- Blue Ribbon Content presents "Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[radio static]
- [clears throat]
We're rolling, Mickey? All right.
No, no, no, I'm good. Let's just get this in the can.
It's only the lunatics out this time of night.
Cue the intro!
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Gotham City One ♪
- Good evening, folks.
Jack Ryder live for Gotham Cit--
[tires screeching] Ahh!
- Hey! [crash]
- Serves you right, you jackass!
- Lowlife punk. - Back at you.
- Ah, you hear that beautiful racket?
That's the music of Gotham City,
the largest city in the world, the big gargoyle,
the treasure of the night.
Anyone who calls it a crime-infested hellhole
is dead wrong.
No way hell has such great pierogis.
Who am I? Who are you, a tourist?
I'm Jack Ryder, and this is "Gotham Is Talking"
live on Gotham City One.
I'm on the street in the heart of downtown
to hear what Gotham is talking about tonight.
And unless you've been living in a cave,
you're talking about controversial local weirdo--
excuse me, hero, the Batman.
After years of rumors, we find out
not only is the Batman real,
not only is he one of the good guys,
turns out he's gonna be a cop.
That's right.
Our sources say, despite his campaign
of illegal vigilante activity,
the mysterious Batman is now officially working
as a special consultant to the GCPD.
As we wait for details from the mayor's office,
we ask Gothamites in the grips of Batmania what they think
about the big news.
- Wait, the Batman's got a badge now?
I don't know about that.
He still gonna dangle punks off buildings?
- Well--
- Because that's a public service right there.
He dangled my mouthy brother-in-law off a building,
and let's just say, you know, he's not so mouthy no more.
Hey, Batman-- - Okay.
- If you're listening-- - Oh, he's not.
- I got a cousin who needs an attitude adjustment.
- Oh, that's not-- - Yeah, his name is Frankie--
- Oh, don't say his name-- - Steampipe, 744--
- Don't say his address-- - West 87--
- You know what? Maybe cut him off.
[beep]
- I don't know about that Batman.
He shows up, we get a Joker.
Joker shows up, we get a Riddler.
- Sure. - [coughing]
- Ugh. Not all over the mic.
- I'm getting out of town before some numskull
tries a knock-knock gimmick.
You know the Knock-Knocker is at home
sewing himself a costume right now.
[hacks]
- You want a tissue or something?
- This friggin' town. [beep]
- What do you think of the news
that Batman is working with the city?
- Whoo! Go Gas Lamps! - Okay.
- We're gonna win the pennant! Metropolis is a bunch of bums!
- Oh, you know what? That's very immature.
[beep]
- Batman, not a fan, man.
He's disruptive, man. - Disruptive, you say?
- Yeah, man, like he pulled me
out of the window of my car, man, while I was driving it.
- Oh, my God. That's terrifying.
- Yeah, man, I just stole that car, man!
- Oh-- [beep]
- Pencils, pencils for sale!
[clinking]
Gee, thanks, mister.
- You got any thoughts about Batman, kid?
- Batman?
Well, you're gonna say it's corny,
but I used to think that someday soon
all Gotham City was just gonna collapse into a huge pit
of greed, and filth, and crazy,
but Batman makes me think
that maybe there's a future for this town.
- Kid, you may think you got nothing more in this world
than a few coins in a tin cup, but let me tell you,
you've got Gotham City spirit.
And when you got that, you got--
- [cocks gun] - Oh, you got a gun barrel
jammed into my chest.
- That's right, shoeshine. This is a stickup.
You took that schmuck bait.
- Gosh, not again. - Wow. What a maroon!
Say, that camera looks expensive.
Why don't you hand it over to my pals there.
Hey, Nico, Brainer, get the man's camera.
- You're in your late 30s, aren't you, kid?
- Hey, thanks, pal. Just turned 42.
They call me Peach Fuzz Pinkerman
if they asks who rolled ya.
- Listen, fellas. Be reasonable.
That camera belongs to the studio--
- Hand it over. - Okay.
Don't--ow. - Come on, come on.
I ain't got all day-- [crash]
[gasps] What was that?
- What?
- Nico, you see someone on that roof?
You got someone on the roof, Ryder?
- I don't know what-- [rustling]
- What the hell--oh, no, man! It's him!
It's--
- Hmm.
