- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
- ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪
♪ Shooby dooby ♪
♪ Alfred brings the supper down at a quarter to 7:00 ♪
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-- ♪ Oh!
[sniffs] That smells delicious, Alfred.
"You've outdone yourself." Why, thank you, Master Bruce.
[chuckles] I mean, it's simply lamb stock--
[electronic beep] - Retinal scan complete.
- At last, certainly took your--
- Input voice identification code for Batcave access.
- Authorization Alfred one.
- Recognized.
- Marvelous, this tray is heavy though,
so please be kind enough to open--
[thud, dishes clatter] - Access denied.
- I beg your pardon.
- Access denied.
- Let me in, you ridiculous contrivance,
before Master Bruce's soup gets cold!
It's difficult enough getting him to eat without--
[electronic ding] - When is a door not a door?
- What? Who changed the voice interface protocol?
- When is a door not a door?
- [grumbles] Riddler.
- Incorrect. When is a door not a door?
- Ugh. When it's ajar.
Every schoolboy knows that.
- Incorrect. - What?
- Correct answer: When is a door not a door?
When you can't get it open, you imbecile.
Intruder alert.
Batcave antipersonnel directives charging.
- Oh, well, the soup is certainly going cold now.
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city that spans the full distance
between hell and high water.
Join us again for a tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
As Alfred has just learned,
the house he keeps is under siege.
By distracting Batman with a threat
of a catastrophic gas attack on the Wayne Foundation building,
the nefarious Riddler was able
to trace Batman's electronic signal
back to the Batcave.
From his remote location,
the obnoxious inquisitor now has complete computer control
of the Batman's hidden headquarters.
- Well, Batman, I'm really all out of small talk with you,
and we still have minutes to go
until I calculate your secret location.
No, don't you worry.
The trace is run, run, run, run, running.
- Robin. - He's system-wide, Batman!
- How to kill the time?
Do you have any games on this thing?
- Restore perimeter security.
- No good, he is the Batcave right now, Batman.
We couldn't turn on the radio down here if he didn't want it.
- Oh, but I do.
Oh, that's a groovy idea, Boy Wonder.
Let's see what's in your music files
while we wait, Batman.
[electronic dance music] Ew.
[classical music] Blech.
[soft music] Blech, no.
Batman, this is the music collection of a dude
who does not get it.
- Batman, the system core! - No time.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, here we go, perfect.
Maestro, a little on hold music, please.
[light jazz music]
When I samba right in your front door,
I'm so going to enjoy watching the look
on the lower half of your face, Batman.
- Just don't forget,
you'd better watch your ears, Eddie.
- What? What did you say, mumbles?
- I said, Batmobile, jamming frequency!
[alarm blaring]
- Ahh! - You forced him out!
- Briefly, that bought us 60 seconds, maybe less,
but at least I shut him up for the moment.
[keys clacking] - Whoa, good thinking, Batman.
- Riddler has full control of the Batcave systems,
but the car has an independent computer core.
He's compensating as we speak, but I have a plan.
- Better be quick, Batman.
Riddler's trace is still running.
He's almost found us.
- Riddler is mounting his assault on the Batcave
from inside the Wayne Foundation mainframe.
He thinks he's safe in there
because he's locked Batman and Robin out.
But luckily for us, Bruce Wayne is already inside.
- Of course!
You personally tweaked the Wayne Foundation code,
but Riddler couldn't know that.
- Riddler won't expect another user to log in
at this access point, which I can do
using Bruce Wayne's passwords and clearance.
- Wayne Foundation. - Bruce Wayne.
- Authorized.
- Bruce Wayne will run a background trace on Riddler
while Riddler is preoccupied with Batman.
- But that'll take at least a minute, Batman.
And he's nearly back in.
You'll need to distract him for--
- Covering that now, Robin.
Just follow--
- [laughing] Okay, you got me.
I forgot about your tacky-ass car.
[laughs]
You do know where the car is concerned,
you're totally that guy, right?
But no worries, I'm back in control,
and I almost have your location.
- Robin, quickly, encrypt these files, old chum.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't, Batman.
You think you got skills?
Girl, you don't know about my skills.
Decryption opens the files.
Now then, let's see what's so important.
Oh, nice.
- Too late, Robin. We're too late.
- Oh, I see why you wanted to keep this to yourself.
Oh, this file must be a page turner.
Mm, fascinating.
