- Blue Ribbon Content presents "Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[radio static]
- ♪ So if you're down and you're out in old Gotham ♪
♪ And you got nothing but your soul left to lose ♪
♪ They got a name for that in old Gotham ♪
♪ They call it the Gotham ♪
♪ Infirmary ♪
♪ Blues ♪
- ♪ WGVO ♪
- And now a message from Gotham City mayor,
Hamilton Hill.
- Good evening, citizens of Gotham City.
Tonight we announce a bold new experiment in law enforcement.
Effective immediately,
The Gotham City Police Department is engaged
in an official partnership with the self-described
world's greatest detective known as the Batman.
[paper rustles] Yep, that's right.
An unidentified civilian will be helping the city's cops
solve crimes, which, [breathy chuckle]
I mean, sounds super illegal, but they tell me it's not,
so fantastic.
In order to summon the services of the Batman,
we will be installing a bat-shaped searchlight
on the roof of police HQ.
We'll just shine this Bat-Signal in the sky
whenever we need him.
Seriously, folks,
that's our official arrangement with this guy.
I mean, he wouldn't give us his phone number, apparently,
so--you know what?
Maybe the guy doesn't have a phone.
You know, the guy with the nuclear rocket car
and all the gadgets on his belt, yeah.
Well, you know, he's drawing a city paycheck now,
I guess for, what, beating the snot
out of turnstile jumpers?
Does this not sound like insanity to you people?
I mean, I'm reading this thing, and I'm like--okay, look,
you voted for it, you know?
It was proposition B, by the way, if you care.
I don't. [ice clinks in glass]
Anyway, long story short, we now employ
at the city level a mysterious man in a bat mask.
And you know, there's gonna be a creepy light
in the sky all the time now, and if you see it,
it ain't a movie premier, all right, kiddos?
It ain't good news. That's pretty much it.
All right, Gotham pride.
- This has been a message from Gotham City mayor,
Hamilton--
[radio static]
[soft music]
- Gotham, a glittering web spun by a conspiracy of spiders.
Join us now for a tale of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
February 3rd.
After five years of vigilante crime fighting,
the caped crusader has begun an official partnership
with the Gotham City police.
They will surely need his immediate assistance,
as the notorious gangster known as Two-Face is experiencing
a violent breakdown after the second anniversary
of his tragic disfigurement.
We rejoin our adventures deep in the cavernous sanctum
of the secret Batcave.
There is no sign of the master of the house.
Instead, a young student is hunched before the towering,
twittering cybernetic miracle known as the Batcomputer.
[beeping]
- Page down...page down... index and cross-reference.
- While his classmates at Gotham Public have
long since closed their textbooks
and gone to sleep for the night,
Robin the Boy Wonder yet toils at his studies.
But no mere schoolwork is this.
- Okay, I read the entire psychiatric profile
Batman compiled and his methodology report
cross-referenced with GCPD forensics.
Have I read all of Batman's case files about Two-Face?
[negative beeping] What?
Well, how many pages is that?
[beeping] Oh, no way.
It's not natural.
Where does a man find time to write all this stuff?
[beeping]
I wasn't actually asking.
Look, Bruce is too close to this.
Harvey Dent was his best friend.
I need an objective rundown on this guy.
And no more reading psych reports.
Don't you have the movie version or something?
[beeping]
- And now it's Gotham City One's
award-winning documentary... - Aw, yes!
- Series "Ghosts of Gotham" with your host Jack Ryder.
Tonight's episode,
"Scarred for Life: The Harvey Dent Story."
- It's one of Gotham City's most tragic tales.
A lion-hearted litigator becomes a fractured fiend.
Once a beacon of hope for a brighter Gotham,
former district attorney Harvey Dent is now
one of the city's most erratic public enemies.
As Two-Face, he's believed to run a vast criminal empire
within Gotham City.
But a canny combination of legal genius
and vicious intimidation has thus far allowed him
to evade arrest.
Harvey Dent was born to a modest household
in the Gotham Narrows. His father was a domineering--
- Hey, let's fast-forward to the--
[fast-forward whirring]
- But all that hope and promise
would come to a violent end.
