- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[radio static]
- And now a message from Gotham City Mayor
Hamilton Hill.
[bottle clinks] - ♪ I've got the valentine ♪
♪ Sweet Gotham valentine ♪
How do, Gotham City?
Happy Valentine's Day! [chuckles]
So let's see, I guess we're saying--
let me see. [paper rustles]
Where is it--oh, okay.
We got an official boil water advisory
for the entire city of Gotham.
The boil water advisory is due to a water main break?
Wha--water main break?
[snorts, laughing] Yeah, that's flimsy.
You know, come on, guys.
That just makes me look unimaginative,
you know, like I'm a bad liar.
I'm a good liar, okay? But whatever, okay.
Water, boil water advisory 'cause of a water main break.
Can you hear that out there? I'm winking.
You know, it's very quiet. It's making a noise.
I can hear it, but-- a water main break, wink,
affecting the greater Gotham area, wink,
not the terrorist clown that's been threatening us for a week,
wink!
Hey, that's just in case you can't hear it,
but, yeah, you know, it's just a little "squitch" noise,
like a "squitch."
Might be too quiet.
I don't know how sensitive this microphone is.
Here, can you hear? Can you hear it?
Hear that? No?
Eh, sue me, so-- [groans]
In an abundance of caution,
we advise citizens to boil their own water
before they use, uh, or, or, or!
Going off the page here, here's another idea-r.
[popcorn popping] You could...you could, no,
you know, not drink
[hiccups] not drink the water.
So you know, I haven't had a drink of water
in three days juuust to be on the safe side.
[chuckles] I got the announcement
a little earlier than you folks,
but anyway, remember... [bottle clinks]
Always neat, folks, no rocks. [pouring liquid]
Okay? You can't trust the ice these days either.
But I, you know,
I think the water in general might be...bogus.
So I can report that no [hiccups]
[chuckles] no ill effects are happening
right now after doing without.
[microwave beeping] Quite the opposite, in fact.
So, uh...
[groans] Except I'd give my left cheek
for some pierogis right now.
Hey! Hey, who wants some pierogies?
You know, maybe we call down to Dagmar's Diner
for a big ol' mess of pierog--no!
No, no, no, no, no, no, you need to stop drink--
[static]
[smooth music]
- Gotham, the city of yesterday as eternal now.
Join us for a tale of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
February 14th, Valentine's Day.
The Joker is ready to make a murderous comeback
with a sinister new terrorist spectacular
he calls Dark Purple Dawn.
But threatening to upstage the big event is Catwoman
who has learned of the Joker's whereabouts
and rushes to warn the Batman.
- Batman, come in.
Damn it, how can I have no bars?
- Meanwhile, another somewhat
lesser celebrity criminal... [knocking]
is beside himself with rage and envy.
He pounds insistently on the door
of the dilapidated funhouse. [knocking]
Having lately hauled himself out of the Gotham river
at Amusement Mile, the Riddler is damp and miserable.
[knocking]
He has many reasons for his raging snit,
not least a close scrape with GCPD SWAT
and an unseasonable swim across Gotham Harbor
after diving off the deck of a foundered ocean liner,
but at present, his ire is focused
on the master of this house... [door creaks open]
Who suddenly is standing in the doorway
wearing a purple bathrobe and a bone-tired smile.
- Okay, Joker. - Ugh, you.
What do you-- - Riddle me this.
- Oh, brother, why are you yelling?
- You pick me out from the crowd
and give me a problem to solve.
I scratch my head, and the solution comes to me
in a flash!
What am I, huh? What am I, huh?
- [sighing] Uh, what? - [groans]
You pick me out from the-- - No, gah, I heard you.
I just--listen, can we-can we just do this another time?
Big day today, and I got eggs on the stove.
- [chuckling] Do you even know what a riddle is?
- Okay, come on in, I guess. - Of course you don't.
It's all about jokes to you.
A riddle, a riddle is a dishonest truth.
A riddle is deceitful sincerity.
Can you even comprehend the elegance
of this paradox?
Fundamentally, a riddle is a crime committed
upon an idea, ha!
- Hold on, hold on, this is news to me.
I gotta process this.
Are you telling me bowler hats are back in, Eddie?
- Oh, you-- - I don't think they are.
- You are a vulgar hack!
- Still, at least you're wearing clothes.
Eh, that green bodysuit with the question marks
from last year?
We get it, Ed, you have a gym membership.
- Why doesn't anyone see that I'm better than you?
- I...I don't know, Ed.
You're a hell of an entertainer, it's true.
But we ain't exactly living in lean times
for entertainment options, savvy?
- No, I'm an artist! Art is eternal!
- Well, people aren't.
I remind them of that, and they're grateful I guess.
Maybe it's that simple.
- Blech! Twaddle, lame-o!
