1 00:00:06,881 --> 00:00:08,091 [♪♪♪] 2 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:16,516 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 3 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,686 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 4 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,398 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,817 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 6 00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:30,655 [♪♪♪] 7 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,871 -Oh, I can't believe 8 00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:41,374 my boys are high school graduates now. 9 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,710 -Yep. And all without openin' a single book 10 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:45,545 or applyin' ourselves in any way. 11 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:47,881 -Gun to my head, I couldn't find Europe on a map. 12 00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:49,257 Is it the one shaped like a hand? 13 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,717 -I got through two years of French 14 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,093 just knowing five words. 15 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,386 Baguette. 16 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:54,888 Déjà vu. 17 00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:57,140 Gérard. Depardieu. 18 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:59,893 -Boys, the world is your oyster now. 19 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:00,977 -No, it ain't. 20 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,228 From here on out, 21 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:03,772 there's no more gravy train. 22 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,899 All right? You're an adult now, Johnny. 23 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,442 That means responsibility. 24 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,610 -Don't you worry, Dad. 25 00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:09,903 You have my word. 26 00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,237 I am gonna take adulthood 27 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:12,822 and grab it by the ass. 28 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,240 -Speaking of, I gotta take a dump. 29 00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:16,242 That was a long fucking ceremony. 30 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,495 -Jesus, we don't all need to hear about it. 31 00:01:18,536 --> 00:01:20,288 -Have a good stool, Matty. 32 00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:23,291 And, Johnny, did you do your doo-doos yet today? 33 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,044 -Oh, Ma, I'm 18 now. 34 00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:27,962 Mine is stools too. 35 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,091 -Oh, good heavens, you're right. 36 00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:32,592 You're right. 37 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:33,551 Oh! 38 00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:36,137 How time flies. 39 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:39,557 [♪♪♪] 40 00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:42,352 -You said someone's tokin' some reefer. 41 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:44,187 -[chuckles] No, I may have said something 42 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,188 about smelling some pot. 43 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:46,940 You know, it’s just an observation. 44 00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:48,525 -Oh, an observation, huh? 45 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:50,819 -Well, who the hell are you, man, Isaac fuckin' Newton? 46 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,529 -It's kind of hard for me to buy that 47 00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:55,115 this guy has Isaac Newton on the tip of his tongue. 48 00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,825 -Yeah, and he really seemed to have it locked and loaded. 49 00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:59,119 Like, "I hope a situation arises today 50 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,162 where I can mention my favorite scientist." 51 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,497 -Oh, look, they're gonna fight. 52 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:03,998 -Why don't you observe while I punch your teeth 53 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,125 down your fucking throat. -Come on! 54 00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:06,960 -Why do guys always take their shirts off 55 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,128 when they're about to fight? 56 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,963 -'Cause guys will always look at nipples. 57 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,131 -Really? -Oh, yeah. 58 00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,382 If they're out, a guy's lookin'. 59 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:13,967 And while he's lost in your nipples, 60 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,635 you punch him in the face. -Wow. 61 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,178 -Yeah. Ask Evander Holyfield. 62 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,805 -Hey, buddy, my fists are up here. 63 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:19,889 -Exactly. 64 00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,975 If JFK had been in the car shirtless, 65 00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:23,184 he'd be alive today. 66 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:25,228 Susan: Boys! Dinner's ready! 67 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,271 -To be continued. 68 00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:27,981 [John grunts] 69 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,315 -By the way, there's a surprise 70 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:30,650 in the salad. 71 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,360 Sun-dried tomatoes. 72 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,320 I got turned around at the Stop and Shop, 73 00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:36,698 and I ended up in the ethnic aisle. 74 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,325 -Sun-dried is just a fancy word for old. 75 00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:42,037 It's a wop scam. -Italian scam. 76 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:43,413 Wait. No. 77 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:44,664 -Save 'em and give 'em out 78 00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,416 to the kids with the mustaches on Halloween. 79 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,210 -Jesus Christ, you are such a fuckin' bigot. 80 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,587 It's like I'm living with Mark Fuhrman. 81 00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:52,339 -Oh, Christ. Not this again. 82 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:54,007 -Oh, what? Because you still can't admit 83 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,717 he is a crooked, lying sack of-- 84 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,344 -O.J. did it! All right? 85 00:02:57,385 --> 00:02:59,054 If-if the cops planted evidence, 86 00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,723 it was just to make up for O.J. un-planting it. 87 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,016 -That doesn't make any sense. 88 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:05,060 -John, how'd your interview go today? 89 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,021 -What? -At my buddy Tommy's tire shop. 90 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,190 Hey, it wasn't easy gettin' you in there. 91 00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:12,275 Luckily, there was an opening because Bob Donahue 92 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,485 got crushed under a truck. 93 00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:14,944 -Right. The interview. 94 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,863 Um... it went great. 95 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,865 I looked him right in the eye, and I gave him 96 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,575 a firm handshake and everything. 97 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,162 -Tommy doesn't have a hand. 98 00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:25,955 -Oh. -Lost it 99 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,582 in a tire balancer last year. 100 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,377 -This sounds like a uniquely dangerous workplace. 101 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:33,088 -I shook his nub. -He doesn't have a nub. 102 00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:34,756 It goes all the way up to the shoulder! 103 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:35,965 -I shook his shoulder. 104 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,550 -He's a head on a torso! 105 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,219 -How is this guy a mechanic? 