Dog a bone
Hey, hey Hey, hon-honey, I'm home
I don't know what I'm doing, Mr. J.
I know it's a fake title and a fake badge.
But I quit my job at the rink,
and I just need something to hang my hat on, you know?
I don't wanna just be the kid who threw up at the botanical gardens.
I don't wanna be a laughingstock.
So give up your card, get your vision.
If it's anything like mine,
it might help you let go of whatever it is that's holding you back.
Well, it showed me barfing at the botanical gardens.
Basically forcing me to relive the most humiliating day of my life
in adorable cartoon format.
See? That's super.
How is that super?
If the most humiliating day of your life is decades behind you,
then it can only get better from here.
What the hell?
Walter! Walt.
Hey.
Walt, what are you doing? What is all this stepping about?
- Good morning, Izzy. - Don't "good morning" me.
Lest I remind you, I am your emergency contact,
and I am too damn busy for you to keep going into cardiac arrest.
I'm not afraid of having another heart attack.
Besides, I changed my emergency contact to Beau,
since he stayed with me in the hospital.
Excuse me?
I would've stayed with you too, if I weren't suffering
from a debilitating injury that nearly left me wheelchair bound.
- What kind of injury? - She twisted her knee in a maze.
I'm sorry. Who is this?
This is my amazing physical therapist, Freya.
Maybe she can help with your knee?
It's nice to officially meet you, Izzy. I voted for you in the last election.
Everybody voted for me in the last election.
And I don't need help.
You just said it was debilitating.
For most.
But as a professional dancer, I've learned to push through every kind of pain.
I was doing glissades hours after giving birth.
As impressive as that sounds,
I've seen people completely lose mobility from pushing through pain.
Yeah.
Maybe you can join me for some resistance training at the community pool.
That's a great idea!
- Freya? - Yeah?
I do my own training in a large spa bath at my home.
The powerful jets provide ample resistance.
Okay, well, if you change your mind...
Oh, my God. You're not gonna let this go, are you?
Fine.
I'll join you in the public pool
so long as you can promise me that there will be no press.
I'll see what I can do.
Hey, Cassandra Hubbard. Mrs. Hubbard.
Mother Hubbard in her cupboard. Eating her bowls of--
Oh, boy. What can I do for you, Dusty?
Nothing. Just wanted to give you a quick 411.
Alice from school might be swinging over at some point.
Alice, the woman you're dating, might just swing by here?
She's gonna drop something off real quick.
It's a last-minute thing. I just got a text about it.
There's nothing to panic about.
So--
Were you expecting a delivery?
No, that's her. I was kidding. I knew that.
Oh, my God. Should I hide?
What? No, you don't need to hide.
- Should I hide? - No. Why would you hide?
No. Nobody needs to hide.
- Dusty, get the door. - On it like a baby's bonnet.
- Hey! - Hi!
- Who's this gorgeous girl? - Yeah.
She's been a little bit weird today.
You know, just panting and pacing.
I think she's probably just anxious about stay--
spending the night with a stranger.
Well, we won't be strangers for long. Will we, Yo-Yo?
I am so sorry about this. I just couldn't get a sitter,
and I'd already committed to salsa dancing with Principal Pat.
I can never say no to salsa. Neither the dancing or the delicious dip.
Cass?
- Company. - Hi!
- Wow. You know what?
Your house is so beautiful.
Thank you, Alice.
Your dog is so beautiful.
You're so beautiful.
You are so beautiful too.
Two gorgeous girls, one beautiful home.
So, what are you working on over there?
I'm just working on a little Latchkey Ladz jacket.
Making it nice and fancy for my friend, Hana.
Latchkey Ladz, right?
Yeah, I was more of a Boyslam gal myself.
Okay.
So, you're probably a bit younger than me, right?
What? No.
I don't think anybody is younger than anybody.
I think it's just different points of view.
What do you think, Yo-Yo? Who's your favorite?
I like Barky Bark.
You know what? I should probably get going.
- No, totally. - Yeah. You should. You should just go.
Save yourself.
- Thank you so much, Dusty. - No problem.
- Have fun at salsa! - Thank you so much.
Bye!
Come. Hey.
So, your girlfriend's dog is in our house.
She's not my girlfriend.
She's just a woman with whom I've had some dates.
Is that what you told Trina?
