[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- Men have always confused the hell out of women.
Ow!
Why'd you do that?
'Cause I like you, duh.
Ow!
And Tasha was no exception.
- Ooh, I just can't understand why Darius broke up with me.
I know, it's terrible.
It doesn't make any sense.
We were gonna go see Keith Sweat in concert on Friday.
- In 1987, there was only one man
that women always understood--
Keith Sweat.
♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪
Ow!
- You know, I'm going to that show.
I wasn't.
And I have an extra ticket.
I didn't.
- Wanna come with? - Really?
Of course I do. Thank you, Chris.
Risky.
- Two tickets will be 50 bucks each.
- But the official poster said $25.
- It also said sold-out.
- I don't have the money, but I could get it to you later.
Can you hold them for me?
For you?
No problem.
$150 by Friday.
[groans]
You should see how he rips me off now that I have money.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
[dramatic music]
- Damn it, Buttless, you're a pain in the ass!
Oh, right.
Sorry.
- Uh, Daddy, do we have to keep watching "Dick Buttless, P.I."?
- You know changing the channel adds
5 cent to the electric bill.
[sighs]
No!
- I didn't even say anything yet.
- My joints get achy when someone's
about to ask for money.
I wasn't gonna ask for money.
Yeah, he was, Daddy.
He wants to go to a concert with Tasha.
Dang, Tonya!
Is there anyone you wouldn't snitch on?
Jesus did it!
He claimed to be the messiah.
Dang, Tonya.
What happened?
Who snitched?
Judas did it.
Dang, Tonya!
- Chris, if you want that money,
you got to use your imagination.
I'm not just gonna hand it to you.
- Um, Daddy, can I have some money for a Koosh ball?
Of course, baby.
- One of these days, snitching is gonna get you in trouble.
- Daddy, Chris is dramatically warning me of something.
- Chris, go to your room--
and make your warnings more upbeat!
[groans]
Hey, baby.
Yo, my elbow!
Something happened to our money.
Where's your purse?
- Well, I was walking home, I stopped at the store,
I got mugged, I picked up some chicken.
Ooh, should I bake or grill the chicken for dinner?
- What? - Ah, you're right.
I should fry it.
Rochelle, are you all right?
I can't believe this happened.
Muggers are usually no match for you.
[funky music]
♪ ♪
Give me your purse, lady.
- Leon, I'd recognize those dusty cornrows anywhere.
Does your mother know you're out here mugging
people looking all raggedy?
So what happened this time?
The mugger was white.
[gasps]
- The first sign of gentrification.
- Well, I'm glad you're OK, baby.
- Mom, you should take a class at my dojo
to learn self-defense.
- Yeah, I'd feel better if you did.
Too bad our money can't defend itself.
Poor, defenseless money.
I'm fine.
From now on, if a white mugger comes at me,
I won't try to talk him out of it.
I'll just clock him straight off.
OK, Julius?
- Poor paper-thin money, out in the cold.
Can't stand up for itself.
It can't even stand up.
Ooh!
[bell rings]
- Have you seen Sally's new weave?
Ugh.
I don't think Sally's seen Sally's new weave,
or she'd change it.
[laughs]
- Koosh balls aren't allowed in school.
Whose is it?
I need answers, ladies.
- What you need is a breath mint.
- Fine, you don't have to tell me.
You can tell Vice Principal Harris.
What?
You can't make us do that.
I'm head hall monitor.
I can do whatever I want.
Ugh.
Can he chew some gum once in a while?
Just go.
[humming]
Loaf attack!
You got mugged again.
Drew, what are you doing?
That hurt.
Exactly.
This is why you need to take a self-defense class.
[funky music]
[gasps]
Oh, thank you.
These streets can be dangerous--
for you.
Drew!
Give me my damn scarf back.
[slurps]
[cat snarling]
[dramatic music]
[gasps]
- What would you do in this situation?
- Fine. I'll go to the dojo. Damn.
[cat meows.]
[funky music]
- They don't know who brought the Koosh.
If we don't say nothing, we'll both be fine.
Don't say nothing.
Tonya, get in here.
Shh.
LaDonna did it.
