1 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:10,181 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,223 --> 00:00:12,892 * * 3 00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:14,394 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,436 --> 00:00:16,312 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,354 --> 00:00:19,441 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:23,069 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,111 --> 00:00:25,822 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,824 --> 00:00:30,744 [upbeat jazz music] 9 00:00:30,785 --> 00:00:33,246 * * 10 00:00:33,288 --> 00:00:34,956 - Hey, thanks again for picking us up, Blaire. 11 00:00:34,998 --> 00:00:37,125 - Yeah, no problem. What'd you guys end up seeing? 12 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,209 - "Jurassic Park." 13 00:00:38,251 --> 00:00:39,377 It's, like, the greatest movie 14 00:00:39,419 --> 00:00:40,670 I've ever fucking seen, like, ever. 15 00:00:40,712 --> 00:00:43,381 - Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs. 16 00:00:43,423 --> 00:00:45,508 - Uh, yeah, I don't think so. 17 00:00:45,550 --> 00:00:47,093 - No, he did. - No, he did. He totally did. 18 00:00:47,135 --> 00:00:48,470 There's no other explanation. 19 00:00:48,511 --> 00:00:51,681 - I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs. 20 00:00:51,723 --> 00:00:53,475 - Well, that's-that's a ignorant thing to say, Blaire, 21 00:00:53,516 --> 00:00:54,684 when you didn't see the movie. 22 00:00:54,726 --> 00:00:57,187 - Yeah, no, he made "ET" and he made "Jaws" 23 00:00:57,228 --> 00:00:58,396 and this was his reward. 24 00:00:58,438 --> 00:00:59,689 He got real dinosaurs to play with. 25 00:00:59,731 --> 00:01:00,732 It all adds up. 26 00:01:00,774 --> 00:01:02,275 - My only criticism of the movie-- 27 00:01:02,317 --> 00:01:04,611 who has open cups of water in the car? 28 00:01:04,652 --> 00:01:05,945 - Oh yeah, that wasweird. 29 00:01:05,987 --> 00:01:07,572 - Yeah, it's like, you want a lid for that water? 30 00:01:07,614 --> 00:01:09,491 Nah, that's OK. I'm just riding in the jungle. 31 00:01:09,532 --> 00:01:11,076 - Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store? 32 00:01:11,117 --> 00:01:12,160 I want to rent a movie. 33 00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:13,995 - You justsaw a movie. 34 00:01:14,037 --> 00:01:15,789 - Yeah, I know. And now, we got dinosaur fever. 35 00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:17,749 We want to see more movies with dinosaurs. 36 00:01:17,791 --> 00:01:19,125 - [groans] 37 00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:21,211 Fine, but you got to be quick. I got plans tonight. 38 00:01:21,252 --> 00:01:22,962 - Oh, yeah? What-what do you got going on? 39 00:01:23,004 --> 00:01:24,464 - Just stuff. 40 00:01:24,506 --> 00:01:25,757 - Like college stuff? 41 00:01:25,799 --> 00:01:27,008 - Yes. 42 00:01:27,050 --> 00:01:28,301 - Toga party? - No. 43 00:01:28,343 --> 00:01:29,594 - Fucking rush week? 44 00:01:29,636 --> 00:01:30,679 - No. 45 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:31,763 - Fucking around with the new pledges, 46 00:01:31,805 --> 00:01:33,264 but then Diane goes a little too far 47 00:01:33,306 --> 00:01:34,641 and something horrible happens 48 00:01:34,683 --> 00:01:36,893 but then you all kind of work together to cover it up 49 00:01:36,935 --> 00:01:38,103 and then the next day, 50 00:01:38,144 --> 00:01:39,396 you just go to class like nothing happened 51 00:01:39,437 --> 00:01:40,897 but now you're all bonded for life 52 00:01:40,939 --> 00:01:42,232 by, like, a horrible secret, 53 00:01:42,273 --> 00:01:43,775 and it seems like it's all going to be OK 54 00:01:43,817 --> 00:01:45,443 but then Rachel seems a little shaky 55 00:01:45,485 --> 00:01:47,278 and you wonder if she's going to be a problem? 56 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,072 - What the fuck are you talking about? 57 00:01:49,114 --> 00:01:50,699 - I'm just making conversation. 58 00:01:50,740 --> 00:01:57,997 * * 59 00:01:58,957 --> 00:02:01,626 - OK, you got five minutes. Hurry up and pick something. 60 00:02:01,668 --> 00:02:02,627 - OK. 61 00:02:02,669 --> 00:02:09,634 * * 62 00:02:16,057 --> 00:02:17,475 Hey, Teddy. - Yeah? 63 00:02:17,517 --> 00:02:19,102 - You ever seen a porno? 64 00:02:19,144 --> 00:02:21,438 - Yeah, I saw a lot of them when I was out in Hollywood. 65 00:02:21,479 --> 00:02:23,398 - They as awesome as people say? 66 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,400 - They are, Johnny. 67 00:02:25,442 --> 00:02:26,651 - What are they like? 68 00:02:26,693 --> 00:02:28,445 - Well, you turn it on, you settle in, 69 00:02:28,486 --> 00:02:29,779 you get your Kleenex and your lotion, 70 00:02:29,821 --> 00:02:31,823 and you-- you fucking go to town. 71 00:02:31,865 --> 00:02:33,158 - Wow. 72 00:02:33,199 --> 00:02:34,492 Sounds amazing. 73 00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:35,869 - Yeah, especially afterward when it's over 74 00:02:35,910 --> 00:02:37,829 and you think about what you did. 75 00:02:37,871 --> 00:02:39,039 - Really? 76 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:40,373 - Yeah, and you clean yourself up 77 00:02:40,415 --> 00:02:41,499 but the porn's still going on in the background, 78 00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:43,460 but it seems twice as loud now. 79 00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:44,961 And even though you didn't leave the house, 80 00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:47,297 you know you've contributed to a woman's nightmare. 81 00:02:47,339 --> 00:02:48,757 Oh, and you can't 82 00:02:48,798 --> 00:02:50,967 shove that sock in the hamper deep enough. 83 00:02:51,009 --> 00:02:53,261 - Man, every time I come in here and I see those doors, 84 00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:55,764 it's like it's so mysterious. 85 00:02:55,805 --> 00:02:59,184 The private, exclusive adults-only room. 86 00:02:59,225 --> 00:03:02,145 [classy jazz music] 87 00:03:02,187 --> 00:03:09,277 * * 88 00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:19,496 - [posh English accent] Master John, Master Ted. 89 00:03:19,537 --> 00:03:22,248 I'm so delighted that you've joined us. 90 00:03:22,290 --> 00:03:25,585 Are we thinking of renting some pornography this evening? 91 00:03:25,627 --> 00:03:26,961 - [posh English accent] Indeed, we are, Lloyd. 92 00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:28,421 - Splendid, splendid. 93 00:03:28,463 --> 00:03:31,216 We have quite a fine selection for your perusal. 94 00:03:31,257 --> 00:03:33,134 - [posh English accent] Mm, well, what would you recommend? 95 00:03:33,176 --> 00:03:34,427 - Your preference, sir. 96 00:03:34,469 --> 00:03:36,638 Would you like to feel in charge, 97 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,556 or like an itty, bitty baby? 98 00:03:38,598 --> 00:03:41,142 - I do believe I would like to feel like a baby. 99 00:03:41,184 --> 00:03:44,270 - [chuckles softly] No one has ever chosen the other one, sir. 100 00:03:44,312 --> 00:03:45,980 - Yes, I would imagine not. 101 00:03:46,022 --> 00:03:47,232 [chortling laughter] 102 00:03:47,273 --> 00:03:48,650 - Very good, sir. 103 00:03:48,692 --> 00:03:51,277 I'll be right back with your cream and kerchief. 104 00:03:51,319 --> 00:03:53,029 - How's the wife, Lloyd? 105 00:03:53,071 --> 00:03:57,200 - Well, sir, I'm afraid that Clara passed away last month. 106 00:03:57,242 --> 00:03:59,244 - Oh, Lloyd, we're so very sorry. 107 00:03:59,285 --> 00:04:01,496 - Thank you, sir. She fought bravely, 108 00:04:01,538 --> 00:04:03,623 but there was nothing the doctors could do. 109 00:04:03,665 --> 00:04:05,750 - And how is your son taking the loss? 110 00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:08,211 - We haven't spoken since she passed away, sir. 111 00:04:08,253 --> 00:04:11,256 I'm afraid that Jeremy blames me for his mother's death. 112 00:04:11,297 --> 00:04:12,424 - How terrible. 113 00:04:12,465 --> 00:04:14,134 - Thank heaven I have my work. 114 00:04:14,175 --> 00:04:17,345 Elsewise, I'm not sure I could go on living myself. 