1 00:00:06,501 --> 00:00:07,709 [neon buzzing] 2 00:00:10,126 --> 00:00:11,751 [energetic rock music playing] 3 00:00:11,834 --> 00:00:14,043 [woman] There is no city on God's green earth 4 00:00:14,126 --> 00:00:16,501 that rocks harder than Chicago, Illinois. 5 00:00:17,001 --> 00:00:19,584 The legends from this city are so badass, 6 00:00:19,668 --> 00:00:21,501 they only need one name: 7 00:00:21,584 --> 00:00:24,168 Oprah, Ditka, Bozo. 8 00:00:24,668 --> 00:00:27,084 And me, Diane. 9 00:00:27,168 --> 00:00:30,293 You know how they call Chicago the city of broad shoulders? 10 00:00:30,876 --> 00:00:33,293 Well, I'm the broad. 11 00:00:33,376 --> 00:00:36,501 Just like me, this city has been through some shit, 12 00:00:36,584 --> 00:00:39,918 but it always finds a way to bounce back, baby. 13 00:00:40,001 --> 00:00:41,501 Like in 1871, 14 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:44,043 when the whole damn place burned to the ground. 15 00:00:44,126 --> 00:00:45,834 We didn't cry about it. 16 00:00:45,918 --> 00:00:48,209 We built that bitch right back up. 17 00:00:48,876 --> 00:00:50,334 Then there was Prohibition. 18 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,209 When the country said you can't drink, 19 00:00:52,293 --> 00:00:55,584 we said, "Eff dat. Make it a double." 20 00:00:55,668 --> 00:00:57,293 'Cause in Chicago… [gulps] 21 00:00:57,376 --> 00:00:59,959 …we do things big, baby. 22 00:01:00,043 --> 00:01:02,668 In fact, Chicago does things so big, 23 00:01:02,751 --> 00:01:05,501 our parties are whole frickin' neighborhoods, 24 00:01:05,584 --> 00:01:09,543 and I live in the best one: Wrigleyville. 25 00:01:09,626 --> 00:01:11,293 Where you can let your hair down, 26 00:01:11,376 --> 00:01:12,543 and when you gotta yak, 27 00:01:12,626 --> 00:01:14,876 there's always someone to hold it back for ya. 28 00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:18,668 Me! And I'm gonna party my tits off! 29 00:01:18,751 --> 00:01:20,584 [people chanting] Diane! Diane! 30 00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:22,584 Diane! Diane! 31 00:01:22,668 --> 00:01:24,584 -[man] Diane! Diane! -Diane! Diane! 32 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,793 [man] Diane! Diane! 33 00:01:26,876 --> 00:01:28,168 -[Diane snores] -Wake up! 34 00:01:28,251 --> 00:01:31,793 [yelps] Damn it, Kurt, you woke me up mid-party dream. 35 00:01:31,876 --> 00:01:33,084 That's dangerous. 36 00:01:33,168 --> 00:01:36,418 Jesus, Di. I don't know what you got into last night, 37 00:01:36,501 --> 00:01:38,876 but you came home and drank the bottle of brandy 38 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:40,543 my dad had with him on D-Day. 39 00:01:40,626 --> 00:01:43,501 Then you forgot to close the window after you had a smoke, 40 00:01:43,584 --> 00:01:45,168 and Butkus almost fell out. 41 00:01:45,251 --> 00:01:47,584 You're not even supposed to have that as a pet. 42 00:01:47,668 --> 00:01:50,209 He was in the Reptile Lost and Found. 43 00:01:50,293 --> 00:01:53,459 Poor guy had 18 condoms of heroin in his little belly. 44 00:01:53,543 --> 00:01:56,126 Big whoop, we've all been to Mexico. 45 00:01:56,209 --> 00:01:58,876 Why are you so angry today? You havin' a 'roid flare-up? 46 00:02:00,001 --> 00:02:02,709 Diane, yesterday was our anniversary. 47 00:02:02,793 --> 00:02:04,376 Uh, no doy. 48 00:02:04,459 --> 00:02:07,251 That's why I got you… 49 00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:08,334 Al's Beef! 50 00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:10,543 You ate it all. 51 00:02:10,626 --> 00:02:12,793 There's a couple of fries in the bag. 52 00:02:12,876 --> 00:02:14,084 I don't want bag fries. 53 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:18,543 I want my wife to remember the anniversary of the second time we got married. 54 00:02:18,626 --> 00:02:23,418 [sighs] Be Zen. Phil Jackson, Phil Jackson. [exhales] 55 00:02:23,876 --> 00:02:26,834 Diane, I'm getting too old to live like this. 56 00:02:26,918 --> 00:02:29,626 Based on my family history and cholesterol level, 57 00:02:29,709 --> 00:02:31,293 I'm gonna die five years ago. 58 00:02:31,376 --> 00:02:34,084 Come on, Kurt, we do this all the time. 59 00:02:34,168 --> 00:02:36,209 You get mad, say you're gonna leave, 60 00:02:36,293 --> 00:02:39,501 then we angry 69, and it's all good. 61 00:02:39,584 --> 00:02:42,543 So let's unpack that duffel, grab some wet wipes, and-- 62 00:02:42,626 --> 00:02:44,501 Not this time. I'm done. 63 00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,834 This isn't Jordan leaving in '93. 64 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:51,168 It's Jordan leaving in '98. 65 00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:54,001 Good luck doing better than this! 66 00:02:54,084 --> 00:02:54,918 [gasps] 67 00:02:56,793 --> 00:03:00,126 [Diane] Gettin' dumped is the worst way to start off a Monday. 68 00:03:00,209 --> 00:03:02,293 Monday? Oh shit, it's Tuesday. 