- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
- No, this has nothing to do with the Joker.
I don't care what you heard on "Jack Ryder."
The Joker is uninvolved. [sirens wail, crowd screaming]
- This is dispatch. Go ahead, Commissioner.
- Yeah, copy, dispatch.
We gon' need all the available resources
to the harbor ferry station.
It's panic here at the Iceberg Casino,
utter confusion.
There's a forklift hauling away
a damn frozen elephant.
- Uh, Commissioner, can I get your exact 926?
- My 926 is Riddler's crashing Penguin's party
literally with an ocean liner.
But the Scarecrow drugs are making the crowd think
that they're under attack by the Joker.
- Say again, Commissioner?
- A hoax Joker panic at Penguin's place
sparked a riot caused by Riddler
using Scarecrow's drugs.
- The Riddler is using drugs? Over.
- Riddler caused a Joker panic with the Scarecrow drugs
to attack the Penguin.
- Ah, copy that, sir. A 12-16? Over.
- Yes, a 12-16. We have a 12-16 in progress.
Batman is engaging the situation in a speedboat,
but that ocean liner is not gonna slow down.
We need to mobilize for a mass casualty event.
Full medical response.
- Mass casualty, sir? Over.
Doesn't the Batman have a plan to--
- I don't think so, dispatch.
Batman's saying that there's nothing he can do
to turn the ship around.
- Commissioner, what is the Batman's 926?
- I don't know what he's up to, dispatch.
I just believe the good people of this city can trust
in the Batman.
Although, it sounds completely insane
when you say it out loud.
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a rising tide lifts all boats
except the one that's taking on water.
Join us now for a tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[waves breaking, ship whirring] The flagship
of the Gotham Star Lines is a 150-foot tall,
three-funnel, coal-driven ocean liner
called the "Queen Beatrice." [seagulls squawking]
And it is on an inevitable collision course
with the Penguin's floating Iceberg Casino.
Who is the hellish helmsman on the "Queen B.'s" bridge
who so passionately courts maritime disaster?
[Riddler laughing]
None other than that irascible inquisitor
the Riddler.
[over loudspeaker] - [laughs]
Good evening, patrons of the Iceberg Casino.
I thought the conversation might be a little awkward
right now, so I thought I'd try a little icebreaker.
[laughs] [off loudspeaker]
- Lame.
- Oh, is everything lame, Ms. Tuesday?
Oh, that must be so tedious for you.
- But hope is not forgotten.
A black splinter of aquadynamic perfection knifes
through the water ahead of the coal-driven titan.
It is the Batman's custom-built submersible speedboat,
every bit the aquatic equal of the famous Batmobile.
- Robin, that ocean liner is coming in hot on the casino.
Try to suppress the panic and be ready.
I only have one option.
I have to get the Riddler to cooperate with me.
- Deftly, the Batman maneuvers his craft
alongside the soot-belching behemoth
and hails the bridge over ship-to-ship.
[over loudspeaker] - Riddler, this is Batman.
I'm here to negotiate.
- With what?
I'm driving the 800-foot long torpedo,
you caped cretin.
Do you not even get that?
- Riddler, be reasonable. You've won.
Slow the ship.
Nothing can stop the impact now,
but if you put it in full reverse--
- Ha, steady on, Ms. Tuesday, but you know-you know what?
You caught me in a very charitable mood, Batman.
I was gonna detonate the shipment of frag grenades
in the cargo hold as I made my escape,
from all this delicious mayhem I've cooked up,
but I'll spare you that if you can solve this puzzle.
Riddle me this:
You pick me out from a crowd, and--
- Riddler, we don't have time for this.
- Don't freaking interrupt me
when I'm riddling, Batman.
- Riddler-- - The nerve!
I don't come to where you work
and slap the vengeance of the night out of your--
- Riddler, have a shred of compassion.
Those people are terrified.
- Well, good, let them quake in their boots
when they hear the name Eddie Nygma,
the artist of crime.
