1 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:10,181 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,223 --> 00:00:12,892 * * 3 00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:14,394 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,436 --> 00:00:16,312 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,354 --> 00:00:19,441 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:23,069 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,111 --> 00:00:25,822 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,824 --> 00:00:30,744 [upbeat music] 9 00:00:30,785 --> 00:00:34,748 * * 10 00:00:34,789 --> 00:00:37,292 - The other night I was out at a basketball game 11 00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:39,210 with my whole family. - Right. 12 00:00:39,252 --> 00:00:42,047 - And I only asked this guy in front of me to just sit down 13 00:00:42,088 --> 00:00:46,009 a bit so I could see, and he beat me unmercifully. 14 00:00:46,051 --> 00:00:49,763 He beat me very badly and my hairpiece fell off. 15 00:00:49,804 --> 00:00:51,222 [laughter] 16 00:00:51,264 --> 00:00:52,307 And it was awful, because when he beat me, 17 00:00:52,349 --> 00:00:54,517 my teeth were also in my hairpiece. 18 00:00:54,559 --> 00:00:55,685 [laughter] 19 00:00:55,727 --> 00:00:57,020 - Oh, man. 20 00:00:57,062 --> 00:00:58,480 The Jerky Boys are like the greatest 21 00:00:58,521 --> 00:00:59,647 living comedy geniuses. 22 00:00:59,689 --> 00:01:01,024 - I know. 23 00:01:01,066 --> 00:01:02,734 It's like the telephone was just 24 00:01:02,776 --> 00:01:04,569 sitting there for 100 years and it took these two guys-- 25 00:01:04,611 --> 00:01:05,820 both: To figure out what it was for. 26 00:01:05,862 --> 00:01:08,073 - See, yeah, you understand. You understand. 27 00:01:08,114 --> 00:01:10,742 - All right. I gotta take a leak. 28 00:01:10,784 --> 00:01:11,743 Oh, shit. 29 00:01:11,785 --> 00:01:12,744 - Oh, fuck. 30 00:01:12,786 --> 00:01:14,329 Clive, 2 o'clock. 31 00:01:14,371 --> 00:01:15,747 He follows you in there, you're a dead man. 32 00:01:15,789 --> 00:01:16,748 - This is bad. 33 00:01:16,790 --> 00:01:18,208 I really got to go. 34 00:01:18,249 --> 00:01:19,584 You saw me down that Capri Sun at lunch. 35 00:01:19,626 --> 00:01:20,752 - I know. You were sucking that straw 36 00:01:20,794 --> 00:01:22,420 like it promised you a modeling contract. 37 00:01:22,462 --> 00:01:23,630 But Johnny, you got to hold it. 38 00:01:23,672 --> 00:01:24,839 - It's not safe to hold your pee. 39 00:01:24,881 --> 00:01:25,882 - You got to do it, man. 40 00:01:25,924 --> 00:01:27,258 Just think about baseball. 41 00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:28,593 - That's not how it works. 42 00:01:28,635 --> 00:01:30,095 - Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom 43 00:01:30,136 --> 00:01:31,596 naked on a weekend. 44 00:01:31,638 --> 00:01:32,722 - What the fuck? 45 00:01:32,764 --> 00:01:34,057 - With his hog hanging out of his robe 46 00:01:34,099 --> 00:01:36,184 waving like a bat sleeping through an earthquake. 47 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,477 - Shut the fuck up, all right? 48 00:01:37,519 --> 00:01:39,270 Just follow me in there and stand guard. 49 00:01:39,312 --> 00:01:40,939 - All right. 50 00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:43,942 [sneaky music] 51 00:01:43,983 --> 00:01:50,907 * * 52 00:01:55,036 --> 00:01:56,162 All right, go on, get to peeing. 53 00:01:56,204 --> 00:01:57,080 - All right, just watch the door. 54 00:01:57,122 --> 00:01:58,623 - OK. 55 00:02:00,625 --> 00:02:03,044 - Shit. - Go on, hurry up. 56 00:02:03,086 --> 00:02:04,295 - I can't, all right? 57 00:02:04,337 --> 00:02:05,630 There's another guy in here and I'm pee shy. 58 00:02:05,672 --> 00:02:07,590 - Jesus Christ. Hey dude, do you mind? 59 00:02:07,632 --> 00:02:08,967 My buddy's self conscious. 60 00:02:09,009 --> 00:02:10,260 - Yeah, I thought he might be having some trouble 61 00:02:10,301 --> 00:02:11,970 when I didn't hear anything. 62 00:02:12,012 --> 00:02:15,348 I just want you to know, you take all the time you need to. 63 00:02:15,390 --> 00:02:17,350 I won't judge. 64 00:02:22,731 --> 00:02:24,691 - Oh, here we go. 65 00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:26,067 Thank you. 66 00:02:26,109 --> 00:02:29,154 - That is all the thanks I need. 67 00:02:29,195 --> 00:02:31,156 [urinal whooshes] 68 00:02:31,197 --> 00:02:32,699 - Wait. 69 00:02:33,992 --> 00:02:35,702 Jesus? 70 00:02:38,872 --> 00:02:39,956 All right. It's OK. 71 00:02:39,998 --> 00:02:42,500 Everything's going to be OK. 72 00:02:42,542 --> 00:02:44,044 - Oh shit, he's here. Wrap it up. 73 00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:45,045 - That's not how it works. 74 00:02:45,086 --> 00:02:46,254 - Hey, look who's here. 75 00:02:46,296 --> 00:02:47,672 It's Bennett. 76 00:02:47,714 --> 00:02:49,883 And he's got his little boyfriend with him. 77 00:02:49,924 --> 00:02:51,217 [laughter] 78 00:02:51,259 --> 00:02:53,511 - All right, Clive, what if I am his boyfriend? 79 00:02:53,553 --> 00:02:55,388 What if we are having an affair? 80 00:02:55,430 --> 00:02:58,975 I can satisfy him in a way you never could. 81 00:02:59,017 --> 00:03:00,560 Oof! 82 00:03:00,602 --> 00:03:01,936 - Better be careful, Bennett. 83 00:03:01,978 --> 00:03:03,855 You wouldn't want to slip! 84 00:03:03,897 --> 00:03:04,939 Yeah. 85 00:03:04,981 --> 00:03:06,149 - Nice going, Bennett. 86 00:03:06,191 --> 00:03:07,359 Pee much? 87 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,611 [laughter] 88 00:03:09,652 --> 00:03:12,364 - Why don't you go ask your mother's face? 89 00:03:12,405 --> 00:03:14,366 Oh Jesus, I am so sorry. 90 00:03:14,407 --> 00:03:16,534 That was so over the line. 91 00:03:16,576 --> 00:03:18,536 - What the fuck, dude? That's sick. 92 00:03:18,578 --> 00:03:20,288 - It was out of my mouth before I knew what it was. 93 00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:21,915 Kind of like your mother. 94 00:03:21,956 --> 00:03:23,291 - Oh, my God, what is wrong with me? 95 00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,626 I am so sorry. 96 00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,961 I deserve what's about to happen to me. 97 00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:28,254 - Yeah, no shit. 98 00:03:28,296 --> 00:03:30,548 [laughter] 99 00:03:30,590 --> 00:03:32,133 Drink up, asshole. - Oh shit. 100 00:03:32,175 --> 00:03:33,259 Wait, no, not the toilet. 101 00:03:33,301 --> 00:03:34,469 I'm not supposed to get wet. 102 00:03:34,511 --> 00:03:36,304 It said so on my tag! 103 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,723 [toilet flushing] 104 00:03:38,765 --> 00:03:41,601 [laughter] 105 00:03:41,643 --> 00:03:44,771 - Teddy. 106 00:03:44,813 --> 00:03:46,314 Teddy? 107 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:48,149 - Well, the joke's on us, Johnny. 108 00:03:48,191 --> 00:03:49,651 Pipes don't go anywhere. 109 00:03:49,693 --> 00:03:52,904 The kids are just flushing them back and forth all day. 110 00:03:52,946 --> 00:03:54,531 Yuck. 111 00:03:54,572 --> 00:03:57,075 - If you have a problem, if no one else can help, 112 00:03:57,117 --> 00:04:00,370 and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. 113 00:04:00,412 --> 00:04:03,331 [adventurous music] 114 00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:07,293 * * 115 00:04:07,335 --> 00:04:08,461 - I've seen this episode before. 116 00:04:08,503 --> 00:04:09,713 It's a good one. 117 00:04:09,754 --> 00:04:11,089 - How can you watch that shit? 118 00:04:11,131 --> 00:04:13,883 It's just car chases and blowing stuff up. 119 00:04:13,925 --> 00:04:15,093 - Why did you just say two good things 120 00:04:15,135 --> 00:04:16,428 as if they're two bad things? 121 00:04:16,469 --> 00:04:17,554 - Give us a break, Blaire. Jesus. 122 00:04:17,595 --> 00:04:19,264 We had a hard day. 123 00:04:19,305 --> 00:04:20,932 And this show is very educational. 124 00:04:20,974 --> 00:04:23,476 We're learning about the struggles of Vietnam veterans 125 00:04:23,518 --> 00:04:25,520 and how to turn a wood chipper into a cannon 126 00:04:25,562 --> 00:04:27,063 that shoots cabbages. 127 00:04:27,105 --> 00:04:31,735 - Matty, Dr. Frankel called when you were at work today. 128 00:04:31,776 --> 00:04:34,446 He says you're overdue for a colonoscopy. 129 00:04:34,487 --> 00:04:36,114 - Yeah, I'm not getting one of those. 130 00:04:36,156 --> 00:04:37,949 - He says it's important. 131 00:04:37,991 --> 00:04:40,160 - That guy's a quack. - No, he's not. 132 00:04:40,201 --> 00:04:41,453 He's very smart. 133 00:04:41,494 --> 00:04:43,455 - Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan. 134 00:04:43,496 --> 00:04:44,748 That's one of those stereotypes. 135 00:04:44,789 --> 00:04:46,041 - Wow. 136 00:04:46,082 --> 00:04:47,625 Even when you're technically on the right side, 137 00:04:47,667 --> 00:04:49,753 you still find a way to ruin it. 138 00:04:49,794 --> 00:04:50,837 - What? 139 00:04:50,879 --> 00:04:52,630 I just said they're not all smart. 