1
00:00:06,584 --> 00:00:07,751
[neon buzzing]

2
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:18,751
Ah, shit! I'm late for work!

3
00:00:18,834 --> 00:00:21,626
Damn it, Diane! You're already at work.

4
00:00:21,709 --> 00:00:23,251
Ah, hell yeah.

5
00:00:23,334 --> 00:00:24,501
I'm tryin' this new thing

6
00:00:24,584 --> 00:00:26,668
where instead of goin' home
when I get hammered,

7
00:00:26,751 --> 00:00:28,584
I sleep at work so I'm not late.

8
00:00:28,668 --> 00:00:31,084
It's called being responsible, Tina.

9
00:00:31,168 --> 00:00:32,001
[gags]

10
00:00:32,876 --> 00:00:34,001
False alarm.

11
00:00:34,084 --> 00:00:36,751
Anyhoo, what are you doing here so early?

12
00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:38,376
I'm doin' prep for InstaGlam.

13
00:00:38,459 --> 00:00:41,418
I do hair and makeup for events
as my side hustle.

14
00:00:41,501 --> 00:00:42,334
Side hustle?

15
00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,959
Why would you wanna
work more than you have to?

16
00:00:45,043 --> 00:00:48,334
My motto's always been
"work soft, play hard."

17
00:00:48,418 --> 00:00:51,126
You do know people my age
have multiple jobs, right?

18
00:00:51,209 --> 00:00:55,001
Anyway, tomorrow night, I'm doin'
the Beefy Awards at the Field Museum.

19
00:00:55,084 --> 00:00:58,084
Aw, hell yeah! The Beefys!

20
00:00:58,168 --> 00:01:01,001
The Beefys are
the biggest event of the year!

21
00:01:01,084 --> 00:01:04,168
New York has the Met Gala,
L.A. has the Oscars,

22
00:01:04,251 --> 00:01:06,418
and Chicago has the Beefys.

23
00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:10,126
It's an award show that celebrates
and honors Windy City excellence.

24
00:01:10,209 --> 00:01:12,543
Yeah, I know. I just told you about it.

25
00:01:12,626 --> 00:01:15,376
Tina, you gotta take me! I'll do anything!

26
00:01:15,459 --> 00:01:18,126
Nope. They're only payin'
for one makeup artist.

27
00:01:18,209 --> 00:01:20,001
Then we'll Trojan horse it.

28
00:01:20,084 --> 00:01:23,709
That's when you throw condoms at security
and then run by them on all fours.

29
00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:26,918
Diane, no. My hands are tied.

30
00:01:27,001 --> 00:01:29,376
Can you at least FaceCall me
when you're there?

31
00:01:29,459 --> 00:01:30,751
No, I'll be working.

32
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:32,834
Ah, maybe next year.

33
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:36,251
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go clean my PTA.

34
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:38,376
Oh no. What's your PTA?

35
00:01:38,459 --> 00:01:39,876
Pits, tits, and ass.

36
00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:42,418
It's called hygiene, Tina. Hmm.

37
00:01:43,418 --> 00:01:45,459
This woman is a miracle.

38
00:01:45,543 --> 00:01:47,543
[opening theme music playing]

39
00:01:55,418 --> 00:01:57,376
It's all about the gel.

40
00:01:57,459 --> 00:01:59,543
And I know. I'm on my feet all day.

41
00:01:59,626 --> 00:02:01,459
-Mikey and Daniel!
-Ma!

42
00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:03,334
The cousins are hangin' out!

43
00:02:03,418 --> 00:02:06,793
Mikey and I were just
talking about shoe insoles.

44
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,626
Ah, inserts.

45
00:02:08,709 --> 00:02:10,334
I'm gonna go make my lunch.

46
00:02:11,293 --> 00:02:14,626
What are you doin'
on the North Side, baby boy?

47
00:02:14,709 --> 00:02:16,293
Ma, can you sit?

48
00:02:16,376 --> 00:02:18,876
I have somethin'
very important to ask you.

49
00:02:18,959 --> 00:02:21,501
Yes, the Camaro is yours when I pass.

50
00:02:21,584 --> 00:02:24,626
No, Ma, I met someone, and I'm in love.

51
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:28,459
Oh, Mikey, is this another Ukrainian girl
from a chat room?

52
00:02:28,543 --> 00:02:31,084
Did ya already send her iTunes gift cards?

53
00:02:31,168 --> 00:02:34,918
No, Ma. Me and @hothumanwoman420 broke up.

54
00:02:35,001 --> 00:02:37,043
This new girl's name is Gabriella.

55
00:02:37,126 --> 00:02:41,001
She works at the Go-Go White Sox Grill
in the Terminal One food court.

56
00:02:41,084 --> 00:02:43,751
Mikey, she's gorgeous!

57
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:47,043
Wait, they're doin' a 4.99
hot dog lunch special over there?

58
00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:47,959
Yeah, Ma.

59
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:51,209
And she gives me extra hot peppers
without me even askin'.

60
00:02:51,293 --> 00:02:53,543
Okay, this babe's a keeper.

61
00:02:53,626 --> 00:02:54,543
I know, Ma.

62
00:02:54,626 --> 00:02:57,959
And tomorrow night, I'm cookin'
the traditional Mexican dish, mole,

63
00:02:58,043 --> 00:02:59,293
for her and her folks.