115 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:21,349 Well, enjoy your pornography, sir. 116 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:22,934 - [normally] Jesus. 117 00:04:22,976 --> 00:04:25,520 Your fantasy includes the guy losing his wife and family? 118 00:04:25,562 --> 00:04:26,604 - [normally] Well I mean, the son didn't die, 119 00:04:26,646 --> 00:04:27,897 they're just estranged. 120 00:04:27,939 --> 00:04:29,649 - I just feel like 121 00:04:29,691 --> 00:04:31,317 by putting all that on him, it distracts from ourstory. 122 00:04:32,277 --> 00:04:33,611 - Teddy, you want to go in there? 123 00:04:33,653 --> 00:04:34,946 - In the back room? 124 00:04:34,988 --> 00:04:36,072 - Yeah. 125 00:04:36,114 --> 00:04:37,323 Yeah, don't you think it's about time 126 00:04:37,365 --> 00:04:38,658 I rented my first porno? 127 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:40,785 - Well, I hope you've gotten everything done 128 00:04:40,827 --> 00:04:42,704 that you need to get done ever. 129 00:04:42,746 --> 00:04:43,830 - Why? 130 00:04:43,872 --> 00:04:45,040 - Oh, you'll see. Come on, let's do it. 131 00:04:46,916 --> 00:04:50,003 - Hey! No one under 18 in the adult section! 132 00:04:50,045 --> 00:04:51,254 - Ah, shit. 133 00:04:51,296 --> 00:04:52,964 - It's all right, Johnny. I'll go and get it. 134 00:04:53,006 --> 00:04:54,090 - You hear me? 135 00:04:54,132 --> 00:04:55,633 I said no one under 18! 136 00:04:55,675 --> 00:04:57,218 - It's all right, buddy. It's just me. 137 00:04:57,260 --> 00:05:00,638 - You came to life in 1985. That makes you what, eight? 138 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,140 - Dude, it's a little different. 139 00:05:02,182 --> 00:05:03,850 - No. Rules are rules! 140 00:05:03,892 --> 00:05:05,018 - Ah, shit. 141 00:05:07,062 --> 00:05:09,397 - Wow, what an amazing selection! 142 00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:11,316 These are all so erotic! 143 00:05:11,358 --> 00:05:12,400 - All right, if you guys are done 144 00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,443 humiliating yourselves in public, 145 00:05:13,485 --> 00:05:14,861 can we get out of here? 146 00:05:14,903 --> 00:05:16,363 - Uh, Blaire. 147 00:05:16,404 --> 00:05:17,489 - I'm not renting you porn. 148 00:05:17,530 --> 00:05:18,823 - Oh, come on, you gotta. 149 00:05:18,865 --> 00:05:19,657 - No, I don't. 150 00:05:19,699 --> 00:05:20,992 - Blaire, I'm already 16. 151 00:05:21,034 --> 00:05:23,453 OK, if I was Mormon, I'd be a grandfather by now. 152 00:05:23,495 --> 00:05:25,413 - Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once. 153 00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:26,998 - I'm basically an adult already, OK? 154 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,958 I just want to watch an adult movie. 155 00:05:30,502 --> 00:05:31,711 - All right, fine. 156 00:05:31,753 --> 00:05:33,171 - What? - What? 157 00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:34,255 - I don't have time to stand here all day and argue. 158 00:05:34,297 --> 00:05:35,715 OK, just go wait in the car. 159 00:05:35,757 --> 00:05:37,217 - Holy shit. Fucking awesome! - Oh, my God, Blaire! 160 00:05:37,258 --> 00:05:38,635 You're fucking amazing, Blaire! - Wow, Thank you so much! 161 00:05:38,677 --> 00:05:39,969 Blaire, this is fucking awesome! 162 00:05:40,011 --> 00:05:41,888 Thank you so much! - Oh, you're the fucking best! 163 00:05:42,639 --> 00:05:44,099 - Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you, 164 00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:45,308 that's probably what we're going to like. 165 00:05:45,350 --> 00:05:46,184 - I'm going to count to three. 166 00:05:46,226 --> 00:05:47,394 - OK. 167 00:05:49,562 --> 00:05:51,189 - All right, you guys. Enjoy the movie. 168 00:05:51,231 --> 00:05:52,691 - Oh, we will. 169 00:05:52,732 --> 00:05:54,609 - Oh, and don't be thrown when you turn it on. 170 00:05:54,651 --> 00:05:55,777 It's black and white. 171 00:05:55,819 --> 00:05:57,320 - Even better. - Yeah, finally. 172 00:05:57,362 --> 00:05:59,030 We're telling theirstories. - Yeah, love that. 173 00:05:59,072 --> 00:06:00,198 - Representation matters. 174 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,116 - Glad to hear it. 175 00:06:02,325 --> 00:06:04,619 - OK. - Here we go. 176 00:06:04,661 --> 00:06:07,414 - We got at least an hour before Mom gets back. 177 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,500 [dramatic orchestral music on TV] 178 00:06:10,542 --> 00:06:13,002 - All right, porno time! 179 00:06:13,044 --> 00:06:13,837 * * 180 00:06:13,878 --> 00:06:16,172 - Whoa. "The 400 Blows." 181 00:06:16,214 --> 00:06:18,717 Whoever this guy is, he's going to be a nub by the end of it. 182 00:06:18,758 --> 00:06:20,802 - Ah, French fucking. All right. 183 00:06:20,844 --> 00:06:22,387 Little hairy, but I'm on board. 184 00:06:22,429 --> 00:06:23,388 - [nasal French laugh] 185 00:06:23,430 --> 00:06:24,889 [both laughing nasally] 186 00:06:24,931 --> 00:06:27,350 - That's what the fucking's going to sound like. 187 00:06:27,392 --> 00:06:28,518 * * 188 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,645 - [speaking French] 189 00:06:30,687 --> 00:06:32,856 - [speaking French] 190 00:06:34,274 --> 00:06:36,776 - Jesus, how the fuck long has this been going on? 191 00:06:36,818 --> 00:06:38,153 - You guys enjoying the movie? 192 00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:39,779 - No! It sucks! 193 00:06:39,821 --> 00:06:41,197 How the fuck is this a porno? 194 00:06:41,239 --> 00:06:44,659 - Well, I rented you guys an adult movie, 195 00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:47,120 as in a movie for adults. 196 00:06:47,162 --> 00:06:48,747 - Oh, you suck. 197 00:06:48,788 --> 00:06:50,874 - No, no, but wait, they were talking about ball sacks. 198 00:06:50,915 --> 00:06:51,916 - Balzac. 199 00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,084 - Yeah, exactly. So where were they? 200 00:06:53,126 --> 00:06:54,919 - Are saying you don't like the film? 201 00:06:54,961 --> 00:06:57,547 - No! No, there's no sex at all in this movie. 202 00:06:57,589 --> 00:06:58,757 Just ennui. 203 00:06:58,798 --> 00:06:59,841 - I did you a favor. 204 00:06:59,883 --> 00:07:01,551 - No, we want to look at genitals. 205 00:07:01,593 --> 00:07:03,094 - Trust me, it's overrated. 206 00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:05,013 - Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn? 207 00:07:05,055 --> 00:07:05,889 - Uh, no. 208 00:07:05,930 --> 00:07:07,891 But a guy from my school did 209 00:07:07,932 --> 00:07:10,143 mail me a photo of his dick last semester. 210 00:07:10,185 --> 00:07:11,102 - Oh. 211 00:07:11,144 --> 00:07:12,854 - He even shot it in sepia tone. 212 00:07:12,896 --> 00:07:14,814 - Wait, so it was, like, all old-timey? 213 00:07:14,856 --> 00:07:16,066 - Yeah. 214 00:07:16,107 --> 00:07:17,817 - Like, "This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"? 215 00:07:17,859 --> 00:07:19,027 - You want the kicker? 216 00:07:19,069 --> 00:07:20,111 It was flaccid. 217 00:07:20,153 --> 00:07:21,446 - Wait, so he didn't even do the work? 218 00:07:21,488 --> 00:07:24,949 - Nope. Just a flaccid dick with a fancy filter. 219 00:07:24,991 --> 00:07:27,035 - Well, I guess even a great director 220 00:07:27,077 --> 00:07:28,536 can't save a bad script. 221 00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:30,288 - [sighs] Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys. 222 00:07:30,330 --> 00:07:31,206 It's a classic. 223 00:07:34,459 --> 00:07:35,627 - Fuck this. 224 00:07:35,668 --> 00:07:38,630 [actors speaking French on TV] 225 00:07:38,672 --> 00:07:41,091 [switch clicks, VCR whirring] 226 00:07:41,132 --> 00:07:42,759 [repetitive clicking] 227 00:07:43,051 --> 00:07:43,968 [switch clicks] 228 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:50,016 [insects chirping] 229 00:07:50,850 --> 00:07:54,813 - Everyone, Matty and I have some news. 230 00:07:54,854 --> 00:07:57,232 - Oh, man. It finally happened. 231 00:07:57,273 --> 00:07:59,317 Look, I'm sure this was a tough decision to make, 232 00:07:59,359 --> 00:08:01,486 but there's no sense in postponing the inevitable. 