- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[TV clicks, static]
- Come on, get him, get him!
[horse whinnying]
[TV clicks] - ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪
♪ He is just a birthday clown ♪
♪ It's a really bad time-- ♪
- ♪ Then bury me way out ♪
♪ Past Wayne Manor ♪
♪ Out where the pines ♪
♪ Hide the moon ♪
♪ And the cats and the bats and the bloodhounds ♪
♪ They gonna shake their bones ♪
♪ To my funeral tune ♪
♪ ♪
- Ah, the smokey sound of Stoveplate Sullivan
and his Potbelly Orchestra,
just one example of the world-class arts
and culture you can see every day on Gotham City One.
Welcome back to our annual member pledge drive.
I'm station manager Marisol Drummond.
For over 30 years,
Gotham City One has brought you news, weather,
and traffic from around Gotham Land
24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
But we depend on your generous donations
to keep bringing Gotham City to Gotham City
for another 30 years and beyond.
That number again is CLOISTERS-50101,
and you can have this Stoveplate Sullivan's
greatest hits album for a minimum pledge
of just $200.
It's a great deal. [phones ringing]
Oh, I'm told we have an Eddie N. on the line.
Thanks for holding. I know you've been patient.
Are you there, Eddie?
- Oh, crap.
- Eddie N. - What?
- Is--I thought we had Eddie N. on the line?
- I--Yeah, I'm his assistant.
He just told me to watch his phone.
I didn't ask why. Maybe he said.
I don't know. So do you want him?
- I think--I think you called us.
- Oh-oh.
Whatever, probably.
Hey, Eddie, they took your call or whatever!
- I've got--thank you, Ms. Tuesday.
Marisol Drummond, fast Eddie N. here.
What a thrill. Big fan of Gotham City One.
I love Jack Ryder. I love the Gotham Gourmet.
I love your award-winning documentaries
on Gotham City history.
And I just love all the hard-hitting coverage
from transit reporter Myron Armbruster.
- Wow, Eddie N.
And I love your enthusiasm.
What do you think's your favorite thing
about Gotham City One?
- Gee, Marisol, that's really not a good question.
It's bad. You're bad.
You're really bad at your job. [laughs]
- What?
- Look, I tried to make this work.
Right up top I told you a bunch of things I like,
basically doing your job for you,
and now you need me to narrow it down?
No wonder people hate pledge drives.
Every year you amateurs beg for change like bums.
- Cut him off.
- And you got us hostage, don't you know?
I know a thing or two about taking hostages,
so every year I'm forced to cough up some ducats
to you grabby mendicants 'cause I just want it to stop.
I just want to sit in peace and watch hard-hitting coverage
from transit reporter Myron Armbruster.
He really does do a great job.
I don't think I'm laying it on too thick
to give another shout-out to Myron.
Give that guy a Gothy award already.
- What do you mean you can't cut him off?
- No, Marisol, that was a bad question.
And you have a bad [indistinct].
[chuckles] But I've got an interesting question.
- We have to be able to-- - Riddle me this.
50 score of 12 have I.
A fortnight more will lay nine by.
If I collect till solstice moon,
how many will I have in June?
- I-I don't-- - Of course you don't, Marisol.
But he good news, honey, is I wasn't asking you.
No, I'm looking at those sadists back there
behind you answering phones.
[people gasp] - The phone bank?
- If one of them doesn't input the right number
into their phone in the next 60 seconds,
let's just say, is transit reporter Myron Armbruster
out of the building?
Please evacuate Myron. He's not part of this.
- I don't--does anyone--can we just cut to a commercial?
[objects snapping, people cry] Nobody panic!
[radio static]
[soft music]
- Gotham, a box of indescribable treasures
hopelessly rusted shut.
Join us now for a tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
February 9th.
♪ ♪
[siren wailing]
As the Gotham City One studio erupts into mayhem,
a separate scene of panic unfolds
outside the old Gotham City opera house.
It's an unwelcome interruption to a badly needed night
of leisure for Bruce Wayne.
At faithful Alfred's insistence,
Robin was sent on patrol
to let a weary tuxedo-clad Bruce
enjoy an evening of pleasant company
and wholesome Gotham nightlife.