Now then, Batman, quiz time.
Riddle me this:
You pick me out from a crowd and give me--
- No, Riddler, you don't understand.
The word got out that the Joker's behind this.
- What? The J--those idiots, as if!
They think the Joker could pull this off?
- Yes, those people are in an absolute blind panic
because they have no idea it's only the Riddler
behind all this.
Please, slow down.
- You insufferable mediocrity.
I'm speeding up. Ms. Tuesday, five more knots.
- Riddler, kill those people if you must,
but at least let them know it's just you
and not the Joker doing them in.
- Ms. Tuesday, ahead full steam.
Open the bilge main and scuttle the jargon-jargon!
Iceberg Casino dead ahead.
Come on, Gotham, let's party like it's 1912.
[laughs]
- But just as Riddler is done counting his chickens...
- Speak up, Ms. Tuesday. What?
[alarm beeping] The depth finder says what?
[crash] Ahh!
- Like a mad dog that suddenly finds itself
at the end of its leash,
the enormous cruise ship lurches hard to a dead stop
well short of impact with the casino.
- What the--Ms. Tuesday,
what in the wide world of sports did we just hit?
- You just hit a very large sandbar
off the west side of the casino barge, Riddler.
You ran aground, and the casino is safe.
- Huh?
- Probably unpleasant for your hostages,
but nothing the medics onboard can't handle.
- No, no, what-what sandbar? There's not-there's not--
There's no ever-loving sandbar. How did you do this?
I'm looking at the depth charts right now.
I memorized the-- - Oh, it's not on any charts.
That's an illegal debris pile
from all the dumping Penguin did during construction
of his floating eyesore.
- I hit a pile of Penguin's trash?
- He greased the right city bureaucrats
to keep it off the official charts and surveys,
but it's there,
as any real Gotham sailor will tell you.
- You knew.
You knew I was headed for failure.
- Yes, but only if I could get you to run aground
before you noticed anything on your depth finder,
so thank you for accelerating, Eddie.
[helicopter whirring] - No...
no, no!
- GCPD is dropping SWAT teams onto the deck
of the "Queen Beatrice" now, Eddie.
Give yourself up, and I'll put in a good word
for you with Dr. Arkham.
- I'm never going back to that repulsive bug hatch!
I'm never, never going back to that!
- I'll get you a view of the eastern sky
from your cell, Eddie.
You can see Venus most mornings.
Maybe I can even get you a deck of cards.
- Never, Batman!
The artist of crime never surrenders!
Ms. Tuesday, retreat! Evacuate!
All ashore that's going ashore!
- Batman to Commissioner Gordon.
Stand by to fish Riddler out of the harbor.
He's going overboard any minute
if your SWAT teams don't get him first.
I cannot assist at this time. Valentine's Day is almost here.
Knowing the Joker, I have a feeling
in about 27 hours we're going to fondly remember
this near catastrophe.
[suspenseful music]
- Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats.
We are about to begin tonight's performance
of the bittersweet comitragedy
called "Life and Death in Gotham City."
- Did you see that? The Batman did it!
The cruise ship stopped!
[crowd chatter] - M-Mom, D-Dad, where are you?
- I thought the Iceberg was a goner for sure.
Pretty big letdown.
- Doesn't even seem like anybody got hurt.
- Did someone say the Joker did this?
- P-please, can somebody-- - Oh, Riddler.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes more sense.
- Excuse m-me, please.
I-I can't f-find my-- - [whistling]
[thud] Ow!
Easy there, chief. - Oh, p-pardon me, sir.
- No, pardon me. This is heavy.
It's called a galvanized twin-spinning autoclave.
Looks like you're having a bad night.
What's your name, kid?
- B-Bryce. - What's the trouble, Bryce?
- I can't find my mom and dad.
We stopped to try and see what was happening
in the harbor, and we got split up.
- Pretty late to be toddling on the town, Bryce.
- Huh, Mom thought so too. Mom said to take a taxi.