233 00:08:01,528 --> 00:08:02,821 You know what? 234 00:08:02,862 --> 00:08:03,822 Not every marriage is meant to last forever. 235 00:08:03,863 --> 00:08:05,115 And at a certain point, 236 00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:06,324 you're just throwing good years out the bag. 237 00:08:06,366 --> 00:08:07,409 - We're going out to dinner. 238 00:08:07,450 --> 00:08:08,827 - Hey! That's... 239 00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,161 one of my favorite meals. 240 00:08:10,203 --> 00:08:11,621 - We're going to go out, 241 00:08:11,663 --> 00:08:14,124 we're going to have a nice, romantic evening tomorrow. 242 00:08:14,165 --> 00:08:16,584 Just the two of us just because. 243 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,253 And we're going to have a lovely time. 244 00:08:18,294 --> 00:08:19,587 - That's right. 245 00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,923 My wife deserves a night out just for being her. 246 00:08:21,965 --> 00:08:23,508 We're going to have a--we're going to have a great meal, 247 00:08:23,550 --> 00:08:24,634 and it's going to be terrific! 248 00:08:24,676 --> 00:08:25,760 [hand slams on table loudly] - Jesus. 249 00:08:25,802 --> 00:08:27,178 Take it easy. - What? 250 00:08:27,220 --> 00:08:29,180 I'm fucking happy. It's going to be a great night. 251 00:08:29,222 --> 00:08:31,016 - You know, I wonder if years from now, we'll find out 252 00:08:31,057 --> 00:08:33,893 this was all just one big, long heart attack. 253 00:08:33,935 --> 00:08:35,812 - Teddy, can I speak to you in private? 254 00:08:35,854 --> 00:08:37,105 OK, this is perfect. 255 00:08:37,147 --> 00:08:38,398 Mom and Dad are going to be out of the house 256 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:39,441 and Blaire's got school. 257 00:08:39,482 --> 00:08:41,026 There will never be a better time. 258 00:08:41,067 --> 00:08:41,860 - For what? 259 00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:43,862 - To rent a real porno. 260 00:08:43,903 --> 00:08:45,196 - Well, how are we supposed to do it? 261 00:08:45,238 --> 00:08:47,198 That butt nut in the store says we got to be 18. 262 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,950 - There's a different guy that comes in at 6:00 263 00:08:48,992 --> 00:08:50,160 for the night shift, all right? 264 00:08:50,201 --> 00:08:51,411 We get fake IDs, 265 00:08:51,453 --> 00:08:53,580 we go in after 6:00, we can rent that porno. 266 00:08:53,621 --> 00:08:55,081 - I don't know, Johnny. It's a risk. 267 00:08:55,123 --> 00:08:56,875 I mean, if we get caught-- - Teddy. 268 00:08:56,916 --> 00:08:58,918 Watching other people have sex on a TV screen, 269 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,296 that's just about the coolest thing a person can do. 270 00:09:01,337 --> 00:09:02,714 It's worth the risk. 271 00:09:02,756 --> 00:09:05,216 By this time tomorrow, that dream could be ours. 272 00:09:05,258 --> 00:09:07,469 - All right. Let's get some sleep. 273 00:09:07,510 --> 00:09:09,596 We jerk at first light. - Right. 274 00:09:13,933 --> 00:09:16,853 [upbeat jazz music] 275 00:09:16,895 --> 00:09:19,856 * * 276 00:09:19,898 --> 00:09:22,067 - [blows air] 277 00:09:22,108 --> 00:09:23,860 OK. Two fake IDs. 278 00:09:23,902 --> 00:09:24,944 That'll be 50 bucks. 279 00:09:24,986 --> 00:09:27,280 - We got that same VCR at home. 280 00:09:27,322 --> 00:09:28,365 - I don't give a shit. 281 00:09:28,406 --> 00:09:29,699 - Right there. 282 00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:31,493 My whole allowance for eight weeks. 283 00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:35,121 - All right, here we go. Enjoy your new lives as adults. 284 00:09:35,163 --> 00:09:37,290 - Jesus Christ, how old is this guy? 285 00:09:37,332 --> 00:09:38,625 Looks like he's 40. 286 00:09:38,666 --> 00:09:40,168 - Hey, you'll be fine, all right? 287 00:09:40,210 --> 00:09:42,212 [chuckles] Although Ted's took a little bit of work. 288 00:09:42,253 --> 00:09:44,589 - I-I can't use this. - Why not? 289 00:09:44,631 --> 00:09:46,716 - It looks like Bob Ross. 290 00:09:46,758 --> 00:09:49,260 It is. It is Bob--this is Bob Ross. 291 00:09:49,302 --> 00:09:50,428 - Well, you're a tough fit, pal. 292 00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:52,013 It was either him or a pair of UGG boots. 293 00:09:52,055 --> 00:09:54,849 - Oh, yeah, laugh it up now, but pretty soon, 294 00:09:54,891 --> 00:09:57,477 I'll be having an orgasm next to my friend. 295 00:09:57,519 --> 00:09:58,687 - Yeah! 296 00:10:01,398 --> 00:10:04,484 [suspenseful music] 297 00:10:04,526 --> 00:10:11,366 * * 298 00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:16,830 - Wait, wait, not yet! Not yet! 299 00:10:16,871 --> 00:10:18,581 That other bastard's still there. 300 00:10:18,623 --> 00:10:21,334 Act like we're just here to rent a movie. 301 00:10:21,376 --> 00:10:22,460 Ah, yes. 302 00:10:22,502 --> 00:10:24,671 This looks like a good, non-sexual film. 303 00:10:24,713 --> 00:10:26,256 - Oh, yes, I have heard many great, 304 00:10:26,297 --> 00:10:28,299 non-sexual things about this movie. 305 00:10:28,341 --> 00:10:31,344 - Peter Travers calls it "a sex-free laugh riot." 306 00:10:31,386 --> 00:10:35,265 - "Time" magazine says, "about as erotic as mom's diarrhea." 307 00:10:35,306 --> 00:10:36,975 - The fuck? 308 00:10:37,017 --> 00:10:38,476 - What? - The fuck was that? 309 00:10:38,518 --> 00:10:40,186 - What do you mean? I'm just expanding on your thing. 310 00:10:40,228 --> 00:10:41,354 - That's not what I was doing. 311 00:10:41,396 --> 00:10:43,690 - Improv's all about "Yes, and..." OK? 312 00:10:43,732 --> 00:10:44,607 You can't just shut me down like that 313 00:10:44,649 --> 00:10:45,608 in the middle of a scene. 314 00:10:45,650 --> 00:10:47,360 - Don't do "mom's diarrhea" 315 00:10:47,402 --> 00:10:49,154 and then tell me how I'm fucking supposed to do improv. 316 00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:52,282 Jesus Christ. [door opens] 317 00:10:52,323 --> 00:10:53,450 - Hey. - Hey. 318 00:10:53,491 --> 00:10:54,492 All right. 319 00:10:54,534 --> 00:10:55,827 I'm out of here. - Later. 320 00:10:55,869 --> 00:10:56,953 - Have a good one. 321 00:10:56,995 --> 00:10:59,330 - All right, let's move. [door opens] 322 00:10:59,873 --> 00:11:02,042 - Excuse me. Uh-uh. Adults only. 323 00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:03,293 - Ah, yes. Of course. [Johnny chuckles] 324 00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:05,211 How forgetful of us. - Oh, don't worry. 325 00:11:05,253 --> 00:11:07,839 This, uh, this happens all the time. 326 00:11:07,881 --> 00:11:09,049 I understand your mistake. 327 00:11:13,261 --> 00:11:14,387 - Oh, my God. 328 00:11:14,429 --> 00:11:15,430 - What? 329 00:11:15,472 --> 00:11:17,223 - You're Bob Ross! 330 00:11:17,265 --> 00:11:18,558 - Uh, yes. 331 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:19,893 Yes, I am. 332 00:11:19,934 --> 00:11:21,895 - Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours. 333 00:11:21,936 --> 00:11:23,521 - Oh, uh, well, thanks. 334 00:11:23,563 --> 00:11:25,106 - I love your whole artistic philosophy. 335 00:11:25,148 --> 00:11:27,567 The way you assign a motion to every tree and cloud. 336 00:11:27,609 --> 00:11:29,069 - Yeah, well, great. 337 00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:30,528 Um, listen, we're going to head to the adult section 338 00:11:30,570 --> 00:11:32,697 and find ourselves a happy, little bush. 339 00:11:32,739 --> 00:11:34,491 - See you in a bit. 340 00:11:38,370 --> 00:11:40,246 OK. 341 00:11:40,288 --> 00:11:41,373 - Wow. 342 00:11:41,414 --> 00:11:42,374 Looks like you're having quite a marathon. 343 00:11:42,415 --> 00:11:44,876 - Uh, yes. It's for a fundraiser. 344 00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:46,544 - Oh, for what? 345 00:11:46,586 --> 00:11:48,004 - Jerking... 346 00:11:48,046 --> 00:11:49,964 for Muscular Dystrophy. 347 00:11:50,006 --> 00:11:51,675 - Oh, yeah. JMD, of course. 348 00:11:51,716 --> 00:11:54,511 - Hey, is there a limit on how many tapes you can rent? 349 00:11:54,552 --> 00:11:56,388 - Not for you, Mr. Ross. 350 00:11:56,429 --> 00:11:58,014 All right, these tapes are due back Thursday. 