69 00:03:02,376 --> 00:03:03,751 It's my nephew's birthday. 70 00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:08,668 Happy birthday, sweetie. Whassup? 71 00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,668 -Hi, Aunt Diane. -Say it. 72 00:03:10,751 --> 00:03:12,668 -I can't talk. -Say it. 73 00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:15,084 Whassup? 74 00:03:15,168 --> 00:03:16,959 You're finally 18! 75 00:03:17,043 --> 00:03:19,001 You know what I was doing when I was 18? 76 00:03:19,084 --> 00:03:20,834 Jim Belushi. Ugh. 77 00:03:20,918 --> 00:03:23,376 Played his goddamn harmonica the whole time. 78 00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:26,001 Aunt Diane, I can't really talk-- 79 00:03:26,084 --> 00:03:27,834 Hey, no phones during dodgeball. 80 00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,001 Can I pick the janitor? 81 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:31,959 No, you gotta pick Daniel. 82 00:03:32,043 --> 00:03:33,251 Thank you, Barack Obama. 83 00:03:33,334 --> 00:03:35,084 Okay, love you, sweetie. 84 00:03:37,668 --> 00:03:38,584 What the hell? 85 00:03:41,418 --> 00:03:43,876 -[bell jingles] -Hey, where's Stavros? 86 00:03:44,709 --> 00:03:45,918 I beg your pardon? 87 00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:46,834 Stavros. 88 00:03:46,918 --> 00:03:50,209 Little Greek guy, unibrow, owns the coffee place next door. 89 00:03:50,293 --> 00:03:52,293 Oh, we just bought that building. 90 00:03:52,376 --> 00:03:54,084 Kreativ Jus is expanding. 91 00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:57,543 By the way, I'm Feather, one of the wellness collaborators. 92 00:03:59,793 --> 00:04:01,543 Yeah, hi. Where's your alkaline water? 93 00:04:01,626 --> 00:04:02,793 By the chia seeds. 94 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,251 If you hit the celery milk, you've gone too far. 95 00:04:05,334 --> 00:04:07,459 [chuckles] You know what I drink, sweetie? 96 00:04:07,543 --> 00:04:10,126 Hose water, straight from Lake Michigan. 97 00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:13,251 Lake Michigan has extremely high levels of E. coli. 98 00:04:13,334 --> 00:04:15,959 Don't be afraid of a little diarrhea, honey. 99 00:04:16,043 --> 00:04:18,543 Keeps you slim. Not that you gotta worry about it. 100 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,876 Sweet Christ, you are tight. 101 00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:22,168 Anyhoo, Feather, 102 00:04:22,251 --> 00:04:25,543 give me an extra-large half coffee, half cream, half Splendas 103 00:04:25,626 --> 00:04:27,543 with crushed-up Excedrin on the rim. 104 00:04:27,626 --> 00:04:30,376 It sounds like you're worried about inflammation. 105 00:04:30,459 --> 00:04:33,001 Can I interest you in a CBD latte? 106 00:04:33,084 --> 00:04:35,834 Reefer that don't get you high? Go scratch. 107 00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:40,293 Girls, stop what you're doin'. 108 00:04:40,376 --> 00:04:42,751 I need a Diane day. Kurt left me. 109 00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,834 No. The day after y'all anniversary? 110 00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:47,084 I know. What a jagbag. 111 00:04:47,168 --> 00:04:49,126 Don't you do the mutual oral sex? 112 00:04:49,209 --> 00:04:52,876 -And then the fight is over, right? -Like I didn't try that, Zuzana. 113 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,584 I'm canceling all my appointment. 114 00:04:54,668 --> 00:04:57,126 Tina, get out your tarot cards. I need a reading. 115 00:04:57,209 --> 00:05:00,209 Zuzs, take off your Crocs. You're walkin' on my back. 116 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,001 Anyway, we got a score? 117 00:05:03,084 --> 00:05:04,668 -[static] -Oh shit, cable's out. 118 00:05:04,751 --> 00:05:07,293 Zuzana, keep your Crocs on. You're goin' to the roof. 119 00:05:07,376 --> 00:05:10,501 Diane, Diane, the new manager said no more Cubs games at work. 120 00:05:10,584 --> 00:05:12,876 Oh, the new manager. 121 00:05:12,959 --> 00:05:15,168 You mean Mr. Fancy Pants from New York, 122 00:05:15,251 --> 00:05:18,543 with his skinny little pizzas and his big, fat bagels? 123 00:05:18,626 --> 00:05:20,543 Well, when New Dork Shitty gets here, 124 00:05:20,626 --> 00:05:25,043 I'm gonna remind him that this is Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips. 125 00:05:25,126 --> 00:05:28,959 We were built on Chicago sports and the haircuts that defined 'em. 126 00:05:29,043 --> 00:05:31,459 And in this place, on that screen, 127 00:05:31,543 --> 00:05:33,251 when the Cubs are playin', 128 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:36,418 we watch 'em fuckin' play. 129 00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:40,126 Diane, Gideon, our new manager. 130 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:44,751 Just got in from, how did you put it, New Dork Shitty? 