But just as Bruce Wayne's thoughts begin
to soar with the lilting aria of the prima donna...
[crash, people scream] [Joker laughs]
The Joker brings him crashing back down
to the filthy Gotham sidewalks.
We are still days away from the feast of St. Valentine's,
but the Joker is getting the word out to save the date.
- Oh, Bruce, thank you, dear boy.
Thank you. You saved my life.
- I'm sure you're exaggerating, Mrs. Puttermesser.
It was nothing really.
Now please be careful getting home.
You've had quite a scare.
- Finding a shadowy spot amid the mayhem,
Bruce Wayne steps aside to check in
with his young ward and crime fighting partner.
- Robin, report. - Scene is secure.
A lot of very rattled opera lovers
but zero casualties.
That's not a stat the Joker usually posts.
- Think of it as a trailer for a coming attraction.
This stunt tonight, he was doing promotion,
hyping his upcoming performance this Valentine's Day.
- He advertises his crimes?
- He'd tell you every new show
needs a killer marketing campaign.
- I'm just glad no one got hurt.
- Joker just hasn't gotten
to the hurting people part yet, Robin.
- But why is that, Batman?
- He'd tell you comedy is all about timing.
Continue to monitor the--
- So Bruce Wayne, superhero.
- Suddenly, Bruce's shadowy spot is flooded
by the probing light of journalistic inquiry.
- Excuse me, superhero?
- That seems to be the headline talking to this crowd.
Vicki Vale, Mr. Wayne, "Gotham Gazette."
- Did Mrs. Puttermesser tell you a tale?
She's incorrigible.
I suppose I held the door open as I exited, Ms. Vale.
Does that count as heroism?
I'm happy to hear it was helpful.
And we've met, you know.
- Yes, that's not remotely in line
with eyewitness reports, Mr. Wayne.
- Mr. Wayne, please, Bruce.
I think you've even been to my house, Ms. Vale.
- Everyone's saying you carried unconscious victims
out of there two at a time like they were grocery sacks.
- Why don't we--
- Now, I'm going to say no upfront to a nightcap.
- Ah.
- So how about you drop the adorable modesty
and give me the story. - Uh...
- Just as Ms. Vale prepares to administer the stress test
to Bruce's improvisational skills,
sweet relief.
- I was on duty at the scene
when the disturbance occurred, Ms. Vale.
I'm happy to answer your questions.
- I appreciate that, Robin. Thank you.
- The Batman says,
"An informed public is a necessity for civil order."
- And I'd love to interview you separately.
Right now I'm taking Mr. Wayne's statement.
- Oh, well, I'm sure Mr. Wayne doesn't--
- Tell me, if you would, how the incident played out
from your vantage point, Bruce?
- Oh, boy.
[whoosh, waltz music plays]
The waltz number just started, and there was a ruckus.
I don't know what exactly. I'll be honest, Ms. Vale.
I was desperately in search of more ice
for the champagne bucket in my private box.
My date was--say, where is my date?
- It was knockout gas, Ms. Vale,
a pressurized device hidden in a cello case.
Joker's gang had a man in the orchestra.
- Well, as the cast onstage succumbed to the gas,
suddenly, a small figure crept out from behind the curtain
in a clown costume.
I didn't know if it was a child,
or a frail woman, or a castrato.
- Where would the Joker get a castrato?
Oh. Oh, never mind. Go on.
- Whatever it was,
this little clown homunculus began to sing.
[high-pitched singing] It was j--awful.
- Disturbing. - I'll say.
The Joker obviously doesn't know his Strauss
from his Leoncavallo.
- You want to break that down for the lunch pail set?
- Tonight's performance was Strauss's "Die Fledermaus."
Joker interrupted it with music
that's famously from Leoncavallo's "Pagliacci."
No idea what that was about. - I do.
Think of it as a trailer for a coming attraction,
Ms. Vale.
He interrupted the opera of the bat with "Pagliacci."
- The opera of the clown.
[dark music]
- At any rate, it was out of tune.
[traffic clamoring] - The message is simple though.
The Joker is planning something deadly
for this Valentine's Day,
something he's calling "Dark Purple Dawn."
I'll supply you with further details
as they emerge, Ms. Vale.
