[loud heartbeat]
Downloaded from YTS.BZ
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- ["Filthy" by Ayron Jones] - ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
[engine rumbling]
♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
- ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪ - ♪ It's my skinny jeans ♪
♪ With my Chuck Ts on ♪
♪ It's those ruby red lips ♪
- ♪ And that black lace thong ♪ - [beeps]
♪ When the police hit me up ♪
♪ And I ain't done no wrong ♪
♪ So I light one up ♪
♪ And it goes straight to the dome ♪
- ♪ It goes ♪ - ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ It goes straight to the dome ♪
- ♪ It goes ♪ - ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ It goes straight to the dome, it goes ♪
♪ They don't call me "dope" in my town ♪
♪ They call me "filthy" I don't need a judge ♪
♪ To tell me that I'm guilty ♪
♪ Turn this fucker up and get loud if you feel me ♪
♪ In my town they don't call me "dope" ♪
♪ They call me "filthy" ♪
[siren wailing]
♪ They call me "filthy" ♪
♪ ...JV leather jacket dripping swag in the hood ♪
♪ It's that thin blue line... ♪
I think he's fuckin' with us again.
- Motherfucker! - ♪ ...dancing all night long ♪
[woman moaning over cell phone]
- Nasty little girl. - ♪ ...it goes ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha... ♪
[dispatch over radio] All units,
pursuit in progress...
Oh, fuck. Fuck. Goddammit.
♪ They don't call me "dope" in my town ♪
♪ They call me "filthy" I don't need a judge ♪
♪ To tell me that I'm guilty ♪
♪ Turn this fucker up and get loud if you feel me ♪
♪ In my town they don't call me "dope" ♪
♪ They call me "filthy" ♪
Driver, off the bike! Hands above your head.
Get on your knees, you fuckin' dickfur!
♪ They call me "filthy" ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ They call me "filthy" ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha... ♪
- ♪ ...call me "filthy" ♪ - Hey, I'm Danny.
I'm the one that just got arrested.
You know, it's been said I live in a bit of a fantasy land.
You know, it is kinda something I've always wanted to do.
To tell you why I really ran,
we're gonna have to go back a tad.
♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
- [fly buzzing] - [Danny groans softly]
[bird chirping]
[dog barking distantly]
[in foreign accent] Hey, where are you going?
[chuckles softly] Wow, you have an accent.
[soft clinking]
[sighs]
I guess I'll let myself out?
[fly buzzing]
There's bagels, if you're hungry.
But there's no cream cheese.
["Garota Nacional" by Skank]
♪ Hey! Come now! ♪
[singing in Portuguese]
["Garota Nacional" continues]
- [man] Danny! - How we doing, baby, huh?
- I'm alive and healthy. - That's what I like to hear, sir.
That's what I like to hear.
I got something for you.
Aha!
A man after my own taste.
Huh?
- Stay cool, Danny. - [Danny] You know I will, baby.
Such a rock star.
["Garota Nacional" continues]
[keys jingling]
Hi! What can I get you?
Uh, nine shots of espresso, on ice. Please.
Sorry. Um... [chuckles]
...can we give one person nine shots of espresso?
I do it, like, all the time.
Okay.
[loudly swallowing]
[noisily slurping]
[loudly swallowing]
[slurping continues]
Do you have a pen?
[barista] Um...
["Garota Nacional" continues]
Yo. Here my 360, bitch. It's already rolling.
[thuds]
[laughing]
Do it again!
Did you get it?
I like the thumbs-up, brother, it's very Travis Pastrana.
And he's the man.
And that's a pretty normal morning for me.
What do you say we meet the key players, yeah?
That's Carl. Without those glasses, that dude is fuckin' blind.
Honestly, I don't know if he even likes me,
but we're basically family by skydive law at this point.
That's Mickey. Weird dude. Huge cock.
All I know is he used to do lots and lots of drugs,
but he's sober now. Also, all of our favorite movies
happen to include Andy Dick.
That's K-Dew. We actually grew up together,
and she is badass.
Like, do-not-fuck-with-her for-real badass.
And y'all remember this Brazilian beauty, right?
That is Thiago.
Best damn parachute packer on the map.
Dude loves to give me a hard time,
but I know he loves me,
and I sure do love him.
Bro, you're almost as bad at rollerblading as you are at skydiving.
Well, I think you have to skydive to be a skydiver.
- [laughs] - Fuck you, Carl.
Come on, come on, come on. My guy's a skydiver.
He's just waiting for another hair on his balls to sprout out.
Isn't that right, D-money?
[mockingly] Somebody had to use
his backup parachute.
- That's karma. - Oh, that jump was with you, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah. I remember it like it was yesterday.
[shouting] But you're gonna have a malfunction!
What? Why would you say that, Danny?
You always gotta be ready, baby!
- Whoo! - ♪ I don't give a fuck ♪
["How It Feels" by Lewis]
♪ I used to care, now I don't ♪
♪ If you put it on my table I'mma push it on the floor ♪
♪ Push it on the floor ♪
[thudding]
You know, Thiago's the one that packed my parachute that day.
- I'm still pretty sure he's trying to kill me. - Trust me,
if I wanted you dead, you'd be dead.
I'm Brazilian, bro.
It was just a regular cutaway, D-love.
Why are you being such a bitch about it?
Thank you for the kind words, K-Dew.
I really appreciate it. I'm just a little shook by it,
- that's all. - Little shook? That was, like, a year ago.
It was a year and 11 months ago.
Thank you, Carl.
[Blake] What's up, pussies?
[dramatic music]
- You wanna fight, Blake? - [scoffing] Oh. Whoa.
We're just teasing, baby boy.
Wouldn't want anyone getting hurt.
Yeah. Wouldn't want anyone
physically or mentally unable to skydive.
- Right, Danny? - You two little bitches want something?
Honestly, I just miss beating you guys.
And since your team didn't join the free fall competition
again this year due to your almighty leader...
- [chuckles] - ...over here,
I figured I'd extend an invitation to a friendly
roller hockey tournament my home drop zone puts on every year.
You know, the one I own.
You mean the one your daddy owns?
- Ooh-ooh. - [Thiago] Oh!
Well, it's gonna be his.
You know, we noticed
your graceful rollerblading earlier...
...and we thought maybe you play.
You know, that's funny. I've heard of this, uh,
little roller hockey tournament, and you're fuckin' on.
Bro, I don't have Rollerblades or money to get any of that shit.
Like, I'm really scared to do that kinda shit, Danny.
These are usually early morning games, right?
[Blake] Correct.
Yeah, Danny, I haven't seen you
waking up before noon since high school, so...
- Well, luckily, I-- - Shut up, Carl.
Well, it's been real.
And it's been fun.
[both] But it hasn't been real fun!
[cackling]
[Blake] Oh, my God, we did it!
We got it!
- [laughing] - Let's get the fuck outta here.
Really?
Damn. They fuckin' plan that or what?
No. Fuck that guy, Danny. Guy's got his shirt off
and it's, like, 70 degrees out.
- Stupid ass motherfucker. - Come on, bro. Time to get ready
- for your sober party tonight, huh? - [cell phone chimes]
Oh, fuck.
What?
I just sent a dick pic to the wrong person.
- [snickers] - I was trying to send it to this girl I just met, Michelle...
...but I accidentally sent it to Michael... at the office.
A girl you just met?
Does Michael have your number saved?
Oh, it doesn't matter. He's gonna know.
Why don't you just change your number?
No, you don't get it. It was a delfie.
[both] A delfie?
Yeah.
[Carl] Mm. Delfie.
Fuck, he'll probably just be impressed.
- [cell phone chimes] - Probably.
[woman laughing]
Hey, Carl!
Michael just sent me a photo
I'll never be able to unsee.
[laughing continues]
[thud]
I hope you enjoy my sloppy seconds.
Yeah, I will enjoy your sloppy seconds.
God, he's so good at comebacks. Fuck!
[hip-hop music]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ I'd like to bring everyone's attention ♪
♪ To the motherfuckin' dance floor ♪
♪ Can't believe I'm so drunk... ♪
Are you gonna be butt hurt all night, Danny?
[light rock music playing]
I can't believe none of you fuckers dressed up!
[sighs] You proclaimed this was a theme party last night
while you were hammered.
How are we supposed to take you seriously?
