1 00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:03,671 - Blue Ribbon Content presents 2 00:00:03,755 --> 00:00:06,924 "Batman: The Audio Adventures." 3 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,971 [radio static] 4 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,224 - And now a message from Gotham City Mayor 5 00:00:15,308 --> 00:00:17,393 Hamilton Hill. 6 00:00:17,477 --> 00:00:20,855 [bottle clinks] - ♪ I've got the valentine ♪ 7 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:24,901 ♪ Sweet Gotham valentine ♪ 8 00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:27,236 How do, Gotham City? 9 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,531 Happy Valentine's Day! [chuckles] 10 00:00:30,615 --> 00:00:33,284 So let's see, I guess we're saying-- 11 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:34,869 let me see. [paper rustles] 12 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,662 Where is it--oh, okay. 13 00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:39,916 We got an official boil water advisory 14 00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:42,251 for the entire city of Gotham. 15 00:00:42,335 --> 00:00:46,631 The boil water advisory is due to a water main break? 16 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,341 Wha--water main break? 17 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:51,928 [snorts, laughing] Yeah, that's flimsy. 18 00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,387 You know, come on, guys. 19 00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:55,640 That just makes me look unimaginative, 20 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,683 you know, like I'm a bad liar. 21 00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,937 I'm a good liar, okay? But whatever, okay. 22 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:06,067 Water, boil water advisory 'cause of a water main break. 23 00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:09,654 Can you hear that out there? I'm winking. 24 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:13,032 You know, it's very quiet. It's making a noise. 25 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:16,953 I can hear it, but-- a water main break, wink, 26 00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:20,873 affecting the greater Gotham area, wink, 27 00:01:20,957 --> 00:01:24,627 not the terrorist clown that's been threatening us for a week, 28 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,796 wink! 29 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,673 Hey, that's just in case you can't hear it, 30 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:32,301 but, yeah, you know, it's just a little "squitch" noise, 31 00:01:32,385 --> 00:01:33,511 like a "squitch." 32 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,012 Might be too quiet. 33 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,681 I don't know how sensitive this microphone is. 34 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,641 Here, can you hear? Can you hear it? 35 00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,268 Hear that? No? 36 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:43,604 Eh, sue me, so-- [groans] 37 00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:45,314 In an abundance of caution, 38 00:01:45,398 --> 00:01:48,484 we advise citizens to boil their own water 39 00:01:48,568 --> 00:01:52,363 before they use, uh, or, or, or! 40 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,657 Going off the page here, here's another idea-r. 41 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,909 [popcorn popping] You could...you could, no, 42 00:01:56,993 --> 00:01:58,494 you know, not drink 43 00:01:58,578 --> 00:02:00,663 [hiccups] not drink the water. 44 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,790 So you know, I haven't had a drink of water 45 00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:05,543 in three days juuust to be on the safe side. 46 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,003 [chuckles] I got the announcement 47 00:02:07,086 --> 00:02:08,462 a little earlier than you folks, 48 00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,298 but anyway, remember... [bottle clinks] 49 00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:13,134 Always neat, folks, no rocks. [pouring liquid] 50 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:16,429 Okay? You can't trust the ice these days either. 51 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:17,889 But I, you know, 52 00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:21,017 I think the water in general might be...bogus. 53 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,436 So I can report that no [hiccups] 54 00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:26,188 [chuckles] no ill effects are happening 55 00:02:26,272 --> 00:02:27,773 right now after doing without. 56 00:02:27,857 --> 00:02:29,817 [microwave beeping] Quite the opposite, in fact. 57 00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:31,110 So, uh... 58 00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:33,237 [groans] Except I'd give my left cheek 59 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:34,822 for some pierogis right now. 60 00:02:34,906 --> 00:02:37,241 Hey! Hey, who wants some pierogies? 61 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,285 You know, maybe we call down to Dagmar's Diner 62 00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:42,038 for a big ol' mess of pierog--no! 63 00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:45,249 No, no, no, no, no, no, you need to stop drink-- 64 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:46,751 [static] 65 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,294 [smooth music] 66 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:52,590 - Gotham, the city of yesterday as eternal now. 67 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:56,677 Join us for a tale of "Life and Death in Gotham City." 68 00:02:56,761 --> 00:03:00,598 February 14th, Valentine's Day. 69 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,476 The Joker is ready to make a murderous comeback 70 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:06,395 with a sinister new terrorist spectacular 71 00:03:06,479 --> 00:03:09,065 he calls Dark Purple Dawn. 72 00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:12,234 But threatening to upstage the big event is Catwoman 73 00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:14,445 who has learned of the Joker's whereabouts 74 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,697 and rushes to warn the Batman. 75 00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:18,115 - Batman, come in. 76 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:20,743 Damn it, how can I have no bars? 77 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:22,495 - Meanwhile, another somewhat 78 00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:24,413 lesser celebrity criminal... [knocking] 79 00:03:24,497 --> 00:03:27,583 is beside himself with rage and envy. 80 00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:29,669 He pounds insistently on the door 81 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:32,338 of the dilapidated funhouse. [knocking] 82 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:35,424 Having lately hauled himself out of the Gotham river 83 00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:39,261 at Amusement Mile, the Riddler is damp and miserable. 84 00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:40,596 [knocking] 85 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,265 He has many reasons for his raging snit, 86 00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:46,602 not least a close scrape with GCPD SWAT 87 00:03:46,686 --> 00:03:49,397 and an unseasonable swim across Gotham Harbor 88 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,775 after diving off the deck of a foundered ocean liner, 89 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,860 but at present, his ire is focused 90 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:58,239 on the master of this house... [door creaks open] 91 00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,366 Who suddenly is standing in the doorway 92 00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:04,245 wearing a purple bathrobe and a bone-tired smile. 93 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:09,375 - Okay, Joker. - Ugh, you. 94 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:12,461 What do you-- - Riddle me this. 95 00:04:12,545 --> 00:04:15,631 - Oh, brother, why are you yelling? 96 00:04:15,715 --> 00:04:17,258 - You pick me out from the crowd 97 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:18,968 and give me a problem to solve. 98 00:04:19,051 --> 00:04:21,846 I scratch my head, and the solution comes to me 99 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,806 in a flash! 100 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:28,019 What am I, huh? What am I, huh? 101 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,938 - [sighing] Uh, what? - [groans] 102 00:04:31,022 --> 00:04:35,234 You pick me out from the-- - No, gah, I heard you. 103 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:40,531 I just--listen, can we-can we just do this another time? 104 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:43,701 Big day today, and I got eggs on the stove. 105 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:47,663 - [chuckling] Do you even know what a riddle is? 106 00:04:47,747 --> 00:04:52,293 - Okay, come on in, I guess. - Of course you don't. 107 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:54,503 It's all about jokes to you. 108 00:04:54,587 --> 00:04:58,924 A riddle, a riddle is a dishonest truth. 109 00:04:59,008 --> 00:05:02,386 A riddle is deceitful sincerity. 110 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:06,390 Can you even comprehend the elegance 111 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,184 of this paradox? 112 00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:11,312 Fundamentally, a riddle is a crime committed 113 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:15,107 upon an idea, ha! 114 00:05:15,191 --> 00:05:18,194 - Hold on, hold on, this is news to me. 115 00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:20,404 I gotta process this. 116 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:24,658 Are you telling me bowler hats are back in, Eddie? 117 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,827 - Oh, you-- - I don't think they are. 118 00:05:26,911 --> 00:05:30,122 - You are a vulgar hack! 119 00:05:30,206 --> 00:05:32,833 - Still, at least you're wearing clothes. 120 00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:36,003 Eh, that green bodysuit with the question marks 121 00:05:36,087 --> 00:05:37,379 from last year? 122 00:05:37,463 --> 00:05:40,091 We get it, Ed, you have a gym membership. 123 00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:45,596 - Why doesn't anyone see that I'm better than you? 124 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,099 - I...I don't know, Ed. 125 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:51,227 You're a hell of an entertainer, it's true. 126 00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:54,313 But we ain't exactly living in lean times 127 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:57,066 for entertainment options, savvy? 