1
00:00:06,584 --> 00:00:07,751
[neon buzzing]

2
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:13,293
-[festive holiday music]
-[Diane] I love Christmastime in Chicago.

3
00:00:13,376 --> 00:00:16,209
The family gatherings, the holiday spirit,

4
00:00:16,293 --> 00:00:18,876
the hot rum-breath on all the mustaches.

5
00:00:18,959 --> 00:00:21,626
But the best part
is the day before Christmas,

6
00:00:21,709 --> 00:00:24,043
which I call Christmas Eve.

7
00:00:24,126 --> 00:00:26,126
It's all the best parties
rolled into one night,

8
00:00:26,209 --> 00:00:28,626
and I'm the lord and savior of them all!

9
00:00:29,501 --> 00:00:31,584
Now, where is that damn holiday train?

10
00:00:31,668 --> 00:00:34,251
Can't we just take a regular train?
I'm freezing.

11
00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:36,834
The holiday train is like your Aunt Diane,

12
00:00:36,918 --> 00:00:39,293
fully lit and only comes
for those who wait.

13
00:00:39,376 --> 00:00:42,334
Okay, we gotta do less innuendo
in the new year.

14
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:44,209
It's frickin' here!

15
00:00:46,418 --> 00:00:48,168
Wow, it's beautiful!

16
00:00:48,251 --> 00:00:50,376
Yeah, that's how he gets ya.

17
00:00:50,459 --> 00:00:51,834
How who gets you?

18
00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,084
Ho, ho, ho!

19
00:00:53,168 --> 00:00:54,834
Oh no.

20
00:00:54,918 --> 00:00:55,918
Remember me, Santa?

21
00:00:56,001 --> 00:00:59,001
You came down my chimney,
and all I got was crabs.

22
00:00:59,084 --> 00:01:00,251
Sweet baby Jesus.

23
00:01:00,334 --> 00:01:02,668
So how you gonna make it up to me?

24
00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:04,376
[groans]

25
00:01:05,126 --> 00:01:07,876
Daniel, how great is this?

26
00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:11,126
Truth is, I already had the crabs.

27
00:01:11,209 --> 00:01:12,501
[both laughing]

28
00:01:12,584 --> 00:01:16,209
Happy freakin' holidays!

29
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:18,168
[Diane and Daniel cheer]

30
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:25,168
I got a killer lineup
for Christmas Eve tonight.

31
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,918
First, we go to your parents
for appeteazers,

32
00:01:28,001 --> 00:01:30,001
then Mikey's for hot toddies,

33
00:01:30,084 --> 00:01:31,959
then to Borough for my work party.

34
00:01:32,043 --> 00:01:35,668
But right now, let's crack open
this pony keg and our gifts.

35
00:01:35,751 --> 00:01:36,918
[grunts]

36
00:01:37,001 --> 00:01:40,251
Aw! It's a jar of… warm mayonnaise?

37
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:43,418
No, it's my famous homemade lotion.

38
00:01:43,501 --> 00:01:44,918
This year, it's Malört-scented,

39
00:01:45,001 --> 00:01:47,626
which also keeps the bugs away
come bikini season.

40
00:01:47,709 --> 00:01:50,251
Wow, this is actually nice.

41
00:01:51,209 --> 00:01:53,918
Is it normal for my arm to feel drunk?

42
00:01:54,001 --> 00:01:55,334
That's how you know it's workin'.

43
00:01:55,418 --> 00:01:57,626
By the way, I'm gonna need that jar back.

44
00:01:57,709 --> 00:01:58,751
-Right now?
-Yeah.

45
00:01:58,834 --> 00:02:02,043
Just scoop out the lotion
and put it in some foil. Now my turn!

46
00:02:03,668 --> 00:02:05,584
Honey baked ham dick!

47
00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:08,751
A new computer phone?
How could you afford this?

48
00:02:08,834 --> 00:02:10,376
It's actually my old one.

49
00:02:10,459 --> 00:02:13,709
I transferred your contacts,
and you still have the same number.

50
00:02:13,793 --> 00:02:15,751
312-DIROCKS.

51
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:18,168
Look at me. I'm so fancy.

52
00:02:18,251 --> 00:02:20,418
-Now I can watch porn on my phone.
-[rings]

53
00:02:20,501 --> 00:02:23,126
Ah! God, no! Make it go away!

54
00:02:23,834 --> 00:02:25,793
Merry Christmas to you too, Di.

55
00:02:25,876 --> 00:02:28,543
I see that Daniel gave you your present.

56
00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:29,709
I have your gift too.

57
00:02:29,793 --> 00:02:32,709
Once Daniel gives me the jar back,
you can have it.

58
00:02:32,793 --> 00:02:34,793
What time do you want us
to come over tonight?

59
00:02:34,876 --> 00:02:37,251
Oh, this year,
we're going to Mark's parents.

60
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:38,793
-What do you think, hon?
-No.

61
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:41,834
-I told you at Thanksgiving.
-Oh, okay.

62
00:02:41,918 --> 00:02:43,918
You told me critical information

63
00:02:44,001 --> 00:02:46,251
on the 16th biggest
drinking day of the year?

64
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:49,376
I'd ask you to come,
but they're Christian Scientists,

65
00:02:49,459 --> 00:02:51,543
and they believe in prayer over medicine.

66
00:02:51,626 --> 00:02:53,834
You're too big a health risk
for their immune system.

67
00:02:53,918 --> 00:02:54,876
That's ridic--

68
00:02:54,959 --> 00:02:56,501
[coughing, wheezing]

69
00:02:56,584 --> 00:02:59,501
Daniel, we'll see you in an hour,
and wear your Christmas vest.

70
00:02:59,584 --> 00:03:00,584
You're goin' too?

