1
00:00:06,543 --> 00:00:07,751
[neon buzzing]

2
00:00:11,876 --> 00:00:14,001
[Diane] Nothin' says summer in Chicago

3
00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:17,126
like a bunch of sunburned drunk people
eatin' meat outside,

4
00:00:17,709 --> 00:00:19,626
aka Ribfest.

5
00:00:20,376 --> 00:00:23,293
It's the one time of year
I'm not the only saucy bitch

6
00:00:23,376 --> 00:00:24,918
with a succulent rack.

7
00:00:25,584 --> 00:00:27,834
Mission a-crap-lished! [laughs]

8
00:00:27,918 --> 00:00:31,001
Ah, apologies for what
you're about to experience.

9
00:00:31,084 --> 00:00:33,418
Can't exactly
courtesy flush in there, ya know?

10
00:00:33,918 --> 00:00:35,626
This isn't an all-day thing, right?

11
00:00:35,709 --> 00:00:38,126
I need to get to work by noon
for the pre-shift hive meeting.

12
00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:41,043
No problem.
By noon, it's all lips and assholes,

13
00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:43,251
and I'm not just talkin' about the pork.

14
00:00:43,334 --> 00:00:44,876
Let's see…

15
00:00:44,959 --> 00:00:46,876
Eight tickets gets you one rack,

16
00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:49,501
so 200 tickets, please.

17
00:00:49,584 --> 00:00:52,126
So, with the senior discount, it's $78.

18
00:00:52,209 --> 00:00:54,918
Oh, I'm not a senior. I already graduated.

19
00:00:55,001 --> 00:00:58,626
No, I was talking to you.
I gave you the senior discount.

20
00:00:58,709 --> 00:01:02,168
I usually don't ask men this,
but come again?

21
00:01:02,251 --> 00:01:04,251
Lady, you're old.

22
00:01:04,334 --> 00:01:09,251
[psychedelic '70s music plays]

23
00:01:09,334 --> 00:01:11,376
[intro theme music plays]

24
00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:19,168
I can't believe this.

25
00:01:19,251 --> 00:01:20,626
I'm fine bein' a MILF,

26
00:01:20,709 --> 00:01:22,543
but I'm not ready to be a GILF.

27
00:01:22,626 --> 00:01:24,501
-Do I look that old?
-[man whistling]

28
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,168
Hey, hey, hey!

29
00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:28,251
Oh, thank freakin' God.

30
00:01:28,334 --> 00:01:29,876
Let it out, boys!

31
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:32,918
-Hey, kid. That pavement is uneven.
-Be careful with that old woman.

32
00:01:33,001 --> 00:01:33,834
What?!

33
00:01:33,918 --> 00:01:35,459
Nothin', honey.

34
00:01:35,543 --> 00:01:38,043
Enjoy every moment with this one.

35
00:01:38,126 --> 00:01:40,126
I wish my bubbe was still around.

36
00:01:40,209 --> 00:01:42,501
-Let's get you home.
-[Diane fumes]

37
00:01:45,209 --> 00:01:46,584
[groans]

38
00:01:46,668 --> 00:01:49,501
Jesus, maybe I did lose my fastball.

39
00:01:49,584 --> 00:01:53,501
Don't listen to those guys.
You're clearly not a senior citizen.

40
00:01:53,584 --> 00:01:55,251
I know, but it doesn't help

41
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:58,251
that I'm always hangin' around
a smooth-skinned angel like you.

42
00:01:58,334 --> 00:02:00,376
You make me look like damn Judi Dench.

43
00:02:00,459 --> 00:02:02,459
Dame Judi Dench is a queen.

44
00:02:02,543 --> 00:02:03,668
And so are you.

45
00:02:03,751 --> 00:02:06,709
You're basically in your prime,
and you're single now.

46
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:09,043
You're right! I am single!

47
00:02:09,126 --> 00:02:12,876
Oh, you know what would cheer me up?
Some good, old-fashioned BD.

48
00:02:12,959 --> 00:02:16,834
I already regret asking this,
but what is BD?

49
00:02:16,918 --> 00:02:18,918
Bar dick. It's like bar coke.

50
00:02:19,001 --> 00:02:21,584
Low-quality, you're not sure
what you're puttin' up there,

51
00:02:21,668 --> 00:02:23,584
but it gets the job done.

52
00:02:23,668 --> 00:02:24,751
Good advice, sweetie.

53
00:02:24,834 --> 00:02:26,876
That was your own advice.

54
00:02:26,959 --> 00:02:29,584
Here, take this sack of ribs
for lunch and dinner,

55
00:02:29,668 --> 00:02:31,668
'cause I ain't comin' home tonight.

56
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:32,709
[wet squelch]

57
00:02:33,293 --> 00:02:34,626
I'll go change.

58
00:02:34,709 --> 00:02:36,709
♪ Bar dick, bar dick, gonna get laid ♪

59
00:02:36,793 --> 00:02:39,251
Let's fuckin' party!

60
00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:40,168
What the--

61
00:02:40,251 --> 00:02:43,709
Where are all the hotties?
I came looking for a one-day stand.

62
00:02:43,793 --> 00:02:46,251
We're always dead during Ribfest.

63
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,168
Shit.

64
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,126
All right, Malört bomb for the road.

65
00:02:49,209 --> 00:02:50,543
Larry, you want one?