106 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,179 -Okay, Dad-- -You didn't fuckin' go, did you? 107 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,056 -No, but-- -Goddammit! 108 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:44,307 I can't fucking believe it! 109 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,475 -If he takes his shirt off, 110 00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:46,893 don't get distracted by his nipples. 111 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,228 -See, the thing is-- -No! 112 00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:49,896 I'm sick of your fucking excuses. 113 00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,440 Y-you didn't get into college. You ain't got a job. 114 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:55,068 You ain't done nothin' but sit on your ass since June. 115 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,153 -Matty, he's a late bloomer. 116 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,405 -He's a boy, Susan. 117 00:03:58,446 --> 00:03:59,739 Don't talk about him bloomin'. 118 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:02,242 -But it's wonderful when a boy blooms. 119 00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:04,452 -I said stop it! You know what? 120 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,830 The two of you are kicked out of this fucking house! 121 00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,415 -Matty! -No more free rides! 122 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:09,499 -Matty, no! 123 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:10,959 -No. It's for his own good, Susan. 124 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,086 My kid ain't gonna fuckin' wind up 125 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,587 like a fuckin' welfare queen. 126 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,006 -And more racism. 127 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,424 -How the fuck is that racist? 128 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:19,509 -You just said welfare queen. -So? 129 00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:21,636 -So that is a racist black stereotype. 130 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,304 -I never said she was black. 131 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,973 -Oh, so it's automatically a woman? 132 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,600 -Well, a man's not poppin' out babies just to get rich, 133 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,436 and don't change the fuckin' subject. 134 00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:31,813 I am tired of comin' home every day 135 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,732 to a house full of freeloaders who... 136 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,151 [groans] Fuck! 137 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:38,111 -Matty? -Dad, are you okay? 138 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,530 -Ah, it's fucking indigestion. 139 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:41,656 [groans] Feels like... 140 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,159 Dom DeLuise is sitting on my chest. 141 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,036 -Honey, you want some Mylanta? 142 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,163 -Oh, shit. 143 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,791 -[thuds] -[screams] 144 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,835 [♪♪♪] 145 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,299 -Doctor, is he gonna be okay? 146 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:02,469 -He's stable, but there are blockages in his arteries, 147 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:04,304 so another cardiac event is likely. 148 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,556 -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Doc. 149 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,475 Explain it to me in sewage terms. 150 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:11,144 Is it just a clogged sink, or is the main line blocked 151 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,979 and the shit comin' up through the shower drain? 152 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,523 -I guess it's closer to the second one. 153 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,859 I'll need your consent to insert a stent 154 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,361 into each blocked artery. 155 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:21,821 -Well, who's gonna do it? 156 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,531 -I'll be performing the procedure. 157 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:25,950 -Oh, yeah? 158 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:27,952 What about this guy? 159 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:29,662 -He's a nurse. 160 00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:30,747 -A guy? 161 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,874 -Yes. -What the fuck's goin' on? 162 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,167 Did you give me the drugs already? 163 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,502 -Will you stop being a fuckin' asshole 164 00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:36,711 and let him save your life? 165 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,213 [sighs] 166 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,215 -All right. Fine. 167 00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,012 -I'm so sorry. 168 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,056 -I'm a doctor in Massachusetts. 169 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:50,892 If I didn't save racist lives, I would do nothing. 170 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,437 -Susan, I'm scared. 171 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,564 -Everything's gonna be all right, honey. 172 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,692 I love you so much. 173 00:05:58,733 --> 00:05:59,943 -I love you too. 174 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,571 A-and, son. 175 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:04,698 -Yeah, Dad? 176 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,783 -I-I-I don't say this enough, but... 177 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:10,995 you really need a fuckin' haircut. 178 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:13,915 -I know, Dad. 179 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,919 -Hey, Johnny, look, I'm the kid in the wheelchair 180 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,672 at the school dance who's also havin' a good time. 181 00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:23,758 [♪♪♪] 182 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:29,639 [sighs softly] 183 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,433 -Hey. 184 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:38,940 -Di-- 185 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,483 Did you just put a breast cancer 186 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,402 self-exam pamphlet in your pocket? 187 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,778 -It's for when I get home. 188 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,238 -I'm ju-- I'm just curious. 189 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,407 In the fantasy, does she find a lump? 190 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,492 -Yeah. In my pants. 191 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,787 -Not your best work, but you're under a lot of stress. 192 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,666 It's not even a photo on there. 193 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,960 You're just gonna jerk off to a line drawing? 194 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,340 -Doctor, how is he? Is he gonna be okay? 195 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,425 -Also, the vending machine ate one of my quarters. 196 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,093 Is there a form I can fill out or... 197 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,137 -The procedure went very smoothly, Mrs. Bennett. 198 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,805 -Oh. Thank God. 199 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:11,931 I'm so relieved. 200 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,600 -So Matty's gonna be okay? 201 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,352 -Well, he's not out of the woods yet. 202 00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:16,936 His condition is very delicate, 203 00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:18,355 especially for the next few weeks. 204 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:19,606 -W-what does that mean? 205 00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:21,358 -He needs to remain calm. 206 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:23,443 If he gets overly agitated or angry, 207 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,445 it could trigger another heart attack. 208 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:26,488 Possibly be fatal. 