K-Dew, you of all people should know,
if I'm ever talking about costumes,
dressing up, Halloween, I'm fuckin' serious.
At least Thiago's wearing short shorts.
- Here we go again. - What?
When I met you, you said to me,
"You've got some nice quads, bro.
We should hang out sometime."
You've got great quads, brother.
It's okay if you're gay, bro.
Just own it.
Yeah, okay. I'm gay.
If the penguins' "population" is rapidly "decreasing"
due to "global warming." [laughs]
Danny, the penguins' population is rapidly decreasing
due to global warming.
[gags]
[softly] Uh, yeah, it is.
Still good.
Uh, Danny, you're coming to dinner
with me and my husband this Friday, right?
But is it possible for you not to get wasted this time?
Sorry, if I'm at a Mexican restaurant, K-Dew,
I'mma have a few cervezas.
We were at Chipotle,
and you had, like, 20 Coronas.
Whatever. You guys are fuckin' weird.
And I can never tell if you guys just, like,
both wanna bang me or what.
Just because we're in an open relationship
doesn't mean we're trying to...
...fuck everybody we hang out with.
Mixed signals on that one, but, uh,
I'm picking up what you're putting down.
- "Jesus Chryst"? - What?
Yeah, it says "Jesus Chryst."
It says "Jesus Christ."
You spelled it wrong.
- Are you fuckin' serious? - [woman] Yep.
- God! - Uh!
You're already fucked up once, Danny.
Don't fuck up twice.
You know, while we're on the topic
of embarrassing things for you here,
I went into your trailer the other day
and you have a bunch of action figures
spread out in the positions of a baseball team
with a piece of paper nearby that had their stats.
G.I. Joe was having a particularly good game that day. [chuckles]
Hey, bro...
...you're still playing with action figures?
Come on, bro. No. I was going through my old things, actually.
One of them was from a movie that just came out.
- A gift for my nephew, actually. - Mm. Mm-hmm.
That you opened?
Just making sure there's no little pieces
he could choke on, Thiago.
It's cool, man. We all got some secrets.
- [sniffs] - It's not--
[grunts]
[Danny in English] Hey, how do I say,
"I think you have incredibly beautiful eyes"?
[whispering]
[chuckles]
- [in English] I didn't just say what I wanted to say, did I? - No, you didn't.
And she barely speaks English, bro.
- I like it. - You don't have a chance.
[clicks tongue] We'll see about that, bubba.
[chuckles] Yeah. Coming from the guy
who wears red Crocs, does magic tricks,
and listens to Christmas music year-round, yeah.
Uh, am I supposed to be offended by any of that?
[woman chuckles]
I'm gonna go get another drink.
Yeah. Bro, have you even tried a pair of red Crocs on?
Any color?
It's like walking on marshmallows.
Hey.
I saw you talking to what's-his-name?
Yeah, he's my boyfriend, so we gotta conversate every once in a while.
[mockingly] Oh, "So we're gonna conversate every once in a while."
- Seriously? - Is his dick bigger than mine?
What?
Is... his... dick... bigger than mine?
[country music playing]
Well, the same.
Such a nice ass. What a shame.
[crickets chirping]
[dog distantly barking]
[Louie] Hey, kid!
Hey, Louie. How you doing, baby?
From the looks of things, better than you.
I don't have any money right now, unfortunately.
Oh, that's okay, kiddo.
There's plenty of currency in this world.
You know, for someone who doesn't know
where they're going, there's no favorable wind.
That was deep, man.
Yeah. You gotta dig deep inside yourself, son.
There's more to life than booze and one-night stands, you know?
You still got the mac and cheese?
You know I do, bae.
Let's do it, then!
[gentle music]
[cell phone ringing]
[Danny] Yo, yo.
[Danny's mom over phone] Hi, Danny. This is Mom.
- Your dad has gotten much worse. - Yeah.
He's back in the hospital.
I know this is not what any of us
wanted to happen to us right now.
- I know you're busy. - Really?
[indistinct chatter over phone]
Yeah. No, of course.
- I love you. - I love you too.
[melancholic music]
[birds chirping]
My dad, uh, is dying.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
I'm sorry, son. That's tough news.
Yeah. I mean, I knew he had cancer.
You know, I just... didn't know it was this bad.
Shit, man, I gotta go. Uh, yeah, make yourself at home.
Okay, bud. You-- you do what you gotta do.
[Mickey] You doing good over there, Thiago?
- [Thiago] Mm-hmm. - You doing good?
- Doing good. - Huh? Pack that bag, huh?
You gotta put your back into it, Thiago.
[propellers distantly buzzing]
Well, look who decided to show up.
What's up, D-love?
- [exhales] My dad's dying. - [K-Dew] Oh, my God.
I thought he was getting better.
Yeah. You and me both.
- You know how much time you have? - Apparently not much.
Yeah, they just said to get there quick, so--
It's a seven-hour drive.
- I'mma take my bike. - Sure that's a good idea?
And what are you gonna do if a cop gets behind you?
- Pull over? - [all] Pull over!
- What? - We know you, D-love.
Look, I love your dad.
Everybody that knows your dad loves your dad.
But please don't do anything stupid.
[gentle music]
[Danny] It's all good, K-Dew.
And we're all caught up to when I said,
"Fuck everything my loving friends said to me."
You know, it wasn't even just that my pops was on his deathbed.
I honestly forgot about CHP helicopters.
Like a fuckin' dumbass.
Danny Jones.
If that isn't the stupidest fuckin' name I've ever heard?
Why is it a stupid name?
Honestly, it's-- there's nothing wrong with it.
You're probably a nice enough guy.
I just get bored, and I hate my life.
Okay. Here is your clothes.
Here is your helmet.
I appreciate your honesty, sir.
[sighing] Oh, fuck.
[mumbles and sighs]
[softly] I hate this fuckin' job, dude, I hate this fuckin' job.
[shouts] This job is making me fuckin' crazy!
- ["Coming Back Home" WEARETHEGOOD & scootie wop] - ♪ I've been on the road ♪
♪ I've been doing shows now we eating steak, remember ♪
♪ Sleepin' on the flo' stealing at the gas station ♪
♪ Winter time was cold in the kitchen hot ♪
♪ Still tryin' to flip it off the stove ♪
♪ Rockin' fake J's prayin' that nobody know ♪
♪ Watched them take my dawg away was way too hard ♪
♪ To stay composed fight to see the light of day ♪
♪ All this blood on my clothes I was tired everyday ♪
♪ Green light it's time to go... ♪
So, uh... did they rape you?
It was like three days, brother.
It only takes a second, D-love.
Especially with that cute little booty of yours.
- I'm good. - [laughs] I'm glad you're out.
You shouldn't have bailed me out.
- I got no money. - [scoffs]
Dude, don't even worry about it, man.
Dude, plus, I got that Iraq tour money, playa!
I am worried about it. I'mma get you back.
[chuckles] Let's just get you
to your pop's funeral, all right?
If we leave right now, we might actually make it.
["Prodigal Son" by Clayton Seavey]
[birds chirping]
[engine rumbling]
♪ A long time ago ♪
♪ These words hit home ♪
♪ A long time ago ♪
♪ I didn't belong ♪
♪ Well, I flew far from home ♪
♪ A long time ago ♪
♪ Prodigal son... ♪
[sobbing]
[sniffling]
Well, at least you made it to the funeral.
You fuckin' loser. [chuckles]
I'm just kidding. You know I love you.
But you are a kind of a loser, but you're also a Jones.
- Thanks, Katie. - [chuckles]
She's just upset 'cause your father's last words
to her were, "Katie, don't be a fuckin' loser."
- Are you serious? - I swear to God.
Whatever. Probably thought I was you.
- [indistinct whispering] - [laughs]
Hey, we're still spreading his ashes
tomorrow at Carnegie, yeah?
Yeah. I still love to ride a dirt bike.
You still gotta go to court,
but I'm still gonna cut my dirt bike.
[priest] On behalf of the Jones' family,
I'd like to thank you all for coming out today
to celebrate the life of a great man.
Now, if you would please join me in a moment of silence.
[melancholic music]
[engine rumbling]
[Danny] He was the most badass dude I've ever known.
And though he's not here with us anymore physically...
...I feel him here just as much as before.
[sniffles]
He wasn't just Papa Jones. He was a--
he was my best friend, a fuckin' leader.
Family guy.
