1 00:00:06,543 --> 00:00:07,751 [neon buzzing] 2 00:00:11,918 --> 00:00:13,209 Hey, Diane! 3 00:00:13,293 --> 00:00:15,709 What can I get my favorite meat lover today? 4 00:00:15,793 --> 00:00:17,918 Hi, Tony. What's about to go bad? 5 00:00:18,001 --> 00:00:20,501 We got ground chuck that's lookin' pretty gray. 6 00:00:20,584 --> 00:00:23,043 Oof, gray meat, huh? Better play it safe. 7 00:00:23,126 --> 00:00:24,626 Just give me five pounds. 8 00:00:26,418 --> 00:00:29,501 Kurt Kosinski, as I live and wheeze. 9 00:00:29,584 --> 00:00:30,793 Oh, Diane. 10 00:00:30,876 --> 00:00:32,376 To what do I owe the honor? 11 00:00:32,459 --> 00:00:33,459 Oh, I-- [chuckles] 12 00:00:34,084 --> 00:00:37,168 I was just gettin' some pork butt for my chili here. 13 00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:40,168 -[gasps] -[dramatic music plays] 14 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,168 You changed your matching tattoo 15 00:00:45,251 --> 00:00:47,834 we got on our second honeymoon in Pensacola? 16 00:00:48,418 --> 00:00:49,626 I can see you're upset, 17 00:00:49,709 --> 00:00:51,834 but it's not fair to Heidi to see your name 18 00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,751 every time she's shaving my back. 19 00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:54,876 I'm not upset. 20 00:00:54,959 --> 00:00:58,459 I'm just glad there's an actual tramp in your tramp stamp now. 21 00:00:58,543 --> 00:01:01,043 Tony, gimme all the pork butt you got. 22 00:01:01,126 --> 00:01:03,751 Diane, my chili. That's a low blow. 23 00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:07,209 And that's the last low blow you'll ever get from me. 24 00:01:07,293 --> 00:01:10,751 Take a good look at this beauty, 'cause the next time you see it, 25 00:01:10,834 --> 00:01:13,543 it's gonna say "Diane and not Kurt"! 26 00:01:13,626 --> 00:01:15,876 -Here's your pork butt, Diane. -[grunts] 27 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:17,334 Number 69. 28 00:01:17,418 --> 00:01:18,751 [in strained voice] Nice! 29 00:01:18,834 --> 00:01:20,834 [opening theme music playing] 30 00:01:26,209 --> 00:01:28,043 [Daniel sighs] Okay. 31 00:01:28,126 --> 00:01:30,876 Daniel! You're finally awake! I need your opinion. 32 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:32,501 Yes, quit smoking. 33 00:01:33,376 --> 00:01:35,501 No, I was gonna ask about my old tat-- 34 00:01:35,584 --> 00:01:37,626 I can't, I'm running late for work. 35 00:01:37,709 --> 00:01:39,626 -Have you been up all night? -Yeah. 36 00:01:39,709 --> 00:01:42,793 I was researching tattoos to cover up an old embarrassing one. 37 00:01:43,376 --> 00:01:45,001 You're getting rid of the Tasmanian Devil? 38 00:01:45,084 --> 00:01:47,334 -No! -Calvin peeing on the Green Bay Packers? 39 00:01:47,418 --> 00:01:48,418 Hell no! 40 00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:49,501 This eyesore. 41 00:01:49,584 --> 00:01:51,751 Kurt's moved on, and I gotta do the same. 42 00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:55,293 Ugh, Aunt Diane, it's way too early for me to see your love handle. 43 00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:57,668 There's no love left on this handle. 44 00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,751 And until Kurt's name is off my body, 45 00:01:59,834 --> 00:02:02,626 please refer to this area by its medical term, 46 00:02:02,709 --> 00:02:04,001 fatty patty. 47 00:02:04,084 --> 00:02:06,251 I probably won't refer to it at all. 48 00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:07,876 Anyhoo, 49 00:02:07,959 --> 00:02:11,043 I have an appointment downtown tomorrow morning to get it covered. 50 00:02:11,126 --> 00:02:14,418 Wait, tomorrow's the marathon. It's gonna be a zoo down there. 51 00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:17,126 Yeah, well, my tattoo guy's havin' a special. 52 00:02:17,209 --> 00:02:20,501 Whatever I want for $275 cash. 53 00:02:20,584 --> 00:02:22,084 Come on, Daniel. 54 00:02:22,168 --> 00:02:24,543 I need a fellow cool, young person's opinion 55 00:02:24,626 --> 00:02:27,251 on what would best highlight this bangin' bod. 56 00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:29,376 -My work shirt! -My Kahlúa! 57 00:02:29,459 --> 00:02:32,293 Now I'm gonna be late, and Koos Groos is going to be there. 58 00:02:32,376 --> 00:02:34,876 [scoffs] The hell is Kroos Goos? 59 00:02:34,959 --> 00:02:37,084 Koos Groos. 