The Batman's personal case file dossiers
on all his colorful adversaries.
Look at this list of luminaries.
Well, there's Catwoman's file, and Mr. Freeze,
and, aha, there I am.
Oh, I'm so very curious what pedestrian insights
you've recorded during our spirited rival.
What the-- - What's the matter, Riddler?
- My file, it's puny.
1.2 gigs? Oh, that can't be right.
- Yeah, I regret you have to find out like this.
- It's like 1/5 the size of the Joker's file.
- Well, Joker is A-list.
- Oh, you can eat my ass, caped crusader.
I'm A-list all day long.
That clown is a hack comedian with a philosophy degree
from Gotham Community College!
- Not the general consensus
of law enforcement professionals, Riddler.
Sorry.
- I...but look at Mad Hatter!
He's literally just a crazy guy
who wears a [record skips] hat!
His file's twice the size of mine!
- The truth is, you just don't keep Gotham City up at night.
- That is a lie, a fat lie.
You're a pinhead liar, is what you--wait a minute.
Wait a minute, this--this file isn't even about me at all!
- That's right, Riddler.
While I was pretending to encrypt the dossiers,
I swapped the names on your file
with a two-bit nobody named Killer Moth.
- Killer Croc? - No, Killer Moth.
- Who the hell is Killer Moth!?
- He's an idiot, but you just blundered
into my ego trap.
What does that make you?
- So childish, you're an infant.
- I can always count on you
to judge a book by its cover, Riddler,
especially when the cover has your name on it.
Thanks, you gave me just enough time.
[electronic chime] - That is not possible.
There's no way you traced my-- - Have a look.
Now I'm in your mainframe, Riddler.
I see you've got a Cayman Islands account.
How original,
almost as original as Riddler debuting
well after a very famous Joker.
- Oh, you didn't just--
honestly, how dare you?
Riddles and jokes are
fundamentally different concepts.
- Let's drain those funds.
- Don't you do it.
[descending tones] - It's done.
Now, you can keep running your trace on the Batcave,
but I've moved on to deleting your entire data cache,
all your puzzles, all your riddles,
all your life's work.
It'll be gone by the time you find me.
- No, no, that's my art, you meat-headed clod!
- We have ourselves a game of chicken, Riddler.
Bail out or lose everything.
[contemplative tones]
- Oh-ho-ho, curse you, Batman!
You win again! [static]
- He withdrew! We've got control back.
- Computer, restore full security protocols.
Maximum encryption.
[electronic whirring]
- Wow, Batman. That was entirely too close.
He almost got in!
- He did get in, as far as I'm concerned.
Riddler's upped his game, and what's worse,
I chipped at his brittle ego without putting him down.
Look out.
He's going to be increasingly desperate
to seize the attention he craves.
- This book of riddles is in its final chapter.
How will it end?
That is the final riddle
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
[carnival music]
- He's got a laughy-daffy nose.
[honking]
- He's got floppy-whopper feet.
[squeaking]
- He's got car payments, people.
- Child support, take pity on the poor schmuck.
- He's Blabbo the birthday clown,
and none of the Joker stuff has anything to do with him.
How many ways can we say that? Well, here's one more.
Blabbo the birthday clown is running a special promotion.
He's knocking on random doors, and if he chooses your home,
you win a free party with Blabbo.
- So if you see an unfamiliar clown
poking around your neighborhood,
don't call the police.
Let him in. - It's probably just Blabbo.
- ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪
♪ He's a disillusioned clown ♪
♪ He went to college to be a clown ♪
♪ That used to count for something ♪
- Blabbo the birthday clown,
the only thing he'll kill is you!
With his antics.
There, that should fix things. - I think so.
[smooth music]
- Gotham, deception is just the tip of the iceberg.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
February 12th.
Hours away from the start of the Ice Age Gala,
and we rejoin our adventures in a darkened vault
deep in the chilly bowels of the Penguin's Iceberg Casino.
It is home to a grotesque accumulation
of gilded treasures and moth-eaten taxidermy,
the precious hoarded trash of a pampered fiend.
[combination lock clicking] - Almost...almost...
- She promised Two-Face she'd cause
a disruption at the gala to spite Oswald Cobblepot,
but Catwoman, secretly working
with ace reporter Vicki Vale
to bring down the mayor, is really here for the safe
she just...cracked.
[door creaks] - Baby.
[dials phone]
[line trilling]
Hey, Ms. Uptown. I'm in.
