1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:04,917 --> 00:00:11,272 [uptempo instrumental playing] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:40,040 ♪ 5 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:14,726 ♪ 6 00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,781 [music fades] 7 00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:27,304 [distant birds chirping] 8 00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:04,036 [car approaching] 9 00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,343 [car door opens, closes] 10 00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:08,998 [contemplative music playing] 11 00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:18,834 [doorbell chimes] 12 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,404 Nic. 13 00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:25,101 [Nic] I'm sorry I'm so late. 14 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:27,016 I wondered if anything had happened to you. 15 00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,626 I overslept. [chuckles] 16 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:29,845 Look at you! 17 00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,978 Look at you. 18 00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:38,593 Wow. Thank you for dressing up for me. 19 00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,595 Sorry, Aunt Priya. 20 00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:42,901 Let's drop the "aunt" for this weekend. 21 00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,468 You are my aunt, though. 22 00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:46,601 Yes, I am, but by marriage. 23 00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:48,733 That's important for this conversation. 24 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,867 -What have I gotten myself into? -[chuckling] 25 00:02:52,041 --> 00:02:54,652 I promise I will keep it relatively painless. 26 00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:55,871 Was that a pun? 27 00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:58,482 -What was a pun? -"Relatively" painless? 28 00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:01,093 Oh, dear God. Unintended. 29 00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:02,443 [Nic chuckles] 30 00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:05,228 -This outfit. [laughs] -I mean, 31 00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,970 I figured if we were gonna be sittin' around all weekend, 32 00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:09,972 I might as well stay comfortable. 33 00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:11,234 -Plus... -[Priya] Mm-hmm. 34 00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:12,627 You wanna know the best part? 35 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:15,978 -There's a flap in the butt. -I mean, why-- why-- why? 36 00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,676 -Not interested. -[laughs] You're no fun. 37 00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:20,983 You look great, though. 38 00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,551 Did you get all dolled up for me? 39 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:27,337 No, no, I had a-- Uh, a faculty thing this morning. 40 00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:28,817 It was online. 41 00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:30,166 Meaning no one was wearing pants? 42 00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:32,864 Says the man in pajamas with no underwear. 43 00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:34,953 [laughs] I don't remember telling you 44 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,868 that I wasn't wearing underwear, 45 00:03:37,042 --> 00:03:39,088 but I guess if that's what you picture. 46 00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:42,004 Two minutes in and you're already caught on 47 00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:44,354 your little tape thingy being inappropriate. 48 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,096 You are recording this, right? 49 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,838 No, not yet. I'd tell you first. 50 00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,448 Yeah, I'm not rushing you at all. 51 00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:55,235 I just get kind of... antsy. 52 00:03:55,409 --> 00:04:00,805 But luckily Jasper let me borrow his little magnets. 53 00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,851 We got them for his anxiety, 54 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:05,114 but honestly, I use them more than he does. 55 00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:06,507 Oh, let me see. 56 00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:09,249 Yeah, I've-- I've seen-- 57 00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,034 Yeah, no, get ahead of that. That's good. 58 00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:13,775 [Priya] I have these guys. 59 00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:18,388 [Nic] Oh, wow. I've never seen these. 60 00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:22,044 Wow, that is really soothing. 61 00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:24,568 [Priya] You can use them for the weekend. 62 00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,178 Thank you. 63 00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,006 [Priya] How are the kids and Kristen doing? 64 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:31,183 Well, uh, Kristen just stopped traveling for work, 65 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:32,750 so we're sort of adjusting to 66 00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,535 being around each other this much, 67 00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,363 but the kids are so cute. 68 00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:37,799 Wanna see? 69 00:04:38,365 --> 00:04:39,627 Well, I mean, between you and Kristen, 70 00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:41,281 how could they not be gorgeous? 71 00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:42,760 Here they are. 72 00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,936 -Cute times two. -They are adorable. 73 00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,155 -[Nic] I know. -Were they so sad 74 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:47,591 to lose you for the weekend? 75 00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,898 Oh, my God. Jasper burst into tears 76 00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,987 every time the trip was mentioned. 77 00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:55,599 Jocelyn is a lot like her mom and she only barely needs me. 78 00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:59,081 What about Uncle Aaron? Or-- Sorry. 79 00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,692 What about Aaron? Where's the hubs? 80 00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:04,260 -In, uh, London. -[Nic] Oh. 81 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,783 He's been on a sabbatical 82 00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:07,263 and periodically comes back and forth, 83 00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:09,396 but, uh, he's not here this weekend. 84 00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,273 Thank you. 85 00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:20,058 Anyway, thank you so much for setting aside the time 86 00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,233 and making the drive down. 87 00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,235 I so appreciate it. My, uh-- 88 00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:26,282 my publisher called and gave me a hard deadline 89 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,589 for this book of ours, so I am really happy 90 00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,591 to have your full attention. 91 00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:33,420 -Oh, you do. Just... -[phone buzzes] 92 00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:36,161 Oh, your daughter just texted me. 93 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,685 I did tell her I was seeing you today. 94 00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:42,211 Uh, apparently Laurel still has that-- 95 00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:46,302 that Nicki picture that I gave her years ago. 96 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:49,653 Quite a crush on her cousin, the famous model. 97 00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:52,264 Briefly famous. Anyhow. 98 00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:55,050 See how Laurel kissed me where it counts? 99 00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:56,791 Okay, that-- that-- 100 00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,271 You guys are blood cousins. Can-- Yeah. Yeah. 101 00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,752 Oh, shit. Sorry. I'm just seeing all the texts 102 00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,754 that you sent when I was driving. 103 00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:06,061 Okay, if that is Laurel, I will tell her-- 104 00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:07,758 [Nic] You can get it if you need to. 105 00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:16,637 It's just the home. It's-- it's just my dad. 106 00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:18,726 Your dad's in the nursing home? 107 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,467 Mm-hmm, yeah, he's been there for a while since my mom died, 108 00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:22,904 but that is a completely different topic. 109 00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:26,124 -Sorry. -Um, oh, no, no, totally fine. 110 00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:28,866 Um... [sighing] 111 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,479 Nic, maybe we should turn our phones off so we can all focus. 112 00:06:33,610 --> 00:06:35,917 You still only have the weekend, right? 113 00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:41,575 Yeah. I think I need to leave by, like, 2:00 or 3:00 tomorrow? 114 00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:44,316 I thought we had all day tomorrow. 115 00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:48,582 No, I'm so sorry. I promised I'd be back by bedtime. 116 00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:51,323 Okay. Well, why don't we just get right to it then? 117 00:06:51,498 --> 00:07:00,028 Oh, my God. Your magnum opus, The Abusive Patriarchy. 118 00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:02,683 You're so sad in the cover of this. 119 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,336 Do you remember what happened? 120 00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:11,735 Uh, yeah, I ruined what my dad thought was a good photograph 121 00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:14,259 -with a sneeze... -[sneezing] 122 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,088 ...so he spanked me right there in front of the photographer, 123 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,787 and that picture was taken right after. 124 00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:22,920 If you look really close, 125 00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:25,357 you can see the tear marks down my face. 126 00:07:26,968 --> 00:07:28,056 [Nic] Damn. 127 00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:29,797 You say all that so casually. 128 00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:31,451 [Priya] Oh, I have worked through it. 129 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,191 It's all I've been writing about for years. 130 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:36,151 I'm over it, everyone else is clearly over it. 131 00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:38,327 This is what's so exciting. This book is all about you. 132 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,285 Do you have any coffee? 133 00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:44,899 What? 134 00:07:45,073 --> 00:07:47,379 Yes, of course I have coffee, 135 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:51,253 but Nic, we really have to do this. 136 00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:54,604 Coffee and then we'll jump right in. I promise. 137 00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:58,434 Maybe a quick tour of the place too? 138 00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:01,872 I mean, these columns are incredible. 139 00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:04,484 [mellow instrumental playing] 140 00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,844 These are so fun. 141 00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:18,149 Mm-hmm. 142 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,371 Okay. 143 00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:24,460 You ready? 144 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:28,246 -Uh, recording makes it so real. -Mmm. 145 00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:30,248 Yeah. 146 00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:34,905 I promise you, Nic, you are in a safe space. 147 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:40,737 Okay. Um, I would like to start off by giving you a compliment. 148 00:08:40,911 --> 00:08:43,131 Everything should start by giving me a compliment. 149 00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:44,611 Duly noted. 150 00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:49,746 I think it is incredible what you represent as a model, 151 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:54,403 as Nicki, uh, so openly owning your pansexuality. 152 00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,927 Is that how you identify, by the way, as pansexual? 153 00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:59,321 Yeah, I never really liked defining it, 154 00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:05,196 like, gay or straight or bi, boys, girls, blah, blah, blah. 155 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:08,069 And I think a lot of young people would say that today, 156 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:14,075 but that wasn't part of the vernacular back in 2012, right? 157 00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,990 That's when you had your big rush of fame. 158 00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:18,340 Yeah. Ish. 159 00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:19,994 And in your current career-- 160 00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,649 I mean, if you can call drawing porn a career. 161 00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,433 I can. And I do. 162 00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:27,479 I think your cartoon work is actually amazing. 163 00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:30,613 I think it pushes against taboos. 164 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,920 It's very feminist work for me. 165 00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,748 -Wow. Well, thanks. -Mm-hmm. 166 00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:38,273 And your work has always dealt with the sexual, 167 00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:41,493 so why don't we just begin there? 168 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:45,236 Um, what are your earliest sexual memories? 