SHE SIGHS
Don't fuck this up.
What's going on?
Oh, you're here.
Thought you were at Alex's. I was working on my portfolio.
Right, we ready?
Family meeting. Now?!
I have my interview. He got the idea from you.
Dad, I... DOOR BELL RINGS
Oh, that'll be Mina. Mina's coming?
Yeah.
Right. Um...
I just... Thank you all for coming, by the way.
Some things have arisen over the past few weeks that affect,
well, all of us.
And I thought it might be an idea for us to sit down...
Sorry. Sorry to...
I think it's great we're having a family meeting
and talking about stuff.
I just have an interview later,
so I might not be able to stay for the whole family meeting.
Can I ask a question about the family meeting?
Er... Sure.
Why is Mina here? Are you two back together?
Uh... No.
No. But, uh...
Cos I thought only family members were at a family meeting.
Oh, what about Finbar? Finbar's my partner.
If Tom and Mina aren't partners... I'm here as Tom's friend.
For support. Jesus...
Actually, Bernie, if I might...
I think it's wonderful that Mina is here.
For Tom and... and for all of us.
I've sat on many a committee throughout my academic career,
and believe me, there is no substitute for diversity...
...of opinion.
All voices welcome here.
OK, er, right.
I'm aware that we might have thrown a curveball...
We? I.
...in mentioning selling the house,
which is why I wanted to give everyone a chance
to air their feelings in an open and a reasonable manner.
Very sensible. So, who wants to go first?
I'll go first.
I don't want to sell this house.
Oh. Bernie...
This is the house where I raised my family,
where Ant was born, where my mother died,
not to mention my first-born son.
You might as well cut out my heart and stamp it into the ground!
Anyone else?
Do we have to sell the house?
Well, I wish we didn't...
But, like, is it the best time?
Just feels very sudden and, like, there's a lot of uncertainty
and, uh, choices and... Mum's recovery.
I'm not the problem here.
I know. I know that...
Tom can't live in a shed forever. No-one's making him live in a shed!
Yeah, but where else can I go? What about renting?
Have you any idea what the rental market's like these days?
He's plenty of money! He's not working.
I mean... Why's he not working?
You've been using my car.
Er, um, we can talk about this later, OK?
What's going on, Tom? Nothing.
Well, you told Shiv. Oh, he didn't tell me.
So how do you know? It doesn't matter.
Oh, is this another of your little secrets?
What? I thought we were here to be honest.
I'm just respecting Dad's privacy, OK?
Why, what's he done? Nothing!
Sounds a bit fishy, Tom.
Yeah, look, can we just please...?
So you're not working, and you haven't told anyone...
Except Shiv. Can we just leave it?
He's going through a lot.
What's he going through? Nothing! Oh, for God's sake!
Just tell us what's happened! No! Why?
Because! Because what?
Because it's not for me to say! Why?
Because! Because what?
Because he was smearing shit on a van!
Whose shit? Uh...
It was just some dog shit.
Whose van? My boss'.
Ah, Tom, no. They, uh...
They let me go.
They fired me. Before the... dog shit thing.
Is this why you came to see me, hm?
What, you went to see Mina?
Well... She asked me to visit you.
Oh, is...
...that why you...?
Ah, I see. I see. Uh...
Look, I admit, it hasn't been the greatest few weeks.
And, uh, maybe I didn't handle things as well as I...
But I've had some time to think now, and, er...
We've moved on, Bernie.
We don't need this house.
We could, uh, sell up now,
and both of us come out of it pretty all right.
Now, Ant's, er, got some figures...
Yep. So, er, in the current market, you guys could sell this place,
split the cash, probably come out with an apartment each.
An apartment?
Yeah, nice little one-bed somewhere local.
So this is what my life has come to?
A windowless one-bedroom apartment? Huh!
Not... Not windowless.
No, we-we can't stay living like this, Bernie.
You know, we've worked hard all our lives.
We're mortgage-free.
Well, almost, yeah. Almost?
Which is quite a privilege when you think about it.
I've been meaning to tell you.
I re-mortgaged the house.
When? A few weeks ago.
For what?! This and that.
What?! "This and that"? What are you saying, Bernie?!
Tom, if-if I might, erm...
I found a little pied-a-terre in the west, er,
between the mountains and the sea. Very reasonably priced.
It would have been a crime to let it go,
and I've, uh, taken on a little mortgage.
Bernie has kindly provided the deposit.
FINBAR CLEARS HIS THROAT
It's where I'll write my next book.
TOM YELLS
How could you do this?!
It's an investment! For who?!
If we could all just calm down...
You don't even know this man, and you're buying him property.
I have a lot of experience with conflict resolution.
First rule - stay in the room.
I'm not staying in that fucking room!
Wha...?
How did you re-mortgage without my signature?
Did you forge it?
Look, Tom, the payments aren't that much.
