1 00:00:06,543 --> 00:00:07,751 [neon buzzing] 2 00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:12,959 [Diane] I think it was Charlie Dickens who said, 3 00:00:13,043 --> 00:00:16,334 "Early to bed, early to rise, makes you healthy and wise." 4 00:00:16,418 --> 00:00:19,209 But I'm more of a Charlie Sheen kinda gal, 5 00:00:19,293 --> 00:00:21,793 and ever since my nephew Daniel's moved in, 6 00:00:21,876 --> 00:00:24,168 we party every frickin' night. 7 00:00:24,751 --> 00:00:26,501 That's not Daniel. That's a raccoon. 8 00:00:26,584 --> 00:00:28,918 Anyhoo, we're havin' a pretty fun time, 9 00:00:29,001 --> 00:00:30,918 despite the fact that my sister Bonnie 10 00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:32,876 stops by now and again. 11 00:00:32,959 --> 00:00:35,418 -And by that, I mean every frickin' day. -[bottles clank] 12 00:00:35,501 --> 00:00:36,918 Ugh, underwear? 13 00:00:37,001 --> 00:00:38,043 [Diane snoring] 14 00:00:38,126 --> 00:00:40,376 [Diane belches, mutters, smacks lips] 15 00:00:41,043 --> 00:00:42,459 Jesus! God! 16 00:00:45,293 --> 00:00:47,334 -Mom, get out! -Oh my God! I-- I-- 17 00:00:47,418 --> 00:00:49,251 -Mom, what are you doing? -I don't know! 18 00:00:49,334 --> 00:00:52,293 -I think it's stuck! -You need to push down, then pull. 19 00:00:53,043 --> 00:00:54,084 [groans] 20 00:00:54,168 --> 00:00:56,418 I told him to put a sock on the doorknob. 21 00:00:57,168 --> 00:00:58,501 [intro theme music plays] 22 00:01:05,126 --> 00:01:07,584 I don't want my son living in filth. 23 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,668 There are crumbs all over the floor. You're gonna get rats. 24 00:01:10,751 --> 00:01:13,543 -No way. They're too scared of the racc-- -What? 25 00:01:13,626 --> 00:01:15,043 Uh, Durack. 26 00:01:15,126 --> 00:01:17,418 Serbian guy. He's our exterminator. 27 00:01:17,501 --> 00:01:20,043 "No rats with Durack." That's his slogan. 28 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,626 Daniel, we need to talk. 29 00:01:22,709 --> 00:01:26,334 -Hope it's about door-knocking etiquette. -I don't know what you're talking about. 30 00:01:26,418 --> 00:01:29,334 I just wanted to see how the job search was going. 31 00:01:29,418 --> 00:01:30,418 Here we go. 32 00:01:30,501 --> 00:01:33,876 Well, actually, I watched this incredible TED Talk, 33 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:37,209 and they say the best way to find a job is to stop looking for it. 34 00:01:37,293 --> 00:01:39,334 That's why TED Talks are stupid. 35 00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:41,793 Remember Rachel Zlatkin, Stuart's mother? 36 00:01:41,876 --> 00:01:44,418 She was heavy? Then her husband left her? Now she's too thin? 37 00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:47,293 Well, Stuart started this company walking high-end dogs, 38 00:01:47,376 --> 00:01:50,001 and I went ahead and set up an interview for you. 39 00:01:50,084 --> 00:01:52,126 Dog walking? That's not a real job. 40 00:01:52,209 --> 00:01:54,001 What, do they pay you by the turd? 41 00:01:54,084 --> 00:01:55,959 And what is a real job, Diane? 42 00:01:56,043 --> 00:01:59,626 Sleeping 'til noon and cutting hair two and a half days a week? 43 00:01:59,709 --> 00:02:03,459 Yeah. And what do you do all day besides not season your food? 44 00:02:03,543 --> 00:02:04,793 A lot of things. 45 00:02:04,876 --> 00:02:08,043 Right now, Mark and I are converting Daniel's old room into a gym. 46 00:02:08,126 --> 00:02:11,209 Your father was bullied at Planet Fitness, and he had to quit. 47 00:02:11,293 --> 00:02:14,043 Isn't that like the third gym he's been chased out of? 48 00:02:14,126 --> 00:02:16,959 Your interview is at 2:00 p.m. today. Call me when it's done. 49 00:02:17,043 --> 00:02:19,126 No texting. I wanna hear your tone. 50 00:02:19,209 --> 00:02:20,584 What if I had plans today? 51 00:02:20,668 --> 00:02:23,084 Masturbating your penis is not a plan. 52 00:02:23,584 --> 00:02:25,209 -[angrily chitters] -Goddamn it! 53 00:02:26,334 --> 00:02:29,501 Call Durack and get rid of that thing immediately. 54 00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,209 Who? Oh right. 55 00:02:31,293 --> 00:02:33,793 He is real, and I will call him. 56 00:02:35,043 --> 00:02:37,043 [patrons chatter indistinctly] 57 00:02:37,126 --> 00:02:38,376 I knew this day was coming, 58 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,959 but now that it's here, I'm kinda freaking out. 59 00:02:41,043 --> 00:02:43,543 Yeah, I remember Mikey's first job. 60 00:02:43,626 --> 00:02:45,376 He was a bouncer at House of Blues. 61 00:02:45,459 --> 00:02:48,043 That's a lotta responsibility for a 12-year-old. 62 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,084 What about this place? 63 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:52,626 I like the vibe, and the walls are all made of plants. 64 00:02:52,709 --> 00:02:54,709 [Diane sighs] This place? 65 00:02:54,793 --> 00:02:58,418 We are currently seeking rhapsodic souls to be wellness collaborators. 66 00:02:58,501 --> 00:03:01,418 Feather, you're a sweetheart, but he don't wanna work here. 67 00:03:02,168 --> 00:03:05,084 You gotta get your hands dirty, Daniel. 