71
00:03:00,668 --> 00:03:04,918
Sorry, Aunt Diane, but you do have
more of a New Year's Eve energy.

72
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:07,209
Plus, he has to be home for Santa to come.

73
00:03:07,293 --> 00:03:09,501
Santa comes anywhere, trust me.

74
00:03:09,584 --> 00:03:12,168
Diane, that is inappropriate
when you're talking about Santa--

75
00:03:12,251 --> 00:03:13,793
Phone off!

76
00:03:15,043 --> 00:03:18,459
-Uh, are you going to be okay tonight?
-Of course I am.

77
00:03:18,543 --> 00:03:20,418
I'm gonna have a great dinner with Mikey

78
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,959
and then arrive
at my work party fashionably late.

79
00:03:23,043 --> 00:03:26,626
Why would I wanna go to Mark's parents'
lame-ass, milquetoast…

80
00:03:26,709 --> 00:03:28,668
We're still on the phone.

81
00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:31,084
…positively delightful get-together.

82
00:03:31,168 --> 00:03:33,376
Okay, bye!

83
00:03:33,459 --> 00:03:35,376
Daniel, hang it up for me.

84
00:03:35,459 --> 00:03:36,959
♪ …six geese a-layin' ♪

85
00:03:37,043 --> 00:03:38,876
♪ Five golden-- ♪

86
00:03:39,626 --> 00:03:40,501
Balls!

87
00:03:40,584 --> 00:03:42,543
Ma, what are you doin' here?

88
00:03:42,626 --> 00:03:45,126
I know I'm early,
but I figured we could pregame.

89
00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:48,126
Gabriella, you look gorgeous, sweetie.

90
00:03:48,209 --> 00:03:51,168
-Thank you, Miss Dunbrowski.
-So where's everybody headed?

91
00:03:51,251 --> 00:03:55,001
Um, we were just leavin'
to go to the Zoo Lights. I texted ya.

92
00:03:55,084 --> 00:03:57,959
Zoo Lights!
Oh, I could get down with that.

93
00:03:58,043 --> 00:04:01,334
It was Heidi's idea.
She loves the bird exhibit.

94
00:04:02,001 --> 00:04:03,834
Have you two officially met?

95
00:04:03,918 --> 00:04:05,751
Hi, I'm Heidi.

96
00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:06,834
Hello, sweetie.

97
00:04:06,918 --> 00:04:10,126
So, what's the lowdown
with this bird show? They just fly around?

98
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,501
Well, they also sing and dance.

99
00:04:12,584 --> 00:04:14,834
Those angels are so talented.

100
00:04:14,918 --> 00:04:17,834
Okay, that does sound
kind of funny. I'm in.

101
00:04:17,918 --> 00:04:21,001
Sorry, Ma, but we had to
get tickets ahead of time.

102
00:04:21,084 --> 00:04:22,251
I would've gotten you one,

103
00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:24,418
but you got that lifetime ban
from the zoo.

104
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:27,084
Yeah, I guess the monkeys
can throw poop at you,

105
00:04:27,168 --> 00:04:29,793
but if you throw it back,
you're the bad guy.

106
00:04:29,876 --> 00:04:32,793
Now that I think about it,
I can't join ya anyway.

107
00:04:32,876 --> 00:04:35,876
I have to be at my work party.
I'm very busy.

108
00:04:35,959 --> 00:04:39,626
Mikey and Gabriella,
here's your present. It's lotion I made.

109
00:04:39,709 --> 00:04:41,001
I love ya both.

110
00:04:41,084 --> 00:04:43,084
-Thanks, Ma.
-Thanks, Mrs. Dunbrowski.

111
00:04:43,168 --> 00:04:44,793
Merry Christmas, Diane.

112
00:04:44,876 --> 00:04:47,251
Thanks, Kurt. Have fun, everyone.

113
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:51,126
And watch out for the girl monkey.
She's got a frickin' arm on her.

114
00:04:51,209 --> 00:04:53,501
[jaunty holiday music]

115
00:04:56,168 --> 00:04:57,084
[door slams open]

116
00:04:57,168 --> 00:04:59,918
-[wind rushing]
-Merry cosmos and a happy new beer!

117
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:03,793
I never thought I'd say this,
but I am glad to be at work.

118
00:05:03,876 --> 00:05:05,584
Oh thank God you're here.

119
00:05:05,668 --> 00:05:09,334
Girl, we need someone to fill in
the awkward spaces in conversation.

120
00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:12,584
Check this out.
I thought of it in the cab.

121
00:05:12,668 --> 00:05:16,293
Woo! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Pabst.

122
00:05:16,876 --> 00:05:19,459
Come on, people, let's frickin' party!

123
00:05:19,543 --> 00:05:21,043
Diane, stop!

124
00:05:21,126 --> 00:05:22,834
Corporate is watching.

125
00:05:22,918 --> 00:05:25,043
Every Borough location is livestreaming.

126
00:05:25,126 --> 00:05:28,126
There's absolutely no drinking allowed.

127
00:05:28,209 --> 00:05:30,334
We can't drink at a holiday party?

128
00:05:30,418 --> 00:05:33,084
This is an infringement
on my religious freedoms.

129
00:05:33,168 --> 00:05:35,834
You are not oppressed!

130
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:38,793
Come on, let's set up
some fake cardboard people,

131
00:05:38,876 --> 00:05:40,626
put 'em on strings like Home Alone,

132
00:05:40,709 --> 00:05:42,626
and go get blottoed in the break room.

133
00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:43,959
Hmm, let's see.

134
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:47,834
Get drunk with you in a closet,
or keep my 401(k).

135
00:05:47,918 --> 00:05:52,126
Hmm, I'm really gonna have to
think about this one for a second.

