1 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:10,181 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,223 --> 00:00:13,018 * * 3 00:00:13,059 --> 00:00:14,853 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,894 --> 00:00:16,438 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,479 --> 00:00:19,482 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,524 --> 00:00:23,445 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,486 --> 00:00:26,072 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,824 --> 00:00:30,744 [upbeat music] 9 00:00:30,785 --> 00:00:32,912 * * 10 00:00:32,954 --> 00:00:34,873 - Oh, baby. Here we go. 11 00:00:34,914 --> 00:00:36,583 - Let the festivities begin. 12 00:00:36,624 --> 00:00:38,209 - How many have we got? - Well, let's see. 13 00:00:38,251 --> 00:00:41,212 We got 20 cartons, 12 eggs in each. 14 00:00:41,254 --> 00:00:42,839 That's got to be like, 20 dozen eggs, right? 15 00:00:42,881 --> 00:00:44,215 - Fucking fantastic. 16 00:00:44,257 --> 00:00:46,051 - Do you think we're getting too old for this? 17 00:00:46,092 --> 00:00:48,720 - Oh, come on, Johnny, we're doing a public service here. 18 00:00:48,762 --> 00:00:51,473 If a kid leaves the house in a less than stellar Halloween 19 00:00:51,514 --> 00:00:53,516 costume, he's got to get the bad news 20 00:00:53,558 --> 00:00:55,643 before he makes a fool of himself all over town. 21 00:00:55,685 --> 00:00:56,895 We're Samaritans. 22 00:00:56,936 --> 00:00:58,188 You remember last year? 23 00:00:58,229 --> 00:00:59,314 - Oh, check it out. There's one. 24 00:00:59,356 --> 00:01:01,274 - Hey, nice costume, fuckface! 25 00:01:01,316 --> 00:01:03,193 - Ah! What the hell? 26 00:01:03,234 --> 00:01:04,569 - Hey, what the fuck are you supposed to be? 27 00:01:04,611 --> 00:01:06,696 - I'm the Hulk. - Yeah, no, you're not. 28 00:01:06,738 --> 00:01:07,864 - Yes, I am! 29 00:01:07,906 --> 00:01:09,407 - The Hulk doesn't have a fucking picture 30 00:01:09,449 --> 00:01:11,326 of the Hulk on his chest. 31 00:01:11,368 --> 00:01:13,411 - Yeah, the Hulk's shirt doesn't say "The Hulk" on it. 32 00:01:13,453 --> 00:01:15,246 - Yeah, if you got to tell us you're the Hulk, 33 00:01:15,288 --> 00:01:16,206 it's already a failed narrative. 34 00:01:16,247 --> 00:01:17,415 - Fuck you. 35 00:01:17,457 --> 00:01:19,209 - Ah! You assholes! 36 00:01:19,250 --> 00:01:20,794 Hulk angry. 37 00:01:20,835 --> 00:01:22,337 - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, whatever, dude. 38 00:01:22,379 --> 00:01:23,755 - Hulk smash! 39 00:01:23,797 --> 00:01:26,466 - Yeah, go back to Walgreens and smash there. 40 00:01:26,508 --> 00:01:28,218 - Hey, you ever notice how the Hulk only talks about himself 41 00:01:28,259 --> 00:01:29,260 in the third person? 42 00:01:29,302 --> 00:01:30,679 - I know. He's like Bob Dole. 43 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:31,805 - Shit! 44 00:01:31,846 --> 00:01:32,931 - All right, how much time we got? 45 00:01:32,972 --> 00:01:34,849 - Uh, a couple hours. 46 00:01:34,891 --> 00:01:36,309 - What do you want to do? 47 00:01:36,351 --> 00:01:38,478 - Scary movie? - Scary movie. 48 00:01:45,485 --> 00:01:47,112 - Wait, what the hell? 49 00:01:47,153 --> 00:01:48,947 Where's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? 50 00:01:48,988 --> 00:01:50,073 Hey, hey, Blaire. 51 00:01:50,115 --> 00:01:51,491 - Yeah. 52 00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:52,951 - I thought you were going to rent scary movies. 53 00:01:52,992 --> 00:01:54,494 - I did. 54 00:01:54,536 --> 00:01:57,080 - Walt Disney's "Watcher in the Woods," what the fuck? 55 00:01:57,122 --> 00:01:59,290 - Chainsaws are lazy and obvious. 56 00:01:59,332 --> 00:02:00,959 This is cerebral. 57 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,877 And it's a really scary movie. 58 00:02:02,919 --> 00:02:04,212 - [scoffs] Walt Disney? 59 00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:06,464 - Early '80s Disney, the dark period. 60 00:02:06,506 --> 00:02:08,466 - Oh, what dark period? It's fucking Disney. 61 00:02:08,508 --> 00:02:09,884 - You'll be scared. 62 00:02:09,926 --> 00:02:11,678 - Oh, come on, I saw "Aladdin," and I was fine. 63 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,348 I wasn't sitting there like, oh, no, fucking Jafar. 64 00:02:15,390 --> 00:02:16,975 - You know, we're not kids anymore, Blaire. 65 00:02:17,017 --> 00:02:18,143 - Yeah. 66 00:02:18,184 --> 00:02:19,436 - I haven't cried last four haircuts. 67 00:02:19,477 --> 00:02:21,146 - Yeah. - I'm using deodorant now. 68 00:02:21,187 --> 00:02:22,564 - Yeah, deodorant. 69 00:02:22,605 --> 00:02:24,566 - Fine, I dare you to watch it. 70 00:02:24,607 --> 00:02:26,109 See if it doesn't mess you up. 71 00:02:26,151 --> 00:02:28,153 - Fine, sure. - No problem. 72 00:02:28,194 --> 00:02:31,114 [tense music] 73 00:02:31,156 --> 00:02:38,288 * * 74 00:02:50,091 --> 00:02:51,384 Oh, no. - No, no, no. 75 00:02:51,426 --> 00:02:52,719 No, no, no. - No, no, I don't like this. 76 00:02:52,761 --> 00:02:54,137 - This is not good. - No. 77 00:02:54,179 --> 00:02:55,680 Nope. 78 00:02:55,722 --> 00:02:57,349 both: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. 79 00:02:57,390 --> 00:02:58,892 - Don't like this. 80 00:03:00,477 --> 00:03:01,561 - Come on. - Oh, stop. 81 00:03:01,603 --> 00:03:03,063 - Come on. - Stop it. 82 00:03:03,104 --> 00:03:04,230 - Come on. - Oh, stop it! 83 00:03:04,272 --> 00:03:05,273 - Come on. - Stop it! 84 00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:06,483 [both scream] 85 00:03:06,524 --> 00:03:07,442 - Goddammit! - Come on! 86 00:03:07,484 --> 00:03:08,568 - What the fuck? - Come on! 87 00:03:08,610 --> 00:03:09,861 - Fuck, you're a piece of shit, Blaire. 88 00:03:09,903 --> 00:03:10,945 Oh, my God. 89 00:03:10,987 --> 00:03:12,113 - Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 90 00:03:12,155 --> 00:03:13,365 - Get it off. - Turn it off. 91 00:03:13,406 --> 00:03:14,657 Turn it the fuck off. - Oh, my God. 92 00:03:14,699 --> 00:03:15,784 - Oh. 93 00:03:15,825 --> 00:03:17,035 - I'm never looking in a mirror again. 94 00:03:17,077 --> 00:03:18,661 - Me neither, fucking God! 95 00:03:18,703 --> 00:03:20,038 - I'm never going to be able to shave. 96 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:21,289 - Yeah. Thanks, Blaire. 97 00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,707 Now he's going to have to grow a mustache. 98 00:03:22,749 --> 00:03:24,084 - Oh, that's going to limit my career choices. 99 00:03:24,125 --> 00:03:25,543 - Yeah, he's going to have to be a cop or a fireman. 100 00:03:25,585 --> 00:03:27,212 - Oh, those are dangerous jobs. - Yeah. 101 00:03:27,253 --> 00:03:28,380 What if he gets killed? 102 00:03:28,421 --> 00:03:29,673 God, Blaire, you're such a fucker. 103 00:03:29,714 --> 00:03:31,675 - Well, next time, don't be so smug with all 104 00:03:31,716 --> 00:03:33,301 your cocky deodorant talk. 105 00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:36,429 [phone ringing] 106 00:03:38,098 --> 00:03:39,641 Hello? 107 00:03:39,683 --> 00:03:41,643 - Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag. 108 00:03:41,685 --> 00:03:42,686 - Oh, hey, Sharon. What's up? 109 00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:44,312 - Mirrors and small children 110 00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:45,730 pointing at things that you can't see. 111 00:03:45,772 --> 00:03:47,190 - Oh, shit. Yeah, that's a bad one. 112 00:03:47,232 --> 00:03:48,400 - God, are you sure? 113 00:03:48,441 --> 00:03:49,901 - Oh, and when the Black guy says, 114 00:03:49,943 --> 00:03:51,945 oh, I'll go check out what the noise is in the basement. 115 00:03:51,986 --> 00:03:53,238 That's always trouble. 116 00:03:53,279 --> 00:03:54,364 - Well, thank you for telling me. 117 00:03:54,406 --> 00:03:55,407 - Yeah, why does the Black guy always die? 118 00:03:55,448 --> 00:03:56,866 - No, it's fine. I'll figure it out. 119 00:03:56,908 --> 00:03:58,034 - Yeah, isn't that kind of racist? 