Somebody you wanted on your team, you know.
We love you, Daddy-o.
[soft thud]
[music continues]
[sniffles]
[sobbing]
[sighs]
[crickets chirping]
Thank you, sister.
Careful with those tonight, D-bear.
I know.
You know, your father was sober for the last ten years,
and there's nothing more he wished for you.
I know.
Mm.
Some people can swim...
...some can't.
I know. I can swim.
No, you can't.
You need to learn to stay out of the water.
Probably not gonna happen tonight.
I know.
Just be careful, okay?
Yeah.
- I love you. - I love you too, Mom.
[grunts]
[music continues]
[deeply inhales]
[sharply exhales]
[somber music]
[crickets chirping]
And there I am again.
Not able to listen to a single word of advice
from those that love me.
- [crashing] - [tires screech]
- [high-pitched ringing] - [siren wailing]
[birds chirping]
[indistinct chatter over PA]
[muffled beeping]
[nurse] Danny Jones.
- How are you feeling? - [deeply exhales]
Not too good.
I, um...
...not really sure what happened.
From what I've been told, you blacked out and crashed your friend's truck last night.
Now, you don't seem to have any major injuries,
but... considering the circumstance,
you're lucky to be alive.
- [sighs deeply] - And you're also lucky you didn't hurt anyone else.
And there's a real good-looking police officer down the hall
filling out your DUI paperwork as we speak.
- Now, I don't mean to speak out of line here, son... - [loudly sighs]
...but is it possible that a change could do you good?
[sighing] Oh!
[melancholic music]
[Danny] I've tried.
I don't know how to quit.
I can't, I just don't even know...
[deeply inhales]
...where to start. [deeply exhales]
Yeah.
You know, we often don't know
how to do those hard things that we need to do.
But the most important thing is that you take the first step.
You'll learn the rest as you go.
[indistinct chatter over PA]
Thank you.
[nurse] Get some rest, dear.
[Danny deeply inhales and exhales]
- Hey, bud. - Dude, I'm done
with all the drinking, the drugs.
- I can't do it anymore. - That's great, brother.
[sighs and scoffs]
The one thing my dad wanted for me was to get sober, you know?
Oh, I'm sick of this, dude. I've--
Yeah.
I'm sick of losing, bro.
He also wanted you to spread the rest of his ashes in the sky.
Yeah. You, uh,
you still have your hockey gear, yeah?
You know this.
Are you busy?
Not that I can think of.
So there's some bastards, right?
Like, at my drop zone. Need to get their fuckin' asses kicked.
- Okay. - Uh--
You wanna get outta here?
[light inspirational music]
[scoffs] Yeah, don't you have to go back to jail or something?
I'm pretty sure I saw a police officer in the hallway.
- Down the left? - Yeah.
Think we can get out if we go right?
- We could find out. Let's go, baby. - [laughs]
Shit. You gotta help me out, I don't know what to do here.
- Oh. - Yeah, take it out.
- [screams] Fuck, dude! - [shushes]
You just gonna rip it out?
What do you want me to do? I'm not a fuckin' nurse.
Goddamn!
[suspenseful music]
[man] Oh, my God.
Come on! Come on, come on!
[sighs]
[gasps]
[indistinct muttering]
[laughs]
The white boy got booty, though.
- [laughs] - [pop music]
Yo, what's up, baby? Where's the crew?
They just went up, baby. I missed the load.
I had some Mexican leftovers for breakfast.
Ooh.
- We're cool. - [Mickey] Okay.
Yeah.
["Neon Affair" by Splize]
♪ The way you look the way you touch ♪
♪ The way you feel, yeah ♪
♪ The way you look the way you touch ♪
♪ The way you feel, yeah ♪
♪ The way you look the way you touch ♪
♪ The way you feel, yeah ♪
♪ Coming to the end of our time ♪
♪ But I don't wanna say goodbye ♪
♪ I've got feelings for you ♪
♪ But I don't wanna say goodbye to you ♪
♪ I've got feelings for you ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I've got feelings for you ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪ - Did you really?
- How was it? - Sick!
- You should try it sometime. - Funny you should say that.
Hey, your boy's getting sober, we're starting a roller hockey team
so you can beat those bitches,
and he's gonna start training to jump again.
- [K-Dew whispers] Yes! - What?
- Really? - Are we not?
Are you gonna take that from me?
Wait, wait. Is it true?
Sober? Yes.
Training to jump? Yes.
But I only got a team if you guys are willing to join me.
We're always on your team, my bro!
- [laughter] - I've been on your team
since sixth grade, bitch!
- 'Sup, Dustin? - 'Sup, K-Dew?
Calling it Operation SkyFly.
[K-Dew] Why?
[birds chirping]
- Why? - [Dustin] It fuckin' sounded--
'Cause it fuckin' sounded cool!
[Thiago] Yeah, but I'm still as broke as I was
a few days ago, so--
- Dustin's bankrolli-- - I got it.
- [gasps] - All right. [laughs]
Well, if you recall, the last time we tried
to have a conversation about roller hockey,
you told me to shut my mouth.
If we're quoting, I believe I said, "Shut up, Carl."
[Carl] Well, what I was trying to say was that I happened
to have played semipro ice hockey.
- That's badass! - [Carl] Yeah!
- [K-Dew] Yeah. - Goalie.
All right, so you're in!
Oh, I was never out, son.
- [laughter] - Fuck, yeah, baby!
Whoa! Whoa!
No one's gonna confirm if I'm in?
Yeesh. Oh, Mickey, uh, you can't really skate, bro.
Or do any athletic activity very well.
Yeah, with exception of skydiving, maybe.
- Not even. - I'll answer that with...
- ...I'm in. - Just six people? Six is... [mumbles]
- Six, it is! - All right.
- To the six! - [K-Dew] Whoo!
Time to put Cali on the motherfuckin' map, baby!
- It's already on the map. - Just let him have this moment.
- Let me have my moment! - All right.
- [all] SkyFly! - [cheering]
[triumphant music]
[mumbles]
[grunts] Fuck!
[bird cawing]
I didn't realize my curve was a little off.
[siren distantly wailing]
[crickets chirping]
I see potential.
Okay, guys.
Been giving it a lot of thought.
What we're trying to do here, what we're trying to accomplish.
And the other day, it occurred to me.
Six division titles, a President's Trophy, a Stanley Cup final.
Who better to emulate than the San Jose Sharks, huh?
I say we call ourselves the Sharks.
Maybe you got some advice on how to play, brother?
We-- the team name's already been decided, dude.
Yes, Mickey.
I was thinking that we call ourselves
"Off Consistently."
Okay, why "Off Consistently"?
Because nobody beats off consistently.
- I've beaten off consistently. - Yeah, of course, same.
Okay, so we've all beaten off consistently.
So, so, so, I already ordered the fuckin' jerseys.
[bird cawing]
Too bad you spelt it wrong.
I spelt it right. Google it, bitch.
- He spelled it right, dumbass. - Thank you.
I don't have my phone. Give me your phone.
[engines rumbling]
[clears throat] Oh, my God, dude. What have you been looking at?
- Wait, are you going through my history? D-- Danny-- - No,
it's, like, the last thing you looked at.
Well, my nephew, you know, he gets a hold of--
Your nephew?
You know, my niece and my nephew,
- those little rugrats-- - Remind me how old
your niece and my nephew are.
- The ones that look at, uh... - A-- Danny!
Give me the fuckin-- Danny!
Danny, give me the fuckin' phone!
...female wrestling domination porn.
Fuck! Stop playing with me, Danny!
You always fuckin' do th--
give me the fuckin' phone, man! It's porn!
You watch porn, I watch porn, we watch porn, she watch porn!
Phone!
Uh, yeah, you spelt it right.
- Thank you. - Anyways, guys, team name has been decided.
- Sky-fucking-Fly, okay? - SkyFly.
But out of respect for, like a, meh, idea,
uh, that'll be our team chant.
- "Off Consistently"? - Mm-hmm.
- [K-Dew] Should we bring it in? - [Danny] Yeah.
Let's bring it in.
Here we go. [shouts] Nobody beats...
[all] ...off consistently!
We'll work on it.
["El Monte" by Luke Melville]
[in English] ...2000 feet.
Chop or land?
- Land? - Chop.
Two thousand feet.
Chop or land?
- Choppy? - Dead.
[Rafaela] Mm-hmm.
