(DRUM ROLL)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(UP-BEAT MUSIC)
(MEXICAN STAND-OFF MUSIC)
(WHEELS CREAK)
Nice plates, eh?
What happened to Wog Boy?
Sold them. How do you know about those?
How do you reckon, Malaka?
Hey. We doing this or what?
(WHEELS CREAK)
You got balls, mate.
(MEXICAN STAND-OFF MUSIC CONTINUES)
Sure have, mate.
(MEXICAN STAND-OFF MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ENGINE REVS)
(ENGINE PUTTERS)
(FEARFUL GASP)
(ENGINE REVS LOUDLY)
(ENGINE PUTTERS)
Awesome. They're gonna have a drag race.
Make sure we get it all.
(TYRES SCREECH) (ROAR)
(CHAIN JINGLES)
(ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH)
(LAUGHS)
(TYRES SCREECH AND ENGINES ROAR)
(GASPING)
Japanese hybrid piece of shit.
I'm sorry. No offence.
Konichiwa.
(UP-BEAT MUSIC)
Hey. You free, farken? Yeah, sure, mate.
Hey, you know, you remind me of someone
I haven't seen in a long time.
Who, farken? Tony Yugoslav.
That's my cousin, farken. No way!
What for your name, farken?
Steve Karamitsis.
Hey! I know you. (LAUGHS)
You're the Wog Boy, farken. (LAUGHS)
My cousin, he tell me many stories.
How is he? Ahh, he go back to Serbia.
He buy chicken farm, farken.
Yeah, of course he did.
And what's your name, mate? Tony, farken.
No shit. Yes, shit.
We are all Tony - my cousin, my cousin's cousin,
and my other cousin, farken.
But Steve, this my wife, Dragana.
Hello, farken.
My sons, Tony and Tony.
BOTH: Hello, farken. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Steve, you have family?
No. I'm single, Tony.
BOTH: Oh!
Steve, this is no good.
Man without family is nothing, farken.
(LAUGHS)
Everything OK?
Ahh, yeah.
My wife, she say you are good man
and one day you will find wife, farken.
(BOTH LAUGH) OK.
Let me get the door for you, huh?
There you go. Come on through.
BOTH: Thank you, farken.
There you go. Good. Alright. OK.
And where are we going today, Tony?
Train station.
I am Protective Services Officer, farken.
Oh, top job. How did you get that?
My cousin Tony, he works for government, farken.
(LAUGHS)
Steve, you give me number, we talk later.
But now I late for work. Let's go, farken.
Yeah, you got it, farken. There you go. Jump on in.
Yeah. All good.
(ENGINE STARTS) STEVE: Here we go.
(UP-BEAT MUSIC)
(MUSIC ENDS)
(CAR APPROACHES OUTSIDE)
(ENGINE IDLES)
MAN: Who is this guy?
A has-been who was famous for 5 minutes
about 20 years ago.
And I'm going to destroy what's left
of his pathetic life.
(WHISPERS) He's coming.
ALL: Surprise!
(SING A HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG)
Happy birthday, Steve!
ALL: Happy birthday, Steve. Happy Birthday
Blow out the candle and don't forget to make a wish.
(CHEERING)
(CHANTING) Speech, speech, speech!
Thanks, guys. This is great. Thank you so much.
And Jagveer,
thank you for that Punjabi birthday song, mate.
Just like you it was fully sick.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey! Where are we at for birthday drinks, huh?
The beers and papadums are on me.
Steve, I have to go
and pick up my son from soccer practice
but you guys have fun.
I'll see you tomorrow. OK, mate.
Bye.
Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Pardeep. Hey?
Sorry, Steve, today is Baisakhi,
the harvest festival of Punjab.
Hey, you should come.
The famous Indian rapper, 50 Rupee, will be there.
Have you heard of him?
Hey you know what, mate, I just remembered.
My family's doing something for me tonight, you know?
Yeah, sorry, mate, we'll do it some other time, huh?
Thanks for everything, guys. See you soon.
Yeah, Steve. OK, Steve.
(RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
Hey Steve! Come here, look, look.
That's the best farken tomatoes you're ever gonna find in your life.
Did you get the rent?
Ah, rent.
Hey, Steve, you pay... (WHISTLES) cash?
Yeah, of course. I'm Greek. We invented cash.
But where you leave? I no get it.
With your wife. My wife?
Yeah. No, no, no, no, and no!
No, Steve. No leave money with my wife.
Bloody shit. Now she's gonna spend all the money at the poker machines.
OK.
Hello, Steve!
Happy birthday for you.
Why, Steve. It's your birthday? Yeah.
How good, yeah!
Ahh, Steve, this is for you. Happy birthday.
You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.
It's no trouble, no trouble.
Just taken me eight hours.
Come on, this is for you. Blow out.
Only find the one. OK.
Come on, blow.
Push, blow. Come on.
Ha, very nice! Very good. Alright.
Now come inside now,
we cut the cake, we eat,
and we watch the 'Walker Texas Ranger'.
Ahh.
Tonight on the television it's a marathon. Ten hours.
Steve, I love the Walker. Come on. Oh, I love the walker.
Thank you, Giuseppina, Vince.
But the thing is, I've invited
someone very special to come and see me tonight, if you know what I mean.
Ahh, special.
Special. Very nice.
Alright, you take the cake, you give her one piece. Come on. Take.
Ahh. OK.
Special, huh?
Steve, how much you pay?
Vince!
Outside later. Steve is a good boy.
He's not like your son who's always going looking for sluts.
Oh, good.
Where's my father? Boh!
Go find him, please. You stupid bastard.
I hate you.
Alright, Steve. You have a nice night, huh.
And if this girl is nice, hurry up and get married.
You start to get old now.
Almost on the pension.
And...
you start to look like shit.
Like Vince.
Alright, ta-da!
Mah!
Listen, Steve. Not be stupid and get married.
If I was in your socks today I would have nine girlfriends.
It's one for every day of the week.
But I get married and now my wife, she hates me. You know?
But what am I going to do, Steve?
Get a divorce? And walk around with the shame?
Oh, no Steve. No way.
Listen, we just hate each other forever and then we die.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, boy, look at my lemon trees.
It's come big and strong because I piss on top every day.
Hey, Steve. Whoa!
Oh, sorry.
Come. Come and piss on my lemon trees.
No thanks, Peter.
Why not?
I piss and the Calabrese from across the street is a piss.
The Chinese from next door, he's a piss.
Even the priest.
Come on, Steve, piss.
No. I'm alright, Peter.
Alright. Alright, at least taste my lemons.
Every time you taste my lemons you taste the juice of Pino.
OK. I'll see you later, guys.
No.
Eugh, doesn't matter.
Greek piss got too much garlic anyway.
Mah! Put your dick inside your pants and come inside.
Walker's starting now.
Oh, I love Walker.
Walker's piss is a strong one, it's like concrete.
(MICROWAVE BEEPS)
(ON TV) Good evening, Australia. I'm Derryn Hinch and welcome to '24 Hours'.
Tonight we begin the program
with a sad story about a recent social phenomenon
that affects more people in this country than anyone ever realised.
Whether they are divorced, widowed, or just unlucky in love,
thousands of Aussies have given up on any chance of ever finding a partner.
They're probably sitting in front of their TV right now, all alone,
eating a microwave dinner, and thinking, how did my life ever come to this?
Our reporter Susan Vance takes a closer look into this modern day...
Shut up, Derryn!
If I put 'Malaka' into my GPS it'd take me straight to your place.
It doesn't matter what the function is,
weddings, anniversaries, baptisms, you name it.
We guarantee you the best pizza you've ever had.
And just for giving Mario's a chance,
we we're gonna offer you free delivery.
Isn't that right, Dad?
Yeah, that's right, Franky. Forget the Goober bullshit.
Your order from us and we deliver to you for bloody free.
And with 83 shops right around Australia,
there's bound to be a restaurant near you.
So...
BOTH: Tell the Goober "Ciao" and call Mario's Pizza now.
(PUTS REMOTE DOWN)
Happy birthday, Steve. Happy birthday.
('MR LONELY' BY BOBBY VINTON PLAYS)
# Lonely, I'm Mr Lonely
# I have nobody for my own
# Now I'm so lonely
# I'm Mr Lonely... #
(CHUCKLES)
No way. # Wish I had someone
# To call on the phone. #
Hi.
Hey.
Just going to 295 Johnson Street, Princes Hill, please.
OK. No probs. Thanks.
Hi, Cleo.
Ahh...
Steve. Steve Karamitsis.
(LAUGHS) Steve?
Yeah. (CHUCKLES
Wow. I can't believe it.
It's been such a long time.
Yeah.
What, like, gosh, I think 20 years or something.
Ahh, yeah, just about.
Maybe 18 years and a bit.
So, how's it all going?
Oh, well, let's see.