169 00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:49,632 Hmm. Okay. Here we go, I guess. 170 00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:54,637 Uh, earliest sexual memories... 171 00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:57,771 Do you mean, like, consensual ones? 172 00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:00,600 Are there non-consensual ones? 173 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:04,386 Yeah. Um... 174 00:10:04,995 --> 00:10:07,041 Yeah, my earliest sexual memories 175 00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:11,480 were actually with these, uh, these friends of my parents. 176 00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:13,264 Um... 177 00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:16,006 They would babysit me 178 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,835 and we would, like, take these baths together, 179 00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,968 and we'd all be naked, 180 00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:24,841 and she would, like, cradle me in her arms 181 00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,888 and try to get me to suck her breasts. 182 00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:31,021 He'd, like, scrub us both down. 183 00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:34,895 So, that was totally normal. And... 184 00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:38,420 now it's on the record forever, I guess. 185 00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:39,769 Uh... 186 00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:41,771 I'm sorry that happened to you. 187 00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,426 -I'm totally fine. -[Priya] Mmm. 188 00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:50,388 Um, I mean, I'm sorry, those-- That's the kind of stuff 189 00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:52,564 that your parents should have protected you from, right? 190 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,523 -[Nic] They didn't know. -Mm-hmm. 191 00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:58,701 I didn't tell them because the couple said that if I did, 192 00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,790 I'd get in trouble, so. 193 00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:02,749 Did you eventually tell them? 194 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:06,013 Uh, yeah. Yeah. Much later. 195 00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:09,103 I told my dad, um, 196 00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:11,061 but he kind of just brushed it off 197 00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:13,716 so he wouldn't have to take responsibility for it. 198 00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:18,112 You know Lewis. Not exactly big on owning up to shit. 199 00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:20,418 -Runs in the family. -Who, me? 200 00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:22,899 No, no, no, not you. Aaron. Your uncle Aaron. 201 00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:27,774 He is kind and calm, but he's a very scholarly man 202 00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:31,647 who just doesn't believe in investigating his own emotions. 203 00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:35,129 Yeah. Kristen is anti-emotion too. 204 00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:38,045 She actually hates it when I tell her I love her. 205 00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:42,789 Like, she gets visibly upset. It's bizarre, 206 00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:45,443 but... 207 00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:48,795 That must be hard. 208 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,101 I probably shouldn't talk about Kristen, actually. 209 00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:52,320 She'll kill me. 210 00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:54,626 We can circle back to her. 211 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,803 Or not. 212 00:11:57,455 --> 00:12:03,287 Okay. Um, Nic, have you given any thought to how this-- 213 00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:07,814 this kind of early experience of yours has affected you 214 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,685 on a formative level? 215 00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:12,122 Like, does it play into your current sex life at all? 216 00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,517 Um... 217 00:12:15,691 --> 00:12:17,606 what are you getting at? 218 00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,174 I'm not getting at anything. 219 00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:22,045 I'm just pursuing a line of thought 220 00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:25,353 on how trauma can forge aspects of a human personality 221 00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,703 and demolish aspects of a human personality. 222 00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:30,314 Oh, yeah? Mm-kay. 223 00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:35,885 How did trauma demolish your human personality? 224 00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:38,148 -[Priya chuckles] -That seems obliterated. 225 00:12:38,322 --> 00:12:40,107 [Priya] Okay. Let's just change subjects for a while. 226 00:12:41,935 --> 00:12:44,676 Um, are you an avid masturbator? 227 00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:46,200 -Currently? -[Priya] Mm-hmm. 228 00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:49,290 I mean, when you're really good at something, 229 00:12:49,464 --> 00:12:51,118 you do it as much as you can. 230 00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:54,425 Are-- are you really gonna put something like that in the book? 231 00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:57,602 Oh, I'm just trying to get a complete picture of who you are. 232 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,780 Your sexual history, current sexual habits, 233 00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,782 nothing's off-limits. 234 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:06,394 Yeah. No, that makes sense. How often do you masturbate? 235 00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,397 This book is not about me. 236 00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:11,225 I-- I know, 237 00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:14,097 but I figure if I'm gonna be laying it all out 238 00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:17,057 on the table for you, you can at least reciprocate. 239 00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:18,885 Nic, look at that bookshelf over there. 240 00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:21,888 You see it? My psyche has been mined to death. 241 00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:23,498 There's nothing new there. 242 00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:26,849 Priya, can we please make this, like, 243 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:30,810 more of a dialogue instead of a stuffy interview, please? 244 00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,550 I'll be way more comfortable. 245 00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:38,078 Okay. Why don't I tell you about when I lost my virginity? 246 00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:42,778 -It's not really what I-- -[Priya] Don't wanna hear it? 247 00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:44,432 No, I do. 248 00:13:44,606 --> 00:13:47,348 Okay, uh, it was my freshman year of college 249 00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:48,653 -[Nic] Wow. -And, um-- 250 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,177 [Nic] You really held out. 251 00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:53,397 Yeah. I wasn't exactly fighting them off. 252 00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,225 -Mmm. -[Priya] I used to wear 253 00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:57,271 only boys' clothes, I wasn't on top of my grooming. 254 00:13:57,445 --> 00:14:00,274 All effects of the abuse, I-- I later learned, 255 00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:03,059 but, um, I got my act together in college 256 00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:04,844 and met a guy called Chris. 257 00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,454 A couple of months in, I decided, 258 00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,325 "You know what, it's time to lose my virginity." 259 00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:12,068 And so we went back to his dorm room one night, and... 260 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,331 [chuckles] 261 00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:17,508 He had the most massive cock I've ever seen to date. 262 00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:20,337 -Serious? -I am serious. 263 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,992 Like, I wanted to scream. Oh! 264 00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,690 It was so painful, and-- and then I'm crying 265 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,867 and I'm crying in pain and he's-- 266 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:31,348 He just thinks it all, like, cries of ecstasy. 267 00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:34,961 So he just like, poor Chris is just pumping away. 268 00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:38,181 Ugh! Thankfully it did not last long. 269 00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:42,359 [laughing] I'm sorry, but-- but that's hilarious. 270 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:45,580 Um, you know, I would've thought you already knew this story. 271 00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:47,538 [Nic] Why? 272 00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:50,933 'Cause I wrote about it in two different books. 273 00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:55,590 Books that you have claimed to have read. 274 00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:00,551 I did read them. Like, most of them. 275 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:03,119 The early ones, at least. 276 00:15:04,773 --> 00:15:06,122 You're not alone. 277 00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,298 I-- I ran out of personal revelations. 278 00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:11,301 I haven't really navigated any meaningful territory in years. 279 00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,216 So, I don't blame you. 280 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,262 That's why I'm so excited to be writing this with you. 281 00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,525 But your books are still super popular, right? 282 00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:20,354 People still buy them and stuff, right? 283 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:23,183 Yeah. We'll see. 284 00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:26,447 Anyway, um, why don't you tell me 285 00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:27,970 when you first discovered 286 00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:30,364 that you were attracted to both sexes? 287 00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:31,495 Were you young? 288 00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,236 Wait, both sexes? 289 00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:35,586 Like, you mean you think there are only two? 290 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,503 That's good. That's good. Let me rephrase that. 291 00:15:39,677 --> 00:15:45,118 When did you start confronting expected gender roles 292 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:49,165 when it came to who you were attracted to? 293 00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:50,514 Did I catch it better? 294 00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:51,646 -[Nic] Yeah. -Okay. 295 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,561 Uh, I was pretty young. 296 00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:58,696 I think I was in fifth grade and I met this girl, Abby. 297 00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:02,352 And I remember I thought she was really pretty 298 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:05,660 and she asked me if I would be her boyfriend. 299 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:09,969 And I remember being, like, kind of relieved 300 00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:13,973 that I was, like, just pairing off boy-girl, you know? 301 00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:17,454 And then I met her brother, Ryan, 302 00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:20,414 and I thought he was really pretty too. 303 00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:24,635 And I remember asking Abby if Ryan liked me 304 00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,637 and she totally freaked out. 305 00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:28,988 Which, in hindsight, I get it's, like, kind of fucked up 306 00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:31,207 to ask your little fifth grade girlfriend 307 00:16:31,381 --> 00:16:34,732 if someone else is into you, especially if it's her brother, 308 00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:38,823 um, but there was something about the way that she reacted 309 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,436 that made me feel really gross for even asking. 310 00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:45,004 So, I kind of just, like, 311 00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:48,224 shelved that away for a long time. 312 00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:52,315 Um, if I was, like, into guys, 313 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:58,365 I-- I didn't act on it or-- or date one until art school. 314 00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:01,020 And I think a big part of that 315 00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:03,500 was that my dad would have murdered me. 316 00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:05,850 -He's homophobic? -[Nic] Oh, my God. 317 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,809 Yeah. Big time. 318 00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,811 Wasn't he your manager? 319 00:17:09,985 --> 00:17:13,945 [Nic] Yeah, but he never liked the whole Nicki persona. 320 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,252 He went along with it for a long time 321 00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:20,996 because it was his meal ticket, but he never was very approving. 322 00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,824 It's so funny. 323 00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:24,652 He's emailing me now because he heard about this book 324 00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:27,220 and he wants to manage Nicki's comeback, so... 325 00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:29,874 Mmm. What kind of comeback? 326 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,312 The kind you wouldn't approve of. 327 00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:35,358 Gigs that might pay me some real money again. 328 00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:40,972 Okay. Um... 329 00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:45,803 I've always wondered what motivated your red carpet stunt. 