140 00:04:52,672 --> 00:04:54,507 Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money. 141 00:04:54,549 --> 00:04:56,509 - That is beyond fucking offensive. 142 00:04:56,551 --> 00:04:59,137 - Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews. 143 00:04:59,179 --> 00:05:00,722 - Honey, it's a routine test. 144 00:05:00,764 --> 00:05:03,224 You're sedated the whole time. 145 00:05:03,266 --> 00:05:05,977 It wasn't so bad when I did it. 146 00:05:06,019 --> 00:05:07,479 - What? 147 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,064 When the hell did you have a colonoscopy? 148 00:05:09,105 --> 00:05:11,900 - Last year when I was having my tummy troubles. 149 00:05:11,941 --> 00:05:14,277 - Where was I? - You drove me. 150 00:05:14,319 --> 00:05:15,862 - No, I didn't. 151 00:05:15,904 --> 00:05:18,490 - Well, I had you drop me off across the street at the mall. 152 00:05:18,531 --> 00:05:20,825 I didn't want to worry you. 153 00:05:20,867 --> 00:05:21,951 And plus you needed undershirts, 154 00:05:21,993 --> 00:05:24,120 and Jordan Marsh was having a sale. 155 00:05:24,162 --> 00:05:25,997 - This is hilarious. 156 00:05:26,039 --> 00:05:28,333 You're afraid of a procedure Aunt Sue's got done 157 00:05:28,375 --> 00:05:30,001 without even telling you. 158 00:05:30,043 --> 00:05:31,628 - I don't remember picking you up. 159 00:05:31,669 --> 00:05:34,130 - I walked home. - She walked home. 160 00:05:34,172 --> 00:05:35,840 - It's just a couple of miles. 161 00:05:35,882 --> 00:05:37,550 Couldn't feel my legs anyway, 162 00:05:37,592 --> 00:05:39,719 so it didn't matter if my pumps got slushy. 163 00:05:39,761 --> 00:05:42,722 - Well, Matty, it's your move. 164 00:05:42,764 --> 00:05:45,642 - My move is I'm getting a beer. 165 00:05:45,684 --> 00:05:48,353 - My results were negative. 166 00:05:48,395 --> 00:05:50,897 Oh gosh, he seems so worried. 167 00:05:52,774 --> 00:05:55,026 - Man, I wish the A-Team was real. 168 00:05:55,068 --> 00:05:57,445 That way we could hire him to beat the shit out of Clive. 169 00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:58,863 - Who's Clive? 170 00:05:58,905 --> 00:06:01,366 - This fucking goon at school who picks on us. 171 00:06:01,408 --> 00:06:03,243 - Is that Muriel's son Clive? 172 00:06:03,284 --> 00:06:05,578 - I don't know, is Muriel's son a sadistic steroid bully 173 00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:07,163 with a pee fetish? 174 00:06:07,205 --> 00:06:08,832 - Oh, that poor boy. 175 00:06:08,873 --> 00:06:11,042 He doesn't have a father, you know. 176 00:06:11,084 --> 00:06:12,085 - Huh? 177 00:06:12,127 --> 00:06:13,503 - Oh yeah, he walked out on Muriel 178 00:06:13,545 --> 00:06:15,797 before Clive was even born. 179 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:18,550 It's probably why he's so unhappy. 180 00:06:18,591 --> 00:06:20,385 - It's a classic defense mechanism. 181 00:06:20,427 --> 00:06:22,053 Hurt people hurt people. 182 00:06:22,095 --> 00:06:23,596 - Wait, wait, wait, are you saying 183 00:06:23,638 --> 00:06:26,224 Clive is a bastard child? 184 00:06:26,266 --> 00:06:28,101 - His mother is so sweet. 185 00:06:28,143 --> 00:06:30,478 Must be hard. 186 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,398 - Johnny, we have been blessed with information 187 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,108 we can weaponize. 188 00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:36,234 - What do you mean? 189 00:06:36,276 --> 00:06:40,071 - What would the Jerky Boys do? 190 00:06:40,113 --> 00:06:41,448 - All right, found it. 191 00:06:41,489 --> 00:06:45,160 555-3816. [keypad beeping] 192 00:06:45,201 --> 00:06:48,705 - Oh, we are going to fuck this guy's head up so bad. 193 00:06:48,747 --> 00:06:51,166 [line trilling] 194 00:06:53,376 --> 00:06:54,711 - Hello? 195 00:06:54,753 --> 00:06:57,464 - Clive, this is your father. 196 00:06:57,505 --> 00:06:59,758 - What? - I'm your father. 197 00:06:59,799 --> 00:07:01,926 I abandoned you when you were a baby. 198 00:07:01,968 --> 00:07:04,596 Sorry about that. I had a rough day. 199 00:07:04,637 --> 00:07:06,723 - Dad, is this really you? 200 00:07:06,765 --> 00:07:08,099 - Yes, Clive. 201 00:07:08,141 --> 00:07:11,686 This is so totally fucking your dad. 202 00:07:11,728 --> 00:07:14,939 - [laughs] Dad, I knew you'd call someday. 203 00:07:14,981 --> 00:07:17,650 Mom said you wouldn't, but I just knew it. 204 00:07:17,692 --> 00:07:19,319 Where are you? 205 00:07:19,361 --> 00:07:21,321 I mean, can I meet you? 206 00:07:21,363 --> 00:07:22,614 - Holy shit, he wants to meet. 207 00:07:22,655 --> 00:07:24,366 This is fucking classic. 208 00:07:24,407 --> 00:07:26,993 - What do I say? - Say yes. 209 00:07:27,035 --> 00:07:28,912 Tell him to meet you at Friendly's tomorrow. 210 00:07:28,953 --> 00:07:32,374 - Yeah, sure, be at Friendly's tomorrow after school. 211 00:07:32,415 --> 00:07:35,043 And wear a sailor suit. 212 00:07:35,085 --> 00:07:36,628 - A sailor suit? 213 00:07:36,669 --> 00:07:38,546 - Yeah, I spent some time in the Navy, 214 00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,799 so it's sentimental for me, you know. 215 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,593 I fought in the war. - Whoa. Which one? 216 00:07:43,635 --> 00:07:45,053 - You got that right, my friend. 217 00:07:45,095 --> 00:07:46,596 I don't like talking about it though, 218 00:07:46,638 --> 00:07:48,348 especially in specifics. 219 00:07:48,390 --> 00:07:49,849 - Man, that's so cool. 220 00:07:49,891 --> 00:07:52,477 - And I mean a real sailor suit, all right? 221 00:07:52,519 --> 00:07:54,145 Like the kid on the Cracker Jack box. 222 00:07:54,187 --> 00:07:56,481 - But where do I get a sailor suit? 223 00:07:56,523 --> 00:07:57,941 - You back talking me? 224 00:07:57,982 --> 00:08:00,443 See, this smart mouth attitude is exactly why I left. 225 00:08:00,485 --> 00:08:03,279 - Sorry. No, I'm sorry, Dad. No, I'll do it. I promise. 226 00:08:03,321 --> 00:08:04,823 - That's more like it. 227 00:08:04,864 --> 00:08:06,408 - Tell him to say ahoy. 228 00:08:06,449 --> 00:08:08,993 - Oh yeah, and say ahoy to people when you get there. 229 00:08:09,035 --> 00:08:11,955 - OK. Dad, I can't wait to meet you. 230 00:08:11,996 --> 00:08:13,707 - Yeah, get those hopes sky high, buddy. 231 00:08:13,748 --> 00:08:14,874 - I love you-- 232 00:08:14,916 --> 00:08:16,501 - Oh, my God, that was fucking amazing. 233 00:08:16,543 --> 00:08:17,836 - That was great. 234 00:08:17,877 --> 00:08:19,170 - Well, we got to be there when he shows up. 235 00:08:19,212 --> 00:08:21,172 - Totally. Wait, wait, no, no, we can't. 236 00:08:21,214 --> 00:08:23,216 He'll see us and he'll kick our asses. 237 00:08:23,258 --> 00:08:25,176 - No, he won't. 238 00:08:25,218 --> 00:08:27,012 This was good. This was a good plan. 239 00:08:27,053 --> 00:08:29,180 - OK, now as far as anyone knows, 240 00:08:29,222 --> 00:08:32,183 we're two ad executives on a business trip from Hartford 241 00:08:32,225 --> 00:08:34,602 looking for some local talent. - Right. 242 00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:36,312 - Hey, keep these milkshakes coming, huh? 243 00:08:36,354 --> 00:08:39,024 - Sure thing. - You know, we're celebrating. 244 00:08:39,065 --> 00:08:41,693 Just landed a big account. Bounty. 245 00:08:41,735 --> 00:08:43,445 It's a very famous paper towel. 246 00:08:43,486 --> 00:08:45,363 - Yep. I use them every day. 247 00:08:45,405 --> 00:08:46,573 - Oh, terrific. 248 00:08:46,614 --> 00:08:47,866 Well, you know, originally the slogan 249 00:08:47,907 --> 00:08:49,951 was supposed to be the "quicker picker upper," 250 00:08:49,993 --> 00:08:53,038 but we added the word "thicker quicker picker upper." 251 00:08:53,079 --> 00:08:54,956 Bought a summer house with that one adjective. 252 00:08:54,998 --> 00:08:56,875 - Congratulations. - Yeah. 253 00:08:56,916 --> 00:09:01,212 My wife's miles away, even when we're in the same room. 254 00:09:01,254 --> 00:09:03,089 You know, 255 00:09:03,131 --> 00:09:07,135 she hasn't let me touch her since the miscarriage. 256 00:09:07,177 --> 00:09:10,472 - I'll be back with your Fribbles. 257 00:09:10,513 --> 00:09:12,140 - The fuck was that? 258 00:09:12,182 --> 00:09:14,059 - What do you mean? I'm just rolling with the area. 259 00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:15,852 - That was fucking sad, dude. 260 00:09:15,894 --> 00:09:17,437 - Oh, forgive me for trying to add a little gravity 261 00:09:17,479 --> 00:09:19,022 into the backstory, all right? I mean, why are we traveling? 262 00:09:19,064 --> 00:09:20,774 - Gravity? I want to slit my wrist. 263 00:09:20,815 --> 00:09:22,067 - So you get to be Mr. Thicker Picker Upper 264 00:09:22,108 --> 00:09:23,485 and I got nothing to work with over here? 265 00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:25,070 - Sorry, did you want sprinkles? 