You were right, big fat envelope labeled Mayor Hill.
That's helpful.
Ready for the moment of truth? [papers shuffling]
It's documents, photos, scientific stuff.
There's a file, says "Ace Chemical"?
- Catwoman has just subdued 11 guards handpicked
from a paramilitary private security firm.
She deactivated countless silent alarms and laser grids
on the way to the Penguin's trove of lucre,
but this moment is the first this evening
that her pulse has quickened.
- What am I looking at?
Yes, that Ace Chemical,
the huge pharmaceutical conglomerate in the Narrows.
The mayor is helping them cover up something
called...Project Joy Cure?
What the hell is Project Joy Cure?
- [quacking laughter]
- Suddenly, the sharp snap of a switch,
and the room is bathed in harsh electric light.
- Well, well, Catwoman, looking for dirt on the mayor?
I little suspected you were the...political type.
- Catwoman's momentary surprise gives way to a smile.
- [chuckling]
- The Penguin has caught her red-handed,
but he is without his muscle-bound majordomo
Mr. Decondor or any other security.
- Well, I little suspected you were the masochistic type.
Shouldn't confront an intruder alone, Oswald,
single worst thing you can do in a home invasion.
Now take your beating like a man.
[knuckles crack] And I promise to punch
like a girl.
- Oh, Catwoman, please, don't move a muscle!
- I like to hear you beg, Oswald.
You're truly vile.
- No, I mean it, Catwoman.
You're just about to trip my burglar alarm.
- Ha, nice try.
Actually, no, it's not.
I took care of all your crummy burglar alarms.
And if that's the best you got, I should've robbed you a long--
[bird shrieks]
[crash] Ah! What the--
- To Catwoman's shock,
one monstrous specimen she took for dusty taxidermy
is actually a very live predator
with a razor beak and a 6-foot wingspan.
- [quacking laughter] Yes, Catwoman.
You took care of all the mechanical alarms.
[cackles] I thought you might.
That's why I let Ossipity nap in here.
[bird shrieking] [quacking laughter]
- Ugh, ow!
- She's a harpy eagle, old, not that vigilant,
but she's excessively mean.
That's all that really matters in life I find.
Come, Ossipity, to me!
- The massive bird wings its way to its master
who offers a morsel of goat kidney
from his oily palm.
- Good girl, Ossipity. [peck kisses]
- Catwoman picks herself off the ground slowly.
- Ugh, and I thought you were a hefty bird, Oswald.
- [squawks] What wit!
You know in tales of mighty myth,
a massive raptor much like this one
devoured the liver of poor Prometheus
every night while he watched.
Isn't that interesting?
And all he did was steal fire from the gods.
So when we're throwing out pitches for what to do to you,
Catwoman, the liver eating thing
is the idea to beat, all right?
Killer Croc owes me a favor.
- But just as Penguin advances with his taloned sentinel,
[coin jingles]
- Oh, Ozzy, that's a nice bird. [gunshot]
- Startled, the great eagle flies from the room
as Two-Face enters lowering a smoking gun barrel.
- Oh, no, it flew the coop.
So are we too late to get our ticket
for the Ice Age Gala?
- [grumbles] Two-Face! - Harvey, thank you.
You're just in time. - [laughs]
We ain't here to save ya, kitty-cat.
We'll deal with you later after him and us talk,
the bird who likes bombs.
- Now, Harvey, you're probably a bit peaked with me,
but don't go off half-cocked here.
- Oh, right, right, thanks. [cocks gun]
You gotta cock both barrels of this old beauty.
- [squawks] - Now then,
I didn't get the eagle,
but I think I can still score me a birdie.
- Now, Harvey, be reasonable! [objects clatter]
Please, I'm begging you!
- Not gonna consider a plea agreement
at this time, Penguin.
We nearly drowned.
- What do you want me to do, get on my knees?
I'm doing it, look!
[grunting]
Down on my knees.
Just--[groans] This is--[grunting]
I've gotten a tad husky.
Hold my umbrella, would you, Harvey, plea--
- Hey, what are you-- [umbrella stings]
- [quacking laughter] - Ahh!
What did you stick me with?
[objects clatter] - [cackles]
- The Penguin leaps to his feet with terrifying agility
for one so oily and gelatinous
as Two-Face feels the burning sting
of a puncture wound in his thigh.
