1
00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:23,111
Nic.
2
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:24,646
I'm sorry I'm so late.
3
00:02:24,779 --> 00:02:26,814
I wondered if anything
had happened to you.
4
00:02:26,948 --> 00:02:28,281
I overslept.
5
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:29,684
Look at you!
6
00:02:30,785 --> 00:02:32,787
Look at you.
7
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:38,258
Wow. Thank you
for dressing up for me.
8
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,260
Sorry, Aunt Priya.
9
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,730
Let's drop the "aunt"
for this weekend.
10
00:02:42,864 --> 00:02:44,164
You are my aunt, though.
11
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:46,266
Yes, I am, but by marriage.
12
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,603
That's important
for this conversation.
13
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:51,471
What have I gotten myself into?
14
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:54,307
I promise I will keep it
relatively painless.
15
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:55,710
Was that a pun?
16
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,178
-What was a pun?
-"Relatively" painless?
17
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:00,882
Oh, dear God. Unintended.
18
00:03:02,817 --> 00:03:04,786
- This outfit.
- I mean,
19
00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,555
I figured if we were gonna be
sittin' around all weekend,
20
00:03:07,689 --> 00:03:09,791
I might as well
stay comfortable.
21
00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:10,992
- Plus...
- Mm-hmm.
22
00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:12,292
You wanna know the best part?
23
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,563
-There's a flap in the butt.
-I mean, why-- why-- why?
24
00:03:15,697 --> 00:03:18,566
- Not interested.
- You're no fun.
25
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:20,802
You look great, though.
26
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,004
Did you get
all dolled up for me?
27
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:27,075
No, no, I had a-- Uh,
a faculty thing this morning.
28
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,442
It was online.
29
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:29,944
Meaning no one
was wearing pants?
30
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,479
Says the man in pajamas
with no underwear.
31
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,549
I don't remember telling you
32
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:36,483
that I wasn't wearing underwear,
33
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,886
but I guess if
that's what you picture.
34
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,589
Two minutes in
and you're already caught on
35
00:03:41,723 --> 00:03:44,324
your little tape thingy
being inappropriate.
36
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:46,661
You are recording this, right?
37
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:49,463
No, not yet. I'd tell you first.
38
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,165
Yeah,
I'm not rushing you at all.
39
00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:54,769
I just get kind of... antsy.
40
00:03:54,902 --> 00:04:00,440
But luckily Jasper let me
borrow his little magnets.
41
00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:02,476
We got them for his anxiety,
42
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,912
but honestly,
I use them more than he does.
43
00:04:05,046 --> 00:04:06,214
Oh, let me see.
44
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:09,016
Yeah, I've-- I've seen--
45
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,652
Yeah, no, get ahead of that.
That's good.
46
00:04:11,786 --> 00:04:13,654
I have these guys.
47
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:18,358
Oh, wow.
I've never seen these.
48
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:21,629
Wow, that is really soothing.
49
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,264
You can use them
for the weekend.
50
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:25,733
Thank you.
51
00:04:25,867 --> 00:04:27,602
How are the kids
and Kristen doing?
52
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:30,738
Well, uh, Kristen just stopped
traveling for work,
53
00:04:30,872 --> 00:04:32,405
so we're sort of adjusting to
54
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:34,242
being around each other
this much,
55
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:36,110
but the kids are so cute.
56
00:04:36,244 --> 00:04:37,444
Wanna see?
57
00:04:37,879 --> 00:04:39,312
Well, I mean,
between you and Kristen,
58
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,048
how could they not be gorgeous?
59
00:04:41,182 --> 00:04:42,415
Here they are.
60
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,585
-Cute times two.
-They are adorable.
61
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:45,720
- I know.
- Were they so sad
62
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,287
to lose you for the weekend?
63
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,524
Oh, my God.
Jasper burst into tears
64
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,358
every time
the trip was mentioned.
65
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:55,295
Jocelyn is a lot like her mom
and she only barely needs me.
66
00:04:55,897 --> 00:04:58,666
What about Uncle Aaron?
Or-- Sorry.
67
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,368
What about Aaron?
Where's the hubs?
68
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:04,038
- In, uh, London.
- Oh.
69
00:05:04,172 --> 00:05:05,438
He's been on a sabbatical
70
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:06,808
and periodically
comes back and forth,
71
00:05:06,941 --> 00:05:09,376
but, uh,
he's not here this weekend.
72
00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:16,818
Thank you.
73
00:05:16,951 --> 00:05:19,654
Anyway, thank you so much
for setting aside the time
74
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,022
and making the drive down.
75
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,790
I so appreciate it. My, uh--
76
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,827
my publisher called
and gave me a hard deadline
77
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,296
for this book of ours,
so I am really happy
78
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,298
to have your full attention.
79
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:33,167
Oh, you do. Just...
80
00:05:33,301 --> 00:05:35,736
Oh, your daughter
just texted me.
81
00:05:35,870 --> 00:05:37,370
I did tell her
I was seeing you today.
82
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:41,776
Uh, apparently
Laurel still has that--
83
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:45,847
that Nicki picture
that I gave her years ago.
84
00:05:45,980 --> 00:05:49,349
Quite a crush on her cousin,
the famous model.
85
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,853
Briefly famous. Anyhow.
86
00:05:51,986 --> 00:05:54,889
See how Laurel kissed me
where it counts?
87
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,456
Okay, that-- that--
88
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:58,826
You guys are blood cousins.
Can-- Yeah. Yeah.
89
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,428
Oh, shit. Sorry.
I'm just seeing all the texts
90
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,430
that you sent
when I was driving.
91
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,666
Okay, if that is Laurel,
I will tell her--
92
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,668
You can get it if you need to.
93
00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:16,344
It's just the home.
It's-- it's just my dad.
94
00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:18,179
Your dad's in the nursing home?
95
00:06:18,312 --> 00:06:19,981
Mm-hmm, yeah, he's been there
for a while since my mom died,
96
00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:22,550
but that is
a completely different topic.
97
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:25,953
-Sorry.
-Um, oh, no, no, totally fine.
98
00:06:26,087 --> 00:06:28,289
Um...
99
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:32,226
Nic, maybe we should turn our
phones off so we can all focus.
100
00:06:33,094 --> 00:06:35,329
You still only have
the weekend, right?
101
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:41,302
Yeah. I think I need to leave
by, like, 2:00 or 3:00 tomorrow?
102
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,871
I thought we had
all day tomorrow.
103
00:06:44,005 --> 00:06:48,075
No, I'm so sorry. I promised
I'd be back by bedtime.
104
00:06:48,209 --> 00:06:50,878
Okay. Well, why don't
we just get right to it then?
105
00:06:51,012 --> 00:06:59,887
Oh, my God. Your magnum opus,
The Abusive Patriarchy.
106
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,390
You're so sad
in the cover of this.
107
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,125
Do you remember what happened?
108
00:07:07,295 --> 00:07:11,431
Uh, yeah, I ruined what my dad
thought was a good photograph
109
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,834
with a sneeze...
110
00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:16,704
...so he spanked me right there
in front of the photographer,
111
00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:19,707
and that picture
was taken right after.
112
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,576
If you look really close,
113
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:25,146
you can see
the tear marks down my face.
114
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:27,682
Damn.
115
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,482
You say all that so casually.
116
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,985
Oh, I have worked through it.
117
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,787
It's all I've been
writing about for years.
118
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,756
I'm over it, everyone else
is clearly over it.
119
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:38,125
This is what's so exciting.
This book is all about you.
120
00:07:38,259 --> 00:07:40,094
Do you have any coffee?
121
00:07:43,264 --> 00:07:44,565
What?
122
00:07:44,699 --> 00:07:46,934
Yes, of course I have coffee,
123
00:07:47,068 --> 00:07:50,838
but Nic,
we really have to do this.
124
00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:54,575
Coffee and then we'll jump
right in. I promise.
125
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,979
Maybe a quick tour
of the place too?
126
00:07:58,112 --> 00:08:01,549
I mean,
these columns are incredible.
127
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,530
These are so fun.
128
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:17,999
Mm-hmm.
129
00:08:20,368 --> 00:08:22,169
Okay.
130
00:08:22,737 --> 00:08:24,005
You ready?
131
00:08:24,138 --> 00:08:28,075
-Uh, recording makes it so real.
-Mmm.
132
00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:30,077
Yeah.
133
00:08:31,212 --> 00:08:34,815
I promise you, Nic,
you are in a safe space.
134
00:08:36,050 --> 00:08:40,221
Okay. Um, I would like to start
off by giving you a compliment.
135
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,990
Everything should start
by giving me a compliment.
136
00:08:43,124 --> 00:08:44,358
Duly noted.
137
00:08:44,859 --> 00:08:49,230
I think it is incredible
what you represent as a model,
138
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:53,968
as Nicki, uh, so openly
owning your pansexuality.
139
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,604
Is that how you identify,
by the way, as pansexual?
140
00:08:57,038 --> 00:08:58,906
Yeah, I never really
liked defining it,
141
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:04,812
like, gay or straight or bi,
boys, girls, blah, blah, blah.
142
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:07,481
And I think a lot of young
people would say that today,
143
00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:13,721
but that wasn't part of the
vernacular back in 2012, right?
144
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,656
That's when you had
your big rush of fame.
145
00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:17,925
Yeah. Ish.
146
00:09:18,059 --> 00:09:19,660
And in your current career--
147
00:09:19,794 --> 00:09:22,396
I mean, if you can call
drawing porn a career.
148
00:09:22,531 --> 00:09:23,998
I can. And I do.
149
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:27,034
I think your cartoon work
is actually amazing.
150
00:09:27,168 --> 00:09:30,371
I think it pushes
against taboos.
151
00:09:30,505 --> 00:09:32,606
It's very feminist work for me.
152
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,475
-Wow. Well, thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
153
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,878
And your work has always
dealt with the sexual,
154
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:41,048
so why don't
we just begin there?
155
00:09:41,182 --> 00:09:44,885
Um, what are your
earliest sexual memories?
156
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:49,390
Hmm. Okay. Here we go, I guess.
157
00:09:49,524 --> 00:09:54,161
Uh, earliest sexual memories...
158
00:09:54,295 --> 00:09:57,731
Do you mean,
like, consensual ones?
159
00:09:58,499 --> 00:10:00,601
Are there non-consensual ones?
160
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,205
Yeah. Um...
161
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:06,474
Yeah, my earliest
sexual memories
162
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:11,278
were actually with these, uh,
these friends of my parents.
163
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,114
Um...
164
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,449
They would babysit me
165
00:10:15,584 --> 00:10:18,553
and we would, like,
take these baths together,
166
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,421
and we'd all be naked,
167
00:10:20,555 --> 00:10:24,325
and she would, like,
cradle me in her arms
168
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:27,596
and try to get me
to suck her breasts.
169
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:30,698
He'd, like, scrub us both down.
170
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:34,603
So, that was totally normal.
And...
171
00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:38,239
now it's on the record
forever, I guess.
172
00:10:38,372 --> 00:10:39,508
Uh...
173
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,275
I'm sorry that happened to you.
174
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:44,245
- I'm totally fine.
- Mmm.
175
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,984
Um, I mean, I'm sorry, those--
That's the kind of stuff
176
00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:52,153
that your parents should have
protected you from, right?
177
00:10:52,286 --> 00:10:54,088
- They didn't know.
- Mm-hmm.
178
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:58,459
I didn't tell them because
the couple said that if I did,
179
00:10:58,593 --> 00:11:00,529
I'd get in trouble, so.
180
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,496
Did you eventually tell them?
181
00:11:02,631 --> 00:11:05,699
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Much later.
182
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:08,769
I told my dad, um,
183
00:11:08,903 --> 00:11:10,505
but he kind of
just brushed it off
184
00:11:10,639 --> 00:11:13,240
so he wouldn't have
to take responsibility for it.
185
00:11:13,374 --> 00:11:17,778
You know Lewis. Not exactly
big on owning up to shit.
186
00:11:17,912 --> 00:11:20,014
-Runs in the family.
-Who, me?
187
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,383
No, no, no, not you.
Aaron. Your uncle Aaron.
188
00:11:22,517 --> 00:11:27,288
He is kind and calm,
but he's a very scholarly man
189
00:11:27,421 --> 00:11:31,425
who just doesn't believe in
investigating his own emotions.
190
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:34,563
Yeah. Kristen is
anti-emotion too.
191
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,498
She actually hates it
when I tell her I love her.
192
00:11:37,632 --> 00:11:42,770
Like, she gets visibly upset.
It's bizarre,
193
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,272
but...
194
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,309
That must be hard.
195
00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:50,778
I probably shouldn't talk
about Kristen, actually.
196
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,179
She'll kill me.
197
00:11:52,647 --> 00:11:54,415
We can circle back to her.
198
00:11:55,249 --> 00:11:56,317
Or not.
199
00:11:56,817 --> 00:12:02,691
Okay. Um, Nic, have you given
any thought to how this--
200
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:07,562
this kind of early experience
of yours has affected you
201
00:12:07,696 --> 00:12:09,230
on a formative level?
202
00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:11,799
Like, does it play into
your current sex life at all?
203
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:15,336
Um...
204
00:12:15,469 --> 00:12:17,404
what are you getting at?
205
00:12:17,539 --> 00:12:19,840
I'm not getting at anything.
206
00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:21,509
I'm just pursuing
a line of thought
207
00:12:21,643 --> 00:12:24,979
on how trauma can forge aspects
of a human personality
208
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,481
and demolish aspects
of a human personality.
209
00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:30,184
Oh, yeah? Mm-kay.
210
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:35,389
How did trauma demolish
your human personality?
211
00:12:35,523 --> 00:12:37,592
That seems obliterated.
212
00:12:37,726 --> 00:12:40,027
Okay. Let's just change
subjects for a while.
213
00:12:41,663 --> 00:12:44,231
Um, are you an avid masturbator?
214
00:12:44,365 --> 00:12:45,866
- Currently?
- Mm-hmm.
215
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:48,936
I mean, when you're
really good at something,
216
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,804
you do it as much as you can.
217
00:12:51,405 --> 00:12:54,041
Are-- are you really gonna put
something like that in the book?
218
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,177
Oh, I'm just trying to get a
complete picture of who you are.
219
00:12:57,311 --> 00:13:00,548
Your sexual history,
current sexual habits,
220
00:13:00,682 --> 00:13:02,316
nothing's off-limits.
221
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:06,253
Yeah. No, that makes sense.
How often do you masturbate?
222
00:13:07,288 --> 00:13:09,256
This book is not about me.
223
00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:10,659
I-- I know,
224
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:13,561
but I figure if I'm gonna be
laying it all out
225
00:13:13,695 --> 00:13:16,531
on the table for you,
you can at least reciprocate.
226
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,633
Nic, look at
that bookshelf over there.
227
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,636
You see it? My psyche
has been mined to death.
228
00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:23,103
There's nothing new there.
229
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:26,373
Priya, can we please make
this, like,
230
00:13:26,508 --> 00:13:30,578
more of a dialogue instead of
a stuffy interview, please?
231
00:13:30,712 --> 00:13:32,379
I'll be way more comfortable.
232
00:13:33,748 --> 00:13:37,786
Okay. Why don't I tell you about
when I lost my virginity?
233
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:42,557
- It's not really what I--
- Don't wanna hear it?
234
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,058
No, I do.
235
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,994
Okay, uh, it was my freshman
year of college
236
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,228
- Wow.
- And, um--
237
00:13:48,362 --> 00:13:49,863
You really held out.
238
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:53,033
Yeah. I wasn't exactly
fighting them off.
239
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:54,669
- Mmm.
- I used to wear
240
00:13:54,803 --> 00:13:56,937
only boys' clothes,
I wasn't on top of my grooming.