266 00:09:25,111 --> 00:09:27,322 - We picked out a name. The room was painted. 267 00:09:27,364 --> 00:09:28,365 - Calm down. 268 00:09:28,406 --> 00:09:29,699 - No, no, that's what everyone says. 269 00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:31,326 I get to grieve. 270 00:09:31,368 --> 00:09:34,871 [doorbell jingles] - Oh, my God, look. 271 00:09:36,289 --> 00:09:37,582 - Ahoy. 272 00:09:37,624 --> 00:09:40,877 - Holy shit. - He fucking wore it. 273 00:09:40,919 --> 00:09:43,171 - Yeah. Fix your kerchief. 274 00:09:43,213 --> 00:09:46,132 There you go. Now you're a proper seaman. 275 00:09:46,174 --> 00:09:47,759 - All right. You ready? - Yep. 276 00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:49,844 I'm going in. 277 00:09:49,886 --> 00:09:52,806 Oh, maybe don't talk to the waitress while I'm gone. 278 00:09:52,847 --> 00:09:54,349 - Just fucking go. 279 00:10:00,355 --> 00:10:02,273 [phone ringing] 280 00:10:02,315 --> 00:10:04,234 - Good afternoon, Friendly's. - Yeah, hi. 281 00:10:04,275 --> 00:10:05,443 I need you to deliver a message 282 00:10:05,485 --> 00:10:06,820 to one of your customers. 283 00:10:06,861 --> 00:10:08,988 Dumb looking guy dressed like an idiot. 284 00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:11,574 - Sir, this is Friendly's. Can you be more specific? 285 00:10:11,616 --> 00:10:13,785 - The kid in the sailor suit. 286 00:10:16,788 --> 00:10:19,416 This is his dad. I got a message for him. 287 00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:24,671 - I have a message for you from your dad. 288 00:10:24,713 --> 00:10:28,383 He says he's not coming because you're a disappointment to him 289 00:10:28,425 --> 00:10:30,427 and he's glad he left, 290 00:10:30,468 --> 00:10:35,306 and he likes his adopted Korean kids better. 291 00:10:35,348 --> 00:10:38,184 Sorry. 292 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,690 - [sobbing] 293 00:10:56,578 --> 00:10:58,663 [doorbell jingles] 294 00:10:58,705 --> 00:11:01,791 [continues sobbing] 295 00:11:06,296 --> 00:11:09,341 [wailing] 296 00:11:09,382 --> 00:11:13,053 - Man, this is way sadder than the miscarriage. 297 00:11:13,094 --> 00:11:15,930 - His name was going to be Lawrence. 298 00:11:21,561 --> 00:11:24,522 [mellow music] 299 00:11:24,564 --> 00:11:29,110 * * 300 00:11:29,152 --> 00:11:31,529 - You know, I still feel really shitty about yesterday. 301 00:11:31,571 --> 00:11:33,073 - Yeah, me too. 302 00:11:33,114 --> 00:11:35,367 - It's almost like Clive's an actual human being, 303 00:11:35,408 --> 00:11:36,951 with a heart. 304 00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:38,536 - Well, you know, I'm sure it's going to be fine. 305 00:11:38,578 --> 00:11:41,706 - Hey, did you guys hear? Clive tried to kill himself. 306 00:11:41,748 --> 00:11:43,041 - Holy shit. 307 00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:45,585 - He ate an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins. 308 00:11:45,627 --> 00:11:47,045 - Even the Bettys. 309 00:11:47,087 --> 00:11:49,798 - Did he--did he say why he did it? 310 00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:52,050 - Who cares? I never felt more free. 311 00:11:52,092 --> 00:11:53,885 Now I can wear my Ace Of Base shirt 312 00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:56,721 without getting my ass kicked. 313 00:11:56,763 --> 00:11:58,556 - Shit, Teddy. What are we going to do? 314 00:11:58,598 --> 00:12:00,141 - It's out of our hands. 315 00:12:00,183 --> 00:12:01,726 If he wants to wear the shirt, he's going to wear the shirt. 316 00:12:01,768 --> 00:12:03,395 - No, no, I mean, this is our fault. 317 00:12:03,436 --> 00:12:05,689 If Clive wasn't an idiot, he'd be dead right now. 318 00:12:05,730 --> 00:12:07,399 - All right. OK. You know what? 319 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,566 We can fix this. 320 00:12:08,608 --> 00:12:11,027 - Nice shirt, queer. - Oh! 321 00:12:11,069 --> 00:12:14,614 - Hm, nature abhors a vacuum. 322 00:12:14,656 --> 00:12:16,658 - OK, you ready? - Yeah. 323 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,243 Hang on. Hang on one sec. 324 00:12:18,284 --> 00:12:20,370 We got a boy's heart in our hands here. 325 00:12:20,412 --> 00:12:24,207 I want to make sure I got my wits about me. 326 00:12:24,249 --> 00:12:26,251 [inhales] 327 00:12:26,292 --> 00:12:27,836 [coughs] 328 00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,921 All right, I'm good. Call him. 329 00:12:29,963 --> 00:12:32,007 [keypad beeping] 330 00:12:32,048 --> 00:12:35,135 [line trilling] 331 00:12:38,179 --> 00:12:40,056 - Hello? - Hey Clive. 332 00:12:40,098 --> 00:12:41,850 It's your dad. 333 00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:43,977 You done barfing up Bamm-Bamms? 334 00:12:44,019 --> 00:12:45,562 - Leave me alone. 335 00:12:45,603 --> 00:12:46,938 - Wait, wait, just hang on. Hang on. 336 00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:48,606 I want to apologize. 337 00:12:48,648 --> 00:12:50,817 I'm sorry about not showing up yesterday. 338 00:12:50,859 --> 00:12:52,277 - Then why did you do it? 339 00:12:52,318 --> 00:12:54,612 And why did you leave that message? 340 00:12:54,654 --> 00:12:55,697 - It was a test. 341 00:12:55,739 --> 00:12:58,116 - It was a test of your manhood. 342 00:12:58,158 --> 00:13:00,618 And you passed with flying colors. 343 00:13:00,660 --> 00:13:03,997 - You said you liked your adopted Korean kids better. 344 00:13:04,039 --> 00:13:05,331 - Oh, yeah. 345 00:13:05,373 --> 00:13:07,876 Well, you know, I don't have them anymore. 346 00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:09,127 - You don't? 347 00:13:09,169 --> 00:13:10,503 - No, it seemed like a cool idea at the time, 348 00:13:10,545 --> 00:13:12,130 but it was costing me a shitload, 349 00:13:12,172 --> 00:13:16,343 so I had to release them back into the wild. 350 00:13:16,384 --> 00:13:19,179 But that's why you are so important to me, Clive. 351 00:13:19,220 --> 00:13:21,431 That's why our relationship is so important. 352 00:13:21,473 --> 00:13:23,641 - Well then, can I meet you for real? 353 00:13:23,683 --> 00:13:25,477 - Yes. 354 00:13:25,518 --> 00:13:26,686 Eventually. Eventually. 355 00:13:26,728 --> 00:13:29,314 But right now, I'm kind of busy with work. 356 00:13:29,356 --> 00:13:31,149 - What do you do? - What do I do? 357 00:13:31,191 --> 00:13:33,109 - Ad exec trying to have kids? 358 00:13:33,151 --> 00:13:34,652 - Jesus, what the fuck is it with you with that-- 359 00:13:34,694 --> 00:13:38,281 I'm a soldier of fortune in the Los Angeles underground. 360 00:13:38,323 --> 00:13:39,491 - Whoa. 361 00:13:39,532 --> 00:13:41,076 - Yeah, me and these other crack commandos 362 00:13:41,117 --> 00:13:43,995 fight injustice from our van. 363 00:13:44,037 --> 00:13:45,997 - That's so cool. 364 00:13:46,039 --> 00:13:47,540 - Yeah, if people have a problem 365 00:13:47,582 --> 00:13:50,085 and if no one else can help and if you can find us, 366 00:13:50,126 --> 00:13:53,254 maybe you can hire me and my friends. 367 00:13:53,296 --> 00:13:55,298 That's kind of like our slogan. 368 00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:58,134 - Wow. My dad has a van. 369 00:13:58,176 --> 00:14:02,013 - Yeah, anyway, I'll keep in touch and do good in school. 370 00:14:02,055 --> 00:14:04,265 - [scoffs] I suck at school. 371 00:14:04,307 --> 00:14:06,476 I have a math test tomorrow I'm probably going to fail. 372 00:14:06,518 --> 00:14:07,727 - Oh, come on. 373 00:14:07,769 --> 00:14:09,854 I bet you're smarter at math than you think. 374 00:14:09,896 --> 00:14:14,317 Like OK, like, if a bully beats up 10 kids for their sexuality 375 00:14:14,359 --> 00:14:16,403 and 20% of them are in the choir 376 00:14:16,444 --> 00:14:19,531 so they get extra beatings, how many go to the hospital? 377 00:14:19,572 --> 00:14:22,617 - Um, two. 378 00:14:22,659 --> 00:14:27,038 - Guess what, Mr. I Can't? You just did math. 379 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,873 I'll talk to you later. [keypad beeps] 380 00:14:28,915 --> 00:14:30,583 - I think we fixed it. 381 00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:31,751 - Yeah, I think so too. 382 00:14:31,793 --> 00:14:32,877 - I feel really good right now. 383 00:14:32,919 --> 00:14:34,587 - I feel so good. - We're good people. 384 00:14:34,629 --> 00:14:36,881 - Yeah, if he kills himself now, it's from other stuff. 385 00:14:36,923 --> 00:14:40,802 [school bell ringing] 386 00:14:40,844 --> 00:14:44,973 [chatter] 387 00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:46,933 - Why were these burgers just, like, 388 00:14:46,975 --> 00:14:48,560 sitting in a tray of water? 389 00:14:48,601 --> 00:14:49,978 - Yeah, I don't know why they do that. 390 00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:51,229 - Yeah, every time it's burger day, 391 00:14:51,271 --> 00:14:53,440 there they are, just sitting in water. 392 00:14:53,481 --> 00:14:54,983 - I don't know. It seems normal. 