64
00:02:59,376 --> 00:03:01,084
I think it's pronounced mo-lay.

65
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,209
You know what? Never mind.

66
00:03:05,293 --> 00:03:06,459
I gotta get to work.

67
00:03:07,959 --> 00:03:09,793
I'm tryin' to impress her parents.

68
00:03:09,876 --> 00:03:11,751
Her mom's a real tough cookie.

69
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,043
It would mean a lot to me
if you were there.

70
00:03:14,126 --> 00:03:16,126
I wouldn't miss it for the world.

71
00:03:16,209 --> 00:03:19,126
And if there's anything you need,
you let me know.

72
00:03:19,209 --> 00:03:20,043
Thanks, Ma.

73
00:03:20,126 --> 00:03:22,668
Actually, can I borrow some pots and pans,

74
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:25,168
and some plates and silverware?

75
00:03:25,251 --> 00:03:27,168
Oh, and do you have light bulbs?

76
00:03:27,668 --> 00:03:28,876
[tranquil music playing]

77
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:33,084
I have a kale grail for… Zale?

78
00:03:33,168 --> 00:03:36,251
-I'm Zale.
-Oh, hey, wait. I'm Zale too.

79
00:03:36,334 --> 00:03:38,834
Was it a male Zale or a female Zale?

80
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,418
Daniel, hmm, gender is a construct,

81
00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:44,418
and you are legally not allowed
to ask that question.

82
00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:47,334
[whispers] It was the guy.

83
00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:50,959
Hi, honey!

84
00:03:51,043 --> 00:03:53,001
-Mom.
-Someone looks professional.

85
00:03:53,084 --> 00:03:56,168
But stand up straight.
You have your father's soft back.

86
00:03:56,251 --> 00:03:57,793
You have to do your stretches.

87
00:03:57,876 --> 00:04:00,168
Did you guys come here
just to tell me that?

88
00:04:00,251 --> 00:04:03,501
No, we brought you your tux
for the Beefy Awards tomorrow night.

89
00:04:03,584 --> 00:04:06,459
Ugh, Mom, it's just gonna be
a bunch of judgy snobs

90
00:04:06,543 --> 00:04:09,334
asking me what I'm doing
with my life. No, thanks.

91
00:04:09,418 --> 00:04:10,709
Well, those judgy snobs

92
00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:13,293
have placed my accounting firm
in charge of the results.

93
00:04:13,376 --> 00:04:14,834
And we're very proud.

94
00:04:14,918 --> 00:04:16,918
Why don't you just take Aunt Diane?

95
00:04:17,001 --> 00:04:19,918
-Yeah, she'd be fun.
-Are you two insane?

96
00:04:20,001 --> 00:04:22,918
The photographer from
Northshore magazine is going to be there,

97
00:04:23,001 --> 00:04:28,001
and I don't need another family photo
featuring her bare nipples.

98
00:04:28,084 --> 00:04:31,084
It is a big night for our family,
and you're going.

99
00:04:31,168 --> 00:04:33,584
Fine. But I'm not wearing a cummerbund.

100
00:04:34,834 --> 00:04:36,501
What in the world is beet powder?

101
00:04:36,584 --> 00:04:38,834
Oh, boy! [grunts]

102
00:04:40,001 --> 00:04:40,834
[sneezes]

103
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:43,793
I guess we should beet it?

104
00:04:45,126 --> 00:04:47,126
[Bonnie inhales, sighs wearily]

105
00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:52,751
I gotta tell ya, Joe,
the pony looks great.

106
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,834
Thanks. Yeah, it took me
three years to grow it out,

107
00:04:55,918 --> 00:04:58,876
but my ex-wife's always loved
long hair on guys.

108
00:04:58,959 --> 00:05:00,834
Tonight's the night I win her back.

109
00:05:01,584 --> 00:05:03,959
Hey, Diane, I know this is last minute,

110
00:05:04,043 --> 00:05:07,001
but I just got off the phone
with the Beefys people,

111
00:05:07,084 --> 00:05:09,043
and I need another set of hands tonight.

112
00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:12,376
-You still want in?
-Son of a bitch! I can't!

113
00:05:12,459 --> 00:05:14,918
Now I got a goddamn thing
at Mikey's house.

114
00:05:15,001 --> 00:05:18,376
Oh well, that's too bad.
They just changed the closing number.

115
00:05:18,459 --> 00:05:20,793
So now, a bunch of old Chicago Bears

116
00:05:20,876 --> 00:05:23,084
are gonna do some song and dance
they used to do.

117
00:05:23,168 --> 00:05:27,959
Wait a second. Are you sayin'
the 1985 Chicago Bears

118
00:05:28,043 --> 00:05:31,334
are performing the Shuffle
at the Beefy Awards?

119
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,001
Tina, I'm in!

120
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,709
Did you just cut off my pony?

121
00:05:36,918 --> 00:05:37,959
I did.

122
00:05:38,043 --> 00:05:40,793
I'll give ya an extra punch
on your loyalty card.

123
00:05:43,293 --> 00:05:44,584
Don't worry, kiddo.

124
00:05:44,668 --> 00:05:47,126
You're gonna have
a frickin' blast tonight.

125
00:05:47,209 --> 00:05:50,043
The Bears are doin' the Shuffle
one last time.

126
00:05:50,126 --> 00:05:52,251
This is like if the Beatles reunited

127
00:05:52,334 --> 00:05:55,376
and then won the frickin' Super Bowl!