241
00:13:57,071 --> 00:13:59,940
All effects of the abuse,
I-- I later learned,
242
00:14:00,074 --> 00:14:02,777
but, um, I got
my act together in college
243
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,378
and met a guy called Chris.
244
00:14:04,512 --> 00:14:06,080
A couple of months in,
I decided,
245
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,749
"You know what,
it's time to lose my virginity."
246
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:12,019
And so we went back to his dorm
room one night, and...
247
00:14:14,823 --> 00:14:17,124
He had the most massive cock
I've ever seen to date.
248
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,993
-Serious?
-I am serious.
249
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:22,496
Like, I wanted to scream. Oh!
250
00:14:22,630 --> 00:14:25,265
It was so painful,
and-- and then I'm crying
251
00:14:25,399 --> 00:14:27,401
and I'm crying in pain
and he's--
252
00:14:27,535 --> 00:14:31,004
He just thinks it all,
like, cries of ecstasy.
253
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,475
So he just like,
poor Chris is just pumping away.
254
00:14:34,609 --> 00:14:37,645
Ugh!
Thankfully it did not last long.
255
00:14:37,779 --> 00:14:41,783
I'm sorry,
but-- but that's hilarious.
256
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:45,419
Um, you know, I would've thought
you already knew this story.
257
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,154
Why?
258
00:14:47,622 --> 00:14:50,924
'Cause I wrote about it
in two different books.
259
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:55,429
Books that you have
claimed to have read.
260
00:14:56,430 --> 00:15:00,401
I did read them.
Like, most of them.
261
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:03,070
The early ones, at least.
262
00:15:04,572 --> 00:15:05,840
You're not alone.
263
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,742
I-- I ran out
of personal revelations.
264
00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:10,978
I haven't really navigated any
meaningful territory in years.
265
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,680
So, I don't blame you.
266
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:14,716
That's why I'm so excited
to be writing this with you.
267
00:15:14,849 --> 00:15:17,151
But your books are still
super popular, right?
268
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:20,020
People still buy them
and stuff, right?
269
00:15:20,154 --> 00:15:22,891
Yeah. We'll see.
270
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:26,093
Anyway, um, why don't
you tell me
271
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:27,494
when you first discovered
272
00:15:27,629 --> 00:15:30,030
that you were attracted
to both sexes?
273
00:15:30,164 --> 00:15:31,131
Were you young?
274
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:32,700
Wait, both sexes?
275
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:35,202
Like, you mean
you think there are only two?
276
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:39,139
That's good. That's good.
Let me rephrase that.
277
00:15:39,273 --> 00:15:44,612
When did you start confronting
expected gender roles
278
00:15:44,746 --> 00:15:48,883
when it came to
who you were attracted to?
279
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,150
Did I catch it better?
280
00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:51,251
- Yeah.
- Okay.
281
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,187
Uh, I was pretty young.
282
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:58,292
I think I was in fifth grade
and I met this girl, Abby.
283
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:02,029
And I remember I thought
she was really pretty
284
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:05,265
and she asked me
if I would be her boyfriend.
285
00:16:05,466 --> 00:16:09,504
And I remember being, like,
kind of relieved
286
00:16:09,637 --> 00:16:13,741
that I was, like, just
pairing off boy-girl, you know?
287
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:17,110
And then
I met her brother, Ryan,
288
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:20,080
and I thought
he was really pretty too.
289
00:16:20,214 --> 00:16:24,251
And I remember asking Abby
if Ryan liked me
290
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,053
and she totally freaked out.
291
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,523
Which, in hindsight, I get
it's, like, kind of fucked up
292
00:16:28,656 --> 00:16:30,692
to ask your little fifth grade
girlfriend
293
00:16:30,825 --> 00:16:34,328
if someone else is into you,
especially if it's her brother,
294
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:38,398
um, but there was something
about the way that she reacted
295
00:16:38,533 --> 00:16:42,102
that made me feel
really gross for even asking.
296
00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,539
So, I kind of just, like,
297
00:16:44,672 --> 00:16:47,942
shelved that away
for a long time.
298
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:51,779
Um, if I was, like, into guys,
299
00:16:51,913 --> 00:16:58,285
I-- I didn't act on it or--
or date one until art school.
300
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:00,555
And I think a big part of that
301
00:17:00,688 --> 00:17:03,156
was that my dad
would have murdered me.
302
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,660
- He's homophobic?
- Oh, my God.
303
00:17:05,793 --> 00:17:07,629
Yeah. Big time.
304
00:17:07,762 --> 00:17:09,396
Wasn't he your manager?
305
00:17:09,531 --> 00:17:13,500
Yeah, but he never liked
the whole Nicki persona.
306
00:17:13,635 --> 00:17:15,737
He went along with it
for a long time
307
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:20,775
because it was his meal ticket,
but he never was very approving.
308
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,409
It's so funny.
309
00:17:22,544 --> 00:17:24,278
He's emailing me now
because he heard about this book
310
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,948
and he wants to manage
Nicki's comeback, so...
311
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,449
Mmm. What kind of comeback?
312
00:17:29,584 --> 00:17:32,020
The kind you wouldn't
approve of.
313
00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:35,289
Gigs that might pay me
some real money again.
314
00:17:37,759 --> 00:17:40,528
Okay. Um...
315
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:45,399
I've always wondered what
motivated your red carpet stunt.
316
00:17:45,533 --> 00:17:49,737
Oh, God. That was just kind of
a "fuck you" to the tabloids.
317
00:17:49,871 --> 00:17:52,105
Like, "Print this, bitch,"
you know?
318
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,542
Oh, no, no.
They indeed did print it.
319
00:17:54,676 --> 00:17:57,077
I think you made them
a lot of money, actually.
320
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,814
Well, I mean, it felt like
a "fuck you" in the moment.
321
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:01,816
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
322
00:18:02,784 --> 00:18:04,052
God.
323
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,085
Did you plan that in advance?
324
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,387
No. God, no, no, no.
325
00:18:07,522 --> 00:18:11,325
I was-- I was wearing that,
like, wrap thing,
326
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:14,161
and there's
something about, like,
327
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:21,268
all of this artifice around me,
and I just had the impulse.
328
00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:28,509
And boom, there I was, naked
in front of a bank of
paparazzi.
329
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,548
That's most people's--
330
00:18:33,681 --> 00:18:37,819
I mean,
at least my nightmare. You know?
331
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:42,690
How does a moment
like that feel?
332
00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:46,694
Honestly, like,
333
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:52,600
just standing there
in just my skin,
334
00:18:53,534 --> 00:18:57,304
like,
feeling the flash bulbs and...
335
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:03,410
I fucking loved it.
336
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:08,348
It just felt really good.
337
00:19:10,585 --> 00:19:15,657
I wonder whether the act
of getting naked for you
338
00:19:15,790 --> 00:19:21,062
comes easier than the labor
of connecting emotionally.
339
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:25,432
Like, it's some kind of, like,
shortcut to intimacy and love.
340
00:19:27,735 --> 00:19:31,438
Doesn't sound 100% off base.
341
00:19:31,572 --> 00:19:34,174
There may be some dare there,
I guess,
342
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,277
but it was
also that whole thing.
343
00:19:37,411 --> 00:19:39,580
It was kind of just fun.
344
00:19:40,014 --> 00:19:41,883
I'm gonna write that down. Fun.
345
00:19:42,016 --> 00:19:43,316
- Yeah.
- Okay.
346
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:45,953
Three letters. F-U-N. Yeah.
347
00:19:46,087 --> 00:19:48,488
I imagine a whole new
sexual world opened up
348
00:19:48,623 --> 00:19:51,993
-once you got famous.
-Massive understatement.
349
00:19:52,694 --> 00:19:54,562
I have to say, it was
pretty exciting to see you
350
00:19:54,696 --> 00:19:56,363
in all these magazines just...
351
00:19:56,496 --> 00:20:00,134
Just using your platform
so fiercely,
352
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:02,804
just-- just to talk about
your wide ranging sexuality.
353
00:20:02,937 --> 00:20:06,541
It was- it was--
it was electrifying.
354
00:20:06,908 --> 00:20:08,275
That's very sweet.
355
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:10,243
A lot of people
just thought I was a slut.
356
00:20:11,646 --> 00:20:13,447
But you owned it, right?
357
00:20:13,581 --> 00:20:15,382
I mean, I-- I think that's
what-- what I remember most.
358
00:20:15,516 --> 00:20:16,784
You just...
359
00:20:18,753 --> 00:20:24,324
It's so rare to see someone
who refuses to hide who they are
360
00:20:24,458 --> 00:20:27,829
and what they want
to suit the masses.
361
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,832
You make me sound like
pan Jesus.
362
00:20:30,965 --> 00:20:33,668
No, I just
want you to understand.
363
00:20:34,468 --> 00:20:35,703
I get it.
364
00:20:35,970 --> 00:20:40,641
I mean, I saw it as just
kind of performance art,
365
00:20:40,775 --> 00:20:43,077
but I know that it meant a lot
366
00:20:43,211 --> 00:20:46,714
- to actually a lot of people.
- Yeah.
367
00:20:46,848 --> 00:20:49,684
I think they'd never
really seen themselves
368
00:20:49,817 --> 00:20:51,686
-in the media.
-Hmm.
369
00:20:52,053 --> 00:20:54,454
You must have
changed the trajectory of
370
00:20:54,589 --> 00:20:55,923
so many people's lives just by
371
00:20:56,057 --> 00:20:58,659
the radical act of
being who you are.
372
00:20:58,793 --> 00:21:00,661
- Hmm.
- You know? And-- and I--
373
00:21:00,795 --> 00:21:03,330
and I would love for you
to get recognition for that.
374
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:06,801
I think this book
will help with that.
375
00:21:07,235 --> 00:21:09,237
From your questioning so far,
376
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:12,173
it sounds like this book is
just about me jerking off
377
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,307
and my dirty sex secrets.
378
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,343
Yeah, partially, but--
but it does tie into
379
00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:19,279
the cultural impact,
the-- the-- the exchange
380
00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:21,716
and interaction
you had with your fans,
381
00:21:21,849 --> 00:21:25,052
uh, your sexual exploitation,
your highs, your lows.
382
00:21:25,186 --> 00:21:26,453
Wait, what?
383
00:21:27,021 --> 00:21:28,288
What?
384
00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:32,593
I mean, exploitation is...
385
00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:35,530
Well, I-- I saw your career,
Nicki. I watched it.
386
00:21:35,663 --> 00:21:40,001
Are you trying to tell me
that you weren't exploited
387
00:21:40,134 --> 00:21:41,401
for your body or your sexuality?
388
00:21:41,536 --> 00:21:44,304
I mean,
that's just the business.
389
00:21:45,106 --> 00:21:49,442
You kind of make it sound like
I'm some kind of, like, victim.
390
00:21:49,577 --> 00:21:51,512
No, not a victim. Survivor.
391
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:55,016
Okay, that's not really better.
392
00:22:05,226 --> 00:22:06,727
Nic, we have so little time.
393
00:22:06,861 --> 00:22:08,328
Why don't we not try
and fit this into
394
00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:11,132
any sort of narrative yet, okay?
395
00:22:11,599 --> 00:22:13,835
Why don't we just
finish the interview
396
00:22:13,968 --> 00:22:17,004
and then we'll
find the form later on.
397
00:22:17,638 --> 00:22:19,073
Does that sound good?
398
00:22:25,313 --> 00:22:27,414
Okay. All right.
399
00:22:28,883 --> 00:22:31,652
Um, okay. I wanted to ask you--
400
00:22:31,786 --> 00:22:34,387
Do you remember
my cousin Jack's wedding?
401
00:22:34,522 --> 00:22:37,158
-Uh...
-I was 19.
402
00:22:37,792 --> 00:22:39,627
You and I danced all night
403
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,931
and Aunt Eileen thought
we were both on drugs.
404
00:22:44,065 --> 00:22:45,432
Sounds familiar.
405
00:22:45,566 --> 00:22:47,168
I had a reputation
for dancing up a storm
406
00:22:47,301 --> 00:22:48,769
at weddings when I was young.
407
00:22:53,841 --> 00:22:55,408
You don't remember anything
else
408
00:22:55,543 --> 00:22:56,911
that happened at the wedding?
409
00:23:02,449 --> 00:23:03,751
No.
410
00:23:05,152 --> 00:23:06,419
Why?
411
00:23:08,789 --> 00:23:10,524
I'm just curious.
412
00:23:11,158 --> 00:23:19,166
I was just thinking about
victims and survivors...
413
00:23:25,006 --> 00:23:29,944
Okay, Nic,
I wanna ask you how, um,
414
00:23:30,077 --> 00:23:35,383
how present was consent
in those circles?
415
00:23:35,883 --> 00:23:37,518
Did anyone force
themselves on you?
416
00:23:37,652 --> 00:23:38,986
Did you force yourself
on anyone?
417
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,989
Are you asking me
if I ever raped someone?
418
00:23:42,489 --> 00:23:46,160
No, no, not necessarily
just if...
419
00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:48,796
someone coerced you
or you coerced someone--
420
00:23:48,930 --> 00:23:50,831
Fucking seriously, Priya?
421
00:23:50,965 --> 00:23:53,034
Look, Nic.
422
00:23:53,167 --> 00:23:56,203
I think it's important
to ride the nerve endings
423
00:23:56,337 --> 00:23:58,005
of sex and trauma
424
00:23:58,139 --> 00:24:00,741
instead of pretending like these
things don't exist
425
00:24:00,875 --> 00:24:02,475
or these things don't affect us
426
00:24:02,610 --> 00:24:05,012
and the process
can be uncomfortable at times.
427
00:24:05,146 --> 00:24:09,150
It is-- it is the process,
this is what it looks like.
428
00:24:14,922 --> 00:24:17,191
I think I need to eat something.
429
00:24:20,094 --> 00:24:21,729
Uh, okay.
430
00:24:21,862 --> 00:24:23,764
Do you want me to look into
ordering or something, or...
431
00:24:23,898 --> 00:24:25,599
Uh, yeah, fine.
432
00:24:25,733 --> 00:24:28,736
Let me just see what's
in your fridge first.
433
00:25:15,116 --> 00:25:18,686
You know, Nic, I've been
doing this for so many years
434
00:25:18,819 --> 00:25:24,925
that I probably have become
inured to the pain
435
00:25:25,059 --> 00:25:28,195
or maybe I don't realize that
everyone else's pain tolerance
436
00:25:28,329 --> 00:25:32,199
is not as high as mine,
so I apologize for...
437
00:25:33,601 --> 00:25:36,003
coming off too strong, or...
438
00:25:36,137 --> 00:25:39,540
I certainly did not mean
to re-traumatize you, or...
439
00:25:40,408 --> 00:25:41,442
That's okay.
440
00:25:41,942 --> 00:25:45,146
Sometimes I, like,
get in my head
441
00:25:45,279 --> 00:25:48,182
and kind of spin out, and I've
been through it with Jasper,
442
00:25:48,315 --> 00:25:51,252
so I know how annoying
it can be.
443
00:25:51,652 --> 00:25:53,721
Are they thinking
ADHD for Jasper?
444
00:25:53,854 --> 00:25:55,289
-They sure are.
-Mmm.
445
00:25:55,856 --> 00:25:58,959
And I-- I wanna help him
have more control than I do,
446
00:25:59,093 --> 00:26:03,297
and I wanna handle his outbursts
better than my dad handled mine,
447
00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:05,833
but it can be
so fucking hard, you know?
448
00:26:05,966 --> 00:26:09,336
Like the blind leading
the blind sometimes.
449
00:26:10,971 --> 00:26:12,306
I'm sure you're a good dad.
450
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,843
And thank God we all
don't become my parents.
451
00:26:16,511 --> 00:26:17,912
I don't know, Priya.