- You do that, Boy Wonder.
And thank you for the service you do for the city.
I'm sure my parents would be very proud of you.
- Thank you, Mr. Wayne.
- Now, if you'll both excuse me,
I'm gonna try to salvage the evening.
- And I've gotta get back on patrol.
Good night, Ms. Vale.
- The brooding billionaire and his young ward part ways
but remain in communication.
- Thanks for your help in a tight spot, chum.
Now get changed.
Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson
have a sudden social obligation.
- What's up, Bruce?
- Tonight there's a black tie ribbon cutting ceremony
at the Gotham Museum. - Right.
For the brand-new Oswald C. Cobblepot Hall of Penguins.
- I've just heard that the Penguin himself
is going to attend after all.
- Oh, boy.
I'm guessing he's not just taking the high road.
- He wants revenge against the museum chairman,
and apparently he's willing to pause his bizarre feud
with Two-Face to get it.
Expect unusual cruelty tonight, Robin.
Be ready for anything.
- Don't go away.
The museum is just down the street from the opera house.
[radio static]
- ♪ You ain't been lonely ♪
♪ Till you've known the lonely I-- ♪
- From Haly's Circus,
and they are advising civilians
not to approach the escaped gorilla
unless he puts down the--
[radio static]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Heat your home, stay toasty warm ♪
♪ Through Gotham's coldest summer storms ♪
- Hey, Gotham City. It's almost March.
Do you know where your home heating oil is?
Sure, we all know winter's on its way out,
but so is Mr. Freeze... of lockup again.
That's right, folks.
Gotham's own old man winter is scheduled for release
from Arkham Asylum on March 1st.
Do you have enough heating oil to last the summer?
♪ ♪
- ♪ Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, brr ♪
- Do you remember when Mr. Freeze
flash froze Gotham Harbor?
Pretty sure that was in May.
Oh, and how about that great Gotham blizzard,
remember that?
That was the blizzard
that canceled the 4th of July fireworks.
Yeah, don't be a schnook.
They're letting the Freeze guy off the hook,
so come get a summer's worth of heating oil from me,
Heating Oil Doyle.
I know it sounds insane, but don't fight it.
This is the new normal.
- ♪ If you freeze this June, there's no excuse ♪
♪ You knew they turned the Freeze guy loose ♪
- That's Heating Oil Doyle's House of Home Heating Oil
in Springtown off I-57
14 miles past Wayne Memorial Airfield
on the edge of Slaughter Swamp.
What? That's what they call it.
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a splendid cabinet of grotesqueries
for the sophisticated degenerate.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
The sprawling Gotham Museum has a trove of antiquities
and natural wonders that rivals the finest in Europe.
Here in the wildlife of the polar regions hall,
Bruce Wayne and his young ward Dick Grayson arrive
to a swinging scene of high society.
- There's Penguin. He's up to something all right.
He'd never be here on time if he wasn't.
The board of the museum has no idea what they've done.
They think they're having a little spat
with Oswald Cobblepot on the society page.
They don't realize the Penguin considers this a lethal insult.
Mingle around the party with your ears on.
I'm gonna chat Penguin up
and plant a number four listening device if I can.
- Copy that.
- Bruce Wayne confidently makes his way through the party
to the obscene plutocrat.
- Good evening, Oswald. - Ah, Wayne.
Truly honored you didn't just send the butler
in your place as per usual.
Hope you pay that man well.
He has the busiest social calendar in Gotham.
[quacking laughter]
- Yes, well, Oswald, I just wanted
to express my congratulations
to you for your recent acquisition.
The frozen mammoth specimen you won at auction
will make an impressive centerpiece
for your Ice Age Gala.
- Oh, no, you don't, Wayne.
Don't try to sauce my gander.
I know you're furious
I've got that prehistoric pachyderm
instead of this museum.
- It's no secret I don't like you
hoarding an important scientific discovery
for your own profit,
but I don't see any reason for there
to be bad blood between us. - [quack laughter]
Don't worry your big square head about that, Wayne.
We've never had problems
because you're an ineffectual counterfeit
of your tediously virtuous parents.
Wish this town had more muscle-bound milquetoasts
like you, bruisy old bean. [laughter]
And just don't try to horn in on my action,
and we'll be fine.