No. I haven't told Trina anything because I think it'd be too awkward.
We wouldn't want things to get awkward.
So, off you go.
You and Yo-Ho just do your thing and have some fun.
It's Yo-Yo. Her name is Yo-Yo, actually,
because she's named after the famous cellist Yo-Yo Ma.
Alice is a bit of a whiz on the old cello.
Which is not information you require this minute.
I'll bring you downstairs. Come on.
Wow. Yes. Okay. Work it.
Wor-- Now let's see your face.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry, but who is this fresh-faced zaddy?
I'm uncomfortable.
What do you think Dr. Woods would like more, clenched or unclenched?
Clenched. Unclenched.
- Could I see clenched again? - Okay. That's enough of that.
Sorry, how would we know what Dr. Woods would like?
How do you even know Dr. Woods?
Well, we had a bit of a moment at the hospital
when I was looking after Mr. J.
And lately I've been thinking it's about time that your old man gets--
Back in the saddle. Yep. You've said it several times now.
I need help.
I'm torn.
Kitten or scorpion?
- Kitten. - Neither.
Kitten, obviously. That was a test.
A test of what? How cringey you could be on this date?
Wait. You need to see the full look.
Oh, God.
Why is this happening?
Jacob, this is so good. He--
Is it? Or is it impulsive and borderline dangerous?
He shaved his face.
He's going on a date for the first time since my mom died. Like--
Jacob.
I don't know what he saw in his vision that makes him think this is a good idea.
Well, I don't think we need to know.
If Beau is feeling, like, sexy and free, then who are we to question that?
And besides, okay,
if I can handle my dad having his little secret make out sessions with my teacher,
then you can handle this.
Evening, partners.
- Oh, my God. You look super hot right now. - Please don't bring a rope on your date.
You got me, Dad. That's good.
Walter, what is going on? Why are all these people here?
Is this some sort of synchronized swimming class for the infirm?
We're here for aqua-fit. So glad you're joining us.
Hold on a minute. No. I am here for a private lesson with Freya.
Not to splash around in a communal pool with a bunch of geriatrics.
No. Freya's class isn't just for old people, Iz.
It's also for high-performance athletes.
My young, tight ass is here every week. You're gonna love it.
And the best part is that after class, we reward ourselves with Columbo
and Quiddler at Gerald's house.
What's up, Gerald?
You're looking fit, baby. You're looking fit.
I'm sorry. What is a "quiddler"?
What? For real, Iz? You don't know Quiddler?
The short word game, "For the fun of words"?
I'm so jelly you get to experience it for the first time.
No. I will not be experiencing it ever. Nor this class.
Come on, Iz. Give it a chance.
You're gonna love Freya. She's a PT master.
Everybody worships her.
We'll see about that.
All right. Let's go, baby. I fucking love aqua-fit.
Let's dunk our trunks!
Evening, Hana.
If it isn't the sheriff. You here to arrest me?
Yeah. I'm here to arrest you for murder.
You killed those kids.
- Jesus, Beau. - Sorry. I can't improv. I'm too nervous.
Which one of these tables would you say is the best for a date?
I'd say the one with really harsh lighting
right in the middle of everything.
Perfect. I'll have a good view of the door from there.
I'm kid-- Okay.
- Dude. - Okay, listen, I'm not gonna drink.
I'm just here to keep an eye on my dad, who's on a very high-stakes date.
Okay. Yeah. In that case, I will happily lose my liquor license.
Hana, come on. Don't you think you kinda owe me?
I don't think that at all. No.
Remember Kolton? My brother?
The one who came to your bar.
And then you didn't tell me he'd come to your bar,
and you kept secret information about him for months.
Are you really using your brother as a negotiation tactic?
I don't want him to have died in vain.
I'm assuming this date is somehow inspired by his vision?
I'm assuming that too.
God, these visions are fucking weird.
It was so much easier when you could just ask someone to show you their card.
I just hope she doesn't keep him waiting.
He gets a head rash when he's nervous.
- How's your dog-sit going? - Super groovy. Thanks.
Yeah. Such a lovely dog. And so chill.
'Cause I heard you begging her to sit for 20 minutes. How'd that turn out?
She's sitting now. Laying down, if you'd believe it.
- Shit. - Are you looking for something?