120 00:03:58,076 --> 00:03:59,577 - Seems like it. 121 00:03:59,619 --> 00:04:00,995 - They should have only white people in those movies. 122 00:04:01,037 --> 00:04:03,039 - Oh, yeah, so then the Black guys won't get killed. 123 00:04:03,081 --> 00:04:04,207 - Yeah, I'll talk to you later. 124 00:04:04,249 --> 00:04:05,625 - Blaire, we just came up with a great way 125 00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,252 to make movies less racist. 126 00:04:07,293 --> 00:04:09,087 - Sharon is conscientiously objecting 127 00:04:09,129 --> 00:04:12,632 to this costume party tonight, so I need a designated driver. 128 00:04:12,674 --> 00:04:14,718 Can you do it? - Me? 129 00:04:14,759 --> 00:04:15,802 No, not tonight. 130 00:04:15,844 --> 00:04:17,470 - Yeah, me and Ted got massive plans. 131 00:04:17,512 --> 00:04:18,722 - Well, I can't drive myself. 132 00:04:18,763 --> 00:04:19,973 I'll be full of Jell-O shots. 133 00:04:20,015 --> 00:04:22,058 - So you have a few drinks, big deal. 134 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:24,436 You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving? 135 00:04:24,477 --> 00:04:25,562 How fun it is. 136 00:04:25,603 --> 00:04:26,813 - John doesn't have his license yet. 137 00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:28,314 And you-- - It's like a video game. 138 00:04:28,356 --> 00:04:30,400 - You owe me. - For what? 139 00:04:30,442 --> 00:04:31,609 - I took the heat went Aunt Suze found 140 00:04:31,651 --> 00:04:32,694 the porno you guys rented. 141 00:04:32,736 --> 00:04:34,571 - What do I care? She's not my mom. 142 00:04:34,612 --> 00:04:37,282 My mom's an 11-year-old kid in China with arthritis. 143 00:04:37,323 --> 00:04:38,616 - How do you know that? 144 00:04:38,658 --> 00:04:40,326 - Because she sewed a note in my leg that says 145 00:04:40,368 --> 00:04:41,661 she's never had a vegetable. 146 00:04:41,703 --> 00:04:43,580 - Come on, Ted. Please, you got to drive me. 147 00:04:43,621 --> 00:04:44,748 - It's not a good night, Blaire. 148 00:04:44,789 --> 00:04:46,416 We got plans. - Yeah. 149 00:04:46,458 --> 00:04:48,418 Now, I'm going to go shower and fluff myself, 150 00:04:48,460 --> 00:04:50,170 so I can be in a confident head space 151 00:04:50,211 --> 00:04:51,463 to shame trick-or-treaters. 152 00:04:51,504 --> 00:04:54,632 The cuter I look, the worse they feel. 153 00:04:57,635 --> 00:04:59,804 [vocalizing] * Macarena * 154 00:04:59,846 --> 00:05:02,182 [vocalizing] * Macarena * 155 00:05:02,223 --> 00:05:04,267 [vocalizing] * Macarena * 156 00:05:04,309 --> 00:05:06,811 * Hey, Macarena * 157 00:05:06,853 --> 00:05:09,230 Ah, where's the goddamn conditioner? 158 00:05:09,272 --> 00:05:10,398 - Help me. 159 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,608 - Ah! 160 00:05:11,649 --> 00:05:12,942 - Be my designated driver. 161 00:05:12,984 --> 00:05:14,819 - Jesus Christ, Blaire, what the fuck! 162 00:05:14,861 --> 00:05:15,862 - Well? 163 00:05:15,904 --> 00:05:16,946 - What the fuck is wrong with you? 164 00:05:16,988 --> 00:05:18,656 I'm naked. - You're always naked. 165 00:05:18,698 --> 00:05:20,325 - Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked. 166 00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:21,785 I'm washing my bear parts. 167 00:05:21,826 --> 00:05:23,620 Get lost. 168 00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:31,920 - Help me. - Ah, Jesus Christ! 169 00:05:31,961 --> 00:05:33,254 - Drive me to the party. 170 00:05:33,296 --> 00:05:35,298 - I said no. Stop fucking scaring me. 171 00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:36,591 God! 172 00:05:36,633 --> 00:05:38,093 - You can end this very easily, you know. 173 00:05:38,134 --> 00:05:40,345 - I will not be blackmailed. 174 00:05:40,387 --> 00:05:43,181 [crickets chirping] 175 00:05:43,223 --> 00:05:45,600 - There's nothing like the scent of the hills of Kilkenny 176 00:05:45,642 --> 00:05:46,851 to make you feel fresh. 177 00:05:46,893 --> 00:05:49,521 And we put a bit of that into every bar 178 00:05:49,562 --> 00:05:51,022 of Irish Spring. 179 00:05:51,064 --> 00:05:53,525 - This whole ad campaign is a bluff. 180 00:05:53,566 --> 00:05:54,818 - What do you mean? 181 00:05:54,859 --> 00:05:56,277 - It's like, you know who smells good? 182 00:05:56,319 --> 00:05:57,612 The Irish. 183 00:05:57,654 --> 00:06:00,657 Yeah, a guy named Seamus Boyle smells great. 184 00:06:00,699 --> 00:06:01,783 - Is it warm in here? 185 00:06:01,825 --> 00:06:03,201 - Yeah, it is kind of warm. 186 00:06:03,243 --> 00:06:05,078 - Yeah, it feels like somebody turned up the heat. 187 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,621 I'm going to check the thermostat. 188 00:06:06,663 --> 00:06:08,123 - No, wait. - What? 189 00:06:08,164 --> 00:06:09,332 - It's her. 190 00:06:09,374 --> 00:06:10,750 It's fucking Blaire. 191 00:06:10,792 --> 00:06:12,293 You open that door, she's going to be right there 192 00:06:12,335 --> 00:06:13,586 with that fucking blindfold. 193 00:06:13,628 --> 00:06:15,463 Here, I'll open a window. 194 00:06:18,425 --> 00:06:19,384 - Help me. 195 00:06:19,426 --> 00:06:20,552 - Ah! 196 00:06:20,593 --> 00:06:22,679 All right, goddammit! 197 00:06:22,721 --> 00:06:25,724 - Forbidden donut. 198 00:06:27,142 --> 00:06:29,602 - Well, well, finishing something? 199 00:06:29,644 --> 00:06:31,646 - [screams] 200 00:06:31,688 --> 00:06:34,107 - Now, remember, the instant you finish it... 201 00:06:34,149 --> 00:06:36,401 - Oh, my God! 202 00:06:36,443 --> 00:06:38,903 You two look so adorable. 203 00:06:38,945 --> 00:06:40,030 - Thank you. 204 00:06:40,071 --> 00:06:42,490 - All right, let me guess who you are. 205 00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:46,161 Blaire, you're Batman. 206 00:06:46,202 --> 00:06:47,954 - Close, Catwoman. 207 00:06:47,996 --> 00:06:49,372 - OK. 208 00:06:49,414 --> 00:06:52,584 And, Ted, you're Lawrence of Arabia. 209 00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:54,377 - Yeah, that's exactly right. 210 00:06:54,419 --> 00:06:55,628 All right, now don't worry, Johnny. 211 00:06:55,670 --> 00:06:57,005 I'll be back by 9:00. Right, Blaire? 212 00:06:57,047 --> 00:06:58,882 That was the deal. - Yeah, sure, whatever. 213 00:06:58,923 --> 00:07:00,550 - We're going to miss the first round. 214 00:07:00,592 --> 00:07:01,968 - Yeah, but that's just the little kids. 215 00:07:02,010 --> 00:07:04,596 We'll have plenty of time to shame the puberty crowd. 216 00:07:04,637 --> 00:07:05,764 - Yeah, I guess. 217 00:07:05,805 --> 00:07:08,099 - OK, well, we got to go. 218 00:07:08,141 --> 00:07:09,184 - All right, you two. 219 00:07:09,225 --> 00:07:11,853 You have a fun time now. 220 00:07:11,895 --> 00:07:15,523 Oh, Johnny, don't look so sad. 221 00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:18,526 I have a fun surprise for you. 222 00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:20,028 - What is it? 223 00:07:20,070 --> 00:07:25,075 - I've hidden a Heath bar somewhere in this house. 224 00:07:25,116 --> 00:07:26,409 - Can I get a hint? 225 00:07:26,451 --> 00:07:28,036 - Oh, I can't do this to you. 226 00:07:28,078 --> 00:07:29,287 It's in the hamper. 227 00:07:29,329 --> 00:07:30,914 I'll go get it. 228 00:07:32,082 --> 00:07:35,168 [Spin Doctors' "Two Princes"] 229 00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:42,175 * * 230 00:07:54,104 --> 00:07:55,939 - Blaire! 231 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:57,816 Oh, my God. - You look so good. 232 00:07:57,857 --> 00:07:58,942 - You look so good. 233 00:07:58,983 --> 00:08:00,110 - Oh, you guys look amazing. 234 00:08:00,151 --> 00:08:01,319 - You look amazing. - Stunning. 235 00:08:01,361 --> 00:08:02,487 - This is Ted. 236 00:08:02,529 --> 00:08:03,697 Ted, you know Sarah. 237 00:08:03,738 --> 00:08:05,073 And this is Paige. - Hey. 238 00:08:05,115 --> 00:08:06,574 - Hey, Ted. How's it going? 