- Yeah, to the that.
- The date was February 2nd.
The place was the old Gotham courthouse.
Harvey Dent had shocked the city
by finding a witness willing to testify
against a prominent Gotham businessman
and suspected crime kingpin,
none other than Oswald Cobblepot.
- [cackling]
- Some call him the Penguin,
though rarely to his face and never more than once.
It would have been the biggest conviction
of Harvey Dent's storied legal career.
Instead, it was the last case he ever tried.
[crowd chatter, gavel thuds]
- Can you please state your name for the record?
- The name's Jackson Pratkins.
- Jackson Pratkins, are you also known
in the Gotham underworld as the contract killer
called Jack Sprat?
- Yeah, that's me.
Jack Sprat, by baseball bat, by knife, or gasoline.
[crowd murmurs] That was my gimmick.
But that's not me no more.
I done some bad things, but I want to make it right.
- That's what we're here to do today, Mr. Pratkins.
Now, when did you first accept payment
for illegal activities from Oswald Cobblepot?
- I'm sorry, Cobble-who? - Oswald Cobblepot.
You may know him as the Penguin.
- Oh, the casino man,
impresario extraordinaire Oswald Cobblepot.
I never met him. - You nev--[chuckles]
Mr. Pratkins, I remind you you are under oath
and in your sworn statement,
you detailed numerous criminal transactions initiated
by Oswald Cobblepot.
- Oh, you misunderstood.
Sure, I said Mr. Cobblepot oughta be in jail
'cause he robs me blind every payday
at that socko casino of his.
You know Stoveplate Sullivan plays there
every Saturday night?
Exclusive engagement. [laughter]
Beat that, folks.
- Mr. Pratkins, you are gonna be charged with perjury,
and your plea deal will be void
unless you tell this court the truth.
- Isn't it true that you... - [muttering]
- Murdered Gotham City Councilman Hubert Wainwright
on orders from Oswald Cobblepot?
- [sighs] - And isn't it in fact true
that Oswald Cobblepot himself was present
at the scene of the crime as evidenced by this article
of his personal property recovered by the police?
This very distinctive custom-made umbrella.
One more chance, Mr. Pratkins.
Can you testify that this umbrella belongs
to the Penguin?
- Well, since you put it that way,
hand me that, uh, um-brella,
so I can get a better--yeah, thank you, counselor.
Oh, yeah, it seems I do remember something
about Penguin's special umbrellas.
I remember there's a little secret button here
on the handle, hard to see,
so take a real close look, handsome.
- What are you--
- We pause for a moment to warn our viewers
that what you are about to see is extremely disturbing.
Parental guidance is strongly advised.
- Have an acid spritzer, Dent! - Ahh!
- Courtesy of the Penguin!
- Oh, my heavens! The umbrella was booby-trapped.
- The district attorney's been--oh, God!
Mr. Dent, your face! - Video pause.
- The Boy Wonder, wise beyond his years,
takes a moment to reflect.
- And just like that, his mind broke clean in two.
Makes you wonder if we're all held together on the inside
by what we're made of on the outside.
Makes me wonder, anyway. How 'bout you, Alf?
- Ah, well, there's no getting the drop on you,
is there, Master Richard?
- Indeed, Robin has been silently joined
by the majordomo of the household,
the Batman's most trusted ally, Alfred Pennyworth.
- So you heard me approach even on my softest cat feet?
Your powers of detection are rapidly improving--
- Nah--well, yeah,
but this time I more smelled the grilled cheese
and tomato soup you got, Alf.
Cream of tomato with a little bit of garlic.
[stomach grumbling]
Whoa, did you hear that?
I think my stomach just screamed at me.
- Yes, Master Richard,
you've studied through supper again tonight.
- Really? That's not like me, Alf.
[slurping, gulps]
I'm worried about me.
- I'd say you're worried about Master Bruce.
- I know Two-Face isn't just another psycho gangster
to Bruce.
They were so close. It's so personal for him.
- As you know, Master Bruce believes in the good
inside all people.
Nowhere does his commitment to this bring him more pain
than in the tragic case of Harvey Dent.