[birds chirping]
[grunts]
[gentle music]
[woman grunts]
[in English] How...
...years?
Rafa...
[in English] ...if you come to our game.
[man] Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
what you've all been waiting for.
Game one of our tournament
brought to you by the one and only
Blue Clouds drop zone!
Now let's get the--
- What? - Can you play that?
We're gonna make a little intro.
- Uh, we don't-- - Just play it.
[indistinct chatter]
- ["Whip!" By Oliver Dodge] - ♪ ...just you and me... ♪
Well, folks, we don't normally do this,
but without further ado, bring your eyes to the rink,
as I present SkyFly!
♪ It's almost ready we've been craving this all week ♪
- [inaudible] - ♪ Baby, you want it, I got it ♪
♪ I'm hooked on you like phonics ♪
♪ Gotta be honest you're on it ♪
♪ And this ain't no time to be modest ♪
♪ Hook that, push that shake that, girl, take... ♪
Boo!
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Lead on, eat that recipe ♪
- Oh, God. - ♪ Whip that cream, baby ♪
♪ Put in sweet honey, baby ♪
♪ Shade up, we can cook up ♪
♪ We can stir up when we hook up just you and me ♪
♪ Whip that cream whip... ♪
Did they tie something to their dicks?
♪ Whip that cream ♪
♪ Ooh! ♪
♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-doo ♪
- [clapping] - ♪ Whip that cream ♪
- ♪ And that sweet on me ♪ - ♪ Sweet on me ♪
Yeah, don't quit your day job! [laughs]
♪ We can cook up we can stir up when we-- ♪
[buzzing]
What the shit?
Sorry about that, folks.
That was the saddest thing I've seen
since my last court appointment
when I saw my son for the last time.
Let's get on with it, shall we?
All right, listen up, I want a good, clean game
between the two of you. Got it?
[yelling] Let's go!
You will be unable to sleep every night
having visions of me!
Your mothers will weep on your graves
and your fathers will--
they'll be very upset
because I, I will have destroyed you!
I am the destroyer!
[screams hysterically]
[panting]
What?
Hey, what is this?
You bring a girl to a hockey game?
Roller hockey, bitch!
Uh, be careful what you say to her.
Just being completely honest.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
[man] And game one is underway.
Puck is dropped, Blake Kearney wins the draw--
- [K-Dew grunts] - Oh, my goodness.
Steve Bell is absolutely crushed by K-Dew of SkyFly.
How's that for a girl, huh?
- [blows whistle] - [chuckles]
Get up!
[weakly] Are girls even allowed to play?
You are embarrassing yourself!
[man] An early hit that will almost definitely be
a penalty and a power play.
[K-Dew chuckles]
- So worth it. Back off! - Get in there.
[suspenseful music]
- Bitch! - [blows whistle]
Roughing. Hit was before the puck arrived.
Two minutes. Blue Clouds. Power play.
Little girl.
[dramatic music]
- [thud] - [man] Goal, Blue Clouds!
- [thud] - Blue Clouds scores again!
- [thuds] - [laughs] Oh!
Welcome to my world! I'm better than you!
[shouting and growling] I'm better than you!
Danny... is he better than me?
[thud]
- Woo-hoo! - [buzzer buzzes]
Not looking too good for you, is it?
- Loser pants. - "Loser pants," bro?
You call my bro "loser pants"?
He say "loser pants"? He meant "loser bitch."
- [grunts] - [man] Oh!
Steve!
My goodness.
Steve is absolutely knocked out cold.
- Not again. - [man] This could be a bench-clearing event, folks.
You're next.
Clearly there's history
between these two teams.
You're dead! You're fuckin' dead.
You thought you were alive, but you're not.
You're really dead.
I got it, I know where to go.
Roughing. Two minutes.
Jesus, people, a clean game. I said a clean game.
Yeah, more like a clean...
...ass annihilation. [laughs]
What? You want your ass to be annihilated?
[laughs]
No! No, no, I didn't say that!
Let's go, SkyFly! Come on!
Blue Clouds with an early five-to-nothing lead.
This is tougher to watch than the tears streaming down my son's face
when I told him I'd never see him again.
- [thud] - [groans]
- [grunts] - [thuds]
[thudding]
[dramatic music]
[man] Danny Jones finally connects
with his ace Dustin Murphy for a goal.
[cheering]
It's nine to one. [scoffs]
Making this a nine to one nut buster.
No lube, no consent,
and it absolutely was their first time.
[buzzer buzzes]
[sighs]
- [Danny] You tape that? - Yes.
Thank you for filming, Louie.
You've got a lot to review, young man.
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
Played hard, guys, you know? At least we got that first one
- out of the way, huh? - Yeah. Hey, now we got some video footage to review.
We can learn, we can grow from this.
Hey, Carl, buddy, I thought you played semipro.
- I did. - [clattering]
It was before I needed glasses.
Were you wearing your contacts?
I forgot 'em.
- [Mickey] Damn it, Carl! - Hey, that's all right.
We're just gonna go back to the drawing board.
Carl's gonna wear his contacts.
We're okay.
[indistinct chatter]
[chuckles] Hey, Rafa.
- Oi. - Oi.
[chuckles]
Hey, Danny.
[Danny in English] So we are normally m--
well, we thought we'd be much better than that.
You guys should quit before it gets worse, yeah?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
How about I bet you my trailer we'll whoop your fuckin' ass
- and win the championship? - Oh, whoa, whoa, Danny.
- Probably... [mumbles] bad call. - [Blake] No, no, no.
Tough guy wants to bet his piece-of-shit trailer.
[shouting and growling] You're a piece-of-shit trailer!
Unless you're scared, bitch.
[laughs] Oh.
This is delightful.
And if, for some miracle of a reason,
you were to win, what would you get?
You and your lame fuckin' crew
never touch foot on our drop zone again.
Plus, your hockey and your skydive team next year
are gonna wear jerseys that I personally design.
You're gonna fuckin' love 'em.
You should probably have them throw some money
in the equation, Danny.
Mm, deal.
- [spits] - What the fuck? Why w-- why would you do that?
- Is that not a thing? Is that not a thing? - That's what the movies--
- Oh, yeah. Totally, yeah. - Spit on his face.
[Blake] Listen, I tell you what.
You guys win the championship and not us,
and, uh, not only will we do
all that weird shit you just said,
plus, we'll throw in a thousand bucks.
Should be about what your trailer's worth.
[cackles]
And we're walking.
And we're walking!
How did you get changed so fast?
- The hell were you thinking? - [groans] Oh! I have no idea.
I fuckin' blacked out. Oh, I blacked out.
- We need to get good, bro. We need to get good fast. - Fast.
[Dustin] All right, so then,
come around right here,
we'll pass, and boom.
Think that's gonna give us a lot of opportunities.
Hey, guys, come on. Heads up. Come on.
Hey, listen, I know that was a tough loss,
but we gotta keep moving forward, we gotta stay positive.
Thiago, keep working on that conditioning.
Mickey? Mickey? Hey. [snaps fingers] Come on, Mickey!
Come on, man.
K-Dew, I'm outta hockey sticks.
- D-love, anything? - Yeah, brother.
I think with those play formations
and Carl wearing his contacts,
- that we actually have a shot at this. - [Dustin] Yeah.
Uh, you guys have any questions?
Okay, great. Carl.
You've been quite the desk there.
- Something wrong? - I'm fine.
Okay, I know you're not fine. Why are you butt hurt?
Because you keep eating all the M&Ms out of my trail mix!
Okay, uh, Danny, have you been eating
all the M&Ms out of Carl's trail mix?
Yes! Every time I go on a hike, all I get is fuckin' nuts!
All right. Danny is gonna buy you some new trail mix.
Are we good here? Can we go practice?
Kinda got a lot of stuff on the line.
I'm fine.
Just M&Ms.
You guys need to hug it out or something?
[Carl] We're good.
Look into my eyes, Danny.
Uh-- no, meet my eyeline. Meet it.
- [softly] Just M&Ms. - I'm gonna write it down.
- Okay. - [Carl] "Just..."
...that's good, "M&Ms."
Thank you. If you bring me cashews,
- I walk. If you bring me-- - [Dustin] Cashews equals walk.
- Got it. - You need to shut up right now.
I'm trying to fuckin' talk.
Raisins, gone. Write it down.
