addicting. 208 00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:35,396 You knew you were special to be a lady at the mansion; 209 00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:43,230 that was his romantic way, but really, he wasn't very romantic at all. 210 00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:49,062 He just created this illusion like smoke and mirrors. 211 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,067 Month after month after month, there was a new girl every month that came in. 212 00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,897 So, I figured out, I might as well be friends with them. 213 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,640 He would say things ,when are you going to party with us? 214 00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:04,729 And I say, "Never. Forget it. 215 00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:06,775 It's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen." 216 00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:13,434 It was really awkward for me because I wasn't a lesbian. 217 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:21,050 Finally one day I just, oh geez, okay. I'll try it once, 218 00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:24,227 and then if I don't like it, never ask me again." But he had it all arranged. 219 00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:26,751 He took me to the window, opened the curtain. 220 00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:31,234 He says, you see that blonde out there? Go talk to her, 221 00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,281 go talk to her, and see if she wants to party. 222 00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:41,810 So I went down there and asked if she was thrilled, thrilled to be invited up. 223 00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:43,943 And that's how it started. 224 00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:52,299 Yeah. Yeah. One of the first. 225 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,652 I'd never used that word 226 00:16:01,569 --> 00:16:06,269 because I would never do that. That sounds naughty, that sounds nasty. 227 00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:11,144 I was told it was a party. It was 228 00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:14,843 getting together to have some fun. 229 00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:21,328 That was why I became like, I really wasn't doing it, maybe, I don't... 230 00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:24,505 I don't know, but there's certain words I can't say. 231 00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:29,640 Sondra had to recruit young, 232 00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,818 fresh meat for orgies for Hefner. 233 00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:38,562 And I was told about that from another bunny that was there that was asked to go 234 00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,696 up there, and she did. 235 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,873 And she said, you cannot believe what went on in that bedroom. 236 00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:55,579 I was looking through my pictures and I was thinking, my god, 237 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:57,538 nobody's going to believe my story. Look at me. I mean, I look happy. 238 00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:00,149 I'm looking at him with loving eyes. 239 00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:04,545 And until I got to the pictures of us sitting at the monopoly table, 240 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:10,377 this picture, I'm being silly, I'm happy. 241 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,511 And then this picture, he's whispering in my ear, isn't he? 242 00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:19,386 I wonder what he's saying. And then look at my face in that one. 243 00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:25,348 I've been told to go orchestrate an evening, and... 244 00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:32,877 Can you see it? It was like with the feeling I had every day, 245 00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:35,576 I could believe everything was wonderful, and I was happy, I was in love. 246 00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:37,230 This is New Year's, and 247 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,234 then as the evening approached 248 00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:47,675 there it was, there was the whisper, 249 00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:50,069 there was his wishes that needed to be met. 250 00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:58,555 But sex of course for me is, is not a physical act, you know, 251 00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:01,906 it's romance. 