- Blue Ribbon Content presents:
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[TV dial clicks, upbeat music plays]
[click] - Chance of flurries tonight,
and the crime advisory not expected
to dip below bright orange till after the--
[click, piano music plays]
- The International Children's Goodwill Assembly,
uniting children around the world
with goodwill internationally.
[click] - ♪ The day breaks violently ♪
♪ Dark purple shadows long ♪
[click, dramatic music plays]
- Ahh! What is that thing?
- A freak, an abomination,
a tasteless joke told by nature.
His mother named him Waylon Jones,
but he had a face even she couldn't love
and a twisted soul to match.
Now Gotham City knows him as the sewer-dwelling flesh-eater
called Killer Croc.
[echoing] - Killer Croc!
- And he is at large to prey on the innocent.
- [growls]
- 18 months ago, Killer Croc was released
from Arkham Asylum,
given a job as a dishwasher in the Narrows,
declared rehabilitated, and maybe he was
until dinnertime rolled around.
- [growls]
[people screaming]
- Why is this fiend at liberty under our streets?
Who supported the furlough program
that set Waylon "Killer Croc" Jones free
to eat that poor knitting club?
Who turned him loose on that retirement home?
Councilman Garland Borkley, and now he wants to be mayor?
Does Gotham really need a mayor
who's soft on cannibalism of the elderly?
This election day, send Garland Borkley a message.
Vote Hamilton Hill.
He doesn't care what anyone says;
eating people is wrong, no matter how old they are.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Hamilton Hill the man for our times ♪
♪ The man for our town ♪
- ♪ Ooh, Hamilton Hill the man for our times ♪
- ♪ And he's strongly against consuming your fellow man ♪
- ♪ Ooh, Hamilton Hill, Hamilton Hill ♪
♪ The man for our times ♪
- Remember, folks, a vote for Borkley is a vote
for Nana getting eaten alive by a crocodile guy.
I'm Hamilton Hill, and I approve this mess--
[static]
[smooth music]
- Gotham City, skyscraper teeth bite at a red moon.
Join us now for a tale of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
February 10th.
As Valentine's Day approaches, a dead man's grin seems to wax
in the night sky like a Cheshire Cat's.
Just four days remain
until the Joker's latest murderous theatrical
is to be staged citywide.
Meanwhile, the Riddler grows frustrated with his failure
to capture the public imagination,
and his frustration gives rise to evermore violent plays
for attention.
In Gotham's underworld, seismic upheaval
as the Penguin is engaged in all-out war
with his gangland adversary, a badly deteriorating Two-Face,
who has just barely survived a plunge into Gotham Harbor.
We rejoin our adventures out at the abandoned zoo
on Amusement Mile.
In the renovated House of Large Cats,
Catwoman spends a rare quiet evening at home.
Whilst reclining on a luxurious divan
amid hoards of stolen loot,
two strange figures in monks' robes
usher in an arrival.
- Goddess, Goddess! - Goddess.
Goddess of the silver astral mystery,
you have a visitor.
- Uh, hi, Catwoman.
I'm sorry to show up unannounced.
- Vicki Vale, "Gotham Gazette."
Thank you, Nephra. Thank you, Setka.
That's all.
- The moon is hung in the heavens for you, Goddess.
- Your glorious dawn shall be the full moon, my goddess!
- Um, what are those guys?
Are they, like--are those guys, like, priests or something?
- Acolytes, they worship me.
- They what? - It's a long story.
The short version is,
I stole this atrociously adorable amulet,
and don't you know, a cult of cat worshippers
came along with it. [chuckles]
As long as I wear this necklace,
those two cue balls are convinced
I'm the cat goddess Nephrashazaradbaba.
- Well, isn't that something? [laughs softly]
- I don't have the heart to set 'em straight,
and I don't really do henchmen, so you know,
this is nice. [door creaks]
- Your glorious dawn shall be the full moon, my goddess!
- See? [chuckles] Nice.
Copy that, Nephra. So what's up, sister?
Should've called first.
I like you, but I don't really have an open door policy.
- Well, I don't really have a door,
so my options are limited right now.
- Whoa, is that luggage? Like, is all that your luggage?
[laughs] Oh, don't tell me...
- Yeah, evicted.
I don't know how, but Mayor Hill is on to me.
the loss of my rent-controlled loft is the least of it.
My sources on the street are clamming up.
He's spending a lot to keep people quiet.
- I feel for you,
but you don't think you're moving in here, do you?