136
00:05:52,709 --> 00:05:56,168
-[man] Attention, Borough fam…
-Okay, ladies, focus up.

137
00:05:56,918 --> 00:05:59,084
Hey, everybody, it's your boy,

138
00:05:59,168 --> 00:06:01,876
actor and corporate influencer,
Jerry Ferrara.

139
00:06:01,959 --> 00:06:04,876
If you're celebrating
the Borough holiday party, press one.

140
00:06:04,959 --> 00:06:06,959
For Wetzel's Pretzels, press two.

141
00:06:07,043 --> 00:06:08,834
For Monsanto, smash three.

142
00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:13,293
For a holiday party where you can't drink,
press my mouth against a tailpipe--

143
00:06:13,376 --> 00:06:14,209
Hush!

144
00:06:14,293 --> 00:06:17,543
♪ 'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the crib ♪

145
00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:19,501
♪ No homies were stirring over here ♪

146
00:06:19,584 --> 00:06:21,168
♪ Not even a friggin' mouse ♪

147
00:06:22,293 --> 00:06:23,251
[coughs]

148
00:06:23,334 --> 00:06:24,834
That wasn't champagne. I'm coughing.

149
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,668
Diane, that's strike number two.

150
00:06:26,751 --> 00:06:28,668
-You're out.
-It's three strikes and you're out.

151
00:06:28,751 --> 00:06:31,293
It's two strikes in Corporate America.

152
00:06:31,376 --> 00:06:32,918
And one if you Black.

153
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,959
Tina, Zuzs, whaddya say?

154
00:06:35,043 --> 00:06:37,626
You two, me,
parking lot, bottle of schnapps,

155
00:06:37,709 --> 00:06:39,584
maybe a smokie, maybe a tokie--

156
00:06:39,668 --> 00:06:40,959
Diane, stop. Okay, stop.

157
00:06:41,043 --> 00:06:44,959
We also choose 401(k).
I want to retire by time I'm 40.

158
00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:46,251
How are you not 40?

159
00:06:46,334 --> 00:06:50,126
Fine, I'll go to a real party,
where people know how to have fun.

160
00:06:52,376 --> 00:06:54,543
Sanctuary!

161
00:06:54,626 --> 00:06:58,876
♪ …sleep in heavenly peace ♪

162
00:06:58,959 --> 00:06:59,793
[mic feedback]

163
00:06:59,876 --> 00:07:02,126
That's my daughter's favorite song.

164
00:07:02,209 --> 00:07:04,209
Haven't seen her in two decades.

165
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:06,334
Now, these are my people.

166
00:07:06,418 --> 00:07:09,043
-Larry, how are ya?
-[mumbles incoherently]

167
00:07:09,126 --> 00:07:12,251
Your son got into Northwestern? Congrats!

168
00:07:12,334 --> 00:07:14,334
Diane, what are you doin' here?

169
00:07:14,418 --> 00:07:17,168
Christmas Eve is the one night of the year
you don't come in.

170
00:07:17,251 --> 00:07:19,709
What can I say? I missed my crew.

171
00:07:19,793 --> 00:07:23,043
You, Larry,
that guy cryin' while he sings.

172
00:07:23,126 --> 00:07:26,418
Luanne, what say you and me
hit up the karaoke together?

173
00:07:26,501 --> 00:07:29,751
I'm thinkin', "The Boy Is Mine."
Shotgun, Brandy!

174
00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:32,084
I can't. I gotta clean up that guy's puke.

175
00:07:32,168 --> 00:07:34,334
And that guy's puke. You want somethin'?

176
00:07:34,918 --> 00:07:37,084
Just give me an Old Style
with an egg in it.

177
00:07:38,084 --> 00:07:39,334
Here you go, Larry.

178
00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,668
Don't even worry
about givin' me the bag back.

179
00:07:41,751 --> 00:07:43,959
[Larry mumbling indistinctly]

180
00:07:44,043 --> 00:07:47,001
Jeez, even Larry's got a family dinner.

181
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,459
I wanted a beer nog, Luanne.

182
00:07:49,543 --> 00:07:52,626
Huh. And I wanted
to marry Martina Navratilova,

183
00:07:52,709 --> 00:07:55,459
and yet I'm not allowed
within 1,000 yards of her.

184
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:56,584
[sighs]

185
00:07:56,668 --> 00:08:00,418
Gotta say, Luanne,
this is not how I pictured my night goin'.

186
00:08:00,501 --> 00:08:02,918
Christmas is about
bein' with those you're closest to,

187
00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:06,001
and yet, here I am, basically alone.

188
00:08:06,084 --> 00:08:10,709
Without you, this would be
my most pathetic Christmas Eve ever.

189
00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:13,501
Yeah, I know. I wish I was there too.

190
00:08:13,584 --> 00:08:16,043
Just waitin' for these losers
to get outta here.

191
00:08:16,126 --> 00:08:17,543
-Fuck me.
-[phone buzzes]

192
00:08:18,668 --> 00:08:19,876
Go for Double D.

193
00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,959
Hi, I'm calling from West Side Hospital.

194
00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:25,418
That's right by my favorite pierogi place.

195
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:29,459
Is this Diane Dunbrowski
who was married to a Sean Vincent?

196
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,209
Yeah, he's my piece of shit
second husband,

197
00:08:32,293 --> 00:08:34,418
but I haven't seen him in 20 years.

198
00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:36,459
Well, I'm sorry to tell you this,

199
00:08:36,543 --> 00:08:39,668
but Mr. Vincent's
been in a motorcycle accident.

200
00:08:39,751 --> 00:08:42,001
Oh, that's too bad.

201
00:08:42,084 --> 00:08:43,834
I hope the asphalt's okay.