252 00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,955 Hef wasn't a romantic; he was a king, the emperor; 253 00:18:09,262 --> 00:18:11,916 you were in the magazine or the bedroom, or you went home. 254 00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,270 I didn't want a girl in the bed. No, I didn't want to be with a girl, 255 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:19,098 but it's something that made him happy. 256 00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:24,929 I was told that we wouldn't have to be apart anymore because 257 00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,586 he would have no reason to be apart from me. 258 00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:33,199 He hadn't taken it too far yet. 259 00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:39,292 Sondra had no idea what she was getting into. I think that she was groomed. 260 00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:41,468 Once he decided to push the boundaries even further, 261 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:43,600 there was no stopping him at that point. 262 00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:50,564 Hef used cocaine. He used more than that. He had a drawer full of drugs. 263 00:18:52,870 --> 00:18:53,828 I discovered it when he started giving me the key to that drawer. 264 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,919 And Johnny was on coke. John Dante was his best friend. 265 00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:00,443 He lived at the mansion. 266 00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:05,840 Hef had to have somebody on call 24/7 267 00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:10,888 whenever he had the whim or the need or the time that he wanted to play a 268 00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,455 game because he was big on games. 269 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,025 John originated the orgy. 270 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,594 John Dante and Hugh Hefner lived together in 271 00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:23,162 the Playboy Mansion for more than 20 years. 272 00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:25,164 I got you, John. 273 00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:28,428 What do you got? That'll be a hundred dollars. 274 00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:30,691 And Hefner would say, come up to my bedroom and watch a movie. 275 00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:33,520 And then you'd have two TV screens filming the sex, 276 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,699 where you could stop it and play it back and see yourself in the act and so forth. 277 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,224 Partying would be going upstairs with us to the master, 278 00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,183 and you were bound to have sex. 279 00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:48,665 It was fairly soon into it that 280 00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:50,493 all of a sudden we were doing the drugs and partying. 281 00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:54,541 The drugs fueled how many people you could get in your bed, 282 00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:56,891 and then all of a sudden, there's three of us. And three girls became five, and 283 00:19:59,241 --> 00:19:59,720 got ridiculous up there. 284 00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:05,726 He twisted my mind so much that... I loved him, 285 00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:08,685 that proved how much I loved him. 286 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,646 And I didn't want to be with those people. 