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- Hmm...
...ehm.
My entrance into this space was a little surprising.
As I entered as it were, through the dungeon,
or the sadomasochistic part of my sexuality and BDSM culture.
But something changed inside me by being so completely broken down
by the power dynamic of a romantic relationship,
and I think that wound opened something up that I still don't understand.
I could tell it simply,
I had no cheeks left to turn.
But then there was passion.
- Liz could you blindfold Maja?
It would still take me years to realise that it wasn’t for you.
That I myself, and my longings trapped me in your violence.
Don’t worry.
I am not about to thank you for the scars that make me who I am now,
for cracking me in places where light would later leak in.
Only you still have to live with yourself.
Perhaps one day,
you will forgive me.
Mary?
I would like to talk to you about longing.
- About longing?
We have talked about that a lot.
I guess what I feel is that we come into this world with longing.
It's a paradox, all the great truths are paradoxes,
that we are both sent out to the world and with a longing back.
We have a mission on this earth but we always have within us a longing.
And what we discover, and I think that is why you
went in to your whole spiritual journey,
is that there is nothing on this earth, that satisfies that longing.
- What is that longing or that hunger?
- Yes, it’s a hunger. And I usually say when we have a communion service,
that the hunger in you is the hunger in me.
Your fundamental dimension is the same as mine,
that every human being has a longing for wholeness.
God is wholeness.
So we of course mirror that longing for wholeness to be back home again.
And there is the paradox. We long to be back home
but at the same time we are being sent out.
So it’s to walk that balance line in life.
- There is something about the sound of a padlock clicking,
that makes me feel like I'm losing power and control.
It almost feels like my pulse is slowing down. For me it's almost as if... uh.
It's a little bit like landing. I don't know what to compare it to.
But through the pain, I want to get closer to what I call a black hole.
And to feel secure enough with Master, to allow myself to turn around
and just let myself fall.
I escaped it all, with you.
My place of Holy.
I could live for your pleasure alone.
My own liberation project, right there on the tip of my tongue.
Maybe I was longing for a child, and you were longing for a mother?
We should have known this would be violent.
We did know, but knowing has little to do with it.
I know you lie, but I believe you.
Believe that you don’t want to control me, just yourself.
I just happen to be a part of you now.
You hurt me from the wounds of your ancient past,
which never got the chance to heal,
so of course I forgive you.
You never asked to carry that pain.
They say truth is subjective,
that there are many true sides to every story.
So why shouldn’t I believe only in yours?
Because if there is a true story
in which my boundaries were respected,
my consent required,
where I was never slapped in the face, never shamed or put down,
never exposed to psychological violence in order to submit to someone else’s fear.
Where there are things you just don’t do to people you love.
Then I want that so badly to be my story.
I’ll happily abandon my own truth to believe in it.
We teach ourselves to think before we act.
What a violent idea.
- I have been engaged to my fiancé Daniel since forever.
He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is my rock, my angel, my...
...he is everything to me. I can't imagine who I'd be without him.
I wouldn't say I am dependent on him, but actually, that is exactly what I am.
I would feel completely amputated without Daniel.
It's weird even talking about it as a possibility. Oops, as you can see,
it makes me shaky just speaking about it.
This autumn we will have been together for ten years.
We have been engaged for half of that time.
We live together in Stockholm.
He travels a lot through work and I also travel a lot as a freelancer.
I'm a performer, dancer, singer and actor.
In addition to that, for two years now I have been,
contracted as a slave to my Master, Master Vince.
- I was a workaholic for ten years and my job was quite cruel.
I took over teams that didn't work, and made sure that they worked.
They had a lot of overtime, so I cut down on overtime.
I automatised stuff and I offshored, and I fired approximately 250 people, personally.
I took the job because I thought somebody has to do it and I am kind of a nice guy,
I thought...
But then it started to become something else, and I became cruel and I didn't recognise myself.
There is a lot of office politricks, and a lot of domination and stuff in the bank.
More than people know of.
And when I quit I understood that I had a need to control.
So when I lost that I understood it was sexual.
But that scared me, because then it means I have to accept who I am.
And that means I am one of those, you know, that you've heard about in life.
These weirdos, these sadists. These guys into SM play and...
into all this 'role play', which for me was never a role play.
For me it was real, and I felt the need for it.
- When I met Daniel ten years ago, I was only nineteen and only looking for security.
And that was exactly what Daniel gave me.
But sexuality changes over time, especially when you are nineteen.
I realised pretty soon that I was far from finished.
- To start from the beginning, everything that was strange was beyond my limits.
But then I recall Micke saying that he was curious about a place called SLM in Stockholm.
He wanted to check it out, and that is how it all started, I think.
So we went there to see what it was all about, and he became more interested in it than me.
But we went there a few times and tried things out together in the beginning.
It was a slow process you could say.
- Come here.
Come here.
I’m on my knees now.
I beg you to give me a box.
It can be as small as your ability to feel safe.
I will learn.
To double up and squeeze it all in.
To breathe short breaths until the air runs out.
For you.
A moment's breath away from this life, where Love is God and you are my whole congregation.
Where sex is our church,
and you as the head of all my holy places, are judging my heavens.
I wish you could put me on a leash.
It can be as short as the distance between your fear and my desire.