Last time you saw me I was wearing a cool leather jacket
and driving a '69 Valiant Pacer.
And now I'm driving this taxi and wearing this ugly shirt.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, I reckon things are going just great.
Aw. Steve, there's nothing wrong with driving a taxi.
Besides, I think the shirt looks cute.
Ahh, not really but yeah, thanks.
(CHUCKLES)
We met at Chasers Disco.
Right? Yeah.
Yeah, I saw you and your girlfriends at the bar and I bought you some shots.
Yeah, that's right. (CHUCKLES)
What are they called again? Cock-sucking Cowboys.
Yeah. So '90s. I love it.
Hey, how's your best mate? Frank.
How's he going?
You guys used to do that awesome dance together.
Yeah. I haven't seen him in a while.
Oh, right.
Remind me again, how long did we go out for?
One week.
(SUCKS THROUGH TEETH)
Wow. I was quite the temperamental bitch back then, wasn't I.
(LAUGHS) No. You were too smart. You still are.
(LITTLE CHUCKLE)
Hey, I noticed you're still wearing that evil eye necklace.
Yeah. Yeah.
Is it the same one?
Yeah, it is. God, I can't believe you still remember it.
It used to be my grandmother's. Yeah, your grandmother's.
She gave it to you for good luck.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, this is me. Just here.
Oh, just here? Yeah.
No probs. Thank you.
There you go.
Thank you. That's OK.
I'll just pay on card, please.
No, that's OK. This one's on me.
Oh, come on. Are you sure? Yeah.
Next time you see me out and about just buy me a Cock-sucking Cowboy.
(LAUGHS) OK.
Although, I'll have to explain to those millennials it is just a drink.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Yeah.
You know, you actually deserved longer than a week.
My bad.
Take care, Steve.
Yeah, you too. Thanks.
Hey. I don't know what happened between you and Frank
but I hope you guys can fix it.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(STARTS ENGINE)
(UP-BEAT MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey, Mario's Pizza?
What?
No, we don't do no gluten-free pizza
and if we did it wouldn't be for free.
Idiot. (PHONE CLATTERS DOWN)
(BELL OVER DOOR RINGS)
Hey, look who's here. Re Malaka, where have you been?
Good to see you too, Theo.
What's it been now, eight years. Eh?
Hey, you know, I've had stuff to do.
Is Frank here, mate?
No, he don't come in here anymore.
He stay home with his mansion and count the cash.
He drive a Ferrari.
Really?
Steve Karamitsis. Is that you?
You've got 83 shops now and you're still here working.
Ahh, you know me, Steve, I never stop working.
(ALL CHUCKLE) Good to see you, Mario.
Good to see you. Yeah.
Hey, I like this new shop, huh?
These pictures, are they your family?
I have no idea who they are.
The designers put them up there.
I think because they're better looking than my family.
(LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS) It's good to see you, Steve.
So, how are you doing? Are you married? You got kids?
No. I've kept out of that prison.
Prison, eh? You need a son to carry your name or it stays with you.
Hey, relax. Relax. Leave him alone.
Yeah, relax.
You know, Steve, seeing you here reminds me of the old days.
But this neighbourhood is different. It's a whole new crowd.
All these bloody hipsters.
The other day one come in and says to me, "Do you have Afterpay?"
I said, "Of course you have to pay, everybody have to pay. Stronzo"
(COUGHS) Mario. Calm down.
Come on. Relax. Sit down.
The doctor tell you to take it easy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sit, Steve. Sit. (CHAIR SCRAPES)
You know, Steve, we're family, yeah? Capisce?
Mario, I'm sorry it took me this long to come and see you. Alright?
It's alright. Shit happens.
But go and see Frank, yeah?
He misses you.
You two have to look after each other, Steve. Capisce?
OK, I will.
Hey, Mario, is quiet now.
Why not go out the back and have a rest. Hey?
Yeah. Good idea.
Get up.
And I'll bring the tablets that the doctor give you.
Come on.
Oh and don't forget to say hi to his ball-busting wife for me, yeah?
(RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
(CHUCKLES)
(BUZZING)
FRANK: You've got the wrong house, dickhead.
Hey, Frank. It's me, Steve.
Steve? What are you doing in a taxi shirt?
What do you think? I'm a cabbie.
No way! (LAUGHS)
Mate, are you gonna let me in or what?
Yeah. OK.
Yeah, drive through, all the way to the top.
(WISTFUL MUSIC)
I don't believe it. You're still alive.
Hi, Frank.
Up there?
Yeah, man. Up the steps.
The fuck, man?
You alright?
Yeah, I'm OK. But you on the other hand, wow.
I guess you need a lot of dough to make a lot of dough, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Still a smart-ass.
It's good to see.
Do you remember why the two of us
stopped talking to each other back then?
Yeah, you told me I couldn't be your best man
and I remember getting upset about it.
Nope.
Not a hundred percent correct.
See, I was trying to explain to you
that because I'd already asked you to be my best man at my first wedding,
well, it was bad luck to ask you a second time.
And do you remember what you said back to me?
Er... No.
You told me to go home and fuck my shoe because there'd been a...
C-U-N-T in it all day.
Whoa! That was pretty harsh, huh?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I'm sorry, Frank. Alright? I wanna apologise.
Eight years later you pop up here onto my doorstep wanting to apologise.
Well, you know what, (FOREIGN WORD) you can go and get f...
Frank, what's going on?
Hey, babe. Look who's here.
Steve.
Wow. It's nice to see you.
Yeah, nice to see you too, Angela.
Well, what are you both hanging out here for?
Frank, invite Steve to come inside.
Yeah. Come inside.
Thanks, Frank.
(SUCKS IN QUICKLY THROUGH TEETH)
(AWKWARD MUSIC)
Nice place.
Nice?
(SCOFFS) It's better than nice, mate.
Look, look at all this furniture. This is Versace.
Do you know Versace?
Yeah, the clothes designer guy.
That's right.
He's dead now.
Hey, here's the family.
This is little Mario. Hey. Say hello to my old mate, Steve.
Hey, Steve. You like my hair?
Dad said the curls get the girls.
(GRUNTS) They sure do. Nice to meet you, Mario.
Hey, you've got your nonno's name, huh?
Yeah. Nonno says Mummy's a gold digger.
FRANK: Anyway.
And this is my little angel, Alexis.
Hello. SYNTHETIC VOICE: Yes.
No, not you. My daughter Alexis.
SYNTHETIC VOICE: How can I help you?
You believe it?
Some dickhead went and named the voice on that computer
the same name as my daughter, Alexis.
SYNTHETIC VOICE: Yes. How can I help you?
But Steve, you know what? It's amazing.
Anything you want it to do it does.
What's it called again, babe?
Home automation.
Home motoration. Home motivation.
Unreal. You gotta get one.
Watch this, Steve.
Alexis, turn off the lights.
SYNTHETIC VOICE: Lights off.
OK, Daddy. No, not you, babe.
ANGELA: Frank would have I told you about playing with that thing
when your daughter's in the house?
Alexis, turn the lights on.
SYNTHETIC VOICE: Lights on.
See? ANGELA: Get rid of it or I will.
OK.
So nice to see you again, Steve.
You too, Angela. Take care.
CHILDREN: Bye, Steve. Bye, kids. Nice to meet youse.
Bye.
They're nice family.
Married life, mate.
(SIGHS)
So, what's going on, Steve? You shacked up or what?
No. No, I'm single.
Single, you? Since when?
Since Zoe left to me and went back to Mykonos, you know.
Ahh.
Now it's beginning to make some sense.
You and Zoe break up just before my wedding,
you take it out on me,
you spend the next eight years in some sort of heartbreak coma.
Coma? Mmm.
No, mate. I'm alright.
(SCOFFS) You're alright? Come on, make.
Look at yourself. Look at you.
You used to be Steve Karamitsis, the OG.
Now you're just a sad and lonely W-O-G.
Nah. I'm not that bad.
Not bad? No, really? Oh.
So, who have you got on the chick radar? Anyone?
You know who jumped in my today?
Cleo. You remember her?
Cleo.
Yes, I do. Cleo, that hot Egyptian chick.
She dumped you after a week, didn't she?
Yeah but you know what she said? No.
That dumping me was her bad.
Yeah. That I deserved more than a week. Huh?
Mate. Mate, she was coming onto you.
Really? Yes, dickhead!
Of course she was.
Do you know where she lives?
Where I dropped her off, I suppose.
Well, what are you waiting for?
You've gotta get back there, Cheech.
You've gotta get back there now. Now?
Of course. She's waiting for you.
You got her all hot and bothered again for a bit of that souvlaki
and then you what, you drove off?
What's the matter with you? You think so?
Yes. Come on. Let's go.
You've gotta get there now. You gotta go.
Alexis, open the door. SYNTHETIC VOICE: Door opening.
