1 00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:07,549 [upbeat saxophone music] 2 00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:11,886 - Nana, I'll take mine black. 3 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,848 There's a substitute teacher I need to get rid of, 4 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:16,683 so I need to be on. 5 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,978 - Don't give him coffee. He's just a kid. 6 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,146 Caffeine will stunt his growth. 7 00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,564 - All Latino kids drink it. 8 00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:26,443 My mom's breast milk went straight into my coffee. 9 00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:28,111 Didn't stunt my growth. 10 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,363 - It's true. His head is still growing. 11 00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:33,700 [phone buzzing] 12 00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,745 - Hey, what's up? Aw, man, how you doin'? 13 00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:39,039 It's been a long time, huh? 14 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,457 It's good to hear from you, man. 15 00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:42,125 Yeah, we need to get a beer. 16 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,168 All right, later. 17 00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,919 [high-pitched] Bye. 18 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:46,129 - Who was that? 19 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:49,382 - Um, Verizon? 20 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:50,967 - He always uses phone companies 21 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,260 when he's lying. 22 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,386 He used to get a ton of calls 23 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:57,724 from a hoochie named Pacific Bell. 24 00:00:57,766 --> 00:01:01,102 - It's just, uh, Don Patino. - Ugh. 25 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,147 - Ay. - Ew. 26 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:07,108 I don't know who that is. 27 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:10,320 I just wanted to be part of the conversation. 28 00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,989 - Who's Don Patino? - One of my oldest friends. 29 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,324 He actually introduced me to Rosie. 30 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,034 - Unfortunately, he never stopped 31 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,494 introducing you to women. 32 00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:19,579 - I met some men through him too-- 33 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:25,043 Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker, and Captain Morgan. 34 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,545 - Well, he sounds like a Wild Turkey. 35 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:28,880 [chuckles] 36 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:33,259 'Cause--[clears throat] 37 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:35,804 - After Don's wife left him, he went crazy, 38 00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:37,430 partying and gambling. 39 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,765 And he dragged my dad with him. 40 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:41,768 - Exactly. He was a good friend. 41 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,728 - No, he wasn't. 42 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:47,023 He tore this family apart and pulled you away from me. 43 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,441 You missed my 14th birthday 44 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,027 because you were with Don on some booze cruise. 45 00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,445 - We didn't go on a cruise. 46 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,448 We spent all the money on the booze. 47 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,574 All right, Don's not perfect, okay? 48 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:57,951 But when your mom kicked me out, 49 00:01:57,992 --> 00:01:59,160 he took me in. 50 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,204 We're as close as two guys could be. 51 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,374 We slept nose-to-toes on a futon. 52 00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:06,710 - Well, he can keep his toes, his nose, 53 00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:09,254 and his hoes... 54 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,089 as far away from this house as possible. 55 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,590 - Ah, but Mayan, he's your godfather. 56 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:16,428 - Ex-godfather. I fired him. 57 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:19,764 - I don't think you can fire an agent of the Lord. 58 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:23,560 - Take my Lord's name out of your mouth. 59 00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:25,437 - Don ruined godfathers for me, 60 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,314 which is why Chance never had one. 61 00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:29,482 - What's a godfather? 62 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:32,777 - Someone who disappoints you. 63 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:33,820 - Wow, Mommy, you have 64 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,531 a lot of fathers who disappoint you. 65 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:41,870 Did you ever think maybe the problem is you? 66 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,831 [upbeat saxophone music] 67 00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:51,796 * * 68 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,348 - Hey, Tío Oscar, what are you doing? 69 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:03,516 - Oh, I'm setting up this projector 70 00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:06,644 so we can enjoy the greatest works of art 71 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,105 ever projected on a screen. 72 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,191 - Movies? - Shadow puppets. 73 00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,859 Check it out. 74 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,862 Rabbit. 75 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,323 Duck. 76 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:19,908 Eastern timber wolf. 77 00:03:19,949 --> 00:03:23,036 [growls] 78 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:26,706 - Have you ever seen a animal? 79 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,208 - So what do you want to do instead, kiddo? 80 00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:30,377 - Can you tell me what a godfather is? 81 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,045 No one wants to explain it. 82 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,421 - A godfather? 83 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,465 Lucky for you, 84 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:39,010 a wonderful, tiny, Italian winemaker made a movie 85 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,970 about the very subject. 