66
00:02:50,626 --> 00:02:51,501
[blubbers]

67
00:02:51,584 --> 00:02:54,543
Oh, you switched to beer?
Good for you, Lar.

68
00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:58,501
Here's to stayin' positive
and testin' negative.

69
00:03:01,168 --> 00:03:03,793
All right, I'm out. Bye, Larry.

70
00:03:03,876 --> 00:03:04,918
[blubbering]

71
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:08,293
Oh, wow. Well, I'm very flattered, Lar.

72
00:03:10,376 --> 00:03:13,543
I'm looking to be present
and view each interaction

73
00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:15,918
as an opportunity to connect.

74
00:03:17,084 --> 00:03:19,918
Really wonderful, Kashton.
Great hive meeting, everyone.

75
00:03:20,001 --> 00:03:22,001
Remember, lead with your heart,

76
00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:23,918
and above all, push turmeric shots.

77
00:03:24,001 --> 00:03:26,376
The profit margins on them are fantastic.

78
00:03:27,376 --> 00:03:30,876
Daniel, you've been such a joy
since joining the team.

79
00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:33,418
Today I'd like to put you
on a very sacred journey

80
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,459
as our wellness recruiter.

81
00:03:35,543 --> 00:03:37,501
Oh, what does that entail?

82
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:40,376
[cars honking]

83
00:03:41,959 --> 00:03:42,959
[coughs]

84
00:03:43,543 --> 00:03:44,793
Try a free turmeric shot?

85
00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:47,043
Eat a dick, chalkboard.

86
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:48,501
Oh, hey, Daniel.

87
00:03:48,584 --> 00:03:50,751
-Oh, hey, Clara. Hey, Sloan.
-Yo.

88
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:53,084
-Reggie…
-'Sup, D-Bones?

89
00:03:53,168 --> 00:03:55,418
Remember gym class? Nut tap.

90
00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:57,293
Cool, you're still doing that.

91
00:03:57,376 --> 00:03:59,001
So, what are you guys up to?

92
00:03:59,084 --> 00:04:01,334
Bumming around the city
before college starts.

93
00:04:01,418 --> 00:04:04,376
Are you just working here
until you leave for Stanford?

94
00:04:04,459 --> 00:04:07,626
I'm actually deferring
my acceptance for a bit.

95
00:04:07,709 --> 00:04:09,668
-Just to figure things out.
-What?

96
00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,418
And live at home? Pass.

97
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:14,751
I can't wait to go to college
and get out of my bitch mom's house.

98
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:18,043
I actually live in an apartment
just down the street.

99
00:04:18,126 --> 00:04:21,668
Whoa, you have your own apartment
in the city by yourself?

100
00:04:21,751 --> 00:04:23,751
Yep, I live there. Just me.

101
00:04:23,834 --> 00:04:26,668
-So dope. Can we hang there?
-Oh, I don't think--

102
00:04:26,751 --> 00:04:30,334
Yeah, we're looking for a place to party.
My cousin Taylor's in town.

103
00:04:30,418 --> 00:04:31,751
Taylor Hogswitch?

104
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:33,793
He's the most famous person
from our high school.

105
00:04:33,876 --> 00:04:38,126
Yeah. His Insta account for his abs
got him noticed by a producer,

106
00:04:38,209 --> 00:04:42,084
and now he's a stand-in
on the all-white reboot of Empire.

107
00:04:42,168 --> 00:04:44,793
-Did you know him?
-Did I know him?

108
00:04:44,876 --> 00:04:47,126
The second time he was a senior
and I was a freshman,

109
00:04:47,209 --> 00:04:49,043
we were in the same chemistry class.

110
00:04:49,126 --> 00:04:51,876
When I got a bloody nose,
everyone was making fun of me,

111
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,501
and he told them to stop,

112
00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:56,251
and gave me his bandanna
to wipe up the blood.

113
00:04:56,334 --> 00:04:57,751
And I still have it.

114
00:04:57,834 --> 00:04:59,501
I mean, I threw it out.

115
00:04:59,584 --> 00:05:01,959
So, yeah, I know Taylor Hogswitch.

116
00:05:02,043 --> 00:05:04,543
He's goin' through
a rough time right now, man.

117
00:05:04,626 --> 00:05:06,168
His girlfriend dumped him.

118
00:05:06,251 --> 00:05:09,376
Now, he's, like,
"questioning everything about life."

119
00:05:09,459 --> 00:05:10,293
Okay.

120
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:13,584
He's calling it
"Taylor's summer of experimentation."

121
00:05:13,668 --> 00:05:14,709
Really?

122
00:05:14,793 --> 00:05:17,209
Anyway, dude,
if you don't wanna kick it, like--

123
00:05:17,293 --> 00:05:19,709
No. No, no, no, totally come by.

124
00:05:19,793 --> 00:05:24,584
Bring anyone. Friends, girlfriends,
famous cousins, whoever. [chuckles]

125
00:05:24,668 --> 00:05:26,168
Tight, we'll be there.

126
00:05:27,459 --> 00:05:29,001
-[grunts, laughs]
-Ah!

127
00:05:29,084 --> 00:05:30,251
Two for flinching.

128
00:05:30,334 --> 00:05:31,168
[winces]

129
00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:34,084
Oh, you still do that too. Very cool.