452
00:26:18,379 --> 00:26:21,682
Sometimes I feel like
you're ready to spank me.
453
00:26:26,754 --> 00:26:28,789
- Why'd you do that?
- Do what?
454
00:26:29,323 --> 00:26:32,893
Flirt to maneuver out
of uncomfortable situations.
455
00:26:33,027 --> 00:26:37,998
Oh, my God. Lighten up, Priya.
I was just having fun.
456
00:26:44,171 --> 00:26:47,775
So, I've been
thinking about titles.
457
00:26:47,908 --> 00:26:49,110
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
458
00:26:49,243 --> 00:26:51,312
-Me, too.
-Oh, yeah? Go first.
459
00:26:51,946 --> 00:26:54,081
The Nicki of Time.
460
00:26:55,783 --> 00:26:57,051
Right?
461
00:26:59,186 --> 00:27:03,390
Mine is, um,
Nicki: A Pansexual
(R)Evolution,
462
00:27:03,525 --> 00:27:05,292
with parentheses around the "R."
463
00:27:05,426 --> 00:27:07,228
Oh, my God.
You and your parentheses.
464
00:27:07,361 --> 00:27:09,130
I mean, do I even
get a say in this?
465
00:27:09,263 --> 00:27:11,499
You know what, neither of us do.
The publisher titles it.
466
00:27:11,999 --> 00:27:14,335
Yeah, but they want,
like, a Nicki bio, right?
467
00:27:14,468 --> 00:27:15,769
Yeah, yeah.
468
00:27:15,903 --> 00:27:17,371
Biography-cum-cultural
intervention.
469
00:27:17,506 --> 00:27:18,906
Cum what?
470
00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:21,075
A cultural intervention.
Like how you--
471
00:27:21,208 --> 00:27:24,278
Oh, my God,
whatever the fuck that is.
472
00:27:26,581 --> 00:27:30,217
You know, sometimes you really
do remind me of your dad.
473
00:27:32,319 --> 00:27:33,754
That's rich.
474
00:27:33,888 --> 00:27:36,690
That's really
how to get on my good side,
475
00:27:36,824 --> 00:27:38,325
comparing me to Lewis.
476
00:27:38,459 --> 00:27:39,594
I'm not trying
to get on your good side.
477
00:27:39,727 --> 00:27:41,095
You should be.
478
00:27:42,096 --> 00:27:45,432
-Why should I be?
-Because you pissed me off.
479
00:27:47,835 --> 00:27:49,970
So let me just
set the scenario for you.
480
00:27:50,104 --> 00:27:51,805
You wanted to do this.
481
00:27:51,939 --> 00:27:54,643
We've been talking about it
for over six months.
482
00:27:54,775 --> 00:27:58,812
I have rejigged my schedule up
and down to accommodate you.
483
00:27:58,946 --> 00:28:01,849
You have canceled on me
on three different weekends.
484
00:28:01,982 --> 00:28:04,985
I have drawn up
an agreement for you,
485
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:06,754
an agreement that you signed.
486
00:28:06,887 --> 00:28:08,923
I didn't read that.
487
00:28:09,757 --> 00:28:11,025
Are you kidding?
488
00:28:13,194 --> 00:28:16,931
What? You sent me 15 pages
of legal bullshit
489
00:28:17,064 --> 00:28:18,465
and you expect me
to read it all?
490
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,135
I don't have a lawyer
on staff anymore, Priya.
491
00:28:21,802 --> 00:28:23,904
If you wanna talk
about exploitation,
492
00:28:24,038 --> 00:28:25,540
we can have that conversation.
493
00:28:25,674 --> 00:28:27,676
Excuse me, are you accusing me
of exploiting you?
494
00:28:27,808 --> 00:28:29,877
Yeah, I kinda am.
495
00:28:46,327 --> 00:28:47,428
Nic...
496
00:28:49,763 --> 00:28:52,333
I am not trying to exploit you.
497
00:28:52,567 --> 00:28:57,037
I promise you that. I think
this book is really important.
498
00:28:57,271 --> 00:28:59,006
I think working together,
499
00:28:59,139 --> 00:29:01,742
we can actually deepen
the understanding of gender
500
00:29:01,875 --> 00:29:05,079
and sexuality, and yes,
sexual exploitation
501
00:29:05,212 --> 00:29:06,847
by delving into your history.
502
00:29:06,981 --> 00:29:09,984
-Which is my story. Mine.
-It is your story.
503
00:29:10,117 --> 00:29:11,586
Of course, it is your story,
504
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,221
but if you're not willing
to trust me with it,
505
00:29:14,355 --> 00:29:16,857
I don't know
what the fuck you're doing here.
506
00:29:17,525 --> 00:29:18,792
Whoa.
507
00:29:20,828 --> 00:29:23,197
Okay. Um...
508
00:29:26,300 --> 00:29:28,002
My chicken nuggets
are a little cold,
509
00:29:28,135 --> 00:29:30,304
so I'm gonna heat those up.
510
00:29:30,437 --> 00:29:34,341
Let you cool off
a little bit. Jesus.
511
00:29:40,848 --> 00:29:42,149
You know what?
512
00:29:43,217 --> 00:29:45,687
If you want trust here,
513
00:29:45,819 --> 00:29:46,954
there's got
to be a give and take.
514
00:29:47,087 --> 00:29:49,290
I cannot go through this again.
515
00:29:50,157 --> 00:29:51,925
All my darker secrets
are published.
516
00:29:52,059 --> 00:29:55,229
Priya, we both know
that's not true.
517
00:29:59,466 --> 00:30:03,037
Look, if you agree to stop
rehashing
518
00:30:03,170 --> 00:30:06,040
all your published bullshit,
519
00:30:06,907 --> 00:30:08,743
I'll talk about Kristen
520
00:30:09,376 --> 00:30:11,579
and we can put that
in the book, okay?
521
00:30:15,349 --> 00:30:16,417
Okay.
522
00:30:17,351 --> 00:30:18,185
Yeah?
523
00:30:18,319 --> 00:30:20,789
Whatever, I'm an open book.
524
00:30:21,523 --> 00:30:22,489
-Great.
-Yeah.
525
00:30:22,624 --> 00:30:24,559
Cool. Great.
526
00:30:26,327 --> 00:30:29,296
And how about
for our afternoon session,
527
00:30:29,430 --> 00:30:33,033
we break out
some adult beverages.
528
00:30:34,101 --> 00:30:35,402
Trying to get me drunk?
529
00:30:35,537 --> 00:30:39,907
Mmm. Yeah.
So that I can ravage you,
530
00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,109
unadmitted rapist that I am.
531
00:30:42,242 --> 00:30:45,012
Pretend you didn't say that.
532
00:30:46,146 --> 00:30:49,116
Okay. I'm gonna get us
some drinks
533
00:30:49,249 --> 00:30:51,919
and I'm gonna set us up
on the patio, okay?
534
00:30:52,353 --> 00:30:56,357
Let's make this actually fun.
Please?
535
00:31:03,964 --> 00:31:05,533
Voilà.
536
00:31:07,334 --> 00:31:10,638
-Nicki...
-Oh, yours was way worse.
537
00:31:11,305 --> 00:31:14,341
I'm gonna change and then
let's get out on the patio.
538
00:31:14,475 --> 00:31:17,211
I'm gonna sweat my nuts
off in this thing.
539
00:31:39,333 --> 00:31:40,869
You really took your sweet time.
540
00:31:41,001 --> 00:31:43,237
I was texting Uncle Aaron.
541
00:31:43,370 --> 00:31:46,574
-On the toilet?
-What? No. This is on.
542
00:31:46,708 --> 00:31:50,545
I text on the pot all the time.
Gives me something to do.
543
00:31:50,678 --> 00:31:52,346
TMI, Nic.
544
00:31:52,479 --> 00:31:55,315
You just said that I wasn't
giving you enough information
545
00:31:55,449 --> 00:31:58,419
and now my bathroom habits
are TMI?
546
00:31:59,086 --> 00:32:02,389
What exactly do you want
from me, madame?
547
00:32:04,491 --> 00:32:06,895
You think I'm adorable.
Admit it!
548
00:32:07,027 --> 00:32:08,462
I think you're incorrigible.
549
00:32:09,062 --> 00:32:11,900
But I actually think it's
gonna be good for the book.
550
00:32:12,199 --> 00:32:16,303
Like your truthfulness
and brashness. It's all...
551
00:32:18,372 --> 00:32:21,041
I mean, my own work
has gotten so theoretical.
552
00:32:21,375 --> 00:32:26,246
I just,
this feels like something new
553
00:32:26,380 --> 00:32:29,450
or maybe it's just,
I don't know, return to form.
554
00:32:31,351 --> 00:32:32,654
- So, I--
- So, what I was gonna--
555
00:32:32,787 --> 00:32:35,723
Oh, oh. Jinx. You go.
556
00:32:36,490 --> 00:32:39,561
I was just going to say
that I am just surprised
557
00:32:39,694 --> 00:32:42,429
that you are at all reticent
to talk about sex,
558
00:32:42,564 --> 00:32:44,699
considering the fact
that you are the one person
559
00:32:44,833 --> 00:32:47,367
I consider to have no hangups.
560
00:32:47,635 --> 00:32:51,004
I mean, it's sex.
Everyone has hangups, right?
561
00:32:51,138 --> 00:32:53,040
Even a big ol' slut like me.
562
00:32:53,173 --> 00:32:54,943
And I use that term endearingly,
563
00:32:55,075 --> 00:32:58,613
by the way,
I'm very slut-positive.
564
00:32:58,746 --> 00:33:02,349
Okay. So, how do you feel
about your cock?
565
00:33:02,917 --> 00:33:04,552
-My cock?
-Mm-hmm.
566
00:33:05,052 --> 00:33:06,119
I'm a fan.
567
00:33:06,721 --> 00:33:09,356
I'm sure you've seen
the pictures online.
568
00:33:09,791 --> 00:33:13,260
Me and Reba are tight. We've had
some real adventures together.
569
00:33:13,393 --> 00:33:15,362
- Did you say Reba?
- Uh-huh.
570
00:33:15,496 --> 00:33:18,365
She's the fancy gal
in my trousers.
571
00:33:19,266 --> 00:33:22,770
All right,
so you're all good with Reba?
572
00:33:22,904 --> 00:33:24,404
That's so refreshing.
573
00:33:24,539 --> 00:33:28,877
So, do you have any
insecurities? Sexually, I mean?
574
00:33:29,009 --> 00:33:31,613
I mean, I'm not really
the kind of guy who sits around
575
00:33:31,746 --> 00:33:34,314
thinking about
sexual insecurities, you know?
576
00:33:34,448 --> 00:33:36,216
I'm a fucking porn cartoonist.
577
00:33:36,518 --> 00:33:38,686
Literally the only thing
I'm good at
578
00:33:38,820 --> 00:33:40,622
is drawing cocks and cunts.
579
00:33:42,456 --> 00:33:45,225
That's not true.
You're good at being a model.
580
00:33:45,693 --> 00:33:48,428
- Well, thanks.
- Do you still model?
581
00:33:48,563 --> 00:33:51,498
I do, like, commercial work
from time to time,
582
00:33:51,633 --> 00:33:53,801
and I have some friends
who are painters
583
00:33:53,935 --> 00:33:55,670
and I'll sit for them
when they need me to,
584
00:33:55,803 --> 00:33:56,871
stuff like that.
585
00:33:57,739 --> 00:34:00,407
- Do you pose nude?
- Of course.
586
00:34:00,542 --> 00:34:01,709
- Of course?
- Yeah.
587
00:34:01,843 --> 00:34:03,343
Of course.
588
00:34:03,477 --> 00:34:05,647
See, there's this--
this body confidence just...
589
00:34:06,648 --> 00:34:08,081
amazes me.
590
00:34:08,215 --> 00:34:10,150
It's probably my greatest asset.
591
00:34:10,284 --> 00:34:13,955
Okay, so is--
is your greatest asset your body
592
00:34:14,488 --> 00:34:17,992
or is it the willingness
to show it off in public?
593
00:34:18,526 --> 00:34:20,028
- Both?
- Uh-huh.
594
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:21,529
- I guess.
- Uh-huh.
595
00:34:21,663 --> 00:34:24,097
I mean, it's certainly
not my fine wit
596
00:34:24,231 --> 00:34:29,303
or my ability to pontificate
on the finer points of Prowst.
597
00:34:32,574 --> 00:34:33,675
Proust.
598
00:34:34,976 --> 00:34:38,111
Proust. Exactly.
599
00:34:41,683 --> 00:34:45,118
You don't see yourself
as more than just a body
600
00:34:45,252 --> 00:34:47,354
when you're moving
through the world?
601
00:34:47,889 --> 00:34:50,692
Um, no.
602
00:34:50,825 --> 00:34:54,963
I'm, yeah,
I'm more than just a body.
603
00:34:55,095 --> 00:34:59,466
Um, it's hard to explain,'cause
you're, like, the opposite?
604
00:34:59,601 --> 00:35:03,571
Like, I mean, you know, you have
obviously an amazing body,
605
00:35:03,705 --> 00:35:07,307
but you give so much
to the world,
606
00:35:07,441 --> 00:35:11,713
and, like, get its-- its
reaction through your thoughts
607
00:35:11,846 --> 00:35:16,316
and your writing,
and I-- I-- I just, I don't.
608
00:35:16,450 --> 00:35:17,852
Like, at this point in my life,
609
00:35:17,986 --> 00:35:22,023
my greatest intellectual
achievement is, like,
610
00:35:22,155 --> 00:35:23,791
giving someone a brief chuckle
611
00:35:23,925 --> 00:35:26,159
while they scroll through a porn
site looking for pussy pics.
612
00:35:26,293 --> 00:35:28,796
You know? But when I get naked,
613
00:35:28,930 --> 00:35:31,532
I feel like, I don't know,
614
00:35:31,666 --> 00:35:36,169
I can make people
be even more confident
615
00:35:36,303 --> 00:35:38,539
in their own bodies, you know?
616
00:35:38,673 --> 00:35:41,876
And with the posing stuff
for my friends,
617
00:35:42,010 --> 00:35:45,680
it's, I don't know,
I can contribute to great or--
618
00:35:46,781 --> 00:35:49,117
I mean,
at least semi-interesting art?
619
00:35:49,249 --> 00:35:51,586
And turn people on.
620
00:35:52,987 --> 00:35:54,454
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
621
00:35:54,822 --> 00:35:56,557
That can be part of it.
622
00:36:03,931 --> 00:36:06,934
Yeah, I think
we might be opposite.
623
00:36:08,536 --> 00:36:10,705
I'd like some of that, you know.
624
00:36:12,472 --> 00:36:18,445
My most profound experiences
happen internally.
625
00:36:19,147 --> 00:36:20,615
Meaning like what?
626
00:36:20,748 --> 00:36:24,686
Like, the endless cogitating
and, y-- you know,
627
00:36:24,819 --> 00:36:26,587
it used to be
such a blessing with Aaron
628
00:36:26,721 --> 00:36:29,456
because both of us would
just perish into our works.
629
00:36:29,590 --> 00:36:32,827
Our marriage
is so low-drama, but...
630
00:36:35,763 --> 00:36:36,798
But what?
631
00:36:37,865 --> 00:36:39,834
I don't know,
maybe that's the problem,
632
00:36:39,967 --> 00:36:41,435
-you know?
-Mmm.
633
00:36:41,569 --> 00:36:45,338
We're isolated. We're far apart.
634
00:36:45,472 --> 00:36:47,608
-We're-- we're so independent.
-Mmm.
635
00:36:48,208 --> 00:36:54,615
Just recently... I've just
been wanting more, you know?
636
00:36:55,482 --> 00:36:59,787
Mmm, yeah, I completely relate.