- Do you think he goes easy on him, Alf,
'cause they were friends?
- I know that he does not.
- Yeah, but how do you know, Alf?
On the roof of Yin and Yang's last night--
- On the roof of Yin and Yang's last night,
I understand a man's life was saved by a lucky coin toss.
- Yeah, guy caught a lucky break.
- Did Master Bruce tell you what would have happened
had he not?
- No.
- Master Bruce told me he had decided
that the very instant that coin revealed itself unfavorably,
he and Mr. Dent were going off the edge of that roof
and down six stories into a trash strewn alley.
- Yow!
Dent would have been lucky to survive,
and I don't even know if Bruce could--
- He was going to do what he always does,
put himself between Gotham City and any bullet fired
at his fragile heart,
no matter the permanent damage he may suffer.
[beeping]
- I don't know. I'll ask.
Hey, Alf, are you staying? - Am I staying?
Am I to understand that machine is asking?
[beeping]
- Yeah, 'cause if you are,
it says, take a seat 'cause you--
- I what, precisely?
- You irritate the Batcomputer when you just,
you know, kind of stand around.
- Oh, do I irritate that abominable electric gremlin?
I hope I give it ceaseless digital nightmares.
- Suddenly, with nary a breath of air,
the ambient gloom reveals...
- Give Alfred your seat, Robin.
- Batman!
Did you hear him come in, Alf? 'Cause I did not.
- We're taking the Batmobile downtown.
Gear up and meet me on the platform in three minutes.
- You're dialed all the way up on this one, boss.
- There's already a problem with the new Bat-Signal
at GCPD HQ.
It's the Joker. He's back.
- With a whispering noise, he again disappears
into the darkness.
- Alfred, you said Bruce believes in the good
in all people.
Does that count even-- - I misspoke, Master Richard.
- Ah, I was afraid you were gonna say that.
Two-Face is a maniac, but he knows it.
The Joker, he's so--
- At peace with his torment, sir?
- More like strengthened by it.
Do you think he knows how crazy he is, Alf?
The Joker, does he know how sick he is?
- No, Master Richard, in fact, the Joker is very much worse
than ignorant of his depravity.
He thinks he's cured.
He believes he used to be hopelessly lost.
Then he met Master Bruce.
Now he believes everything makes sense.
♪ ♪
- Deep down, don't we all fear that the lunatic knows a truth
the sane man does not?
That would mean sanity is built upon a lie.
But if that is true, then truth is indistinguishable
from the ravings of a madman.
A brief pause to disentangle that conundrum
as we ready ourselves for the next tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
[music fades]
[line trills]
- Thank you for calling
the Gotham City Feline Rescue Shelter.
All our volunteers are busy right meow,
but no kitten, someone will be right with you.
- Meow-she, meow-she, Gotham City Feline Rescue.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen.
I want to make a donation.
- Well, that's just purr-fect, sir.
I can help you with that. May I have your name?
- I'm not giving you my name, lady.
I said I want to give you dough.
What's with the third deg-- [whip cracks]
Ow! Okay.
I'll tell--okay, I'll tell her!
[panting] My name's Harrison Pignuckle.
- Boss Pignuckle, the slumlord? From the Narrows?
- Come on, slumlord? That's liable, lady.
I got-- [whip cracks]
Ahh! Okay, okay.
Slumlord is probably fair, probably--
Okay, so please help me out.
I want to give you a donation,
so that you can save the kitty-cats or whatever.
- That's very generous, Boss Pignuckle.
What size donation would you like to make today?
- I don't know. I was thinking like 40 large.
[whip cracks] Yow!
Like 80 large, maybe-- [whip cracking]
Ahh! Okay, okay, okay.
An even hundred.
Please, what will make you stop?
- My goodness, sir!
You're gonna make a bunch of fuzzy widdle pussycats
so very happy.
Now, may I pause to put you on hold for a meow-ment?
- What? No! Please don't take long!
[jazz music]
- I will be darned--hey, Margaret, Janice!
Guess what?
Catwoman, she got us another one!