SYNTHETIC VOICE: Door closing.
I think you're right.
She was waiting for me to ask for her number, wasn't she?
Yes. Thanks, Frank.
And it's good seeing you again, you know.
I'm sorry that I called you a C-U... No, thanks, mate. Don't worry.
Come here. Come on.
Good? Yeah. I'm alright.
Hey, Cheech. Come here.
Zoe would have stayed in Australia, you know.
She loved you.
You just didn't fight hard enough to convince her
that you felt the same way.
You know what I mean? Yeah. I know.
Back then I had my head too far up my own culo, you know?
Yeah.
See you, Frank.
Fuckin' Greeks and their egos.
Alexis, open the door.
Open door, Alexis.
Open the door!
Alexis is no more.
Get the fuck inside.
Fuck!
Geez!
And as my mother, the late, great, Raelene Beagle-Thorpe
would always say,
"No-one has a right to actually be in this country if they weren't born here."
Mmm. It's good.
I love that picture of Mummy.
Clayton.
Always good to see you, little brother.
Mmm.
Yes. This was just before the Wog Boy ruined her life.
I have updates on Operation Tzatziki.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Do tell.
I already have him on video
committing about a dozen illegal acts in his taxi.
Excellent.
But it needs to get much more personal. Understand?
You got it, big sister.
Mmm.
Clayton.
With the Wog Boys, it's all about the famiglia.
The famiglia.
Mmm.
Now, where were we?
(SNEAKY MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
Yeah?
You free?
Nuh, I'm not free, mate.
(KNOCKS ON WINDOW)
What?
Then, what are you doing?
What are you, Neighbourhood Watch?
Just call another cab. Yeah?
Yeah, fuck cabs. I'm calling a Goober.
You know what? Go back to watching porn and pulling your dick, you loser.
I'm not watching porn, mate.
And my dick is in my jocks. I buy them extra large so it can fit.
(MOUTHS) Fuck you.
(SNEAKY MUSIC)
(RAISES SEAT)
(STARTS ENGINE)
(CROWD CHEERS ON TV)
COMMENTATOR: A kick potentially worth millions.
Shoot again!
(PHONE RINGTONE)
You calling me from her bed?
No, I'm following her in a Goober.
She's with some young guy.
How young?
Oh, about 18, 19.
Hey, how long ago was it that you and Cleo did the hokey pokey?
Oh, about 18 years and a bit.
This kid, has he got one eyebrow and a big nose?
No. But he's a real smart arse.
Yep. Good chance he's your kid.
My kid?
You reckon?
Did you use a franga?
I can't remember anything.
I had too many Cowboys that night.
They're going into that nightclub, Privilege.
OK.
Park the car, go in, and start talking to her.
Yeah. Alright.
ANGELA: Frank? Switch off the TV and come and help me put the kids to bed.
Hey listen, Steve, I've gotta go, alright?
Storytime for the kids. OK.
Have fun.
(UNCLICKS SEATBELT)
(FUNKY MUSIC COMES FROM INSIDE)
Hi.
I'm Steve. What's your name?
Sapphire. Door bitch from hell.
Yeah, right. It's nice to meet you.
How may I help you tonight?
Well, Sapphire, I would like to come inside your club
and spent a shitload of money, if you know what I mean.
Sorry. Tonight's for members only.
Please, can you step aside?
Thank you.
Come on in.
Hey, Sapphire...
(CHUCKLES)
I think I paid you that membership fee before, if you know what I mean.
Listen, mate, we have a strict no dickheads policy here.
So if you don't piss off right now, I'm gonna call security onto you.
If you know what I mean.
Well, give me my hundred bucks back.
Take it easy, mate. Take it easy, alright?
Whoo!
(CONTINUES MAKING TAE KWON DO-LIKE SOUNDS)
Eugh!
I just got up to Green Belt in Tae Kwon Do.
You know what that means, mate? You know what that means?
I'm a killer, mate. These hands could kill you, mate.
With just a chop like that. On your neck, dead.
Dead, mate. Dead. You understand?
Don't look at me like that, mate. You're getting me upset now.
Don't look at me, mate. Look away, look away.
Alright?
Ha! Ho!
Ooh!
(COOL MUSIC PLAYS)
# He's the man
# With the plan
# Goldi, Goldi
# He's the man
# With the plan
# Goldi, Goldi. #
(CROWD CALLS OUT EXCITEDLY)
(INDISTINCT SPEECH) Calm down.
I like his jacket. Let him in. Oh!
Whoa! Bro!
STEVE: Goldi!
Goldi!
Can I come in, mate?
Who's this dickhead?
Just gave me 100 bucks.
Fuck him off. (MAN SNIGGERS)
Yeah, you're allowed in. Thank you very much.
What's your names? Tom and...
Dion.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(MUSIC, YELLING, AND LAUGHTER COMING FROM INSIDE BUS)
Pardeep?
(QUIETLY COUNTING)
Pardeep!
Steve! Good to see you, my man.
Hey, looking good, bro. Oh, thanks, mate.
Hey, what are you doing here?
On Saturday nights I host this party bus.
It's my side hustle.
Ahh, that's great.
No, it's not great, it's terrible.
I have to listen to these screaming kids, the loud music,
and then at 5am I have to clean up the vomit off the back seat of the bus.
Yeah, right.
So, you're taking them into Privilege?
Yes. Just for an hour.
Pardeep, I need you to do me a favour, mate.
Of course. Steve, anything for you.
There's this girl I need to talk to inside Privilege
but they won't let me in.
Oh. Leave it to me, I'll go tell them you're the Wog Boy.
Yeah, no, that doesn't work anymore, mate.
But maybe I can be you.
You want to be Indian?
No, a party bus host.
Oh, right. Yes.
No probs, my bro.
Here. Take these and give one to everyone on the bus.
I'll go and get a kebab.
I'll see you in an hour.
Hey, do you need any pickup lines?
No, I'm good.
OK, Steve. Good luck.
Thanks, Pardeep. Thanks a lot.
(LAUGHTER COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUS)
(CHANTING) Show bag, show bag, show bag.
(LAUGHTER) Show bag.
Why do they call you Show bag?
Because he's full of crap. (LAUGHTER)
Cyclone, Cyclone, Cyclone. Oh!
Cyclone, I get it.
'Cause your first name's Tracy.
(SCOFFS) Nuh.
It's 'cause Cyclone loves to blow.
And she loves older men.
Ahh.
(WET SOUNDS)
Anyway, my name is Steve, everyone.
I'm filling in for your host while he goes and grabs a kebab.
And these are your VIP passes!
(CHEERING)
So, there you go, mate.
You wear these at all times so they know you're from the party bus.
And we won't have any issues getting in. Yeah?
There you go, mate.
No, don't worry about Ruben, mate, he's not gonna be able to get in anyway.
Why's that, Ruben?
Maybe it's the colour of my eyes. Ooh!
Hey, Ruben, do you know what all the kids at school used to call me?
Wog Boy.
(ALL CHANT) Wog Boy, Wog Boy, Wog Boy.
So, when I got my first car, do you know what I did to stick it up 'em?
I put Wog Boy on my rego plates.
They let you do that?
Hey, Ruben, too bad you can't fit your surname on a rego, eh?
Nalabalumi. (CLICKS TONGUE)
STEVE: Hey, what's your name? Whisper.
'Cause you can't keep your mouth shut, right?
(LAUGHTER) ALL: Ooh!
Hey, Ruben. In this country, every new arrival cops shit, mate,
from people like your mate here.
It's just the way it is. Alright?
But here's the thing.
You keep knocking on that door real loud and eventually they'll let you in.
You know what I mean?
GUY: Hey, Wog Boy, are you sure we're gonna get into Privilege tonight?
Hey, Show bag, where there's a wog there's always a way.
Hey, Whisper, make yourself useful.
Go hand these out to everyone on the bus, alright?
I'll see you guys outside.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
STEVE: Great, OK. Follow me, alright?
OK. Just all together, all together.
Hi. We're all from the party bus. I'm sure you've been expecting us.
OK. Here's the rules.
They're all allowed in till 9pm
and they'd better be out before the cool crowd arrives.
Understand? Got it.
OK, everybody, let's head in.
They're allowed in, not you.
Should have kept that hundred,
could have bought yourself a better disguise.
OK, everybody, I'll see you back on the bus.
Have a fun time.
Ruben, you're in, mate.
Amazing. My first time.
Guys, stop!
What do you mean? Let's go. It's time to party.
Not without the Wog Boy.
Wait here.
(SNIFFS)
Hey!
Either you let our party bus host in or none of us are going in.
OK. Bye-bye.
You know, I guess I'm gonna have to
show my 200,000 Insta followers what you said before.
(RECORDING) They're only allowed in till 9pm
and they'd better be out before the cool crowd arrives.