68 00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:06,584 I know these two guys. 69 00:03:07,584 --> 00:03:11,459 Big Pete and his son, Little Pete. I went to high school with both of 'em. 70 00:03:11,543 --> 00:03:12,376 Don't ask. 71 00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:14,918 They're super connected. They'll hook you up. 72 00:03:15,001 --> 00:03:17,793 [Bonnie] I talked to Rachel Zlatkin. She's heavy again. 73 00:03:17,876 --> 00:03:20,334 Good news. She pulled some strings with Stuart, 74 00:03:20,418 --> 00:03:22,043 and no interview needed. 75 00:03:22,126 --> 00:03:23,584 We got the job. 76 00:03:23,668 --> 00:03:25,501 Your first client is in an hour. 77 00:03:25,584 --> 00:03:26,418 You're welcome. 78 00:03:26,501 --> 00:03:27,334 Oh my God. 79 00:03:27,418 --> 00:03:30,126 My mom got me that dog-walking job without even asking. 80 00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:34,501 You know, there's a term for a mom who won't stop hovering over their kid. 81 00:03:34,584 --> 00:03:35,918 Yeah, "helicopter mom." 82 00:03:36,001 --> 00:03:38,668 -Oh, I was gonna say "nosy bitch." -[patrons gasp] 83 00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:40,751 You cannot smoke in here! 84 00:03:41,751 --> 00:03:44,584 Big weekend. There's a crazy riptide comin' in. 85 00:03:44,668 --> 00:03:46,501 Gonna be a record-breaking undertow. 86 00:03:46,584 --> 00:03:48,584 Record-breaking camel toe? 87 00:03:48,668 --> 00:03:50,959 I won that in Daytona Beach back in '94. 88 00:03:51,043 --> 00:03:53,668 No, it's the lake's undertow. 89 00:03:53,751 --> 00:03:56,334 It can pull you under and hold you for hours. 90 00:03:56,418 --> 00:03:58,168 Same with my camel toe. 91 00:03:58,251 --> 00:03:59,959 Tina knows what I'm talkin' about. 92 00:04:00,043 --> 00:04:02,543 I told you you was gonna get a yeast infection. 93 00:04:02,626 --> 00:04:06,876 Diane, you have been with that customer for 45 minutes, 94 00:04:06,959 --> 00:04:08,918 and he was bald to begin with. 95 00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:11,251 Gideon, I don't want to embarrass you, 96 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:16,084 but that customer is legendary Chicago weatherman Tom Skilling. 97 00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:18,876 And I give my VIPs all the time they need. 98 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,209 It's okay, Diane. 99 00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:21,959 It looks fantastic. 100 00:04:22,043 --> 00:04:25,126 Chance of getting a tip, 100%! 101 00:04:25,209 --> 00:04:27,793 [laughing] Bye, Tom. 102 00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:30,293 You're the wind chill beneath my wings! 103 00:04:30,959 --> 00:04:34,834 Ladies, and Diane, that's it for today. 104 00:04:34,918 --> 00:04:36,959 You're closin' up shop early? 105 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:40,209 Gideon, I thought you were this by-the-book lame-o, 106 00:04:40,293 --> 00:04:42,959 but you're a naughty little party boy, aren't ya? 107 00:04:43,043 --> 00:04:45,293 Look at the time! It's White Claw o'clock! 108 00:04:45,376 --> 00:04:47,709 Ooh, those look fun! 109 00:04:47,793 --> 00:04:51,043 -Let me see. -Yeah! Let's get nuts, G-string! 110 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,084 My Claws! 111 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,626 Diane, now, I have told you 112 00:04:54,709 --> 00:04:57,418 as many times as there are rhinestones in your jeggings, 113 00:04:57,501 --> 00:04:59,376 today, we begin corporate training. 114 00:04:59,459 --> 00:05:01,168 Balls. Is that today? 115 00:05:01,251 --> 00:05:02,251 I totally forgot. 116 00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:06,626 I can't make it. I have a hair… cut? Fuck! 117 00:05:06,709 --> 00:05:09,834 No one's goin' anywhere for the next three days. 118 00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:10,959 Three days? 119 00:05:11,043 --> 00:05:14,001 What is this, frickin' Hanukkah? No offense, Zuzana. 120 00:05:14,084 --> 00:05:15,376 I am Catholic. 121 00:05:15,876 --> 00:05:18,959 Today, we'll be goin' through Borough's rules and regulations. 122 00:05:19,043 --> 00:05:22,084 Tomorrow, we'll implement those policies via role-playing. 123 00:05:22,168 --> 00:05:23,001 Ooh, ooh, ooh! 124 00:05:23,084 --> 00:05:26,293 -Not that kind of role-playing, Diane. -[Diane groans] 125 00:05:26,376 --> 00:05:28,084 And the last day is the test, 126 00:05:28,168 --> 00:05:31,168 which you will need to pass in order to get certified. 127 00:05:31,959 --> 00:05:35,251 Got it. And what if we decide to not do any of that? 128 00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:37,668 [laughs] Then you can't work here, henny. 129 00:05:37,751 --> 00:05:39,626 [groans] 130 00:05:39,709 --> 00:05:40,668 [Diane slurping] 131 00:05:40,751 --> 00:05:41,626 Diane! 132 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,543 What? Five-minute rule. 133 00:05:45,876 --> 00:05:48,168 I gotta say, this is very exciting. 