- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
- Thank you for agreeing to answer a few questions
on the record, Dr. Arkham.
- I didn't agree to anything. Are you tape recording this?
Who are you? - [chuckles] I'm sorry.
Vicki Vale, "Gotham Gazette." [sirens wailing]
Is it true only a single inmate escaped the asylum
in this breakout?
- Breakout, who's calling it--
nobody's calling this a breakout.
- Units respond for a 225,
that's a breakout at Arkham Asylum.
- Okay, yes, we've had a patient make
an unauthorized excursion from the campus.
- It looks like he smashed a hole in the wall
of your asylum, Dr. Arkham.
- He hastened some long-planned renovations, Ms. Vale.
- So it is a he? - I didn't-I didn't say that--
- Is the escapee named Edward Nygma, Dr. Arkham?
- If we had a patient by that name
receiving treatment here, I wouldn't tell you.
- Is the Riddler loose in Gotham again, Dr. Arkham?
The people of the city have a right to know.
- There is no Riddler, Ms. Vale.
The so-called Riddler is the fantasy persona
of a delusional narcissist,
and to even mention that name gives validity
to a violent and misanthropic pathology.
- Are you saying the Riddler is not loose, Dr. Arkham?
- I can neither confirm nor deny.
- All right then, thank you for your time.
Just one last question,
what's the difference between Gotham City
and a pile of dead morons?
- What did you say?
- It's what's written on this bright green envelope
the "Gazette" received an hour ago.
Oh, no, wait, wait, the answer is inside.
"What's the difference between Gotham City
"and a pile of dead morons?
Nothing can hurt the pile of dead morons anymore."
Signed, "the Riddler."
Care to comment?
- Security, remove this woman!
- Back off. I know the way out.
[tape stops]
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city wrought from shadows
by the ceaseless hammering of a blind smith.
Join us now for a tale of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
February 4th.
The Batman is a newly deputized member
of the Gotham City Police Department,
and coincident with this development,
Gotham City's criminal powder keg explodes.
Not only is the Riddler at large,
Two-Face is deteriorating mentally,
his gangland rival the Penguin has slipped the noose
of justice once again,
and the Joker has threatened citywide mayhem
on Valentine's Day.
A volatile mixture is precariously placed,
and now is agitated by a passing cat.
[cat meows]
- [laughing]
♪ ♪
- As we resume our adventures,
the tattered night sky over Gotham City is split
in two by the urgent blaze of the Bat-Signal.
Many a common criminal looks at this night
to regard it with fear and respect.
But from a window in the extravagant mayor's residence,
the signal is viewed by a somewhat more jaundiced eye.
- [blows raspberry]
The Bat-Signal. [scoffs]
- Welcome to the elegant private study
of his honor, the mayor of Gotham City.
Excuse the violent disarray.
His honor has just been robbed blind.
The man himself stands amongst the ransacked ruin
of his personal sanctum, gazing out the window alone,
or so he believes.
- Pfft, look at that.
Our police department relies upon help
from a sadist in a bat costume. [chuckles]
And we as a city advertise the fact
with a searchlight no less! [laughs]
I mean, come on, what a joke.
- Statistics don't have a sense of humor, Mayor Hill.
- Ahh! [glass breaks]
What the--oh, my God!
- The mayor turns around slowly to meet the scowling gaze
of the fearsome constable of the darkness
known as the Batman.
- As predicted, petty crime rates have already plummeted.
Thank the signal for that.
A little light always makes the vermin scurry back
to the shadows.
- Hey, this place was robbed hours ago, pal.
It's about time you showed up.
- I'm not on your schedule.
If you haven't heard,
the Riddler escaped Arkham last night.
I'm only here as a favor to Commissioner Gordon.
- Favor, oh, okay. Well, you know what?
It's the least you can do, all right?
'Cause, you know, it's one of yours
that did this.
- Not one of mine. Catwoman is a criminal.
- Oh, yeah? Oh.
Well, remember, that's what you were
until a few weeks ago, okay?
Before we normalized insanity.
Hey, do you want a drink, by the way?
I'm kidding. I need all this whiskey.
- Catwoman doesn't work for me, Mayor Hill.