(SNIGGERS)
Yeah, I think that's called discrimination
but what would I know,
I'm just a poor, disadvantaged working class girl
from the western suburbs.
(SIGHS)
Let him in.
Yes!
Wog Boy! Wog Boy!
(CHEERING)
(UP-BEAT DANCE MUSIC)
The shots are on me.
We need ten Cock-sucking Cowboys.
The gay bar's across the road. (LAUGHTER)
Ahh yeah, good one. It's a shot.
Never heard of it. Give us 12 Wet Pussies.
You like wet pussy, Steve?
I've never had one. (LAUGHS)
Well, tonight's your lucky night.
Right, OK. There you go.
Ahh, cash only. The ATM machine's over there.
Oh, OK. No probs.
Hey, keep the change. Ooh, thanks.
(SONG) # Do you believe in love? #
OK.
# You just got lucky. #
Hey, guys, I'll catch up with you all later, alright?
(CHEERING)
Have a good one.
# Do you believe in love? # Fuckin' DJ's.
# You just got lucky. #
# Do you believe in love? #
(COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)
# You just got lucky. #
STEVE: Cleo.
# You just got lucky
# You just got lucky. #
Hey.
You're right, they don't know what Cowboys are anymore
so I got us some Wet Pussies.
Thanks.
Cheers. Cheers.
(SPLUTTERS) Mmm.
Man!
Twice in one week. What a surprise.
Yeah. This is my side hustle. I'm a party bus driver.
They're all with me, all those people down there.
Oh, OK. Cool.
Hey, where's all your records?
No records now. Just this.
Oh. Geez, that looks a lot easier to carry around
than the ten crates of records I used to have.
Wait, you were a DJ? This is DJ Stevie K coming to life.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. No-one could pronounce Greek surnames back then.
I've still got all my records too.
I sometimes play vinyl.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, you should come round to my place and look at my collection.
Yeah, you take anything you want.
Yeah, OK, DJ Stevie K.
Hey, Ma, need anything?
Hey, Steve, this is my son Michael.
Your son! Oh, wow. That's amazing.
Look who's here.
You guys know each other?
Yeah, he was sitting in his cab outside our house tonight
having a wank.
No, no, no.
That's not exactly right, mate.
As you recall what I said at the time was
I was actually waiting to pick someone up.
Yeah, and how do you two know each other?
We...
We dated for like, a week before you were born.
Yeah? Must have been a long week. Michael!
If you want security to kick him out, let me know.
No, I'm fine.
See you, mate.
Good looking kid.
Huh? Yeah. What, about 18, 19?
He's 18, nearly 19.
Oh, nearly 19?
Right.
Brown eyes?
Yeah. I think so.
Right.
OK. I've gotta go, this track's about to run out.
Yeah.
See you...
DJ Stevie K.
# Do you believe in love?
# You just got lucky... #
Alright. Thursdays is now Croatian night.
You do not under any circumstances let any Serbians in. Understood?
Yep.
But what about Macedonians?
It's Croatian night, just Croatians.
Yeah, gotcha.
Fridays are now Asian night
but that doesn't mean you let in any Asian
'cause they don't all like each other so...
Really? Why?
How the funk would I know?
Got a new promoter.
He's pulling a really classy Chinese crew
so you stay out of his way, let him do his thing.
Right.
"Classy Chinese."
Now, Saturdays as per usual, none of 'em get in, absolutely no wogs.
Right? It's wog night Sunday night.
Yep.
So, when you say absolutely no wo... (CLEARS THROAT)
No um... What?
That word. What word?
(COUGHS) Wo-wog.
Hey. Watch your mouth. Alright? My girlfriend's a wog.
Mate, I didn't mean it.
That's why I didn't want to say it. Shut up.
OK.
Well, hopefully these new crowds are big drinkers, hey?
I don't give a fuck about the drinks.
In nightclubs you make your money from drugs and washing cash.
"Washing..." Don't fucking write that down.
Jesus, you'll have us all in the clink.
Oh.
Hey, Asher! Asher!
Yeah? (SCOFFS)
Look at this guy.
Mate, I pay you to sell it not snort it up your nose,
you fuckin' junkie.
Oh! Right?
Don't forget to call the ATM company.
I want that machine full of cash.
Yeah? Now. Now. Fuck off. Go, go.
I'm surrounded by morons.
No offence Iggy.
Micky!
How are you, champ, hey?
I love this kid, hey? I love him. Yeah?
Yeah.
Safe's open, bud. No worries.
Grab the cash, fill up the tills.
Yeah.
Should be a good night tonight. Yeah.
Eh? Our lady killer.
Lady killer.
(LAUGHS)
(CLICKS FINGERS) Who's this wog talking to Cleo?
Oh. That's some guy she dated years ago.
How the fuck did he get in? It's not Sunday.
He's with the party bus. Yeah, the party bus.
Oh, fuckin' party bus.
I wanna talk to him.
Yep.
"Wanna talk to him."
Now.
Yeah. You want me...?
Yeah, sorry. Yeah, no worries. (CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, Iggy? Yeah?
You might want your headset, mate.
Ah, yes.
Just forgetful today.
(SARCASTICALLY) Today?
Morons.
(UP-BEAT DANCE MUSIC)
Hey. Come here.
Goldi wants to talk to you. Alright.
Hang on. (SNIFFS)
Put this on, talk to the camera.
Hey, Goldi. Name's Steve, mate.
Yeah, look, I don't give a fuck, dipshit.
Your privileges are cancelled, alright?
So grab your crew and you can piss off now.
Hey, Goldi, listen, man. Do me a favour, will you? Alright?
I just found out that Michael's my son, you know?
So I just wanna spend a bit more time here with him.
(SCOFFS) What the fuck?
You're Micky's dad? Yeah.
I only just found out myself, you know,
so let's just keep it between us for now.
Poor kid.
OK. You've got till 9pm sharp, alright?
And then you and all your fugglies, you're back on the spew bus.
Got it? Yeah, got it. All good.
You done? Yeah.
Done. Yeah. Can I have the...
Hey, mate, looking for any boomer?
Yeah, sure, mate. Good stuff?
The best. 90% pure, only 300 per bag.
Yeah, right.
You got yourself a deal, buddy.
So, in the '90s, right, there was no Facebook.
These nightclubs were our Tinder.
When you met someone you liked
you'd ask for the free Chasers matches from behind the bar
then you'd write their name and number on the inside.
What if you lost the matches?
MAN: You were fucked.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, guys, this legend here is my best friend, Frank.
(CHANTING) Franky, Franky, Franky! Yay!
What are you doing here?
Hey, when I heard you were coming down,
I thought this is gonna mean trouble so I snuck out.
Frank, this first time in ten years
that you and I have been in a nightclub.
Mate, that could only mean trouble.
This is unreal, Steve.
I feel like I'm 20 years old again. (LAUGHS)
Hey, we'll have a couple of Blow Jobs.
Fuck off.
Ahh, yeah, he means Wet Pussies.
Oh. Never say no to a wet pussy.
OK, this one goes out to a couple of my friends from the old school days,
Steve and Frank, the Wog Boys.
(CHEERING)
('YOU SHOULD BE DANCING' BY P LEMMIERE, N RENSON & K JAMES PLAYS)
What do you reckon, Frank? Huh? You still remember the moves or what?
Shit yeah, man, of course.
Let's show these kids how it's done.
Ready? Cheers.
Welcome to my big fat wog nightmare.
Kick 'em out.
Now!
Guys, we need to move.
('YOU SHOULD BE DANCING' BY P LEMMIERE, N RENSON & K JAMES CONTINUES)
# My baby moves at midnight
# Goes out until the dawn
# My woman takes me higher
# My woman keeps me warm
# What you doin' on your back Yeah
# You should be dancing, yeah
# Dancing, yeah. #
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
What's up, man? You can't dance this way?
Come on, man. It's not 9pm.
What are you doing?
FRANK: Oh, come on!
Oh!
FRANK: It's our chance to do this. Alright!
Eugh! Come on!
This is a Versace shirt, man. I'll remember you, mate.
I'll remember you, don't you worry. I'll be coming back.
Whoa! Let's go, mate.
Forget about it. You're so lucky.
Wog Boy! You forgot your jacket.
Look out.
(SNIGGERS)
Sorry, mate. Had to kick your dad out. (LAUGHS)
My what?
You didn't know? My condolences. He's a real fuckwit.
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
CLEO: Hey. Are Steve and Frank OK? Yeah, it's all good, mate.
Mum, we need to talk.
(CAMERA SHUTTER RAPID CLICKS)
Nice. Show me.
Good! (LAUGHS)
(PHONE RINGS) Yes, little brother?
You're gonna absolutely love what we got tonight.
Does it make him look bad?
Both of them, the Wog Boy and his newly discovered son, Michael.