134 00:05:48,251 --> 00:05:50,418 I thought you were never gonna clean out Daniel's room. 135 00:05:50,501 --> 00:05:52,793 Of course I was. He's 18 and on his own. 136 00:05:52,876 --> 00:05:56,168 Why would we keep his room exactly how he left it? That'd be crazy. 137 00:05:57,459 --> 00:05:59,626 Mark, that's not where Pugs Bunny sleeps. 138 00:06:01,668 --> 00:06:04,251 Okay, let's make two piles. 139 00:06:04,334 --> 00:06:06,376 Stuff to save and stuff to throw out, 140 00:06:06,459 --> 00:06:08,876 like these coloring books from second grade. 141 00:06:08,959 --> 00:06:11,459 Definitely a throw-out, right? Easy peasy. 142 00:06:11,543 --> 00:06:14,334 You know, I feel like we should just check with Daniel first. 143 00:06:14,418 --> 00:06:17,084 I'm gonna text him a picture in case he wants to hang on to them. 144 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,626 What about his headgear? 145 00:06:18,709 --> 00:06:21,959 Hey, Mark, I feel like this is sort of overwhelming for you. 146 00:06:22,043 --> 00:06:24,459 So why don't you just go assemble the Peloton, 147 00:06:24,543 --> 00:06:26,293 and I will take care of the piles? 148 00:06:26,376 --> 00:06:27,543 Whatever you need. 149 00:06:27,626 --> 00:06:29,459 Hun, this will be good for us. 150 00:06:30,209 --> 00:06:32,751 Oh, his little bathrobe. 151 00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:33,834 -What? -Nothing. 152 00:06:33,918 --> 00:06:34,959 Let me work. 153 00:06:35,043 --> 00:06:36,043 [Bonnie cooing] 154 00:06:36,709 --> 00:06:38,334 [doorbell ringing] 155 00:06:39,043 --> 00:06:39,876 You're late. 156 00:06:39,959 --> 00:06:42,126 Oh. They told me 3:00. 157 00:06:42,209 --> 00:06:44,959 The help should always arrive 15 minutes early. 158 00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:47,293 Learn that. All right, this has to be quick. 159 00:06:47,376 --> 00:06:49,501 I have an appointment downtown I cannot miss. 160 00:06:49,584 --> 00:06:51,376 It's not Botox. 161 00:06:51,959 --> 00:06:53,459 This is Fitzy. 162 00:06:54,043 --> 00:06:55,584 -Hi, Fitzy. -[Fitzy whimpers] 163 00:06:55,668 --> 00:06:57,209 You can call him Fitzgerald. 164 00:06:57,293 --> 00:06:58,543 Oh, sorry. 165 00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:00,626 He's so cute. How old is he? 166 00:07:00,709 --> 00:07:03,834 Well, he's a third-generation clone, 167 00:07:03,918 --> 00:07:06,376 so technically, we've had him for 30 years. 168 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,459 But this one is eight. 169 00:07:08,543 --> 00:07:12,501 On your walks, don't crowd him. He will not make if he can sense you. 170 00:07:12,584 --> 00:07:14,376 Goodbye, baby. 171 00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:16,376 Come on, yes. 172 00:07:16,459 --> 00:07:17,876 [Daniel winces] 173 00:07:19,626 --> 00:07:20,918 [Gideon] Okay, thanks to Diane, 174 00:07:21,001 --> 00:07:23,168 during the break, I had to go and purchase this buzzer, 175 00:07:23,251 --> 00:07:27,084 which I will now use whenever anybody makes an inappropriate comment. 176 00:07:27,168 --> 00:07:30,668 [chuckles] Not my fault our company motto rhymes with "breast." 177 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:31,584 Laugh it up, 178 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:34,834 but if you don't learn this, you will fail the test. 179 00:07:34,918 --> 00:07:36,001 Now, focus. 180 00:07:36,084 --> 00:07:38,668 -Okay, Hitler. I can't say Hitler? -[buzzing] 181 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,334 -What if I say Hitler was a bad guy? -[buzz] 182 00:07:41,418 --> 00:07:44,001 Oh my God, Gideon thinks Hitler is a good guy. 183 00:07:44,084 --> 00:07:45,876 That's so fucked up! 184 00:07:45,959 --> 00:07:47,584 -[buzzing] -[Gideon groans] 185 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,918 Moving on… 186 00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:51,626 We're gonna go over to the video component of the training, 187 00:07:51,709 --> 00:07:56,626 where you'll be guided through an in-depth look at the BO rules. 188 00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:57,543 [buzz] 189 00:07:59,709 --> 00:08:01,751 [jaunty music playing] 190 00:08:02,251 --> 00:08:03,126 'Sup, homies? 191 00:08:03,209 --> 00:08:05,334 It's your boy, Jerry Ferrara. 192 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,668 We're doin' HR over here. 193 00:08:07,751 --> 00:08:09,376 Who the hell is this? 194 00:08:09,459 --> 00:08:11,751 He's Turtle from Entourage. 195 00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:16,834 Mr. Ferrara happens to be a major shareholder in our parent company. 196 00:08:16,918 --> 00:08:19,668 For Sbarro corporate training, please skip to chapter eight. 197 00:08:19,751 --> 00:08:22,668 For Borough corporate training, please skip to chapter two. 198 00:08:22,751 --> 00:08:24,168 For Monsanto corporate-- 199 00:08:24,251 --> 00:08:26,543 ♪ Hey, Borough folk Haven't you heard? ♪ 200 00:08:26,626 --> 00:08:29,126 ♪ I'm here to talk C.R.E.S.T. It's a company word ♪ 201 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,501 Why is he rapping? 202 00:08:30,584 --> 00:08:32,209 That is not rapping. 