Dad said, "Let's walk."
We were walking home from the movies.
- Walking home from the movies. You don't say.
What picture you see? - M-monster movie.
B-Basil Karlo played a mummy.
- Ooh, Basil Karlo. Scary?
- Not so much, I'm much more scared right now.
- Really? And why is that, Bryce?
Because you're all alone right now?
- Because you're the Joker.
- Who, me, the Joker?
No, I'm--I'm just Blabbo the birthday clown, Bryce.
Nothing to worry about.
- I just want to g--I just want to go home now.
- Sure, sure,
I just want to chitter-chat a little first, Bryce.
You seem like a bright boy.
You got time to talk with your old uncle Blabbo, don't you?
- I-I-- - Listen, Bryce.
What's so scary about the Joker anyhow?
He's not a big guy, is he?
Skinny, maybe 6-foot flat in elevator shoes, right?
- I don't know. I--
- Bryce, there's a snarling sadomasochist
in a bat getup at large in this town,
and you're afraid of a guy who goes around
with a smile on his face?
That makes sense to you, Bryce?
- W-well, uh--
- I think Joker is misunderstood.
All the best people are. Take me, for example.
Nobody gets old Blabbo. Nobody even tries.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Bryce?
- I--I don't know. - Sure you do.
Mom wanted to take a taxi. Dad said walk.
Anybody ask Bryce?
- N-n-no, Dad just yelled.
- Dad just yelled.
Well, I got bad news for you, Bryce.
That's what Dad does.
I'm saying it only gets worse for guys like you and me.
You got a pretty healthy stammer there,
don't you, Bryce?
- Y-yes.
- And people aren't nice about it, are they?
- No, they're not nice about it.
- And sometimes, you think about hurting them.
[ominous music]
Nothing wrong with that. Listen, Bryce.
Blabbo has a full dance card tonight,
so I gotta go, but when's your birthday?
- April 1st. - No fooling!
[laughs] I knew I liked you.
Here's an early birthday present
from Blabbo the birthday clown.
Go on, take it. [liquid bubbles]
- What is it?
- It's a prank, a gag, a practical joke,
the kind that teaches a valuable lesson.
Next time you could use some yucks,
put a few drops of that green stuff
in Dad's scotch, and see what happens,
or maybe a dash in Johnny Jockstrap's milkshake,
or loudmouth Susie Poodleskirt's soda pop.
You're a good boy, Bryce.
I know you'll think of something clever
to do with it, maybe not soon, but someday.
You're gonna be a superstar, Bryce.
I can always spot 'em.
- Bryce, Bryce! Where the hell is that kid?
- Oh, that's my dad. - You better go.
- But hey, I gotta ask you something.
- Yeah? - How do you spot 'em?
Like, how do you know I'm gonna be a superstar?
- Easy, Bryce.
Because as soon as we really got in a groove,
you stopped stuttering.
[whistling]
- Bryce, there you are!
- What? I'm fine, Mom.
- He's fine, Marsha,
wandering around out to lunch as usual.
- Who was that man you were talking to?
- D-don't worry about it, Mom.
- He was just here a minute ago,
the man in the purple hat.
- He's j-just a new friend, Mom.
You always s-say I need new friends.
- New friends, how about a friend?
- Dad, don't-- [siren whooping]
- It's the GCPD! Please disperse!
[mysterious music]
- Gotham, a city that precipitated
out of a solution of despair.
Join us now for a tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
February 13th.
Squatting on an entire city block
of Gotham's toxic Chemical District
in the Narrows, the Ace Chemical plant
is an infamous brick behemoth
belching noxious fumes into the dark Gotham night.
Following up on the enigmatic mention
of a secret Project Joy Cure
in the contents of Penguin's safe,
a lithe feline figure steals into an unmarked laboratory
to startle a scientist hard at work over a microscope.
- Good evening, doc. - Oh, good heavens!
- Oh, no, no, put that phone down now,
or you hit the linoleum hard. [receiver clicks]
Smart move.