- I guess not. Come on, Gracie.
[cat meows]
We'll try to find a pet-friendly fleabag.
- The beleaguered journalist
hefts her collected worldly belongings.
- Seriously? Is that a cat carrier?
- What, this? This is Gracie.
Sorry if she disturbed you. She's 15.
I'd ditch her, but Gracie and I are kind of inseparable.
I found her half-starved in a storm drain
in the middle of war-torn Santa Prisca.
I smuggled her out of the country,
and we've been together ever since.
Let's go, Gracie.
- [sighs] Darn it.
I got a pretty serious weakness in my defenses.
Does everyone know that about me?
Fine, Gracie and you can stay
just for a little while.
- Thanks, Catwoman.
I owe you, not that you're hard up.
Good grief, did you steal all this stuff?
Look at this place.
- Ugh, don't. It's a dump.
But I'm working on it.
I want to get this waterfall running again,
and I'm seeing a lot of Italian marble
and Chinese silk in my future.
- Is this a Georgia O'Keeffe? - I don't know.
I just like dirty pictures.
- You have good taste, lots of it.
But I can't imagine choosing to live way out here.
You're a brave woman. - How's that?
Well, isn't your closest neighbor the homicidal comedian
down the road at the old funfair?
- Oh, I'm not so afraid of the clown.
Little known fact, when you go to the circus,
it's the lion tamer you gotta watch out for.
[tiger growls] Come here, sweetie.
- Holy safari, Catwoman. Tiger tamer, you mean.
I hope they're friends of yours.
- That's just Dagger, and here comes Shank.
My new girlfriends.
I recently liberated them from a ding-dong
with a sword gimmick named King Scimitar.
They're the reason for the present luxurious surroundings
and the reason why I'm rounding up a pile
of fast cash to spruce up the place.
[Joker laughing]
And you know, to put some new locks on the doors.
Just a single girl and her cats living alone after all.
- Well, I'm sorry to disturb your peace,
but I'm not sure Mayor Hill will stop
at just inconveniencing me.
He sends leg-breakers after his leg-breakers.
- Listen, don't you think we should drop this whole thing?
Hill's got his reelection locked up,
which means he's got a lot of free back rubs
coming to him from the criminal underworld.
We can't get at him,
not with this Killer Croc scandal
torching Councilman Borkley in the press.
- Well, unless a bigger scandal knocks it off the front page.
- You got one handy?
- The Joker was released from Arkham
almost six months ago,
and sure, he's kept a low profile,
but he hasn't exactly stopped murdering people.
You ever wonder why he gets to live such a quiet life?
- Say I did.
What's your investigative insight, Scoop?
- There's evidence Mayor Hill is deliberately keeping
the heat off Joker.
- Get out. - I'm serious.
- Well, Joker's killed a lot of people
over the last five years.
And the mayor is looking the other way?
Even seen-it-all Gotham City won't let that slide.
But for heaven's sake, why?
What's in it for him to let the Joker do his sick thing?
- I don't know, but together, we can get the whole story.
- Great, lead the way.
- It's in Penguin's safe at the Iceberg Casino.
- Ha, oh, okay. We're not being serious.
- No, I'm serious.
Penguin knows everything,
and blackmail over this Joker business is what
keeps the mayor dancing Penguin's jig.
- That's so interesting.
Where else you headed tonight, Mars, Atlantis,
Paradise Island?
- I thought you were a cat burglar.
- And what does that mean to you exactly?
Someone who can walk through walls,
melt solid steel,
and take point-blank machine gun fire
while being viciously insulted? [chuckling]
Nobody robs the Penguin, sweetie.
That's why he's the Penguin.
- Well, that's the way to bring Hamilton Hill down.
- Suddenly, an idea is born, and it's twins.
- Wait, Harvey Dent, Two-Face.
- Two-Face? - He's got resources I don't.
He runs an entire criminal syndicate
second only to the Penguin's, whose guts he hates.
All I got is these two coconuts.
- Goddess, Goddess! - Goddess, Goddess.
- Goddess, I have iced nectarines
and sugared lemon rinds.
- And I shall lie here should you wish your perfumed feet
not to touch the ground when you rise.
- Uh-huh, that's tops, guys.
See, I hear Harvey doesn't just have an ax to grind
with the bird,
he's got the rock to grind it on.
I might be able to work with that.
Just gonna say it once though,
this is a whole lot of illegal you're talking about,
Miss Uptown, crimes up to and including inciting a riot.
