[neon buzzing]
Hey, Diane!
What can I get my favorite meat lover today?
Hi, Tony. What's about to go bad?
We got ground chuck that's lookin' pretty gray.
Oof, gray meat, huh? Better play it safe.
Just give me five pounds.
Kurt Kosinski, as I live and wheeze.
Oh, Diane.
To what do I owe the honor?
Oh, I-- [chuckles]
I was just gettin' some pork butt for my chili here.
-[gasps] -[dramatic music plays]
You changed your matching tattoo
we got on our second honeymoon in Pensacola?
I can see you're upset,
but it's not fair to Heidi to see your name
every time she's shaving my back.
I'm not upset.
I'm just glad there's an actual tramp in your tramp stamp now.
Tony, gimme all the pork butt you got.
Diane, my chili. That's a low blow.
And that's the last low blow you'll ever get from me.
Take a good look at this beauty, 'cause the next time you see it,
it's gonna say "Diane and not Kurt"!
-Here's your pork butt, Diane. -[grunts]
Number 69.
[in strained voice] Nice!
[opening theme music playing]
[Daniel sighs] Okay.
Daniel! You're finally awake! I need your opinion.
Yes, quit smoking.
No, I was gonna ask about my old tat--
I can't, I'm running late for work.
-Have you been up all night? -Yeah.
I was researching tattoos to cover up an old embarrassing one.
You're getting rid of the Tasmanian Devil?
-No! -Calvin peeing on the Green Bay Packers?
Hell no!
This eyesore.
Kurt's moved on, and I gotta do the same.
Ugh, Aunt Diane, it's way too early for me to see your love handle.
There's no love left on this handle.
And until Kurt's name is off my body,
please refer to this area by its medical term,
fatty patty.
I probably won't refer to it at all.
Anyhoo,
I have an appointment downtown tomorrow morning to get it covered.
Wait, tomorrow's the marathon. It's gonna be a zoo down there.
Yeah, well, my tattoo guy's havin' a special.
Whatever I want for $275 cash.
Come on, Daniel.
I need a fellow cool, young person's opinion
on what would best highlight this bangin' bod.
-My work shirt! -My Kahlúa!
Now I'm gonna be late, and Koos Groos is going to be there.
[scoffs] The hell is Kroos Goos?
Koos Groos.
He's the CEO of Kreativ Jus and kind of an icon.
They say he can change his height through meditation.
Big deal. I can change my weight through defecation.
[laughs] Good one.
Pretty gross though.
Thought you got away, didn't ya?
Tomorrow, I, Koos Groos, will run the marathon
without the help of water, shoes, or conventional training.
When I finish,
I will drink our new Recoup Jus from this hose
and be reborn anew.
Now go forth and make juice!
[Daniel panting]
Ah, a latecomer.
Tardiness is a manifestation of an imbalance in the soul.
That's what I've been saying.
But there is so much untapped potential in this little head,
like a beautiful maple tree waiting to spill its sweet sap.
I'm so sorry I'm late, Mr. Groos.
Oh please.
Mr. Groos is the man that found me in the woods and raised me.
Call me Koos.
Oh. Okay, Koos.
Redemption awaits you, Little Maple.
I choose you to nourish me at the finish line.
It would be my honor.
Mwah.
Daniel, this is huge.
The last employee who fed Koos Groos juice is now the CFO.
You cannot be late tomorrow.
Absolutely. This is such an honor.
I do feel I haven't been living up to my full potential--
That's great.
Speaking of which, someone unloaded their full potential into the toilet,
and we open in ten minutes.
I'm feeling good, Bon.
I'm feeling I'm gonna make it past the halfway point this year.
In fact, I think I might finish the whole dang marathon.
That's great, hon. But just in case, I'm packing your resuscitation kit.
And I'll have this participation medal waiting for you at mile 13.
No need. I've gotten rid of all the things that have held me back in the past,
like my running club--
I don't think it was fair that the Jog Fathers kicked you out
for running at your own pace.
It was mutual.
Plus, I got this new protein goo that doesn't cause tummy troubles.
Good for you.
Just in case, I'll still bring your emergency undies.
And to take my mind off the pain,
new James Patterson audiobook, read by Seth Rogen.
[Bonnie reading summary out loud]
-Hmm. -Patterson's done it again.