209 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,907 -We'll say our goodbyes now. 210 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,992 [pop music playing on TV] 211 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,788 -♪ It's too hot ♪ -♪ Too hot ♪ 212 00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,915 ♪ Too hot... ♪ 213 00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:40,001 -I think the best part of The Grind is all the grindin'. 214 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,962 -We're blessed to live in a time when dancing is just girls 215 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:46,132 rubbin' their butts against the dick area of guys' jeans. 216 00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,968 -The patient is resting comfortably. 217 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,554 -He's not pissed about having to eat egg whites from now on? 218 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,182 -Oh, I disguise them with yellow food coloring. 219 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,309 And tonight, I'm gonna use red dye 220 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,937 to make the ground turkey look like ground beef. 221 00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,856 This must be what it feels like to be a spy. 222 00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:04,401 [hip-hop music playing] 223 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,319 Oh, Johnny, please change the channel. 224 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,530 I don't want your father to hear this. 225 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,074 He calls it burglary music. 226 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,200 -Delightful. 227 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:14,911 Judge Ito [on TV]: All right, Mr. Simpson, would you 228 00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,454 please stand and face the jury? 229 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:19,499 -Oh, my God, I think they're about to announce the verdict. 230 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:21,418 jury foreman: We, the jury in the above-entitled action, 231 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,586 find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, 232 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,338 not guilty of the crime of murder. 233 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,382 -Holy shit. He got away with it. 234 00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,843 -Well, that was a year and a half of our lives. 235 00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:33,054 -Oh, this is very, very bad. 236 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,681 -Well, at least it might finally teach 237 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,016 the LAPD a lesson. 238 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:39,019 -Matty's always talkin' about how guilty O.J. is. 239 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,771 If he finds out about this, he'll get so angry 240 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,356 it could kill him. 241 00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:46,067 -Making him O.J.'s third victim. 242 00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:52,157 [♪♪♪] 243 00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:56,661 -Matty will be up soon. How do we tell him about O.J.? 244 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,455 -Oh, let's tell him Johnny's gay. 245 00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:00,623 When he finds out it's not true, he'll be so relieved 246 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,125 he won't even care about O.J. 247 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,335 -That's a stupid plan. 248 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,627 -Well, it's worth a try. 249 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:05,795 Now, we're gonna need rollerblades, 250 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,297 bicycle shorts, and some ice cream 251 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,298 to get angry at. 252 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,507 -What does that mean? 253 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,508 -Well, because the ice cream 254 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:11,634 wants you to eat it, 255 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,303 but you gotta keep your body lean 256 00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:14,346 for shenanigans. 257 00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,222 -What if we don't tell him? 258 00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,141 -What? -He's stuck in bed. 259 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,059 He'll never know. 260 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:19,893 -Yes, he will. 261 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,061 There's a TV up there. 262 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,479 -It's a Zenith. 263 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,314 -We can cut the wires and tell him the cable's out. 264 00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:26,149 -What, forever? -No. Not forever. 265 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,234 Just till he's better and he can handle the news. 266 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,570 -That could work. -Are you serious? 267 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,322 -Blaire, you heard the doctor. 268 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:33,990 If he gets pissed off, it'll kill him. 269 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:37,744 -Oh, I can't lose my Matty. What would I do without him? 270 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:38,828 -Thrive. 271 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,622 -I feel like this is all my fault. 272 00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,041 Dad would have never had that heart attack 273 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,543 if he hadn't been so upset about me bein' lazy. 274 00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:47,962 Blaire, we gotta do this. 275 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,049 -[sighs] Fine. 276 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,842 -It's not all your fault, Johnny. 277 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,679 I've seen him put a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone. 278 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,764 -He does love his Cris-cones. [chuckles] 279 00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,182 Mm. 280 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:01,226 [♪♪♪] 281 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,653 [inhales] 282 00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:15,156 [groans, sighs] 283 00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:20,412 [crackling] 284 00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,290 -Goddammit! 285 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,459 Susan! 286 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,087 -Matty, what's the matter? 287 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,297 -Something wrong with the TV. I can't get shit. 288 00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,717 -Oh, yeah. The, uh, the cable company called. 289 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,385 They said it's gonna be out for at least a week. 290 00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:36,803 -Why don't you read a book? 291 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,096 -What am I, a woman? 292 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,223 -Uh... -Guys are nurses, 293 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,391 men reading books. 294 00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:42,642 Janet Reno. 295 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,227 What the fuck is goin' on with the world? 296 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:45,395 -Matty, don't get upset. 297 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:48,231 Remember, the doctor said to keep calm. 298 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,733 -I wanna watch the news. 299 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,943 The O.J. verdict's gotta be out by now. 300 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:54,446 You know what? I'll call Trammel's. 301 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,905 Maybe somebody's heard something. 302 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,323 -He's guilty! 303 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,075 -What? -Yeah, Dad. 304 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:00,994 O.J. was found guilty, just like you were hopin'. 305 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,620 So there's no reason to be upset. 306 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,330 -Why the hell didn't you guys tell me? 307 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:09,419 -I was... gonna tell you after you filled your bedpan. 308 00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:10,962 As a reward. 309 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:15,008 -Oh! [laughs] Oh, man. 310 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,260 Oh, I... I wish I could have seen 311 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,636 the look on O.J.'s face 312 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,013 when they read that verdict. 