637
00:37:01,055 --> 00:37:02,422
Yeah, but the difference is
638
00:37:02,557 --> 00:37:03,791
you're living
fully in the world, right?
639
00:37:03,925 --> 00:37:06,426
Like, that's why
I wanna write this book.
640
00:37:06,561 --> 00:37:09,731
You're always living in
and engaging with the world.
641
00:37:10,598 --> 00:37:13,534
That is magnetic.
642
00:37:14,936 --> 00:37:16,003
Thank you.
643
00:37:16,369 --> 00:37:18,238
That's literally
the nicest thing
644
00:37:18,371 --> 00:37:20,108
anyone has ever said about me.
645
00:37:21,709 --> 00:37:23,443
But it's so funny
hearing you say that
646
00:37:23,578 --> 00:37:27,347
because it almost sounds
or feels like
647
00:37:27,481 --> 00:37:29,083
you're talking about
someone else.
648
00:37:29,217 --> 00:37:31,586
It's like, a lot of the time
649
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:34,622
it feels like I'm, like,
I'm in this dark room
650
00:37:34,756 --> 00:37:38,425
watching my body go on
these adventures apart from me.
651
00:37:38,559 --> 00:37:43,363
It's like my body is
this romance novel hero,
652
00:37:43,698 --> 00:37:46,433
but my brain is this...
653
00:37:47,101 --> 00:37:51,806
bag boy from Peoria.
654
00:37:53,808 --> 00:37:57,277
Metaphorical Peoria.
Does that make sense?
655
00:37:59,279 --> 00:38:00,347
Are you high?
656
00:38:00,648 --> 00:38:02,517
I am a little high.
657
00:38:03,117 --> 00:38:05,686
Mm-hmm. Yep.
658
00:38:05,820 --> 00:38:09,223
Are you too high to have
a meaningful conversation?
659
00:38:09,356 --> 00:38:12,492
Have you never been high before?
660
00:38:13,227 --> 00:38:14,729
It makes me sleepy.
661
00:38:14,862 --> 00:38:20,300
Oh, really? It makes me relaxed
and deep and thoughtful.
662
00:38:20,535 --> 00:38:23,504
- Okay, well, that's good.
- Uh-huh.
663
00:38:23,805 --> 00:38:26,373
Just don't try
to take advantage of me.
664
00:38:31,546 --> 00:38:33,480
Do you know what I really want?
665
00:38:35,516 --> 00:38:37,718
I wanna be famous again.
666
00:38:38,753 --> 00:38:41,222
That was the best part
about the whole Nicki thing,
667
00:38:41,388 --> 00:38:44,424
was I felt like I was
actually good at something
668
00:38:44,559 --> 00:38:47,728
and-- and then
I got paid for it.
669
00:38:49,764 --> 00:38:54,035
I always wondered why you cut
that Nicki thing so short
670
00:38:54,168 --> 00:38:57,939
and why it just
mysteriously disappeared.
671
00:38:58,673 --> 00:39:00,708
I wanna be rich again, too.
672
00:39:02,143 --> 00:39:05,546
Like, really fucking rich.
673
00:39:07,281 --> 00:39:09,183
You know, my dad and I actually,
674
00:39:09,317 --> 00:39:11,686
we have this whole
TV pitch planned
675
00:39:11,819 --> 00:39:14,622
for when our book
becomes a big hit, so.
676
00:39:17,825 --> 00:39:21,028
Um, did I tell you
that Kristen lost her job?
677
00:39:22,630 --> 00:39:25,867
Yeah, we're actually, um...
678
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:31,639
We're pretty severely fucked
679
00:39:31,772 --> 00:39:35,442
if I-- if I don't start
making some money.
680
00:39:36,677 --> 00:39:39,714
I mean,
I shouldn't be worried about,
681
00:39:39,847 --> 00:39:42,950
like, traditional gender roles
and shit,
682
00:39:43,084 --> 00:39:44,451
but there's something
683
00:39:44,585 --> 00:39:47,188
about not being able
to provide for my family
684
00:39:47,321 --> 00:39:49,557
that's actually so emasculating.
685
00:39:51,391 --> 00:39:54,128
I don't know, it almost
feels like we're playing house
686
00:39:54,862 --> 00:39:58,766
and she's gonna realize
that playtime's over
687
00:39:58,900 --> 00:40:02,103
and she's gonna pack up her toys
and go back home.
688
00:40:02,236 --> 00:40:03,537
Mmm.
689
00:40:07,308 --> 00:40:09,043
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
690
00:40:09,911 --> 00:40:13,881
I told you I would
talk about me and Kristen.
691
00:40:15,415 --> 00:40:16,751
Now let's make this book
692
00:40:16,884 --> 00:40:22,657
a fucking biography-cum-cultural
revolution
693
00:40:22,790 --> 00:40:26,027
so I don't have to deal
with the other stuff, please.
694
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:07,500
I found your scotch.
695
00:41:07,635 --> 00:41:11,539
Hmm. Drunk and high. Okay.
696
00:41:13,207 --> 00:41:16,476
Just enough to make me
an open book, I promise.
697
00:41:17,845 --> 00:41:19,647
-Back to it?
-Yep.
698
00:41:26,220 --> 00:41:30,925
I've always wondered how Kristen
feels about your pansexuality?
699
00:41:31,058 --> 00:41:34,228
Mmm, I mean,
she's a lot like me.
700
00:41:34,362 --> 00:41:37,732
She's tried everything under
the sun except settling down.
701
00:41:38,265 --> 00:41:41,569
And how come
you wanted to try that?
702
00:41:41,936 --> 00:41:43,938
Uh, 'cause I got her pregnant.
703
00:41:45,439 --> 00:41:47,408
Um, yeah, our relationship
was always, like,
704
00:41:47,541 --> 00:41:54,582
super boundary-less and open
and fun and then, you know,
705
00:41:55,249 --> 00:41:58,152
when she was with child,
706
00:41:58,285 --> 00:42:01,155
um, and we had
to make that decision,
707
00:42:01,288 --> 00:42:03,524
we kind of thought
that the most transgressive
708
00:42:03,657 --> 00:42:05,426
and radical thing
that we could do
709
00:42:05,559 --> 00:42:07,094
would be the most traditional.
710
00:42:07,228 --> 00:42:10,264
See, I always thought you would
settle down with a man.
711
00:42:10,398 --> 00:42:11,665
Why?
712
00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:16,137
I don't know, I just assumed--
713
00:42:16,270 --> 00:42:20,074
That I was really just gay
and that dating other genders
714
00:42:20,207 --> 00:42:22,076
was my way
of not dealing with it?
715
00:42:22,209 --> 00:42:26,347
No, there was a point in time
I thought you were transgender.
716
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:27,481
-Oh.
-Mm-hmm.
717
00:42:27,615 --> 00:42:29,417
Yeah, I mean, I get that,
718
00:42:29,550 --> 00:42:32,286
but no, that was never
really part of my journey.
719
00:42:32,420 --> 00:42:35,890
Um, you're probably the only
person in my family, though,
720
00:42:36,023 --> 00:42:38,192
who would have been okay
with that, so thank you.
721
00:42:38,759 --> 00:42:40,361
I appreciate that.
722
00:42:40,494 --> 00:42:43,664
I always felt that you and I
had more in common than--
723
00:42:43,798 --> 00:42:46,167
than any other
two members of that family.
724
00:42:46,300 --> 00:42:49,336
Absolutely. You don't have
an NRA bumper sticker.
725
00:42:50,871 --> 00:42:53,207
But still, there's so much--
726
00:42:53,340 --> 00:42:56,077
Like, there feels like a--
a chasm still.
727
00:42:56,210 --> 00:42:58,746
Like,
stuff that about you I can't...
728
00:42:58,879 --> 00:43:02,349
Um, for example, like, I always
wanna ask you about pan,
729
00:43:02,483 --> 00:43:08,823
the-- the "all" aspect
of your sexuality, you know?
730
00:43:09,890 --> 00:43:12,660
I think I hit up against
that because of my upbringing,
731
00:43:12,793 --> 00:43:14,962
and even though I spent
so much time studying it
732
00:43:15,096 --> 00:43:17,765
and especially preparing for
this conversation,
733
00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:20,901
I guess...
734
00:43:23,003 --> 00:43:27,775
Do different people have
a different pull on you?
735
00:43:27,908 --> 00:43:30,211
Women, men, non-binary?
736
00:43:30,344 --> 00:43:34,181
Um, I've always been
more attracted to
737
00:43:34,315 --> 00:43:37,284
the spirit of the person
than the gender.
738
00:43:38,119 --> 00:43:39,620
-You know?
-Yeah, I just don't buy it,
739
00:43:39,753 --> 00:43:41,355
-I'm sorry.
-What don't you buy?
740
00:43:41,489 --> 00:43:44,358
I guess this whole, like, spirit
thing. This whole, like...
741
00:43:44,492 --> 00:43:48,129
Are you saying that
it feels too, like, woo-woo?
742
00:43:49,396 --> 00:43:51,031
- Yeah.
- Okay.
743
00:43:51,165 --> 00:43:53,535
Let me try and think
of concrete examples.
744
00:43:53,667 --> 00:43:55,136
-Would that be helpful?
-Mm-hmm.
745
00:43:55,269 --> 00:43:58,973
Okay, when I was in art school
before I went,
746
00:43:59,106 --> 00:44:01,610
I thought for sure
that I was gay, you know?
747
00:44:01,742 --> 00:44:07,582
Like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay,
dicks-only gay, gay, gay.
748
00:44:07,715 --> 00:44:12,887
But then in my sculpture class,
I met this woman named Odyssey.
749
00:44:13,020 --> 00:44:14,321
Her name was Odyssey?
750
00:44:14,455 --> 00:44:15,990
Well, no,
her name was really Beth,
751
00:44:16,123 --> 00:44:18,459
but it was art school,
so, you know.
752
00:44:18,593 --> 00:44:21,829
Um, but... yeah, when I met her,
753
00:44:21,962 --> 00:44:27,968
I remember being, like,
shocked and a little surprised,
754
00:44:28,102 --> 00:44:31,338
and then I was like, "Who the
fuck am I to judge myself,"
755
00:44:31,472 --> 00:44:36,310
you know? Like, why not
just ride the wave
756
00:44:36,443 --> 00:44:39,380
and if I'm attracted to her
because of who she is,
757
00:44:39,514 --> 00:44:41,815
I'm gonna just follow that,
you know?
758
00:44:41,949 --> 00:44:43,618
I mean, surely you've
surprised yourself
759
00:44:43,751 --> 00:44:47,188
when you've, like, crossed over
sexual boundaries or something?
760
00:44:51,325 --> 00:44:56,463
Um, I-- I mean, of course
I've met women in my life
761
00:44:56,598 --> 00:45:03,938
that I am drawn to, but
I-- I wouldn't imagine, um...
762
00:45:05,973 --> 00:45:07,609
crossing that barrier.
763
00:45:07,741 --> 00:45:10,711
So I'm wondering how, you know,
coming from where you come from,
764
00:45:10,844 --> 00:45:12,146
with a dad that's homophobic,
765
00:45:12,279 --> 00:45:15,482
how do you cross
all those multiple lines
766
00:45:15,617 --> 00:45:19,053
that society sets out for you
and family set out for you?
767
00:45:19,420 --> 00:45:21,656
You just cross it.
768
00:45:24,626 --> 00:45:26,860
For me, it feels like Everest.
769
00:45:26,994 --> 00:45:29,531
For you, it's just like,
oh, crossing the street.
770
00:45:29,664 --> 00:45:31,165
-Truly.
-Mmm.
771
00:45:33,767 --> 00:45:35,704
Can we get into
the mechanics of it?
772
00:45:36,270 --> 00:45:40,441
Like, what is sex like
with someone who's transgender
773
00:45:40,575 --> 00:45:43,978
- or non-binary, what's...
- I feel like
774
00:45:44,345 --> 00:45:48,249
even the way that you're
thinking about it is gendered.
775
00:45:48,382 --> 00:45:53,722
Like, sex doesn't have to be as
clinical
776
00:45:53,854 --> 00:45:55,089
as you're looking at it.
777
00:45:55,222 --> 00:45:58,092
It's not about,
like, what goes in where
778
00:45:58,225 --> 00:46:01,762
and who has what equipment,
like, you're-- you're--
779
00:46:01,895 --> 00:46:03,897
What is it about, then?
780
00:46:04,031 --> 00:46:09,103
Well, I dated a person
named Rae, and they were--
781
00:46:09,236 --> 00:46:13,240
they were a fem-presenting
dom top, and they--
782
00:46:13,374 --> 00:46:17,911
Sex with them was actually,
like, a revelation.
783
00:46:18,045 --> 00:46:21,048
They had no boundaries at all.
784
00:46:21,181 --> 00:46:23,083
Nothing was off-limits,
785
00:46:23,217 --> 00:46:26,186
and they would tell me
exactly what they wanted.
786
00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:28,789
And it was incredible
in the bedroom,
787
00:46:28,922 --> 00:46:34,094
but then outside of the bedroom,
the lines got a little blurred,
788
00:46:34,228 --> 00:46:38,165
and they would take that sense
of telling me what to do
789
00:46:38,299 --> 00:46:40,167
in a very literal manner.
790
00:46:40,301 --> 00:46:43,203
So I would find myself, like,
having to clean their toilet
791
00:46:43,337 --> 00:46:46,974
or, like, one time when they
said that I had to go out
792
00:46:47,107 --> 00:46:49,744
and get them a milkshake
even when I had the flu.
793
00:46:49,877 --> 00:46:52,179
I had, like, a 103-degree fever,
794
00:46:52,313 --> 00:46:56,083
and I was there, and I ordered
the wrong milkshake flavor,
795
00:46:56,216 --> 00:46:58,485
and when I brought it back,
they lost their shit.
796
00:46:58,620 --> 00:47:01,055
So actually,
maybe that's a terrible example.
797
00:47:01,188 --> 00:47:04,626
Do you perceive yourself
as a masochist?
798
00:47:05,059 --> 00:47:07,394
Um, I mean, yeah,
799
00:47:07,529 --> 00:47:09,930
I definitely have played
the sub multiple times,
800
00:47:10,064 --> 00:47:11,098
like, pantyhose--
801
00:47:11,231 --> 00:47:14,034
Emotional. Emotional masochist.
802
00:47:14,168 --> 00:47:17,505
Uh, I don't really
know what that means,
803
00:47:17,639 --> 00:47:21,041
but clearly you think I am that.
804
00:47:21,175 --> 00:47:24,111
I think we have that in common.
805
00:47:24,244 --> 00:47:28,182
I don't know that you're
a masochist, though, are you?
806
00:47:28,315 --> 00:47:32,152
You're giving me, like,
full dom energy today.
807
00:47:32,286 --> 00:47:36,323
An emotional masochist is
someone who will get into, uh,
808
00:47:36,457 --> 00:47:39,893
situations and relationships
where they will suffer.
809
00:47:40,427 --> 00:47:45,065
It's very-- It's common among,
um, survivors of abuse.
810
00:47:45,432 --> 00:47:49,571
Mmm. I feel like you use that
as an excuse a lot.
811
00:47:52,039 --> 00:47:54,908
Maybe people
just are who they are.
812
00:47:55,042 --> 00:47:57,945
- And who are you, then?
- Who am I?
813
00:47:58,078 --> 00:48:04,284
I am a guy who doesn't
have the same limits
814
00:48:04,418 --> 00:48:06,954
that other people
place on themselves.
815
00:48:09,323 --> 00:48:12,761
Or maybe the fact
that you were violated
816
00:48:12,893 --> 00:48:18,031
at such a young age provided
you a learned experience
817
00:48:18,165 --> 00:48:22,871
where people could trespass
over your boundaries
818
00:48:23,003 --> 00:48:26,006
and do what they wanted
with your body.
