1 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:10,176 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,887 * * 3 00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,389 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,307 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,436 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,064 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,817 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,739 [upbeat music] 9 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:34,743 * * 10 00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:37,287 - The other night I was out at a basketball game 11 00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:39,205 with my whole family. - Right. 12 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:42,042 - And I only asked this guy in front of me to just sit down 13 00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:46,004 a bit so I could see, and he beat me unmercifully. 14 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,758 He beat me very badly and my hairpiece fell off. 15 00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:51,217 [laughter] 16 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:52,302 And it was awful, because when he beat me, 17 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:54,512 my teeth were also in my hairpiece. 18 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:55,680 [laughter] 19 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,015 - Oh, man. 20 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,475 The Jerky Boys are like the greatest 21 00:00:58,516 --> 00:00:59,642 living comedy geniuses. 22 00:00:59,684 --> 00:01:01,019 - I know. 23 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,729 It's like the telephone was just 24 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,564 sitting there for 100 years and it took these two guys-- 25 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:05,815 both: To figure out what it was for. 26 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,068 - See, yeah, you understand. You understand. 27 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,737 - All right. I gotta take a leak. 28 00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:11,738 Oh, shit. 29 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:12,739 - Oh, fuck. 30 00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:14,324 Clive, 2 o'clock. 31 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,742 He follows you in there, you're a dead man. 32 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:16,743 - This is bad. 33 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,203 I really got to go. 34 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:19,579 You saw me down that Capri Sun at lunch. 35 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:20,747 - I know. You were sucking that straw 36 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,415 like it promised you a modeling contract. 37 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:23,625 But Johnny, you got to hold it. 38 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,834 - It's not safe to hold your pee. 39 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:25,877 - You got to do it, man. 40 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,253 Just think about baseball. 41 00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:28,588 - That's not how it works. 42 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,090 - Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom 43 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,591 naked on a weekend. 44 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:32,717 - What the fuck? 45 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,052 - With his hog hanging out of his robe 46 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,179 waving like a bat sleeping through an earthquake. 47 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,472 - Shut the fuck up, all right? 48 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:39,265 Just follow me in there and stand guard. 49 00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:40,934 - All right. 50 00:01:40,975 --> 00:01:43,937 [sneaky music] 51 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:50,902 * * 52 00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:56,157 All right, go on, get to peeing. 53 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,075 - All right, just watch the door. 54 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,618 - OK. 55 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:03,039 - Shit. - Go on, hurry up. 56 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,290 - I can't, all right? 57 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:05,625 There's another guy in here and I'm pee shy. 58 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,585 - Jesus Christ. Hey dude, do you mind? 59 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:08,962 My buddy's self conscious. 60 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,255 - Yeah, I thought he might be having some trouble 61 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,965 when I didn't hear anything. 62 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:15,343 I just want you to know, you take all the time you need to. 63 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,345 I won't judge. 64 00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,686 - Oh, here we go. 65 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,062 Thank you. 66 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:29,149 - That is all the thanks I need. 67 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,151 [urinal whooshes] 68 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:32,694 - Wait. 69 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,697 Jesus? 70 00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:39,951 All right. It's OK. 71 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,495 Everything's going to be OK. 72 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:44,039 - Oh shit, he's here. Wrap it up. 73 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,040 - That's not how it works. 74 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,249 - Hey, look who's here. 75 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,667 It's Bennett. 76 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,878 And he's got his little boyfriend with him. 77 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,212 [laughter] 78 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,506 - All right, Clive, what if I am his boyfriend? 79 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:55,383 What if we are having an affair? 80 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,970 I can satisfy him in a way you never could. 81 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,555 Oof! 82 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:01,931 - Better be careful, Bennett. 83 00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,850 You wouldn't want to slip! 84 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:04,934 Yeah. 85 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,144 - Nice going, Bennett. 86 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,354 Pee much? 87 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,606 [laughter] 88 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:12,359 - Why don't you go ask your mother's face? 89 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,361 Oh Jesus, I am so sorry. 90 00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:16,529 That was so over the line. 91 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,531 - What the fuck, dude? That's sick. 92 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,283 - It was out of my mouth before I knew what it was. 93 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,910 Kind of like your mother. 94 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,286 - Oh, my God, what is wrong with me? 95 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,621 I am so sorry. 96 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:26,956 I deserve what's about to happen to me. 97 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,249 - Yeah, no shit. 98 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,543 [laughter] 99 00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:32,128 Drink up, asshole. - Oh shit. 100 00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:33,254 Wait, no, not the toilet. 101 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,464 I'm not supposed to get wet. 102 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,299 It said so on my tag! 103 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,718 [toilet flushing] 104 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,596 [laughter] 105 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:44,766 - Teddy. 106 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,309 Teddy? 107 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:48,144 - Well, the joke's on us, Johnny. 108 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,646 Pipes don't go anywhere. 109 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:52,899 The kids are just flushing them back and forth all day. 110 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,526 Yuck. 111 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,070 - If you have a problem, if no one else can help, 112 00:03:57,112 --> 00:04:00,365 and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. 113 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,326 [adventurous music] 114 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:07,288 * * 115 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,456 - I've seen this episode before. 116 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:09,708 It's a good one. 117 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,084 - How can you watch that shit? 118 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,878 It's just car chases and blowing stuff up. 119 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,088 - Why did you just say two good things 120 00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:16,423 as if they're two bad things? 121 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:17,549 - Give us a break, Blaire. Jesus. 122 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,259 We had a hard day. 123 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,927 And this show is very educational. 124 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,471 We're learning about the struggles of Vietnam veterans 125 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,515 and how to turn a wood chipper into a cannon 126 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,058 that shoots cabbages. 127 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,730 - Matty, Dr. Frankel called when you were at work today. 