[chuckles] Think you can hang?
- Catwoman, I break the law in this crooked town all the time.
The end of the night, I sleep just fine
'cause when my head hits the pillow,
there's a little more truth in this rotten city
than there was when I woke up.
Don't worry about me, Catwoman. I can hang.
- Hm, game on, "Gotham Gazette."
Now, let me give you a hand with that luggage.
- Oh, no, no, no, no need. Don't disturb the cat.
She's probably--
- There's a name and address on this cat carrier.
It isn't yours.
- Okay, the cat's my neighbor's.
- [chuckles] I should've known.
- I pulled the fire alarm at my building,
and I took the cat when everyone--
- You sociopath.
A storm drain in war-torn Santa Prisca?
- Hey, I'm pretty sure I fed her for a weekend once.
- Inseparable? - You would've said no.
I'm gonna give her back. I'm not a monster.
- Her name's not even Gracie. This says Gertie.
- Gertie, gah! That's it.
Ugh, that was on the tip of my tongue.
♪ ♪
- In an urban jungle of crime,
the zoo is a refuge from the wild savagery.
Such inversions are common
amidst "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Gotham Daily Quick Pick ♪
♪ Mega Power Draw Lotto ♪
♪ This time you're definitely gonna win ♪
- Good evening, Gothamites.
It's time for your lucky lotto drawing for the night.
And here come those ping-pong balls
wheeled out to us by the lovely Celeste Delmonico.
Thank you, Celeste. Get your tickets ready.
We're just about to--
[gunshots, people scream]
- Shush, I'm making an entrance.
Ladies and gentlemen of Gotham City,
put your hands together for the commissar of conundrums,
the Julius Caesar of devious teasers,
the one and only artist of crime,
the Riddler!
[laughing] [applause track playing]
- What is that? Who's doing that?
- Hey, thank you, thank you, people.
Hey, diddle-diddle, the bat and the riddle.
How's everybody doing tonight, huh?
- What is all this-- - Oh, it's not obvious?
You're all hostages.
Ms. Tuesday, if you please. [gun cocks]
- All right, so put your hands up and everything.
[gunshot, body thuds]
- What the--he put his hands up, Ms. Tuesday.
So why'd you shoot him?
- I don't know, I guess I didn't say I wouldn't.
- Well, no you didn't, but usually...
never mind.
You have your process.
Well, good evening, Gotham City.
I'm Eddie Nygma,
that world-famous artist of crime
also known as the Riddler.
[laughs]
And this, this is my lovely assistant Ms. Tuesday.
[whistles] - Ugh.
- So do get your tickets ready, ladies and germs,
'cause it's showtime, all right?
Celeste Delmonico, pumpkin... - [sobbing]
- Go ahead and tumble those ping-pong balls, will you?
I know you're scared, but this is live TV, okay?
They pay you to crank, so crank.
And the first number is... [balls bouncing]
we have a nine!
The first number is nine.
Ms. Tuesday, would you do the honors, please?
- Ugh, this is lame.
- You said you wanted to do this.
You insisted we do this. - You wish I insisted.
- Oh, no, you said you wanted to do it.
- I didn't say I wanted to do it.
I said you shouldn't do it. - And what, why not?
- Uh, because you're a cringe fest?
Look, I'll just do it. I don't even care.
Say it again. Read the ball.
- The first number is nine.
- Engine, engine number nine, running down old Gotham line.
If the train should jump the track,
do you want your money back?
- There we go.
Oh, boy, this sure sounds like trouble
with the number nine train, doesn't it?
But hold on, there's more. Go ahead, Celeste.
It's a crank. You turn it.
Don't just stand there letting your nose run.
- [sobbing] [balls bouncing]
- See, Ms. Tuesday? This is fun.
This is the artistic part.
Without this part, we're just criminals, see?
- Whatever. - You're having fun.
The next number is five.
Ooh, what do we have for five?
- Engine, engine number five, none on board is left alive.
As it barrels towards a ditch,
who will throw the dead man's switch?
- Ooh, the five, too. That's just ominous.
Next is number three.
- Engine, engine number three accelerates aggressively.
Ahead a light comes into view. Is that engine number two?
- Uh-oh, that sounds like a head-on collision.
Well, folks, your winning numbers are--
oh, we're not done?
Then where are we going, Celeste Delmonico?
[gunshots, people gasp]
Get back here, you nut.