I can already taste my victory chicken piccata at Rosebud.
-No capers. Hold the sauce. -[phone ringing]
-[indistinct chatter] -Rachel, hi.
I'm gonna stretch before my muscles stiffen up.
Your essential oils party starts at 10:00 a.m.?
Oh, can't forget to hydrate.
Mark usually poops out halfway through,
so put me down as a yes.
[sighs dejectedly]
So far, my front-runner's a Chicago Bear
with the head of a Bull and the wings of a Blackhawk.
-Is that too classy for a tattoo? -Yeah, sure.
The black XL, that's too much.
Daniel, stop looking at porn and help me figure this out.
It's not porn. I'm scheduling my Uber for tomorrow morning.
I'm not taking any chances with the marathon traffic.
Just ride with me.
My tattoo appointment's near the finish line. Cancel!
I can get you downtown faster than anyone.
I know this city like the back of my fatty patty.
Aunt Diane, no. I cannot be late.
The CEO chose me. He said I was his Little Maple.
Okay, I don't know what's goin' on over there,
but fine, I'll just have this minor surgery all by myself.
If I bleed out on the way home,
maybe someone will roll me under an awning
so I don't get rained on.
But go ahead, order your Yoober.
Kurt's moved on. Looks like you have too.
Oh my God. Fine, I'll go with you.
Perfect!
We're gonna be responsible and go to bed.
Okay, off to bed.
[pop top opening]
No beer. We have to get up early.
You got it. NyQuil it is.
-[door closes] -Ugh.
[alarm buzzes]
[dramatic rock music playing]
[alarm buzzes]
[crowd cheering]
[music fades]
[Diane slurping]
Yuck! Tastes like a front yard.
Let's grab some rum to even her out.
Stop drinking the product.
And no stops. We're heading straight downtown.
No!
They gave me a boot for one parking ticket?
Damn it!
Ugh, now there are no Ubers available because of the marathon.
This is exactly why I wanted to schedule a pickup last night.
-Don't worry, I'll just call a cab. -They're all full already.
Watch and learn, sweetie.
Hey, watch where you're goin'!
Sorry, I didn't see ya on account of me being so pregnant
with twins.
Oh my God, are you okay?
I'm just trying to get to the hospital.
That's my doctor over there.
She could pop at any second.
Take my cab.
At your age, pregnancy's already risky enough.
Fuck you.
I mean, thank you, kind sir.
My babies!
Make like a porn star with no lube and burn rubbers!
Hey!
[laughing]
I shoulda been an actor.
Google Maps is saying it's an hour to downtown if we take Lake Shore.
Bullshit. Turn left here.
Left? That's the opposite direction of where we're going.
Daniel, do you know why they call me the queen of the shortcut?
Because it's the easiest haircut to give?
Okay, I guess there's two reasons.
You gotta trust me if you wanna get downtown
to feed your juice to Mr. Booze Cruise.
It's Koos Groos.
Ugh. Traffic isn't lookin' any better up this way.
I know a little alley up ahead.
Kurt and I used to stop and bang there
on our way home from Montrose Beach.
It was a good way to get the sand out of our cracks.
You can't smoke back there.
Oops. Sorry, sweetie.
Those alley sex memories got me all hot and bothered.
Ah! My tax receipts!
-Don't worry, I got it! -Look out!
[brakes screech]
-Get out! -Oh come on.
I've squirted way worse things in a taxi.
Get out!
[Diane panting]
Come on!
That was epic!
Can you move faster, please?
Top five cab kick-outs ever.
Number one's gotta be when the Blackhawks won the cup,
and Kurt was so excited, he pulled a surf and turf.
Please do not explain.
That's when you surf on the roof of a car with your meat hangin' out.
One of the best nights of my life.
Ah, thank Christ!
Diane Dunbrowski.
You got a lotta nerve trying to get on my bus
while you still owe me money.
[Diane] You owe me money, Randy.
That's how multi-level marketing works!
How many scams do you do?
Ah, the bus would've been stuck in traffic anyway.
The train's the only way to go.
High-fiber protein biscuit?
I'm all good. Thanks!
[Seth Rogen] The garish showboating of lesser FBI agents
always got them killed, but Axel knew how to lay low.
He was a lone wolf
on his own.
I am a lone wolf. I'm on my own.