330 00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:50,243 Oh, God. That was just kind of a "fuck you" to the tabloids. 331 00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:52,419 Like, "Print this, bitch," you know? 332 00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,986 Oh, no, no. They indeed did print it. 333 00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:57,685 I think you made them a lot of money, actually. 334 00:17:57,859 --> 00:18:00,035 Well, I mean, it felt like a "fuck you" in the moment. 335 00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:02,037 -[Priya] Uh-huh. -Yeah. 336 00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:04,344 God. 337 00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:05,388 [Priya] Did you plan that in advance? 338 00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:07,782 No. God, no, no, no. 339 00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:11,699 I was-- I was wearing that, like, wrap thing, 340 00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:14,789 and there's something about, like, 341 00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:21,622 all of this artifice around me, and I just had the impulse. 342 00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:28,629 And boom, there I was, naked in front of a bank of paparazzi. 343 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:33,982 That's most people's-- 344 00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:38,029 I mean, at least my nightmare. You know? 345 00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:42,860 How does a moment like that feel? 346 00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,864 Honestly, like, 347 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:52,740 just standing there in just my skin, 348 00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:57,353 like, feeling the flash bulbs and... 349 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:03,490 I fucking loved it. 350 00:19:05,622 --> 00:19:08,408 It just felt really good. 351 00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:16,111 I wonder whether the act of getting naked for you 352 00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:21,638 comes easier than the labor of connecting emotionally. 353 00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:25,512 Like, it's some kind of, like, shortcut to intimacy and love. 354 00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:31,822 Doesn't sound 100% off base. 355 00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:34,477 There may be some dare there, I guess, 356 00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:37,611 but it was also that whole thing. 357 00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:39,700 It was kind of just fun. 358 00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:42,093 I'm gonna write that down. Fun. 359 00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:43,660 -[Nic] Yeah. -Okay. 360 00:19:43,834 --> 00:19:46,489 Three letters. F-U-N. Yeah. 361 00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,883 I imagine a whole new sexual world opened up 362 00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:52,234 -once you got famous. -Massive understatement. 363 00:19:53,148 --> 00:19:54,976 I have to say, it was pretty exciting to see you 364 00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:56,717 in all these magazines just... 365 00:19:56,891 --> 00:20:00,721 Just using your platform so fiercely, 366 00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:03,289 just-- just to talk about your wide ranging sexuality. 367 00:20:03,463 --> 00:20:06,640 It was- it was-- it was electrifying. 368 00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:08,598 That's very sweet. 369 00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,557 A lot of people just thought I was a slut. 370 00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:11,906 [laughing] 371 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,821 [Priya] But you owned it, right? 372 00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:15,736 I mean, I-- I think that's what-- what I remember most. 373 00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:16,954 You just... 374 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:24,658 It's so rare to see someone who refuses to hide who they are 375 00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:28,009 and what they want to suit the masses. 376 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,317 You make me sound like pan Jesus. 377 00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:33,797 [Priya, laughing] No, I just want you to understand. 378 00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:36,147 [Nic] I get it. 379 00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:41,065 I mean, I saw it as just kind of performance art, 380 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,633 but I know that it meant a lot 381 00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:47,158 -to actually a lot of people. -[Priya] Yeah. 382 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:50,118 I think they'd never really seen themselves 383 00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,120 -in the media. -Hmm. 384 00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:54,818 [Priya] You must have changed the trajectory of 385 00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:56,429 so many people's lives just by 386 00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:59,083 the radical act of being who you are. 387 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,085 -[Nic] Hmm. -You know? And-- and I-- 388 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,653 and I would love for you to get recognition for that. 389 00:21:03,827 --> 00:21:06,961 I think this book will help with that. 390 00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,833 From your questioning so far, 391 00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:12,445 it sounds like this book is just about me jerking off 392 00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,621 and my dirty sex secrets. 393 00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:16,666 Yeah, partially, but-- but it does tie into 394 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,582 the cultural impact, the-- the-- the exchange 395 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:22,150 and interaction you had with your fans, 396 00:21:22,324 --> 00:21:25,284 uh, your sexual exploitation, your highs, your lows. 397 00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:26,502 Wait, what? 398 00:21:27,242 --> 00:21:28,287 What? 399 00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:32,987 I mean, exploitation is... 400 00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:35,903 Well, I-- I saw your career, Nicki. I watched it. 401 00:21:36,077 --> 00:21:40,211 Are you trying to tell me that you weren't exploited 402 00:21:40,386 --> 00:21:41,735 for your body or your sexuality? 403 00:21:41,909 --> 00:21:44,607 I mean, that's just the business. 404 00:21:45,652 --> 00:21:49,786 You kind of make it sound like I'm some kind of, like, victim. 405 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,571 [Priya] No, not a victim. Survivor. 406 00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:55,226 Okay, that's not really better. 407 00:22:05,498 --> 00:22:07,151 Nic, we have so little time. 408 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,631 Why don't we not try and fit this into 409 00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:11,373 any sort of narrative yet, okay? 410 00:22:11,982 --> 00:22:14,289 Why don't we just finish the interview 411 00:22:14,463 --> 00:22:17,205 and then we'll find the form later on. 412 00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:19,294 Does that sound good? 413 00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:27,433 Okay. All right. 414 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:32,046 Um, okay. I wanted to ask you-- 415 00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:34,701 Do you remember my cousin Jack's wedding? 416 00:22:34,875 --> 00:22:37,399 -Uh... -I was 19. 417 00:22:38,226 --> 00:22:40,010 You and I danced all night 418 00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:44,101 and Aunt Eileen thought we were both on drugs. 419 00:22:44,275 --> 00:22:45,755 Sounds familiar. 420 00:22:45,929 --> 00:22:47,409 I had a reputation for dancing up a storm 421 00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:49,193 at weddings when I was young. 422 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:53,197 [muffled upbeat music playing] 423 00:22:54,285 --> 00:22:55,722 [Nic] You don't remember anything else 424 00:22:55,896 --> 00:22:57,071 that happened at the wedding? 425 00:23:02,772 --> 00:23:03,860 No. 426 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:06,428 Why? 427 00:23:09,213 --> 00:23:10,867 I'm just curious. 428 00:23:11,694 --> 00:23:19,398 I was just thinking about victims and survivors... 429 00:23:25,491 --> 00:23:30,409 Okay, Nic, I wanna ask you how, um, 430 00:23:30,583 --> 00:23:35,675 how present was consent in those circles? 431 00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:37,851 Did anyone force themselves on you? 432 00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:39,461 Did you force yourself on anyone? 433 00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:42,159 Are you asking me if I ever raped someone? 434 00:23:42,812 --> 00:23:46,686 No, no, not necessarily just if... 435 00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:49,210 someone coerced you or you coerced someone-- 436 00:23:49,384 --> 00:23:51,255 Fucking seriously, Priya? 437 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:53,519 [Priya sighing] Look, Nic. 438 00:23:53,693 --> 00:23:56,435 I think it's important to ride the nerve endings 439 00:23:56,609 --> 00:23:58,480 of sex and trauma 440 00:23:58,654 --> 00:24:01,135 instead of pretending like these things don't exist 441 00:24:01,309 --> 00:24:02,789 or these things don't affect us 442 00:24:02,963 --> 00:24:05,487 and the process can be uncomfortable at times. 443 00:24:05,661 --> 00:24:09,360 It is-- it is the process, this is what it looks like. 444 00:24:15,366 --> 00:24:17,412 I think I need to eat something. 445 00:24:20,284 --> 00:24:22,112 Uh, okay. 446 00:24:22,286 --> 00:24:24,158 Do you want me to look into ordering or something, or... 447 00:24:24,332 --> 00:24:25,942 [Nic] Uh, yeah, fine. 448 00:24:26,116 --> 00:24:28,815 Let me just see what's in your fridge first. 449 00:24:29,685 --> 00:24:36,257 ♪ 450 00:25:15,601 --> 00:25:19,039 You know, Nic, I've been doing this for so many years 451 00:25:19,213 --> 00:25:25,349 that I probably have become inured to the pain 452 00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:28,701 or maybe I don't realize that everyone else's pain tolerance 453 00:25:28,875 --> 00:25:32,400 is not as high as mine, so I apologize for... 454 00:25:33,923 --> 00:25:36,447 coming off too strong, or... 455 00:25:36,622 --> 00:25:39,538 I certainly did not mean to re-traumatize you, or... 456 00:25:40,669 --> 00:25:41,714 That's okay. 457 00:25:42,366 --> 00:25:45,631 Sometimes I, like, get in my head 458 00:25:45,805 --> 00:25:48,677 and kind of spin out, and I've been through it with Jasper, 459 00:25:48,851 --> 00:25:51,462 so I know how annoying it can be. 460 00:25:51,985 --> 00:25:54,030 Are they thinking ADHD for Jasper? 461 00:25:54,204 --> 00:25:55,510 -They sure are. -Mmm. 462 00:25:56,250 --> 00:25:59,383 And I-- I wanna help him have more control than I do, 463 00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:03,823 and I wanna handle his outbursts better than my dad handled mine, 464 00:26:03,997 --> 00:26:06,216 but it can be so fucking hard, you know? 465 00:26:06,390 --> 00:26:09,568 Like the blind leading the blind sometimes. 466 00:26:11,395 --> 00:26:12,527 I'm sure you're a good dad. 467 00:26:13,484 --> 00:26:15,922 And thank God we all don't become my parents. 468 00:26:16,792 --> 00:26:18,315 I don't know, Priya. 469 00:26:18,925 --> 00:26:21,710 Sometimes I feel like you're ready to spank me. 470 00:26:27,063 --> 00:26:29,152 -Why'd you do that? -[Nic] Do what? 471 00:26:29,849 --> 00:26:33,287 Flirt to maneuver out of uncomfortable situations. 472 00:26:33,461 --> 00:26:38,118 Oh, my God. Lighten up, Priya. I was just having fun. 473 00:26:44,646 --> 00:26:48,128 So, I've been thinking about titles. 474 00:26:48,302 --> 00:26:49,564 -Yeah? -[Priya] Mm-hmm. 475 00:26:49,738 --> 00:26:51,522 -Me, too. -Oh, yeah? Go first. 476 00:26:52,349 --> 00:26:54,221 The Nicki of Time. 477 00:26:56,136 --> 00:26:57,180 Right? 478 00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:03,622 Mine is, um, Nicki: A Pansexual [R]Evolution, 479 00:27:03,796 --> 00:27:05,798 with parentheses around the "R." 480 00:27:05,972 --> 00:27:07,713 Oh, my God. You and your parentheses. 481 00:27:07,887 --> 00:27:09,584 I mean, do I even get a say in this? 482 00:27:09,758 --> 00:27:11,760 You know what, neither of us do. The publisher titles it. 483 00:27:12,413 --> 00:27:14,545 Yeah, but they want, like, a Nicki bio, right? 484 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,112 Yeah, yeah. 485 00:27:16,286 --> 00:27:17,592 Biography-cum-cultural intervention. 486 00:27:17,766 --> 00:27:19,289 Cum what? 487 00:27:19,463 --> 00:27:21,509 [Priya] A cultural intervention. Like how you-- 488 00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:24,468 Oh, my God, whatever the fuck that is. 489 00:27:27,167 --> 00:27:30,387 You know, sometimes you really do remind me of your dad. 490 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,043 That's rich. 491 00:27:34,217 --> 00:27:37,003 That's really how to get on my good side, 492 00:27:37,177 --> 00:27:38,831 comparing me to Lewis. 493 00:27:39,005 --> 00:27:39,875 [Priya] I'm not trying to get on your good side. 494 00:27:40,049 --> 00:27:41,224 You should be. 495 00:27:42,530 --> 00:27:45,664 -Why should I be? -Because you pissed me off. 496 00:27:48,188 --> 00:27:50,364 So let me just set the scenario for you. 497 00:27:50,538 --> 00:27:52,148 You wanted to do this. 498 00:27:52,322 --> 00:27:55,238 We've been talking about it for over six months. 499 00:27:55,412 --> 00:27:59,155 I have rejigged my schedule up and down to accommodate you. 500 00:27:59,329 --> 00:28:02,202 You have canceled on me on three different weekends. 501 00:28:02,376 --> 00:28:05,379 I have drawn up an agreement for you, 502 00:28:05,553 --> 00:28:07,076 an agreement that you signed. 503 00:28:07,250 --> 00:28:08,991 I didn't read that. 504 00:28:10,079 --> 00:28:11,124 Are you kidding? 505 00:28:13,648 --> 00:28:17,304 What? You sent me 15 pages of legal bullshit 506 00:28:17,478 --> 00:28:19,001 and you expect me to read it all? 507 00:28:19,175 --> 00:28:21,264 I don't have a lawyer on staff anymore, Priya. 508 00:28:22,135 --> 00:28:24,267 If you wanna talk about exploitation, 509 00:28:24,441 --> 00:28:26,095 we can have that conversation. 510 00:28:26,269 --> 00:28:27,967 Excuse me, are you accusing me of exploiting you? 511 00:28:28,141 --> 00:28:29,925 -Yeah, I kinda am. -[Priya scoffs] 512 00:28:44,418 --> 00:28:46,333 [Priya sighing] 513 00:28:46,507 --> 00:28:47,638 Nic... 514 00:28:50,076 --> 00:28:52,818 I am not trying to exploit you. 515 00:28:53,122 --> 00:28:57,431 I promise you that. I think this book is really important. 516 00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:59,389 I think working together, 517 00:28:59,563 --> 00:29:02,044 we can actually deepen the understanding of gender 518 00:29:02,218 --> 00:29:05,482 and sexuality, and yes, sexual exploitation 519 00:29:05,656 --> 00:29:07,180 by delving into your history. 520 00:29:07,354 --> 00:29:10,357 -Which is my story. Mine. -It is your story. 