239 00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:07,701 - Hey, how are you? 240 00:08:07,742 --> 00:08:09,077 - What's your costume? 241 00:08:09,119 --> 00:08:10,161 - Are you a caveman? 242 00:08:10,203 --> 00:08:12,497 - You ever see "Return of the Jedi"? 243 00:08:12,539 --> 00:08:14,541 It was kind of a small independent film, 244 00:08:14,582 --> 00:08:16,000 mostly Israeli financed. 245 00:08:16,042 --> 00:08:17,961 - Yeah, I don't date men, so I don't need to learn this. 246 00:08:18,002 --> 00:08:20,505 - Well, come on, we need to get you guys wasted. 247 00:08:20,547 --> 00:08:24,300 - Yes, yes for me, but Ted here is my designated driver. 248 00:08:24,342 --> 00:08:25,802 - Yeah, I'm the guy that gets to listen 249 00:08:25,844 --> 00:08:27,345 to the Spin Doctors sober. 250 00:08:27,387 --> 00:08:29,556 - That sucks. Come on. 251 00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:31,349 - [sighs] 252 00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:32,517 - Hey. 253 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:33,768 Want a drink? 254 00:08:33,810 --> 00:08:35,103 - I can't, I'm driving. 255 00:08:35,145 --> 00:08:36,438 - Oh, too bad. 256 00:08:36,479 --> 00:08:39,399 I always wanted to do a shot with a teddy bear. 257 00:08:39,441 --> 00:08:41,735 - Fuck it, I'm not driving yet. 258 00:08:43,194 --> 00:08:45,363 [hip-hop music] 259 00:08:45,405 --> 00:08:48,074 - I always wanted to smoke weed with a teddy bear. 260 00:08:48,116 --> 00:08:49,743 - Sign me up. 261 00:08:49,784 --> 00:08:53,371 * * 262 00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:57,208 - I always wanted to snort my ADHD meds with a teddy bear. 263 00:08:57,250 --> 00:09:00,211 - If that's a cry for help, you got the wrong guy. 264 00:09:00,253 --> 00:09:01,212 Yeah! 265 00:09:01,254 --> 00:09:03,256 [cheering] 266 00:09:03,298 --> 00:09:05,717 - All righty, kids. 267 00:09:05,759 --> 00:09:08,511 You take care now, and happy Halloween. 268 00:09:08,553 --> 00:09:09,763 - Say thank you, kids. 269 00:09:09,804 --> 00:09:10,889 - Thank you. 270 00:09:10,930 --> 00:09:12,390 - Oh, you're welcome. 271 00:09:12,432 --> 00:09:14,809 And be careful of the razor blades, all right? 272 00:09:14,851 --> 00:09:17,604 They're everywhere. 273 00:09:17,645 --> 00:09:18,646 Matty. 274 00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:19,647 - Get the bacitracin. 275 00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,149 - The bacitra-- why? 276 00:09:21,191 --> 00:09:22,442 - An ostrich bit me. 277 00:09:22,484 --> 00:09:24,444 - A what? - A goddamn ostrich! 278 00:09:24,486 --> 00:09:27,447 I was installing a fence for a guy over in Boxford. 279 00:09:27,489 --> 00:09:29,616 And he keeps ostriches, doesn't want them getting 280 00:09:29,657 --> 00:09:31,242 past the property line. 281 00:09:31,284 --> 00:09:33,078 And one of them bit me on the fucking ass! 282 00:09:33,119 --> 00:09:36,373 - Wow, I've never seen an ostrich in person before. 283 00:09:36,414 --> 00:09:38,625 Your job is so interesting. 284 00:09:38,666 --> 00:09:40,585 - Susan, will you help me out here? 285 00:09:40,627 --> 00:09:42,170 - I'll get the bacitracin. 286 00:09:42,212 --> 00:09:45,131 - Yeah, and maybe we call a moratorium 287 00:09:45,173 --> 00:09:47,842 on you sticking Fig Newtons in my pocket wrapped 288 00:09:47,884 --> 00:09:49,886 in a little goddamn note! 289 00:09:52,597 --> 00:09:54,683 - [sighs] 290 00:10:08,655 --> 00:10:10,824 Hey, Mom, do we have any more chip-- 291 00:10:12,826 --> 00:10:15,286 - Take a long look, Johnny. 292 00:10:15,328 --> 00:10:17,664 This is what life is. 293 00:10:20,792 --> 00:10:23,503 [chatter] 294 00:10:23,545 --> 00:10:25,588 - Cheers, fucksticks. - Whoo! 295 00:10:25,630 --> 00:10:27,340 [hip-hop music] 296 00:10:27,382 --> 00:10:28,633 - Ah. 297 00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:30,552 Hey, you guys want to see something terrifying? 298 00:10:30,593 --> 00:10:31,594 Watch this. 299 00:10:31,636 --> 00:10:33,346 Everybody wave your arms! 300 00:10:33,388 --> 00:10:35,390 [cheering] 301 00:10:35,432 --> 00:10:37,100 Everybody jump in the air! 302 00:10:37,142 --> 00:10:38,727 [cheering] 303 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,353 Let's invade Poland! 304 00:10:40,395 --> 00:10:42,647 [cheering] 305 00:10:42,689 --> 00:10:45,275 See that? That's the Milgram experiment. 306 00:10:45,316 --> 00:10:47,527 That's how it starts, with dancing. 307 00:10:47,569 --> 00:10:49,446 The dad from "Footloose" was right. 308 00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,073 Oh, shit! 309 00:10:52,115 --> 00:10:54,075 It's 8:30. 310 00:10:54,117 --> 00:10:55,493 Blaire, Blaire, it's 8:30. 311 00:10:55,535 --> 00:10:56,911 We got to go. 312 00:10:56,953 --> 00:11:00,123 - God, I never noticed how beautiful your hair is. 313 00:11:00,165 --> 00:11:02,375 Does it just naturally dry like that? 314 00:11:02,417 --> 00:11:03,626 - Shut the fuck up. 315 00:11:03,668 --> 00:11:05,336 Your hair's the beautiful hair. 316 00:11:05,378 --> 00:11:06,546 - Wait a minute, are-- 317 00:11:06,588 --> 00:11:07,756 are you drunk? 318 00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,215 - I'm just a little-- it's sort of. 319 00:11:09,257 --> 00:11:11,343 It's fine. - You're fucking drunk! 320 00:11:11,384 --> 00:11:12,344 - Well, so are you. 321 00:11:12,385 --> 00:11:14,304 - Yeah, well, that was the plan. 322 00:11:14,346 --> 00:11:16,222 [sighs] Sorry. 323 00:11:16,264 --> 00:11:18,183 * * 324 00:11:18,224 --> 00:11:19,851 How the hell are we supposed to get home? 325 00:11:19,893 --> 00:11:21,436 You're completely fucked up. 326 00:11:21,478 --> 00:11:22,854 - It's a straight shot. 327 00:11:22,896 --> 00:11:25,815 You take the Neponset Circle, to 93 South, to 90 West, 328 00:11:25,857 --> 00:11:27,942 to 495 North, and you just do that U-turn 329 00:11:27,984 --> 00:11:29,152 at the light in front of the police station, 330 00:11:29,194 --> 00:11:30,445 and you're home. 331 00:11:30,487 --> 00:11:31,946 - Yeah, no, I'm not getting in a car with you. 332 00:11:31,988 --> 00:11:33,365 - Look, what's done is done. 333 00:11:33,406 --> 00:11:35,200 But we both promised Johnny we'd get me back 334 00:11:35,241 --> 00:11:36,534 in time for egging, all right? 335 00:11:36,576 --> 00:11:37,827 I'm fine to drive. 336 00:11:37,869 --> 00:11:39,621 - You're not driving my car drunk, OK? 337 00:11:39,662 --> 00:11:40,830 It's-- it's my car. 338 00:11:40,872 --> 00:11:41,915 I should be the drunk driver. 339 00:11:41,956 --> 00:11:43,208 - All right, fair enough. 340 00:11:43,249 --> 00:11:45,251 I'll help by screaming out things I see. 341 00:11:53,385 --> 00:11:55,053 - Hey, Blaire. 342 00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:57,305 - Professor Damon, hi. 343 00:11:57,347 --> 00:11:58,932 - Who's this now? - How are you? 344 00:11:58,973 --> 00:12:00,850 - Good, good. 345 00:12:00,892 --> 00:12:01,893 Feeling sharp. 346 00:12:01,935 --> 00:12:02,977 - Feeling sharp? 347 00:12:03,019 --> 00:12:04,020 - Shut the fuck up. 348 00:12:04,062 --> 00:12:05,855 - I love the Batman costume. 349 00:12:05,897 --> 00:12:07,482 - Oh, thanks. 350 00:12:07,524 --> 00:12:09,484 - And who's Lawrence of Arabia here? 351 00:12:09,526 --> 00:12:11,194 - Ted, talking teddy bear, hi. 352 00:12:11,236 --> 00:12:13,363 - Oh, Ted. Yes, of course. 353 00:12:13,405 --> 00:12:15,073 I remember your story very well. 354 00:12:15,115 --> 00:12:16,157 - Yeah. Well, it's nice meeting you. 355 00:12:16,199 --> 00:12:17,283 Come on. Let's go, Blaire. 356 00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:19,035 - You in a rush? 357 00:12:19,077 --> 00:12:20,328 Why don't you come up to the house for a minute? 358 00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:21,705 There's something I'd like to talk to you about. 359 00:12:21,746 --> 00:12:23,123 I just went to the store. 360 00:12:23,164 --> 00:12:25,041 I could whip us up a little caprese salad. 