[upbeat saxophone music]
- Mayan, I have one more guest for the wedding list,
my dear friend Celeste.
- The cashier from Ross?
- We have to invite her.
She gives me a discount.
- It's Ross. You don't need a discount.
There's too many people on this list.
We got to make some cuts.
I'm already eating Del Flaco instead of Del Taco.
- What's "Del Flaco"? - It's my usual Del Taco order,
just cut down to six burritos.
- Well, we still need to add guests from Quinten's side
once his parents get here from North Dakota.
And I don't want to hear any more jokes
about them being related to bison.
I'm serious.
Quinten's always worried about his parents' approval.
- Ay, it's always so awkward with his mom.
We never know what to say to each other.
- I wish we had that problem.
- Please welcome Bismarck, North Dakota's,
most famous high school sweethearts,
Sam and Ruthie Van Bryan.
- Aw.
We're not the most famous.
That would be Dave and Donna Prescott.
They own a Buca di Beppo.
- By the way, we invited them to the wedding.
- Can they cater it?
- Ha!
No, no, no. No, no, we don't--
we don't need them to cater.
We are self-reliant.
I manage this house like I manage the Apple Store.
Speaking of, my manager badge.
- Hi, Rosie.
- Oh, hi, Ruthie.
I got to go pee.
- So that's Dave and Donna and then you two.
Is there any more on your guest list?
No? That's great, thanks.
- [laughs]
George, we're going to invite
at least 120 people to this wedding.
- 120?
Why don't you invite half of Bismarck?
- That is half of Bismarck.
- Grandma! Grandpa!
- Oh, sweetie! - Oh, Chancie-pants!
- What did you bring me?
- I told him not to expect gifts
every time you guys visit.
It's not cutesy, mindful, or demure.
- We did bring you something, but first, I need to know,
do you have your driver's license?
- No, but neither does Grandpa, and that doesn't stop him.
- Well, buckle up, buttercup,
because we got you...
- A brand-new car.
Just like I sell at my dealership.
- Thank you. I'm gonna use this
to pick up all the honeys in my robotics class.
- I never had a brand-new car.
- It's just a toy, George.
- I never had a brand-new toy.
- Aw, Grandpa, I feel bad.
I'll let you wash and wax this baby later.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- My parents are safely checked into their hotel.
- And the stairs are on the inside.
- Where are they staying?
- The Ritz.
- Your parents are staying at the Ritz
while I'm sitting here trying to trick my stomach
into believing this is three burritos?
- Did you know they were rich?
- If I did, I would have married him sooner.
- Hey, your parents are loaded, man.
How come they're not chipping in for the wedding?
- Because I told them how much it meant to you
to be able to pay for the wedding
as father of the bride.
- Why do you always have to listen to everything I say?
- Your wedding is getting expensive.
The Van Bryans should pay for half
if they're inviting everyone in Bisquick, North Dakota.
- So ask Mr. Monopoly and his hot trophy wife
to back that truck up.
- I can't.
When I moved out here to make it on my own,
my dad said it was a big mistake.
So if I ask him for money,
he's gonna think he was right.
- How touching.
Is that better than them squeezing
all the leche right out of me,
every dime, every lactose drop?
- Mayan, a little help here.
- I know how important your father's approval is.
But my parents have a point.
For the last nine years,
we haven't asked your parents for anything.
Meanwhile, my parents, who aren't rich,
have cooked, cleaned, and even babysat for us.
- Preach.
- All that help is easily worth--
- $287,000.55 pre-tax.
- So ask Mr. Monopoly and his hot trophy wife
to back that truck up!
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Mother, Father.
I want to talk about the wedding.
- Well, doesn't everybody?
Excuse my language,
but it is a big honkin' deal.
- Yup, ever since I posted it on Facebook,
I got friends, I got customers at the dealership,
can't stop talking about the Van Lopez wedding.
- You posted a picture of me on Facebook.
And I'm not even a Chevy Malibu with zero down and 0.9 APR.
- We're proud of you, tiger.
You moved across the country without any help
and made a life for yourself.
- I've--I've never heard you say you were proud,
or call me "tiger."
- Better get used to it...tiger.
I got something for you.
- Oh, it's happening!
[laughs giddily]
- Yeah. Uh, here we go.
- Wh--your Chevrolet Spring Sales Event winner pin?