819
00:48:26,407 --> 00:48:29,176
-Well-- Whoa, careful.
-Sorry.
820
00:48:30,177 --> 00:48:35,617
Whatever. I mean, models
need people to do stuff
821
00:48:35,750 --> 00:48:38,485
with their bodies and they need
to be comfortable with it,
822
00:48:38,620 --> 00:48:40,421
so maybe my trauma
ended up being
823
00:48:40,555 --> 00:48:42,456
incredibly beneficial
to my career.
824
00:48:43,157 --> 00:48:44,958
Have you ever
thought about that?
825
00:48:50,598 --> 00:48:52,466
I mean, I--
My head keeps going back to,
826
00:48:52,600 --> 00:48:54,368
where the hell was your dad
in all of this?
827
00:48:54,501 --> 00:48:56,571
Like where-- where--
Was he protecting?
828
00:48:56,704 --> 00:48:59,440
- What-- Where was Lewis?
- No, Lewis was more
829
00:48:59,574 --> 00:49:02,409
interested in the,
like, fucking models
830
00:49:02,544 --> 00:49:06,514
and, like, doing coke at parties
and that kind of stuff,
831
00:49:06,648 --> 00:49:08,348
which was actually
kind of this, like,
832
00:49:08,482 --> 00:49:11,452
weird fucked-up bonding thing
for us for a while
833
00:49:11,586 --> 00:49:13,688
'cause he never really seemed
to like me much
834
00:49:13,822 --> 00:49:15,790
before then, um...
835
00:49:16,558 --> 00:49:19,460
Yeah, it ended up being
ultimately incredibly toxic,
836
00:49:19,594 --> 00:49:24,866
and, uh, my mom really got
the shit end on that stick.
837
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,770
She doesn't really like
talking about the Nicki era.
838
00:49:28,903 --> 00:49:32,874
I mean, I get it. I basically
tore the family apart, so.
839
00:49:33,173 --> 00:49:34,909
I think that blame falls
840
00:49:35,042 --> 00:49:36,911
squarely on
your dad's shoulders.
841
00:49:37,044 --> 00:49:39,681
No, I mean, if I hadn't gotten
famous,
842
00:49:39,814 --> 00:49:41,415
then it wouldn't have...
843
00:49:43,150 --> 00:49:44,886
manifested the way
it did for her.
844
00:49:45,018 --> 00:49:49,657
And yet, here you are,
wanting to get famous again.
845
00:49:50,057 --> 00:49:51,593
-Yeah.
-Mmm.
846
00:49:51,726 --> 00:49:54,027
It's kind of addictive,
isn't it?
847
00:49:56,531 --> 00:49:58,999
So, I didn't
wanna push before...
848
00:50:02,035 --> 00:50:05,472
But I do want
to know about the pitch.
849
00:50:05,607 --> 00:50:06,674
No.
850
00:50:07,474 --> 00:50:09,109
-No.
-Come on.
851
00:50:09,243 --> 00:50:10,645
No, you'll just shit on it.
852
00:50:10,778 --> 00:50:12,514
-I won't shit on it.
-And I don't really...
853
00:50:13,982 --> 00:50:15,449
-Promise?
-Mm-hmm.
854
00:50:15,583 --> 00:50:20,420
Okay. Um, the idea is that
I would have guests,
855
00:50:20,555 --> 00:50:24,626
um, come on and they would
tell me their dirty sex secrets
856
00:50:24,759 --> 00:50:28,195
and then I would animate those
sex secrets and it would be,
857
00:50:28,328 --> 00:50:32,132
like, kind of a combo of
reality TV and edgy porn.
858
00:50:45,580 --> 00:50:48,248
The fact that I hate it so much
means it will be a success.
859
00:50:48,382 --> 00:50:49,851
So rude.
860
00:50:50,250 --> 00:50:54,121
You wanna be famous again too.
I can tell.
861
00:50:55,023 --> 00:50:57,090
Not famous, but just read.
862
00:50:57,491 --> 00:50:58,660
Ah.
863
00:50:59,561 --> 00:51:02,496
I miss having
an impact on the world.
864
00:51:02,630 --> 00:51:05,132
Mmm. That's so noble.
865
00:51:06,166 --> 00:51:08,435
It doesn't have
to be about the world.
866
00:51:09,403 --> 00:51:11,906
Oh.
867
00:51:18,646 --> 00:51:19,714
What?
868
00:51:21,583 --> 00:51:23,417
-Who was that?
-Oh, no one. Sorry.
869
00:51:23,551 --> 00:51:25,019
-You sure?
-Yeah.
870
00:51:25,152 --> 00:51:26,386
You just made
a really weird face.
871
00:51:26,521 --> 00:51:28,088
-You good?
-I made a weird face?
872
00:51:28,221 --> 00:51:29,824
You almost knocked
your wine glass over.
873
00:51:29,958 --> 00:51:32,060
How are you doing?
874
00:51:32,627 --> 00:51:36,330
Huh? How many glasses of wine
have you had, drunkie?
875
00:51:38,566 --> 00:51:41,268
It's okay.
You're cute when you're tipsy.
876
00:51:41,401 --> 00:51:42,670
Mmm, just a little tipsy.
877
00:51:42,804 --> 00:51:45,305
Mmm.
I've never been drunk before.
878
00:51:47,942 --> 00:51:52,412
If you're drunk, maybe
you're in the right headspace
879
00:51:52,547 --> 00:51:54,481
to tell me about your masochism.
880
00:51:54,882 --> 00:51:57,117
Emotional masochism.
881
00:51:57,250 --> 00:51:59,353
Come on! Come on.
882
00:51:59,486 --> 00:52:02,557
You're telling me you've
never looked at BDSM porn?
883
00:52:02,690 --> 00:52:05,258
-Sure, but for work.
-Ah.
884
00:52:05,392 --> 00:52:12,199
It's strictly-- strictly
professional... interest.
885
00:52:12,332 --> 00:52:15,603
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
886
00:52:15,737 --> 00:52:17,839
So Uncle Aaron has
never helped you explore
887
00:52:17,972 --> 00:52:20,908
this strictly
professional interest?
888
00:52:22,142 --> 00:52:23,945
So you've never
explored it, then?
889
00:52:34,454 --> 00:52:37,725
Maybe you have,
but just not with Aaron.
890
00:52:44,532 --> 00:52:46,400
Do you keep secrets
from Kristen?
891
00:52:49,737 --> 00:52:50,805
Maybe.
892
00:52:57,979 --> 00:52:59,479
Such as...
893
00:52:59,914 --> 00:53:01,314
Um...
894
00:53:02,215 --> 00:53:07,387
Let's just say that cartoon porn
pays significantly less
895
00:53:07,522 --> 00:53:09,791
than Kristen thinks it does.
896
00:53:12,459 --> 00:53:14,162
But you have
another source of income?
897
00:53:14,294 --> 00:53:16,329
- Maybe.
- Is it salacious?
898
00:53:17,197 --> 00:53:18,265
Maybe.
899
00:53:18,966 --> 00:53:24,172
And now we both know enough
about each other to...
900
00:53:24,906 --> 00:53:28,776
make both of our marriages
incredibly uncomfortable,
901
00:53:30,477 --> 00:53:33,648
so...
902
00:53:40,855 --> 00:53:45,927
By the way, all that,
like-- The BDSM stuff,
903
00:53:46,627 --> 00:53:49,030
-it's kind of mainstream now.
-Yeah?
904
00:53:49,163 --> 00:53:50,631
Yeah, it's 50 shades of vanilla.
905
00:53:50,765 --> 00:53:52,166
You don't have to
be embarrassed.
906
00:53:52,299 --> 00:53:54,869
-Oh, well, that's good.
-It's fun.
907
00:53:58,238 --> 00:54:01,308
Yeah, I need to say
good night to my kids before
908
00:54:01,441 --> 00:54:02,844
-it gets too late, I think.
-Yeah.
909
00:54:02,977 --> 00:54:04,846
Maybe do a FaceTime
with Great Aunt Priya?
910
00:54:04,979 --> 00:54:06,080
No.
911
00:54:06,214 --> 00:54:07,548
-Come on!
-Nope.
912
00:54:07,682 --> 00:54:10,885
Great Aunt Priya is tipsy.
913
00:54:11,853 --> 00:54:14,454
I like FaceTiming
when I'm tipsy.
914
00:54:15,022 --> 00:54:20,895
Oh! Look like Kathy Bates
playing Wolverine.
915
00:54:21,596 --> 00:54:24,699
Ugh. Rough.
916
00:54:37,812 --> 00:54:39,981
Okay. All right.
Well, I gotta go.
917
00:54:40,114 --> 00:54:42,617
Tell your mom I said goodnight,
okay, bud?
918
00:54:42,750 --> 00:54:44,585
- Bye!
- All right, bye.
919
00:54:44,719 --> 00:54:45,787
Aww.
920
00:54:46,386 --> 00:54:49,056
I remember when
Laurel was that age.
921
00:54:49,190 --> 00:54:51,058
Just running wild already.
922
00:54:51,192 --> 00:54:55,495
Mmm, yeah. Jasper is
so high-energy that if--
923
00:54:55,630 --> 00:54:58,533
uh, if I'm not
watching him every minute,
924
00:54:58,666 --> 00:55:01,068
he will actually run
right under a moving truck.
925
00:55:01,202 --> 00:55:04,205
If Jocelyn doesn't
bulldoze him herself.
926
00:55:04,337 --> 00:55:07,909
She is such
a bossy little thing.
927
00:55:08,910 --> 00:55:09,977
What?
928
00:55:11,813 --> 00:55:13,380
It's nothing.
My mom used to call me bossy.
929
00:55:13,514 --> 00:55:14,615
It's just a trigger, that's all.
930
00:55:14,749 --> 00:55:16,083
-Oh.
-That's all.
931
00:55:16,217 --> 00:55:17,852
-Sorry. Shit.
-No, please no.
932
00:55:17,985 --> 00:55:21,989
She'd be so worried about me
doing anything to upset my dad.
933
00:55:22,123 --> 00:55:24,391
She had no idea
he was getting off on it,
934
00:55:24,525 --> 00:55:29,396
and she was just so intent on
making everything my fault,
935
00:55:29,530 --> 00:55:31,833
-so...
-God. So sorry.
936
00:55:31,966 --> 00:55:35,670
I, uh, I hope I don't
make Jocelyn feel that way.
937
00:55:35,803 --> 00:55:38,539
I, uh, I love that
she has a mind of her own.
938
00:55:38,673 --> 00:55:41,843
It can be intimidating for boys,
you know?
939
00:55:42,442 --> 00:55:46,514
The reason why a lot of boys
kinda, like, stayed away from--
940
00:55:46,647 --> 00:55:48,049
Well, you know what?
941
00:55:48,182 --> 00:55:49,750
Could've been the acne
and the bad glasses.
942
00:55:49,884 --> 00:55:52,687
I do not remember
acne or bad glasses.
943
00:55:52,820 --> 00:55:55,723
I mean, they were gone by the
time I married into your family,
944
00:55:55,857 --> 00:55:57,825
-but...
-Yeah, they definitely were.
945
00:55:57,959 --> 00:56:01,262
What I remember most on that
first trip when you came to
946
00:56:01,394 --> 00:56:04,098
our house was my mom talking
about how gorgeous you were.
947
00:56:04,232 --> 00:56:07,969
- No mention of acne or glasses.
- Aww. Love your mom.
948
00:56:08,102 --> 00:56:11,471
And I remember my dad repeatedly
saying that he hoped he didn't
949
00:56:11,606 --> 00:56:13,541
have to talk to you
about your sex book.
950
00:56:16,677 --> 00:56:19,146
And that same trip,
do you remember,
951
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:21,782
you were sitting outside
painting your toenails...
952
00:56:21,916 --> 00:56:23,284
-Uh-huh.
-...and I came out and I must've
953
00:56:23,416 --> 00:56:25,686
been, like, staring so intently
954
00:56:25,820 --> 00:56:27,889
because you offered
to paint mine too.
955
00:56:28,022 --> 00:56:29,991
What were you,
like, 14 or something?
956
00:56:30,124 --> 00:56:31,391
Younger, I think.
957
00:56:32,093 --> 00:56:35,296
There was something about
that trip that left a huge...
958
00:56:35,428 --> 00:56:40,400
like, a pretty big impact on me,
I guess, actually, 'cause you--
959
00:56:40,534 --> 00:56:42,169
you talked to me
like I was an adult,
960
00:56:42,303 --> 00:56:45,873
which just hadn't really
happened in my family before,
961
00:56:46,007 --> 00:56:49,010
and you-- you kind of made me
feel like I was less, like,
962
00:56:49,143 --> 00:56:50,244
wrong.
963
00:56:50,878 --> 00:56:54,582
Not to get too woo-woo
about it, but...
964
00:56:54,949 --> 00:56:55,983
Thank you.
965
00:56:56,117 --> 00:56:57,852
Uh-huh.
I wish I saw you more back then.
966
00:56:57,985 --> 00:57:02,290
-I wish I saw you more.
-I don't think I saw you again
967
00:57:02,422 --> 00:57:03,591
until the wedding.
968
00:57:03,958 --> 00:57:08,596
Jack's wedding,
when we danced the night away.
969
00:57:08,729 --> 00:57:10,598
You keep bringing that up.
970
00:57:12,366 --> 00:57:15,970
That wedding was a total
disaster. I wish I hadn't gone.
971
00:57:17,338 --> 00:57:19,407
That time was such a mess.
972
00:57:19,540 --> 00:57:21,175
My second book
had just come out,
973
00:57:21,309 --> 00:57:25,246
it hadn't been received
as well as Patriarchy had.
974
00:57:25,379 --> 00:57:29,750
Aaron was in London again
on a research gig.
975
00:57:29,884 --> 00:57:33,287
But Jack was getting married
to my cousin Rachel--
976
00:57:33,421 --> 00:57:36,057
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Rachel was your cousin?
977
00:57:36,190 --> 00:57:38,192
She was my cousin.
Did you not know that?
978
00:57:38,326 --> 00:57:39,660
I mean, I guess I must've...
979
00:57:39,794 --> 00:57:41,461
Did you not notice
my father was there?
980
00:57:41,595 --> 00:57:43,264
-Did you not meet him there?
-I did.
981
00:57:43,397 --> 00:57:46,634
I mean, he was old,
but he wasn't senile.
982
00:57:46,767 --> 00:57:50,304
Yet.
But he was still terrifying.
983
00:57:51,072 --> 00:57:54,141
- Is that why you got so drunk?
- Mmm.
984
00:57:54,809 --> 00:57:59,013
The whole night is one big blur.
985
00:57:59,146 --> 00:58:00,214
Come on.
986
00:58:00,748 --> 00:58:03,851
You do remember
dancing with me, right?
987
00:58:04,852 --> 00:58:07,321
I do remember thinking
you were really sweet,
988
00:58:07,455 --> 00:58:10,558
and beautiful, and so fun.
989
00:58:14,662 --> 00:58:17,631
Do you remember, uh,
990
00:58:19,367 --> 00:58:21,135
dropping your purse
991
00:58:22,603 --> 00:58:23,938
at the wedding?
992
00:58:26,173 --> 00:58:28,709
The purse with
your room key in it?
993
00:58:33,581 --> 00:58:35,082
You know, I-- I...
994
00:58:37,284 --> 00:58:38,919
I, uh...
995
00:58:39,587 --> 00:58:42,957
I used-- I used the key.
996
00:58:45,092 --> 00:58:46,160
You know?
997
00:58:47,862 --> 00:58:52,233
I-- I mean, I-- I was 19,
and I just, like--
998
00:58:53,134 --> 00:58:58,105
My hot aunt had been flirting
with me, and I-- I guess I...