361 00:12:25,083 --> 00:12:26,584 - Yeah, yeah, sure. 362 00:12:26,626 --> 00:12:28,461 I love salad. 363 00:12:28,503 --> 00:12:29,754 - Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, hang on. 364 00:12:29,796 --> 00:12:31,339 - Oh, you're invited too, Ted. 365 00:12:31,381 --> 00:12:32,382 See you in a few? 366 00:12:32,424 --> 00:12:33,550 - Awesome, yeah. 367 00:12:33,591 --> 00:12:35,802 See you in a few. - OK. 368 00:12:36,761 --> 00:12:37,929 - You buttnut! 369 00:12:37,971 --> 00:12:39,723 I promised Johnny I'd be home by 9:00. 370 00:12:39,764 --> 00:12:41,683 - You clearly don't know who that is. 371 00:12:41,725 --> 00:12:44,436 - Yeah, a guy in his 50s riding a moped, fucking winner. 372 00:12:44,477 --> 00:12:47,105 - That is Lucas Damon, my English lit professor. 373 00:12:47,147 --> 00:12:49,357 The Lucas Damon who also happens to be 374 00:12:49,399 --> 00:12:51,609 a "New York Times" best-selling novelist. 375 00:12:51,651 --> 00:12:53,987 - Yeah, was the novel about a guy who couldn't afford a car? 376 00:12:54,029 --> 00:12:55,113 - [mockingly] Was the guy-- 377 00:12:55,155 --> 00:12:57,115 no, he's looking for a student research 378 00:12:57,157 --> 00:12:58,366 assistant for his next book. 379 00:12:58,408 --> 00:13:00,618 Literally everybody wants this job. 380 00:13:00,660 --> 00:13:02,120 - "I love salad." 381 00:13:02,162 --> 00:13:04,122 See, I knew you were lying. Nobody loves salad. 382 00:13:04,164 --> 00:13:06,249 - I do. I really love salad. 383 00:13:06,291 --> 00:13:08,710 - Not one person on this planet loves salad. 384 00:13:08,752 --> 00:13:10,253 - I do. - You're on death row. 385 00:13:10,295 --> 00:13:12,422 Your last meal, you can have a steak or a salad. 386 00:13:12,464 --> 00:13:14,215 - I'm going to choose a salad. - Fuck you! 387 00:13:14,257 --> 00:13:15,300 You're getting a steak. 388 00:13:15,342 --> 00:13:17,135 After what you did to that family-- 389 00:13:17,177 --> 00:13:19,137 the baby's ear was on the ceiling! 390 00:13:19,179 --> 00:13:20,805 I've been doing this job 20 years. 391 00:13:20,847 --> 00:13:22,432 I never seen anything so horrible. 392 00:13:22,474 --> 00:13:24,309 - What? - Oh, Christ, I'm fucked up. 393 00:13:24,351 --> 00:13:26,311 Yeah, it's good you're driving. - Eh. 394 00:13:33,109 --> 00:13:35,487 - My latest work is a piece of historical fiction 395 00:13:35,528 --> 00:13:39,240 that examines race and class in 19th century New England. 396 00:13:39,282 --> 00:13:41,743 - Wow, that sounds incredible. 397 00:13:41,785 --> 00:13:43,244 Hey, great salad, by the way. 398 00:13:43,286 --> 00:13:45,372 I love that there are no croutons. 399 00:13:45,413 --> 00:13:49,167 - It explores the balance between sociopolitical change 400 00:13:49,209 --> 00:13:51,169 and personal relationships as seen 401 00:13:51,211 --> 00:13:53,171 through the eyes of a labor organizer 402 00:13:53,213 --> 00:13:54,506 in Martha's Vineyard. 403 00:13:54,547 --> 00:13:57,133 There's a plot twist that will shock you. 404 00:13:57,175 --> 00:13:59,511 - Hey, can I maybe have a different can of Schweppes 405 00:13:59,552 --> 00:14:01,262 that's not 85 degrees? 406 00:14:01,304 --> 00:14:05,100 - You know, John Irving always starts a novel 407 00:14:05,141 --> 00:14:08,353 with the last sentence. 408 00:14:08,395 --> 00:14:11,022 I like to start with the second to last. 409 00:14:11,064 --> 00:14:12,524 Would you like to hear it? 410 00:14:12,565 --> 00:14:13,817 - Absolutely. 411 00:14:13,858 --> 00:14:15,568 - [clears throat] 412 00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:17,404 The horizon wept 413 00:14:17,445 --> 00:14:20,240 as Clara's undraped mortal frame 414 00:14:20,281 --> 00:14:22,701 joined the coiled multitudes, 415 00:14:22,742 --> 00:14:24,703 elation, revolution, 416 00:14:24,744 --> 00:14:27,080 a taste of bitter blood. 417 00:14:28,540 --> 00:14:29,874 - It's brilliant. 418 00:14:29,916 --> 00:14:32,043 It evokes the best of James Joyce 419 00:14:32,085 --> 00:14:35,338 without feeling derivative or overly aureate. 420 00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:37,382 - Hey, how'd you get inside my head? 421 00:14:37,424 --> 00:14:38,883 [laughter] 422 00:14:38,925 --> 00:14:40,468 I'll freshen our drinks. 423 00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:43,972 Ted, I'm sure Blaire has warned you, I'm the fun professor. 424 00:14:44,014 --> 00:14:45,306 - OK. 425 00:14:46,725 --> 00:14:48,059 Jesus fucking Christ. 426 00:14:48,101 --> 00:14:49,769 Are you shitting me? - What? 427 00:14:49,811 --> 00:14:50,812 - What do you mean, what? 428 00:14:50,854 --> 00:14:52,230 We're sitting here wasting time 429 00:14:52,272 --> 00:14:53,606 because this fucking horndog just wants to bang you. 430 00:14:53,648 --> 00:14:55,108 - Excuse me. 431 00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:56,192 Where the hell are you getting that? 432 00:14:56,234 --> 00:14:58,153 - Oh, my God, Blaire, it's so obvious. 433 00:14:58,194 --> 00:15:00,071 He invites you to his place, he gets you drunk-- 434 00:15:00,113 --> 00:15:01,364 - OK, I'm not drunk. 435 00:15:01,406 --> 00:15:02,449 - What are you talking about? 436 00:15:02,490 --> 00:15:03,908 "I love that there are no croutons." 437 00:15:03,950 --> 00:15:05,326 - Yeah, it's called being polite. 438 00:15:05,368 --> 00:15:06,453 - When did you become-- - You should fucking try it. 439 00:15:06,494 --> 00:15:07,662 - --anti crouton just for this buttnut? 440 00:15:07,704 --> 00:15:08,997 - I'm trying to make fucking conversation. 441 00:15:09,039 --> 00:15:10,415 - And by the way, I'm guessing this is 442 00:15:10,457 --> 00:15:12,542 the first time he's seen you dressed like this, 443 00:15:12,584 --> 00:15:14,335 as opposed to your usual fashion, 444 00:15:14,377 --> 00:15:16,379 which is basically Melissa Ethridge at a flea market. 445 00:15:16,421 --> 00:15:18,131 - I know when I'm being hit on, OK? 446 00:15:18,173 --> 00:15:19,632 I have seven uncles. - You know what else? 447 00:15:19,674 --> 00:15:21,259 I'm just going to say it, that salad tastes 448 00:15:21,301 --> 00:15:22,927 like Dustin Hoffman's balls. 449 00:15:22,969 --> 00:15:24,387 - Here we go, more wine. 450 00:15:24,429 --> 00:15:28,099 Or should we be naughty and start on the cognac? 451 00:15:28,141 --> 00:15:29,392 - Yeah. Listen, we got to go. 452 00:15:29,434 --> 00:15:31,728 I got to take medicine for my diabetes. 453 00:15:31,770 --> 00:15:33,772 - Oh, I'm so sorry. You have diabetes? 454 00:15:33,813 --> 00:15:34,939 - Oh, yeah, real bad. 455 00:15:34,981 --> 00:15:37,609 - Oh. Type 1 or 2? 456 00:15:37,650 --> 00:15:40,487 - Well, it started with just one diabete. 457 00:15:40,528 --> 00:15:41,946 And then, you know, left unchecked-- 458 00:15:41,988 --> 00:15:44,240 - I completely understand. 459 00:15:44,282 --> 00:15:47,452 Diabetes killed my mother and my older sister. 460 00:15:47,494 --> 00:15:48,870 - Great, thanks for having us. Come on, Blaire. 461 00:15:48,912 --> 00:15:49,996 Let's get the fuck out of here, huh? 462 00:15:50,038 --> 00:15:51,122 - Pleasure. 463 00:15:51,164 --> 00:15:52,499 As Borges said, 464 00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:54,751 "With every goodbye, you learn." 465 00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:56,294 - As Steinbeck said, 466 00:15:56,336 --> 00:15:59,297 "Farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance. 467 00:15:59,339 --> 00:16:01,049 Goodbye is short and final." 468 00:16:01,091 --> 00:16:03,593 - As Hemingway said, "I wonder what this gun tastes like." 469 00:16:03,635 --> 00:16:05,637 All right, come on. Let's go, huh? 470 00:16:05,679 --> 00:16:08,640 [upbeat music] 471 00:16:08,682 --> 00:16:10,100 * * 472 00:16:10,141 --> 00:16:14,145 - Oh, Johnny, you still look so sad. 473 00:16:14,187 --> 00:16:16,064 - It's after 9:00. 474 00:16:16,106 --> 00:16:17,982 Ted promised to be back by now. 475 00:16:18,024 --> 00:16:20,026 - Oh, I'm sorry, honey. 