- Listen, if you're staying, find a seat where you can.
Sorry about all the boxes.
Lived here six months, still haven't unpacked.
- Oh, I'll sit.
I'm not going anywhere until you answer my riddle.
Ah, you're stumped, aren't you?
Admit it, admit it. - Oh, boy.
What was it again? - [sighing irritably]
You pick me out from the crowd and give me a problem to solve.
I scratch my head,
and the solution comes to me in a flash.
What am I?
- Okay, okay, uncle. Let's see.
You pick me out from the ba-ba-ba-ba...
I'm no good at this. You know who is?
Milt, I think we should ask Milt.
- What, what Milt? Milt?
Who's-who's-who's Milt? - Hey, Milt.
That box you're sitting on, Eddie,
would you get up for a second? - What?
- [muffled] Coming, Mr. Joker.
- Suddenly, there is a stirring inside the packing crate
upon which the Riddler is sitting.
- Wha--[yelps] - He leaps off
as a balding and rumpled man
in a brown suit emerges from the box.
- Hi-ho, Mr. Joker. - Good night!
- The man cocks a dull gray pistol.
- Get ready to die, little man. - What--huh?
- Hey, whoa, easy there, Milt, easy, yeesh.
Eddie, that's Milt. Milt, that's Eddie.
- [stammering] How long has he been--
- Is it finally my turn, Mr. Joker?
- Didn't I say just be patient, Milty old boy?
[muffled chatter] - Dear, sweet faith,
do all these crates...
- As the Riddler looks around him wildly,
can he hear breathing, coughing,
murmuring in the many similar crates all around him?
His exceptional mind reels.
- Could you hear the riddle in there, Milt?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Joker.
You pick me out from the crowd and give me a problem to solve.
I scratch my head,
and the solution comes to me in a flash.
- What on God's greenest-- - The answer is a matchstick.
- Milt says it's a matchstick. Is that right?
I don't get it.
Oh. [chuckling] I get it.
I don't like it. - Who is this man?
- Who, Milt? I don't know.
Some accountant, I think. Doesn't matter.
Point is, he didn't see where he fit, you know?
Where he plugged into the old switchboard.
He had the setup but not the punchline.
People like him, they find me, and together we have a laugh.
- What are they all doing in there?
- Right now, not a whole heck of a lot, honestly.
Waiting for instructions, but don't worry.
I'll find something for all of them to do
today, next week, someday. [muffled sneezing, chatter]
It's just like your matchstick gag, Eddie.
I pick 'em out of the crowd,
and I give them problems to solve,
but first I scratch their heads.
I scratch 'em good.
I scratch the itch they didn't know they had.
Do you know how good that feels?
- Now do I shoot him, Mr. Joker?
- You wouldn't--
- No, of course we wouldn't, Milt.
Don't you know who that is?
That's the artist of crime.
Let's show you out, Eddie.
[carnival music] Big, big day today.
It's Valentine's Day.
- Riddler blinks erratically as he tries
to compute this bewildering new data.
- This, um, what you're doing here, I've never--
- Thanks for stopping by, Ed.
Go dry off somewhere, okay?
- This--this isn't crime.
This is art.
- Listen, Eddie. You're talented.
You don't deserve the names people call you.
- What do people call me?
- But these are crazy times we're living through.
It's tough to hear, but maybe it's time
to think about whether your act is still relevant.
Does Gotham City really need a Riddler right now?
- Yeah, yeah, think, I-I gotta think.
I-I just gotta think.
- Okay, now, thanks for dropping in.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Oh, oh, don't drink the water at all later today.
The boil water thing won't save anyone.
[whispering] Shh, top secret.
Keep that one under your, uh, bowler hat.
[door shuts]
[mysterious music]
- The Riddler, suddenly alone in the Gotham gloom,
staggers away to find a quiet place to think.
The subjects of his plaintive reflection
will include, but are not limited to,
art, philosophy, and existence
as they impact "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[ominous music]
[line trilling]
- Thank you for calling Arkham Asylum
for the Criminally Insane,
celebrating 150 years of quality mental care.
It has been--four--days since our last disciplinary lockdown.
If this is a generalized psychiatric emergency,
press one.
If you think you are being mind-controlled by the Batman,
press two.
If you think you are the Batman, press three.
For all other-- [beep]
If you know your party's extension--
[buttons beeping]
- Hi, please leave a message for Dr. Jeremiah Arkham,
and remember, a healthy mind is an asylum you take with you.
[beep]
- Dr. Arkham, this is the Riddler.
I wish to negotiate the terms of my surrender.
I'm not...
[dejectedly] I'm not having fun anymore.
I will peacefully submit myself anew
to your quackish ministrations in exchange
for no less than the following:
Item the first, a library of the classics
in the original Latin and Greek tastefully bound.