- [labored breathing] - [quacking laughter]
He fell for the umbrella gig again!
[distorted voice] What a nitwit you are!
That's blowfish toxin, old boys!
You're going to get a little seasick, I believe.
- [grunting] - [imitates babbling]
[cackles] [heartbeat thumping]
- Indeed, Two-Face reels
but hefts his enormous firearm nevertheless.
[tense music]
- Still...gonna shoot ya. [cocking gun]
Bye-bye, birdie. [gunshots]
[glass shattering]
- Whoop, that's the chandelier.
Take a mulligan, Harvey, old boy,
and while you're teeing up, Harvey, I want you
to answer me honestly. - [grunting]
- This is something I have to know.
Do you in any way blame me
for what happened to your face?
- Eat lead. [gunshot]
- [squawks] Missed again!
Because in fairness,
I only paid to have you disfigured for life.
I got you losing your marbles for free.
[squawks] [objects thud]
- [groaning]
- Now, you're a legal type.
Since I only contracted the tragedy that ruined you,
really that's just white collar crime, isn't it?
Can we settle out of court? [squawks]
- Stay still. [gunshot]
- Stay still?
Harvey, I'm not moving, old boy.
You are. - [groans]
[gunshot]
- [laughs] Harvey, I haven't seen a worse shot
since I judged the "Gazette's"
teenage photography competition.
[laughs] Oh, I am saucy tonight.
[gun clicking] - Ah!
- And that is the sound of an empty revolver.
- Catwoman is-is getting away, you--
- Let her go.
She's getting away with nothing but an eyeful.
- Indeed, Catwoman is presently diving
off the casino's roof and into Gotham Harbor
per a hastily improvised escape plan.
But she escapes with nothing more than an address
and the enigmatic name Project Joy Cure.
- Why...are you doing this to us?
- You're dying to know, aren't you?
Well, I'll tell you.
You're a disaster, Harvey,
but somewhere in there is
an absolutely brilliant legal mind,
and I want it playing for my Iceberg organization.
- You think we're gonna work for you after what you--
- Not work for me, Harvey, with me.
I'm your biggest fan.
I respect you so much it makes me do looney things,
like hatch this plan to prove to you that you need me.
- What are you saying? I need you?
- Desperately.
Look how easily you're provoked.
I threatened to blow up a little import-export business,
and you fold like a $2 bill.
You need protection from yourself!
- [grunting]
- I propose an alliance,
a beautiful symbiosis, Harv.
I can benefit from your brilliant legal mind
while I help you stay out of your own way, literally.
- You wanna...team up?
- Precisely.
- Maybe, yeah, the coin.
The coin's been trying to tell us something.
I don't know what it wants.
- I'm certain it wants to get you the help you need, old egg.
You need me.
So what do you say, Harv, no hard feelings?
- Gotta...gotta ask the coin.
- Succumbing to the venom, Two-Face produces his talisman
and sends it spinning weakly.
- Good side.
Nope, no hard feelings.
- So are we partners?
- What do you say, coin? [coin tosses]
Good side.
Yep, you got it.
We're partners now, Ozzy.
We don't argue with the coin.
I gotta take a nap now.
Wake us up at... [body thuds]
- Sorry you'll sleep through the gala, Harv,
but you need your rest.
We have so much work to do running all of Gotham.
[laughs] Just you, and you, and me.
I can almost hear the criminal underworld
whispering fearfully already,
[whispering] "Penguin and Two-Face,
consolidated enterprises unlimited."
[cackling]
- You've heard the one about good intentions.
When Batman swapped Harvey's coin for a rigged fake,
his intention was to promote harmony
in the mind of a man at war with himself,
but in an unforeseeable twist of fate,
he is instead promoting harmony
between two master criminals.
What will this poisonous partnership yield?
More tales of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[line trilling]
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Gotham Harbor Cannery ♪
♪ Neptune's bounty in a can ♪
♪ Fresh from the sea ♪
♪ At one point in time ♪
- Thank you for calling the quality care line.
Your call is important to us
and will be answered in the order--
- Gotham Harbor Cannery quality care department,
this is Maurice.
- Well, hi there, Maurice. I'm Joe.
- It's my pleasure to assist you, Joe.
What's your problem?
- I got this number from the label on a large can
of chunk white tuna in oil, weighs about 2 pounds.
- I see, sir. Is it unsatisfactory?