393 00:14:55,025 --> 00:14:57,652 Have the guys over, water up some burgers, watch the game. 394 00:14:57,694 --> 00:14:58,945 - Hey, you know what's weird? 395 00:14:58,987 --> 00:15:00,280 - What? 396 00:15:00,321 --> 00:15:02,490 - I've been, like, thinking about Clive. 397 00:15:02,532 --> 00:15:04,409 - Yeah, me too. - You have? 398 00:15:04,451 --> 00:15:06,536 - Yeah, like I've actually been wondering 399 00:15:06,578 --> 00:15:08,246 how he did on that test. 400 00:15:08,288 --> 00:15:10,457 - Me too. It's fucked up, right? 401 00:15:10,498 --> 00:15:12,125 It's like I actually give a shit about him. 402 00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:14,586 - Johnny, look. 403 00:15:17,130 --> 00:15:19,007 - I don't know why he hangs out with those boys. 404 00:15:19,049 --> 00:15:21,217 They're a bad influence. 405 00:15:21,259 --> 00:15:22,427 - I think Coach Johnson... 406 00:15:22,469 --> 00:15:24,596 - Holy shit. I think that's his test. 407 00:15:24,637 --> 00:15:27,057 Wait, don't look, don't look, don't look now. 408 00:15:27,098 --> 00:15:28,600 - What does it say? - I don't know. 409 00:15:28,641 --> 00:15:30,727 There's a grade on the front, but I can't see it. 410 00:15:30,769 --> 00:15:32,729 We got to get a closer look. 411 00:15:35,774 --> 00:15:36,983 - That sounds really tough. 412 00:15:37,025 --> 00:15:38,693 [chatter] 413 00:15:38,735 --> 00:15:42,906 They know how to make corn and they don't touch it. 414 00:15:42,947 --> 00:15:44,449 - What the fuck do you want, Bennett? 415 00:15:44,491 --> 00:15:46,618 - Nothing. Nothing. You know, I'm just-- 416 00:15:46,659 --> 00:15:48,119 I'm just--I'm just walking around. 417 00:15:48,161 --> 00:15:49,788 You know how I be. - Yeah? 418 00:15:49,829 --> 00:15:51,039 [laughter] 419 00:15:51,081 --> 00:15:52,707 Eat a dick, asshole. 420 00:15:54,834 --> 00:15:56,252 - C+. 421 00:15:56,294 --> 00:15:57,670 - [gasps] He passed. 422 00:15:57,712 --> 00:15:58,755 - He passed. 423 00:15:58,797 --> 00:16:00,632 - Oh, my God, I knew he could do it. 424 00:16:00,674 --> 00:16:03,176 Great job, buddy. 425 00:16:03,218 --> 00:16:05,512 - Our little genius. 426 00:16:05,553 --> 00:16:09,182 * * 427 00:16:09,224 --> 00:16:11,184 - Matty, you can't keep putting it off. 428 00:16:11,226 --> 00:16:12,811 - Yes, I can. It's my body. 429 00:16:12,852 --> 00:16:14,104 - But the doctor said-- 430 00:16:14,145 --> 00:16:15,480 - I don't care what the doctor says. 431 00:16:15,522 --> 00:16:17,107 I don't care what the doctor says. 432 00:16:17,148 --> 00:16:18,650 I'm not doing it. 433 00:16:18,692 --> 00:16:22,946 If you ask me one more time, I'm going to stay at a motel. 434 00:16:22,987 --> 00:16:25,699 - Matty, why are you so resistant to a colonoscopy? 435 00:16:25,740 --> 00:16:27,325 - Oh Christ, not you too. 436 00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:29,536 - Look, I know it's scary to think about 437 00:16:29,577 --> 00:16:31,538 what they might find, but early detection is-- 438 00:16:31,579 --> 00:16:33,748 - You think I'm worried about cancer? 439 00:16:33,790 --> 00:16:36,418 You get cancer, you don't have to pay taxes. 440 00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:38,169 - I don't think that's true. 441 00:16:38,211 --> 00:16:39,671 - Not if liberals have their way. 442 00:16:39,713 --> 00:16:41,798 All I'm saying is, get your cancer now. 443 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,176 - Look, cut the shit and just tell me the truth. 444 00:16:45,218 --> 00:16:47,804 Why won't you get the colonoscopy? 445 00:16:50,724 --> 00:16:53,893 - When they put you under, you're not in control. 446 00:16:53,935 --> 00:16:55,228 All right? 447 00:16:55,270 --> 00:16:58,440 You can say some shit and not even remember it. 448 00:16:58,481 --> 00:17:00,108 I don't want to say stuff. 449 00:17:00,150 --> 00:17:01,317 - Jesus. 450 00:17:01,359 --> 00:17:02,777 There's things you're not saying? 451 00:17:02,819 --> 00:17:05,739 - I just--I don't want anybody to find out my secrets. 452 00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:06,740 - What secrets? 453 00:17:06,781 --> 00:17:07,991 - I got secrets. 454 00:17:08,033 --> 00:17:09,325 - OK, well, what the fuck do you care 455 00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:10,493 what some doctor thinks of them? 456 00:17:10,535 --> 00:17:12,162 - Doctors talk. This is a small town. 457 00:17:12,203 --> 00:17:13,663 I don't want to ruin my reputation. 458 00:17:13,705 --> 00:17:15,790 - You're banned from Dunkin' Donuts. 459 00:17:15,832 --> 00:17:18,710 Listen to me. You got to do this. OK? 460 00:17:18,752 --> 00:17:20,587 You catch colon cancer too late, you're dead. 461 00:17:20,628 --> 00:17:22,297 You'd be leaving John and Suze on their own. 462 00:17:22,339 --> 00:17:24,549 You really want to do that? 463 00:17:26,968 --> 00:17:28,845 - All right. I'll go in there. 464 00:17:28,887 --> 00:17:30,055 - Great. 465 00:17:30,096 --> 00:17:32,015 - But you got to go with me. 466 00:17:32,057 --> 00:17:33,850 - To your colonoscopy? - Yeah. 467 00:17:33,892 --> 00:17:34,934 - Why? 468 00:17:34,976 --> 00:17:36,394 - Because when they drug me up, 469 00:17:36,436 --> 00:17:38,229 if I start saying anything about Vietnam, 470 00:17:38,271 --> 00:17:39,564 you got to make a lot of noise. 471 00:17:39,606 --> 00:17:41,232 - Why? What happened in Viet-- 472 00:17:41,274 --> 00:17:44,235 - La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Like that. 473 00:17:44,277 --> 00:17:45,236 You got it? - Mm-mm. 474 00:17:45,278 --> 00:17:47,072 - No, you don't. Let's practice. 475 00:17:47,113 --> 00:17:49,199 It's me. Here's the doctor. 476 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,952 Hey Doc, this one time in Vietnam-- 477 00:17:52,994 --> 00:17:54,162 right, that's you. 478 00:17:54,204 --> 00:17:55,747 - La, la, la, la. 479 00:17:55,789 --> 00:17:57,207 - No, you got to be louder and faster. 480 00:17:57,248 --> 00:17:59,834 Come on. Again. One time in Vietnam, Doc-- 481 00:17:59,876 --> 00:18:01,419 - La, la, la, la, la. - Keep going. 482 00:18:01,461 --> 00:18:02,670 One time in Vietnam. 483 00:18:02,712 --> 00:18:03,713 Louder. 484 00:18:03,755 --> 00:18:05,548 One time in Vietnam. Keep going. 485 00:18:05,590 --> 00:18:07,092 Keep going. - I'm fucking trying. 486 00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:08,218 - There was this one time in Vietnam. 487 00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:09,344 Keep going. 488 00:18:09,386 --> 00:18:10,929 I'm about to spill my secrets! 489 00:18:10,970 --> 00:18:14,265 - What is going on in here? 490 00:18:14,307 --> 00:18:16,267 - I'll get the colonoscopy. 491 00:18:16,309 --> 00:18:18,061 - You will? 492 00:18:18,103 --> 00:18:20,021 Oh, thank God. 493 00:18:20,063 --> 00:18:21,356 [laughs] 494 00:18:21,398 --> 00:18:24,609 Oh, I feel like it's Christmas. 495 00:18:24,651 --> 00:18:27,278 - I just want this family to know that from here on out, 496 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,156 I'm going for full-on alcoholism. 497 00:18:36,454 --> 00:18:38,039 - Hey, am I crazy? 498 00:18:38,081 --> 00:18:40,333 I kind of want to call Clive and tell him he did good. 499 00:18:40,375 --> 00:18:41,960 - I know. Me too. 500 00:18:42,001 --> 00:18:44,754 I mean, he obviously studied so hard for that test. 501 00:18:44,796 --> 00:18:46,131 - Yeah, he should know his dad's proud of him. 502 00:18:46,172 --> 00:18:47,465 - Yeah. 503 00:18:47,507 --> 00:18:48,717 But, but, but, do we want to send the message 504 00:18:48,758 --> 00:18:50,093 that all we care about is grades? 505 00:18:50,135 --> 00:18:51,803 - Well, I mean, he can't live up to our expectations 506 00:18:51,845 --> 00:18:53,221 if we don't set any. 507 00:18:53,263 --> 00:18:55,557 - Yeah, but I want him to do well for him, not for us. 508 00:18:55,598 --> 00:18:57,308 - Let's just call him. - OK. 509 00:18:57,350 --> 00:19:00,979 [keypad beeping] 510 00:19:01,021 --> 00:19:04,065 [line trilling] 511 00:19:04,107 --> 00:19:05,191 - Hello? 512 00:19:05,233 --> 00:19:07,318 - Hey Clive. It's your dad. 513 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,154 - Dad. Hey, guess what? 514 00:19:09,195 --> 00:19:10,864 I totally aced that test. 515 00:19:10,905 --> 00:19:12,407 I got a C+. 516 00:19:12,449 --> 00:19:14,159 - Well, how about that? 517 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,368 Good for you, champ. 518 00:19:15,410 --> 00:19:16,828 That's great. 519 00:19:16,870 --> 00:19:19,164 That's not really ace, but wow, good job. 520 00:19:19,205 --> 00:19:20,623 - Hey, I know you're busy and all, 521 00:19:20,665 --> 00:19:23,293 but my birthday's coming up on Saturday 522 00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:26,838 and I was wondering if maybe I could see you. 523 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:31,343 - Ah, yeah, sorry pal, I got a work thing. 524 00:19:31,384 --> 00:19:34,012 - I just wish I could meet you just once. 525 00:19:34,054 --> 00:19:35,347 - I know. Me too. 526 00:19:35,388 --> 00:19:36,848 But it's an important mission. 