Trying to crawl away. Hang in there.
I know you got one more in you.
Round and round she goes,
and finally, we got...
the loneliest number, one.
- Engine, engine number one. The engineer has got a gun.
If he shoots the brakeman dead,
can Batman stop the train instead?
Okay, that one was my favorite.
- Oh, you like that one? - It was decent.
- See? I told you.
I told you I was cool.
- Oh, my God, just no.
- Once again, the winning number is 9-5-3-1.
What do you win? That would be telling.
The good news is, you're all holding the winning ticket.
Good night and good luck, Gotham City.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Gotham Daily Quick Pick ♪
♪ Mega Power Draw Lotto ♪
♪ This time you're definitely gonna win ♪
[smooth music]
- Gotham, the city is an urban artery opened lengthwise.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
In the pitch-black wee hours of the new day,
after-hours at his favorite restaurant,
Osteria Mezzaluna, sits Two-Face,
his wits decomposing rapidly.
He is beginning to suspect his only friend has been lying
to him.
- [tossing coin]
Good side. - Good side.
- [exhales sharply] Good side. - Ugh!
What are you trying to do to us, coin?
14 in a row, that's a new record.
That's not normal.
That's not-- - Please, Signore Dent.
You pace so much. Sit down.
I get you some nice pelle pitone two ways.
Maybe a nice double martini?
[slams table] - Is it dinnertime, Vincenzo?
You know we eat dinner exactly at 2:22 a.m. every night!
How hard is that to remember?
- So sorry, excuse. Excuse, Signore Dent.
- Something weird going on, Vincenzo.
We think we might be going crazy.
- Oh, how can you say this, Signore Dent?
Two-Face crazy?
This is such a silly idea
that's never occurred to Vincenzo.
- Our coin, Vincenzo.
I just flipped 14 good sides in a row, 14.
Does that seem right to you, Vincenzo?
[bell rings, door opens] - Evening, Two-Face.
Sounds like you need change for that dollar.
- Cat. Hey, Vincenzo.
You let in a stray. Nothing here for you, kitty.
Now shoo. - Okay, I'll hang out.
Geez, Harvey, both of your yous look terrible.
IS this because of the Penguin?
I heard you two were fussing and feuding.
- Well, you know, he burned my face off
with a trick umbrella, so no, we're not too close.
- That's ancient history.
I'm talking about this last round of horseplay.
I'm not the hall monitor,
but I'm pretty sure I heard Penguin started it,
and now you're letting him get to you.
If Oswald Cobblepot is living in your head now, too,
it's gotta be crowded in there.
- And just where are we supposed to go
to get the Penguin off of our mind, huh, toots?
Whole stinking town's talking about his tacky gala.
- Ugh, it's so tedious. Ice Age this and Ice Age that.
- Big deal, bunch of idiots showing up to gawk
at one of them--whatchu call--hairy elephants,
you know, what's the-- from the caveman times.
- Woolly mammoth is what he's trying to say.
- [slams table] Are you making fun of me,
college boy?
- Long story short, we'd delight in seeing some egg
on that bird's face tomorrow night.
- Interesting, what's your play?
- We don't got a play.
- You're just gonna let him preen all night
in front of Gotham's toniest?
Disappointing, you two.
Seems like a prime opportunity
for some humiliating criminal vandalism.
- We tried to shut him down and tie him up in court,
but he got loose. [tossing coin]
- Bird sees us coming now. Too much heat, too risky.
- [chuckles] Well, sure it is, for your operation.
What, Bob and Bub are gonna pull off that job?
- Okay, get lost, kitty-cat.
Vincenzo, you got a laser pointer or spray bottle?
See if you can get this puss to vamoose.
- You're not using your imagination, Harvey.
You want to send Penguin home
with a limp in his waddle, yeah?
You know how good I am at what I do.
I could do it for you. - Oh, is that so?
Like do what?
- What do you think happens when you let a cat
into the birdcage?
- A moment passes,
then two voices ring out in laughter.
- [laughs] - [laughs]
You know what, puss? We love it.
- [chuckles] Doesn't that sound fun?
- We're definitely interested.
Vincenzo, a chair for the kitty.
And get her anything else she wants,
a saucer of milk or something.
- Ugh, I'm so tired of that joke, Harvey.
You can't possibly know.
I cannot sit down where drinks are served
without hearing that gasser.
- [laughs] That's 'cause it's funny
because cats like milk.
Anyways, we're guessing you want access.