287 00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:21,698 I was convincing them that this was all just so wonderful and 288 00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:23,874 everybody loved each other and you're so lucky to be here, 289 00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:24,353 I'm so glad you're here. 290 00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:29,837 I take them up, you know, 291 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,578 get to know one another, the champagne and then the drugs will be brought out. 292 00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:36,496 And then he would stroll in and see us having fun. 293 00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:41,370 And he would say, "Well, welcome to the family. Welcome to the family." 294 00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,593 And that made them feel, "Oh good. I'm part of it. You know, 295 00:20:48,203 --> 00:20:49,291 I'm accepted." Who doesn't want to be accepted? 296 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,598 Who doesn't want people to like them? 297 00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:53,687 The women at the mansion, 298 00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:58,126 they lived an incredible existence except for one thing, 299 00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:00,476 nighttime is Showtime. 300 00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:03,523 I felt like I was a ringmaster. 301 00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:05,786 I felt like I had to put the show on every night. 302 00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:12,923 The group sex, it was at least five nights a week. They had a protocol. 303 00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:17,885 He liked to direct, and he didn't segue away from 304 00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:19,539 it because you could tell that irritated him. 305 00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:24,892 He was a man of incredible appetites, 306 00:21:24,935 --> 00:21:28,287 yet he wasn't always a participant, you know. 307 00:21:30,071 --> 00:21:32,291 He was a voyeur. He liked to watch. 308 00:21:34,162 --> 00:21:35,294 As his valet, 309 00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:40,777 I was required to go to Mario O'Connor every day when I came to work 310 00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,999 and get his schedule of sexual events in his bedroom, 311 00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:51,919 what girl he would be having sex with and what costume she would be wearing. 312 00:21:56,967 --> 00:22:00,580 He sat in a special chair, a very comfortable arm chair. 313 00:22:02,277 --> 00:22:06,107 He would hire porn stars to come to the mansion, 314 00:22:08,675 --> 00:22:11,939 to the bedroom and have sex with these girls while he would watch. 315 00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:20,121 Mr. Hefner kept all his sex apparatus in the headboard behind 316 00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:22,776 the bed, the different dildos, Ben Wa balls, 317 00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:26,040 nipple clips, whips, straps. 318 00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:32,525 And one of my jobs was after the sexual events were over, 319 00:22:35,223 --> 00:22:38,487 I had to put on rubber gloves and pick up the dilos from the floor 320 00:22:40,315 --> 00:22:42,361 and put them in a special bucket. The maids would take them downstairs, 321 00:22:45,059 --> 00:22:47,888 spray them with a steam cleaner to sterilize them and then put them in plastic 322 00:22:50,325 --> 00:22:52,371 bags. I would carry them back upstairs and put them back in the headboard. 323 00:22:55,243 --> 00:23:00,422 Many of the girls after one experience of having sex with 324 00:23:00,466 --> 00:23:04,078 Hefner or with the porn stars that he brought up there, they went home. 325 00:23:04,731 --> 00:23:06,080 Once was enough. 