999
00:58:58,973 --> 00:59:01,776
I wanted to see if, um...
1000
00:59:05,746 --> 00:59:07,748
um, but, I saw...
1001
00:59:47,121 --> 00:59:48,722
Wow, okay.
1002
00:59:52,493 --> 00:59:53,761
You saw that?
1003
01:00:00,901 --> 01:00:06,073
I-- I did-- I didn't--
I didn't see much.
1004
01:00:11,846 --> 01:00:15,082
But I just saw you on the bed,
1005
01:00:15,216 --> 01:00:18,219
and your dad...
1006
01:00:24,024 --> 01:00:25,926
I-- I got out of there.
1007
01:00:27,027 --> 01:00:29,096
Just dropped your purse
and ran away.
1008
01:00:37,972 --> 01:00:40,141
Nic, it wasn't sex.
1009
01:00:40,674 --> 01:00:41,909
Okay?
1010
01:00:42,176 --> 01:00:44,879
I want you to know
that it was never sex.
1011
01:00:46,280 --> 01:00:47,381
Okay.
1012
01:00:48,249 --> 01:00:51,118
So it-- it wasn't
sexual at all, then?
1013
01:00:55,990 --> 01:00:58,159
I swear I'm not judging you.
1014
01:00:59,226 --> 01:01:00,294
Priya...
1015
01:01:01,362 --> 01:01:04,198
but, can I ask,
1016
01:01:05,166 --> 01:01:07,201
um, did that just keep going
1017
01:01:07,334 --> 01:01:10,237
from-- from when
you were little, or...
1018
01:01:10,371 --> 01:01:13,340
No. No.
1019
01:01:13,974 --> 01:01:15,209
Almost never.
1020
01:01:16,143 --> 01:01:17,211
Almost?
1021
01:01:20,582 --> 01:01:22,216
Fuck, Nic...
1022
01:01:24,519 --> 01:01:26,120
I never wanted you to see that.
1023
01:01:26,253 --> 01:01:28,822
I never wanted
anyone to see that.
1024
01:01:29,723 --> 01:01:31,892
I mean, I know
it's not easy, but I actually,
1025
01:01:32,026 --> 01:01:36,096
I-- I kind of like
talking to you about this.
1026
01:01:37,031 --> 01:01:40,334
It-- it makes me feel
like you trust me,
1027
01:01:41,335 --> 01:01:44,038
and that-- that
I can trust you too.
1028
01:01:59,554 --> 01:02:00,821
You know,
1029
01:02:03,123 --> 01:02:09,263
I've never really
talked to anyone...
1030
01:02:12,967 --> 01:02:14,401
about what you saw.
1031
01:02:18,305 --> 01:02:21,442
I've never written about it
in any of my books.
1032
01:02:21,576 --> 01:02:24,745
I mean, I-- I've written
about the hitting
1033
01:02:24,878 --> 01:02:28,349
and the pleasure
it seemed to give him,
1034
01:02:28,482 --> 01:02:31,085
but I could never admit
1035
01:02:32,687 --> 01:02:37,024
just how it connected
fear and pleasure for me.
1036
01:02:44,231 --> 01:02:48,235
Sometimes after he'd hit me,
I'd go hide out and...
1037
01:02:51,706 --> 01:02:52,973
...masturbate.
1038
01:02:55,710 --> 01:02:57,144
Thought that was totally normal.
1039
01:02:59,714 --> 01:03:01,148
You know, we just-- We're kids.
1040
01:03:01,282 --> 01:03:02,850
We just think
everything's so normal,
1041
01:03:02,983 --> 01:03:04,918
and as I grew up, I just...
1042
01:03:05,654 --> 01:03:09,890
I realized it wasn't normal,
and what was happening was bad,
1043
01:03:10,024 --> 01:03:13,427
and what he was doing was bad,
and what I was doing was bad,
1044
01:03:13,561 --> 01:03:14,828
but...
1045
01:03:17,364 --> 01:03:18,432
No.
1046
01:03:19,601 --> 01:03:21,402
Yeah, it was bad.
1047
01:03:22,369 --> 01:03:24,506
I did it anyway.
I just felt like shit.
1048
01:03:24,639 --> 01:03:27,174
I felt dirty. I felt sick.
1049
01:03:29,209 --> 01:03:31,211
I felt like a pervert.
1050
01:03:31,879 --> 01:03:34,114
No, you weren't
doing anything wrong.
1051
01:03:35,349 --> 01:03:37,851
You were just a kid, you know?
1052
01:03:39,420 --> 01:03:43,725
I mean, I-- I think about
my kids, and they-- they're--
1053
01:03:44,491 --> 01:03:47,227
they're just built to love,
you know? They just...
1054
01:03:48,062 --> 01:03:50,164
They're meant to trust, and...
1055
01:03:52,132 --> 01:03:54,569
You-- you didn't
do anything wrong.
1056
01:03:54,703 --> 01:03:56,538
Your dad is the fucked up one.
1057
01:03:58,138 --> 01:03:59,674
You know that, right?
1058
01:03:59,808 --> 01:04:01,942
And yet you don't know it.
1059
01:04:04,579 --> 01:04:06,246
It's exhausting.
1060
01:04:08,516 --> 01:04:09,883
Seriously.
1061
01:04:14,522 --> 01:04:18,325
So, is-- is that
part of sex for you now?
1062
01:04:18,459 --> 01:04:19,627
Getting spanked?
1063
01:04:20,027 --> 01:04:21,295
God.
1064
01:04:21,995 --> 01:04:23,631
I hate that word.
1065
01:04:24,998 --> 01:04:26,900
What word do you prefer?
1066
01:04:27,468 --> 01:04:28,636
Like, whipped?
1067
01:04:31,673 --> 01:04:32,940
Hit.
1068
01:04:34,743 --> 01:04:36,644
I'm the one who gets hit.
1069
01:04:38,278 --> 01:04:40,047
Do you ever think
of just telling Aaron
1070
01:04:40,180 --> 01:04:42,517
what it is that you like?
1071
01:04:43,417 --> 01:04:46,887
Well, okay,
"like" is not the word I'd use.
1072
01:04:47,856 --> 01:04:48,922
It's, um...
1073
01:04:49,557 --> 01:04:53,127
I don't know. I don't know
what it is. It's maybe...
1074
01:04:56,096 --> 01:04:58,566
Satisfying? I don't know.
1075
01:04:59,933 --> 01:05:01,201
Yeah.
1076
01:05:03,170 --> 01:05:05,172
Aaron would never understand.
1077
01:05:10,210 --> 01:05:12,079
He's such a good guy, you know?
1078
01:05:13,147 --> 01:05:14,516
He'd never understand.
1079
01:05:15,449 --> 01:05:17,585
He'd think he did
something wrong. He...
1080
01:05:18,653 --> 01:05:19,920
I don't know.
1081
01:05:21,321 --> 01:05:23,323
He'd never forgive me.
1082
01:05:25,827 --> 01:05:28,195
I mean, my readers
wouldn't understand either.
1083
01:05:28,328 --> 01:05:30,431
I go around
presenting myself
1084
01:05:30,565 --> 01:05:34,334
as such a goddamn
feminist role model.
1085
01:05:34,468 --> 01:05:35,537
Hey.
1086
01:05:36,470 --> 01:05:40,240
Who says a feminist can't enjoy
a good spanking once in a while?
1087
01:05:40,374 --> 01:05:42,376
Oh, I've done enough
reading to know that
1088
01:05:42,510 --> 01:05:45,379
there's a version of
hitting that is about
1089
01:05:46,046 --> 01:05:48,348
female consent
and female empowerment
1090
01:05:48,482 --> 01:05:50,618
that's not connected
to trauma and abuse,
1091
01:05:50,752 --> 01:05:53,253
but that's not what I am up to.
1092
01:05:56,957 --> 01:06:00,360
Mine is deeply rooted in...
1093
01:06:01,328 --> 01:06:03,096
the desires of men.
1094
01:06:04,064 --> 01:06:06,701
It is deeply rooted in...
1095
01:06:10,605 --> 01:06:12,339
my fractures.
1096
01:06:15,743 --> 01:06:17,010
God.
1097
01:06:17,645 --> 01:06:19,012
Must be really...
1098
01:06:20,915 --> 01:06:23,083
hard to be able to do that.
1099
01:06:24,485 --> 01:06:25,553
Do what?
1100
01:06:25,887 --> 01:06:27,354
Analyze yourself.
1101
01:06:27,488 --> 01:06:30,558
Diagnose yourself.
1102
01:06:32,961 --> 01:06:34,228
It's my job.
1103
01:06:35,128 --> 01:06:36,463
Yeah, but, I mean...
1104
01:06:38,065 --> 01:06:40,501
does it leave you any room for
1105
01:06:42,269 --> 01:06:44,204
pleasure, or...
1106
01:06:50,912 --> 01:06:52,179
Hmm.
1107
01:06:53,748 --> 01:06:56,283
No. I guess not.
1108
01:06:58,620 --> 01:06:59,687
It's a shame.
1109
01:07:02,222 --> 01:07:04,091
I think you deserve that.
1110
01:07:10,565 --> 01:07:12,299
Tell me about the text you got.
1111
01:07:18,006 --> 01:07:19,072
Um,
1112
01:07:19,807 --> 01:07:24,244
so you know
how Lewis was my manager?
1113
01:07:25,145 --> 01:07:26,413
Um...
1114
01:07:30,217 --> 01:07:32,152
he's kind of...
1115
01:07:33,320 --> 01:07:35,422
like, my pimp, too.
1116
01:07:36,591 --> 01:07:37,725
I, uh,
1117
01:07:39,561 --> 01:07:41,729
I make most of my money
these days
1118
01:07:41,863 --> 01:07:44,431
as, like, uh, an online escort,
1119
01:07:46,066 --> 01:07:48,770
for grown-up fans of Nicki.
1120
01:07:50,972 --> 01:07:53,307
People your dad finds?
1121
01:07:53,440 --> 01:07:56,911
He kept a list over the years
of Nicki's fan club,
1122
01:07:57,045 --> 01:07:58,378
and, um,
1123
01:07:59,112 --> 01:08:02,449
he sent them
little messages saying,
1124
01:08:03,250 --> 01:08:04,953
"chat with Nicki."
1125
01:08:05,753 --> 01:08:10,157
You know, and then people
would then ask for more,
1126
01:08:10,290 --> 01:08:12,527
and they'd offer to pay more.
1127
01:08:15,797 --> 01:08:16,864
So...
1128
01:08:20,668 --> 01:08:23,136
- And Kristen doesn't--
- No.
1129
01:08:23,270 --> 01:08:26,106
-Mm-hmm.
-It's just online.
1130
01:08:27,508 --> 01:08:29,476
Online can be real too.
1131
01:08:30,812 --> 01:08:31,879
That's true.
1132
01:08:37,217 --> 01:08:39,621
So when Aaron is away,
do you ever...
1133
01:08:41,556 --> 01:08:46,259
find anyone to--
to hit you for real?
1134
01:09:05,379 --> 01:09:06,914
Is that something you want?
1135
01:09:23,363 --> 01:09:24,632
I gotta go to sleep.
1136
01:09:25,667 --> 01:09:27,935
Let's pick it up in the morning,
okay?
1137
01:09:58,365 --> 01:09:59,801
- Hi.
- Hey.
1138
01:10:05,405 --> 01:10:06,741
Hello.
1139
01:10:11,445 --> 01:10:13,213
Do you know
what this is like?
1140
01:10:13,346 --> 01:10:18,186
This is like the morning
after a one night stand,
1141
01:10:18,553 --> 01:10:20,487
when you wake up next to
someone and you're like,
1142
01:10:20,621 --> 01:10:21,989
"Wait, what just happened?
1143
01:10:22,123 --> 01:10:23,558
-Who are you?"
-Oh, my God.
1144
01:10:23,691 --> 01:10:26,561
I don't know how you got me to
talk so much.
1145
01:10:27,061 --> 01:10:29,329
Or drink so much.
1146
01:10:29,463 --> 01:10:32,900
Come on.
You had three glasses of wine.
1147
01:10:38,472 --> 01:10:39,741
Who is it?
1148
01:10:40,307 --> 01:10:42,043
-It's the home.
-Uh-huh.
1149
01:10:42,176 --> 01:10:43,443
Busy avoiding them.
1150
01:10:43,745 --> 01:10:47,548
-Is he okay?
-Mm-hmm, yeah, he's okay.
1151
01:10:47,682 --> 01:10:50,118
He's totally confused.
Deeply senile.
1152
01:10:50,551 --> 01:10:52,019
He keeps asking about me,
1153
01:10:52,153 --> 01:10:54,488
which is why they're
probably calling so much.
1154
01:10:54,622 --> 01:10:56,958
Yikes. When was
the last time you saw him?
1155
01:10:57,091 --> 01:11:01,129
Um... six months ago?
1156
01:11:02,163 --> 01:11:07,201
I had gone over to tell him that
I was trying to forgive him,
1157
01:11:07,935 --> 01:11:14,175
and he looked at me like he had
no idea who the fuck I was.
1158
01:11:14,942 --> 01:11:17,377
Well, I could tell my words
struck some kind of chord
1159
01:11:17,512 --> 01:11:19,747
'cause he started
shouting at me,
1160
01:11:19,881 --> 01:11:22,250
telling me to
get out of his sight.
1161
01:11:22,884 --> 01:11:27,054
Nurse had to lead me out
and I haven't been back since.
1162
01:11:28,256 --> 01:11:29,590
Yikes.
1163
01:11:31,993 --> 01:11:35,797
You know, the fact that
I can stay away this long
1164
01:11:35,930 --> 01:11:37,497
when I know that
he's dying in there
1165
01:11:37,632 --> 01:11:40,001
makes me feel like
a bit of a sociopath.
1166
01:11:40,802 --> 01:11:44,772
I had all these people,
all these survivors,
1167
01:11:45,573 --> 01:11:49,110
tell me how they cut off ties
with their abusers
1168
01:11:49,243 --> 01:11:50,945
after reading my book,
1169
01:11:51,078 --> 01:11:52,280
and here I am, just...
1170
01:11:52,880 --> 01:11:55,850
shelling out for
this high-end place.
1171
01:11:55,983 --> 01:11:57,084
I totally get it.
1172
01:11:57,450 --> 01:11:59,187
Like, my brain is
obviously very aware of
1173
01:11:59,319 --> 01:12:01,055
all the fucked up stuff
Lewis has done,
1174
01:12:01,189 --> 01:12:02,890
but at the same time,
1175
01:12:03,024 --> 01:12:06,527
if he hadn't found this
alternate source of income,
1176
01:12:06,661 --> 01:12:09,362
-I would be so broke.
-Mm-hmm.
1177
01:12:09,496 --> 01:12:12,600
And, uh... voilà.
1178
01:12:12,733 --> 01:12:16,037
-Very nice. Very nice.
-Thank you.
1179
01:12:16,604 --> 01:12:18,105
-Let me do yours.
-Mm-mm.
1180
01:12:18,239 --> 01:12:22,009
Come on. We do nails all
the time with the kids. Come on.
1181
01:12:34,589 --> 01:12:36,657
I'm really fascinated
by all these
1182
01:12:36,791 --> 01:12:39,327
-online encounters of yours.
-Mmm.
1183
01:12:40,761 --> 01:12:45,566
Do you like your clients? How--
how do you feel about them?
1184
01:12:46,000 --> 01:12:47,168
I, uh...
1185
01:12:47,735 --> 01:12:49,402
I like a lot of them.
1186
01:12:51,005 --> 01:12:54,075
Some of them, they're,
like, the highlight of my day.
1187
01:12:55,042 --> 01:12:56,811
The way that they...
1188
01:12:58,145 --> 01:12:59,379
I don't know, gaze at me,
1189
01:12:59,513 --> 01:13:03,618
it makes me feel
interesting and...