Excellent.
Two for the price of one.
You know how much I love that.
(MENACING LAUGH)
(CLICK)
Put it in my mouth.
(CRUNCH)
So, this girl I dated a long time ago, right, Cleo,
jumped into my cab last week, you know.
Nice. Yeah.
And then last night I found out she has a son and it's mine.
Hey!
Congratulations, bro. Tell us about your son.
Oh, he's a real good kid, you know, a hard worker.
Nothing like his dad. (LAUGHTER)
Hi, Steve.
Oh, hi, Cleo. Ooh!
Congratulations. Steve's a great guy.
Can't wait to meet his son.
Is there somewhere we can talk? Yeah, sure.
Let's just go over there.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry about last night.
Look, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Yeah, tell me about it. We weren't meant to leave till about 9pm.
Michael's not your son.
You know that night after we first met and I came back to your place?
We just kissed.
And then you fell asleep.
Do you remember? Ahh, no. I can't remember anything.
I had too many Cowboys.
I met someone not long after you.
Michael was born in Egypt. We left there when he was 13.
We've been in Australia ever since.
Oh, right. Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I thought he was too tall to be my son.
Everyone in my family's only up to here. You know.
Sorry, Cleo. I feel like a real dickhead.
No. Hey, it's not your fault.
I totally understand. It was such a long time ago.
Sorry to interrupt.
Steve, there's a bitchin' black Lamborghini
parked right outside the front, bro.
Come and have a look.
Goldi brought me. He's my boyfriend.
I'd better go.
(MOUTHS) What the fuck!
Hey, wait, I'll walk you out.
How long does it take to go from zero to 100ks?
Oh, probably about the same amount of time it takes you to come.
2.9 seconds.
CLEO: Bye, Steve.
Come on, baby. I'm ready. Let's go.
Hey, Steve, next time I need to cab it, I'll know who to call.
(CHUCKLES)
(HYDRAULIC DOOR HISSES)
Then again, do I look like I need a cab?
(LAUGHS DERISIVELY)
(DOOR HISSES) Ooh.
(ENGINE ROARS)
(WHISTLES)
She made the wrong choice, my man.
I mean, look at you and then look at him. No comparison.
I've always been a bad liar and a terrible poker player.
(LIGHT MUSIC)
GOLDI: Hey.
Don't worry about him. I've barred that dickhead from the club.
Yeah, why would you do that? Steve's a really nice guy.
He just got excited about being a father.
Yeah. Well, it looks like you were the last good thing to happen to that loser.
Baby, I'm really not in the mood right now.
Look, I know I'm a little rough around the edges sometimes, right?
Sometimes? That's the understatement of the century.
Alright, always, right?
But seriously though,
in our industry, only the strong survive, right.
You and I, we did what we set out to do four years ago. Right?
And together we created the hottest club in town.
Right? When I retire I'm gonna hand the keys over to Michael.
Michael, shit! I've gotta go.
I promised him we'd grab lunch together.
Oh!
Wait. I thought we were gonna have a drink.
Eugh, fuck me.
(SCOFFS) Well, hello, Dad.
I'm sorry. I messed up, alright.
Is your mum home?
No. Hey, wait.
Is that of a four barrel Holley in your hand?
Yeah.
What, from an LH? An LX.
Don't tell me you've got an original SLR 5000.
I wish. It's a stuck LX but I'm rebuilding it as an SLR 5000.
Yeah, smart move.
You're gonna make a mint. Yeah, that's the plan.
Are you gonna let me in to see it
or am I gonna have to stand here and look at your T-shirt all day?
Hey! Where did you find this?
Grandpa left it for me. Yeah, right.
Yeah, my dad left me his '69 Valiant Pacer.
Oh, nice. You still got that?
I don't want to talk about it, mate.
Oh. Sorry.
Hey, 308!
Did you rebuild it yourself?
Yeah, last year.
Also got a nice lumpy cams, flattop pistons, roller rockers.
You know, the whole thing's been fully balanced.
Good job.
Hey, when you're ready, my mate, he owns old school cruisers.
I reckon we could pick up 70K for this, easy.
No shit. Are you serious?
Yeah. And then maybe you can take that
girl the works behind the bar out on a date.
Who, Sophie?
No. She's like, six years older than me. No way.
So what? Big deal.
She likes you. Yeah?
Yeah, how would you know?
I saw the way she looked at you at the club.
And I saw the way that you looked at her.
Hey, don't make the same mistake as me, alright,
and keep your head under this hood for the rest of your life.
There's more to life than just rebuilding cars.
You know what I mean?
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS) CLEO: Hello.
Hey, Mum. Guess what? Hey.
Steve's gonna help me sell the car.
Wow, look at you two. Best buddies all of a sudden.
When did this all happen?
Actually, I came by to see you.
I haven't forgotten my promise.
So, if you're free, we could drop in at my place
and you can pick out some records.
Now? Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry, Steve, I can't.
I promised Michael that we'd grab lunch together.
MICHAEL: Oh, I really had something to eat.
What?
Yeah, I got hungry. Mum, you should go.
If his collection's anything like his knowledge of cars,
you'll pick up something with a mint.
Hey, I promise I'll have you back you within the hour, huh?
OK. Yeah, sure.
Let's go check out this amazing vinyl collection of yours.
Great.
And I'll make sure my mate doesn't charge you any commission, alright?
Thanks, Steve. No worries.
(MOUTHS INDISTINCTLY)
(UP-BEAT MUSIC)
STEVE: Yeah, this is like a garage
but what I've done is I've converted it into a unit.
CLEO: Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, you'll see now when we go inside.
Hello, Steve!
Hey, Guiseppina. What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
I'm just sit here having my coffee,
watching the birds and see who's died this week.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this is my friend Cleo.
Ahh. Special friend.
Hello, Clio.
Actually it's Cleo.
Ah, Cleo, Clio, same thing. (LAUGHS)
Nice to meet. You Italian?
No, I'm Egyptian.
Oh, shit.
It doesn't matter.
In Australia all the same same. Italian, Greek, Egypt, all the same.
All Italian.
Ahh, hello, beautiful girl. Hi.
Who are you? I'm Cleo.
Hello, Cleon.
Vince, this special friend of Steve.
Ahh, very special, huh?
Hey, you Italian? Vince she Egyptian.
She's Egyptian? Yes.
Oh, shit.
Hey, it doesn't matter.
Hey, you two going out tonight?
No, we're just gonna go to my place and check out my records.
Yeah.
Ahh, record, huh? I understand.
OK, we'd better it going.
Nice to meet you both.
Nice to meet you, Catalogue. Nice to meet you, Crayon.
Mah! Steve is very lucky I'm not 20 years younger.
Otherwise all this girls today. I fix them all up.
(WHISTLES) Suck!
Suck, huh? Suck this!
(SINGS QUIETLY)
Hey, Steve!
Who's this girl, hey? She's your girlfriend?
No, Pino. This is Cleo.
She's from Egypt. You know, like Cleopatra.
Oh, you chiropractor. That's good.
No. Hey, Steve, she's a beauty one, hey?
What's wrong with you?
Hurry up and get marry. Or I'm gonna marry.
Excuse me, chiropractor, you like cucumber?
Oh...
STEVE: OK, here we are. Come on in. (CHUCKLES)
It's nice. Yeah. It's...
Yeah.
I put the records here for you, just to make it a bit easier.
Thanks.
Yeah, just pick out whatever you want, alright?
OK, Cool. Yeah.
You want something to drink? Oh, I'll just have a water, please.
You got it.
Thanks.
There's definitely some rare vinyl in here.
Yeah. (WATER RUNS)
Oh, wow.
You've still got the old Chasers VIP medallion?
Yeah, check out the membership number on the back.
(LAUGHS) 007. Of course, what else.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
I don't believe it.
You've still got the old Chasers Nightclub matches?
Oh, really?
I wonder if it's got some girl's name and number
written on the inside.
Nah, I don't think so.
This is my name and number.
I remember this. Oh.
I wrote it down for you on the night we first met.
Really? Mmm.
We were only together for what, a week but you kept these matches
with my name and number written on the inside for all these years?
Why?
Oh, I didn't even know they were in there.
Come on, Steve, don't play dumb.
It's really sweet.
(WHISPERING OUTSIDE) Knock on the door.
She's still there. She's in there.
Steve? Yeah?
I just wanna... Hold that thought.
Hold that thought just one second.
Steve! I just come to give my salami to your girlfriend.
I bring a panettone.
I just bring this nice cucumber.
Not a good time, guys. Not a good time.
She's a good one, Steve. Steve.
Give her the cucumber.
Sorry about that, Cleo. What were you saying?
(PHONE RINGING) Oh, hang on, it's Mikey.
Oh.
Yeah, hon?
Tonight we end the program... Mum, turn on Hinch now.