527 00:19:36,890 --> 00:19:38,892 We found a terrorist base under the roller rink, 528 00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:40,935 so we're going undercover as coke dealers. 529 00:19:40,977 --> 00:19:43,772 And if we find love along the way, we'll take it. 530 00:19:43,813 --> 00:19:44,939 - Oh. 531 00:19:44,981 --> 00:19:47,150 - But hey, maybe next year, huh? 532 00:19:47,192 --> 00:19:49,361 - Yeah, sure. 533 00:19:49,402 --> 00:19:50,904 - And great job on that test. 534 00:19:50,945 --> 00:19:52,530 All right, I'll talk to you later. 535 00:19:52,572 --> 00:19:56,368 - Bye, Dad. [line clicks] 536 00:19:56,409 --> 00:19:58,703 - Man, I feel really bad letting him down again. 537 00:19:58,745 --> 00:20:00,288 - Yeah, we got to make it up to him. 538 00:20:00,330 --> 00:20:01,790 You know what? 539 00:20:01,831 --> 00:20:05,293 His dad needs to send him a really great birthday gift. 540 00:20:05,335 --> 00:20:08,296 [bright music] 541 00:20:08,338 --> 00:20:13,385 * * 542 00:20:13,426 --> 00:20:14,928 Oh, what about this? 543 00:20:14,969 --> 00:20:16,388 Sega Genesis. 544 00:20:16,429 --> 00:20:18,056 - Yeah, I don't know. - Why not? 545 00:20:18,098 --> 00:20:19,557 - I'm just worried he's going to spend all day in his room 546 00:20:19,599 --> 00:20:21,226 instead of playing outside. 547 00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:22,394 What about a baseball glove? 548 00:20:22,435 --> 00:20:23,770 - He doesn't like playing sports. 549 00:20:23,812 --> 00:20:25,230 - Well, that doesn't mean we shouldn't encourage it. 550 00:20:25,271 --> 00:20:26,940 - Baseball's your dream, not his. 551 00:20:26,981 --> 00:20:29,484 - Oh, my fucking God. - Look, it's his 17th birthday. 552 00:20:29,526 --> 00:20:30,610 He'll be an adult soon. 553 00:20:30,652 --> 00:20:32,028 We don't have many of these left. 554 00:20:32,070 --> 00:20:33,738 - I just feel like you're always trying to spoil him. 555 00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:35,073 You know, you can't buy his affections. 556 00:20:35,115 --> 00:20:36,533 - I am not trying to buy his-- - Yes, you are. 557 00:20:36,574 --> 00:20:38,118 You're trying to buy his affections 558 00:20:38,159 --> 00:20:39,494 because you're never at home. - You're too strict with him. 559 00:20:39,536 --> 00:20:40,745 You always have been. 560 00:20:40,787 --> 00:20:41,955 - Well, somebody has to be the bad cop. 561 00:20:41,996 --> 00:20:43,748 And frankly, I feel like it's shitty of you 562 00:20:43,790 --> 00:20:45,333 to always dump that on me. - You know what? 563 00:20:45,375 --> 00:20:46,751 None of this shit matters anyway, 564 00:20:46,793 --> 00:20:49,045 because we only got 20 bucks. - Oh yeah, you're right. 565 00:20:49,087 --> 00:20:50,547 What are we going to do? 566 00:20:50,588 --> 00:20:52,590 - Where's the menswear? 567 00:20:52,632 --> 00:20:54,884 OK, that's good. Get ready. 568 00:20:54,926 --> 00:20:57,345 OK, now turn right. - This is so fucking stupid. 569 00:20:57,387 --> 00:20:59,180 Why don't I just wear the coat myself? 570 00:20:59,222 --> 00:21:00,598 - Extra height, Johnny. 571 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,101 When you're tall, people assume you're in charge. 572 00:21:03,143 --> 00:21:05,437 Hey, why don't you go ahead and take the rest of the day off? 573 00:21:05,478 --> 00:21:08,440 - Wow, thank you, tall supervisor. 574 00:21:08,481 --> 00:21:10,191 - See? - OK, which way am I going? 575 00:21:10,233 --> 00:21:12,027 - All right, straight for a bit then you're going to turn. 576 00:21:12,068 --> 00:21:13,945 - Talk louder. Your feet are blocking my ears. 577 00:21:13,987 --> 00:21:15,613 - Hard left, hard left, hard left! 578 00:21:15,655 --> 00:21:16,906 - Jesus. What the fuck was that? 579 00:21:16,948 --> 00:21:18,450 - Go straight. Just go straight. 580 00:21:18,491 --> 00:21:19,576 - Well, fucking tell me when I'm going to bump 581 00:21:19,617 --> 00:21:21,077 into something--fucking A! - Watch out! 582 00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:23,246 - C'mon, you got to warn me. - OK, it's good. It's good. 583 00:21:23,288 --> 00:21:24,539 We're good for a minute. - My head hurts. 584 00:21:24,581 --> 00:21:25,623 - Oh, this is going to be a problem. 585 00:21:25,665 --> 00:21:27,459 Fuck, shit. - The fuck is that? 586 00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:28,960 - Don't go that way. - Can I turn around? 587 00:21:29,002 --> 00:21:30,712 - Oh shit. [overlapping shouting] 588 00:21:30,754 --> 00:21:32,130 Sideways. - Which sideways? 589 00:21:32,172 --> 00:21:34,090 - Go sideways. [both yelp] 590 00:21:37,719 --> 00:21:40,347 Excellent work. You can take your lunch now. 591 00:21:47,145 --> 00:21:48,730 - Look, we weren't even stealing it for us. OK? 592 00:21:48,772 --> 00:21:50,190 We were stealing it for a kid who doesn't have a dad. 593 00:21:50,231 --> 00:21:52,150 And that's not even really shoplifting, right? 594 00:21:52,192 --> 00:21:53,651 - [scoffs] Nice try. 595 00:21:53,693 --> 00:21:55,111 You boys are in big time trouble. 596 00:21:55,153 --> 00:21:56,613 I'm going to need your parents' phone numbers. 597 00:21:56,654 --> 00:21:58,323 - My parents are out of town. 598 00:21:58,365 --> 00:21:59,491 - I don't have parents on account of 599 00:21:59,532 --> 00:22:01,076 I'm a Teddy bear that came alive. 600 00:22:01,117 --> 00:22:03,370 - All right, look, it's really important to us 601 00:22:03,411 --> 00:22:05,747 that we help this kid, OK? 602 00:22:05,789 --> 00:22:07,791 Haven't you ever had something that was just really, 603 00:22:07,832 --> 00:22:09,084 really important to you, something that you'd 604 00:22:09,125 --> 00:22:10,710 do anything to make happen? 605 00:22:10,752 --> 00:22:13,380 Like maybe you wanted to be the best security guard in Boston. 606 00:22:13,421 --> 00:22:14,714 - [scoffs] No. 607 00:22:14,756 --> 00:22:17,342 No, I never wanted to be a security guard. 608 00:22:17,384 --> 00:22:19,177 I really wanted to be an actor. 609 00:22:19,219 --> 00:22:20,387 - Oh wow. 610 00:22:20,428 --> 00:22:22,806 Oh, this just got so much worse. 611 00:22:22,847 --> 00:22:25,350 - Acting is my real passion. 612 00:22:25,392 --> 00:22:27,227 When I was in my 20s, 613 00:22:27,268 --> 00:22:30,021 I did this community theater production on "Pippin." 614 00:22:30,063 --> 00:22:32,691 And when the show ended, I found out 615 00:22:32,732 --> 00:22:36,152 that John Rubinstein was in the audience. 616 00:22:36,194 --> 00:22:37,612 - Oh, my God. - Oh wow. 617 00:22:37,654 --> 00:22:39,614 - Who was, of course, the original Pippin. 618 00:22:39,656 --> 00:22:40,615 - I was about to say. - That's the guy. 619 00:22:40,657 --> 00:22:41,700 That's the guy. 620 00:22:41,741 --> 00:22:42,951 - Fucking God damn right he was. 621 00:22:42,992 --> 00:22:45,203 - And he actually came backstage after the show 622 00:22:45,245 --> 00:22:48,039 and he walked up to me and I can still see his face 623 00:22:48,081 --> 00:22:50,542 and he said, I really enjoyed the show. 624 00:22:50,583 --> 00:22:52,752 You were all wonderful. 625 00:22:52,794 --> 00:22:54,921 I was like, oh, my God, what a moment. 626 00:22:54,963 --> 00:22:56,131 - Amazing. 627 00:22:56,172 --> 00:22:57,465 I mean, it's amazing just even hearing it. 628 00:22:57,507 --> 00:22:58,717 I wasn't there, but just hearing you talk about it. 629 00:22:58,758 --> 00:22:59,884 - Yeah, it was him in the flesh. 630 00:22:59,926 --> 00:23:01,678 And to have the kindness to say, 631 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,680 because obviously I was Pippin. 632 00:23:03,722 --> 00:23:05,056 - Of course. Yeah. 633 00:23:05,098 --> 00:23:06,808 - Yeah, I mean you, Burt, 634 00:23:06,850 --> 00:23:09,019 are not going to do "Pippin" if you're not Pippin. 635 00:23:09,060 --> 00:23:11,730 - To have the kindness to say, you are all wonderful. 636 00:23:11,771 --> 00:23:13,148 Because you see, the rest of the cast 637 00:23:13,189 --> 00:23:14,232 was right there with me. 638 00:23:14,274 --> 00:23:15,650 So he couldn't really single me out 639 00:23:15,692 --> 00:23:17,360 because that would have been dismissive to them. 640 00:23:17,402 --> 00:23:19,529 - Oh yeah. You can't do that. - Sure, sure, sure. 641 00:23:19,571 --> 00:23:20,947 - But he gave me a look. 642 00:23:20,989 --> 00:23:23,575 John Rubinstein gave me a look and that look said, 643 00:23:23,616 --> 00:23:26,369 you are on the stairway to stardom. 644 00:23:26,411 --> 00:23:27,746 - Oh, good Christ. 645 00:23:27,787 --> 00:23:30,040 Wow, wow. - That's what I said too. 646 00:23:30,081 --> 00:23:33,084 Well, I guess life had other plans for me. 647 00:23:33,126 --> 00:23:35,003 But that's OK. 648 00:23:37,630 --> 00:23:39,716 * Everything has its season * 649 00:23:39,758 --> 00:23:42,344 * Everything has its time * 650 00:23:42,385 --> 00:23:43,928 * Show me a reason * 651 00:23:43,970 --> 00:23:46,765 * And I'll soon show you a rhyme * 652 00:23:46,806 --> 00:23:49,351 * Cats fit on the windowsill * 653 00:23:49,392 --> 00:23:51,770 * Children fit in the snow * 654 00:23:51,811 --> 00:23:54,439 * So why do I feel like I don't fit in * 655 00:23:54,481 --> 00:23:58,276 * Anywhere I go * 656 00:23:58,318 --> 00:24:00,278 Oh, sorry. 