86 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:44,432 * * 87 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,685 - Hey, man, this a nice little spot. 88 00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:47,936 You know the place is legit 89 00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:49,437 when the bouncer's breastfeedin' a baby. 90 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,314 - [chuckles] 91 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,524 Yeah, it's close to my house. 92 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:53,650 Sometimes I stop here for a drink 93 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:56,277 on my way home from drinking. 94 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,238 - Oh, you go home after drinkin' now? 95 00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,823 - [chuckles] 96 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:01,074 Well, you would know that if you had answered 97 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:03,993 my Instagram request. 98 00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:07,706 You had five years to click "accept." 99 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,959 - There's a lot of Don Patinos on Instagram. 100 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:15,422 They all me. I keep forgettin' my password. 101 00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,716 Man, I'm sorry I lost touch. I missed you. 102 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,259 - No. You're not gonna hug me, are you? 103 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,427 I mean, I'm cool with it, 104 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,220 I just don't wanna lose my wallet. 105 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,305 - I would never rob you. [chuckles] 106 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,473 I know there's nothing in your wallet 107 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,100 but a Jersey Mike's loyalty card 108 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:30,186 and an expired condom. 109 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:32,272 - But condoms don't expire. 110 00:04:32,313 --> 00:04:36,026 They're like salami or pills. 111 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,278 Oh, man. What you doin', man? You buyin'? 112 00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,697 What happened to drink-n-dash Don? 113 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,032 The bouncer just had a C-section. 114 00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:45,535 I think you could definitely outrun her. 115 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:46,828 - I don't gotta run. 116 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,080 These days, I can afford to buy my own drinks. 117 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,707 Remember when I used to lose money on the ponies? 118 00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,584 I'm finally on the other side of that game. 119 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:55,462 - Oh, what, you a bookie now? 120 00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:56,463 Well, I don't owe you any money do I? 121 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:58,131 I mean, if I do, I'll pay you. I-- 122 00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:00,592 when do you leave town? 123 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,886 - No. I own a three-year-old thoroughbred. 124 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:05,889 She's runnin' at Santa Anita. I named her Flyin' Mayan. 125 00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,307 - You named your racehorse after my daughter? 126 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,641 That's sweet. 127 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:13,313 I guess Gorgeous George was probably taken, huh? 128 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,814 - You know, I miss that kid. 129 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,566 And I never got to meet your grandson. 130 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:17,817 How old is he now? 131 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,569 - He's somewhere between his last diaper 132 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:22,781 and his first beer. 133 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,908 - They so cute at that age. 134 00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:27,452 Mm, mm. I would love to meet him. 135 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,828 - Yeah, man, I don't know 136 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,246 if I'm gonna be able to make that happen, you know? 137 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,332 Mayan's not exactly thrilled that you're back in town. 138 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:33,708 - Really? 139 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,044 So she forgave you for cheatin' on her mom. 140 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,837 All I did was take you to the strip club 141 00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,216 to take advantage of two-for-one chicken wings. 142 00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:42,384 - Tried to tell her that. 143 00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,177 She thought we went for the women. 144 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:49,099 The only thing I had on my lap that night was a napkin. 145 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:50,850 - You know I never had kids of my own. 146 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,019 You guys are the only real family I've ever had. 147 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,229 - I know, Don. 148 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,397 I'd like to help you reconnect with Mayan, 149 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,899 but I don't think she'll agree to it. 150 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:03,196 Maybe we should do a-- a parrot trap. 151 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,156 - Do you mean a parent trap, 152 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,367 where you get her and I to come to the same place 153 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,452 at the same time? - No. 154 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,830 A parrot trap, where you trap a parrot 155 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:15,792 and you get it to say nice things about you to her. 156 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,338 But your way could work too. 157 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,506 * * 158 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,594 [upbeat saxophone music] 159 00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:27,929 - The games and the lights. 160 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:31,182 Man, the carpet that hides all the pee stains. 161 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,934 I get a little choked up when I say this, Mayan, 162 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,770 but this place trained me for Vegas. 163 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,940 - I'm so glad you wanted to bring Chance here. 164 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,608 I had so many good times in this place. 165 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,653 - [chuckles] - Wow! 166 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:47,157 Mom, Dad, I love you, 167 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:51,036 but I live here now. 168 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,288 - George? 169 00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:55,248 George Lopez. 