131 00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:45,959 [chuckles] 132 00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:47,584 Anyhoo, let's open up. 133 00:05:47,668 --> 00:05:50,168 We did, 45 minutes ago. 134 00:05:51,293 --> 00:05:53,334 Great. What'd I miss? 135 00:05:53,418 --> 00:05:57,293 Well, I was telling Tina and Zuzana about the big renovation. 136 00:05:57,376 --> 00:05:59,209 All these chairs? Gone. 137 00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:01,959 The TVs will be showing silent music videos, 138 00:06:02,043 --> 00:06:03,709 and we'll be going cashless. 139 00:06:04,293 --> 00:06:06,084 Okay, but just keep in mind, 140 00:06:06,168 --> 00:06:08,793 we're pretty old school at Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips-- 141 00:06:08,876 --> 00:06:10,751 -Borough. -What's that? 142 00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:13,209 The salon has been renamed Borough. 143 00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:16,418 It is our first location outside of New York. 144 00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:18,918 That is so great. 145 00:06:19,001 --> 00:06:22,251 What a fun day full of extreme changes. 146 00:06:22,334 --> 00:06:26,126 Now, if you'll excuse me for a sec, I'm gonna hit the head. 147 00:06:27,501 --> 00:06:29,626 [Diane screaming] 148 00:06:32,334 --> 00:06:33,376 [gasps] 149 00:06:35,251 --> 00:06:37,501 ['80s pop song playing on radio] 150 00:06:37,584 --> 00:06:40,334 -Give me the keys, motherfucker. -Please don't kill me! Take everything! 151 00:06:40,418 --> 00:06:42,084 Here's my phone. Here's my wallet! 152 00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:43,751 -My PIN number's eight, four-- -[laughing] 153 00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:46,709 Jesus, Diane. I do not like that. 154 00:06:46,793 --> 00:06:50,126 That's the risk you take coming into the big city, Mark. 155 00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:53,376 -[laughs] She got you, Dad. -There's the birthday boy! 156 00:06:53,459 --> 00:06:54,418 Aw! 157 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,251 Oh, I got you a present. 158 00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:59,834 Tip it back. His boxers come off so you can see what Dave's packin'-- 159 00:06:59,918 --> 00:07:01,459 Diane, he's 18. 160 00:07:01,543 --> 00:07:04,209 -I know. He can legally drink. -That's not-- 161 00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:06,626 This is actually apropos, Aunt Diane. 162 00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:10,043 We're going to the Art Institute to see Hannah Black's video installation. 163 00:07:10,126 --> 00:07:13,376 It's a reimagining of all the Renaissance Masters. 164 00:07:13,459 --> 00:07:15,584 But first, lunch at the Palmer House. 165 00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:18,418 [verbalizing foghorn] Sucks. 166 00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:20,751 Speakin' of which, where's my sister? 167 00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:23,126 Oh, um, she's-- Uh-- 168 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,293 Well, what's goin' on with you, Diane? 169 00:07:25,376 --> 00:07:28,001 Your hair looks… consistent. 170 00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:33,001 Mark, I know when you're hiding something 'cause your milky skin gets pink. 171 00:07:33,084 --> 00:07:34,959 -Okay, she's upstairs. -Mwah! 172 00:07:36,501 --> 00:07:37,501 [woman chuckling] 173 00:07:37,584 --> 00:07:40,459 Well, if it isn't the Wicked Witch of the North Shore. 174 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,251 To what do I owe the pleasure? 175 00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:43,376 We'll be in touch. 176 00:07:43,459 --> 00:07:45,918 If you're thinkin' about rentin' out the second room, Bonnie, 177 00:07:46,001 --> 00:07:47,084 you gotta tell me. 178 00:07:47,168 --> 00:07:48,751 I keep my wet clothes in there. 179 00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:50,293 She's not moving in. 180 00:07:50,376 --> 00:07:52,543 She stages apartments. 181 00:07:52,626 --> 00:07:55,834 Diane, look, you know Daniel got into Stanford, right? 182 00:07:55,918 --> 00:07:59,584 I know. And I hope my recommendation letter helped. 183 00:07:59,668 --> 00:08:00,584 Yeah. 184 00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:03,834 Besides being one of the most elite universities in the world, 185 00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:06,293 it's also incredibly expensive. 186 00:08:06,376 --> 00:08:11,251 So Mark and I have to offload some of our assets. 187 00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:13,251 English, please. 188 00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:15,626 Oh my God, I'm selling the condo. 189 00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:17,959 So I'm gonna have a new landlord? 190 00:08:18,043 --> 00:08:20,626 You have to move out, Diane. 