60 00:02:37,168 --> 00:02:40,209 He's the CEO of Kreativ Jus and kind of an icon. 61 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,918 They say he can change his height through meditation. 62 00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:46,543 Big deal. I can change my weight through defecation. 63 00:02:46,626 --> 00:02:48,501 [laughs] Good one. 64 00:02:48,584 --> 00:02:50,043 Pretty gross though. 65 00:02:51,668 --> 00:02:53,709 Thought you got away, didn't ya? 66 00:02:55,084 --> 00:02:58,626 Tomorrow, I, Koos Groos, will run the marathon 67 00:02:58,709 --> 00:03:03,543 without the help of water, shoes, or conventional training. 68 00:03:05,209 --> 00:03:06,293 When I finish, 69 00:03:06,376 --> 00:03:10,418 I will drink our new Recoup Jus from this hose 70 00:03:10,501 --> 00:03:12,501 and be reborn anew. 71 00:03:13,001 --> 00:03:17,293 Now go forth and make juice! 72 00:03:18,001 --> 00:03:19,709 [Daniel panting] 73 00:03:21,084 --> 00:03:23,168 Ah, a latecomer. 74 00:03:23,251 --> 00:03:27,043 Tardiness is a manifestation of an imbalance in the soul. 75 00:03:27,126 --> 00:03:28,584 That's what I've been saying. 76 00:03:28,668 --> 00:03:32,418 But there is so much untapped potential in this little head, 77 00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:36,584 like a beautiful maple tree waiting to spill its sweet sap. 78 00:03:36,668 --> 00:03:38,501 I'm so sorry I'm late, Mr. Groos. 79 00:03:38,584 --> 00:03:39,543 Oh please. 80 00:03:39,626 --> 00:03:42,709 Mr. Groos is the man that found me in the woods and raised me. 81 00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:43,834 Call me Koos. 82 00:03:43,918 --> 00:03:46,126 Oh. Okay, Koos. 83 00:03:46,209 --> 00:03:48,168 Redemption awaits you, Little Maple. 84 00:03:48,668 --> 00:03:51,334 I choose you to nourish me at the finish line. 85 00:03:52,376 --> 00:03:54,209 It would be my honor. 86 00:03:54,293 --> 00:03:55,126 Mwah. 87 00:03:56,293 --> 00:03:57,626 Daniel, this is huge. 88 00:03:57,709 --> 00:04:01,459 The last employee who fed Koos Groos juice is now the CFO. 89 00:04:01,543 --> 00:04:03,501 You cannot be late tomorrow. 90 00:04:03,584 --> 00:04:06,001 Absolutely. This is such an honor. 91 00:04:06,084 --> 00:04:08,543 I do feel I haven't been living up to my full potential-- 92 00:04:08,626 --> 00:04:09,709 That's great. 93 00:04:09,793 --> 00:04:13,709 Speaking of which, someone unloaded their full potential into the toilet, 94 00:04:13,793 --> 00:04:15,418 and we open in ten minutes. 95 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:21,293 I'm feeling good, Bon. 96 00:04:21,376 --> 00:04:24,251 I'm feeling I'm gonna make it past the halfway point this year. 97 00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:28,043 In fact, I think I might finish the whole dang marathon. 98 00:04:28,126 --> 00:04:31,751 That's great, hon. But just in case, I'm packing your resuscitation kit. 99 00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:36,168 And I'll have this participation medal waiting for you at mile 13. 100 00:04:36,251 --> 00:04:39,793 No need. I've gotten rid of all the things that have held me back in the past, 101 00:04:39,876 --> 00:04:40,876 like my running club-- 102 00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:44,168 I don't think it was fair that the Jog Fathers kicked you out 103 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,043 for running at your own pace. 104 00:04:46,126 --> 00:04:47,209 It was mutual. 105 00:04:47,293 --> 00:04:50,876 Plus, I got this new protein goo that doesn't cause tummy troubles. 106 00:04:50,959 --> 00:04:52,418 Good for you. 107 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,876 Just in case, I'll still bring your emergency undies. 108 00:04:54,959 --> 00:04:56,751 And to take my mind off the pain, 109 00:04:56,834 --> 00:05:00,043 new James Patterson audiobook, read by Seth Rogen. 110 00:05:00,126 --> 00:05:06,043 [Bonnie reading summary out loud] 111 00:05:06,126 --> 00:05:08,418 -Hmm. -Patterson's done it again. 112 00:05:08,501 --> 00:05:11,501 I can already taste my victory chicken piccata at Rosebud. 113 00:05:11,584 --> 00:05:14,168 -No capers. Hold the sauce. -[phone ringing] 114 00:05:14,251 --> 00:05:16,543 -[indistinct chatter] -Rachel, hi. 115 00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:18,959 I'm gonna stretch before my muscles stiffen up. 116 00:05:19,043 --> 00:05:21,918 Your essential oils party starts at 10:00 a.m.? 117 00:05:22,001 --> 00:05:24,001 Oh, can't forget to hydrate. 