[grunting, blows landing]
[batarangs unsheathe, glide] - Mickey, pick up the camera!
Get the camera on him!
It's...Batman!
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city rising from eternal shadow
to scrape the black sky.
Join us now for a tale of life and death
in Gotham City February 2nd.
♪ ♪
Our adventure begins at an unseemly hour
in a darkened room reeking of imported cologne,
new leather furniture,
and the acrid whiff of narcotics.
Welcome to the private office of one
of Gotham City's many small-time vice lords.
It's a secluded refuge from a decadent gathering
of lowlifes having a party in the next room.
[people laughing]
We are alone for the moment until...
[buttons beeping]
[door opens, people chatter]
- In here, my beauty. This is my private office.
We get to know each other better here, yes?
[laughs] Look out.
[clinking] - Whoops. [laughing]
- Despite his bulk,
the flamboyantly costumed criminal kingpin moves swiftly
to catch the dizzy platinum blonde.
- Ooh. [chuckles]
Get to know each other.
Well, I'm a good one to get to know, handsome.
Wow, this is fancy digs.
Ooh, look at that, a trick mirror?
You can spy on the whole party from here, you sneaky pete.
- Eh, you got to have the eyes everywhere
if you want to survive in this town, chicky baby, right?
You know how is Gotham City.
- Sure I do. I lived here my whole life.
It's the world's biggest strip of flypaper
where all the creepy creeps land and get stuck.
- You do know Gotham, but do you know why?
Do you know why so much crime in Gotham, yes?
Because every land of milk and honey have the thirsty cat
and the hungry bear who want to taste.
[sniffs] Mmm.
- [chuckles] Thirsty cat, hm?
- Ali Baba, he find the cave full of 40 thieves, right?
Gotham got 40,000!
But always is room for one more
if you have the magic open sesame, yes?
- And do you got the magic open sesame?
- [laughs] I has it right here.
You see, this cabinet, this is my collection case.
Open sesame.
[door creaks]
- [gasps]
Geez, you got a whole lot of swords, you think?
- This is why they call me King Scimitar, babe.
- Oh, I thought you was just foreign.
- [laughs] No, no, foxy lady.
Where God put souls in other men,
in me he put the blade.
I am King Scimitar. I am the cavalier of crime.
I am the sword at Gotham's throat.
114 blades has King Scimitar.
Look.
Some are large. Some are small.
But each has spilled much blood
from one who would not pay me tribute.
All except this blade right here.
- Oh.
- This is a blade like no other blade.
You see how it shines? See how it cleaves the air?
Its steel was folded 10,000 times in the forge.
The face of the devil is carved into the hilt.
The blade is engraved with the foulest blasphemies
in ten dead languages.
I will not tell you where does this terrible thing come from.
Only where finally it will rest,
deep in the heart of my most hated enemy.
For this is the sword I'm going to use
to kill the Batman.
- You gonna kill the Batman?
- You better believe it, I am.
Everybody in Gotham gonna know the name King Scimitar
after I get the Bat.
First, I carve him to cutlets.
Then I take the cutlets, and I chop it to confetti.
And then I take the confetti, and I mince it into hash.
And then you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna take all the tiny little Bat pieces,
and I'm gonna feed them one by one to Dagger and Shank.
- Who's Dagger and Shank?
- Oh, Dagger and Shank, my pet tigers.
[laughs]
[tigers growling] Ah!
- You mean those tigers, big boy?
- Dropping the cruel cutlass as he rushes
to the two-way mirror,
the hapless pusherman sees his two giant pets sauntering
at liberty into the party,
unconcerned with the panic of the fleeing guests.
- What the nuts?
How did they get out of basement?
- I opened the door to the squalid cage
you had them stuffed into, tragic moron.
- What?
- The bewildered miscreant turns around slowly
to see his guest has shed her blonde wig
and now holds the point of his prized weapon
to his suddenly sweating throat.
- Yep, about 20 minutes ago
while you were polishing your sword somewhere.
- You--you're her.
You're that cat b--ow!
- Ah-ah-ah-ah, manners. - Woman.
Catwoman, woman, Catwoman!
- [chuckles] Surprise.
You gotta have the eyes everywhere
if you want to survive in this town, chicky baby.
- Oh, no, this is bad. This is very bad.