[laughter]
♪ ♪
- Gotham, a flawless diamond on a rattlesnake's back.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
[soft dramatic music]
To distant observers of the Gotham skyline,
the headquarters of the Gotham City Police Department
rises high like a lighthouse set upon the concrete shore
of an angry glass ocean.
But any ships depending upon its light tonight
would be doomed to wrack and ruin
for pitch-dark is its only offering.
Commissioner of police James Gordon is prepared
to light a candle and to curse the darkness if need be.
♪ ♪
- I mean, we just finished installing the signal,
what, this morning.
When did that giggling lunatic have time to--
- [indistinct speech] - Well, obviously,
I've got the bomb squad coming up,
and no, I'm not evacuating myself any further.
We promised the first official lighting
of the Bat-Signal tonight.
And I'm gonna be here to explain to the Batman
why we didn't deliver. - [indistinct speech]
- Because I'm police commissioner, sergeant.
That makes me the Batmanager. - [indistinct speech]
- Well, was it funny?
Well then, I wasn't trying to be funny.
- The newly installed Bat-Signal is
a repurposed naval destroyer searchlight
capable of producing a beam of up to 68,000 lumens.
That is, when it is not lovingly wrapped
in purple polka dotted wrapping paper
and tied with a bright green bow.
- Sure, it looks like it could be rigged to explode.
This is the Joker we're talking about.
Anyway, he said he'd be here any minute.
- [indistinct speech] - No, not the Joker--Batman.
On the phone just now.
Of course he has a phone.
- What's the situation, commissioner?
- Oh, sweet bride of Joseph!
How did you--and the kid, too?
- Good evening, Commissioner Gordon.
- You two snuck up on me on top of a skyscraper.
Well, that is borderline not credible.
- I see the Joker got to our signal
before you could use it.
- Yeah, I don't have any excuses to offer you, Batman.
We came up tonight to turn it on like we planned,
and well, there it is,
gift wrapped and strewn with flower petals.
It's almost romantic?
- I don't have time for his perverted theater tonight.
He thinks the world is his private "Punch and Judy" show.
- Well, the bomb squad is on their way up.
They're my best--no, no, no, no, no, Batman, what you--
- Without hesitation, Batman relieves the Bat-Signal
of its gaudy exterior.
Underneath, all seems undisturbed,
except resting atop the massive bat beacon is...
- What is it? - It's a music box.
- Are you sure it's a--
[delicate music]
Okay, yeah, that's a music box.
- As the metallic melody shreds the nighttime stillness,
the Batman grits his teeth.
- I thought so. It was just a matter of time.
- Okay, that's bad. - That's bad?
What's bad? What is it?
- It's the waltz. It's--
- It's Strauss, the waltz from his opera,
"Die Fledermaus."
- Die Fleder--what now? - It's German, means "The Bat."
- There's a bat waltz?
- It means the Joker is ready to resume the dance.
- Okay, so should I know about the dance?
- Oh, you're gonna hear about the dance.
- It was the second time I'd faced him.
You remember, he'd gone away to Arkham once,
but they had no idea what they were dealing with.
The Joker broke out of maximum security in nine hours.
Evidence indicates he only stayed
on the premises that long to pick off
extra staff as they showed up for the late shift.
He hunted down and strangled everyone
on the faculty softball team.
For some reason, he found that devastatingly funny.
[Joker laughing]
- Two days later, I cornered him
at the Archer Park sky tram terminal.
He was filling the cable cars
with department store mannequins arranged
in obscene poses.
- [gasps] - [laughs]
- Joker was convulsing with laughter.
- [laughing]
- I admit it, I was careless, emotional.
I didn't care what his sick setup meant.
I wasn't gonna give him time to ramble to a punchline.
[blows landing, grunting]
I took him down without a struggle.
So it was only a moment later that I realized
he'd stuck me with something.
I don't know how a needle got through my suit,
but it did.
[breathing heavily]
[Joker laughing]
[laughter slows]
I suddenly felt an electrical fire
in my central nervous system.
[grunting]
I knew instantly it was a curare derivative
edged with some psilocybinoid compound.