- It's the Tasty Tony Tuna brand chunk white tuna,
the one with the cartoon fish on the label.
- I'm familiar with it, sir. Do you have an issue?
- Yeah, how am I supposed to feel
about this cartoon fish?
- What?
- Is that Tasty Tony himself?
Is he good with that nickname?
Does he even know what he's advertising?
I wouldn't think so.
He looks pretty happy on that label.
- Sir, I'm not certain what--
- Or maybe he's some kind of piscine psychopath.
Is that it?
Is Tasty Tony Tuna a mental deviant?
Look at him.
Is Tony getting off on me eating this fish?
- Sir, what is the nature of your complaint?
- Oh, no complaint.
I always call the phone numbers I find on cans.
- Sir, is the tuna fish not good?
- I don't know. I haven't opened it.
I'm just putting a couple of cans in a sock
to bludgeon you with if you're not cooperative.
I'm in a real hurry.
- What?
- Yeah, sorry, this is the Joker.
I'm coming down the hall.
[person screams, gunshots]
Your cannery has
a twin-spinning galvanized autoclave,
and I need to borrow it for the big show
I'm working up.
If I can sneak in a plug,
it's called Dark Purple Dawn.
It opens this Valentine's Day all over Gotham City.
See you real soon, Maurice.
If there's a survey after this call,
you'll get high marks.
- Oh, my Go-- [line disconnects]
- Ladies and gentlemen of Gotham City,
Oswald C. Cobblepot proudly welcomes you
to Gotham's glacier of glitz and glamor,
the Iceberg Casino, for the annual Ice Age Gala.
[upbeat piano music, tap shoes tapping]
- ♪ Won't you come along with me ♪
♪ Put on your finest finery ♪
♪ The Iceberg's throwing a soirée ♪
♪ In 1500 BC ♪
♪ It's the Ice Age Gala and it's freezing hot ♪
♪ We've got the oysters on the half shell ♪
♪ And the nickel slots ♪
♪ A prehistoric pachyderm is proudly served on the rocks ♪
♪ It's ten below, time for the show ♪
♪ Here's Mr. O. Cobblepot ♪
- What, what? No, no, cut!
No, cacophony!
No, stop the orchestra! [music stops]
You expect me to make my entrance
to that funeral dirge?
Girls, I'm begging you.
The guests start arriving in less than an hour,
and where are the smiles, girls?
The Cassowary Sisters trio I know has big bright smiles.
Yes, yes, yes, you miss your sister Midge.
We all miss Midge, but though we are a family,
this is a business,
and if you lack sufficient enthusiasm,
you will be sacked, just like Midge was.
And that's not the worst part, girls.
It gets really unpleasant when the sack comes off.
And it's nothing to stare at but the river
while they mix up cement. Told it's excruciating.
Look, you'll wish the sack was back on.
So smiles, everyone, smiles! From the top, please.
- [fearfully] Uh, Mr. Cobblepot, sir.
- [squawks] Finchley,
must you croak in my ear?
- I'm very sorry, Mr. Cobblepot.
[coughs]
- Take five, girls,
but I expect to see teeth tonight, my chickadees.
- Mr. Cobblepot, we have a problem.
Celeste Delmonico's RSVP was lost in the mail.
- The ping-pong ball lady?
Oh, I like the ping-pong ball lady.
- Well, she's coming, and there's no room.
- It's not a problem, Finchley.
- But we have not one seat left at the banquet.
The dining room is at capacity.
- I planned for something like this,
you sniveling prawn.
When the banquet begins, seat Ms. Delmonico at the bar,
and give her a crème de violette.
Tell her you'll return in ten minutes
and escort her to her choice of seats.
- But how?
- Give me the seating chart, you rancid smelt.
See here, I have set Judge Cheney
next to Frenchy Blake, you see?
- I-I--
- The judge is a fossilized old buzzard,
and he surely won't remember
he sent Frenchy to Blackgate. [quacking laughter]
But naturally, Frenchy hasn't thought of anything else
since a pound of butter cost a dime.
[tense music] Meanwhile, across the table,
Frenchy Blake doesn't know it,
but Maxie Zeus is busy playing footsie
with Mrs. Frenchy Blake... [woman crying]
With whom he's been dallying since poor Frenchy
went up the river.
So without fail,
Judge Cheney will raise Frenchy's ire.
[man growls] Frenchy will take
a swing at Judge Cheney. [blow lands]
Mrs. Blake will protest. - Don't!