What else is in trail? Pretzels? I s-- if you bring me pr--
I am overloaded on pretzels right now.
[Dustin] Do you want us to take some of the pretzels out
- of your current trail mix? - If you could--
that would actually be very helpful.
Thank you, actually.
["Mandrake e os Cubanos" by Skank]
♪ Now here we go again ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I love it ♪
[singing in Portuguese]
[thudding]
[clattering]
[yells] Fuck!
["Mandrake e os Cubanos" continues]
[cheering]
[inaudible]
[clattering]
- ♪ Huh! ♪ - ♪ Now here we go again ♪
[inaudible]
["Mandrake e os Cubanos" continues]
♪ Huh! ♪
♪ Now here we go again ♪
♪ Huh! ♪
[grunts]
- ♪ I need all the wishes yeah... ♪ - [grunts]
[man] Danny Jones with the puck.
He passes it to his main man, Dustin Murphy, who shoots and scores!
Puck is dropped and-- what?
- [grunts] - [man] Oh, my God!
- Ooh! [laughs] - Nighty night, motherfucker.
- Good night. - Motherfucker's taking, uh, sleeping pills.
Danny Jones sends him night-night time.
When he wakes up from his beautiful, angelic slumber,
he'll be questioning many of his life choices.
- [yells] - [groans]
[man] Oh, my goodness!
K-Dew lays a big one.
[hip-hop music]
I'm not sure how the ref missed that one, folks.
Another impressive save
by Carl Johnson!
Danny Jones with a goal!
- [mimics gunshots] - [groaning]
- [Danny wails] - [cheering]
[music continues]
Yet another win for team SkyFly.
This is not the team we saw on day one, folks.
This is a championship-contending squad.
[grunting]
[mimics explosion]
[cheering]
[propellers whirring]
[rattling]
[wind howling]
[indistinct chatter]
- I can't-- - [Rafaela] Come on, Danny, come on.
- No. - Let's do this, you can.
No, no, no, no. No, no.
["Orange Avenue [feat. Katie Lee Cragun]" by Ben Reneer]
♪ But if I could walk those streets ♪
- ♪ Today ♪ - [indistinct conversation]
♪ Would you still feel so far away? ♪
[both] ♪ Do you remember when I died? ♪
♪ Stepped on that airplane... ♪
- Look, Danny-- - No! This is fuckin' stupid, okay?
This is who I am now, all right? You're wasting your time.
What?
[in English] I don't understand, okay?
Take one fuckin' English class.
One!
♪ ...will the rain... ♪
Fuck this.
♪ ...will the rain ever stop ♪
♪ Will the rain ever stop ♪
- ♪ Reminding me of you? ♪ - [engine rumbling]
♪ Orange Avenue ♪
♪ There was nothing I could do ♪
♪ But sit and watch the fire ♪
♪ And rain of bullets fall on you ♪
♪ Oh, if God will send His angels down ♪
♪ And wash the blood from your cold town ♪
- [Danny] It's hard, brother. - Life is hard, Danny.
But when you do the hard things in life,
life gets much easier.
You gotta do the things that need to get done,
when they need to get done,
whether you feel like it or not.
You've gotten started, and I'm proud of you.
But you gotta finish what you started.
See things all the way through, you know?
Listen to that inner voice.
You remember the law of attraction, right?
Before anything happens out there...
...it has to happen in here first.
[light inspirational music]
All behavior is belief-driven.
See it. Believe it.
Have faith, son.
Thanks, Louie.
I'm gonna pop in and relax a little bit,
but, uh, door's open.
Mi casa es tu casa.
[dog distantly barking]
[sighs]
We've come a long way, amigos.
Fuck that, bro. Get me the puck.
[panting]
[Danny] All right, we got, uh, 30 seconds.
Get Thiago the puck. Go to the ship, baby.
All right, it's on your stick, Thiago. Let's go.
- Let's go. - All right, everybody, bring it in.
On three. Here we go.
One, two three. Nobody beats...
- [all] ...off consistently! - Let's go!
[dramatic music]
[man] Dustin Murphy and Danny Jones drive it up.
- Drop it back at Thiago Braga, who hits and scores! - [cheering]
Oh, my goodness! SkyFly wins two to one as the clock hits zero.
These derelicts are headed to the championship game
bright and early.
Fuck you!
Cancel your plans, bastards!
It's fuckin' go time!
- [buzzer buzzes] - Okay. I will work on it.
[shouting] Hey, how about that?
We are going out tonight.
I am not taking no for an answer.
Nuh-uh. [laughs]
Just soda and lime water for me.
- Good game, my bro. - Hey, you too, amigo.
Yo, D-love, you sure you wanna go out tonight
or the bar's still a trigger?
I mean no disrespect, we're all super proud of your sobriety
- and we don't wanna tempt you. - Appreciate that, K-Dew.
I'm actually gonna see if that beautiful lady right there
still wants to have a romantic evening with me tonight.
I don't know. Try not to fuck up another one, bro.
Oh, you two little lovebirds.
Hey, guys, gotta keep it cool tonight, huh?
- Big game tomorrow. - [Dustin] Yeah. Sure.
Can't be all hung over.
Whoa! Never thought I'd see the day Danny Jones would be giving us
the "Don't be hungover" speech.
Today's the day, you son of a bitch.
- [laughter] - Hey! [laughs]
- Thank yo-- - Thank you, Mickey.
Hey, I don't get hungover anyway.
- Well, you're not human, Carl, so-- - [indistinct mumbling]
Hey, nothing to worry about, brother.
You just enjoy your night with your beautiful girlfriend over there.
We'll see you here tomorrow, ready to kick some motherfuckin' ass, huh?
- Whoo! - [laughs and claps]
[in English] ...I'm an asshole.
[in English] ...I've ever seen...
- [cheering] - [K-Dew] Woo-hoo!
[dog distantly barking]
[door opens]
[door closes]
[Danny] So I got, uh, champagne...
[clears throat] ...sparkling cider for... myself.
- Um... - [clattering]
...fluids are stupid.
[hip-hop music]
- [cheering] - [K-Dew] Woo-hoo!
- That was a good one. - Damn. Nice.
Damn. I-- I'm good!
- Humble too. - I mean, didn't you see my game-winning goal?
- Were you even paying attention? - I was right there, baby.
- It was beautiful. - I know. Thank you.
I'm so hungry, I could eat my own ass.
[indistinct chatter]
What?
Okay, guys, that team was not good.
Honestly, none of these teams hold a candle
to the douchebags we gotta beat tomorrow.
Uh, speaking of those cocksuckin' douchebags...
[K-Dew] Really?
I come here all the fuckin' time,
I've never seen them here before.
I don't like it... at all.
[dramatic music]
Hello, putas. What are you guys doing here?
Uh, well, first of all, I don't speak Spanish...
- [chuckles] amigo. - [laughter]
I don't speak Spanish either, motherfucker.
I speak Portuguese.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.
No disrespect here, okay?
- No need to get all hot and sexy. - [snickers]
- What? - Nothing.
Look, last time I checked, it's a free country,
to answer your question.
Not sure how they do things in... Portugal?
It's Brazil.
Whatever, dude.
Yeah? Coming from Mr. "I lost my virginity during prom night
and I'm still a little bi-curious over there."
But, hey, guess what? So am I.
At least I admit it, just not to my dad.
- I'm not bi-curious. - That was really convincing.
And, uh, what's wrong with losing your virginity on prom night?
Nothing. You're just predictable and basic and super fuckin' lame.
[snickering]
[sharply inhales]
- Whatever. [chuckling] - [chuckles]
[laughing]
Oh... like I care.
Should we just fuck 'em up?
Yeah, I mean--
- Uh, check. - [Mickey] Fuck it, I'll dance.
Okay, g-- guys. Hey. I know I'm not typically the voice of reason,
but maybe it's best if we just wait to settle this on the rink tomorrow.
- Huh? Come on. - Yeah. You're--
- [grunts] - [Thiago] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, let me get another round.
[K-Dew sighs]
[engines rumbling]
[horn honking]
- [patrons gasp] - [bottle shatters]
Hey, guys.
I know there's hard feelings.
That's why I--
we wanted to give you this round of shots.
[rock music playing]
♪ Everyone feels... ♪
Thanks.
Yep.
Somebody broke some glass over here.
[splashing]
[Carl] Dude, fuck that guy.
He reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
Please do explain.
Well, I was her fixer-upper.
She didn't wanna see me successful, you know.
She couldn't stand seeing me successful!
- What? - I know.
No, no, no. What do you mean you are successful?
Successful in what?
All right, all right, fuck this place.
- [engines rumbling] - [horn honking]
Big game tomorrow night. Okay, I'm gonna race.
[hip-hop music]
I sure would like to fuck him in front of my husband.
You guys are weird.
I can get into it.
It's not a yes.
It's not a no.
Is it 50-50?
[clicks tongue] Go home and go to bed.
[Danny] You're my girlfriend, yeah?
[in English] Well, you are.
[chuckles]
[cell phone buzzing]
- [groans] - [cell phone buzzing]
- [buzzing continues] - [beep]
[in English] K-Dew, this better be important.
[K-Dew] Danny, you need to get to the hospital right now.
Dustin crashed his motorcycle.
Yeah, yeah, no, of c-- yeah, I'll be right there.
Dustin just crashed his fuckin' motorcycle.
- What? - Yeah, I gotta,
I gotta go. You can stay here.
[Danny] O-- okay.
[indistinct chatter over PA]
What's going on?
K-Dew, what did they say?
He's in a coma.
And they're not sure if he's going to make it.
[shouts] Fuck!
Sorry.
[melancholic music]
I can't-- I'm gonna go. Can you take her home?
Is that okay?
Just let him go. [sniffles]
[sniffles]
Hey. Where's Danny?
- [K-Dew] You just missed him. - He's all right?
- ♪ Just a little girl ♪ - I don't know.
♪ In this mean old world ♪
[sniffles]
♪ Run, running from the wounds ♪
♪ She's looking out ♪
- ♪ For a ray of hope ♪ - [engine rumbling]
♪ Set a fire to the dark ♪
[grunts]
♪ She's living with love ♪
♪ Loving away ♪
♪ Truth in her heart beats within ♪
♪ She's living to love ♪
♪ Loving away ♪
♪ Through them hearts coming back again... ♪
[Danny] Yo.
I bought a bottle of tequila last night.
I ended up smashing it.
[melancholic music]
[Danny sighs]
He picked me up from the hospital
when I crashed that truck.
He bailed me out of jail when I did my little stunt.
He's been doing those things since we were nine.
And the fact that I can't do anything for him right now...
...fuckin' sucks.
You can play your ass off.
I can play my ass off.
And as cheesy as that sounds, Thiago, you know that's what he wants.
- Damn right. - [Danny] It's gonna be tough.
Guys. He was our ace. All right?
We're all, what, three, four hours sleep, yeah?
That one dude pitched a no-hitter
on acid.
Is that true?
- Pretty sure. - MJ won a final on food poisoning.
- That's fuckin' true. - [Carl] Baby.
Daddy's got new contacts.
Special sight-improving contacts.
You ladies just need to score one goal.
That's what I'm talking about, Carl!
And since I saw it, I'll just play dirty.
Fuck it, I'll go to jail. I'll kill somebody.
- I never had anybody. - Fuckin' works for me.
- Let's do this, motherfuckers! - Bring it in!
One, two, three. Nobody beats...
[all] ...off consistently!
Let's go!
I'm gonna get changed first, though.
[dramatic music]
[grunts]
[cackles]
- [Carl] Ow. - [Blake] You think it's a game.
This is the Four Horsemen, baby!
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you brought your popcorn,
'cause today is gonna be a show.
With me, by popular vote, is none other than the amazing,
beautiful, talented, and sexy
cohost Samantha Peterson.
Thank you, JoJo, I'm happy to be here.
Yeah, you are!
Today's rivalry game is gonna be as hot and steamy
as the unprotected sex my whore of a wife Barbara had
with the entire roster of the 2016 Blue Clouds.
Y-- yes! And I hear there's a wager, actually,
some form of bet between the two captains?
What? Are you joking my dick off?
Oh, boy! If I wasn't gonna piss my pants, I am now!
Let's get into it.
Okay, the puck dropped, Danny Jones wins the draw.
He passes it back to Thiago Braga--
- [thud] - [both] Ooh!
[JoJo] That was a mama-slapper from Blakey Blake.
Steve Bell drives up with the puck now and lays one into--
Oh, my goodness! What a great save by Carl!
I've been watching Carl closely this season,
and he's just an amazing--
- Oh, my God, what is he doing? - [JoJo] Oh, no.
- Mommy, that is not gonna be good for SkyFly. - [blows whistle]
Roughing. Blue Clouds. Power play.
Well, SkyFly is more fucked than my ex-wife,
which is quite the accomplishment.
Many a sausage has passed through
that meat grinder.
[whimsical music]
[Samantha] SkyFly is now down to their only four players and no goalie.
[clattering and thudding]
Semper fi!
This is gonna be tough to watch.
[JoJo] Puck is intercepted by Blake Kearney,
who drives it down and easily scores
on a net that's as empty as my soul.
Guess it's gonna be easier than I thought. [laughs]
[JoJo] Puck is dropped. Blue Clouds sends it back to Brent Evans,
with a tricky play off the wall.
Danny Jones, unable to make the hit.
- Go ahead and score another one for Blue Clouds. - [buzzer buzzes]
- [thudding] - Blake Kearney wins the draw.
K-Dew tries to steal the biscuit. No dice.
Dear God, what is he doing?
I'll give you one second to move, loser.
[shouting] This is Sparta!
[thuds]
[JoJo] Mickey with the save.
- That was stupid. - [moaning]
[laughs]
[Samantha] I mean, I respect it, JoJo.
That took a lot of heart.
[loudly groaning]
[dramatic music]
[JoJo] Oh, Carl's coming out of the box.
- [thud] - [Samantha] Oh! Oh!
And it's not gonna be in time.
This is an early three-zero
Blue Clouds lead over team SkyFly.
Hey, sorry, guys.
[Thiago] It's okay, buddy.
Hopefully, you got it out of your system.
Well, they're not scoring again.
You guys know how many you have to get.
One, two, three. Nobody beats...
[all] ...off consistently!
[Danny] Let's go!
You gotta hand it to them.
Beaten up, shit out of luck, with no hope,
but they still seem pretty optimistic.
[scoffs]
The only thing I'm handing them
is more ass whopping.
And if I see any of you letting up,
that's exactly what you're gonna get from me as well!
Capisce?
This is not a game!
It is a game, but it's my fuckin' game!
And we always win!
It's my house!
It's on, bitch.
- Sure it seems that way. - Oh, you speak.
Hey, why do you play for these guys?
Blake actually pays for my skydives, so--
Oh.
[dramatic music]
Thiago!
- [thud] - [JoJo] Danny Jones with the score.
- Ooh! - [buzzer buzzes]
It ain't over yet, pussies.
♪ ...all rice and no beans ♪
[hip-hop music]
[cheering]
- Let's go, K-Dew! - Fuck yeah! Yes!
And we're working our asses out here,
and you're fuckin' playing like that?
Come on, guys. What the fuck?
[JoJo] Goal! Danny Jones!
That go in?
- [groans] - What did you tell me? What did you say?
- What did you say to me? Fuck off! - Oh, yeah, baby.
- Yeah, baby. Harder. - Fuck you.
[thuds]
- [groans] - Huge hit by Danny Jones.
What's up, baby? What's up?
Okay. Okay, Danny Jones, tit for tat.
Tit for tat! We can do tit for tat!
[JoJo] Danny Jones drives it up the ice.
Sends it up to Thiago.
- [grunts] - [JoJo] Oh, my goodness!
Danny Jones is absolutely crushed by Eddie Phillips!
- A cheap lame hit that, no doubt, should be a penalty. - [laughs]
[Samantha] SkyFly is looking to the ref,
but it doesn't look like he's gonna make the call, JoJo.
Are you fuckin' kidding me? Are you not gonna call that?
- I didn't see anything. - Are you fuckin' kidding me?
How much are they paying you?
- Huh? - Huh?
[suspenseful music]
This would be a great time for SkyFly to have a power play.
[groans]
Fuck.
Hey, don't you drop those gloves, son.
- [sharply exhales] - [blows whistle]
Time out.
We're not f-- you're a fuckin' serial killer.
Look at the fuckin' way he looks.
I hate hockey.
I fuckin' hate hockey!
[in English] Yeah. I see a strong future with us.