202
00:08:43,918 --> 00:08:46,584
You're Mr. Vincent's emergency contact,

203
00:08:46,668 --> 00:08:51,126
so we're required by law to notify you.
Would you like to come see him?

204
00:08:52,418 --> 00:08:54,251
[sobbing]

205
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,126
All right, I love you guys too.

206
00:08:56,209 --> 00:08:57,876
Hey, and save me some dessert.

207
00:08:57,959 --> 00:09:00,293
Yeah, fine. I'll be right there.

208
00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:02,376
Sorry, guys, gotta go.

209
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:03,876
Can I come?

210
00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:07,001
Uh, see, the thing about that is…

211
00:09:07,084 --> 00:09:08,126
Okay, bye!

212
00:09:13,543 --> 00:09:15,501
I'm here to see Sean Vincent.

213
00:09:16,209 --> 00:09:20,418
Oh yeah, it looks like a steamroller
took him out on Mannheim Road.

214
00:09:20,501 --> 00:09:22,459
He's in room 1069.

215
00:09:22,543 --> 00:09:23,626
Nice.

216
00:09:23,709 --> 00:09:25,834
I mean, it sounds bad.

217
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:27,918
To be honest, I'm shocked you picked up.

218
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:32,251
He hadn't updated
his emergency contact in over 20 years.

219
00:09:32,334 --> 00:09:34,709
Ah, shit, mine's probably still Kurt.

220
00:09:34,793 --> 00:09:36,959
I bet Heidi wouldn't like that.

221
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,584
Should I make mine Daniel?

222
00:09:38,668 --> 00:09:41,501
I don't know.
I don't know any of those people.

223
00:09:41,584 --> 00:09:43,709
But before you go, you need to sign these.

224
00:09:43,793 --> 00:09:45,168
After he goes into surgery,

225
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,834
we have to release him
to someone for outpatient care.

226
00:09:47,918 --> 00:09:51,084
[laughing] Oh no. I'm just droppin' by.

227
00:09:51,168 --> 00:09:53,084
He's not my problem anymore.

228
00:09:53,168 --> 00:09:54,543
Merry Christmas, sweetie.

229
00:09:54,626 --> 00:09:57,001
-Here's some lotion.
-Ugh.

230
00:10:00,376 --> 00:10:01,876
All right, your turn, Dad.

231
00:10:01,959 --> 00:10:04,793
Let's see you beat
my triple-word score on "khakis."

232
00:10:06,209 --> 00:10:09,501
-Oopsie, my baby has a little spill.
-Ooh, Mom, I gotta get this.

233
00:10:10,293 --> 00:10:13,793
-Gingerbread Jesus?
-Oh, a crown of candy corns.

234
00:10:13,876 --> 00:10:17,543
So how are you two adjusting
to being empty nesters?

235
00:10:17,626 --> 00:10:20,251
It's been tough not having my baby around.

236
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:23,084
-There's definitely a void.
-There is?

237
00:10:23,168 --> 00:10:25,168
We know how you feel.
When Mark left for college,

238
00:10:25,251 --> 00:10:28,001
we'd just sit in his room
polishing his coin collection.

239
00:10:28,084 --> 00:10:29,876
Turns out, that ruins the value.

240
00:10:29,959 --> 00:10:30,959
Sorry again, Mark.

241
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:33,751
Oh, it's fine, seriously.

242
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,793
[sniffles] Excuse me for a second.

243
00:10:36,543 --> 00:10:38,418
Aunt Diane? You're breaking up.

244
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:40,084
I'm at West Side Hospital.

245
00:10:40,168 --> 00:10:41,501
My ex had an accident.

246
00:10:41,584 --> 00:10:44,668
Just letting you know
you're my emergency contact.

247
00:10:44,751 --> 00:10:46,209
Hurry, or you're not gonna make it.

248
00:10:46,293 --> 00:10:47,376
-[static]
-…hospital--

249
00:10:47,459 --> 00:10:48,293
…accident--

250
00:10:48,793 --> 00:10:49,626
…emergency--

251
00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:50,959
Hurry--

252
00:10:51,043 --> 00:10:52,126
…not gonna make it.

253
00:10:53,084 --> 00:10:54,584
Ah! Bright light!

254
00:10:54,668 --> 00:10:56,084
Stay away from the light!

255
00:10:57,543 --> 00:11:00,834
Shit. I meant to unplug my vibrator
to charge this thing.

256
00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:04,584
Aunt Diane's at the hospital.
There's been some accident!

257
00:11:04,668 --> 00:11:06,293
-What?
-Oh dear!

258
00:11:06,376 --> 00:11:09,959
If she dies and ruins Christmas,
I will kill her.

259
00:11:10,043 --> 00:11:11,876
-Where is she?
-She didn't say.

260
00:11:11,959 --> 00:11:13,876
I'll call Mikey
and see if he's heard from her.

261
00:11:13,959 --> 00:11:17,126
If she really is sick,
she should go to a church.

262
00:11:19,584 --> 00:11:20,876
[inhales, exhales]

263
00:11:23,293 --> 00:11:26,251
Diane Dunbrowski, you can't be here.

264
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:27,418
It's not safe.

265
00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:28,418
Why?

266
00:11:28,501 --> 00:11:32,876
Doc said if I pop a boner, I might die!

267
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:33,834
[laughs]

268
00:11:33,918 --> 00:11:37,543
Okay, Sean, I'm not here for that.
What the hell happened to you?

269
00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:41,793
I was tryin' to give the finger
to an electric car, and my bike slid out.

270
00:11:41,876 --> 00:11:45,126
Got myself a bad case
of the Mannheim Steamroller.

271
00:11:45,209 --> 00:11:48,584
This is worse than when that tiger
got a hold of ya at Joe Exotic's.

272
00:11:48,668 --> 00:11:51,751
I miss him. I miss all the big cat folks.