- We can get keycards and disarm codes
to the Iceberg Casino.
And we can get a copy of the security protocol,
but you're going to have to put on a show.
- Oh, you'll get two cartoons, two newsreels,
and a double feature.
- Deal.
- Now all that's left is to discuss my fee.
- Your fee?
I thought you said this was for fun.
- I said it'd be fun. It's not for fun.
I'm obviously not gonna do it for free, dumb-dumb.
- Hey, who's dumb?
- We're giving you the keys to a casino full of mob loot.
That's not adequate compensation?
Do the job
and you take whatever you want on your way out.
- Ha-ha, you want demolition and mayhem
and a humiliating spectacle.
I'm not getting out of there with anything
but my nine lives, gruesome, best case.
- Bah. - [chuckles]
And you've proved my point.
You don't know this business, and you do need my help.
Guess what? It's not free or cheap.
- Neither would say it,
but both of Two-Face sees the wisdom in this.
- We'll pay you 20 large
if you really deep-fry the Penguin's gizzard.
- No, no, no.
You want me to go pants the Penguin
at his big bar mitzvah, you'll double that, minimum.
You know how to double things, right, Harv?
- You're crazy, lady.
You're out there where the busses don't stop.
- We won't do it. $20,000's the offer.
- Okay, you drive a hard bargain, Mr. Harvey Two-Face.
$20,000 it is.
I know you're very particular about numbers.
Now then, it's almost 2:22 a.m. Let's eat.
- We're in business. [snaps]
Vincenzo, bring us a double cut pork chop,
burned on one side.
- Uh, pink on the other side with two twice-baked potatoes.
- A double scoop of chocolate chocolate chip.
- And a couple fingers of two roses rye.
- You can just say the usual, Signore.
- No, Vincenzo, we can't. That's the whole problem.
Anyways, just bring Ms. Catwoman whatever
she'd like.
- Thanks, Harvey. Gee, what do I want?
I guess I'll start with a three-bean salad.
["three" echoes] - Wait, wait, how many beans?
- And a four-cheese pizza. - What are you doing?
- Say, can you do a five-alarm chili?
[numbers echoing] - You-you shouldn't do that.
- You're ruining our appetite!
- Then a half-dozen oysters. - [groaning softly]
- And finally, seven-layer cake for dessert.
- That's...that's cute,
all them ugly numbers.
- I'm hungry.
- Nice try, but it won't work.
The price is firm, $20,000.
- You both agree with that?
- We're not [grumbles]... we're not paying you more money
to change your dinner order.
- $20,000, final offer.
- Loud and clear, Harvey.
Vincenzo, my good man,
Thousand Island dressing on the three-bean salad
and a 7 and 7 with a float of triple sec.
- Vincenzo, don't bring any of that junk to our table.
It's...making us queasy just thinking about it.
- Okay then, if you prefer,
just put a dozen cookies in a box
with about 75 pounds of tri-tip for my cats,
and I'll be off.
- Ah, can't take this right now.
- A thousand pardons, Harvey.
I'll just 23 skidoo.
- Okay, okay, please, this is our nightmare.
- We'll pay whatever you want. Just cut it out.
Please, please, just bring us back to two.
Bring us back to two. Bring us back to two.
[echoing stops] - Cancel that order, Vincenzo.
On second thought, I'll have what they're having.
Congratulations, Harvey.
For the price of $20,000 times two,
you just melted Penguin's ice.
- Cat versus bird,
who will prevail in this classic conflict?
Victory can mean many things when dealing
with "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[phone ringing, classical music playing]
- Finally, the caterer! [quacking laughter]
It's about time, you culinary cretin.
Where are my gonads?
- I--what?
No, Mr. Cobblepot, this is--
- I ordered 12 pounds
of peeled and poached sea elephant gonads,
and if the ambassador from Santa Prisca isn't
enjoying them on Melba toast
tomorrow evening... - Okay--
- You're going to be
the only caterer in town... - Sir--
- Who takes all of his own meals through a tube!
[cackles]
- Uh, Mr. Cobblepot, sir, I-I'm not the caterer.
It's Mayor Hamilton Hill, sir.
- [squawks] Huh? Mayor Hi--what?
What are you doing calling me on my personal line, Hill?
Have you gone barking mad?
I've got a gala tomorrow night I'm trying to coordinate.
- No, no, no, I know, sir, and trust me, I am so sorry.
I-I just thought that you should know something.