128 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,441 He says you're overdue for a colonoscopy. 129 00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:36,109 - Yeah, I'm not getting one of those. 130 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,944 - He says it's important. 131 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,155 - That guy's a quack. - No, he's not. 132 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,448 He's very smart. 133 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,450 - Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan. 134 00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:44,743 That's one of those stereotypes. 135 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,036 - Wow. 136 00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:47,620 Even when you're technically on the right side, 137 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,748 you still find a way to ruin it. 138 00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:50,832 - What? 139 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,625 I just said they're not all smart. 140 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,502 Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money. 141 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,504 - That is beyond fucking offensive. 142 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,132 - Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews. 143 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:00,717 - Honey, it's a routine test. 144 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:03,219 You're sedated the whole time. 145 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,972 It wasn't so bad when I did it. 146 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,474 - What? 147 00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:09,059 When the hell did you have a colonoscopy? 148 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,895 - Last year when I was having my tummy troubles. 149 00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:14,272 - Where was I? - You drove me. 150 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,857 - No, I didn't. 151 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,485 - Well, I had you drop me off across the street at the mall. 152 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,820 I didn't want to worry you. 153 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:21,946 And plus you needed undershirts, 154 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,115 and Jordan Marsh was having a sale. 155 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,992 - This is hilarious. 156 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,328 You're afraid of a procedure Aunt Sue's got done 157 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,996 without even telling you. 158 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,623 - I don't remember picking you up. 159 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:34,125 - I walked home. - She walked home. 160 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,835 - It's just a couple of miles. 161 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,545 Couldn't feel my legs anyway, 162 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,714 so it didn't matter if my pumps got slushy. 163 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,717 - Well, Matty, it's your move. 164 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,637 - My move is I'm getting a beer. 165 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,348 - My results were negative. 166 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,892 Oh gosh, he seems so worried. 167 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:55,021 - Man, I wish the A-Team was real. 168 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:57,440 That way we could hire him to beat the shit out of Clive. 169 00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858 - Who's Clive? 170 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,361 - This fucking goon at school who picks on us. 171 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,238 - Is that Muriel's son Clive? 172 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,573 - I don't know, is Muriel's son a sadistic steroid bully 173 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,158 with a pee fetish? 174 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,827 - Oh, that poor boy. 175 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,037 He doesn't have a father, you know. 176 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,080 - Huh? 177 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,498 - Oh yeah, he walked out on Muriel 178 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,792 before Clive was even born. 179 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:18,545 It's probably why he's so unhappy. 180 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,380 - It's a classic defense mechanism. 181 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,048 Hurt people hurt people. 182 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,591 - Wait, wait, wait, are you saying 183 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,219 Clive is a bastard child? 184 00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,096 - His mother is so sweet. 185 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,473 Must be hard. 186 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:33,393 - Johnny, we have been blessed with information 187 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,103 we can weaponize. 188 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,229 - What do you mean? 189 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:40,066 - What would the Jerky Boys do? 190 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,443 - All right, found it. 191 00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:45,155 555-3816. [keypad beeping] 192 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:48,700 - Oh, we are going to fuck this guy's head up so bad. 193 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,161 [line trilling] 194 00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,706 - Hello? 195 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,459 - Clive, this is your father. 196 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,753 - What? - I'm your father. 197 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,921 I abandoned you when you were a baby. 198 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,591 Sorry about that. I had a rough day. 199 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,718 - Dad, is this really you? 200 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,094 - Yes, Clive. 201 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:11,681 This is so totally fucking your dad. 202 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,934 - [laughs] Dad, I knew you'd call someday. 203 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:17,645 Mom said you wouldn't, but I just knew it. 204 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,314 Where are you? 205 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,316 I mean, can I meet you? 206 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:22,609 - Holy shit, he wants to meet. 207 00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:24,361 This is fucking classic. 208 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,988 - What do I say? - Say yes. 209 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,907 Tell him to meet you at Friendly's tomorrow. 210 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:32,369 - Yeah, sure, be at Friendly's tomorrow after school. 211 00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:35,038 And wear a sailor suit. 212 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,623 - A sailor suit? 213 00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:38,541 - Yeah, I spent some time in the Navy, 214 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,794 so it's sentimental for me, you know. 215 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,588 I fought in the war. - Whoa. Which one? 216 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:45,048 - You got that right, my friend. 217 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,591 I don't like talking about it though, 218 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,343 especially in specifics. 219 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,844 - Man, that's so cool. 220 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,472 - And I mean a real sailor suit, all right? 221 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,140 Like the kid on the Cracker Jack box. 222 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,476 - But where do I get a sailor suit? 223 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,936 - You back talking me? 224 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,438 See, this smart mouth attitude is exactly why I left. 225 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,274 - Sorry. No, I'm sorry, Dad. No, I'll do it. I promise. 226 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,818 - That's more like it. 227 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,403 - Tell him to say ahoy. 228 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,988 - Oh yeah, and say ahoy to people when you get there. 229 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,950 - OK. Dad, I can't wait to meet you. 230 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,702 - Yeah, get those hopes sky high, buddy. 231 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:14,869 - I love you-- 232 00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,496 - Oh, my God, that was fucking amazing. 233 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:17,831 - That was great. 234 00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,165 - Well, we got to be there when he shows up. 235 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,167 - Totally. Wait, wait, no, no, we can't. 236 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,211 He'll see us and he'll kick our asses. 237 00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:25,171 - No, he won't. 238 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,007 This was good. This was a good plan. 239 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,175 - OK, now as far as anyone knows, 240 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,178 we're two ad executives on a business trip from Hartford 241 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,597 looking for some local talent. - Right. 242 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,307 - Hey, keep these milkshakes coming, huh? 243 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,019 - Sure thing. - You know, we're celebrating. 