[Joker chuckles]
But this was just useless knowledge swirling
with the rest of my mind down the drainpipe.
I was paralyzed.
He could've finished me, but it was clear
that was the last thing on his mind.
[Joker laughs] He crawled over to me.
He whispered in my ear.
He said he had a dream.
- He had a dream... - [distorted] I had a dream
the night we met.
- He said he... both: Dreamed we were dancing
the waltz at a feast at a funeral,
and all of Gotham City was there.
- Mayhem and violence locked in embrace.
And we'll keep dancing until Gotham is in ruins,
and we are redeemed by the madness we share.
[laughs]
- I came to. He was gone.
But as I shook off his drugs,
I felt like I'd just woken from his dream, too.
[radio chatter]
- Okay, well, this complicates things.
You picked a heck of a time to go on the clock
with the GCPD, Batman.
Two-Face is losing his grip,
Catwoman is treating every two-bit racket
in town like her own personal candy shop,
and now the Joker.
About the only good news I have to report is
we may finally get somewhere with prosecuting the Penguin.
We have a witness willing to testify.
- Ask Harvey Dent about a suddenly cooperative witness
against the Penguin.
- No, no, no, this time he's clean.
It's no less than Senator Morgan Montgomery.
Since we lost Thomas Wayne, rest his soul,
he's the closest thing to a moral compass
Gotham's seen in a long time.
Penguin can't get to him, I'm sure of that.
- Hm, we'll see.
Report any new Joker activity to me immediately.
Time is of the essence.
I just wish we knew how much time we've got.
- We do, until Valentine's Day.
The Joker is going to attack the city on Valentine's Day.
- What? How do you know?
[winds music box, music plays]
- The waltz, Robin, you notice something off about it?
- You're right, Batman. It's in the wrong key.
- Yes, it's in B minor. - B minor?
Holy stalker alert. I get it now.
This whole stunt, the flowers and the gift wrapping,
this is a Valentine to you, Batman.
- A Valentine and a threat.
- What threat?
- B minor, commissioner.
The Joker is saying, "Be mine or..."
- Or what?
- We have 11 days to figure that out.
[smooth music]
- Rages are red. Violence are, too.
On the feast day of St. Valentine,
the Joker comes a-courting.
Will he have Batman's heart?
The answer in a future tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
- The following is a dramatization,
but the subject is all too real.
We apologize for the coarseness of the language.
Nevertheless, it is authentic, we believe,
to the teenagers of Gotham City's public schools.
- Say, look alive there, you sorry lot of nincompoops!
- Why, it's our straight arrow schoolmate Clean Pete
giving us the business. - Yeah, hi, Pete.
- What's the news, Clean Pete?
- Why, I've just had a windfall of a small but tidy sum.
What do you say we go see a scary creature feature
at the Monarch Theatre?
- A creature feature? [scoffs]
- Boo! - Snoresville!
- Go find a windowsill and dangle.
- You got too many points, you cube.
- We're going to a creature feature in real life
with these swell Scarecrow drugs.
- Scarecrow drugs?
- They take you on a spook house ride
through your mind, daddy-o!
- Want to try some?
- Like all addicts,
we're eager to give away our drugs for free!
- I don't know if I should.
- Your teenagers know them by many names:
October surprise, Jack Pumpkinhead,
skeleton dust, trick, treat, candy corn,
ghosties, and witchers.
They're Scarecrow drugs, designer narcotics
which give users intense adrenaline-charged episodes
of panic and euphoria.
And they're in Gotham's schools and on her playgrounds.
Talk to your children about Scarecrow drugs.
Tell them it's not neat-o to take a fright trip,
and it's not cool to kick a daymare.
Tell your teenagers if they feel pressure
to take Scarecrow drugs,
they should just say "GLARBIMACTAFIN."
It's the with it way to say "no way."
GLARBIMACTAFIN stands for:
"Get lost, all right, buster?
I made a choice to abstain from illegal narcotics."
- GLARBIMACTAFIN!
[upbeat piano music]
- ♪ If you missed it, we'll say it again ♪
♪ That word is GLARBIMACTAFIN ♪
- Hello, Gotham City.