657 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:01,738 Wow. 658 00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:03,656 Wow, that felt fucking great. 659 00:24:03,698 --> 00:24:05,116 Right? - Yeah. 660 00:24:05,158 --> 00:24:06,451 - Wow. 661 00:24:06,493 --> 00:24:07,660 - Was that a moment just then we had? 662 00:24:07,702 --> 00:24:09,037 - Wait, that was a moment? That was a real-- 663 00:24:09,079 --> 00:24:10,705 - I think it was. - I couldn't even hear you. 664 00:24:10,747 --> 00:24:12,791 Someone was playing the original 665 00:24:12,832 --> 00:24:14,417 cast recording of "Pippin." 666 00:24:14,459 --> 00:24:16,920 - It's like a rope connected us that only we saw the rope. 667 00:24:16,961 --> 00:24:18,463 - All three of us. All three of us. 668 00:24:18,505 --> 00:24:19,839 We are one. - Tighter and tighter... 669 00:24:19,881 --> 00:24:21,508 - We were one organism in that moment. 670 00:24:21,549 --> 00:24:22,842 - My feet are tingling. - Wow. 671 00:24:22,884 --> 00:24:25,887 1,000 wows and more wows on top of that. 672 00:24:25,929 --> 00:24:28,556 I feel like this was time well spent. 673 00:24:28,598 --> 00:24:29,766 - Yeah, we got a lot accomplished. 674 00:24:29,808 --> 00:24:31,017 - Was it not? both: Yeah. 675 00:24:31,059 --> 00:24:32,519 - You guys-- you guys can go ahead. 676 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:33,812 - We're good to go, right? - Absolutely. 677 00:24:33,853 --> 00:24:35,063 - Thank you. Thank you, man. 678 00:24:35,105 --> 00:24:36,189 Really appreciate it. This was wonderful. 679 00:24:36,231 --> 00:24:37,399 - Yeah. 680 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,650 - We're all going to go our separate ways, 681 00:24:38,692 --> 00:24:39,651 but we'll take a piece of today with us. 682 00:24:39,693 --> 00:24:41,194 - Thanks for letting me sing. 683 00:24:41,236 --> 00:24:42,862 - Jesus, that was a fucking nightmare. 684 00:24:42,904 --> 00:24:44,155 - You are telling me, Johnny. 685 00:24:44,197 --> 00:24:45,657 This has got to stop. 686 00:24:45,699 --> 00:24:47,325 - I know. It's gotten out of control. 687 00:24:47,367 --> 00:24:49,119 I mean, I care about what happens to Clive, 688 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:50,745 but we're acting like fucking lunatics. 689 00:24:50,787 --> 00:24:53,415 - Raising Clive is not our responsibility. 690 00:24:53,456 --> 00:24:54,874 We got to tell him the truth. 691 00:24:54,916 --> 00:24:56,793 [PA system chimes] 692 00:24:56,835 --> 00:24:59,003 - * Everything has its season * 693 00:24:59,045 --> 00:25:01,423 * Everything has its time * 694 00:25:01,464 --> 00:25:06,219 * We've got a very big sale on aisle nine * 695 00:25:06,261 --> 00:25:07,387 - It might be time to go. 696 00:25:07,429 --> 00:25:08,680 - * Cats fit on the windowsill * 697 00:25:08,722 --> 00:25:10,473 * Children fit in the snow * 698 00:25:10,515 --> 00:25:16,813 * * 699 00:25:18,356 --> 00:25:20,859 - I don't like this. This was a bad idea. 700 00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:22,986 - Will you fucking relax? It's going to be fine. 701 00:25:23,028 --> 00:25:25,530 - You hear the word Vietnam, you yell like the place 702 00:25:25,572 --> 00:25:27,115 is burning down. Do you understand me? 703 00:25:27,157 --> 00:25:28,992 - Yes. Jesus Christ. Calm down. 704 00:25:29,034 --> 00:25:30,827 - Good morning, Mr. Bennett. 705 00:25:30,869 --> 00:25:32,162 We are all set to begin your procedure. 706 00:25:32,203 --> 00:25:33,872 - Yeah, listen, this is my niece. 707 00:25:33,913 --> 00:25:36,624 She's going to be with me in the room there. 708 00:25:36,666 --> 00:25:39,461 - Oh, I'm afraid that's not allowed. 709 00:25:39,502 --> 00:25:40,879 - What do you fucking mean? 710 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,672 - It's against hospital policy. 711 00:25:42,714 --> 00:25:44,132 - No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute. 712 00:25:44,174 --> 00:25:45,884 Wait a minute. You don't understand. 713 00:25:45,925 --> 00:25:50,138 She's always with me for every colonoscopy, right? 714 00:25:50,180 --> 00:25:51,473 - Yes. 715 00:25:51,514 --> 00:25:56,728 I love watching and it's my half birthday today, 716 00:25:56,770 --> 00:25:59,522 so treating myself. [chuckles] 717 00:25:59,564 --> 00:26:03,151 - Well, that's interesting, but it's medical staff only. 718 00:26:03,193 --> 00:26:04,277 I really am sorry. 719 00:26:04,319 --> 00:26:05,779 - Give us a minute, OK? 720 00:26:07,781 --> 00:26:09,741 - Get under the gurney. - What? 721 00:26:09,783 --> 00:26:11,993 - Hide under the gurney. - I am not doing that. 722 00:26:12,035 --> 00:26:14,079 - Blaire, you got to be in the room in case I talk. 723 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,497 - Matty, these people don't care about 724 00:26:15,538 --> 00:26:16,998 your stupid goddamn secret, OK? 725 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,833 They're professionals. They've heard everything. 726 00:26:18,875 --> 00:26:20,335 - I don't trust them. 727 00:26:20,377 --> 00:26:21,836 You don't become a butt doctor unless you're into 728 00:26:21,878 --> 00:26:23,088 some really weird shit. 729 00:26:23,129 --> 00:26:25,757 Some of these guys, it's sexual for them. 730 00:26:25,799 --> 00:26:27,467 - This is not sexual for them. 731 00:26:27,509 --> 00:26:30,053 - I'll give you $300. 732 00:26:30,095 --> 00:26:31,721 - Seriously? - You're always whining about 733 00:26:31,763 --> 00:26:33,056 how expensive your textbooks are. 734 00:26:33,098 --> 00:26:35,100 300 bucks. 735 00:26:38,645 --> 00:26:41,189 - You have lost your fucking mind. 736 00:26:43,024 --> 00:26:45,276 - Dr. Fisher to OR prep room three. 737 00:26:45,318 --> 00:26:48,321 Dr. Fisher, OR prep room three. 738 00:26:48,363 --> 00:26:55,328 * * 739 00:27:01,459 --> 00:27:02,794 - All right, Mr. Bennett, 740 00:27:02,836 --> 00:27:05,130 I need you to count backward from 100. 741 00:27:05,171 --> 00:27:09,551 - 100, 99, 98... 742 00:27:09,592 --> 00:27:11,011 - All right, he's out. 743 00:27:11,052 --> 00:27:13,346 - [laughing] OK. Wow. What a weirdo. 744 00:27:13,388 --> 00:27:15,682 Guy wanted his niece to come in here with him. 745 00:27:15,724 --> 00:27:17,642 - Oh, I heard that. That's bizarre. 746 00:27:17,684 --> 00:27:19,019 - Absolutely. 747 00:27:19,060 --> 00:27:20,645 - Let's see what he's working with here. 748 00:27:20,687 --> 00:27:22,981 [all yelling and laughing] 749 00:27:23,023 --> 00:27:24,983 - Oh, my God. - Damn, look at that! 750 00:27:25,025 --> 00:27:26,818 Hair on the tip. That's a new one. 751 00:27:26,860 --> 00:27:28,987 - Yuck. His poor wife, huh? 752 00:27:29,029 --> 00:27:31,156 - I was just thinking that. 753 00:27:31,197 --> 00:27:34,743 - Guys, I got to be honest. This is sexual for me. 754 00:27:34,784 --> 00:27:39,414 * * 755 00:27:39,456 --> 00:27:41,166 - Look, we just got to tell him the truth. 756 00:27:41,207 --> 00:27:42,917 - You know he's going to kick our asses. 757 00:27:42,959 --> 00:27:44,627 - Look, the key to not getting hurt in a fight 758 00:27:44,669 --> 00:27:47,922 is staying loose, like a drunk guy in an accident. 759 00:27:47,964 --> 00:27:49,632 That's why the Kennedys are always fine 760 00:27:49,674 --> 00:27:52,969 after they fuck up their cars. 761 00:27:53,011 --> 00:27:56,264 Oh, hey Clive, can we--can we talk to you for a second? 762 00:27:56,306 --> 00:27:58,141 - What do you two fucknuts want? 763 00:27:58,183 --> 00:28:01,519 - Look, there's no easy way to say this, 764 00:28:01,561 --> 00:28:04,397 but, um, it's about your dad. 765 00:28:04,439 --> 00:28:05,857 - What about my dad? 766 00:28:05,899 --> 00:28:09,319 - Um, your dad, uh, 767 00:28:09,361 --> 00:28:13,406 invited us to your birthday party. 768 00:28:13,448 --> 00:28:15,367 And he said he's going to be there too 769 00:28:15,408 --> 00:28:16,493 and we just wanted to say 770 00:28:16,534 --> 00:28:18,536 we are so excited just to be part of it. 771 00:28:18,578 --> 00:28:19,954 - What are you talking about? 772 00:28:19,996 --> 00:28:21,289 I'm not having a party. 773 00:28:21,331 --> 00:28:22,749 He said he wasn't going to be around. 774 00:28:22,791 --> 00:28:25,752 - That's because it's a surprise. 775 00:28:25,794 --> 00:28:27,379 - Yeah. - Oh no, I spoiled it! 776 00:28:27,420 --> 00:28:28,463 - Oh, Teddy, oh! 777 00:28:28,505 --> 00:28:29,714 - We weren't supposed to say anything. 778 00:28:29,756 --> 00:28:31,383 - Fuck. - I knew it. 779 00:28:31,424 --> 00:28:32,884 I knew he'd show up. 780 00:28:32,926 --> 00:28:34,386 Oh, it's probably going to be huge 781 00:28:34,427 --> 00:28:36,596 if even you two losers are invited. 