191 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:23,168 [gasps] What? How could you do this to me? 192 00:08:23,251 --> 00:08:25,834 After all the work I put into this place? 193 00:08:25,918 --> 00:08:27,126 The Van Halen Fatheads, 194 00:08:27,209 --> 00:08:30,168 that poster of the Fridge on the fridge… 195 00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,168 Maybe this'll be good for you. 196 00:08:32,251 --> 00:08:34,293 It could be the kick in the pants you need. 197 00:08:34,376 --> 00:08:36,043 What the hell does that mean? 198 00:08:36,126 --> 00:08:39,584 I mean, don't you think it's time for you to reevaluate? 199 00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,751 Wait, where is the dishwasher? 200 00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:43,709 I upgraded it to a kegerator. 201 00:08:43,793 --> 00:08:46,376 -[phone chimes] -Oh. I can't get into this right now. 202 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:49,334 A homeless person just walked past the car, and Mark is nervous. 203 00:08:49,418 --> 00:08:50,876 A homeless person? 204 00:08:50,959 --> 00:08:52,834 You mean, like what you just made me? 205 00:08:52,918 --> 00:08:53,959 You have one week. 206 00:08:54,584 --> 00:08:56,876 Oh, that's plenty of time. 207 00:08:56,959 --> 00:08:59,751 I've gotten pregnant and un-pregnant in one week! 208 00:08:59,834 --> 00:09:02,459 I am just fine, baby! 209 00:09:05,376 --> 00:09:07,668 [Diane] So Kurt's gone, job is rocky, 210 00:09:07,751 --> 00:09:10,251 and the apartment situation ain't lookin' good. 211 00:09:10,334 --> 00:09:12,626 That's a three-peat but in a bad way. 212 00:09:12,709 --> 00:09:16,334 Luckily, I can always count on my baby boy, Mikey. 213 00:09:16,418 --> 00:09:17,418 Hi, Mikey! 214 00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:18,334 [grunts] 215 00:09:18,418 --> 00:09:21,459 Most mothers would be horrified if their son just got hit in the face 216 00:09:21,543 --> 00:09:23,084 with a 48-pound Samsonite, 217 00:09:23,168 --> 00:09:25,501 but my Mikey has the skull of a ram. 218 00:09:25,584 --> 00:09:30,793 He's been hit in the head at every single Chicago sporting event. 219 00:09:30,876 --> 00:09:34,084 That huge, hard melon is why he's my only kid. 220 00:09:34,168 --> 00:09:35,709 Tore me apart comin' out. 221 00:09:35,793 --> 00:09:39,293 -[grunts] -Hi, baby. I brought you rib tips. 222 00:09:39,376 --> 00:09:41,251 Ma, I'm super busy. 223 00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:43,876 Southwest keeps addin' these "wanna get aways," 224 00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:45,834 and all the bags fly free. 225 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,668 You know what would help? If I moved in with you for a bit. 226 00:09:48,751 --> 00:09:50,918 I could cook you breakfast gyros. 227 00:09:51,001 --> 00:09:52,293 I'm sorry, Ma. 228 00:09:52,376 --> 00:09:54,918 Dad already took the Murphy bed in the garage. 229 00:09:55,001 --> 00:09:56,876 That slippery motherfucker. 230 00:09:56,959 --> 00:10:00,668 I can't believe he would stoop to askin' his own child to bail him out. 231 00:10:01,293 --> 00:10:02,918 What about the shed in back? 232 00:10:03,001 --> 00:10:05,543 I would never let my mother live in a frickin' shed. 233 00:10:05,626 --> 00:10:08,959 Besides, my buddy Anton's living there until his wife gets out of jail. 234 00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:12,251 You know what? You're right. I'm better than a shed. 235 00:10:12,751 --> 00:10:14,251 I should upgrade a little. 236 00:10:14,751 --> 00:10:15,834 I love you, honey. 237 00:10:15,918 --> 00:10:18,959 And remember, always lift with your back. 238 00:10:19,459 --> 00:10:23,334 [grunts] Goddamn it! That is for sure over 50 pounds. 239 00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:29,793 So I'd like somewhere with a pool. Above ground is preferred. 240 00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:31,334 And I need a three-car garage 241 00:10:31,418 --> 00:10:33,668 'cause I gotta park my Camaro horizontally. 242 00:10:33,751 --> 00:10:35,376 Okay, that's a lot of amenities. 243 00:10:35,459 --> 00:10:38,168 -[laptop chimes] -Oh, your credit report just came in. 244 00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:42,043 -I don't think I can help you. -Why? What is it? 245 00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:44,376 Negative 70. 246 00:10:44,459 --> 00:10:45,584 Ah! It went up. 247 00:10:45,668 --> 00:10:47,751 Maybe we need to reassess your criteria. 248 00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:49,709 That's fine. I'm super flex. 249 00:10:49,793 --> 00:10:51,876 If it's an in-ground pool, I'll deal. 250 00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:54,501 I gotta run to work. I believe in you… 251 00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:55,668 -Carl. -Carl. 252 00:10:58,501 --> 00:11:00,293 The cut looks great, honey. 253 00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:02,584 Very Dennis Franz. 