326 00:23:12,086 --> 00:23:13,522 For a little while, he was doing his crazy stuff, 327 00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:16,090 I was just looking the other way. Like on pig night, 328 00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:22,749 I remember finding out what was going on, because he said, 329 00:23:24,272 --> 00:23:25,273 I'm going to be busy in the early part of the evening, 330 00:23:27,144 --> 00:23:31,192 some people are coming over. And then somebody told me what it was. 331 00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:32,933 A butler there, he said it's Pig Night. And I said, what? What? 332 00:23:36,589 --> 00:23:39,287 Every Thursday night, Hefner had two pimps 333 00:23:41,594 --> 00:23:43,944 bring up five or six girls each and their cars. 334 00:23:47,251 --> 00:23:50,124 It was girls that they would pick up on Sunset Strip. At that time, 335 00:23:51,604 --> 00:23:55,564 Sunset Boulevard was a very big prostitution place. 336 00:23:55,608 --> 00:23:56,565 That's where you went to pick up somebody. 337 00:23:58,567 --> 00:24:01,614 It was called Pig Night, but we, as butlers, were always told, 338 00:24:03,964 --> 00:24:07,141 do not call them pigs. This was Hefner's term for them. 339 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:10,927 I don't know why he called them pigs. 340 00:24:13,408 --> 00:24:13,930 Thursday night was Pig Night. 341 00:24:15,715 --> 00:24:17,456 When the guys on the mansion list were expected to bring women. 342 00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,548 They were ranked. There was a hierarchy of whether you were a ten or an eight 343 00:24:22,591 --> 00:24:23,984 or a six. 344 00:24:26,595 --> 00:24:29,990 They would come up and go into the big dining room. 345 00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:34,908 And Hefner's friends and comrades and different stars, 346 00:24:34,951 --> 00:24:35,648 movie stars, 347 00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:41,001 television stars would sit around the table with them. 348 00:24:42,698 --> 00:24:44,657 And as the butlers, we would serve them dinner. 349 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,487 They were told order anything you want. 350 00:24:51,141 --> 00:24:53,796 Hefner would sit at the head of the table. He would never eat dinner with them. 351 00:24:55,145 --> 00:24:56,669 He would smoke a pipe and observe the girls. 352 00:24:58,061 --> 00:25:01,412 When I found out about it, 353 00:25:01,456 --> 00:25:04,154 I went down to bedroom four where I could look out where they were all 354 00:25:05,939 --> 00:25:07,680 laughing and getting drinks and making these girls feel special. 355 00:25:08,768 --> 00:25:10,247 One at a time, 356 00:25:12,075 --> 00:25:15,601 the girls were escorted into the front bathroom where the 357 00:25:15,644 --> 00:25:19,387 doctor would inspect them for anything that would 358 00:25:21,824 --> 00:25:23,347 be detrimental to any of his friends. 359 00:25:24,653 --> 00:25:27,874 The girls that passed mustard would have sex 360 00:25:30,746 --> 00:25:33,227 with the different friends of Hefner. Sometimes on Pig Night, 361 00:25:35,490 --> 00:25:36,230 he had a special woman that came up. 362 00:25:38,493 --> 00:25:42,062 She was called the bleeder, and she would use a very large syringe 363 00:25:44,673 --> 00:25:46,719 and draw blood from his different friends. 364 00:25:50,070 --> 00:25:53,334 And then a girl would come and perform fellatio 365 00:25:53,943 --> 00:25:55,728 or give him a hand job. 366 00:25:58,295 --> 00:25:59,688 And that was a really big thrill for a lot of people. 367 00:26:01,647 --> 00:26:04,388 And especially John Belushi, for some reason, that really turned him on. 368 00:26:06,303 --> 00:26:07,217 I noticed that over time, 369 00:26:09,350 --> 00:26:13,223 these men sort of needed more for that sexual like stimulation. 370 00:26:15,704 --> 00:26:19,142 They needed to try things that were more transgressive because when you can have 371 00:26:19,186 --> 00:26:21,449 anyone you want and do anything, then it becomes boring. 372 00:26:24,017 --> 00:26:25,453 This is the roller skating party, when roller skating was really big. 373 00:26:27,890 --> 00:26:30,589 Nothing was going to ever be enough for him, and I realized that. 374 00:26:30,632 --> 00:26:32,721 It didn't matter how many people you brought in, how many beautiful girls, 375 00:26:32,765 --> 00:26:34,462 whatever it was, 376 00:26:37,683 --> 00:26:40,511 it would only satisfy him for the moment, and it would soon be over, 377 00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:42,426 and then he'd have to find something bigger, better naughtier. 378 00:26:44,733 --> 00:26:46,474 He had too much. He had too much. 379 00:26:50,434 --> 00:26:53,524 It dissolved into this madness. 380 00:26:57,267 --> 00:27:00,749 And I think the madness came from our relationship that he had created where for 381 00:27:00,793 --> 00:27:03,622 the first time, he could openly do these things. 