130
00:05:37,793 --> 00:05:39,043
[electric shaver buzzing]

131
00:05:41,168 --> 00:05:42,709
Mark, you know that's my sink.

132
00:05:42,793 --> 00:05:44,209
Oh, sorry, hon.

133
00:05:44,293 --> 00:05:47,126
Just gettin' ready for tomorrow
when I shake my bon-bon.

134
00:05:47,209 --> 00:05:48,668
It's already Sex Sunday?

135
00:05:48,751 --> 00:05:50,376
This week's gone by fast.

136
00:05:50,459 --> 00:05:51,543
Speakin' of fast,

137
00:05:51,626 --> 00:05:54,793
at 2:00 p.m. mañana,
you are gonna get it good.

138
00:05:54,876 --> 00:05:56,793
God, feel how smooth I got them.

139
00:05:56,876 --> 00:05:58,334
See how much bigger it looks?

140
00:05:59,209 --> 00:06:00,918
It does look a little bigger.

141
00:06:01,001 --> 00:06:02,334
Yeah.

142
00:06:02,418 --> 00:06:04,834
[man] Yeah. What's up?

143
00:06:06,209 --> 00:06:08,543
Davenport, Iowa in da house!

144
00:06:08,626 --> 00:06:10,793
Davenport? That's one of the Quad Cities!

145
00:06:10,876 --> 00:06:14,251
I'm one Quad City BJ away
from collecting the set!

146
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:15,834
[pants, wheezes]

147
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:18,001
[shakily] Any of you boys from Moline?

148
00:06:18,084 --> 00:06:20,084
[hip-hop music playing in background]

149
00:06:22,709 --> 00:06:24,418
Mm-mm-mmm.

150
00:06:25,001 --> 00:06:27,376
Hey, ya got any Led Zeppelin?

151
00:06:27,459 --> 00:06:28,584
Today's hip-hop.

152
00:06:28,668 --> 00:06:31,418
Oldies night is Tuesday from 4:00 to 6:00.

153
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:32,501
Suck a dick.

154
00:06:32,584 --> 00:06:34,334
[with echo effect] Okay, party people.

155
00:06:34,418 --> 00:06:38,334
It's time to see who has the balls
to ride the bear.

156
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:41,668
[snarling]

157
00:06:44,334 --> 00:06:46,834
Ugh. Goddamn Trixie.

158
00:06:47,793 --> 00:06:48,876
[Trixie giggling]

159
00:06:48,959 --> 00:06:49,959
[man] Yeah!

160
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,584
Whoo!

161
00:06:52,668 --> 00:06:54,043
Weak shit.

162
00:06:54,126 --> 00:06:55,834
[giggles] I did it!

163
00:06:55,918 --> 00:06:56,918
Hell yeah!

164
00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:58,793
Her shirt kinda came off.

165
00:06:58,876 --> 00:07:02,459
Let me show you
how a real woman rides bear back.

166
00:07:02,543 --> 00:07:04,668
[grunting, straining]

167
00:07:04,751 --> 00:07:06,876
Now, how do ya turn this fuckin' thing on?

168
00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:08,418
[yelping]

169
00:07:08,501 --> 00:07:09,918
Oh my tit.

170
00:07:10,001 --> 00:07:10,834
Ahh!

171
00:07:10,918 --> 00:07:12,043
[man] Oh shit!

172
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:14,251
[moans]

173
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,918
[weakly] Stuck the landing.

174
00:07:20,001 --> 00:07:20,876
Ugh.

175
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:23,293
[doorbell buzzes]

176
00:07:24,793 --> 00:07:26,876
What's up, my dude-ers?

177
00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:28,126
Come on in.

178
00:07:28,209 --> 00:07:31,084
Hey, why does your buzzer say
"Diane Dunbrowski"?

179
00:07:31,168 --> 00:07:32,876
Uh, it's my drag name.

180
00:07:33,543 --> 00:07:34,709
Gotta say, Daniel,

181
00:07:34,793 --> 00:07:38,709
I love this retro-frat-house-ironic-sports
vibe you got goin' on.

182
00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:40,418
Oh, it's not all ironic.

183
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,876
I'm a huge fan of O.J. Simpson.

184
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,293
Ugh.

185
00:07:45,376 --> 00:07:47,543
Anyways, where's your cousin?

186
00:07:47,626 --> 00:07:50,459
Oh, yeah, he's working.
I guess they added a scene

187
00:07:50,543 --> 00:07:53,959
where White-Cookie throws a glass
of mayonnaise on White-Lucious.

188
00:07:54,043 --> 00:07:57,084
He had to stand all day
dripping in white goo.

189
00:07:57,168 --> 00:07:58,834
Jesus Christ.

190
00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,126
Daniel, your place is lit.

191
00:08:02,751 --> 00:08:05,376
Sorry to break it to you,
but we are never leaving.

192
00:08:05,459 --> 00:08:09,834
Sorry to break it to you,
but that is totally cool with me.

193
00:08:09,918 --> 00:08:12,334
[all laughing]

194
00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:13,251
[phone buzzing]

195
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:14,751
Oh, excuse me.

196
00:08:16,584 --> 00:08:18,959
-Hello?
-Hey, I'm on my way home.

197
00:08:19,043 --> 00:08:20,418
You want a pizza puff?