1190
01:13:04,518 --> 01:13:05,786
important.
1191
01:13:07,121 --> 01:13:08,388
Like you.
1192
01:13:11,525 --> 01:13:13,694
Have I been gazing at you?
1193
01:13:17,965 --> 01:13:21,869
I've been gazing back,
in case you hadn't noticed.
1194
01:13:27,174 --> 01:13:28,809
I see what you're doing.
1195
01:13:29,510 --> 01:13:31,679
What am I doing?
1196
01:13:32,213 --> 01:13:36,918
You're talking to me and looking
at me like I'm one of them.
1197
01:13:37,551 --> 01:13:41,789
One of those online
Nicki fans of yours.
1198
01:13:42,256 --> 01:13:43,925
You aren't a Nicki fan?
1199
01:13:55,435 --> 01:13:57,171
Can I ask you a question?
1200
01:13:59,774 --> 01:14:02,610
At that wedding,
you were coming on to me, right?
1201
01:14:04,378 --> 01:14:07,748
That was not just dancing.
1202
01:14:09,550 --> 01:14:11,018
And this weekend...
1203
01:14:13,054 --> 01:14:15,523
all these little moments,
like...
1204
01:14:16,958 --> 01:14:18,491
when you unbuttoned your blouse
1205
01:14:18,626 --> 01:14:20,493
when you thought
I wasn't looking.
1206
01:14:21,963 --> 01:14:23,030
And...
1207
01:14:42,783 --> 01:14:44,251
Fuck, it's Aaron.
1208
01:14:50,191 --> 01:14:51,258
Hey!
1209
01:15:13,247 --> 01:15:14,515
Why'd you do that?
1210
01:15:15,616 --> 01:15:17,985
-Why did I do what?
-Act all ashamed,
1211
01:15:18,119 --> 01:15:20,254
like I was a goddamn
porn site or something?
1212
01:15:20,388 --> 01:15:22,690
Because my husband called?
1213
01:15:25,493 --> 01:15:26,727
Look, Nic.
1214
01:15:27,161 --> 01:15:28,963
What we were doing,
what we were starting to do,
1215
01:15:29,096 --> 01:15:30,798
where you were taking us,
was not okay.
1216
01:15:30,931 --> 01:15:32,566
-Wait, where I was taking us?
-Okay? By any--
1217
01:15:32,700 --> 01:15:34,101
So you had
nothing to do with it?
1218
01:15:34,235 --> 01:15:36,370
-I-- I'm just saying--
-Okay, I'm gonna own it.
1219
01:15:36,504 --> 01:15:39,740
If I-- if I had wanted something
to happen in there, I--
1220
01:15:39,874 --> 01:15:41,208
Or last night. I-- I don't think
1221
01:15:41,342 --> 01:15:43,310
it would be anything
to be ashamed of.
1222
01:15:43,444 --> 01:15:46,515
We're both happy to
be married.
1223
01:15:46,647 --> 01:15:48,349
-I mean, at least I am.
-I'm married too.
1224
01:15:48,482 --> 01:15:51,185
I'm not saying that it would've
been right, I'm just saying
1225
01:15:51,318 --> 01:15:53,187
that there's no sense
in guilting yourself for
1226
01:15:53,320 --> 01:15:56,991
the wanting part of it, okay?
I feel like you work so hard
1227
01:15:57,124 --> 01:15:58,893
to resist all your impulses,
Priya--
1228
01:15:59,026 --> 01:16:00,828
-Could you just stop this?
-Stop what?
1229
01:16:00,961 --> 01:16:03,064
Can you just stop
making everything okay?
1230
01:16:03,197 --> 01:16:06,333
Will you stop collapsing every
boundary known to mankind? Okay?
1231
01:16:06,467 --> 01:16:10,104
We all just-- We need-- we need
structure so there's no chaos.
1232
01:16:10,237 --> 01:16:12,106
We need to have some rules
to live by. Okay?
1233
01:16:12,239 --> 01:16:13,741
Oh, my God,
you're so hard on yourself.
1234
01:16:13,874 --> 01:16:15,810
You're so fucking
easy on yourself!
1235
01:16:29,924 --> 01:16:32,259
Nic, if Aaron was ever to
1236
01:16:34,662 --> 01:16:37,598
find out about
whatever that was...
1237
01:16:39,733 --> 01:16:41,836
I-- I would never.
1238
01:16:45,139 --> 01:16:49,009
Look, I don't want to
blow up your life.
1239
01:16:49,511 --> 01:16:51,846
But is that honestly your life?
1240
01:16:52,413 --> 01:16:53,681
Your marriage?
1241
01:16:53,814 --> 01:16:55,282
You preach total honesty,
1242
01:16:55,416 --> 01:16:57,418
but you won't even talk
for real to your husband.
1243
01:16:57,552 --> 01:16:59,053
I-- I think in every marriage,
1244
01:16:59,186 --> 01:17:00,888
there are things
that are left unsaid.
1245
01:17:01,021 --> 01:17:03,424
Things like
a whole secret BDSM life?
1246
01:17:03,558 --> 01:17:05,126
That is not my life.
1247
01:17:05,759 --> 01:17:07,529
-That is not my life.
-Isn't it?
1248
01:17:07,661 --> 01:17:08,863
-Isn't it?
-No.
1249
01:17:08,996 --> 01:17:10,064
Isn't that part of
everyone's life?
1250
01:17:10,197 --> 01:17:11,265
The secret shit?
1251
01:17:11,866 --> 01:17:13,134
Because you're so honest
1252
01:17:13,267 --> 01:17:14,835
-with your secret shit?
-Oh, my God.
1253
01:17:14,969 --> 01:17:17,171
See, you don't get it, Nic.
1254
01:17:18,573 --> 01:17:23,377
Aaron is the one thing
that keeps me in the world,
1255
01:17:24,178 --> 01:17:26,247
and I can't risk losing him.
1256
01:17:26,380 --> 01:17:28,916
I can't risk
losing Kristen either.
1257
01:17:29,283 --> 01:17:31,185
I'm just saying
you need to own your shit.
1258
01:17:31,318 --> 01:17:32,920
Okay, fine.
Do you want me to confess?
1259
01:17:33,053 --> 01:17:34,688
- Yes!
- What do you want me
1260
01:17:34,822 --> 01:17:36,724
to confess? What-- what do you--
what do you want me to confess?
1261
01:17:36,857 --> 01:17:39,226
That-- that I'm not totally
honest with what I want? Sure.
1262
01:17:39,360 --> 01:17:41,695
That-- that something just
happened, something fucked up
1263
01:17:41,829 --> 01:17:43,532
just happened between us
and it was sexual? Yes.
1264
01:17:43,664 --> 01:17:46,066
Like all my other encounters?
Sure. Is that what you want,
1265
01:17:46,200 --> 01:17:48,035
that I'm not faithful to Aaron?
You happy?
1266
01:17:48,169 --> 01:17:49,803
Maybe you're faithful
to yourself.
1267
01:17:49,937 --> 01:17:51,672
- Oh, God.
- Your real self, kind of.
1268
01:18:04,251 --> 01:18:05,419
I can't--
1269
01:18:09,723 --> 01:18:11,258
I can't have that
1270
01:18:13,662 --> 01:18:15,362
be my real self.
1271
01:18:16,764 --> 01:18:18,165
Like, do you understand that?
1272
01:18:18,299 --> 01:18:21,936
I-- I-- That-- that part
of me is too tainted.
1273
01:18:22,069 --> 01:18:25,439
It-- it is just
mixed up with my dad.
1274
01:18:25,574 --> 01:18:27,708
That-- that part of myself
is too broken.
1275
01:18:27,841 --> 01:18:29,877
I-- I know what you're saying,
I know what you're trying to
1276
01:18:30,010 --> 01:18:33,847
get me to do,
but I-- I can't have that.
1277
01:18:38,185 --> 01:18:42,056
You know what? We've spent way
too much time off the record.
1278
01:18:42,189 --> 01:18:44,425
We're-- We gotta get back.
I-- I don't even know
1279
01:18:44,559 --> 01:18:46,093
if we have anything here.
1280
01:18:46,227 --> 01:18:48,095
I gotta find if we have
anything here, and-- and you--
1281
01:18:48,229 --> 01:18:50,431
you have to leave soon.
We have a timeline.
1282
01:18:50,565 --> 01:18:52,099
-Uh...
-Unbelievable.
1283
01:18:52,701 --> 01:18:54,435
Why don't we, uh, get back to
1284
01:18:54,569 --> 01:18:58,839
your, uh, babysitters
and-- and your baths?
1285
01:19:00,140 --> 01:19:04,679
Um... yeah. Let's.
1286
01:19:05,547 --> 01:19:08,349
- Do you...
- What?
1287
01:19:08,482 --> 01:19:13,053
I don't know.
Do you-- do you, um...
1288
01:19:16,223 --> 01:19:18,859
How long did it go on for?
The abuse.
1289
01:19:21,028 --> 01:19:22,963
I don't know.
Eventually they moved away.
1290
01:19:23,097 --> 01:19:25,833
I think I was,
like, six or seven.
1291
01:19:29,069 --> 01:19:33,374
Did you ever see them again?
As an adult, I mean.
1292
01:19:33,508 --> 01:19:38,012
Yeah, actually.
Once I saw Mrs. Ellison.
1293
01:19:39,046 --> 01:19:41,882
Aunt Carol, she had me call her.
1294
01:19:42,016 --> 01:19:43,917
Um, it was at
this big blowout party
1295
01:19:44,051 --> 01:19:45,620
that my dad threw for Nicki.
1296
01:19:46,287 --> 01:19:48,922
It was-- You know,
after the divorce,
1297
01:19:49,390 --> 01:19:52,226
my agent, the real agent
that I had dropped me
1298
01:19:52,359 --> 01:19:55,195
'cause I kept showing up late
and fucking up big gigs--
1299
01:19:55,329 --> 01:19:59,066
-Why did you do that?
-Mmm, 'cause I, um...
1300
01:19:59,433 --> 01:20:02,169
I really started to believe
my own importance in the world,
1301
01:20:02,303 --> 01:20:06,574
which, turns out
I'd vastly overestimated.
1302
01:20:06,974 --> 01:20:09,343
Is this just before you quit?
1303
01:20:09,877 --> 01:20:11,145
Yeah.
1304
01:20:11,945 --> 01:20:13,515
You know what? Fuck it.
1305
01:20:15,316 --> 01:20:18,753
I've never really told anyone,
not the whole thing, but, yeah.
1306
01:20:18,886 --> 01:20:20,821
-I can turn it off.
-Record it.
1307
01:20:21,355 --> 01:20:23,357
This is what you want, right?
1308
01:20:24,024 --> 01:20:25,259
Um...
1309
01:20:25,760 --> 01:20:29,830
Okay, yeah, I was at this,
uh-- this big blowout party
1310
01:20:29,963 --> 01:20:36,270
that my dad threw for Nicki,
and I see Aunt Carol come in,
1311
01:20:36,403 --> 01:20:40,974
and I-- I see that
she's kind of scared of me,
1312
01:20:41,743 --> 01:20:42,876
and I...
1313
01:20:43,678 --> 01:20:46,447
I start, like, kind of
getting off on her being scared
1314
01:20:46,581 --> 01:20:50,484
and I start flirting with her
pretty seriously. I'm--
1315
01:20:51,251 --> 01:20:53,354
I probably would've
slept with the old bag
1316
01:20:53,487 --> 01:20:56,957
if my dad hadn't seen
what was going on and--
1317
01:20:57,559 --> 01:21:02,062
and come over
and steered me away from her
1318
01:21:02,196 --> 01:21:08,068
and pawned me off on
the Nicki fan club, and...
1319
01:21:10,437 --> 01:21:14,709
I swear I never did this.
Ever. Ever.
1320
01:21:14,843 --> 01:21:17,545
But that night, I found myself
1321
01:21:18,613 --> 01:21:20,280
hitting on this kid.
1322
01:21:21,415 --> 01:21:23,651
I mean,
he wasn't a child by any means,
1323
01:21:23,785 --> 01:21:25,152
but he was definitely...
1324
01:21:26,253 --> 01:21:29,890
He was-- he was not old enough
1325
01:21:30,023 --> 01:21:31,992
for me to be flirting with,
and--
1326
01:21:32,926 --> 01:21:36,397
and I remember staring at
these bushes in the backyard,
1327
01:21:36,531 --> 01:21:37,599
and, um...
1328
01:21:38,733 --> 01:21:40,000
Um...
1329
01:21:42,369 --> 01:21:44,806
Back when I was a kid, there
was
this little neighbor girl
1330
01:21:44,938 --> 01:21:49,476
who was younger than me--
like, six-- and...
1331
01:21:50,244 --> 01:21:54,047
one time, I-- I led her
into those bushes
1332
01:21:54,181 --> 01:21:57,184
and we... played doctor.
1333
01:21:57,685 --> 01:22:01,723
But after she pulled down her
pants, she got really scared.
1334
01:22:01,856 --> 01:22:04,391
She just ran away
1335
01:22:05,192 --> 01:22:06,594
and never came back.
1336
01:22:07,127 --> 01:22:09,864
So I was at the party and
this kid was flirting with me,
1337
01:22:09,997 --> 01:22:11,599
and-- and I-- I...
1338
01:22:12,466 --> 01:22:14,968
I remember looking at
those bushes and...
1339
01:22:15,102 --> 01:22:18,105
-Did you take him there?
-No! No, no, no. I...
1340
01:22:19,273 --> 01:22:21,609
I almost did, but I...
1341
01:22:23,912 --> 01:22:24,978
I kind of...
1342
01:22:25,780 --> 01:22:32,219
I, like, staggered over
to them and I fell into them.
1343
01:22:34,254 --> 01:22:35,956
And I-- I remember
1344
01:22:36,925 --> 01:22:40,160
laying there and looking up at
those same fucking bushes
1345
01:22:40,294 --> 01:22:45,199
that I had made that girl
take her pants off in,
1346
01:22:47,702 --> 01:22:48,969
and I just...
1347
01:22:49,904 --> 01:22:51,371
I knew that
1348
01:22:52,172 --> 01:22:55,976
I had-- I had to get away, or...
1349
01:22:57,779 --> 01:23:00,748
or I was-- I was gonna
turn into one of them.
1350
01:23:01,916 --> 01:23:06,253
Like, a-- a monster.
1351
01:23:13,427 --> 01:23:16,296
And so I-- I got myself a cab
1352
01:23:16,430 --> 01:23:20,100
and I got to the airport
and I flew away.
1353
01:23:21,636 --> 01:23:24,739
-Where'd you go?
-I went to Kristen's.
1354
01:23:27,809 --> 01:23:30,077
She got it more than
anyone else, you know?
1355
01:23:30,210 --> 01:23:31,478
Just needing to...
1356
01:23:33,113 --> 01:23:36,416
take a break
from that whole world.
1357
01:23:38,185 --> 01:23:43,290
Um, I mean, I-- I think,
1358
01:23:44,526 --> 01:23:45,593
like, I--
1359
01:23:46,260 --> 01:23:48,495
I really fucking think that I--
1360
01:23:49,129 --> 01:23:51,265
I saved my own life that night.
1361
01:23:54,636 --> 01:23:55,703
And I...
1362
01:23:56,470 --> 01:23:59,439
I'd be lying if I said
I didn't have regrets, or...
1363
01:24:02,309 --> 01:24:04,579
maybe think my dad was right.
1364
01:24:07,047 --> 01:24:08,315
That I blew it.
1365
01:24:10,618 --> 01:24:11,686
Um...
1366
01:24:33,608 --> 01:24:34,676
Nic.
1367
01:24:36,176 --> 01:24:37,444
Yeah?