I'm in a mood,
and hurting people seems like an easy solution
to all my problems right now, okay?
So just keep me supplied with other options.
- You're not supposed to be in here.
- Honey, I don't think people are supposed to be in here.
How do you stand the smell?
For a place that used to make perfume,
it sure smells like a pantyhose fire.
- You're her. You're Catwoman.
Is--is this a robbery? - Not exactly.
I was actually thinking we could just chat a little.
- Chat about what?
- About whatever you want to chat about, darling.
How's work going?
Have you bought a pair of shoes this decade,
or where you live, do those still cut it?
Hey, how about, what's Project Joy Cure?
- I can't-- - Start anywhere.
Like my friend at the "Gazette" just found out,
two of your three predecessors here in special projects
are suddenly collecting big disability
for gouged out eyes,
disfigurement-- - What? They didn't tell me--
- Well, the third just moved into a tiny one-bedroom
in the heart of beautiful Mount Gotham Cemetery,
no view but no walk-up either.
- You-you can't do this.
I don't--I don't have the authority to--
- Look, I just swam here from the Iceberg Casino.
Cats and water? Please.
You really don't want to test my cool.
I know the mayor is providing cover for Ace Chemical
while they develop Project Joy Cure.
It's killed one lab coat
and sent two more to the plastic surgeon.
What is it?
- Please, Catwoman, I can't tell you that,
even if I wanted to.
- [scoffs] Well, that's weird, Dr. Langstrom.
Can I call you Francie?
- Well, it's Francine, actually--
- 'Cause the sign on your office says
you're the project director, fancy Francie,
at least, unless and until you get your eyes
mysteriously scratched out like the last guy.
But here's the thing, Francie, maybe we just met,
but I don't want that for you.
I'm here to help you make a career choice
that won't require a disability settlement
and reconstructive skin grafts.
So let me in to see what you're sciencing in there.
- You are not gonna like the answer.
- Unlock the door to the testing lab.
- Please don't make me.
- [draws blade] Open it.
[keys clacking]
[electronic beeping]
[door hisses open]
- Dr. Langstrom relents.
The heavy containment door is opened.
From the darkened laboratory comes laughter,
mirthless, horrible, inhuman laughter.
[laughter and rattling]
- What are you doing in here?
What are you keeping in those cages?
- They're test subjects.
They're-- - Are those lab monkeys?
What's wrong with them?
Why are they--for the love of God,
why do they have such horrible grins?
- I know they're suffering.
Project Joy Cure is not a success yet,
but we're trying to--
- Is Project Joy Cure--are you testing Joker toxin
on these poor suffering creatures?
- Well, a-a diluted formulation, yes,
but it's for a good cause, I swear.
- You poisoned these animals with Joker toxin?
You're watching these wretched creatures
laugh themselves to death?
- No--well, yes,
the Joker's trademark poison causes fatal delirium
and convulsive laughter.
It's a gruesome death brought on
by the brain's pleasure centers literally exploding,
but a weakened dose of this drug, a safe dose,
it could be a revolutionary antidepressant,
perfect happiness pills.
- Happiness pills?
- Even the ice-blooded Catwoman is chilled
by the ghastly hubris of this scheme.
- The evidence I saw in Penguin's safe, the Joker,
how does he fit into this sick scheme?
- I don't-- - Anything but the truth,
and it gets ugly in ways you will hate.
- The...the Joker has been using
an abandoned Ace Chemicals lab
near the cannery for his personal experiments,
sneaking in and tinkering, testing--
or he thinks he's sneaking in.
- He's not sneaking in? - Ace Chemical knows about it.
- They're letting the Joker use an industrial chemical lab?
- It's worse than that. They're paying Mayor Hill
to keep GCPD off his back,
give him all the room he needs to do his work.
- For God's sake, why?
- Because Ace Chemical goes in when the Joker's gone,
and they scoop up his leftovers.
- Oh, my God.