198
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,793
Wait, I-- I thought you weren't
coming home tonight.

199
00:08:22,876 --> 00:08:25,918
Yeah, I went oh-for-two
in the bar-dick category.

200
00:08:26,001 --> 00:08:27,918
And in the bar-coke category.

201
00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:29,668
I just wanna put on my eating underwear

202
00:08:29,751 --> 00:08:32,668
and wait for the Grim Reaper
to slice my frickin' head off.

203
00:08:32,751 --> 00:08:35,084
You know, I don't think
you should give up yet.

204
00:08:35,168 --> 00:08:37,501
Maybe you can try… Kurt!

205
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:40,209
Why don't you try Uncle Kurt?
He probably misses you.

206
00:08:40,293 --> 00:08:41,418
That's true.

207
00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:43,168
And nothing makes me feel younger

208
00:08:43,251 --> 00:08:46,001
than Kurt givin' me
the ol' Siskel and Ebert.

209
00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:48,043
That's when he gives me two thumbs up my--

210
00:08:48,126 --> 00:08:49,418
Gotta go. Bye!

211
00:08:52,001 --> 00:08:54,501
Hi, baby. I brought pizza puffs.

212
00:08:54,584 --> 00:08:55,834
Ma, I can't talk.

213
00:08:55,918 --> 00:08:58,584
Southwest just added
these new non-stops to Des Moines

214
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:00,543
and no one's carryin' anything on.

215
00:09:00,626 --> 00:09:02,168
Have fun at work, sweetie.

216
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:05,543
Remember, it's hot out,
so drink plenty of pop!

217
00:09:07,084 --> 00:09:12,001
Ooh, who's that hot piece of ass
with that giant lizard,

218
00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,584
walking that iguana?

219
00:09:13,668 --> 00:09:15,876
Uh, what are you doin' here, Di?

220
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:17,459
Hopefully you.

221
00:09:17,543 --> 00:09:20,709
Kurt, we've been through a lot together,
but it never gets old.

222
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:23,459
And more importantly, we never get old.

223
00:09:23,543 --> 00:09:27,501
Now, let's go see what the Murphy bed
in the garage can handle.

224
00:09:27,584 --> 00:09:30,668
Kurt, babe, where's the Diet Rite?

225
00:09:30,751 --> 00:09:31,918
Oh, hi.

226
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:35,834
It's, uh, under the venison.
I'll be right there.

227
00:09:35,918 --> 00:09:37,293
Okay. Bye.

228
00:09:38,043 --> 00:09:39,418
Who is that woman?

229
00:09:39,501 --> 00:09:41,626
That's my, uh-- She's my--

230
00:09:42,126 --> 00:09:43,751
My friend. So…

231
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:46,501
[bird squawking] Fuck me again, Kurt.

232
00:09:46,584 --> 00:09:49,043
[psychedelic '70s music plays]

233
00:09:49,126 --> 00:09:50,543
[squawks]

234
00:09:53,084 --> 00:09:55,918
He met her at the Exotic Pet Expo
at McCormick Place.

235
00:09:56,001 --> 00:09:58,668
I was so mad,
I took down seven Malört bombs,

236
00:09:58,751 --> 00:10:01,209
and I fell asleep
in the back of Guthrie's.

237
00:10:01,293 --> 00:10:03,168
I gotta do somethin' to feel younger.

238
00:10:03,251 --> 00:10:05,126
We're all the same age, right?

239
00:10:05,209 --> 00:10:06,668
Uh, I'm 32.

240
00:10:06,751 --> 00:10:08,626
I never knew my birthday.

241
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,459
What about a makeover?

242
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,418
Tina, you're great at makeup,

243
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:15,418
and, Zuz, your wig always looks perfect.

244
00:10:15,501 --> 00:10:17,793
This not wig. This full on Zuzana.

245
00:10:18,668 --> 00:10:21,293
But don't I look like an Instagram ho?

246
00:10:21,376 --> 00:10:23,459
More like an Instagram no.

247
00:10:23,543 --> 00:10:25,376
Diane, what the hell you doin' here?

248
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,959
I had to beg Tina to come in today

249
00:10:28,043 --> 00:10:32,376
because you just wrote
"personal day, Ribfest" on the schedule.

250
00:10:32,459 --> 00:10:34,876
If it's a personal day,

251
00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:38,334
you do not have to tell me what it is for!

252
00:10:38,418 --> 00:10:42,168
Gideon, I'm in the middle of a spiral,
and I'm trying to freshen up my look.

253
00:10:42,251 --> 00:10:44,209
Well, your hair ain't the problem.

254
00:10:44,293 --> 00:10:49,001
The body is the new face
and, honey, yours is frowning.

255
00:10:49,084 --> 00:10:52,334
Are you kiddin' me? My body is bangin'.

256
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:53,793
In high school, I was voted

257
00:10:53,876 --> 00:10:56,418
most likely to live off
wet T-shirt contest money.

258
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,584
But now you have ass like Irish woman,

259
00:10:58,668 --> 00:11:00,668
straight line from neck to knee.

260
00:11:00,751 --> 00:11:03,043
Okay, Zuzana, enough problems.

261
00:11:03,126 --> 00:11:04,584
Give me some solutions.

262
00:11:04,668 --> 00:11:06,751
[Gideon] Now, go talk to my girl, Karina.