Next, a subscription to the "Gotham Review of Books."
You'll provide macrobiotic options in the cafeteria,
a television set tuned to Gotham City One,
and a live chamber orchestra outside my cell
every Friday evening with strict instructions
to play no Berlioz.
These are the only terms I will accept, and further--
- Please insert 10¢ for an additional three minutes.
- Okay, wait, wait, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Please insert 10¢ for an additional three minutes.
- Okay, I heard you the first-- I don't have it.
Fine, listen, I'm broke, and I'm broke,
and Batman said I could have a deck of cards!
- Please insert 10¢ for an additional three minutes.
- He can't take that back! He can't take it back.
He said it. He's a cop.
So I'll turn myself in for a deck of cards!
Just let me come home please, Dr. Arkham.
This town, this town, you have to be crazy
to ever leave the insane asylum.
[mumbling incoherently]
[wailing]
- Thank you for using Gotham Bell.
Goodbye. [line disconnects]
[radio static]
- ♪ In the dark purple dawn ♪
♪ When the sil-- ♪
[radio static]
[soft music to tune of "Dark Purple Dawn"]
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[guitar music to tune of "Dark Purple Dawn"]
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[jubilant piano music to tune of "Dark Purple Dawn"]
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[line trilling]
- Hi-de-ho, you've reached Helen and Stan.
Say hi, Stan. No, it's just a message.
Say h-- All right, okay, Stan says hi.
Anyway, leave a message at the beep.
[beep]
- Hey, Stan, it's me.
I'm still on the bus, but I'm almost in--
- Folks, we're about 14 miles from Gotham City,
and that's our final stop.
- [laughs] Yeah, I guess you heard that.
All right, well, bus ride was great.
Made a friend, young gal from Central City,
starting a new life in Gotham.
Ah! Now, say hi to Stan, Central City.
Just say hi. It's just a message.
Just say-- No, all right, okay, all right.
Well, Central City says hi, Stan.
She's coming to town to start a new job.
What is it, honey? You're a nurse, right?
No? No, all right, well, what's the difference?
Anyway, so excited to finally see Gotham City!
Ah, I wish you were here, honey pie, but don't worry.
I'll take lots of pictures,
and if I see one of those crazy Gotham super crimes
you like to ready about in the--ahh!
[tires squealing, brakes screech]
Stan, the bus almost rolled over,
we stopped so fast. [sirens wailing, radio chatter]
Stan, Stan, you won't believe what I'm seeing right now.
It's a road block in the middle of the street.
There's a grown man in a diaper!
Stan, he's shooting arrows at people willy-nilly!
Oh, Stan, you'd love it! [camera clicking]
Don't worry, I'm getting lots of pictures.
[horn honking] Listen!
This enormous man is standing on top of a garbage truck
that's blocking the road,
and he's firing arrows everywhere
with a little tiny bow!
And people outside are diving behind cars, and,
Stan, he's naked as a jaybird except for little angel wings.
And he got--what is that, Central City?
Oh, Central City says he's supposed to be Cupid!
I get it, today is Valen-- [radio chatter]
[gasps] Oh, Stan, the cops are here.
Oh, God, they're coming onboard the bus.
Talk about a wild town, Stan.
This cop has green hair!
What, Central City?
What do you mean--you don't think that's a cop?
[gunshots and screaming]
Oh, my God, what is going on? Oh, my God, Stan!
Stan, it's him! Oh! - [over loudspeaker] Hello,
all you beautiful out-of-towners!
I love out-of-towners.
They're some of my favorite...towners.
What a day you picked to come to our fair Gotham City,
Valentine's Day. [people sobbing]
Well, my name is the Joker,
and I got a basket full of Valentines
for you lucky people today.
This is just like school where everybody gets one,
even the smelly kid.
Good news for you, sir, right?
Yeah, it's that cologne, sir.
How does the warning label on the bottle read exactly?
Anything about, "Use only in a well-ventilated area"?
Is there a prominent skull and crossbones, by any chance?
[helicopter whirring] I kid the guy, but he reeks,
and it's from alcoholism.
So what exactly does this Valentine's Day edition
of the welcome wagon have for you good people today?
Charlie, my man, pass the fruit basket over here.
Yummy-num, let me pass out the goodies.
[loudspeaker squeaks off] [distant screaming]
Would you like some fresh fruit, ma'am?
- Oh, no--I don't want--not me.
- Those are kumquats
from Gotham's famous Kumquat District.
Go ahead, take one.
- [crying] I don't want it. I don't want it.
- Go on.
- Well, I mean, if it's mandatory,
I guess I'll take this little--
[explosion, people scream] Ah! Oh, my God!
- Oh, yes, that was a gag.
She found the exploding kumquat, and yes,
it blew her hand off, but joke over.
Let's get serious about this fruit.