351 00:11:58,056 --> 00:12:00,392 There's an $80 fee for any missing or damaged tapes. 352 00:12:00,433 --> 00:12:01,184 - That's a lot of money. 353 00:12:01,226 --> 00:12:02,435 - That's a lot of porn. 354 00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:04,938 - You know, other people want to masturbate, too! 355 00:12:04,979 --> 00:12:06,231 - Not tonight, pal. 356 00:12:06,272 --> 00:12:07,315 [hand slams on table loudly] 357 00:12:09,609 --> 00:12:11,152 OK. 358 00:12:12,654 --> 00:12:15,865 [soft classy piano music] 359 00:12:15,907 --> 00:12:19,202 - Look at this place. [chuckles] 360 00:12:19,244 --> 00:12:21,329 Isn't this a magical night? 361 00:12:21,371 --> 00:12:23,456 - My sock's got a big hole in it. 362 00:12:23,498 --> 00:12:26,000 If I tear it off, will you shove it in your purse? 363 00:12:26,042 --> 00:12:27,585 - Oh, look, Matty! 364 00:12:27,627 --> 00:12:30,964 They have a whole man just for the pepper! 365 00:12:31,006 --> 00:12:33,008 Oh, let's get something that needs pepper. 366 00:12:33,049 --> 00:12:34,259 - When I was his age, 367 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,302 I was liberating Nha Trang hut-by-hut. 368 00:12:36,344 --> 00:12:38,972 But yeah, sure. Pepper boy's good, too. 369 00:12:39,014 --> 00:12:42,600 - Gosh, everything's just so fancy-schmancy. 370 00:12:42,642 --> 00:12:44,436 I feel like Academy Awards. 371 00:12:44,477 --> 00:12:46,521 - Hi there. How are we doing tonight, folks? 372 00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:48,231 - My sock's bugging me. 373 00:12:48,273 --> 00:12:50,191 - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 374 00:12:50,233 --> 00:12:51,651 Can I take your order? 375 00:12:51,693 --> 00:12:53,653 - Matty, he's so sweet. 376 00:12:53,695 --> 00:12:54,821 What's your name? 377 00:12:54,863 --> 00:12:56,281 - Kevin, ma'am. 378 00:12:56,322 --> 00:12:58,199 - Kevin, you go home, you call your mother, 379 00:12:58,241 --> 00:13:00,285 and you tell her Susan Bennett from Framingham 380 00:13:00,326 --> 00:13:03,038 said you did an excellent job. 381 00:13:03,079 --> 00:13:04,831 - My mother has advanced Alzheimer's. 382 00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:06,875 She has no idea who I am. 383 00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,460 - I'll have the crab. 384 00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:10,170 - [snaps fingers] Let me ask you a question there, Kev-o. 385 00:13:10,211 --> 00:13:12,172 Why is the New York strip 24 bucks 386 00:13:12,213 --> 00:13:14,341 but at Rico's Market, it's like 8? 387 00:13:14,382 --> 00:13:16,217 - Well, supermarket prices and restaurant prices 388 00:13:16,259 --> 00:13:17,510 are different-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 389 00:13:17,552 --> 00:13:20,138 It's a pretty sweet markup, 16 bucks for heat. 390 00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:22,015 That seem fair to you, Kev-o? 391 00:13:22,057 --> 00:13:23,641 - You could order the junior steak 392 00:13:23,683 --> 00:13:25,185 off the kids menu for $9. 393 00:13:25,226 --> 00:13:27,729 - Now we're getting somewhere. [chuckling] OK. 394 00:13:27,771 --> 00:13:29,814 See that, Susan? He blinked first. 395 00:13:29,856 --> 00:13:31,024 - Comes with your choice 396 00:13:31,066 --> 00:13:33,026 of an activity booklet or a silly straw. 397 00:13:33,068 --> 00:13:34,110 - Both, Kev-o. 398 00:13:34,152 --> 00:13:35,570 Pile it high and good! 399 00:13:35,612 --> 00:13:36,738 - Yes, sir. 400 00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:38,323 - Here you go. - Thank you. 401 00:13:38,365 --> 00:13:40,367 - Hang on. Do me a favor. 402 00:13:40,408 --> 00:13:42,035 [fabric ripping] 403 00:13:42,077 --> 00:13:43,078 Throw this out for me, would you? 404 00:13:43,119 --> 00:13:46,873 [indistinct chatter] 405 00:13:47,248 --> 00:13:51,211 - Wouldn't it be fun to be a waiter on a cruise ship? 406 00:13:51,252 --> 00:13:54,381 Because when you're done, you're already home. 407 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,425 I'm going to tell him that. 408 00:13:59,886 --> 00:14:01,388 - All right, here we go. 409 00:14:01,429 --> 00:14:03,223 * Porno time, porno time * 410 00:14:03,264 --> 00:14:04,808 * Porno, porno, porno time! * 411 00:14:04,849 --> 00:14:06,142 Porno time! 412 00:14:06,184 --> 00:14:07,352 - All right, let's put one in. - All right. 413 00:14:07,394 --> 00:14:08,770 Wait, wait. Hang on a second. 414 00:14:08,812 --> 00:14:10,772 Before we start, we got to have some ground rules. 415 00:14:10,814 --> 00:14:11,940 - What do you mean? 416 00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:13,608 - Well, like, where are you sitting? 417 00:14:13,650 --> 00:14:14,651 - On the couch. 418 00:14:14,693 --> 00:14:15,694 - Oh, no, no, no, no. 419 00:14:15,735 --> 00:14:17,278 I don't want you in my eyeline. 420 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,656 - OK, we could, like, build a divider or something, 421 00:14:19,698 --> 00:14:21,032 like a pillow fort. 422 00:14:21,074 --> 00:14:22,659 - Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we should watch alone. 423 00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:24,119 Like in shifts. 424 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,078 - Yeah, I don't want to watch porn alone. 425 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,454 That feels tragic. 426 00:14:26,496 --> 00:14:28,081 - All right, then we'll watch it together. 427 00:14:28,123 --> 00:14:29,332 - Yeah, well that feels creepy. 428 00:14:29,374 --> 00:14:30,709 - John, we're watching porn. 429 00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:32,293 It's either going to be creepy or tragic. 430 00:14:32,335 --> 00:14:33,461 Those are the choices. 431 00:14:33,503 --> 00:14:35,005 - All right, let's go with creepy. 432 00:14:35,046 --> 00:14:36,673 Which one are we starting with? 433 00:14:39,134 --> 00:14:40,176 - How is everything? 434 00:14:40,218 --> 00:14:42,053 - Oh, it's just wonderful. 435 00:14:42,095 --> 00:14:43,263 - Not good, Kev-o. 436 00:14:43,304 --> 00:14:44,931 The word "apple" ain't in here anywhere. 437 00:14:44,973 --> 00:14:46,808 - They allow diagonal, sir. 438 00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:50,020 - Well, they should put that in the goddamn directions! 439 00:14:50,061 --> 00:14:51,062 - I'll tell the chef. 440 00:14:51,104 --> 00:14:52,272 - Yeah. 441 00:14:52,522 --> 00:14:54,566 - Matty, you have to try this crab. 442 00:14:54,607 --> 00:14:55,692 - No, I'm fine. 443 00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:57,027 - Oh, just one bite. It's so delicious. 444 00:14:57,068 --> 00:14:58,319 - I'm fine. I got my own food. 445 00:14:58,361 --> 00:14:59,863 - Just a baby bite. - I don't want any. 446 00:14:59,904 --> 00:15:01,865 - Just try. Just one bite. - Jesus Christ, Susan. 447 00:15:01,906 --> 00:15:03,116 Why is it always so important 448 00:15:03,158 --> 00:15:04,409 that I have some of what you ordered? 449 00:15:04,451 --> 00:15:05,910 - I want you to have some of this 450 00:15:05,952 --> 00:15:07,328 because I think you'll like it. 451 00:15:07,370 --> 00:15:08,455 - Well if I wanted the goddamn crab, 452 00:15:08,496 --> 00:15:09,956 I would have ordered the goddamn crab! 453 00:15:09,998 --> 00:15:11,166 - But in the car on the way home, 454 00:15:11,207 --> 00:15:12,459 I can say, wasn't it good? And you'll know. 455 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:13,960 - For fuck's sake! All right! 456 00:15:14,002 --> 00:15:16,046 - You'll know. - All right! 457 00:15:22,594 --> 00:15:23,762 Oh, goddamn it. 458 00:15:23,803 --> 00:15:24,971 Goddamn it! 459 00:15:25,013 --> 00:15:26,014 That's better than what I ordered! 460 00:15:26,056 --> 00:15:28,224 - You see? I knew you'd like it. 461 00:15:28,266 --> 00:15:29,434 - [mouth full] Shit! 462 00:15:29,476 --> 00:15:30,685 - I can't wait to talk about it later. 463 00:15:30,727 --> 00:15:33,355 I wish we were in the car right now. 464 00:15:33,396 --> 00:15:34,689 - Here. 465 00:15:34,731 --> 00:15:36,816 I got something for you. 466 00:15:36,858 --> 00:15:38,276 - Oh, Matty, what is it? 467 00:15:38,318 --> 00:15:40,070 - Just open it. Be careful. 