313 00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:22,515 See, Blaire, even your black jury agrees 314 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:24,684 with me about the cops. [chuckles] 315 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,853 You gotta feel pretty fucking stupid right now. 316 00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:30,273 -Oh, I... feel stupid. 317 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:33,443 -Man, I can't wait to read about this in tomorrow's paper. 318 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:34,611 -What? -Yeah. 319 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,112 Bring it to me first thing in the mornin'. 320 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,448 -You know what? They, they might not even cover it. 321 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,783 -Of course they're gonna cover it. 322 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,618 It's the biggest news story of the year. 323 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,286 -Right. There's no gettin' around that. 324 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,955 -In the meantime, I can just listen to the news on the radio. 325 00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:46,831 [stammering] 326 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,083 [clatters] 327 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,711 -Oops. -Oh, butterfingers. 328 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,715 It's like he-he's got butter 329 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,509 on, all over your fingers, 330 00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,219 with what just happened. 331 00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:01,304 Right? 332 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,264 Go wash your fingers. Huh? 333 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:05,517 Go wash your fingers. 334 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,228 [♪♪♪] 335 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,816 -Well, we're already back in fuckin' school. 336 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,317 That didn't take long. -Yeah. 337 00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:16,653 I can't believe how easy it was to break into this place. 338 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,655 -Yeah, probably be easy to come in, 339 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,490 set a bunch of explosives, kill everybody. 340 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,409 -Jesus fuckin' Christ, Teddy! 341 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,743 -What? I'm sayin' it's a flaw. 342 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,161 I'm-I'm pointin' it out. I'm helping. 343 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,413 -Seriously, what the fuck is-- 344 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,248 -Oh, come on, Johnny, you know I'm a good guy. 345 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,041 You've seen my manifesto. 346 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,339 [door creaks] 347 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,341 -Ah, sweet. They got everything we need. 348 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:41,219 -We sure we can pull this off? -Oh, totally. 349 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,221 How hard could it be to make a fake newspaper? 350 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,515 I mean, it's just a big headline that says "O.J. Guilty" 351 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,684 and then a bunch of bullshit about how justice was served. 352 00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,185 -Johnny, there's more to a paper 353 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:50,186 than one article. 354 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,730 Real papers have sports sections 355 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,232 and restaurant reviews and comics and Jumble, 356 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,359 that scrambled word game that's no fun 357 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,028 and way harder than you think it'll be. 358 00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,446 -Shit. You're right. 359 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,364 We got a lot of work to do. -Exactly. 360 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:02,866 Now, we got a long night ahead of us. 361 00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,743 I want 500 words on the Big Dig. 362 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,745 And where's the girl with my egg salad sandwich? 363 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:07,787 -Right away, Queef. 364 00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:10,498 [both laughing] 365 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,459 All right. Let's keep my dad from dying. 366 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,087 [♪♪♪] 367 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,926 -Hey, Dad. How you doin'? 368 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,219 -Bored as shit. 369 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:24,888 -Well, get ready to cheer up, 370 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,514 'cause here's today's paper. 371 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,392 -A little thinner than usual. 372 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,102 -Oh, uh... 373 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,271 well, the newspaper people were probably so focused 374 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,066 on the main part that they ran out of time for the other stuff. 375 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,901 -Or maybe someone was goofin' off, 376 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,569 accidentally unplugged the computer, 377 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:41,071 and they lost hours of work. 378 00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:43,114 -Well, maybe that person needed to blow off some steam 379 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,949 because his editor was ridin' him so hard. 380 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,911 -Maybe the editor resents having to hire the owner's nephew. 381 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:50,663 -Well, maybe that writer hasn't seen his kid in fuckin' weeks 382 00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:52,749 because the editor is such a goddamn slave driver! 383 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:54,793 -Maybe this city's full of promising young journalists 384 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,753 who'd be happy to take his fuckin' seat in a second! 385 00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,463 Maybe suck a dick or two along the way. 386 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,006 [Matty laughs] 387 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,258 Look at this, huh? Ha ha! 388 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,344 "Simpson was found guilty of murdering 389 00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:07,764 "a blonde lady and another guy because he totally did it, 390 00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,974 "and anyone that thinks different is an idiot." 391 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,601 Just like I've been sayin'. 392 00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,478 -Yeah, almost word for word. 393 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,313 -See what else is happenin', huh? 394 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,860 "Sox Win Makes Yankees Fans Cry." 395 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:24,239 "UN Declares America Did Win Vietnam." 396 00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,450 Finally, a good news day. And look at this. 397 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,994 "Jane Fonda Admits 'I'm a piece of shit.'" 398 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,287 -If you're lookin' for a chuckle, 399 00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,997 maybe check out the comic strip. 400 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,374 -Comic strip? 401 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,962 The Galumphs. What's this? 402 00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:41,506 -Uh, it's new, but I've been hearing good things. 403 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,134 Apparently it's about a family called the Galumphs 404 00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:46,386 who get into all sorts of mischief 405 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,138 but love each other at the end of the day. 406 00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:49,639 -It's not drawn too good. 407 00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:50,849 -Yeah, it's not supposed to be slick. 408 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:51,975 That's part of the charm. 