263
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:10,168
She runs a high-end shapewear boutique
in the Gold Coast

264
00:11:10,251 --> 00:11:11,834
called Waist Management.

265
00:11:11,918 --> 00:11:15,501
Child, she could fix any part
of your body that looks like trash.

266
00:11:15,584 --> 00:11:19,251
Is there a… [clears throat]
"friends of Gideon" discount?

267
00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:21,334
You better keep my name out your mouth.

268
00:11:21,418 --> 00:11:22,251
Ten-Four.

269
00:11:25,876 --> 00:11:27,209
[groans, gags]

270
00:11:27,751 --> 00:11:28,918
[knocking at door]

271
00:11:29,001 --> 00:11:31,543
Aunt Diane, where the hell
were you last night?

272
00:11:31,626 --> 00:11:33,543
I was worried sick--

273
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:37,584
Blouse, Clara.
What are you doing back here?

274
00:11:37,668 --> 00:11:41,293
We wanted to keep the party going
and have a little Sunday fun day.

275
00:11:41,376 --> 00:11:43,876
Actually, I'm kind of tired.

276
00:11:43,959 --> 00:11:45,293
[man] 'Sup, Daniel?

277
00:11:45,376 --> 00:11:47,376
["I Swear" by All-4-One plays]
♪ I swear ♪

278
00:11:47,876 --> 00:11:52,668
♪ By the moon and the stars in the sky ♪

279
00:11:53,584 --> 00:11:55,626
♪ And I swear ♪

280
00:11:55,709 --> 00:11:57,959
Oh my God. Taylor Hogswitch?

281
00:11:58,043 --> 00:12:00,418
Heard you throw one helluva kickback.

282
00:12:01,626 --> 00:12:02,626
[Daniel gasps]

283
00:12:03,626 --> 00:12:05,501
[sniffs deeply] Mmm.

284
00:12:05,584 --> 00:12:07,334
Daniel's sayin' he's tired.

285
00:12:07,418 --> 00:12:08,293
[muffled] No.

286
00:12:08,376 --> 00:12:11,626
No, Reggie. [chuckles] Don't be a… bitch.

287
00:12:12,334 --> 00:12:13,709
You little bitch.

288
00:12:13,793 --> 00:12:14,834
Come on in.

289
00:12:19,751 --> 00:12:24,084
Hey, just checked my watch,
and it is sex o'clock.

290
00:12:24,168 --> 00:12:25,501
Oh, really?

291
00:12:25,584 --> 00:12:27,709
I was gonna start watching
The Good Doctor.

292
00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:29,584
We're gonna talk about it at book club.

293
00:12:29,668 --> 00:12:32,376
Right, but it's the time.

294
00:12:32,459 --> 00:12:35,084
Actually, we only had this set time

295
00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:37,501
because it's when Daniel
used to have Model UN.

296
00:12:37,584 --> 00:12:39,543
Now, we don't have to rush things.

297
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:42,126
We can do it whenever we want, right?

298
00:12:42,209 --> 00:12:43,459
I guess so.

299
00:12:43,543 --> 00:12:45,751
So, The Good Doctor?

300
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:49,168
I did see that boy on Jimmy Fallon.
He was very charming.

301
00:12:49,251 --> 00:12:50,209
I saw that.

302
00:12:50,293 --> 00:12:53,376
They threw pies at each other.
It was a riot.

303
00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:56,293
-[Diane grunting]
-[fabric stretching]

304
00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:58,459
Whew!

305
00:12:58,543 --> 00:13:00,084
How do you wear this shit?

306
00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:02,543
Girl, I'd look like Grimace without it.

307
00:13:02,626 --> 00:13:05,209
As women age, we do lose our natural waist

308
00:13:05,293 --> 00:13:06,959
and plumpness in the backside.

309
00:13:07,043 --> 00:13:10,251
Yeah, it's weird.
I got no volume in my dumper.

310
00:13:10,334 --> 00:13:12,834
Gimme a little relief back there, sweetie.

311
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:16,834
I haven't felt this crunched
since Jim Belushi rolled on top of me.

312
00:13:17,418 --> 00:13:18,459
[relieved sigh]

313
00:13:18,543 --> 00:13:19,793
Thank God.

314
00:13:19,876 --> 00:13:23,001
Thanks again. And have fun
at your grandson's bar mitzvah.

315
00:13:23,084 --> 00:13:25,209
Hold up, you're a grandma?

316
00:13:25,293 --> 00:13:27,459
Were you, like, a child bride
or something?

317
00:13:27,543 --> 00:13:28,501
[chuckles]

318
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,209
I get that a lot.

319
00:13:30,293 --> 00:13:32,501
No, this is all Dr. Klein-Pearlman.

320
00:13:32,584 --> 00:13:34,001
Oh, she's the best.

321
00:13:34,084 --> 00:13:37,626
She made me look 20 years younger
just by raising my ears.

322
00:13:37,709 --> 00:13:40,834
She's right down the block
next to the Prada Express.

323
00:13:40,918 --> 00:13:43,751
I think you mean Panda Express.

324
00:13:43,834 --> 00:13:45,209
[all except Diane laughing]

325
00:13:45,293 --> 00:13:46,918
-Panda Express.
-[Diane chuckles]

326
00:13:47,001 --> 00:13:49,751
Anyhoo, Karina, what's your return policy?