244 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,688 Just landed a big account. Bounty. 245 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,440 It's a very famous paper towel. 246 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,358 - Yep. I use them every day. 247 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,568 - Oh, terrific. 248 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:47,861 Well, you know, originally the slogan 249 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,946 was supposed to be the "quicker picker upper," 250 00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:53,033 but we added the word "thicker quicker picker upper." 251 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,951 Bought a summer house with that one adjective. 252 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,870 - Congratulations. - Yeah. 253 00:08:56,911 --> 00:09:01,207 My wife's miles away, even when we're in the same room. 254 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,084 You know, 255 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:07,130 she hasn't let me touch her since the miscarriage. 256 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:10,467 - I'll be back with your Fribbles. 257 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,135 - The fuck was that? 258 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,054 - What do you mean? I'm just rolling with the area. 259 00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,847 - That was fucking sad, dude. 260 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,432 - Oh, forgive me for trying to add a little gravity 261 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,017 into the backstory, all right? I mean, why are we traveling? 262 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,769 - Gravity? I want to slit my wrist. 263 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,062 - So you get to be Mr. Thicker Picker Upper 264 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,480 and I got nothing to work with over here? 265 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,065 - Sorry, did you want sprinkles? 266 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,317 - We picked out a name. The room was painted. 267 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:28,360 - Calm down. 268 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,694 - No, no, that's what everyone says. 269 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,321 I get to grieve. 270 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:34,866 [doorbell jingles] - Oh, my God, look. 271 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,577 - Ahoy. 272 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,872 - Holy shit. - He fucking wore it. 273 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,166 - Yeah. Fix your kerchief. 274 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,127 There you go. Now you're a proper seaman. 275 00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:47,754 - All right. You ready? - Yep. 276 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,839 I'm going in. 277 00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,801 Oh, maybe don't talk to the waitress while I'm gone. 278 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,344 - Just fucking go. 279 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,268 [phone ringing] 280 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,229 - Good afternoon, Friendly's. - Yeah, hi. 281 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,438 I need you to deliver a message 282 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,815 to one of your customers. 283 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,983 Dumb looking guy dressed like an idiot. 284 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,569 - Sir, this is Friendly's. Can you be more specific? 285 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,780 - The kid in the sailor suit. 286 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,411 This is his dad. I got a message for him. 287 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,666 - I have a message for you from your dad. 288 00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:28,378 He says he's not coming because you're a disappointment to him 289 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,422 and he's glad he left, 290 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:35,301 and he likes his adopted Korean kids better. 291 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,179 Sorry. 292 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:43,685 - [sobbing] 293 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,658 [doorbell jingles] 294 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,786 [continues sobbing] 295 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:09,336 [wailing] 296 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:13,048 - Man, this is way sadder than the miscarriage. 297 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,925 - His name was going to be Lawrence. 298 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,517 [mellow music] 299 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:29,105 * * 300 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,524 - You know, I still feel really shitty about yesterday. 301 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,068 - Yeah, me too. 302 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:35,362 - It's almost like Clive's an actual human being, 303 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,946 with a heart. 304 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,531 - Well, you know, I'm sure it's going to be fine. 305 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:41,701 - Hey, did you guys hear? Clive tried to kill himself. 306 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,036 - Holy shit. 307 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,580 - He ate an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins. 308 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:47,040 - Even the Bettys. 309 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,793 - Did he--did he say why he did it? 310 00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:52,045 - Who cares? I never felt more free. 311 00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:53,880 Now I can wear my Ace Of Base shirt 312 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,716 without getting my ass kicked. 313 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,551 - Shit, Teddy. What are we going to do? 314 00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:00,136 - It's out of our hands. 315 00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:01,721 If he wants to wear the shirt, he's going to wear the shirt. 316 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,390 - No, no, I mean, this is our fault. 317 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,684 If Clive wasn't an idiot, he'd be dead right now. 318 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,394 - All right. OK. You know what? 319 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,561 We can fix this. 320 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,022 - Nice shirt, queer. - Oh! 321 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,609 - Hm, nature abhors a vacuum. 322 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,653 - OK, you ready? - Yeah. 323 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,238 Hang on. Hang on one sec. 324 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,365 We got a boy's heart in our hands here. 325 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:24,202 I want to make sure I got my wits about me. 326 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,246 [inhales] 327 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,831 [coughs] 328 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:29,916 All right, I'm good. Call him. 329 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,002 [keypad beeping] 330 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:35,130 [line trilling] 331 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:40,051 - Hello? - Hey Clive. 332 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,845 It's your dad. 333 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,972 You done barfing up Bamm-Bamms? 334 00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,557 - Leave me alone. 335 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,933 - Wait, wait, just hang on. Hang on. 336 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,601 I want to apologize. 337 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,812 I'm sorry about not showing up yesterday. 338 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,272 - Then why did you do it? 339 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:54,607 And why did you leave that message? 340 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:55,692 - It was a test. 341 00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,111 - It was a test of your manhood. 342 00:12:58,153 --> 00:13:00,613 And you passed with flying colors. 343 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,992 - You said you liked your adopted Korean kids better. 344 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,326 - Oh, yeah. 345 00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:07,871 Well, you know, I don't have them anymore. 346 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,122 - You don't? 347 00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:10,498 - No, it seemed like a cool idea at the time, 348 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,125 but it was costing me a shitload, 349 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:16,338 so I had to release them back into the wild. 350 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:19,174 But that's why you are so important to me, Clive. 351 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,426 That's why our relationship is so important. 352 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,636 - Well then, can I meet you for real? 353 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,472 - Yes. 354 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,681 Eventually. Eventually. 355 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:29,309 But right now, I'm kind of busy with work. 356 00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:31,144 - What do you do? - What do I do? 357 00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,104 - Ad exec trying to have kids? 358 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,647 - Jesus, what the fuck is it with you with that-- 359 00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:38,276 I'm a soldier of fortune in the Los Angeles underground. 