- You mean, wet my beak, Oswald, with you?
- [quack sound] - Oh, I'd never.
- Why, you--
- But before the sputtering bird can load return fire,
the men are joined by the object of Oswald's ire,
the aged chairman of the board of the Gotham Museum.
- Young Bruce Wayne, I say.
- Chairman Waterbury, I'd hoped to see you tonight.
Good to see you looking so fit, professor.
- Oh, my dear boy, I still can't accept
that you've grown so.
Am I really as old as I look?
And Oswald Cobblepot,
so you showed up to cut the ribbon after all.
- Why shouldn't I, Waterbury?
My name is on your petty little exhibit.
I paid for it, as you well know.
Was this all a penguin stunt supposed to humiliate me?
- If you perceive humiliation, Mr. Cobblepot,
I'd suggest there are countless possible sources,
given your lifestyle and your character,
in stark contrast to Mr. Wayne here.
- Oh, let's not--
- A true pillar of the community
and the soul of scientific adventurism
since he was a young boy, isn't that right, lad?
Hm. Always in the museum as a youth,
always knocking on my office door
with the most outlandish questions.
- Oh, not that outlandish, surely.
- "What's the minimum fatal dose of tarantula venom?"
Oh, "can voodoo priests really control minds?"
Oh, "what's the weakest point on the human skeleton?"
- Oh, I'm sure I was a nuisance,
but enough about--
- And for evidence of this man's innate generosity,
look above us, suspended from the ceiling there.
See the life-sized model of the magnificent tusked narwhal?
- You mean, the big fish with the horn up there?
I thought that was called a tuna-corn.
[quacking laughter] A tuna-corn!
- That life-sized replica was the generous donation
of young Master Bruce Wayne, age nine.
All he wanted for his birthday that year
was for the museum to have its own narwhal.
- I had schoolmates who didn't believe narwhals were real,
and that seemed a shame.
- Oh, spare me.
- That is a scholar and a gentleman,
Mr. Cobblepot, and his ilk is as foreign to you
as the particulars of taxonomic classification
and phylogenetic trees.
- I've given you hundreds of thousands
over the years, Waterbury.
I've stuffed cabinets upon cabinets
full of treasures in this dump.
Despite your insult,
I'm here tonight at your tacky fête.
- Oh, you don't care about the museum,
and you never have, you waddling lout.
You think we're ridiculing you with this exhibit,
Mr. Cobblepot?
I want to put your mind at ease.
You're nothing like a penguin.
Penguins have a noble bearing.
- The malevolent mafioso narrows his beady black eyes
with a murderous smile.
- Well, professor, I must say, you really stuck it to me.
Wouldn't you say, Wayne?
He really stuck it to me,
really got his point across. [laughs]
- The Penguin's odd emphasis goes unnoticed
by the professor but not by Bruce Wayne.
- [echoing] Look above us... tusked narwhal...
- [echoing] Really stuck it to me.
- Now that I have that out of my system,
I think I can manage to say a few civil words
of introduction for you, Cobblepot.
So let's get this ribbon cutting over with
and never speak again.
- I think that's exactly how it's going to go, Waterbury.
- As the squat gangster waddles
after the aged academic to the podium,
Bruce Wayne's mind begins to calculate a way
to avert the obvious coming catastrophe.
He signals to his young protégé with urgency.
Dick, we have a situation. - What is it, Bruce?
- Good evening, and welcome to the wildlife
of the polar regions wing of the Gotham Museum.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
I hope my remarks don't leave you cold tonight.
[laughter]
Your reception so far has been...
- In less than a minute,
that narwhal is gonna break loose and fall tusk-first
from the ceiling to impale the professor.
- Holy pincushion! How can you tell?
- Look there.
I noticed the whale has moved slightly
since my last visit.
It's been rehung in a diving posture
directly over the podium,
and it's rigged to fall when Penguin cuts the ribbon.
- I see it.
The balloons drop and so does pointy up there.
- Not many options, I'll shove the professor
out of the way if I have to.
- Uh-oh, after the opera house,
here's the morning gazette's banner headline:
"Bruce Wayne, Superhero."