409 00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:53,309 [laughing] 410 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:55,311 -He, he brought a... He brought a beach chair 411 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,479 to the DMV. 412 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:57,731 [laughing] 413 00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,524 He knows he's gonna be there all day. 414 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,859 -Classic Galumphs. 415 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,360 All right, we'll leave you to it. 416 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,487 Enjoy that article about Clinton's hemorrhoids. 417 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:07,032 -Hey, don't forget to bring me tomorrow's newspaper too. 418 00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:08,324 -Tomorrow? 419 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,826 -Yeah, I'm sure they'll have 420 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,202 all the sections by then. 421 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,538 I wanna know what these Galumphs get up to next. 422 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:15,248 -Yeah, me too. 423 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:16,875 -[whispers] We're gonna need some help. 424 00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:20,211 [♪♪♪] 425 00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:25,383 -All right, here's the headline for tomorrow's paper. 426 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,260 -"Forty Minutes on Toilet 427 00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,888 Equal to Running Two Miles." Oh, this is terrific. 428 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,556 Blaire, how's the business section coming? 429 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,893 -I just finished a piece on gender-based pay discrepancy. 430 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,103 -Are you fuckin' crazy? I can't print this. 431 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:40,106 -It's all true. Women make 72 cents on the dollar. 432 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,441 -I don't give a shit about the truth. 433 00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:42,942 We're tryin' to keep Matty alive. 434 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:45,528 -So we're just gonna create a bubble around him 435 00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:47,030 where all he ever hears is news 436 00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,074 that reinforces his warped worldview? 437 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,201 -Pretty much. -Give me something I can use. 438 00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:54,371 Like "Scientists Prove Women Worse Drivers" 439 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,540 or "Tipping With Change is More than Enough." 440 00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,209 -[sighs] Why can't one of you guys do it? 441 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:01,044 -No. I'm working on a huge story. 442 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,213 "There's No Reason to Turn the Heat On." 443 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,298 -And I still gotta figure out tomorrow's Galumphs. 444 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:06,633 Okay, how about this? 445 00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,134 Gary Galumph tells his wife 446 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,136 to get all gussied up for a fancy dinner, 447 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,721 and then he takes her to the grocery store 448 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:13,223 to fill up on free samples. 449 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:15,558 -I'm smiling, but I'm not laughing yet. 450 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,602 -Okay. Uh, is this anything? 451 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,145 Gary Galumph is on the treadmill, 452 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:21,898 and then we cut wider to reveal that he's on roller skates. 453 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,274 -Yeah, they did something similar 454 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,776 in yesterday's Wizard of Id. 455 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,236 -All right. Uh... 456 00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:29,280 Gladys Galumph becomes a health inspector for the city, 457 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,282 and she finds a cockroach in the kitchen 458 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,450 at one of the restaurants. 459 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,952 And before she can shut the place down, 460 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,413 the cockroach says, "Excuse me, ma'am, I'm the owner." 461 00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:39,249 -Yes, yes, yes. Draw, draw, draw. 462 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,417 Fuck, draw. 463 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,460 [♪♪♪] 464 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:51,136 -Well, someone's feelin' better. 465 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,637 -Look at this. Look at this. 466 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,806 "Hillary Clinton Spotted at Urinal." 467 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,099 I fuckin' knew it! 468 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,934 -Hey, Dad, did you see today's Galumphs? 469 00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,145 -Oh, the best one so far. 470 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:03,106 I-I'll tell you, any time a dog wears sunglasses, 471 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,774 you got my attention. 472 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,693 -I don't think I've ever seen you smile, 473 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,112 but not quite laugh, so much. 474 00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:11,114 -Well, the world finally makes sense, Susan. 475 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:14,951 O.J. got what he deserved. The Sox are on a winning streak. 476 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,202 You know, the only, the only problem is 477 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,954 the damn cable's still out. 478 00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:18,788 Fuck it. 479 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:19,831 I'm gonna call, 480 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,207 see what's taking 'em so long. 481 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:23,001 -Uh, oh, wait, uh, no, actually 482 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:24,878 you don't have to do that because... 483 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,629 they're coming by tomorrow. 484 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:27,839 -Finally. 485 00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:33,303 -John, if we fix the cable, he's gonna find out about O.J. 486 00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:35,096 -Well, what if we make our own news? 487 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,473 -Huh? -We got all that 488 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,515 video equipment at school. 489 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,017 We just need to find an actor. 490 00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:42,187 -[sighs] Sadly, we know one. 491 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:44,814 [knock on door] 492 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:45,732 -Come in. 493 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,652 What do you two want? 494 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,030 -Here's something you probably never heard before. 495 00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:54,032 We'd like to hire you again. 496 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:56,076 [♪♪♪] 497 00:17:57,869 --> 00:17:58,995 -Well, look, I'd love to help you out, 498 00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,997 but I have a strict rule against sequels. 499 00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,874 -Oh, do you? -Yeah, I do. 500 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,168 I hate seeing actors like Harrison Ford, Pacino, 501 00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,544 guys not without talent, 502 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,338 throwing it all away for a quick buck. 503 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:09,714 -This is not a... level. -Yeah. No. 504 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,091 -This is something much simpler. -It's not like that. 505 00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,175 It's a, it's a new role. -Yeah. 506 00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:13,218 -It's a newscaster. 507 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:14,719 -Go on. 508 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,221 -That's sorta it. -Yeah, that's it. 509 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,972 -Yeah. -Yeah. That's the role. 510 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:23,978 -Uh, could this newscaster have a son, uh, in the hospital? 