128 00:05:57,149 --> 00:06:01,946 - No, I'm an artist! Art is eternal! 129 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,656 - Well, people aren't. 130 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:07,493 I remind them of that, and they're grateful I guess. 131 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,578 Maybe it's that simple. 132 00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:12,623 - Blech! Twaddle, lame-o! 133 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,168 - Listen, if you're staying, find a seat where you can. 134 00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:17,670 Sorry about all the boxes. 135 00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:20,422 Lived here six months, still haven't unpacked. 136 00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:22,550 - Oh, I'll sit. 137 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:27,012 I'm not going anywhere until you answer my riddle. 138 00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:28,931 Ah, you're stumped, aren't you? 139 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,267 Admit it, admit it. - Oh, boy. 140 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:34,770 What was it again? - [sighing irritably] 141 00:06:34,854 --> 00:06:38,941 You pick me out from the crowd and give me a problem to solve. 142 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,609 I scratch my head, 143 00:06:40,693 --> 00:06:43,779 and the solution comes to me in a flash. 144 00:06:43,863 --> 00:06:45,906 What am I? 145 00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:49,285 - Okay, okay, uncle. Let's see. 146 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:54,790 You pick me out from the ba-ba-ba-ba... 147 00:06:54,874 --> 00:06:57,877 I'm no good at this. You know who is? 148 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,797 Milt, I think we should ask Milt. 149 00:07:01,881 --> 00:07:03,591 - What, what Milt? Milt? 150 00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,635 Who's-who's-who's Milt? - Hey, Milt. 151 00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:08,220 That box you're sitting on, Eddie, 152 00:07:08,304 --> 00:07:10,973 would you get up for a second? - What? 153 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:12,725 - [muffled] Coming, Mr. Joker. 154 00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:15,436 - Suddenly, there is a stirring inside the packing crate 155 00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:16,979 upon which the Riddler is sitting. 156 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,439 - Wha--[yelps] - He leaps off 157 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,024 as a balding and rumpled man 158 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,860 in a brown suit emerges from the box. 159 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,322 - Hi-ho, Mr. Joker. - Good night! 160 00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,741 - The man cocks a dull gray pistol. 161 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:31,160 - Get ready to die, little man. - What--huh? 162 00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:35,831 - Hey, whoa, easy there, Milt, easy, yeesh. 163 00:07:35,915 --> 00:07:39,418 Eddie, that's Milt. Milt, that's Eddie. 164 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,338 - [stammering] How long has he been-- 165 00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:45,090 - Is it finally my turn, Mr. Joker? 166 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:49,178 - Didn't I say just be patient, Milty old boy? 167 00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,597 [muffled chatter] - Dear, sweet faith, 168 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,892 do all these crates... 169 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,353 - As the Riddler looks around him wildly, 170 00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:59,521 can he hear breathing, coughing, 171 00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:03,025 murmuring in the many similar crates all around him? 172 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,903 His exceptional mind reels. 173 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,656 - Could you hear the riddle in there, Milt? 174 00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:10,407 - Oh, yes, Mr. Joker. 175 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:13,494 You pick me out from the crowd and give me a problem to solve. 176 00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:14,870 I scratch my head, 177 00:08:14,954 --> 00:08:16,789 and the solution comes to me in a flash. 178 00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:21,835 - What on God's greenest-- - The answer is a matchstick. 179 00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:25,756 - Milt says it's a matchstick. Is that right? 180 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,174 I don't get it. 181 00:08:27,258 --> 00:08:30,344 Oh. [chuckling] I get it. 182 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:35,057 I don't like it. - Who is this man? 183 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,393 - Who, Milt? I don't know. 184 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:40,312 Some accountant, I think. Doesn't matter. 185 00:08:40,396 --> 00:08:43,732 Point is, he didn't see where he fit, you know? 186 00:08:43,816 --> 00:08:47,236 Where he plugged into the old switchboard. 187 00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:49,905 He had the setup but not the punchline. 188 00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:55,577 People like him, they find me, and together we have a laugh. 189 00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:59,790 - What are they all doing in there? 190 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:04,670 - Right now, not a whole heck of a lot, honestly. 191 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:07,756 Waiting for instructions, but don't worry. 192 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,718 I'll find something for all of them to do 193 00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:14,763 today, next week, someday. [muffled sneezing, chatter] 194 00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:18,225 It's just like your matchstick gag, Eddie. 195 00:09:18,309 --> 00:09:20,311 I pick 'em out of the crowd, 196 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:23,022 and I give them problems to solve, 197 00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:26,191 but first I scratch their heads. 198 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,152 I scratch 'em good. 199 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:32,031 I scratch the itch they didn't know they had. 200 00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:36,118 Do you know how good that feels? 201 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:39,330 - Now do I shoot him, Mr. Joker? 202 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,415 - You wouldn't-- 203 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,293 - No, of course we wouldn't, Milt. 204 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,462 Don't you know who that is? 205 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:49,590 That's the artist of crime. 206 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:52,676 Let's show you out, Eddie. 207 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,887 [carnival music] Big, big day today. 208 00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,473 It's Valentine's Day. 209 00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,725 - Riddler blinks erratically as he tries 210 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:02,728 to compute this bewildering new data. 211 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:07,566 - This, um, what you're doing here, I've never-- 212 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,985 - Thanks for stopping by, Ed. 213 00:10:10,069 --> 00:10:12,654 Go dry off somewhere, okay? 214 00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:15,949 - This--this isn't crime. 215 00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:19,495 This is art. 216 00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:22,706 - Listen, Eddie. You're talented. 217 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:25,793 You don't deserve the names people call you. 218 00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,336 - What do people call me? 219 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:31,048 - But these are crazy times we're living through. 220 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,218 It's tough to hear, but maybe it's time 221 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:38,180 to think about whether your act is still relevant. 222 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:42,893 Does Gotham City really need a Riddler right now? 223 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:47,106 - Yeah, yeah, think, I-I gotta think. 224 00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:48,524 I-I just gotta think. 225 00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:51,068 - Okay, now, thanks for dropping in. 226 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,404 Happy Valentine's Day! 227 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:57,866 Oh, oh, don't drink the water at all later today. 228 00:10:57,950 --> 00:11:00,994 The boil water thing won't save anyone. 229 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:04,039 [whispering] Shh, top secret. 230 00:11:04,123 --> 00:11:07,793 Keep that one under your, uh, bowler hat. 231 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,711 [door shuts] 232 00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,880 [mysterious music] 233 00:11:11,964 --> 00:11:15,050 - The Riddler, suddenly alone in the Gotham gloom, 234 00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:18,512 staggers away to find a quiet place to think. 235 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,806 The subjects of his plaintive reflection 236 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,100 will include, but are not limited to, 237 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,602 art, philosophy, and existence 238 00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:29,731 as they impact "Life and Death in Gotham City." 239 00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:35,404 ♪ ♪ 240 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:39,575 [ominous music] 241 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:43,537 [line trilling] 242 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,122 - Thank you for calling Arkham Asylum 243 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,748 for the Criminally Insane, 244 00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:50,294 celebrating 150 years of quality mental care. 245 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:55,340 It has been--four--days since our last disciplinary lockdown. 246 00:11:55,424 --> 00:11:57,926 If this is a generalized psychiatric emergency, 247 00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,553 press one. 248 00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:02,598 If you think you are being mind-controlled by the Batman, 249 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:03,932 press two. 250 00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:07,019 If you think you are the Batman, press three. 