1368
01:24:42,817 --> 01:24:44,719
At the wedding,
1369
01:24:45,954 --> 01:24:49,189
I danced with you like that
1370
01:24:50,223 --> 01:24:53,260
because I wanted him
to punish me.
1371
01:25:00,868 --> 01:25:02,135
When--
1372
01:25:03,871 --> 01:25:06,641
when I was writing about him,
I was remembering all the pain,
1373
01:25:06,774 --> 01:25:09,443
and I couldn't really help
but remember all the rest,
1374
01:25:09,577 --> 01:25:15,583
and I wanted my second book
to be about that,
1375
01:25:15,950 --> 01:25:20,755
about all the secrets shit
that he smeared on me.
1376
01:25:21,656 --> 01:25:23,825
But I, uh...
1377
01:25:26,126 --> 01:25:28,763
I just lost my nerve, and I...
1378
01:25:31,198 --> 01:25:32,767
You know, it showed.
1379
01:25:32,900 --> 01:25:38,773
People were just disappointed
at shit that I wrote,
1380
01:25:38,906 --> 01:25:42,043
and so at the wedding,
1381
01:25:42,476 --> 01:25:46,313
I decided to throw myself
back into the lion's den.
1382
01:25:46,446 --> 01:25:52,252
And I thought
if I could just experience it
1383
01:25:53,921 --> 01:25:55,623
as an adult...
1384
01:26:00,227 --> 01:26:01,896
Then maybe
I could understand it.
1385
01:26:03,031 --> 01:26:04,297
Finally.
1386
01:26:05,667 --> 01:26:09,503
But it made things
so much worse.
1387
01:26:11,773 --> 01:26:16,410
Because I had always
felt, uh, complicit.
1388
01:26:17,477 --> 01:26:19,580
But I could justify it
1389
01:26:19,714 --> 01:26:23,918
and-- and say that I was
a kid or a teenager, but...
1390
01:26:32,192 --> 01:26:33,695
I was an adult.
1391
01:26:38,166 --> 01:26:43,705
And I am trying to
1392
01:26:45,338 --> 01:26:47,407
reconcile with that fact,
1393
01:26:49,476 --> 01:26:51,344
and I keep...
1394
01:26:52,914 --> 01:26:53,981
failing.
1395
01:27:00,922 --> 01:27:02,355
So there you have it.
1396
01:27:02,489 --> 01:27:07,427
That's my...
secretest of secret shit.
1397
01:27:17,538 --> 01:27:18,806
Uh...
1398
01:27:20,373 --> 01:27:21,642
Yeah.
1399
01:27:23,410 --> 01:27:24,679
Maybe--
1400
01:27:26,013 --> 01:27:28,583
maybe we could go
take a walk or something.
1401
01:27:29,416 --> 01:27:32,153
- Mmm.
- I, um...
1402
01:27:34,589 --> 01:27:37,324
I'm feeling a little fried
from the...
1403
01:27:37,457 --> 01:27:39,794
fighting the nerve endings
or whatever.
1404
01:27:39,927 --> 01:27:41,495
I, uh...
1405
01:27:43,097 --> 01:27:44,799
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go pee,
1406
01:27:44,932 --> 01:27:46,000
and then...
1407
01:27:46,567 --> 01:27:49,637
we can go get some
fresh, non-traumatized air.
1408
01:27:51,438 --> 01:27:52,974
Okay.
1409
01:28:12,627 --> 01:28:14,427
Nic, your phone is ringing.
1410
01:28:20,668 --> 01:28:22,302
It's Kristen.
Do you want me to get it?
1411
01:28:22,435 --> 01:28:24,772
No.
No, I'll be right down.
1412
01:29:08,216 --> 01:29:11,819
I danced with you like that
1413
01:29:12,687 --> 01:29:17,024
because I wanted him
to punish me.
1414
01:29:17,158 --> 01:29:20,194
When I was writing about him,
I was remembering all the pain,
1415
01:29:20,328 --> 01:29:22,997
and I couldn't really help
but remember all the rest,
1416
01:29:23,130 --> 01:29:28,970
and I wanted my second book
to be about that,
1417
01:29:29,103 --> 01:29:34,075
about all the secrets shit
that he smeared on me.
1418
01:29:34,775 --> 01:29:39,479
But I, uh...
I just lost my nerve, and I...
1419
01:29:40,081 --> 01:29:41,716
You know, it showed--
1420
01:29:44,252 --> 01:29:46,854
Look...
1421
01:29:47,420 --> 01:29:48,890
I've been so careful.
1422
01:29:49,422 --> 01:29:51,993
I've been so careful
1423
01:29:52,459 --> 01:29:56,697
not to record you when you
don't wanna be recorded, and...
1424
01:29:56,831 --> 01:29:59,000
I mean, I-- I wasn't
gonna do anything with it.
1425
01:29:59,133 --> 01:30:00,568
-What was this for?
-I just-- It was, like--
1426
01:30:00,701 --> 01:30:02,970
I mean...
1427
01:30:03,738 --> 01:30:05,506
I was gonna-- I was--
1428
01:30:05,973 --> 01:30:09,243
I was gonna maybe use it
for the show as, like, um...
1429
01:30:09,744 --> 01:30:12,680
like, a proof of concept
sort of thing.
1430
01:30:12,813 --> 01:30:14,982
You know, only if you liked it.
1431
01:30:16,884 --> 01:30:19,486
Which, obviously, you don't.
So, I, uh...
1432
01:30:19,620 --> 01:30:22,823
You were gonna use this
as a proof of concept?
1433
01:30:22,957 --> 01:30:24,091
Um...
1434
01:30:24,225 --> 01:30:27,028
You know, I-- I, uh, I thought--
1435
01:30:27,161 --> 01:30:29,830
I didn't--
I didn't think that...
1436
01:30:29,964 --> 01:30:33,868
And-- and all that stuff?
All that stuff. What was that?
1437
01:30:34,168 --> 01:30:39,206
The-- the seducing me and
the-- and the manipulating me,
1438
01:30:39,340 --> 01:30:40,875
-was that...
-No.
1439
01:30:41,474 --> 01:30:42,543
I'm--
1440
01:30:43,010 --> 01:30:45,313
It might have
started out that way,
1441
01:30:45,445 --> 01:30:47,447
but then, I mean, obviously
something real happened.
1442
01:30:47,581 --> 01:30:50,685
It-- I came into it thinking
it would be good practice,
1443
01:30:50,818 --> 01:30:52,086
but then I thought that--
1444
01:30:52,219 --> 01:30:54,055
You were seducing me
for practice?
1445
01:30:54,188 --> 01:30:56,924
I mean, at first, but then--
Look, can you give me the--
1446
01:30:57,058 --> 01:30:58,859
This is such
a fucking violation--
1447
01:30:58,993 --> 01:31:00,861
-Can you give me the phone?
-Nic, get away.
1448
01:31:08,569 --> 01:31:11,572
Do you have any idea
what you just did?
1449
01:31:12,206 --> 01:31:13,641
I, um...
1450
01:31:15,776 --> 01:31:18,846
I-- I just-- I-- I didn't
think there was any harm
1451
01:31:18,980 --> 01:31:20,480
-in recording it.
-No, why would you?
1452
01:31:20,614 --> 01:31:22,016
You're a cis white man.
1453
01:31:22,149 --> 01:31:23,718
No accountability for jack shit.
Why would you?
1454
01:31:23,851 --> 01:31:25,786
It's just that you have
all the cards here.
1455
01:31:25,920 --> 01:31:28,589
-What cards?
-You have-- you have this.
1456
01:31:28,723 --> 01:31:29,724
-That?
-You know?
1457
01:31:29,857 --> 01:31:31,491
That is reference audio
1458
01:31:32,526 --> 01:31:34,128
that you gave me consent for!
1459
01:31:34,261 --> 01:31:36,397
Because we're
writing a book together.
1460
01:31:36,530 --> 01:31:37,732
-Yeah.
-As partners.
1461
01:31:37,865 --> 01:31:39,367
Or we were
writing a book together.
1462
01:31:39,499 --> 01:31:41,435
Wait, we still are.
You can't just quit like that--
1463
01:31:41,569 --> 01:31:42,803
Fuck!
1464
01:31:42,937 --> 01:31:44,005
Okay.
1465
01:31:52,313 --> 01:31:56,784
You wouldn't know a boundary if
it hit you in the fucking face.
1466
01:31:57,084 --> 01:31:58,152
Okay.
1467
01:31:58,719 --> 01:32:01,088
Okay. We're-- we're--
we're done here.
1468
01:32:01,222 --> 01:32:03,958
-No, Priya, please.
-This is what we're gonna do.
1469
01:32:04,091 --> 01:32:07,261
We are going to
unlock this phone,
1470
01:32:07,395 --> 01:32:09,630
and we are going to
delete this video.
1471
01:32:09,764 --> 01:32:10,931
I don't--
1472
01:32:11,399 --> 01:32:13,434
-I don't think we need to--
-Nic, listen to me.
1473
01:32:13,567 --> 01:32:17,038
Will you please
unlock this phone?
1474
01:32:25,846 --> 01:32:27,581
-I'm sorry.
-Okay.
1475
01:32:28,382 --> 01:32:29,817
It's deleted.
1476
01:32:30,317 --> 01:32:31,552
Yeah.
1477
01:33:38,719 --> 01:33:40,921
Listen...
1478
01:33:44,425 --> 01:33:45,693
Hello?
1479
01:33:47,495 --> 01:33:49,063
Yeah, it is Priya.
1480
01:33:49,196 --> 01:33:50,731
Um, I know you've been
trying to reach me,
1481
01:33:50,865 --> 01:33:52,867
but I actually don't wanna s--
1482
01:33:53,701 --> 01:33:56,704
Oh. Um... Oh, okay.
1483
01:33:58,739 --> 01:34:00,941
Sounds good.
That is a good option.
1484
01:34:01,610 --> 01:34:04,845
Um, yeah, I think we should
go ahead and do that.
1485
01:34:06,814 --> 01:34:08,749
Next-- Thank you.
That'd be great.
1486
01:34:08,883 --> 01:34:10,784
Okay, thank you so much.
1487
01:34:11,520 --> 01:34:12,786
Okay, bye.
1488
01:34:13,588 --> 01:34:14,855
Was that the home?
1489
01:34:17,358 --> 01:34:21,128
Turns out there is
a single room that's available.
1490
01:34:21,795 --> 01:34:23,397
Waiting list was long, so.
1491
01:34:24,064 --> 01:34:27,101
He might as well be comfortable
while I'm not visiting him.
1492
01:34:28,802 --> 01:34:31,338
I mean,
he doesn't deserve it, but...
1493
01:34:32,139 --> 01:34:34,175
yeah, I guess
let him be comfortable.
1494
01:34:36,010 --> 01:34:39,813
Oh, Nic. Who are we
to say who deserves what?
1495
01:34:44,818 --> 01:34:46,086
Listen...
1496
01:34:47,254 --> 01:34:51,325
I feel like you've spent
all weekend, like,
1497
01:34:52,059 --> 01:34:54,663
trying to find the worst shit
that happened to me
1498
01:34:54,795 --> 01:34:58,065
so that you can link it to my
modeling career and my sex life.
1499
01:34:58,199 --> 01:35:01,435
Like, you're-- you're trying
to find the source of my defect,
1500
01:35:01,570 --> 01:35:02,637
but...
1501
01:35:03,538 --> 01:35:06,941
I don't know, I-- I don't
really think that I'm defective.
1502
01:35:08,242 --> 01:35:10,144
And... for what it's worth,
1503
01:35:10,277 --> 01:35:12,780
I don't really think
that you're defective either.
1504
01:35:14,982 --> 01:35:16,250
I just...
1505
01:35:17,318 --> 01:35:23,057
I hope you can detach that from
what happened with your dad.
1506
01:35:23,658 --> 01:35:27,828
'Cause, I mean, you gotta
allow yourself pleasure.
1507
01:35:28,796 --> 01:35:30,764
No matter what happened before.
1508
01:35:41,742 --> 01:35:42,810
Look,
1509
01:35:43,678 --> 01:35:47,248
I know that I've-- I've
fucked this whole thing up,
1510
01:35:47,381 --> 01:35:48,816
and I'm--
1511
01:35:49,718 --> 01:35:51,986
I'm really, hugely,
1512
01:35:53,020 --> 01:35:55,122
ridiculously sorry.
1513
01:36:00,494 --> 01:36:01,730
But...
1514
01:36:03,063 --> 01:36:05,299
I'm not really sorry
about the other stuff.
1515
01:36:07,868 --> 01:36:09,436
And I hope you aren't either.
1516
01:36:14,308 --> 01:36:15,376
I, uh...
1517
01:36:16,310 --> 01:36:17,945
Even if our book
doesn't happen--
1518
01:36:18,078 --> 01:36:19,947
which I think
would be a real shame--
1519
01:36:20,080 --> 01:36:23,183
that other book that you keep
not writing,
1520
01:36:23,317 --> 01:36:27,788
the-- the secretest
of the secret shit one?
1521
01:36:28,922 --> 01:36:31,025
I think that
would be a great book.
1522
01:36:37,097 --> 01:36:38,533
Thank you, Nic.
1523
01:36:39,166 --> 01:36:40,434
I'd buy it.
1524
01:36:40,934 --> 01:36:42,870
Yes,
but would you read it?
1525
01:36:46,073 --> 01:36:47,474
Can't promise you on that.
1526
01:36:50,844 --> 01:36:52,479
I don't know...
1527
01:36:53,213 --> 01:36:58,118
It's kind of freeing to see
that you have your own shit,
1528
01:36:58,819 --> 01:37:00,387
just like everybody does.
1529
01:37:01,021 --> 01:37:02,890
You find that freeing?
1530
01:37:05,159 --> 01:37:06,661
I find it depressing.
1531
01:37:07,995 --> 01:37:12,833
-You look kind of depressed.
-Yeah, my life's a fucking mess.
1532
01:37:15,603 --> 01:37:17,137
So your life's a mess.
1533
01:37:18,640 --> 01:37:19,907
So what?
1534
01:37:21,576 --> 01:37:26,313
Maybe it's not about going from
being broken to being fixed.
1535
01:37:29,751 --> 01:37:31,452
Maybe it's about, like...
1536
01:37:33,287 --> 01:37:38,526
going from broken to being
okay with-- with being broken.
1537
01:37:48,402 --> 01:37:51,405
Pretty astute for
a bag boy from Peoria.
1538
01:37:52,239 --> 01:37:54,475
Metaphorical Peoria.
1539
01:37:59,647 --> 01:38:02,416
-I think I'm all talked out.
-Me too.
1540
01:38:05,152 --> 01:38:08,122
You know what?
I've got another idea.
1541
01:38:08,255 --> 01:38:11,225
Oh, Nic, no. I'm sorry,
whatever you're thinking--
1542
01:38:11,358 --> 01:38:13,093
I'm actually-- I'm not
thinking at all, actually.
1543
01:38:13,227 --> 01:38:14,495
I think "Fuck thinking."
1544
01:38:14,629 --> 01:38:17,599
I think "Fuck thinking,
fuck talking."
1545
01:38:17,732 --> 01:38:19,166
Come on.
1546
01:38:20,835 --> 01:38:22,570
-Come on.
-Oh, no.
1547
01:38:22,704 --> 01:38:26,407
You're the one who wants
to live more in your body.
1548
01:38:27,374 --> 01:38:29,544
Come on, Priya.
Remember how free
1549
01:38:29,677 --> 01:38:32,413
you used to feel
on the dance floor?
1550
01:38:35,717 --> 01:38:38,986
You're missing out.
1551
01:38:43,758 --> 01:38:45,492
Come on, Priya!
1552
01:38:45,627 --> 01:38:49,196
Just... let go.