..with a blast from the past.
OK. I'll call you back.
Can you turn the TV on Hinch? Ah, yeah, sure.
# Get tzatziki wit it Na na na na na na
# Get tzatziki wit it... # HINCH: Remember this bloke?
Steve Karamitsis.
Probably better known to all of you as the Wog Boy.
He became famous over 20 years ago
on this show for being a dole bludger.
Well, you'll never guess what he's up to now.
He's a cabbie, and here he is hooning around in his taxi,
dragging off other cars through the city streets.
Can you believe this?
He's also a party bus host
that gives refuge to escaped asylum seekers.
This bloke is Ruben Namalume from the Congo.
Ruben!
He's been on the run for three years
since he escaped from a detention centre.
Man, you've got help me get out of here.
And it wouldn't be a real party
unless the Wog Boy's old mate, Frank Di Benedetto was there too.
Remember him? Daddy, you're on TV!
Unlike his best mate Steve... Hey, it's me.
..Frank has struck it rich as the owner of the Mario's Pizza chain.
That's right, stronzo. That's right.
Frank... HINCH: And here they are
partying it up... What's this?
..just like the old days... I'm on TV.
..at Privilege's nightclub owned by the notorious Peter Gold,
better known as Goldi.
Fuck! I need more Botox.
Now, this bloke has twice been up on drug dealing
and money laundering charges but has never been convicted.
Yeah, I reckon some filler under your cheeks as well,
lift them up a bit.
HINCH: Later that night, after some kind of fallout,
Steve, Frank, and the Congolese escapade
were all thrown out onto the street by Goldi and his hoons.
That Goldi is such a Bogan.
(LAUGHTER)
Kind of turns me on.
HINCH: Pizza shops, discos,
there's lots of cash going through businesses like that, isn't there?
What's he tryin' to say?
He's saying we're crooks. Bastard.
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
HINCH: One thing's for sure,
wherever there's pizza, there's lots of dough to be made.
GUISEPPINA: It's not true. I'm not believe.
Bloody poo, you bastard, Hinch.
Please, don't spit on the television.
REPORTER: Have you seen the Wog Boy footage?
Yes, I've seen the footage
and my department will be doing a thorough investigation.
Now... Beagle-Thorpe?
..you'll have to excuse us.
I'm going to be godmother to my brother Clayton's daughter
and we have a rehearsal to go to.
That's Raelene's kids.
I've gotta get going.
Here's your matches.
OK. I'll give you a lift. No, it's cool.
Michael's nearly here. No, wait, Cleo. Hang on a sec...
HINCH: Steve Karamitsis would say, "Keep calm and wog on."
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah?
Steve, are you watching Hinch? Yeah.
What's going on, mate? This is no good.
It's Raelene's kids, they're messing with us.
Those little shits.
So, what are we gonna do?
Don't know, mate.
Don't know what we're gonna do
but we better do something 'cause they just ruined my chances with Cleo.
Hey, how did the matches idea go?
Yeah. Yeah it worked, mate, until Hinch stuffed it up again.
So tell me, how many matches with numbers have you got?
(PHONE BUZZES) Hey, I gotta go, I've got another call.
You there? (LINE DISCONNECTED)
Yeah, Tony?
Tony, what's up? Steve, Steve!
My cousin Government, he said other Minister hate you.
And anyone that know you
and not citizen like me in big trouble, farken.
Don't worry, Tony, it's OK.
I'll sort it out, OK?
OK. Hey, be careful, Steve.
Here.
Take free pepper spray, farken. Ahh, yeah. Thanks, Tony.
I'll call you soon, alright?
Hey. You have train ticket, farken?
(SCOFFS) No.
(CAR REVS)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
# Ferrari Ferrari
# Mio Ferrari Ferrari
# Faturmo l'amore Ferrari.... #
Hey, you right, mate? Yeah, I'm fine.
You have a good day, alright?
Love you, mate. Bye, dad.
Hey. I watched Hinch last night.
They never used to let people like you in here.
What?
Oh. Oh, right.
Good-looking wog boys with a sense of style?
(SCOFFS) Huh?
You want me, huh? Sorry, can't have me.
We make the best cars too. Look.
Hey, hang around. Watch this.
You'll love it.
You stuck up sofisticata. Eugh.
(ENGINE ROARS TO LIFE)
(ENGINE RACES)
(SMOOTH MUSIC CONTINUES)
Whoa! Eugh!
What happened to you? I got pepper sprayed by that PSO.
Minister, sorry to interrupt
but there's a Steve Karamitsis here to see you.
He said it was urgent.
Yes, Jenkins, thank you. Let him in.
Right on cue.
Mr Karamitsis, thanks for stopping by.
You saved the government a lot of money on postage.
What's this?
All of your hooning fines.
You don't have a lot of respect for road laws, do you?
A lack of respect to something you'd know a lot more about than me.
Excuse me, do you know who you're talking to?
Hey, yeah, Raylene's spoiled kids.
Hey, can we move this along?
What do you want?
Twenty years ago you humiliated my mother
and destroyed her political career.
Oh, we're way beyond the 'what do we want' moment.
We're up to the 'we're going to destroy you
'and everything you love' moment.
Hey, you've got red hair just like her?
Yeah, I guess it's a case of deja rouge all over again.
You look like my cousin, Con-junctivitis.
We're going to do you slowly, Wog Boy. Like a lamb on the spit.
(BOTH SING) # Na na na na-na-na na na na
# Get tzatziki with it. #
Still our favourite. Mm-hm.
Hey, you forgot the best bit.
Nah!
(SCOFFS)
Mmm.
You forgot the best bit.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, not one customer all day.
What! Bloody Hinch.
You know, I come to the country with one suitcase, one suitcase.
I work hard.
And I pay my taxes whole time. I never lie to them.
I never... Dad.
Hey, what's wrong?
Dad, what's wrong? Dad! Eugh!
Call an ambulance, quick. Quick, quick.
(GROANS)
(PHONE BUTTONS BEEP)
(ICE CLINKS IN GLASS)
Hi, Goldi.
How the fuck did you get in here?
Relax, I'm not after you.
I want Michael.
Mikey?
Why?
Well, that's my business.
I don't care how you do it
but I want him caught doing something illegal.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, not happening.
I love that kid.
The only thing you love is what you see in the mirror.
You're a narcissistic prick
who would sell out his own mother for a bag of chips.
Speaking of bags,
one of my undercovers was sold some cocaine
from one of your employees inside your club.
So what? Nothin' to do with me. (CHUCKLES)
Ooh. Your prints are all over the bag.
How's your reputation going these days, Goldi?
Do you think you can get off a third time?
Just as I thought.
You do as I tell you and it all disappears.
(EDGY MUSIC)
How can I trust you? You're a fuckin' politician.
'Cause I don't want you going to gaol.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)
I want you right here. Lover.
Hello. Hello.
(CHUCKLES)
Ooh!
(SOULFUL MUSIC)
FRANK: Even though my dad never went to school very much,
he never liked the thought of anyone thinking of him as an illiterate fool.
He'd often say things like,
(IMITATING MARIO) "Hey, Frank,
"they think I know fuck nothing
"but I tell them, I know fuck all."
(QUIET LAUGHTER)
He worked hard, every day of the week,
to make sure that my life,
my family's would be a lot easier than his ever was.
He taught me that becoming a father was a selfless act.
And most importantly, he taught me that family was everything.
And family didn't always mean having the same blood.
So, I just wanna...
Raise your glasses
and make a toast to a great man, my dad.
Mario. ALL: To Mario.
Hey, boss?
I want you to take this cash to Michael's place for me now.
But I never deliver the money.
We're a little bit short-staffed. Go on.
I tell you what...
you get an 8 ball for your trouble.
Hey? On the house. Yeah?
Sweet. Thanks.
Yeah, alright. Go, go now. Go on. Fuck off. Go.
(CALL TONE)
Yeah, he just left.
(BABY CRIES) (ORGAN MUSIC)
PRIEST: Receive the sign of the cross on your brow and on your heart.
Brianna, do you believe in God the Almighty Father,
Creator of heaven and earth?
I do.
PRIEST: Do you believe in Jesus Christ His only Son, our Lord?
I do.
PRIEST: Brianna Beagle-Thorpe, do you renounce Satan?
I do renounce him.
PRIEST: And all his works? BRIANNA: I do renounce them.
PRIEST: And all his temptations in all his forms?
I do renounce them.
PRIEST: And all his pomps?
I do renounce them.
PRIEST: Brianna Beagle-Thorpe,
go in peace and may the Lord be with you.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
(DRAMATIC ORGAN)
BRIANNA: Oh, thank you so much.
(BABY CRIES)
Congratulations. Thank you so much.
(BABY CRIES)
Got 'em all except for that PSO.
What happened?
Congratulations, cousin Tony, you are now an Australian citizen.