118 00:05:24,084 --> 00:05:26,209 Mark usually poops out halfway through, 119 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,876 so put me down as a yes. 120 00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:30,584 [sighs dejectedly] 121 00:05:33,001 --> 00:05:35,418 So far, my front-runner's a Chicago Bear 122 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,168 with the head of a Bull and the wings of a Blackhawk. 123 00:05:38,251 --> 00:05:41,084 -Is that too classy for a tattoo? -Yeah, sure. 124 00:05:41,168 --> 00:05:42,834 The black XL, that's too much. 125 00:05:42,918 --> 00:05:46,126 Daniel, stop looking at porn and help me figure this out. 126 00:05:46,209 --> 00:05:49,501 It's not porn. I'm scheduling my Uber for tomorrow morning. 127 00:05:49,584 --> 00:05:52,209 I'm not taking any chances with the marathon traffic. 128 00:05:52,293 --> 00:05:53,334 Just ride with me. 129 00:05:53,418 --> 00:05:56,501 My tattoo appointment's near the finish line. Cancel! 130 00:05:56,584 --> 00:05:59,251 I can get you downtown faster than anyone. 131 00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:02,209 I know this city like the back of my fatty patty. 132 00:06:02,293 --> 00:06:05,168 Aunt Diane, no. I cannot be late. 133 00:06:05,251 --> 00:06:08,626 The CEO chose me. He said I was his Little Maple. 134 00:06:08,709 --> 00:06:11,084 Okay, I don't know what's goin' on over there, 135 00:06:11,168 --> 00:06:16,126 but fine, I'll just have this minor surgery all by myself. 136 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,084 If I bleed out on the way home, 137 00:06:18,168 --> 00:06:20,668 maybe someone will roll me under an awning 138 00:06:20,751 --> 00:06:22,959 so I don't get rained on. 139 00:06:23,043 --> 00:06:25,668 But go ahead, order your Yoober. 140 00:06:25,751 --> 00:06:27,959 Kurt's moved on. Looks like you have too. 141 00:06:28,043 --> 00:06:30,668 Oh my God. Fine, I'll go with you. 142 00:06:30,751 --> 00:06:31,626 Perfect! 143 00:06:31,709 --> 00:06:33,834 We're gonna be responsible and go to bed. 144 00:06:33,918 --> 00:06:35,209 Okay, off to bed. 145 00:06:36,084 --> 00:06:37,001 [pop top opening] 146 00:06:37,084 --> 00:06:39,543 No beer. We have to get up early. 147 00:06:39,626 --> 00:06:41,501 You got it. NyQuil it is. 148 00:06:41,584 --> 00:06:42,543 -[door closes] -Ugh. 149 00:06:43,459 --> 00:06:44,834 [alarm buzzes] 150 00:06:44,918 --> 00:06:47,626 [dramatic rock music playing] 151 00:06:47,709 --> 00:06:49,793 [alarm buzzes] 152 00:07:20,209 --> 00:07:22,584 [crowd cheering] 153 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,668 [music fades] 154 00:07:32,751 --> 00:07:34,293 [Diane slurping] 155 00:07:34,376 --> 00:07:37,084 Yuck! Tastes like a front yard. 156 00:07:37,168 --> 00:07:39,001 Let's grab some rum to even her out. 157 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,918 Stop drinking the product. 158 00:07:41,001 --> 00:07:43,709 And no stops. We're heading straight downtown. 159 00:07:45,584 --> 00:07:47,584 No! 160 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,376 They gave me a boot for one parking ticket? 161 00:07:50,459 --> 00:07:51,709 Damn it! 162 00:07:54,043 --> 00:07:57,584 Ugh, now there are no Ubers available because of the marathon. 163 00:07:57,668 --> 00:08:00,668 This is exactly why I wanted to schedule a pickup last night. 164 00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:03,959 -Don't worry, I'll just call a cab. -They're all full already. 165 00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:06,168 Watch and learn, sweetie. 166 00:08:08,876 --> 00:08:10,959 Hey, watch where you're goin'! 167 00:08:11,043 --> 00:08:15,501 Sorry, I didn't see ya on account of me being so pregnant 168 00:08:15,584 --> 00:08:16,709 with twins. 169 00:08:16,793 --> 00:08:18,668 Oh my God, are you okay? 170 00:08:18,751 --> 00:08:21,251 I'm just trying to get to the hospital. 171 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,334 That's my doctor over there. 172 00:08:23,834 --> 00:08:26,084 She could pop at any second. 173 00:08:26,168 --> 00:08:27,043 Take my cab. 174 00:08:27,126 --> 00:08:29,626 At your age, pregnancy's already risky enough. 175 00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:30,584 Fuck you. 176 00:08:30,668 --> 00:08:33,251 I mean, thank you, kind sir. 177 00:08:34,584 --> 00:08:35,668 My babies! 178 00:08:36,793 --> 00:08:39,834 Make like a porn star with no lube and burn rubbers! 