I can manage it. Jesus Christ, Bernie! That's fraud!
Oh, don't be so hysterical.
Why did I bother calling a family meeting?
Clearly, we only make unilateral decisions around here.
Ant! Yeah?
Tell your boss to come do that valuation.
Are you sure? Yes!
So, what? You're gonna just go ahead with this?
Why not? You did.
Look...
It's only 100 grand!
He'll pay it back now if you're so upset. Won't you?
We're selling the house, Bernie.
You can do what you want with your share.
I don't even know you any more.
I bought that.
DOOR SLAMS
Well, I hope you're happy! Me?! What did I do?
You brought her back. That woman! That witch!
She's the one putting ideas into his head,
he was grand out there till now.
Mum, did you forge Dad's signature?
What if I did? It's my house!
What the fuck?
FINBAR CLEARS HIS THROAT
They made peace in Northern Ireland. They'll make peace here.
MOBILE PHONE CHIMES
Shiv? Caroline, I really have to go...
I'll give you a lift. OK.
And it's not just the fact that she blames me for literally everything,
it's the total self-absorption, too, you know? Yeah.
Like, the lack of interest in anyone else's life!
Shiv, there's something that I... And do you know,
not one person has asked me what this interview is for? Shi...
I, um...
And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, by the way.
But, you know... you haven't asked me, either, so...
How could she do that?
So you're definitely up for this, yeah?
Cos if I go to my boss and you change your mind, it's...
I won't change my mind. Cos I really need this, Dad.
I'm done.
I'm fucking done.
Thanks, Dad. You're amazeballs.
Eddie! Caught that fish.
♪ I look at her, she looks at me
♪ In her eyes, I see the sea
♪ And I don't know What she'd see in me. ♪
KNOCK ON DOOR
Cuppa? Sorry. I just needed to think.
You don't need to explain.
I probably should have said something to Tom.
Little white lie for the greater good.
Totally understandable.
I'm going to the shops. Do you need anything? No.
Have a soak in the tub. Bit of me-time.
FINBAR: Text if you think of anything!
DOOR SHUTS
OK, I accept not everybody gives a shit about art.
Can you slow down?!
It's not like medicine is so fucking riveting, either.
Shiv... OK, it might save a few more lives.
Oh. Will you shut the fuck up?!
I'm... Shiv?
Oh, for God's sake!
Jack, wh...? What are you doing here?
I'm here for the interview.
What are you doing? Are you here for the interview?
Erm, kinda, yeah. Right.
And what time is your...? Can you hold Stevie for a sec?
What? I'm just bursting for a piss.
Oh, erm...
What is he doing here? Wha...?
He doesn't need this, it's for emerging artists.
He's not emerging, he's emerged.
Unless he's on the judging panel.
Oh, my God, he's on the judging panel. Of course he is.
This is fucking typical! He's on the fucking...
CAROLINE SNIFFS
Why are you crying?
Oh, my God, you're pregnant. Shh!
How far along? Almost four months.
I only found out the other week. I...
I thought it was just really bad indigestion.
Oh, Caroline...
Is it Shane's?
Yes, it's Shane's! Of course it's Shane's!
I'm like... 84% sure it's Shane's.
So you've told him?
Of course I haven't told him! OK.
So, what are you gonna do?
Get rid of it, obviously.
Really? Yes.
You sure?
I've booked the flights, I'm going Saturday, it's done.
I just needed to tell someone in case...
I don't know, something came up.
Do you think maybe you need some more time?
This wasn't meant to happen, Shiv. It's not on my timeline.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with a fucking baby?!
There y'are!
Thought you'd kidnapped my kid.
Why's she crying?
Everywhere I go, women crying.
Hey, Max. Thanks for seeing me.
God, I'm... I'm sorry, Tom. That sounds awful.
So how... How could I...? I need a lawyer.
Tom, I respect both you and Bernie.
I don't think I should...
I'm not trying to put you in an awkward situation here, Max.
I'm not. It's just, you know, I've always felt you and I have a...
special connection, you know?
Anyway, I value your advice.
Yeah, well, divorce is a nasty business, Tom.
My advice is, try some mediation.
Ah, no, no! No mediation.
We're past that.
I need a shark.
Have you ever had an abortion?
Yeah.
When?
Five years ago. In London.
Do you ever regret it?
No.
Then I won't, either.
I'm a different person to you.
Look, I don't think anyone should have to be a mother
if they don't want to be. Life's hard enough without that.
Just make sure it is what you want... for you.
Not just cos it doesn't fit into some timeline.
Siobhan Sheridan?
Good luck.
Dearbhla... Shiv.
Didn't realise that was you.
Your leaflet inspired me to apply.
Well... it did say YOUNG artists,
but never mind, the judges liked you. Come on in.
Hello, Shiv.
Hi. This is Caroline Sheridan. I've an appointment this weekend.
I'd like to push it back.
Just putting out the bins.