- Now then, in about ten seconds,
the tigers and I are walking out of here
with the contents of your personal safe
and anything else I see I like.
- Huh? - But I tell you what.
I'll leave the corny sword.
You can pawn it and buy a bus ticket out of town.
- Leave town? [impact]
Oh, no!
- Stay, and your rivals will eat you alive.
That's if I don't send the tigers back
to do the job first. [tigers growl]
- I am ruined. - Yes, you are.
[grunts] [sword clangs]
Congratulations, your highness.
[impact] - Ahh--oof.
- Everybody in Gotham is gonna know the name King Scimitar.
[laughs]
- A fool and his money are parted,
and Catwoman adds to her lavish personal fortune,
but is this a routine deposit?
And have we heard the last of King Scimitar?
Stay tuned.
The answers await in a future tale
of life and death in Gotham City.
♪ ♪
- The future, accelerated.
- Wayne Enterpri--
[radio static]
- ♪ Dark purple dawn when the moo-- ♪
- Final score is Gotham Gas Lamps 3, Metropolis--
- He's a zany clown. [slide whistle]
- He's a kooky clown! [horn honks]
- He's an "in no way affiliated with the Joker" clown.
He's Blabbo the birthday clown.
- He's available for your party or special event.
- And he, once again, wants to stress
he's in no way affiliated with the Joker.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪
♪ He is just a birthday clown ♪
♪ It's a really bad time to be a birthday clown ♪
♪ So maybe help him out ♪
- Blabbo the birthday clown.
His only crime is a really old vehicular manslaughter.
[radio static]
- Gotham, the city is a silk glove
hiding brass knuckles.
Join us now for another tale of life and death
in Gotham City.
[buzzing]
A rooftop in Gotham's Little China
on a starless night.
- The buzzing sound you hear is 10,000 volts of neon signage,
high atop Yin and Yang's Dim Sum Palace and Dumpling House.
A blazing electric yin and yang symbol two stories high
whose sputtering radiance is presently reflected
in the wide open eyes of a terrified hostage.
- Please don't do this. Don't do this.
- He's bound hand and foot and standing
beneath the sizzling electric advertisement
in a rusty tub of water.
Nearby, his captor is bickering angrily
with a relentless adversary.
- You better watch your big, fat--hey!
- Oh, pipe down, you simpleton.
Hey, Einstein, the circuit breaker's over there.
- This isn't my first electrocution.
I know what I'm doing. - Sure you do.
College boy knows everything.
- Probably seems like it to you,
doesn't it, you ignorant malcontent?
- [laughs] Nuts to that.
College boy can't wash behind his own ears.
- Despite how it may sound,
his adversary is himself.
He is one man with two voices raised in ceaseless squabble.
This conflicted creature is what remains of the man
who once was Gotham City district attorney Harvey Dent.
An act of spite left him with half his face
and a double occupancy inside his head.
- You know what I think? - Yeah, I know you don't think.
- I think this whole electrocution gimmick
is for the birds.
- Oh, then it's a good thing
your opinion means nothing to me.
- At once, he is both Jekyll and Hyde,
a smooth gentleman criminal and a cruel and vicious thug.
And their disputes are settled by the pitiless physics
of a tossed coin.
[coin clinks]
Now Gotham City calls him Two-Face.
- I said from the beginning,
we should just split this drip down the middle
with a chainsaw,
problem solved.
- Ahh!
- Yes, well, we flipped for it, and you lost.
And you know what we always say...
- [groans] Don't argue with the coin.
- We don't argue with the coin.
- [shivering nervously] You don't have to do this.
- That is not accurate, pal.
- We're sticklers for precision.
We're extremely thorough. - Two words, chief.
- Yes, neat and tidy.
- Uh-uh, tooth and nail. - What?
- And every dish needs its spoon.
You understand that? We're not savages here.
- Heh, speak for yourself. - [wails]
- The point is, sir, you're a remainder.
- W-what?
- By our calculations, you're a yin without a yang.
And that's about as useful as a pair of left shoes.
So we have to balance the books,
do a little creative accounting.
- Don't worry. It's all perfectly legal.
- No, it isn't.
It's murder one with malice a forethought.
- Fine, fine, you're the lawyer in this outfit.
I'm just here for the screaming.