She's a citizen of the criminal underworld.
And I don't endorse her activities.
- No, no, no, no, no, doesn't matter.
They're all a part of your lunatic parade, buddy.
The Joker, you got that goony bird Harvey Dent,
the-the damn crocodile man in the sewers, heh,
come on, they're all following your lead, pal.
- Looks like Catwoman came to rob you
and stayed to vandalize.
- Wow, you really are the world's greatest detective,
aren't you?
- She didn't come in here with an ax to grind,
but then she saw this hunting trophy.
You weren't getting off easy once she saw the taxidermy.
- Uh-uh, no, I get enough of this online.
I am not apologizing, okay?
I shot that lion myself legally.
- I believe you.
This animal was clearly raised on a farm,
probably hand-fed until the day it was turned loose
to get shot by an inebriated stooge.
- That--hey! - What did she take?
- W--I mean, I don't know.
I had cash, had some watches locked up over, uh, there.
I don't know how she got that safe open though--
- I do. Your wall safe is an antique.
She had it cracked in 30 seconds
with software you can download for free.
But you didn't call me to get your watches back.
What was in the safe?
- No, I already told you. I told you.
- And?
- And, well, I mean, maybe there was a hard drive.
- A hard drive? - Oh, yeah, yep, yeah.
A lot of sensitive information on there,
city planning stuff, and--
- But also?
- But also, you know, some sensitive videos.
It's--Okay, listen, okay?
This is why I had Gordon call you, okay?
I hear that she's got a chip on her shoulder
about this kind of thing.
You know, this...
- Is it women, Mayor Hill?
Are you brokering female companionship for your cronies?
- Am I--[laughs incredulously] am I what? No!
Brokering? Come on.
No, this video was purely for entertainment purposes.
You know, it was like more of a,
you know, like, a fashion show,
like, a ladies' fashion show kind of thing,
a private beauty pageant arranged
for well-connected businessmen who used assumed names
when placing bids on the women--look, hey.
Look, don't judge me, okay? They were all adults.
Everybody involved, consenting adults.
Well, you know, implied consent.
They were here, weren't they?
'Cause it's actually very hard to hear clearly
through the masks sometimes.
Well, hell, you obviously understand
what I'm talking about.
Look at you, you know, you rock a mask 24/7,
but, look, speaking of consent, okay, the footage--
- Is from the hidden camera over your desk.
- Is kind of from a hidden camera,
and it's--look, hey, it's probably gonna look bad,
and during the video, I'm not wearing clothes,
oh, roughly the whole time,
and I hear Catwoman's--look, I hear she's a psycho
about this and the whole appearance
of female exploitation-- adjacent activities,
so how do you want to do this?
How do you want to handle protecting me?
Are you--sorry, are you cooking up a bat plan right now,
or how does it work?
It's tough to see your eyes in there.
- You're on your own. - What?
- The caped crusader steps onto the window ledge.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're just leaving?
Okay, what about when she sees what's on the drive?
- She's going to come back for you.
Here's my advice. - Shoot.
- Tomorrow, you will announce a new city program
to combat the teen runaway problem.
- Absolutely.
- You will make a large personal donation
to the battered women's shelter.
- No problem. - You will immediately dispose
of these hunting trophies.
- [sighs] Fine.
- And you will adopt a rescue cat.
- A rescue cat?
Aw, sh-- - On second thought, adopt two.
It's still going to go very badly for you, your honor,
but possibly less so.
- Okay, you're gonna leave me to her, great, okay.
And what about that whole
"I don't endorse her activities" thing?
- This isn't an endorsement. I just know cats.
They don't take orders, but they do take offense.
And when they take offense, they don't underreact.
- Aw, come on, man!
Batman, come on, I'm begging, okay?
You can do something about this 'cause look,
from what I've heard--
- You heard what?
- Well, I mean, I heard that the two of you,
you know...get under the mask a little bit.
- I'm sure you entertain a variety
of sad fantasies, but the truth is this.
I offered Catwoman a chance to go legit.
She turned me down.
She doesn't believe in the system.
I know without the system, Gotham devours itself
until there's nothing left.
- Okay, okay, that's great.
Okay, so you've clearly thought a lot about this
and what it means to you,
but now what am I supposed to do, buddy?