360 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,486 - Whoa. 361 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,071 - Yeah, me and these other crack commandos 362 00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:43,990 fight injustice from our van. 363 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,992 - That's so cool. 364 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,535 - Yeah, if people have a problem 365 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:50,080 and if no one else can help and if you can find us, 366 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,249 maybe you can hire me and my friends. 367 00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:55,293 That's kind of like our slogan. 368 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,129 - Wow. My dad has a van. 369 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:02,008 - Yeah, anyway, I'll keep in touch and do good in school. 370 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,260 - [scoffs] I suck at school. 371 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:06,471 I have a math test tomorrow I'm probably going to fail. 372 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,722 - Oh, come on. 373 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,849 I bet you're smarter at math than you think. 374 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:14,312 Like OK, like, if a bully beats up 10 kids for their sexuality 375 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,398 and 20% of them are in the choir 376 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,526 so they get extra beatings, how many go to the hospital? 377 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,612 - Um, two. 378 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:27,033 - Guess what, Mr. I Can't? You just did math. 379 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,868 I'll talk to you later. [keypad beeps] 380 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,578 - I think we fixed it. 381 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:31,746 - Yeah, I think so too. 382 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:32,872 - I feel really good right now. 383 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,582 - I feel so good. - We're good people. 384 00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:36,876 - Yeah, if he kills himself now, it's from other stuff. 385 00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:40,797 [school bell ringing] 386 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:44,968 [chatter] 387 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,928 - Why were these burgers just, like, 388 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,555 sitting in a tray of water? 389 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:49,973 - Yeah, I don't know why they do that. 390 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,224 - Yeah, every time it's burger day, 391 00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:53,435 there they are, just sitting in water. 392 00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:54,978 - I don't know. It seems normal. 393 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,647 Have the guys over, water up some burgers, watch the game. 394 00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,940 - Hey, you know what's weird? 395 00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:00,275 - What? 396 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,485 - I've been, like, thinking about Clive. 397 00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:04,404 - Yeah, me too. - You have? 398 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,531 - Yeah, like I've actually been wondering 399 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,241 how he did on that test. 400 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,452 - Me too. It's fucked up, right? 401 00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,120 It's like I actually give a shit about him. 402 00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,581 - Johnny, look. 403 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,002 - I don't know why he hangs out with those boys. 404 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:21,212 They're a bad influence. 405 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,422 - I think Coach Johnson... 406 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,591 - Holy shit. I think that's his test. 407 00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:27,052 Wait, don't look, don't look, don't look now. 408 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,595 - What does it say? - I don't know. 409 00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,722 There's a grade on the front, but I can't see it. 410 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:32,724 We got to get a closer look. 411 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:36,978 - That sounds really tough. 412 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,688 [chatter] 413 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:42,901 They know how to make corn and they don't touch it. 414 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,444 - What the fuck do you want, Bennett? 415 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,613 - Nothing. Nothing. You know, I'm just-- 416 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,114 I'm just--I'm just walking around. 417 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:49,783 You know how I be. - Yeah? 418 00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,034 [laughter] 419 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,702 Eat a dick, asshole. 420 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,247 - C+. 421 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,665 - [gasps] He passed. 422 00:15:57,707 --> 00:15:58,750 - He passed. 423 00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,627 - Oh, my God, I knew he could do it. 424 00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:03,171 Great job, buddy. 425 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,507 - Our little genius. 426 00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:09,177 * * 427 00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:11,179 - Matty, you can't keep putting it off. 428 00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:12,806 - Yes, I can. It's my body. 429 00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,099 - But the doctor said-- 430 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,475 - I don't care what the doctor says. 431 00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:17,102 I don't care what the doctor says. 432 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,645 I'm not doing it. 433 00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:22,941 If you ask me one more time, I'm going to stay at a motel. 434 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,694 - Matty, why are you so resistant to a colonoscopy? 435 00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:27,320 - Oh Christ, not you too. 436 00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:29,531 - Look, I know it's scary to think about 437 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,533 what they might find, but early detection is-- 438 00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,743 - You think I'm worried about cancer? 439 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:36,413 You get cancer, you don't have to pay taxes. 440 00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,164 - I don't think that's true. 441 00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:39,666 - Not if liberals have their way. 442 00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,793 All I'm saying is, get your cancer now. 443 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:45,171 - Look, cut the shit and just tell me the truth. 444 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:47,799 Why won't you get the colonoscopy? 445 00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:53,888 - When they put you under, you're not in control. 446 00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:55,223 All right? 447 00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:58,435 You can say some shit and not even remember it. 448 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,103 I don't want to say stuff. 449 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,312 - Jesus. 450 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,772 There's things you're not saying? 451 00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:05,734 - I just--I don't want anybody to find out my secrets. 452 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:06,735 - What secrets? 453 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:07,986 - I got secrets. 454 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,320 - OK, well, what the fuck do you care 455 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,488 what some doctor thinks of them? 456 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,157 - Doctors talk. This is a small town. 457 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,658 I don't want to ruin my reputation. 458 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,785 - You're banned from Dunkin' Donuts. 459 00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:18,705 Listen to me. You got to do this. OK? 460 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,582 You catch colon cancer too late, you're dead. 461 00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:22,292 You'd be leaving John and Suze on their own. 462 00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,544 You really want to do that? 463 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,840 - All right. I'll go in there. 464 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,050 - Great. 465 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,010 - But you got to go with me. 466 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,845 - To your colonoscopy? - Yeah. 467 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:34,929 - Why? 468 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,389 - Because when they drug me up, 469 00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:38,224 if I start saying anything about Vietnam, 470 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:39,559 you got to make a lot of noise. 471 00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,227 - Why? What happened in Viet-- 472 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:44,230 - La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Like that. 473 00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:45,231 You got it? - Mm-mm. 474 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:47,067 - No, you don't. Let's practice. 475 00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:49,194 It's me. Here's the doctor. 