I thought you wanted to be buried with it.
- Yeah.
Well, now you don't have to steal it from my corpse.
No, I--I know you always wanted it,
but you had too much self-respect
to ask your ol' man for anything.
- So, uh, what'd you want to tell us about the wedding?
- You know, that we picked our napkins,
and they're beige.
- Strong choice.
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Quinten, welcome to my home.
Mi casa is parked outside of su casa.
- I'm hiding from my parents
and Mayan's parents
and Mayan
and the truth.
- From that Spring Sales Event pin on your shirt,
I'm gonna say this is about your relationship
with your father.
- Wow. That is insightful.
- Clearly, you killed him and took his pin.
- Less insightful.
The Lopezes want me to ask my parents
to help pay for the wedding,
but I am scared of disappointing my dad,
who is finally proud of me.
- I'm scared I'll die alone in this truck.
But I guess your dad thing is important too.
Let me give you the best advice I've ever received:
always lie.
Through your teeth, on the stand, out ya ass.
- I'm--I'm not a very good liar.
But I don't know if I have any other choice.
- You'll be fine.
I have complete faith in you.
See? Lying's not that hard.
The key is to keep it simple
so you don't have to remember a lot of details.
- It was 6:58.
The low evening sun cast long shadows across the kitchen.
The dew outside--
- Shut up about the dew!
What did your parents say about chipping in some money?
- They said no.
And they got really mad, so we should just
not ever speak about money again.
- What's that thing on your shirt?
- Oh, this? Uh, it's a pin--
that my dad stabbed me with for bringing up money.
- But I just saw your parents a few minutes ago
and they were all smiles.
- Oh...oh, th-that's how you know they're upset.
Because the madder they are, the bigger they smile.
- Really? Is that a North Dakota thing?
- Yeah, let's go with that.
Yeah, it's called... "North Dakota nice."
- I'm so sorry that they got so mad at you.
The fact that you were willing to ask is all we could want.
- I still want the money.
I'll ask. People like me.
They really like me.
- Nobody likes you.
I'll ask.
Now I have something to finally talk to your mom about.
- No.
Please, nobody bring up money with my parents.
We'll just cut costs.
We can consider getting married at the courthouse.
We have a nice dinner at Outback after.
- Ay.
- We'll do whatever we have to do.
- I do like the Outback.
Those onions are a-bloomin' this time of year.
- There is no way
that I am getting married at the courthouse.
I want to walk down the aisle, not through a metal detector.
- That's my girl.
I thought you were gonna support Quinten because of your
"healthy relationship that leaves ego at the door."
Blah, blah, blah, barf.
- You know, it took a lot for me to decide to get married.
I want my wedding to be special.
- Oh, I never thought I'd hear you say that.
- Quinten said that we can't ask the Van Bryans for money,
but we can manipulate them.
- That's my girl.
Thinking like a Lopez!
- Manipulation comes from my side of the family.
You can take credit for the excess facial hair.
- Uh.
* *
- Oh.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Don't mind me, just getting a little preview of the food
I'm gonna be picking out of your garbage later.
- Yeah, for the wedding, I'm preparing a tasting menu
of Latin American and North Dakotan cuisine.
- Two great tastes that taste great together.
- Thanks again for your advice, Oscar.
I feel bad for lying to everybody,
but it worked. [chuckles weakly]
- It always works and never blows up in your face.
- Is that a lie?
- No.
* *
- Look at them, being all North Dakota nice.
All that anger, it's ugly.
- Well, we'll beat them at their own game.
We'll be so nice that they'll assume we're mad,
ask what's wrong, and then we'll hit them
with the bill for the wedding.
- Then we're not the ones bringing it up.
- Mm-hmm.
- First you act all nice,
and then you get the money,
and then you get the power.
- When are we gonna start the tasting?
- Well, I think we're ready.
Would you like to help carry the plates, Gordo?
- I would, but I'm late to this important thing
in the living room.
* *
- OK, first,
from the North Dakota side of the family,
sour cream and raisin pie.
- Oh.
- This is my Grammie-Gram's recipe.
She's at the great potluck in the sky now,
serving this to the angels.
- I'm sure my tummy-tum is about to say yummy-yum.
[polite laughter]
- Mmm!
Mmm.
[strained] Mmm.
- You're so chatty tonight, Rosie.