327
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,751
We just makin' sure the tags are still on,

328
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:54,251
or are you runnin'
a black light over everything?

329
00:13:56,376 --> 00:13:58,293
[hip-hop playing in background]

330
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:01,584
Your place
is the perfect party house, Daniel.

331
00:14:01,668 --> 00:14:05,001
[gasps] There's so many
loose pills everywhere.

332
00:14:07,251 --> 00:14:08,334
[moans]

333
00:14:08,418 --> 00:14:09,501
-Oh!
-Oh!

334
00:14:09,584 --> 00:14:12,543
Hey, Taylor.
Sorry our chests just touched.

335
00:14:12,626 --> 00:14:14,043
No worries, Dan-O.

336
00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:16,293
Also, congrats on your career.

337
00:14:16,376 --> 00:14:18,418
Yeah. Do you mind if we sit down?

338
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:20,043
Stand-in work is tough.

339
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,209
[cheering, whooping]

340
00:14:22,293 --> 00:14:23,959
[indistinct chatter]

341
00:14:24,043 --> 00:14:25,959
[scoffs] Guys like that remind me

342
00:14:26,043 --> 00:14:28,626
I didn't miss anything
by not goin' to college.

343
00:14:28,709 --> 00:14:32,543
I feel exactly the same.
I'm currently taking a gap year.

344
00:14:32,626 --> 00:14:35,126
I did that when I spent a year
modeling for The Gap.

345
00:14:35,626 --> 00:14:39,626
[Daniel laughing nervously]

346
00:14:40,793 --> 00:14:44,084
[sighs] What do you think, Doc?
Am I a lost cause?

347
00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:48,876
Right now, you're at a place
we like to call "retinally offensive."

348
00:14:48,959 --> 00:14:51,543
But with one to fourteen major surgeries,

349
00:14:51,626 --> 00:14:53,209
this could be you.

350
00:14:53,834 --> 00:14:55,293
Sweet shit.

351
00:14:55,376 --> 00:14:58,043
That's the most beautiful thing
I've seen in my life.

352
00:14:58,126 --> 00:15:00,543
I can fit you in Tuesday,
three years from now,

353
00:15:00,626 --> 00:15:04,751
or I just had a cancellation
for tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.

354
00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:07,668
I guess Rahm Emanuel
likes having a third nipple.

355
00:15:07,751 --> 00:15:08,834
Tomorrow is great!

356
00:15:09,418 --> 00:15:10,751
Okay, it's imperative

357
00:15:10,834 --> 00:15:13,626
that you don't eat or drink anything
after 10:00 p.m.

358
00:15:13,709 --> 00:15:16,334
-You don't smoke, do you?
-Oh Lord, no.

359
00:15:16,418 --> 00:15:17,709
[gags, exhales]

360
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:19,043
And most importantly,

361
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,043
you'll need someone
to pick you up from surgery.

362
00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:24,126
-You're gonna be pretty out of it.
-We'll see about that.

363
00:15:24,209 --> 00:15:27,251
I once landed a plane
after drinkin' 28 beers.

364
00:15:27,334 --> 00:15:29,001
No follow-up questions.

365
00:15:33,376 --> 00:15:36,293
Ah, oh, my. Give her some-- Uh--

366
00:15:37,001 --> 00:15:38,584
Oh. Oh no.

367
00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:43,501
Turns out, I'm not a good doctor.

368
00:15:47,251 --> 00:15:49,543
I guess it's time for sex?

369
00:15:50,084 --> 00:15:52,959
If I'm being honest, Bon Bon,
I'm not feelin' it.

370
00:15:53,043 --> 00:15:54,918
Me too. What's different?

371
00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:59,168
Well, for one, I'm still shook up
about that woman getting a pig heart.

372
00:15:59,251 --> 00:16:02,668
And I guess we used to have to rush
to do it before Daniel came home.

373
00:16:02,751 --> 00:16:04,626
Maybe the time crunch was part of it.

374
00:16:04,709 --> 00:16:06,126
-[phone buzzes]
-Hello.

375
00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:07,668
I'm about to eat my face off

376
00:16:07,751 --> 00:16:11,584
because at 10:00 p.m.,
I gotta start fasting. Guess why.

377
00:16:11,668 --> 00:16:13,834
You have a blood test
at a free clinic tomorrow?

378
00:16:13,918 --> 00:16:16,168
I'll save you the trip. You're positive.

379
00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:19,501
Actually, I'm gettin'
a full facial reconstruction. The works!

380
00:16:19,584 --> 00:16:23,084
I'm gonna be as pretty as that boy
who fucked a peach in that movie.

381
00:16:23,168 --> 00:16:25,543
-You saw Call Me By Your Name?
-Just that scene.

382
00:16:25,626 --> 00:16:29,293
I found it in a folder
on Daniel's computer marked "work stuff."

383
00:16:29,376 --> 00:16:32,376
Anyhooters, I'll need you
to pick me up from the hospital

384
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:35,126
'cause I'll be so whacked out
on goof juice.

385
00:16:35,209 --> 00:16:36,834
It's gonna freakin' rock.

386
00:16:36,918 --> 00:16:40,251
Diane, plastic surgery?
This is a big mistake.

387
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:43,876
Speakin' of big steaks,
I just got to Gibsons.