128
00:05:57,001 --> 00:05:59,584
-[angelic choir singing]
-Michael Jordan cologne.

129
00:05:59,668 --> 00:06:02,834
Only for the special-est of occasions.

130
00:06:03,418 --> 00:06:04,709
[coughing]

131
00:06:04,793 --> 00:06:07,334
Uh, but what about Mikey's dinner?

132
00:06:07,418 --> 00:06:08,834
I'm not gonna miss it.

133
00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,918
It's called party-hopping.

134
00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:12,168
Here's how it'll go.

135
00:06:12,251 --> 00:06:14,668
First, we arrive at the Beefys,
right on time,

136
00:06:14,751 --> 00:06:16,793
and immediately hit the carpet.

137
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:21,126
The big three snap some pics:
Tribune, Sun-Times, Polish Daily News.

138
00:06:21,209 --> 00:06:23,501
I have a little champagne,
a little lobster,

139
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,251
do a little hobnobbin',
a little knob slobbin',

140
00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:27,876
a little more lobster.

141
00:06:27,959 --> 00:06:30,918
We take our seats, and boom, show starts.

142
00:06:31,001 --> 00:06:32,418
Award, award, award.

143
00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:35,293
And next thing you know,
it's Shuffle time!

144
00:06:35,793 --> 00:06:39,084
Then, it's out the door
and over to Mikey's to meet his new gal.

145
00:06:39,168 --> 00:06:41,709
See, Daniel?
I got the whole night planned out.

146
00:06:41,793 --> 00:06:44,209
-We're already 20 minutes late.
-Ah, shit.

147
00:06:44,293 --> 00:06:46,001
Why'd you let me go on like that?

148
00:06:46,084 --> 00:06:48,084
[jaunty fanfare playing]

149
00:06:52,668 --> 00:06:57,084
This is the most beautiful sight
these eyes have ever seen.

150
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,501
The carpet's yellow
because we all hate ketchup.

151
00:07:00,584 --> 00:07:03,584
[reporter 1] WGN weatherman, Tom Skilling,
who are you eating?

152
00:07:03,668 --> 00:07:04,918
Portillo's!

153
00:07:05,001 --> 00:07:08,501
-[reporter 2] Scottie, who are you eating?
-Al's Beef, double-dipped.

154
00:07:08,584 --> 00:07:09,543
[sniffs]

155
00:07:09,626 --> 00:07:10,918
Is MJ here?

156
00:07:12,584 --> 00:07:15,293
[Tina] Diane. Dia-- Diane!

157
00:07:15,376 --> 00:07:17,584
One at a time, boys!

158
00:07:17,668 --> 00:07:21,751
Diane, I didn't hire you
to pretend to be a celebrity.

159
00:07:21,834 --> 00:07:23,668
I need you on rosacea duty.

160
00:07:23,751 --> 00:07:25,043
One sec, Teen.

161
00:07:25,126 --> 00:07:28,293
Just giving these animals
the red meat they're beggin' for.

162
00:07:28,376 --> 00:07:30,876
Ma'am, please. Steve Wilkos has arrived.

163
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:32,584
Move it along!

164
00:07:32,668 --> 00:07:34,501
[elegant jazz playing]

165
00:07:35,084 --> 00:07:38,584
Such an honor to be
in charge of the Golden Beef Case, Mark.

166
00:07:38,668 --> 00:07:41,293
The only one who knows the winner
of the Chicagoan of the Year

167
00:07:41,376 --> 00:07:43,459
is this little guy right here.

168
00:07:43,543 --> 00:07:45,418
I feel like I'm on Deal or No Deal.

169
00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:48,834
[Bonnie chuckling awkwardly]
Good one, Mark.

170
00:07:48,918 --> 00:07:51,334
What a strange and charming family.

171
00:07:51,418 --> 00:07:53,001
Oh, how lovely.

172
00:07:53,084 --> 00:07:55,043
Daniel, pull up your cummerbund.

173
00:07:56,001 --> 00:07:57,501
Has anyone seen the photographer?

174
00:07:57,584 --> 00:08:00,209
I wanna capture
this absolutely perfect moment.

175
00:08:00,293 --> 00:08:02,709
[Diane laughing]

176
00:08:02,793 --> 00:08:06,459
Hey, not so fast
with those mini egg rolls, butt cheeks.

177
00:08:06,543 --> 00:08:08,251
[intense music playing]

178
00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:09,501
Hey, Diane's here.

179
00:08:09,584 --> 00:08:11,043
Oh dear Lord.

180
00:08:11,126 --> 00:08:13,126
Bon! Would you look at us?

181
00:08:13,209 --> 00:08:16,751
Not bad for two trash bags
from the South Side, huh?

182
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:18,043
Diane!

183
00:08:18,126 --> 00:08:20,918
-[Diane yelping in pain]
-How are you here?

184
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,584
Tell me you didn't
Trojan horse your way inside.

185
00:08:23,668 --> 00:08:28,126
I'll have you know,
I'm here as an honored guest,

186
00:08:28,209 --> 00:08:29,501
thank you very much.

187
00:08:29,584 --> 00:08:31,501
Diane, where the hell have you been?

188
00:08:31,584 --> 00:08:34,543
Every guest has meat sweats.
They need powder!