468 00:15:43,990 --> 00:15:44,991 - A nail? 469 00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:46,034 - Yeah. 470 00:15:46,076 --> 00:15:47,452 Just before you're finished, 471 00:15:47,494 --> 00:15:48,745 put that in what's left of your food 472 00:15:48,787 --> 00:15:50,455 and then "find" it. 473 00:15:50,497 --> 00:15:51,915 Whole night will be comped. 474 00:15:51,956 --> 00:15:53,083 Hey, Kev-o! 475 00:15:53,124 --> 00:15:54,667 - Hi, I'm Brad. 476 00:15:54,709 --> 00:15:56,086 Kevin quit. 477 00:15:57,420 --> 00:15:58,588 - Oh, how about this one? 478 00:15:58,630 --> 00:16:00,590 "Interracial Butt Fest." 479 00:16:00,632 --> 00:16:02,384 Oh, thank you, Dr. King. 480 00:16:02,425 --> 00:16:04,594 - "Anal Screwlympics VIII." 481 00:16:04,636 --> 00:16:06,763 - I didn't see the first seven. I'm not going to understand it. 482 00:16:06,805 --> 00:16:09,724 - Man, this guy's running his own three-legged race. 483 00:16:09,766 --> 00:16:12,185 [laughing] Oh, let's start with this one. 484 00:16:22,362 --> 00:16:23,697 - You sure that's going to work? 485 00:16:23,738 --> 00:16:25,240 - Yeah, I don't know. 486 00:16:25,281 --> 00:16:26,282 But all I'm thinking about right 487 00:16:26,324 --> 00:16:27,450 now is my dead relatives. 488 00:16:27,492 --> 00:16:28,410 - Why? 489 00:16:28,451 --> 00:16:29,494 - Well, Father White once said 490 00:16:29,536 --> 00:16:31,037 that if you ever masturbate, 491 00:16:31,079 --> 00:16:33,123 then all your dead relatives are up in heaven watching you. 492 00:16:33,164 --> 00:16:35,041 - How is that heaven? 493 00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:36,543 - Boy, you know, that is a great point. 494 00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:37,752 - I mean, are they up there like, 495 00:16:37,794 --> 00:16:39,129 "Hey, you want to go to Abe Lincoln's house?" 496 00:16:39,170 --> 00:16:40,255 "Yeah, I'd like to, 497 00:16:40,296 --> 00:16:41,381 "but my nephew is gonna jerk off, 498 00:16:41,423 --> 00:16:42,674 so I got to go watch that." 499 00:16:42,716 --> 00:16:43,758 - OK, so we're fine. 500 00:16:52,225 --> 00:16:53,476 [sultry music on TV] 501 00:16:53,518 --> 00:16:54,894 - [chuckling] All right. 502 00:16:54,936 --> 00:16:56,229 * * 503 00:16:56,271 --> 00:16:57,981 Oh, he's a doctor. 504 00:16:58,023 --> 00:17:00,358 Looks like it's his first day at a new hospital. 505 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,484 - And that's usually the day 506 00:17:01,526 --> 00:17:02,444 you have sex with everyone, right? 507 00:17:02,485 --> 00:17:04,487 - Oh, it sure is, Johnny. 508 00:17:04,529 --> 00:17:05,655 - Whoops. 509 00:17:05,697 --> 00:17:07,407 Oh, looks like all her clothes fell off. 510 00:17:07,449 --> 00:17:10,452 - Oh, here we go. [moaning on TV] 511 00:17:10,493 --> 00:17:12,078 - That's a weird thermometer. 512 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:13,413 Hey, that's funny. 513 00:17:13,455 --> 00:17:14,372 I thought they only took your temperature like that 514 00:17:14,414 --> 00:17:15,415 when you were a baby. 515 00:17:15,457 --> 00:17:16,750 - Yeah, that's-that's not a-- 516 00:17:16,791 --> 00:17:18,209 - He's, like, pulling it in and out. 517 00:17:18,251 --> 00:17:20,253 It's never going to get an accurate reading like that. 518 00:17:20,295 --> 00:17:22,339 [moaning on TV intensifying] 519 00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:24,674 - Oh. Well, I guess herprostate's fine. 520 00:17:24,716 --> 00:17:26,801 [moaning on TV] 521 00:17:26,843 --> 00:17:27,844 [VCR clicks] 522 00:17:27,886 --> 00:17:29,554 [electrical buzzing] 523 00:17:29,596 --> 00:17:31,598 - What happened? - I don't know. 524 00:17:31,639 --> 00:17:32,974 Tape froze. 525 00:17:33,016 --> 00:17:36,144 [electrical buzzing] 526 00:17:37,354 --> 00:17:38,730 [VCR clicking] 527 00:17:38,772 --> 00:17:40,815 - It's stuck. The tape's stuck! 528 00:17:40,857 --> 00:17:42,275 - Oh, shit! 529 00:17:42,317 --> 00:17:43,651 - It's not coming out. What are we going to do? 530 00:17:43,693 --> 00:17:45,278 - All right. Don't panic, don't panic. 531 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,321 - Don't panic? 532 00:17:46,363 --> 00:17:47,447 What the fuck am I supposed to do? 533 00:17:47,489 --> 00:17:48,782 - I just need a second to think. 534 00:17:48,823 --> 00:17:50,283 - No, there is a porno stuck in the fucking VCR! 535 00:17:50,325 --> 00:17:51,284 - Just let me fucking think! - What am I supposed to do? 536 00:17:51,326 --> 00:17:52,285 - Just let me fucking think! 537 00:17:52,327 --> 00:17:54,788 Let me fucking think! 538 00:17:54,829 --> 00:17:56,998 OK, we're going to have to take the machine apart. 539 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,458 - All right. 540 00:18:00,919 --> 00:18:02,837 I can't even open it. There's no screws. 541 00:18:02,879 --> 00:18:03,880 It's just rivets. 542 00:18:03,922 --> 00:18:04,881 - OK, I got it, I got it. 543 00:18:04,923 --> 00:18:06,424 We got to swap out VCRs. 544 00:18:06,466 --> 00:18:08,426 Get rid of this one, replace it with a new one. 545 00:18:08,468 --> 00:18:10,220 - How are we going to find a new VCR tonight? 546 00:18:10,261 --> 00:18:12,138 Even if shit was still open, we got no money. 547 00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:13,598 And anyways, this is an older model. 548 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,975 You probably can't even fucking find it anymore. 549 00:18:16,017 --> 00:18:17,268 - Yes, you can. 550 00:18:17,310 --> 00:18:18,812 The AV room at school! They got one there. 551 00:18:18,853 --> 00:18:20,188 We can go get it tonight. 552 00:18:20,230 --> 00:18:21,981 - Going into school after hours? 553 00:18:22,023 --> 00:18:22,982 Won't that look suspicious? 554 00:18:23,024 --> 00:18:23,983 - There's a game tonight. 555 00:18:24,025 --> 00:18:25,151 The school's open. 556 00:18:25,193 --> 00:18:26,361 We dress like basketball players 557 00:18:26,403 --> 00:18:27,612 and if anyone sees us, 558 00:18:27,654 --> 00:18:29,197 they'll think we're there for the game. 559 00:18:29,239 --> 00:18:31,199 - If we blow this, everybody's going to know we're perverts. 560 00:18:31,241 --> 00:18:32,826 - Jesus. 561 00:18:32,867 --> 00:18:34,869 All this work, and we didn't even get to have an orgasm. 562 00:18:34,911 --> 00:18:36,663 - Yeah, yeah. Right. 563 00:18:36,705 --> 00:18:39,999 Yeah, man, that fucking sucks, both of us... 564 00:18:40,041 --> 00:18:41,376 didn't. 565 00:18:43,169 --> 00:18:44,546 - I just don't understand it. 566 00:18:44,587 --> 00:18:45,797 I mean, we're not under construction. 567 00:18:45,839 --> 00:18:48,008 - Well, you know, the good news is she saw it. 568 00:18:48,049 --> 00:18:49,300 Otherwise... [chuckles] 569 00:18:49,342 --> 00:18:51,386 She could have died. 570 00:18:51,428 --> 00:18:52,679 Right, Susan? 571 00:18:52,721 --> 00:18:54,681 You could have died if you ate a nail. 572 00:18:54,723 --> 00:18:57,809 - I guess I could have died if I ate a nail. 573 00:18:57,851 --> 00:19:00,228 - I am so deeply sorry, Mrs. Bennett. 574 00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:02,522 Of course, your entire evening is comped. 575 00:19:02,564 --> 00:19:04,190 And if there's anything else we can do for you, 576 00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:05,233 please tell us. 577 00:19:05,275 --> 00:19:07,527 - Yeah, you see that old-timey 578 00:19:07,569 --> 00:19:10,238 diver's helmet you got there in the window? 579 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,990 I want you to fill it with shrimp. 580 00:19:18,413 --> 00:19:23,084 - Wasn't the crab good? 581 00:19:23,126 --> 00:19:26,046 [suspenseful music] 582 00:19:26,087 --> 00:19:30,550 * * 583 00:19:30,592 --> 00:19:33,219 - OK, almost got it. 584 00:19:33,261 --> 00:19:34,804 Ah. There we go. 585 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,058 OK, you stay here, I'm going to make sure the coast is clear. 586 00:19:38,099 --> 00:19:39,059 - OK. 587 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,644 [sports organ playing] 588 00:19:41,686 --> 00:19:43,480 [door clangs loudly] - Ice it up, Hampton. 589 00:19:43,521 --> 00:19:44,522 You'll be fine. 590 00:19:44,564 --> 00:19:45,732 - I don't know, Coach. 