251 00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:08,604 For all other-- [beep] 252 00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:10,314 If you know your party's extension-- 253 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,524 [buttons beeping] 254 00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:16,153 - Hi, please leave a message for Dr. Jeremiah Arkham, 255 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:20,115 and remember, a healthy mind is an asylum you take with you. 256 00:12:20,199 --> 00:12:21,325 [beep] 257 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,660 - Dr. Arkham, this is the Riddler. 258 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:26,497 I wish to negotiate the terms of my surrender. 259 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:27,831 I'm not... 260 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,167 [dejectedly] I'm not having fun anymore. 261 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,336 I will peacefully submit myself anew 262 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:35,297 to your quackish ministrations in exchange 263 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,383 for no less than the following: 264 00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:41,678 Item the first, a library of the classics 265 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:45,599 in the original Latin and Greek tastefully bound. 266 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:49,311 Next, a subscription to the "Gotham Review of Books." 267 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:53,315 You'll provide macrobiotic options in the cafeteria, 268 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,527 a television set tuned to Gotham City One, 269 00:12:56,610 --> 00:13:00,322 and a live chamber orchestra outside my cell 270 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:03,992 every Friday evening with strict instructions 271 00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:06,161 to play no Berlioz. 272 00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:11,375 These are the only terms I will accept, and further-- 273 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,211 - Please insert 10¢ for an additional three minutes. 274 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,672 - Okay, wait, wait, okay, okay, okay, okay. 275 00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:19,675 - Please insert 10¢ for an additional three minutes. 276 00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:23,095 - Okay, I heard you the first-- I don't have it. 277 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:26,181 Fine, listen, I'm broke, and I'm broke, 278 00:13:26,265 --> 00:13:30,310 and Batman said I could have a deck of cards! 279 00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:33,397 - Please insert 10¢ for an additional three minutes. 280 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:38,610 - He can't take that back! He can't take it back. 281 00:13:38,694 --> 00:13:40,571 He said it. He's a cop. 282 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,907 So I'll turn myself in for a deck of cards! 283 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,910 Just let me come home please, Dr. Arkham. 284 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,204 This town, this town, you have to be crazy 285 00:13:49,288 --> 00:13:51,915 to ever leave the insane asylum. 286 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,667 [mumbling incoherently] 287 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:58,880 [wailing] 288 00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:01,049 - Thank you for using Gotham Bell. 289 00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:03,010 Goodbye. [line disconnects] 290 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:07,055 [radio static] 291 00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:10,851 - ♪ In the dark purple dawn ♪ 292 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,603 ♪ When the sil-- ♪ 293 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,230 [radio static] 294 00:14:15,314 --> 00:14:18,400 [soft music to tune of "Dark Purple Dawn"] 295 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,152 ♪ ♪ 296 00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:22,404 [radio static] 297 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,574 [guitar music to tune of "Dark Purple Dawn"] 298 00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:27,993 ♪ ♪ 299 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,412 [radio static] 300 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,624 [jubilant piano music to tune of "Dark Purple Dawn"] 301 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,500 ♪ ♪ 302 00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:39,588 [radio static] 303 00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:44,760 [line trilling] 304 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:47,095 - Hi-de-ho, you've reached Helen and Stan. 305 00:14:47,179 --> 00:14:49,556 Say hi, Stan. No, it's just a message. 306 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,391 Say h-- All right, okay, Stan says hi. 307 00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:53,185 Anyway, leave a message at the beep. 308 00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,603 [beep] 309 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,021 - Hey, Stan, it's me. 310 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,148 I'm still on the bus, but I'm almost in-- 311 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,400 - Folks, we're about 14 miles from Gotham City, 312 00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:02,110 and that's our final stop. 313 00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:04,196 - [laughs] Yeah, I guess you heard that. 314 00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:06,365 All right, well, bus ride was great. 315 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,992 Made a friend, young gal from Central City, 316 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,786 starting a new life in Gotham. 317 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,788 Ah! Now, say hi to Stan, Central City. 318 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:14,373 Just say hi. It's just a message. 319 00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:16,166 Just say-- No, all right, okay, all right. 320 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,668 Well, Central City says hi, Stan. 321 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,920 She's coming to town to start a new job. 322 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:22,005 What is it, honey? You're a nurse, right? 323 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,174 No? No, all right, well, what's the difference? 324 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,135 Anyway, so excited to finally see Gotham City! 325 00:15:27,219 --> 00:15:29,805 Ah, I wish you were here, honey pie, but don't worry. 326 00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:31,473 I'll take lots of pictures, 327 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:34,184 and if I see one of those crazy Gotham super crimes 328 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,019 you like to ready about in the--ahh! 329 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,063 [tires squealing, brakes screech] 330 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:41,024 Stan, the bus almost rolled over, 331 00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,276 we stopped so fast. [sirens wailing, radio chatter] 332 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,655 Stan, Stan, you won't believe what I'm seeing right now. 333 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:50,867 It's a road block in the middle of the street. 334 00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:54,496 There's a grown man in a diaper! 335 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:58,083 Stan, he's shooting arrows at people willy-nilly! 336 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,836 Oh, Stan, you'd love it! [camera clicking] 337 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,046 Don't worry, I'm getting lots of pictures. 338 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:04,840 [horn honking] Listen! 339 00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:07,926 This enormous man is standing on top of a garbage truck 340 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,177 that's blocking the road, 341 00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:10,846 and he's firing arrows everywhere 342 00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:12,347 with a little tiny bow! 343 00:16:12,431 --> 00:16:14,850 And people outside are diving behind cars, and, 344 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:19,646 Stan, he's naked as a jaybird except for little angel wings. 345 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,232 And he got--what is that, Central City? 346 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:25,610 Oh, Central City says he's supposed to be Cupid! 347 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,530 I get it, today is Valen-- [radio chatter] 348 00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,908 [gasps] Oh, Stan, the cops are here. 349 00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:33,910 Oh, God, they're coming onboard the bus. 350 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,246 Talk about a wild town, Stan. 351 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,416 This cop has green hair! 352 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,001 What, Central City? 353 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,753 What do you mean--you don't think that's a cop? 354 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,296 [gunshots and screaming] 355 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,841 Oh, my God, what is going on? Oh, my God, Stan! 356 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:50,302 Stan, it's him! Oh! - [over loudspeaker] Hello, 357 00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,721 all you beautiful out-of-towners! 358 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:55,390 I love out-of-towners. 359 00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:59,060 They're some of my favorite...towners. 360 00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:02,939 What a day you picked to come to our fair Gotham City, 361 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,901 Valentine's Day. [people sobbing] 362 00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,653 Well, my name is the Joker, 363 00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:11,573 and I got a basket full of Valentines 364 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,950 for you lucky people today. 365 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:18,121 This is just like school where everybody gets one, 366 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,457 even the smelly kid. 367 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,084 Good news for you, sir, right? 368 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,170 Yeah, it's that cologne, sir. 369 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:28,632 How does the warning label on the bottle read exactly? 