- I'll have a tough time
explaining my keen sense of danger.
It's not ideal. I've got an alternative.
Be ready to help calm a spooked crowd after it falls.
That whale weighs several hundred pounds.
Uh, waiter?
- The dashing billionaire grabs a passing champagne bottle
and begins shaking it vigorously
as the Penguin readies his ceremonial scissors.
- It is indeed my honor to cut this ribbon
and officially open the Hall of...
[grumbling]
Penguins.
Penguin, incidentally--I'm sure all of Gotham knows this but--
is a cruel nickname that has been applied to me in the past.
So this exhibit initially offended me,
but after some reflection,
I've decided to let this matter...
[quack, quack] drop.
- Just before the Penguin cuts the ribbon,
Bruce Wayne pops the cork on the agitated bubbly.
The tiny explosion launches the cork
with great velocity across the room
where it strikes the professor square on the forehead...
- Ow!
- Sending the old gentleman staggering backward
an instant before the ribbon is cut
and the be-tusked whale comes crashing down.
[crash, tusk vibrates] [people scream]
- It's okay, everyone! Is everyone all right?
I think everyone is okay.
- Bruce Wayne makes his way through the startled crowd
to the aid of the dazed professor.
- Are you all right, sir? - Sweet province!
That tusky cetacean nearly pierced me like a shish kebab.
- Let me help you up. That was a close one.
- Too close, my boy. Oh!
If that cork hadn't struck me--
- I'll take the blame and the credit for that one, professor.
I guess it was a good thing I was so thirsty.
- The Penguin toddles toward them in a pique.
- Well, well, Waterbury, old boy,
you got mighty lucky tonight.
Sure hope your luck lasts.
Shame about your whale, Wayne.
Guess Mommy and Daddy can't exactly buy you a new one, huh?
[quacking laughter]
- Thanks for your concern. The museum has insurance.
Good night, Oswald.
- As the sullen vulture of vice retreats
to the company of his valet,
Dick Grayson rejoins his guardian.
- That was quick thinking, Bruce.
Penguin probably spent days and thousands to set that up,
and you trashed his plan
without even changing out of your tux.
- Yes, I'm afraid if Penguin wanted to dine
on a dish of revenge tonight,
he's going to go home hungry.
- So why does Penguin look so pleased with himself right now?
- Indeed, far from furious,
the Penguin is clucking with mirth.
- That's not good. Engage audio surveillance.
- [laughs]
Oh, I can hardly be angry, Mr. Decondor.
That was not the main event.
The evening's just getting started.
Let's head over to Pier 2!
- Pier 2, Mr. Cobblepot?
- Yes, old smoke, Pier 2,
the only dock on the waterfront Harvey Dent does business with.
Pier 2 is Two-Face's whole import-export operation.
[laughs]
What time is it precisely, Mr. Decondor?
- Precisely a quarter to 8:00, sir.
- Great blue heron, let's move!
You see, I just passed word to Harvey Dent
that I planted a bomb under his precious Pier 2,
and the clock is ticking!
He'll be apoplectic!
I can't wait to see the look on his face...s.
[laughs]
I pluralized it! Ha!
- Harvey.
- To patrons of this broadcast,
we regret to inform you that the remainder
of Bruce Wayne's high living night
out on the town has been canceled
by an unexpected contingency.
In its place, we offer a scene
of maritime mayhem breaking against the shore
between "Life and Death in Gotham City."
Thank you for your patience.
Pier 2 is just a short distance from the museum.
[dial clicks, dramatic music plays]
♪ ♪
[dial clicks]
- ♪ If a cloud of gas is on its way ♪
♪ Make sure you go the other way if-- ♪
- The following is an encore presentation.
- Tonight, on the award-winning docuseries "Ghosts of Gotham,"
we take you back to that dark night
the Joker was born.
[Joker laughing]
- Five years ago, he emerged from an accidental fall
into a vat of chemical waste transformed
from an ordinary hoodlum
to Gotham's public enemy number one,
the clown prince of crime, the harlequin of hate.
Everyone in Gotham City knows who he is,
but no one knows who he was.
Even the underworld never knew his true name.
Before the chemicals changed him,
he was simply the anonymous leader
of the Red Hood Gang.