189
00:08:34,626 --> 00:08:37,584
Okay, busted. I'm here to work.

190
00:08:37,668 --> 00:08:39,709
But that doesn't mean I can't have fun.

191
00:08:39,793 --> 00:08:41,043
Uh, yes, it does.

192
00:08:41,126 --> 00:08:42,793
If you'll excuse me,

193
00:08:42,876 --> 00:08:46,168
I'm needed backstage
with the rest of the A-listers.

194
00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:49,168
[woman] Hoy, vamos a preparar
la auténtica salsa de mole.

195
00:08:49,251 --> 00:08:52,084
I don't know what you're sayin'. Ugh.

196
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:55,334
I am starvin'. How long till we chow down?

197
00:08:55,418 --> 00:08:57,251
Wait, is that what you're wearin'?

198
00:08:58,043 --> 00:09:00,293
-What? These are my best jorts.
-Dad.

199
00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:01,959
Okay, okay.

200
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:04,543
I didn't realize we were at the Pump Room.

201
00:09:04,626 --> 00:09:06,543
So, uh, what are we servin'?

202
00:09:06,626 --> 00:09:08,293
This juicy little guy.

203
00:09:08,376 --> 00:09:09,543
We're eatin' mole!

204
00:09:09,626 --> 00:09:12,376
Mikey, ya can't
serve these people a rodent!

205
00:09:12,459 --> 00:09:14,126
-Dad, what are you doin'?
-[doorbell rings]

206
00:09:14,209 --> 00:09:17,084
Oh my God, they're here. I got no plan B!

207
00:09:17,168 --> 00:09:20,834
Don't worry, we'll make it nice, okay?
We'll order in Carson's Ribs.

208
00:09:22,584 --> 00:09:25,084
[in Spanish] Welcome your friends.

209
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:26,668
[in English] Aw, you practiced!

210
00:09:26,751 --> 00:09:28,209
[in Spanish] Not enough.

211
00:09:28,293 --> 00:09:29,959
Mom, please.

212
00:09:30,043 --> 00:09:31,709
[in English] Nice to see you again.

213
00:09:34,209 --> 00:09:36,209
Dad, this is Gabriella

214
00:09:36,293 --> 00:09:39,001
and her parents, Miguel and Rosalita.

215
00:09:39,084 --> 00:09:41,168
Kurt Kosinski, pleasure to meet ya.

216
00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:43,709
Miguel Gomez. This is my wife Rosalita.

217
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,459
[scoffs]

218
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:48,418
Sorry we're late.
We had trouble finding parking.

219
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:51,251
There's a Crown Victoria
taking up two spaces out front.

220
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:52,293
That's mine.

221
00:09:52,376 --> 00:09:55,043
Sorry about that.
I was in a rush. I had to work late.

222
00:09:55,709 --> 00:09:57,918
Gabriella tells us
you're an airport family.

223
00:09:58,001 --> 00:10:00,293
That's right, Midway International.

224
00:10:00,376 --> 00:10:01,668
I'm a TSA agent.

225
00:10:01,751 --> 00:10:02,751
So is Miguel.

226
00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:05,668
At O'Hare,
the busiest airport in the world.

227
00:10:05,751 --> 00:10:08,626
Uh… [in Spanish] Please enter me.

228
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,418
[in Spanish] Did he just ask us
to enter him?

229
00:10:15,626 --> 00:10:18,001
[Mikey] Where are you, Ma?
Everyone's here.

230
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,376
Shoot. It's okay. It's okay.

231
00:10:20,459 --> 00:10:22,626
I'm just gonna miss
the pre-dinner chitchat.

232
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,209
Kurt can handle that.

233
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:26,543
Forgot my phone.

234
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:28,834
Have to go back.

235
00:10:28,918 --> 00:10:31,001
-[wind rushing]
-[gasps]

236
00:10:31,084 --> 00:10:33,084
[triumphant music playing]

237
00:10:40,168 --> 00:10:42,376
Holy shit, they're here.

238
00:10:42,459 --> 00:10:46,168
-Ten-four. The Bears have arrived.
-Hey, headset, we gotta get this moving!

239
00:10:46,251 --> 00:10:48,626
We're trying,
but no one's taking their seats.

240
00:10:48,709 --> 00:10:50,043
Fine, I'm on it.

241
00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:51,793
Sweetie, you're good to go.

242
00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:59,209
Mark, Mark, there's Northshore magazine.
This is our chance to get the photo!

243
00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:02,084
Oh, leave the Beef Case.

244
00:11:02,168 --> 00:11:06,834
I didn't starve myself for a week
to be overshadowed by a tacky eyesore.

245
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:08,668
Daniel, hold this.

246
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:09,918
[Diane] I'll finish that.

247
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:12,501
Take your seat, please.
The show's about to start.

248
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:15,293
Anyone not seated
won't get a seat! Come on!

249
00:11:15,376 --> 00:11:16,751
Some of us have other commitments!

250
00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:18,459
Gonna be a very long night.

251
00:11:18,543 --> 00:11:22,709
I heard they had to add a second
In Memoriam just for heart disease.

252
00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:23,709
[guest laughs]

253
00:11:23,793 --> 00:11:26,584
If you'll excuse me,
I have to use the restroom.

254
00:11:28,043 --> 00:11:28,876
[Daniel sighs]

255
00:11:30,043 --> 00:11:31,626
[man] You bored too, kid?