[inspirational music]
Okay, guys,
clearly, Blake made a deal with the refs, huh?
Gotta play this one straight up.
Give me the puck.
- What? - Give me the puck.
Sweetheart, you haven't scored yet.
Ever.
I feel something coming over me.
This is my moment.
I wanna make my dad proud.
[Danny] Okay.
- Okay? - Thiago, get back to defense.
[Danny] K-Dew, you get that puck up to Mickey.
Mickey, get by the net and be fuckin' ready.
Just give me the fuckin' puck.
- Carl, you have any questions? - Yeah.
So, you and Rafaela kiss,
but also Thiago and Rafaela kiss,
and I was just wondering, like, can I kiss her?
Carl, focus, man. Focus.
[dramatic music]
[buzzer buzzes]
Wow. [laughs]
Fuck 'em, dude. Nice try.
[JoJo] Mickey is just awful.
If they lose this game, it will definitely be his fault.
Dude, that was horrible. I thought it was your moment.
[JoJo] Well, you all know what that means, folks.
We got ourselves an old-fashioned Western shootout.
Quickest guns in the West, grabbing breasts and fuckin' chests.
This is as simple as it gets.
Each team gets three attempts from three different team members.
- Whoever scores the most-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it, old-timer.
Just drop the fuckin' puck.
[tense music]
Samantha, I literally cannot watch.
[Samantha] All right, well, Steve Bell has proven
to be pretty god-awful this season.
He drives it up the rink, goes straight into the goalie.
They're having some sort of WWF match right now?
- This is just a poor fight. - [grunting]
Up first with SkyFly is Mickey.
Not a promising drive. He does not score.
Next to drive the puck is Brent Evans,
who's had an amazing season.
He takes a shot and Carl is just unbeatable right now.
That's what I'm talking about. Come on, come on! You can't do that.
You can't score on me! You can't do it.
Bitch!
[Samantha] Thiago Braga with the shot.
- Mm, no goal. - Yeah!
[grunts]
- Whoo! - Blake Kearney's up next.
And if anybody can make it happen, it's him.
Why don't you marry him?
[suspenseful music]
[Samantha] Blake drives it--
- He scores. - What the fuck was that?
- [Samantha] Something looks wrong, JoJo. - [mockingly] So sorry.
[Carl shouting]
Carl is down and appears to be injured.
[Rafaela] Danny! Danny!
- Louie. - [Danny] What?
- Louie get-- got camera. - Oh, Louie!
My man. Hey. We got it on camera.
We got you seeing it on camera.
Look, dude, I don't care what they're paying you.
We get one more shot. That goal doesn't count. Period.
[light suspenseful music]
[clicks tongue] Last goal doesn't count. SkyFly's got the puck.
- Last shot. - What the hell? You can't do that.
There's no outside video review in this league!
Oh, shut up, you spoiled little brat,
before I tell your daddy that you let
all your little friends jump for free.
I let you jump for free!
Guess I gotta find a new drop zone.
Yeah, you do. You're not gonna get a dime,
and you're fuckin' done!
Put this asshole in his place, will you?
This is bullshit!
Fuck!
[dramatic music]
[crowd cheering]
- [cheering] - [JoJo] Holy-- motherfuckin' insane!
SkyFly wins the game!
[cheering continues]
[JoJo] I cannot believe it!
[laughs] I pissed myself!
I shit myself!
And goddamn it, after I finish this flask,
I'll be throwing up in the bathroom!
Meet me there if you want a cocktail!
SkyFly wins!
Barbara, if you can hear me, I still love you!
[laughing] Whoo!
- You-- - Whoo!
- Fuck that. - Whoo!
Lou, baby.
You definitely got through six of that wall, my bro.
When did you learn that move?
I have no fuckin' idea.
Hey, but it's the one, buddy.
And if you had a gun to my head,
I could not do that again.
[Thiago] Hey, let's visit Dustin, huh?
- Absolutely. - Hey, where's K-Dew?
- Where the fuck is K-Dew? - Where's K-Dew?
Well, she also had some Mexican leftovers for breakfast.
I saw her going in and out of the bathroom a couple of times.
How are your eyes, Carl?
They're not great.
Well, every blind squirrel finds his nut even--
- [grunts] - [shouts]
They're doing a little better now, though.
- [laughs hysterically] - Hey.
I fuckin' love you guys!
- [cheering] - Come on, guys, let's get out of here.
Come on. Let's go.
We're looking for Danny Jones.
Oh, fuck.
That's Danny Jones.
[officer] Danny Jones, you're under arrest.
- But what did he do? - He hasn't shown up
to three different court dates.
For two different offenses, one of which is a felony.
Mickey, I need to hide some drugs in your butthole.
[whispering] I already have some there.
- Do you have room? - [whispers] No.
Jesus fuckin' Christ, Danny.
You've been skipping court?
- [handcuffs clicking] - That is correct.
The officer's kinda cute. She's looking at me.
[groans]
I double-dog dare you to get her number.
Do you think that if I call 9-1-1, she'd pick up?
- Danny? - Rafa.
It would make me the proudest man alive
if you'd be my wife.
- Marry me? - [woman] It's not English.
- [Carl] Did he just propose? - [sighs]
Oh-- [scoffs]
Uh--
Yes?
Yes! She said yes!
...jump!
Oh, I'm gonna jump, baby, just you fuckin' wait.
Wait. How long is she gonna have to wait?
Little longer than you'd like.
Shit.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, um, is, is, is--
I see you proposing to a girl you just met from Brazil
who barely speaks English because you quit alcohol and drugs
and you're trying to get your kick some other type of weird kind of thing...
...or because you are in love?
Honestly?
- I'm gonna say both are possible. - [chuckles]
But you're still gonna go through with it?
Absolutely.
You know, she might just--
You know, she might just want your green card, don't you?
To the greatest country in the world?
It'd be my fuckin' honor.
[Danny] Well, it's not always picture-perfect.
One thing I began to realize is that most of us
go on day to day like we're gonna live forever
with a serious lack of urgency to do whatever it is that we wanna do.
And yet, at the same time,
we're all pretty much just scared as hell.
You know, I love how Louie said, "Thoughts are the language of the brain
and feelings are the language of the body."
Well, I think I'm one of the luckiest guys
that has ever lived, and I feel fuckin' amazing.
And I really hope that Dustin is okay.
And with that, I ask you to ask yourself the cheesy question,
"What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"
["Shine Out" by Kyle Scott & Topher Wright]
♪ First to do, removing all the trash and the toxins ♪
♪ Now is time to rough it up stuff is just a little leash ♪
♪ Grab the Nikes on the hills and let 'em met the fuckin' street ♪
♪ We not got that dog in me I'm ready, send it said it all ♪
♪ Laying on the line and let it ride... ♪
- ♪ Tonight, though ♪ - ♪ Tonight, though ♪
- ♪ I'm walking on a tight roll ♪ - ♪ Tight roll ♪
- ♪ The highs in the life, bro ♪ - ♪ The highs in the life, bro ♪
♪ And tonight might be the last time we get to shine, now ♪
["Wichita Nightmare Blues [In the Key of a Major]" by Jake Schlegel]
♪ Wandering through Wichita ♪
♪ Doubting my salvation ♪
♪ On account of all the ways I've gone wrong ♪
♪ And I'm lonesome ♪
♪ Lonesome and longing ♪
- ♪ I've been searching for the banks of peace ♪ - [wolf whistle]
♪ Like a river ♪
♪ With a worn out liver and... ♪
I'd like to thank everybody for coming out today
to celebrate the love of Danny Jones and Rafaela Ramos.
Wrap it up. Please.
I have to go.
Is that Andy Dick?
Happy wedding day, handsome.
How did you get Andy Dick to come to our wedding?
She paid me, numb nuts.
Twelve hundred bucks.
You are amazing.
I know.
Can you wrap it up? I got to go.
Okay. If there's, uh, any objections,
please speak now or forever hold your peace.
I object.
You can't marry her, Danny.
I love you, Danny.
I've always loved you.
Oh, no. Can you not do this?
I have a dentist appointment.
- Who are you? - Who are you?
- [grunts] - [man] Shit.
- [woman 1] Oh. - [man 2] Oh, my God.
That was--
- [man 3] What? - Whoopsie-daisy.