254 00:11:02,668 --> 00:11:05,043 That'll be… 36 dollars? 255 00:11:05,126 --> 00:11:06,793 Jesus, what a rip! 256 00:11:06,876 --> 00:11:08,543 But totally worth it. 257 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,043 Do you take Apple Pay? 258 00:11:10,126 --> 00:11:13,876 [laughs] Yeah, sure. One bushel of apples ought to do it. 259 00:11:13,959 --> 00:11:16,334 Seriously, just scan my phone. 260 00:11:16,418 --> 00:11:20,459 Ah, shit. Let me figure out this goddamn nerd pad. 261 00:11:20,959 --> 00:11:23,126 -Oops. Wrong button. Maybe this-- -[thrash metal playing] 262 00:11:23,209 --> 00:11:25,626 Okay, now that we've sanitized the perineum, 263 00:11:25,709 --> 00:11:27,626 let's remove this ingrown hair. 264 00:11:27,709 --> 00:11:29,501 Diane, turn this off. 265 00:11:29,584 --> 00:11:32,084 -Shit. Sorry. Hold on. -[thrash metal cycles on and off] 266 00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:33,876 And why are you watchin' this at work? 267 00:11:33,959 --> 00:11:35,876 You said I couldn't watch the Cubs. 268 00:11:35,959 --> 00:11:37,584 Turn it off, now. 269 00:11:37,668 --> 00:11:40,334 Got it. So you hit "off." 270 00:11:40,418 --> 00:11:43,959 Diane, you haven't had a client in your chair for two days, 271 00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:47,209 so I put you at the front counter, and somehow, that was worse. 272 00:11:47,793 --> 00:11:49,626 So back to the chair? 273 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:53,251 Diane, to be honest, I don't know where I can put you. 274 00:11:53,334 --> 00:11:55,876 Maybe you just don't fit in here. 275 00:11:56,459 --> 00:11:58,834 Oh, I see what's goin' on. 276 00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,501 Well, that's too bad. 277 00:12:00,584 --> 00:12:03,376 'Cause I really wanted to fit in here at Borough 278 00:12:03,459 --> 00:12:05,751 'cause this place rocks. 279 00:12:06,418 --> 00:12:07,418 Psych. 280 00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:10,418 [engine revs] 281 00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:13,126 [Diane] Now, when a white person tells you they're from Chicago, 282 00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:15,334 they're actually most likely from a suburb, 283 00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:17,543 like where my sister Bonnie lives. 284 00:12:23,418 --> 00:12:26,251 Hey. I'm talking to my Stanford roommate. Mom's in the kitchen. 285 00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:27,709 Here, sweetie, kill this for me. 286 00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:30,209 Oh, I don't want this. 287 00:12:30,293 --> 00:12:33,584 Hi. Place looks great. Love the curtains and shit. 288 00:12:33,668 --> 00:12:36,168 Listen, I gotta talk to you, in private. 289 00:12:36,251 --> 00:12:38,709 Anything you say to me, you can say in front of Mark. 290 00:12:38,793 --> 00:12:41,793 Okay. Hey, I can't stop queefing. 291 00:12:41,876 --> 00:12:43,876 I'm gonna go charge the leaf blower. 292 00:12:43,959 --> 00:12:47,834 Anyhooters, whaddya think about giving me an extension on the apartment? 293 00:12:47,918 --> 00:12:49,876 Two, maybe three years. 294 00:12:49,959 --> 00:12:51,876 Gotta get my freakin' ducks in a barrel. 295 00:12:51,959 --> 00:12:53,209 Absolutely not. 296 00:12:54,168 --> 00:12:56,168 [sighs] I thought it might come to this. 297 00:12:57,334 --> 00:13:00,709 This is an Uno's Pizzeria platinum gold card. 298 00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:05,084 It entitles the cardholder to free unlimited deep dish pizza for life. 299 00:13:05,168 --> 00:13:08,209 I won it in a thong contest on Mancow's Morning Madhouse. 300 00:13:08,293 --> 00:13:11,668 Obviously, the value of the card far exceeds the price of the rent, 301 00:13:11,751 --> 00:13:13,793 so we're gonna have to prorate the difference. 302 00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:16,418 Wow, what a reasonable trade-off. 303 00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,168 I rescind my offer. 304 00:13:18,251 --> 00:13:20,793 Actually, while you're here, I do need you to sign this. 305 00:13:20,876 --> 00:13:23,918 It just says that you will vacate the condo on the agreed-upon date. 306 00:13:24,001 --> 00:13:25,668 Feel free to have your lawyer look it over. 307 00:13:25,751 --> 00:13:28,418 Oh, sure. Yeah, I'll just run it by my lawyer. 308 00:13:28,501 --> 00:13:30,959 And my stockbroker and my dentist. 309 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:33,959 Come on, Bonnie, you know I can't afford those luxuries. 310 00:13:34,043 --> 00:13:36,751 Not everyone married a trust-fund baby. 311 00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:40,668 Stop saying everyone who has a steady job is a trust-fund baby. 312 00:13:40,751 --> 00:13:42,418 I'm not signing your stupid papers. 313 00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:46,126 And to think, I almost gave you free deep dish for life. 314 00:13:46,209 --> 00:13:49,126 Unlimited toppings, up to three. No premium meats. 