- Leave town if you want,
but it's over quicker for the mouse if he doesn't run.
- With a sudden lunge, the Batman dives
out of the window and sails upon the winds
of the night like his namesake.
Staggering through the ransacked office
with a look of blank defeat,
Mayor Hill sits back down at his desk.
- [grunts]
Doris. - Yes, Mr. Mayor?
- Doris, I, uh, I need a cat immediately.
♪ ♪
- Good thieves know to keep secrets only in places
where they can't be stolen.
Gotham thieves know no such locality exists
within the city limits.
No strongbox, safe, or vault is defense
against the grasping hands
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[beep]
- You've reached Closers 50122. This is Harvey Dent.
- Never mind who this is!
We're busy, so whatever it is can wait!
Don't leave a message! - [sighs]
To leave a message for Harvey, please press 2.
[beep]
- Hey, boss, it's Bob.
If Bub calls in, tell him change of plans.
The getaway car is white, not black, okay?
Very important, I'm driving a white car.
[beep]
- Hey, boss, it's Bub.
I don't know where Bob is,
but some mug keeps circling the block in a white car.
I don't like it.
He's gonna eat lead if I see him one more time--
Son of a--I'll call you back, boss.
[gun cocks] [beep]
- Harvey? It's Bruce, Bruce Wayne.
I don't know if you get these messages,
but I'm gonna keep leaving them anyway.
Please let me help you, Harvey.
I know you're broken, but you're not ruined.
I-I can't know what you're going through,
but I know whatever it is,
I'll be there for you on the other side of it.
[beep]
- End of messages.
♪ ♪
- Gotham, the night sky teems
with a melancholy whip-poor-will.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
[music fades]
In his private aviary
high atop the fabulously decadent Iceberg Casino,
that obscene overlord of organized crime
known as the Penguin is busy rehearsing
with his house entertainment.
- [quacking laughter]
- We are just days away
from the casino's spectacular Ice Age Gala,
a swinging annual soiree that doubles
as the Gotham underworld's wildest night on the town.
And Oswald Cobblepot does not settle
for less than perfection.
- From the top!
- ♪ Pour the whiskey, pour the vino ♪
♪ The Iceberg's got roulette and keno ♪
♪ It's a sizzling time in a fro-o-o-zen casino ♪
[tap shoes tapping] ♪ Eeny meeny teeny ♪
♪ Tiny mini miny meeno ♪
♪ It's a hot night at the old South Pole ♪
♪ So don't get left out of the cold ♪
- [laughs]
That's just divine, my chickadees, divine.
You'll thrill them at the gala, a symphony in synchronicity.
I've long said those four Cassowary girls
are the finest sister act in Gotham.
Don't I say that, Mr. Decondor?
- With frequency, Mr. Cobblepot, sir.
- With frequency, yes, that's the word.
I say it all the time.
But please, ladies, try to smile.
You look stricken.
I feel like morale is low ever since Trixie got fired.
Should I not have fired Sister Trixie
in front of the other girls, Mr. Decondor?
- Well, most of them had never
seen a flamethrower before, sir.
- [chuckles] Good point, Francisco, old egg.
Would have been startling most likely.
That'll be all, ladies.
Go relax and save it for the big gala Saturday night.
What's next, Mr. Decondor?
- Mr. Finchley is here to see you, sir.
- [squawks] Get in here, Finchley!
Where have you been, you gutless jellyfish?
Did you get it? - Well, Oswald, it wasn't easy.
- Good, because I don't pay for easy.
Easy is free, and I recall writing you a check,
a very big check, wasn't it, Finchley?
So I ask you again, did you get it?
- Yes, Oswald, success.
- [laughs] Success!
- If you sign here-- - Uh-huh.
- And here. - Uh-huh.
- Congratulations, Oswald.
It costs a small fortune,
but you now own a perfectly preserved woolly mammoth
flash-frozen in an ancient slab of glacier ice
at the end of the Pleistocene era.
- Now that's a pricey iceberg,
the perfect centerpiece for my Ice Age Gala.
- At the very last moment, I was able
to outbid the Gotham Museum of Natural History.
They were furious, I don't have to tell you.