179 00:08:39,918 --> 00:08:40,751 Hey! 180 00:08:41,376 --> 00:08:42,709 [laughing] 181 00:08:42,793 --> 00:08:44,668 I shoulda been an actor. 182 00:08:44,751 --> 00:08:47,959 Google Maps is saying it's an hour to downtown if we take Lake Shore. 183 00:08:48,043 --> 00:08:50,334 Bullshit. Turn left here. 184 00:08:50,418 --> 00:08:53,251 Left? That's the opposite direction of where we're going. 185 00:08:53,334 --> 00:08:56,709 Daniel, do you know why they call me the queen of the shortcut? 186 00:08:56,793 --> 00:08:59,334 Because it's the easiest haircut to give? 187 00:08:59,418 --> 00:09:01,459 Okay, I guess there's two reasons. 188 00:09:01,543 --> 00:09:04,043 You gotta trust me if you wanna get downtown 189 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:06,084 to feed your juice to Mr. Booze Cruise. 190 00:09:06,168 --> 00:09:07,584 It's Koos Groos. 191 00:09:07,668 --> 00:09:11,168 Ugh. Traffic isn't lookin' any better up this way. 192 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,418 I know a little alley up ahead. 193 00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:15,459 Kurt and I used to stop and bang there 194 00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:17,584 on our way home from Montrose Beach. 195 00:09:17,668 --> 00:09:20,251 It was a good way to get the sand out of our cracks. 196 00:09:21,126 --> 00:09:22,584 You can't smoke back there. 197 00:09:22,668 --> 00:09:24,668 Oops. Sorry, sweetie. 198 00:09:24,751 --> 00:09:27,626 Those alley sex memories got me all hot and bothered. 199 00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,834 Ah! My tax receipts! 200 00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,001 -Don't worry, I got it! -Look out! 201 00:09:33,084 --> 00:09:34,293 [brakes screech] 202 00:09:34,918 --> 00:09:36,584 -Get out! -Oh come on. 203 00:09:36,668 --> 00:09:38,751 I've squirted way worse things in a taxi. 204 00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:40,334 Get out! 205 00:09:40,418 --> 00:09:42,334 [Diane panting] 206 00:09:42,418 --> 00:09:43,459 Come on! 207 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,043 That was epic! 208 00:09:46,126 --> 00:09:48,126 Can you move faster, please? 209 00:09:48,209 --> 00:09:50,501 Top five cab kick-outs ever. 210 00:09:50,584 --> 00:09:53,293 Number one's gotta be when the Blackhawks won the cup, 211 00:09:53,376 --> 00:09:55,418 and Kurt was so excited, he pulled a surf and turf. 212 00:09:55,501 --> 00:09:56,876 Please do not explain. 213 00:09:56,959 --> 00:10:00,168 That's when you surf on the roof of a car with your meat hangin' out. 214 00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:02,584 One of the best nights of my life. 215 00:10:03,543 --> 00:10:05,043 Ah, thank Christ! 216 00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,543 Diane Dunbrowski. 217 00:10:06,626 --> 00:10:09,084 You got a lotta nerve trying to get on my bus 218 00:10:09,168 --> 00:10:10,918 while you still owe me money. 219 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,959 [Diane] You owe me money, Randy. 220 00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:15,918 That's how multi-level marketing works! 221 00:10:16,001 --> 00:10:19,918 How many scams do you do? 222 00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:22,876 Ah, the bus would've been stuck in traffic anyway. 223 00:10:22,959 --> 00:10:24,834 The train's the only way to go. 224 00:10:28,209 --> 00:10:29,834 High-fiber protein biscuit? 225 00:10:29,918 --> 00:10:31,751 I'm all good. Thanks! 226 00:10:32,668 --> 00:10:34,918 [Seth Rogen] The garish showboating of lesser FBI agents 227 00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:38,459 always got them killed, but Axel knew how to lay low. 228 00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:40,084 He was a lone wolf 229 00:10:40,168 --> 00:10:41,126 on his own. 230 00:10:41,209 --> 00:10:44,209 I am a lone wolf. I'm on my own. 231 00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,001 -Watch it! -Excuse me! 232 00:10:47,084 --> 00:10:48,001 [Diane] See-- 233 00:10:48,084 --> 00:10:49,209 See-- 234 00:10:49,293 --> 00:10:50,251 That was-- 235 00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:52,168 That was-- 236 00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:53,709 That wasn't-- 237 00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:55,251 That wasn't so-- 238 00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:56,876 That wasn't so bad. 239 00:10:56,959 --> 00:10:59,501 Okay, we gotta hurry. We're not great on time. 240 00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:01,459 Aunt Diane? 