No. No, I was just wondering, where do we keep our old towels?
- Not in the kitchen. - Right.
I was also just curious as to the availability of rubber gloves.
Rubber gloves?
Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Just need old towels, the rubber gloves.
And if you could toss some unwaxed dental floss my way.
Okay, what is going on?
Well... do you remember Yo-Yo from before?
Yeah.
She's having a bit of a time down there.
Okay. What time?
- I think she's in labor, Cass. - Labor? Like, birthing labor?
Puppy labor. Yeah.
Well, how do you know that?
Well, first of all, I thought it was just the anxiety,
and then I thought she was maybe overeating, and then I thought it was gas.
But according to the Internet and the masses swimming around
in her little belly that I could feel,
it's happening.
Okay.
- Okay, did you call a vet? - I did.
They said if she's already established her birthing nest,
we shouldn't disturb her.
- Is there already a birthing nest? - Yes. Yes.
It's in my bed.
So we just need the towels and the rubber gloves.
And the dental floss is for the umbilical cord, to cut off the blood--
Okay, listen. I will bail you out this one time.
Okay? Because there's an animal's life at stake.
- Understood. - But at the end of this,
I get to hold the puppies.
Hang in there, Yo-Yo.
Okay.
Looking good, guys. Let's go.
And five, four, three, two, one.
At your own pace, slowly lift your right leg.
And if you feel ready, bring your knee perpendicular to your body.
But don't feel the need to get there today.
Like this.
No, actually, not like that at all.
Your knee, especially, needs to be relaxed, not extended.
But my knee is fully extended, and I am perfectly relaxed.
Not what I asked for. Try to listen closely next time.
Okay, everybody. Running man. Let's go!
Yo. This is crazy.
There is so much tension between you two.
Like, sexual tension.
Between Freya and me?
What on earth makes you say that?
I have never seen her call someone out like that before.
The tension is palpable, bro.
Straight back.
Well, people are often cruel to me out of envy and jealousy.
Okay, but look, Iz.
There's other people goofing off in class and she's not coming down on them.
Mr. Johnson just keeps dunking himself underwater.
How long was that?
About 49 seconds, Mr. J.
I can go longer. Restart!
I'm telling you, Iz. I can pick up on sexual vibes.
And the way she is talking to you--
- I know a dom when I see one. - A what?
Izzy, if you can't pay attention, you're welcome to take your chat into the lobby.
Here we go, everybody. Here and here. Here and here.
Palpable.
Come on, Dad. It's been 45 minutes.
At least look at your phone or something.
He's probably dying on the inside, but he's just too proud to leave.
God, I don't know how much more of this I could take.
What? It's not funny.
It's pretty funny. You seem more anxious than your dad.
I know this, Hana. I know I am.
Because I somehow got all the anxious genes.
My dad and Kolton could just, like,
turn off their brains and watch football and take naps.
And I had to worry about everything for everyone.
Yeah. Your brother did seem weirdly carefree when he came to my bar.
At least, for someone attempting to break the law.
Did he use the MORPHO machine?
- What? - Kolton, when he came to your bar.
I didn't think to ask before, but you said the MORPHO was there, right?
Right. But I don't know.
I mean, I never saw him use it, so I'm not sure.
- I'm sorry. - That's okay.
Add it to the ever-growing list of things I'll never know about my brother.
Wait. What's my dad doing? Is he leaving?
Dropped your fork.
No, just picking up someone's fork...
Good night.
...and going back to his table.
Is this the saddest thing you've ever seen in your life?
You know, I've spent a lot of time in bars,
but, it's getting there.
Okay, this is a good one. This is a good one. Nice, soothing, calm classical music.
We're going to create a nice, Zen environment for Yo-Yo. That's right.
"All puppies are born with a migraine"?
What? Oh, no. Membrane. Yeah, that makes more sense.
What is it gonna take for you to get some reading glasses?
Not the time, Cass.
I am on "Paula's Puppy Pregnancy Practices."
I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling.
Christ alive, Paula. We get it.
You love dogs. How do you feel about big fonts?
I can't. You're gonna have to do it with your good eyes.
- Okay. - I'll just do the dirty work.
Okay. All right.
So, "You'll see a grayish-blue sac from the vulva, which indicates
that the puppy is on the way."
Looking for sacs, looking for sacs.