[people begging] It is fresh and delicious.
Go ahead, take a kumquat, sir. - Oh, my God.
- They're very good.
Famous Gotham Kumquat District.
Oh, don't be a scaredy.
Choose any one you-- [explosion, person screams]
Yes, okay, yes, that one blew up, too.
Oh, boy, I got a lot more kumquats to pass out,
and my credibility is shot now, isn't it?
Okay, busted.
Most of the kumquats explode.
I swear it wasn't the plan.
I really did just have one exploding kumquat
in there at first, but then I figured
two would be pretty funny.
Then of course, everyone knows comedy works in threes.
Before you know it,
I'm sitting on a classic overkill situation.
The smelly guy knows what I'm talking about, right,
you human puddle of rock-bottom?
By the way, we don't have a Kumquat District in Gotham.
I knew that was not a buy, but I couldn't resist.
For a hack like me, a funny word like kumquat
is such a low-hanging fruit.
[chuckles] See what I did there?
But seriously, if I'm honest, top to bottom regrets
on this whole fruit basket bit.
One exploding banana would've sold the gag, Joker,
you mug, but you got greedy!
Anywho, I'm not worried about winning you back, folks,
'cause that ain't even the warm-up act.
Charlie, music! [upbeat music plays]
You're all VIP guests at the premiere performance
of my new romantic comedy.
It's called "Dark Purple Dawn," and folks,
I promise you will split your sides laughing.
And if you don't,
then I will personally split them for ya.
That's the Joker guarantee.
- Stan, you have to call the cops, the real cops.
I-I'm-- - No.
No, I'm sorry, please.
Silence all cell phones during the performance, toots.
It's called upholding the social contract.
Give me that.
Hello, Floyd.
Yeah, Aunt Bee can't talk right now.
She's canning peaches with Goober.
I know how that sounds,
but keep your mind out of the gutter.
This is a family show. Tell your friends about it.
In this one, everybody falls in love in the end.
[laughs maniacally]
[news theme music]
- ♪ Gotham City One ♪
- Good evening, Gothamites.
This is Jack Ryder live for Gotham City One.
As evening approaches on this Valentine's Day,
the city is beset by anxiety over the Joker's vague threats
of an event he's calling Dark Purple Dawn.
The GCPD has refused to speculate
on what Dark Purple Dawn is,
but urged the public to remain calm,
go about their business normally,
and have on hand three weeks' worth
of potable water and canned food.
Just a moment ago, I was able to reach Commissioner Gordon,
and he had this to say. [beep]
- Please, please, please, make way.
- Commissioner!
The Joker has been taunting the city for days.
How serious is the threat?
- How serious? Joker serious.
Now, no further comment at this time.
[beep] - Incredibly, there are
Gothamites who are not hiding in their homes tonight,
Gotham's young people.
A growing crowd of teenage Joker fans are gathering
near the derelict funfair at Amusement Mile
in eager expectation of a personalized valentine
from the clown prince of crime.
Um, yes, excuse me, Jack Ryder, Gotham City One.
Are you actually out here in support of the Joker?
- Yeah, man. Joker's cool, man.
- He's just living his truth.
- Yeah, well, o--well, the truth is,
he's a mass murderer and a malignant psychopath.
- I know, right? Poor guy.
Well, you can thank the Batpig for that.
- Yeah, like, I heard Joker was just some basic crook
before Batman pitched him into the crazy juice.
- Yeah, man, if the Joker's a little cracked, man,
it's the Batman who dropped him on the concrete, man.
Don't hassle the Joker!
- You think arresting the Joker for murder is hassling him?
- Like, you squares can't even handle Joker, man.
You have such predictable lives.
You're just a monkey in the zoo, Jack Ryder.
- Joker is free,
corporate puppet man. [crowd chatter]
[dark music] - Joker is the unexpected, man.
I'm all about the unexpected, Dad.
The unexpected is my bag, man.
Bring on the unexpect--ahh! [tiger growls]
- Okay, heaven, someone help this kid.
A tiger is eating his face off.
- Mickey, get the cam--
Folks, there are a pair of tigers loose in the park.
Where-where did they-- it's pandemonium!
Stay tuned for more as it develops on Gotham City One.
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a thick cut of urban decay
sliced parallel to the bone.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
The Gotham elevated train system,
a locomotive labyrinth high above the city streets.
Catwoman is perched upon the lead car
of a speeding uptown nine.
She is in the stunned aftermath
of her discoveries at Ace Chemical,
but she still has wit sufficient to try
to warn the dark knight about the imminent danger.
- Batman, come in. Damn it, where is he?
- Riding atop the thundering electric carriages,
Catwoman can get from Ace Chemical
to GCPD headquarters in eight minutes flat,
assuming the routine track fires in derailments.
But before she's covered half the distance,
and urgent dispatch overheard on police band radio.