241 00:11:01,543 --> 00:11:05,709 -Three devil dawgs and one fry. -Hey, we don't have time for this! 242 00:11:05,793 --> 00:11:09,001 Fine. Okay, one devil dawg and three fries. 243 00:11:09,084 --> 00:11:11,876 I'm getting on that train with or without you. 244 00:11:14,001 --> 00:11:15,126 Excuse me, juice emergency. 245 00:11:15,209 --> 00:11:17,543 -What? Oh no! -Daniel-- 246 00:11:17,626 --> 00:11:19,001 [both grunting] 247 00:11:19,084 --> 00:11:20,293 Five-second rule! 248 00:11:20,376 --> 00:11:21,876 Not on public transportation. 249 00:11:21,959 --> 00:11:23,251 [conductor] Attention! 250 00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:25,709 This train is being rerouted. 251 00:11:25,793 --> 00:11:28,293 Next stop, Midway Airport. 252 00:11:28,376 --> 00:11:30,334 -Ah, shit! -No! 253 00:11:31,376 --> 00:11:33,001 Water is for the weak! 254 00:11:36,918 --> 00:11:38,751 Water! I need water! 255 00:11:38,834 --> 00:11:41,793 Oh sorry, we're all out. Oh God. 256 00:11:42,376 --> 00:11:45,459 Congratulations, honey! You did it! 257 00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:47,293 No, I'm not done. 258 00:11:47,376 --> 00:11:49,959 Oh, Mark, I think you're a little dehydrated. 259 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,043 It's okay if you need to quit. 260 00:11:52,126 --> 00:11:53,543 I bet you'd like that! 261 00:11:53,626 --> 00:11:57,418 What? Mark, you're done. Look how much your nipples are bleeding. 262 00:11:57,501 --> 00:11:59,043 Everything's bleeding! 263 00:11:59,126 --> 00:12:02,043 You can go to your essential oil party if you want. 264 00:12:02,126 --> 00:12:05,876 But the only place this lone wolf's going to is the finish line. 265 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:08,626 I'm cranking this shit to 1.5 speed. 266 00:12:08,709 --> 00:12:10,334 Let's do this, Seth Rogen! 267 00:12:10,918 --> 00:12:13,501 The garish showboating of lesser FBI agents always got them killed, 268 00:12:13,584 --> 00:12:14,918 but Axel knew how to lay low. 269 00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,834 He was a lone wolf on his own. 270 00:12:18,959 --> 00:12:22,334 [Daniel] We're, like, twice as far away on the completely opposite side of town. 271 00:12:22,418 --> 00:12:25,376 Also, how is no one stopping us? This is insane! 272 00:12:25,459 --> 00:12:26,626 It's perfect. 273 00:12:26,709 --> 00:12:29,543 We'll borrow Mikey's LeBaron and slip in the back way 274 00:12:29,626 --> 00:12:32,418 faster than a couple of Catholic teens on prom night. 275 00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:35,834 -Hi, baby! -Ma, what are you two doin' here? 276 00:12:35,918 --> 00:12:37,751 We're heading downtown 'cause I have to work, 277 00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:38,959 and she's getting a new ta-- 278 00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:40,501 …ampon. 279 00:12:40,584 --> 00:12:43,793 Uh, old gal's still got the flow. 280 00:12:43,876 --> 00:12:46,834 No, no, yucky, Ma, yucky! I don't wanna think about that! 281 00:12:46,918 --> 00:12:48,918 We need the keys to your car, Mikey. 282 00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:51,918 Um, well, Dad has it this weekend. 283 00:12:52,001 --> 00:12:52,959 Damn it. 284 00:12:53,043 --> 00:12:55,751 Where the hell is Kurt goin' that he needs a car? 285 00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:57,793 He went to Milwaukee with Heidi. 286 00:12:57,876 --> 00:12:59,626 They went to Cheddar Fest? 287 00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:01,334 No, they're at Cheese Days. 288 00:13:01,418 --> 00:13:04,668 Well, I hope Heidi enjoys the car ride back with Kurt 289 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:07,668 after he's been pounding provolone for two days. 290 00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:10,584 Sorry, Ma. I wish I could be more helpful. 291 00:13:10,668 --> 00:13:15,334 Oh, you're perfect, my sweet angel. 292 00:13:15,418 --> 00:13:18,584 [grunts] Frickin' X Games are this week. 293 00:13:18,668 --> 00:13:21,418 Wait, X Games… I have an idea. 294 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:25,043 I'm thinkin' the same thing. We hijack one of these planes. 