Well, thanks, Tonya.
I did not expect you to throw your friend
under the bus like that.
Hmph.
So can I go?
Sit down, Tonya.
You're a natural-born snitch.
Have you ever considered becoming a hall monitor?
Ha!
You want me to be one of those dweebs
with a badge who does whatever they want with unlimited power?
I'm in.
Welcome to the force.
Now you can snitch on anyone.
- Every morning, Ms. Johnson smokes cigarettes
in the nurse's office.
Just students.
Dang, Tonya.
I can't believe that fool.
You don't take a side chick to Sizzler's.
All-you-can-eat is for wives only.
[laughter]
- Manny, can I get today's pay now?
Here.
[moans]
- Uh, is there any way I can get overtime?
This ain't gonna cut it.
Overtime?
You think this is a union job?
I'm gonna give you undertime.
[pensive music]
Oh!
When life gives you hair, make lemonade.
What?
- It'll make sense in the next scene.
Dang.
[funky music]
[bell chimes]
- Ah, Nessa, Nessa, Nessa, I got prime,
fresh-cut hair for sale,
perfect for your very talented wig-making skills.
10 cents a whisker.
- Boy, I can't make a Salt-N-Pepa asymmetrical
bob out of dirty neck hair.
No sale.
[sighs]
Girl, I'm so confused.
I've been seeing Pastor Percy on the low,
but also I've been telling everybody.
And he never takes me to fancy restaurants like Olive Garden.
- Why men gotta be so damn stingy?
Ugh!
What I'd give for a date with an all-you-can-eat salad bar.
- Well, all-you-can-eat is for wives only.
Heh, who told you that?
Uh, I just know, OK?
It's a man thing, and I'm a man.
[laughter]
I'm at the barbershop all the time.
I hear things-- things men, like me, say.
- OK, little man, tell me why a man would buy me a necklace
but then introduce me as his friend.
Cash first.
Negro, please.
- Not only am I a man, I'm a businessman.
Cash first.
[moans, kisses]
- And don't let a woman hold your hand in public.
That's basically--
- --pissing on him like a fire hydrant.
Too possessive.
Ooh!
What?
- See, women pick men romantically.
But men pick women geographically.
The less we spend on gas--
- --the more they want that ass.
- Mm-hmm.
- You just can't have one woman.
It's cheaper to keep her--
- --but it's sweeter to cheat her.
[gasps]
[funky music]
[moaning]
[reggae music]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
- [indistinct chatter] - Whoop, whoop!
[imitates siren wailing]
- Five-O!
♪ ♪
Hey!
I thought Al Sharpton put an end to this.
♪ ♪
♪ Oh ♪
[mystical sitar music]
Good job, class.
Sensei Jason is proud.
Remember, those who do not try, try bad.
- Mom, didn't you hear Sensei Jason?
You have to take this seriously.
How?
That man has a clip-on ponytail.
Hmm.
I'm sorry, Sensei Jason.
I tried to tell her the 94 tenets of karate.
That's too many damn tenets!
- Yeah, you won't be saying that
after you purchase my book, "Hi-Ya Learning," for $4.99.
[grunts]
[groans]
He's still an idiot.
- I was just $20 away from getting Keith Sweaty
with the girl of my dreams.
- Chris, in all that man chatter,
has Doc mentioned if he's seeing someone?
- Wait, are you and Doc--
[mumbling]
- Boy, this is why you a virgin.
But yes, Doc and I are... [mumbling]
But he only takes me out during the day.
Chris, why won't he go dancing with me at night?
- Uh, Doc hasn't said anything about any of that.
- Well, what are you standing here looking stupid for?
Go ask Doc what he's doing instead of taking me dancing.
And who he's doing and where she lives.
- Uh, I don't feel comfortable--
OK, I'll do it.
[funky music]
- Ugh, that was the longest hour of my life,
and I've seen "Roots" twice.
- OK, before we go, anyone who would like to challenge me
may do so now.
If you pin me down, you will earn the coveted title
of Little Sensei.
- What the hell's a "Little Sensei?"
- It means you're the best fighter in the whole dojo.
No one's ever gotten it.
