[upbeat saxophone music]
- Gonna meet the new neighbors.
I made them guacamole using avocados
from their tree that hangs over our fence.
I'd love to go.
- Oh, you wanna welcome them to the neighborhood too?
- Yeah, I'd like to welcome them to leave.
These gentrifiers can take their artisan sandwiches
and their crusty white dogs in strollers
and those shoes that make them look like
they're always walking uphill
and get out.
- How do you even know they're gentrifiers?
Because they didn't hire me.
They hired some fancy moving company
with a bunch of unnecessary frills
like bubble wrap and insurance
and employees that speak English.
- Yeah, well, let's not judge the book
before we've even met the cover.
- The cover is all you need to see, Mayan.
I guarantee you someone living in that house
has a name like-- [mockingly] Dakota or Savannah
or Piper or--
Juniper.
Just call me June.
And thanks for the guac.
It'll go great with the authentic tortilla chips
I brought back from TJ.
Ah, you hear that, Dad?
They went to TJ.
- Yeah, Trader Joe's is the best.
You hear that, Mayan,
or was it drowned out by the white noise?
- Oh, Paloma, say hi to our new neighbors.
Hi.
Whoa.
Paloma? Wow.
You gave your daughter a Latina's name.
It means "dove."
I know what it means.
- In the words of the great Michelangelo,
cowabunga!
You watch "Ninja Turtles"?
I just got the new Shredder LEGO set.
Wanna see it?
- Close your mouth, Gordo, and get in there, man.
Oh, you also had a baby way too young.
That is so cool.
- Yep, my water broke during senior prom.
It really added to the whole "Under the Sea" theme.
- [chuckles] Mine broke in calculus.
I had to explain to a bunch of math nerds
where all the water was coming from
and then what a vagina was.
Yeah.
- [gags] Mayan, come on.
Nobody wants to be thinking about math class.
- Thinking and math class--
two things you were never good at, Georgie.
- Stevie, what the hell are you doing here?
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Oh, are you and my dad old friends?
Oh, I don't think so, June.
Friends is another thing my dad was never good at.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- I thought your parents sold the house
when you went to the state pen.
I went to Penn State.
Tomato, potato.
- Gran and Nan never sold the house.
They just rented it out.
I own it now, and Dad moved in with us.
[laughs]
You can't even afford your own place, Stevie.
That's lame, 'ey.
- But Dad, you-- - Let you live with me.
That's one of the many charitable acts
of the George Lopez Foundation, L.L.Bean.
- You think I forgot about that prank war you started?
He toilet-papered our house,
with one ply, you cheapskate.
- Only because you ratted on an illegal candy stand
I was running around the corner.
I don't understand.
Was the stand illegal,
or were you selling illegal candy?
- Both, Mayan. Try to keep up.
And then, that fool opened
a lemonade stand on the same spot.
Even as a kid, you were a dirty gentrifier.
Gentrifier?
We lived in this neighborhood
before you guys even moved in,
dummy.
- And before that, LA was Mexico!
This land is our land, tonto!
Welcome to our land.
* *
- Okay, I know it's mostly dogs at the vet clinic,
but do you think that you can smuggle home a cobra?
Why?
Are you planning on killing Stevie?
Oh, of course not.
I'm just gonna put it in his toilet
so it can bite his huevos.
Oh, God, whose huevos
is your father after this time?
He hates the new neighbors.
- And so should you, Mayan. You're my daughter.
You should have my back on this.
- Can you please just let all this stuff go?
June seems really nice,
and it'd be great to finally have a mom friend.
Hello?
I mean someone my age.
Uh, not just someone who looks my age.
Good save.
- You want a mom friend in the neighborhood?
I see plenty of pop-up ads online saying
there are a lot of lonely moms in our area who wanna connect.
Call one of them.
- You shouldn't let your dad say
who you can be friends with.
I haven't talked to my maid of honor
since the wedding, because according to George,
her husband danced too French.