Yeah. I'm seeing a lot of that color that you just said.
That is...
I can understand why they put a sheet on you when Trina was born.
Rude. He's being rude. I know.
Oh, no. Wait.
Why is she whimpering like that?
Oh, my gosh. Is she dying? Dusty?
Cass, she's experiencing some discomfort,
which I hear can be associated with giving birth.
What the fuck?
Hey, Trina. Everything's okay.
There's just a dog giving birth on my bed.
Whose dog is that?
- Friend from school. - Is it dying?
No. No, she is not.
On the contrary, I see a head.
A puppy head!
Oh, shit. The Zen thing's not working.
She's very, very tense, Dusty.
Like, her body is super tense. Do something.
- Cass? - What?
The dog's doing great. How are you feeling?
- I'm good. I just need to sit down. - You are sitting down.
- Fuck, I'm sitting down. - Trina, could you do me a favor
and take your mom upstairs and make her some mint tea?
Yeah.
Cass, don't you think it'd be nice to go upstairs and find some cold tile
and sit down with your head between your knees and count down from ten?
Okay. Can you do me a favor?
Let me know when those puppies are clean so we can hold 'em.
- I'd love that. Thank you. - You got this, Dad.
You're okay. You're okay.
Oh, yeah. Where's the dental floss?
Yeah, Paula was not kidding.
That is a lot of goo.
This is very emotional.
I'm telling you, Gerald, let me host next week.
On my 5K TV, you can see the reflection of the camera in Columbo's glass eye.
- Pardon me, Freya? - Yeah.
I can't stay and chitchat, so I just wanted to ask you very quickly
when you might be teaching a more advanced class.
Something on my level.
I don't really teach in levels.
Everyone's welcome and everyone can go at their own pace.
Okay, good.
I was just worried about making my classmates feel inferior.
But since it's encouraged, I won't hold back.
Okay, Izzy.
- And just so you know... - Yeah.
...I wasn't chatting like you said earlier.
Giorgio was engaging with me, and I simply responded.
Yeah, it's funny.
He was actually saying that he thought you were flirting with me.
- So-- - That is funny.
I usually don't go for people who think they know better than everyone,
talk back, and assume that I'm flirting when I'm just doing my job.
Well, it was Giorgio's assumption.
And there's no need for the sass.
- I'm being sassy? - Yeah, you're being sassy.
Okay, then. Good to know.
Do you wanna get a drink sometime or what?
Yes, I do.
Good.
Nice, Izzy. That's my girl right there. You ready to rock some Quiddler?
Hell, no.
Jacob, what are you doing here?
Is everything okay?
Yeah, I've been over there literally this entire time.
Really? I didn't even see you.
I guess I was so in the zone.
Dad, I brought the pickles because I don't think Dr. Woods is coming.
Yeah, I figured.
It's been 74 minutes.
I was gonna give her the old High Noon.
High Noon had an 85-minute run time,
which seemed like a fair window to give her.
But yeah, maybe we just call it.
I'm sorry. I know this wasn't easy for you.
Yeah.
Dad, I know things have been pretty rough since Mom died.
Yeah, well, it's been harder for you, Jacob.
I feel like I can't talk to you about it.
Your mom just made everything okay, you know?
I know.
And then when your brother died...
I felt like I lost her all over again.
You know, there was so much of your mom in both you kids.
I feel like when we lost Mom, it was like--
it was like this terrible thing had happened to our family.
And I think I kind of thought that was it for us.
Like, it sucked, but it already happened.
And then when Kolton died--
- I know. - Then we had two.
- We had two things. - I know.
- It's not fair. - It's not fair.
Which is why, I think,
I don't want more bad things to happen to you.
So, even just seeing you get stood up, it's like--
Jacob, nothing bad happened tonight.
- I know. But-- - No, I'm serious, Jacob.
I went on a date tonight.
If she didn't show, that's on her.
I have lived too much of my life worried about what other people think of me.
I guess I never thought of you as, like, a worrier.
Do you know why I barfed all those years ago at the botanical gardens?
A bad hot dog?
I don't know.
The reason I barfed is that that was going to be the day
that I was going to tell my dad
that I didn't wanna play basketball anymore because I wanted...
to figure skate instead.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
You can imagine what your grandpa would've thought about that.
Oh, God. Yeah.