295 00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:26,334 What? No! 296 00:13:26,418 --> 00:13:28,709 Fine, let's do your thing. 297 00:13:30,251 --> 00:13:31,543 Good call, Daniel. 298 00:13:31,626 --> 00:13:34,001 We're like a couple of Tony Hawks. 299 00:13:34,084 --> 00:13:37,543 Hey, why didn't you tell Mikey about your tattoo back there? 300 00:13:37,626 --> 00:13:40,084 You've been talking about it nonstop. 301 00:13:40,168 --> 00:13:41,584 Well, he's sensitive. 302 00:13:41,668 --> 00:13:44,209 And it's not just a tattoo to Mikey, 303 00:13:44,293 --> 00:13:47,751 it's also that he's getting older, and me and his dad is all he knows. 304 00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:49,334 And now he's scared he blew it, 305 00:13:49,418 --> 00:13:52,043 and he's never gonna have a dad that good again. 306 00:13:52,126 --> 00:13:54,084 Are we still talking about Mikey? 307 00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,793 Keep your eyes on the road. 308 00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:58,043 [Daniel] Do we take Wacker or Lower Wacker? 309 00:13:58,126 --> 00:14:01,209 Neither! We're takin' Lowest Wacker! 310 00:14:01,293 --> 00:14:02,626 [Daniel exclaiming] 311 00:14:03,793 --> 00:14:05,918 [Seth Rogan] The people he thought were his allies 312 00:14:06,001 --> 00:14:07,251 had actually been his saboteurs. 313 00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:10,834 [inhaling bong hit] Whoa, this is getting good. [exhales] 314 00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,751 Axel saw them gathering to conspire against him, 315 00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:14,709 but this time, he's beating them to the punch. 316 00:14:14,793 --> 00:14:17,626 But this time, he's beating them to the punch! 317 00:14:18,126 --> 00:14:20,418 [Mark moaning, groaning] 318 00:14:20,501 --> 00:14:25,168 [Diane and Daniel yelling] 319 00:14:25,918 --> 00:14:26,834 [Daniel panting] 320 00:14:27,418 --> 00:14:29,043 That was terrifying! 321 00:14:29,126 --> 00:14:31,251 That was awesome! 322 00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:33,293 Oh my God, there it is! 323 00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:35,876 The Shortcut Queen does it again! 324 00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:36,793 [alarm ringing] 325 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,209 No! We're so close! 326 00:14:39,293 --> 00:14:41,084 What are you doing? We can make it! 327 00:14:41,168 --> 00:14:42,251 Are you crazy? 328 00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:44,918 These bridges are like gas station Viagra. 329 00:14:45,001 --> 00:14:48,168 You have four or five minutes before it actually goes up. 330 00:14:48,251 --> 00:14:50,418 [both grunting] 331 00:14:52,293 --> 00:14:53,626 -[laughing] -Diane, let go. 332 00:14:53,709 --> 00:14:55,668 You need to trust me! 333 00:14:55,751 --> 00:14:58,459 I did, and look where it got me! 334 00:14:59,793 --> 00:15:04,751 -[Daniel] Holy shit! -[Diane] This fuckin' rocks! 335 00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:05,834 [bell tolls] 336 00:15:05,918 --> 00:15:07,584 -[gulls cawing] -[Daniel grunting] 337 00:15:07,668 --> 00:15:09,001 You know what they say. 338 00:15:09,084 --> 00:15:10,834 One man's trash is another-- 339 00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:13,084 Oh, these are all diapers. 340 00:15:13,168 --> 00:15:15,084 [man] Okay, Jog Fathers on three. 341 00:15:15,168 --> 00:15:17,543 -[Seth] Axel's enemies were in formation. -[all] Jog Fathers! 342 00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:19,626 It was now or never. 343 00:15:19,709 --> 00:15:22,126 Not this time, Jog Fathers! 344 00:15:22,209 --> 00:15:24,376 [distorted yelling] 345 00:15:25,376 --> 00:15:27,084 -[thud] -[Mark] Ow! 346 00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:29,418 Oh my God! [moaning in pain] 347 00:15:31,376 --> 00:15:33,001 Okay, take another one. 348 00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,501 -[barge horn blows] -[Daniel groans] 349 00:15:35,584 --> 00:15:37,043 That was epic! 350 00:15:37,126 --> 00:15:39,334 Top five bridge fall-offs of all time! 351 00:15:40,001 --> 00:15:41,626 -Once, Kurt and I-- -Enough! 352 00:15:41,709 --> 00:15:44,751 I can't take another story about you and Kurt. 353 00:15:45,751 --> 00:15:47,751 Wait. Oh my God. 354 00:15:47,834 --> 00:15:50,001 You didn't even want to get downtown, did you? 355 00:15:50,084 --> 00:15:52,043 You didn't want to get rid of that tattoo. 