[neon buzzing]
[crowd chattering]
[Diane] Nothin' brings Chicago together like these two words,
"tail" and "gate."
We come from all over to drink beer, eat pork,
and sometimes literally pork,
all to celebrate our love of the Chicago Bears.
And my family's been doin' it for decades.
Aw, there's my parents, Louis and Margaret, aka Big Lou and Peg.
Oh, there's me and Bonnie!
Damn, we were hot.
-I had the ass. Bonnie had the rack. -Yeah!
My folks ran a legendary tailgate.
Everyone knew if they came to Lou and Peg's spot,
they were gonna have fun.
But like most Chicagoans of a certain age, lifestyle, and diet,
Big Lou and Peg moved to Arizona a few years ago.
You know, for the dry heat.
But now they're back to watch our beloved Bears
play our most bitterest rival,
the Green Bay Packers.
And we're gonna show Ma and Dad the family tailgate is in good hands.
So…
[Diane imitating football fanfare]
[Diane wheezing] It's the football song. You get it.
Okay, Dad said they'd be in their Bears home jerseys.
Standard issue or Salute the Troops?
I don't know.
Oh, there they are.
-[man 1] Whoa! Slow down! -[man 2] Hey!
-Mom! Dad! -Bonnie! Diane!
So good to see ya, Mom.
Dad, why are you in a wheelchair?
-Ah, we've been doing this lately. -One of the perks of gettin' older.
Why'd you guys bring so many bags?
We were cleanin' and wanted you to have your old photos and knickknacks and--
Yeah, our old stuff. Let's go! We got a tailgate to get to!
Mom, Dad, welcome back to the motherland.
-Now, let's fuckin' rock! -Down!
-[Peg] Too loud! -[Lou] Way down!
[indistinct chatter]
[grunting]
-Di, let me help you with that. -I got it, I got it.
Why don't you make yourself useful and explain football to Mark?
Mark, you want a beer?
Oh yeah.
Do you have an Allagash Autumn Apricot?
-It's a Natural Light. -Sure. It's natural, right?
Ew! Not this one.
Can you believe it, little cousin?
Someday, this is all gonna be ours.
Oh, you can have it.
I'm not really into eating in parking lots.
Really? I've had all my best meals in parking lots.
Daniel, get your Paw-Paw a 7 and 7.
Yeah, I'll get your drink, Paw-Paw.
I'm freezing.
I told you to layer.
So, when are we gonna tell the girls?
Later. Just relax. Try to have fun.
This is our last one of these all together.
[foreboding music plays]
What the hell?
Hey, encroachment! Keep your bags out of our tailgate!
Oh, is that what that is?
I thought it was a mobile soup kitchen.
Oh, are we gonna start already?
I heard your older son got caught watching porn at the public library.
It was soft porn.
And do you really wanna talk about sons?
The way he's built, the kid shouldn't even be able to walk.
My Mikey has the strongest calves in Cook County.
It was in the Trib.
-Come on, Dunbrowski. -Mary Pat. She's not worth it.
-Come on back. -That's right. Walk away!
Stop yelling.
This isn't Russia.
Those Wycheks think their shit don't stink
just because they're the horseradish kings of Chicago.
Who cares?
Listen! Dad is dying.
Right now?
No. I mean-- I don't know. He is sick.
How do you know?
Think about it.
The wheelchair, giving us our old stuff back…
And now he's freezing cold,
and I heard Ma say that this is their last tailgate.
Whoa. This sucks.
I know.
-We should go talk to them. -No.
If this is Dad's last tailgate,
the last thing they'd want is for us to ruin it.
I can't act like nothing's happening.
Sure, you can.
Remember when we were kids and Dad was unemployed for six months?
-What? No. -Exactly.
So let's return the favor and shove our feelings down and start drinking.
For Dad.
I've always been in charge of grillin' the burgers.
-Cool. -Oh, it is.
You gotta make sure they stay evenly spaced
and none of them slip off the grill.
Sounds great.
Hey, you wanna take a turn?
No, seems like you're in the zone.
I'm gonna go see what they're burning in that garbage can.
Wrong pipe. [coughs]
Dad, I made you your favorite, a BLT.
Bacon, lamb, and turkey.
Oh, thank you, honey.
My sammich!
What do you think you're doing?
I'm trying to get him to enjoy what could be his last meal.
It will be if he eats this shit.
[dog sniffs, whimpers]
That sammich was on a $5 roll! Way to go, dumbass!
What the hell is goin' on over here?