591 00:19:45,774 --> 00:19:47,359 I think I heard it break. - A little ice. 592 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,069 Best thing for it. 593 00:19:49,110 --> 00:19:50,070 Hey, Bennett! 594 00:19:50,111 --> 00:19:51,279 - Uh, yeah? 595 00:19:51,321 --> 00:19:52,739 - We're a man down. Get in there! 596 00:19:52,781 --> 00:19:54,491 No forfeit! We got a player! [whistle blows] 597 00:19:54,532 --> 00:19:55,825 - Actually, Coach, you know I'm not-- 598 00:19:55,867 --> 00:19:58,244 - Now, Bennett! We got a game to win! 599 00:19:58,286 --> 00:20:02,123 [crowd cheering] 600 00:20:02,165 --> 00:20:04,084 [buzzer blares, crowd roaring] 601 00:20:04,125 --> 00:20:06,336 - Ain't so fucking hard. 602 00:20:06,378 --> 00:20:07,879 Let's get the hell out of here. 603 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,469 - Jesus. What a night, huh? 604 00:20:16,096 --> 00:20:18,264 - Matty. 605 00:20:18,306 --> 00:20:20,392 What you did there was a sin. 606 00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:21,685 You lied to them. 607 00:20:21,726 --> 00:20:23,770 - Ah, they lied to us first. 608 00:20:23,812 --> 00:20:25,897 Goddamn steak doesn't cost 24 bucks. 609 00:20:25,939 --> 00:20:27,315 We're even. 610 00:20:27,357 --> 00:20:30,151 And the best part is I didn't even have to use this. 611 00:20:30,193 --> 00:20:31,736 - What is that? 612 00:20:31,778 --> 00:20:34,114 - A coupon for one free meal at Chuck's Steak House. 613 00:20:34,155 --> 00:20:37,992 So all in, we get three free dinners for the price of one. 614 00:20:38,034 --> 00:20:40,328 - Is that why you wanted to go out to dinner? 615 00:20:40,370 --> 00:20:41,830 Because you had a coupon? 616 00:20:41,871 --> 00:20:45,375 - I had a beautiful woman on my arm and I spent no money. 617 00:20:45,417 --> 00:20:46,668 A perfect evening. 618 00:20:46,710 --> 00:20:48,461 Andthe activity book! 619 00:20:48,503 --> 00:20:49,629 Hey, Johnny! 620 00:20:49,671 --> 00:20:53,049 Your old man solved a maze tonight! 621 00:20:53,091 --> 00:20:54,175 It's Friday night. 622 00:20:54,217 --> 00:20:55,176 He's probably at the basketball game. 623 00:20:55,218 --> 00:20:56,136 You're going up? 624 00:20:56,177 --> 00:20:57,637 - Uh, no. 625 00:20:57,679 --> 00:20:59,973 I think I'll stay up for a while and watch TV. 626 00:21:00,015 --> 00:21:00,974 - Suit yourself. 627 00:21:01,016 --> 00:21:02,267 Mwah! 628 00:21:02,308 --> 00:21:04,519 I'm going to roll around in bed and try to burp. 629 00:21:04,561 --> 00:21:06,730 [Susan sighs] 630 00:21:15,363 --> 00:21:16,322 [Susan sighs] 631 00:21:16,364 --> 00:21:17,449 [VCR whirring] 632 00:21:17,490 --> 00:21:19,075 [sultry music on TV] 633 00:21:19,117 --> 00:21:22,037 [intense moaning on TV] 634 00:21:22,078 --> 00:21:28,460 * * 635 00:21:28,501 --> 00:21:30,170 - Oh-- 636 00:21:30,211 --> 00:21:33,173 [moaning on TV] 637 00:21:33,214 --> 00:21:40,221 * * 638 00:21:40,263 --> 00:21:43,808 [moaning on TV intensifying] 639 00:21:43,850 --> 00:21:46,311 - Oh, yeah! - Yes! 640 00:21:46,353 --> 00:21:47,687 - [inhales sharply] 641 00:21:47,729 --> 00:21:49,522 - Oh, my God! [both moaning] 642 00:21:49,564 --> 00:21:52,734 - [snoring] 643 00:22:05,330 --> 00:22:06,956 [Matty farts] - Hey. 644 00:22:06,998 --> 00:22:09,334 Knock it off. 645 00:22:09,376 --> 00:22:11,586 [snoring] 646 00:22:11,628 --> 00:22:14,089 [Susan sighs] 647 00:22:14,130 --> 00:22:15,715 [suspenseful music] 648 00:22:15,757 --> 00:22:17,425 - You know, I just realized we probably 649 00:22:17,467 --> 00:22:19,552 could have just dressed like ourselves going to the game. 650 00:22:19,594 --> 00:22:21,388 - Hey, shh! The lights are out. 651 00:22:21,429 --> 00:22:24,349 Mom and Dad must be asleep. 652 00:22:24,391 --> 00:22:26,935 All right, I'll swap it out. You make sure no one's coming. 653 00:22:26,976 --> 00:22:28,228 - Right. 654 00:22:28,269 --> 00:22:34,401 * * 655 00:22:34,442 --> 00:22:35,735 - All right, it's done. 656 00:22:35,777 --> 00:22:38,113 - Not quite. We still got to get that tape out. 657 00:22:42,033 --> 00:22:44,202 [suspenseful musical crescendo] 658 00:22:45,328 --> 00:22:46,413 - The fuck? 659 00:22:46,454 --> 00:22:50,125 - Oh, shit. - It's gone! 660 00:22:55,005 --> 00:22:56,256 - OK, let's- let's just calm down here. 661 00:22:56,297 --> 00:22:57,924 - What do you mean calm down? The tape's gone! 662 00:22:57,966 --> 00:23:00,510 - It can't just be gone. It's got to be somewhere. 663 00:23:00,552 --> 00:23:02,470 - Oh, shit. 664 00:23:02,512 --> 00:23:04,431 Ah shit. - What, what, what? 665 00:23:04,472 --> 00:23:05,598 - Somebody found it. 666 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,142 Somebody found it and they took it. 667 00:23:07,183 --> 00:23:09,269 - Oh, shit. 668 00:23:09,310 --> 00:23:12,439 OK, tomorrow, when everyone's out, we search the house. 669 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:13,523 - What if we don't find it? 670 00:23:13,565 --> 00:23:14,733 - Then we'll have to 671 00:23:14,774 --> 00:23:16,109 rent the same movie from another store 672 00:23:16,151 --> 00:23:17,736 and return it to the first store 673 00:23:17,777 --> 00:23:19,612 and we'll have to do that every three days 674 00:23:19,654 --> 00:23:20,780 until the end of time. 675 00:23:20,822 --> 00:23:22,115 - Oh, my God. 676 00:23:22,157 --> 00:23:25,410 - Yeah. Like a Pornzi scheme. 677 00:23:25,452 --> 00:23:27,078 [laughter] 678 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:30,165 Yeah, we're in trouble, but we can still have fun with words. 679 00:23:54,689 --> 00:23:57,776 [bell tolling] 680 00:24:04,491 --> 00:24:07,243 - Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. 681 00:24:09,412 --> 00:24:10,747 - Hello, Susan. 682 00:24:10,789 --> 00:24:12,957 - Oh, dear. 683 00:24:12,999 --> 00:24:15,126 I wish you'd close it this time. 684 00:24:15,168 --> 00:24:17,670 - We're all sinners in God's eyes. 685 00:24:17,712 --> 00:24:20,924 - Well... 686 00:24:20,965 --> 00:24:23,760 I saw a porno, Father. 687 00:24:23,802 --> 00:24:25,387 - Oh. 688 00:24:25,428 --> 00:24:28,640 And how did you come to see this, Susan? 689 00:24:28,682 --> 00:24:31,267 - Matty left it in the VCR. 690 00:24:31,309 --> 00:24:33,812 Earlier that night, we went out to dinner. 691 00:24:33,853 --> 00:24:35,105 And I thought he was 692 00:24:35,146 --> 00:24:37,232 taking me out for a romantic evening 693 00:24:37,273 --> 00:24:41,152 just the two of us, so I got all dressed up. 694 00:24:41,194 --> 00:24:43,947 And he didn't even notice. 695 00:24:43,988 --> 00:24:47,409 And then I found out that he had a coupon. 696 00:24:47,450 --> 00:24:51,746 And that's why he wanted to go out. 697 00:24:51,788 --> 00:24:54,708 And Father, maybe... 698 00:24:54,749 --> 00:24:57,419 I'm not what he wants anymore. 699 00:24:57,460 --> 00:25:01,423 - Susan, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that. 700 00:25:01,464 --> 00:25:04,926 Husbands and wives have different sensibilities. 701 00:25:04,968 --> 00:25:06,553 There's a reason the Lord made it 702 00:25:06,594 --> 00:25:10,140 so that a man can masturbate and a woman cannot. 703 00:25:10,181 --> 00:25:11,891 - W-well, that's true. 704 00:25:11,933 --> 00:25:13,601 - And as for what you saw, 705 00:25:13,643 --> 00:25:16,438 God understands that you didn't seek it out. 706 00:25:16,479 --> 00:25:19,149 And as long as the man and the woman in the film 707 00:25:19,190 --> 00:25:22,068 are married and not using birth control, 708 00:25:22,110 --> 00:25:23,945 I don't think you have anything to worry about. 709 00:25:23,987 --> 00:25:27,949 - It wasn't just a man and a woman. 710 00:25:27,991 --> 00:25:31,619 There-there was another woman, too. 711 00:25:31,661 --> 00:25:33,121 - I see. 712 00:25:33,163 --> 00:25:36,166 - Although she wasn't really participating. 713 00:25:36,207 --> 00:25:40,712 She was just sort of choking the other girl. 714 00:25:40,754 --> 00:25:43,131 - Well, Matty is your husband. 715 00:25:43,173 --> 00:25:44,883 And if one of you is bored in the marriage, 716 00:25:44,924 --> 00:25:46,634 then the other may wish to consider 717 00:25:46,676 --> 00:25:50,638 how to address that and ways to make things more exciting. 