273
00:11:52,251 --> 00:11:53,668
I miss you, Diane.

274
00:11:53,751 --> 00:11:54,668
[sighs]

275
00:11:54,751 --> 00:11:57,793
Do me a favor.
I need another pillow under my leg.

276
00:11:57,876 --> 00:11:59,751
Isn't there a nurse to do that?

277
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:03,001
Yeah, they don't like me.
I got a little handsy on the way in.

278
00:12:03,834 --> 00:12:04,959
Which leg?

279
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:06,209
My third leg,

280
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:09,334
which is still workin',
by the way. [chuckles]

281
00:12:09,418 --> 00:12:12,501
Any Hootie & the Blowfish,
I should hit the road.

282
00:12:12,584 --> 00:12:15,084
-Where do you have to go?
-I got a ton of stuff.

283
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,709
Family, work party--

284
00:12:16,793 --> 00:12:20,168
You've never been able to lie to me,
Diane Dunbrowski.

285
00:12:20,251 --> 00:12:24,084
Except the time you said nothin' happened
on the Cheap Trick tour bus.

286
00:12:24,168 --> 00:12:25,959
I know what you did on there.

287
00:12:26,043 --> 00:12:28,834
All right, I'll stay for a bit,
but that's it.

288
00:12:28,918 --> 00:12:30,918
Yeah, park that juicy dumper.

289
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,084
Enough.

290
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,376
You should get out of that leather jacket.

291
00:12:34,459 --> 00:12:36,501
Can't. Melted into me.

292
00:12:37,126 --> 00:12:39,834
We don't even know
which hospital Diane is at.

293
00:12:39,918 --> 00:12:42,084
Are we supposed to just check all of them?

294
00:12:42,168 --> 00:12:43,834
Guys, I'm on the phone!

295
00:12:44,543 --> 00:12:47,126
Okay, I'll call Borough
and see if she made it to her work party.

296
00:12:47,209 --> 00:12:50,793
And if you find her, Daniel,
do you have my number?

297
00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:53,293
Yeah, I called you.

298
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:57,626
Heidi, I gotta go. It's an emergency.

299
00:12:57,709 --> 00:13:00,626
But they're about to do "Jingle Birds."
It's their big number.

300
00:13:00,709 --> 00:13:02,418
Uh, didn't they just do that?

301
00:13:02,501 --> 00:13:04,626
That was "Jingle Bird Rock."

302
00:13:04,709 --> 00:13:06,334
Are you even watching?

303
00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:08,209
Sorry, but Diane's in trouble.

304
00:13:08,293 --> 00:13:11,793
I can't believe you're gonna ditch me
for your ex right now.

305
00:13:11,876 --> 00:13:14,209
What do you want me to do?
It's my kid's ma!

306
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:18,126
I'll stay with you, Heidi.
Go find your mom, Mikey.

307
00:13:18,209 --> 00:13:22,459
Every time I think I can't love you more,
I love you more than more.

308
00:13:23,626 --> 00:13:24,834
[grunts]

309
00:13:26,376 --> 00:13:28,459
[Mikey] Who throws out waffle fries?

310
00:13:28,543 --> 00:13:30,751
[beeping]

311
00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:34,334
Do you remember that time
we were on the show Cheaters?

312
00:13:34,418 --> 00:13:36,418
Yeah, I stabbed you.

313
00:13:36,501 --> 00:13:39,209
What? Hey, only 'cause
I stabbed you first.

314
00:13:39,293 --> 00:13:42,376
And then you ended up
bangin' that host. What was his name?

315
00:13:42,459 --> 00:13:44,043
-Joey Greco.
-Joey Greco, yeah.

316
00:13:44,126 --> 00:13:46,418
And I'm pretty sure you were there too.

317
00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:49,543
[laughs] I was!
Well, someone had to hold the camera.

318
00:13:49,626 --> 00:13:51,001
-[Diane] Aw!
-[laughs]

319
00:13:51,084 --> 00:13:54,126
Oh, we had some magic, didn't we?

320
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,001
Don't get started, Sean.

321
00:13:57,084 --> 00:13:59,043
I came here tonight for two reasons.

322
00:13:59,126 --> 00:14:00,459
One, to tell you off,

323
00:14:00,543 --> 00:14:02,709
and two, I had nothing better to do.

324
00:14:02,793 --> 00:14:08,668
How does a 100% certified Black Angus
piece of prime meat like you

325
00:14:08,751 --> 00:14:10,418
have nothin' to do tonight?

326
00:14:11,001 --> 00:14:13,834
I guess no one wanted
to hang out with this old gal.

327
00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:16,751
Well, this old guy is glad to see ya.

328
00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:20,668
In fact, I think you could say
this is the best Christmas Eve

329
00:14:20,751 --> 00:14:23,043
I've had in a long time.

330
00:14:25,751 --> 00:14:27,501
[man] Okay, Bushwick branch,

331
00:14:27,584 --> 00:14:29,751
what are you grateful for
this time of year?

332
00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:31,876
I know a lot of people have said this,

333
00:14:31,959 --> 00:14:34,834
but I'm also grateful
for the hair salon industry.

334
00:14:34,918 --> 00:14:37,459
Ooh, it is Pander Express up in here.

335
00:14:38,626 --> 00:14:41,668
Ooh, this is some softness realness.

336
00:14:41,751 --> 00:14:42,918
[phone buzzes]

337
00:14:43,001 --> 00:14:45,126
I just got a text from Diane's nephew.

338
00:14:45,209 --> 00:14:46,501
Diane's been in an accident,

339
00:14:46,584 --> 00:14:49,293
but they don't know
what hospital they took her to.

340
00:14:49,376 --> 00:14:50,793
I'll go get my coats!