256
00:11:31,709 --> 00:11:32,876
Hi, I'm Andy.

257
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:35,168
Oh my God, Andy Richter?

258
00:11:35,251 --> 00:11:36,584
I know who you are.

259
00:11:36,668 --> 00:11:39,959
I'm so happy to meet
a celebrity I actually recognize.

260
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:41,376
What are you doing here?

261
00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:44,668
They're giving me my fifth
Lifetime Achievement award tonight.

262
00:11:44,751 --> 00:11:45,876
You're from Chicago?

263
00:11:45,959 --> 00:11:47,876
Well, Yorkville, about an hour away.

264
00:11:47,959 --> 00:11:50,793
But you know
how this city loves to claim people.

265
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,459
I kinda hate these award shows.
No offense.

266
00:11:53,543 --> 00:11:56,959
Oh, this isn't mine.
I don't wanna be here either.

267
00:11:57,043 --> 00:12:01,459
Yeah, the only thing that's gonna make
tonight bearable is gettin' high!

268
00:12:01,543 --> 00:12:03,001
[chewing loudly]

269
00:12:03,084 --> 00:12:04,168
Weed brownie?

270
00:12:04,668 --> 00:12:06,918
Um, yeah, sure.

271
00:12:08,459 --> 00:12:09,376
Whoa!

272
00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:11,168
That's, like, for ten people.

273
00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:12,501
[swallows loudly]

274
00:12:13,001 --> 00:12:15,084
Maybe we should get some fresh air.

275
00:12:15,751 --> 00:12:18,751
Sure, some people here might own a Monet,

276
00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:22,793
but do they even know Magritte
was the real revolutionary?

277
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,334
Sorry, what was the question?

278
00:12:24,418 --> 00:12:26,584
I asked you what your last name was.

279
00:12:26,668 --> 00:12:28,793
I think that brownie's kickin' in.

280
00:12:28,876 --> 00:12:30,918
Mr. Richter, you're needed backstage.

281
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:33,251
Well, Daniel,
it was nice hanging with you,

282
00:12:33,334 --> 00:12:35,376
and good luck with all your art stuff.

283
00:12:35,459 --> 00:12:37,376
Oh, and a little Richter tip?

284
00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:39,251
Lay off the cologne.

285
00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:42,043
[eerie music playing]

286
00:12:42,126 --> 00:12:44,168
This place is like a maze.

287
00:12:49,793 --> 00:12:50,918
[Daniel] Andy?

288
00:12:54,459 --> 00:12:56,334
Whoa.

289
00:12:59,876 --> 00:13:00,876
[Bonnie exhales]

290
00:13:00,959 --> 00:13:02,793
-How do I look?
-Like you're hungry.

291
00:13:02,876 --> 00:13:04,584
Oh, thank you!

292
00:13:06,084 --> 00:13:09,543
All right, say "beef" on three. One, two--

293
00:13:09,626 --> 00:13:10,751
[Diane] Attention everyone!

294
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:13,126
Everyone! Stop what you're doing.

295
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:16,543
Take your seats, turn off your phones,
no flash photography.

296
00:13:16,626 --> 00:13:18,459
The Beefys are now beginning!

297
00:13:18,543 --> 00:13:20,209
-[crowd cheering]
-What is she doing?

298
00:13:20,293 --> 00:13:21,959
Wait, sir! Sir, we're ready!

299
00:13:22,043 --> 00:13:25,293
Mr. Whiddington, you're needed
backstage with the Beef Case.

300
00:13:25,376 --> 00:13:26,959
[dramatic musical flourish]

301
00:13:27,043 --> 00:13:30,834
-Bonnie, where the fudge is Daniel?
-I don't fudging know, Mark!

302
00:13:35,459 --> 00:13:36,626
-[phone ringing]
-No.

303
00:13:36,709 --> 00:13:37,626
[beeps]

304
00:13:40,709 --> 00:13:42,709
[panicked breathing]

305
00:13:43,751 --> 00:13:44,584
[whimpers]

306
00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:52,001
[yelps]

307
00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:54,959
[whimpering]

308
00:13:57,293 --> 00:13:58,626
[eerie voice] Daniel.

309
00:13:59,126 --> 00:14:00,126
Daniel.

310
00:14:00,626 --> 00:14:01,918
Daniel.

311
00:14:06,126 --> 00:14:07,751
Did you catch the Bears game this weekend?

312
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:10,251
Well, I'm more of a soccer man.

313
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:12,709
The skill, the grace, the agility…

314
00:14:12,793 --> 00:14:14,043
And the men are more handsome.

315
00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:16,876
More handsome?
Uh, you ever heard of Dick Butkus?

316
00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:19,043
-He's freakin' gorgeous.
-[Mikey] Ah, come on!

317
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:21,834
-I'm gonna go help Mikey in the kitchen.
-[clattering]

318
00:14:22,584 --> 00:14:24,168
Babe, is everything okay?

319
00:14:24,251 --> 00:14:26,001
No, this night's a disaster.

320
00:14:26,084 --> 00:14:27,168
I messed up dinner,

321
00:14:27,251 --> 00:14:30,251
the delivery's takin' forever
because of the frickin' Beefys,

322
00:14:30,334 --> 00:14:31,626
and your mom hates me.

323
00:14:31,709 --> 00:14:35,126
She doesn't hate you.
She's just having a terrible time.