370 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,594 Anything about, "Use only in a well-ventilated area"? 371 00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:36,932 Is there a prominent skull and crossbones, by any chance? 372 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:40,101 [helicopter whirring] I kid the guy, but he reeks, 373 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:42,229 and it's from alcoholism. 374 00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:45,273 So what exactly does this Valentine's Day edition 375 00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:48,443 of the welcome wagon have for you good people today? 376 00:17:48,527 --> 00:17:52,364 Charlie, my man, pass the fruit basket over here. 377 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:56,493 Yummy-num, let me pass out the goodies. 378 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,954 [loudspeaker squeaks off] [distant screaming] 379 00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,581 Would you like some fresh fruit, ma'am? 380 00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:04,125 - Oh, no--I don't want--not me. 381 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:05,585 - Those are kumquats 382 00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:08,964 from Gotham's famous Kumquat District. 383 00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:11,091 Go ahead, take one. 384 00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:13,260 - [crying] I don't want it. I don't want it. 385 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,511 - Go on. 386 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,596 - Well, I mean, if it's mandatory, 387 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,265 I guess I'll take this little-- 388 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:21,101 [explosion, people scream] Ah! Oh, my God! 389 00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:23,228 - Oh, yes, that was a gag. 390 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:26,398 She found the exploding kumquat, and yes, 391 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:29,651 it blew her hand off, but joke over. 392 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,737 Let's get serious about this fruit. 393 00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:36,449 [people begging] It is fresh and delicious. 394 00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:40,036 Go ahead, take a kumquat, sir. - Oh, my God. 395 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,913 - They're very good. 396 00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:46,001 Famous Gotham Kumquat District. 397 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:49,004 Oh, don't be a scaredy. 398 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,256 Choose any one you-- [explosion, person screams] 399 00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:54,676 Yes, okay, yes, that one blew up, too. 400 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:58,763 Oh, boy, I got a lot more kumquats to pass out, 401 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:01,766 and my credibility is shot now, isn't it? 402 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,019 Okay, busted. 403 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:07,689 Most of the kumquats explode. 404 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,691 I swear it wasn't the plan. 405 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:12,444 I really did just have one exploding kumquat 406 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,030 in there at first, but then I figured 407 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,990 two would be pretty funny. 408 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:21,202 Then of course, everyone knows comedy works in threes. 409 00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,913 Before you know it, 410 00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:27,083 I'm sitting on a classic overkill situation. 411 00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:30,045 The smelly guy knows what I'm talking about, right, 412 00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:32,714 you human puddle of rock-bottom? 413 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:37,010 By the way, we don't have a Kumquat District in Gotham. 414 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:40,013 I knew that was not a buy, but I couldn't resist. 415 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:43,225 For a hack like me, a funny word like kumquat 416 00:19:43,308 --> 00:19:45,435 is such a low-hanging fruit. 417 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,104 [chuckles] See what I did there? 418 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:51,566 But seriously, if I'm honest, top to bottom regrets 419 00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:54,110 on this whole fruit basket bit. 420 00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:57,572 One exploding banana would've sold the gag, Joker, 421 00:19:57,656 --> 00:19:59,574 you mug, but you got greedy! 422 00:19:59,658 --> 00:20:03,620 Anywho, I'm not worried about winning you back, folks, 423 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,914 'cause that ain't even the warm-up act. 424 00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,917 Charlie, music! [upbeat music plays] 425 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,254 You're all VIP guests at the premiere performance 426 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,255 of my new romantic comedy. 427 00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:17,217 It's called "Dark Purple Dawn," and folks, 428 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:21,596 I promise you will split your sides laughing. 429 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,056 And if you don't, 430 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:26,059 then I will personally split them for ya. 431 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,770 That's the Joker guarantee. 432 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,815 - Stan, you have to call the cops, the real cops. 433 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,775 I-I'm-- - No. 434 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:36,069 No, I'm sorry, please. 435 00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:39,447 Silence all cell phones during the performance, toots. 436 00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:42,283 It's called upholding the social contract. 437 00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,910 Give me that. 438 00:20:43,994 --> 00:20:45,120 Hello, Floyd. 439 00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:47,622 Yeah, Aunt Bee can't talk right now. 440 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:50,250 She's canning peaches with Goober. 441 00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:51,626 I know how that sounds, 442 00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:53,294 but keep your mind out of the gutter. 443 00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:56,798 This is a family show. Tell your friends about it. 444 00:20:56,881 --> 00:21:02,220 In this one, everybody falls in love in the end. 445 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:08,435 [laughs maniacally] 446 00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,981 [news theme music] 447 00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:16,818 - ♪ Gotham City One ♪ 448 00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,319 - Good evening, Gothamites. 449 00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:20,697 This is Jack Ryder live for Gotham City One. 450 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,824 As evening approaches on this Valentine's Day, 451 00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:26,077 the city is beset by anxiety over the Joker's vague threats 452 00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:28,496 of an event he's calling Dark Purple Dawn. 453 00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:30,999 The GCPD has refused to speculate 454 00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,417 on what Dark Purple Dawn is, 455 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,294 but urged the public to remain calm, 456 00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:36,004 go about their business normally, 457 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:37,547 and have on hand three weeks' worth 458 00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,507 of potable water and canned food. 459 00:21:39,591 --> 00:21:41,968 Just a moment ago, I was able to reach Commissioner Gordon, 460 00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:43,553 and he had this to say. [beep] 461 00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:45,430 - Please, please, please, make way. 462 00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:46,890 - Commissioner! 463 00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:48,683 The Joker has been taunting the city for days. 464 00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,351 How serious is the threat? 465 00:21:50,435 --> 00:21:53,188 - How serious? Joker serious. 466 00:21:53,271 --> 00:21:54,981 Now, no further comment at this time. 467 00:21:55,065 --> 00:21:56,691 [beep] - Incredibly, there are 468 00:21:56,775 --> 00:21:59,319 Gothamites who are not hiding in their homes tonight, 469 00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:00,945 Gotham's young people. 470 00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:03,740 A growing crowd of teenage Joker fans are gathering 471 00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:06,534 near the derelict funfair at Amusement Mile 472 00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:09,788 in eager expectation of a personalized valentine 473 00:22:09,871 --> 00:22:11,289 from the clown prince of crime. 474 00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:13,875 Um, yes, excuse me, Jack Ryder, Gotham City One. 475 00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:16,878 Are you actually out here in support of the Joker? 476 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,798 - Yeah, man. Joker's cool, man. 477 00:22:19,881 --> 00:22:21,591 - He's just living his truth. 478 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,384 - Yeah, well, o--well, the truth is, 479 00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:26,304 he's a mass murderer and a malignant psychopath. 480 00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,765 - I know, right? Poor guy. 481 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:31,351 Well, you can thank the Batpig for that. 482 00:22:31,434 --> 00:22:34,437 - Yeah, like, I heard Joker was just some basic crook 483 00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:37,357 before Batman pitched him into the crazy juice. 484 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,401 - Yeah, man, if the Joker's a little cracked, man, 485 00:22:40,485 --> 00:22:43,822 it's the Batman who dropped him on the concrete, man. 486 00:22:43,905 --> 00:22:45,782 Don't hassle the Joker! 487 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:49,702 - You think arresting the Joker for murder is hassling him? 488 00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:53,915 - Like, you squares can't even handle Joker, man. 489 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:56,126 You have such predictable lives. 