718 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:56,061 Remember, nothing is wrong if you don't enjoy it too much. 719 00:25:56,102 --> 00:25:58,813 - Well, I could certainly try. 720 00:25:58,855 --> 00:26:01,399 - Good, good. 721 00:26:01,441 --> 00:26:05,445 So the choking, was she upset by it? 722 00:26:05,487 --> 00:26:07,822 - Or-- - I should probably get home. 723 00:26:07,864 --> 00:26:10,283 - All right. To be continued. 724 00:26:11,701 --> 00:26:14,662 [quirky suspenseful music] 725 00:26:14,704 --> 00:26:19,667 * * 726 00:26:19,709 --> 00:26:20,960 - No. 727 00:26:21,002 --> 00:26:22,879 * * 728 00:26:22,921 --> 00:26:24,506 - Johnny! 729 00:26:24,547 --> 00:26:25,340 Johnny, I found it. 730 00:26:25,382 --> 00:26:27,258 - Oh, fuck. Thank God. 731 00:26:27,300 --> 00:26:29,094 - I know. I just saved us bucks. 732 00:26:29,135 --> 00:26:31,054 - Wait, where was it? 733 00:26:31,096 --> 00:26:32,889 - Well, it was, uh-- 734 00:26:32,931 --> 00:26:34,683 it was in Susan's underwear drawer. 735 00:26:34,724 --> 00:26:36,267 - What? 736 00:26:36,309 --> 00:26:37,894 - Yeah, it was behind the ones with the pineapples on it. 737 00:26:37,936 --> 00:26:39,396 - No, no, no! I don't want to hear about my mom's underpants. 738 00:26:39,437 --> 00:26:41,523 - Oh, but her diarrhea you bring up at the drop of a hat. 739 00:26:41,564 --> 00:26:44,859 - Teddy, do you know what this means? 740 00:26:44,901 --> 00:26:47,028 Mom found "Genital Hospital." 741 00:26:47,070 --> 00:26:49,030 She knows I watch porn! 742 00:26:49,072 --> 00:26:50,365 - Oh, boy. It looks that way. 743 00:26:50,407 --> 00:26:52,450 - I can never face her again. 744 00:26:52,492 --> 00:26:54,577 We have to run away, never to return. 745 00:26:54,619 --> 00:26:55,995 - I see no other option. 746 00:26:56,037 --> 00:26:58,331 - I'm going to miss this house. 747 00:26:58,373 --> 00:27:00,291 Goodbye, water-stained ceilings. 748 00:27:00,333 --> 00:27:03,378 - Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way. 749 00:27:03,420 --> 00:27:05,130 - Goodbye, windows painted shut. 750 00:27:05,171 --> 00:27:07,799 - Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close. 751 00:27:07,841 --> 00:27:10,969 - Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper. 752 00:27:11,011 --> 00:27:13,221 - Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry. 753 00:27:13,263 --> 00:27:15,265 - Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition. 754 00:27:15,306 --> 00:27:18,143 - Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it. 755 00:27:18,184 --> 00:27:20,645 - Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago. 756 00:27:20,687 --> 00:27:23,565 - Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags. 757 00:27:23,606 --> 00:27:26,234 - Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner. 758 00:27:26,276 --> 00:27:27,736 - Jesus, let's get the fuck out of here. 759 00:27:27,777 --> 00:27:29,195 - Yeah, no shit. 760 00:27:34,659 --> 00:27:35,702 - We sure would like it 761 00:27:35,744 --> 00:27:38,705 if you'd help us with our problem. 762 00:27:38,747 --> 00:27:40,290 - Only problem you've got, Sheriff, 763 00:27:40,331 --> 00:27:42,417 is a short supply of guts. 764 00:27:42,459 --> 00:27:45,253 You people don't need me. 765 00:27:45,879 --> 00:27:49,049 Look, place at least a couple good riflemen 766 00:27:49,090 --> 00:27:51,718 on top of that building up there. 767 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:53,803 Maybe a couple more with shotguns down 768 00:27:53,845 --> 00:27:55,263 behind green bags over there. 769 00:27:55,305 --> 00:27:57,557 - What you watching? 770 00:27:57,599 --> 00:27:59,601 - "High Plains Drifter." 771 00:27:59,642 --> 00:28:01,311 It's Clint Eastwood week. 772 00:28:01,353 --> 00:28:02,520 - Oh. 773 00:28:02,562 --> 00:28:03,813 What's it about? 774 00:28:03,855 --> 00:28:05,648 - Oh, he's a cowboy. 775 00:28:05,690 --> 00:28:08,068 But at the end, you realize he's a ghost. 776 00:28:08,109 --> 00:28:09,611 But he can still shoot a gun, 777 00:28:09,652 --> 00:28:12,238 so, you know, not like-- he's not like a real ghost. 778 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,366 - Matty, honey, 779 00:28:14,407 --> 00:28:16,326 can we talk about that movie 780 00:28:16,368 --> 00:28:19,496 that you were watching yesterday? 781 00:28:19,537 --> 00:28:21,289 - I can't remember what it was. 782 00:28:21,331 --> 00:28:23,208 They're all kind of the same movie. 783 00:28:23,249 --> 00:28:26,711 - Are you entertained by them? 784 00:28:26,753 --> 00:28:29,798 - I'm a guy. I mean, all guys like 'em. 785 00:28:29,839 --> 00:28:32,717 - Is that what you want? 786 00:28:32,759 --> 00:28:34,552 What you see in those movies? 787 00:28:34,594 --> 00:28:37,389 - God no. I just--I just watch 'em. 788 00:28:37,430 --> 00:28:41,267 - Well is there one you like best? 789 00:28:41,309 --> 00:28:43,520 - I like "Every Which Way But Loose." 790 00:28:43,561 --> 00:28:44,604 - Oh. 791 00:28:44,646 --> 00:28:46,189 - Yeah, that one's crazy. 792 00:28:46,231 --> 00:28:48,400 There's a monkey that gives everybody the finger. 793 00:28:48,441 --> 00:28:49,984 [Matty chuckles] - Oh. 794 00:28:50,026 --> 00:28:52,529 - Yeah, I'd love to see that. 795 00:28:52,570 --> 00:28:53,697 - Wow. 796 00:28:54,197 --> 00:28:57,534 It is getting hot in here. 797 00:28:59,577 --> 00:29:01,621 Powerful hot. 798 00:29:01,663 --> 00:29:03,039 - We can't run the air conditioner. 799 00:29:03,081 --> 00:29:04,499 Found a dead bird in it. 800 00:29:04,541 --> 00:29:06,334 Repair guy says we got to wait till its guts dry out 801 00:29:06,376 --> 00:29:08,128 before we run the unit again. 802 00:29:08,169 --> 00:29:10,797 - Well I wouldn't know about that. 803 00:29:10,839 --> 00:29:12,799 I'm just a girl. 804 00:29:38,158 --> 00:29:40,118 - What are you doing? 805 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,703 - I wanted a banana. 806 00:29:41,745 --> 00:29:42,746 - Well, then eat it. 807 00:29:42,787 --> 00:29:44,205 Why the hell are you staring at me? 808 00:29:44,247 --> 00:29:46,207 - Because... 809 00:29:46,249 --> 00:29:48,460 I've been bad. 810 00:29:48,501 --> 00:29:49,836 - What do you mean you've been bad? 811 00:29:49,878 --> 00:29:50,879 You-- 812 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,047 oh, Jesus Christ, Susan. 813 00:29:52,088 --> 00:29:53,548 Is that the last one? 814 00:29:53,590 --> 00:29:54,799 God damn it! 815 00:29:54,841 --> 00:29:57,177 Now what am I supposed to have for my snack? 816 00:29:57,218 --> 00:29:59,179 [Matty groans] 817 00:29:59,220 --> 00:30:00,388 Oh! Oh great, Susan! 818 00:30:00,430 --> 00:30:02,140 A Pringles can with one left! 819 00:30:02,182 --> 00:30:03,975 That'll be satisfying! 820 00:30:04,017 --> 00:30:05,060 Ow! 821 00:30:05,101 --> 00:30:06,811 Fucking lamp shocked me again! 822 00:30:08,646 --> 00:30:10,523 [knock at door] 823 00:30:10,565 --> 00:30:11,733 - Yeah? 824 00:30:14,027 --> 00:30:15,403 Aunt Suze, what's up? 825 00:30:15,445 --> 00:30:17,447 - Blaire, can I talk to you for a minute? 826 00:30:17,489 --> 00:30:19,574 - Sure. Yeah, come on in. 827 00:30:22,994 --> 00:30:26,748 What, uh, what's the matter? 828 00:30:26,790 --> 00:30:28,500 - Well... 829 00:30:28,541 --> 00:30:32,796 last night, Matty and I went out to dinner. 830 00:30:32,837 --> 00:30:34,839 I got all dressed up. 831 00:30:34,881 --> 00:30:39,094 I rubbed on a Clinique sampler from Redbook. 832 00:30:39,135 --> 00:30:41,596 I don't even think he noticed. 833 00:30:41,638 --> 00:30:47,268 And then when we got home, I turned on the TV. 834 00:30:47,310 --> 00:30:51,648 And I found... 835 00:30:51,690 --> 00:30:54,192 - What? 836 00:30:54,234 --> 00:30:57,195 - A porn. 837 00:30:57,237 --> 00:30:58,446 - Oh. 838 00:30:58,488 --> 00:31:01,950 - I think Matty's been watching porns. 839 00:31:01,991 --> 00:31:03,159 - Right. 840 00:31:03,201 --> 00:31:05,787 - Do you think maybe he-- 841 00:31:05,829 --> 00:31:08,832 doesn't think I'm exciting anymore? 842 00:31:08,873 --> 00:31:10,458 Am I a disappointment? 843 00:31:10,500 --> 00:31:12,335 - No, absolutely not, Aunt Suze. 844 00:31:12,377 --> 00:31:13,795 Listen to me. 845 00:31:13,837 --> 00:31:17,382 You are probably the most wonderful person that I know. 846 00:31:17,424 --> 00:31:20,260 - But if that's what he wants, what can I do? 847 00:31:20,301 --> 00:31:22,303 I don't want to have to choke other women. 