511 00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:27,065 -Uh, yeah. Sure. -Uh... I mean, I guess. 512 00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,192 -That's why his job means so much to him. 513 00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:30,443 Watching the news is the only way 514 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:32,362 his bedridden son can feel connected 515 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:33,863 to the outside world. 516 00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,281 With the comforting face of his father 517 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,700 as a beacon in the dark. 518 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:37,742 -Yeah, we don't really need, uh-- 519 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:38,910 -You know what? 520 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:40,620 I could play the son in a flash forward. 521 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,871 -Yeah, we're not makin' a movie here. 522 00:18:41,913 --> 00:18:43,581 -And I feel like we need to be daring. 523 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,459 This-this newscaster's grappling with his own sexuality, 524 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,211 and as a result, he's never been able 525 00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,213 to have an authentic moment with his son. 526 00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,631 -And now it might be too late. 527 00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:52,632 -Right. 528 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:53,717 -Because of the cancer. 529 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,051 -[chuckles] Oh, my God. 530 00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:56,886 I mean, this is how people win Oscars. 531 00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:58,388 -Bingo. -Hey, hey, hey, hey. 532 00:18:58,430 --> 00:18:59,305 The fuck are you doing? 533 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,307 -What? -Don't encourage this. 534 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,560 -And the sex scene should be, uh, ambiguous. 535 00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,395 I mean, sex to him is a rubicon. 536 00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,230 I want the sex scenes to raise questions, 537 00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:09,566 but provide no answers. -Yeah, this is getting kinda-- 538 00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:11,401 -I'm willing to have sex on camera. 539 00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:12,902 -Okay, look, there's also another role 540 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:13,820 we need you to play. 541 00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:15,071 -Dual roles? 542 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,114 Oh, wow. I'm loving this. 543 00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,657 [chuckles] What's the other part? 544 00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:20,660 -It's a cable guy who comes to the house to fix the cable. 545 00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:23,079 -Could I, uh, could I pitch you something? 546 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:24,080 -Sure. 547 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:25,498 -You ready? -Yeah. 548 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,250 -He's retarded. -No. 549 00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:28,460 -Oh, yeah. -No. 550 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,420 -He's full-blown, one wheel in the sand. 551 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:31,963 -Doesn't help us at all. 552 00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,799 Okay, now remember, just put the tape in the VCR 553 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,092 and pretend to fix the cable. 554 00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:37,594 -[in English accent] Sure thing, guv'nor. 555 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,304 I just moved here from old Blighty, 556 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:40,597 lookin' to start a new life. 557 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,432 -No, no. No, no, no. We talked about this. 558 00:19:42,474 --> 00:19:43,641 Just get in the fuckin' house. 559 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,646 And no limps! 560 00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,649 -Hey, Dad. 561 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,526 Look who we just ran into out on the steps. 562 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,278 It's the cable guy. 563 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,448 -Oh, about goddamn time. Can you fix the cable? 564 00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:00,158 -Yeah, blood, I can fix the cable. 565 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,826 -No, no. Get the fuck to work. 566 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:06,373 -Anythin', uh, good in the paper today? 567 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,792 -Kangaroos are fake. [chuckles] 568 00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:09,793 Fuckin' called it. 569 00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:11,544 -What? No, they're not. 570 00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:13,463 -Olivia Newton-John admitted it. 571 00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:15,131 Educate yourself, Blaire. 572 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:17,300 [sighs] Fuckin' A. 573 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:18,802 The world's finally gettin' good, 574 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,637 and I'm stuck at home. [sighs] 575 00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:21,888 Maybe I should go for a walk. 576 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,890 -Oh, no, no. -No! No, no. Home is better. 577 00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,975 -Okay. All finished. 578 00:20:26,017 --> 00:20:27,560 -Wow, that was fast. 579 00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:30,689 -Guess I'll go, uh, turn on the TV. 580 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:34,818 -Good evening. 581 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:36,152 I'm Chad Farnsworth, 582 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,655 and this is your world. 583 00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:39,656 -Who the hell is this? 584 00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:41,157 I've never seen this guy before. 585 00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:42,826 -He seems complicated. 586 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:46,204 -Our top story, O.J. Simpson is still behind bars, 587 00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,664 where reportedly... 588 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:48,832 -[mouthing along] ...he cries himself 589 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:50,250 to sleep each night. 590 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:51,209 -Fuckin' yes! 591 00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,919 -Asked if reopening Alcatraz 592 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:54,337 is a little extreme, 593 00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:55,755 the California governor said, 594 00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:57,382 "Not for this monster." 595 00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:58,508 -Amen. 596 00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,218 -And now let's check in 597 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,887 with our weather girl, Haley Snowden. 598 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:04,848 Haley, uh, what's the weather forecast 599 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:06,016 for the weekend look like? 600 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:08,268 -Oh, not so good, Chad... [laughs] 601 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:10,270 ...unless you're a duck. [chuckles] 602 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:12,897 -[laughing] Good one, Haley. 603 00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,193 Uh, we're sleeping together. I can't keep my hands off her. 604 00:21:17,235 --> 00:21:18,987 [inhales] Not even at work. 605 00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:21,573 Oh, yeah. 606 00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:24,367 [moans] Oh, my gosh. 607 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,578 I haven't felt like this since my wife died. 608 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,954 Mm! Ohh! 609 00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:29,956 -Okay, that's enough of that. -[turns off TV] 610 00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:32,000 [♪♪♪] 611 00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:34,544 -We're fucked. 612 00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:36,880 Dad's gonna be expecting another newscast tomorrow. 613 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,798 -Well, that's our life now, Johnny. 614 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,134 Preparing a daily paper and nightly news. 615 00:21:41,509 --> 00:21:43,720 We are a two-man media empire. 