315 00:13:49,209 --> 00:13:52,043 Not available on weekend nights. Void where prohibited-- 316 00:13:52,126 --> 00:13:53,126 Diane, go home. 317 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:54,543 [door slams] 318 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:58,293 [Daniel sniffling, sobbing] 319 00:13:58,918 --> 00:14:00,084 You hungry, kiddo? 320 00:14:01,209 --> 00:14:03,168 My roommate's name is Thorn. 321 00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:05,626 He's on a water polo scholarship, 322 00:14:05,709 --> 00:14:09,043 and he says his girlfriend will be sleeping over a lot. 323 00:14:09,126 --> 00:14:10,126 I shouldn't complain. 324 00:14:10,209 --> 00:14:12,918 Stanford is one of the elite universities in the world. 325 00:14:13,001 --> 00:14:15,001 You sound like your frickin' mom. 326 00:14:15,084 --> 00:14:16,793 What are you really feeling? 327 00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:21,084 Okay, I'll go first. 328 00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:25,251 I know when you look at me, you think, "Damn, my aunt's got her shit together." 329 00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:26,918 But if I'm being honest, 330 00:14:27,001 --> 00:14:30,459 I'm kind of in a rebuilding year, and I don't know what's next for me. 331 00:14:31,168 --> 00:14:32,043 Now, you go. 332 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:37,709 [sighs] Well, I think I got so caught up in everybody wanting me to go to Stanford, 333 00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:40,043 I never asked myself if I wanted to go there. 334 00:14:40,126 --> 00:14:41,209 I felt the same way 335 00:14:41,293 --> 00:14:44,293 when I went to Medieval Times for my third bachelorette party. 336 00:14:44,376 --> 00:14:46,084 Did you know all that shit's fake? 337 00:14:46,168 --> 00:14:48,376 Yeah, we kept telling you. 338 00:14:48,459 --> 00:14:51,751 [sighs] Why am I gonna move 2,000 miles away to find myself, 339 00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:53,709 when I don't even know who I am here? 340 00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:57,834 I know who you are. You're my amazing nephew. 341 00:14:57,918 --> 00:15:01,084 You're cool and kind and talented. 342 00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:02,126 Hello! 343 00:15:02,209 --> 00:15:03,876 With all your art stuff? 344 00:15:03,959 --> 00:15:07,001 You're gonna be aces no matter where you end up. 345 00:15:07,793 --> 00:15:09,293 You really like my artwork? 346 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,084 It's incredible, Daniel. 347 00:15:11,168 --> 00:15:13,209 And I think art sucks. 348 00:15:13,293 --> 00:15:16,501 -[jaunty ring tone plays] -Oh, it's my Realtor. Go for Diane. 349 00:15:16,584 --> 00:15:18,209 Hello, Diane, great news. 350 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,293 Found a place, and it's in your price range. 351 00:15:20,376 --> 00:15:22,043 Sweet Ditka's dick. 352 00:15:22,126 --> 00:15:24,376 See, Daniel? Things do work out. 353 00:15:24,459 --> 00:15:25,626 What neighborhood is it in? 354 00:15:25,709 --> 00:15:28,001 Pilsen? Back of the Yards? Uptown? Downtown? 355 00:15:28,084 --> 00:15:29,459 Logan Square? Lincoln Square? 356 00:15:29,543 --> 00:15:30,959 Lincoln Park? Garfield Park? 357 00:15:31,043 --> 00:15:33,501 Morgan Park? Hyde Park? Would love a park. 358 00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:34,584 It's in Hammond. 359 00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,709 Hammond? But that's in… 360 00:15:37,418 --> 00:15:41,001 [low-pitched and distorted] Indiana. 361 00:15:41,584 --> 00:15:48,001 No! 362 00:15:49,668 --> 00:15:52,168 [sobbing] 363 00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:54,334 Maybe Indiana isn't that bad. 364 00:15:54,418 --> 00:15:55,709 Are you kiddin' me? 365 00:15:55,793 --> 00:15:59,251 I'm gonna move to that shithole and become one of those invisible women 366 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,918 who eat Stouffer's creamed spinach soufflé by herself every night, 367 00:16:03,001 --> 00:16:06,709 until one day her cats turn on her and boom! I'm frickin' dead. 368 00:16:06,793 --> 00:16:09,459 And I'll never see you again because I'll be stuck in California 369 00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:12,418 listening to Thorn not satisfying his girlfriend. 370 00:16:13,209 --> 00:16:14,209 You know what? 371 00:16:14,293 --> 00:16:17,168 You're leavin'. I'm leavin'. Fuck it. 372 00:16:17,251 --> 00:16:19,334 Let's have the rager to end all ragers. 373 00:16:19,418 --> 00:16:22,959 One last chance for us to jam out with our clams out. 374 00:16:23,043 --> 00:16:26,668 Yeah, I don't see how clam-jamming would fix this. 375 00:16:26,751 --> 00:16:30,293 It won't. This world is filled with shit that we can't control. 