382 00:27:05,536 --> 00:27:09,845 And he found somebody that loved him so much or was so easy 383 00:27:09,889 --> 00:27:11,630 to manipulate that it worked, but 384 00:27:13,806 --> 00:27:14,154 it wasn't enough. 385 00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:21,161 Cocaine became for me my way of blocking it all out. 386 00:27:23,206 --> 00:27:25,165 I could pretend I was somewhere else or I was somebody else. 387 00:27:27,036 --> 00:27:29,343 It didn't hurt me as much. It didn't hurt 388 00:27:31,432 --> 00:27:32,172 while I was doing that, it didn't hurt. 389 00:27:40,136 --> 00:27:41,485 And then I walked in once, and he was 390 00:27:44,227 --> 00:27:46,621 to with our dog. And I said, "What are you doing?" He says, "Well, 391 00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,667 dogs have needs." And I went, "Stop that, 392 00:27:50,930 --> 00:27:52,192 just stop that." And I never left them alone with the dog again. 393 00:27:54,629 --> 00:27:56,413 I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I could not believe what I was seeing. 394 00:27:58,459 --> 00:28:01,375 Well, there are some things that will not appear yet in Playboy, hmm, 395 00:28:03,638 --> 00:28:05,205 give an example, beastiality, it's a sexual practice. 396 00:28:08,208 --> 00:28:10,689 Is that a hangup that you won't publish Beastiality? 397 00:28:14,605 --> 00:28:16,042 No, I don't think that's a hangup. I think you have to separate 398 00:28:17,565 --> 00:28:21,221 the kinds of sexual activity that really are degrading. 399 00:28:25,138 --> 00:28:27,401 Joe Piasho, the head of security, was my boyfriend at the time, 400 00:28:29,664 --> 00:28:31,057 he told me a story about Linda Lovelace being brought up there. 401 00:28:34,060 --> 00:28:36,410 Linda Lovelace, she was the star of Deep Throat. 402 00:28:39,065 --> 00:28:40,588 This was probably the biggest pornographic film ever, at least at that point. 403 00:28:43,678 --> 00:28:45,071 Linda Lovelace, she got hooked up with this gassy individual, Chuck Traynor. 404 00:28:47,421 --> 00:28:51,730 Linda was married to Chuck Traynor who pimped her, 405 00:28:51,773 --> 00:28:53,732 who beat her up on a regular basis, threatened to kill her frequently. 406 00:28:55,603 --> 00:28:56,865 And when they arrived at the Playboy Mansion, 407 00:28:57,997 --> 00:29:00,434 she was treated like a piece of meat. 408 00:29:04,481 --> 00:29:08,442 Linda was obliged to take part in an orgy with Hefner's cronies. 409 00:29:09,835 --> 00:29:11,575 When I saw Linda Lovelace, 410 00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,449 I definitely did not feel that she was there willingly. 411 00:29:18,887 --> 00:29:21,063 All the guys were laughing when Linda Lovelace got out of the limousine, and she 412 00:29:21,107 --> 00:29:23,762 was drunk and drugged. 413 00:29:26,677 --> 00:29:28,070 And all of a sudden out of nowhere, a German shepherd shows up. 414 00:29:31,944 --> 00:29:34,468 They got her so messed up that they made her give the German shepherd oral sex. 415 00:29:36,992 --> 00:29:40,779 You want to talk about depravity? This is despicable. 416 00:29:45,522 --> 00:29:49,048 When Hef told me what that night had been, he said, yeah, 417 00:29:49,091 --> 00:29:50,658 so we invited her up, and we all watched. 418 00:29:57,056 --> 00:29:59,972 Who does that? Who does that? Who'd want to see that? 419 00:30:02,409 --> 00:30:06,152 The Linda Lovelace episode exemplifies the attitude of Playboy and 420 00:30:07,109 --> 00:30:07,980 Hefner to women by and large. 421 00:30:10,286 --> 00:30:12,506 This is the dark underbelly of Playboy. 422 00:30:15,901 --> 00:30:19,905 It's all very well espousing liberal causes and talking about the joys of 423 00:30:19,948 --> 00:30:21,994 life, freedom and sexual liberation, 424 00:30:25,084 --> 00:30:26,999 except it boils down to watch 425 00:30:29,653 --> 00:30:30,002 a girl have sex with an animal. 426 00:30:33,744 --> 00:30:34,180 Just gastly. 427 00:30:37,052 --> 00:30:41,013 I can't believe that I am that girl that accepted that world. 