[woman moaning]
[kissing sounds]
Oh Serge!
Oh my goodness.
Hm okay, this could get a bit tricky.
Hm. I mean, um, do we have a plan?
Because you're both quite large guys and ah...
..is there... [Lauren sighs]
..an order that we should...
[sighs] I guess we'll figure it out.
Oh!
[Lauren moans]
Huh?
[men moaning]
Excuse me?
I'll see myself out.
[louder] I'll see myself out.
[men moan in climax]
# I'm like a candle burning End to end #
[upbeat music]
[Ange] No, I don't know why Peter's here.
But we do have a Partner meeting tomorrow,
so maybe he'll tell me then.
Oh Lauren I'll need you there as well.
No problem. Yeah what's this--
Peter Cook's here from London.
Peter Cook?
It's her brother who she doesn't talk to.
I'm the first Cook by the way.
[laughs] Too many cooks!
What does he need?
Oh no, he's just stopping by on his way back to London.
According to his P.A.
Apparently he's too busy to tell me that he's coming himself.
It'll be budget cuts,
I'm telling you heads are going to roll!
[Ange] So tomorrow, oh he is such a pain in the bum,
when it comes to finances.
Or a merger.
So, can I get you to prepare
a full report of your quarterly billings.
Absolutely! Don't worry. I'll have a chat with Alex--
-[Alex] Huh? -[Lauren] We'll sort that out.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Cool! So how was it?
Oh my god! Well I just thought having a threesome with two men,
would be more satisfying.
Hmm. Right! Were you in the middle?
-No. -Oh god were you at the end.
No.
See that seems like an awful lot of jobs in that situation.
Not enough jobs in turns out. I feel quite let down.
Maybe it's the men that are involved.
-Next time, why don't we-- -No, there won't be a next time.
I don't want to enable two men
to disappoint me at the same time again.
They manage that perfectly well one by one.
[Ange] Oh Lauren, can I grab you for a minute right now.
I'm just about to start the report now.
Oh yeah, it'll only take a minute.
Well I was hoping for a suggestion from you.
How, how to help me with this.
[Ange] Well I just can't seem to get an actual date.
What am I doing wrong?
[Alex] Is that Tough Mudder?
[Ange] Yes! Came 75th. Woo!
That's great. Fitness is good.
-[Ange] Yes. - But that's a bit aggressive.
Oh, I see, I see.
[Lauren] No one you're going to have sex with needs to know
that you were the keynote speaker at the
'Deliberations on the Economics in Family Law'
conference in 2012.
Really?
And use a multiple choice question
with anyone you match with
and just copy and paste it to everyone.
That's a real time-saver.
And I am a very busy woman.
[cuckoo, cuckoo]
Where is the fucking potato peeler?
Oh Floss, language!
Sorry, where is the bloody potato peeler?
Well have you looked in here?
Yes! I've looked in there. It's orange.
Darling just use a knife--
It's not the 18th Century Mum,
and I've got a perfectly good potato peeler.
I think Lola must have used it for an experiment or something.
Oh. Hi Roger, Carol.
-Oh Jake. -Hi Jake.
Woo, woo, woo, easy with that knife.
[laughs]
Yes, she's peeling potatoes with a massive knife
because I can't find the bloody potato peeler.
-Oh the orange one? -Yeah.
Yeah, I took that the other day.
Why?
It's just I've been sorting out stuff
because Nancy and I are moving in to a new house,
and I realised it was still here.
You're moving?
Combining incomes? Good idea.
Yeah, it's a huge space Roger. Honestly.
Great. Well you can take that awful cuckoo clock in that case.
But you wanted that.
No, it was a present from your Mum,
but if you're moving to a massive house--
All right you two.
Well you can take that awful vacuum cleaner as well.
That's okay, I got a Dyson.
You, what!
Now, we were going to get a Dyson but it turns out--
No Dad. Sorry Dad. You got a Dyson?!
Yeah.
So I had to use that piece of shit vacuum cleaner for 5 years,
which you found on the side of the road--
It was actually a perfectly good vacuum though.
That a cat had pissed in Jake!
And now you've got a fucking Dyson.
[Jake] Yeah, it's just really quiet and efficient.
Yeah! Yeah I know.
Nice to see you guys.
[upbeat music]
[Roger] Right, that's the last one.
It's like the contents of my mind.
So when do you head off tomorrow?
8:15, be there by 3:42, give or take.
I can't wait to take the girls to see those penguins.
Oh, look at this one.
Recycle it. I can't keep every painting they do Mum.
Darling, why are you suddenly having a clear out anyway--
I just need some space.
[phone bings] Done!
Now we can call you on the sat phone wherever we are.
That's great Dad.
I think this is called 'conscious uncoupling'.