476 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,947 Hey Doc, this one time in Vietnam-- 477 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,157 right, that's you. 478 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,742 - La, la, la, la. 479 00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:57,202 - No, you got to be louder and faster. 480 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,829 Come on. Again. One time in Vietnam, Doc-- 481 00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:01,414 - La, la, la, la, la. - Keep going. 482 00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:02,665 One time in Vietnam. 483 00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,708 Louder. 484 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,543 One time in Vietnam. Keep going. 485 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,087 Keep going. - I'm fucking trying. 486 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:08,213 - There was this one time in Vietnam. 487 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,339 Keep going. 488 00:18:09,381 --> 00:18:10,924 I'm about to spill my secrets! 489 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:14,260 - What is going on in here? 490 00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:16,262 - I'll get the colonoscopy. 491 00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:18,056 - You will? 492 00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:20,016 Oh, thank God. 493 00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:21,351 [laughs] 494 00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:24,604 Oh, I feel like it's Christmas. 495 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,273 - I just want this family to know that from here on out, 496 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,151 I'm going for full-on alcoholism. 497 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,034 - Hey, am I crazy? 498 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,328 I kind of want to call Clive and tell him he did good. 499 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:41,955 - I know. Me too. 500 00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:44,749 I mean, he obviously studied so hard for that test. 501 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,126 - Yeah, he should know his dad's proud of him. 502 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,460 - Yeah. 503 00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:48,712 But, but, but, do we want to send the message 504 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,088 that all we care about is grades? 505 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,798 - Well, I mean, he can't live up to our expectations 506 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,216 if we don't set any. 507 00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:55,552 - Yeah, but I want him to do well for him, not for us. 508 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,303 - Let's just call him. - OK. 509 00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:00,974 [keypad beeping] 510 00:19:01,016 --> 00:19:04,060 [line trilling] 511 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,186 - Hello? 512 00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,313 - Hey Clive. It's your dad. 513 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,149 - Dad. Hey, guess what? 514 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,859 I totally aced that test. 515 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,402 I got a C+. 516 00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,154 - Well, how about that? 517 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,363 Good for you, champ. 518 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,823 That's great. 519 00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:19,159 That's not really ace, but wow, good job. 520 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,618 - Hey, I know you're busy and all, 521 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,288 but my birthday's coming up on Saturday 522 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:26,833 and I was wondering if maybe I could see you. 523 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:31,338 - Ah, yeah, sorry pal, I got a work thing. 524 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,007 - I just wish I could meet you just once. 525 00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:35,342 - I know. Me too. 526 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,843 But it's an important mission. 527 00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:38,887 We found a terrorist base under the roller rink, 528 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,930 so we're going undercover as coke dealers. 529 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:43,767 And if we find love along the way, we'll take it. 530 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:44,934 - Oh. 531 00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,145 - But hey, maybe next year, huh? 532 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,356 - Yeah, sure. 533 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:50,899 - And great job on that test. 534 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,525 All right, I'll talk to you later. 535 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:56,363 - Bye, Dad. [line clicks] 536 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,698 - Man, I feel really bad letting him down again. 537 00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:00,283 - Yeah, we got to make it up to him. 538 00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:01,785 You know what? 539 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:05,288 His dad needs to send him a really great birthday gift. 540 00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:08,291 [bright music] 541 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:13,380 * * 542 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,923 Oh, what about this? 543 00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:16,383 Sega Genesis. 544 00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,051 - Yeah, I don't know. - Why not? 545 00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:19,552 - I'm just worried he's going to spend all day in his room 546 00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:21,221 instead of playing outside. 547 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,389 What about a baseball glove? 548 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:23,765 - He doesn't like playing sports. 549 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:25,225 - Well, that doesn't mean we shouldn't encourage it. 550 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:26,935 - Baseball's your dream, not his. 551 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:29,479 - Oh, my fucking God. - Look, it's his 17th birthday. 552 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:30,605 He'll be an adult soon. 553 00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,023 We don't have many of these left. 554 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,733 - I just feel like you're always trying to spoil him. 555 00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,068 You know, you can't buy his affections. 556 00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:36,528 - I am not trying to buy his-- - Yes, you are. 557 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,113 You're trying to buy his affections 558 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,489 because you're never at home. - You're too strict with him. 559 00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:40,740 You always have been. 560 00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:41,950 - Well, somebody has to be the bad cop. 561 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,743 And frankly, I feel like it's shitty of you 562 00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,328 to always dump that on me. - You know what? 563 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,746 None of this shit matters anyway, 564 00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:49,040 because we only got 20 bucks. - Oh yeah, you're right. 565 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,542 What are we going to do? 566 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,585 - Where's the menswear? 567 00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,879 OK, that's good. Get ready. 568 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,340 OK, now turn right. - This is so fucking stupid. 569 00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:59,175 Why don't I just wear the coat myself? 570 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:00,593 - Extra height, Johnny. 571 00:21:00,635 --> 00:21:03,096 When you're tall, people assume you're in charge. 572 00:21:03,138 --> 00:21:05,432 Hey, why don't you go ahead and take the rest of the day off? 573 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:08,435 - Wow, thank you, tall supervisor. 574 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,186 - See? - OK, which way am I going? 575 00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:12,022 - All right, straight for a bit then you're going to turn. 576 00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:13,940 - Talk louder. Your feet are blocking my ears. 577 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:15,608 - Hard left, hard left, hard left! 578 00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:16,901 - Jesus. What the fuck was that? 579 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,445 - Go straight. Just go straight. 580 00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:19,571 - Well, fucking tell me when I'm going to bump 581 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,072 into something--fucking A! - Watch out! 582 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,241 - C'mon, you got to warn me. - OK, it's good. It's good. 583 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,534 We're good for a minute. - My head hurts. 584 00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:25,618 - Oh, this is going to be a problem. 585 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,454 Fuck, shit. - The fuck is that? 586 00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:28,955 - Don't go that way. - Can I turn around? 587 00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:30,707 - Oh shit. [overlapping shouting] 588 00:21:30,749 --> 00:21:32,125 Sideways. - Which sideways? 589 00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:34,085 - Go sideways. [both yelp] 590 00:21:37,714 --> 00:21:40,342 Excellent work. You can take your lunch now. 591 00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:48,725 - Look, we weren't even stealing it for us. OK? 592 00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,185 We were stealing it for a kid who doesn't have a dad. 593 00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:52,145 And that's not even really shoplifting, right? 