What does that mean?
I still don't know.
* *
Okay, light it up.
[doorbell rings]
The old dog poop in a burning bag.
Pathetic, Georgie!
I'm not stamping on that!
- He's onto us. - No, he's not.
I did a Latino version of it.
I put a firecracker in there.
I call it "The Firecrapper."
- [bag explodes] - [groans]
You're gonna pay for this, Georgie!
- How'd you get that much poop? Your dog's so tiny.
- I tried to get her to eat a box of frozen cheeseburgers,
and she wouldn't.
So I chewed 'em up, and I spit 'em back in the bag.
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
Thanks for getting my back.
Oscar, you're better than my own flesh and blood.
I don't know about that.
Those things keep you alive
and your bones inside your body.
- You know what? Just drink your beer.
I think you'd make more sense when you're drunk.
- Hey, we got Stevie good. - Mm.
- He will never top that prank. - Never.
[phone rings]
Hello?
- Hey. Is your refrigerator running?
Well, you better go catch it.
[laughs]
Stevie, really?
This is the lamest prank call ever.
- [towing device whirs] - What's happening?
- That fool's having my truck towed!
Oh!
At least this is bringing us closer together.
You're making me wet.
* *
- Daddy, can you teach me how to manscape?
Don't worry, buddy.
Your body hair will come in
the same age mine did--
24.
- I'm tryna look good for the girl next door.
[sighs] Paloma.
I want our playdates to be less play, more date,
if you know what I mean.
- This is so romantic--
forbidden love between two warring houses.
It's just like my D&D campaign.
A blood feud prevents Bongadir Rockcrusher
and Rotgut Oozemuscle from marrying
and giving birth to a half-dwarf, half-orc--
a dorc.
Can you imagine it?
Now I can.
So what do I do?
- Whoa. You want my advice?
- Yeah, you're with Mom, so you have experience
getting someone way out of your league.
[laughs]
Yeah.
* *
- You sure you have to cancel our playdate?
- I'm sorry. I've just got a lot going on.
But maybe next week, we can take the kids
to that new bounce house place.
I hear they have a wine bar.
Oh, that sounds amazing.
Drunk kids always nap for, like, four hours.
I'll call you later.
- Well, Mayan, our wonderful new neighbors
had my trucked towed...
while I was in it!
And you found your way home.
Good boy!
- That's not funny. I didn't even do nothing.
[chuckles] Please.
You never-- [as George] don't do nothing.
You always take their side.
You're not just a bad daughter,
you're La Malinche.
Rude.
What is that?
- During colonization, La Malinche was an Aztec woman
who collaborated with the Spaniards
to help them conquer her own people.
Since when do you read?
It was on the Chipotle bag
during the Hispanic Heritage Month.
But the moral still stands--
stick with your own side and get their back.
- You know, everything shouldn't have
to be about sides.
- Well then, you clearly don't understand
the Chipotle menu.
- Why is it so hard for you to let this go?
It's not a beer.
- Because Stevie stabbed me in the back.
We were very close, Mayan.
Then he turned on me.
And I haven't had a best friend since.
What about Oscar?
- I don't care if he has a best friend.
So you shouldn't trust Stevie's daughter
because she's gonna do the same thing to you, Mayan.
The apple doesn't fart from the tree.
- You talkin' about the neighbor's tree?
It's crazy what they did.
What are you talking about?
The neighbors put up a net
and cut off our access to their avocados.
Now we gotta steal 'em from another neighbor.
- I'm sure June wasn't involved.
I mean, I made her guacamole with those stolen avocados.
You mean this guacamole?
- Oh, yeah. That's your guacamole.
- I was so sure she wanted to be my friend.
I bet this is why she canceled our playdate.
- And now there's an avocado-shaped knife
in your back.
- Ha! That's not a very sharp knife.
But it cuts just as deep. I gotta go.
- I told you, Mayan. Those gentrifiers suck.