No I mean, Jake gets to start afresh, whereas I'm left
with all the shit we've collected over the years.
Look at this one. Is it Lola's?
Darling, you have to admit
her use of colour is really something.
Yeah. Bin it!
Honestly Mum I can't keep everything.
Jake gets to purge, I want to purge.
And just finishing off everyone, if we take a look at our last...
Flipping nightmare.
He wants to audit all the high profile cases,
and he's insisting on meeting all of the Associates.
Personally, I'm telling you Peter's up to something.
Hmm, maybe he's just being friendly.
[laughs] Friendly!
No! Not my brother.
[Ange] Sorry, can I just run something by you quickly?
Yeah.
I got a match.
-Oow. -I know.
His name's Javier and he owns his own dry-cleaning business.
Might be useful.
That's what I thought.
So, I sent him a multiple-choice ice breaker,
just like you told me.
"If you were a dessert - would you be:
-a) Tiramisu, -Okay.
-b) Banoffee Pie, -Hmm.
-or c) Vanilla Ice Cream?" -Okay.
Yeah, and he said,
"Banoffee Pie, because I'm tasty and full of cream..."
I'm just not sure how to reply to that one.
Yeah. Okay so, um, Banoffee pie...
[both] Bananas, toffee, cream!
Okay, yep I got it.
[typing sounds] Yes, yeah, yeah, there you go.
Just got to convert the sale.
Yes, convert the sale. Thank you.
No worries.
[Peter Cook] Your work has been very impressive, this is why...
[Ange] How soon do they respond?
Not that soon.
[upbeat music]
-Has he replied? -Yes!
Has who replied?
She matched with a successful businessman.
He sent me this.
-Oh! -[Alex gasps]
Yeah, it's his willy.
Hm-hm.
I'm just not sure why he sent it.
Yeah, 'big bananas'.
On reflection I shouldn't have put that.
"I'm a fan of big bananas"!
Banoffee pie--
Well what did you expect him to say?
I'm sorry.
They're a great natural energy source.
Big fan of potassium.
It's my first willy picture.
[Lauren] Oh sorry Ange.
No! It's okay actually. It's quite enlightening.
I haven't seen another willy in, over a decade so, hello!
[laughs]
Still, it's not very romantic is it?
-No. -No.
What are we talking about?
Just Lauren,
how she doesn't exude romance or relationship vibes.
-No, I don't. -Yeah.
[Alex] Ange, maybe apps aren't for you.
I mean they do tend towards hook-ups.
Which is the point.
Well, I mean, have you thought about making a connection
in real life?
[snorts] It's a bit awkward.
-No? -Connection, in real life?
Yeah.
So you mean actually chatting someone up, like--
Yeah.
Well I haven't chatted someone up in,
since before the internet was invented.
There's no time like the present.
[Alex exclaims]
-Really? -Hmm.
What are you doing? What's happening?
Okay, so do we go to them or do we wait for them to come to us?
Um...
Or do I just ask someone for a light?
Well, we're not smoking are we so that would be a bit weird.
Yes, it would be weird.
No, we just pick our target, then we assess.
Right. What about him? The tall guy with the red tie.
[Lauren] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do a bit of surveillance first okay.
Follow me. Bring your drink. Just keep cool okay. Be cool.
[low music and chatter]
So he asked me about ethical trades,
I said, "Well do you want to make money or not!"
[men laugh]
I don't think he's very romantic, no.
You're a busy woman Ange. Don't waste time chatting to tossers.
-No. -Okay.
Yes, cheers. No tossers.
Just keep looking until they come over.
It's quite simple.
So he won't think that I'm desperate?
I'll just keep looking. Just keep looking.
No, not glaring Ange! More like half-lidded, sort of sexily.
-Sexily? -Yeah.
-Ahh, yep, yep. -Yeah.
Like this...
No, don't chew your lip.
Um, you look a bit ill. Dial it back, dial it back.
[Lauren] Um, here we go, here we go.
It's working.
-Play it cool. -Cool.
A couple of lovely cougars.
-Hello. -Open your eyes Ange.
[man] So, which of you two want a go on this?
Sorry, what?
Me.
Are you a fairground ride?
I love fairground rides.
I'll be the ride of your life baby, I swear to God.
You wanna, you wanna get out of here.
Yes.
-No. -Yes.
-No! No Ange. No.
-God! -I don't understand.
-Hey. -Hey.
What am I doing?
I'm probably the oldest woman here.
What have I got to offer anyone?
Ange!
You are the Managing Partner of a leading law firm.
-Remember that. -Yes.
But my hair doesn't bounce anymore.
Nothing on me bounces anymore.
You should smile more.
Women look better when they smile.
Pardon?
Let me buy you a few drinks, cheer you up a bit.