[radio clicks] - Of the Red Hood Gang. Repeat.
All units be advised, Red Hood Gang is heavily armed.
- They were a coterie of crimson capped thugs
responsible for a string of unusually violent
but otherwise unremarkable petty crimes
until one fateful night.
The leader of the Red Hood Gang was cornered by the Batman
on a high catwalk in the Ace Chemical Plant
as seen here in this dramatic reenactment.
- You will never catch me, Batman!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
This is what I say, me,
the leader of the Red Hood Gang.
- But the man who would become the Joker tempted fate
with his arrogant words.
- Come and get me, Batman,
if you think you can catch me by running, ha-ha-ha--
[static, tone]
[dramatic music]
- Newsflash, we interrupt this freaking program
for a newsflash!
This is a freaking breaking news bulletin
from Joker News Network! [laughter]
- ♪ Love the Joker ♪
- What does it mean?
- Good evening, Gotham City.
I'm JNN anchorperson Charlie Charliehorse
with shocking news just developing.
Milos Kozlowski, a local actor/limousine driver,
is missing.
Kozlowski is of course best known
for playing the leader of the Red Hood Gang
on that cheapo true crime program.
You know the one, the one that's constantly in reruns.
Oh, sorry, "encore presentation."
Some have said the decision
to cast a schlubby Polish immigrant
as the devilishly handsome clown prince of crime
was offbeat, even lazy, but au contraire.
Every time they show that episode,
which is a lot,
Kozlowski dazzles late-night trash addicts
with his enormous pit stains, steakhouse waistline,
and a playful lack of aptitude
with the rhythms of English speech.
This reporter sure hopes nothing happened to him,
but as I said, they rerun that episode a lot.
Wouldn't surprise me
if someone somewhere finally reached their limit.
JNN will keep you updated as details
of the missing Joker impersonator become available.
We now return you to "Ghosts of Gotham"
already in progress.
Gee, I wonder if it's a rerun.
[static, tone]
♪ ♪
- The Red Hood was submerged completely
in a roiling mixture of unknown chemicals.
The toxic baptism not only bleached his skin,
powerful psychoactive effects remade his mind.
The Joker himself has said it was like being forced
to witness an autopsy of his own sanity.
Whatever was in that vat of chemical waste,
it pushed this ordinary lowlife
past the point of madness.
- Ha-hee-hee-ho-ha-ho!
- The Red Hood was no more.
He now called himself the Joker.
- I now call myself the Joker. Why are you so serious?
Ha-ha-ho-ho, wait until you are getting a lot of me--
[static, tone]
♪ ♪
- Joker News Network!
It's a freaking newsflash! Everybody freak out!
- ♪ Love the Joker ♪
- Breaking news once again.
It's with a heavy heart we can now confirm
that Milos Kozlowski, the relentless rerun presence
with the world's worst Joker impression,
has been found dead in a highly suspicious suicide.
The talented Polish thespian killed himself
by jumping out of a basement window.
Friends say he had been depressed
ever since he bought a pair of water skis
but couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Things got worse when he couldn't make ice cubes
because he lost the recipe.
And bad luck came in threes as last month,
he got severe frostbite waiting outside a theater
for a movie called "Closed for Winter."
That news again, Milos Kozlowski is dead
of highly unnatural causes.
His final wish was to be buried at sea,
but he didn't want anyone to drown while digging his grave.
Instead, he'll be laid to rest in a paper bag,
since it's a cinch he could never act his way out of.
Rest in peace, Milos Kozlowski.
You might be fertilizing daisies,
but look on the bright side.
Your death scene was your finest performance.
Turns out there was acting talent
inside that guy all along.
The Joker just needed to pull it out with some pliers.
♪ ♪
- This has been the Joker News Network!
When news breaks, we stab you with the shards!
You know what you did!
[static]
[soft dramatic music]
- Gotham, a city built at the intersection
of destiny and despair.
Join us now for a continuing tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
Pier 2, the Gotham Waterfront.
The busy buzz and clamor of illegal commerce
proceeds as normal for a winter's evening
while just underneath,
a desperate scene is taking place
amongst its trusses and scaffolding.
- You idiot, times running out. This thing's gonna blow!