Little Sensei is the biggest honor there ever was.
- [laughs] I don't want to be a little anything--
except maybe a little tipsy on a little yacht
off Little Cayman Island.
- I challenge you, Sensei Jason.
Aw, he tries this every week.
Make it quick, baby.
I want to get home to ice my legs, my thighs, and my ass.
- Mm-hmm.
A boy who steps up is taller than the boy who sits down.
Nyow!
Whoo-ooh!
Ahh! Ugh! [groans]
Better luck next time, Drew.
Wind knocked out is wind knocked down.
- Mm-mm, nobody kicks my baby in a corner.
What are you doing?
- Your sensei is about to get beaten senseless.
That's what I'm doing.
- She didn't know karate, but she
had a black belt in Black mom.
- Ah! Ah!
Uh! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! [whip cracks]
Ahh!
- Nobody gets to beat my kids but me!
[together] Ooh!
Stop!
You win!
You're the Little Sensei.
Just give me back my ponytail.
[all cheering]
Whoa.
[indistinct chatter]
[gasps]
Hey!
You know that's illegal.
[funky music]
[eerie music]
[indistinct whispering]
- [gasps] Students in the back alley?
Not today, Satan.
- Kooshes, gum, there's even a yo-yo.
Yes!
Give me ten Pixy Stix for it.
[sneaky music]
♪ ♪
[sniffs]
- Something stinks, and this time it ain't your breath.
- You better not tell Vice Principal Harris.
I run this school.
I'll tell you what, Shawn.
I won't say nothing if you give me a taste.
[funky music]
♪ ♪
Ooh!
Pure and uncut.
I want a 50/50 split of whatever you make.
I'm head hall monitor.
I don't have to listen to you.
Don't you, though?
Dang, Tonya!
- [slurps] Ooh!
[funky music]
Hey, Doc.
What's going on, Chris?
You hit your target yet to get those tickets?
Working on it.
Uh, but enough about me.
What's up with you?
What are you doing tonight?
What do you do every night, and who are you doing it with?
- What the hell you talking about?
What's her name?
Is she pretty?
Please!
[groans]
- ♪ Risky gonna give those tickets away ♪
♪ And Tasha gonna give body, her body away ♪
♪ To someone else at the concert, Chris ♪
[mystical sitar music]
[blows]
[belt squeaks]
- Rochelle, I deem you Little Sensei.
With great power comes great responsibility, and also
a small service charge that'll be on your next bill.
Congratulations. [applause]
- I think she might be hotter than Drew.
- Wow, Mom, I can't believe you're Little Sensei.
I've challenged him hundreds of times,
and I've never been Little Sensei.
- Oh, I'm sure you will be one day, baby.
- I'm just so proud of my mom who didn't practice every day
and didn't punch her fists in all those oak trees
to build strength and just came in for one class
and became Little Sensei.
Ha!
Ah-ha!
It's great!
[pensive music]
- Hey, girl. How's it going?
Good.
But it's about to be great.
- Tonya, there have been serious allegations
made against you.
Open your locker.
OK.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Well, well, well, Tonya.
What?
I-- [sputtering] those aren't mine!
They weren't.
For once, she was actually telling the truth.
That's for snitching on me.
[stammering[
This is all a setup.
I was framed.
Give me your badge, Tonya.
- Ha, you kicking me off the force?
Ha!
I am the force.
I'm the one who cleaned up these hallways.
Without me, all you mother--
That's it!
Two months' detention.
[funky music]
♪ ♪
- Drew, why did I find your Bruce Lee poster in the trash?
- That's where it belongs--
with my dreams and karate skills.
How did you do it?
You have to tell me!
- You're that upset about me being Little Sensei?
- No, I support Black women in positions of power.
He went on to date Kandi from "Real Housewives of Atlanta."
You want to know my secret?
I fought for what I love.
And I can teach you how to do that, too.
Nice.
Can we get ice cream after?
[groans]
No ice cream!
We got free old milk in the freezer.
[groans]
- I didn't have any intel on Doc, but I still needed $20.
So I did what any desperate virgin would do--
I lied.
You were right.
There might be another woman.