616 00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:45,221 Oh, and by the way, I fired Blaire. 617 00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:46,264 She's suing us. 618 00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:47,766 -Have you boys seen Matty? 619 00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:50,643 He's not in the bedroom, and I can't find him anywhere. 620 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:51,770 -No. 621 00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:57,233 -He-he's not in the garage or the basement. 622 00:21:57,275 --> 00:22:00,403 -His coat's gone, but the car is still here. 623 00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:01,780 -He-he must have gone for a walk. 624 00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:04,240 -Oh, shit. He's out in the world. 625 00:22:04,282 --> 00:22:06,785 He could learn the truth and have another heart attack. 626 00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:12,582 -Hey, how about those fuckin' fake kangaroos, huh? 627 00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:13,792 -What? 628 00:22:19,214 --> 00:22:21,216 [♪♪♪] 629 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:30,517 reporter: Excuse me, sir? -Yeah? 630 00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:32,310 -Sir, we're doing a man-on-the-street interview 631 00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:33,520 for Channel Six News. 632 00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:34,896 Would you be willing to give your opinion? 633 00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:36,231 -Always. 634 00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,150 -We're wondering how you feel about the O.J. verdict. 635 00:22:39,192 --> 00:22:40,318 -Oh, I love it. 636 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:41,986 Makes me proud to be an American. 637 00:22:42,028 --> 00:22:43,822 -Really? -Absolutely. 638 00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:45,532 I-I would have done the exact same thing 639 00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:46,991 if I was on that jury. 640 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,201 -What about those who say 641 00:22:48,243 --> 00:22:50,161 the verdict was racially motivated? 642 00:22:50,203 --> 00:22:51,162 -Bullshit. 643 00:22:51,204 --> 00:22:52,497 As far as I'm concerned, 644 00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:54,833 O.J. is getting exactly what he deserves. 645 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,710 -Okay, well, thank you for your time. 646 00:22:57,252 --> 00:22:59,254 -Hey, can you believe your weather lady's 647 00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:00,964 fuckin' the anchor? 648 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,968 [♪♪♪] 649 00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:10,557 -Hey, Matty. Ain't seen you in a few days. 650 00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:13,226 What you been up to? -Uh, I had a heart attack. Yeah. 651 00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:15,353 They had to put a fuckin' stent in my artery. 652 00:23:15,395 --> 00:23:17,355 -Oh, yeah? I got one of those. 653 00:23:17,397 --> 00:23:19,399 -Yeah, I'm mostly stent at this point. 654 00:23:19,441 --> 00:23:21,192 They give you last rites? -No. 655 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,069 -Oh, then don't fuckin' bore me. 656 00:23:23,111 --> 00:23:26,281 -Hey, how about that O.J. verdict, huh? 657 00:23:26,322 --> 00:23:28,908 -Oh, don't remind me. I'm still pissed off about it. 658 00:23:28,950 --> 00:23:31,202 -Why? For once they got it right. 659 00:23:31,244 --> 00:23:32,620 -Are you shittin' me? 660 00:23:32,662 --> 00:23:33,788 The whole thing was rigged. 661 00:23:33,830 --> 00:23:35,415 -Well, maybe a little. 662 00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:37,375 But, you know, sometimes you gotta put your thumb 663 00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:40,211 on the scales of justice just to make sure things turn out fair. 664 00:23:40,253 --> 00:23:42,881 -Justice? You don't know what you're fuckin' talkin' about. 665 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:43,882 -The hell I don't. 666 00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:44,758 -Hey, hey. 667 00:23:44,799 --> 00:23:46,259 I got other customers here, huh? 668 00:23:46,301 --> 00:23:49,220 -Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't be bickering. 669 00:23:49,262 --> 00:23:50,472 We, we sound like 670 00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:52,599 Gary and Gladys Galumph. [chuckles] 671 00:23:53,016 --> 00:23:53,933 -Who? 672 00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:55,477 -From the comic strip. 673 00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:56,686 -Never heard of it. 674 00:23:57,437 --> 00:23:58,772 -It's in the paper every day. 675 00:23:58,813 --> 00:24:00,774 -I think they put that stent in your fuckin' brain. 676 00:24:01,149 --> 00:24:03,651 -The... the fuckin' Galumphs! Jesus Christ. 677 00:24:03,693 --> 00:24:06,738 You know, "Oh, Gladys, my achin' back." The Galumphs! 678 00:24:06,780 --> 00:24:08,615 -I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about! 679 00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,408 -They're making a movie with Rosie O'Donnell. 680 00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:12,744 -Oh, Matty, thank God. There you are. 681 00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:14,829 -Dad, we were lookin' all over for you. 682 00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:16,998 -Honey, you gotta come home. You need your rest. 683 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,750 -I don't wanna go. I just got my beer. 684 00:24:18,792 --> 00:24:19,918 -You gotta get him outta here, Susan. 685 00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:21,294 He's talkin' fuckin' crazy. 686 00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:22,253 -Come on, Matty. -I'm talking... 687 00:24:22,295 --> 00:24:23,505 -Let's go. -He's fuckin' crazy! 688 00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:25,131 He's never heard of the fuckin' Galumphs! 689 00:24:25,173 --> 00:24:26,925 -There ain't no Galumphs, asshole! 690 00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:29,177 -You wouldn't know! You don't fuckin' read, you dumb fuck! 691 00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:32,097 -I read Garfield like a regular fuckin' human being, fuckface! 692 00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:33,640 -Fuck Garfield and fuck you! 693 00:24:33,682 --> 00:24:35,600 -You should have been a fuckin' blowjob, asshole! 694 00:24:35,642 --> 00:24:37,936 -Why don't you go shit in another urinal, you drunk fuck? 695 00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,020 -Get him outta here. 696 00:24:39,062 --> 00:24:40,146 [patrons speak indistinctly] 697 00:24:40,188 --> 00:24:41,856 -Glad you're doin' better, though. 698 00:24:41,898 --> 00:24:42,774 [door closes] 699 00:24:42,816 --> 00:24:44,818 [♪♪♪] 700 00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:50,532 -He's asleep. 701 00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:52,367 -Well, that was a close fuckin' call. 702 00:24:52,409 --> 00:24:55,954 -You guys, this is insane. We have to tell him the truth. 703 00:24:55,995 --> 00:24:57,497 -It's too risky. 704 00:24:57,539 --> 00:24:59,833 Plus, I already started working on tomorrow's Galumphs. 705 00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:02,460 Gary goes as himself for Halloween 'cause of inflation. 706 00:25:02,502 --> 00:25:03,503 -Ha! 707 00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:04,462 -Maybe we should wait 708 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:06,131 a little while longer 709 00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:07,966 until he gets his strength back. 710 00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:10,010 -No, this is fucking crazy! 711 00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:11,678 He walked to Trammel's. 712 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,722 That's the most exercise he's gotten in years. 713 00:25:13,763 --> 00:25:14,681 He's fine. 714 00:25:14,723 --> 00:25:15,849 He almost got in a fistfight 715 00:25:15,890 --> 00:25:17,851 over fucking Garfield and survived. 716 00:25:17,892 --> 00:25:20,562 -But he's enjoying his new life. 717 00:25:20,603 --> 00:25:23,815 Please, Blaire, all we have to do is lie to him forever 718 00:25:23,857 --> 00:25:25,358 and he'll be happy. 719 00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:28,611 [♪♪♪] 720 00:25:33,533 --> 00:25:34,868 Matty: Hello? 721 00:25:36,870 --> 00:25:38,747 I-I'm supposed to meet somebody here. 722 00:25:39,414 --> 00:25:40,373 Hello? 723 00:25:41,082 --> 00:25:43,793 -I have some information you might want. 724 00:25:44,627 --> 00:25:45,545 -Blaire? 725 00:25:45,879 --> 00:25:47,339 -[sighs] Yes. 726 00:25:47,380 --> 00:25:49,090 -What the fuck are we doin' here? 727 00:25:49,132 --> 00:25:50,258 -Do they know you're gone? 728 00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,344 -No. I-I climbed out the bathroom window 729 00:25:52,385 --> 00:25:53,219 like the note said. 730 00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:54,596 What the fuck is goin' on? 731 00:25:55,221 --> 00:25:57,182 -The rest of the family doesn't want you to see this, 732 00:25:57,223 --> 00:25:59,768 but... I can't keep living a lie. 733 00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:06,191 -[sighs] What's this? Some kinda joke paper? 