- 2-Adam-1, what's your exact 926?
- Tigers!
A pair of them running wild down at the abandoned zoo!
Requesting permission to use lethal force.
- Copy that, 2-Adam-1.
- Over my dead body.
- Catwoman suddenly leaps to a train
traveling the opposite direction,
and soon she is speeding towards home.
As Downtown Nine barrels around the corner
and through the shuttered Zoological Park Station,
Catwoman is once again airborne and in freefall,
landing with grace in the midst of a crowd
seizing with panic and fear.
Her two giant pets are running rampant
through the city streets.
- Dagger, Shank, stop it!
What has gotten into--ahh!
- But they pay no heed to their mistress's voice.
They are crazed, inconsolable.
Primal terror flashes in the deep jade
of their luminous eyes.
It soon becomes sickeningly clear
why her friends suffer so. [electricity crackles]
Fitted tightly around their brawny necks are
heavy electroshock collars.
With a malicious crackle, they shoot excruciating voltage
through the terrified beasts.
Senseless with agony and rage, the massive creatures lash out
at any who cross their tortured path.
- Don't worry, darlings. I'm here.
And whoever did this to you will pay.
- [laughs] I do not think so,
chicky baby. [blade slices]
- A shadow falls athwart the scene.
It is pierced by a flash of cold steel.
- I think I paid enough already.
I come for a full refund. [laughs]
- Standing over Catwoman with his blasphemous blade held high
is the deranged husk that once was King Scimitar.
His eyes blaze as the toxin in his veins bloom
into a dark purple fog in his brain.
- You think you are so smarty-pants, kitty-cat, huh?
You think you leave me with nothing?
Ha, no, you leave me with only things,
fire burning in my belly and swords singing in my hand.
What? What, my queen?
Beautiful? Yes, my precious love.
It finally is time to cut the Cat.
[chuckles, grunts]
- King Scimitar lurches at the object of his rage.
His mighty blade gouges the asphalt
as Catwoman rolls clear of the blow.
Her eyes narrow as she snarls.
- You gutter rat, you hurt my cats.
You're gonna wish you left town when that was an option.
- Oh, I do not think so.
You see, I gonna be king again, Cat.
I gonna reign a thousand years with my queen.
The gutless gonna grovel while King Scimitar
gonna eat up all the fat, mmm.
When King Scimitar carve up the carcass,
milk and honey gonna flow like foaming rivers
of blood in these streets.
- That barely makes sense,
and yet it's just so disgusting.
[both grunt]
You made a big mistake, you hateful moron.
- [grunts] [blade slices]
- You could have done what you wanted to me,
my hideout, my loot. - [grunting]
- But you went after my girls.
And I am a very...
[blows landing] freaking...serious...
cat person.
[grunts, blows landing]
- In truth, the heavily intoxicated zealot
never stood a chance against Catwoman's nimble fury.
With flashing paws and a series
of vicious kicks to the midsection,
the malicious monarch is disarmed,
and the dreadful weapon clatters down a storm drain.
- No, my queen! [exhaling]
No, my beloved!
You will not win, Cat!
- Come on, you sick maniac. I already did.
You lose again.
You ain't got your stupid sword.
You got nothing.
- You are wrong, you wretched stray.
I have this. [device beeping]
Yes, is remote for shock collars.
Only this button is detonator. - No!
- Indeed, Catwoman can now see the collars
on her exhausted pets are armed
with heavy yield cordite charges.
- I lose sword, tigers lose heads!
King Scimitar wins.
- Catwoman doesn't see a good option,
so she takes the only option.
- Please don't. I'm begging you.
- The madman's face explodes with mirth.
- [laughs] You are begging me, yes!
Beg, beg your king, beg!
- Please don't do it. They're innocent creatures.
They-- - Oh!
Deedly, deedly, oh, dee-dee-dee-dee.
You see what I am doing?
I am making a tiny violin with my fingers.
I'm so sad for you.
- Your majesty, King Scimitar, take it out on me.
Don't hurt the-- - Oh, boo-hoo.
I play louder. Dee-dee-dee-dee.
Dee, dee, dee, dee--twank!
Oh, look what you made me do.
I broke a string, a tiny string on a tiny violin.
Now, where in this time of night
am I going to find some fresh cut gut, huh?
[cackles]
- But just as his thumb comes down upon the detonator...
[wire whistling] - Ahh!
- He's hauled feet-first into the air
by means of a heavy cable.
The detonator falls harmlessly to the pavement
as King Scimitar finds himself dangling from a lamppost.
- Batman.
- Your tigers are going to be fine, Catwoman.
I have just given them a sedative.
You'll be able to remove the collars
without further injury.
- Where have you been?
- Joker ambushed a busload of tourists outside town.
He got away while I was distracted with--
- You know what? I don't care.