594 00:21:52,187 --> 00:21:53,646 - [scoffs] Nice try. 595 00:21:53,688 --> 00:21:55,106 You boys are in big time trouble. 596 00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:56,608 I'm going to need your parents' phone numbers. 597 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,318 - My parents are out of town. 598 00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,486 - I don't have parents on account of 599 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,071 I'm a Teddy bear that came alive. 600 00:22:01,112 --> 00:22:03,365 - All right, look, it's really important to us 601 00:22:03,406 --> 00:22:05,742 that we help this kid, OK? 602 00:22:05,784 --> 00:22:07,786 Haven't you ever had something that was just really, 603 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,079 really important to you, something that you'd 604 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:10,705 do anything to make happen? 605 00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:13,375 Like maybe you wanted to be the best security guard in Boston. 606 00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:14,709 - [scoffs] No. 607 00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:17,337 No, I never wanted to be a security guard. 608 00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:19,172 I really wanted to be an actor. 609 00:22:19,214 --> 00:22:20,382 - Oh wow. 610 00:22:20,423 --> 00:22:22,801 Oh, this just got so much worse. 611 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,345 - Acting is my real passion. 612 00:22:25,387 --> 00:22:27,222 When I was in my 20s, 613 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:30,016 I did this community theater production on "Pippin." 614 00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:32,686 And when the show ended, I found out 615 00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:36,147 that John Rubinstein was in the audience. 616 00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,607 - Oh, my God. - Oh wow. 617 00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:39,609 - Who was, of course, the original Pippin. 618 00:22:39,651 --> 00:22:40,610 - I was about to say. - That's the guy. 619 00:22:40,652 --> 00:22:41,695 That's the guy. 620 00:22:41,736 --> 00:22:42,946 - Fucking God damn right he was. 621 00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:45,198 - And he actually came backstage after the show 622 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,034 and he walked up to me and I can still see his face 623 00:22:48,076 --> 00:22:50,537 and he said, I really enjoyed the show. 624 00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:52,747 You were all wonderful. 625 00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,916 I was like, oh, my God, what a moment. 626 00:22:54,958 --> 00:22:56,126 - Amazing. 627 00:22:56,167 --> 00:22:57,460 I mean, it's amazing just even hearing it. 628 00:22:57,502 --> 00:22:58,712 I wasn't there, but just hearing you talk about it. 629 00:22:58,753 --> 00:22:59,879 - Yeah, it was him in the flesh. 630 00:22:59,921 --> 00:23:01,673 And to have the kindness to say, 631 00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:03,675 because obviously I was Pippin. 632 00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:05,051 - Of course. Yeah. 633 00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:06,803 - Yeah, I mean you, Burt, 634 00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:09,014 are not going to do "Pippin" if you're not Pippin. 635 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:11,725 - To have the kindness to say, you are all wonderful. 636 00:23:11,766 --> 00:23:13,143 Because you see, the rest of the cast 637 00:23:13,184 --> 00:23:14,227 was right there with me. 638 00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:15,645 So he couldn't really single me out 639 00:23:15,687 --> 00:23:17,355 because that would have been dismissive to them. 640 00:23:17,397 --> 00:23:19,524 - Oh yeah. You can't do that. - Sure, sure, sure. 641 00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:20,942 - But he gave me a look. 642 00:23:20,984 --> 00:23:23,570 John Rubinstein gave me a look and that look said, 643 00:23:23,611 --> 00:23:26,364 you are on the stairway to stardom. 644 00:23:26,406 --> 00:23:27,741 - Oh, good Christ. 645 00:23:27,782 --> 00:23:30,035 Wow, wow. - That's what I said too. 646 00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:33,079 Well, I guess life had other plans for me. 647 00:23:33,121 --> 00:23:34,998 But that's OK. 648 00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:39,711 * Everything has its season * 649 00:23:39,753 --> 00:23:42,339 * Everything has its time * 650 00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:43,923 * Show me a reason * 651 00:23:43,965 --> 00:23:46,760 * And I'll soon show you a rhyme * 652 00:23:46,801 --> 00:23:49,346 * Cats fit on the windowsill * 653 00:23:49,387 --> 00:23:51,765 * Children fit in the snow * 654 00:23:51,806 --> 00:23:54,434 * So why do I feel like I don't fit in * 655 00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:58,271 * Anywhere I go * 656 00:23:58,313 --> 00:24:00,273 Oh, sorry. 657 00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:01,733 Wow. 658 00:24:01,775 --> 00:24:03,651 Wow, that felt fucking great. 659 00:24:03,693 --> 00:24:05,111 Right? - Yeah. 660 00:24:05,153 --> 00:24:06,446 - Wow. 661 00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:07,655 - Was that a moment just then we had? 662 00:24:07,697 --> 00:24:09,032 - Wait, that was a moment? That was a real-- 663 00:24:09,074 --> 00:24:10,700 - I think it was. - I couldn't even hear you. 664 00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,786 Someone was playing the original 665 00:24:12,827 --> 00:24:14,412 cast recording of "Pippin." 666 00:24:14,454 --> 00:24:16,915 - It's like a rope connected us that only we saw the rope. 667 00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,458 - All three of us. All three of us. 668 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:19,834 We are one. - Tighter and tighter... 669 00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:21,503 - We were one organism in that moment. 670 00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:22,837 - My feet are tingling. - Wow. 671 00:24:22,879 --> 00:24:25,882 1,000 wows and more wows on top of that. 672 00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:28,551 I feel like this was time well spent. 673 00:24:28,593 --> 00:24:29,761 - Yeah, we got a lot accomplished. 674 00:24:29,803 --> 00:24:31,012 - Was it not? both: Yeah. 675 00:24:31,054 --> 00:24:32,514 - You guys-- you guys can go ahead. 676 00:24:32,555 --> 00:24:33,807 - We're good to go, right? - Absolutely. 677 00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:35,058 - Thank you. Thank you, man. 678 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,184 Really appreciate it. This was wonderful. 679 00:24:36,226 --> 00:24:37,394 - Yeah. 680 00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:38,645 - We're all going to go our separate ways, 681 00:24:38,687 --> 00:24:39,646 but we'll take a piece of today with us. 682 00:24:39,688 --> 00:24:41,189 - Thanks for letting me sing. 683 00:24:41,231 --> 00:24:42,857 - Jesus, that was a fucking nightmare. 684 00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,150 - You are telling me, Johnny. 685 00:24:44,192 --> 00:24:45,652 This has got to stop. 686 00:24:45,694 --> 00:24:47,320 - I know. It's gotten out of control. 687 00:24:47,362 --> 00:24:49,114 I mean, I care about what happens to Clive, 688 00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:50,740 but we're acting like fucking lunatics. 689 00:24:50,782 --> 00:24:53,410 - Raising Clive is not our responsibility. 690 00:24:53,451 --> 00:24:54,869 We got to tell him the truth. 691 00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:56,788 [PA system chimes] 692 00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:58,998 - * Everything has its season * 693 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,418 * Everything has its time * 694 00:25:01,459 --> 00:25:06,214 * We've got a very big sale on aisle nine * 695 00:25:06,256 --> 00:25:07,382 - It might be time to go. 696 00:25:07,424 --> 00:25:08,675 - * Cats fit on the windowsill * 697 00:25:08,717 --> 00:25:10,468 * Children fit in the snow * 698 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:16,808 * * 699 00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:20,854 - I don't like this. This was a bad idea. 700 00:25:20,895 --> 00:25:22,981 - Will you fucking relax? It's going to be fine. 701 00:25:23,023 --> 00:25:25,525 - You hear the word Vietnam, you yell like the place 702 00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:27,110 is burning down. Do you understand me? 703 00:25:27,152 --> 00:25:28,987 - Yes. Jesus Christ. Calm down. 704 00:25:29,029 --> 00:25:30,822 - Good morning, Mr. Bennett. 705 00:25:30,864 --> 00:25:32,157 We are all set to begin your procedure. 706 00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:33,867 - Yeah, listen, this is my niece. 707 00:25:33,908 --> 00:25:36,619 She's going to be with me in the room there. 708 00:25:36,661 --> 00:25:39,456 - Oh, I'm afraid that's not allowed. 709 00:25:39,497 --> 00:25:40,874 - What do you fucking mean? 710 00:25:40,915 --> 00:25:42,667 - It's against hospital policy. 711 00:25:42,709 --> 00:25:44,127 - No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute. 712 00:25:44,169 --> 00:25:45,879 Wait a minute. You don't understand. 713 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,133 She's always with me for every colonoscopy, right? 714 00:25:50,175 --> 00:25:51,468 - Yes. 715 00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:56,723 I love watching and it's my half birthday today, 716 00:25:56,765 --> 00:25:59,517 so treating myself. [chuckles] 717 00:25:59,559 --> 00:26:03,146 - Well, that's interesting, but it's medical staff only. 718 00:26:03,188 --> 00:26:04,272 I really am sorry. 719 00:26:04,314 --> 00:26:05,774 - Give us a minute, OK? 720 00:26:07,776 --> 00:26:09,736 - Get under the gurney. - What? 721 00:26:09,778 --> 00:26:11,988 - Hide under the gurney. - I am not doing that. 722 00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:14,074 - Blaire, you got to be in the room in case I talk. 723 00:26:14,115 --> 00:26:15,492 - Matty, these people don't care about 724 00:26:15,533 --> 00:26:16,993 your stupid goddamn secret, OK? 725 00:26:17,035 --> 00:26:18,828 They're professionals. They've heard everything. 726 00:26:18,870 --> 00:26:20,330 - I don't trust them. 727 00:26:20,372 --> 00:26:21,831 You don't become a butt doctor unless you're into 728 00:26:21,873 --> 00:26:23,083 some really weird shit. 729 00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:25,752 Some of these guys, it's sexual for them. 730 00:26:25,794 --> 00:26:27,462 - This is not sexual for them. 731 00:26:27,504 --> 00:26:30,048 - I'll give you $300. 