356 00:15:52,126 --> 00:15:53,668 That is not accurate. 357 00:15:53,751 --> 00:15:55,668 You knew how important this day was to me, 358 00:15:55,751 --> 00:15:58,793 but it's just been a fun walk down memory lane for you. 359 00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:02,293 And now we're literally on a floating heap of soiled diapers, 360 00:16:02,376 --> 00:16:05,501 and we've lost the juice, which was my one responsibility. 361 00:16:05,584 --> 00:16:08,418 I blew off college, I'm not doing anything with my art, 362 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,584 and this job is all I have! 363 00:16:11,376 --> 00:16:13,209 And I can't even do this right. 364 00:16:13,709 --> 00:16:15,668 I failed Koos Groos. 365 00:16:16,293 --> 00:16:17,293 It's over. 366 00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:18,751 The hell it is. 367 00:16:18,834 --> 00:16:21,709 It's not over till the hot lady sings. 368 00:16:22,209 --> 00:16:23,793 [Seth Rogen] Things were tense. 369 00:16:24,626 --> 00:16:26,001 No shit, Patterson. 370 00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:28,418 No! 371 00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:29,709 My earbuds! 372 00:16:29,793 --> 00:16:31,918 I need to know how it ends! 373 00:16:32,001 --> 00:16:33,709 Mark, are you okay? 374 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:36,959 You were right, Bonnie. I can't-- I can't do this. 375 00:16:37,043 --> 00:16:40,251 Oh, honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't gonna finish. 376 00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:43,751 But you have shown me how strong you can be. 377 00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:45,043 Not strong enough. 378 00:16:45,626 --> 00:16:46,876 I failed the country. 379 00:16:47,418 --> 00:16:49,793 Mission… compromised. 380 00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:53,251 [gruffly] It may be compromised, but it's not over. 381 00:16:53,334 --> 00:16:57,126 I will see you at the finish line, Axel Sharp. 382 00:16:57,626 --> 00:16:59,251 -[chortling] -[dramatic music] 383 00:16:59,334 --> 00:17:03,251 Yeah! Hocus P.O.T.U.S., motherfudgers! 384 00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:04,168 [grunting] 385 00:17:07,709 --> 00:17:09,543 -Hello there. I was wondering-- -What the-- 386 00:17:09,626 --> 00:17:12,543 I don't know how you garbage stowaways got on my barge, 387 00:17:12,626 --> 00:17:15,709 but whatever you want, the answer's no. 388 00:17:15,793 --> 00:17:17,418 How about now? 389 00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,543 -Okay, who do you want murdered? -[tense music plays] 390 00:17:19,626 --> 00:17:22,501 We just need you to turn this river dumpster around 391 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,709 and help us get that keg right there. 392 00:17:26,584 --> 00:17:30,334 No prob. We got a net we use to fish out drunks on Saint Patrick's Day. 393 00:17:30,418 --> 00:17:32,376 I knew you looked familiar! 394 00:17:34,543 --> 00:17:36,168 That was your tattoo money. 395 00:17:36,251 --> 00:17:39,168 Eh, I'm gonna hold off on changin' my tat. 396 00:17:39,251 --> 00:17:40,834 -Really? -Yeah. 397 00:17:40,918 --> 00:17:44,418 You were right, kid. Feels like gettin' rid of part of my past. 398 00:17:44,501 --> 00:17:46,251 And I like where I ended up. 399 00:17:46,334 --> 00:17:48,293 I don't wanna forget how I got here. 400 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,668 I got the keg! 401 00:17:50,751 --> 00:17:53,626 Still got plenty of time to murder somebody! 402 00:17:53,709 --> 00:17:55,543 [barge horn honks] 403 00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:57,293 See ya on Saint Pat's! 404 00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:59,334 Have that net ready for me! 405 00:17:59,418 --> 00:18:01,418 There's so much river water in here. 406 00:18:01,501 --> 00:18:03,001 I can't give this to Koos. 407 00:18:03,084 --> 00:18:06,626 Chicago's got the cleanest river water in the whole country. 408 00:18:06,709 --> 00:18:08,709 But if you're worried about the taste… 409 00:18:10,626 --> 00:18:12,751 Now it's like a summer shandy. 410 00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:14,459 Let's hope he doesn't notice. 411 00:18:14,543 --> 00:18:16,626 -["Rhythm of the Night" playing] -Oh my God, DeBarge! 