203 00:08:32,293 --> 00:08:34,751 ♪ First up is a concept That's dear to me ♪ 204 00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:37,084 ♪ You know I be Talkin' 'bout consistency ♪ 205 00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:38,709 Uh, Gideon? 206 00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:42,251 What's the company policy on blowing my fuckin' brains out? 207 00:08:42,334 --> 00:08:43,251 [buzzing] 208 00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:50,001 -Good make, Fitzgerald. Good make. Yes. -[growls] 209 00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:52,501 Oh no, I forgot to bring poop bags. 210 00:08:52,584 --> 00:08:55,584 -Mmm! Beautiful Italian greyhound. -Oh, thanks. 211 00:08:56,501 --> 00:08:58,459 Hey, would you mind watching him for one second 212 00:08:58,543 --> 00:09:00,668 while I just go get a plastic bag? 213 00:09:00,751 --> 00:09:03,418 -My pleasure, handsome. -Okay. 214 00:09:04,626 --> 00:09:06,876 Excuse me, do you have, like, a little bag? 215 00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,293 We have a Thai silk gift tote. 216 00:09:09,376 --> 00:09:11,209 It's $53. 217 00:09:11,293 --> 00:09:13,959 Oh, no, just like a plastic baggie. 218 00:09:14,043 --> 00:09:15,834 My dog just made out front. 219 00:09:16,751 --> 00:09:17,626 What dog? 220 00:09:18,168 --> 00:09:19,251 Fitzy! 221 00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:21,834 I mean, Fitzgerald! 222 00:09:24,084 --> 00:09:25,793 Oh, come on! 223 00:09:28,793 --> 00:09:32,334 Well, well, well, look who came crawling back. 224 00:09:32,418 --> 00:09:33,751 Kurt Kosinski. 225 00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,834 Relax, Diane. I'm not here for you. 226 00:09:35,918 --> 00:09:39,334 Daniel called me, for some reason, to report a missing dog. 227 00:09:39,418 --> 00:09:41,626 I tried 911, but they just laughed at me. 228 00:09:41,709 --> 00:09:45,459 Okay, so, white guy stole dog. All right, I got all the info I need. 229 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,209 What are the chances we find him? 230 00:09:47,293 --> 00:09:48,209 Very good, 231 00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:52,043 provided he flies out of the city's second-largest airport while I'm on duty. 232 00:09:52,126 --> 00:09:54,043 Oh, and he better not be a therapy dog, 233 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:57,168 because legally, I can't question that. Good to see you, Di. 234 00:09:57,251 --> 00:10:00,918 Holy hell. Sounds like this day sucked for the both of us, kid. 235 00:10:02,126 --> 00:10:03,459 [phone chimes, buzzes] 236 00:10:03,543 --> 00:10:05,459 [Bonnie] OMG, your old recorder. 237 00:10:05,543 --> 00:10:06,668 Keep, right? 238 00:10:06,751 --> 00:10:09,709 -Ugh! My mom won't stop with these texts. -[belches] 239 00:10:09,793 --> 00:10:11,209 Poor little Fitzy's missing, 240 00:10:11,293 --> 00:10:14,418 and the company's saying I owe $3,500 in damages, 241 00:10:14,501 --> 00:10:17,001 which I can't pay because I don't have a job! 242 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:20,168 [panting] I think I'm having heart palpitations. 243 00:10:20,251 --> 00:10:22,251 [panting] 244 00:10:22,334 --> 00:10:24,959 Oh, that's pure grease! [groans] 245 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:26,793 Oh, sweetie. 246 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,501 It's time to stop listenin' to your mom and start listenin' to me. 247 00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:34,209 You want a real job in this city? I'm sending you to the Petes. 248 00:10:34,293 --> 00:10:36,418 Fine, I'll do whatever it takes. 249 00:10:36,501 --> 00:10:38,459 -Okay, here's what you do. -[cool jazz playing] 250 00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:40,501 You're gonna get on the Blue Line. 251 00:10:40,584 --> 00:10:42,876 If you see a man screaming in passengers' faces, 252 00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:44,126 don't worry, that's Al. 253 00:10:44,209 --> 00:10:45,709 He's goin' through some stuff. 254 00:10:45,793 --> 00:10:47,168 You're on the right train. 255 00:10:47,251 --> 00:10:50,793 At Ashland Avenue, you're gonna transfer to the 24 bus. 256 00:10:50,876 --> 00:10:54,209 Tell Randy the driver you're my nephew. He won't charge you the fare. 257 00:10:54,293 --> 00:10:56,709 Free fare? Diane owes me money! 258 00:10:56,793 --> 00:10:58,293 [music continues] 259 00:10:58,376 --> 00:11:00,126 When you get off the bus at Bryn Mawr, 260 00:11:00,209 --> 00:11:02,918 you're gonna be in front of Gus's beef stand, 'kay? 261 00:11:03,001 --> 00:11:05,918 Get two beefs, dipped, half-sweet, half giardiniera. 262 00:11:06,001 --> 00:11:07,209 [Daniel] I can't eat two beefs. 263 00:11:07,293 --> 00:11:09,876 [Diane] Pay attention! You'll walk 50 yards. 264 00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:12,668 Then you'll see a chain-link fence. Climb it. 265 00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:14,168 Now, if the dogs are awake, 266 00:11:14,251 --> 00:11:16,251 which they will be because they're on Adderall, 267 00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:17,959 start running to the front door. 268 00:11:18,043 --> 00:11:20,334 -[barking] -Throw both sandwiches behind your back. 269 00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:23,834 That should give you time to climb the second fence. 