476 00:16:20,068 --> 00:16:21,736 Well, if you want, you can help me clean 477 00:16:21,778 --> 00:16:23,488 your father's ostrich bite. 478 00:16:23,530 --> 00:16:24,739 - Seriously? 479 00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:26,950 That's-- that's your best offer, Dad's ass? 480 00:16:26,991 --> 00:16:28,451 - Oh. 481 00:16:28,493 --> 00:16:30,870 Well, what if you invited a friend over? 482 00:16:30,912 --> 00:16:33,373 - In case you haven't noticed, Ted's my only friend. 483 00:16:33,415 --> 00:16:36,251 - That lovely new woman from church, Carol, 484 00:16:36,292 --> 00:16:37,794 said she has a son. 485 00:16:37,836 --> 00:16:39,629 I think he's about your age. 486 00:16:39,671 --> 00:16:41,047 - I don't care. 487 00:16:41,089 --> 00:16:45,176 - He's probably growing into his body just like you. 488 00:16:45,218 --> 00:16:46,803 Should I invite him over? 489 00:16:46,845 --> 00:16:48,471 - What the fuck? No. 490 00:16:48,513 --> 00:16:50,557 - I think I'll call Carol. 491 00:16:52,475 --> 00:16:53,768 - Why? 492 00:16:53,810 --> 00:16:55,895 - Susan, the gauze came off. 493 00:16:55,937 --> 00:16:57,063 It's leaking again. 494 00:16:57,105 --> 00:16:58,732 Susan. 495 00:16:58,773 --> 00:17:01,359 Johnny, meet me in the bathroom with a T-shirt you don't wear. 496 00:17:01,401 --> 00:17:03,528 Nothing with a decal! 497 00:17:05,321 --> 00:17:10,201 * * 498 00:17:10,243 --> 00:17:12,203 - Oh, my God. Can you fucking watch the road? 499 00:17:12,245 --> 00:17:13,705 That was a red light. - I see it. 500 00:17:13,747 --> 00:17:16,416 I just-- I choose not to let it define me. 501 00:17:16,458 --> 00:17:17,876 - Pull over. I'm going to drive. 502 00:17:17,917 --> 00:17:19,169 - Fuck that. 503 00:17:19,210 --> 00:17:20,503 You're the one who was chugging wine 504 00:17:20,545 --> 00:17:23,173 with that professor of cliterature. 505 00:17:23,214 --> 00:17:24,966 You know, like-- like literature, but like-- 506 00:17:25,008 --> 00:17:26,092 - Yeah, no. - With like, a clitoris. 507 00:17:26,134 --> 00:17:27,218 - I know what you mean. - All right. 508 00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:28,970 Just checking, God. Jesus Christ. 509 00:17:29,012 --> 00:17:30,972 - Yeah, and you're a fucking moron, by the way. 510 00:17:31,014 --> 00:17:32,015 You know that? - I'm a moron? 511 00:17:32,057 --> 00:17:33,183 Why am I a moron? 512 00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:34,267 - That man is a brilliant writer. 513 00:17:34,309 --> 00:17:35,643 And what are you? 514 00:17:35,685 --> 00:17:37,145 A deadbeat teddy bear with a drug problem. 515 00:17:37,187 --> 00:17:39,064 - Hey, at least I have a drug problem. 516 00:17:39,105 --> 00:17:40,398 Wait, what? Sorry. 517 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:41,733 Fuck. I'm really fucked up, man. 518 00:17:41,775 --> 00:17:43,693 - Great, well, you know, maybe then you can 519 00:17:43,735 --> 00:17:45,362 acknowledge the fact that you have no idea 520 00:17:45,403 --> 00:17:46,571 what you're talking about. 521 00:17:46,613 --> 00:17:47,739 - Look, will you just shut up and drive? 522 00:17:47,781 --> 00:17:48,823 - You're driving! 523 00:17:48,865 --> 00:17:50,158 [horns blaring] 524 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,951 Oh, fuck! 525 00:17:51,993 --> 00:17:55,121 [tires screeching] 526 00:18:02,295 --> 00:18:04,631 - OK, that was a red light. 527 00:18:11,012 --> 00:18:12,806 - Hey, honey, I'm home. 528 00:18:12,847 --> 00:18:13,848 [growls] 529 00:18:13,890 --> 00:18:15,058 - Ow! 530 00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,435 I told you to get the salted crackers. 531 00:18:17,477 --> 00:18:20,313 - Johnny, come on downstairs! 532 00:18:21,147 --> 00:18:24,275 - Oh! [laughter] 533 00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:30,740 - John, this is Will, the boy I was telling you about. 534 00:18:30,782 --> 00:18:32,450 - Yo, yo, yo. 535 00:18:32,492 --> 00:18:36,454 - Will's also looking for something to do on Halloween. 536 00:18:36,496 --> 00:18:38,665 - Oh. - John needs a friend tonight. 537 00:18:38,707 --> 00:18:42,210 He's upset because his teddy bear's not here. 538 00:18:42,252 --> 00:18:43,628 - That's cool, man. 539 00:18:43,670 --> 00:18:46,089 Wow, this place is like a mansion. 540 00:18:46,131 --> 00:18:48,883 - I'm going to go make you boys some spooky cookies. 541 00:18:48,925 --> 00:18:50,593 - Oh. - Boo. 542 00:18:50,635 --> 00:18:53,763 - [laughs] I'll take a lamb chop, though. 543 00:18:53,805 --> 00:18:55,348 If you got one, just get it going. 544 00:18:55,390 --> 00:18:56,516 I'll take it. 545 00:18:56,558 --> 00:18:59,310 It's-- so what do you wanna do? 546 00:18:59,352 --> 00:19:00,687 - How old are you? 547 00:19:00,729 --> 00:19:01,938 - 38. 548 00:19:01,980 --> 00:19:03,398 I live with my mom by choice. 549 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,734 - Uh-huh. - A little bit about myself. 550 00:19:05,775 --> 00:19:08,737 I work in quality control at General Mills. 551 00:19:08,778 --> 00:19:10,822 I inspect every batch of breakfast cereal. 552 00:19:10,864 --> 00:19:13,992 I'm the last line of defense between your mouth 553 00:19:14,034 --> 00:19:15,618 and rat feces. 554 00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:17,328 - I-- I hope you're good at your job. 555 00:19:17,370 --> 00:19:19,748 - I'm not. Stop eating cereal. 556 00:19:19,789 --> 00:19:22,042 What else is there? 557 00:19:22,083 --> 00:19:24,002 I own every Steely Dan album. 558 00:19:24,044 --> 00:19:25,587 I'm an expert dungeon master. 559 00:19:25,628 --> 00:19:27,630 I dabble in animal husbandry. 560 00:19:27,672 --> 00:19:30,091 I guess what I'm trying to say, Johnny, 561 00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:34,012 is you can have it all. 562 00:19:34,054 --> 00:19:36,014 You want a Zima? 563 00:19:36,056 --> 00:19:37,432 - A Zi-- no, I'm good. 564 00:19:37,474 --> 00:19:38,892 - You want to look at some porn? 565 00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:40,101 - You got porn? 566 00:19:40,143 --> 00:19:41,519 - Fuck yeah, I got porn. 567 00:19:41,561 --> 00:19:43,396 Here, check this out. 568 00:19:46,858 --> 00:19:47,901 - These are drawings. 569 00:19:47,942 --> 00:19:49,444 - Yeah. 570 00:19:50,862 --> 00:19:53,865 - This is-- this is porn that you drew. 571 00:19:53,907 --> 00:19:56,534 - Yeah, my mom won't let me look at the real stuff 572 00:19:56,576 --> 00:19:58,870 because of the cigarette ads, so... 573 00:19:59,662 --> 00:20:02,248 - Why-- why are they all-- - Oh, I can't do hands. 574 00:20:02,290 --> 00:20:03,917 - Oh. - So... 575 00:20:05,043 --> 00:20:06,378 You know what the weirdest part is, man? 576 00:20:06,419 --> 00:20:08,922 Now when a girl has hands, I hate it. 577 00:20:11,049 --> 00:20:13,385 - Is that Winona Ryder fucking Lion-O? 578 00:20:13,426 --> 00:20:15,011 - That is Winona Ryder fuck-- yeah. 579 00:20:15,053 --> 00:20:16,596 I gave her a ton of bush. 580 00:20:16,638 --> 00:20:18,598 I doubt she has that much bush in real life, 581 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,850 but that's the beauty of art, right? 582 00:20:20,892 --> 00:20:22,560 It can be anything we imagine it to be. 583 00:20:22,602 --> 00:20:24,729 - His dick is a sword. 584 00:20:24,771 --> 00:20:26,940 - You'll never guess what his sword is. 585 00:20:28,274 --> 00:20:29,526 - Is it a dick? - A dick. 586 00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:31,903 - Yeah. - It's a dick. 587 00:20:31,945 --> 00:20:33,738 This one gets me so good. 588 00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:35,949 Do you ever look at one that gets you good? 589 00:20:35,990 --> 00:20:38,368 - Not a drawing, but not-- 590 00:20:38,410 --> 00:20:39,744 not before this. 591 00:20:39,786 --> 00:20:40,995 - Then you're not doing it right. 592 00:20:41,037 --> 00:20:43,289 - Oh. - Give them back. 593 00:20:44,582 --> 00:20:47,627 - Oh, I can't fucking believe you just did that! 594 00:20:47,669 --> 00:20:49,713 I'm not even halfway done with payments on this car. 595 00:20:49,754 --> 00:20:51,673 - Jesus, you paid for this car? 596 00:20:51,715 --> 00:20:53,675 - Oh, shut up. It's a great car. 597 00:20:53,717 --> 00:20:55,760 - Oh, my God, Blaire, there's a kid in the grill! 