-Nothing. -We know you're dying.
-What? -What in God's name are you talkin' about?
You don't have to hide it anymore. We know.
-Know what? -Oh, come on.
The wheelchair, the heirlooms… And now you're coughing.
And I heard Mom say this was gonna be your last tailgate.
Okay, first of all, I am not dying.
But this is our last tailgate.
We're just selling our passes to the Wycheks over there.
Are you fucking kidding me?
-Would you relax? No one's dying. -This is worse.
Why the hell are you selling it?
Your mother and I are separating,
and we need the money so she can get her own place. Alright?
Why the hell are you two getting divorced?
We are not getting divorced. We are separating.
Everyone, back the fuck up!
You're selling our tailgate to the Wycheks?
Look, we don't have a lot of cash, but we deserve to live the way we want to.
Nobody lives the way they want to. You two are so selfish.
-Bonnie's right. -Diane's right. I am right.
That's right.
Bonnie, wanna hit the Jäger luge a few tailgates over?
Yes, I do. I want to do that.
Yikes. Even for this family, that was awkward.
Yeah, that was tense.
Oh, now I really have to pee.
[Mark] Look at the line. And once you get in,
there's just a thin plastic door between you and all those people
waiting for you to…
number one.
Yeah, I gotta take a squirt too.
Come on, I'll take you to the special first responders' bathroom
inside the stadium.
Uh, is TSA a first responder?
If there's a fight at Hudson News, who do you think gets there first?
[crowd cheering, chattering loudly]
How could they do this?
When you're old, that's when you need to be married,
so you can take care of and quietly resent each other.
And to sell it to the Wycheks of all people.
Fuck them and the horseradish they rode in on.
I mean, what are Mom and Dad thinking?
Had they even thought about how this affects us?
Clearly not. Here.
[both] Ugh.
When I go visit them now, what?
What, do I stay with her and then him?
And where am I gonna tailgate now?
Lot G like a goddamn animal?
We should march right up to that Old Man Wychek
and tell him that the deal is off.
Yeah, right, Bon. That's enemy territory.
I seen Mary Pat open a beer once with her eye.
-We don't wanna fight them. -No fighting.
We walk in, we reason with the old man
that Mom and Dad aren't thinking straight, and the deal's dead.
And then they can't sell the tailgate pass,
Mom can't move out,
and they can have some time to fucking rethink
this stupid fucking separation.
Oh man. The word "fuck" is so good.
Fuck! Fucker!
Shout it from the rooftops, Bonnie! I'm in!
I'm starving. The beer is stale. I'm hungry.
Let's just leave at halftime.
[Mikey] Man, this sucks.
Our moms usually take care of the hosting.
And now, Paw-Paw and Mu-Mu's last tailgate together
is gonna be their worst one.
You're right. I don't care about this whole tailgate thing,
but I can't see Mu-Mu and Paw-Paw like this.
-[flame whooshes] -Is something burning?
-Ah, damn it! I took my eyes off it! -It's okay. I'll find something to grill.
Aunt Diane has taught me how to cook most animals.
-You handle drinks and entertainment. -You got it, cuz.
I got a secret weapon in my mom's trunk.
Great.
It's not an actual weapon, right?
In my hands, it is.
[crowd cheering]
This bathroom is a lifesaver.
I've taken some grade A leaks in here.
Great, because I am ready to burst.
The best part is there's never a line.
Goddamn it!
Bon, I don't see how we even make it to Old Man Wychek.
How do we get past his junkyard daughters?
It's gonna work. Here's how.
First, we gotta get through Mary Pat.
She's been smokin' since she was nine.
Can't turn 'em down.
[Mary Pat] Were those smokes?
Then we gotta get past Connie.
[Diane] Her and her fuckin' chili.
[Bonnie] Exactly.
What are you two doin' here?
We thought you should know that the Baginski family down the way
said their chili was voted best at the tailgate.
That's horseshit. They use tomato soup instead of tomato sauce.
Watery, weak-ass chili.
The last sister we gotta get past is Eileen.
She loves her booze.
[burps]
Yeah, she's got a real ploblem.
Especially when it comes to Rumple Minze.
That's right! Aerosmith, Tinley Park, '88!
You and her had that shot contest.
-You smoked her ass. -Hell yeah, I did.
Then you flashed the security guard to get us backstage.
Hell yeah, I did! Too bad we don't have any Rumple Minze right now.
Stand by.
That was fast.
I marinate my ribs in it.
Well, if it isn't "Come On Eileen."