- They collect his used test tubes,
take pictures of his whiteboards for study.
- And that's where you come in, to help skim a profit
out of a mass murderer's garbage can.
- I know the things he's done, but you can't deny it,
he's a twisted genius.
It'd be a terrible waste to just let all his brilliance
rot inside that diseased mind.
- You think you can farm good ideas
from the Joker's brain?
You idiot! You ignorant--
nothing grows in that sewer but death!
- So absolute is her shock at the nightmare scene
that Catwoman failed to notice private security has arrived.
- Hey, you, freeze!
- But Catwoman does not intend to leave tonight in handcuffs.
- [grunts] - With a powerful swipe
of her claw, she removes the grate
from a ventilation duct and disappears
into the crawlspace labyrinth beyond.
- She's gone!
That was that Catwoman, wasn't it?
You okay, Doc Langstrom?
- I'm fine, Gus, but the project secret is out
ahead of schedule. - Should I contact the--
- No, I'll be the one to tell him,
and I will take full responsibility.
He won't be understanding.
If I never see my husband again,
tell Kirk I love him, and if people got hurt,
tell him I did all of this for him.
[suspenseful music]
- Who is the Project Joy Cure mastermind?
And why has he taken such a keen interest
in the twisted chemical confections of the Joker?
That is another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
[music fades]
[voicemail beep]
- Yeah, hello, Mr. District Attorney.
This is Commissioner Jim Gordon.
I wanted to apologize for the heated words earlier.
I didn't mean to suggest that I'm happy
about an ocean liner almost capsizing on my watch.
I'm saying any way you look at this,
it's a win for us and a setback for the Penguin.
That illegal dump site of his
in the harbor is a federal crime, right?
And forget it if the Gotham Star Lines brings a lawsuit.
Cobblepot doesn't have the legal big guns to--
- [clears throat] Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon.
- Yes?
- You remember we got that tip
about a counterfeiting outfit in Little China?
- Mm-hmm, you found it?
- Well, we found the printing press,
but it wasn't counterfeit.
- Are those wedding invitations?
- Sort of. Have a look for yourself.
- What the devil does this say?
- Esteemed colleagues and associates
of the Gotham underworld--
- It is with great enthusiasm that we announce the merger
of two trendsetting criminal syndicates
that have become synonymous with high volume,
four quarter franchise crime in our greater
Gotham metro area. [squawks]
- Effective on the second Tuesday of quarter two,
the estimable Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot,
capo of the Iceberg organization,
is uniting with the august firm of Dent and Dent,
injury attorney and injury infliction services.
- There will be no material changes
in the day-to-day operations of our protection rackets,
whisper campaigns, or witness intimidation.
Our kneecapping policy will remain unchanged.
- If you have any questions regarding the pending merger,
shove 'em up your nose.
- Thank you for the privilege of threatening
and/or bribing you in pursuit of our shared criminal agenda.
We look forward to a fiscal year
of profitable misery for all of Gotham City.
[together] Cobblepot, Dent, and Dent,
look for the sign of the double-headed eagle.
- Lieutenant, you like coffee?
- Yeah, sure I do, Commissioner.
- Great, put a pot on.
Then scare up a corkboard, a box of thumbtacks,
and every file we have on the Cobblepot and Dent syndicates.
Combined, they control nearly 70% of gangland territories,
and with Scarecrow causing instability for Black Mask...
- What does it mean?
- It means Penguin and Two-Face are a whisker away
from complete control of the Gotham underworld.
I'll take milk, no sugar.
[smooth music]
- Gotham City,
if you were forsaken, you'd be home by now.
Join us once again for a tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
In the Batcave infirmary,
a nightmare unfolds.
[monitors beeping rapidly] - [frenzied laughter]
I get it, Bruce. I get it!
I finally get the joke!
[laughing]
- Dick, you've been poisoned by the Joker.
You have to stay still so Alfred
can get the needle in.
- He's crashing, Master Bruce.
Blood pressure, respiration.