270 00:11:23,918 --> 00:11:25,418 [Daniel] Why is there a second fence? 271 00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:27,418 [Diane] And that should arrive you 272 00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:31,001 squarely at the feet, and clubfeet, of the Petes. 273 00:11:31,084 --> 00:11:32,501 Diane sent me. 274 00:11:32,584 --> 00:11:34,543 Why didn't you just use the front door? 275 00:11:34,626 --> 00:11:36,459 [music ends in crescendo] 276 00:11:37,543 --> 00:11:39,751 So how do you like it? 277 00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,709 You're the pro. I'm in your hands. 278 00:11:41,793 --> 00:11:43,959 I wish I was in your hands. 279 00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:46,751 Look at those paws. What are ya, a carpenter? 280 00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:50,793 No, carpentry is just a hobby. I'm actually a firefighter. 281 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,376 [moans] A-gush! 282 00:11:53,876 --> 00:11:56,001 Back room now! 283 00:11:56,084 --> 00:11:57,209 [buzzing] 284 00:11:57,293 --> 00:12:00,376 Diane, you just broke every single rule in 12 seconds. 285 00:12:00,459 --> 00:12:02,959 Gideon, not now. I'm about to fuck this fireman. 286 00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:05,376 This man is a hired actor. 287 00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:09,376 You knew this, Diane! He's been role-playing all morning. 288 00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:11,043 You're an actor? 289 00:12:11,126 --> 00:12:13,626 I also played a coma victim on Chicago Med. 290 00:12:13,709 --> 00:12:16,126 [moans] A-double gush! 291 00:12:16,209 --> 00:12:19,126 Okay, this is entrapment. I got witnesses. 292 00:12:19,209 --> 00:12:21,459 -[buzzer splutters] -You wore out the batteries. 293 00:12:21,543 --> 00:12:23,168 But you know what? I'm done caring. 294 00:12:23,251 --> 00:12:25,876 Because after you bomb this test tomorrow, 295 00:12:25,959 --> 00:12:29,793 I will never have to deal with you again. Goodbye. 296 00:12:32,459 --> 00:12:34,584 Um, do you know how much longer this is gonna take? 297 00:12:34,668 --> 00:12:36,668 I have an improv class I have to get to. 298 00:12:36,751 --> 00:12:39,709 Aw, sad gush. 299 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:42,001 [slamming into window, snarling] 300 00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:44,793 So, no college education, perfect. 301 00:12:44,876 --> 00:12:47,293 -What are your priors? -My prior employment? 302 00:12:47,376 --> 00:12:50,918 Your prior offenses. You know, crimes that you committed. 303 00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:53,084 Uh, I never committed any crimes. 304 00:12:53,168 --> 00:12:54,334 [both laughing] 305 00:12:54,418 --> 00:12:55,459 -Same. -Good one. 306 00:12:55,543 --> 00:12:56,834 -Clean as a whistle. -Me too. 307 00:12:56,918 --> 00:12:58,168 -I like this kid. -Me too. 308 00:12:58,251 --> 00:13:00,459 Well, good news, ya got the job. 309 00:13:00,543 --> 00:13:03,084 -Really? That's so great. -[slamming into window, snarling] 310 00:13:03,168 --> 00:13:04,209 One question. 311 00:13:04,293 --> 00:13:06,209 Will the dogs be chasing me every day? 312 00:13:06,293 --> 00:13:08,543 Oh, you won't be working here. 313 00:13:08,626 --> 00:13:11,334 -[hard blues playing] -[Little Pete] The city pumping plant. 314 00:13:11,418 --> 00:13:14,251 That baby is where all the lake water gets filtered 315 00:13:14,334 --> 00:13:15,668 so it's drinkable. 316 00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:16,876 Fully automated, 317 00:13:16,959 --> 00:13:19,584 but a few lucky individuals get to maintenance it. 318 00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,876 It's hard work, but it's rewarding. 319 00:13:21,959 --> 00:13:24,876 As long as I don't have to clean up dog poop, I'm in. 320 00:13:24,959 --> 00:13:27,126 [laughs] No dog poop here. 321 00:13:27,793 --> 00:13:30,834 Bird poop, yes. That's the entire job. 322 00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:33,876 Everything you'll need is in here. Calcium nitrate. 323 00:13:33,959 --> 00:13:37,209 Be careful. This stuff is very flammable. 324 00:13:37,293 --> 00:13:38,876 -[Daniel groans] -A scrub brush. 325 00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:41,584 Uh, oh, mask for the smell, if you want. 326 00:13:41,668 --> 00:13:43,793 Personally, I kinda like it. 327 00:13:43,876 --> 00:13:46,001 The heavy droppings come in post-dinner. 328 00:13:46,084 --> 00:13:49,084 Also, this week is Bread Fest on the Lakefront. 329 00:13:49,168 --> 00:13:51,043 It's pretty brutal. Let's see. 330 00:13:51,126 --> 00:13:52,876 -[phone chimes, buzzes] -What else? 331 00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:54,876 [Bonnie] Saving these till I hear otherwise. 332 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:55,793 [caws] 333 00:13:56,376 --> 00:13:59,668 Oh, yeah, don't wear or handle anything shiny. 