- I tried so hard to be welcoming,
but I guess you were right.
Finally!
Now let's go to their house and fill their crawl space
with tilapia.
We're not doing that.
- Yeah, you're right. It's too mild a fish.
How about day-old mackerel?
- Someone has to be the bigger person
and put an end to this feud.
[guitar playing] What's that?
- I don't know. You better go check it out.
- Don't eat the fence guacamole!
* *
* Cómo sufría por ella *
* Que hasta en su muerte la fue llamando *
* *
* Cucurrucucú *
* *
* Paloma *
* Cucurrucucú *
* No llores *
[panting]
I want you to be my girlfriend, Paloma.
What do you say?
- I say, get off my property.
You will never date a Lopez,
unless he's related to that Mario Lopez.
I just love that guy. [laughs]
- Hey, Gordo. Hey, are you okay?
- No. I may never love again.
That's probably true.
One love is all you get.
- You can steal my stolen avocados,
but no one messes with my boy.
I am not Malinche.
I am...
Machete.
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Okay, here's how we get them back.
We set up a ramp
to send an army of chickens over the fence
to crap all over their yard.
Alexa, put 200 live chickens on my shopping list.
- I put live chickens on your shopping list.
- Mayan, why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it didn't wanna go up the damn ramp!
- Well, if you can beat Operation Cluck in Awe,
then go for it.
Okay.
What if you build a tunnel underneath
like El Chapo?
- What would that do? - I don't know.
But we would have a cool tunnel underneath like El Chapo.
- Alexa, what should we do to the neighbors?
- Neighbors are to be treated with kindness and respect,
and it is considered sinful
to annoy those living around you.
This one must be Canadian.
Okay.
What if we reclaim the tree
by carving our initials into it...
Hmm? And show them whose tree it really is.
- Dad, that's trespassing and destroying property.
- I love it. - [laughs]
See, that's how a real family has each other's back.
Okay, Mayan, after this,
they're gonna put us on a Chipotle bag.
- Yeah, eso. - Eso.
* *
[whispering] Hey, Mayan!
Fire up the chainsaw!
- [whispering] What is the point of the ski mask?
We're literally carving our initials into the tree.
- Yes, but we're also not trying to get arrested.
M.L. could be Monica Lewinsky.
G.L. could be...
George Lucas.
So burn the edges around the letters
so it look like it was done with a lightsaber!
Okay, here goes.
[chainsaw revs]
Oh, oh, yeah. This is good.
Okay, I got it.
Oh, ho, ho, I got it.
Uh-oh.
No!
You think they'll notice?
Come on, let's get out of here before they see us.
What the hell?
Mayan?
No, it's...
Monica Lewinsky.
And George Lucas.
Live long and prosper, you two.
Mayan, this is really insane.
- This was payback for not letting us steal your fruit.
What are you talking about?
I would never stop someone from getting healthy fats.
Dad?
Don't look at me.
I enjoyed the guacamole.
It had gala-penos.
Well, someone did it.
- I had to trick you to win the war.
It's like the Greeks did with the Trojan horse condoms.
- What? - I don't know.
The Greek restaurant doesn't have a heritage month.
The point is, you should've had my back
when they had my truck towed, all right?
This is all your fault. You know how I am.
You towed his truck?
Two words: Poop bomb.
It's a firecrapper,
trademark, copy machine, passion pending.
- You said you-- [as George] didn't do nothing.
- I didn't do nothing. I did something.
Because it's his fault-- he's the one
that said that Chance can't hang with Paloma.
- What? Of course they can hang out.
Dad, that's not cool!
I need a break from Paloma.
The Lopezes are freaks.
And let me be clear.
I'm not talking about my man Mario.
He's the right kind of freak.
- Just clean up your tree and fix your fence, Stevie.
- Hey, it looks like the tree is in your yard,
so it's your tree now, Georgie.
- I am so sorry about the tree and my dad.