341
00:14:50,876 --> 00:14:52,501
Okay, okay, okay, let's go!

342
00:14:52,584 --> 00:14:54,501
Gideon, come on! We gotta go find her!

343
00:14:54,584 --> 00:14:57,293
I can't leave. Corporate is watching.

344
00:14:57,376 --> 00:14:59,793
Don't do that.
Don't be trifling. Diane needs us.

345
00:14:59,876 --> 00:15:01,209
Damn it.

346
00:15:01,293 --> 00:15:04,543
That woman ruins shit
even when her ass ain't here.

347
00:15:04,626 --> 00:15:07,376
Ugh! All right, ladies, follow my lead.

348
00:15:07,459 --> 00:15:09,376
[dramatic music]

349
00:15:11,001 --> 00:15:12,668
Daniel, you were actually born here.

350
00:15:12,751 --> 00:15:14,668
It was the first time
I'd ever been in a hospital.

351
00:15:14,751 --> 00:15:16,001
It was the best day of my life.

352
00:15:16,084 --> 00:15:17,043
Focus, Mom!

353
00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:19,209
Right. Mark, you stay right here.

354
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:20,418
Copy that.

355
00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:21,501
[other car honks]

356
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:23,543
Sorry. Sorry, moving. I'm moving.

357
00:15:26,251 --> 00:15:30,043
…and then you walked outta that tent
buck naked, and you said,

358
00:15:30,126 --> 00:15:32,751
[both] "All you bikers look the same!"

359
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:33,751
[both laughing]

360
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:34,959
You remember.

361
00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:38,584
Oh, Diane, it's a shame
we couldn't make it work.

362
00:15:38,668 --> 00:15:40,834
[coughs] We were always
goin' full throttle.

363
00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:45,209
Yeah, but in opposite directions,
like yin and yang.

364
00:15:45,293 --> 00:15:48,501
Correction, you were the yang
to my wang. [chuckles]

365
00:15:48,584 --> 00:15:50,959
I gotta say,
when I hopped on my bike tonight

366
00:15:51,043 --> 00:15:53,418
to go protest that multi-faith manger,

367
00:15:53,501 --> 00:15:55,876
I didn't know I'd end up
going down memory lane.

368
00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:59,251
And I didn't think
I'd be sober this late on Christmas Eve.

369
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,084
[gasps] That reminds me.

370
00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:03,084
Oh no, you didn't.

371
00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:05,293
[laughs] Pour some in my feedin' tube.

372
00:16:05,376 --> 00:16:08,001
Okay. But then I am outta here.

373
00:16:08,084 --> 00:16:09,293
Oh yeah. Yeah.

374
00:16:10,168 --> 00:16:11,001
Oh y--

375
00:16:11,084 --> 00:16:13,168
[groaning happily] Yummy.

376
00:16:13,251 --> 00:16:15,251
Oh, you're still a Jack Daniel's girl.

377
00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:16,668
You know it.

378
00:16:16,751 --> 00:16:19,459
Ah! That's still piping hot!

379
00:16:21,251 --> 00:16:22,793
Is there a Diane Dunbrowski here?

380
00:16:22,876 --> 00:16:26,584
Stick-straight red hair,
aggressively pear-shaped, always smoking.

381
00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:29,376
You just described
half the people who come in here.

382
00:16:29,876 --> 00:16:32,251
Sorry, there's no patient by that name.

383
00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:33,168
[Daniel groans]

384
00:16:34,168 --> 00:16:35,334
Mmm, still good.

385
00:16:35,418 --> 00:16:37,668
Come on, Mikey. Step on it.

386
00:16:38,834 --> 00:16:41,084
-[siren wailing]
-Shit! Not now.

387
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,251
Ah, no. Oh no.

388
00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:46,584
[Mikey] No. Oh no, Dad. What do I do?

389
00:16:46,668 --> 00:16:49,084
Just sit there, all right?
Let me do the talkin'.

390
00:16:49,168 --> 00:16:51,959
-Goin' pretty fast back there.
-Thanks for the warning, young gun.

391
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:54,168
I get it. We'll keep it under a hundred.

392
00:16:54,251 --> 00:16:55,668
I'm on the job too.

393
00:16:55,751 --> 00:16:59,084
TSA? That's cute.
They give you little badges to play with?

394
00:16:59,168 --> 00:17:01,626
[sniffs] This car smells
like a distillery.

395
00:17:01,709 --> 00:17:03,376
Oh, that's just my mom's lotion.

396
00:17:03,459 --> 00:17:04,334
That's a new one.

397
00:17:04,418 --> 00:17:06,668
Okay, you're gonna walk
a straight line for me.

398
00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:08,751
[Kurt] He can't walk a straight line.

399
00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:11,043
The kid was born
without fluid in his ears.

400
00:17:11,126 --> 00:17:14,751
Oh no, Dad. I'm zig-zaggin' again.

401
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,084
[Mikey groaning]

402
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:17,459
[Kurt] Goddamn it!

403
00:17:17,543 --> 00:17:20,751
When was the last time
we spent Christmas Eve together?

404
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:21,918
Oh, I don't know.

405
00:17:22,001 --> 00:17:25,001
When you got on your motorcycle
and left forever?

406
00:17:25,084 --> 00:17:27,709
Yeah, I mighta been
a piece of shit for doing that.

407
00:17:27,793 --> 00:17:28,834
I'll call my bad.

408
00:17:28,918 --> 00:17:30,293
Don't beat yourself up.

409
00:17:30,376 --> 00:17:31,793
You look terrible already.

410
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,209
-Ha!
-[door opens]

411
00:17:33,293 --> 00:17:35,334
We have to prep you for surgery.

412
00:17:35,418 --> 00:17:37,876
Well, I should get outta your way.