428 00:30:45,452 --> 00:30:50,500 He just took my world, and he just turned the knobs slowly so that 429 00:30:50,544 --> 00:30:54,156 everything came out of focus and the only thing I could see was what he told me. 430 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,340 He had to get more and more. I've never known anybody had to have that much sex, 431 00:31:04,384 --> 00:31:06,473 but then when it got uglier and uglier with, you know, 432 00:31:06,516 --> 00:31:08,736 bringing men into the bedroom, and I couldn't. 433 00:31:11,652 --> 00:31:13,959 No drug could have made me escape far enough, 434 00:31:14,002 --> 00:31:15,874 and I didn't want to be with another 435 00:31:15,917 --> 00:31:17,745 man. I certainly did not want to be with another man. 436 00:31:20,356 --> 00:31:24,230 Hef became that obsessed with it. I mean, yeah, 437 00:31:26,145 --> 00:31:28,887 you could see it in this face. It didn't matter how it made me feel. 438 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:31,715 It didn't matter. 439 00:31:34,109 --> 00:31:38,548 And sometimes it was painful. Men that 440 00:31:41,377 --> 00:31:43,902 forced themselves on you, it doesn't feel good. It hurts. 441 00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:48,080 And I would tell him that, please, don't, please. 442 00:31:50,299 --> 00:31:52,780 I would use those words. He hurts me. It didn't matter. 443 00:31:59,743 --> 00:32:04,270 I felt so violated having a man that I did not want to be with forced upon me. 444 00:32:06,620 --> 00:32:08,622 And the feeling that made me feel inside was just sick, 445 00:32:10,363 --> 00:32:11,930 the fact that my boyfriend was okay with that. 446 00:32:15,890 --> 00:32:19,459 There were guys up there that ended up in situations that they didn't want to be in. 447 00:32:21,069 --> 00:32:25,769 It became apparent that they have had more interest than 448 00:32:25,813 --> 00:32:28,076 I thought in John Dante. He wanted to sleep with him. 449 00:32:30,035 --> 00:32:33,603 When Hef would make advances on Dante, I could 450 00:32:33,647 --> 00:32:36,128 just see Dante's face just fall. And the dread, 451 00:32:37,825 --> 00:32:40,654 the dread like I would feel. And he knew he couldn't stop it. 452 00:32:45,746 --> 00:32:50,490 There were certain girls that I was very close to that I would call crying, 453 00:32:50,533 --> 00:32:52,492 and I would say, please come up, please come up so I don't have to do this. 454 00:32:54,189 --> 00:32:57,714 And they would, they would come up for me. And I felt, 455 00:32:57,758 --> 00:33:00,500 at least I was with a friend, and I was asking a lot of them, 456 00:33:04,025 --> 00:33:05,679 but they would come up, and that helped me get through it. 457 00:33:07,376 --> 00:33:09,335 I found Solace in them, the women, they were gentle. 458 00:33:11,598 --> 00:33:12,512 I needed gentleness. I needed love. 459 00:33:15,384 --> 00:33:20,041 At least I had the beauty and the tenderness with a girl that I couldn't 460 00:33:20,085 --> 00:33:23,523 get from him. I remember being in the office, talking to Mary, 461 00:33:23,566 --> 00:33:25,525 crying to Mary saying, "I'm so tired. I'm so tired. 462 00:33:28,049 --> 00:33:29,137 Why can't he just make a couple nights normal?" And again, 463 00:33:33,315 --> 00:33:34,012 well, if you're not going to do it, somebody else will. 464 00:33:36,666 --> 00:33:39,321 No, I could not, not feel well. I had to be there. I had to feel good. 465 00:33:40,409 --> 00:33:42,672 I had to be ready for anything. 466 00:33:47,460 --> 00:33:50,202 On the first day of my job as a valet, 467 00:33:52,204 --> 00:33:56,730 I went upstairs to the bedroom. I heard a lot of crying and moaning. 468 00:33:58,297 --> 00:34:02,692 So I went into the bathroom, and Sondra was on 469 00:34:02,736 --> 00:34:04,738 the floor, crying, and there was a lot of blood everywhere. 470 00:34:07,567 --> 00:34:09,308 I'd gone to the gynecologist, and I didn't want to be on the pill. 471 00:34:12,137 --> 00:34:15,053 And so my doctor said, "Well, we can put an IUD in." What's an IUD? 472 00:34:17,359 --> 00:34:20,362 "Well, you know, it's up there, and it does the work, and it's done. 473 00:34:20,406 --> 00:34:21,059 You don't have to think about it." I think, well, that's perfect. 474 00:34:21,102 --> 00:34:22,538 So he put it in me. 475 00:34:24,932 --> 00:34:25,541 She had bled all over the bed, 476 00:34:28,588 --> 00:34:29,415 and then she came into the bathroom, and Mr. Hefner, 477 00:34:31,286 --> 00:34:32,374 he got angry with her for not taking care of herself. 478 00:34:35,203 --> 00:34:36,422 And he goes, why would you do such a stupid thing? See, I wasn't being fun now. 479 00:34:38,772 --> 00:34:40,600 She was bleeding, and she was crying. And Mr. Hefner said, 480 00:34:42,602 --> 00:34:43,603 I don't really want to know your medical problems. 