You've gotta get out of here.
- That's a fairly immature response
to my assistance, Catwoman.
- No, you ridiculous man,
you have to get down to the waterfront.
I was just on my way to tell you.
Joker's working out of an Ace lab by the cannery.
- What?
- There's apparently a decommissioned
Ace Chemical lab.
- No, of course I know about that facility,
113 Pearl at Front Street,
but it's regularly serviced by an Ace security subsidiary.
It shouldn't-- - There's more to the story.
It can wait. Trust me, he's there.
- With a grim scowl that will have to pass for gratitude,
the dark knight makes to disappear
into the shifting shadows.
- Wait, I'll help. - No, you won't.
You need to take care of your tigers.
- Give me two minutes. - I'm sorry, Catwoman.
I'd like to have you by my side,
but I can't have civilians interfering
with a law enforcement operation.
- What? Do you really think you can put up police tape,
and I'll stay on the other side?
You used to be cool.
- There could be hundreds of lives at stake, Catwoman.
I have a duty to the city, an official duty,
and involving you would be a dangerous dereliction of it.
Call it a night. - What?
Now, did you just "return to your homes" me?
I do not believe it.
- You can't walk the line forever, Catwoman.
And I can't keep excusing your unlawful activity.
Sooner or later, you'll have to choose a side.
I hope you end up on mine,
not just because it's the right thing to do,
but because you know what will happen
if I decide I have to come for you.
- Watch it, Batman.
You come for me,
and you're gonna see why I hold my own in this town.
- Their gazes meet,
an irresistible force meeting an immovable object,
that catastrophic collision of quintessences
that gives birth to both love and hate.
And without another word between them,
Catwoman is alone.
- Well, maybe it's true what they say,
staying friends never works.
[smooth music]
- Catwoman tends to her grateful pets
as ideas for moving on with her life
begin to take devious form.
After all, the jungle is wherever the tiger takes it.
It's a common maxim
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[news theme music]
- ♪ Gotham City One ♪
- This is Jack Ryder returning to you live
from Amusement Mile where a pair of Bengal tigers
were successfully subdued by--
[static]
[jubilant music] - [laughs]
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program
to bring you a star-studded Joker special!
- ♪ Love the Joker ♪
- I'm so freaking happy right now.
♪ ♪
- Live from an abandoned Ace Chemical facility
in the historic Cannery District
on a catwalk high above several gigantic bubbling vats
of toxic purple swill,
it's the red carpet coverage at the world premiere
of "Dark Purple Dawn"!
- ♪ It's a red carpet show ♪
♪ Let's go yack with some schmoes ♪
♪ It will help kill the time ♪
♪ 'Cause life is so very long ♪
♪ When you're dead inside ♪
- Good evening, Gotham City, such a special night.
I'm Charlie Charliehorse coming to you
from the all-star premiere of the Joker's new spectacular,
"Dark Purple Dawn." Let me tell you, folks,
it looks like someone spilled the Milky Way
on the catwalk tonight because the stars
are all over this dang joint. [wind howling]
Well, here's the duke of juke himself,
Mr. Stoveplate Sullivan.
Can we have a moment, Stoveplate?
- What-what, me?
- Well, I don't see any other dancehall legends
on this catwalk, do I, Stoveplate?
- I told you on the bus, my name is Herman Vanderford.
I don't know what any of this--
- So those are some snazzy threads, Stoveplate.
Tell us, who are you wearing tonight?
- What--I'm wearing the tuxedo you made me put on at gunpoint.
Please, I just want to cooperate.
- [chuckling] Well, then have a great time tonight
and learn while you laugh. That's all the Joker ever asks.
Well, who is this just arriving?
It's none other than the songstress of sadness,
Miss "Dark Purple Dawn" herself, Violet Bump.
How are you tonight, Miss Vi? [dark music]
- H-Helen, my name is Helen.
I have to call my husband, S-Stan.
- Looking great, Miss Bump, a vision in violet.
Who are you wearing tonight? - I don't know.
This dress isn't mine, and there's blood on it.
- Hold that thought, Miss Violet,
because he has arrived.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the françois true foe of Batman's true foes.
He's your comic relief,
and he's here to relieve himself all over you.
It's the man of the hour, the Joker!
[applause track plays, upbeat music]
- Well, good evening, Charlie.
Don't you look good in a monkey suit.
- [chuckles] Maybe so.
But it is no contest
who's got the flashiest glad rags in the joint.
Mr. J, tell us, who are you wearing tonight?
- Well, the suit is Hugo Voss, the vest is Yves Saint Laurent,
and the shoes are Dr. Carmichael.
He was a mediocre psychiatrist, but let me tell you,
he's a fantastic pair of loafers.
- Ha-ha, outstanding.
Now, "Dark Purple Dawn" is something new for you.