Ahh! Yes! Thank you, Tony, I mean minister, farken.
(LAUGHS)
Oh! You ready?
All together. ALL: Australia, good country, farken.
Come, come.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Lovely family. Thank you, farken.
We're outside court where employees of the Privilege nightclub,
Asher Jacobson and Michael Sedra
have been found guilty of theft and drug trafficking.
Both have been released on bail.
Minister, why were you in court today?
Michael Sedra is not an Australian citizen.
He came into this country on a child a visa about five years ago.
Today as an adult he's been found guilty of serious crimes and as such,
once he has completed a sentence I'll be immediately deporting him back to Egypt.
But Minister, is that fair? Yes, it is. No further questions.
Cleo, Cleo!
How do you feel about the Minister wanting to deport your son?
Look, I don't really want to... Michael is completely innocent. Alright?
He was conned by a drug dealing junkie. We'll be appealing.
Now back the fuck off. Is the club involved in this?
Privilege nightclub is open for business.
But give us something about the case though, Goldi.
Piss off, mate.
Are you part of this or what? Come on.
Drive, drive! I want to know.
Give us some answers. Come on, Goldi.
(ANXIOUS MUSIC)
GOLDI: What the fuck's he doing here?
Just when you thought this day couldn't get any worse.
You OK? CLEO: Eugh!
No, I'm not OK.
The only reason this is all happening
is because that crazy woman has it out for you
at things that Michael is your son.
I'm sorry, Cleo. I'll sort it out. No, just leave us alone.
I regret ever seeing you again.
(SOULFUL MUSIC)
Can you believe this shit?
Yeah. It's obviously some kind of setup, you know.
Hey, don't worry, it'll be OK. Alright?
CLEO: Michael!
I'll call you later.
(SNIGGERS)
You're a loser at the top of your game.
If I were you - and thank god I'm not - I'd go back to the Minister's office
and I'd throw myself at her feet and I would beg for her forgiveness.
(CHUCKLES)
How did you know I was at her office?
What?
I never told anybody.
Maybe I'm a fuckin' psychic. (MAKES A GHOSTLY NOISE)
(CHUCKLES)
See you later, Wog Boy.
Off you pop.
Psychic my arse.
Small Capricciosa, extra olives. Thanks, Frank.
It's been a while, huh? Sure has.
I haven't made pizzas for like, six years.
Yeah. I miss it, you know. I really do.
It's who I am. It's me.
Oh, before I forget...
Read the reading of my dad's will today.
He left you something. Here.
No way. Really? Yeah.
He loved you, Steve.
Sometimes more than me.
Nah! Nah, man, that's too much.
No it's not. Shut up.
Take it and go and get the old Steve back.
No. That Steve is long gone, mate.
He's not.
He's just missing his super powers.
Eh?
The thing that made you invincible.
You know what they say, mate, you can teach an old wog new tricks.
Hey, I'm not that old.
Yeah, neither am I. (LAUGHTER)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
('PRELUDE (SONNENAUFGANG)' BY R STRAUSS PLAYS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)
(ENGINE ROARS)
('BORN TO BE ALIVE' BY PATRICK HERNANDEZ PLAYS)
# We were born to be alive
# Born, born to be alive born to be alive
# Yes, we were born
# Born, born
# Born to be alive. #
(IMITATES GUITAR)
# People ask me why
# I never find a place to stop
# And settle down, down, down... #
(CHEERING) ('LA CUCARACHA' MUSICAL HORN)
(CHEERING)
ALL: Boo!
This woman thinks that she's the one who decides who is or isn't an Aussie.
She's got no idea what it means to be an Australian.
Yeah. No idea!
Hey, who are these guys? Immigration.
Whoa! Get 'em.
('GOD SAVE THE QUEEN' MUSICAL HORN)
My car horn is a lot better than yours.
Say goodbye to your buddies.
You won't be seeing them again.
She's worse than her mother.
No, Steve, they're exactly the same.
You've got to get rid of these Beagle-Thorpes once and for all.
By the way, that jacket's mad.
(UP-BEAT MUSIC)
STEVE: OK, thanks for coming, everyone.
Now, Tony, I need you to ask your cousin the Minister
to get Vince here the cleaning job at Brianna's office.
Mate, do you think you can do that?
Yes, there's no problem, farken. Great. Thanks, Tony.
Hey, Tony, you want a coffee?
Guiseppina, make coffee, please.
Hey, Guiseppina! Alright, alright.
Why do you always yell for, I'm just here.
Hello, Steve. Hey.
Very nice.
Tony, you want coffee? Yes. Three sugars, farken.
Three! That's too much. You get diabetics.
I just put two.
Alright, alright, I put three.
I put five now. Fuck you.
(FARTS)
STEVE: Eugh! Alright, OK.
Alright, guys, that's my cue to leave.
Thanks for coming, everyone. Everyone got it?
OK? Alright. Thanks once again, Tony.
You dirty, fuckin' bastard.
Why you eat ricotta to make you shit like elephant?
Guiseppina, get the spray, please.
No, Vince, no. Please. I no eat ricotta.
GUISEPPINA: How long do we wait for?
I've gotta go home, watch 'The Bold and the Beauty'.
Steve say we gonna do stakeout.
Steak? I love steak.
No steak, a stakeout. Like Kojak.
Fuckin' stupido. Stupido.
Hey, what do we do now?
BOTH: Boh!
(UP-BEAT MUSIC)
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
You put in the sugar? It tastes shit.
Shut up.
(LOUD CHEWING)
(FARTING)
You're right. It tastes shit.
I love you, Walker. My boo-boo.
Touch my boo-boo, please, touch my boo-boo.
Shuck!
(SNEAKY MUSIC)
(SNEAKY MUSIC CONTINUES)
(BUCKET CLATTERS DOWN)
(COMPUTER KEYS CLATTER)
I found something, bro.
She has a meeting at Privilege on Monday night at 11:30.
But no mention of who with.
Good work, Pardeep.
Hey, where did you learn how to do all this hacking stuff?
Back in India I was an IT technician.
Ooh.
Whoa, got to go.
My shift is starting soon. If you need anything else, come visit me, bro.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Shit!
Where the hell have you been?
(GROANS) Hey, sorry.
We can't start without you. Get out there.
OK. It looks like the Auslan interpreter's here
so let's start.
More than 800 noncitizen criminals
were stripped of their visas for serious crimes last year.
I'm sorry, am I going too fast?
Would you like me to slow down?
Oh, no, that's alright. Yeah.
There is no place in our country for people
who come here and harm Australians.
I mean, we welcome people from all around the world
but those few who think
that they can live in Australia and be involved in criminal actions...
(LAUGHTER)
..need to know that they won't be staying long.
I'm sorry. What's so funny?
Sorry, what's going on?
Wait a minute. What?
That's ...
(LAUGHTER)
Excuse me?
Clayton! What...
Clayton! (LAUGHTER)
Clayton?
Wait.
Clayton! (LAUGHTER)
Clayton, stop chasing that ugly old woman.
Um...
We're just going to have to reconvene so let's take five, OK.
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
STEVE: Go, go, drive!
(ENGINE ROARS) (EVERYONE SCREAMS)
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Did they make you an offer? Yes, 60K.
Oh, that's good.
But wait till the end of the day, alright?
'Cause that's when all the serious buyers are gonna come up to you.
Gotcha.
Is Cleo here? Yeah, she's in the cafe.
What don't you go speak to her?
Is it safe?
She's Egyptian, it's never safe.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Can I join?
(SIGHS)
Yeah, sure.
(CHAIR SCRAPES)
(EXHALES) Thanks for helping Michael with his car.
Hey, you know, it's the least I can do.
He's a good kid.
Yeah, he is.
You know, it was really tough on him, growing up in Egypt.
I mean, the first few years, they were OK
but then his dad started drinking...
becoming violent.
If he gets deported, Steve, I'm not sure how safe he's gonna be.
Can I ask you something?
(EXHALES) It's about Goldi, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah, it always is.
Look, I'm with him because he really cares about me and Michael.
And we're business partners.
No-one's tougher on that guy than I am.
But he's actually never done anything to hurt us.
Um... We ahh...
We hacked into Brianna's computer in her office.
She's got a meeting on Monday night at 11:30 at Privilege.
Why?
Well, I don't think it's about her VIP medallion.
Cleo, I need you to do me a favour, alright?
I want you to take what's in this box as a gift to Goldi for his office.
It's got a hidden camera inside it. I can't do that.
We both know Michael was set up, OK?
Goldi's the only one who could have done that.
No. What? You're wrong.
He told me something that only Brianna could have told him about. OK?
Next minute he's got a meeting with her at his club.
OK. It's OK. I'll... I'll find some other way to get it in there. OK?
MICHAEL: Hey, Steve. What?