490 00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:59,295 You're just a monkey in the zoo, Jack Ryder. 491 00:22:59,379 --> 00:23:01,047 - Joker is free, 492 00:23:01,131 --> 00:23:02,924 corporate puppet man. [crowd chatter] 493 00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:05,510 [dark music] - Joker is the unexpected, man. 494 00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:08,096 I'm all about the unexpected, Dad. 495 00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:11,099 The unexpected is my bag, man. 496 00:23:11,182 --> 00:23:14,102 Bring on the unexpect--ahh! [tiger growls] 497 00:23:14,185 --> 00:23:16,479 - Okay, heaven, someone help this kid. 498 00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:18,148 A tiger is eating his face off. 499 00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,774 - Mickey, get the cam-- 500 00:23:19,858 --> 00:23:22,110 Folks, there are a pair of tigers loose in the park. 501 00:23:22,193 --> 00:23:24,445 Where-where did they-- it's pandemonium! 502 00:23:24,529 --> 00:23:28,241 Stay tuned for more as it develops on Gotham City One. 503 00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:31,161 [smooth music] 504 00:23:31,244 --> 00:23:34,956 - Gotham, a thick cut of urban decay 505 00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:37,083 sliced parallel to the bone. 506 00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:38,918 Join us now for another tale 507 00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:41,921 of "Life and Death in Gotham City." 508 00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:44,382 ♪ ♪ 509 00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:47,635 The Gotham elevated train system, 510 00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:51,347 a locomotive labyrinth high above the city streets. 511 00:23:51,431 --> 00:23:53,725 Catwoman is perched upon the lead car 512 00:23:53,808 --> 00:23:55,602 of a speeding uptown nine. 513 00:23:55,685 --> 00:23:57,395 She is in the stunned aftermath 514 00:23:57,478 --> 00:23:59,314 of her discoveries at Ace Chemical, 515 00:23:59,397 --> 00:24:01,482 but she still has wit sufficient to try 516 00:24:01,566 --> 00:24:04,611 to warn the dark knight about the imminent danger. 517 00:24:04,694 --> 00:24:08,323 - Batman, come in. Damn it, where is he? 518 00:24:08,406 --> 00:24:11,201 - Riding atop the thundering electric carriages, 519 00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:13,036 Catwoman can get from Ace Chemical 520 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:16,080 to GCPD headquarters in eight minutes flat, 521 00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:19,083 assuming the routine track fires in derailments. 522 00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,169 But before she's covered half the distance, 523 00:24:21,252 --> 00:24:24,964 and urgent dispatch overheard on police band radio. 524 00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:27,717 - 2-Adam-1, what's your exact 926? 525 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,260 - Tigers! 526 00:24:29,344 --> 00:24:32,180 A pair of them running wild down at the abandoned zoo! 527 00:24:32,263 --> 00:24:35,183 Requesting permission to use lethal force. 528 00:24:35,266 --> 00:24:37,060 - Copy that, 2-Adam-1. 529 00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:38,686 - Over my dead body. 530 00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:40,563 - Catwoman suddenly leaps to a train 531 00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:42,440 traveling the opposite direction, 532 00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:45,818 and soon she is speeding towards home. 533 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:48,363 As Downtown Nine barrels around the corner 534 00:24:48,446 --> 00:24:50,949 and through the shuttered Zoological Park Station, 535 00:24:51,032 --> 00:24:55,411 Catwoman is once again airborne and in freefall, 536 00:24:55,495 --> 00:24:58,206 landing with grace in the midst of a crowd 537 00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:01,042 seizing with panic and fear. 538 00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:03,544 Her two giant pets are running rampant 539 00:25:03,628 --> 00:25:05,588 through the city streets. 540 00:25:05,672 --> 00:25:08,299 - Dagger, Shank, stop it! 541 00:25:08,383 --> 00:25:10,385 What has gotten into--ahh! 542 00:25:10,468 --> 00:25:12,971 - But they pay no heed to their mistress's voice. 543 00:25:13,054 --> 00:25:15,765 They are crazed, inconsolable. 544 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:18,351 Primal terror flashes in the deep jade 545 00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:19,894 of their luminous eyes. 546 00:25:19,978 --> 00:25:21,896 It soon becomes sickeningly clear 547 00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:24,732 why her friends suffer so. [electricity crackles] 548 00:25:24,816 --> 00:25:26,901 Fitted tightly around their brawny necks are 549 00:25:26,985 --> 00:25:28,820 heavy electroshock collars. 550 00:25:28,903 --> 00:25:32,490 With a malicious crackle, they shoot excruciating voltage 551 00:25:32,573 --> 00:25:34,409 through the terrified beasts. 552 00:25:34,492 --> 00:25:38,246 Senseless with agony and rage, the massive creatures lash out 553 00:25:38,329 --> 00:25:40,873 at any who cross their tortured path. 554 00:25:40,957 --> 00:25:43,334 - Don't worry, darlings. I'm here. 555 00:25:43,418 --> 00:25:45,420 And whoever did this to you will pay. 556 00:25:45,503 --> 00:25:47,755 - [laughs] I do not think so, 557 00:25:47,839 --> 00:25:49,424 chicky baby. [blade slices] 558 00:25:49,507 --> 00:25:51,592 - A shadow falls athwart the scene. 559 00:25:51,676 --> 00:25:54,262 It is pierced by a flash of cold steel. 560 00:25:54,345 --> 00:25:56,848 - I think I paid enough already. 561 00:25:56,931 --> 00:26:00,476 I come for a full refund. [laughs] 562 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,188 - Standing over Catwoman with his blasphemous blade held high 563 00:26:04,272 --> 00:26:08,151 is the deranged husk that once was King Scimitar. 564 00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:11,821 His eyes blaze as the toxin in his veins bloom 565 00:26:11,904 --> 00:26:15,616 into a dark purple fog in his brain. 566 00:26:15,700 --> 00:26:18,619 - You think you are so smarty-pants, kitty-cat, huh? 567 00:26:18,703 --> 00:26:20,830 You think you leave me with nothing? 568 00:26:20,913 --> 00:26:24,959 Ha, no, you leave me with only things, 569 00:26:25,043 --> 00:26:29,464 fire burning in my belly and swords singing in my hand. 570 00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:31,341 What? What, my queen? 571 00:26:31,424 --> 00:26:34,469 Beautiful? Yes, my precious love. 572 00:26:34,552 --> 00:26:38,765 It finally is time to cut the Cat. 573 00:26:38,848 --> 00:26:40,641 [chuckles, grunts] 574 00:26:40,725 --> 00:26:43,686 - King Scimitar lurches at the object of his rage. 575 00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:46,022 His mighty blade gouges the asphalt 576 00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:48,191 as Catwoman rolls clear of the blow. 577 00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:51,069 Her eyes narrow as she snarls. 578 00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:53,738 - You gutter rat, you hurt my cats. 579 00:26:53,821 --> 00:26:57,075 You're gonna wish you left town when that was an option. 580 00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:58,826 - Oh, I do not think so. 581 00:26:58,910 --> 00:27:02,121 You see, I gonna be king again, Cat. 582 00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:05,833 I gonna reign a thousand years with my queen. 583 00:27:05,917 --> 00:27:09,504 The gutless gonna grovel while King Scimitar 584 00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:13,466 gonna eat up all the fat, mmm. 585 00:27:13,549 --> 00:27:16,803 When King Scimitar carve up the carcass, 586 00:27:16,886 --> 00:27:20,098 milk and honey gonna flow like foaming rivers 587 00:27:20,181 --> 00:27:22,475 of blood in these streets. 588 00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:24,227 - That barely makes sense, 589 00:27:24,310 --> 00:27:26,562 and yet it's just so disgusting. 590 00:27:26,646 --> 00:27:28,064 [both grunt] 591 00:27:28,147 --> 00:27:31,192 You made a big mistake, you hateful moron. 592 00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:32,860 - [grunts] [blade slices] 593 00:27:32,944 --> 00:27:35,238 - You could have done what you wanted to me, 594 00:27:35,321 --> 00:27:38,741 my hideout, my loot. - [grunting] 595 00:27:38,825 --> 00:27:41,160 - But you went after my girls. 596 00:27:41,244 --> 00:27:43,121 And I am a very... 597 00:27:43,204 --> 00:27:46,874 [blows landing] freaking...serious... 598 00:27:46,958 --> 00:27:48,126 cat person. 599 00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:50,461 [grunts, blows landing] 600 00:27:50,545 --> 00:27:53,089 - In truth, the heavily intoxicated zealot 601 00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:56,175 never stood a chance against Catwoman's nimble fury. 602 00:27:56,259 --> 00:27:58,302 With flashing paws and a series 603 00:27:58,386 --> 00:28:00,096 of vicious kicks to the midsection, 604 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:02,890 the malicious monarch is disarmed, 605 00:28:02,974 --> 00:28:07,061 and the dreadful weapon clatters down a storm drain. 606 00:28:07,145 --> 00:28:10,064 - No, my queen! [exhaling] 607 00:28:10,148 --> 00:28:12,775 No, my beloved! 608 00:28:12,859 --> 00:28:15,403 You will not win, Cat! 609 00:28:15,486 --> 00:28:18,906 - Come on, you sick maniac. I already did. 610 00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:20,992 You lose again. 611 00:28:21,075 --> 00:28:22,702 You ain't got your stupid sword. 612 00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:24,412 You got nothing. 613 00:28:24,495 --> 00:28:26,622 - You are wrong, you wretched stray. 614 00:28:26,706 --> 00:28:28,958 I have this. [device beeping] 615 00:28:29,041 --> 00:28:32,003 Yes, is remote for shock collars. 616 00:28:32,086 --> 00:28:35,423 Only this button is detonator. - No! 617 00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:38,593 - Indeed, Catwoman can now see the collars 618 00:28:38,676 --> 00:28:40,803 on her exhausted pets are armed 619 00:28:40,887 --> 00:28:43,723 with heavy yield cordite charges. 620 00:28:43,806 --> 00:28:47,602 - I lose sword, tigers lose heads! 621 00:28:47,685 --> 00:28:49,729 King Scimitar wins. 622 00:28:49,812 --> 00:28:51,981 - Catwoman doesn't see a good option, 623 00:28:52,064 --> 00:28:54,275 so she takes the only option. 624 00:28:54,358 --> 00:28:57,278 - Please don't. I'm begging you. 625 00:28:57,361 --> 00:29:00,907 - The madman's face explodes with mirth. 626 00:29:00,990 --> 00:29:04,785 - [laughs] You are begging me, yes! 627 00:29:04,869 --> 00:29:09,415 Beg, beg your king, beg! 628 00:29:09,499 --> 00:29:11,626 - Please don't do it. They're innocent creatures. 629 00:29:11,709 --> 00:29:13,044 They-- - Oh! 630 00:29:13,127 --> 00:29:15,963 Deedly, deedly, oh, dee-dee-dee-dee. 631 00:29:16,047 --> 00:29:17,340 You see what I am doing? 632 00:29:17,423 --> 00:29:20,009 I am making a tiny violin with my fingers. 633 00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:21,552 I'm so sad for you. 634 00:29:21,636 --> 00:29:25,890 - Your majesty, King Scimitar, take it out on me. 635 00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:28,100 Don't hurt the-- - Oh, boo-hoo. 636 00:29:28,184 --> 00:29:30,102 I play louder. Dee-dee-dee-dee. 637 00:29:30,186 --> 00:29:31,771 Dee, dee, dee, dee--twank! 