388
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:45,209
See ya tomorrow, Bon.

389
00:16:45,293 --> 00:16:46,418
You can't do this--

390
00:16:46,501 --> 00:16:48,501
What if you don't get a good doctor?

391
00:16:48,584 --> 00:16:50,001
Can we do another episode?

392
00:16:50,084 --> 00:16:53,876
Mark, Gibsons serves their martinis
in gravy boats!

393
00:16:53,959 --> 00:16:56,709
After two of those,
there'll be no talking sense to her,

394
00:16:56,793 --> 00:16:59,543
and she will get that stupid
goddamn face-lift!

395
00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:03,043
-Honey, all your friends have face-lifts.
-Diane is not my friend.

396
00:17:03,126 --> 00:17:04,418
She's my sister!

397
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,668
[jazzy piano music playing]

398
00:17:08,543 --> 00:17:11,834
Mmm! [moans contentedly]

399
00:17:11,918 --> 00:17:14,084
This cake is so big.

400
00:17:14,168 --> 00:17:15,584
Another martini.

401
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:19,209
And this pork chop
is from the gentleman over there.

402
00:17:24,709 --> 00:17:25,543
Hmm?

403
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:32,251
Can't you take Lake Shore Drive?

404
00:17:32,334 --> 00:17:35,251
Google Maps says it's backed up.
What do you want me to do?

405
00:17:35,334 --> 00:17:37,084
-Goddamn it, Mark!
-I know, Bonnie.

406
00:17:37,168 --> 00:17:39,168
-We're running out of time.
-We don't have time.

407
00:17:40,418 --> 00:17:43,918
-Bonnie, I am aroused.
-[sensual music playing]

408
00:17:45,043 --> 00:17:45,959
Pull over.

409
00:17:47,084 --> 00:17:49,459
…and I can't model for Billabong anymore

410
00:17:49,543 --> 00:17:51,043
'cause the muscles in my thighs

411
00:17:51,126 --> 00:17:53,376
keep blowing out the crotch
in their board shorts.

412
00:17:53,459 --> 00:17:54,959
I think that's a metaphor

413
00:17:55,043 --> 00:17:58,668
for how you shouldn't be held back
by your heteronormative standards.

414
00:17:58,751 --> 00:18:00,751
Really? You think that, D-Man?

415
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:03,543
[voice cracking] Yes.
[clears throat] I mean, yes.

416
00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:04,751
[woman] Taylor?

417
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,459
I'm sorry, who are you?

418
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:07,876
Uh, that's my ex.

419
00:18:07,959 --> 00:18:10,418
[Taylor] Oh, baby, I miss those tight abs.

420
00:18:10,501 --> 00:18:12,959
[Taylor's ex] Well, I miss your tight abs.

421
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,334
[Taylor moaning]

422
00:18:15,418 --> 00:18:18,376
Oh shit!
I dropped all the flaming fireball shots!

423
00:18:21,126 --> 00:18:22,376
[all] Yeah!

424
00:18:23,459 --> 00:18:26,834
Oh, now I remember
why I hated high school.

425
00:18:29,043 --> 00:18:30,418
And I said to my son,

426
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:33,209
"I've made it 75 years
without a colonoscopy."

427
00:18:33,293 --> 00:18:34,459
"Why start now?"

428
00:18:37,876 --> 00:18:39,334
That's cute.

429
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:41,376
You really should do that though.

430
00:18:41,459 --> 00:18:44,001
I gotta say, you seem to love being old.

431
00:18:44,084 --> 00:18:46,251
It's the best time of my life.

432
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:49,001
Really? Because it scares
the hell outta me.

433
00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:53,084
I'm on the back end of this whole thing,
and like the porta-potties at Ribfest,

434
00:18:53,168 --> 00:18:55,001
it's not gonna get better with time.

435
00:18:55,084 --> 00:18:57,126
It depends on how you look at it.

436
00:18:57,209 --> 00:19:00,584
The things I used to worry about
when I was young… Good God.

437
00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:02,168
I lost so much time.

438
00:19:02,251 --> 00:19:04,709
Easy for you to say, you're a man.

439
00:19:05,209 --> 00:19:07,418
People don't even look at me anymore.

440
00:19:07,501 --> 00:19:09,626
And if they do,
it's for the wrong reasons.

441
00:19:10,126 --> 00:19:12,043
I find that hard to believe.

442
00:19:12,126 --> 00:19:15,501
I'm sure you get plenty of attention,
being such a gorgeous working girl.

443
00:19:15,584 --> 00:19:17,043
I'm sorry, what's that?

444
00:19:17,126 --> 00:19:19,501
I'd love to invite you to my hotel.

445
00:19:19,584 --> 00:19:21,209
And I'm sure it'll cost me.

446
00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:23,584
But don't worry. I can afford it.

447
00:19:23,668 --> 00:19:25,001
Excuse me.

448
00:19:25,084 --> 00:19:28,793
Do you think the way I look right now,
I'm a hooker?

449
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:29,709
Yes, I do.

450
00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:34,084
I'm back, baby!

451
00:19:34,168 --> 00:19:35,584
-Yeah!
-Oh.

452
00:19:35,668 --> 00:19:36,584
Thank you.