598 00:20:55,802 --> 00:20:57,470 - What? - I'm just kidding. 599 00:20:57,512 --> 00:20:58,555 Look at your face. 600 00:20:58,596 --> 00:21:00,015 - Motherfucker! 601 00:21:00,056 --> 00:21:02,434 - Yeah, but see, now real life ain't so bad, right? 602 00:21:02,475 --> 00:21:04,144 - No, no, we gotta get this thing 603 00:21:04,185 --> 00:21:05,437 towed before the cops show up. 604 00:21:05,478 --> 00:21:07,605 - Oh, because we've been drinking. 605 00:21:07,647 --> 00:21:09,691 - Yes, Isaac Newton, because we've been fucking drinking. 606 00:21:09,733 --> 00:21:10,942 - Well, wait a minute, why don't we 607 00:21:10,984 --> 00:21:12,402 just tell the cops that we started 608 00:21:12,444 --> 00:21:13,820 drinking after we crashed? 609 00:21:13,862 --> 00:21:15,280 Right, we were so pissed about the crash, 610 00:21:15,321 --> 00:21:16,865 that we had nine beers. 611 00:21:16,906 --> 00:21:18,616 - You know, that's actually a great idea. 612 00:21:18,658 --> 00:21:19,784 - Really? - Yeah. 613 00:21:19,826 --> 00:21:21,453 I think you just solved drunk driving. 614 00:21:21,494 --> 00:21:23,538 - I did, didn't I? - No, you dipshit. 615 00:21:23,580 --> 00:21:25,331 We gotta go find a phone. 616 00:21:32,088 --> 00:21:33,465 - Well, what'd they say? 617 00:21:33,506 --> 00:21:35,967 - Uh, they said phone is for employees only. 618 00:21:36,009 --> 00:21:39,304 Also, get the fuck out of the kitchen, you drunk. 619 00:21:39,346 --> 00:21:40,472 - Shit. - Yeah. 620 00:21:40,513 --> 00:21:42,349 Here, I stole you an apple pie. 621 00:21:42,390 --> 00:21:44,768 - Oh, thanks. - Mm-hmm. 622 00:21:46,186 --> 00:21:47,437 - Well, you know, I don't know why 623 00:21:47,479 --> 00:21:49,189 I always think you're not white trash 624 00:21:49,230 --> 00:21:50,273 like the rest of the family. 625 00:21:50,315 --> 00:21:51,483 - Fuck you. 626 00:21:51,524 --> 00:21:52,567 - Because you are. 627 00:21:52,609 --> 00:21:54,235 - OK, just eat it. 628 00:21:54,277 --> 00:21:56,780 - Careful, McDonald's apple pies are always a little hot. 629 00:21:57,781 --> 00:21:59,824 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - Ah, God! 630 00:21:59,866 --> 00:22:01,534 - Why the fuck do they do that? - Ah, God! 631 00:22:01,576 --> 00:22:02,869 I don't know. 632 00:22:02,911 --> 00:22:05,455 [both panting] 633 00:22:06,956 --> 00:22:09,042 It's probably cooled off by now, though. 634 00:22:09,084 --> 00:22:10,251 Oh, goddammit! 635 00:22:10,293 --> 00:22:12,379 Oh! 636 00:22:15,173 --> 00:22:17,550 This fucking goddamn night. 637 00:22:22,263 --> 00:22:25,183 [upbeat music] 638 00:22:25,225 --> 00:22:28,228 * * 639 00:22:28,269 --> 00:22:29,813 - Maybe we can call a cab. 640 00:22:29,854 --> 00:22:32,732 - I don't have any cash, and you don't have any pockets. 641 00:22:32,774 --> 00:22:35,568 We've got to find a payphone and call home. 642 00:22:35,610 --> 00:22:38,154 [phone rings] 643 00:22:38,196 --> 00:22:39,698 - Hello? 644 00:22:39,739 --> 00:22:40,907 - Will you accept a collect call from this-- 645 00:22:40,949 --> 00:22:42,826 - No. 646 00:22:42,867 --> 00:22:45,036 - Shit. 647 00:22:45,078 --> 00:22:46,246 Oh. 648 00:22:46,287 --> 00:22:49,541 All right, just let me think for a second. 649 00:22:49,582 --> 00:22:51,918 OK, look, we're not too far from campus. 650 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,587 Why don't we just walk back and use Damon's phone? 651 00:22:54,629 --> 00:22:55,672 - That pervert? 652 00:22:55,714 --> 00:22:57,173 - What? - Fuck no. 653 00:22:57,215 --> 00:22:58,425 - Why not? I mean-- 654 00:22:58,466 --> 00:22:59,801 - Because he's probably back there right now 655 00:22:59,843 --> 00:23:02,178 boiling the cushion you sat on to make soup stock. 656 00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:03,722 - Well, you want to get home in time or not? 657 00:23:03,763 --> 00:23:05,390 - Blaire, I know you don't see it, OK, 658 00:23:05,432 --> 00:23:06,558 but I don't trust that guy. 659 00:23:06,599 --> 00:23:08,393 - Oh, my God. - I don't trust him. 660 00:23:08,435 --> 00:23:10,937 I think he's got one thing on his mind, filthy doings. 661 00:23:10,979 --> 00:23:14,149 - OK, look, I get your concern for me, or whatever, 662 00:23:14,190 --> 00:23:15,567 but I'm an adult, OK? 663 00:23:15,608 --> 00:23:16,943 I can take care of myself. 664 00:23:16,985 --> 00:23:18,903 - Blaire, have you ever seen an old man penis? 665 00:23:18,945 --> 00:23:21,656 It's like a melted pint of coffee ice cream. 666 00:23:21,698 --> 00:23:23,575 There's a sadness to it, almost like it 667 00:23:23,616 --> 00:23:25,076 remembers how it used to look. 668 00:23:25,118 --> 00:23:27,370 I mean, it looks like-- like it's trying to hide, 669 00:23:27,412 --> 00:23:28,580 but it's too tired. 670 00:23:28,621 --> 00:23:29,873 No, no. You know what it looks like? 671 00:23:29,914 --> 00:23:31,458 It looks like Bert Lahr when he took 672 00:23:31,499 --> 00:23:34,169 off the Cowardly Lion suit but he still had the makeup on. 673 00:23:34,210 --> 00:23:36,337 It's-- oh, shit. 674 00:23:36,379 --> 00:23:38,673 What was the last one you heard? 675 00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:43,428 - Let's put on our costumes that we made last night. 676 00:23:43,470 --> 00:23:45,805 OK. 677 00:23:47,474 --> 00:23:50,602 [laughter] 678 00:23:53,730 --> 00:23:56,149 - You like movies? 679 00:23:56,191 --> 00:23:57,609 - Yeah. 680 00:23:57,650 --> 00:24:00,445 - I got a VHS of rodeo deaths we could watch. 681 00:24:00,487 --> 00:24:01,571 - Rodeo deaths? 682 00:24:01,613 --> 00:24:02,947 - Yeah. 683 00:24:02,989 --> 00:24:04,616 You know, there's something about real death. 684 00:24:04,657 --> 00:24:08,620 Just like-- it just turns you on, you know? 685 00:24:08,661 --> 00:24:10,789 Why is that for all of us? 686 00:24:10,830 --> 00:24:13,083 - I-- I honestly can't answer that question. 687 00:24:13,124 --> 00:24:16,461 - [laughs] I'm totally fucking with you. 688 00:24:16,503 --> 00:24:17,837 - Oh. 689 00:24:17,879 --> 00:24:20,006 - Seriously though, I do have the tape. 690 00:24:20,048 --> 00:24:22,926 We could take off our shirts, just watch it together. 691 00:24:24,052 --> 00:24:26,513 - Yeah, yeah. Maybe next time. 692 00:24:26,554 --> 00:24:29,724 - [laughs] I'm fucking with you again. 693 00:24:29,766 --> 00:24:31,476 Oh, my God. You were about to do it. 694 00:24:31,518 --> 00:24:33,520 - No, no, I wasn't. - You were. 695 00:24:33,561 --> 00:24:34,896 Your shirt's like, halfway off already. 696 00:24:34,938 --> 00:24:36,481 - No, it's fucking not. - Nah, it could be though. 697 00:24:36,523 --> 00:24:38,441 We could have it off if we wanted to. 698 00:24:38,483 --> 00:24:40,026 You know what's great? - What? 699 00:24:40,068 --> 00:24:41,736 - Crack. - Ah. 700 00:24:41,778 --> 00:24:42,862 - You know how, like, someone's like, 701 00:24:42,904 --> 00:24:43,988 oh, I like chocolate cake. 702 00:24:44,030 --> 00:24:45,824 It's so good, it's like crack. 703 00:24:46,908 --> 00:24:48,660 This is actually crack. 704 00:24:48,702 --> 00:24:50,245 Gets a lot of bad press. 705 00:24:50,286 --> 00:24:52,789 Gotta tell you, furthest thing from whack. 706 00:24:52,831 --> 00:24:55,166 - Yeah, I'll pass on that. Thanks. 707 00:24:55,208 --> 00:24:56,459 - Oh. 708 00:24:56,501 --> 00:24:58,461 Picking up a little bit of a judgy vibe there. 709 00:24:58,503 --> 00:24:59,462 - Yeah, it's crack. 710 00:24:59,504 --> 00:25:00,672 - Uh, OK. 711 00:25:00,714 --> 00:25:01,965 I bet you have some idiosyncrasies 712 00:25:02,007 --> 00:25:03,508 I might find a little odd. 713 00:25:03,550 --> 00:25:07,178 - I don't think crack, like, counts as an idiosyncrasy. 714 00:25:07,220 --> 00:25:08,680 - Can I use your phone? 715 00:25:08,722 --> 00:25:10,306 - Yeah, yeah, there's one right over there. 