170 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,959 What are you doin' here? 171 00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,128 - Don Patino, you son of a gun. 172 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:04,132 What a complete, unplanned coincidence. 173 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:06,134 - I told you I didn't want to see him. 174 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:09,721 - I know, but I bet Chance wants to meet Don. 175 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:13,016 - Hey, Chance, I'm your mom's godfather. 176 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:17,187 - Godfather? I don't want no trouble. 177 00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:19,022 - Chance, wait! 178 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,691 - Kids sense trouble when they see it. 179 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:25,111 - Mayan, wait. 180 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,738 - Hey, Rosie. 181 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,449 Thanks for not runnin' away. 182 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:31,826 And you look great, by the way. 183 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:35,121 - Don't flatter me with things that are obvious. 184 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:39,000 - Well, maybe I can flatter you with this? 185 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,795 - You think you can buy my forgiveness 186 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:45,048 6with a cheap gift? - [scoffs] No. 187 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,676 But maybe a really expensive gift. 188 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:56,601 - Chance? Buddy, where'd you go? 189 00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,355 There you are. - No, I'm not. 190 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,898 You never saw me. 191 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:08,029 Buddy...okay. 192 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,573 [grunts] 193 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:15,036 How many of you are under there? 194 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:19,207 That's--okay. 195 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,875 [grunts] 196 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,461 Why are you hiding, Gordo? 197 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,921 [grunts] - I'd tell you, 198 00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,881 but I don't wanna sleep with the fishes 199 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,844 or wake up with a horse head in my bed. 200 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:34,139 - Wait, you watched "The Godfather"? 201 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,850 How? - Tío Oscar showed it to me. 202 00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,560 And now I get why Mom didn't want 203 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:41,104 to have a godfather. They're bad. 204 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,815 Especially the ones called "Don." 205 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,234 - Tío Oscar should not have shown you that movie. 206 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,902 It is not for kids. 207 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,572 But Mayan's godfather is not like that. 208 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:51,740 I'm not an expert, 209 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:55,118 but most mobsters don't wear Birkenstocks. 210 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,578 See, Gordo? 211 00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,038 Don is not a don, he's just Don. 212 00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,122 Right, Don? 213 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:00,707 - Hey, Chance. It's nice to meet you. 214 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,917 Now, I hear there's some moles in this joint 215 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,086 that need to get whacked. 216 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,922 - [screams] 217 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:11,051 - That was a weird way to phrase that, man. 218 00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:13,219 - Heard it when I said it. 219 00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:16,097 - Come on, Mayan, talk to me. - Not right now. 220 00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:19,726 I'm pretending these moles are your head. 221 00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,311 - I just thought once you saw Don 222 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:23,271 that you'd remember the good times. 223 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:26,441 - No. I remember what he does to you. 224 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:30,278 The old Dad I couldn't rely on comes back when Don's around. 225 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,990 I mean, he's been here one day and you've already lied to me. 226 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,326 Mom and I want nothing to do with him. 227 00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:39,913 - Look what your godfather got me. 228 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:43,124 I feel like a cartel leader's wife. 229 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,876 - Are you really forgiving Don 230 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,127 just because he bought you a coat 231 00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,838 that makes you look like Mary J. Blige? 232 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,091 - I haven't necessarily forgiven him, 233 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:54,302 but a fur coat is a good start. 234 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:55,804 I'm gonna go see what this looks like 235 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:58,139 in front of the fun mirrors. 236 00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:02,268 - See? Don's a good guy, Mayan, and he's missed you. 237 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,312 Guess what he named Flyin' Mayan? 238 00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,273 - A strain of weed? 239 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,693 - No, but side hustle. 240 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,236 He named his racehorse after you. 241 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,029 - A horse is supposed to make up 242 00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:16,241 for ripping my family apart? 243 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,159 - Yes? 244 00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:22,205 It's a thoroughbred, Mayan. It was thoroughly bred. 245 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,707 But listen, I know you blame Don 246 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,000 for everything that I did wrong, 247 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,710 but I make my own bad decisions. 248 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,753 So if you're be mad at somebody, 249 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,338 be mad at me. 250 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:33,216 - I ammad at you! - Why? What did I do? 251 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,927 - Hi. 252 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,013 I can tell I need to go, and not just because 253 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,807 I'm a grown man without a child. 