334 00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,501 The birds will attack it. 335 00:14:01,584 --> 00:14:04,251 It's mating season, and the males are very aggressive, 336 00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:06,751 but not nearly as aggressive as the females. 337 00:14:06,834 --> 00:14:08,043 Happy scrapin'! 338 00:14:08,126 --> 00:14:10,834 I'll try to be back here at 9:00 p.m. to pick ya up. 339 00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,543 I work till 9:00? 340 00:14:12,626 --> 00:14:13,543 At least! 341 00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:18,626 Stupid Gideon thinks I can't pass a test. 342 00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:20,751 All I do is pass tests. 343 00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:23,543 I passed my drug test high, my driving test drunk, 344 00:14:23,626 --> 00:14:26,459 and I passed my pregnancy test drunk and high. 345 00:14:28,918 --> 00:14:31,334 Oh my God, you reek. 346 00:14:31,418 --> 00:14:35,001 Yeah, because the job you got me is a literal shit show. 347 00:14:35,084 --> 00:14:36,334 And I don't mean "literal" 348 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,793 in the way my generation constantly uses it wrong. 349 00:14:38,876 --> 00:14:41,251 -[phone rings] -Ooh, home phone! 350 00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:43,584 That's only for booty calls and creditors. 351 00:14:44,668 --> 00:14:45,584 [clears throat] 352 00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:48,001 Hello, this might be Diane. 353 00:14:48,084 --> 00:14:49,209 [Bonnie] Daniel? 354 00:14:49,293 --> 00:14:50,959 Gross, it's your mom. 355 00:14:52,209 --> 00:14:54,418 I haven't heard from you in a day and a half. 356 00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:56,668 I can't clean your room unless you tell me what to keep. 357 00:14:56,751 --> 00:14:59,459 Also, you never told me, how did the dog walking go? 358 00:14:59,543 --> 00:15:02,418 I can't deal with this right now. Just get rid of all my stuff. 359 00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,418 -But what about your-- -It's all junk. I don't need it. 360 00:15:06,543 --> 00:15:07,459 All cleared out? 361 00:15:07,543 --> 00:15:10,626 -We ready to roll the old girl in? -[gasps] You too? 362 00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:13,168 All the men in this family are attacking me today! 363 00:15:13,709 --> 00:15:15,084 Daniel's old gym shorts. 364 00:15:15,168 --> 00:15:16,751 I bet I can squeeze into these. 365 00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:18,376 -Dude. -Bro? 366 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,126 -Bro? -Dude? 367 00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:21,459 -Money! -Money! 368 00:15:21,543 --> 00:15:23,418 Shoot, shoot, shoot, I overslept! 369 00:15:23,501 --> 00:15:24,668 I didn't sleep at all. 370 00:15:24,751 --> 00:15:27,376 I bang-watched all eight seasons of Entourage. 371 00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:29,459 This show rocks! 372 00:15:29,543 --> 00:15:31,376 Weren't you supposed to be studying? 373 00:15:31,459 --> 00:15:35,126 Oh, I'll be fine. I got a plan and a backup plan. 374 00:15:35,209 --> 00:15:36,459 Speaking of backups, 375 00:15:36,543 --> 00:15:37,876 take my old cell phone. 376 00:15:37,959 --> 00:15:39,418 [grunts, thuds] 377 00:15:40,168 --> 00:15:43,209 You need a phone, and I don't want your mom cloggin' up my landline. 378 00:15:43,293 --> 00:15:47,126 A full charge on that bad boy will give you one minute of talk time. 379 00:15:47,209 --> 00:15:48,793 Thanks, I guess? 380 00:15:50,001 --> 00:15:51,876 Oh, and if Jerry Springer calls, 381 00:15:51,959 --> 00:15:54,084 tell him I'm not goin' back on the show! 382 00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:56,168 [seagulls cawing] 383 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,668 Hey, there's a virus goin' around. 384 00:16:01,751 --> 00:16:03,751 All the birds have diarrhea. 385 00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:05,793 Isn't all bird poop diarrhea? 386 00:16:05,876 --> 00:16:08,751 [laughs] This kid's funny. 387 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,834 [electricity humming, crackling] 388 00:16:13,543 --> 00:16:14,709 [tense music playing] 389 00:16:14,793 --> 00:16:17,334 Five minutes left, ladies. 390 00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,168 Oops, my pencil. 391 00:16:30,084 --> 00:16:32,293 Diane, you are clearly cheatin'. 392 00:16:32,376 --> 00:16:33,751 Fuck, my plan! 393 00:16:36,918 --> 00:16:38,376 [phone ringing, buzzing] 394 00:16:39,459 --> 00:16:41,418 Pick up, it's me. 395 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,584 Okay, now I got to take your phone. 396 00:16:43,668 --> 00:16:45,209 Fuck, my backup plan! 397 00:16:45,293 --> 00:16:47,043 I have no part in this. 398 00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:49,126 [rock music plays] 399 00:16:52,584 --> 00:16:54,793 That wasn't even shiny. 