521 00:29:10,531 --> 00:29:12,141 Of course, it is your story, 522 00:29:12,315 --> 00:29:14,622 but if you're not willing to trust me with it, 523 00:29:14,796 --> 00:29:16,885 I don't know what the fuck you're doing here. 524 00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:18,800 Whoa. 525 00:29:21,150 --> 00:29:23,326 Okay. Um... 526 00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:28,375 My chicken nuggets are a little cold, 527 00:29:28,549 --> 00:29:30,769 so I'm gonna heat those up. 528 00:29:30,943 --> 00:29:34,511 Let you cool off a little bit. Jesus. 529 00:29:41,170 --> 00:29:42,258 You know what? 530 00:29:43,651 --> 00:29:45,958 If you want trust here, 531 00:29:46,132 --> 00:29:47,307 there's got to be a give and take. 532 00:29:47,481 --> 00:29:49,439 I cannot go through this again. 533 00:29:50,571 --> 00:29:52,268 All my darker secrets are published. 534 00:29:52,442 --> 00:29:55,358 Priya, we both know that's not true. 535 00:29:59,972 --> 00:30:03,410 Look, if you agree to stop rehashing 536 00:30:03,584 --> 00:30:06,108 all your published bullshit, 537 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,024 I'll talk about Kristen 538 00:30:09,851 --> 00:30:11,810 and we can put that in the book, okay? 539 00:30:15,509 --> 00:30:16,597 Okay. 540 00:30:17,511 --> 00:30:18,599 [Nic] Yeah? 541 00:30:18,773 --> 00:30:20,819 Whatever, I'm an open book. 542 00:30:21,732 --> 00:30:22,690 -Great. -Yeah. 543 00:30:22,864 --> 00:30:24,779 Cool. Great. 544 00:30:26,781 --> 00:30:29,740 And how about for our afternoon session, 545 00:30:29,915 --> 00:30:33,092 we break out some adult beverages. 546 00:30:34,484 --> 00:30:35,877 Trying to get me drunk? 547 00:30:36,051 --> 00:30:40,229 Mmm. Yeah. So that I can ravage you, 548 00:30:40,403 --> 00:30:42,492 unadmitted rapist that I am. 549 00:30:42,666 --> 00:30:45,060 Pretend you didn't say that. 550 00:30:46,540 --> 00:30:49,499 Okay. I'm gonna get us some drinks 551 00:30:49,673 --> 00:30:52,241 and I'm gonna set us up on the patio, okay? 552 00:30:52,807 --> 00:30:56,506 Let's make this actually fun. Please? 553 00:30:56,942 --> 00:30:58,421 [upbeat instrumental playing] 554 00:31:04,297 --> 00:31:05,733 Voilà. 555 00:31:07,778 --> 00:31:10,869 -Nicki... -Oh, yours was way worse. 556 00:31:11,739 --> 00:31:14,785 I'm gonna change and then let's get out on the patio. 557 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:17,310 I'm gonna sweat my nuts off in this thing. 558 00:31:17,484 --> 00:31:23,707 ♪ 559 00:31:39,767 --> 00:31:41,160 You really took your sweet time. 560 00:31:41,334 --> 00:31:43,640 I was texting Uncle Aaron. 561 00:31:43,814 --> 00:31:47,079 -On the toilet? -What? No. This is on. 562 00:31:47,253 --> 00:31:50,734 I text on the pot all the time. Gives me something to do. 563 00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:52,780 TMI, Nic. 564 00:31:52,954 --> 00:31:55,739 You just said that I wasn't giving you enough information 565 00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,568 and now my bathroom habits are TMI? 566 00:31:59,439 --> 00:32:02,529 What exactly do you want from me, madame? 567 00:32:04,966 --> 00:32:07,186 You think I'm adorable. Admit it! 568 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:08,927 I think you're incorrigible. 569 00:32:09,710 --> 00:32:12,191 But I actually think it's gonna be good for the book. 570 00:32:12,582 --> 00:32:16,412 Like your truthfulness and brashness. It's all... 571 00:32:18,806 --> 00:32:21,374 I mean, my own work has gotten so theoretical. 572 00:32:21,809 --> 00:32:26,640 I just, this feels like something new 573 00:32:26,814 --> 00:32:29,599 or maybe it's just, I don't know, return to form. 574 00:32:31,775 --> 00:32:32,863 -So, I-- -[Nic] So, what I was gonna-- 575 00:32:33,038 --> 00:32:35,954 Oh, oh. Jinx. You go. 576 00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:40,045 I was just going to say that I am just surprised 577 00:32:40,219 --> 00:32:42,873 that you are at all reticent to talk about sex, 578 00:32:43,048 --> 00:32:44,919 considering the fact that you are the one person 579 00:32:45,093 --> 00:32:47,791 I consider to have no hangups. 580 00:32:48,140 --> 00:32:51,317 I mean, it's sex. Everyone has hangups, right? 581 00:32:51,491 --> 00:32:53,362 Even a big ol' slut like me. 582 00:32:53,536 --> 00:32:55,234 And I use that term endearingly, 583 00:32:55,408 --> 00:32:59,107 by the way, I'm very slut-positive. 584 00:32:59,281 --> 00:33:02,458 Okay. So, how do you feel about your cock? 585 00:33:03,198 --> 00:33:04,721 -My cock? -Mm-hmm. 586 00:33:05,374 --> 00:33:06,462 I'm a fan. 587 00:33:07,246 --> 00:33:09,770 I'm sure you've seen the pictures online. 588 00:33:10,336 --> 00:33:13,643 Me and Reba are tight. We've had some real adventures together. 589 00:33:13,817 --> 00:33:15,776 -Did you say Reba? -[Nic] Uh-huh. 590 00:33:15,950 --> 00:33:18,474 She's the fancy gal in my trousers. 591 00:33:19,649 --> 00:33:23,001 All right, so you're all good with Reba? 592 00:33:23,175 --> 00:33:24,828 That's so refreshing. 593 00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:29,442 So, do you have any insecurities? Sexually, I mean? 594 00:33:29,616 --> 00:33:32,097 I mean, I'm not really the kind of guy who sits around 595 00:33:32,271 --> 00:33:34,708 thinking about sexual insecurities, you know? 596 00:33:34,882 --> 00:33:36,579 I'm a fucking porn cartoonist. 597 00:33:36,971 --> 00:33:38,886 Literally the only thing I'm good at 598 00:33:39,060 --> 00:33:40,801 is drawing cocks and cunts. 599 00:33:42,890 --> 00:33:45,588 That's not true. You're good at being a model. 600 00:33:46,198 --> 00:33:48,852 -Well, thanks. -[Priya] Do you still model? 601 00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,942 I do, like, commercial work from time to time, 602 00:33:52,117 --> 00:33:54,336 and I have some friends who are painters 603 00:33:54,510 --> 00:33:55,859 and I'll sit for them when they need me to, 604 00:33:56,034 --> 00:33:57,122 stuff like that. 605 00:33:58,253 --> 00:34:00,821 -Do you pose nude? -[Nic] Of course. 606 00:34:00,995 --> 00:34:01,909 -[Priya] Of course? -Yeah. 607 00:34:02,083 --> 00:34:03,737 Of course. 608 00:34:03,911 --> 00:34:05,826 See, there's this-- this body confidence just... 609 00:34:06,827 --> 00:34:08,394 amazes me. 610 00:34:08,568 --> 00:34:10,483 It's probably my greatest asset. 611 00:34:10,657 --> 00:34:14,226 Okay, so is-- is your greatest asset your body 612 00:34:14,922 --> 00:34:18,273 or is it the willingness to show it off in public? 613 00:34:18,969 --> 00:34:20,319 -[Nic] Both? -Uh-huh. 614 00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:21,972 -I guess. -[Priya] Uh-huh. 615 00:34:22,147 --> 00:34:24,714 I mean, it's certainly not my fine wit 616 00:34:24,888 --> 00:34:29,371 or my ability to pontificate on the finer points of Prowst. 617 00:34:32,722 --> 00:34:33,854 Proust. 618 00:34:35,247 --> 00:34:38,119 Proust. Exactly. 619 00:34:42,167 --> 00:34:45,431 You don't see yourself as more than just a body 620 00:34:45,605 --> 00:34:47,433 when you're moving through the world? 621 00:34:48,129 --> 00:34:51,176 Um, no. 622 00:34:51,350 --> 00:34:55,528 I'm, yeah, I'm more than just a body. 623 00:34:55,702 --> 00:34:59,880 Um, it's hard to explain,'cause you're, like, the opposite? 624 00:35:00,054 --> 00:35:04,014 Like, I mean, you know, you have obviously an amazing body, 625 00:35:04,189 --> 00:35:07,670 but you give so much to the world, 626 00:35:07,844 --> 00:35:12,197 and, like, get its-- its reaction through your thoughts 627 00:35:12,371 --> 00:35:16,679 and your writing, and I-- I-- I just, I don't. 628 00:35:16,853 --> 00:35:18,377 Like, at this point in my life, 629 00:35:18,551 --> 00:35:22,294 my greatest intellectual achievement is, like, 630 00:35:22,468 --> 00:35:24,296 giving someone a brief chuckle 631 00:35:24,470 --> 00:35:26,472 while they scroll through a porn site looking for pussy pics. 632 00:35:26,646 --> 00:35:28,996 You know? But when I get naked, 633 00:35:29,170 --> 00:35:31,955 I feel like, I don't know, 634 00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:36,482 I can make people be even more confident 635 00:35:36,656 --> 00:35:38,962 in their own bodies, you know? 636 00:35:39,137 --> 00:35:42,401 And with the posing stuff for my friends, 637 00:35:42,575 --> 00:35:45,839 it's, I don't know, I can contribute to great or-- 638 00:35:47,275 --> 00:35:49,408 I mean, at least semi-interesting art? 639 00:35:49,582 --> 00:35:51,714 And turn people on. 640 00:35:53,238 --> 00:35:54,543 -Yeah. -[Priya] Uh-huh. 641 00:35:55,022 --> 00:35:56,676 That can be part of it. 642 00:36:04,466 --> 00:36:07,165 Yeah, I think we might be opposite. 643 00:36:08,949 --> 00:36:10,864 I'd like some of that, you know. 644 00:36:12,866 --> 00:36:18,524 My most profound experiences happen internally. 645 00:36:19,438 --> 00:36:21,048 Meaning like what? 646 00:36:21,222 --> 00:36:25,139 Like, the endless cogitating and, y-- you know, 647 00:36:25,313 --> 00:36:27,010 it used to be such a blessing with Aaron 648 00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,839 because both of us would just perish into our works. 649 00:36:30,013 --> 00:36:33,016 Our marriage is so low-drama, but... 650 00:36:35,932 --> 00:36:36,977 But what? 651 00:36:38,370 --> 00:36:40,023 I don't know, maybe that's the problem, 652 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:41,808 -you know? -Mmm. 653 00:36:41,982 --> 00:36:45,681 We're isolated. We're far apart. 654 00:36:45,855 --> 00:36:48,031 -We're-- we're so independent. -Mmm. 655 00:36:48,815 --> 00:36:54,734 Just recently... I've just been wanting more, you know? 656 00:36:55,865 --> 00:36:59,956 Mmm, yeah, I completely relate. 657 00:37:01,306 --> 00:37:02,785 Yeah, but the difference is 658 00:37:02,959 --> 00:37:04,265 you're living fully in the world, right? 659 00:37:04,439 --> 00:37:06,789 Like, that's why I wanna write this book. 660 00:37:06,963 --> 00:37:09,879 You're always living in and engaging with the world. 661 00:37:11,011 --> 00:37:13,622 That is magnetic. 662 00:37:15,145 --> 00:37:16,234 Thank you. 663 00:37:16,712 --> 00:37:18,540 That's literally the nicest thing 664 00:37:18,714 --> 00:37:20,368 anyone has ever said about me. 665 00:37:20,542 --> 00:37:21,978 [Priya chuckling] 666 00:37:22,152 --> 00:37:23,806 But it's so funny hearing you say that 667 00:37:23,980 --> 00:37:27,680 because it almost sounds or feels like 668 00:37:27,854 --> 00:37:29,334 you're talking about someone else. 669 00:37:29,508 --> 00:37:31,988 It's like, a lot of the time 670 00:37:32,162 --> 00:37:35,035 it feels like I'm, like, I'm in this dark room 671 00:37:35,209 --> 00:37:38,778 watching my body go on these adventures apart from me. 672 00:37:38,952 --> 00:37:43,696 It's like my body is this romance novel hero, 673 00:37:44,131 --> 00:37:46,481 but my brain is this... 674 00:37:47,352 --> 00:37:51,965 bag boy from Peoria. 675 00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:57,275 Metaphorical Peoria. Does that make sense? 676 00:37:59,581 --> 00:38:00,669 Are you high? 677 00:38:01,061 --> 00:38:02,584 I am a little high. 678 00:38:03,368 --> 00:38:06,109 Mm-hmm. Yep. 679 00:38:06,284 --> 00:38:09,504 Are you too high to have a meaningful conversation? 680 00:38:09,678 --> 00:38:12,551 Have you never been high before? 681 00:38:13,508 --> 00:38:15,162 It makes me sleepy. 682 00:38:15,336 --> 00:38:20,602 Oh, really? It makes me relaxed and deep and thoughtful. 683 00:38:20,907 --> 00:38:23,866 -Okay, well, that's good. -[Nic] Uh-huh. 684 00:38:24,258 --> 00:38:26,695 Just don't try to take advantage of me. 685 00:38:26,869 --> 00:38:28,741 -[Priya sighing] -[Nic chuckling] 686 00:38:31,918 --> 00:38:33,528 Do you know what I really want? 687 00:38:35,878 --> 00:38:37,837 I wanna be famous again. 688 00:38:39,186 --> 00:38:41,797 That was the best part about the whole Nicki thing, 689 00:38:41,971 --> 00:38:44,757 was I felt like I was actually good at something 690 00:38:44,931 --> 00:38:47,847 and-- and then I got paid for it. 691 00:38:50,197 --> 00:38:54,549 I always wondered why you cut that Nicki thing so short 692 00:38:54,723 --> 00:38:58,118 and why it just mysteriously disappeared. 693 00:38:59,075 --> 00:39:00,816 I wanna be rich again, too. 694 00:39:02,383 --> 00:39:05,604 Like, really fucking rich. 695 00:39:07,562 --> 00:39:09,434 You know, my dad and I actually, 696 00:39:09,608 --> 00:39:12,088 we have this whole TV pitch planned 697 00:39:12,262 --> 00:39:14,700 for when our book becomes a big hit, so. 698 00:39:18,268 --> 00:39:21,228 Um, did I tell you that Kristen lost her job? 699 00:39:23,012 --> 00:39:26,015 Yeah, we're actually, um... 700 00:39:27,713 --> 00:39:32,021 We're pretty severely fucked 701 00:39:32,195 --> 00:39:35,460 if I-- if I don't start making some money. 702 00:39:37,070 --> 00:39:40,116 I mean, I shouldn't be worried about, 703 00:39:40,290 --> 00:39:43,119 like, traditional gender roles and shit, 704 00:39:43,293 --> 00:39:44,773 but there's something 705 00:39:44,947 --> 00:39:47,428 about not being able to provide for my family 706 00:39:47,602 --> 00:39:49,604 that's actually so emasculating. 707 00:39:51,998 --> 00:39:54,348 I don't know, it almost feels like we're playing house 708 00:39:55,305 --> 00:39:59,179 and she's gonna realize that playtime's over 709 00:39:59,353 --> 00:40:02,312 and she's gonna pack up her toys and go back home. 710 00:40:02,487 --> 00:40:03,575 Mmm. 711 00:40:07,579 --> 00:40:09,232 -Yeah. -[Priya] Mmm. 712 00:40:10,364 --> 00:40:14,020 I told you I would talk about me and Kristen. 713 00:40:15,717 --> 00:40:17,153 Now let's make this book 714 00:40:17,327 --> 00:40:22,985 a fucking biography-cum-cultural revolution 715 00:40:23,159 --> 00:40:26,206 so I don't have to deal with the other stuff, please. 716 00:40:27,250 --> 00:40:29,818 [calm instrumental playing] 717 00:40:29,992 --> 00:40:32,647 ♪ 718 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:07,813 [Nic] I found your scotch. 719 00:41:07,987 --> 00:41:11,860 Hmm. Drunk and high. Okay. 720 00:41:12,034 --> 00:41:13,558 [Nic laughing] 721 00:41:13,732 --> 00:41:16,474 Just enough to make me an open book, I promise. 722 00:41:18,258 --> 00:41:19,694 -Back to it? -Yep. 723 00:41:26,745 --> 00:41:31,358 I've always wondered how Kristen feels about your pansexuality? 724 00:41:31,532 --> 00:41:34,753 Mmm, I mean, she's a lot like me. 725 00:41:34,927 --> 00:41:38,104 She's tried everything under the sun except settling down. 726 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,890 And how come you wanted to try that? 727 00:41:42,369 --> 00:41:44,066 Uh, 'cause I got her pregnant. 728 00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:45,851 [Nic chuckling] 729 00:41:46,025 --> 00:41:47,983 Um, yeah, our relationship was always, like, 730 00:41:48,157 --> 00:41:54,599 super boundary-less and open and fun and then, you know, 731 00:41:55,469 --> 00:41:58,646 when she was with child, 732 00:41:58,820 --> 00:42:01,649 um, and we had to make that decision, 733 00:42:01,823 --> 00:42:03,825 we kind of thought that the most transgressive 734 00:42:03,999 --> 00:42:05,697 and radical thing that we could do 735 00:42:05,871 --> 00:42:07,568 would be the most traditional. 736 00:42:07,742 --> 00:42:10,484 See, I always thought you would settle down with a man. 737 00:42:10,658 --> 00:42:11,703 [Nic] Why? 738 00:42:13,052 --> 00:42:16,621 I don't know, I just assumed-- 739 00:42:16,795 --> 00:42:20,538 That I was really just gay and that dating other genders 740 00:42:20,712 --> 00:42:22,540 was my way of not dealing with it? 741 00:42:22,714 --> 00:42:26,587 No, there was a point in time I thought you were transgender. 742 00:42:26,761 --> 00:42:27,762 -Oh. -Mm-hmm. 743 00:42:27,936 --> 00:42:29,982 Yeah, I mean, I get that, 744 00:42:30,156 --> 00:42:32,811 but no, that was never really part of my journey. 745 00:42:32,985 --> 00:42:36,249 Um, you're probably the only person in my family, though, 746 00:42:36,423 --> 00:42:38,381 who would have been okay with that, so thank you. 747 00:42:39,121 --> 00:42:40,906 I appreciate that. 748 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:43,996 I always felt that you and I had more in common than-- 749 00:42:44,170 --> 00:42:46,651 than any other two members of that family. 