254 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,727 The last thing I wanted to do was cause your family trouble. 255 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,937 I just wanted to give you this. 256 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,272 - What is it? 257 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,773 - I know it doesn't fix everything, 258 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,901 but your dad helped me set up a college fund for Chance. 259 00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:53,278 You've built a great life for yourself, 260 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,947 and I hope this makes it a little bit better. 261 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,490 Goodbye, Mayan. 262 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:04,330 - He put $1,000 in this account. 263 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,791 - You look so stupid right now. 264 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,960 * * 265 00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:16,176 [upbeat saxophone music] 266 00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,012 - Mom, why are you wearing that? 267 00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:20,430 It's not raining. 268 00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:22,223 - Because if you wear fur in public, 269 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:25,060 people throw paint at you. 270 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:26,436 - What's the point of wearing fur 271 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,313 if no one knows you're wearing it? 272 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:29,606 - I know. 273 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,608 - Ugh. 274 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,068 I'm torn. 275 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:35,111 This college fund Don set up is nice, 276 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:37,113 but it's not gonna make me suddenly forget 277 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,656 everything he did to us. 278 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,617 - And it shouldn't. 279 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,911 We didn't forgive your father immediately. 280 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,329 It took time. 281 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,581 And him proving that he could do the right thing 282 00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:48,458 over and over again. 283 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,919 Actions speak louder than fur. 284 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,047 - [sighs] 285 00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:57,801 It's just, last time Don was in town, 286 00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,552 I lost my dad. 287 00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,096 I don't want that to happen again. 288 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,847 And I don't trust the guy. 289 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,474 - But you should trust your dad. 290 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,976 You guys are in a good place. 291 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:09,562 And I don't think he's going anywhere, 292 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,773 no matter how many candles I light. 293 00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:17,278 - Hey, Mayan, can I get a beer? 294 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,699 Or are you gonna tell me that's bad for me too? 295 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:26,204 - [sighs] Dad, I've been thinking about it, 296 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:30,083 and if you want to have Don over, 297 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:33,044 I think it'd be okay. - What? 298 00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:37,007 Yes! [chuckles] 299 00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:40,427 I can't wait to show him my room. 300 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,721 Hey, but don't tell him I--I share it with Chance, 301 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,514 'cause I want him to think that I'm cool. 302 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,770 [theme from "The Godfather"] 303 00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:53,314 * * 304 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,525 - Hello? Who's in here? 305 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:58,611 [lamp clicks] - You and I have business. 306 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:04,701 * * 307 00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:07,287 You sit at my table, 308 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,621 you drink my beers, 309 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,665 you shower... 310 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:13,585 with my garden hose. 311 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:18,298 So it pains me to discover you disrespected the family. 312 00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:23,261 - W-w-w-what do you mean? 313 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:27,057 - You showed Chance a scary movie. 314 00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:29,184 A great movie... 315 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,227 but a scary movie. 316 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,646 - I thought Chance liked it. 317 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,899 I-I didn't know it was wrong to show a kid. 318 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,859 I-I saw it when I was his age. 319 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,235 And I have real fond memories, 320 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:43,907 'cause I slept with my parents for a month. 321 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,242 Oh, God. 322 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:49,371 I am so sorry. 323 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:53,083 I didn't mean to do that. I love that kid. 324 00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:54,751 Will you ever forgive me? 325 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,419 [smooching frantically] 326 00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:57,796 - Not if you don't stop kissing my hand. 327 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,631 Your bead tickles. 328 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:04,886 Someday... 329 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,096 and that day may never come, 330 00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:09,641 I will call on you to do a service for me. 331 00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,268 Probably helping me carry a drunk George up the stairs. 332 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,521 But until that day... 333 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,652 Don't be a doof? Please? [chuckles] 334 00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:24,280 - I'll try. 335 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,324 You wanna watch "Godfather II"? 336 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:28,618 - Do I ever. 337 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:32,622 * * 338 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,500 - Thanks for all the Tommy Bahama stuff, Don. 339 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,085 I was always afraid of fallin' in love 340 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:39,796 with a shirt I couldn't afford. 