Hello.
So you call this A Cycle Of Shame: Meditations On Addiction.
Can you talk about that? Sure.
I'm drawn to both the abstract and figurative in my work,
so I've used harsh lines
and a repetition of colour to evoke...
Yes. But why shame as a theme?
Have you done something to be ashamed of?
Well, the piece is about addiction.
Yes, a brave choice of subject matter,
given that it's such a cliche.
I'm an alcoholic.
I tried getting sober in my early 30s and kept failing.
Last year, I was doing pretty well, made it to six months
before I fell spectacularly off the wagon.
I did some things I'm not proud of.
We addicts drink to get rid of our shame.
And then we do things when we're drunk
that make us more ashamed,
so it kind of becomes a vicious cycle.
And what about the things you did when you were not drunk?
Are you ashamed of those, too?
Of course.
That's what I'm exploring in this piece -
how one can be sober but still... messy.
But aren't we sick of the trope of the "messy" woman?
What about the women who just get on with it?
Who have jobs and raise kids,
and aren't endlessly talking about their problems or their... pussies?
Well...
...would that make great art?
Is this great art?
I just don't think young women relate to this any more.
They're bored by it.
I think it's easy to be bored when you're 23
and you haven't made any mistakes.
You know, come back to me when you're 40
and your life's in the shitter.
If you ask me, women are owed at least several more centuries
of "messy". I mean, Jesus,
we've had a millennia of just being baby factories or whores.
So you consider yourself a feminist?
Oh, yeah.
So would you consider it feminist to, erm, accept a job from a woman
who is eight months pregnant,
and then fuck her boyfriend behind her back?
Or would you simply put that down to being... "messy"?
Oh.
Apology Champagne. Oh?
Did you get my flowers last week? I did.
I am really sorry about what happened. Erm...
Er, but I've got good news.
My folks are selling the house, and I brought it to Eddie,
which means I'll be getting commission,
which means I won't need mates rates, which means...
I'm ready. To move in.
Is it OK - I took your washing out of the machine?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
Er, Ant, you remember Mikhail? Hi.
He's subletting Pete's room for a couple of months.
Oh. OK.
It just seemed like, you know, after everything, that...
it might be better for us to take it slow, you know?
Right, yeah. Yeah. We're not in any rush.
God, no! No!
Sure. You were the one with the foot on the accelerator.
Are these yours?
Oh, come on! Did they shrink?
Hey, give them! Give them to me! Give them to me! Give...
You're such a dick!
He's such a dick.
Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.
This feels firm to me. No, this is not a proper melon.
Here, this one. OK.
Caroline! Hey, hi!
What are you... doing here?
Fe-Feeling the-the melons...
Hi, I'm Caroline... Er, this is Marie-Luisa.
We work together.
And I am his girlfriend.
Right. Wow.
And you're Spanish? Half Spanish, half Portuguese.
Yes. Erm, I think Rory might have mentioned you.
When did you mention me? Er, are you having a party or...?
Oh, no. Just... sugar cravings.
Period?
Yep. Yeah.
Er, anyway... Er, yeah.
It was nice seeing you, Rory. Yeah, you too.
Why didn't you say I was your girlfriend?!
Ow, Jesus! Argh!
Kristen? Yes?
I just wanted to say I'm sorry... for everything.
I know I've caused you a lot of pain.
And I know you and Jack aren't together any more.
And I feel terrible for the part I played in... Oh, please.
Don't make yourself more important than you are.
It's not like you were the only one. It was Christmas.
Apology not accepted.
Go fuck yourself.
Hey, Shiv. How'd it go?
Why didn't you tell me she was on the panel?
I didn't wanna freak you out.
She tore me to pieces in there.
Fuck it! It's some shitty little parochial bursary,
you don't need it. Actually, Jack, yes, I do!
And by the way, that's easy for you to say,
you weren't in there being totally fucking...
HE CHUCKLES What?!
You look great when you're angry. HE CHUCKLES
Oh, my God.
It doesn't matter what they think!
WHISTLE
So... how'd it go?
It was a total fucking shit show. What?! No!
Is it something to do with your ex being here?
No. God... Were yis fighting?
He was just being himself.
It wasn't just my ex.
His ex was on the panel, my boss.
So what's your news? Your text this morning.
You said you had something to... Ah, it's not really...
Oh, come on. It sounded important, and I need a distraction.
Look, I... I didn't wanna do this here.
Erm...
I've been offered to go to Australia.
Australia? One of my business partners,
his brother lives in Melbourne,
and he wants to open a restaurant with us.
When? Soon.
And obviously, there's some considerations...
Yeah, like what?
Like you.
The fact that I'm falling in love with you.
What d'you think?
You wanna ride off into the sunset with me?
♪ Hey, baby, swing for the fences
♪ Whatever consequences
♪ I'm smiling like an idiot again
♪ I'm smiling like an idiot again. ♪
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