- Oh, is the museum mad at me?
Quelle horreur!
Is that all for now then, Finchley?
- Well, no, I've got some--well,
very bad news, Oswald.
- Very bad news, is it? Careful, Finchley.
- Well, Oswald, please understand.
The museum had big plans for a prize specimen.
She was going to be the centerpiece
of the new Thomas and Martha Wayne memorial
life science wing.
- Oh, boo-hoo! The Wayne family will live.
Well, many of them don't, but that's my point.
You can't swing a flamingo in this town
without hitting a Wayne memorial something or other.
[laughs]
You would think they were the only two people
ever to be shot to death.
- Yes, well, nevertheless, in retaliation,
the museum board has, um, scuttled the plan
to use your generous donation
to build the Oswald Cobblepot Hall of Birds.
[pop, birds cawing] - Did what?
- I knew you'd be angry. - Angry?
This is an outrage!
They already cashed my donation.
I'll sue them into oblivion!
- Well, no, Oswald, that's not advisable
because the director of the museum has decided
they are building an Oswald Cobblepot hall
with the funds as they agreed to.
Only now it's the Oswald Cobblepot Hall of Penguins.
[dark music]
- That sounds like ridicule, Finchley.
- Oh, I don't think it--
- Ridicule, humiliation,
the obvious implication, Finchley,
is that Oswald Cobblepot looks like a penguin,
isn't it, Finchley?
Waddling, [mocking gibberish] comical!
- Oswald, please be the bigger man!
- What did you just-- - I didn't mean--
- I hate that nickname. I famously hate that nickname.
That's a name used exclusively by sass-mouth gutter trash!
You let them humiliate me like this.
- Oswald, I know you're upset, but--
- Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, you're mistaken, Finchley!
I'm just taking a little stroll through my memory palace.
Your wife's name is Evelyn, I recall.
And you have a son named Jason who requires insulin
and a mother named Hester who requires dialysis!
- Oswald, I don't like where you're going with this.
- Who is your least favorite of the three, would you say?
Most men rightly say their mothers,
but some men choose their wives.
- Oswald, please, we went to school together.
- Enough Oswald! Mr. Cobblepot.
- The sweat drenched functionary sat stunned
and motionless like a pigeon
that has flown into plate glass.
- What-what do you want me to do, Mr. Cobblepot?
- The truth is, nothing can be done,
so I want you to say "I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot."
- I am sorry! - Oh, say it again.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot!
- Yes--no, see, it just doesn't last.
I'm furious again already, Finchley.
Your weak little tinkle of remorse quelled my rage
for like maybe ten seconds.
You failed me.
What I want more than anything right now
is to see Mr. Decondor stick this umbrella down your throat
and open it slowly.
- Please not that, please!
- But I'll give you a second chance.
- Oh, thank you!
Mr. Cobblepot, anything you need, I'll--
- Oh, I need.
See this black and white beauty?
Come here, precious. [wings flutter]
This beautiful girl is a pied myna bird.
I just acquired her
from an appreciative business associate.
He just had a bracing sponge bath in kerosene,
you understand.
So he appreciated me not flicking lit matches at him.
- [whimpers]
- I'm thinking of naming her either Lucretia
or Wilhelmina.
What do you think, my feathered treasure?
[bird chirping]
She's the most gifted mimic of all bird species.
And while she hasn't learned any speech yet,
she's capable of saying hundreds of phrases
in dozens of languages.
But now I only want her to say one thing,
"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot."
Do you understand me?
- I think I-- - I don't think you do.
You're going to take this bird home with you, Finchley,
and you are going to say, "I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"
to it over, and over, and over.
You will say, "I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"
until your throat splits,
and you gag on your own blood.
When you give me that bird back,
I want it saying an "I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"
that would fool your no doubt sainted mother.
[quacking laughter]
See, I want this beautiful bird fluent
in your wretched contrition.
Then I will keep her in a gold cage on my desk,
and every time I forget I forgave you
and start to think about how much I would enjoy
having satisfaction in this matter,
I will hear that bird say,
"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"
and like magic,
my forgiving nature will be refreshed,
and you get to keep your vulgar little family intact
for another day.