I've got a lot of heat on me right now.
- Oh, really, Hill? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, let me cry you the blue Nile.
That's what you get for being a gutless stooge.
- Well, no, no, sir, but it's real pressure,
Mr. Cobblepot, like Vicki Vale,
"Gotham Gazette" pressure, yeah.
- [quacks irately] Vicki Vale.
- And I gotta warn you, sir, that she knows
you've got the goods on me and that it's in your safe,
and I know she wants it.
- Well, thank you, Mr. Mayor,
but you realize you're warning the whale
about a piece of krill.
Vicki Vale is not getting into my safe,
you dissipated dunce.
- Of-of course not.
[laughs uncomfortably] She never could.
But I just thought--well,
Catwoman might be helping her.
[chuckles nervously] Um,
Mr. Cobblepot?
Sir, are you still there? [line beeping]
- [squawks irately]
That's my caterer on the other line, Hill.
We'll discuss this later
at your nearest inconvenience.
- Yes, sir, Mr. Cobblepot, and again--
[line disconnects] Sorry about calling--hello?
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city built with bricks and glass,
and bullets and bombs.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
At the headquarters of the Gotham City Police Department
in a small basement office
are the fearless men and women of the bomb disposal unit.
The grunt work is done by three bomb squad detectives
known affectionately as Team TNT.
[phone ringing] - Tyson, Terrigan.
- What's the word, Neaves? - That was Gordon on the phone.
They found yet another riddle box.
This one's on a number five elevated,
just like he said at the lotto drawing.
- Fricking Eddie Nygma.
Why won't that guy take a half day ever?
- Box is big. It's the same general
configuration as the boxes discovered on the one
and the three trains. This is tough.
Somebody's gotta take the lead on this,
and I just want to say--
- Detective Neaves looks at her colleagues
with the grim responsibility to tell them she is--
- Not it, totally called not it.
It's Tyson's turn.
- Ah, yes, it would be, but it is not
on account I traded my next riddle box
for Terrigan's next Scarecrow bomb.
- How did I lose that one?
Scarecrow guy's on the street,
and riddle guy was locked up in the rubber motel.
- Eh, you bet against the wizard of crime, Terrigan.
- Nah, he calls himself, like,
the commodore of crime, I'm pretty sure.
Wait, is it Captain Crime? - Who, Riddler?
It's the maestro of vice or something stupid.
And it ain't important right now, okay?
Game faces, people. Riddle box.
I don't want my tombstone to read,
"He was decapitated by a question mark," you know?
That's not a good death.
- Hey, speaking of not good death,
you see that Joker vic they pulled out
of the harbor this morning,
that Polish guy? - [groaning] Yeah.
- Great day in the morning, was that once a person?
- Why, Tyson, why do we gotta talk about the clown right now?
- I don't know, Neaves.
Word is, even the Batman doesn't know exactly what
he's up to for Valentine's Day, and that's not good.
- Yeah, man, I'd trade two Scarecrow bombs,
a riddle box, and anything the freeze guy's got
for taking one Joker package off my hands.
- Yeah, at least you know the Scarecrow's gonna be scary,
and Mr. Freeze is gonna be cold.
No telling what's in the Joker package.
- Could be anything.
It's gonna be whatever he thinks is funny
on that particular day.
Let me tell you a Joker joke.
[suspenseful music]
You guys didn't overlap with Sergeant Meeks, did you?
He had the pleasure of dealing with one
of the very first Joker packages
this crew had to deal with. - Sure, about five years ago.
- Now, back then we knew the clown was dangerous,
but we didn't know how he operated.
So Meeks takes point,
gets the purple box open, and it's a bomb, sure enough,
but a bomb like you never seen. [bomb hissing, beeping]
I mean, this thing looks like a ray gun crossed
with a time machine crossed with a whoopie cushion.
It makes no sense.
About the only thing Meeks recognizes is
a cell phone detonator.
- Well, someplace to start at least.
- Yeah, except then it rings. Meeks thinks he's dead.
Btu it's not even a detonator. It's just a cell phone.
Somebody on the other end wants to have a conversation.
[Joker laughing] - Was it him?
- It's him. It's the Joker.
They chat a while, pretty normal stuff, considering.
Joker says he finds Meeks interesting,
wants to know more about a man who chooses
to disarm bombs for a living.
What does he value?
So he says he'll trade deactivation instructions
for Meeks' home address.
- Oh, no way. Oh, no way!
What do you do?