848 00:31:22,345 --> 00:31:23,638 - Yeah, I don't think you need to. 849 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:25,724 - But I'll do it if that's what Matty wants. 850 00:31:25,765 --> 00:31:26,683 - No, let's not go down that route. 851 00:31:26,725 --> 00:31:28,476 - I'll do what those women did. 852 00:31:28,518 --> 00:31:29,936 - I really don't think that's necessary. 853 00:31:29,978 --> 00:31:32,313 - I-I-I'll even do what Dr. Sausage did in that movie. 854 00:31:32,355 --> 00:31:33,314 I'll do it. - OK-- 855 00:31:33,356 --> 00:31:34,983 - I'll do it. - Stop. 856 00:31:35,025 --> 00:31:36,151 Look. 857 00:31:36,192 --> 00:31:40,113 This is difficult for me to say, but, um, 858 00:31:40,155 --> 00:31:44,075 the tape you found... 859 00:31:44,117 --> 00:31:46,077 it's mine. 860 00:31:46,119 --> 00:31:47,078 - What? 861 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:48,288 - I'm sorry. 862 00:31:48,329 --> 00:31:49,914 I apologize for being so careless. 863 00:31:49,956 --> 00:31:52,167 I never should have left it in the VCR. 864 00:31:52,208 --> 00:31:53,168 It was stupid. 865 00:31:53,209 --> 00:31:54,753 - So it's not Matty's? 866 00:31:54,794 --> 00:31:56,254 - No, it's not. 867 00:31:56,296 --> 00:31:57,464 [Susan gasps] 868 00:31:57,505 --> 00:32:01,343 - Oh! Oh, my God! 869 00:32:01,384 --> 00:32:03,887 Oh, I'm so relieved! - Good. 870 00:32:03,928 --> 00:32:07,182 - I thought Matty was bored with me. 871 00:32:07,223 --> 00:32:08,641 Oh, Blaire. 872 00:32:08,683 --> 00:32:10,977 I--ew. 873 00:32:11,019 --> 00:32:13,104 Why did you have a porn? 874 00:32:13,146 --> 00:32:15,231 - I would say a porn-o. 875 00:32:15,273 --> 00:32:16,983 Just hits the ear better. 876 00:32:17,025 --> 00:32:18,943 - Why were you watching porn-o? 877 00:32:18,985 --> 00:32:22,530 - Well, OK, in that context, you'd say porn. 878 00:32:22,572 --> 00:32:24,991 See, if there's an article in front of it like an "a" 879 00:32:25,033 --> 00:32:27,243 or a "the," it's aporno. 880 00:32:27,285 --> 00:32:30,747 But if not, it's just porn. 881 00:32:31,456 --> 00:32:33,375 - I'm just not going to say it anymore. 882 00:32:33,416 --> 00:32:38,004 - OK. Look, to answer your question, it... 883 00:32:38,046 --> 00:32:40,256 it was a sorority thing. 884 00:32:40,298 --> 00:32:41,633 We rented a dirty movie. 885 00:32:41,675 --> 00:32:43,927 It was-- you know how sororities are. 886 00:32:43,968 --> 00:32:45,637 It's like a prank. 887 00:32:45,679 --> 00:32:48,306 - Oh! Oh, it was a prank. 888 00:32:48,348 --> 00:32:50,517 - Yeah. - Oh! 889 00:32:50,558 --> 00:32:53,603 So Matty and I are just fine! 890 00:32:53,645 --> 00:32:56,356 - I would say this one thing isn't a problem. 891 00:32:56,398 --> 00:32:59,234 But it's-- 892 00:32:59,275 --> 00:33:01,528 well, I'd call it a work in progress. 893 00:33:01,569 --> 00:33:05,824 And for the record, Aunt Suze, 894 00:33:05,865 --> 00:33:09,869 I don't think anybody ever could be bored with you. 895 00:33:09,911 --> 00:33:12,664 Matty is not great at communication. 896 00:33:12,706 --> 00:33:15,750 But unless he's completely blind or insane, 897 00:33:15,792 --> 00:33:19,254 I bet he still loves you a whole lot. 898 00:33:19,295 --> 00:33:21,214 - Come here. - Mm. 899 00:33:21,256 --> 00:33:22,424 - Aw. 900 00:33:25,844 --> 00:33:29,806 I hope one day, you'll find yourMatty. 901 00:33:29,848 --> 00:33:32,600 - Oh, that's-- 902 00:33:32,642 --> 00:33:33,935 I'm going to be just fine. 903 00:33:33,977 --> 00:33:34,894 - Let's pray. 904 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:40,400 ["Amazing Grace" on harmonica] 905 00:33:40,442 --> 00:33:47,574 * * 906 00:33:53,830 --> 00:33:55,415 - Where are we going to go, Teddy? 907 00:33:55,457 --> 00:33:57,125 - I was thinking Saudi Arabia. 908 00:33:57,167 --> 00:33:59,961 I hear nobody's ashamed to masturbate there. 909 00:34:00,003 --> 00:34:01,838 - What do you think they're doing back at the house? 910 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,258 - Probably the same thing we're doing but with a table. 911 00:34:05,300 --> 00:34:06,801 - God. 912 00:34:06,843 --> 00:34:09,763 We watched six seconds of porn and it ruined our lives. 913 00:34:09,804 --> 00:34:11,473 - Relax, losers. 914 00:34:11,514 --> 00:34:13,641 Your lives aren't ruined. 915 00:34:13,683 --> 00:34:14,434 Yet. 916 00:34:14,476 --> 00:34:15,769 - Blaire. 917 00:34:15,810 --> 00:34:17,312 Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes, you are. 918 00:34:17,354 --> 00:34:19,064 Good Lord, look how you've grown. 919 00:34:19,105 --> 00:34:20,190 - How'd you find us? 920 00:34:20,231 --> 00:34:22,942 - Uh, harmonica music really carries. 921 00:34:22,984 --> 00:34:25,987 Listen, uh, you don't have to worry about the porno, 922 00:34:26,029 --> 00:34:26,988 all right? 923 00:34:27,030 --> 00:34:28,239 I took the heat for you. 924 00:34:28,281 --> 00:34:29,574 - What? 925 00:34:29,616 --> 00:34:31,951 - I told Aunt Suze that the tape was mine. 926 00:34:31,993 --> 00:34:33,036 You can come home now. 927 00:34:33,078 --> 00:34:36,664 - Blaire, you-- you did that for us? 928 00:34:36,706 --> 00:34:39,751 - Uh, no. I really did it for Susan. 929 00:34:39,793 --> 00:34:41,920 She was upset enough because she thought it was Matty's. 930 00:34:41,961 --> 00:34:44,839 If she found out it was yours, she'd probably cry for a year. 931 00:34:44,881 --> 00:34:47,717 - Jesus Christ, Blaire. Thank you so much. 932 00:34:47,759 --> 00:34:48,593 - Yeah. 933 00:34:48,635 --> 00:34:50,011 - We really owe you big time. 934 00:34:50,053 --> 00:34:51,471 - Oh, yeah, you do. 935 00:34:51,513 --> 00:34:53,682 Now, put out your dumb fire and let's get out of here. 936 00:34:53,723 --> 00:34:55,975 - I love that plan. Because you know what? 937 00:34:56,017 --> 00:34:57,686 We got a porno to return. 938 00:34:57,727 --> 00:34:59,187 - And I'll tell you one thing. 939 00:34:59,229 --> 00:35:01,022 I would never watch porn again. 940 00:35:01,064 --> 00:35:03,316 Even if it was everywhere, all the time. 941 00:35:03,358 --> 00:35:05,527 Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket 942 00:35:05,568 --> 00:35:06,861 that would give it to me whenever I wanted 943 00:35:06,903 --> 00:35:08,613 so I could jerk off at a moment's notice. 944 00:35:08,655 --> 00:35:10,448 No. Never again. 945 00:35:10,490 --> 00:35:12,867 [swelling orchestral music] 946 00:35:12,909 --> 00:35:15,620 narrator: John kept his promise. 947 00:35:15,662 --> 00:35:17,455 For the next two years. 948 00:35:17,497 --> 00:35:21,418 Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, 949 00:35:21,459 --> 00:35:23,753 he pulled on his penis so hard, 950 00:35:23,795 --> 00:35:26,131 it damn near came off. 951 00:35:26,172 --> 00:35:27,215 That didn't deter him 952 00:35:27,257 --> 00:35:29,843 from masturbating four more times 953 00:35:29,884 --> 00:35:32,387 before going to a local urgent care, 954 00:35:32,429 --> 00:35:33,805 where he waited eight hours 955 00:35:33,847 --> 00:35:36,182 in line behind dozens of other men 956 00:35:36,224 --> 00:35:38,768 who had also nearly pulled their penises off 957 00:35:38,810 --> 00:35:41,062 after discovering the internet. 958 00:35:41,104 --> 00:35:44,190 And now, today, anyone you talk to 959 00:35:44,232 --> 00:35:47,402 has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. 960 00:35:47,444 --> 00:35:49,195 This is Ian McKellen, 961 00:35:49,237 --> 00:35:53,241 reminding you: don't shake anyone's hand. 962 00:35:53,283 --> 00:35:55,243 Good night. 963 00:35:55,285 --> 00:35:57,787 * * 964 00:36:01,791 --> 00:36:04,461 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 965 00:36:04,502 --> 00:36:08,840 - * Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful * 966 00:36:08,882 --> 00:36:12,093 * And yet, alas, that someone adores you * 967 00:36:12,135 --> 00:36:13,636 * * 968 00:36:13,678 --> 00:36:17,390 * Everybody needs a best friend * 969 00:36:17,432 --> 00:36:19,893 * I'm happy I'm yours * 970 00:36:19,934 --> 00:36:23,396 * I'm just a clown * 971 00:36:23,438 --> 00:36:26,858 * And I'll bring you down * 972 00:36:26,900 --> 00:36:32,947 * But you just don't care 'cause your * 973 00:36:32,989 --> 00:36:34,991 * Best friend is me * 974 00:36:35,033 --> 00:36:41,956 * *