716 00:25:10,348 --> 00:25:12,017 - Yeah, so I just want to sleep in tomorrow, 717 00:25:12,058 --> 00:25:14,769 so I'm just going to call in a bomb scare to my office. 718 00:25:16,771 --> 00:25:23,903 * * 719 00:25:24,696 --> 00:25:26,573 [doorbell rings] 720 00:25:29,743 --> 00:25:31,244 - Well, look who's back. 721 00:25:31,286 --> 00:25:32,620 - Us again. 722 00:25:32,662 --> 00:25:34,748 - Hey, is it Halloween or is it Christmas? 723 00:25:34,789 --> 00:25:35,957 - [chuckles drily] 724 00:25:35,999 --> 00:25:38,084 - Come on in. - Thank you. 725 00:25:41,421 --> 00:25:42,797 - Phone's still busy. 726 00:25:42,839 --> 00:25:44,215 What the fuck is going on over there? 727 00:25:44,257 --> 00:25:46,551 Johnny's probably freaking out wondering where I am. 728 00:25:46,593 --> 00:25:48,720 - Professor Damon, we're so sorry 729 00:25:48,762 --> 00:25:50,055 to inconvenience you like this. 730 00:25:50,096 --> 00:25:52,766 - Not at all. I'm happy for the company. 731 00:25:52,807 --> 00:25:54,601 Say, as long as I've got you here, 732 00:25:54,642 --> 00:25:55,894 there's something I'd like to show you. 733 00:25:55,935 --> 00:25:57,187 - Oh, God. Here it comes. 734 00:25:57,228 --> 00:25:58,938 Just stare at the balls. It'll be better that way. 735 00:25:58,980 --> 00:26:03,735 - It's the opening chapter of my next book. 736 00:26:03,777 --> 00:26:06,404 Just finished it yesterday. 737 00:26:06,446 --> 00:26:08,114 Would you like to read it? 738 00:26:08,156 --> 00:26:10,575 - Oh, my God. I'd be honored. 739 00:26:10,617 --> 00:26:11,743 - Fabulous. 740 00:26:11,785 --> 00:26:13,370 Don't let the typos throw you. 741 00:26:13,411 --> 00:26:15,246 He's a dyslexic narrator. 742 00:26:15,288 --> 00:26:17,082 Ted, why don't you and I play some 743 00:26:17,123 --> 00:26:20,960 billiards while I nervously await Blaire's verdict? 744 00:26:24,255 --> 00:26:25,715 - [mouthing words] 745 00:26:31,554 --> 00:26:33,056 - Welcome to my billiard room. 746 00:26:33,098 --> 00:26:35,475 - All right, buddy, you and me got to have a little talk. 747 00:26:35,517 --> 00:26:36,726 - I'd love to. 748 00:26:36,768 --> 00:26:38,603 How about I freshen your drink first? 749 00:26:38,645 --> 00:26:40,772 - Fine. 750 00:27:11,344 --> 00:27:13,138 Whoops. 751 00:27:15,515 --> 00:27:17,350 - Hello, Ted. 752 00:27:20,395 --> 00:27:25,817 - Uh, what-- what's going on there, buddy? 753 00:27:25,859 --> 00:27:29,237 - I want to make love to you. 754 00:27:29,279 --> 00:27:31,072 - Oh. 755 00:27:31,114 --> 00:27:35,493 - I believe forthright honesty is the only approach when you 756 00:27:35,535 --> 00:27:37,912 have feelings for somebody. 757 00:27:41,416 --> 00:27:42,792 [soft music] 758 00:27:42,834 --> 00:27:44,919 I've been waiting all my life for someone like you. 759 00:27:44,961 --> 00:27:50,008 Your furry curves, your boundless whimsy. 760 00:27:50,050 --> 00:27:52,844 - It-- it has bounds. 761 00:27:52,886 --> 00:27:54,471 - I've been going crazy since you 762 00:27:54,512 --> 00:27:56,723 walked out my door tonight. 763 00:27:56,765 --> 00:28:00,185 I want us to have illicit congress together. 764 00:28:00,226 --> 00:28:03,355 - You know, Blaire is really into you. 765 00:28:03,396 --> 00:28:05,190 - I don't care. 766 00:28:05,231 --> 00:28:06,524 It's you I want. 767 00:28:06,566 --> 00:28:07,984 - Yeah, I-- 768 00:28:08,026 --> 00:28:09,611 I don't date other bears. 769 00:28:09,652 --> 00:28:11,112 - I don't have to be a bear. 770 00:28:11,154 --> 00:28:12,697 I could be a pony if you prefer, 771 00:28:12,739 --> 00:28:16,201 or a bird with colorful plumage and a functioning cloaca. 772 00:28:16,242 --> 00:28:18,828 - Yeah, boy, you know, it just wouldn't work out. 773 00:28:18,870 --> 00:28:20,497 - I don't care what people would think. 774 00:28:20,538 --> 00:28:23,458 If I could take you on my arm to faculty events, 775 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:25,043 I wouldn't be embarrassed. 776 00:28:25,085 --> 00:28:29,047 - Yeah, that's not the holdup for me. 777 00:28:29,089 --> 00:28:31,049 - I see. 778 00:28:31,091 --> 00:28:33,510 So your answer is no. 779 00:28:33,551 --> 00:28:36,429 - Hey, Professor, do you mind if I use your bathr-- 780 00:28:37,764 --> 00:28:39,432 - Blaire. 781 00:28:40,517 --> 00:28:43,937 Any thoughts about the pages you read? 782 00:28:46,147 --> 00:28:48,566 - Great. 783 00:28:48,608 --> 00:28:50,777 Uh, they-- they were great. 784 00:28:50,819 --> 00:28:52,654 - And the homage to Tennyson? 785 00:28:52,696 --> 00:28:54,781 Did that play it all? 786 00:28:54,823 --> 00:28:58,034 - Uh, fine. 787 00:29:01,079 --> 00:29:03,498 - We'll let ourselves out. 788 00:29:07,293 --> 00:29:09,087 - Hey. 789 00:29:09,129 --> 00:29:12,632 You know, if we could just kind of keep this quiet. 790 00:29:12,674 --> 00:29:16,761 I have a reputation as a guy who doesn't do this. 791 00:29:16,803 --> 00:29:18,346 - Sure, of course. 792 00:29:18,388 --> 00:29:21,016 - On one condition, you make Blaire 793 00:29:21,057 --> 00:29:22,934 your research assistant. 794 00:29:22,976 --> 00:29:24,185 - That's OK, Ted. 795 00:29:24,227 --> 00:29:25,437 - No, no. No, no, Blaire, no. 796 00:29:25,478 --> 00:29:27,272 You're wicked smart. You work hard. 797 00:29:27,313 --> 00:29:28,982 You deserve it. - He's right, Blaire. 798 00:29:29,024 --> 00:29:30,442 You've got a great analytical mind. 799 00:29:30,483 --> 00:29:32,694 - I'm going to have to sleep on that. 800 00:29:32,736 --> 00:29:35,780 - Oh, and one more thing, we're going to need your bike. 801 00:29:35,822 --> 00:29:38,742 [upbeat music] 802 00:29:38,783 --> 00:29:44,080 * * 803 00:29:46,583 --> 00:29:48,293 - Oh. Hi, Johnny. 804 00:29:48,334 --> 00:29:51,129 You want to feel some spooky eyeballs? 805 00:29:54,674 --> 00:29:55,967 I'm just kidding. 806 00:29:56,009 --> 00:29:58,470 They're just peeled grapes. 807 00:29:58,511 --> 00:30:00,472 Oh, I'd never really hurt anyone, Johnny. 808 00:30:00,513 --> 00:30:02,599 - Mom, I cannot take this guy anymore. 809 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:03,850 - What's the matter? 810 00:30:03,892 --> 00:30:06,144 - Will, OK? He's-- he's a freak. 811 00:30:06,186 --> 00:30:07,979 He's crazy. Can't you get him to leave? 812 00:30:08,021 --> 00:30:10,148 - Well, he's your friend, Johnny. 813 00:30:10,190 --> 00:30:12,484 If you want him to leave, you'll have to ask him. 814 00:30:12,525 --> 00:30:13,693 - He's not my friend. 815 00:30:13,735 --> 00:30:16,196 You invited him over. Plus, he's like 40. 816 00:30:16,237 --> 00:30:19,032 - Well, I'm 47, and we're friends. 817 00:30:19,074 --> 00:30:20,158 - Yeah, you're my mom. 818 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,327 - Even when you were still in my guts 819 00:30:22,369 --> 00:30:25,955 you used to kick my cervix, but I knew it was you just saying, 820 00:30:25,997 --> 00:30:30,293 hi, I can't wait to come out and be friends. 821 00:30:31,461 --> 00:30:34,297 - Yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll do it. 822 00:30:36,424 --> 00:30:39,678 - Yeah, yeah. 823 00:30:39,719 --> 00:30:41,846 Oh, my God. 824 00:30:41,888 --> 00:30:44,015 Oh, no, no, no. 825 00:30:44,057 --> 00:30:45,684 [laughs] All right. - Will? 826 00:30:45,725 --> 00:30:46,851 You in there? 827 00:30:46,893 --> 00:30:48,269 - Yeah, come on in. 828 00:30:48,311 --> 00:30:50,980 Oh, I cannot believe we're taking 829 00:30:51,022 --> 00:30:52,482 a bath at the same time. 830 00:30:52,524 --> 00:30:54,859 You know, it's like we're taking a bath together. 831 00:30:54,901 --> 00:30:57,320 [laughs] All right, I got to go. 832 00:30:57,362 --> 00:30:59,698 But I'll-- I'll talk to you later, Dad. 833 00:30:59,739 --> 00:31:00,865 I love you. 834 00:31:00,907 --> 00:31:02,701 I love-- ah. 835 00:31:02,742 --> 00:31:03,993 Didn't get him. 836 00:31:04,035 --> 00:31:05,620 - What the fuck, dude? 837 00:31:05,662 --> 00:31:06,830 - What the fuck what? 838 00:31:06,871 --> 00:31:08,540 - Who just comes over to somebody's house 839 00:31:08,581 --> 00:31:09,666 and gets in their tub? 840 00:31:09,708 --> 00:31:11,543 - Uh, I do. 841 00:31:11,584 --> 00:31:13,378 It's called making the most out of life. 842 00:31:13,420 --> 00:31:16,923 Some people wait for an invite to the party, I start it. 843 00:31:19,259 --> 00:31:22,262 I seize the moment, Johnny. 