750 00:42:46,825 --> 00:42:49,567 Absolutely. You don't have an NRA bumper sticker. 751 00:42:49,741 --> 00:42:51,090 [Priya laughing] 752 00:42:51,264 --> 00:42:53,701 But still, there's so much-- 753 00:42:53,875 --> 00:42:56,530 Like, there feels like a-- a chasm still. 754 00:42:56,704 --> 00:42:59,098 Like, stuff that about you I can't... 755 00:42:59,272 --> 00:43:02,884 Um, for example, like, I always wanna ask you about pan, 756 00:43:03,058 --> 00:43:08,890 the-- the "all" aspect of your sexuality, you know? 757 00:43:10,283 --> 00:43:12,981 I think I hit up against that because of my upbringing, 758 00:43:13,155 --> 00:43:15,375 and even though I spent so much time studying it 759 00:43:15,549 --> 00:43:17,812 and especially preparing for this conversation, 760 00:43:19,771 --> 00:43:20,989 I guess... 761 00:43:23,426 --> 00:43:28,127 Do different people have a different pull on you? 762 00:43:28,301 --> 00:43:30,695 Women, men, non-binary? 763 00:43:30,869 --> 00:43:34,655 Um, I've always been more attracted to 764 00:43:34,829 --> 00:43:37,484 the spirit of the person than the gender. 765 00:43:38,572 --> 00:43:39,921 -You know? -Yeah, I just don't buy it, 766 00:43:40,095 --> 00:43:41,880 -I'm sorry. -What don't you buy? 767 00:43:42,054 --> 00:43:44,883 I guess this whole, like, spirit thing. This whole, like... 768 00:43:45,057 --> 00:43:48,277 Are you saying that it feels too, like, woo-woo? 769 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:51,454 -Yeah. -[Nic] Okay. 770 00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:53,805 Let me try and think of concrete examples. 771 00:43:53,979 --> 00:43:55,589 -Would that be helpful? -Mm-hmm. 772 00:43:55,763 --> 00:43:59,375 Okay, when I was in art school before I went, 773 00:43:59,549 --> 00:44:02,204 I thought for sure that I was gay, you know? 774 00:44:02,378 --> 00:44:08,167 Like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, dicks-only gay, gay, gay. 775 00:44:08,341 --> 00:44:13,259 But then in my sculpture class, I met this woman named Odyssey. 776 00:44:13,433 --> 00:44:14,826 Her name was Odyssey? 777 00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:16,349 Well, no, her name was really Beth, 778 00:44:16,523 --> 00:44:18,699 but it was art school, so, you know. 779 00:44:18,873 --> 00:44:22,181 Um, but... yeah, when I met her, 780 00:44:22,355 --> 00:44:28,361 I remember being, like, shocked and a little surprised, 781 00:44:28,535 --> 00:44:31,843 and then I was like, "Who the fuck am I to judge myself," 782 00:44:32,017 --> 00:44:36,804 you know? Like, why not just ride the wave 783 00:44:36,978 --> 00:44:39,894 and if I'm attracted to her because of who she is, 784 00:44:40,068 --> 00:44:42,157 I'm gonna just follow that, you know? 785 00:44:42,331 --> 00:44:44,203 I mean, surely you've surprised yourself 786 00:44:44,377 --> 00:44:47,336 when you've, like, crossed over sexual boundaries or something? 787 00:44:51,819 --> 00:44:56,998 Um, I-- I mean, of course I've met women in my life 788 00:44:57,172 --> 00:45:04,005 that I am drawn to, but I-- I wouldn't imagine, um... 789 00:45:06,355 --> 00:45:08,183 crossing that barrier. 790 00:45:08,357 --> 00:45:11,012 So I'm wondering how, you know, coming from where you come from, 791 00:45:11,186 --> 00:45:12,579 with a dad that's homophobic, 792 00:45:12,753 --> 00:45:16,017 how do you cross all those multiple lines 793 00:45:16,191 --> 00:45:19,151 that society sets out for you and family set out for you? 794 00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:21,936 You just cross it. 795 00:45:22,110 --> 00:45:23,633 [Priya laughing] 796 00:45:24,896 --> 00:45:27,202 For me, it feels like Everest. 797 00:45:27,376 --> 00:45:29,770 For you, it's just like, oh, crossing the street. 798 00:45:29,944 --> 00:45:31,293 -Truly. -Mmm. 799 00:45:34,079 --> 00:45:35,994 Can we get into the mechanics of it? 800 00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:40,955 Like, what is sex like with someone who's transgender 801 00:45:41,129 --> 00:45:44,350 -or non-binary, what's... -[Nic] I feel like 802 00:45:44,829 --> 00:45:48,702 even the way that you're thinking about it is gendered. 803 00:45:48,876 --> 00:45:54,012 Like, sex doesn't have to be as clinical 804 00:45:54,186 --> 00:45:55,491 as you're looking at it. 805 00:45:55,665 --> 00:45:58,494 It's not about, like, what goes in where 806 00:45:58,668 --> 00:46:02,063 and who has what equipment, like, you're-- you're-- 807 00:46:02,237 --> 00:46:04,239 What is it about, then? 808 00:46:04,413 --> 00:46:09,505 Well, I dated a person named Rae, and they were-- 809 00:46:09,679 --> 00:46:13,683 they were a fem-presenting dom top, and they-- 810 00:46:13,858 --> 00:46:18,253 Sex with them was actually, like, a revelation. 811 00:46:18,427 --> 00:46:21,430 They had no boundaries at all. 812 00:46:21,604 --> 00:46:23,476 Nothing was off-limits, 813 00:46:23,650 --> 00:46:26,609 and they would tell me exactly what they wanted. 814 00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:29,395 And it was incredible in the bedroom, 815 00:46:29,569 --> 00:46:34,487 but then outside of the bedroom, the lines got a little blurred, 816 00:46:34,661 --> 00:46:38,578 and they would take that sense of telling me what to do 817 00:46:38,752 --> 00:46:40,580 in a very literal manner. 818 00:46:40,754 --> 00:46:43,626 So I would find myself, like, having to clean their toilet 819 00:46:43,801 --> 00:46:47,326 or, like, one time when they said that I had to go out 820 00:46:47,500 --> 00:46:50,024 and get them a milkshake even when I had the flu. 821 00:46:50,198 --> 00:46:52,592 I had, like, a 103-degree fever, 822 00:46:52,766 --> 00:46:56,465 and I was there, and I ordered the wrong milkshake flavor, 823 00:46:56,639 --> 00:46:58,990 and when I brought it back, they lost their shit. 824 00:46:59,164 --> 00:47:01,427 So actually, maybe that's a terrible example. 825 00:47:01,601 --> 00:47:04,865 Do you perceive yourself as a masochist? 826 00:47:05,431 --> 00:47:07,868 Um, I mean, yeah, 827 00:47:08,042 --> 00:47:10,262 I definitely have played the sub multiple times, 828 00:47:10,436 --> 00:47:11,480 like, pantyhose-- 829 00:47:11,654 --> 00:47:14,396 Emotional. Emotional masochist. 830 00:47:14,570 --> 00:47:17,704 Uh, I don't really know what that means, 831 00:47:17,878 --> 00:47:21,403 but clearly you think I am that. 832 00:47:21,577 --> 00:47:24,493 I think we have that in common. 833 00:47:24,667 --> 00:47:28,584 I don't know that you're a masochist, though, are you? 834 00:47:28,758 --> 00:47:32,545 You're giving me, like, full dom energy today. 835 00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:36,723 An emotional masochist is someone who will get into, uh, 836 00:47:36,897 --> 00:47:40,205 situations and relationships where they will suffer. 837 00:47:40,901 --> 00:47:45,427 It's very-- It's common among, um, survivors of abuse. 838 00:47:45,906 --> 00:47:49,779 Mmm. I feel like you use that as an excuse a lot. 839 00:47:52,391 --> 00:47:55,220 Maybe people just are who they are. 840 00:47:55,394 --> 00:47:58,266 -And who are you, then? -[Nic] Who am I? 841 00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:04,707 I am a guy who doesn't have the same limits 842 00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:06,971 that other people place on themselves. 843 00:48:09,756 --> 00:48:13,325 Or maybe the fact that you were violated 844 00:48:13,499 --> 00:48:18,373 at such a young age provided you a learned experience 845 00:48:18,547 --> 00:48:23,161 where people could trespass over your boundaries 846 00:48:23,335 --> 00:48:26,338 and do what they wanted with your body. 847 00:48:26,860 --> 00:48:29,254 -Well-- Whoa, careful. -Sorry. 848 00:48:30,559 --> 00:48:36,130 Whatever. I mean, models need people to do stuff 849 00:48:36,304 --> 00:48:38,959 with their bodies and they need to be comfortable with it, 850 00:48:39,133 --> 00:48:40,874 so maybe my trauma ended up being 851 00:48:41,048 --> 00:48:42,615 incredibly beneficial to my career. 852 00:48:43,485 --> 00:48:44,965 Have you ever thought about that? 853 00:48:51,102 --> 00:48:52,930 I mean, I-- My head keeps going back to, 854 00:48:53,104 --> 00:48:54,801 where the hell was your dad in all of this? 855 00:48:54,975 --> 00:48:57,064 Like where-- where-- Was he protecting? 856 00:48:57,238 --> 00:48:59,893 -What-- Where was Lewis? -[Nic] No, Lewis was more 857 00:49:00,067 --> 00:49:02,852 interested in the, like, fucking models 858 00:49:03,027 --> 00:49:06,987 and, like, doing coke at parties and that kind of stuff, 859 00:49:07,161 --> 00:49:08,771 which was actually kind of this, like, 860 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:11,905 weird fucked-up bonding thing for us for a while 861 00:49:12,079 --> 00:49:13,907 'cause he never really seemed to like me much 862 00:49:14,081 --> 00:49:16,040 before then, um... 863 00:49:16,997 --> 00:49:19,913 Yeah, it ended up being ultimately incredibly toxic, 864 00:49:20,087 --> 00:49:25,136 and, uh, my mom really got the shit end on that stick. 865 00:49:26,093 --> 00:49:29,314 She doesn't really like talking about the Nicki era. 866 00:49:29,488 --> 00:49:33,144 I mean, I get it. I basically tore the family apart, so. 867 00:49:33,535 --> 00:49:35,189 I think that blame falls 868 00:49:35,363 --> 00:49:37,191 squarely on your dad's shoulders. 869 00:49:37,365 --> 00:49:39,889 No, I mean, if I hadn't gotten famous, 870 00:49:40,064 --> 00:49:41,543 then it wouldn't have... 871 00:49:43,502 --> 00:49:45,460 manifested the way it did for her. 872 00:49:45,634 --> 00:49:49,856 And yet, here you are, wanting to get famous again. 873 00:49:50,335 --> 00:49:52,076 -Yeah. -Mmm. 874 00:49:52,250 --> 00:49:54,034 It's kind of addictive, isn't it? 875 00:49:56,994 --> 00:49:58,996 So, I didn't wanna push before... 876 00:50:02,347 --> 00:50:05,611 But I do want to know about the pitch. 877 00:50:05,785 --> 00:50:06,873 No. 878 00:50:07,917 --> 00:50:09,441 -No. -Come on. 879 00:50:09,615 --> 00:50:11,138 No, you'll just shit on it. 880 00:50:11,312 --> 00:50:12,661 -I won't shit on it. -And I don't really... 881 00:50:14,272 --> 00:50:15,882 -Promise? -Mm-hmm. 882 00:50:16,056 --> 00:50:20,843 Okay. Um, the idea is that I would have guests, 883 00:50:21,018 --> 00:50:25,109 um, come on and they would tell me their dirty sex secrets 884 00:50:25,283 --> 00:50:28,547 and then I would animate those sex secrets and it would be, 885 00:50:28,721 --> 00:50:32,159 like, kind of a combo of reality TV and edgy porn. 886 00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:48,610 The fact that I hate it so much means it will be a success. 887 00:50:48,784 --> 00:50:50,090 [Nic] So rude. 888 00:50:50,612 --> 00:50:54,138 You wanna be famous again too. I can tell. 889 00:50:55,313 --> 00:50:57,097 Not famous, but just read. 890 00:50:57,619 --> 00:50:58,838 Ah. 891 00:51:00,013 --> 00:51:02,929 I miss having an impact on the world. 892 00:51:03,103 --> 00:51:05,149 [Nic] Mmm. That's so noble. 893 00:51:06,498 --> 00:51:08,543 It doesn't have to be about the world. 894 00:51:09,805 --> 00:51:12,156 -[phone buzzing] -Oh. 895 00:51:12,721 --> 00:51:15,376 [exhales, grunts softly] 896 00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:17,204 [clears throat] 897 00:51:18,814 --> 00:51:19,902 What? 898 00:51:22,035 --> 00:51:23,819 -Who was that? -Oh, no one. Sorry. 899 00:51:23,993 --> 00:51:25,299 -You sure? -Yeah. 900 00:51:25,473 --> 00:51:26,779 You just made a really weird face. 901 00:51:26,953 --> 00:51:28,389 -You good? -I made a weird face? 902 00:51:28,563 --> 00:51:30,348 You almost knocked your wine glass over. 903 00:51:30,522 --> 00:51:32,350 -[Priya chuckles] -How are you doing? 904 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:36,397 Huh? How many glasses of wine have you had, drunkie? 905 00:51:39,008 --> 00:51:41,620 It's okay. You're cute when you're tipsy. 906 00:51:41,794 --> 00:51:43,143 Mmm, just a little tipsy. 907 00:51:43,317 --> 00:51:45,363 Mmm. I've never been drunk before. 908 00:51:48,496 --> 00:51:52,805 If you're drunk, maybe you're in the right headspace 909 00:51:52,979 --> 00:51:54,589 to tell me about your masochism. 910 00:51:55,112 --> 00:51:57,418 Emotional masochism. 911 00:51:57,592 --> 00:51:59,725 Come on! Come on. 912 00:51:59,899 --> 00:52:02,989 You're telling me you've never looked at BDSM porn? 913 00:52:03,163 --> 00:52:05,600 -Sure, but for work. -Ah. 914 00:52:05,774 --> 00:52:12,520 It's strictly-- strictly professional... interest. 915 00:52:12,694 --> 00:52:16,045 Mmm. Mm-hmm. [laughs] 916 00:52:16,220 --> 00:52:18,352 So Uncle Aaron has never helped you explore 917 00:52:18,526 --> 00:52:21,138 this strictly professional interest? 918 00:52:22,443 --> 00:52:24,184 So you've never explored it, then? 919 00:52:24,358 --> 00:52:29,711 [contemplative music playing] 920 00:52:32,584 --> 00:52:34,673 [laughs] 921 00:52:34,847 --> 00:52:37,893 Maybe you have, but just not with Aaron. 922 00:52:44,944 --> 00:52:46,467 [Priya] Do you keep secrets from Kristen? 923 00:52:49,905 --> 00:52:50,993 Maybe. 924 00:52:58,218 --> 00:52:59,567 [Priya] Such as... 925 00:53:00,133 --> 00:53:01,656 Um... 926 00:53:02,831 --> 00:53:07,749 Let's just say that cartoon porn pays significantly less 927 00:53:07,923 --> 00:53:09,969 than Kristen thinks it does. 928 00:53:12,841 --> 00:53:14,452 But you have another source of income? 929 00:53:14,626 --> 00:53:16,367 -[Nic] Maybe. -Is it salacious? 930 00:53:17,498 --> 00:53:18,586 [Nic] Maybe. 931 00:53:19,500 --> 00:53:24,462 And now we both know enough about each other to... 932 00:53:25,419 --> 00:53:28,944 make both of our marriages incredibly uncomfortable, 933 00:53:30,859 --> 00:53:33,775 so... [chuckles] 934 00:53:41,348 --> 00:53:46,135 By the way, all that, like-- The BDSM stuff, 935 00:53:47,049 --> 00:53:49,269 -it's kind of mainstream now. -Yeah? 936 00:53:49,443 --> 00:53:51,053 Yeah, it's 50 shades of vanilla. 937 00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:52,446 You don't have to be embarrassed. 938 00:53:52,620 --> 00:53:55,057 -Oh, well, that's good. -It's fun. 939 00:53:58,844 --> 00:54:01,629 Yeah, I need to say good night to my kids before 940 00:54:01,803 --> 00:54:03,327 -it gets too late, I think. -Yeah. 941 00:54:03,501 --> 00:54:05,024 Maybe do a FaceTime with Great Aunt Priya? 942 00:54:05,198 --> 00:54:06,330 No. 943 00:54:06,504 --> 00:54:07,940 -Come on! -Nope. 944 00:54:08,114 --> 00:54:11,073 Great Aunt Priya is tipsy. 945 00:54:12,336 --> 00:54:14,816 I like FaceTiming when I'm tipsy. 946 00:54:15,556 --> 00:54:21,083 Oh! Look like Kathy Bates playing Wolverine. 947 00:54:21,997 --> 00:54:24,826 -Ugh. Rough. -[Priya giggling] 948 00:54:25,566 --> 00:54:30,615 ♪ 949 00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:40,494 Okay. All right. Well, I gotta go. 950 00:54:40,668 --> 00:54:43,018 Tell your mom I said goodnight, okay, bud? 951 00:54:43,192 --> 00:54:44,672 -[Jasper] Bye! -All right, bye. 952 00:54:44,846 --> 00:54:45,934 Aww. 953 00:54:46,718 --> 00:54:49,286 I remember when Laurel was that age. 954 00:54:49,460 --> 00:54:51,549 Just running wild already. 955 00:54:51,723 --> 00:54:55,857 Mmm, yeah. Jasper is so high-energy that if-- 956 00:54:56,031 --> 00:54:58,904 uh, if I'm not watching him every minute, 957 00:54:59,078 --> 00:55:01,602 he will actually run right under a moving truck. 958 00:55:01,776 --> 00:55:04,475 If Jocelyn doesn't bulldoze him herself. 959 00:55:04,649 --> 00:55:08,087 She is such a bossy little thing. 960 00:55:09,088 --> 00:55:10,176 What? 961 00:55:12,265 --> 00:55:13,701 It's nothing. My mom used to call me bossy. 962 00:55:13,875 --> 00:55:15,007 It's just a trigger, that's all. 963 00:55:15,181 --> 00:55:16,313 -Oh. -That's all. 964 00:55:16,487 --> 00:55:18,315 -Sorry. Shit. -No, please no. 965 00:55:18,489 --> 00:55:22,493 She'd be so worried about me doing anything to upset my dad. 966 00:55:22,667 --> 00:55:24,973 She had no idea he was getting off on it, 967 00:55:25,147 --> 00:55:29,717 and she was just so intent on making everything my fault, 968 00:55:29,891 --> 00:55:32,285 -so... -God. So sorry. 