I'm Mayor Hamilton Hill reminding you
if you want to keep Scarecrow drugs off the street,
that word is GLARBIMACTAFIN.
Seriously?
What, did a cat walk across a typewriter?
What am I reading here?
How is anyone gonna remember this?
Mother Mavis, how much did we pay for this campaign?
How much? You know what?
Hey, forget it.
We're going with GLARBIMACTAFIN apparently.
Hay, Paul, great work. You too, Phil.
The amazing Peabody brothers, everyone.
No, I'm not being sarcastic. No, no, no, I'm not.
No, GLARBIMACTAFIN-- GLARBIMAC--am I say--
GLARBIMACTA-- no, it's great, Paul.
It is.
You know what it sounds like?
Diarrhea medicine. [snorts]
Scarecrow drugs. [drink sloshes]
[gulps, sighs]
Can't kids just get drunk like we did in school?
You know, something wrong with good old booze, huh?
Why do they have to fry their brains with the chemicals
that masked psychopath keeps pumping out?
No, I'm not doing another take. Use this one, go ahead.
- This has been a message from the mayor's council
for drug abuse.
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city where birds of a feather
all cook in the same pot.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
[music fades]
An elegant brownstone in one of the few remaining neighborhoods
unblighted by Gotham's criminal malaise.
Senator Morgan Montgomery is concluding a meeting
with the assistant district attorney
before his court appearance tomorrow.
- Is that all you'll be needing from me?
- That's all for tonight, Senator.
You need your rest.
It's gonna be a long day of testimony for you.
With your help, we can finally make some charges
against this mafioso stick.
- I'd be happy to do it.
Oswald Cobblepot is the rot at the heart of this great city.
And the first step of its rehabilitation
is his swift excision.
- It's not everyone who would stand up to the Penguin
in open court.
- The Penguin.
Oswald Cobblepot is a bully and a thief hiding
behind a tissue-thin veneer of respectability,
and it's time more people in Gotham City knew it.
- There are bound to be reprisals
from the Gotham underworld.
Oswald Cobblepot will try to get to you.
- This isn't some back room
in his ridiculous frozen casino.
He doesn't scare me.
Here, let me get the door for you.
Oh, council, you forgot your umbrella.
- Thanks, but you're mistaken. I didn't bring an umbrella.
Good night, senator.
- The bewildered legislator stares
at the strange umbrella in his hand.
How did it get in his umbrella stand?
Was it there before?
Such is his confusion that he almost fails
to notice the note attached.
- What's this?
"From the desk of Oswald Cobblepot."
What is this?
- Elegant script inked in a steady hand
onto the finest vellum.
It reads...
- Bonsior, Senator Montgomery.
Please accept this umbrella as a token of my limitless esteem.
It is my ardent hope that an umbrella is sufficient
to deflect the consequences should the dark clouds roll in.
I myself always carry an umbrella.
Sometimes, I carry two because it is a sad truth
that the cruelest devastation can thunder down
out of the clear blue sky.
Here's an interesting fact.
Certain bush tribes of New Guinea
must blindfold their infant children
when they're outdoors.
Do you know why?
It's because in that part of the world,
the nankeen kestrel bird is known to swoop down suddenly
and pluck out their babies' eyeballs,
which they devour on the spot.
[bird shrieking]
You and your wife Mary have a baby,
don't you, Senator Montgomery?
What a coincidence, I have a nankeen kestrel bird.
[bird screeches] [quacking laughter]
Kindest regards to you and yours, Oswald Cob--
- There you are. What are you reading?
- Oh, Mary. You startled me.
- Not so loud, dear. [baby cries]
Oh, you woke the baby. What is it, darling?
What are you reading there? You look positively ashen--
- Nothing, dear, nothing. Go back--go back upstairs.
And for God's sake, close the skylight
in the nursery tightly.
I need to make a phone call.
[rotary dial whirs]
[line trilling]
Yes, this is Senator Montgomery.
I'd like to leave a message for the assistant DA.
No, it can't wait until court tomorrow.
Because I won't be in court tomorrow.