844 00:31:22,303 --> 00:31:25,598 You see, perfect example, you've been a drip all night. 845 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:28,018 Guess what? I've had a killer evening. 846 00:31:28,059 --> 00:31:29,811 You've been all sad. Why? 847 00:31:29,853 --> 00:31:31,062 Because your teddy bear is gone? 848 00:31:31,104 --> 00:31:32,355 That's not how you do life. 849 00:31:32,397 --> 00:31:34,649 You got to grab every chance you can 850 00:31:34,691 --> 00:31:37,235 to make your own happiness. 851 00:31:37,277 --> 00:31:39,404 - Why is the water black? 852 00:31:39,446 --> 00:31:42,907 - Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 853 00:31:42,949 --> 00:31:47,620 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it! 854 00:31:48,913 --> 00:31:50,749 All right. 855 00:31:50,790 --> 00:31:52,542 Now, I'm going to take a hike. 856 00:31:52,584 --> 00:31:56,046 Hey, you ever need me, 857 00:31:56,087 --> 00:31:58,798 you scratch my name into your arm. 858 00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:00,675 - And you'll show up? 859 00:32:00,717 --> 00:32:01,926 - I don't know. 860 00:32:01,968 --> 00:32:03,595 Never tried it. 861 00:32:16,858 --> 00:32:18,151 - Hi, Matty. 862 00:32:18,193 --> 00:32:19,611 - What do you want? 863 00:32:19,652 --> 00:32:22,197 - Hey, listen, I felt really bad about Clementine 864 00:32:22,238 --> 00:32:23,490 giving you that bite. 865 00:32:23,531 --> 00:32:26,117 And I wanted to make it up to you. 866 00:32:27,118 --> 00:32:28,161 - Eggs? 867 00:32:28,203 --> 00:32:29,371 - Ostrich eggs. 868 00:32:29,412 --> 00:32:31,331 Each one is about 24 chicken eggs. 869 00:32:31,373 --> 00:32:33,083 - What the hell am I supposed to do with these? 870 00:32:33,124 --> 00:32:34,709 I don't know 24 people. 871 00:32:34,751 --> 00:32:39,089 - Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 872 00:32:39,130 --> 00:32:44,010 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it. 873 00:32:44,052 --> 00:32:45,887 You know what's great? 874 00:32:45,929 --> 00:32:47,472 Crack. 875 00:32:47,514 --> 00:32:49,474 - Hey, Dad. 876 00:32:49,516 --> 00:32:56,439 * * 877 00:32:58,608 --> 00:33:00,360 Hey, nice robot costume. 878 00:33:00,402 --> 00:33:03,279 Those the boxes your dad used to move out? 879 00:33:03,321 --> 00:33:05,073 Hey, who are you? The Dork Knight? 880 00:33:05,115 --> 00:33:06,825 - I'm Batman! 881 00:33:06,866 --> 00:33:08,118 - Ow! What the fuck? 882 00:33:08,159 --> 00:33:09,369 You asshole! 883 00:33:09,411 --> 00:33:11,162 - Hey, hey, who are you supposed to be? 884 00:33:11,204 --> 00:33:13,832 - Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton. 885 00:33:13,873 --> 00:33:15,834 - Oh, man, you're going to have enough trouble. 886 00:33:15,875 --> 00:33:17,460 Keep moving. 887 00:33:23,049 --> 00:33:24,342 Oh, hey, ET! 888 00:33:24,384 --> 00:33:26,386 Take this, you Reese's piece of shit. 889 00:33:29,014 --> 00:33:30,682 [chuckles] 890 00:33:32,892 --> 00:33:34,019 Oh, crap. 891 00:33:34,060 --> 00:33:36,104 - What the fuck? 892 00:33:36,146 --> 00:33:37,522 - Oh, my God. 893 00:33:37,564 --> 00:33:39,274 Is this what we've been doing to people? 894 00:33:39,315 --> 00:33:41,026 We were wrong, Johnny. 895 00:33:41,067 --> 00:33:42,652 We were wrong! 896 00:33:44,571 --> 00:33:46,865 Hey, listen, man, I'm really sorry I 897 00:33:46,906 --> 00:33:48,116 didn't get back in time. 898 00:33:48,158 --> 00:33:49,325 But you know what? 899 00:33:49,367 --> 00:33:50,618 I think it was for the best. 900 00:33:50,660 --> 00:33:51,870 - Me too. 901 00:33:51,911 --> 00:33:53,371 I mean, it was kind of nice to see if I could 902 00:33:53,413 --> 00:33:54,998 actually have fun on my own. 903 00:33:55,040 --> 00:33:56,791 - That sounds healthy, like growth. 904 00:33:56,833 --> 00:33:58,793 - Yeah, it felt like growth. 905 00:33:58,835 --> 00:34:00,003 - You grew. 906 00:34:00,045 --> 00:34:01,212 You grew tonight. 907 00:34:01,254 --> 00:34:02,714 - I really did. 908 00:34:02,756 --> 00:34:03,798 So how was your night? 909 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:05,675 - I was almost raped by a professor. 910 00:34:05,717 --> 00:34:07,385 But now I got a moped, so it's fine. 911 00:34:07,427 --> 00:34:08,803 - Well, now that we know for sure 912 00:34:08,845 --> 00:34:11,639 that we can exist on our own, let's never do it again. 913 00:34:11,681 --> 00:34:13,391 - Oh, fuck no. I was dying out there. 914 00:34:13,433 --> 00:34:14,934 - Do you want to get high? - Absolutely. 915 00:34:14,976 --> 00:34:17,687 Wait. No, not yet. 916 00:34:17,729 --> 00:34:20,357 There's one more thing I got to do tonight. 917 00:34:28,990 --> 00:34:30,575 [floor creaks] 918 00:34:40,168 --> 00:34:41,795 Help me. - Oh, my God! 919 00:34:41,836 --> 00:34:43,129 Jesus Christ! 920 00:34:43,171 --> 00:34:44,422 You scared the shit out of me. 921 00:34:44,464 --> 00:34:46,633 - Got you, motherfucker. 922 00:34:46,675 --> 00:34:48,134 - Oh, damn. 923 00:34:48,176 --> 00:34:50,804 - [chuckles] You know, Blaire, there 924 00:34:50,845 --> 00:34:52,097 actually is something I-- 925 00:34:52,138 --> 00:34:54,224 I came here to tell you. 926 00:34:54,265 --> 00:34:55,934 - OK. 927 00:34:55,975 --> 00:34:58,353 - You know, me and Johnny always think you're like, 928 00:34:58,395 --> 00:35:01,981 this buzzkill, but tonight was kind of fun. 929 00:35:02,023 --> 00:35:04,234 You're kind of fucking fun. 930 00:35:04,275 --> 00:35:07,112 - Well, I got to admit, I-- 931 00:35:07,153 --> 00:35:08,780 I kind of had fun too. 932 00:35:08,822 --> 00:35:11,282 I mean, the towing cost me $80, and I still 933 00:35:11,324 --> 00:35:13,827 don't have a fucking car, but for what it's worth, 934 00:35:13,868 --> 00:35:16,955 I really do appreciate you trying to look out for me, 935 00:35:16,996 --> 00:35:18,707 even if you were wrong. 936 00:35:18,748 --> 00:35:21,209 - Oh, by the way, I got something for you. 937 00:35:23,628 --> 00:35:25,296 This is for you. 938 00:35:26,172 --> 00:35:27,716 - A McDonald's apple pie? 939 00:35:27,757 --> 00:35:28,758 - Yeah, yeah. 940 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:30,969 I was saving it, but it's all yours. 941 00:35:31,011 --> 00:35:32,470 I've had it in the freezer for two months, 942 00:35:32,512 --> 00:35:35,640 so it's probably cooled off by now. 943 00:35:35,682 --> 00:35:36,808 - Oh, my God. - Oh, shit, oh, shit. 944 00:35:36,850 --> 00:35:37,976 - Get a towel. Get something to cover it. 945 00:35:38,018 --> 00:35:39,310 - Get a wet towel. - I am. 946 00:35:39,352 --> 00:35:40,353 - Oh, my God, We're gonna lose the fucking house! 947 00:35:40,395 --> 00:35:41,521 - We're all going to die! 948 00:35:45,066 --> 00:35:46,317 - Can I help you? 949 00:35:46,359 --> 00:35:48,028 - Hey, I'm Carol's son. 950 00:35:48,069 --> 00:35:49,362 I just got home from a party. 951 00:35:49,404 --> 00:35:50,488 My mom told me to come here and hang out 952 00:35:50,530 --> 00:35:52,073 with somebody named John. 953 00:35:52,115 --> 00:35:53,867 - Wait, you're Carol's son? 954 00:35:55,452 --> 00:35:59,122 * * 955 00:35:59,164 --> 00:36:02,042 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 956 00:36:02,083 --> 00:36:06,087 - * Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful * 957 00:36:06,129 --> 00:36:10,842 * And yet alas, that someone adores you * 958 00:36:10,884 --> 00:36:14,929 * Everybody needs a best friend * 959 00:36:14,971 --> 00:36:17,349 * I'm happy I'm yours * 960 00:36:17,390 --> 00:36:20,685 * I'm just a clown * 961 00:36:20,727 --> 00:36:23,938 * And I'll bring you down * 962 00:36:23,980 --> 00:36:29,986 * But you just don't care 'cause your * 963 00:36:30,028 --> 00:36:33,073 * Best friend is me * 964 00:36:33,114 --> 00:36:40,246 * *