- Oh, thank you, Os--Mr. Cobblepot.
Thank you. You won't regret this.
Come now, beautiful bird. Lucretia, will it be?
Oh, that's a lovely-- - I've decided on Wilhelmina.
Just know that you had better not ever err again, Finchley.
I have a large collection of umbrellas custom built
to suit very specialized needs.
- With haste, the terrified toady makes his escape
as the Penguin's towering secretary brings him
a fresh 1923 Chateau Signac Sancerre.
- Thank you, Mr. Decondor!
- That was charitable of you, Mr. Cobblepot,
giving Mr. Finchley a second chance.
- Well, not really, Francisco, old chap.
You see, that wasn't in truth a pied myna bird at all.
Shh, it's a common pied crow!
[laughing]
No power of speech! That bird can't mimic anything!
[laughs]
Finchley can talk himself to death, and he might.
[laughs]
But that bird will never talk back.
Diabolical! What?
- Ah, indeed, very good, sir.
- Physical violence is overrated.
I often find mental anguish to be the more excruciating pain
to inflict, don't you, Mr. Decondor?
- No, sir, but I am a simple man, sir.
- That you are, Mr. Decondor.
Don't change.
Now then, let's move on to our plans
for that Janus-faced half-wit Harvey Dent.
Two-Face is quite obviously losing the other half
of his mind, and we need to position ourselves
to profit from that fallout.
I want you to place a classified ad
that reads as follows...
♪ ♪
- Seagulls group together to form a flock,
owls a parliament, crows a murder,
but the penguin stands alone feathering his nest
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[radio static]
- ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪
♪ He is just a birthday-- ♪
[radio static]
- The Basil Karlo horror classic
in a newly remastered--
[radio static]
[upbeat music]
- Are you visiting Gotham City?
Are you here to enjoy all
the world's largest city has to offer? You are?
Well, you know Metropolis is less than 100 miles away,
right? But okay, if it's a done deal,
two Gothamites will tell you the best way
to see all the glory of Gotham is to take moonlight ride
on the double-decker Gotham View Bus.
- ♪ Get on the bus, Gotham View Bus ♪
♪ The bus to trust is Gotham View Bus ♪
♪ ♪
- See all the sights from air-conditioned luxury
behind anti-ballistic glass.
While in operation, Gotham View Bus is airtight,
armor-plated,
and has a cutting-edge fire suppression system.
In safety test, Gotham View Bus could not be rolled over
by fewer than 15 able-bodied hostiles.
And every Gotham View Bus in the fleet is stocked
with enough water and rations to sustain passengers
for three days in case of a siege event.
- ♪ The bus you trust to not go bust ♪
♪ Gotham View Bus ♪
- Our knowledgeable local tour guides are brimming
with stories of local color.
This one guy who just started, Barry,
his children were kidnapped by the Mad Hatter--yes,
the Mad Hatter.
Ask him about it.
That guy needs to be more social.
- ♪ Gotham View Bus, the bus is a must ♪
- You'll tour the Chemical District,
the Warehouse District,
the Abandoned Warehouse District,
the Industrial District,
and the kids will love the Factory District.
- I gots to get my factory on!
- Easy there, little shaver.
There's time to see it all on a Gotham View Bus tour.
Gotham View Bus, you won't find a better bus
that's not leaving town.
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city carved out of darkness
and filigreed with gloom.
Join us now for a tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
In the chill depths of the secret Batcave,
the caped crusader consults
with his miraculous crime fighting creation,
that electronic eighth wonder of the world,
the Batcomputer.
A dizzying display of news and information flashes
before the trained eyes of a master detective
at near subliminal speed.
- I have an important tactical advantage
when dealing with a potential Riddler crime wave, Alfred.
- You are very skilled
with the Sunday "Gazette's" crossword puzzle, sir.
- No, I'm talking about time.
Despite his staggering intellect,
Edward Nygma's elaborate criminal riddles take time
to craft.
It's his obsessive perfectionism.
- Oh, yes, I'm acquainted with the type, sir.
- While Riddler schemes,
it's vital I stabilize the situation with Harvey
before I have to fight a war on--there, Alfred.
I knew I sensed a ripple in the crime sphere.