782 00:28:36,638 --> 00:28:37,764 Hell yeah. 783 00:28:37,806 --> 00:28:40,016 [laughter] 784 00:28:40,058 --> 00:28:41,434 - What the fuck is wrong with you? 785 00:28:41,476 --> 00:28:43,061 - I know, but did you see the look in his eye? 786 00:28:43,103 --> 00:28:44,562 He's like fucking Charles Manson. 787 00:28:44,604 --> 00:28:46,231 - What the fuck are we supposed to do now? 788 00:28:46,272 --> 00:28:48,233 He thinks his dad's showing up. - I don't know. 789 00:28:48,274 --> 00:28:50,360 We find somebody to be his dad. - Well, fucking who? 790 00:28:50,402 --> 00:28:52,821 - I don't know. We find an actor or something. 791 00:28:52,862 --> 00:28:55,323 - Ah, shit. 792 00:28:55,365 --> 00:28:58,660 * * 793 00:28:58,702 --> 00:29:01,955 - All right, we got balloons, a cake. 794 00:29:01,996 --> 00:29:03,415 Do you think he's too old for a piñata? 795 00:29:03,456 --> 00:29:04,666 - Yeah, I don't think we want to put 796 00:29:04,708 --> 00:29:05,917 a bat in his hands, Johnny. 797 00:29:05,959 --> 00:29:08,586 - Oh yeah, good call. 798 00:29:08,628 --> 00:29:10,755 - Oh. How did it go? 799 00:29:10,797 --> 00:29:12,674 - It was a living nightmare. 800 00:29:12,716 --> 00:29:14,092 - Matty, how you feeling? 801 00:29:14,134 --> 00:29:15,677 - Doc says I'm clean as a whistle. 802 00:29:15,719 --> 00:29:16,720 Nothing to worry about. 803 00:29:16,761 --> 00:29:18,096 - That's not all the doctor said. 804 00:29:18,138 --> 00:29:19,514 - What do you mean? 805 00:29:19,556 --> 00:29:22,475 - It was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. 806 00:29:22,517 --> 00:29:25,311 - Blaire, what happened? 807 00:29:27,647 --> 00:29:29,566 - Matty made me go into the operating room with him, so-- 808 00:29:29,607 --> 00:29:30,775 - Blaire, what the hell? 809 00:29:30,817 --> 00:29:31,776 - To shut him up if the drugs made him 810 00:29:31,818 --> 00:29:33,028 say some shit about Vietnam. 811 00:29:33,069 --> 00:29:34,320 - You're not getting those 300 bucks! 812 00:29:34,362 --> 00:29:36,114 - I don't care. This has to end. 813 00:29:36,156 --> 00:29:38,116 Nothing is worth what I went through today. 814 00:29:38,158 --> 00:29:39,242 Do you know where they put the wand 815 00:29:39,284 --> 00:29:41,036 when they're done with it? I do. 816 00:29:41,077 --> 00:29:43,038 - What secret? What is she talking about? 817 00:29:43,079 --> 00:29:44,998 - Forget it, Susan. - No, Matty, this is insane. 818 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:46,458 You have to talk about it and move on, 819 00:29:46,499 --> 00:29:48,293 because I am not fucking doing that again 820 00:29:48,334 --> 00:29:49,461 in five years. - Just drop it! 821 00:29:49,502 --> 00:29:50,795 - What'd you do? Desert your platoon? 822 00:29:50,837 --> 00:29:52,005 Go AWOL? 823 00:29:52,047 --> 00:29:53,048 Did you accidentally shoot Bob Hope? 824 00:29:53,089 --> 00:29:54,049 What? - I wish. 825 00:29:54,090 --> 00:29:55,300 I could live with that. 826 00:29:55,342 --> 00:29:57,135 - Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll understand. 827 00:29:57,177 --> 00:29:58,636 - No, you won't. This was war. 828 00:29:58,678 --> 00:30:00,138 - For Christ's sake, Matty, we're your family. 829 00:30:00,180 --> 00:30:01,473 Just fucking tell us. 830 00:30:01,514 --> 00:30:03,516 - I jacked off a dog! 831 00:30:07,062 --> 00:30:09,356 - What the fuck? 832 00:30:09,397 --> 00:30:10,899 - Oh, my God. 833 00:30:10,940 --> 00:30:12,609 - You guys said you'd understand. 834 00:30:12,650 --> 00:30:15,111 - That was before we knew how fucked up it was. 835 00:30:15,153 --> 00:30:16,905 - You've never been to war. Things happen. 836 00:30:16,946 --> 00:30:18,156 - Not that. No. 837 00:30:18,198 --> 00:30:20,075 Why the fuck would you jack off a dog? 838 00:30:20,116 --> 00:30:22,369 - Whose dog was it? 839 00:30:38,218 --> 00:30:41,179 - My platoon was camped in the jungle 840 00:30:41,221 --> 00:30:45,016 about two clicks south of the Do Lung Bridge. 841 00:30:45,058 --> 00:30:47,227 Our dog Scout was with us... 842 00:30:47,268 --> 00:30:51,856 [chuckles] Chewing on some dinner scraps. 843 00:30:51,898 --> 00:30:54,359 My buddy Donny and I were about to start the night watch 844 00:30:54,401 --> 00:30:59,614 when we noticed... Scout had an erection. 845 00:30:59,656 --> 00:31:02,200 - Well, you were very handsome back then. 846 00:31:02,242 --> 00:31:04,994 - Just let me do this, Susan. 847 00:31:07,664 --> 00:31:10,875 We waited for it to go away on its own, but it didn't. 848 00:31:10,917 --> 00:31:12,669 It was obviously stuck. 849 00:31:12,711 --> 00:31:15,213 Now, that could be dangerous for a dog, 850 00:31:15,255 --> 00:31:17,757 especially in the jungle-- it gets infected. 851 00:31:17,799 --> 00:31:19,759 He could have died. 852 00:31:19,801 --> 00:31:24,723 We didn't have a medic with us. I had to do something. 853 00:31:24,764 --> 00:31:29,019 I tried to ease it back in, 854 00:31:29,060 --> 00:31:31,062 but it popped out. 855 00:31:31,104 --> 00:31:32,939 So I tried again. 856 00:31:32,981 --> 00:31:34,899 No good. 857 00:31:34,941 --> 00:31:36,359 Time was running out. 858 00:31:36,401 --> 00:31:38,611 Let me tell you, that dog had sniffed out 859 00:31:38,653 --> 00:31:40,739 more landmines than I could count. 860 00:31:40,780 --> 00:31:44,951 He had saved all of our lives, so I had to keep trying. 861 00:31:47,370 --> 00:31:51,499 And that's when it happened. 862 00:31:51,541 --> 00:31:56,546 He made a noise like a bark, but happier. 863 00:31:59,382 --> 00:32:04,012 Then he went back to his food. 864 00:32:04,054 --> 00:32:05,764 Donny and I didn't make eye contact 865 00:32:05,805 --> 00:32:08,641 for the rest of the war. 866 00:32:17,150 --> 00:32:21,112 For God's sake, somebody say something. 867 00:32:21,154 --> 00:32:24,699 - You soldiers gave so much. 868 00:32:30,580 --> 00:32:35,085 - I-I think you did the right thing. 869 00:32:35,126 --> 00:32:38,421 Very heroic. 870 00:32:38,463 --> 00:32:40,548 - Yeah. 871 00:32:40,590 --> 00:32:44,636 Great job, Dad. 872 00:32:44,678 --> 00:32:50,100 - You did it there so we didn't have to do it here. 873 00:32:50,141 --> 00:32:52,185 - Stand down, soldier. 874 00:32:57,232 --> 00:33:04,239 * * 875 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:06,574 [radio channels tuning] 876 00:33:06,616 --> 00:33:10,036 - All right, testing, testing, one, two, three. 877 00:33:10,078 --> 00:33:11,663 - Yeah, I can hear you. Oh, that's neat. 878 00:33:11,705 --> 00:33:13,540 - Yeah, I paid off a techie at school. 879 00:33:13,581 --> 00:33:14,833 Just remember to keep the other one on 880 00:33:14,874 --> 00:33:16,000 so we can hear you and Clive. 881 00:33:16,042 --> 00:33:17,335 - OK, so we're going to be feeding you 882 00:33:17,377 --> 00:33:19,087 what to say as we go along, and if there's-- 883 00:33:19,129 --> 00:33:20,422 - Right, right. 884 00:33:20,463 --> 00:33:21,589 If you could not give me specific line readings, 885 00:33:21,631 --> 00:33:23,550 that would be great. - What? 886 00:33:23,591 --> 00:33:26,219 - Yeah, just, you know, tell me what you want to communicate 887 00:33:26,261 --> 00:33:28,513 and then I will interpret it as an actor. 888 00:33:28,555 --> 00:33:31,141 - You know, I was going to get a coffee cart for the set, 889 00:33:31,182 --> 00:33:32,308 but now forget it. 890 00:33:32,350 --> 00:33:33,643 - Oh, tell me something. 891 00:33:33,685 --> 00:33:35,895 Where am I coming from? - Huh? 892 00:33:35,937 --> 00:33:38,523 - Like just before I meet Clive, where was I? 893 00:33:38,565 --> 00:33:40,525 - You were right fucking here talking to us. 894 00:33:40,567 --> 00:33:41,735 - No, no, no. No, not me. 895 00:33:41,776 --> 00:33:43,528 The character. Where was the character? 896 00:33:43,570 --> 00:33:45,363 It'll affect how I play the scene. 897 00:33:45,405 --> 00:33:47,741 - He was playing Pippin on Broadway. 898 00:33:47,782 --> 00:33:49,367 - No, no. 899 00:33:49,409 --> 00:33:52,370 He was at home, grieving over his wife's miscarriage. 900 00:33:52,412 --> 00:33:54,205 - Oh, Jesus Christ. - Oh, yeah. 901 00:33:54,247 --> 00:33:55,582 Oh, I like that. You're good. 902 00:33:55,623 --> 00:33:58,376 You should get into the business. 903 00:33:58,418 --> 00:33:59,961 - The fuck is wrong with you? - What? 904 00:34:00,003 --> 00:34:02,088 We'll get one like this and then we'll try it your way. 905 00:34:02,130 --> 00:34:03,757 All right? Jesus fucking Christ. 906 00:34:06,509 --> 00:34:09,304 - Yeah, in case anyone else needs a drink too. 907 00:34:09,346 --> 00:34:11,556 What the hell are you talking about, Derek? 908 00:34:11,598 --> 00:34:13,892 - Clive? 909 00:34:13,933 --> 00:34:16,061 - Dad? 910 00:34:16,102 --> 00:34:17,312 Is that you? 911 00:34:17,354 --> 00:34:19,022 - It's me, son. 912 00:34:19,064 --> 00:34:21,066 I've returned. 913 00:34:21,107 --> 00:34:22,692 [chuckles] 914 00:34:22,734 --> 00:34:25,945 - Oh, Dad, I can't believe it's really you. 915 00:34:25,987 --> 00:34:28,198 - OK, that's good. Now tell him you can't stay. 916 00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:30,158 You've got an important mission back in LA. 917 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:31,576 There's a sniper trying to take out 918 00:34:31,618 --> 00:34:33,411 the world's top surfers in Malibu. 