- Mouths are for three things--
chatting, chewing, and smiling.
[polite laughter]
- Well, by gum... [chuckles]
This is delicious.
- Wow. You really love the pie.
OK, I'll mark that down as a winner for the wedding.
- Are we eating the same pie?
This is nasty.
- [laughs awkwardly]
- Even Churro won't eat it, and she eats her own poop.
[awkward laughter]
- Kids say the darndest things.
- Next up, from Rosie's Cuban side,
ropa vieja.
- Ooh.
- Mmm.
- Whoa!
Whoa.
That's got some kick.
What kind of spice do you use?
- It's salt.
- Mm-mm-mm.
- I mean, it's salt!
I use it on all of my dishes.
Isn't it delicious?
- [exhales heavily]
- We're just loving this cultural exchange.
- [hushed] It's not working.
They can't tell that we're mad at them.
We got to turn up the nice.
- I'm on it.
Sam?
- Ah. Yes, George?
- I love you.
- Wow. [laughs]
What is this, the Moose Lodge?
[laughter]
- What--what's happening?
- We're just being nice, like we always are.
- You're never nice.
- Yes, we are.
In fact, there's a name for this kind of nice.
- North Dakota nice.
Eh? - Ah, Dios mío.
- What is North Dakota nice?
- Don't act dumb, Ruthie.
- Quinten told us that you pretend to be nice
when you're actually angry.
- I don't think we know what you're talking about.
- No, we're not angry--
wait.
Are you angry?
- Of course we are.
- Oscar, now would be a great time to interrupt
with some fruitcake cookies!
- You refuse to pay for my dream wedding.
I mean, Quinten and Mayan's dream wedding.
- We haven't refused to pay for anything.
Quinten, what are they talking about?
- It was 6:59.
A lone coyote howled in the distance--
- Let me give you the best advice I've ever gotten, man:
always tell the truth.
- Mom, Dad, um,
the Lopezes asked me to get you to help pay for the wedding,
but...I lied.
I-I never asked them.
- So I've been North Dakota nice for nothing?
I'm going back to being California cranky!
* *
[bluesy saxophone music]
- What is going on?
Why were you so afraid to ask us for money, pumpkin?
- [sighs] It j--
it just meant so much to me when you guys said
that you were proud of me that I-I worried
that if I asked for help, you would think less of me.
- Valid concern.
- Quinten, you are so gosh darn independent.
But can I let you in on a little secret?
As your parents, we would like to think
that you still need us.
Right, Sam?
- I'm good.
- Samuel Rudolph Van Bryan,
you make like a coupon and cut that out.
This is all your doing.
- Me?
- You don't tell Quinten that you're proud of him enough.
And to make up for that,
we would like to pay for half of this wedding.
And I don't want to hear a bug's burp about it.
- Yes, dear.
- That means a lot to me.
So thank you.
- You are welcome.
And since we're paying,
use that money to get a caterer.
- Yeah, one that doesn't use all those crazy spices.
Salt?
[overlapping arguing]
- Oh, look, it's the little white guy
who tells the little white lies.
- Deserved. I'm sorry.
OK? I--
I know it was wrong,
but I-I couldn't disappoint my parents.
- What about disappointing us?
- I don't care about that.
Because I know you'd forgive me.
You guys let me make mistakes, and you don't judge me for it.
- So you treated us worse because we're better?
- Pretty much.
- Ay, Quinten, I forgive you.
- Not me.
It'll be a cold day in hell before I forgive you.
- My parents are gonna pay for half the wedding.
- Ooh, is anybody else cold?
Ay, Quinten, I forgive you too, mijo.
- Mayan?
- Yes, I forgive you too,
but only because I feel really bad
that you had to watch our dads kiss.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Wat are we doing here, Dad?
- We had an idea for the wedding.
Why don't you do your first dance
to the same song your mother and I did?
- That's so romantic.
What was it?
- Polka!
[polka music playing]
- 5, 6, 7, 8.
- * Roll out the barrel *
* We'll have a barrel of fun *
- That's so sweet, but I-I don't want to impose
our cultural traditions onto the Lopezes.
- What are you talking about?
This sounds like norteño.
[norteño music playing]
- Ooh! This is like spicy polka!
- Hey, Sam, forget that Chevy.
Take this Cadillac for a spin.
What is this, the Moose Lodge?