- That's right, Charlie. It's a love story.
- You're most known for your work
in the neurotoxin genre.
Now, why change it up?
- Well, you know, I've always loved the romance.
[waves lapping] Boy meets girl.
The moment when infatuation turns to yearning,
turns to homicidal obsession, turns to restraining orders.
Plus, I don't care who you are.
Spritzing some ding-a-ling with drugs that'll knock him
head over heels in love with a car,
or a hamster, or his wife's neighbor,
or whatever happens to be on his mind
is classic screwball.
- Some are saying it might be your finest work, Mr. J.
- Well, thanks, Charlie,
but let's not forget what it's all about.
Sure, a lot of people are gonna die tonight,
and that's fun. [eerie delicate music]
But we can't let it overshadow the real reason
we work in this crazy business.
We do it for the fans, eh?
Here's one now.
Hiya, toots! - What are you doing?
Let go, you creep! - What's your name, tomato?
- I'm Ms. Beeswax, Jackson, as in none of yours.
- I--what? Okay, that is rude.
But it is just stuffed with personality,
so I'm gonna ask you one more time.
What's your real name, blondie?
- Why should I tell you mine if you won't tell me yours,
Mr. J-- - That's it.
I've had enough of you. - Put me down! Put me--
- [grunts] [people exclaim]
[heaving grunt] - Ahh!
[splash]
- Boy, she sunk like a rock,
didn't she? [people weeping]
You know, there's always a protester
at these things these days. Mm.
It's a depressing sign of our times.
Well, that batch is ruined.
Drain vat three to filtration and reclamation!
And don't let Ms. Fussbudget's body
clog up the pipes.
The show must go on!
[crashes, people screaming]
Well, now it's a bash.
- Joker. - Batman, you made it.
And you are way outside our target demo,
so if we're reaching you, then marketing is really--
[grunts] [dramatic music]
[footsteps approaching] - Boss, he's coming this way.
- Keep the camera steady, Charlie.
This is all gold. - Charliehorse.
- Boss, it's pretty clear he wants me to stop filming.
- Stand tough, Charlie. Think of my fans.
Hey, hey now, Bats!
Leave Charlie out of this!
That poor devil's just two weeks from retirement.
He's got a full pen-- [blows landing]
Oh, boy. Oh. [objects crashing]
Oh, my.
Oh, that's new. Oh, dear, uh-oh.
Well, at least spare the TV camera.
[TV static] That thing wasn't ch--
Oh, do you have to-- [static]
[silence]
[suspenseful music]
- Gotham, a nice place to visit,
but you wouldn't want to die here.
Join us now as we reach the final intersection point
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
High on the catwalk at a defunct Ace Chemical factory,
two mortal enemies, one immortal struggle.
Something about this scene feels familiar.
- Let the hostages go, Joker, and I'll send you back
to Arkham with the use of your legs.
- Oh, you, just never mind my legs, you masher.
Fresh. [liquid bubbling]
- What's in the vats?
- Just a little something to help get us all in the mood.
You in the mood for love, caped crusader?
Of course you are. Everybody is.
It's Valentine's Day!
Dance with me, Batman.
Do you remember our dance, our dream?
[classical dance music]
Dance with me,
and maybe I don't flood the city water supply
with psychotropic aphrodisiacs.
- We are not negotiating.
- Ugh, haven't you got a romantic bone in your body?
Look at what I did.
I recreated our first date.
Don't you remember?
I wore a red hood,
and you...were overdressed, but you made it work.
And that's not all you made that night, is it?
You made me.
I was just a mixed-up crook till you came along, gorgeous.
I remember the fall,
sinking into a vat just like those down there,
the chemicals seeping into my mind
and unwinding it like a ball of dark purple yarn.
And then in a whiplash of agony,
the whole mess hardened like glue.
A million bugs in my brain got trapped
in amber forever.
Can you know what that feels like, Batman?
[ominous music]
- No, but neither can you.
- Excuse me? Rude.
I think I know my own story.
- We'll see if you do. It's time for the truth, Joker.
See, I've often marveled at your madness.
It's majestic in its obscenity.
- Batman, you do notice.
- What created such a diseased thing?
I had to know,
so after painstaking trial and error,
I finally recreated the exact mixture of chemicals
you fell into.
- Wait, you what?
- I replicated the conditions
that supposedly created you, Joker,
and I got into the vat myself.
- You did what?
- I took the plunge, too, Joker,
into the unique chemical mixture
you fell into that night to see what you see,
and the effect on my sanity, Joker...
[dramatic music] - No.
- Was nil. - No!
- Zero, Joker.
The chemicals were caustic,
but there was absolutely no psychotropic effect.
It did not touch my mind.
- That's a lie.
- It did not affect your mind either, Joker.