♪ ♪
- In Gotham, the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.
But only the Penguin holds an umbrella.
Such is "Life and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
"Life and Death in Gotham City" epilogue.
On the rooftop of GCPD headquarters,
the brand-new Bat-Signal has been completely disassembled
and inspected by the indefatigable members
of the bomb disposal unit
to ensure the Joker left no unpleasant surprises behind.
- Well, yeah, I'd say that's it, Neaves.
Just check "no" on all the forms.
There's no trip wires, no charges of any kind,
no chemical residue, no killer jack-in-the-boxes.
- Jacks-in-the-box?
- Let's say jacks-in-boxes.
Just put down no jacks-in-boxes.
- Can you believe this is how we spend our nights now?
The first line of defense against lethally bad jokes.
- That does make you think.
I got to admit it, I never thought about it
before the whole Joker nightmare started.
- Thought about what?
- I mean, about how laughter is like a kind
of temporary insanity.
- Aw, brother, here we go.
- No, the Joker might be onto something.
Think about it, have you ever just-just lost it laughing?
Like, worried you're gonna pass out or wet your pants.
I mean, if that's not losing your marbles, then what is?
- Wait, have you been reading those weird flyers
he leaves around town, Terrigan?
Yes, you have. - No, heck no.
Those things'll drive you crazy,
but you know, sometimes I do catch 'em
on the TV or the radio when he hacks into the broadcast.
- Can we not do something about that, by the way?
- Don't get me started.
- I mean, psychopaths are always hacking
into the public airwaves in this town
and spouting their kooky poems and riddles and codes
and whatever the heck, and I work a ten-hour shift,
and I gotta deal with this bologna
when I'm trying to relax?
- My thoughts exactly, right?
I'm trying to watch Jack Ryder one night,
and the signal breaks up, and then suddenly,
it's just Joker just sitting at a desk, right?
Just silent.
Maybe a clock was ticking. I don't remember.
But the Joker doesn't say a word.
He just starts pulling all these cheap novelty gags
out of a paper sack, right?
And arrange 'em, just, pah, pah, arranged 'em on his desk.
You know, the chattering teeth, and an arrow through the head,
and a rubber chicken, can of spring-loaded snakes.
You know the stuff. It's all that stuff.
He laid it out, all the junk, and that was it,
just stared at the camera for, like, another two minutes.
Then it was over. - Weirdo.
- I don't know, Neaves. You didn't see it.
All those corny jokes there
sitting there lifeless on the desk,
it wasn't funny.
It was a wide awake nightmare.
The human teeth and a bird carcass
and the snakes, and I think there was fake vomit.
This heap of sick trash looked like it came out of a trunk
of a serial killer's car,
and they were supposed to be jokes.
And then all of a sudden I've got it.
The joke is, it's all a horror,
and if you're laughing, you've lost your mind.
- That's real fricking cheerful, Terrigan.
- Let's just say, I stick to the cowboy movies now.
I don't take in a lot of comedies.
Who knows if one day I'll start laughing and never come back?
- Detective Neaves reaches for an easy response
to this seemingly absurd concern,
but she comes up empty-handed.
Fortunately, Gotham City decides to change the subject.
[crash]
- Holy crow, what was that?
- Sounds like a structural collapse,
transformer explosion. [people screaming]
There's smoke rising near Arkham Asylum.
Sure looks like a breakout.
- Always Arkham Asylum,
always a breakout with that place.
- Neaves, I think we better get this signal thing
put back together pronto.
This one's gonna be for the Batman.
[sirens wailing]
- As sirens wail to life,
a distant sound is heard somewhere in the city below.
Muffled laughter, or is that sobbing?
And how is it possible to confuse the two?
That mystery forms the central axis
of "Life and Death in Gotham City."
To be continued.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Ike Barinholtz, Toby Huss, Dennis McNicholas,
Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell, Paula Pell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, Pete Schultz, Brent Spiner,
Jason Sudeikis, Keenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,
Melissa Villaseñor, Ray Wise, Doug Bossi, Erica Phillips,
Tony Phillips, Robbie Wyckoff.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements are
trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