324
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,418
[sighs] And where the hell's my mom?

325
00:14:39,001 --> 00:14:43,418
So, thanks, yous guys,
for namin' me Thickest Chicago Accent.

326
00:14:43,501 --> 00:14:45,501
I'd like to thank my tree sons,

327
00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:46,918
my tree daughters,

328
00:14:47,001 --> 00:14:48,834
and my tree ex-wives.

329
00:14:48,918 --> 00:14:51,668
-Okay, I guess dat's my time.
-[applause]

330
00:14:51,751 --> 00:14:54,876
-[fanfare on Diane's phone]
-Hey, stop playing people off.

331
00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:57,584
-Diane, have you seen Daniel?
-No, I haven't.

332
00:14:57,668 --> 00:15:00,626
Hey, Mark, can we get to
Chicagoan of the Year already?

333
00:15:00,709 --> 00:15:03,376
I need the Bears
to start shufflin'. Ticktock!

334
00:15:03,459 --> 00:15:04,834
Daniel has the Beef Case.

335
00:15:04,918 --> 00:15:07,334
The results are in the Beef Case.

336
00:15:07,418 --> 00:15:10,209
Nothing happens without the Beef Case!

337
00:15:10,293 --> 00:15:12,043
-[fanfare stops]
-Damn it!

338
00:15:12,126 --> 00:15:15,251
I'll miss some of Mikey's dinner,
but I can still make dessert.

339
00:15:15,334 --> 00:15:17,418
Okay, I'll go find Daniel.

340
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:19,209
You keep the show going.

341
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:21,668
You are killing it, Tina.

342
00:15:21,751 --> 00:15:23,459
You know you're not gettin' paid for this.

343
00:15:23,543 --> 00:15:25,668
[eerie, distorted vocalizations]

344
00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:27,126
-[growls]
-[Daniel yelps]

345
00:15:28,543 --> 00:15:31,543
[phone ringing]

346
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:33,376
-[beeps]
-Aunt Diane?

347
00:15:33,459 --> 00:15:35,084
[Diane] Where the hell are ya?

348
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,084
I don't know.

349
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:38,084
I'm incredibly scared,
a little starstruck,

350
00:15:38,168 --> 00:15:39,626
and I had some pot brownie.

351
00:15:39,709 --> 00:15:42,334
[Diane] Ah, shit, you were hangin' out
with Andy Richter, weren't ya?

352
00:15:42,418 --> 00:15:45,793
-He was so nice!
-[Diane] Okay, describe where ya are.

353
00:15:49,918 --> 00:15:51,959
-Hope you're all hungry.
-Oh thank God.

354
00:15:52,043 --> 00:15:53,918
The relish finally defrosted.

355
00:15:54,001 --> 00:15:55,543
[plane whooshing]

356
00:15:55,626 --> 00:15:58,626
That's probably the 8:05 to St. Louis.

357
00:15:58,709 --> 00:16:00,459
Does this happen often?

358
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,459
We live below
what they call a flight super-path.

359
00:16:03,543 --> 00:16:07,001
Mikey lives close to the airport
so it's easy for him to get to work.

360
00:16:07,084 --> 00:16:09,876
No, that's the 8:05 to St. Louis.

361
00:16:09,959 --> 00:16:12,543
I don't know how anyone
can live like this.

362
00:16:14,834 --> 00:16:15,668
Daniel.

363
00:16:16,751 --> 00:16:17,876
Daniel!

364
00:16:18,584 --> 00:16:19,668
Fuckin' Richter.

365
00:16:21,501 --> 00:16:22,334
[sniffs]

366
00:16:23,418 --> 00:16:24,293
Wait a second.

367
00:16:24,876 --> 00:16:26,751
Michael Jordan cologne.

368
00:16:28,126 --> 00:16:29,126
[Daniel whimpers]

369
00:16:29,709 --> 00:16:31,668
Hey, Daniel, it's me.

370
00:16:31,751 --> 00:16:32,709
Aunt Diane!

371
00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:35,668
I realized time is a circle,

372
00:16:35,751 --> 00:16:37,418
and one day, we'll be the bones,

373
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:40,959
and the dinosaurs
will be the ones looking at us.

374
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,918
How much of that brownie did you eat?

375
00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:44,043
All of it.

376
00:16:44,126 --> 00:16:46,668
First of all, that fuckin' rocks.

377
00:16:46,751 --> 00:16:49,501
Second of all, save some for a bitch.

378
00:16:49,584 --> 00:16:51,543
Now, come on. We gotta go.

379
00:16:51,626 --> 00:16:53,709
I don't want to. I hate the Beefys.

380
00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,459
I don't fit in with those people.

381
00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:58,001
Yeah, Daniel, and you don't want to.

382
00:16:58,084 --> 00:16:59,918
It's not about you fittin' in.

383
00:17:00,001 --> 00:17:01,584
Fittin' in is boring.

384
00:17:01,668 --> 00:17:03,334
You didn't skip goin' to Stanford

385
00:17:03,418 --> 00:17:06,084
so you can sit in the belly
of a big, dead dog

386
00:17:06,168 --> 00:17:09,168
while Chicago's funnest party
is in the next room.

387
00:17:09,668 --> 00:17:11,293
Come on down, Daniel.