Then what? - Ugh.
Hold on. We still have time. [seagulls cawing]
We can find the bomb. Just don't look down.
- Hanging precariously from the underside
of the towering structure is a harrowed Harvey Dent
frantically in search of the devastating explosive
planted by the Penguin. [Harvey panting]
Hand over hand, he clamors painstakingly
amongst the trusses,
dangling high above the crashing waves.
- Where is it? Where is it?
- I'm looking! Do you not see me looking?
- Oh, what is that, cheap crack about my eye?
I had an accident, you insensitive prick.
- Oh, shut up, you imbecile!
We're running out of ti--ah!
- He misjudges a handhold. He grabs thin air.
- Ahh--oh, don't drop the gun! You moron.
[splash] Be careful.
It's a long fricking drop into the drink.
- Listen, listen, shut up. I need you to shut up.
- Time is rapidly elapsing,
but hope arrives wearing a grim cowl and cape.
- Batman to Robin. Maintain your position.
I found Harvey. - Copy that, Batman.
- Harvey, get down from there. - Batman, leave us alone.
- Harvey, Harvey, you're not well, even for you.
You've been falling apart since the rooftop in Little China.
- Oh, no you don't.
Don't blame us for this, Batman.
The bird sent us up.
- He's telling the truth, Batman.
We're trying to stop a bomb for once.
- No one's blaming you, Harvey. I'm here to help.
- We can't let this happen, Batman.
If Pier 2 blows up, then what?
It's a catastrophe, a fiasco,
a-a discombobulation of the fundamental--
- Oh, cork it, you jackass!
- Nobody wants the pier to blow up, Harvey.
- Objection, heresy.
I don't think council has examined
the sworn testimony of the Penguin.
- That bad turkey's trying to boil our noodle here, Bats,
'cause he knows if he blows up Pier 2,
then Pier 3 is Pier 2, but it ain't.
It ain't. It's-it's-it's Pier 3.
But there's-there's gotta be a second pier,
but if there ain't a Pier 2--
- Harvey, let me look for the bomb.
- No, no, no, not on our watch. - You're not well.
You need to get to safety. - Objection!
I don't think this court recognizes the mystery man
in the bat costume as a mental health expert!
- Harvey, listen to me. You're unraveling.
We have less than four minutes to find that bomb.
There are dozens of people up there on the pier.
The blast radius will be at least a thousand yards.
- Shut up! - A millions ton of steel--
- Just shut up! - And concrete'll--
- Dozens, thousand, million--shut up,
shut up, shut up with all the fricking numbers, Batman!
Don't you think that's the trouble
with this stinking world?
All your damn numbers. - I'm talking to Harvey.
I'm not talking to you. You're insane.
- But what if he's not, Batman?
- Harvey, listen to me. Don't listen to him.
- Ha-ha, don't listen he says, ha, ha.
I can't believe I've never thought of that,
just not listening.
- I told you, Bats.
Harvey's a kind of--whatchu call...
captive audience.
And I'm gonna wise him up if it kills us both.
- Harvey, fight it. - I-I can't, Batman.
All day long he's at me. He says we're all deceived.
- What I said is you're all suckers.
He doesn't believe in numbers, Batman.
He says they aren't real.
They ain't.
Numbers, math, all your times tables,
it's a stinking lie.
- He says he's never counted past two, Batman, ever.
He-he never needed to.
He says everything everywhere all the way down
to a fracture of an atom is half a matched pair.
And it's bloody beautiful.
Wake up, all you rats lined up behind the piper.
You're ignorant till you wise up.
And if you ain't the fishhook, then you're the worm,
you stupid fricking bots!
- Batman, he sees such beautiful binaries everywhere.
It's so simple.
There's a dead cat in the box, right?
But don't open it, or you'll kill him.
You see? [laughs]
Don't kill the dead cat,
or Mr. Schrodinger will keep you after class.
- The words are utter madness,
but the voice is a cry for help from a friend in pain.
The eye of Harvey Dent looks out at Batman
from far away, pleading.
- Harvey, it's going to be okay.
Maybe we can both escape, you and I, the two of us.
- The--the two?