400 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,043 Holy hell. 401 00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:03,501 …and Fitzy was returned safe to his owner, 402 00:17:03,584 --> 00:17:07,251 who made a point of telling us she did not get Botox. 403 00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:08,918 Coming up, a check of the weather. 404 00:17:09,001 --> 00:17:12,918 And also, do squirrels increase your property value… 405 00:17:14,459 --> 00:17:15,293 [Mark grunts] 406 00:17:15,876 --> 00:17:17,334 -Mark, what is that? -Nothing. 407 00:17:17,418 --> 00:17:19,959 Come here. That's Daniel's stuff, isn't it? 408 00:17:20,043 --> 00:17:22,293 I just thought I'd get it started for ya. 409 00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:24,876 I have a system! I have piles! 410 00:17:24,959 --> 00:17:27,418 Why is everyone in such a rush to move on? 411 00:17:27,501 --> 00:17:28,918 Am I being crazy? 412 00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:30,584 [gasps, inhales deeply] 413 00:17:30,668 --> 00:17:34,001 Honey, that's not a question I should answer. 414 00:17:34,501 --> 00:17:36,709 [chuckles] I miss him, Mark. 415 00:17:36,793 --> 00:17:38,626 Well, this is hard for me too, 416 00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,543 but we need to let go a little. 417 00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,584 Daniel's gonna be fine, okay? 418 00:17:42,668 --> 00:17:45,043 -[dramatic music] -Breaking news from the Lakefront. 419 00:17:45,126 --> 00:17:49,001 A massive blaze has engulfed the city's water processing plant. 420 00:17:49,084 --> 00:17:51,334 Rescue boats are unable to reach the island 421 00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:54,001 due to record-breaking riptides. 422 00:17:54,084 --> 00:17:55,543 Uh, I'm sor-- 423 00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:57,834 Yes, okay. We've just received the name 424 00:17:57,918 --> 00:17:59,959 of the one employee trapped at the facility, 425 00:18:00,043 --> 00:18:02,876 recent Stanford dropout, Daniel Whiddington. 426 00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:03,918 [gasps] 427 00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:05,793 I told you I wasn't crazy! 428 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,334 Mark, get off the ground. Our baby needs us! 429 00:18:09,418 --> 00:18:11,418 [tense music playing] 430 00:18:19,959 --> 00:18:22,959 [tinny pop music ring tone playing] 431 00:18:23,918 --> 00:18:28,959 Ugh. Diane, you have eight missed calls from "Dumb Be-Yatch"? 432 00:18:29,043 --> 00:18:31,459 Oh, that's my sister. Gimme that. 433 00:18:32,626 --> 00:18:33,918 -Bonnie? -Goddamn it! 434 00:18:34,001 --> 00:18:36,584 Daniel! Fire! No rescue boats! 435 00:18:36,668 --> 00:18:38,959 -Fucking riptide! -I'm on it! 436 00:18:39,043 --> 00:18:41,293 Diane, this test is only half filled out. 437 00:18:41,376 --> 00:18:43,668 You leave now, you don't come back. 438 00:18:43,751 --> 00:18:44,918 Oh my God, Gideon! 439 00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:47,834 I didn't memorize the stupid BO rules, okay? 440 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:48,751 Ya got me. 441 00:18:48,834 --> 00:18:51,209 But what I do know is my own set of rules, 442 00:18:51,293 --> 00:18:53,251 and they've served me just fine. 443 00:18:53,334 --> 00:18:55,626 My clients can always depend on me. 444 00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:57,959 Technically, that's consistency. 445 00:18:58,043 --> 00:19:00,126 And I never treat them like they're jagoffs, 446 00:19:00,209 --> 00:19:02,043 even when they're acting like jagoffs. 447 00:19:02,126 --> 00:19:02,959 That's respect. 448 00:19:03,043 --> 00:19:05,709 I eat my lunch on the john, so I take half the breaks. 449 00:19:05,793 --> 00:19:06,709 That's efficiency. 450 00:19:06,793 --> 00:19:10,126 I stick to light beer when I'm working, so I never get sloppy. 451 00:19:10,209 --> 00:19:12,043 Uh, safety? 452 00:19:12,126 --> 00:19:14,043 And my coworkers have my back, 453 00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:16,334 and I have theirs 'cause they're like family. 454 00:19:16,418 --> 00:19:17,293 -Teamwork. -Family-- 455 00:19:17,376 --> 00:19:18,584 I mean, teamwork. 456 00:19:18,668 --> 00:19:21,543 But you know who else is like family? My family! 457 00:19:21,626 --> 00:19:24,793 And right now, they need me, so I'm gonna go to them. 458 00:19:24,876 --> 00:19:28,043 And if that's not good enough for you and Turtle from Entourage, 459 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:32,209 then you can borough your lips in my ass and kiss it! 460 00:19:34,418 --> 00:19:36,001 Fine, she passes. 461 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:37,959 Mm-mm-mmm. 462 00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:40,543 To be a white woman in America. 463 00:19:40,626 --> 00:19:42,168 -[sirens wailing] -Oh! 464 00:19:43,251 --> 00:19:44,668 [Daniel panting, grunting] 465 00:19:46,918 --> 00:19:48,793 -[seagulls cawing] -Ugh! 466 00:19:50,793 --> 00:19:52,918 My God, Mark, do something! 