388
00:17:11,376 --> 00:17:13,084
We gotta save the Beefys,

389
00:17:13,168 --> 00:17:15,334
and then I gotta hightail it to Mikey's.

390
00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,751
[distorted roar]

391
00:17:19,834 --> 00:17:22,168
Sue, thank you for your protections.

392
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:24,126
Okay, still high as shit.

393
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:26,084
-[applause]
-[nervous chuckle]

394
00:17:26,168 --> 00:17:27,751
Where are they?

395
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:29,668
Why did we trust Diane to find him?

396
00:17:29,751 --> 00:17:32,668
[echoing] Thank you, Chicago.
This Lifetime Achievement Award

397
00:17:32,751 --> 00:17:36,501
is gonna look great in my panic room
next to the other four.

398
00:17:37,001 --> 00:17:39,834
[echoing] And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for…

399
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:41,918
Here to present the Golden Beef Case,

400
00:17:42,001 --> 00:17:45,501
from the accounting firm
of Jernston, Waterprice, and Bouche,

401
00:17:45,584 --> 00:17:46,459
Mark Whiddington.

402
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:47,501
That's you.

403
00:17:51,709 --> 00:17:53,209
Um, hello.

404
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:55,126
Mark, where's the Beef Case?

405
00:17:55,209 --> 00:17:56,126
[crowd murmuring]

406
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,001
-[nervous chuckle]
-[crowd boos]

407
00:17:58,084 --> 00:17:59,751
[woman] Where's the Beef Case?

408
00:18:00,668 --> 00:18:02,834
-[woman 2] Get off the stage!
-[man] You suck!

409
00:18:02,918 --> 00:18:04,834
[woman 3] Boo… to you!

410
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:06,501
[dramatic music playing]

411
00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:10,459
Mark!

412
00:18:10,543 --> 00:18:12,709
[slowed down] I got it!

413
00:18:16,709 --> 00:18:17,834
[Beef Case clanging]

414
00:18:18,501 --> 00:18:20,126
Hmm. [awkward chuckling]

415
00:18:20,209 --> 00:18:22,293
Uh… [chuckles]

416
00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:25,626
[Mark] Oh God. Get back here. [sighs]

417
00:18:26,126 --> 00:18:27,418
[grunts, laughs- nervously]

418
00:18:27,501 --> 00:18:28,334
[yelps]

419
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:31,293
And the winner
of the Chicagoan of the Year is…

420
00:18:31,376 --> 00:18:33,543
once again, Andy Richter!

421
00:18:33,626 --> 00:18:34,459
[applause]

422
00:18:34,543 --> 00:18:35,626
Are you kidding me?

423
00:18:39,126 --> 00:18:43,001
Guys, I haven't lived here
for, like, 30 years.

424
00:18:44,168 --> 00:18:46,418
Damn it. Let's go. Let's go.

425
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,168
Get to the Bears!

426
00:18:48,251 --> 00:18:49,334
[gasps]

427
00:18:49,418 --> 00:18:52,251
[jaunty fanfare plays]

428
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:56,001
♪ Bear down, Chicago Bears ♪

429
00:18:56,084 --> 00:19:00,001
♪ Make every play
Clear the way to victory ♪

430
00:19:00,084 --> 00:19:03,668
♪ Bear down, Chicago Bears ♪

431
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:07,209
♪ Put up a fight
With the might so fearlessly ♪

432
00:19:07,293 --> 00:19:09,418
Da-- Da-- Ditka. Da coach.

433
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:10,668
And da Bears.

434
00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:12,918
Da Bears and da coach!

435
00:19:13,001 --> 00:19:16,543
-How ya doin', honey?
-Coach, I am your biggest fan.

436
00:19:16,626 --> 00:19:18,876
I've seen every game you ever coached.

437
00:19:18,959 --> 00:19:22,501
And I flashed ya
when you lost to the Packers in '92.

438
00:19:22,584 --> 00:19:24,043
Best part of that fuckin' game.

439
00:19:24,126 --> 00:19:26,334
Excuse me, Mr. Ditka. I'm so sorry,

440
00:19:26,418 --> 00:19:29,251
but we still need someone to do
Kevin Butler's part in The Shuffle.

441
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,918
Ah, goddamn it,
you can never depend on kickers.

442
00:19:32,418 --> 00:19:34,459
How 'bout you, headlights?
You know the lyrics?

443
00:19:35,709 --> 00:19:38,084
Know 'em? I wrote 'em!

444
00:19:38,168 --> 00:19:39,459
She's the one, boys.

445
00:19:39,543 --> 00:19:42,168
-[all players] Mm-hmm.
-'85 Bears, you're on!

446
00:19:42,251 --> 00:19:44,168
Fuck yeah! Here we go!

447
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:47,376
Right after the third intermission.
Back in 30 minutes.

448
00:19:47,459 --> 00:19:48,668
Third intermission?

449
00:19:48,751 --> 00:19:50,626
-What is this, hockey?
-[phone buzzing]

450
00:19:50,709 --> 00:19:52,376
[Mikey] Ma, it's a nightmare.

451
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:54,376
I ruined dinner, and they're gonna leave.

452
00:19:54,876 --> 00:19:56,793
[Bears] Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

453
00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:58,501
Coach, I gotta go.

454
00:19:58,584 --> 00:19:59,918
What? Are you serious?

455
00:20:00,001 --> 00:20:02,084
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

456
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,001
[sighs] You're right, Coach.