What did that fiend do to him?
- Ambush down by the waterfront.
- [laughing]
I was raised in a circus, Bruce.
I've been around clowns my whole life!
But I never got the joke before tonight!
[laughing]
- Joker hit Robin point-blank with--I don't know what
he hit him with this time.
It was aerosolized, sea wasp toxin possibly,
laced with--
- Sir, the antidote is having no effect.
- Ah, why are clowns funny, Bruce?
Do you know? Do you get the joke?
The Joker's joke,
it's the joke he's been telling the whole time.
- Stay still, Robin. Alfred, sedative.
- Clowns, they're dead men, Bruce!
You get it?
The pale white faces,
the rictus grins!
[laughing]
Clowns, they're corpses, Bruce! Isn't it funny?
We're all gonna die!
You're gonna die, and I'm gonna kill you!
[laughs]
- Alfred, he's seizing.
Give him another 200 ccs of-- - It's no good, sir.
That tranquilizer was meant
for the largest wildlife. It's--
[monitor flatlines] - No.
- Sir, I'm so very sorry, but he's gone.
Master Richard is gone.
Robin is dead,
and it is your fault, Master Bruce.
- [laughing]
Isn't it funny? We're all gonna die!
- No! - Master Bruce!
- [screaming] - Master Bruce,
you are dreaming!
- [breathes heavily] What?
- You were having a nightmare, sir.
- Fear not, we have returned to the waking world
where the Boy Wonder yet lives.
But alas, the Joker remains at large.
- A very disturbing and loud nightmare.
- Alfred.
- The Batman lifts his head from the Batcomputer console
as his expressions of anguish and panic dissolve
into the stoic mask of the dark knight.
- Yes, I--thank you, Alfred. I know.
I have them on purpose.
- I'm sorry, you what?
- I try to have nightmares intentionally
whenever I'm forced to sleep.
With a micro-dose of Scarecrow drugs
and various lucid dreaming techniques I've devised,
I can simulate various kinds of psychic trauma
and develop the appropriate defenses.
- You program your own nightmares?
Sir that is--that's--well--
- It's invaluable psychological training.
- It's appalling, sir, with respect.
All this time, I thought at least when he sleeps,
he gets some peace.
I should've guessed you'd find your way around that.
- Alfred, you know sleep is a luxury
I can't afford right now.
Joker goes live tomorrow
with something he's calling Dark Purple Dawn.
I have to figure out what Dark Purple Dawn is.
Is it a drug, a poison? Is it a person or event?
I need to get ahead of the Joker's plan,
anticipate his thinking.
- Is there any percentage in anticipating the movements
of a bull inside of a china shop, sir?
Destruction is inevitable.
- But the Joker is not a bull in a china shop, Alfred.
He's more like a shark at a shipwreck.
He's going to bite where he smells the most blood.
- I was going to suggest sausages for breakfast.
Melon it is.
- Remember, the Joker lives to find new ways
to laugh at the existential joke.
Trouble is, laughter is a potent drug.
Overindulgence dulls the mind,
sends it to dark places in search
of once wholesome thrills.
- Well then, if I may, bless your cotton socks
for never touching the stuff, sir.
- My point is, no joke remains funny after repeated tellings.
A cunning comedian is always looking for a change up
when it's least expected.
But that's where I have the Joker where I want him.
This time, I'm going to be the one to zag
when he's preparing to zig.
Computer, pull up sigma epsilon two index mercury.
[electronic tones] - Good question.
Vector point seven, radius point seven,
full spectrum.
- Do you ever spout meaningless gibberish
at that thing to pull my leg, sir?
[electronic tones]
- Good thinking, refine to 0.71
and dilate all residual heuristic reflux.
- Ugh, you do. I know you do.
- Here, Alfred, look.
It was painstaking work,
but the evidence is irrefutable.
- Sir, forgive me, what am I looking at?
- Finally, Alfred, it's some insight
into the mystery I've agonized over for the last five years,
the Joker's past,
his identity before that night I first encountered him.