Ugh, I am sorry too.
I just hope we can move past this.
Really?
I thought you didn't wanna be friends
after you canceled our playdate.
- No, that was just because I was busy cleaning up dog poop
and cheeseburgers off my porch...
and my dad.
Trust me, I have always wanted a young mom friend.
Me too.
I mean, all my girlfriends are single...
or a dog.
Same.
If only my dog could relate to my mom problems,
but Donut doesn't pee when he sneezes.
Donut?
My dog's name is Churro.
- [gasps] That means donut in Spanish.
Okay, this friendship was obviously meant to be,
so we need to find a way to get our dads to get along.
Well, that's gonna be hard.
I mean, the only thing they have in common
is that they both like gala-penos.
So my dad was right?
Oh, I've been mispronouncing it my whole life.
I am learning so much living in this neighborhood.
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Chance, look who I secreted across enemy lines.
- My mom said I could come over.
Why are you making me wear your hoodie?
- Okay, you have zero sense of whimsy.
I brought Paloma here
'cause I know how badly you want to be together.
Hi, Chance.
And the answer is yes, I will be your girlfriend.
We can double date with our dogs.
I'll go make us a pillow fort for our honeymoon.
What was that, man?
What do you mean?
I thought you were heartbroken over Paloma.
I was yesterday.
Since then, I discovered older women.
You have?
Yeah, Eliza.
She's in second grade.
She's got the whole package--
a PS5 with a extra controller.
But now you got me stuck with the girl next door.
Chance...
It begins.
- Well, at least Churro and Donut are happy.
[dogs growling] No, Churro's not fixed.
Donut, get off of her!
* *
[doorbell rings]
Okay.
I'm ready for my apology.
And I didn't have my morning White Claw,
so I'm gonna remember every word.
- I was told you were gonna apologize to me.
And I did have my morning Modelo
'cause what am I supposed to do, not brush my teeth?
- Okay, actually, we called you both here
for a different reason.
Yes, we wanted to show you
that out of destruction and hatred,
something beautiful can emerge.
Which is why we made this.
What's that,
a little house for Stevie?
Stevie, jump in there, man, so I can move you out of town.
It's a tiny free library.
We built it out of the wood from the fallen tree
as a symbol of unity and community.
- To show that it's never too late to turn a page
and start a new chapter in your relationship.
- Ooh, that was good. - Right?
- You should write a book that goes into the library.
- Maybe I will. [both laugh]
Okay!
- Wow, Mayan, this tiny library...
is a bunch of hipster nonsense!
You might as well put up a sign outside that says
"Douchebags live here."
Georgie's right.
You know who moves in
if you start putting books on every corner?
Nerds!
- And we'll be damned if we're gonna let this neighborhood
be ruined by a bunch of book-loving hippies
who think that they're too good to watch TV!
- There's a new episode of "The Voice" on tonight.
I love that John Legend.
* *
- Well, looks like our dads are finally getting along.
- Guess all they needed was a common enemy.
Die, library!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Man.
This reminds me of the time we did this to the real library.
- Yeah, we taught that librarian
not to tell us to shut up.
If you're gonna carry "MAD" magazine,
expect people to laugh.
- Oh, man. Good times, huh, Stevie?
Can't sledgehammer a book. Hey, get the lighter fluid.
- Well, Georgie, I guess I'm glad
you and Stevie are friends again.
- Well, this feud wouldn't have restarted
if you had gotten my back in the first place
and stayed away from them.
- Please, I get your back all the time,
but not when you're acting like an idiot.
It's my way of trying to make you better.
- Just so you know, I got your back even when you're wrong
because that's how I roll.
- You literally just destroyed something I made
because you thought I was wrong.
- Why do you keep bringing up old stuff?
- Whoa. - Burn, stupid books.
A bonfire.
Isn't this romantic?
Yeah, really romantic.
I wish I could help you,
but I've never had to dump anyone.
* *