All right, with the power invested in me
by the beautiful district of Lake Elsinore,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Whoo! - [clapping]
- Hoorah! Yeah! - [crowd cheering]
♪ ...and I'm wandering through Wichita... ♪
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get on the airplane.
♪ ...on account of all the ways I've gone wrong ♪
- ♪ And I'm lonesome ♪ - [man] Yeah!
- ♪ Lonesome and longing ♪ - [cheering and clapping]
♪ I'm lonesome ♪
♪ Lonesome and longing ♪
[propellers rumbling]
[rattling]
[wind howling]
Is that a bag of coke?
You drug addicts!
Jump out of the plane, please. Now.
♪ You baby, I'll, uh ♪
♪ You baby, I'll... ♪
♪ ...always will ♪
♪ Oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
For the first time ever, I present to you
Danny and Rafaela motherfuckin' Jones!
- [crowd cheering] - Whoo!
[crowd cheering and clapping]
[whooping]
[inspirational music]
[indistinct chatter]
I miss my son!
Hey, Danny, um,
I was skeptical at first,
but, but I gotta say, I, I'm truly jubilant for the two of you.
What?
I'm, I'm, I'm elated.
You're what?
Danny, I'm delighted.
You're losing weight?
I'm fuckin' happy, Danny.
Jesus, just say you're fuckin' happy.
Who's teaching this guy English?
- [chuckles] - Seriously?
[Andy shouts] Yeah!
Wedding. Sorry.
You mind? Is that okay? Yeah.
- I am relaxed. - Hold on, hold on.
Wedding. Toast. Where's the bride?
Hey-ho!
[birds chirping]
God bless. Right? God--
Whoops. Oh!
[clatters]
Real quick toast.
[indistinct chatter]
[light whimsical music]
This is-- really? This is your wedding?
Are you motherfuckin' kidding me?
Whoops. That's your marriage.
This-- this is plastic! It doesn't matter.
The thing is-- is, I know I just met you.
You seem very nice.
[clattering]
[sharply exhales]
And you remind me of the stepson...
...that I wish was dead.
So, have at it!
You guys have fun. I'm gonna go throw up.
Where's the money?
- Oh-- goddammit! - [crowd gasping]
What are you-- are you kidding me?
- [clattering] - [grunting]
[thuds]
What the f-- are you out of your mind?
- [beep] - [director] Camera. Steve.
- [indistinct chatter] - [man 1] I'll be ready to go down.
[man 2] Are you gonna go down again? Will you do it or not?
- [mimics gunshots] - [Danny] That's fuckin' good.
- [laughter] - [indistinct chatter]
- [Danny] Oh, shit, dude! - [laughter]
[man 2] That's right.
- ♪ ...a smile on your face ♪ - [laughs]
♪ No one makes me feel that way... ♪
All right. All right. Cut. And, uh...
- [director] Action. - [whooping]
Speaking of those cocksuckin' douchebags
who have no mothers, and that's why they never were loved--
- [laughs] Oh! - [director] One more.
[man 1] Sad, man.
That was fuckin' sad.
- [man 2] Help me out, dude. - [man 1] It's fuckin' sad.
- [laughter] - [beep]
[director] Get a little angry on the "motherfucker."
Right, dude... [mumbles]
[laughter]
- [indistinct chatter] - [man 1] Right, right, right--
Nailed it. Lock it in.
Cool. I knew it.
[Thiago] I don't speak Spanish either, motherfucker.
I speak Portuguese.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, no disrespect here, okay?
[beep]
- [groans] - [man] Cut, cut, cut, cut.
[grunts]
♪ ...you happened to me ♪
- ♪ Now I feel like someone new ♪ - [groans]
- [screams] - [indistinct shouting]
♪ ...wait another day ♪
♪ When you're so far away ♪
I'm better than you!
[grunts]
♪ This must be love ♪
This ain't a game.
It is a game, but it's my game, and we win.
[laughter]
[director] That was good, though.
[crying] I don't have any friends!
I don't have any real friends!
Oh, Blake.
[laughs] I didn't know the shot was on me.
- [director] Take ten. Let's do it again. - Oh, my God.
[whispers] I think I've seen her on Instagram.
Can cops have Instagrams?
I don't know, but she does.
- That's wild. - [chuckles]
- [laughter] - [indistinct chatter]
Oh! Steve Bell is crushed again.
He's got the hardest--
some kind of animal that doesn't give up.
Shit on my dick-- that's what it is. Cut that.
- [beep] - Shit on my dick,
ladies and gentlemen! That was the wrong call!
I'll tell you what, SkyFly is more fucked than my ex-wife,
and that's an accomplishment.
She's had more sausage... [laughing] than a fuckin' meat store.
I'm sorry. Let me do that one more time.
It's already been fuckin' brought!
Come on. I want you to fuckin' do it!
I want you to fuckin' do it!
Oh. How cute! Can you guys jump out of the plane now?
Thanks.
What?
[yelling] Hi! Hi!
- Yeah, yeah. Not now. [yelling] - Can I open it?
- [man] Enough, enough. - I'm right!
Enough?
[upbeat music]
Damn it!
I don't even want it anymore.
- [bottle shatters] - [man] Oh!
Open!
[hip-hop music]
[squealing]
[hip-hop music]
- ♪ Uh, I heard they checking for me ♪ - ♪ Shit ♪
♪ No one checking on me so I had to go, run up a check ♪
♪ I got the message, homey ain't no flexin' on me ♪
♪ My attorney gone call and collect ♪
♪ Blessings on blessings for me my success ♪
♪ Has only made 'em envious they got upset ♪
♪ I had to put all their egos in check ♪
♪ I want the money the power respect and I heard ♪
♪ You know so-and-so you not a threat ♪
♪ 'Cause I really know so-and-so they like my family ♪
♪ So they gone pretend that they cool till they bust ♪
♪ At your motherfuckin' chest I'm getting gutter ♪
♪ My flow been like butter my check in the bank ♪
♪ They see the number all of my haters feel one of two ways ♪
♪ Really upset or they show some respect ♪
♪ I can't even think about it I been up, so read about it ♪
♪ Don't beat around it straight to it no ring around it ♪
♪ You coming for me? we'll see about it we never see you ♪
♪ When I kick my feet up a hundred meters way I run the fee up ♪
♪ It go ka-ching an onomatopoeia I had to re-up on the re-up ♪
♪ So you stay defeated and put it back into the beat ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't really need it, ugh ♪
♪ I heard they checking for me no one checking on me ♪
♪ So I had to go run up a check I got the message, homey ♪
♪ Ain't no flexing on me my attorney gone call and collect ♪
♪ Blessings on blessings for me my success has only made 'em envious ♪
♪ They got upset, I had to put all their egos in check ♪
♪ I had to, I had to...[scoff] put all they egos in check ♪
♪ You're not entitled to anything else ♪
♪ I get ten years of this under my belt ♪
♪ Your art isn't art, they don't feel it and nobody hears it ♪
♪ And it should just stayed on the shelf ♪
♪ Your ego done got it in the way ♪
♪ It gotta die today it gotta go ♪
♪ You should be happy I lightened the load ♪
♪ The weight of your arrogance heavy as stone ♪
♪ I make an appearance they already know ♪
♪ That chip on your shoulder gone crumble and fold, yeah ♪
♪ It's not a secret that you have been fearing the shit that I'm on ♪
♪ So you back to the brag and the boast but I'm in a class of my own ♪
♪ Ugh, I heard they checking for me no one checking on me ♪
♪ So I had to go run up a check ♪
♪ I got the message, homey get no flexing on me ♪
♪ My attorney gone call and collect ♪
♪ Blessings on blessings for me my success ♪
♪ Has only made 'em envious they got upset ♪
♪ I had to put all their egos in check ♪
Your team forfeits if you don't get out there.
I don't suck!
Blake doesn't suck!
Okay? Blake gets sucked!
[crying] Dad?
- ["Sugarsweet" by Zach Sorgen] - ♪ Ooh, that sugar sweet ♪
♪ You got what I need ♪
♪ Sipping on the potion ♪
♪ All that good emotion ♪
♪ Just my kinda heat... ♪
[cameraman] Ladies and gentlemen, we might be sending this
to America's Funniest Videos.
♪ ...the motion ♪
- [loud splashing] - [laughter]
♪ Live it up, live it up live it up sweet emotion... ♪
- What? - [cameraman] You almost got it.
[indistinct chatter]