341 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:44,050 End up lost in the Bahama Triangle. 342 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,593 - Happy to treat. I love any store 343 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:50,265 where the petite section starts at extra-large. 344 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,850 - I love that we're hangin' out again, man. 345 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,560 Just like old times. 346 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,229 A little bit older and a little bud-wiser. 347 00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:58,982 - [chuckles] 348 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,901 Yeah, we were just two idiots in a leaky lifeboat. 349 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,696 But at least we weren't alone. 350 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,948 - Oh, that's right. We did do the booze cruise! 351 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:09,409 - [laughs] 352 00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:12,495 [doorbell rings] Mm! Wait. 353 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,164 Yeah, that's the food. 354 00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:16,249 Ah. I ordered up somethin' special. 355 00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:17,959 Nothing says luxury like lobster 356 00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,461 thrown out a Prius. 357 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,008 - Oh, man. This is so cool. 358 00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,635 I love having rich friends. 359 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:32,349 You get to eat big red bugs. 360 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,142 Uh, how do we get the meat out of there, dude? 361 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,644 Throw it against the wall or step on it like a roach? 362 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,396 - [chuckles] 363 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,107 There's utensils in there, but ignore the bibs. 364 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:45,737 Tommy Bahama shirts are designed to repel butter. 365 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,155 - [chuckles] 366 00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:49,449 - Mmm. 367 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:51,826 - Uh, what the hell is this? 368 00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:55,663 - Oh, uh, that's the receipt. Um, don't eat that. 369 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,293 - But is says the credit card belongs to Chance Van Bryan. 370 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:01,503 - Huh. 371 00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:04,506 Now, this is gonna sound worse than it is. 372 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:08,134 But I stole your grandson's identity. 373 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,344 - What? 374 00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,637 [upbeat saxophone music] 375 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,018 - You gave me the kid's Social Security number. 376 00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,436 - To set up a college fund! 377 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,481 - Well, what do you think funded the college fund? 378 00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:24,025 - You committed fraud in my grandson's name. 379 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,528 You didn't buy me this plus-size island wear, 380 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,279 Chance did. 381 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,572 - If it means that much to you, 382 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,783 I'll make the payments. 383 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,451 - You know, as long as I've known you, 384 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,412 money burns a hole in your pocket. 385 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:37,997 You don't make those payments, man, my grandson is screwed. 386 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:39,249 - The kid is seven. 387 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:41,918 He got plenty of time to repair his credit. 388 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,545 - We don't fix credit in this family. 389 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:48,008 My FICO score's 12! 390 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,801 Man, you played me. 391 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:52,012 Did you even really name your horse Flyin' Mayan? 392 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:57,308 - I don't have a horse. Are you payin' attention? 393 00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,685 - Man, I thought you came back 'cause you missed me, man, 394 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,563 not because I was a mark. 395 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,189 - You bein' a little bit of a hypocrite right now. 396 00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,608 You used to pull shady stuff like this all the time. 397 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:08,028 - I used to. I'm not that person anymore. 398 00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:09,362 I'm not gonna let anybody mess with my family. 399 00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:10,530 I just got 'em back. 400 00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:11,698 I'm not gonna lose them over you. 401 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,658 - I just needed a little help, G. 402 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,577 - Get it someplace else. 403 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,662 Mayan was right. I should have listened to her. 404 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,998 You know what, Don? 405 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,667 Get the hell out of here. 406 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,668 - Well, I'm just gonna grab-- 407 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:26,546 - Leave the lobster. 408 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,341 My grandson bought that for me. 409 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,717 Soon as I drop it off the roof, 410 00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:32,594 I'ma eat whatever's inside of it. 411 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:36,848 * * 412 00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:40,560 - How'd it go with Don? 413 00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:44,022 Did he like your Spider-Man sheets? 414 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,232 - You were right about Don. - Oh, no. 415 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:49,069 Did he try to take you to a strip club again? 416 00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,029 - I wish. 417 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:53,365 Chicken wings have the bone on the inside, Mayan, 418 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,825 like a normal food. 419 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:59,037 He lied about the horse and he stole Chance's identity. 420 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,539 - What? How did he do that? 421 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:02,582 - I don't know. 422 00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:03,625 You can just say you have a horse. 