He's gone to extraordinary lengths
to destroy all traces of the man he was
before the Joker was born, but this, Alfred,
this is a breakthrough.
When he finds out what I know,
it could mean the end of the Joker forever.
[smooth music]
- Stop me if you've heard this one before.
Years ago, a dark knight chased a red hood
across a high catwalk in a chemical factory.
The hood fell, and a joker rose from beneath it.
But who do you think was under the hood in the first place?
The punchline very shortly,
delivered with deadpan precision
by the legendary team
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[beep]
- Ace Chemical marketing department
test reel 3 side A, start.
[beep] - Are you listless, depressed?
Has all the joy gone out of your life?
When was the last time you laughed inside?
[echoing] - Joy Cure.
- Put a smile in your brain with Joy Cure,
another chemical solution from Ace Chemical.
[echoing] - Joy Cure.
- Ask your doctor if Joy Cure is right for you.
If he says no, ask him again
after you introduce him to your friend Dr. Ben Franklin.
See if that loosens up his prescription writing hand.
It usually does. Medical school is expensive.
Joy Cure, coming soon from Ace Chemical.
- "Life and Death in Gotham City" epilogue.
Now leaving Gotham City,
his majesty King Scimitar I,
a man who was a failure at being a fraud.
Once a monarch in his own mind,
he is now reduced to nothing but a single sword
and a set of marching orders, "leave town or else."
After being wiped out by Catwoman,
he has spent a wretched week on the streets...
[thud, man groans] Trying to salvage
his criminal bona fides.
He was not successful.
- Oh! - Like so many before him,
Gotham City has hocked him up and makes ready
to expectorate him far beyond the city limits.
But this little man with big ideas,
convicted to exile from the city he sought to rule,
is about to accept a strange reprieve.
- Hey, buddy. Hey, sword man.
- Go away!
- You with the big pigsticker,
hey, I'm talking to you.
Say, aren't you King Scimitar?
- No way, man.
I don't even know who this King Scimitar is
you're talking about.
And hey, bub, don't you see,
even I have a way different haircut
than King Scimitar, man, right?
Use your eyes.
- No, you're King Scimitar, the cavalier of crime,
the sword of Gotham, yeah?
I'd know you anywhere.
- Wait a minute. I know you, too.
You, I think you're the Joker's man, yes?
They call you Charlie Charliehorse, huh?
- Oh, me? [chuckles]
Eh, I'm just an old stickup artist.
You know, I was lucky to be grabbing gumdrops.
Say, I heard about you and the Catwoman thing,
cleaned you out, huh?
Some bad beef. You were going places.
- Yes, Catwoman, she ruined me.
- If it's any consolation, you were far from the first.
Kitty-cat uses all the small-timers around town
as a personal ATM.
- It's no consolation.
- Hey, no offense.
Even the Joker didn't become
public enemy number one overnight.
- Yes, he did!
He killed the whole Gotham philharmonic orchestra
with a flamethrower disguised as a slide trombone.
That's pretty good.
- Oh, yeah, his "When the Saints go Marching In" bit.
That was a classic. You're right, strong debut.
Couldn't do that bit today. It's a different time.
But anyway, you'll be back, right?
Just a bump in the road for the king, yeah?
- No way, man.
I was a small-time, and now I'm ruined big time.
I own nothing but this sword.
I'm on my way right now to a pawn shop to sell it,
then maybe a bus ticket.
Maybe King Scimitar can start over in Central City.
I don't know.
Maybe I go home to my native of Latava.
- That's too bad. Joker sees real promise in you.
- Who does, Joker does? Me, King Scimitar?
Joker knows who is King Scimitar,
that's what you're telling me.
- Oh, sure, he goes nuts for a fellow with a tight gimmick,
and you, my friend, got a tight gimmick.
- Yeah, man, the cavalier of crime,
the sword of Gotham, ha-ha!
I think that's the good stick, right?