412 00:18:16,709 --> 00:18:19,001 I know! I can't believe we were on one! 413 00:18:19,084 --> 00:18:20,876 No, El DeBarge! 414 00:18:20,959 --> 00:18:23,584 He's playin' at the finish line. Let's go! 415 00:18:24,418 --> 00:18:25,668 ♪ …right there at your feet ♪ 416 00:18:25,751 --> 00:18:28,793 ♪ Well, I know a place Where we can dance the… ♪ 417 00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:30,959 [gruffly] Go, Axel. Run. 418 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,751 You can do it. 419 00:18:32,834 --> 00:18:34,543 You are strong. 420 00:18:35,043 --> 00:18:37,376 Go. Run. 421 00:18:37,876 --> 00:18:40,293 -Dad? -[weakly] Daniel. 422 00:18:41,793 --> 00:18:44,918 -Okay. I gotcha. Okay. -Keep going! 423 00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:47,168 -[Daniel] Oh, here we go. -Keep going! 424 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,959 [Mark moaning in pain] 425 00:18:49,043 --> 00:18:52,001 -Yeah… [mumbling] -We made it. 426 00:18:52,084 --> 00:18:54,959 ♪ Rhythm of the night, oh-oh ♪ 427 00:18:55,043 --> 00:18:57,834 They give you free beer just for running? 428 00:18:57,918 --> 00:19:00,584 Okay, marathons fuckin' rock! 429 00:19:01,251 --> 00:19:03,876 -Mark, you did it! -[Mark mumbles] 430 00:19:03,959 --> 00:19:05,543 It's Koos Groos! 431 00:19:05,626 --> 00:19:07,251 That's Loose Toots? 432 00:19:07,334 --> 00:19:11,293 26.2 miles with no sustenance. 433 00:19:11,376 --> 00:19:12,668 Now, all I need is my-- 434 00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:14,043 Our new Recoup Jus, 435 00:19:14,626 --> 00:19:18,959 designed to invigorate, restore and replenish. 436 00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:22,834 This tastes… different. 437 00:19:22,918 --> 00:19:24,876 -I added a couple-- -Fermentation. 438 00:19:24,959 --> 00:19:28,126 It fermented on our journey. Like kombucha. 439 00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:29,251 Genius. 440 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,126 The gut is the brain of the lower body. 441 00:19:32,209 --> 00:19:34,418 A happy gut is a happy butt. 442 00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:40,209 Your tree has blossomed and your sap runs strong, Little Maple. 443 00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:43,793 Behold, the future of health! 444 00:19:43,876 --> 00:19:46,459 I'm so proud of you, honey. 445 00:19:46,543 --> 00:19:49,209 Way to kick ass, Mark. Where are we partying? 446 00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:51,209 [weakly] Rosebud. 447 00:19:51,293 --> 00:19:53,751 I never actually made the reservation. 448 00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,584 Does he like pork butt? 449 00:19:55,668 --> 00:19:57,709 [indistinct muttering] 450 00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,876 -[woman] Okay, we got a man down. -Hey, thanks for everything today. 451 00:20:02,959 --> 00:20:05,209 I'll find a way to pay you back your tattoo money. 452 00:20:05,293 --> 00:20:06,543 Don't worry about it. 453 00:20:06,626 --> 00:20:09,543 If I ever decide to completely erase Kurt from my life, 454 00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:11,834 I'll just call that garbage barge captain. 455 00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:16,251 I'd like to thank you both for coming out to celebrate Mark. 456 00:20:16,334 --> 00:20:17,543 And to Diane, 457 00:20:17,626 --> 00:20:21,251 for having such an absurd amount of pork butt on hand. 458 00:20:21,334 --> 00:20:24,418 It was bought out of spite, but it was made with love. 459 00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:25,334 To Mark. 460 00:20:25,418 --> 00:20:28,668 The last time he finished this hard, we got Daniel! 461 00:20:28,751 --> 00:20:30,876 Diane! Come on! 462 00:20:30,959 --> 00:20:33,209 -To Dad! -[all except Mark] To Mark! 463 00:20:33,293 --> 00:20:35,126 ["Rhythm of the Night" playing] 464 00:20:35,209 --> 00:20:37,459 I love this song! Diane, come on! 465 00:20:37,543 --> 00:20:38,751 [Diane] Hell yeah! 466 00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:40,751 -[Diane laughing] -[Daniel] Yeah! 467 00:20:40,834 --> 00:20:43,918 [Seth Rogen] And as his fellow agents celebrated his victory, 468 00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:48,668 Axel realized that, while he felt alone in his mission, 469 00:20:48,751 --> 00:20:50,918 he never truly was. 470 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,834 [dramatic closing music playing]