638 00:29:31,854 --> 00:29:33,856 Oh, look what you made me do. 639 00:29:33,940 --> 00:29:38,611 I broke a string, a tiny string on a tiny violin. 640 00:29:38,694 --> 00:29:41,197 Now, where in this time of night 641 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:45,409 am I going to find some fresh cut gut, huh? 642 00:29:45,493 --> 00:29:46,994 [cackles] 643 00:29:47,078 --> 00:29:49,997 - But just as his thumb comes down upon the detonator... 644 00:29:50,081 --> 00:29:53,084 [wire whistling] - Ahh! 645 00:29:53,167 --> 00:29:55,336 - He's hauled feet-first into the air 646 00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:56,963 by means of a heavy cable. 647 00:29:57,046 --> 00:29:59,840 The detonator falls harmlessly to the pavement 648 00:29:59,924 --> 00:30:04,512 as King Scimitar finds himself dangling from a lamppost. 649 00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:05,930 - Batman. 650 00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:08,432 - Your tigers are going to be fine, Catwoman. 651 00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:10,851 I have just given them a sedative. 652 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:12,270 You'll be able to remove the collars 653 00:30:12,353 --> 00:30:14,063 without further injury. 654 00:30:14,146 --> 00:30:15,815 - Where have you been? 655 00:30:15,898 --> 00:30:19,402 - Joker ambushed a busload of tourists outside town. 656 00:30:19,485 --> 00:30:21,737 He got away while I was distracted with-- 657 00:30:21,821 --> 00:30:22,905 - You know what? I don't care. 658 00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:24,282 You've gotta get out of here. 659 00:30:24,365 --> 00:30:25,741 - That's a fairly immature response 660 00:30:25,825 --> 00:30:27,535 to my assistance, Catwoman. 661 00:30:27,618 --> 00:30:29,620 - No, you ridiculous man, 662 00:30:29,704 --> 00:30:31,581 you have to get down to the waterfront. 663 00:30:31,664 --> 00:30:33,332 I was just on my way to tell you. 664 00:30:33,416 --> 00:30:35,876 Joker's working out of an Ace lab by the cannery. 665 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:37,086 - What? 666 00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:38,588 - There's apparently a decommissioned 667 00:30:38,671 --> 00:30:39,964 Ace Chemical lab. 668 00:30:40,047 --> 00:30:41,716 - No, of course I know about that facility, 669 00:30:41,799 --> 00:30:43,467 113 Pearl at Front Street, 670 00:30:43,551 --> 00:30:46,554 but it's regularly serviced by an Ace security subsidiary. 671 00:30:46,637 --> 00:30:48,931 It shouldn't-- - There's more to the story. 672 00:30:49,015 --> 00:30:52,393 It can wait. Trust me, he's there. 673 00:30:52,476 --> 00:30:55,896 - With a grim scowl that will have to pass for gratitude, 674 00:30:55,980 --> 00:30:57,815 the dark knight makes to disappear 675 00:30:57,898 --> 00:30:59,567 into the shifting shadows. 676 00:30:59,650 --> 00:31:02,987 - Wait, I'll help. - No, you won't. 677 00:31:03,070 --> 00:31:05,990 You need to take care of your tigers. 678 00:31:06,073 --> 00:31:09,243 - Give me two minutes. - I'm sorry, Catwoman. 679 00:31:09,327 --> 00:31:10,870 I'd like to have you by my side, 680 00:31:10,953 --> 00:31:12,955 but I can't have civilians interfering 681 00:31:13,039 --> 00:31:14,707 with a law enforcement operation. 682 00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:17,793 - What? Do you really think you can put up police tape, 683 00:31:17,877 --> 00:31:19,962 and I'll stay on the other side? 684 00:31:20,046 --> 00:31:21,922 You used to be cool. 685 00:31:22,006 --> 00:31:24,634 - There could be hundreds of lives at stake, Catwoman. 686 00:31:24,717 --> 00:31:27,553 I have a duty to the city, an official duty, 687 00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:30,848 and involving you would be a dangerous dereliction of it. 688 00:31:30,931 --> 00:31:33,392 Call it a night. - What? 689 00:31:33,476 --> 00:31:37,438 Now, did you just "return to your homes" me? 690 00:31:37,521 --> 00:31:38,939 I do not believe it. 691 00:31:39,023 --> 00:31:41,651 - You can't walk the line forever, Catwoman. 692 00:31:41,734 --> 00:31:44,945 And I can't keep excusing your unlawful activity. 693 00:31:45,029 --> 00:31:47,615 Sooner or later, you'll have to choose a side. 694 00:31:47,698 --> 00:31:49,492 I hope you end up on mine, 695 00:31:49,575 --> 00:31:52,203 not just because it's the right thing to do, 696 00:31:52,286 --> 00:31:53,788 but because you know what will happen 697 00:31:53,871 --> 00:31:55,706 if I decide I have to come for you. 698 00:31:55,790 --> 00:31:57,833 - Watch it, Batman. 699 00:31:57,917 --> 00:31:59,293 You come for me, 700 00:31:59,377 --> 00:32:03,714 and you're gonna see why I hold my own in this town. 701 00:32:03,798 --> 00:32:05,299 - Their gazes meet, 702 00:32:05,383 --> 00:32:08,844 an irresistible force meeting an immovable object, 703 00:32:08,928 --> 00:32:11,514 that catastrophic collision of quintessences 704 00:32:11,597 --> 00:32:14,141 that gives birth to both love and hate. 705 00:32:14,225 --> 00:32:16,602 And without another word between them, 706 00:32:16,686 --> 00:32:18,229 Catwoman is alone. 707 00:32:18,312 --> 00:32:21,524 - Well, maybe it's true what they say, 708 00:32:21,607 --> 00:32:24,652 staying friends never works. 709 00:32:24,735 --> 00:32:27,321 [smooth music] 710 00:32:27,405 --> 00:32:30,032 - Catwoman tends to her grateful pets 711 00:32:30,116 --> 00:32:32,451 as ideas for moving on with her life 712 00:32:32,535 --> 00:32:34,412 begin to take devious form. 713 00:32:34,495 --> 00:32:38,416 After all, the jungle is wherever the tiger takes it. 714 00:32:38,499 --> 00:32:40,167 It's a common maxim 715 00:32:40,251 --> 00:32:43,003 of "Life and Death in Gotham City." 716 00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:48,092 ♪ ♪ 717 00:32:50,302 --> 00:32:52,847 [news theme music] 718 00:32:52,930 --> 00:32:56,350 - ♪ Gotham City One ♪ 719 00:32:56,434 --> 00:32:58,602 - This is Jack Ryder returning to you live 720 00:32:58,686 --> 00:33:01,188 from Amusement Mile where a pair of Bengal tigers 721 00:33:01,272 --> 00:33:03,232 were successfully subdued by-- 722 00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:05,693 [static] 723 00:33:05,776 --> 00:33:07,194 [jubilant music] - [laughs] 724 00:33:07,278 --> 00:33:09,530 We interrupt our regularly scheduled program 725 00:33:09,613 --> 00:33:13,033 to bring you a star-studded Joker special! 726 00:33:13,117 --> 00:33:14,535 - ♪ Love the Joker ♪ 727 00:33:14,618 --> 00:33:17,037 - I'm so freaking happy right now. 728 00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:19,707 ♪ ♪ 729 00:33:19,790 --> 00:33:22,460 - Live from an abandoned Ace Chemical facility 730 00:33:22,543 --> 00:33:24,128 in the historic Cannery District 731 00:33:24,211 --> 00:33:27,882 on a catwalk high above several gigantic bubbling vats 732 00:33:27,965 --> 00:33:29,550 of toxic purple swill, 733 00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:33,220 it's the red carpet coverage at the world premiere 734 00:33:33,304 --> 00:33:37,183 of "Dark Purple Dawn"! 735 00:33:37,266 --> 00:33:39,560 - ♪ It's a red carpet show ♪ 736 00:33:39,643 --> 00:33:42,646 ♪ Let's go yack with some schmoes ♪ 737 00:33:42,730 --> 00:33:44,732 ♪ It will help kill the time ♪ 738 00:33:44,815 --> 00:33:48,360 ♪ 'Cause life is so very long ♪ 739 00:33:48,444 --> 00:33:50,529 ♪ When you're dead inside ♪ 740 00:33:50,613 --> 00:33:53,157 - Good evening, Gotham City, such a special night. 741 00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,242 I'm Charlie Charliehorse coming to you 742 00:33:55,326 --> 00:33:58,287 from the all-star premiere of the Joker's new spectacular, 743 00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:00,748 "Dark Purple Dawn." Let me tell you, folks, 744 00:34:00,831 --> 00:34:02,625 it looks like someone spilled the Milky Way 745 00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:04,752 on the catwalk tonight because the stars 746 00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:07,254 are all over this dang joint. [wind howling] 747 00:34:07,338 --> 00:34:09,090 Well, here's the duke of juke himself, 748 00:34:09,173 --> 00:34:10,758 Mr. Stoveplate Sullivan. 749 00:34:10,841 --> 00:34:12,885 Can we have a moment, Stoveplate? 750 00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:14,678 - What-what, me? 751 00:34:14,762 --> 00:34:16,889 - Well, I don't see any other dancehall legends 752 00:34:16,972 --> 00:34:19,058 on this catwalk, do I, Stoveplate? 753 00:34:19,141 --> 00:34:22,144 - I told you on the bus, my name is Herman Vanderford. 754 00:34:22,228 --> 00:34:24,021 I don't know what any of this-- 755 00:34:24,104 --> 00:34:27,191 - So those are some snazzy threads, Stoveplate. 756 00:34:27,274 --> 00:34:29,443 Tell us, who are you wearing tonight? 757 00:34:29,527 --> 00:34:33,155 - What--I'm wearing the tuxedo you made me put on at gunpoint. 758 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:34,949 Please, I just want to cooperate. 759 00:34:35,032 --> 00:34:37,076 - [chuckling] Well, then have a great time tonight 760 00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:40,079 and learn while you laugh. That's all the Joker ever asks. 761 00:34:40,162 --> 00:34:42,081 Well, who is this just arriving? 762 00:34:42,164 --> 00:34:44,875 It's none other than the songstress of sadness, 763 00:34:44,959 --> 00:34:48,462 Miss "Dark Purple Dawn" herself, Violet Bump. 764 00:34:48,546 --> 00:34:50,673 How are you tonight, Miss Vi? [dark music] 765 00:34:50,756 --> 00:34:53,300 - H-Helen, my name is Helen. 766 00:34:53,384 --> 00:34:55,135 I have to call my husband, S-Stan. 767 00:34:55,219 --> 00:34:57,638 - Looking great, Miss Bump, a vision in violet. 768 00:34:57,721 --> 00:35:00,140 Who are you wearing tonight? - I don't know. 769 00:35:00,224 --> 00:35:03,310 This dress isn't mine, and there's blood on it. 770 00:35:03,394 --> 00:35:04,687 - Hold that thought, Miss Violet, 771 00:35:04,770 --> 00:35:06,772 because he has arrived. 772 00:35:06,856 --> 00:35:08,524 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 773 00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:11,735 the françois true foe of Batman's true foes. 774 00:35:11,819 --> 00:35:13,153 He's your comic relief, 775 00:35:13,237 --> 00:35:15,906 and he's here to relieve himself all over you. 776 00:35:15,990 --> 00:35:19,159 It's the man of the hour, the Joker! 777 00:35:19,243 --> 00:35:21,871 [applause track plays, upbeat music] 778 00:35:21,954 --> 00:35:23,581 - Well, good evening, Charlie. 779 00:35:23,664 --> 00:35:26,500 Don't you look good in a monkey suit. 780 00:35:26,584 --> 00:35:28,002 - [chuckles] Maybe so. 781 00:35:28,085 --> 00:35:29,670 But it is no contest 782 00:35:29,753 --> 00:35:32,047 who's got the flashiest glad rags in the joint. 783 00:35:32,131 --> 00:35:34,675 Mr. J, tell us, who are you wearing tonight? 784 00:35:34,758 --> 00:35:39,179 - Well, the suit is Hugo Voss, the vest is Yves Saint Laurent, 785 00:35:39,263 --> 00:35:42,016 and the shoes are Dr. Carmichael. 786 00:35:42,099 --> 00:35:44,768 He was a mediocre psychiatrist, but let me tell you, 787 00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:47,688 he's a fantastic pair of loafers. 788 00:35:47,771 --> 00:35:50,024 - Ha-ha, outstanding. 789 00:35:50,107 --> 00:35:53,319 Now, "Dark Purple Dawn" is something new for you. 790 00:35:53,402 --> 00:35:57,197 - That's right, Charlie. It's a love story. 