457
00:20:04,084 --> 00:20:07,084
Shuffling with the Bears
would be a dream come true,

458
00:20:07,168 --> 00:20:10,251
but right now,
I gotta be there for my son.

459
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,751
He's actually named after you.

460
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:14,876
Well, it sounds like
your son Ditka's got a great mom.

461
00:20:16,751 --> 00:20:18,876
Now, who the hell's
gonna do Butthead's part?

462
00:20:18,959 --> 00:20:20,334
I'll tell ya who.

463
00:20:20,418 --> 00:20:21,793
My nephew, Daniel.

464
00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:23,709
He knows all the words to the Shuffle.

465
00:20:23,793 --> 00:20:25,751
I sing it around the house all the time.

466
00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:27,501
He'll do great for you, Coach.

467
00:20:27,584 --> 00:20:29,668
All right, you're in, kiddo. [grunts]

468
00:20:31,084 --> 00:20:33,918
Shit. I figured you had a jersey on too.

469
00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:35,376
This is your fault.

470
00:20:35,459 --> 00:20:37,959
The cool air feels so good on my skin.

471
00:20:38,668 --> 00:20:39,584
Taxi!

472
00:20:43,251 --> 00:20:45,709
Please don't go.
I'm sorry I didn't realize

473
00:20:45,793 --> 00:20:47,709
fish food was food for fishes.

474
00:20:47,793 --> 00:20:50,168
Anyone who can't plan a dinner

475
00:20:50,251 --> 00:20:52,918
clearly can't plan a life
with my daughter.

476
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:56,459
All right, that's enough!
Now, listen here!

477
00:20:56,543 --> 00:20:59,084
Sure, my son might not live
in the nicest neighborhood,

478
00:20:59,168 --> 00:21:00,918
and yeah, he's not the best host,

479
00:21:01,001 --> 00:21:04,751
and maybe he does still have
a few of his baby teeth, and, uh…

480
00:21:04,834 --> 00:21:07,876
Ah, goddamn it, I don't know
where I was going with this!

481
00:21:07,959 --> 00:21:08,959
Come along, Gabriella.

482
00:21:09,043 --> 00:21:12,459
This large boy has failed us.
Let's go have a real dinner.

483
00:21:13,126 --> 00:21:15,084
Who's freakin' hungry?

484
00:21:15,168 --> 00:21:17,626
-Oh thank God.
-Ma, you're here!

485
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,376
You're damn right I'm here.

486
00:21:19,459 --> 00:21:22,001
I wouldn't miss this for anything.

487
00:21:22,084 --> 00:21:23,918
Sorry I'm a little late, sweetie.

488
00:21:24,001 --> 00:21:26,126
Nice to meet you, Gabriella.

489
00:21:26,209 --> 00:21:28,501
You're even more beautiful in person.

490
00:21:28,584 --> 00:21:30,959
-We were just leaving.
-Oh no, you can't.

491
00:21:31,043 --> 00:21:35,293
I wanna sit and eat and talk about
what an amazing daughter you've raised.

492
00:21:35,376 --> 00:21:38,168
Kurt, move your car.
You parked like an asshole.

493
00:21:38,251 --> 00:21:39,334
Yeah.

494
00:21:39,418 --> 00:21:41,209
Ooh, I like her.

495
00:21:42,293 --> 00:21:46,501
My Mikey actually learned
how to bench press before he could crawl.

496
00:21:46,584 --> 00:21:48,209
Ooh, he does look very strong.

497
00:21:48,293 --> 00:21:50,584
You want a little more giardiniera,
sweetheart?

498
00:21:50,668 --> 00:21:52,626
[in Spanish] I want to eat you.

499
00:21:52,709 --> 00:21:56,376
Yeah! Quiero comerte, everyone!

500
00:21:56,459 --> 00:21:58,126
[jaunty music playing]

501
00:21:58,876 --> 00:22:00,293
Start us off right, kid.

502
00:22:00,376 --> 00:22:01,209
-[grunts]
-Ooh!

503
00:22:01,293 --> 00:22:03,293
['80s electronic music playing]

504
00:22:11,001 --> 00:22:13,459
[rapping] ♪ Well, they call me Butthead
And I like to kick ♪

505
00:22:13,543 --> 00:22:15,668
♪ Missing a field goal
Just makes me sick ♪

506
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:18,334
I don't remember the kicker
singing in this song,

507
00:22:18,418 --> 00:22:20,084
but I'm also really high.

508
00:22:20,168 --> 00:22:22,501
♪ Special teams are what I like the most ♪

509
00:22:22,584 --> 00:22:25,084
♪ 'Cause I kick the ball
Right through the post ♪

510
00:22:25,168 --> 00:22:27,168
♪ Coming into crunch time, down by two ♪

511
00:22:27,251 --> 00:22:29,376
♪ Is a guy with a body just like you ♪

512
00:22:29,459 --> 00:22:31,584
♪ I didn't come here
To burst any bubbles ♪

513
00:22:31,668 --> 00:22:34,126
♪ I just came here to do the '85 Shuffle ♪

514
00:22:35,959 --> 00:22:38,001
[crowd cheering]

515
00:22:43,626 --> 00:22:47,501
[Bonnie] I'm so proud of you, Daniel!
Northshore magazine!

516
00:22:48,084 --> 00:22:50,084
[closing theme music plays]