969 00:55:32,459 --> 00:55:36,071 I, uh, I hope I don't make Jocelyn feel that way. 970 00:55:36,245 --> 00:55:38,900 I, uh, I love that she has a mind of her own. 971 00:55:39,074 --> 00:55:42,295 It can be intimidating for boys, you know? 972 00:55:43,078 --> 00:55:46,865 The reason why a lot of boys kinda, like, stayed away from-- 973 00:55:47,039 --> 00:55:48,562 Well, you know what? 974 00:55:48,736 --> 00:55:50,172 Could've been the acne and the bad glasses. 975 00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:53,088 I do not remember acne or bad glasses. 976 00:55:53,262 --> 00:55:56,135 I mean, they were gone by the time I married into your family, 977 00:55:56,309 --> 00:55:58,224 -but... -Yeah, they definitely were. 978 00:55:58,398 --> 00:56:01,836 What I remember most on that first trip when you came to 979 00:56:02,010 --> 00:56:04,622 our house was my mom talking about how gorgeous you were. 980 00:56:04,796 --> 00:56:08,452 -No mention of acne or glasses. -Aww. Love your mom. [chuckles] 981 00:56:08,626 --> 00:56:11,803 And I remember my dad repeatedly saying that he hoped he didn't 982 00:56:11,977 --> 00:56:13,892 have to talk to you about your sex book. 983 00:56:14,066 --> 00:56:15,241 [both chuckle] 984 00:56:17,069 --> 00:56:19,680 And that same trip, do you remember, 985 00:56:19,854 --> 00:56:22,204 you were sitting outside painting your toenails... 986 00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:23,554 -Uh-huh. -...and I came out and I must've 987 00:56:23,728 --> 00:56:26,078 been, like, staring so intently 988 00:56:26,252 --> 00:56:28,341 because you offered to paint mine too. 989 00:56:28,515 --> 00:56:30,169 What were you, like, 14 or something? 990 00:56:30,343 --> 00:56:31,692 [Nic] Younger, I think. 991 00:56:32,606 --> 00:56:35,870 There was something about that trip that left a huge... 992 00:56:36,044 --> 00:56:40,701 like, a pretty big impact on me, I guess, actually, 'cause you-- 993 00:56:40,875 --> 00:56:42,703 you talked to me like I was an adult, 994 00:56:42,877 --> 00:56:46,315 which just hadn't really happened in my family before, 995 00:56:46,490 --> 00:56:49,188 and you-- you kind of made me feel like I was less, like, 996 00:56:49,362 --> 00:56:50,494 wrong. 997 00:56:51,320 --> 00:56:54,628 Not to get too woo-woo about it, but... 998 00:56:55,107 --> 00:56:56,456 Thank you. 999 00:56:56,630 --> 00:56:58,284 Uh-huh. I wish I saw you more back then. 1000 00:56:58,458 --> 00:57:02,549 -I wish I saw you more. -I don't think I saw you again 1001 00:57:02,723 --> 00:57:03,942 until the wedding. 1002 00:57:04,421 --> 00:57:08,947 Jack's wedding, when we danced the night away. 1003 00:57:09,121 --> 00:57:10,644 You keep bringing that up. 1004 00:57:12,951 --> 00:57:16,128 That wedding was a total disaster. I wish I hadn't gone. 1005 00:57:17,608 --> 00:57:19,697 That time was such a mess. 1006 00:57:19,871 --> 00:57:21,699 My second book had just come out, 1007 00:57:21,873 --> 00:57:25,790 it hadn't been received as well as Patriarchyhad. 1008 00:57:25,964 --> 00:57:30,142 Aaron was in London again on a research gig. 1009 00:57:30,316 --> 00:57:33,841 But Jack was getting married to my cousin Rachel-- 1010 00:57:34,015 --> 00:57:36,540 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Rachel was your cousin? 1011 00:57:36,714 --> 00:57:38,411 She was my cousin. Did you not know that? 1012 00:57:38,585 --> 00:57:40,021 I mean, I guess I must've... 1013 00:57:40,195 --> 00:57:41,762 Did you not notice my father was there? 1014 00:57:41,936 --> 00:57:43,808 -Did you not meet him there? -I did. 1015 00:57:43,982 --> 00:57:46,985 I mean, he was old, but he wasn't senile. 1016 00:57:47,159 --> 00:57:50,554 Yet. But he was still terrifying. 1017 00:57:51,555 --> 00:57:54,340 -Is that why you got so drunk? -[Priya] Mmm. 1018 00:57:55,210 --> 00:57:59,171 The whole night is one big blur. 1019 00:57:59,345 --> 00:58:00,433 Come on. 1020 00:58:01,129 --> 00:58:03,958 You do remember dancing with me, right? 1021 00:58:05,264 --> 00:58:07,571 I do remember thinking you were really sweet, 1022 00:58:07,745 --> 00:58:10,574 and beautiful, and so fun. 1023 00:58:15,013 --> 00:58:17,668 Do you remember, uh, 1024 00:58:19,626 --> 00:58:21,323 dropping your purse 1025 00:58:22,934 --> 00:58:24,065 at the wedding? 1026 00:58:26,677 --> 00:58:28,766 The purse with your room key in it? 1027 00:58:33,901 --> 00:58:35,250 You know, I-- I... 1028 00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:39,037 I, uh... 1029 00:58:39,907 --> 00:58:43,084 I used-- I used the key. 1030 00:58:45,260 --> 00:58:46,348 You know? 1031 00:58:48,263 --> 00:58:52,441 I-- I mean, I-- I was 19, and I just, like-- 1032 00:58:53,617 --> 00:58:58,273 My hot aunt had been flirting with me, and I-- I guess I... 1033 00:58:59,405 --> 00:59:01,842 I wanted to see if, um... 1034 00:59:06,107 --> 00:59:08,109 um, but, I saw... 1035 00:59:08,283 --> 00:59:14,899 [low, tense music playing] 1036 00:59:20,600 --> 00:59:25,605 [Priya breathes shakily] 1037 00:59:28,913 --> 00:59:29,957 [Priya sniffles] 1038 00:59:33,657 --> 00:59:35,659 [lighter flickering] 1039 00:59:35,833 --> 00:59:43,449 ♪ 1040 00:59:45,930 --> 00:59:47,105 [Priya chuckles] 1041 00:59:47,279 --> 00:59:48,759 Wow, okay. 1042 00:59:52,763 --> 00:59:53,807 You saw that? 1043 01:00:01,293 --> 01:00:06,211 I-- I did-- I didn't-- I didn't see much. 1044 01:00:10,258 --> 01:00:12,043 [distant booming] 1045 01:00:12,217 --> 01:00:15,220 But I just saw you on the bed, 1046 01:00:15,394 --> 01:00:18,397 and your dad... 1047 01:00:24,446 --> 01:00:26,013 I-- I got out of there. 1048 01:00:27,449 --> 01:00:29,234 Just dropped your purse and ran away. 1049 01:00:38,373 --> 01:00:40,288 Nic, it wasn't sex. 1050 01:00:40,985 --> 01:00:42,290 Okay? 1051 01:00:42,639 --> 01:00:44,945 I want you to know that it was never sex. 1052 01:00:46,468 --> 01:00:47,600 [Nic] Okay. 1053 01:00:48,732 --> 01:00:51,256 So it-- it wasn't sexual at all, then? 1054 01:00:56,391 --> 01:00:58,306 I swear I'm not judging you. 1055 01:00:59,394 --> 01:01:00,482 Priya... 1056 01:01:01,570 --> 01:01:04,356 but, can I ask, 1057 01:01:05,618 --> 01:01:07,664 um, did that just keep going 1058 01:01:07,838 --> 01:01:10,405 from-- from when you were little, or... 1059 01:01:10,579 --> 01:01:13,539 No. No. [inhales] 1060 01:01:14,366 --> 01:01:15,367 Almost never. 1061 01:01:16,281 --> 01:01:17,369 Almost? 1062 01:01:20,851 --> 01:01:22,374 Fuck, Nic... 1063 01:01:24,768 --> 01:01:26,552 I never wanted you to see that. 1064 01:01:26,726 --> 01:01:29,163 I never wanted anyone to see that. 1065 01:01:30,338 --> 01:01:32,210 [Nic] I mean, I know it's not easy, but I actually, 1066 01:01:32,384 --> 01:01:36,214 I-- I kind of like talking to you about this. 1067 01:01:37,432 --> 01:01:40,522 It-- it makes me feel like you trust me, 1068 01:01:41,828 --> 01:01:44,135 and that-- that I can trust you too. 1069 01:01:59,803 --> 01:02:00,847 You know, 1070 01:02:03,545 --> 01:02:09,421 I've never really talked to anyone... 1071 01:02:13,338 --> 01:02:14,600 about what you saw. 1072 01:02:18,778 --> 01:02:21,955 I've never written about it in any of my books. 1073 01:02:22,129 --> 01:02:25,045 I mean, I-- I've written about the hitting 1074 01:02:25,219 --> 01:02:28,527 and the pleasure it seemed to give him, 1075 01:02:28,701 --> 01:02:31,182 but I could never admit 1076 01:02:33,271 --> 01:02:37,101 just how it connected fear and pleasure for me. 1077 01:02:44,673 --> 01:02:48,373 Sometimes after he'd hit me, I'd go hide out and... [scoffs] 1078 01:02:51,985 --> 01:02:53,030 ...masturbate. 1079 01:02:55,989 --> 01:02:57,251 Thought that was totally normal. 1080 01:02:59,993 --> 01:03:01,560 You know, we just-- We're kids. 1081 01:03:01,734 --> 01:03:03,170 We just think everything's so normal, 1082 01:03:03,344 --> 01:03:05,259 and as I grew up, I just... 1083 01:03:06,217 --> 01:03:10,525 I realized it wasn't normal, and what was happening was bad, 1084 01:03:10,699 --> 01:03:13,615 and what he was doing was bad, and what I was doing was bad, 1085 01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:14,834 but... 1086 01:03:17,532 --> 01:03:18,620 No. 1087 01:03:19,839 --> 01:03:21,580 [Priya] Yeah, it was bad. 1088 01:03:22,842 --> 01:03:24,713 I did it anyway. I just felt like shit. 1089 01:03:24,888 --> 01:03:27,281 I felt dirty. I felt sick. 1090 01:03:29,631 --> 01:03:31,329 I felt like a pervert. 1091 01:03:32,199 --> 01:03:34,201 No, you weren't doing anything wrong. 1092 01:03:35,812 --> 01:03:37,857 You were just a kid, you know? 1093 01:03:39,903 --> 01:03:43,994 I mean, I-- I think about my kids, and they-- they're-- 1094 01:03:44,995 --> 01:03:47,345 they're just built to love, you know? They just... 1095 01:03:48,433 --> 01:03:50,261 They're meant to trust, and... 1096 01:03:52,524 --> 01:03:54,787 You-- you didn't do anything wrong. 1097 01:03:54,961 --> 01:03:56,745 Your dad is the fucked up one. 1098 01:03:58,530 --> 01:03:59,923 You know that, right? 1099 01:04:00,097 --> 01:04:01,968 And yet you don't know it. 1100 01:04:04,797 --> 01:04:06,364 It's exhausting. 1101 01:04:06,538 --> 01:04:07,626 [chuckles] 1102 01:04:08,714 --> 01:04:09,889 Seriously. 1103 01:04:15,025 --> 01:04:18,463 So, is-- is that part of sex for you now? 1104 01:04:18,637 --> 01:04:19,856 Getting spanked? 1105 01:04:20,378 --> 01:04:21,422 God. 1106 01:04:22,336 --> 01:04:23,860 I hate that word. 1107 01:04:25,339 --> 01:04:26,906 [Nic] What word do you prefer? 1108 01:04:27,646 --> 01:04:28,865 Like, whipped? 1109 01:04:31,911 --> 01:04:32,956 Hit. 1110 01:04:35,001 --> 01:04:36,873 I'm the one who gets hit. 1111 01:04:38,700 --> 01:04:40,398 Do you ever think of just telling Aaron 1112 01:04:40,572 --> 01:04:42,704 -what it is that you like? -[Priya scoffs] 1113 01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:46,883 Well, okay, "like" is not the word I'd use. 1114 01:04:48,145 --> 01:04:49,233 It's, um... 1115 01:04:50,060 --> 01:04:53,193 I don't know. I don't know what it is. It's maybe... 1116 01:04:54,455 --> 01:04:56,283 [exhales] 1117 01:04:56,457 --> 01:04:58,764 Satisfying? I don't know. 1118 01:05:00,244 --> 01:05:01,288 Yeah. 1119 01:05:03,551 --> 01:05:05,249 Aaron would never understand. 1120 01:05:10,602 --> 01:05:12,125 He's such a good guy, you know? 1121 01:05:13,518 --> 01:05:14,693 He'd never understand. 1122 01:05:15,912 --> 01:05:17,783 He'd think he did something wrong. He... 1123 01:05:18,871 --> 01:05:19,916 I don't know. 1124 01:05:21,743 --> 01:05:23,441 He'd never forgive me. 1125 01:05:26,357 --> 01:05:28,576 I mean, my readers wouldn't understand either. 1126 01:05:28,750 --> 01:05:30,883 [sniffles] I go around presenting myself 1127 01:05:31,057 --> 01:05:34,452 as such a goddamn feminist role model. 1128 01:05:34,626 --> 01:05:35,714 Hey. 1129 01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:40,632 Who says a feminist can't enjoy a good spanking once in a while? 1130 01:05:40,806 --> 01:05:42,808 Oh, I've done enough reading to know that 1131 01:05:42,982 --> 01:05:45,506 there's a version of hitting that is about 1132 01:05:46,377 --> 01:05:48,770 female consent and female empowerment 1133 01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:50,816 that's not connected to trauma and abuse, 1134 01:05:50,990 --> 01:05:53,340 but that's not what I am up to. 1135 01:05:57,257 --> 01:06:00,478 Mine is deeply rooted in... 1136 01:06:01,740 --> 01:06:03,133 the desires of men. 1137 01:06:04,395 --> 01:06:06,919 It is deeply rooted in... 1138 01:06:10,792 --> 01:06:12,446 my fractures. 1139 01:06:15,972 --> 01:06:17,016 God. 1140 01:06:17,843 --> 01:06:19,018 Must be really... 1141 01:06:21,194 --> 01:06:23,109 hard to be able to do that. 1142 01:06:24,632 --> 01:06:25,720 Do what? 1143 01:06:26,156 --> 01:06:27,766 [Nic] Analyze yourself. 1144 01:06:27,940 --> 01:06:30,725 -[exhales] -Diagnose yourself. 1145 01:06:33,250 --> 01:06:34,294 It's my job. 1146 01:06:35,469 --> 01:06:36,601 [Nic] Yeah, but, I mean... 1147 01:06:38,385 --> 01:06:40,648 does it leave you any room for 1148 01:06:42,650 --> 01:06:44,261 pleasure, or... 1149 01:06:51,181 --> 01:06:52,225 Hmm. 1150 01:06:53,966 --> 01:06:56,360 No. I guess not. 1151 01:06:58,797 --> 01:06:59,885 It's a shame. 1152 01:07:02,583 --> 01:07:04,107 I think you deserve that. 1153 01:07:09,286 --> 01:07:10,374 [clink] 1154 01:07:11,027 --> 01:07:12,376 Tell me about the text you got. 1155 01:07:18,295 --> 01:07:19,383 Um, 1156 01:07:20,340 --> 01:07:24,301 so you know how Lewis was my manager? 1157 01:07:25,476 --> 01:07:26,520 Um... 1158 01:07:30,568 --> 01:07:32,178 he's kind of... 1159 01:07:33,701 --> 01:07:35,529 like, my pimp, too. 1160 01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:37,923 I, uh, 1161 01:07:39,968 --> 01:07:41,927 I make most of my money these days 1162 01:07:42,101 --> 01:07:44,538 as, like, uh, an online escort, 1163 01:07:46,366 --> 01:07:48,977 for grown-up fans of Nicki. 1164 01:07:51,241 --> 01:07:53,678 People your dad finds? 1165 01:07:53,852 --> 01:07:57,160 He kept a list over the years of Nicki's fan club, 1166 01:07:57,334 --> 01:07:58,465 and, um, 1167 01:07:59,423 --> 01:08:02,556 he sent them little messages saying, 1168 01:08:03,601 --> 01:08:05,211 "chat with Nicki." 1169 01:08:06,256 --> 01:08:10,477 You know, and then people would then ask for more, 1170 01:08:10,651 --> 01:08:12,653 and they'd offer to pay more. 1171 01:08:16,004 --> 01:08:17,093 So... 1172 01:08:21,140 --> 01:08:23,447 -[Priya] And Kristen doesn't-- -No. 1173 01:08:23,621 --> 01:08:26,102 -Mm-hmm. -It's just online. 1174 01:08:27,929 --> 01:08:29,583 Online can be real too. 1175 01:08:31,019 --> 01:08:32,108 [Nic] That's true. 1176 01:08:37,548 --> 01:08:39,767 So when Aaron is away, do you ever... 1177 01:08:41,987 --> 01:08:46,296 find anyone to-- to hit you for real? 1178 01:08:48,689 --> 01:08:55,609 [tense music playing] 1179 01:08:57,872 --> 01:09:01,049 [sighs] 1180 01:09:05,750 --> 01:09:07,143 Is that something you want? 1181 01:09:20,634 --> 01:09:22,245 [exhales] 1182 01:09:23,724 --> 01:09:24,769 I gotta go to sleep. 1183 01:09:26,118 --> 01:09:28,164 Let's pick it up in the morning, okay? 1184 01:09:35,823 --> 01:09:42,047 [light music playing] 1185 01:09:51,099 --> 01:09:56,148 [footsteps approaching] 1186 01:09:58,716 --> 01:09:59,978 -Hi. -[Priya] Hey. 1187 01:10:00,979 --> 01:10:02,981 [Priya exhales] 1188 01:10:05,766 --> 01:10:06,898 [Nic] Hello. 1189 01:10:07,855 --> 01:10:11,642 [both laughing] 1190 01:10:11,816 --> 01:10:13,513 [Nic] Do you know what this is like? 1191 01:10:13,687 --> 01:10:18,475 This is like the morning after a one night stand, 1192 01:10:18,953 --> 01:10:20,868 when you wake up next to someone and you're like, 1193 01:10:21,042 --> 01:10:22,218 "Wait, what just happened? 1194 01:10:22,392 --> 01:10:23,958 -Who are you?" -Oh, my God. 1195 01:10:24,132 --> 01:10:26,657 I don't know how you got me to talk so much. 1196 01:10:27,310 --> 01:10:29,660 Or drink so much. 1197 01:10:29,834 --> 01:10:33,098 Come on. You had three glasses of wine. 1198 01:10:34,708 --> 01:10:36,710 [phone buzzing] 1199 01:10:38,843 --> 01:10:39,887 Who is it? 1200 01:10:40,627 --> 01:10:42,281 -It's the home. -Uh-huh. 1201 01:10:42,455 --> 01:10:43,804 Busy avoiding them. 1202 01:10:44,196 --> 01:10:47,939 -Is he okay? -Mm-hmm, yeah, he's okay. 1203 01:10:48,113 --> 01:10:50,376 He's totally confused. Deeply senile. 1204 01:10:50,942 --> 01:10:52,552 He keeps asking about me, 1205 01:10:52,726 --> 01:10:54,859 which is why they're probably calling so much. 1206 01:10:55,033 --> 01:10:57,165 Yikes. When was the last time you saw him? 1207 01:10:57,340 --> 01:11:01,387 [Priya] Um... six months ago? 1208 01:11:02,736 --> 01:11:07,480 I had gone over to tell him that I was trying to forgive him, 1209 01:11:08,438 --> 01:11:14,444 and he looked at me like he had no idea who the fuck I was. 1210 01:11:15,445 --> 01:11:17,708 Well, I could tell my words struck some kind of chord 1211 01:11:17,882 --> 01:11:20,188 'cause he started shouting at me, 1212 01:11:20,363 --> 01:11:22,539 telling me to get out of his sight. 