-Watch it! -Excuse me!
[Diane] See--
See--
That was--
That wasn't--
That wasn't so--
That wasn't so bad.
Okay, we gotta hurry. We're not great on time.
Aunt Diane?
-Three devil dawgs and one fry. -Hey, we don't have time for this!
Fine. Okay, one devil dawg and three fries.
I'm getting on that train with or without you.
Excuse me, juice emergency.
-What? Oh no! -Daniel--
[both grunting]
Five-second rule!
Not on public transportation.
[conductor] Attention!
This train is being rerouted.
Next stop, Midway Airport.
-Ah, shit! -No!
Water is for the weak!
Water! I need water!
Oh sorry, we're all out. Oh God.
Congratulations, honey! You did it!
No, I'm not done.
Oh, Mark, I think you're a little dehydrated.
It's okay if you need to quit.
I bet you'd like that!
What? Mark, you're done. Look how much your nipples are bleeding.
Everything's bleeding!
You can go to your essential oil party if you want.
But the only place this lone wolf's going to is the finish line.
I'm cranking this shit to 1.5 speed.
Let's do this, Seth Rogen!
The garish showboating of lesser FBI agents always got them killed,
but Axel knew how to lay low.
He was a lone wolf on his own.
[Daniel] We're, like, twice as far away on the completely opposite side of town.
Also, how is no one stopping us? This is insane!
It's perfect.
We'll borrow Mikey's LeBaron and slip in the back way
faster than a couple of Catholic teens on prom night.
-Hi, baby! -Ma, what are you two doin' here?
We're heading downtown 'cause I have to work,
and she's getting a new ta--
…ampon.
Uh, old gal's still got the flow.
No, no, yucky, Ma, yucky! I don't wanna think about that!
We need the keys to your car, Mikey.
Um, well, Dad has it this weekend.
Damn it.
Where the hell is Kurt goin' that he needs a car?
He went to Milwaukee with Heidi.
They went to Cheddar Fest?
No, they're at Cheese Days.
Well, I hope Heidi enjoys the car ride back with Kurt
after he's been pounding provolone for two days.
Sorry, Ma. I wish I could be more helpful.
Oh, you're perfect, my sweet angel.
[grunts] Frickin' X Games are this week.
Wait, X Games… I have an idea.
I'm thinkin' the same thing. We hijack one of these planes.
What? No!
Fine, let's do your thing.
Good call, Daniel.
We're like a couple of Tony Hawks.
Hey, why didn't you tell Mikey about your tattoo back there?
You've been talking about it nonstop.
Well, he's sensitive.
And it's not just a tattoo to Mikey,
it's also that he's getting older, and me and his dad is all he knows.
And now he's scared he blew it,
and he's never gonna have a dad that good again.
Are we still talking about Mikey?
Keep your eyes on the road.
[Daniel] Do we take Wacker or Lower Wacker?
Neither! We're takin' Lowest Wacker!
[Daniel exclaiming]
[Seth Rogan] The people he thought were his allies
had actually been his saboteurs.
[inhaling bong hit] Whoa, this is getting good. [exhales]
Axel saw them gathering to conspire against him,
but this time, he's beating them to the punch.
But this time, he's beating them to the punch!
[Mark moaning, groaning]
[Diane and Daniel yelling]
[Daniel panting]
That was terrifying!
That was awesome!
Oh my God, there it is!
The Shortcut Queen does it again!
[alarm ringing]
No! We're so close!
What are you doing? We can make it!
Are you crazy?
These bridges are like gas station Viagra.
You have four or five minutes before it actually goes up.
[both grunting]
-[laughing] -Diane, let go.
You need to trust me!
I did, and look where it got me!
-[Daniel] Holy shit! -[Diane] This fuckin' rocks!
[bell tolls]
-[gulls cawing] -[Daniel grunting]
You know what they say.
One man's trash is another--
Oh, these are all diapers.
[man] Okay, Jog Fathers on three.
-[Seth] Axel's enemies were in formation. -[all] Jog Fathers!
It was now or never.
Not this time, Jog Fathers!
[distorted yelling]
-[thud] -[Mark] Ow!
Oh my God! [moaning in pain]
Okay, take another one.
-[barge horn blows] -[Daniel groans]
That was epic!
Top five bridge fall-offs of all time!