Ah, she's had all the drinks thanks.
I am fine, thank you though.
Have a nice night, but thank you.
Can I ask you something?
You really think you're going to get a better offer?
What?
Well, with all the makeup you've caked on and those eyebrows.
-Okay, let's go home. -My eyebrows?
I'm just saying,
I don't think you're in a position
to be too picky are you?
Okay. Who do you think you are?
Hmm?
You've come over here, you've offered to buy her a drink,
she declined politely and now what?
You feel entitled to insult her for rejecting you.
If you want to get to know someone, be nice.
Because, do you know what?
We, don't, need you.
Can you give me a hand with my bag please.
Thank you.
Now, we get shots.
-Whoo, yeah. -Yeah.
[Lauren] Let's see a band.
[live music playing]
[music playing]
[Lauren] Oh, yeah, this...
..this isn't home.
We're not at home.
-Isn't it? -No.
I wonder what suburb do you think we're in?
Um...
Suburb?
-We're here. -Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm really hungry.
Maybe we can get a kebab.
-Kebab! -Kebab!
Oww!
Hello!
See ya later.
[Lauren] Got a girlfriend. All right. Cool.
Oh hi.
-I'm Gregory. -Hi Gregory.
-Or George. -Or George.
-It's Gregory or George. -Hmm.
Gregory George? Which one? Georgery?
-It depends on the context. -I feel a bit sick.
-Oh! -Oh god!
Maybe this will make me feel a bit better.
-There you go. -Yeah, that's better.
-[Lauren retches] -[Gregory exclaims]
Ahhh!
No, I swallowed it, it's all right.
Oh no, yeah no, it's good. Must go. Yep.
[Lauren] Okay, no worries. I'm not in the mood.
[Gregory] Yep. See you later.
Yeah, I should go home.
[music fades]
[birds chirping]
[Lauren groans]
Oh gosh.
God! [knocks bottles over]
[uneasy music]
[distorted music]
Where's my fucking bed?
Okay.
Great!
[Lauren groans]
[chicken clucks]
And when I woke up I just had this crippling loneliness.
Oh! PMT? Hang over anxiety?
But then I realised I was just hungry.
I can't stop eating. We're due on.
I can't eat because I feel awful.
I mean, why did you let me go out out?
[Helena] You didn't even ring me.
[bowl clangs on ground]
[Helena] What?
Where's my table?
[Helena] What are you on about?
[Lauren gasps] Oh no.
Lauren what the hell is going on?
I think I might have lost your necklace.
Oow!
[Lauren retches]
[Alex] No, no, no, no. Do not be sick on the Jensen.
-No I'm fine. -Yes.
It was a false alarm.
-Okay great. -Yeah.
-Get out. -Great.
Already pushing it to get to my netball finals
in time for the pre-game rituals.
Sounds a bit witchy.
It is, and now I'm hauling your sorry arse
all the way across town to collect a necklace
from some dirty rockstar's house.
Well Helena gave it to me for my 30th, so I have to find it.
This is why we don't schtub dirty rockstars.
I didn't schtub anyone, so...
And this is why we have the Spreadsheet,
so you don't go around picking up random necklace thieves.
I know! Well you were too busy
chatting up Peter bloody Cook all night, so...
And what about Ange?
She went home at three in the morning, so she's all right.
Here we go.
[Alex exclaims] [Lauren retches]
No. Go in that dead bush.
-[Lauren retches] -[Alex] Yep.
-Nope, nah. I'm fine. -Yep.
Yeah I just need some Berocca, and I'll be all right.
Okay. Is that what's in there?
Yeah. [bottle explodes]
[Lauren screams]
What are you--
Oh god, I'm so sorry.
Do you have a change? In the boot of your car?
-No! -For netball?
You guys want a tea or...
Ah, no.
Just, I wonder if you've, have you seen my necklace?
Oh cool. Yeah, no, just help yourselves.
Okay thank you.
Okay, let's hurry this up.
Ah!
Ah so, camomile or lemon grass and ginger?
Ah, no time for tea thanks.
Is this how you get scabies?
-Yes I think it probably is. -Oh.
Ah I wouldn't look under there.
-Oh god. -Jesus.
It's gold. Like with a half moon and a little curl.
Oh yeah, I was looking for that.
Yeah, no. Are you sure you were wearing it last night?
Yes I was, yeah.
Can I give you my number in case you find it please?
Ah, in case I find it, yeah okay.
-Thanks. -There's no password.
Okay, yep.
Just ring me if you find it.
It's really precious. Thank you.
[Gregory] You're welcome. And hey, thank you.
[upbeat music]
I didn't realise that you played netball.
Ah yeah, I started again after the split.
Keep the serotonin flowing.
You don't strike me immediately as a netball player.