- Frenchy will rebuke Mrs. Blake.
And Maxie Zeus will defend her honor.
One way or another,
either Maxie or Frenchy goes down in the scrum.
I've taken down a competitor, and as a bonus,
I've sent a bribe-resistant circuit judge
to Gotham General, et voilà!
The lovely and talented Celeste Delmonico
has her choice of seats inside ten minutes.
Was there anything else, Finchley,
you animate goose dropping? [squawks]
- No, I--that's all, Mr. Cobblepot, sir.
- Good, then get to work coordinating
with the chief of security.
See that he replace the men the Cat took out.
- Mm-hmm, I will! - You better.
The streets of this berg are positively crawling
with sanitarium escapees.
And this place looks like Gotham Central Station!
I mean, who are all these people?
- I'm all like, "What does he have to do with me?"
And he's all like-- - You, who are you?
What are you here for, young lady?
- Um, ice delivery?
- Oh-ho, the ice woman cometh, eh?
- What's cometh? Who says cometh?
- Why are you standing around aimlessly, young lady?
- I'm talking on the phone.
Like, I delivered your ice, which, you're welcome,
and then I had to make a call.
Is that, like, some terrible catastrophe for you?
- Wh-wh-what did you just say to me?
- Mr. Cobblepot, sir! - [dismayed squawking]
Finchley, again with the-- - I need you right away.
The caterer, he doesn't have the--do I have this right?
The sea elephant gonads, you discussed?
- What? That putrid sardine.
I promised gonads on toast!
By damnation, in one way or another,
I will have gonads on toast!
Get out of my way! [squawking, departing]
[crowd chatter]
- Anyway, sorry, Eddie.
You're so right. Penguin is agro.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah.
The special ice is delivered or whatever.
I didn't have any problem scoring it
from Scarecrow gang either.
Autumn says this one's free.
Then the next one's gonna cost us.
Oh, and Autumn says Scarecrow says hi.
I think you should call him, Ed.
You don't have any friends, and it's sad.
Like, get some friends,
and stop reading riddle books or whatever.
Eddie, it's, like, so easy to just not be weird.
Okay, what else? Oh, that's it.
Tuesday out. [line disconnects]
[lackluster carnival music]
- He's a remorseful clown. [high-pitched squawking]
- He's a contrite clown. [slide whistle descends]
- He's a "discontinuing a poorly thought out promotion"
clown. [wah-wah honking]
[together] He's Blabbo the birthday clown.
- And the best we can say is,
he doesn't get a lot of sleep living in his car,
so his judgment is not great.
- Of course you should call the police
if you see an unfamiliar clown poking around your home.
- It was irresponsible for Blabbo to suggest otherwise.
Blabbo will be immediately discontinuing this promotion.
- ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪
♪ There's no plan B, he'll die a clown ♪
♪ His father said don't be a birthday clown ♪
♪ The hateful old toad was right ♪
- Blabbo the birthday clown, he's defeated, okay?
Whatever happens to him next is your fault, people.
[smooth music]
- Gotham, watch your step on the red carpet.
The ambulance is on its way.
Time for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
The Iceberg Casino,
a semi-frozen engineering marvel afloat
in busy Gotham Harbor.
Tonight, it hosts the biggest of its trademark spectaculars,
the Ice Age Gala.
For this year's fête,
proprietor Oswald Cobblepot has acquired the world's
most complete woolly mammoth carcass
frozen in a titanic block of ice.
And tonight, he unveils it for a packed house.
The beautiful people of Gotham have turned out,
as has the insatiable press.
- Give me a level, Jack.
- [clears throat]
I'm Jack Ryder, Ryder.
I'm Jack Ryder live with Oswald Cobblepot.
Cobblepot, check one, two, check one.
- Got it. We're live in 30 seconds, boss.
- Thanks, Mickey.
You know, Mr. Cobblepot,
I consider myself a serious journalist,
not a gadabout, but I always love
covering your extravaganzas.
I'm not gonna lie, you are a heck of a gracious host.
- And you are a talented broadcaster, Mr. Ryder.
How do you like your whiskey?
- Well, I should wait until we wrap, but I'm no dummy.
Oswald C. offers you a snort from his private birdbath,
you, uh, you take it.
- I'll send you a case of the stuff.
Enjoy it with my compliments, Mr. Ryder.
Though, watch yourself with the bird business.