-Once, Kurt and I-- -Enough!
I can't take another story about you and Kurt.
Wait. Oh my God.
You didn't even want to get downtown, did you?
You didn't want to get rid of that tattoo.
That is not accurate.
You knew how important this day was to me,
but it's just been a fun walk down memory lane for you.
And now we're literally on a floating heap of soiled diapers,
and we've lost the juice, which was my one responsibility.
I blew off college, I'm not doing anything with my art,
and this job is all I have!
And I can't even do this right.
I failed Koos Groos.
It's over.
The hell it is.
It's not over till the hot lady sings.
[Seth Rogen] Things were tense.
No shit, Patterson.
No!
My earbuds!
I need to know how it ends!
Mark, are you okay?
You were right, Bonnie. I can't-- I can't do this.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't gonna finish.
But you have shown me how strong you can be.
Not strong enough.
I failed the country.
Mission… compromised.
[gruffly] It may be compromised, but it's not over.
I will see you at the finish line, Axel Sharp.
-[chortling] -[dramatic music]
Yeah! Hocus P.O.T.U.S., motherfudgers!
[grunting]
-Hello there. I was wondering-- -What the--
I don't know how you garbage stowaways got on my barge,
but whatever you want, the answer's no.
How about now?
-Okay, who do you want murdered? -[tense music plays]
We just need you to turn this river dumpster around
and help us get that keg right there.
No prob. We got a net we use to fish out drunks on Saint Patrick's Day.
I knew you looked familiar!
That was your tattoo money.
Eh, I'm gonna hold off on changin' my tat.
-Really? -Yeah.
You were right, kid. Feels like gettin' rid of part of my past.
And I like where I ended up.
I don't wanna forget how I got here.
I got the keg!
Still got plenty of time to murder somebody!
[barge horn honks]
See ya on Saint Pat's!
Have that net ready for me!
There's so much river water in here.
I can't give this to Koos.
Chicago's got the cleanest river water in the whole country.
But if you're worried about the taste…
Now it's like a summer shandy.
Let's hope he doesn't notice.
-["Rhythm of the Night" playing] -Oh my God, DeBarge!
I know! I can't believe we were on one!
No, El DeBarge!
He's playin' at the finish line. Let's go!
♪ …right there at your feet ♪
♪ Well, I know a place Where we can dance the… ♪
[gruffly] Go, Axel. Run.
You can do it.
You are strong.
Go. Run.
-Dad? -[weakly] Daniel.
-Okay. I gotcha. Okay. -Keep going!
-[Daniel] Oh, here we go. -Keep going!
[Mark moaning in pain]
-Yeah… [mumbling] -We made it.
♪ Rhythm of the night, oh-oh ♪
They give you free beer just for running?
Okay, marathons fuckin' rock!
-Mark, you did it! -[Mark mumbles]
It's Koos Groos!
That's Loose Toots?
26.2 miles with no sustenance.
Now, all I need is my--
Our new Recoup Jus,
designed to invigorate, restore and replenish.
This tastes… different.
-I added a couple-- -Fermentation.
It fermented on our journey. Like kombucha.
Genius.
The gut is the brain of the lower body.
A happy gut is a happy butt.
Your tree has blossomed and your sap runs strong, Little Maple.
Behold, the future of health!
I'm so proud of you, honey.
Way to kick ass, Mark. Where are we partying?
[weakly] Rosebud.
I never actually made the reservation.
Does he like pork butt?
[indistinct muttering]
-[woman] Okay, we got a man down. -Hey, thanks for everything today.
I'll find a way to pay you back your tattoo money.
Don't worry about it.
If I ever decide to completely erase Kurt from my life,
I'll just call that garbage barge captain.
I'd like to thank you both for coming out to celebrate Mark.
And to Diane,
for having such an absurd amount of pork butt on hand.
It was bought out of spite, but it was made with love.
To Mark.
The last time he finished this hard, we got Daniel!
Diane! Come on!
-To Dad! -[all except Mark] To Mark!
["Rhythm of the Night" playing]
I love this song! Diane, come on!
[Diane] Hell yeah!
-[Diane laughing] -[Daniel] Yeah!
[Seth Rogen] And as his fellow agents celebrated his victory,
Axel realized that, while he felt alone in his mission,
he never truly was.
[dramatic closing music playing]