1213 01:11:23,366 --> 01:11:27,283 Nurse had to lead me out and I haven't been back since. 1214 01:11:28,545 --> 01:11:29,676 [Nic] Yikes. 1215 01:11:32,505 --> 01:11:36,248 You know, the fact that I can stay away this long 1216 01:11:36,422 --> 01:11:37,858 when I know that he's dying in there 1217 01:11:38,032 --> 01:11:40,208 makes me feel like a bit of a sociopath. 1218 01:11:41,253 --> 01:11:44,909 I had all these people, all these survivors, 1219 01:11:45,953 --> 01:11:49,348 tell me how they cut off ties with their abusers 1220 01:11:49,522 --> 01:11:51,132 after reading my book, 1221 01:11:51,307 --> 01:11:52,569 and here I am, just... 1222 01:11:53,352 --> 01:11:56,007 shelling out for this high-end place. 1223 01:11:56,181 --> 01:11:57,313 I totally get it. 1224 01:11:57,791 --> 01:11:59,445 Like, my brain is obviously very aware of 1225 01:11:59,619 --> 01:12:01,273 all the fucked up stuff Lewis has done, 1226 01:12:01,447 --> 01:12:03,362 but at the same time, 1227 01:12:03,536 --> 01:12:06,887 if he hadn't found this alternate source of income, 1228 01:12:07,061 --> 01:12:09,673 -I would be so broke. -Mm-hmm. 1229 01:12:09,847 --> 01:12:12,980 And, uh... voilà. 1230 01:12:13,154 --> 01:12:16,244 -Very nice. Very nice. -Thank you. 1231 01:12:16,984 --> 01:12:18,638 -Let me do yours. -Mm-mm. 1232 01:12:18,812 --> 01:12:22,207 Come on. We do nails all the time with the kids. Come on. 1233 01:12:34,959 --> 01:12:37,048 I'm really fascinated by all these 1234 01:12:37,222 --> 01:12:39,355 -online encounters of yours. -Mmm. 1235 01:12:41,182 --> 01:12:45,622 Do you like your clients? How-- how do you feel about them? 1236 01:12:46,187 --> 01:12:47,406 [Nic] I, uh... 1237 01:12:48,146 --> 01:12:49,408 I like a lot of them. 1238 01:12:51,497 --> 01:12:54,282 Some of them, they're, like, the highlight of my day. 1239 01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:56,937 The way that they... 1240 01:12:58,374 --> 01:12:59,679 I don't know, gaze at me, 1241 01:12:59,853 --> 01:13:03,683 it makes me feel interesting and... 1242 01:13:04,858 --> 01:13:05,903 important. 1243 01:13:07,339 --> 01:13:08,384 Like you. 1244 01:13:11,865 --> 01:13:13,780 Have I been gazing at you? 1245 01:13:18,437 --> 01:13:22,006 I've been gazing back, in case you hadn't noticed. 1246 01:13:27,403 --> 01:13:28,926 I see what you're doing. 1247 01:13:29,840 --> 01:13:32,059 [Nic] What am I doing? 1248 01:13:32,756 --> 01:13:37,064 You're talking to me and looking at me like I'm one of them. 1249 01:13:37,891 --> 01:13:41,895 One of those online Nicki fans of yours. 1250 01:13:42,505 --> 01:13:44,071 [Nic] You aren't a Nicki fan? 1251 01:13:45,116 --> 01:13:46,422 [chuckling] 1252 01:13:55,735 --> 01:13:57,389 Can I ask you a question? 1253 01:14:00,174 --> 01:14:02,655 At that wedding, you were coming on to me, right? 1254 01:14:04,657 --> 01:14:07,834 That was not just dancing. 1255 01:14:09,880 --> 01:14:11,185 And this weekend... 1256 01:14:13,536 --> 01:14:15,538 all these little moments, like... 1257 01:14:17,409 --> 01:14:18,802 when you unbuttoned your blouse 1258 01:14:18,976 --> 01:14:20,499 when you thought I wasn't looking. 1259 01:14:22,109 --> 01:14:23,197 And... 1260 01:14:24,242 --> 01:14:27,463 ♪ 1261 01:14:27,637 --> 01:14:29,595 [exhales shakily] 1262 01:14:40,301 --> 01:14:42,042 -[phone buzzing] -[gasps] 1263 01:14:43,174 --> 01:14:44,480 Fuck, it's Aaron. 1264 01:14:50,398 --> 01:14:51,487 Hey! 1265 01:14:53,880 --> 01:14:58,711 [mellow instrumental playing] 1266 01:15:13,465 --> 01:15:14,510 Why'd you do that? 1267 01:15:15,946 --> 01:15:18,426 -Why did I do what? -Act all ashamed, 1268 01:15:18,601 --> 01:15:20,472 like I was a goddamn porn site or something? 1269 01:15:20,646 --> 01:15:22,735 Because my husband called? 1270 01:15:25,782 --> 01:15:27,044 Look, Nic. 1271 01:15:27,610 --> 01:15:29,394 What we were doing, what we were starting to do, 1272 01:15:29,568 --> 01:15:31,178 where you were taking us, was not okay. 1273 01:15:31,352 --> 01:15:32,876 -Wait, where I was taking us? -Okay? By any-- 1274 01:15:33,050 --> 01:15:34,573 So you had nothing to do with it? 1275 01:15:34,747 --> 01:15:36,923 -I-- I'm just saying-- -Okay, I'm gonna own it. 1276 01:15:37,097 --> 01:15:40,100 If I-- if I had wanted something to happen in there, I-- 1277 01:15:40,274 --> 01:15:41,711 Or last night. I-- I don't think 1278 01:15:41,885 --> 01:15:43,843 it would be anything to be ashamed of. 1279 01:15:44,017 --> 01:15:46,803 [scoffs] We're both happy to be married. 1280 01:15:46,977 --> 01:15:48,892 -I mean, at least I am. -I'm married too. 1281 01:15:49,066 --> 01:15:51,677 I'm not saying that it would've been right, I'm just saying 1282 01:15:51,851 --> 01:15:53,679 that there's no sense in guilting yourself for 1283 01:15:53,853 --> 01:15:57,422 the wanting part of it, okay? I feel like you work so hard 1284 01:15:57,596 --> 01:15:59,293 to resist all your impulses, Priya-- 1285 01:15:59,467 --> 01:16:01,208 -Could you just stop this? -Stop what? 1286 01:16:01,382 --> 01:16:03,515 [Priya] Can you just stop making everything okay? 1287 01:16:03,689 --> 01:16:06,866 Will you stop collapsing every boundary known to mankind? Okay? 1288 01:16:07,040 --> 01:16:10,566 We all just-- We need-- we need structure so there's no chaos. 1289 01:16:10,740 --> 01:16:12,568 We need to have some rules to live by. Okay? 1290 01:16:12,742 --> 01:16:14,091 Oh, my God, you're so hard on yourself. 1291 01:16:14,265 --> 01:16:15,875 You're so fucking easy on yourself! 1292 01:16:22,229 --> 01:16:23,535 [Priya sighs] 1293 01:16:30,324 --> 01:16:32,457 Nic, if Aaron was ever to 1294 01:16:34,981 --> 01:16:37,593 find out about whatever that was... 1295 01:16:40,073 --> 01:16:41,901 I-- I would never. 1296 01:16:45,601 --> 01:16:49,126 Look, I don't want to blow up your life. 1297 01:16:49,779 --> 01:16:51,911 But is that honestly your life? 1298 01:16:52,651 --> 01:16:54,000 Your marriage? 1299 01:16:54,174 --> 01:16:55,785 You preach total honesty, 1300 01:16:55,959 --> 01:16:57,656 but you won't even talk for real to your husband. 1301 01:16:57,830 --> 01:16:59,484 I-- I think in every marriage, 1302 01:16:59,658 --> 01:17:01,268 there are things that are left unsaid. 1303 01:17:01,442 --> 01:17:03,662 [Nic] Things like a whole secret BDSM life? 1304 01:17:03,836 --> 01:17:05,272 That is not my life. 1305 01:17:06,099 --> 01:17:07,797 -That is not my life. -Isn't it? 1306 01:17:07,971 --> 01:17:09,233 -Isn't it? -No. 1307 01:17:09,407 --> 01:17:10,190 Isn't that part of everyone's life? 1308 01:17:10,364 --> 01:17:11,452 The secret shit? 1309 01:17:12,236 --> 01:17:13,585 [Priya] Because you're so honest 1310 01:17:13,759 --> 01:17:15,195 -with your secret shit? -Oh, my God. 1311 01:17:15,369 --> 01:17:17,328 See, you don't get it, Nic. 1312 01:17:19,156 --> 01:17:23,595 Aaron is the one thing that keeps me in the world, 1313 01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:26,729 and I can't risk losing him. 1314 01:17:26,903 --> 01:17:29,296 I can't risk losing Kristen either. 1315 01:17:29,775 --> 01:17:31,647 I'm just saying you need to own your shit. 1316 01:17:31,821 --> 01:17:33,300 Okay, fine. Do you want me to confess? 1317 01:17:33,474 --> 01:17:35,302 -Yes! -[stammers] What do you want me 1318 01:17:35,476 --> 01:17:37,348 to confess? What-- what do you-- what do you want me to confess? 1319 01:17:37,522 --> 01:17:39,698 That-- that I'm not totally honest with what I want? Sure. 1320 01:17:39,872 --> 01:17:42,005 That-- that something just happened, something fucked up 1321 01:17:42,179 --> 01:17:44,094 just happened between us and it was sexual? Yes. 1322 01:17:44,268 --> 01:17:46,487 Like all my other encounters? Sure. Is that what you want, 1323 01:17:46,662 --> 01:17:48,446 that I'm not faithful to Aaron? You happy? 1324 01:17:48,620 --> 01:17:50,143 Maybe you're faithful to yourself. 1325 01:17:50,317 --> 01:17:51,971 -[laughs] Oh, God. -Your real self, kind of. 1326 01:17:52,145 --> 01:17:53,625 [groans] 1327 01:17:59,283 --> 01:18:00,719 [sighs] 1328 01:18:04,418 --> 01:18:05,637 I can't-- 1329 01:18:10,033 --> 01:18:11,425 I can't have that 1330 01:18:13,950 --> 01:18:15,560 be my real self. 1331 01:18:17,083 --> 01:18:18,606 Like, do you understand that? 1332 01:18:18,781 --> 01:18:22,306 I-- I-- That-- that part of me is too tainted. 1333 01:18:22,480 --> 01:18:25,962 It-- it is just mixed up with my dad. 1334 01:18:26,136 --> 01:18:28,312 That-- that part of myself is too broken. 1335 01:18:28,486 --> 01:18:30,227 I-- I know what you're saying, I know what you're trying to 1336 01:18:30,401 --> 01:18:33,883 get me to do, but I-- I can't have that. 1337 01:18:38,626 --> 01:18:42,456 You know what? We've spent way too much time off the record. 1338 01:18:42,630 --> 01:18:44,632 We're-- We gotta get back. I-- I don't even know 1339 01:18:44,807 --> 01:18:46,504 if we have anything here. 1340 01:18:46,678 --> 01:18:48,506 I gotta find if we have anything here, and-- and you-- 1341 01:18:48,680 --> 01:18:50,638 you have to leave soon. We have a timeline. 1342 01:18:50,813 --> 01:18:52,205 -Uh... -Unbelievable. 1343 01:18:52,989 --> 01:18:54,947 Why don't we, uh, get back to 1344 01:18:55,121 --> 01:18:58,864 your, uh, babysitters and-- and your baths? 1345 01:19:00,561 --> 01:19:04,957 Um... yeah. Let's. 1346 01:19:06,089 --> 01:19:08,831 -[Priya] Do you... -[stammering] What? 1347 01:19:09,005 --> 01:19:13,139 [Priya] I don't know. Do you-- do you, um... 1348 01:19:16,664 --> 01:19:18,884 How long did it go on for? The abuse. 1349 01:19:21,408 --> 01:19:23,323 I don't know. Eventually they moved away. 1350 01:19:23,497 --> 01:19:25,848 I think I was, like, six or seven. 1351 01:19:29,460 --> 01:19:33,856 Did you ever see them again? As an adult, I mean. 1352 01:19:34,030 --> 01:19:38,077 Yeah, actually. Once I saw Mrs. Ellison. 1353 01:19:39,426 --> 01:19:42,212 Aunt Carol, she had me call her. 1354 01:19:42,386 --> 01:19:44,257 Um, it was at this big blowout party 1355 01:19:44,431 --> 01:19:45,868 that my dad threw for Nicki. 1356 01:19:46,738 --> 01:19:49,262 It was-- You know, after the divorce, 1357 01:19:49,872 --> 01:19:52,657 my agent, the real agent that I had dropped me 1358 01:19:52,831 --> 01:19:55,616 'cause I kept showing up late and fucking up big gigs-- 1359 01:19:55,791 --> 01:19:59,446 -Why did you do that? -Mmm, 'cause I, um... 1360 01:19:59,925 --> 01:20:02,580 I really started to believe my own importance in the world, 1361 01:20:02,754 --> 01:20:06,802 which, turns out I'd vastly overestimated. 1362 01:20:07,324 --> 01:20:09,500 Is this just before you quit? 1363 01:20:10,196 --> 01:20:11,241 Yeah. 1364 01:20:12,285 --> 01:20:13,721 You know what? Fuck it. 1365 01:20:15,767 --> 01:20:19,031 I've never really told anyone, not the whole thing, but, yeah. 1366 01:20:19,205 --> 01:20:21,120 -I can turn it off. -Record it. 1367 01:20:21,817 --> 01:20:23,514 This is what you want, right? 1368 01:20:24,384 --> 01:20:25,690 Um... 1369 01:20:26,343 --> 01:20:30,434 Okay, yeah, I was at this, uh-- this big blowout party 1370 01:20:30,608 --> 01:20:36,701 that my dad threw for Nicki, and I see Aunt Carol come in, 1371 01:20:36,875 --> 01:20:41,010 and I-- I see that she's kind of scared of me, 1372 01:20:42,011 --> 01:20:43,186 and I... 1373 01:20:44,230 --> 01:20:46,929 I start, like, kind of getting off on her being scared 1374 01:20:47,103 --> 01:20:50,671 and I start flirting with her pretty seriously. I'm-- 1375 01:20:51,672 --> 01:20:53,805 I probably would've slept with the old bag 1376 01:20:53,979 --> 01:20:57,287 if my dad hadn't seen what was going on and-- 1377 01:20:58,070 --> 01:21:02,422 and come over and steered me away from her 1378 01:21:02,596 --> 01:21:08,124 and pawned me off on the Nicki fan club, and... 1379 01:21:10,909 --> 01:21:14,957 I swear I never did this. Ever. Ever. 1380 01:21:15,131 --> 01:21:17,742 But that night, I found myself 1381 01:21:18,830 --> 01:21:20,397 hitting on this kid. 1382 01:21:21,877 --> 01:21:23,879 I mean, he wasn't a child by any means, 1383 01:21:24,053 --> 01:21:25,228 but he was definitely... 1384 01:21:26,664 --> 01:21:30,189 He was-- he was not old enough 1385 01:21:30,363 --> 01:21:32,322 for me to be flirting with, and-- 1386 01:21:33,540 --> 01:21:36,543 and I remember staring at these bushes in the backyard, 1387 01:21:36,717 --> 01:21:37,805 and, um... 1388 01:21:38,981 --> 01:21:40,025 Um... 1389 01:21:43,115 --> 01:21:45,378 Back when I was a kid, there was this little neighbor girl 1390 01:21:45,552 --> 01:21:49,643 who was younger than me-- like, six-- and... 1391 01:21:50,644 --> 01:21:54,387 one time, I-- I led her into those bushes 1392 01:21:54,561 --> 01:21:57,564 and we... played doctor. 1393 01:21:58,217 --> 01:22:01,960 But after she pulled down her pants, she got really scared. 1394 01:22:02,134 --> 01:22:04,528 She just ran away 1395 01:22:05,572 --> 01:22:07,096 and never came back. 1396 01:22:07,748 --> 01:22:10,142 So I was at the party and this kid was flirting with me, 1397 01:22:10,316 --> 01:22:11,796 and-- and I-- I... 1398 01:22:12,928 --> 01:22:15,278 I remember looking at those bushes and... 1399 01:22:15,452 --> 01:22:18,150 -Did you take him there? -No! No, no, no. I... 1400 01:22:19,673 --> 01:22:21,806 I almost did, but I... 1401 01:22:24,200 --> 01:22:25,288 I kind of... 1402 01:22:26,332 --> 01:22:32,295 I, like, staggered over to them and I fell into them. 1403 01:22:34,645 --> 01:22:36,255 And I-- I remember 1404 01:22:37,517 --> 01:22:40,477 laying there and looking up at those same fucking bushes 1405 01:22:40,651 --> 01:22:45,264 that I had made that girl take her pants off in, 1406 01:22:47,919 --> 01:22:48,964 and I just... 1407 01:22:50,182 --> 01:22:51,488 I knew that 1408 01:22:52,532 --> 01:22:55,971 I had-- I had to get away, or... 1409 01:22:58,321 --> 01:23:00,976 or I was-- I was gonna turn into one of them. 1410 01:23:02,194 --> 01:23:06,329 Like, a-- a monster. 1411 01:23:13,858 --> 01:23:16,687 And so I-- I got myself a cab 1412 01:23:16,861 --> 01:23:20,125 and I got to the airport and I flew away. 1413 01:23:22,127 --> 01:23:24,956 -Where'd you go? -I went to Kristen's. 1414 01:23:28,351 --> 01:23:30,396 She got it more than anyone else, you know? 1415 01:23:30,570 --> 01:23:31,615 Just needing to... 1416 01:23:33,443 --> 01:23:36,533 take a break from that whole world. 1417 01:23:38,535 --> 01:23:43,366 Um, I mean, I-- I think, 1418 01:23:44,671 --> 01:23:45,759 like, I-- 1419 01:23:46,630 --> 01:23:48,632 I really fucking think that I-- 1420 01:23:49,459 --> 01:23:51,330 I saved my own life that night. 1421 01:23:54,812 --> 01:23:55,900 And I... 1422 01:23:56,901 --> 01:23:59,556 I'd be lying if I said I didn't have regrets, or... 1423 01:24:02,689 --> 01:24:04,735 maybe think my dad was right. 1424 01:24:07,346 --> 01:24:08,391 That I blew it. 1425 01:24:10,784 --> 01:24:11,872 Um... 1426 01:24:12,830 --> 01:24:14,179 [exhales] 1427 01:24:33,764 --> 01:24:34,852 Nic. 1428 01:24:36,506 --> 01:24:37,550 Yeah? 1429 01:24:39,291 --> 01:24:40,336 [Priya sighs] 1430 01:24:43,034 --> 01:24:44,905 At the wedding, 1431 01:24:46,211 --> 01:24:49,214 I danced with you like that 1432 01:24:50,563 --> 01:24:53,305 because I wanted him to punish me. 1433 01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:02,140 When-- 1434 01:25:04,403 --> 01:25:07,102 when I was writing about him, I was remembering all the pain, 1435 01:25:07,276 --> 01:25:09,843 and I couldn't really help but remember all the rest, 1436 01:25:10,017 --> 01:25:16,023 and I wanted my second book to be about that, 1437 01:25:16,502 --> 01:25:20,941 about all the secrets shit that he smeared on me. 1438 01:25:21,812 --> 01:25:24,031 But I, uh... 1439 01:25:26,425 --> 01:25:28,949 I just lost my nerve, and I... 1440 01:25:31,517 --> 01:25:33,258 You know, it showed. 1441 01:25:33,432 --> 01:25:38,959 People were just disappointed at shit that I wrote, 1442 01:25:39,134 --> 01:25:42,311 and so at the wedding, 1443 01:25:42,876 --> 01:25:46,663 I decided to throw myself back into the lion's den. 1444 01:25:46,837 --> 01:25:52,277 And I thought if I could just experience it 1445 01:25:54,149 --> 01:25:55,759 as an adult... 