732 00:26:30,090 --> 00:26:31,716 - Seriously? - You're always whining about 733 00:26:31,758 --> 00:26:33,051 how expensive your textbooks are. 734 00:26:33,093 --> 00:26:35,095 300 bucks. 735 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,184 - You have lost your fucking mind. 736 00:26:43,019 --> 00:26:45,271 - Dr. Fisher to OR prep room three. 737 00:26:45,313 --> 00:26:48,316 Dr. Fisher, OR prep room three. 738 00:26:48,358 --> 00:26:55,323 * * 739 00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:02,789 - All right, Mr. Bennett, 740 00:27:02,831 --> 00:27:05,125 I need you to count backward from 100. 741 00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:09,546 - 100, 99, 98... 742 00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:11,006 - All right, he's out. 743 00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:13,341 - [laughing] OK. Wow. What a weirdo. 744 00:27:13,383 --> 00:27:15,677 Guy wanted his niece to come in here with him. 745 00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:17,637 - Oh, I heard that. That's bizarre. 746 00:27:17,679 --> 00:27:19,014 - Absolutely. 747 00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,640 - Let's see what he's working with here. 748 00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:22,976 [all yelling and laughing] 749 00:27:23,018 --> 00:27:24,978 - Oh, my God. - Damn, look at that! 750 00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:26,813 Hair on the tip. That's a new one. 751 00:27:26,855 --> 00:27:28,982 - Yuck. His poor wife, huh? 752 00:27:29,024 --> 00:27:31,151 - I was just thinking that. 753 00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:34,738 - Guys, I got to be honest. This is sexual for me. 754 00:27:34,779 --> 00:27:39,409 * * 755 00:27:39,451 --> 00:27:41,161 - Look, we just got to tell him the truth. 756 00:27:41,202 --> 00:27:42,912 - You know he's going to kick our asses. 757 00:27:42,954 --> 00:27:44,622 - Look, the key to not getting hurt in a fight 758 00:27:44,664 --> 00:27:47,917 is staying loose, like a drunk guy in an accident. 759 00:27:47,959 --> 00:27:49,627 That's why the Kennedys are always fine 760 00:27:49,669 --> 00:27:52,964 after they fuck up their cars. 761 00:27:53,006 --> 00:27:56,259 Oh, hey Clive, can we--can we talk to you for a second? 762 00:27:56,301 --> 00:27:58,136 - What do you two fucknuts want? 763 00:27:58,178 --> 00:28:01,514 - Look, there's no easy way to say this, 764 00:28:01,556 --> 00:28:04,392 but, um, it's about your dad. 765 00:28:04,434 --> 00:28:05,852 - What about my dad? 766 00:28:05,894 --> 00:28:09,314 - Um, your dad, uh, 767 00:28:09,356 --> 00:28:13,401 invited us to your birthday party. 768 00:28:13,443 --> 00:28:15,362 And he said he's going to be there too 769 00:28:15,403 --> 00:28:16,488 and we just wanted to say 770 00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:18,531 we are so excited just to be part of it. 771 00:28:18,573 --> 00:28:19,949 - What are you talking about? 772 00:28:19,991 --> 00:28:21,284 I'm not having a party. 773 00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:22,744 He said he wasn't going to be around. 774 00:28:22,786 --> 00:28:25,747 - That's because it's a surprise. 775 00:28:25,789 --> 00:28:27,374 - Yeah. - Oh no, I spoiled it! 776 00:28:27,415 --> 00:28:28,458 - Oh, Teddy, oh! 777 00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:29,709 - We weren't supposed to say anything. 778 00:28:29,751 --> 00:28:31,378 - Fuck. - I knew it. 779 00:28:31,419 --> 00:28:32,879 I knew he'd show up. 780 00:28:32,921 --> 00:28:34,381 Oh, it's probably going to be huge 781 00:28:34,422 --> 00:28:36,591 if even you two losers are invited. 782 00:28:36,633 --> 00:28:37,759 Hell yeah. 783 00:28:37,801 --> 00:28:40,011 [laughter] 784 00:28:40,053 --> 00:28:41,429 - What the fuck is wrong with you? 785 00:28:41,471 --> 00:28:43,056 - I know, but did you see the look in his eye? 786 00:28:43,098 --> 00:28:44,557 He's like fucking Charles Manson. 787 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:46,226 - What the fuck are we supposed to do now? 788 00:28:46,267 --> 00:28:48,228 He thinks his dad's showing up. - I don't know. 789 00:28:48,269 --> 00:28:50,355 We find somebody to be his dad. - Well, fucking who? 790 00:28:50,397 --> 00:28:52,816 - I don't know. We find an actor or something. 791 00:28:52,857 --> 00:28:55,318 - Ah, shit. 792 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,655 * * 793 00:28:58,697 --> 00:29:01,950 - All right, we got balloons, a cake. 794 00:29:01,991 --> 00:29:03,410 Do you think he's too old for a piñata? 795 00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:04,661 - Yeah, I don't think we want to put 796 00:29:04,703 --> 00:29:05,912 a bat in his hands, Johnny. 797 00:29:05,954 --> 00:29:08,581 - Oh yeah, good call. 798 00:29:08,623 --> 00:29:10,750 - Oh. How did it go? 799 00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:12,669 - It was a living nightmare. 800 00:29:12,711 --> 00:29:14,087 - Matty, how you feeling? 801 00:29:14,129 --> 00:29:15,672 - Doc says I'm clean as a whistle. 802 00:29:15,714 --> 00:29:16,715 Nothing to worry about. 803 00:29:16,756 --> 00:29:18,091 - That's not all the doctor said. 804 00:29:18,133 --> 00:29:19,509 - What do you mean? 805 00:29:19,551 --> 00:29:22,470 - It was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. 806 00:29:22,512 --> 00:29:25,306 - Blaire, what happened? 807 00:29:27,642 --> 00:29:29,561 - Matty made me go into the operating room with him, so-- 808 00:29:29,602 --> 00:29:30,770 - Blaire, what the hell? 809 00:29:30,812 --> 00:29:31,771 - To shut him up if the drugs made him 810 00:29:31,813 --> 00:29:33,023 say some shit about Vietnam. 811 00:29:33,064 --> 00:29:34,315 - You're not getting those 300 bucks! 812 00:29:34,357 --> 00:29:36,109 - I don't care. This has to end. 813 00:29:36,151 --> 00:29:38,111 Nothing is worth what I went through today. 814 00:29:38,153 --> 00:29:39,237 Do you know where they put the wand 815 00:29:39,279 --> 00:29:41,031 when they're done with it? I do. 816 00:29:41,072 --> 00:29:43,033 - What secret? What is she talking about? 817 00:29:43,074 --> 00:29:44,993 - Forget it, Susan. - No, Matty, this is insane. 818 00:29:45,035 --> 00:29:46,453 You have to talk about it and move on, 819 00:29:46,494 --> 00:29:48,288 because I am not fucking doing that again 820 00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:49,456 in five years. - Just drop it! 821 00:29:49,497 --> 00:29:50,790 - What'd you do? Desert your platoon? 822 00:29:50,832 --> 00:29:52,000 Go AWOL? 823 00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:53,043 Did you accidentally shoot Bob Hope? 824 00:29:53,084 --> 00:29:54,044 What? - I wish. 825 00:29:54,085 --> 00:29:55,295 I could live with that. 826 00:29:55,337 --> 00:29:57,130 - Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll understand. 827 00:29:57,172 --> 00:29:58,631 - No, you won't. This was war. 828 00:29:58,673 --> 00:30:00,133 - For Christ's sake, Matty, we're your family. 829 00:30:00,175 --> 00:30:01,468 Just fucking tell us. 830 00:30:01,509 --> 00:30:03,511 - I jacked off a dog! 831 00:30:07,057 --> 00:30:09,351 - What the fuck? 832 00:30:09,392 --> 00:30:10,894 - Oh, my God. 833 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:12,604 - You guys said you'd understand. 834 00:30:12,645 --> 00:30:15,106 - That was before we knew how fucked up it was. 835 00:30:15,148 --> 00:30:16,900 - You've never been to war. Things happen. 836 00:30:16,941 --> 00:30:18,151 - Not that. No. 837 00:30:18,193 --> 00:30:20,070 Why the fuck would you jack off a dog? 838 00:30:20,111 --> 00:30:22,364 - Whose dog was it? 839 00:30:38,213 --> 00:30:41,174 - My platoon was camped in the jungle 840 00:30:41,216 --> 00:30:45,011 about two clicks south of the Do Lung Bridge. 841 00:30:45,053 --> 00:30:47,222 Our dog Scout was with us... 842 00:30:47,263 --> 00:30:51,851 [chuckles] Chewing on some dinner scraps. 843 00:30:51,893 --> 00:30:54,354 My buddy Donny and I were about to start the night watch 844 00:30:54,396 --> 00:30:59,609 when we noticed... Scout had an erection. 845 00:30:59,651 --> 00:31:02,195 - Well, you were very handsome back then. 846 00:31:02,237 --> 00:31:04,989 - Just let me do this, Susan. 847 00:31:07,659 --> 00:31:10,870 We waited for it to go away on its own, but it didn't. 848 00:31:10,912 --> 00:31:12,664 It was obviously stuck. 849 00:31:12,706 --> 00:31:15,208 Now, that could be dangerous for a dog, 850 00:31:15,250 --> 00:31:17,752 especially in the jungle-- it gets infected. 851 00:31:17,794 --> 00:31:19,754 He could have died. 852 00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:24,718 We didn't have a medic with us. I had to do something. 853 00:31:24,759 --> 00:31:29,014 I tried to ease it back in, 854 00:31:29,055 --> 00:31:31,057 but it popped out. 855 00:31:31,099 --> 00:31:32,934 So I tried again. 856 00:31:32,976 --> 00:31:34,894 No good. 857 00:31:34,936 --> 00:31:36,354 Time was running out. 858 00:31:36,396 --> 00:31:38,606 Let me tell you, that dog had sniffed out 859 00:31:38,648 --> 00:31:40,734 more landmines than I could count. 860 00:31:40,775 --> 00:31:44,946 He had saved all of our lives, so I had to keep trying. 861 00:31:47,365 --> 00:31:51,494 And that's when it happened. 862 00:31:51,536 --> 00:31:56,541 He made a noise like a bark, but happier. 863 00:31:59,377 --> 00:32:04,007 Then he went back to his food. 864 00:32:04,049 --> 00:32:05,759 Donny and I didn't make eye contact 865 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:08,636 for the rest of the war. 866 00:32:17,145 --> 00:32:21,107 For God's sake, somebody say something. 867 00:32:21,149 --> 00:32:24,694 - You soldiers gave so much. 868 00:32:30,575 --> 00:32:35,080 - I-I think you did the right thing. 869 00:32:35,121 --> 00:32:38,416 Very heroic. 870 00:32:38,458 --> 00:32:40,543 - Yeah. 871 00:32:40,585 --> 00:32:44,631 Great job, Dad. 872 00:32:44,673 --> 00:32:50,095 - You did it there so we didn't have to do it here. 873 00:32:50,136 --> 00:32:52,180 - Stand down, soldier. 874 00:32:57,227 --> 00:33:04,234 * * 875 00:33:04,275 --> 00:33:06,569 [radio channels tuning] 876 00:33:06,611 --> 00:33:10,031 - All right, testing, testing, one, two, three. 877 00:33:10,073 --> 00:33:11,658 - Yeah, I can hear you. Oh, that's neat. 878 00:33:11,700 --> 00:33:13,535 - Yeah, I paid off a techie at school. 879 00:33:13,576 --> 00:33:14,828 Just remember to keep the other one on 880 00:33:14,869 --> 00:33:15,995 so we can hear you and Clive. 881 00:33:16,037 --> 00:33:17,330 - OK, so we're going to be feeding you 882 00:33:17,372 --> 00:33:19,082 what to say as we go along, and if there's-- 883 00:33:19,124 --> 00:33:20,417 - Right, right. 884 00:33:20,458 --> 00:33:21,584 If you could not give me specific line readings, 885 00:33:21,626 --> 00:33:23,545 that would be great. - What? 886 00:33:23,586 --> 00:33:26,214 - Yeah, just, you know, tell me what you want to communicate 887 00:33:26,256 --> 00:33:28,508 and then I will interpret it as an actor. 