413
00:17:37,959 --> 00:17:39,709
Visit me tomorrow, Diane?

414
00:17:39,793 --> 00:17:41,418
Oh, he won't be here tomorrow.

415
00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:43,793
Nobody signed outpatient care for him,

416
00:17:43,876 --> 00:17:47,334
so he's gonna be admitted
to a county disability ward post-op.

417
00:17:47,418 --> 00:17:50,168
[sighs] Hell of a way
to spend Christmas, huh?

418
00:17:51,043 --> 00:17:52,418
[groans]

419
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:55,543
Fine. Gimme those forms.
I'll take care of him.

420
00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:58,793
Are you for real? Oh girl!

421
00:17:58,876 --> 00:18:02,418
If I'm gonna be alone, I might as well
be alone with someone who needs me.

422
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:04,501
Merry Christmas, Sean Vincent.

423
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,626
You're damn right it's Merry Christmas!

424
00:18:06,709 --> 00:18:10,001
We're takin' it back
from the lamestream media libtards!

425
00:18:10,084 --> 00:18:11,876
-[whoops]
-All right, settle down.

426
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:17,501
Ugh. You're telling me
these people would know where Diane is?

427
00:18:17,584 --> 00:18:18,876
[sniffs] She's been here.

428
00:18:19,459 --> 00:18:21,001
Hey, girl. Um, have you seen Diana?

429
00:18:21,084 --> 00:18:22,584
Yeah, she took off.

430
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,251
She said somethin' about
her favorite pierogi place.

431
00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:27,793
I know it.
It's called Pierogi, Pierogi, Pierogi.

432
00:18:27,876 --> 00:18:29,334
Is tourist trap.

433
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:31,709
That's near West Side Hospital.

434
00:18:31,793 --> 00:18:32,668
Let's go!

435
00:18:33,543 --> 00:18:35,209
Gideon, come on!

436
00:18:35,293 --> 00:18:38,626
My shoes are stuck
to this nasty-ass floor.

437
00:18:39,126 --> 00:18:41,584
God, I have so many regrets.

438
00:18:41,668 --> 00:18:45,209
I never got to try that burger
where the buns are doughnuts.

439
00:18:45,293 --> 00:18:48,251
Never got to see
my Russian bot farm in person.

440
00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:51,668
But most of all, I regret
not making it work with you, Di.

441
00:18:51,751 --> 00:18:53,209
Don't talk like that, Sean.

442
00:18:53,293 --> 00:18:54,584
Listen to me.

443
00:18:54,668 --> 00:18:58,043
If I go, I need you to do
a couple things for me.

444
00:18:58,126 --> 00:19:02,418
You gotta take this thumb drive
and leak these celebrity nudes.

445
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:06,293
Also, take care of my dog.
He's got a big fight this week.

446
00:19:06,376 --> 00:19:07,209
Oh, uh--

447
00:19:07,293 --> 00:19:10,126
Also, in my hutch, there's some--

448
00:19:10,209 --> 00:19:11,376
How should I say this?

449
00:19:11,459 --> 00:19:13,793
Uh, World War II memorabilia.

450
00:19:13,876 --> 00:19:17,626
I need you to go sell it for me
at the gun show in Indiana next week.

451
00:19:17,709 --> 00:19:19,584
I don't think I'm comfortable--

452
00:19:19,668 --> 00:19:22,584
[exaggerated coughing, groaning]

453
00:19:23,418 --> 00:19:26,959
They say the last thing to die
is a man's penis.

454
00:19:27,043 --> 00:19:30,251
All right, I gotta get a pop or somethin'.

455
00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:31,876
Here. It's on me.

456
00:19:31,959 --> 00:19:34,584
Ah, why are these so wet?

457
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:40,918
Just mail me the ticket!
My wife's in trouble!

458
00:19:41,001 --> 00:19:43,084
Dad, you just called Mom your wife.

459
00:19:43,168 --> 00:19:46,959
She's legally still my wife,
and it's important we're there for her.

460
00:19:47,043 --> 00:19:49,209
You're not goin' anywhere
until I write this ticket.

461
00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:50,293
Goddamn it!

462
00:19:50,376 --> 00:19:52,543
Dad, I got this.

463
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,876
Officer, this is my mother.

464
00:19:54,959 --> 00:19:57,001
She's a great woman, and she's in troub--

465
00:19:57,084 --> 00:20:00,084
Wait a minute.
Your mom is Diane Dunbrowski?

466
00:20:00,168 --> 00:20:01,709
She was my first arrest.

467
00:20:01,793 --> 00:20:05,251
Oh, I was so nervous,
but she walked me through the whole thing.

468
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:08,209
Look, if Diane's in trouble,
you better go help her.

469
00:20:08,293 --> 00:20:10,501
-Just be safe.
-Thank you so much.

470
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:13,209
And consider this ticket… mailed.

471
00:20:13,793 --> 00:20:16,043
-Goddamn it!
-Aw, yeah!

472
00:20:17,626 --> 00:20:18,626
What the heck?

473
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:21,834
This was full when I started my shift.

474
00:20:21,918 --> 00:20:24,668
Who would steal
a bunch of cash for sick kids?

475
00:20:24,751 --> 00:20:25,751
[grunts angrily]

476
00:20:27,168 --> 00:20:29,543
You know, you are a piece of shit!

477
00:20:29,626 --> 00:20:32,043
Speakin' of which,
my bed pan's full again.

478
00:20:32,126 --> 00:20:34,168
A little help, please and stank you.

479
00:20:34,251 --> 00:20:36,418
Stealing from sick children!

480
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:37,584
Oh, come on.

481
00:20:37,668 --> 00:20:40,793
That money goes right into the pockets
of those lazy nurses.