467 00:19:53,709 --> 00:19:55,959 -[shrinking sound] -Oh my God! It's ice-cold! 468 00:19:56,668 --> 00:19:58,959 Please, God, don't let me die. 469 00:19:59,043 --> 00:20:00,376 [gagging] 470 00:20:00,459 --> 00:20:02,751 Oh God, please kill me. 471 00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,584 [Diane] Daniel, I'm frickin' here for ya! 472 00:20:06,668 --> 00:20:10,084 [to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] ♪ Apocalypse now! Apocalypse now! ♪ 473 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:13,626 ♪ Apocalypse now! Apocalypse now! ♪ 474 00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:15,334 It's right in my ear! 475 00:20:15,418 --> 00:20:17,043 Skilling, drop us down! 476 00:20:17,126 --> 00:20:18,584 Ten-four, Diane! 477 00:20:19,626 --> 00:20:22,126 Daniel, grab my hand! 478 00:20:22,209 --> 00:20:25,418 [heavy metal version of "Ride of the Valkyries" plays] 479 00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:31,126 -[feedback whines] -[grunts] Goddamn it! My bad! 480 00:20:31,209 --> 00:20:32,959 -A little help, Tom? -On it! 481 00:20:33,709 --> 00:20:36,459 Wow! Did I call it, or what? 482 00:20:36,543 --> 00:20:38,751 Look at those riptides! Gorgeous! 483 00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:41,001 -[Diane] Skilling! -Sorry! Here you go. 484 00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:46,751 Oh my God! Thank you, Aunt Diane! 485 00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:48,168 I gotcha, sweetie. 486 00:20:48,251 --> 00:20:52,376 This isn't the first time Diane's given a happy ending on Lake Michigan. 487 00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:55,543 -[Skilling, Diane laugh] -[Diane] Tom, you son of a bitch. 488 00:20:56,376 --> 00:20:57,751 [crowd clamoring, cheering] 489 00:20:57,834 --> 00:20:58,918 Mom. Dad. 490 00:20:59,001 --> 00:21:02,043 Oh! My baby! I was so worried! 491 00:21:02,126 --> 00:21:04,876 Um, you're welcome for saving his life. 492 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:05,918 You! 493 00:21:06,001 --> 00:21:08,251 Daniel wouldn't be in this situation 494 00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:11,209 if you didn't get him this insanely dangerous job. 495 00:21:11,293 --> 00:21:15,084 Me? He only took this job because the one you got him sucked. 496 00:21:15,168 --> 00:21:16,501 This is your fault. 497 00:21:16,584 --> 00:21:18,126 Mark, hold my earrings. 498 00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:20,334 Mark, hold my belly-button ring. 499 00:21:20,418 --> 00:21:22,043 Oh my God, it stinks. 500 00:21:22,126 --> 00:21:23,543 Stop, all of you! 501 00:21:23,626 --> 00:21:25,043 This is my life! 502 00:21:25,126 --> 00:21:28,459 And I'm gonna make mistakes, but I want them to be my mistakes! 503 00:21:28,543 --> 00:21:29,959 And I'm sorry I'm yelling, 504 00:21:30,043 --> 00:21:33,668 but I have so much adrenaline pumping through my body! [shuddering gasp] 505 00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:36,793 You're my mom, and I'll always need you, 506 00:21:36,876 --> 00:21:39,001 but I need some distance, so ease up on me. 507 00:21:39,084 --> 00:21:42,584 -[Diane] Yeah, totally! -And you, you're not just my aunt, 508 00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:45,626 you're also, sadly, my best friend. 509 00:21:45,709 --> 00:21:46,626 Aw. 510 00:21:46,709 --> 00:21:49,293 So, I need you to back up my choices sometimes. 511 00:21:49,793 --> 00:21:52,168 Tomorrow, I'm applying for that job at Kreativ Jus, 512 00:21:52,251 --> 00:21:53,918 like I wanted to to begin with. 513 00:21:54,001 --> 00:21:56,834 I will be fine. I can take care of myself. 514 00:21:58,251 --> 00:22:00,709 -[whispers] Dad, I can see your scrotum. -Oh! 515 00:22:00,793 --> 00:22:03,418 Did you hear that? Best friend! 516 00:22:03,501 --> 00:22:05,293 He did say, "Sadly." 517 00:22:05,376 --> 00:22:07,709 Just keep an eye on him, okay? 518 00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:09,793 He's fine. No one died-- 519 00:22:11,793 --> 00:22:14,209 That fuckin' rocked! 520 00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:18,168 Okay, I'll keep a closer eye on him. 521 00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:23,376 I have a razzy spazzy for "Tits McGee"? 522 00:22:23,459 --> 00:22:24,459 [laughs] 523 00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:26,168 Hi, Aunt Diane. 524 00:22:26,251 --> 00:22:28,293 I'm your wellness collaborator. 525 00:22:28,376 --> 00:22:31,084 Can I add a shot to enhance your vitality? 526 00:22:31,168 --> 00:22:34,293 No, thanks, honey. I brought my own. [gasps] 527 00:22:34,793 --> 00:22:37,793 Oh, your ma came by and dropped off a new phone for ya. 528 00:22:38,668 --> 00:22:41,209 [Bonnie] Do you recognize your old room? 529 00:22:42,334 --> 00:22:44,501 That's not where Pugs Bunny sleeps. 530 00:22:44,584 --> 00:22:46,751 You know, this place is all right. 531 00:22:46,834 --> 00:22:48,918 I could see myself hangin' around here. 532 00:22:49,001 --> 00:22:52,209 Comfy couch! That thing pull out? 533 00:22:52,293 --> 00:22:53,584 Don't you have work? 534 00:22:53,668 --> 00:22:54,543 [Diane snoring] 535 00:22:56,501 --> 00:22:58,168 [patron] Underwear! Oh my God! 536 00:22:58,751 --> 00:23:00,751 [closing theme music playing]