376 00:16:30,376 --> 00:16:33,418 Your husband leaves, you get a jagbag of a boss, 377 00:16:33,501 --> 00:16:35,168 your whore sister kicks you out. 378 00:16:35,251 --> 00:16:38,918 -Please don't call my mother that. -Daniel, it's like I always say. 379 00:16:39,001 --> 00:16:40,626 When life gives you lemons, 380 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:44,501 you turn that shit into Mike's Hard Lemonade. 381 00:16:44,584 --> 00:16:46,084 [rock music playing] 382 00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:05,126 [singer] Whoo! 383 00:17:05,209 --> 00:17:08,043 [singers vocalizing] 384 00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:24,334 [partygoers chattering] 385 00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,001 Thanks for comin', sweetie. 386 00:17:26,084 --> 00:17:27,876 Ooh, I'll take a hit of that. 387 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,126 Fuck Green Bay! 388 00:17:29,626 --> 00:17:30,626 Bottoms up. 389 00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,876 [inhales] My girls! 390 00:17:33,959 --> 00:17:37,501 God bless you two. I'm gonna miss you both so much. 391 00:17:37,584 --> 00:17:39,668 It won't be the same without you. 392 00:17:39,751 --> 00:17:43,709 It'll be less loud, less smoky, and less fun. 393 00:17:43,793 --> 00:17:45,501 [laughs] You said it. 394 00:17:47,459 --> 00:17:49,543 Scottie Pippen. Ya made it. 395 00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:51,959 You told me the other Bulls would be here. 396 00:17:52,043 --> 00:17:53,751 I did. I did say that. 397 00:17:53,834 --> 00:17:56,293 Find me later. I'm single again. 398 00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:58,876 We can play "Just the Tip in with Pippen." 399 00:17:58,959 --> 00:18:00,084 [Daniel laughing] 400 00:18:00,168 --> 00:18:01,001 I know, right? 401 00:18:01,084 --> 00:18:03,709 There he is. My handsome nephew. 402 00:18:03,793 --> 00:18:07,376 What I wouldn't give to be 18 again and living down in the city. 403 00:18:07,459 --> 00:18:09,126 Well, actually, I'm going to coll-- 404 00:18:09,209 --> 00:18:11,959 Whoa-whoa-whoa, Styx. Hold up, boys. 405 00:18:12,043 --> 00:18:14,084 Can I get everyone's attention? 406 00:18:14,168 --> 00:18:17,251 Tonight, we are celebratin' the end of an era. 407 00:18:17,334 --> 00:18:19,126 As some of you may know, 408 00:18:19,209 --> 00:18:21,959 this'll be the last rager thrown at this address. 409 00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:23,668 -What? -No way. 410 00:18:23,751 --> 00:18:25,251 Where are the other Bulls? 411 00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:26,543 But more importantly, 412 00:18:26,626 --> 00:18:30,293 we are also here to celebrate the start of a new era. 413 00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,334 I'd like to give a toast to my nephew. 414 00:18:32,418 --> 00:18:35,876 Daniel Whiddington, get your juicy little fanny up here. 415 00:18:35,959 --> 00:18:37,251 [partygoers cheering] 416 00:18:37,334 --> 00:18:39,709 This is the best night of my life! 417 00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:42,001 It's a miracle he turned out so good, 418 00:18:42,084 --> 00:18:45,168 'cause his dad is a pussy and his mom is a dick. 419 00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:49,084 What da fuck? 420 00:18:49,168 --> 00:18:50,501 -Mom? -Bonnie? 421 00:18:50,584 --> 00:18:52,751 Put that goddamn beer stein down. 422 00:18:53,918 --> 00:18:56,126 Oh, no, her Chicago accent's out. 423 00:18:56,209 --> 00:18:58,251 -Did you tell her about the party? -No. 424 00:18:58,334 --> 00:19:00,501 I tracked his phone, and I saw he was here. 425 00:19:00,584 --> 00:19:03,168 That's an invasion of my privacy. 426 00:19:03,251 --> 00:19:04,793 You, get your things. 427 00:19:04,876 --> 00:19:06,959 You, fire escape, now. 428 00:19:10,293 --> 00:19:11,668 Everything's okay. 429 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,126 Party's still on. 430 00:19:13,209 --> 00:19:16,084 Styx, play "Come Sail Away." 431 00:19:16,168 --> 00:19:18,834 [playing "Come Sail Away"] 432 00:19:21,001 --> 00:19:21,959 Listen, Bonnie-- 433 00:19:22,043 --> 00:19:25,584 I should call the cops on you for getting my underage son drunk. 434 00:19:25,668 --> 00:19:28,209 The cops? Who do you think brought the nitrous? 435 00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:29,126 Look at you. 436 00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:32,876 You're chasing a party that ended 20 years ago. 437 00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:35,084 Why do you think Mom and Dad moved to Arizona? 438 00:19:35,168 --> 00:19:37,501 Because the dry air is good for Dad's gout. 439 00:19:37,584 --> 00:19:40,459 No, it was to get away from you. 440 00:19:41,793 --> 00:19:43,459 You're just like Chicago, 441 00:19:43,543 --> 00:19:46,418 a huge mess whose best days are behind you. 442 00:19:47,001 --> 00:19:48,959 I am just like Chicago! 443 00:19:49,043 --> 00:19:50,459 Yeah, we ain't perfect. 