919 00:34:33,453 --> 00:34:34,996 - I can't stay long. 920 00:34:35,038 --> 00:34:37,290 My wife and I have suffered a personal tragedy 921 00:34:37,332 --> 00:34:39,042 and she needs me at home. 922 00:34:39,084 --> 00:34:40,919 - See? It plays great. - Shut up. 923 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:43,171 - I have a stepmom? 924 00:34:43,213 --> 00:34:45,256 What's her name? - Catherine. 925 00:34:45,298 --> 00:34:46,925 She's a widowed farm owner and she's hired me 926 00:34:46,966 --> 00:34:48,968 as a farmhand at her estate. 927 00:34:49,010 --> 00:34:50,261 - Is that-- - Is he-- 928 00:34:50,303 --> 00:34:51,846 - Is that "Pippin?" - He's doing "Pippin." 929 00:34:51,888 --> 00:34:53,223 Is he fucking doing "Pippin?" - He's fucking doing "Pippin." 930 00:34:53,264 --> 00:34:54,599 God damn it, no "Pippin!" 931 00:34:54,641 --> 00:34:57,852 - But I thought you were a soldier of fortune. 932 00:34:57,894 --> 00:35:00,605 - You're blowing this, you motherfucker. 933 00:35:00,647 --> 00:35:05,110 - * Sitting on the floor and talking till dawn * 934 00:35:05,151 --> 00:35:07,320 * Candles and confidences * 935 00:35:07,362 --> 00:35:08,863 - Clive's going to beat the shit out of him. 936 00:35:08,905 --> 00:35:12,826 - * Trading old beliefs and humming old songs * 937 00:35:12,867 --> 00:35:14,119 [laughs] 938 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,204 - Clive. - Mom. 939 00:35:16,246 --> 00:35:17,789 - Oh, shit. - Oh, my God. 940 00:35:17,831 --> 00:35:19,457 - What's going on? What is all this? 941 00:35:19,499 --> 00:35:21,459 - Mom, what are you doing here? 942 00:35:21,501 --> 00:35:22,627 - Jeff Driscoll's mother told me you're having 943 00:35:22,669 --> 00:35:24,129 a party out here in the park. 944 00:35:24,170 --> 00:35:25,422 Why didn't you tell me? 945 00:35:25,463 --> 00:35:26,631 - Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 946 00:35:26,673 --> 00:35:28,717 - Mom, look. 947 00:35:28,758 --> 00:35:29,926 Dad's here. 948 00:35:29,968 --> 00:35:31,386 - Abort, abort, get the fuck out of there. 949 00:35:31,428 --> 00:35:32,971 - What are you talking about? 950 00:35:33,013 --> 00:35:35,098 That's not your dad. 951 00:35:35,140 --> 00:35:36,307 - Say that's not your mother. 952 00:35:36,349 --> 00:35:38,643 - I hate giving other actors notes, 953 00:35:38,685 --> 00:35:40,562 but I feel like you've come in so hot, 954 00:35:40,603 --> 00:35:42,397 you're not giving yourself anywhere to go. 955 00:35:42,439 --> 00:35:43,565 - Who the hell are you? 956 00:35:43,606 --> 00:35:45,692 - OK. I can't work like this. 957 00:35:45,734 --> 00:35:48,278 Let me guess, she's the producer's girlfriend. 958 00:35:48,319 --> 00:35:49,487 Bullshit. - Hang on, Mom, I'll be back. 959 00:35:49,529 --> 00:35:51,072 - That was a good note I gave her too. 960 00:35:51,114 --> 00:35:52,615 - Hey. - I'm in way over the top. 961 00:35:52,657 --> 00:35:53,658 - Hey. 962 00:35:53,700 --> 00:35:55,493 What the fuck is going on here? 963 00:35:55,535 --> 00:35:57,954 Are you not really my dad? - No. 964 00:35:57,996 --> 00:36:00,331 These two guys paid me to come here and play your father. 965 00:36:00,373 --> 00:36:01,624 But let me tell you something. 966 00:36:01,666 --> 00:36:04,169 This is the most shoddy, disorganized production 967 00:36:04,210 --> 00:36:05,503 I have ever been a part of. 968 00:36:05,545 --> 00:36:08,089 John Rubinstein would never stand for this, 969 00:36:08,131 --> 00:36:10,383 and neither will I. 970 00:36:13,011 --> 00:36:15,347 - Oh, fucking cock fuck. 971 00:36:15,388 --> 00:36:17,182 - Is this some kind of fucking joke? 972 00:36:17,223 --> 00:36:18,391 - Oh, shit. 973 00:36:18,433 --> 00:36:19,476 - Oh God, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. 974 00:36:19,517 --> 00:36:21,436 - Clive, Clive, just listen. OK? 975 00:36:21,478 --> 00:36:22,771 - You motherfucker! 976 00:36:22,812 --> 00:36:25,231 You think you can fuck with my head and live? 977 00:36:25,273 --> 00:36:27,525 I am about to beat the face off of you. 978 00:36:27,567 --> 00:36:29,861 You're dead, both of you. You're fucking dead. 979 00:36:29,903 --> 00:36:31,154 - Ah! 980 00:36:31,196 --> 00:36:32,655 - Clive, Clive, just wait one minute, all right? 981 00:36:32,697 --> 00:36:34,574 Before you kill us, just hear us out. 982 00:36:34,616 --> 00:36:37,077 Look, I'm sorry we lied and said we were your dad. 983 00:36:37,118 --> 00:36:38,453 But think about it. 984 00:36:38,495 --> 00:36:40,413 What is a dad? 985 00:36:40,455 --> 00:36:42,248 It's someone who believes in you, 986 00:36:42,290 --> 00:36:44,209 someone who roots for you to do your best, 987 00:36:44,250 --> 00:36:47,170 and who's proud of you when you work hard and you win. 988 00:36:47,212 --> 00:36:48,838 - We did that. 989 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:50,382 - What do you mean? 990 00:36:50,423 --> 00:36:53,009 - We told you you could pass that math test and you did it. 991 00:36:53,051 --> 00:36:54,552 Didn't that feel good? 992 00:36:54,594 --> 00:36:57,514 And when you got that B-, I mean, what an improvement. 993 00:36:57,555 --> 00:36:59,224 We were there pulling for you. 994 00:36:59,265 --> 00:37:01,976 We were encouraging you to reach your full potential. 995 00:37:02,018 --> 00:37:03,353 - We did all that. 996 00:37:03,395 --> 00:37:04,938 And didn't it feel good? 997 00:37:04,979 --> 00:37:07,148 Didn't you feel good about yourself? 998 00:37:07,190 --> 00:37:10,026 - Yeah, I-I did. 999 00:37:10,068 --> 00:37:11,820 - You've really turned things around. 1000 00:37:11,861 --> 00:37:14,239 Your grades are better. You're smiling more. 1001 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:15,573 - I am? 1002 00:37:15,615 --> 00:37:18,785 - All the guys in woodshop are saying so. 1003 00:37:18,827 --> 00:37:21,454 - I've been thinking about taking guitar lessons. 1004 00:37:21,496 --> 00:37:22,789 - You hear that? 1005 00:37:22,831 --> 00:37:24,624 He's thinking about taking guitar lessons. 1006 00:37:24,666 --> 00:37:26,584 - Well, that's fantastic. 1007 00:37:26,626 --> 00:37:29,129 - Hey, we're going to be at every recital. 1008 00:37:29,170 --> 00:37:31,047 - Really? - Absolutely. 1009 00:37:31,089 --> 00:37:33,883 We are not going anywhere. 1010 00:37:33,925 --> 00:37:35,135 - Bring it in here. 1011 00:37:35,176 --> 00:37:38,263 - [crying] 1012 00:37:38,304 --> 00:37:42,392 - We are so fucking proud of you, buddy. 1013 00:37:42,434 --> 00:37:43,893 - There you go. 1014 00:37:43,935 --> 00:37:45,145 Oh, OK, easy there. 1015 00:37:45,186 --> 00:37:46,146 Easy there, Lenny. 1016 00:37:46,187 --> 00:37:47,689 Don't kill the rabbit. 1017 00:37:47,731 --> 00:37:49,024 OK. 1018 00:37:49,065 --> 00:37:51,443 Hey, what do you say we have some cake? 1019 00:37:51,484 --> 00:37:53,695 - Yeah. - And something healthy. 1020 00:37:53,737 --> 00:37:55,321 - All right, don't undermine me in front of him. 1021 00:37:55,363 --> 00:37:57,323 - Come on, let's go. 1022 00:37:57,365 --> 00:37:59,826 [laughs] 1023 00:37:59,868 --> 00:38:02,787 - * And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon * 1024 00:38:02,829 --> 00:38:05,457 * Little boy blue and the man on the moon * 1025 00:38:05,498 --> 00:38:08,960 - I think we should try for another. 1026 00:38:09,002 --> 00:38:11,963 - * But we'll get together then * 1027 00:38:12,005 --> 00:38:15,508 * You know we'll have a good time then * 1028 00:38:15,550 --> 00:38:18,386 [Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle"] 1029 00:38:18,428 --> 00:38:23,892 * * 1030 00:38:23,933 --> 00:38:26,686 * My son turned ten just the other day * 1031 00:38:26,728 --> 00:38:28,605 * He said thanks for the ball, Dad * 1032 00:38:28,646 --> 00:38:29,814 * Come on, let's play * 1033 00:38:29,856 --> 00:38:31,316 * Can you teach me to throw * 1034 00:38:31,358 --> 00:38:32,817 * I said, not today * 1035 00:38:32,859 --> 00:38:34,361 * I got a lot to do * 1036 00:38:34,402 --> 00:38:36,196 * He said, that's OK * 1037 00:38:36,237 --> 00:38:37,530 * And he walked away * 1038 00:38:37,572 --> 00:38:38,990 * But his smile never dimmed * 1039 00:38:39,032 --> 00:38:41,826 * And said, I'm going to be like him * 1040 00:38:41,868 --> 00:38:46,498 * Yeah, you know I'm going to be like him * 1041 00:38:46,539 --> 00:38:50,001 * And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon * 1042 00:38:50,043 --> 00:38:53,254 * Little boy blue and the man on the moon * 1043 00:38:53,296 --> 00:38:54,547 * When you coming home, Dad * 1044 00:38:54,589 --> 00:38:56,174 * I don't know when * 1045 00:38:56,216 --> 00:38:58,927 * But we'll get together then * 1046 00:38:58,968 --> 00:39:02,430 * You know we'll have a good time then * 1047 00:39:02,472 --> 00:39:09,729 * * 1048 00:39:10,522 --> 00:39:13,149 * Well, he came from college just the other day *