453
00:19:36,668 --> 00:19:37,918
-And also…
-[grunts]

454
00:19:38,001 --> 00:19:39,793
…fuck you, you sick bastard.

455
00:19:41,251 --> 00:19:42,251
-[kisses]
-Oh.

456
00:19:43,209 --> 00:19:45,501
[humming]

457
00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,043
[tires screeching]

458
00:19:47,709 --> 00:19:49,084
Diane, are you okay?

459
00:19:49,168 --> 00:19:50,626
Am I okay?

460
00:19:50,709 --> 00:19:53,168
This rich old guy in there
thought I was a hooker.

461
00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:56,209
So yeah, I'm doing frickin' great!

462
00:19:56,293 --> 00:19:59,293
Listen, you can't go through
with that surgery.

463
00:19:59,376 --> 00:20:03,001
I have always looked up to you
because you never change for anyone,

464
00:20:03,084 --> 00:20:04,918
and you shouldn't start now.

465
00:20:05,001 --> 00:20:06,459
You're beautiful.

466
00:20:06,543 --> 00:20:09,293
I thought that when you were little,
and I still do now.

467
00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:10,626
Aww!

468
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,751
Did you just get laid?

469
00:20:12,834 --> 00:20:15,626
Okay, you know,
why do you ruin everything?

470
00:20:15,709 --> 00:20:17,918
-Just promise me you won't ever--
-Mwah.

471
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:21,126
Thank you. I'm not going under the knife.

472
00:20:21,209 --> 00:20:23,626
Now, you go get back under your husband.

473
00:20:23,709 --> 00:20:25,709
Diane, stop.

474
00:20:27,918 --> 00:20:29,293
["This Is How We Do It" playing]

475
00:20:29,376 --> 00:20:32,334
[Diane] ♪ This is how I do it ♪

476
00:20:32,418 --> 00:20:34,251
♪ I drink some beers and screw it ♪

477
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,334
Diane! Oh thank God!

478
00:20:37,876 --> 00:20:41,668
Uh, are you throwin' a party
at my apartment, young man?

479
00:20:42,251 --> 00:20:44,626
And you didn't invite this bitch?

480
00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:47,626
Diane, I lied and said I had
my own apartment to look cool,

481
00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:51,084
but mostly to impress this guy Taylor,
who I'm now realizing is a complete idiot.

482
00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:53,251
And I'm so tired,
and I just wanna take a bath

483
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:55,959
and go through my "work stuff" folder
on my computer.

484
00:20:56,043 --> 00:20:58,793
Sweetie, in the words of a wise old creep,

485
00:20:59,293 --> 00:21:01,668
"Don't waste time
being somethin' you're not."

486
00:21:02,251 --> 00:21:03,918
Now, let's get back to the party.

487
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:06,334
I'm sure these people
aren't as bad as you say they are.

488
00:21:06,418 --> 00:21:07,334
[glass breaking]

489
00:21:10,293 --> 00:21:12,918
-[psychedelic '70s music plays]
-The autographed Sammy Sosa ball

490
00:21:13,001 --> 00:21:16,126
from the gift basket he gave me
after we hooked up?

491
00:21:17,834 --> 00:21:19,126
[parrot squawks]

492
00:21:20,126 --> 00:21:22,084
[yells] All right, everybody out!

493
00:21:22,168 --> 00:21:24,001
Let's go! Come on! Out! Go!

494
00:21:24,084 --> 00:21:25,418
Bye-bye, sweetie.

495
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:28,584
You, put that beer bong down.
That's a collector's item.

496
00:21:28,668 --> 00:21:31,834
You-- Are those my mushrooms?
Immediately give me those.

497
00:21:32,543 --> 00:21:34,293
And that smells like my weed.

498
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:35,668
It's CBD.

499
00:21:35,751 --> 00:21:38,043
Ugh! Never mind, you keep it!

500
00:21:38,126 --> 00:21:40,751
-There's the door! Don't let it hit ya!
-Daniel, who is this bitch?

501
00:21:40,834 --> 00:21:44,293
-That "bitch" is my aunt and my roommate.
-[Diane] Let's go! Move it, or lose it!

502
00:21:44,376 --> 00:21:46,376
-[gasps]
-Two for flinching.

503
00:21:46,459 --> 00:21:47,501
[grunts]

504
00:21:47,584 --> 00:21:48,584
Ow!

505
00:21:50,751 --> 00:21:51,751
Ow!

506
00:21:52,959 --> 00:21:54,543
Thanks, Aunt Diane.

507
00:21:56,084 --> 00:21:57,543
Anytime, kiddo.

508
00:21:58,418 --> 00:21:59,251
[Diane grunts]

509
00:22:07,126 --> 00:22:08,793
Rib omelet before work?

510
00:22:08,876 --> 00:22:10,168
Sure, why not?

511
00:22:10,251 --> 00:22:11,251
[Taylor grunts]

512
00:22:14,459 --> 00:22:17,709
Whew! Could barely keep up
with you last night.

513
00:22:17,793 --> 00:22:19,418
Never been so chafed.

514
00:22:19,501 --> 00:22:22,168
Good news is,
I don't have to do cardio today.

515
00:22:23,334 --> 00:22:24,584
What's up, D-Man?

516
00:22:33,168 --> 00:22:35,126
This old bitch still got it.

517
00:22:35,209 --> 00:22:37,209
[closing theme music plays]