I just got an offer for 70K. It happened exactly how you said it would.
STEVE: OK, great! Let's go sign him up! Yeah.
Come on, let's go.
Steve... Yeah?
Give me the box.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Good luck.
Yeah, thanks.
CLEO: Do you like it?
Yeah, it's nice.
What is it? (LAUGHS)
It's an evil eye like the one I wear. Oh, yeah.
It'll help protect you from bad luck, evil spirits.
Yeah.
How about I put it up here?
Yeah, go for it.
I mean, it was meant to be a surprise.
I didn't think you'd still be here.
Oh, look, I've got this meeting with this new promoter tonight.
Bloody dickhead's running late so...
Look, I should keep cracking into it.
Yeah, me too. I've gotta run. Michael's waiting out the front.
Alright. Mwah.
Bye. Bye.
Good luck. See you.
Bye.
('WHAT THEY SAY' BY SYMMETRIX PLAYS)
VINCE: Hey. No say nothing.
Got a lot of people from the government here.
Ahh, shut up.
PINO: Can we play poker machine, bingo, something?
Shut up and get this way.
(SNIFFS) Smell like Vegemite.
('WHAT THEY SAY' CONTINUES)
When we get to the chorus, I want you to give me a bit more oomph.
Oi, pizzas are here.
Anyone hungry? Go for it.
Rusty Nail! I love your music, mate.
Hey. Good on you, digger.
You certainly don't look like a boy from the bush.
Mate, I used to love the bush.
Married now.
Hey, come and try some of the very famous Pizza Fagioli.
Come on.
Oh... Come on, mate. Come on.
Eh? Check it out.
Oh, no thanks, mate.
I don't really touch the ethnic food.
It doesn't sit too well with me.
Wait.
There you go.
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
Mmm. Mmm.
(CHUCKLES)
Plenty more. Go for it.
Frank. Hey.
Well done, they're eating. Yeah.
How long? Not long, mate.
I've got a special category one cannellini beans.
Yeah?
Get ready for hurricane Franky.
(RUMBLING NOISES)
FRANK: Yeah, just over to the right, mate. To the right.
You'll make it. You'll be right.
Yeah, just there. Don't be too long.
(RUMBLING NOISE) Eugh!
(GURGLING) Eugh!
(GURGLING) Oh, strewth!
(COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS) # Yee-haw! #
Eugh!
Come on!
Oh, turn it up!
Come on! Hey!
Eugh!
Right!
(UNZIPS PANTS)
(SIGHS AND STRAINS)
(STRAINING AND FARTING)
Frank, thanks for paying our bill, man. All good, man.
Now let's get inside and give 'em a show they'll never forget, huh.
Let's get ready.
Oh, fellas. Whatever you do, don't eat the pizzas?
(STRAINING AND FARTING) Bloody wog food! Eugh!
And now it is my pleasure to introduce onstage
Aussie Country and Western legend Rusty Nail!
('BORN TO BE ALIVE' MUSIC STARTS)
Come on, clap your hands.
Steve!
# We were born to be a wog
# Born... #
What the fuck are they doing?
# Born to be a wog. # Dancing.
# Born to be a wog... #
And singing. # Yes, we were born... #
Fucking idiot! Go, cut them off. Go!
# Born
# Born to be a wog. #
Bravo, Steve, bravo.
STEVE: Yeah, right. Thanks. You know, we didn't ask to be wogs.
We just got lucky.
You tell 'em, Steve!
You know, unless you're indigenous in this country,
we all come from someone else.
Yeah?
Which means we're all wogs.
Right?
That's right. Everybody is a wog.
Hey, what do you want?
You from the government?
No, I'm just here to witness the rally.
Well, I'm from Sicily and we no like any witness. Get fucked!
Vince, please! CROWD: Boo!
Oh, fuck this.
(CHEERING)
Shut up!
OK. It's time for you lot to get off.
And as for you two, you'll both be back in prison very soon.
Maybe you'll beat them to it.
What the hell does that mean?
You blackmailed Goldi into setting up an innocent man.
That's right. You tell him.
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
What a load of rubbish.
You know, my mother was right about you.
You're nothing but a liar and a con man.
Stop clap.
Your mother wasn't right about anything. Just like you.
You know, there's an old Greek saying,
"The olive doesn't fall far from the tree."
Play it, Cleo.
Not so fast. Hey, get off me!
Cleo.
Stupid bitch. Get off me!
TONY: This town hall 100m from train station.
We have jurisdiction, farken.
Piss off, wog breath.
(ZAPPING) Eugh!
This guy never listen, farken.
GOLDI (ON VIDEO): I don't care where he is, mate.
If he's not here at 4pm... Hey, watch! Look.
..on Tuesday, mate, don't bother coming in.
(EVERYONE GASPS)
BRIANNA (ON VIDEO): You do exactly as your mistress tells you
or your arse is gaol-bait.
Eugh!
(CROWD GETS RESTLESS)
BRIANNA (ON VIDEO): Mistress.
(GASPS) Ahh, Mistress.
Oh!
What's the safety word again?
Shut the fuck up!
Old, my... It's not me.
Take off your pants.
Now!
She like a cucumber.
Clayton! Clayton.
OK, you are under arrest, farken.
How the fuck did you get that footage?
It's called an evil eye, bitch.
Consider it your going away present.
What? What is this?
I'll be back OK? I'll be back. I love you all.
Put Australia first again.
Hey why don't you and I go grab some Cowboy shots, eh?
Just like the old days.
OK. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
This time you're stopping at two.
That's a good idea.
Come on, let's go.
GUISEPPINA: Alright, let's go.
Watch the video a little bit. Come on, go! Watch no video.
You stupid bah.
I don't give a shit, anyway.
Can someone take me to get my free pension.
Hey, any chance we can see that video again?
(DOOR SHUTS)
Alexis, play video.
('FOREVER AND EVER' BY DEMIS ROUSSOS PLAYS)
# Ever and ever, for ever and ever you'll be the one
# That shines on me... #
Congratulations, Steve and Craig.
Here, take this casserole otherwise you become skin and bone.
Ta-da.
Congrat-insulations to you both.
Hey, you don't need this one.
Tonight she's gonna eat your cannoli.
Suck.
Hey, Steve, Steve. When you buy house, plant this one.
Lemon tree, it's the tree of life.
Sorry, it's a little bit wet.
I just pissed on top there.
Hey! Congratulations, Steve, mate.
I never thought I'd see the day.
Listen, it was a real honour being your best man, mate.
It really was. Alright? Thank you.
Hey, when you get back from your honeymoon,
me and you hit the clubs, the old days.
Yeah, no more clubbing for you babe. Babe.
Hey, married life, mate. Hey, Frank.
Take the tree.
Lemon tree, for me? Yeah.
Thanks, mate. Hey babe, a tree.
Bye. Bit wet.
ANGELA: Congratulations.
Let get out of here. (LAUGHS)
Yeah?
OK, thanks everyone. Bye! Hooray!
Thanks for coming.
('FOREVER AND EVER' PLAYS)
Your wog chariot awaits.
Oh, thank you, Michael. (CHUCKLES)
I'll drop you off and then I'll take a taxi to Sophie's place.
Taxi? No.
A man needs a real car.
Keep it. It's yours.
No, I couldn't do that.
Hey, either you keep the car or you take my surname, Karamitsis.
I'll take the car. Yeah, I thought so.
# Take me far beyond imagination
# You're my dream... # STEVE: You like your new plates?
MICHAEL: I love 'em. How did you get seven letters?
STEVE: Hey, I know people, farken.
(CLEO LAUGHS) Steve!
STEVE: What?
# Ever and ever, forever and ever
# You'll be the one
# That shines in me like the morning sun
# Ever and ever, forever and ever
# My destiny
# Will follow you eternally. #
('SOMETHING 'BOUT YOU BY JON STEVENS FEAT. VANESSA AMOROSI PLAYS)
# You know that sometimes when love is in the air
# You know sometimes we're all gonna get it bad
# Still, in this world we need more of it
# Yeah, we do
# Gonna make a stand
# (BOTH) Hear what I've got to say
# I've said it before
# There's something 'bout you baby that turns me on
# It's all or nothing, can't you see?
# You know I got your back and that's always
# I know that sometimes you see everything
# But you know I'm just a man with so much to bring
# And all I want is that your love for me stays
# Since you've been gone I try to be strong but
# I've said it before
# There's something 'bout you baby that turns me on
# It's all nothing, can't you see?
# You know I got your back and that's always
# Let's make it alright
# Make it alright
# Let's turn down the lights
# You know that sometimes we say the wrong thing
# And 'cause my world revolves around just you and me
# Oh
# I'd do anything
# You know how much I love you baby, you're my best friend
# There's something 'bout you baby that turns me on
# It's all or nothing, can't you see?
# You know I got your back and that's always. #