I'll assume this time it was the Kentucky sour mash talking.
- And we're on in four, three...
- Good evening, folks.
Jack Ryder live for Gotham City One.
I'm here at the fabulous Iceberg Casino
for Oswald Cobblepot's spectacular Ice Age Gala.
The wait staff are decked out like kooky cavemen.
Ice sculptures are everywhere.
And here with me is the man himself,
the fella with the umbrella,
looking as dapper as always,
Mr. Cobblepot.
- [quacking laughter] You're a flatterer, Mr. Ryder.
I always try to look best for my city.
- Now, it's Gotham City's worst kept secret
that under that enormous drop cloth
is a strange visitor from prehistoric times?
- Really, and wherever did you hear that?
- Well, a little birdie told me.
- [squawks] What? - And security is high.
Folks, we're joined by Gotham City Police Commissioner
James Gordon. Commish,
are you expecting trouble tonight?
- Well, Mr. Cobblepot is a prominent businessman--
- Prominent legitimate businessman.
- And there are always threats phoned in to an event this big,
but my men are on the scene,
and the Batman is patrolling the harbor
in his personal watercraft.
Everyone's quite safe here tonight.
- That's great, Commissioner.
I have no reason to think you're lying,
but be straight with me and the people of Gotham.
Why are you leading us all naked and screaming
to the Joker's killing floor?
- I'm sorry, what you talking? - Tell us the truth.
Isn't the Joker going to grab every one of us
by the ankles and dunk us over and over into a sucking pit
of madness until we beg for the privilege
of a gun barrel in our mouths?
- What's wrong with you?
What does the Joker have to--
- He has everything to do with everything!
Why haven't you people caught him?
Isn't that why I pay my taxes?
He's just out there, and no one seems to care!
Oh, oh, my God, was that laughter?
Oh, did you hear? Is he here?
Is the Joker here? - Get ahold of yourself, man.
This is live TV. - [uneasy, soft laughing]
- Somebody help this man. He's convulsing with fear.
- Commissioner, we have a serious situation.
- Robin, what's going on? - Robin's here?
I knew it. He's after the Joker.
Someone out there call the military!
The Joker may be on the premises!
- He's assisting me with security, Ryder.
What's wrong with him, Robin?
- He's been dosed with low-potency Scarecrow drugs.
- Scarecrow drugs?
We screened the entire--
- It's trace amounts in the ice cubes,
inert until it combines with alcohol.
- Well, then everybody here-- - Every single person
who's had a drink from the bar tonight
is gonna start experiencing a low-grade panic attack.
- Well, it doesn't get any worse
than a mass poisoning from Scarecrow drugs.
- Oh, my God, folks, I am just getting word
that a cruise ship is about to collide with the casino!
[foghorn blares] - Did he say cruise ship?
- What's gonna collide with the casino?
- Why does it matter? We're all gonna die!
[people screaming] - Well, I stand corrected.
It can get much worse.
- Get the camera on the harbor, Mickey, for God's sake!
Get the camera on the harbor! Oh, dear Lord, it's true!
Look at that ship!
[foghorn blaring, objects clattering]
- Suddenly, the loudspeakers on the massive ship
crackle to life.
[high-pitched crackling] - What's this,
a runaway Gotham star liner about to hit an iceberg
and kill a bunch of wealthy snots?
Riddle me this:
How would one describe the scale
of such a maritime disaster?
Would one say colossal,
gargantuan, gigantic?
Help me out, folks.
I'm trying to work around copyright laws here.
- It's mayhem here at the Iceberg Casino.
The woolly mammoth is being forklifted out of here.
Cavemen are stampeding.
Some or all of this might be hallucinations
because I'm apparently tripping hard.
But one thing's not a hallucination.
This reporter's getting the hell out of here
before the Joker seeds inside me
grow into tiny Jokers and then all the tiny Jokers
crawl out of my mouth and chew my face off.
I'm Joke Ryder, Joker City One.
[crowd screaming]
- Stay tuned for the latest developments
in this ongoing story
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
To be continued.
[uneasy music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Ike Barinholtz, Rosario Dawson, Heidi Gardner, John Leguizamo,
Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell, Paula Pell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, Pete Schultz, Brent Spiner,
Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk, Melissa Villaseñor, Ray Wise,
Anna Crowe, Erica Phillips, Rosie Phillips,
Tony Phillips, Zoe Phillips.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements are
trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