481 00:34:45,822 --> 00:34:48,956 I was just dying. It was hurting so bad I could barely take it, and 482 00:34:50,871 --> 00:34:53,613 I guess I passed out. One other time, 483 00:34:56,050 --> 00:34:58,444 four years into the relationship, I suddenly got really, really sick. 484 00:35:00,272 --> 00:35:02,970 The pain was so severe I could hardly walk, and it was my kidneys. 485 00:35:04,450 --> 00:35:06,930 And it was just excruciating. 486 00:35:09,585 --> 00:35:11,805 I remember when Sondra was sick with a kidney infection. 487 00:35:13,676 --> 00:35:16,984 I do think that her illness was in direct relationship to partying 488 00:35:18,507 --> 00:35:19,639 and also sheer exhaustion. 489 00:35:21,728 --> 00:35:23,599 I should have been in the hospital, but if he had sent me to the hospital, 490 00:35:26,472 --> 00:35:27,473 then there might have been questions why I was so sick. 491 00:35:29,214 --> 00:35:29,475 He didn't want any of that leaked. 492 00:35:34,262 --> 00:35:37,657 I was tired, and it was not just a body, 493 00:35:39,224 --> 00:35:41,008 it was a mind too. I felt that it was both being stripped, 494 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,319 used and swallowed up. It was just, he was eating me inside out. 495 00:35:48,929 --> 00:35:50,148 A kid who has a sweet tooth, who is thrust into a candy store 496 00:35:54,804 --> 00:35:56,806 and discovers that he is going to live in that candy store for the rest of his life, 497 00:35:59,940 --> 00:36:02,334 starts after a little while thinking about other things besides candy. 498 00:36:05,859 --> 00:36:06,338 When you're dealing with someone who's so 499 00:36:10,037 --> 00:36:13,693 self-centered and so manipulative, 500 00:36:14,955 --> 00:36:16,522 and she was so young and he was so not, 501 00:36:19,525 --> 00:36:20,308 he couldn't have had these relationships with a grown ass woman. 502 00:36:20,352 --> 00:36:23,398 Let's be very honest here. 503 00:36:23,442 --> 00:36:24,356 He could not have had these kind of relationships with an adult. 504 00:36:26,445 --> 00:36:30,492 And that's why they had to keep being young for him to be their first. 505 00:36:34,844 --> 00:36:38,544 He asked me, he said, "Do you like snuff films?" I said, 506 00:36:38,587 --> 00:36:41,024 "What's a snuff film?" And he said, "Well, it's a porn where 507 00:36:43,592 --> 00:36:45,986 in the end, they kill the girl, 508 00:36:46,029 --> 00:36:49,555 and that's the big orgasm." Like, who would watch that? 509 00:36:53,733 --> 00:36:57,737 And my reaction told him very clearly that he was not going down that highway with me. 510 00:36:58,564 --> 00:37:00,740 I thought, who- 511 00:37:02,742 --> 00:37:04,222 how could he like this? And how could I care for him? 512 00:37:06,746 --> 00:37:07,225 What kind of mind 513 00:37:10,706 --> 00:37:14,884 is so far gone that it takes killing somebody to get them 514 00:37:14,928 --> 00:37:16,234 excited for that big release? 515 00:37:18,801 --> 00:37:22,240 He was opening my eyes to this monster. I mean, really, he was a monster. 516 00:37:41,171 --> 00:37:44,784 To me, that last year I was turning 25, and my fears had 517 00:37:48,396 --> 00:37:52,574 started to affect me. I'd actually shake sometimes. I dreaded it every night. 518 00:37:52,618 --> 00:37:54,141 I knew that something was going to be expected of me, 519 00:37:55,751 --> 00:37:56,970 but the person that had run from the room, 520 00:37:58,188 --> 00:38:00,800 I think there were about 12 people up there, 521 00:38:03,890 --> 00:38:05,979 12 people. And that's when I look, I couldn't find myself, 522 00:38:08,111 --> 00:38:08,590 who am I? 523 00:38:11,637 --> 00:38:15,031 With all these limbs and arms and legs, 524 00:38:15,075 --> 00:38:17,164 and I'm thinking this is so awful. 525 00:38:18,513 --> 00:38:20,123 And so, I walked out 526 00:38:23,692 --> 00:38:24,476 and went to the one place I knew that people didn't know about, 527 00:38:28,654 --> 00:38:31,744 the grassy knoll on top of the jacuzzi where you could lay up there privately. 528 00:38:31,787 --> 00:38:32,179 And I just laid there under the stars. 529 00:38:37,184 --> 00:38:39,012 You're thinking that he couldn't find me up there. 530 00:38:44,234 --> 00:38:48,021 My life is him, and being there with him, I was turning 25. 531 00:38:50,110 --> 00:38:51,851 I remember looking in the mirror, looking in my eyes, thinking, where are you? 532 00:38:53,113 --> 00:38:55,333 Where are you? I wasn't there. 533 00:38:58,466 --> 00:39:00,860 I really changed a lot from 19 to 21. 