- Well, Meeks about flips 'cause this thing is gonna
take out a city block in a few minutes.
But then again, his three kids
are at home alone. [children laugh]
In the end, he agrees. He's gotta.
He gives the Joker his address.
The Joker tells him what wires to cut.
- He was shooting straight?
- It was a complicated bit of business,
but it's on a level.
Meeks deactivates the bomb. [wires snap]
Then the Joker just says
"expect the unexpected" and hangs up.
Meeks rushes straight home. It takes him forever.
Thank God the kids are all right.
- Yes, thank God.
- But they say they had a visit from the nicest clown.
- Oh, I don't like this.
- "The clown left us a present. Can we open it, Daddy?
The clown said to wait until you got home."
Sure enough, there's another purple box
on the kitchen counter, just like the first one.
- What the hell does he do?
- Of course he grabs the kids, and they are out of there.
He's on the next flight to stay with his sister in Co-city.
- Man, I'da gone to planet Krypton.
- So he lands over in Co-city, gets off the plane.
He's cranky 'cause the kids are horribly airsick.
And there's a million messages waiting for him from the team.
- Oh, no. - "Come back, come back."
Everyone is begging him
to come straight back to Gotham City.
They got the package open, and you know what's inside?
Little tiny bottle with three pills in it
and a handwritten note on a purple card.
- What?
What did the-- - Two words.
It said "the antidote."
- Oh, f-- - Yep.
Joker had poisoned his three little kids,
but he left Meeks the antidote
to administer to save their lives.
All Meeks had to do was open the box.
"Expect the unexpected."
Of course Meeks didn't get back from Co-city in time.
He's in Arkham Asylum now. - Oh, man.
- That's the clown's idea of funny, Neaves.
Anyway, let's go.
Gonna be a long day. Three riddle boxes, you know?
Even so, I'd trade three riddles
for one joke in this town any day.
[pensive music]
- They say laughter is the best medicine,
but it turns out medicine is even better medicine.
This humorous jape is brought to you
by the perverse comedian performing every night
on the stage of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[on mic, echoing] - This Saturday
at Gotham's fabulous Iceberg Casino,
Oswald Cobblepot invites you to return to the Ice Age.
[mammoth roars, trumpets]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
[tap shoes tapping]
- ♪ The party started back a couple ages ago ♪
♪ When the neighborhood was nothing ♪
♪ But the ice and the snow ♪
♪ She was a proud pachyderm out shaking her trunk ♪
♪ But they encased her in a glacier ♪
♪ And we carved out a hunk ♪
♪ She's a mammoth mama, she's a gala gal ♪
♪ See her frozen patoot, win a pile of hot loot ♪
♪ At the Iceberg Lounge, go and tell your pals ♪
♪ It's the night we call the smoking hot ♪
♪ RSVP to Cobblepot ♪
- The Ice Age Gala this Saturday
at the Iceberg Casino,
afloat in the center of Gotham Harbor.
Tickets are sold out, but how bad do you want them?
Maybe we can work something out.
[suave music]
- Gotham, a city where the abyss dares not gaze back.
Join us for a tale of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
Deep in the calciferous depths of the cavernous Batcave,
the Batman is joined at the console of the Batcomputer
by his young protégé, the Boy Wonder.
- How was school? - Ugh, still can't stand it.
Want to run away and rejoin the circus.
- I sympathize, but Alfred is not homeschooling you.
Public education built this country.
Here, have a look at this.
Batcomputer, gamma four gamma epsilon.
Index 12.2.1. [electronic beeping]
Thank you, noted.
I'll recode your software to compensate.
What do you see here, Robin? - Citywide chaos.
It looks like the Riddler show is back for season whatever.
Man, that guy is thirsty. What's the latest?
- Of the four trains Riddler threatened
during the lotto drawing,
only one was a legitimate danger to civilians.
15 people were hurt, none seriously.
When engine number nine did indeed jump the track--
- And did they? - Excuse me?
- Want their money back?
- Not now, Robin, please. I was up all night.
Riddle boxes were found on the three remaining trains
Riddler mentioned at stations in the Chemical District.
Here.
- Sionis Plaza, Ace Chemical, and the "Gotham Gazette."
Anybody get hurt there?
- Not from the riddle boxes, thankfully.
GCPD bomb squads are getting them open as we speak,
but I fully expect the contents to be harmless,
preening and condescending but harmless.
- How can you be sure?