I still got some mileage?
- Oh, no doubt.
- Ah, this Mr. Joker, did he know how I got this sword,
this special sword here to--to kill the Batman?
See, what I do is I say,
"It's steel was folded ten thousand times
with the face of the dev--"
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you kidding? Come on.
He loves that bit, loves it.
- Imagine that, wowie zowie.
You know, maybe I made a bigger mark
in Gotham more than I think.
- Well, the boss'll be sorry to hear that you're leaving town,
but it's a good thing I caught you.
Here, he wants you to have this,
a little gift from the Joker in admiration.
- The stunned small-timer takes a dark purple package
from the nefarious clown's consigliere.
- Whoa, thank you, Mr. Charlie Charliehorse.
Please tell Mr. Joker thank you from King Scimitar.
- As soon as Charlie is out of view,
the disgraced drug lord eagerly tears off the lid
of the box to find nothing,
just a soft pop and a cloud of acrid purple miasma.
- [coughs] What the--it's nothing.
It's nothing but a box of purple stink.
Should have known the clown was just playing a joke, right?
Heh, nothing good ever happen to King Scimitar.
Now I am late. Pawn shop gonna close.
- Pawn shop?
Oh, dear cupcake, how could you?
- The voice is like a thousand goose feathers
tickling King Scimitar's happiest memory,
but whose is it?
Where is it coming from?
- Who is that?
- It's me, my sweet, sweet pea.
- Who is-- - Who?
Oh, my sweet, my sugar beet, you wound me.
Haven't I always been here?
- In a moment, King Scimitar knows
it is his weapon, his sword.
[high-pitched laughter]
Once it was the most precious possession he owned.
Then it was the only possession he owned.
In a mysterious twist of fate,
now he finds it owns him, body and soul.
- Sword, it's you?
You speak to me?
You are so beautiful.
Oh, beautiful.
- How can you lie to me, my lamb chop, my lettuce leaf?
I don't feel beautiful. I'm so cold and hungry.
- I want to give you everything,
but I have nothing, only you, my sword.
- What I crave costs nothing, my pumpkin.
If you love me, you will give me my fill.
- I shall. I must!
What is this thing you need, my love?
- Violence.
- King Scimitar is moved now by a purpose greater than any.
Whatever King Scimitar does next,
he does out of mad, hopeless love.
- I am King Scimitar. You shall be my queen.
I will wash Gotham City in a boiling tidal wave
of bloody violence for you, my sweet Slasha.
That's your name, isn't it? [high-pitched laughter]
Did I always know that?
[heartbeat thumping] Queen Slasha.
- I love you, my king.
- I love you, my queen.
- We will do such pretty things,
but first, revenge against that wicked kitty,
that homewrecker. - Catwoman!
- Together, my butterball, my apple tart, together,
let's see how many ways there are
to skin a cat.
- As the deranged bladesman rampages off into the night,
a short distance away,
Mr. Charlie Charliehorse returns to the tombstone grin
watching the scene from the shadows.
- Bravo, you did it, boss. Look at him.
He's head over heels in love with that strip of tin.
What do you think?
- I think King Ding-a-ling is a royal moroon,
but he does have a tight gimmick.
I do go nuts for a fellow with a tight gimmick.
- I mean, the, uh, experiment, Dark Purple Dawn,
is it a go, you know, for showtime?
- We got a green light, Charlie.
Oh, boy, what a panic this is gonna be,
a real 101 proof riot.
The very last thing the Batman will expect is
for the Joker to bomb Gotham City
with weaponized love.
[oldies upbeat music]
- Love is strange,
none more so than the love that takes root
in the toxic soil
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
To be continued.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Fred Armisen, Ike Barinholtz, Rosario Dawson, Heidi Gardner,
John Leguizamo, Dennis McNicholas,
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell, Paula Pell, Katie Rich,
Ben Rodgers, Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz, Brent Spiner,
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk, Melissa Villaseñor, Ray Wise.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements are
trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