Have a look at this.
- The newsletter of the Gotham Ornithological Society, sir?
- Look at this announcement.
It says a Mr. Couples is exhibiting a pair
of rare toucans at his residence
at number 202 Doubleday Street tomorrow.
This isn't what it seems.
- Are these unusually nefarious toucans, sir?
- It's a setup, Alfred.
The exotic birds are a calling card.
This is a brazen attempt by the Penguin to bait Two-Face,
a pair of toucans on Doubleday Street.
- I see, Mr. Dent and his tragic fascination
for duality will certainly find that provocative.
- Needless to say, there's no one named Couples
on the membership roll of the Ornithological Society.
Two-Face will probably know he's being played,
but his obsession with the number two will compel him
to investigate.
This makes no sense.
Harvey is the 800-pound gorilla
that keeps the small timers below the line.
If he goes down, Penguin loses, at least in the short term.
Why's Penguin inflaming Harvey's breakdown?
- If I may, sir, does a man like Oswald Cobblepot
need a reason to torment the mentally ill?
- Hm, angle satellite beta on 202 Doubleday Street,
maximum zoom.
[beeping]
Yes, thermal and ultraviolet.
What am I looking at here?
[beeping] Really?
That's a lot of wattage for a private residence.
- It's a mystery to me how you understand
that purported modern convenience.
- Oh, I know you understand the Batcomputer perfectly well,
Alfred.
You just don't like what it thinks of you.
- I'm sorry, what it thinks of me?
[beeping]
- We've got motion on the scene.
No time to lose.
Alfred, do we still have that Kandinsky painting?
- Pardon me, sir, Wassily Kandinsky?
You have nine Kandinsky paintings, sir.
- I mean, "Exotic Birds," 1915.
Announce Bruce Wayne is putting it up for charity auction.
- Ah, that will provoke Mr. Cobblepot.
- Exactly.
- The dark knight flies to the fabulous Batmobile
and makes ready to leave.
- Penguin has always wanted that painting.
Makes an offer to Bruce Wayne twice a year.
He'll try to bribe you for an exclusive bid.
Don't return his phone call.
His rage will distract him
while I surveil the Doubleday Street location.
- Mm. Mm, yes.
- You're pouting. You don't like the plan.
- That Kandinsky really cheers the atmosphere
in the conservatory.
- I'll buy you a Chagall.
[tires squeal]
- As the atomic age automobile races away,
the disappointed domestic sighs.
- Ugh, Chagall.
It is not the same, and he knows it.
♪ ♪
- In Gotham, there is no honor amongst thieves.
The city's criminals are beset by law and outlaw alike.
Why then does evil so often prevail?
Essential mystery of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Gotham City One ♪
- This town, am I right, folks?
If it's not bats, it's cats. If it's not cats, it's clowns.
How do you keep your sanity? Most don't.
But the ones who do watch Gotham City One,
all the news, weather, and traffic you need,
plus me, Jack Ryder.
Coming up tonight on "Gotham is Talking,"
we've got a co-city woman who claims to be the mother
of the Boy Wonder.
- That's right, Robin is actually my little boy Varney,
what, got kidnapped by the Batman,
who is a spaceman named Zurinar.
Hey, so are these cookies free?
- Plus, juvenile Joker fans,
funny fad or dangerous teen trend?
[laughter] - Get the gag, Dad.
Joker knows the punchline, and it's a scream.
- [laughing]
- Then learn to fight like the Batman
with octogenarian self-defense expert, Lloyd Davenport.
- Hiya! [crash]
- All this, plus traffic
from transit reporter Myron Armbrust.
Stirring cooking tips with the Gotham Gourmet,
who, let's face it, is gonna get bumped again
tonight for breaking coverage
of the impending Riddler attack.
Sorry in advance, Maurice!
"Gotham is Talking" on Gotham City One.
If it matters to GC, it's on our TV...show.
You guys were right, that's clunky.
- ♪ Gotham City One ♪
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- "Life and Death in Gotham City" epilogue.
[typewriter clacking]
The office of Dr. Jeremiah Arkham,
director of Arkham Asylum for the criminally insane.