And lonesome Joe here looks like a screamer.
- [whimpers]
- Ignore him please, sir.
And stand still while we wire you up.
- Please, I have a wife at home.
- Oh, yeah, your better half, huh?
Well, you should've brought her out tonight.
That would've evened things up
but made all of this unnecessary.
- As the terrified captive awaits his end,
he has no way to know his rescue is at hand,
for the scene is surreptitiously surveyed
by a sharp silhouette on an adjacent rooftop.
[dramatic music]
- Batman to Robin.
I'm in position and have a clear line of sight
on the hostage and Harvey.
He left his thugs with the hostages downstairs.
They're all yours. - Acknowledged.
I've secured the alley behind the restaurant,
and I'm standing by to kick in the kitchen door
and bust some skulls. - Hmm.
Say "infiltrate and neutralize" please, Robin.
Stand by for a signal as soon as the hostage
on the roof is out of danger.
- You can save him, Batman?
- I'm still calculating that, Robin.
I don't yet see a nonlethal option
for taking down Harvey.
- Batman, what if it comes to the lethal option?
- Nobody's dying tonight, Robin.
Thermal shows you have 32 hostages
in the main dining room.
Two armed hostiles right behind that kitchen door.
- Bob and Bub, Two-Face's trigger twins.
But hostage-taking in a Chinese restaurant?
This is real small-ball for a kingpin like Two-Face.
- It's February 2nd, Robin, 2/2,
and exactly two years ago today,
Harvey Dent suffered the disfiguring attack
that created Two-Face.
His obsession with his own duality is
beyond his control right now.
- I get it now, yin and yang.
Holy trigger warning.
- We got here just in time.
A review of security footage shows 34 minutes ago,
Two-Face took the entire restaurant hostage.
[machine gun fires] - Everybody, hands up!
- He held the patrons and the staff at gunpoint.
- You're all hostages now!
- While he obsessively arranged everything in the room
into symmetrical pairs. - Black and white...
- The furnishings, the food, every last pair of chopsticks,
he divided into yins and yangs.
- Whoa. I see where this is going.
- When he tried to divide the hostages into two groups--
- He had an odd number!
- And now he's going to eliminate the extra digit
unless I time this perfectly.
♪ ♪
[buzzing] - [groaning]
Get on the alligator clamps,
and get the GD chainsaw, you sissy.
- I get so tired of explaining things to you.
- [muffled whine] - It has to be
electrocution alternating current.
Positive, negative, positive, negative.
This is a deadly dance of opposites.
Don't you get the poetry of it?
- Here's some poetry:
Roses are red. Get the damn chainsaw.
- Oh, forget the chainsaw.
This is supposed to be a concept murder.
Yin and yang.
It's right up there in blazing neon, you chimp.
Is any of this making sense to you?
- [whimpers] Sweet mercy.
Completely insane.
- He really is. You don't know the half of it.
- He was talking about you, you twerp.
- Let's just get this over with.
- Fine.
- The fractured fiend brings the crackling alligator clamps
closer, closer...
- I hope you go to heaven, pally,
but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you
there's two possibilities.
- But just as the fatal current arcs toward the hapless victim,
a sudden split second of opportunity
into which a batarang flies.
It slices through the Gotham night
and lodges itself in the open fuse box.
The towering neon sign surges,
turning night to day with blinding white light
before-- [explosion]
exploding in a jubilee of golden and blue sparks.
- What?
- Somehow, the Batman is now behind them.
- The fuse is blown, Harvey. It's over.
Let the man go.
- Batman, we can never have a night out
without you ruining things.
- Yeah, three's a crowd, pally.
- Batman to Robin, hostage is secure.
Kick in the door, and bust some skulls.
- Yeah, copy the heck out of that!
- Harvey--
- Now don't move a muscle, Batman.
- Come here! - Hey, don't--
- We still got a trusty .22.
- And I'd venture to guess Mr. Yin here
isn't feeling all that secure at the moment.
- [whimpers] Let go!
- What do you think, Batman?
You're fast, but, uh... [cocks gun]
are you faster than point-blank?
- [whimpering]
- No, but I don't need to be.
- Batman drops slowly into a crouch.
- I just need to give you a little room
to make a mistake.
- [laughs] We don't make mistakes.