444 00:19:50,543 --> 00:19:52,834 The South Side is very screwed up. 445 00:19:52,918 --> 00:19:54,501 North Side, a little better. 446 00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:57,834 A lot of work and money has been put into it. That makes sense. 447 00:19:57,918 --> 00:20:00,334 At least I don't worry about what everyone thinks 448 00:20:00,418 --> 00:20:02,126 and pretend to be somethin' I'm not, 449 00:20:02,209 --> 00:20:04,751 which is exactly what you're doin' to Daniel. 450 00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:06,668 Well, guess what? He's goin' to college. 451 00:20:06,751 --> 00:20:09,668 So worry about your own degenerate ass. 452 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:11,834 Don't talk to her like that way. 453 00:20:11,918 --> 00:20:15,084 Daniel, you're drunk. Go downstairs and get in the car. 454 00:20:15,168 --> 00:20:17,293 You're not the boss of me anymore. 455 00:20:17,376 --> 00:20:18,668 Get in the goddamn car. 456 00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:20,084 Okay. 457 00:20:20,543 --> 00:20:22,209 Nine a.m. tomorrow, you're out. 458 00:20:23,209 --> 00:20:25,001 And clean this fucking place up. 459 00:20:28,209 --> 00:20:30,959 ♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪ 460 00:20:31,043 --> 00:20:33,751 ♪ Come sail away with me ♪ 461 00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:38,168 [Daniel retching, gasping] 462 00:20:38,251 --> 00:20:40,043 Daniel, you okay? 463 00:20:40,126 --> 00:20:41,084 No. 464 00:20:41,168 --> 00:20:43,834 Is this how Aunt Diane feels every morning? 465 00:20:43,918 --> 00:20:46,168 Yes, it is. And it's very sad. 466 00:20:47,084 --> 00:20:48,084 [Daniel retching] 467 00:20:48,168 --> 00:20:50,876 Ugh. This is all because of her. 468 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,126 It is because of her. 469 00:20:55,959 --> 00:20:58,293 Mom, we need to talk… 470 00:20:58,376 --> 00:20:59,376 [stifling vomit] 471 00:20:59,876 --> 00:21:00,876 …in ten minutes. 472 00:21:01,793 --> 00:21:03,793 [short rock intro plays] 473 00:21:06,543 --> 00:21:07,376 Hey. 474 00:21:08,043 --> 00:21:08,876 Hey. 475 00:21:09,376 --> 00:21:10,959 I put the dishwasher back in. 476 00:21:11,626 --> 00:21:12,543 [Bonnie] I see. 477 00:21:12,626 --> 00:21:15,543 It's upside down, but I appreciate the effort. 478 00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:18,501 I signed those forms you asked for. 479 00:21:18,584 --> 00:21:20,876 Oh, you didn't sign it Tits McGee. 480 00:21:20,959 --> 00:21:23,043 Nah, I used my real name. 481 00:21:23,126 --> 00:21:26,001 You were right, Bon. I need to reevaluate. 482 00:21:27,043 --> 00:21:29,501 Anyhoo, Indiana's a short drive-- 483 00:21:29,584 --> 00:21:30,751 Diane, stop. 484 00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:33,668 I don't know what happened here last night, 485 00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:37,334 but Daniel has decided he doesn't want to go to Stanford at this time. 486 00:21:37,418 --> 00:21:39,834 Oh shit. You must be so pissed. 487 00:21:39,918 --> 00:21:40,751 I am. 488 00:21:40,834 --> 00:21:43,084 I-- I was. But I thought about it, 489 00:21:43,168 --> 00:21:45,626 and I've never seen him so happy and confident. 490 00:21:45,709 --> 00:21:46,584 And hungover. 491 00:21:46,668 --> 00:21:50,084 But as Brené Brown says, when your child is happy, you need to support them. 492 00:21:50,168 --> 00:21:52,418 Tits up, tits out. What are you gonna do? 493 00:21:52,501 --> 00:21:55,376 I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna let him live here with you 494 00:21:55,459 --> 00:21:57,376 while he takes a year to figure things out. 495 00:21:57,459 --> 00:21:58,418 Whatever that means. 496 00:21:58,501 --> 00:22:00,459 Go scratch. Does that mean-- 497 00:22:00,543 --> 00:22:02,584 We're not selling the place. Yet. 498 00:22:03,459 --> 00:22:05,043 Whassup? 499 00:22:05,126 --> 00:22:07,126 -Whassup? -Whassup? 500 00:22:07,209 --> 00:22:08,584 Whassup? 501 00:22:08,668 --> 00:22:10,043 -Whassup? -Whassup? 502 00:22:10,126 --> 00:22:13,668 Stop! Daniel, you don't even know what that's from. 503 00:22:13,751 --> 00:22:16,668 Let's celebrate. First round on me! 504 00:22:16,751 --> 00:22:19,043 Oh shit, I don't have a job. 505 00:22:19,126 --> 00:22:21,626 Actually, I might have an idea. 506 00:22:24,668 --> 00:22:25,501 She's back. 507 00:22:25,584 --> 00:22:28,501 Did you come back here to pick up the beer bong you left behind? 508 00:22:28,584 --> 00:22:32,043 Nope, I came in to cut hair. 509 00:22:33,584 --> 00:22:36,668 Turns out a party invite is a great way to make a client list. 510 00:22:36,751 --> 00:22:38,626 Whaddya think, Gideon? 511 00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:40,668 Chair three. 512 00:22:42,459 --> 00:22:44,626 -[thrash metal playing] -Oh, my bad! 513 00:22:44,709 --> 00:22:46,209 -[music stops] -[crowd cheers] 514 00:22:46,293 --> 00:22:48,293 [closing theme music plays] 515 00:23:00,126 --> 00:23:02,126 [music continues]