- The Riddler's pathological arrogance compels him
to forewarn of his crimes in advance, Robin.
It's not a challenge for him otherwise.
Those train stations aren't his targets.
They're his signed confession
of the crime he's about to commit.
- He commits crimes to hype his other crimes too?
Did this guy steal the Joker's whole act?
- He's very sensitive about that accusation, but yes.
Now look at the locations, Robin.
Gazette, Ace, Sionis--G.A.S.
He's announcing a gas attack.
That's not even coded. He's boasting.
The attack is likely planned for the evening rush.
That's in less than half an hour.
[electronic ringing] The question is, where?
- Gordon is calling. - Go ahead, Commissioner.
What do you have? We need to act quickly.
- Batman, the bomb squad finally got all three
riddle boxes opened safely.
- Nothing but messages inside, correct, Commissioner?
- Just as you said, Batman, same message all three times.
- A riddle no doubt.
- Just a single question, "Can you spot the crook?"
- That's it? "Can you spot the crook?"
In this town, you gotta be way more specific.
- "Can you spot the crook?"
- The miraculous mind of the super sleuth
kicks into high gear.
- "Can you spot the crook?"
Interesting. Stand by, Commissioner.
Riddler's intent is obvious. [electronic beeping]
- Who are we looking for, Batman?
Who's crooked? - Not who, Robin.
He doesn't mean crook like criminal.
He means a hooked shape, like a shepherd's crook.
And it's not spot as in to lay eyes on.
He means to mark with a spot. "Can you spot the crook?"
If you draw a crook and then a spot--
- You have a question mark.
How do you do it, Batman?
- Deduction is merely improvised transportation
on little-used mental roads, Robin.
- If you say so.
- Now look at this map of Gotham's gas mains.
Those three train stations, Gazette, Ace, and Sionis,
are all on the same city gas line.
- Okay, not good.
The route that pipeline runs is shaped like a crook.
- And when you mark the spot below the pipeline crook,
it gives us a location.
- Bruce, the dot in the question mark,
it's the Wayne Foundation building.
- That fiend.
The Wayne Foundation is hosting
the International Children's Goodwill Assembly today.
He's targeting children, Robin.
- Have the Commissioner evacuate!
- No time, I'm accessing the Wayne building security system
remotely from the Batcomputer.
Then we can-- [alarms blaring]
- A riot of warnings and buzzers rises
in a cacophonous chorus of complaint
from the cave itself.
- Batman, what happened?
The whole cave is going haywire!
- Some kind of malware running back along my signal
from the Wayne building right into our mainframe,
but that's--that's impossible.
No one can hack the Batcomputer.
[high-pitched static] [Riddler laughing]
- You did not just call this the Batcomputer, did you?
[laughing] - Riddler.
- He's system-wide, Batman! He can see and hear us.
- Oh, Batcomputer.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Oh, Batman, I feel like I just caught you
singing bat showtunes into your bat hairbrush.
- Communications are down, surveillance down,
system core.
- Oh, I don't want this for you, Batman.
It's that thing where I just want the embarrassment
to be over for you so I feel better.
- Initiate lockdown protocols.
- [mockingly] "Initiate lockdown protocols."
[snorts] Oh, you beautiful lackwit.
[laughs]
Your admittedly rad-ass rank is mine now.
It's a sophisticated system, maybe even challenging.
Talks weird, but as for "no one can hack,"
please.
I'm the artist of crime.
- He's in at the alpha code level, Batman.
- I never know how much comprehension is going on
in that sloping skull of yours, Batman,
so let me be clear what just happened.
I am now in complete remote control
of the fabulous secret Batcave, and...
- On the huge computer monitor,
Edward Nygma's cathode ray smile
flickers with slick self-satisfaction.
- After another incoming calculation,
I will know its hidden location.
♪ ♪
- The pasha of puzzlement is storming the very gates
of Batman's inner sanctum.
- You guys got snacks, or should I pick some up
on my way over? [laughing maniacally]
- Will he breach the Batcave? Stay tuned.
The answer to come in the next tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
[Riddler continues laughing]
♪ ♪
To be continued.
[upbeat music]
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Ike Barinholtz, Rosario Dawson, Heidi Gardner, Toby Huss,
John Leguizamo, Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell, Paula Pell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, Pete Schultz, Brooke Shields,
Brent Spiner, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson,
Melissa Villaseñor, Ray Wise, Anna Crowe, Erica Phillips,
Tony Phillips, Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements are
trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