[laughs mockingly] So funny.
You know, that song is, like, 40 years old.
It's a song?
[laughs] Up top.
What do you two scumbags want?
Oh, nothin'.
We just found this bottle of Rumple Minze
and were reminiscing about how I whipped your ass back in '88.
Total domination.
You wanna have a little rematch, or are you too chickenshit?
Bonnie, I told you, there is no way she's doin' it.
The Wycheks can't handle what we're puttin' down.
-Never could. -Let's go.
Hey.
-["Back in the Saddle" plays] -Open the Rumple Minze.
♪ Ridin' into town alone By the light of the moon ♪
[crowd clamoring]
[man] They're goin' for it!
Yeah!
Bottoms up!
♪ Barkeep gimme a drink That's when she caught my eye ♪
Uh-uh!
[crowd cheering]
[groans]
-[man] Yeah! -[crowd cheers, laughs]
Now it's time for Old Man Wychek.
[Diane] The horseradish king of Chicago.
[plucking strings quietly]
That was "Rotting in Vain" by Korn.
Can you play somethin', I don't know, older?
Absolutely.
This one is from Korn's first album.
Be nice, Lou. He's come a long way.
Mu-Mu, Paw-Paw, who's hungry?
What happened?
Oh, the sausages burst on the grill,
and I couldn't find the hotdog buns, so I just put it in a whole wheat pita.
-Whosa whosa whatsit? -Oh, settle down, Lou.
It looks delicious, sweetheart.
[weakly] Mmm. Yum.
I knew you guys would like it.
So, uh, Mark, does, uh, Diane ever ask about me?
Not that I know of.
-'Cause in past breakups, she's-- -Yeah, Kurt, I'm sorry. What is that?
What, you never seen a piss trough before?
So we all go number one next to each other with no barrier?
Uh, yeah. Is that a problem?
Nope.
[dramatic music plays]
[muffled barking]
[barking]
[man] That's absolutely right, Jim.
In fact, I'd say this year,
has been downright anemic these last four weeks, you know?
The list of failures just keeps pi--
Well, if it isn't the Dunbrowski sisters.
Uh-- Uh-oh. Stop.
How can I help yous twos?
Look, we know our folks sold you our tailgate pass,
but they didn't consult with the whole family.
And you of all people know how important family is, Mr. Wychek.
Nothing is more important than family.
Mr. Wychek, we're begging you, please don't take this from us.
[chews, swallows] Mmm.
You got yourselves a deal.
Whoa. That was easier than his oldest daughter.
Under one condition.
You must best me in a game
of the most classic tailgate activity there is.
Bags.
[Bonnie] Wow, it's beautiful.
Holy balls.
The bags are made from the velvet of my daughters' christening dresses.
Bon, we can take him. He's, like, 90.
This will be easier than his oldest daughter.
You already used that one.
Mr. Wychek, you're on.
I would say ladies first, but I don't see any ladies present.
-[Bonnie] Frickin' jagbag. -[Diane] What a prick.
["The Spirit of Radio" playing]
Yes!
Beat that, Dunbrowskis.
[grunting]
Nailed it!
In the hole!
All right!
Okay, you got this. [grunts]
-Yes! I made it. -That's the way!
You should take the last throw, Di.
No. We'll do it together.
-[music stops] -[gasping]
Okay, maybe that was a bad idea.
Let's just say the deal stands.
And once we take over your space,
the Wychek family will have the greatest tailgate in Chicago.
Yeah. So why don't you two head back to your little lemonade stand over there?
Ha, yeah!
Head back to the 'burbs, Bonnie.
Go do a yogurt cleanse or some shit.
Sorry your last tailgate was a bust, Diane, just like your life.
Okay, it's poundin' time.
No, it's not worth it. Come on.
And tell your broke-ass parents
that the Wycheks said thanks for the tailgatin' spot--
Quit talking shit about our goddamn family.
Oh hell yeah!
-What do we do now? -Run!
Get 'em!
[Diane and Bonnie panting]
There they are!
I can't believe you hit her!
No one calls my sister a washed-up, pathetic, drunk loser except me.
I don't think she said all that.
Wait, we can hide in here.
But we don't got tickets.
I got two. Ha!
-Aerosmith, '88, Tinley Park! -["Back in the Saddle" playing]
♪ Back in the saddle again ♪
They went this way!
-After them! -Out of my way!
[grunting]
I got a code 34C on my hands!
All hands on deck!
Bon, that was epic!
I haven't seen you this fired up since Martha Stewart got out of jail.