-Oi! -Well, yeah.
I was captain of my university team.
-Okay. -Yeah.
So how many hobbies does one elderly man need?
Elderly? Thank you.
Um, two aerobic. Preferably three emotionally stimulating,
and creative ones, and ah, hopefully one culinary.
Oh yes, the off milk.
The Kefir.
There must be a word for someone like you?
Who compulsively collects hobbies.
Yeah, yeah. Changeling.
Bon vivant. Is that a word?
[Lauren laughs]
-Enigma. -Enigma.
I was thinking more like of a hobby hoarder.
-Ah, it's two words. -So bon vivant though.
Well you can piss off because you're just jealous.
Yeah I am jealous,
I'm jealous of someone who has time for hobbies.
Jealously is a curse so...
[Alex] And Anna scores the winning point.
It was beautiful. [cheers and whoops]
Show us that pivot Alex.
Oh look at that, look at that. Look, he's so flexible.
It's all in the hip swing.
Yeah. Hot yoga.
Don't give him another hobby, please.
Hot yoga? Yes good for the core stability too.
Oh god.
[Matt] Yeah, see ya later.
You should carve out some me time for yourself Loz.
Should I?
Just something simple, and wholesome.
A way to while away the few years you've got left.
If you tell me to start quilting
I may have to vomit on your face.
We should quilt. We should totally quilt.
-I have an overlocker. -I bet you have.
I bought one in a garage sale.
[upbeat music]
[Helena] So, did you find the necklace?
Ah, I'm working on it. I'll find it.
[Helena] Rosa hey. Give him back his football.
What about all your clutterjunk?
You finish clearing out?
Clutterjunk is not a word.
Oh my god! You should paint.
I don't need to paint.
Well I just did my front door. Did you get the pictures?
Yeah, seven of them.
So much better, right?
Ah, wasn't it already a sort of pinky brown?
Flynn!
[Door bell] Oh got to go.
Find my necklace.
I will, I will.
Hey. Oh!
Oh!
-Hey. -Hi.
Sorry, I was just getting ready for bed.
Yeah. Ah, I was just thinking...
-You okay? -Yeah, are you?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking today was really fun.
-Yeah it was. -Hanging out and...
It was really fun.
Hm.
-Having a laugh and... -Hm.
Just thought maybe you...
Yeah.
-Yeah. -Hm.
-Yeah. -Yeah, I think so.
[Alex laughing] Well this is a shit show.
Yeah, it'll be fine if I avoid him.
Yeah, well that's going to be easy,
He's your friend, he's your neighbour,
he's Jake's best mate, he's the local paramedic.
Yeah, I won't get injured, I'll avoid all paramedic emergencies.
You do realise you can't sleep with him ever again.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause that's three times right?
-Exactly, yeah. -And then you know?
-Unless you want a-- -No, do I want a boyfriend?
No!
[upbeat music]
[Ange] Oh Lauren, before I forget. I found this.
Oh my goodness!
I know! Remember you nearly lost it
in that poker game with the tree surgeon.
Yes!
Yes. I sorted it out. So it's fine.
Thank you. I've been looking for it. Thanks so much.
Oh I appreciate it. Thank you.
Oh it's a pleasure.
[Alex] Well I for one am thrilled we spent so long
rummaging around that disgusting house for absolutely no reason.
I thought it had slipped off.
[Dallas] I have a delivery for ah...
[Alex] Oh shit, shit, shit, shit! I'll call security.
No. No, wait.
-[Dallas] Angela Cook. -Yes, that's me.
-Hi. -Hello.
Did you order a Dallas' Delicious Hamper for Ange?
[Lauren] Hm-hm.
Well we have a ready made match making tool at our finger tips.
[Alex] Look at you being a good witch.
[Lauren] Yeah.
You actually used the Spreadsheet
to provide someone with real human companionship.
-Yeah, well -That was, that was quick.
[Lauren] Well, he's a fast charmer.
[woman] Mr Cook.
[Alex] Hmm.
-Did he just wink at you? -Hmm?
Um, I didn't really want to tell you this now.
[laughs nervously] Has anyone ever told
you've got like a very penetrating gaze.
Peter Cook offered me a job in London.
-Right. -Hm.
Well, not so much a job as a promotion,
like a really big promotion.
Lots more money, some really big clients and it's in London.
Yeah, you said.
England.
Great.
[gentle music]
[turns tap off] London, England.
In London, England. I know where fucking London is!
Fucking snake, Peter bloody Cook poaching my best friend.
I don't have a dining table.
I don't have a fucking bed,
and this clock can fuck off!
You bitch! You can fuck off!
Come on, piece of shit, get off!
Come on, get off!
[electrical crackling]
[Lauren screams] Oh you're fucking joking!