734 00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:09,444 -No, Matty, it's the real newspaper. 735 00:26:10,111 --> 00:26:11,738 O.J. is a free man. 736 00:26:13,323 --> 00:26:15,325 -What? -Read the rest. 737 00:26:18,620 --> 00:26:21,081 It's... it says Cleveland swept the Red Sox 738 00:26:21,122 --> 00:26:22,248 out of the playoffs. 739 00:26:22,582 --> 00:26:24,709 -Of course they lost. They're the Red Sox. 740 00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:26,795 -You are fuckin' with me! -Look at the funnies. 741 00:26:28,755 --> 00:26:29,756 -Wha... 742 00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:33,385 The Galumphs! Where are the fucking Galumphs? 743 00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:35,804 -There are no Galumphs, Matty. 744 00:26:36,513 --> 00:26:37,889 -But... 745 00:26:37,931 --> 00:26:40,850 But Hillary Clinton, her dick was real, right? 746 00:26:41,267 --> 00:26:42,602 [sighs] 747 00:26:42,644 --> 00:26:44,813 -No, she has a vagina. 748 00:26:44,854 --> 00:26:45,772 [gasps] 749 00:26:45,814 --> 00:26:47,899 [suspenseful music playing] 750 00:26:47,941 --> 00:26:48,942 [Matty gasps] 751 00:26:50,026 --> 00:26:50,860 [whimpers] 752 00:26:52,028 --> 00:26:52,904 Oh, my... 753 00:26:52,946 --> 00:26:54,197 [dramatic music playing] 754 00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:03,415 -Hey, look, that's the guy from the news. 755 00:27:03,456 --> 00:27:06,418 Hey! Thanks for stickin' up for O.J. 756 00:27:06,459 --> 00:27:07,627 -Wh-what? 757 00:27:07,669 --> 00:27:10,463 -You're the blackest white man in Boston! 758 00:27:10,505 --> 00:27:12,674 [heavy breathing] 759 00:27:12,716 --> 00:27:14,801 [music intensifies] 760 00:27:14,843 --> 00:27:16,845 [heart thumping] 761 00:27:18,847 --> 00:27:20,140 [thumping stops] 762 00:27:21,141 --> 00:27:22,517 [panting] 763 00:27:22,559 --> 00:27:25,103 -Oh, my God. Um... I-I-I'll call an ambulance. 764 00:27:25,145 --> 00:27:27,439 -No. [panting continues] 765 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:28,815 Let me die. 766 00:27:29,983 --> 00:27:31,985 [♪♪♪] 767 00:27:37,824 --> 00:27:39,451 -Oh, Matty. 768 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:40,952 Thank God you're okay. 769 00:27:40,994 --> 00:27:43,538 I was so scared. -I'm fine. 770 00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:45,540 I'm actually starting to get used to these heart attacks. 771 00:27:45,582 --> 00:27:46,958 Next one should be a breeze. Susan: Aw. 772 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,836 Oh, you're not allowed to have any more heart attacks. 773 00:27:49,878 --> 00:27:52,797 We're gonna have a, a long life together. 774 00:27:52,839 --> 00:27:54,007 [monitor beeping] 775 00:27:54,049 --> 00:27:55,592 I love you, Matty Bennett. 776 00:27:56,009 --> 00:27:57,510 -I love you too, Susan. 777 00:27:57,552 --> 00:27:58,928 -I'm sorry, Uncle Matty. 778 00:27:59,387 --> 00:28:02,015 I thought telling you the truth was the right thing to do. 779 00:28:02,057 --> 00:28:05,352 I-I didn't realize you were so... entrenched. 780 00:28:05,894 --> 00:28:07,979 Anyways, yeah, I'm-I'm sorry. 781 00:28:08,021 --> 00:28:09,481 -No, it's all my fault. 782 00:28:09,522 --> 00:28:12,317 This whole thing started 'cause I'm a freeloadin' fuckup, 783 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:15,320 and I fucked it up even worse by tricking ya. 784 00:28:15,362 --> 00:28:17,572 I don't blame you for being pissed. 785 00:28:17,614 --> 00:28:18,823 -Are you kiddin'? 786 00:28:18,865 --> 00:28:21,576 I'm not pissed. I'm fuckin' impressed. 787 00:28:21,618 --> 00:28:23,578 -What? -Yeah. 788 00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:27,040 You made a whole newspaper every day for a week. 789 00:28:27,082 --> 00:28:29,501 Shit, it was some of the best sports writing 790 00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:30,835 I've read in years. 791 00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:32,504 And, and the news. 792 00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:35,256 Johnny, you created an entire world. 793 00:28:35,298 --> 00:28:36,925 A world I wanna live in. 794 00:28:36,966 --> 00:28:39,010 Where the Red Sox don't suck. 795 00:28:39,052 --> 00:28:41,179 Where Madonna is dead. 796 00:28:41,221 --> 00:28:45,100 And where a white guy in America can finally get a fair shake. 797 00:28:45,558 --> 00:28:46,559 -Could I get some morphine? 798 00:28:46,601 --> 00:28:48,561 -Sure. I'll join you. 799 00:28:48,603 --> 00:28:50,313 -Yeah, it was a lie, but... 800 00:28:51,147 --> 00:28:53,066 it gave me somethin' to believe in. 801 00:28:53,942 --> 00:28:55,568 And if you can do all that... 802 00:28:56,236 --> 00:28:59,197 I know you can do anything you set your mind to. 803 00:28:59,239 --> 00:29:01,032 -It was kind of a two-man operation. 804 00:29:01,074 --> 00:29:02,617 -So you don't think I'm a fuckup? 805 00:29:02,659 --> 00:29:04,411 -You got potential, Johnny. 806 00:29:05,578 --> 00:29:06,913 I'm proud of you. 807 00:29:07,997 --> 00:29:09,416 -Thanks, Dad. 808 00:29:09,457 --> 00:29:12,252 [gentle music playing] 809 00:29:19,009 --> 00:29:20,468 [inhales deeply] 810 00:29:20,510 --> 00:29:23,221 Oh, man, it's just startin' to hit me 811 00:29:23,263 --> 00:29:24,597 that high school's really over. 812 00:29:24,639 --> 00:29:26,224 -Yeah, there's no denyin' it. 813 00:29:26,266 --> 00:29:29,728 You and I are now responsible adult members of society. 814 00:29:29,769 --> 00:29:31,104 Hand me that bong. 815 00:29:31,146 --> 00:29:33,732 -We'll probably end up getting our own place soon. 816 00:29:33,773 --> 00:29:35,567 You think Mom will still come over to, like, 817 00:29:35,608 --> 00:29:37,318 do our laundry and clean up and shit? 818 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,112 -Abso-fucking-lutely not. 819 00:29:39,154 --> 00:29:40,280 -She's right, Johnny. 820 00:29:40,321 --> 00:29:41,573 We're grown-ups now. 821 00:29:41,614 --> 00:29:43,158 We'll bring the laundry to Susan. 822 00:29:43,199 --> 00:29:46,244 -I say we become industrial bigwigs 823 00:29:46,286 --> 00:29:48,246 with an office in the World Trade Center. 824 00:29:48,288 --> 00:29:50,248 -Two offices, one in each tower. 825 00:29:50,290 --> 00:29:51,916 -And a satellite office in the Pentagon 826 00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:53,752 for all those fat government contracts. 827 00:29:53,793 --> 00:29:55,253 -And a summer home for vacations. 828 00:29:55,295 --> 00:29:57,756 I hear they got some great open land in Pennsylvania. 829 00:29:57,797 --> 00:29:59,257 Oh, nothin' will stop us. 830 00:29:59,299 --> 00:30:00,925 -I think you guys might need to 831 00:30:00,967 --> 00:30:02,761 lower your expectations a little bit. 832 00:30:02,802 --> 00:30:04,929 -Oh, nuh-uh. You heard my dad. 833 00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:07,098 I can do anything I set my mind to. 834 00:30:07,140 --> 00:30:09,100 I can go to college, invent something. 835 00:30:09,142 --> 00:30:10,685 -The sky's the limit. 836 00:30:10,727 --> 00:30:13,229 -So, what are you gonna do? 837 00:30:13,646 --> 00:30:15,648 [inspiring music playing] 838 00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,325 -You sure this is what you want? 839 00:30:25,367 --> 00:30:27,827 -Never been more sure of anything in my life. 840 00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:31,456 I'm gonna get totally ripped. 841 00:30:31,498 --> 00:30:33,792 -You mean like a normal level of in-shape? 842 00:30:33,833 --> 00:30:36,294 -No. Like, really ripped. 843 00:30:36,336 --> 00:30:39,381 Like, so muscular that people who love me are concerned. 844 00:30:39,422 --> 00:30:41,633 -I support you in this endeavor. 845 00:30:41,675 --> 00:30:42,592 -Let's go. 846 00:30:44,761 --> 00:30:48,515 narrator: And John did indeed get massively swole. 847 00:30:48,556 --> 00:30:50,141 There was a seven-year period 848 00:30:50,183 --> 00:30:52,143 where he never once wore a shirt. 849 00:30:52,185 --> 00:30:55,480 Eventually he married a really cool girl, 850 00:30:55,522 --> 00:30:59,150 but they got divorced and he met another cool girl. 851 00:30:59,192 --> 00:31:01,152 You know what? There are two movies about it. 852 00:31:01,194 --> 00:31:02,404 Just watch them. 853 00:31:02,445 --> 00:31:03,697 Well, the first one, 854 00:31:03,738 --> 00:31:05,323 the second one has funny moments, 855 00:31:05,365 --> 00:31:06,700 most of them in the first half, 856 00:31:06,741 --> 00:31:08,993 but even I can't sit still for the whole thing. 857 00:31:09,035 --> 00:31:12,163 Anyway, here's the end credits. 858 00:31:12,205 --> 00:31:14,249 [♪♪♪] 859 00:31:15,208 --> 00:31:18,003 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 860 00:31:18,044 --> 00:31:22,340 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 861 00:31:22,382 --> 00:31:25,719 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 862 00:31:27,053 --> 00:31:30,890 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 863 00:31:30,932 --> 00:31:33,518 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 864 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:36,146 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 865 00:31:36,896 --> 00:31:40,358 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 866 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,193 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 867 00:31:42,235 --> 00:31:44,779 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 868 00:31:46,573 --> 00:31:48,616 ♪ Best friend is me ♪ 869 00:31:48,658 --> 00:31:50,660 [♪♪♪]