By the way, after all these years, your yabbos are still perfect.
Oh, shit! Security!
-Come on! -[man] They're heading to the Skybox.
♪ …shots tonight I'm like a loaded gun ♪
I lost 'em.
Bon, we're trapped,
and we don't have access to the Skybox.
What are we gonna do?
Sorry to intrude there, but I heard you're in a bit of a pickle.
-You gals wanna join us in our box? -Yes. Thank you.
[laughs] Box.
[people] Go, Pack, go!
Oh hi, ladies.
-Welcome. -Oh, some more ladies. Thank the Lord.
-Disgusting Packer fans. -Fuckin' Packer fans.
I can't do this! I'm pee-shy to begin with.
I need a stall or at least some kind of divider.
You'll be fine.
They put ice in there. I like to see how much I can melt.
Bobby! How ya doin', ya son of a bitch?
Teddy, you bastard. Go Bears!
Uh…
Hey there. Let's get a photo to remember another Packer victory.
Okay, there, now we're ready. Say "Brett Favre" on three.
-One, two… -Brett Favre!
Fuck this!
I'd rather be on death row
than spend another second in here with you people!
She's not usually like this. I mean, she is. Thank you.
Fuck Green Bay!
-Shit! Yellow jackets everywhere! -[usher] Get 'em!
-[intense music playing] -Bon, I can't keep this up much longer.
My lungs are real hot.
-There they are! -We're gonna get ya!
Hey.
There. Follow me.
[Wychek Sisters grunt]
[grunts] Hell yeah!
Turn right. I know this place inside out.
[Diane] Ah, shit. My bad.
[announcer] There's a cart on the field that looks like it is being driven
by two drunk women.
This one here looks real familiar.
-Holy shit! -I know. I'm almost there. It's happening.
-We gotta go! -No, no, no!
I'm so hammered!
We're gonna live forever!
[Diane laughing]
[crowd groans]
[cheering]
Bonnie, we're fuckin' legends--
-[Taser crackling] -[Diane and Bonnie groaning]
[moan]
Mikey, you think we're gonna get the game on or what?
Sorry, Mu-Mu.
Daniel went to go find somethin' to fix the TV.
Fix it with what? Whole wheat pita?
Oh, quiet, Lou.
I got it! I got an extension cord!
It was free if I signed up for a Bears Visa.
38% APR, but it's worth it.
-All right! Let's go, Bears! -Great job, kids!
-Mom? -Ma?
-Oh, the girls! -Goddamn it! Let's go!
…included the exciting addition of a stolen injury cart.
They had it comin'.
Oh!
Help! I put too much prime rib in the smoker!
-It's crushing me! -Oh my God!
Come on, Daniel!
[dramatic music playing]
[Daniel] Lift!
[straining]
Use those award-winning calves!
[crying in pain]
Are you okay?
Horseradish. I need horseradish.
[Bonnie] Ugh.
I'm still drunk but already hungover.
Bon, I gotta tell ya,
it's been a long time since I seen this side of you,
and I love it.
I guess the Mom and Dad thing really threw me for a loop.
Yeah, me too.
You know, this whole time I was sayin' I was mad about us losin' the tailgate.
I actually think I was really upset about Mom and Dad splittin' up.
Uh, yeah, no shit.
[both chuckle]
But it's gonna be fine.
They'll still be our parents, and they'll still always love us.
-[door opens] -You degenerates!
What is wrong with you two?
For crying out loud!
You're a hundred years old between the both of ya!
And to do this to your poor father at his last tailgate?
And did you ever stop and think
how getting drunk and arrested would make your dear mother feel?
-Sorry. -Sorry.
-Are those new pants? -I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, if this was our family's last tailgate, it's one for the books.
[Old Man Wychek] Daniel, good one.
[Diane] Why are Mikey and Daniel hangin' with the Wycheks?
I think I'm hallucinating from that Taser.
[Wycheks laughing]
What the hell happened here?
I guess you could say I was "trapped" under a smoker
and a "large man-boy," and his "small cousin" saved my life.
That's exactly what happened.
Does this mean you're not gonna buy our tailgate?
Nah, I still am.
But the Dunbrowski family will always have a lawn chair
at the Wychek tailgate.
Free beer and I don't gotta haul our shit here at 6:00 a.m.?
Other people's tailgates frickin' rock!
[announcer] And the Bears lose another to the Packers, 64-3.
-[tailgaters grumble] -[Diane] Son of a bitch.
[closing theme music plays]