534 00:39:01,948 --> 00:39:03,341 Everything changed about me. 535 00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:07,170 I go from being so fresh and young, 536 00:39:08,433 --> 00:39:09,695 and then that emaciated, 537 00:39:11,958 --> 00:39:16,223 terrorized girl that I might as well have been a vibrator. 538 00:39:16,266 --> 00:39:17,050 I might as well have been a sex toy because that's what I was. 539 00:39:22,838 --> 00:39:24,492 And nobody knew the hell I was in. 540 00:39:27,321 --> 00:39:28,540 And finally, I got the courage 541 00:39:31,543 --> 00:39:32,370 to leave. 542 00:39:34,850 --> 00:39:38,724 I had such great life when I entered those gates. I was so full of hope. 543 00:39:40,508 --> 00:39:41,379 I was riding a star. And when I left, 544 00:39:42,684 --> 00:39:45,078 I was on a burning meteorite to earth. 545 00:39:46,471 --> 00:39:46,906 I was hitting the ground hard. 546 00:39:48,864 --> 00:39:54,609 I wanted to be able to go and leave that all behind and find some 547 00:39:54,653 --> 00:39:59,266 normalness. I tried really hard to make it normal. It was all okay. 548 00:39:59,309 --> 00:40:00,528 I'm out of there. I survived it. I'm married, I've got children, 549 00:40:01,355 --> 00:40:02,922 my life is good, 550 00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:09,755 but it was affecting me, and it affected my marriage. 551 00:40:09,798 --> 00:40:11,931 It affected me every day. I don't know what normal is. 552 00:40:15,151 --> 00:40:18,590 You know, I lived a luxury life, yeah, but I paid dearly for it. 553 00:40:20,461 --> 00:40:25,248 I had so much damage done to me that I will never know how to be a 554 00:40:25,292 --> 00:40:27,773 normal person and to accept love as a normal person. 555 00:40:30,384 --> 00:40:31,951 I will never believe that a man would love me now because I'm old, 556 00:40:33,953 --> 00:40:38,044 I'm older, and that's just, nothing can convince me. 557 00:40:38,087 --> 00:40:41,134 Nothing can convince me that I'm a desirable to anybody now. 558 00:40:43,484 --> 00:40:45,791 I'd like to think that one day I'll meet my soulmate. 559 00:40:48,750 --> 00:40:51,274 I can't let go of that need, a need to just be loved just for yourself. 560 00:40:53,276 --> 00:40:56,062 You know, not for what you're going to do for somebody. I may never know that, 561 00:40:56,105 --> 00:40:57,455 but maybe in the next life, I don't know. 562 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:03,461 They zapped this young girl - where am I? They zapped this girl, 563 00:41:07,726 --> 00:41:10,816 away, she was gone. And all he did was take and take and take that. 564 00:41:12,861 --> 00:41:15,821 He zapped it right out me. And how dare did he do that? 565 00:41:17,344 --> 00:41:18,998 I was the best thing that ever walked into his life. 566 00:41:22,349 --> 00:41:27,354 But anyway, I'm so sorry I fell apart, so sorry. 567 00:41:32,272 --> 00:41:34,143 So it wasn't all glam and pokes. It wasn't all fun and games. 568 00:41:38,365 --> 00:41:39,366 I knew I wasn't. 569 00:41:43,631 --> 00:41:45,024 Drop back any point in time, take anybody from any point in time, 570 00:41:46,895 --> 00:41:50,769 you have one dinner. I wouldn't be at a dinner, but I mean, 571 00:41:50,812 --> 00:41:53,554 there's certainly people that you'd like to talk to one-on-one and such and find 572 00:41:53,598 --> 00:41:56,035 out what it was all about. I'd certainly like to talk to Christ, 573 00:41:56,078 --> 00:41:58,037 find out what that was all about. - Would he like your act? 574 00:42:00,082 --> 00:42:02,694 Probably. Probably be a little confusing to him, but I would imagine so. Yeah. 575 00:42:02,737 --> 00:42:05,174 D you think he'd be confusing to you? No, I don't think so, 576 00:42:05,218 --> 00:42:07,742 our values are probably very similar. Yeah. 577 00:42:07,786 --> 00:42:09,222 He forgave the whores. 578 00:42:44,126 --> 00:42:45,737 This is the time for women to be able to express themselves. 579 00:42:48,087 --> 00:42:50,916 I believed in the pitch because I had not seen the future. 580 00:42:52,265 --> 00:42:53,483 I had dreams of going up the corporate ladder. 581 00:42:55,311 --> 00:42:58,401 They pushed that ceiling right back into my face. 582 00:42:58,445 --> 00:42:59,446 You're never going to believe what I found in the garage. 583 00:43:01,753 --> 00:43:06,758 All of the complaints and the sexual assaults, every [beep] thing is on there. 584 00:43:08,107 --> 00:43:11,937 It was rampant with the sexual abuse of women. 585 00:43:11,980 --> 00:43:12,894 Playboy was a business, and I was part of it. 586 00:43:15,375 --> 00:43:17,769 I began hating myself.