791 00:35:57,281 --> 00:35:59,116 - You're most known for your work 792 00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:00,910 in the neurotoxin genre. 793 00:36:00,993 --> 00:36:02,953 Now, why change it up? 794 00:36:03,037 --> 00:36:07,541 - Well, you know, I've always loved the romance. 795 00:36:07,625 --> 00:36:10,586 [waves lapping] Boy meets girl. 796 00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:14,173 The moment when infatuation turns to yearning, 797 00:36:14,256 --> 00:36:18,969 turns to homicidal obsession, turns to restraining orders. 798 00:36:19,053 --> 00:36:21,013 Plus, I don't care who you are. 799 00:36:21,096 --> 00:36:24,141 Spritzing some ding-a-ling with drugs that'll knock him 800 00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:26,352 head over heels in love with a car, 801 00:36:26,435 --> 00:36:28,896 or a hamster, or his wife's neighbor, 802 00:36:28,979 --> 00:36:30,898 or whatever happens to be on his mind 803 00:36:30,981 --> 00:36:33,776 is classic screwball. 804 00:36:33,859 --> 00:36:36,904 - Some are saying it might be your finest work, Mr. J. 805 00:36:36,987 --> 00:36:39,073 - Well, thanks, Charlie, 806 00:36:39,156 --> 00:36:41,784 but let's not forget what it's all about. 807 00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:44,411 Sure, a lot of people are gonna die tonight, 808 00:36:44,495 --> 00:36:46,372 and that's fun. [eerie delicate music] 809 00:36:46,455 --> 00:36:48,999 But we can't let it overshadow the real reason 810 00:36:49,083 --> 00:36:51,585 we work in this crazy business. 811 00:36:51,669 --> 00:36:54,755 We do it for the fans, eh? 812 00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:56,298 Here's one now. 813 00:36:56,382 --> 00:36:58,676 Hiya, toots! - What are you doing? 814 00:36:58,759 --> 00:37:02,763 Let go, you creep! - What's your name, tomato? 815 00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:07,393 - I'm Ms. Beeswax, Jackson, as in none of yours. 816 00:37:07,476 --> 00:37:11,271 - I--what? Okay, that is rude. 817 00:37:11,355 --> 00:37:13,857 But it is just stuffed with personality, 818 00:37:13,941 --> 00:37:16,318 so I'm gonna ask you one more time. 819 00:37:16,402 --> 00:37:18,696 What's your real name, blondie? 820 00:37:18,779 --> 00:37:21,490 - Why should I tell you mine if you won't tell me yours, 821 00:37:21,573 --> 00:37:23,075 Mr. J-- - That's it. 822 00:37:23,158 --> 00:37:24,618 I've had enough of you. - Put me down! Put me-- 823 00:37:24,702 --> 00:37:25,953 - [grunts] [people exclaim] 824 00:37:26,036 --> 00:37:28,205 [heaving grunt] - Ahh! 825 00:37:28,288 --> 00:37:29,790 [splash] 826 00:37:29,873 --> 00:37:32,167 - Boy, she sunk like a rock, 827 00:37:32,251 --> 00:37:33,711 didn't she? [people weeping] 828 00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:35,504 You know, there's always a protester 829 00:37:35,587 --> 00:37:38,757 at these things these days. Mm. 830 00:37:38,841 --> 00:37:41,927 It's a depressing sign of our times. 831 00:37:42,011 --> 00:37:44,638 Well, that batch is ruined. 832 00:37:44,722 --> 00:37:48,267 Drain vat three to filtration and reclamation! 833 00:37:48,350 --> 00:37:50,644 And don't let Ms. Fussbudget's body 834 00:37:50,728 --> 00:37:51,979 clog up the pipes. 835 00:37:52,062 --> 00:37:53,856 The show must go on! 836 00:37:53,939 --> 00:37:56,984 [crashes, people screaming] 837 00:37:57,067 --> 00:37:59,987 Well, now it's a bash. 838 00:38:00,070 --> 00:38:04,450 - Joker. - Batman, you made it. 839 00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:06,785 And you are way outside our target demo, 840 00:38:06,869 --> 00:38:10,247 so if we're reaching you, then marketing is really-- 841 00:38:10,331 --> 00:38:12,082 [grunts] [dramatic music] 842 00:38:12,166 --> 00:38:15,002 [footsteps approaching] - Boss, he's coming this way. 843 00:38:15,085 --> 00:38:17,296 - Keep the camera steady, Charlie. 844 00:38:17,379 --> 00:38:21,341 This is all gold. - Charliehorse. 845 00:38:21,425 --> 00:38:24,845 - Boss, it's pretty clear he wants me to stop filming. 846 00:38:24,928 --> 00:38:28,390 - Stand tough, Charlie. Think of my fans. 847 00:38:28,474 --> 00:38:30,934 Hey, hey now, Bats! 848 00:38:31,018 --> 00:38:32,686 Leave Charlie out of this! 849 00:38:32,770 --> 00:38:35,481 That poor devil's just two weeks from retirement. 850 00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:38,275 He's got a full pen-- [blows landing] 851 00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:40,527 Oh, boy. Oh. [objects crashing] 852 00:38:40,611 --> 00:38:41,945 Oh, my. 853 00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:46,241 Oh, that's new. Oh, dear, uh-oh. 854 00:38:46,325 --> 00:38:48,535 Well, at least spare the TV camera. 855 00:38:48,619 --> 00:38:50,704 [TV static] That thing wasn't ch-- 856 00:38:50,788 --> 00:38:53,165 Oh, do you have to-- [static] 857 00:38:53,248 --> 00:38:54,708 [silence] 858 00:38:54,792 --> 00:38:56,335 [suspenseful music] 859 00:38:56,418 --> 00:38:58,879 - Gotham, a nice place to visit, 860 00:38:58,962 --> 00:39:01,048 but you wouldn't want to die here. 861 00:39:01,131 --> 00:39:04,593 Join us now as we reach the final intersection point 862 00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:08,305 of "Life and Death in Gotham City." 863 00:39:08,389 --> 00:39:11,809 High on the catwalk at a defunct Ace Chemical factory, 864 00:39:11,892 --> 00:39:15,646 two mortal enemies, one immortal struggle. 865 00:39:15,729 --> 00:39:18,398 Something about this scene feels familiar. 866 00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:21,401 - Let the hostages go, Joker, and I'll send you back 867 00:39:21,485 --> 00:39:23,821 to Arkham with the use of your legs. 868 00:39:23,904 --> 00:39:27,241 - Oh, you, just never mind my legs, you masher. 869 00:39:27,324 --> 00:39:29,159 Fresh. [liquid bubbling] 870 00:39:29,243 --> 00:39:30,953 - What's in the vats? 871 00:39:31,036 --> 00:39:35,749 - Just a little something to help get us all in the mood. 872 00:39:35,833 --> 00:39:39,920 You in the mood for love, caped crusader? 873 00:39:40,003 --> 00:39:43,257 Of course you are. Everybody is. 874 00:39:43,340 --> 00:39:46,093 It's Valentine's Day! 875 00:39:46,176 --> 00:39:48,804 Dance with me, Batman. 876 00:39:48,887 --> 00:39:52,558 Do you remember our dance, our dream? 877 00:39:52,641 --> 00:39:54,268 [classical dance music] 878 00:39:54,351 --> 00:39:55,978 Dance with me, 879 00:39:56,061 --> 00:39:58,647 and maybe I don't flood the city water supply 880 00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:01,775 with psychotropic aphrodisiacs. 881 00:40:01,859 --> 00:40:03,986 - We are not negotiating. 882 00:40:04,069 --> 00:40:08,866 - Ugh, haven't you got a romantic bone in your body? 883 00:40:08,949 --> 00:40:10,784 Look at what I did. 884 00:40:10,868 --> 00:40:14,288 I recreated our first date. 885 00:40:14,371 --> 00:40:16,290 Don't you remember? 886 00:40:16,373 --> 00:40:18,167 I wore a red hood, 887 00:40:18,250 --> 00:40:22,546 and you...were overdressed, but you made it work. 888 00:40:22,629 --> 00:40:26,425 And that's not all you made that night, is it? 889 00:40:26,508 --> 00:40:28,468 You made me. 890 00:40:28,552 --> 00:40:32,973 I was just a mixed-up crook till you came along, gorgeous. 891 00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:35,017 I remember the fall, 892 00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:38,896 sinking into a vat just like those down there, 893 00:40:38,979 --> 00:40:42,608 the chemicals seeping into my mind 894 00:40:42,691 --> 00:40:47,654 and unwinding it like a ball of dark purple yarn. 895 00:40:47,738 --> 00:40:51,074 And then in a whiplash of agony, 896 00:40:51,158 --> 00:40:54,453 the whole mess hardened like glue. 897 00:40:54,536 --> 00:40:58,498 A million bugs in my brain got trapped 898 00:40:58,582 --> 00:41:01,168 in amber forever. 899 00:41:01,251 --> 00:41:06,006 Can you know what that feels like, Batman? 900 00:41:06,089 --> 00:41:08,425 [ominous music] 901 00:41:08,508 --> 00:41:11,845 - No, but neither can you. 902 00:41:11,929 --> 00:41:14,806 - Excuse me? Rude. 903 00:41:14,890 --> 00:41:17,392 I think I know my own story. 904 00:41:17,476 --> 00:41:21,021 - We'll see if you do. It's time for the truth, Joker. 905 00:41:21,104 --> 00:41:23,857 See, I've often marveled at your madness. 906 00:41:23,941 --> 00:41:26,193 It's majestic in its obscenity. 907 00:41:26,276 --> 00:41:30,155 - Batman, you do notice. 908 00:41:30,239 --> 00:41:32,824 - What created such a diseased thing? 909 00:41:32,908 --> 00:41:34,243 I had to know, 910 00:41:34,326 --> 00:41:36,203 so after painstaking trial and error, 911 00:41:36,286 --> 00:41:39,498 I finally recreated the exact mixture of chemicals 912 00:41:39,581 --> 00:41:41,124 you fell into. 913 00:41:41,208 --> 00:41:43,210 - Wait, you what? 914 00:41:43,293 --> 00:41:44,503 - I replicated the conditions 915 00:41:44,586 --> 00:41:47,756 that supposedly created you, Joker, 916 00:41:47,839 --> 00:41:50,342 and I got into the vat myself. 917 00:41:50,425 --> 00:41:52,511 - You did what? 918 00:41:52,594 --> 00:41:55,013 - I took the plunge, too, Joker, 919 00:41:55,097 --> 00:41:57,140 into the unique chemical mixture 920 00:41:57,224 --> 00:42:00,936 you fell into that night to see what you see, 921 00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:03,063 and the effect on my sanity, Joker... 922 00:42:03,146 --> 00:42:04,856 [dramatic music] - No. 923 00:42:04,940 --> 00:42:07,651 - Was nil. - No! 924 00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:09,736 - Zero, Joker. 925 00:42:09,820 --> 00:42:11,238 The chemicals were caustic, 926 00:42:11,321 --> 00:42:14,533 but there was absolutely no psychotropic effect. 927 00:42:14,616 --> 00:42:16,868 It did not touch my mind. 928 00:42:16,952 --> 00:42:18,954 - That's a lie. 929 00:42:19,037 --> 00:42:22,165 - It did not affect your mind either, Joker. 930 00:42:22,249 --> 00:42:24,334 Whatever fiend came out of the vat that night 931 00:42:24,418 --> 00:42:27,879 five years ago was exactly the one that went in. 932 00:42:27,963 --> 00:42:31,591 The Joker was just a change of clothes. 933 00:42:31,675 --> 00:42:35,929 - That's not--no. We're not doing this. 934 00:42:36,013 --> 00:42:39,433 This is my picture. What's your angle? 935 00:42:39,516 --> 00:42:41,310 - I didn't create you. 936 00:42:41,393 --> 00:42:44,104 I was just an excuse for a hack with stage fright 937 00:42:44,187 --> 00:42:46,773 finally to try an open mic night. 938 00:42:46,857 --> 00:42:49,443 [music fades] - Why are you saying this? 939 00:42:49,526 --> 00:42:51,570 You're such a liar. 940 00:42:51,653 --> 00:42:54,364 - You're a gimmick. You had all the cruelty. 941 00:42:54,448 --> 00:42:56,033 You had all the malignant intentions, 942 00:42:56,116 --> 00:42:59,536 all the sickness in your head before the chemicals. 943 00:42:59,619 --> 00:43:02,205 The only thing that fall into the vat gave you 944 00:43:02,289 --> 00:43:05,375 was an idea for a novelty act. 945 00:43:05,459 --> 00:43:07,711 - No, no, no, no, no, no-- 946 00:43:07,794 --> 00:43:10,297 - That's not the origin story of a criminal mastermind. 947 00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:14,343 That's the origin story of a costume. 948 00:43:14,426 --> 00:43:15,802 - [laughs] 949 00:43:15,886 --> 00:43:17,929 [ominous music] I get it. 950 00:43:18,013 --> 00:43:20,015 We got a heckler. 951 00:43:20,098 --> 00:43:22,434 Well, here's the squelch, chief. 952 00:43:22,517 --> 00:43:24,478 I don't care what you say. 953 00:43:24,561 --> 00:43:27,981 That screwy dip pickled my coconut, Batman, 954 00:43:28,065 --> 00:43:30,317 and it was your fault! 