As the good doctor will tell you,
the escape of a psychopathic mastermind
from his facility reliably brings three things:
A citywide feeling of dread,
the umpteenth review of asylum security protocols,
and an absolutely intolerable amount of paperwork.
[knocking]
- You wanted to see me, Dr. Arkham?
- Ah, Dr. Snedeker, yes, please come in.
But don't sit down. You're fired.
- What, fired?
I've been working at the Asylum less than a month.
- And yet, that was more than enough time
for you to facilitate the Riddler's escape.
Nice work. Now, go clean out your desk.
- But that's outrageous.
I was showing great progress with Mr. Nygma,
and I had nothing to do with his escape.
I thought he escaped with the aid
of some kind of robot bulldozer.
- Smashed right through his cell wall
and drove him away, yes, classic Eddie Nygma.
See, he's what happens
when God gives a homicidal south Gotham hooligan
an IQ of 300.
I warned you he was showing pronounced agitation lately.
You were well aware that he had to be sedated
and moved to a new cell away
from those ridiculous new Bat-Signal tests in the sky.
And now he's escaped because you broke protocol.
- Broke protocol?
Is this about--he wanted to play chess.
I saw therapeutic value
in letting his mind work on benign problems.
That's within my purview, so I gave him an old computer.
- You should've just unlocked the cell door
and escorted him off the grounds.
It would have saved us the repair cost.
- The so-called computer I gave him was a glorified calculator,
a toy. - Ooh, a toy.
- My young son plays with it.
It's harmless, no email, no internet.
There's nothing on it but a chess program.
What does it have to do with-- - Allow me to enlighten you.
We've pieced it together.
The first thing Nygma did with your son's toy
was beat the chess program.
Then he accessed the code,
rewrote and vastly improved the chess program.
Then he sold his improvements
to a Russian software conglomerate for $2.2 million.
This took about 40 minutes. - But sold? How?
- Oh, this is where it gets good.
Nygma pulled the motherboard out of your son's toy computer,
and he hardwired it to the light socket in his cell.
He used that arrangement to access the Wi-Fi router
in your office, Dr. Snedeker.
- But he-- - Yes.
The world's most brilliant delinquent
somehow deduced your password was "password"!
Then he had the full run of the internet.
He set up a Cayman Island bank account
and made the deal with the Russians.
Next, he rented an abandoned factory
not far from the asylum gates.
- Oh, no.
- He purchased all the individual
mechanical components for his jailbreaking bulldozer
and had them rush delivered to the factory floor where,
at Riddler's direction,
a pair of robot assembly arms proceeded to unpack
and assemble the parts into a self-driving battering ram
of his own design.
Then it was just a matter of waiting for his ride
to smash through his cell wall and pick him up.
- But he--he said he just wanted to play chess.
- You're going to want to leave now, Dr. Snedeker.
It's gridlock out there.
One of those police surveillance blimps
was stolen this afternoon.
No word on who the thief was, but he left a note.
It said, "Question: What's the difference
"between an unmanned aircraft and a big batch
of viral encephalitis?" - [stammering]
- "Answer: One kills millions when it's airborne."
You haven't heard that one?
I'm surprised. It's a classic.
That will be all, Dr. Snedeker.
- The psychiatrist, ashen, turns to leave.
He pauses suddenly at the door.
- Something else, Dr. Snedeker?
- Trust, the answer is trust.
- I'm sorry?
- The last thing Mr. Nygma said to me,
it was a riddle.
- No kidding. - I just got it.
He said-- - I'm forged without a smith.
I break without a blow.
When I'm revealed to be a myth,
you'll be the last to know.
What am I?
[laughs]
- Forged without a smith? What?
- Trust, the answer is trust.
♪ ♪
- The Riddler is an enigma,
possibly the world's most brilliant man.
But does his brilliance shine more brightly
for the darkness that underlies it?
Such paradoxes are regularly seen
amidst "Life and Death in Gotham City."
To be continued.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Ike Barinholtz, Rosario Dawson, Toby Huss,
John Leguizamo, Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,
Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell, Paula Pell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, Pete Schultz, Brooke Shields,
Jason Sudeikis, Alan Tudyk, Ray Wise, Anna Crowe,
Erica Phillips, Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements are
trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