- I don't mean you and Harvey. I mean you, Two-Face.
I know Harvey runs things.
- Shut up. - Shut up.
- You're dead weight on Harvey's back.
- I said shut it, Bats.
- I think you're so used to sharing Harvey's good ideas
that if you ever had to think for yourself,
you couldn't take up the slack.
That'd be all the time I need. - Think for myself?
What's that supposed to mean?
- Imperceptibly, Batman shifts his weight forward.
- I'd tell you, but Harvey would just have
to explain it to you.
- [laughs] He's right about that.
- What are you laughing at, you snot?
What, you think you can catch me flat-footed, Bats?
- Sure I do.
All I have to do is have one word with Harvey alone.
- Ha-ha, good luck with that.
If you ain't noticed, not a lot of privacy
between me and Harvey here.
- We'll see about that, Harvey.
[speaks Latin]
- The odd Latin adage seems to echo in the night air.
And as if it were a magic incantation,
something stirs in Two-Face,
something that used to be district attorney Harvey Dent.
- [speaks Latin]
- Huh, well played, Batman.
- What--I don't--what did he say?
What did you say, Batman?
- It's Latin, Two-Face,
something any first-year law student understands.
- What's the problem, didn't you pass the bar, too?
- [grunts] - Just Harvey then.
- You trying to talk over my head?
You looking down your pointy nose at me?
- Every muscle in Batman's frame tenses,
ready for ten different contingencies,
but it's Harvey who speaks next.
- Oh, shut up.
The hostage gets another coin toss.
- What?
What did the Bat just say to you?
- He reminded me we all deserve the benefit of the doubt.
All you need to know is it was Latin for,
"This mook gets another coin toss."
But make no mistake, Batman, this toss...
- With a rolling motion,
his fingers produce a silver dollar.
- Decides this man's life.
- And before even the Batman can react,
a flick of Two-Face's thumb sends the coin airborne,
a spinning blur that hits the ground
to reveal...
- Looks like the coin returns a verdict
of innocent.
- Oh, thank-- - Shut up!
I knew it! - Here you go, Batman.
- The frightened captive is shoved into the arms
of the caped crusader.
- Oh, thank God.
- You're all right, sir,
and you're finally going to Arkham Asylum, Harvey.
Don't make this difficult. They're going to help you.
They can make you whole again.
- [cackles] Not tonight, Batsy.
- What is that sound? Robin, report.
Have you secured Harvey's thugs?
- Negative, Batman.
All the hostages are safe,
but Bob and Bub made a getaway!
- Yeah, the boys had to bring the car around.
- Incoming! Get down.
- Eh, car, airplane, same difference.
- Batman, what's going on up there?
- Harvey's thugs are scraping the roof with a biplane.
Get down, sir! [gunfire]
- Drop the ladder, boys.
- We enjoyed the dialogue, Batman.
We'll be beside ourselves until we meet again.
- Just shut up!
You embarrass me when you say stuff like that.
Do you realize that?
You sound so-so damn goofy.
♪ ♪
- Harvey has escaped, Robin. I failed.
He's loose to continue his insane rampage.
- Batman, we didn't lose.
You saved a man's life.
- Blind luck saved that man's life, Robin.
And that's not acceptable.
Someday, I'm not going to be there
when the coin comes down on the wrong side.
I realize now, even though he once was my best friend,
I have to somehow save the life of Harvey Dent
or end it once and for all.
♪ ♪
- As unfaltering as a sunrise is the Batman's belief
in second chances.
But Harvey "Two-Face" Dent has officially had
too many second chances.
What will be his final fate?
The clues can be found in a future report
filed under life and death in Gotham City.
♪ ♪
- Gotham's famous Iceberg Casino heats up
with that swinging Casanova of the cabaret,
that devilish director of dancehall do-si-do,
Stoveplate Sullivan and his Potbelly Orchestra.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Well, I'ma going on down to Gotham Infirmary ♪
♪ Got six little fishes, laid out them each ♪
♪ They pull them right out the cold, cold harbor ♪
♪ 'Cause fishes can't swim with cement feet ♪
♪ ♪
- Star of stage and cinema, Stoveplate Sullivan appears
at the Iceberg Casino every Saturday night
for an exclusive long-term engagement.