- That's right, Harvey, just-- [ticking]
- But at that moment, Harvey's eye lights on the bomb,
its precious seconds draining away like life blood.
- Batman, the bomb, I see it. I think I can reach it.
- Harvey, don't! You'll lose your grip!
- [grunting]
- He reaches--
- Batman!
- Then falls.
Batman flies to the bomb.
Two-Face struggles in the roiling surf.
- Help me, Batman! - Swim, Harvey!
[splashing] - Batman...help!
Help me!
- I have to disarm the bomb, Harvey.
You know how to swim.
- Yes, I do, but he doesn't!
Shut up! Don't tell him that!
Keep me up!
- Why don't you just--
- As his friend struggles to stay afloat,
the truth pierces through Batman
like the point of an icicle.
- Oh, no. - Robin to Batman.
What's going on down there? Did someone fall?
- I've located the bomb, trying to disarm,
just seconds left.
- I'm coming down. - Negative.
I need you up there to evacuate civilians on the pier.
Hang on, Harvey!
- But in the pitching surf, Batman's words go unheard.
- B--ga--help!
- Shut up! I ain't weak!
- Harvey Dent struggles as if to keep
two drowning men afloat. - Stop struggling!
And panicking! - And he's losing.
- Just let me swim!
- I ain't panicking!
You're always trying-- [gurgling]
humiliate me!
You think you're better than me?
Let's see if you drown better than me!
- You sick-headed simp!
We're gonna die!
Oh. Are you scared? Ha, I can't wait!
I hate your chicken-fried guts, you coward!
- Harvey!
- I can't wait to see you in hell!
- Please, he'll kill us both, Batman!
- But Batman cannot save both his friend and Pier 2.
And as Harvey Dent sinks beneath the waves,
again, Batman sees his friend looking back at him
from deep inside one good eye.
It's almost like Harvey Dent can see beyond the mask
of the Bat into the face of a friend failing him.
- Ah--ahh!
- But there is no time for blame.
- Batman to Robin.
High yield explosive discharge imminent.
- Where are you, Batman?
- No time to finish the disarm sequence.
I'm gonna launch it clear of the structure by Batapult.
I don't know if the pier will withstand the concussion.
Brace for detonation, Robin! [yells]
[explosion]
- The blast knocks Batman from his precarious perch,
and he plummets into the black harbor below.
- [panting, groans] [splash]
- After a seeming eon of agony, Batman comes up from the waves.
- [gasps for breath]
- The pier is still standing.
Wasting no time, the dark knight goes back under
to find his fallen friend.
Again and again, he descends to the depths.
Again and again, he finds nothing.
- Batman to Robin.
There's a lot of debris, but there's no body.
It's probable Two-Face survived,
but even if he did, I failed him.
And that look on his face before he went under,
he knew it.
Robin, I may have just lost Harvey Dent forever.
- But, Batman, everything's all right up here.
You saved the pier, and you could've died,
and you won!
- Won?
We live to fight another day, Robin.
That's all it ever is.
Rendezvous at the Batmobile. Batman out.
[smooth music]
- What does it profit a man if he saves the world
but loses his place in it?
A question commonly asked in the course
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[radio static]
- ♪ We say it again, that word is GLARBIMACTAFIN ♪
[radio static]
- Always professional and by the book.
[radio static]
- 19, 3, 66, Charlie,
22, 40, 46, 47, Alpha,
58, 16, 3, 22, Lima,
33, 44, Echo,
54, 20, 1, 62,
69, 114, November,
64, 3, 33, 69, Delta,
110, 32, 52, Alpha,
12, 25, 61, 55, 13,
9, 2, Romeo, 86--
[radio static]
- Book your vacation now.
[radio static]
- ♪ Gotham City ♪
[piano music]
♪ Stain the city ♪
♪ My, your future's bright ♪
♪ There you will lead us ♪
♪ There he'll never ♪
♪ Quit the fight ♪
♪ ♪
- To be continued.
[upbeat music]
- "Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Ike Barinholtz, Heidi Gardner, Toby Huss,
John Leguizamo, Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,
Paula Pell, Katie Rich, Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner, Melissa Villaseñor,
Ray Wise, Doug Bossi, Ellis Hall, Erica Phillips,
Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips. Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements are
trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