482
00:20:40,876 --> 00:20:43,251
I can't believe
I actually felt bad for you.

483
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:46,584
Irregardless, sweetie,
everyone bailed on you.

484
00:20:46,668 --> 00:20:49,793
So where you gonna run off to?
I'm the only game in town.

485
00:20:49,876 --> 00:20:52,626
You know, I would rather be
sad and alone on Christmas

486
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:55,376
than stuck with someone
who only cares about himself.

487
00:20:55,459 --> 00:20:57,334
Goodbye, Sean Vincent.

488
00:20:57,418 --> 00:20:58,834
Diane, wait.

489
00:20:58,918 --> 00:21:00,834
I cheated on you on our wedding night!

490
00:21:00,918 --> 00:21:03,376
I cheated on you at our rehearsal dinner!

491
00:21:04,918 --> 00:21:06,001
Here you go, sweetie.

492
00:21:06,084 --> 00:21:08,334
And can I get those forms back?

493
00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:13,418
He's the county's problem now.

494
00:21:14,418 --> 00:21:16,126
-[chatter]
-[Daniel] There you are!

495
00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:18,418
-Diane.
-Ma, I almost walked a straight line!

496
00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:20,918
What the hell are you guys doin' here?

497
00:21:21,001 --> 00:21:22,418
We were worried about you.

498
00:21:22,501 --> 00:21:25,043
All I could hear
was "emergency" and "hospital."

499
00:21:25,126 --> 00:21:26,751
You all left what you were doing

500
00:21:26,834 --> 00:21:29,376
because you guys think
I'm the best and greatest?

501
00:21:29,459 --> 00:21:30,293
Yeah!

502
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:33,209
-Nah, I wouldn't put it like that.
-You owe me new shoes.

503
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,043
What happened to you anyway?

504
00:21:36,043 --> 00:21:37,001
Doesn't matter.

505
00:21:37,084 --> 00:21:39,376
What matters is that we're all together.

506
00:21:39,459 --> 00:21:42,876
Hey, while we're here,
we should have a hospital party!

507
00:21:42,959 --> 00:21:44,876
Ma'am, you can't have a party here.

508
00:21:44,959 --> 00:21:47,251
But you guys got the best drugs.

509
00:21:47,334 --> 00:21:49,668
Ah, that's okay. We can take 'em to go.

510
00:21:49,751 --> 00:21:52,543
-Party at my place!
-[overlapping cheering, chatter]

511
00:21:52,626 --> 00:21:55,668
-[Daniel] Let's do it!
-Ah, crap. Let me go grab my purse.

512
00:21:57,584 --> 00:21:59,501
Suck it, hospital! [Sean whoops]

513
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:02,001
-Hmm. That son of a bitch.
-[motorcycle revving]

514
00:22:02,501 --> 00:22:05,584
My purse. That son of a bitch!

515
00:22:05,668 --> 00:22:06,959
He won't get far.

516
00:22:07,043 --> 00:22:09,459
He has no shoes… or liver.

517
00:22:10,709 --> 00:22:12,459
Thanks for lookin' for me, Gid.

518
00:22:12,543 --> 00:22:14,793
Are you in trouble
for ditchin' the Borough party?

519
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:17,168
No, I took care of that.

520
00:22:17,251 --> 00:22:19,251
[toy train's horn blowing]

521
00:22:25,793 --> 00:22:27,501
[laughing]

522
00:22:27,584 --> 00:22:30,251
Better watch out. I'm rubbin' off on ya.

523
00:22:30,334 --> 00:22:33,418
[sniffs] Speaking of which,
do I smell my lotion?

524
00:22:33,501 --> 00:22:35,043
It's actually pretty good.

525
00:22:35,126 --> 00:22:37,334
We should talk about
sellin' it at the salon.

526
00:22:37,418 --> 00:22:38,584
Is this a Christmas prank?

527
00:22:38,668 --> 00:22:41,334
No, it is not. That's not even a thing.

528
00:22:41,418 --> 00:22:43,251
Ugh. I just threw up.

529
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:46,168
I don't know what's going on.
That's the third time this week.

530
00:22:46,251 --> 00:22:48,001
Well, maybe you're pregnant.

531
00:22:48,084 --> 00:22:49,001
[Mark chuckles]

532
00:22:50,126 --> 00:22:52,793
Hey, thanks for lookin' out for me today.

533
00:22:52,876 --> 00:22:55,376
Sorry if I was a screwup in our marriage.

534
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:57,084
Both of 'em.

535
00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:59,876
No, I don't think that.
I think you're great.

536
00:22:59,959 --> 00:23:01,668
I mean, it's fine.

537
00:23:01,751 --> 00:23:03,459
Mistletoe, Kurt.

538
00:23:03,543 --> 00:23:05,668
-I gotta…
-Yeah, go on.

539
00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:06,918
Don't get bird flu.

540
00:23:08,001 --> 00:23:09,793
Everyone, family picture.

541
00:23:09,876 --> 00:23:12,126
Oh, great. Everyone, get by the tree.

542
00:23:12,209 --> 00:23:14,959
But be careful. I'm returning it tomorrow.

543
00:23:15,043 --> 00:23:18,418
Say, "Happy frickin' holidays!"

544
00:23:18,501 --> 00:23:22,251
-[all] Happy frickin' holidays!
-[phone makes shutter sound]

545
00:23:23,834 --> 00:23:25,126
[dogs barking Christmas song]

546
00:23:25,209 --> 00:23:27,959
[Diane] You know,
I knew the dogs that made this record.

547
00:23:28,043 --> 00:23:29,126
[Daniel] You did?

548
00:23:29,209 --> 00:23:31,584
[Diane laughs] Christmas prank!

549
00:23:31,668 --> 00:23:33,668
[festive holiday music playing]