Whatever fiend came out of the vat that night
five years ago was exactly the one that went in.
The Joker was just a change of clothes.
- That's not--no. We're not doing this.
This is my picture. What's your angle?
- I didn't create you.
I was just an excuse for a hack with stage fright
finally to try an open mic night.
[music fades] - Why are you saying this?
You're such a liar.
- You're a gimmick. You had all the cruelty.
You had all the malignant intentions,
all the sickness in your head before the chemicals.
The only thing that fall into the vat gave you
was an idea for a novelty act.
- No, no, no, no, no, no--
- That's not the origin story of a criminal mastermind.
That's the origin story of a costume.
- [laughs]
[ominous music] I get it.
We got a heckler.
Well, here's the squelch, chief.
I don't care what you say.
That screwy dip pickled my coconut, Batman,
and it was your fault!
I'm your creation. Everyone knows it.
- This is just not true, Joker.
This is the story you insist on living.
It is not reality.
- Oh, now you want me to bring reality into it,
Bat-man? [chuckles]
- I still don't know who you were before that night.
I may never know,
but I know this whole act is flim-flam.
- Oh, wait. Wait, wait,
is that--could that...
- Something terrible is pulling and tearing
inside the Joker's ravaged psyche.
It threatens to escape.
It is reality.
- You really believed it, didn't you?
That it was the chemicals that ruined your mind.
You have no way to discern your fictions
from reality, do you?
- Stick to the script, Batman.
Do not torture me with your talent show improv.
- That's how I'm going to beat you.
You have a diabolical mind, Joker,
but you're not exactly running the show, are you?
You just work there. - That's it, Batman.
I'm feeling absolutely no chemistry
between us tonight,
so let's see what we can do about that, huh?
[countdown beeping, explosion] - Ah!
- Suddenly, charges detonate underneath the catwalk.
[catwalk metal creaks] Before he can react,
Batman finds himself dangling from the wrecked structure
mere feet above a purple chemical maelstrom.
- [grunting]
- The Joker leers down at his helpless adversary.
- You know, I didn't want it to be this way, Batman.
But if I have to make you love me,
I'm prepared to do that. [grunting]
- Mercilessly, the clown hammers
at the dark knight's knuckles with a crowbar.
[crowbar thwacking] - [groaning]
- Fall, fall, fall, Batman!
Fall in love again for the very first time!
[siren wailing]
- [over loudspeaker] Joker, this is GCPD!
The factory is surrounded!
- You are completely killing the mood, fellas!
- You're done, Joker.
- I don't think so, Batman.
You may have stomped all over my heart tonight,
but let me tell ya,
there are plenty of fish in the sea,
and I'm gonna gut every last one of them!
[cackles]
[countdown beeping, explosion]
[glass shattering, people scream]
[echoing] - Stay calm, everyone.
[high-pitched ringing] Don't panic!
Stay...
[high-pitched ringing continues]
- "Life and Death in Gotham City" epilogue.
- What's the sitrep, Commissioner?
- Uh, no sign of the Joker. He made a clean getaway.
And this factory will have to be condemned for sure.
Well, at least we contained his poison.
And thanks to you, incredibly, none of the hostages
were hurt in the explosion.
You averted a tragedy tonight, Batman.
- I only postponed a tragedy as long as the Joker is at large.
Is everyone from the bus he hijacked accounted for then?
- Unfortunately, no.
Apparently, before you arrived,
the Joker executed one of the hostages,
pitched her off the catwalk into one of the vats.
- We have a witness--excuse me, ma'am.
- Uh, my name is Helen.
- You said you, uh, knew the victim?
- I sat next to her on the bus. She was new in town.
I just--I called her Central City
on account of she got on the bus in Central City,
but I don't know anything about her.
Maybe you can find out. This is her pocketbook.
I looked in it. Is that okay?
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine, ma'am.
- I just want to help.
Anyway, see for yourself.
Her name was Dr. Harleen Quinzel.
[eerie dynamic music]
- Meanwhile, down on the Gotham river embankment,
something emerges from a drainage pipe
in a gush of purple waste.
- [high-pitched laughing]
[singsongy] Mr. J,
Mr. J. [splashing softly]
Where is that beautiful man?
I've gotta find me that beautiful,
[deep voice] beautiful [normal voice] man!
[exhaling excitedly, laughing]
[suspenseful carnival music]
- "Life and Death in Gotham City"
to be continued.
♪ ♪
- [reversed audio]
[reversed audio continues]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
- "Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Fred Armisen, Rosario Dawson, Heidi Gardner, John Leguizamo,
Dennis McNicholas, Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers, Chris Parnell,
Paula Pell, Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, Paul Scheer,
Pete Schultz, Brent Spiner, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson,
Ray Wise, Anna Crowe, Erica Phillips, Tony Phillips.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements are
trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