955 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:33,820 I'm your creation. Everyone knows it. 956 00:43:33,904 --> 00:43:36,490 - This is just not true, Joker. 957 00:43:36,573 --> 00:43:39,159 This is the story you insist on living. 958 00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:40,869 It is not reality. 959 00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:44,331 - Oh, now you want me to bring reality into it, 960 00:43:44,414 --> 00:43:46,917 Bat-man? [chuckles] 961 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,836 - I still don't know who you were before that night. 962 00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:51,630 I may never know, 963 00:43:51,713 --> 00:43:55,258 but I know this whole act is flim-flam. 964 00:43:55,342 --> 00:43:57,427 - Oh, wait. Wait, wait, 965 00:43:57,511 --> 00:44:00,514 is that--could that... 966 00:44:00,597 --> 00:44:03,225 - Something terrible is pulling and tearing 967 00:44:03,308 --> 00:44:05,686 inside the Joker's ravaged psyche. 968 00:44:05,769 --> 00:44:07,854 It threatens to escape. 969 00:44:07,938 --> 00:44:10,148 It is reality. 970 00:44:10,232 --> 00:44:12,234 - You really believed it, didn't you? 971 00:44:12,317 --> 00:44:14,778 That it was the chemicals that ruined your mind. 972 00:44:14,861 --> 00:44:16,988 You have no way to discern your fictions 973 00:44:17,072 --> 00:44:19,074 from reality, do you? 974 00:44:19,157 --> 00:44:21,284 - Stick to the script, Batman. 975 00:44:21,368 --> 00:44:25,205 Do not torture me with your talent show improv. 976 00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:27,582 - That's how I'm going to beat you. 977 00:44:27,666 --> 00:44:30,001 You have a diabolical mind, Joker, 978 00:44:30,085 --> 00:44:32,671 but you're not exactly running the show, are you? 979 00:44:32,754 --> 00:44:35,799 You just work there. - That's it, Batman. 980 00:44:35,882 --> 00:44:39,302 I'm feeling absolutely no chemistry 981 00:44:39,386 --> 00:44:41,096 between us tonight, 982 00:44:41,179 --> 00:44:44,433 so let's see what we can do about that, huh? 983 00:44:44,516 --> 00:44:46,101 [countdown beeping, explosion] - Ah! 984 00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:48,770 - Suddenly, charges detonate underneath the catwalk. 985 00:44:48,854 --> 00:44:50,981 [catwalk metal creaks] Before he can react, 986 00:44:51,064 --> 00:44:53,775 Batman finds himself dangling from the wrecked structure 987 00:44:53,859 --> 00:44:57,571 mere feet above a purple chemical maelstrom. 988 00:44:57,654 --> 00:44:59,573 - [grunting] 989 00:44:59,656 --> 00:45:03,076 - The Joker leers down at his helpless adversary. 990 00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:06,663 - You know, I didn't want it to be this way, Batman. 991 00:45:06,746 --> 00:45:10,083 But if I have to make you love me, 992 00:45:10,167 --> 00:45:13,378 I'm prepared to do that. [grunting] 993 00:45:13,462 --> 00:45:15,213 - Mercilessly, the clown hammers 994 00:45:15,297 --> 00:45:17,924 at the dark knight's knuckles with a crowbar. 995 00:45:18,008 --> 00:45:20,302 [crowbar thwacking] - [groaning] 996 00:45:20,385 --> 00:45:24,431 - Fall, fall, fall, Batman! 997 00:45:24,514 --> 00:45:29,394 Fall in love again for the very first time! 998 00:45:29,478 --> 00:45:30,937 [siren wailing] 999 00:45:31,021 --> 00:45:34,107 - [over loudspeaker] Joker, this is GCPD! 1000 00:45:34,191 --> 00:45:36,443 The factory is surrounded! 1001 00:45:36,526 --> 00:45:40,739 - You are completely killing the mood, fellas! 1002 00:45:40,822 --> 00:45:43,283 - You're done, Joker. 1003 00:45:43,366 --> 00:45:45,744 - I don't think so, Batman. 1004 00:45:45,827 --> 00:45:49,456 You may have stomped all over my heart tonight, 1005 00:45:49,539 --> 00:45:51,041 but let me tell ya, 1006 00:45:51,124 --> 00:45:53,627 there are plenty of fish in the sea, 1007 00:45:53,710 --> 00:45:57,589 and I'm gonna gut every last one of them! 1008 00:45:57,672 --> 00:45:59,966 [cackles] 1009 00:46:00,050 --> 00:46:02,177 [countdown beeping, explosion] 1010 00:46:02,260 --> 00:46:05,138 [glass shattering, people scream] 1011 00:46:05,222 --> 00:46:06,640 [echoing] - Stay calm, everyone. 1012 00:46:06,723 --> 00:46:09,142 [high-pitched ringing] Don't panic! 1013 00:46:09,226 --> 00:46:10,393 Stay... 1014 00:46:10,477 --> 00:46:14,022 [high-pitched ringing continues] 1015 00:46:16,733 --> 00:46:20,904 - "Life and Death in Gotham City" epilogue. 1016 00:46:20,987 --> 00:46:23,240 - What's the sitrep, Commissioner? 1017 00:46:23,323 --> 00:46:27,827 - Uh, no sign of the Joker. He made a clean getaway. 1018 00:46:27,911 --> 00:46:30,747 And this factory will have to be condemned for sure. 1019 00:46:30,831 --> 00:46:32,874 Well, at least we contained his poison. 1020 00:46:32,958 --> 00:46:35,627 And thanks to you, incredibly, none of the hostages 1021 00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:37,295 were hurt in the explosion. 1022 00:46:37,379 --> 00:46:39,548 You averted a tragedy tonight, Batman. 1023 00:46:39,631 --> 00:46:43,843 - I only postponed a tragedy as long as the Joker is at large. 1024 00:46:43,927 --> 00:46:47,347 Is everyone from the bus he hijacked accounted for then? 1025 00:46:47,430 --> 00:46:49,808 - Unfortunately, no. 1026 00:46:49,891 --> 00:46:51,935 Apparently, before you arrived, 1027 00:46:52,018 --> 00:46:54,145 the Joker executed one of the hostages, 1028 00:46:54,229 --> 00:46:57,190 pitched her off the catwalk into one of the vats. 1029 00:46:57,274 --> 00:46:59,568 - We have a witness--excuse me, ma'am. 1030 00:46:59,651 --> 00:47:01,570 - Uh, my name is Helen. 1031 00:47:01,653 --> 00:47:04,281 - You said you, uh, knew the victim? 1032 00:47:04,364 --> 00:47:07,867 - I sat next to her on the bus. She was new in town. 1033 00:47:07,951 --> 00:47:09,869 I just--I called her Central City 1034 00:47:09,953 --> 00:47:12,539 on account of she got on the bus in Central City, 1035 00:47:12,622 --> 00:47:15,125 but I don't know anything about her. 1036 00:47:15,208 --> 00:47:18,211 Maybe you can find out. This is her pocketbook. 1037 00:47:18,295 --> 00:47:20,255 I looked in it. Is that okay? 1038 00:47:20,338 --> 00:47:22,132 - Yeah, yeah, it's fine, ma'am. 1039 00:47:22,215 --> 00:47:24,009 - I just want to help. 1040 00:47:24,092 --> 00:47:25,927 Anyway, see for yourself. 1041 00:47:26,011 --> 00:47:29,472 Her name was Dr. Harleen Quinzel. 1042 00:47:29,556 --> 00:47:32,684 [eerie dynamic music] 1043 00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:35,812 - Meanwhile, down on the Gotham river embankment, 1044 00:47:35,895 --> 00:47:38,231 something emerges from a drainage pipe 1045 00:47:38,315 --> 00:47:40,317 in a gush of purple waste. 1046 00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:42,861 - [high-pitched laughing] 1047 00:47:42,944 --> 00:47:45,655 [singsongy] Mr. J, 1048 00:47:45,739 --> 00:47:48,742 Mr. J. [splashing softly] 1049 00:47:48,825 --> 00:47:54,414 Where is that beautiful man? 1050 00:47:54,497 --> 00:47:58,835 I've gotta find me that beautiful, 1051 00:47:58,918 --> 00:48:01,129 [deep voice] beautiful [normal voice] man! 1052 00:48:01,212 --> 00:48:05,717 [exhaling excitedly, laughing] 1053 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,887 [suspenseful carnival music] 1054 00:48:08,970 --> 00:48:11,681 - "Life and Death in Gotham City" 1055 00:48:11,765 --> 00:48:14,017 to be continued. 1056 00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:15,602 ♪ ♪ 1057 00:48:15,685 --> 00:48:18,772 - [reversed audio] 1058 00:48:24,110 --> 00:48:27,238 [reversed audio continues] 1059 00:48:31,910 --> 00:48:34,829 [ominous music] 1060 00:48:34,913 --> 00:48:39,125 ♪ ♪ 1061 00:48:46,633 --> 00:48:47,967 [upbeat music] 1062 00:48:48,051 --> 00:48:50,303 - "Batman: The Audio Adventures." 1063 00:48:50,387 --> 00:48:52,972 Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas. 1064 00:48:53,056 --> 00:48:55,558 Based on the DC comic "Batman." 1065 00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:58,687 Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger. 1066 00:48:58,770 --> 00:49:01,231 Based on characters from DC Comics. 1067 00:49:01,314 --> 00:49:03,817 With performances by Jeffrey Wright, 1068 00:49:03,900 --> 00:49:09,197 Fred Armisen, Rosario Dawson, Heidi Gardner, John Leguizamo, 1069 00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:13,993 Dennis McNicholas, Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers, Chris Parnell, 1070 00:49:14,077 --> 00:49:18,456 Paula Pell, Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, Paul Scheer, 1071 00:49:18,540 --> 00:49:23,461 Pete Schultz, Brent Spiner, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson, 1072 00:49:23,545 --> 00:49:28,508 Ray Wise, Anna Crowe, Erica Phillips, Tony Phillips. 1073 00:49:28,591 --> 00:49:31,094 Executive produced by Jon Berg. 1074 00:49:31,177 --> 00:49:34,014 Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer, 1075 00:49:34,097 --> 00:49:37,016 Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg. 1076 00:49:37,100 --> 00:49:39,310 Produced by Dennis McNicholas. 1077 00:49:39,394 --> 00:49:41,521 Produced by Angela Petrella. 1078 00:49:41,604 --> 00:49:43,690 Music by Doug Bossi. 1079 00:49:43,773 --> 00:49:47,402 Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck. 1080 00:49:47,485 --> 00:49:49,738 Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing, 1081 00:49:49,821 --> 00:49:52,198 and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney. 1082 00:49:52,282 --> 00:49:54,617 Production manager Kay Tinder. 1083 00:49:54,701 --> 00:49:57,454 Post supervisor Deanna Saracino. 1084 00:49:57,537 --> 00:49:59,539 Writers' assistants Trey Woodard 1085 00:49:59,622 --> 00:50:01,124 and Scott Weinstein. 1086 00:50:01,207 --> 00:50:03,877 Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio. 1087 00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:06,045 Production legal Jordan Rock. 1088 00:50:06,129 --> 00:50:09,466 Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith. 1089 00:50:09,549 --> 00:50:12,844 Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips. 1090 00:50:12,927 --> 00:50:16,222 Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser. 1091 00:50:16,306 --> 00:50:20,018 Production services provided by Insurrection Media. 1092 00:50:20,101 --> 00:50:21,770 The characters and events depicted 1093 00:50:21,853 --> 00:50:23,396 in this podcast are fictional. 1094 00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:26,483 Any similarity to any actual person living or dead 1095 00:50:26,566 --> 00:50:30,153 or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions, 1096 00:50:30,236 --> 00:50:33,406 or other entities is coincidental and unintentional. 1097 00:50:33,490 --> 00:50:35,450 This podcast is protected under the laws 1098 00:50:35,533 --> 00:50:37,410 of the United States and other countries, 1099 00:50:37,494 --> 00:50:39,078 and its unauthorized duplication, 1100 00:50:39,162 --> 00:50:42,665 distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability 1101 00:50:42,749 --> 00:50:44,250 and criminal prosecution. 1102 00:50:44,334 --> 00:50:47,504 Country of first publication United States of America. 1103 00:50:47,587 --> 00:50:49,422 "Batman: The Audio Adventures." 1104 00:50:49,506 --> 00:50:53,426 Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated. 1105 00:50:53,510 --> 00:50:56,095 Batman and all related characters and elements are 1106 00:50:56,179 --> 00:50:58,681 trademark and copyright DC Comics. 1107 00:50:58,765 --> 00:51:00,683 All rights reserved. 1108 00:51:00,767 --> 00:51:03,895 ♪ ♪