888 00:33:28,550 --> 00:33:31,136 - You know, I was going to get a coffee cart for the set, 889 00:33:31,177 --> 00:33:32,303 but now forget it. 890 00:33:32,345 --> 00:33:33,638 - Oh, tell me something. 891 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,890 Where am I coming from? - Huh? 892 00:33:35,932 --> 00:33:38,518 - Like just before I meet Clive, where was I? 893 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:40,520 - You were right fucking here talking to us. 894 00:33:40,562 --> 00:33:41,730 - No, no, no. No, not me. 895 00:33:41,771 --> 00:33:43,523 The character. Where was the character? 896 00:33:43,565 --> 00:33:45,358 It'll affect how I play the scene. 897 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,736 - He was playing Pippin on Broadway. 898 00:33:47,777 --> 00:33:49,362 - No, no. 899 00:33:49,404 --> 00:33:52,365 He was at home, grieving over his wife's miscarriage. 900 00:33:52,407 --> 00:33:54,200 - Oh, Jesus Christ. - Oh, yeah. 901 00:33:54,242 --> 00:33:55,577 Oh, I like that. You're good. 902 00:33:55,618 --> 00:33:58,371 You should get into the business. 903 00:33:58,413 --> 00:33:59,956 - The fuck is wrong with you? - What? 904 00:33:59,998 --> 00:34:02,083 We'll get one like this and then we'll try it your way. 905 00:34:02,125 --> 00:34:03,752 All right? Jesus fucking Christ. 906 00:34:06,504 --> 00:34:09,299 - Yeah, in case anyone else needs a drink too. 907 00:34:09,341 --> 00:34:11,551 What the hell are you talking about, Derek? 908 00:34:11,593 --> 00:34:13,887 - Clive? 909 00:34:13,928 --> 00:34:16,056 - Dad? 910 00:34:16,097 --> 00:34:17,307 Is that you? 911 00:34:17,349 --> 00:34:19,017 - It's me, son. 912 00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:21,061 I've returned. 913 00:34:21,102 --> 00:34:22,687 [chuckles] 914 00:34:22,729 --> 00:34:25,940 - Oh, Dad, I can't believe it's really you. 915 00:34:25,982 --> 00:34:28,193 - OK, that's good. Now tell him you can't stay. 916 00:34:28,234 --> 00:34:30,153 You've got an important mission back in LA. 917 00:34:30,195 --> 00:34:31,571 There's a sniper trying to take out 918 00:34:31,613 --> 00:34:33,406 the world's top surfers in Malibu. 919 00:34:33,448 --> 00:34:34,991 - I can't stay long. 920 00:34:35,033 --> 00:34:37,285 My wife and I have suffered a personal tragedy 921 00:34:37,327 --> 00:34:39,037 and she needs me at home. 922 00:34:39,079 --> 00:34:40,914 - See? It plays great. - Shut up. 923 00:34:40,955 --> 00:34:43,166 - I have a stepmom? 924 00:34:43,208 --> 00:34:45,251 What's her name? - Catherine. 925 00:34:45,293 --> 00:34:46,920 She's a widowed farm owner and she's hired me 926 00:34:46,961 --> 00:34:48,963 as a farmhand at her estate. 927 00:34:49,005 --> 00:34:50,256 - Is that-- - Is he-- 928 00:34:50,298 --> 00:34:51,841 - Is that "Pippin?" - He's doing "Pippin." 929 00:34:51,883 --> 00:34:53,218 Is he fucking doing "Pippin?" - He's fucking doing "Pippin." 930 00:34:53,259 --> 00:34:54,594 God damn it, no "Pippin!" 931 00:34:54,636 --> 00:34:57,847 - But I thought you were a soldier of fortune. 932 00:34:57,889 --> 00:35:00,600 - You're blowing this, you motherfucker. 933 00:35:00,642 --> 00:35:05,105 - * Sitting on the floor and talking till dawn * 934 00:35:05,146 --> 00:35:07,315 * Candles and confidences * 935 00:35:07,357 --> 00:35:08,858 - Clive's going to beat the shit out of him. 936 00:35:08,900 --> 00:35:12,821 - * Trading old beliefs and humming old songs * 937 00:35:12,862 --> 00:35:14,114 [laughs] 938 00:35:14,155 --> 00:35:16,199 - Clive. - Mom. 939 00:35:16,241 --> 00:35:17,784 - Oh, shit. - Oh, my God. 940 00:35:17,826 --> 00:35:19,452 - What's going on? What is all this? 941 00:35:19,494 --> 00:35:21,454 - Mom, what are you doing here? 942 00:35:21,496 --> 00:35:22,622 - Jeff Driscoll's mother told me you're having 943 00:35:22,664 --> 00:35:24,124 a party out here in the park. 944 00:35:24,165 --> 00:35:25,417 Why didn't you tell me? 945 00:35:25,458 --> 00:35:26,626 - Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 946 00:35:26,668 --> 00:35:28,712 - Mom, look. 947 00:35:28,753 --> 00:35:29,921 Dad's here. 948 00:35:29,963 --> 00:35:31,381 - Abort, abort, get the fuck out of there. 949 00:35:31,423 --> 00:35:32,966 - What are you talking about? 950 00:35:33,008 --> 00:35:35,093 That's not your dad. 951 00:35:35,135 --> 00:35:36,302 - Say that's not your mother. 952 00:35:36,344 --> 00:35:38,638 - I hate giving other actors notes, 953 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,557 but I feel like you've come in so hot, 954 00:35:40,598 --> 00:35:42,392 you're not giving yourself anywhere to go. 955 00:35:42,434 --> 00:35:43,560 - Who the hell are you? 956 00:35:43,601 --> 00:35:45,687 - OK. I can't work like this. 957 00:35:45,729 --> 00:35:48,273 Let me guess, she's the producer's girlfriend. 958 00:35:48,314 --> 00:35:49,482 Bullshit. - Hang on, Mom, I'll be back. 959 00:35:49,524 --> 00:35:51,067 - That was a good note I gave her too. 960 00:35:51,109 --> 00:35:52,610 - Hey. - I'm in way over the top. 961 00:35:52,652 --> 00:35:53,653 - Hey. 962 00:35:53,695 --> 00:35:55,488 What the fuck is going on here? 963 00:35:55,530 --> 00:35:57,949 Are you not really my dad? - No. 964 00:35:57,991 --> 00:36:00,326 These two guys paid me to come here and play your father. 965 00:36:00,368 --> 00:36:01,619 But let me tell you something. 966 00:36:01,661 --> 00:36:04,164 This is the most shoddy, disorganized production 967 00:36:04,205 --> 00:36:05,498 I have ever been a part of. 968 00:36:05,540 --> 00:36:08,084 John Rubinstein would never stand for this, 969 00:36:08,126 --> 00:36:10,378 and neither will I. 970 00:36:13,006 --> 00:36:15,342 - Oh, fucking cock fuck. 971 00:36:15,383 --> 00:36:17,177 - Is this some kind of fucking joke? 972 00:36:17,218 --> 00:36:18,386 - Oh, shit. 973 00:36:18,428 --> 00:36:19,471 - Oh God, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. 974 00:36:19,512 --> 00:36:21,431 - Clive, Clive, just listen. OK? 975 00:36:21,473 --> 00:36:22,766 - You motherfucker! 976 00:36:22,807 --> 00:36:25,226 You think you can fuck with my head and live? 977 00:36:25,268 --> 00:36:27,520 I am about to beat the face off of you. 978 00:36:27,562 --> 00:36:29,856 You're dead, both of you. You're fucking dead. 979 00:36:29,898 --> 00:36:31,149 - Ah! 980 00:36:31,191 --> 00:36:32,650 - Clive, Clive, just wait one minute, all right? 981 00:36:32,692 --> 00:36:34,569 Before you kill us, just hear us out. 982 00:36:34,611 --> 00:36:37,072 Look, I'm sorry we lied and said we were your dad. 983 00:36:37,113 --> 00:36:38,448 But think about it. 984 00:36:38,490 --> 00:36:40,408 What is a dad? 985 00:36:40,450 --> 00:36:42,243 It's someone who believes in you, 986 00:36:42,285 --> 00:36:44,204 someone who roots for you to do your best, 987 00:36:44,245 --> 00:36:47,165 and who's proud of you when you work hard and you win. 988 00:36:47,207 --> 00:36:48,833 - We did that. 989 00:36:48,875 --> 00:36:50,377 - What do you mean? 990 00:36:50,418 --> 00:36:53,004 - We told you you could pass that math test and you did it. 991 00:36:53,046 --> 00:36:54,547 Didn't that feel good? 992 00:36:54,589 --> 00:36:57,509 And when you got that B-, I mean, what an improvement. 993 00:36:57,550 --> 00:36:59,219 We were there pulling for you. 994 00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:01,971 We were encouraging you to reach your full potential. 995 00:37:02,013 --> 00:37:03,348 - We did all that. 996 00:37:03,390 --> 00:37:04,933 And didn't it feel good? 997 00:37:04,974 --> 00:37:07,143 Didn't you feel good about yourself? 998 00:37:07,185 --> 00:37:10,021 - Yeah, I-I did. 999 00:37:10,063 --> 00:37:11,815 - You've really turned things around. 1000 00:37:11,856 --> 00:37:14,234 Your grades are better. You're smiling more. 1001 00:37:14,275 --> 00:37:15,568 - I am? 1002 00:37:15,610 --> 00:37:18,780 - All the guys in woodshop are saying so. 1003 00:37:18,822 --> 00:37:21,449 - I've been thinking about taking guitar lessons. 1004 00:37:21,491 --> 00:37:22,784 - You hear that? 1005 00:37:22,826 --> 00:37:24,619 He's thinking about taking guitar lessons. 1006 00:37:24,661 --> 00:37:26,579 - Well, that's fantastic. 1007 00:37:26,621 --> 00:37:29,124 - Hey, we're going to be at every recital. 1008 00:37:29,165 --> 00:37:31,042 - Really? - Absolutely. 1009 00:37:31,084 --> 00:37:33,878 We are not going anywhere. 1010 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:35,130 - Bring it in here. 1011 00:37:35,171 --> 00:37:38,258 - [crying] 1012 00:37:38,299 --> 00:37:42,387 - We are so fucking proud of you, buddy. 1013 00:37:42,429 --> 00:37:43,888 - There you go. 1014 00:37:43,930 --> 00:37:45,140 Oh, OK, easy there. 1015 00:37:45,181 --> 00:37:46,141 Easy there, Lenny. 1016 00:37:46,182 --> 00:37:47,684 Don't kill the rabbit. 1017 00:37:47,726 --> 00:37:49,019 OK. 1018 00:37:49,060 --> 00:37:51,438 Hey, what do you say we have some cake? 1019 00:37:51,479 --> 00:37:53,690 - Yeah. - And something healthy. 1020 00:37:53,732 --> 00:37:55,316 - All right, don't undermine me in front of him. 1021 00:37:55,358 --> 00:37:57,318 - Come on, let's go. 1022 00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,821 [laughs] 1023 00:37:59,863 --> 00:38:02,782 - * And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon * 1024 00:38:02,824 --> 00:38:05,452 * Little boy blue and the man on the moon * 1025 00:38:05,493 --> 00:38:08,955 - I think we should try for another. 1026 00:38:08,997 --> 00:38:11,958 - * But we'll get together then * 1027 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,503 * You know we'll have a good time then * 1028 00:38:15,545 --> 00:38:18,381 [Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle"] 1029 00:38:18,423 --> 00:38:23,887 * * 1030 00:38:23,928 --> 00:38:26,681 * My son turned ten just the other day * 1031 00:38:26,723 --> 00:38:28,600 * He said thanks for the ball, Dad * 1032 00:38:28,641 --> 00:38:29,809 * Come on, let's play * 1033 00:38:29,851 --> 00:38:31,311 * Can you teach me to throw * 1034 00:38:31,353 --> 00:38:32,812 * I said, not today * 1035 00:38:32,854 --> 00:38:34,356 * I got a lot to do * 1036 00:38:34,397 --> 00:38:36,191 * He said, that's OK * 1037 00:38:36,232 --> 00:38:37,525 * And he walked away * 1038 00:38:37,567 --> 00:38:38,985 * But his smile never dimmed * 1039 00:38:39,027 --> 00:38:41,821 * And said, I'm going to be like him * 1040 00:38:41,863 --> 00:38:46,493 * Yeah, you know I'm going to be like him * 1041 00:38:46,534 --> 00:38:49,996 * And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon * 1042 00:38:50,038 --> 00:38:53,249 * Little boy blue and the man on the moon * 1043 00:38:53,291 --> 00:38:54,542 * When you coming home, Dad * 1044 00:38:54,584 --> 00:38:56,169 * I don't know when * 1045 00:38:56,211 --> 00:38:58,922 * But we'll get together then * 1046 00:38:58,963 --> 00:39:02,425 * You know we'll have a good time then * 1047 00:39:02,467 --> 00:39:09,724 * * 1048 00:39:10,517 --> 00:39:13,144 * Well, he came from college just the other day *