There's no bigger name
in big band than Stoveplate Sullivan,
and you won't see him anywhere else
but at Oswald Cobblepot's world-renowned Iceberg Casino.
At least, you'd better not see him anywhere else.
He signed an exclusive contract,
and Mr. Cobblepot doesn't take that lightly.
Stoveplate Sullivan's from Hollywood,
and he might not know how we do things in Gotham City,
but friendly advice,
he should avoid finding out the hard way.
- ♪ If I die tomorrow in Gotham ♪
♪ I'll leave behind a fortune in sin ♪
♪ But if I died last night in Gotham ♪
♪ Don't tell me till I finish my gin ♪
Please, can I see my daughter now?
- The Iceberg Casino... - [quacking laughter]
- Where everyone's a peng-winner!
[soft dramatic music]
- "Life and Death in Gotham City" Epilogue.
♪ ♪
[carnival music playing, children laugh]
Once this wide stretch of Gotham's waterfront was known
as Amusement Mile, a glittering pleasure district
where wholesome thrills were sold for a nickel ticket,
and ice cream men in crisp white uniforms
sold smiles by the scoop.
[dramatic music]
Today, it stands abandoned and defunct.
Like so much of Gotham,
it is a rotting reminder of her happier days.
[seagulls cawing]
Two shady figures slip through a decomposing fence
to stalk the abandoned funfair.
Once a park of amusements,
now it is a kingdom of rats, and trash, and broken windows.
And its monarch is a monster. - [cackling]
- Tonight, these two seek an audience with his majesty.
♪ ♪
- It's just, I really need a job,
and I want to be part of something big.
- Okay, man, relax.
I'm telling you, it's just a job interview,
nothing to sweat.
I've worked for the man for years.
The pay is unbelievable.
The messed up stories, well, they're just stories, man.
Geez louise, you look like you just saw the Bat.
You're gonna be great.
- He gonna like me? - I didn't say that.
- He scary? - Heh.
Only if you're afraid of clowns.
- A'ight, so everybody's heard he's hiring all of a sudden,
which is weird 'cause he's kind of been real quiet lately.
- Oh, yeah, the boss was terrible blue
when they let him out of Arkham last time.
He moped around like crazy.
"Nothing is funny anymore," he said.
If I'm honest, I thought that maybe this time,
you know, they actually cured him, you know?
Like, he wasn't faking this time.
[glass shatters, cat yowls] Then all of a sudden,
one day last week, he's his old self again.
You know what that means. - Uh, no.
- It means, take your seats, ladies and gentlemen,
the show's about to begin.
- I want to be part of it, man.
This is gonna be legendary.
Hey, I worked for the Riddler for a few weeks.
Do I tell him that? - Nah, man.
It's better if you don't mention the Riddler.
He says the Riddler's crazy. - [laughs]
He says the Riddler is crazy. [laughs]
That's like the kook calling the wacko nuts,
you know what I mean? [rats squeaking]
What? What's that look for?
What'd I say?
- Yeah, okay, this is a good time to go over the rules.
- Th-there's rules?
- First, do not kid about the subject of mental health
in front of him. - Oh, shoot, yeah?
- And don't go anywhere near the subject in any context.
It's personal for him. - Oh, yeah, right, for sure.
- Now, he might bring it up,
maybe ask you if you've ever seen a shrink before.
Make something up quick if you have to,
but don't say no because that will light him up,
and he'll want to peel your skull like an egg.
- Oh, want to what now?
- You know, be the first to, uh, poke around in your attic.
Psychiatry is his hobby, and he's not good at it.
But hey, go for it if that sounds like fun.
He'll strap you to a couch and ask you questions
about your mother for 30 hours straight.
- Cripes, man.
- Now, do not eat or drink anything he might offer you.
This will offend him, not gonna lie,
but that beats taking your chances with anything
you gotta put in your mouth.
See, a lot of his jokes have the same punchline,
you getting your stomach pumped.
- I-I don't know about this--any of this.
I think I'm gonna-- - Hey, speaking of jokes,
if he starts telling a corny old joke you've heard before,
for crying out loud, don't fake laugh.
I'm serious as stage four, man. Do not do it.
I mean, how you thread that needle's up to you,
but if he feels like you're condescending to him
on the subject of humor [chuckles]
he will stick a switchblade up your nose.