1446 01:26:00,546 --> 01:26:02,113 Then maybe I could understand it. 1447 01:26:03,288 --> 01:26:04,333 Finally. 1448 01:26:06,117 --> 01:26:09,599 But it made things so much worse. 1449 01:26:12,254 --> 01:26:16,475 Because I had always felt, uh, complicit. 1450 01:26:17,868 --> 01:26:20,000 But I could justify it 1451 01:26:20,175 --> 01:26:24,135 and-- and say that I was a kid or a teenager, but... 1452 01:26:32,491 --> 01:26:33,840 I was an adult. 1453 01:26:38,454 --> 01:26:43,850 And I am trying to 1454 01:26:45,678 --> 01:26:47,463 reconcile with that fact, 1455 01:26:49,856 --> 01:26:51,380 and I keep... 1456 01:26:53,120 --> 01:26:54,209 failing. 1457 01:27:01,128 --> 01:27:02,695 So there you have it. 1458 01:27:02,869 --> 01:27:07,483 That's my... secretest of secret shit. 1459 01:27:17,928 --> 01:27:18,972 [Nic] Uh... 1460 01:27:20,713 --> 01:27:21,758 Yeah. 1461 01:27:23,760 --> 01:27:24,804 Maybe-- 1462 01:27:26,545 --> 01:27:28,678 maybe we could go take a walk or something. 1463 01:27:29,766 --> 01:27:32,421 -Mmm. -[Nic] I, um... 1464 01:27:33,073 --> 01:27:34,814 [inhales shakily] 1465 01:27:34,988 --> 01:27:37,643 I'm feeling a little fried from the... 1466 01:27:37,817 --> 01:27:39,950 fighting the nerve endings or whatever. 1467 01:27:40,124 --> 01:27:41,560 I, uh... 1468 01:27:43,345 --> 01:27:44,955 I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go pee, 1469 01:27:45,129 --> 01:27:46,217 and then... 1470 01:27:46,957 --> 01:27:49,742 we can go get some fresh, non-traumatized air. 1471 01:27:49,916 --> 01:27:51,004 [chuckles] 1472 01:27:51,788 --> 01:27:53,180 Okay. 1473 01:28:09,284 --> 01:28:12,852 [phone buzzing] 1474 01:28:13,026 --> 01:28:14,463 Nic, your phone is ringing. 1475 01:28:21,078 --> 01:28:22,601 It's Kristen. Do you want me to get it? 1476 01:28:22,775 --> 01:28:24,908 [Nic] No. No, I'll be right down. 1477 01:28:34,439 --> 01:28:40,750 [inquisitive music playing] 1478 01:28:56,853 --> 01:29:02,554 ♪ 1479 01:29:08,778 --> 01:29:11,955 [Priya on video] I danced with you like that 1480 01:29:13,086 --> 01:29:17,526 because I wanted him to punish me. 1481 01:29:17,700 --> 01:29:20,746 When I was writing about him, I was remembering all the pain, 1482 01:29:20,920 --> 01:29:23,488 and I couldn't really help but remember all the rest, 1483 01:29:23,662 --> 01:29:29,451 and I wanted my second book to be about that, 1484 01:29:29,625 --> 01:29:34,281 about all the secrets shit that he smeared on me. 1485 01:29:35,195 --> 01:29:39,809 But I, uh... I just lost my nerve, and I... 1486 01:29:40,592 --> 01:29:41,811 -You know, it showed-- -[video stops] 1487 01:29:44,509 --> 01:29:46,990 [exhales] Look... 1488 01:29:47,730 --> 01:29:49,035 I've been so careful. 1489 01:29:49,732 --> 01:29:52,474 I've been so careful 1490 01:29:53,083 --> 01:29:57,087 not to record you when you don't wanna be recorded, and... 1491 01:29:57,261 --> 01:29:59,481 [Nic] I mean, I-- I wasn't gonna do anything with it. 1492 01:29:59,655 --> 01:30:00,917 -What was this for? -I just-- It was, like-- 1493 01:30:01,091 --> 01:30:03,136 I mean... [exhales] 1494 01:30:04,137 --> 01:30:05,835 I was gonna-- I was-- 1495 01:30:06,444 --> 01:30:09,491 I was gonna maybe use it for the show as, like, um... 1496 01:30:10,143 --> 01:30:13,059 like, a proof of concept sort of thing. 1497 01:30:13,233 --> 01:30:15,148 You know, only if you liked it. 1498 01:30:17,324 --> 01:30:19,805 Which, obviously, you don't. So, I, uh... 1499 01:30:19,979 --> 01:30:22,939 You were gonna use this as a proof of concept? 1500 01:30:23,113 --> 01:30:24,288 Um... 1501 01:30:24,462 --> 01:30:27,509 You know, I-- I, uh, I thought-- 1502 01:30:27,683 --> 01:30:30,250 I didn't-- I didn't think that... 1503 01:30:30,425 --> 01:30:34,298 And-- and all that stuff? All that stuff. What was that? 1504 01:30:34,690 --> 01:30:39,434 The-- the seducing me and the-- and the manipulating me, 1505 01:30:39,608 --> 01:30:41,000 -was that... -No. 1506 01:30:41,784 --> 01:30:42,872 I'm-- 1507 01:30:43,481 --> 01:30:45,875 It might have started out that way, 1508 01:30:46,049 --> 01:30:48,051 but then, I mean, obviously something real happened. 1509 01:30:48,225 --> 01:30:51,054 It-- I came into it thinking it would be good practice, 1510 01:30:51,228 --> 01:30:52,577 but then I thought that-- 1511 01:30:52,751 --> 01:30:54,536 You were seducing me for practice? 1512 01:30:54,710 --> 01:30:57,364 I mean, at first, but then-- Look, can you give me the-- 1513 01:30:57,539 --> 01:30:59,279 This is such a fucking violation-- 1514 01:30:59,454 --> 01:31:00,977 -Can you give me the phone? -Nic, get away. 1515 01:31:08,898 --> 01:31:11,596 Do you have any idea what you just did? 1516 01:31:12,423 --> 01:31:13,685 [Nic] I, um... 1517 01:31:16,166 --> 01:31:19,256 I-- I just-- I-- I didn't think there was any harm 1518 01:31:19,430 --> 01:31:20,779 -in recording it. -No, why would you? 1519 01:31:20,953 --> 01:31:22,477 You're a cis white man. 1520 01:31:22,651 --> 01:31:24,087 No accountability for jack shit. Why would you? 1521 01:31:24,261 --> 01:31:26,176 It's just that you have all the cards here. 1522 01:31:26,350 --> 01:31:28,918 -What cards? -You have-- you have this. 1523 01:31:29,092 --> 01:31:30,093 -That? -You know? 1524 01:31:30,267 --> 01:31:31,486 That is reference audio 1525 01:31:32,835 --> 01:31:34,619 that you gave me consent for! 1526 01:31:34,793 --> 01:31:36,665 Because we're writing a book together. 1527 01:31:36,839 --> 01:31:38,101 -Yeah. -As partners. 1528 01:31:38,275 --> 01:31:39,929 Or we were writing a book together. 1529 01:31:40,103 --> 01:31:41,713 Wait, we still are. You can't just quit like that-- 1530 01:31:41,887 --> 01:31:42,888 [shouting] Fuck! 1531 01:31:43,062 --> 01:31:44,150 Okay. 1532 01:31:45,195 --> 01:31:47,502 [sighs] 1533 01:31:52,855 --> 01:31:56,859 You wouldn't know a boundary if it hit you in the fucking face. 1534 01:31:57,250 --> 01:31:58,338 Okay. 1535 01:31:59,078 --> 01:32:01,559 Okay. We're-- we're-- we're done here. 1536 01:32:01,733 --> 01:32:04,388 -No, Priya, please. -This is what we're gonna do. 1537 01:32:04,562 --> 01:32:07,783 We are going to unlock this phone, 1538 01:32:07,957 --> 01:32:09,959 and we are going to delete this video. 1539 01:32:10,133 --> 01:32:11,351 [Nic] I don't-- 1540 01:32:11,961 --> 01:32:13,702 -I don't think we need to-- -Nic, listen to me. 1541 01:32:13,876 --> 01:32:17,183 Will you please unlock this phone? 1542 01:32:26,236 --> 01:32:27,585 -I'm sorry. -Okay. 1543 01:32:28,630 --> 01:32:29,892 It's deleted. 1544 01:32:30,545 --> 01:32:31,546 Yeah. 1545 01:32:33,504 --> 01:32:38,770 [melancholy music playing] 1546 01:32:39,641 --> 01:32:43,819 [both grunting] 1547 01:32:43,993 --> 01:32:45,037 [tearing] 1548 01:32:49,172 --> 01:32:54,220 ♪ 1549 01:33:12,978 --> 01:33:18,375 [birds chirping] 1550 01:33:18,549 --> 01:33:22,466 [door opens, closes] 1551 01:33:39,048 --> 01:33:41,006 -Listen... -[phone buzzing] 1552 01:33:44,662 --> 01:33:45,707 Hello? 1553 01:33:47,752 --> 01:33:49,449 Yeah, it is Priya. 1554 01:33:49,624 --> 01:33:51,060 Um, I know you've been trying to reach me, 1555 01:33:51,234 --> 01:33:52,931 but I actually don't wanna s-- 1556 01:33:54,019 --> 01:33:56,718 Oh. Um... Oh, okay. 1557 01:33:59,068 --> 01:34:01,331 Sounds good. That is a good option. 1558 01:34:02,201 --> 01:34:04,900 Um, yeah, I think we should go ahead and do that. 1559 01:34:07,163 --> 01:34:09,078 Next-- Thank you. That'd be great. 1560 01:34:09,252 --> 01:34:10,819 Okay, thank you so much. 1561 01:34:11,776 --> 01:34:12,821 Okay, bye. 1562 01:34:13,865 --> 01:34:14,910 Was that the home? 1563 01:34:17,869 --> 01:34:21,264 Turns out there is a single room that's available. 1564 01:34:22,091 --> 01:34:23,614 Waiting list was long, so. 1565 01:34:24,484 --> 01:34:27,226 He might as well be comfortable while I'm not visiting him. 1566 01:34:29,141 --> 01:34:31,535 I mean, he doesn't deserve it, but... 1567 01:34:32,579 --> 01:34:34,320 yeah, I guess let him be comfortable. 1568 01:34:36,409 --> 01:34:39,848 Oh, Nic. Who are we to say who deserves what? 1569 01:34:45,157 --> 01:34:46,202 Listen... 1570 01:34:47,725 --> 01:34:51,511 I feel like you've spent all weekend, like, 1571 01:34:52,469 --> 01:34:55,254 trying to find the worst shit that happened to me 1572 01:34:55,428 --> 01:34:58,475 so that you can link it to my modeling career and my sex life. 1573 01:34:58,649 --> 01:35:01,652 Like, you're-- you're trying to find the source of my defect, 1574 01:35:01,826 --> 01:35:02,914 but... 1575 01:35:04,089 --> 01:35:07,005 I don't know, I-- I don't really think that I'm defective. 1576 01:35:08,703 --> 01:35:10,574 And... for what it's worth, 1577 01:35:10,748 --> 01:35:12,794 I don't really think that you're defective either. 1578 01:35:15,361 --> 01:35:16,406 I just... 1579 01:35:17,799 --> 01:35:23,456 I hope you can detach that from what happened with your dad. 1580 01:35:24,240 --> 01:35:27,852 'Cause, I mean, you gotta allow yourself pleasure. 1581 01:35:29,071 --> 01:35:30,768 No matter what happened before. 1582 01:35:42,040 --> 01:35:43,128 Look, 1583 01:35:44,260 --> 01:35:47,393 I know that I've-- I've fucked this whole thing up, 1584 01:35:47,567 --> 01:35:48,830 and I'm-- 1585 01:35:50,005 --> 01:35:52,050 I'm really, hugely, 1586 01:35:53,399 --> 01:35:55,227 ridiculously sorry. 1587 01:36:00,711 --> 01:36:01,756 But... 1588 01:36:03,453 --> 01:36:05,455 I'm not really sorry about the other stuff. 1589 01:36:08,197 --> 01:36:09,633 And I hope you aren't either. 1590 01:36:14,464 --> 01:36:15,552 I, uh... 1591 01:36:16,771 --> 01:36:18,294 Even if our book doesn't happen-- 1592 01:36:18,468 --> 01:36:20,296 which I think would be a real shame-- 1593 01:36:20,470 --> 01:36:23,603 that other book that you keep not writing, 1594 01:36:23,778 --> 01:36:27,782 the-- the secretest of the secret shit one? 1595 01:36:29,261 --> 01:36:31,089 I think that would be a great book. 1596 01:36:37,487 --> 01:36:38,749 Thank you, Nic. 1597 01:36:39,576 --> 01:36:40,620 [Nic] I'd buy it. 1598 01:36:41,273 --> 01:36:43,188 [Priya] Yes, but would you read it? 1599 01:36:43,362 --> 01:36:44,755 [both chuckle] 1600 01:36:46,452 --> 01:36:47,671 Can't promise you on that. 1601 01:36:47,845 --> 01:36:48,890 [chuckles] 1602 01:36:51,153 --> 01:36:52,676 I don't know... 1603 01:36:53,633 --> 01:36:58,203 It's kind of freeing to see that you have your own shit, 1604 01:36:59,117 --> 01:37:00,553 just like everybody does. 1605 01:37:01,380 --> 01:37:02,904 You find that freeing? 1606 01:37:05,558 --> 01:37:06,908 I find it depressing. 1607 01:37:08,648 --> 01:37:12,827 -You look kind of depressed. -Yeah, my life's a fucking mess. 1608 01:37:15,830 --> 01:37:17,222 So your life's a mess. 1609 01:37:18,876 --> 01:37:19,921 So what? 1610 01:37:22,097 --> 01:37:26,449 Maybe it's not about going from being broken to being fixed. 1611 01:37:30,018 --> 01:37:31,628 Maybe it's about, like... 1612 01:37:33,717 --> 01:37:38,722 going from broken to being okay with-- with being broken. 1613 01:37:48,863 --> 01:37:51,561 Pretty astute for a bag boy from Peoria. 1614 01:37:52,649 --> 01:37:54,651 Metaphorical Peoria. 1615 01:38:00,178 --> 01:38:02,572 -I think I'm all talked out. -Me too. 1616 01:38:05,531 --> 01:38:08,491 You know what? I've got another idea. 1617 01:38:08,665 --> 01:38:11,624 Oh, Nic, no. I'm sorry, whatever you're thinking-- 1618 01:38:11,798 --> 01:38:13,452 I'm actually-- I'm not thinking at all, actually. 1619 01:38:13,626 --> 01:38:14,976 I think "Fuck thinking." 1620 01:38:15,150 --> 01:38:17,804 I think "Fuck thinking, fuck talking." 1621 01:38:17,979 --> 01:38:19,545 Come on. 1622 01:38:19,719 --> 01:38:20,938 ["Get to Know You" by Tomo Nakayama playing] 1623 01:38:21,112 --> 01:38:23,071 -Come on. -Oh, no. 1624 01:38:23,245 --> 01:38:26,552 You're the one who wants to live more in your body. 1625 01:38:27,814 --> 01:38:30,034 Come on, Priya. Remember how free 1626 01:38:30,208 --> 01:38:32,558 you used to feel on the dance floor? 1627 01:38:32,732 --> 01:38:36,084 ♪ 1628 01:38:36,258 --> 01:38:39,000 -You're missing out. -[Priya chuckles] 1629 01:38:44,005 --> 01:38:45,658 Come on, Priya! 1630 01:38:45,832 --> 01:38:49,271 Just... let go. 1631 01:38:52,274 --> 01:38:54,711 ♪ Just around the corner from you ♪ 1632 01:38:57,061 --> 01:38:58,802 ♪ Waiting 'round the bend ♪ 1633 01:38:58,976 --> 01:39:01,239 ♪ Tell me stories, tell me rhymes ♪ 1634 01:39:01,413 --> 01:39:03,938 ♪ Tell me anything you like ♪ 1635 01:39:04,112 --> 01:39:06,418 ♪ Tell me all about the good things ♪ 1636 01:39:06,592 --> 01:39:08,855 ♪ That could make you feel alive ♪ 1637 01:39:09,030 --> 01:39:11,336 ♪ Could be just one little spark ♪ 1638 01:39:11,510 --> 01:39:14,687 ♪ Just two strangers in the dark, honey ♪ 1639 01:39:14,861 --> 01:39:17,386 ♪ I'd like to get to know you ♪ 1640 01:39:17,560 --> 01:39:21,172 ♪ I'd like to get to know you now ♪ 1641 01:39:25,002 --> 01:39:27,178 ♪ You got me reeling ♪ 1642 01:39:27,352 --> 01:39:29,920 ♪ We could be out here dancin' ♪ 1643 01:39:30,094 --> 01:39:34,881 ♪ Shake out the feelin', see the way it goes ♪ 1644 01:39:35,056 --> 01:39:37,275 ♪ I could be dreamin' ♪ 1645 01:39:37,449 --> 01:39:42,280 ♪ We could be making something good out of nothing ♪ 1646 01:39:42,454 --> 01:39:44,630 ♪ Who can really know? ♪ 1647 01:39:44,804 --> 01:39:50,158 ♪ And I'm just around the corner from you ♪ 1648 01:39:50,332 --> 01:39:54,510 ♪ I'm waiting 'round the bend ♪ 1649 01:39:54,684 --> 01:40:00,037 ♪ And I'm just around the corner from you ♪ 1650 01:40:00,211 --> 01:40:04,433 ♪ I'm waiting 'round the bend ♪ 1651 01:40:04,607 --> 01:40:06,957 ♪ Tell me stories, tell me rhymes ♪ 1652 01:40:07,131 --> 01:40:09,568 ♪ Tell me anything you like ♪ 1653 01:40:09,742 --> 01:40:14,530 ♪ Tell me all about the hard times that you had to be alive ♪ 1654 01:40:14,704 --> 01:40:17,228 ♪ Could be just one little spark ♪ 1655 01:40:17,402 --> 01:40:20,623 ♪ Just two strangers in the dark, honey ♪ 1656 01:40:20,797 --> 01:40:23,017 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you ♪ 1657 01:40:23,191 --> 01:40:26,107 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you now ♪ 1658 01:40:26,281 --> 01:40:32,330 ♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪ 1659 01:40:32,504 --> 01:40:39,250 ♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪ 1660 01:40:39,424 --> 01:40:44,908 ♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪ 1661 01:40:45,082 --> 01:40:47,476 ♪ Tell me stories, tell me rhymes ♪ 1662 01:40:47,650 --> 01:40:50,000 ♪ Tell me anything you like ♪ 1663 01:40:50,174 --> 01:40:52,524 ♪ Tell me all about the good things ♪ 1664 01:40:52,698 --> 01:40:55,049 ♪ That could make you feel alive ♪ 1665 01:40:55,223 --> 01:40:57,573 ♪ Could be just one little spark ♪ 1666 01:40:57,747 --> 01:41:00,706 ♪ Just two strangers in the dark, honey ♪ 1667 01:41:00,880 --> 01:41:03,535 ♪ I'd like to get to know you ♪ 1668 01:41:03,709 --> 01:41:05,668 ♪ I'd like to get to know you now ♪ 1669 01:41:05,842 --> 01:41:07,670 ♪ Tell me stories, tell me rhymes ♪ 1670 01:41:07,844 --> 01:41:10,325 ♪ Tell me anything you like ♪ 1671 01:41:10,499 --> 01:41:15,025 ♪ Tell me all about the hard times that you had to be alive ♪ 1672 01:41:15,199 --> 01:41:17,723 ♪ Could be just one little spark ♪ 1673 01:41:17,897 --> 01:41:21,205 ♪ Just two strangers in the dark, honey ♪ 1674 01:41:21,379 --> 01:41:23,729 ♪ I'd like to get to know you ♪ 1675 01:41:23,903 --> 01:41:26,471 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you now ♪ 1676 01:41:26,645 --> 01:41:28,952 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you now ♪ 1677 01:41:29,126 --> 01:41:31,389 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you now ♪ 1678 01:41:31,563 --> 01:41:33,783 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you now ♪ 1679 01:41:33,957 --> 01:41:36,481 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you now ♪ 1680 01:41:36,655 --> 01:41:39,267 ♪ I'’d like to get to know you now ♪ 1681 01:41:39,441 --> 01:41:48,058 ♪