423 00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:06,378 You can name him whatever you want. 424 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,962 - No. The identity theft. 425 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,964 How did he get Chance's social? 426 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:13,343 - That college fund that I stupidly helped him set up. 427 00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:15,845 Don't worry, I'll fix it. But in the meantime, Don's out. 428 00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:18,890 He's out of our lives for good. 429 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:23,978 - You look so stupid right now. 430 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:27,774 I'm sorry. 431 00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,150 I know it must be hard to say goodbye 432 00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,568 to a good friend. 433 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,862 - You know, Mayan, I thought he had changed. 434 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:35,198 - People don't change till they're ready. 435 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,574 That's why I'm so proud of you 436 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,826 for turning your whole life around. 437 00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:39,327 - Thanks. 438 00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,037 I'm sorry that I brought him back into your life, Mayan. 439 00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:42,664 - It's okay. 440 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:45,041 I don't need a godfather when I've got my real father. 441 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,668 - And I don't need a horse Mayan 442 00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:50,088 when I got a human Mayan. - [chuckles] 443 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:53,675 - George, I know you don't want to hear this. 444 00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:56,344 Don's a fraud. 445 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,013 - Did you hear about the horse, the college fund, 446 00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,265 or the credit card? - This is no time for jokes. 447 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:04,728 I don't care why they walked into a bar. 448 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:08,148 I had my fur coat appraised. 449 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:11,026 It's 90% squirrel. 450 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,820 10% unidentified. 451 00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:16,322 It was all just a bunch of Mary J. Lies. 452 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,867 - [chuckles] 453 00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,453 - Don was a fraud and he stole Chance's identity. 454 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,080 - The godfather isa criminal? 455 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:28,001 Badda-bing, I was right! 456 00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:30,920 But if my identity was stolen, 457 00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:34,507 does that mean I'm no one now? 458 00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:37,302 - Yep. 459 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,220 But you know what? We'll get you a better name. 460 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:44,851 What do you think of Pépe Caca-Chonies? 461 00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:47,395 - I'd rather be nobody. 462 00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:50,899 * * 463 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:52,484 - What's up, Chance? 464 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,070 - Oh, thank God you know who I am. 465 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:58,698 I was worried because my identity was stolen. 466 00:19:58,740 --> 00:19:59,866 - I heard about that. 467 00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:02,285 And do not worry, I got it back for you. 468 00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:03,661 - How'd you do that? 469 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,622 - It's a complicated financial procedure 470 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,207 that involved me selling my plasma 471 00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:09,042 to several different local area hospitals 472 00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:12,045 in an effort to pay off the card. 473 00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:15,173 Speaking of which, I--I--I probably should sit down 474 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,884 for the rest of the day. [chuckles] 475 00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:20,679 [sighs] - Thank you, Tío Oscar. 476 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,347 - There. Of course. We're friends. 477 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,224 - We're not just friends. 478 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,851 We're family. - [mimics explosion] 479 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,895 - Chance is right. 480 00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:29,979 There haven't been tons of benefits 481 00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:32,482 having George back in our life, 482 00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:33,817 but one of them is you. 483 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,777 You always look out for the family. 484 00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:38,655 - We were thinking that Chance needs a godfather. 485 00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:41,950 And now we know who it should be. 486 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,035 - I would be honored. 487 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:47,664 Unless you mean someone else, in which case, awkward. 488 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,624 [chuckles] 489 00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,919 - We mean you. 490 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:54,421 - So if something happens to you guys, 491 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:55,463 I--I take care of Chance? 492 00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:56,673 - No. - [chuckles] 493 00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:59,092 - No. No, he goes to Rosie first, 494 00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:01,261 and then my parents, then Tía Daisy. 495 00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:03,096 - Basically, you're 15th on the list 496 00:21:03,138 --> 00:21:07,225 right after Churro, but ahead of my dad. 497 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,269 - So what do you wanna do, godson? 498 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:13,189 - I don't know, godfather, maybe watch another movie? 499 00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:16,693 - One neither of us have seen, but kid-friendly. 500 00:21:16,735 --> 00:21:18,278 - Hmm. 501 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:21,614 This one has a picture of a kid watching TV on it. 502 00:21:21,656 --> 00:21:22,907 - Let me see that. 503 00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:26,703 "Poltergeist." Sounds fun. 504 00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:29,247 [ominous music]