- I knew it! - [gasps]
Worth every penny.
- ♪ Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ahh ♪
Yeah, screw men.
They're terrible.
OK, bye.
[touch-tones beeping]
Doc, you old bastard.
It's over.
The only dancing we ever gonna do
is when I dance on your grave, because you're dead.
But I didn't kill you-- you died of a broken heart.
Well, bye.
[funky music]
Here!
I got the money.
Whew!
Cutting it close, youngblood.
[chimes ringing]
[funky music]
- Chris, I'm so glad you brought me.
I can't wait to have sex with you for days and days and days.
I bet you're real good at it, too, having sex.
- ♪ He's so good at having-- ♪
Baby, please!
- Huh? - Nessa, please.
I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry for it.
Take me back.
- You can take this hair dryer to the back of your head,
for all I care.
What did I do?
- I heard all about the woman you spend your nights with.
You mean my aunt?
- You're too old to have an aunt.
You basically already dead.
Look it here, for real.
My aunt has an extra pinky toe on each foot.
I have to tape her toes together every night
to balance her.
That's not what Chris said.
- Yeah, Chris told us everything.
- We know how many hos you keep,
how you only take wives to Sizzler,
how it's neater to cheat her.
Oh, it's been real informative.
- Uh, why is everyone mad at me?
I was just the messenger.
Shoot him.
Chris, you a snitch!
- That was just barbershop talk.
Part of being a man is lying to other men
about how manly you are.
So, Doc, did you cheat on me?
Of course not, baby.
Aw.
I'm sorry.
[both moaning]
- Well, all's well that ends well.
[groaning]
Oh.
I want my money back.
- I wish I could help, but I already
bought tickets to the concert.
- Which you're not going to-- we are.
Tonight, you're gonna tape my aunt's toes.
And watch out, she's a biter.
[funky music]
♪ ♪
[groans]
[gong resounds]
- Bow to master, bow to sensei, bow to the money
plate that won't fill itself.
And lastly, is there anyone who wants to take on Sensei Jason
and become the new Little Sensei?
I do.
- If he was ugly, this would be sad.
[dramatic music]
Drew, remember.
Fight for what I love.
I got it.
That's my baby.
- Before we spar, let me put on my new CD,
"Dojo Do-Jams," which you can go home with today for $2.99,
cash only.
♪ ♪
- Fight for what you love--
my mom, French toast sticks,
"Dick Buttless, P.I.,"
and of course, that dog I met once.
[grunts]
[grunting]
- Ahh! - Whoa!
Ow.
Congrats, Drew.
You are now Little Sensei.
I did it.
I'm Little Sensei.
Oh!
And it's all because you fought for the one thing
you love most.
Me!
Yeah.
Wow, I can't wait for us to get our green belts together.
Oh, hell no.
I ain't coming back.
All the fighting is sweating my hair out.
Let's go get you some rocky road, Little Sensei.
- Uh, can someone call my doctor,
who is actually a veterinarian?
- Tasha wasn't gonna be screaming for Keith Sweat,
but she was gonna be screaming at me.
- What are you doing home so late?
I got detention.
It turns out, you were right, OK?
Snitching got me in trouble.
[gasps]
Look what you've done to me, you sick bastard!
Are you happy now?
To be honest, no.
I should have taken my own advice.
Snitching got me in trouble, too.
Yeah.
It sucks.
And now I know how it feels to get snitched on.
All those times I did it to you.
Tasha!
Chris lied about the tickets.
Long story short, you ain't going.
Tonya!
You just said you knew how bad it felt to get snitched on.
- Yeah, so now I'm gonna do it to you twice as much.
Whew!
That felt so good.
- [sighs] - I can explain.
You know, it's actually kind of funny when you think about it.
You gonna laugh.
- You wouldn't know funny if it slapped you in the face.
Because of your lies, I wasted my mom's weed
money on a whole new outfit.
Damn, Tasha.
You look good.
Good enough to un-dump.
Want to come to Keith Sweat with me?
Of course, Darius.
[funky music]
- Yoo-hoo, young man!
It's time.
[singers] ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪
[gulps]
[vocalizing]
♪ MTV ♪