And then he was so mad I had embarrassed myself by barfing
that I never told him.
I had that same anxious pit in my stomach tonight, getting ready for this date.
But you know what?
I didn't throw up.
Well, I mean, not yet. If you keep eating those pickles...
- I went on a date tonight! - Okay.
Ladies, we have twins. We have twins.
- Oh, my God. - Gently.
They're so cute. I want to keep them both.
No. No, no, no.
I wanna name them.
How about Brant and Sebastian, like the Latchkey Ladz?
Come on, Cass.
You know that Alice is more of a Boyslam gal.
So that was Ms. Wickstead's dog?
Yeah. Just, you know, helping out a fellow teacher.
And I'm sure she will wanna name you guys herself, won't she?
Which is totally unfair. I mean, we did all the work.
Well, Yo-Yo did most of the work. I did a little bit of coaching.
Yeah. You know, you are a good coach.
Yeah.
Do you remember when I was in labor with Trina,
and you kept singing those Irish lullabies that were so fucking bad?
- They weren't that bad. - No, the lullabies were lovely,
but the singing was so bad that it distracted from the physical pain.
I thought that was my role on the team.
It was. We make a good team.
I'm sorry. What is going on with you two?
You guys are, like, making flirty eyes at each other and saying sweet things
and birthing puppies together.
So, what? Is the "self-ploration" over?
Are we done with that?
'Cause it's a little fucking weird to watch my dad kiss my teacher one night,
and then come home the next night to this, like, tender family moment.
- You kissed Alice? - You saw that?
Yeah. And I'm guessing you didn't tell Mom that?
Great, I thought you guys were supporting each other.
Supporting each other, not necessarily telling each other everything.
Look, I want you guys to do this. I really do.
I know it's important for your, like, personal growth or whatever,
but this middle ground of you guys, like, living together but not together,
taking a break, but birthing Dad's girlfriend's dog's fucking puppies,
is very confusing for everyone involved.
So please get your shit together.
We did let it slip a bit tonight maybe.
Yeah, we did.
But she's right.
It is confusing.
For me too.
- I did not know you kissed Alice. - Yeah.
And you guys are, like, sharing a dog now?
Oh, come on, Cass. It's not like that.
I think you should go stay somewhere else for a while.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, clearly, you are pushing yourself.
I wanna push myself too, but if we keep living together,
I'm just gonna keep trying to help you.
If it makes you feel any better, you weren't that helpful.
Okay.
Well, listen.
You take these to their mother, and their mother to her mother.
Goodbye, Brant. Goodbye, Sebastian.
Again, I am just so sorry, Beau.
Mr. Malik thought he was having a stroke at salsa night,
but it turns out his left arm just fell asleep
and someone was actually burning toast.
Anyway, I'm free next Thursday, if you'd like to give it another shot.
Yes. Still got it.
You gave her the landline? I didn't even know it still worked.
Yeah, I guess it was on one of the makeshift business cards I gave her.
I've been using it as a sheriff hotline,
but it's mostly just prank calls from smart-ass kids.
I'm glad you gave up your Sheriff card if it helped you get to,
you know, where you are.
Yeah.
We don't need 'em. Right?
- They're just cards. - Yeah.
I think there's a chance Kolton got one.
I mean, I don't know,
but he went to the bar where the MORPHO was before.
It seems like something he would've...
wasted money on.
You never looked inside?
Do you want me to open it?
Up to you.
Okay.
I don't wanna know, personally.
I mean, even if we look, we won't ever know, right?
His potential?
Right.
So, should we burn it?
No, I don't wanna burn it.
- No. - No.
Okay.
It would be nice to burn something, though.
I hold in my hand a bag of sour cream and onion chips,
which Kolton used to love, but you and I find disgusting.
And yet, for some reason,
we still haven't thrown them away.
Dad, you wanna...
Kolton, we'll never get over losing you.
But losing you in such a sudden and unexpected way...
has kicked our asses into high gear.
You've shown all of us that life is pretty fragile.
And we better make the most of it while we've got the time.
Wow. God, that's putrid.
- I didn't think about the plastic. - Yeah, mixed with the expired sour cream.
I think it's probably really bad for us to be breathing this in.
There's an after-smell too. No.
I'm going to look for something better to burn.
Okay. Get a gas mask while you're at it.