Best bet is just be polite.
- Your advice is "be polite."
- That's always good advice,
even when you're not meeting the clown prince of crime.
Now, this is it, his office.
- The two men have stopped abruptly
at a ramshackle façade that somewhere,
under decades of graffiti and grime,
might still say "fun house."
- Remember, he's gonna touch you a lot.
This is normal and not necessarily bad,
but the most important thing is whatever you do,
if you forget everything else I just told you,
the one thing that you got
to remember is do not-- [door opens]
- Suddenly, the fun house door flies open.
There is something in the doorway.
- Howdy, boys.
Some nice night.
[laughs]
- It is a hideous grin with a man attached.
- Hey, who's got two thumbs and loves a full moon, huh?
The guy I got tied up inside, that's who.
- [muffled whimpering] Please, please don't do this.
- You would have no way of knowing that,
but he was just telling me-- oh, wait.
Did I say two thumbs?
Sorry, that's not the latest information.
- Stumbling backwards,
the trembling recruit can only stammer.
- J-J-Jo-Jo-- - Joe-Joe?
Who's Joe-Joe? No Joe-Joe here, friend.
Joe-Joe left his home in Tucson, Arizona.
Everybody knows that.
Say, Charlie, who is this screwball?
Is he trying to sell me insurance?
- Evening, Boss. This is Rocco.
- Yeah, but-- - Huh?
Rocco? Who the Sam Hill is Rocco?
Who the Sam Hill is Sam Hill, huh?
Speak up, Sam.
- Pleased to meet you, Mr. Joker sir, I--
- Rocco, boss, is the next new recruit.
He's here for the job interview.
- Yeah, but I think I changed my mind.
- Oh, Rocco, right, Rocco.
Rocco, he's botho sock-o,
hickory dickory dock-o.
Well, we're off to a kind of bad start, Rocco, aren't we?
- I don't--uh--
- Let's start over inside.
Oh, you feel tense.
I'll make you a drink.
- As he is led inside,
the young recruit considers the choices he's made in life.
- Speaking of drinks, you heard this one?
Pirate walks into a bar, Rocco.
He's got a ship's wheel on his belt buckle.
[laughs]
[dramatic music]
- At the abandoned fun house, the cracked mirrors twist
and reverse all they see.
Once, children played here.
It was a place of screams and laughter.
Now a madman plays here.
It is a place of laughter and screams.
Such is "Life and Death in Gotham City."
To be continued.
♪ ♪
[radio static]
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Written and directed by Dennis McNicholas.
Based on the DC comic "Batman."
Created by Bob Kane with Bill Finger.
Based on characters from DC Comics.
With performances by Jeffrey Wright,
Fred Armisen, Ike Barinholtz, Rosario Dawson, Toby Huss,
Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell, Paula Pell,
Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers, Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,
Brent Spiner, Melissa Villaseñor,
Ray Wise, Anna Crowe, Erica Phillips, Rosie Phillips,
Tony Phillips, Roddy Wyckoff.
Executive produced by Jon Berg.
Executive produced by Kiliaen Van Rensselaer,
Deborah Henderson, and Jordana Freydberg.
Produced by Dennis McNicholas.
Produced by Angela Petrella.
Music by Doug Bossi.
Sound recording, design, and mixing by Big Yellow Duck.
Sound design, mixing, dialogue editing,
and rerecording mixing by Chris Gibney.
Production manager Kay Tinder.
Post supervisor Deanna Saracino.
Writers' assistants Trey Woodard
and Scott Weinstein.
Additional sound recording by Icemen Audio.
Production legal Jordan Rock.
Production accounting Reva Jones and Steven D. Smith.
Original songs by Doug Bossi and Tony Phillips.
Special thanks Bill Weinstein and Bryan Besser.
Production services provided by Insurrection Media.
The characters and events depicted
in this podcast are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person living or dead
or to any actual events, firms, places, and institutions,
or other entities is coincidental and unintentional.
This podcast is protected under the laws
of the United States and other countries,
and its unauthorized duplication,
distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability
and criminal prosecution.
Country of first publication United States of America.
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
Copyright 2019 Warner Brothers Entertainment Incorporated.
Batman and all related characters and elements
are trademark and copyright DC Comics.
All rights reserved.
♪ ♪