I can walk that line freely.
As you control my every step only at the end of that rope.
I want you to cause me pain.
A pain I can bear, leaving scars I can heal.
A rest on this cross,
as here it’s my right to say stop.
If you could only give me a box. As narrow as your mind,
as closed as my heart, as locked as this marriage,
that’s ok. I died for you already.
But inside of it,
I want to be absolutely...
...free.
- In terms of pain... when you are in a romantic relationship,
I found it hard and felt a clear limit, here, but no further.
Because then I would feel bad from hurting someone, especially Micke,
so I had to stop there.
- Without submission, pain is rather meaningless to me.
I need a power shift in a psychological sense, which I had no interest experiencing with Daniel.
We had a good, and still have a very good relationship, without any power shift.
Daniel is not naturally dominant in that sense.
We hit the wall and were forced to realise that nobody can be everything.
- To have sex and only sex with someone, that's one thing.
But this is about so much more in addition to that.
Like many others, I used to think sex belonged within the relationship.
But I have changed my opinion on that.
And having had a glimpse of that world, I could see that it is only a small part,
there is so much more they are seeking,
that I have no interest in.
- Thank you Sir.
I’m in a church when it happens,
faking my right to take part in Holy Communion.
They say everyone is welcome.
I am just playing a game but something breaks.
My truth, or yours if you like, eludes me.
Shifts to somewhere so deep inside or far beyond, I don’t even try to understand it.
Since I’m playing, I call it God.
For a moment I can feel my feelings, I am full of pain and for the first time in years I cry.
Limited by this game, I don’t have to face me, all at once.
Without it, I have not been able to face myself at all.
Is there space for someone like me in this religion?
Take me to the water.
- It became clear to me, what a great human being Daniel is.
I sometimes felt that he sacrificed parts of himself for my sake.
As I said before, we realised that one person can't be everything.
But when Daniel accepted Master, it felt like he could actually be everything.
Because whatever he couldn't do himself, he made sure someone else could.
He took responsibility for me getting what I needed, afterall.
At first glance I see violence.
I give you all the benefits of my doubts, to imagine the transcendent glory you talk about.
Would you do the same for me?
What I see as good, looks like your picture of evil.
Indeed, one could argue I’m a son of the Devil, and who am I to know the difference?
I do know that your acts of 'kindness' have deeply wounded the likes of me.
Hate the sin not the sinner, love the sinner but deny them their human rights.
Pray the gay away. Genesis as the creation myth for patriarchy.
A new world about the power of one master, one man.
An excuse to oppress women, to rape and plunder.
Why should I even touch it with gloved hands?
- She's with this crowd of people
and she hears that this man Jesus is there.
And she touches the hem of his garment,
and Jesus says to her,
'Your faith is great.'
Did her faith consist of any dogma?
Had she read any Jewish scripture?
Of course not!
What does she come with?
Her vulnerability.
Her absolute utter powerlessness.
And Jesus calls her powerlessness for what?
Faith!
It is the basis of faith.
God enters through the cracks of our lives. God enters at the wound.
To be a human being like you and me and the rest of us,
that is to be continually limited.
To be a human being is never to feel completely, 'Now I've got it.'
No, we are all limited human beings.
In time, we are all going to die, and also in clarity.
What we get on this earth are glimpses of what the church calls grace.
Of a love that enfolds us, glimpses of it.
'Speak from your scars not your wounds, ' they say.
So for years, I've kept quiet.
'You can’t change your mind, but your mind can be changed by experience.'
'You don’t change unless it hurts.'
Bring on the pain!
'Ask and you shall receive.'
Be careful what you ask for.
My own brain blinding me with pain.
My body shuts down.
Days and days torn into sharp colours.
Into this mess of thoughts and dreams I roll in and out of.
In and out of hospital.
My flesh falls off me.
No eyes.
Not to be stimulated but throwing up from over stimulation.
Forgotten pasts floating to the surface as real as the pain behind my eyes.
Stitch an angel on my back!
My dreams are stories I don’t understand but somehow understood by.
I hear myself whisper in my sleep,
'Trust the blue at night' may your voice only be fairytales,
it tells me.
They scan my brain and put needles in my spine.
I need you to hold my hand in the dark.
But your hands are so full of your own fear,
the only way you can hold me now, is to hold me down.
I pass the point where I can’t take it anymore,
but I am no longer afraid.
Or perhaps I'm afraid enough to leave you.
My body was my limit.
You could say, I've ran out of cheeks.
- So we woun’t have so much time to talk.
We are all here to make this ritual for Maja.
But since you are all here, I also wanted to tell you about a new film idea I have.
Practicing BDSM is a way to build up a room.
Where you know what will happen, what the boundaries are and you can let go.
Somehow working and making films is similar to creating this room.
When I gather my actors we talk about exactly what we will do
and where our limits are.
And it helps us to come super close somehow.
Maja can you come?
- Now, already?
- Yes, we want to bring you in now!
- To talk by the table? - Yes, maybe we could...
You can have a seat.
- All right!
My main thing is that I want to change my position.
And it's not just my position relating to what you were talking about in your film,
not just the position within BDSM, but my position in life.
I want a shift. I need a shift!
- From what to what?
- From having been very dominated. It's a reclaiming of myself.
And in terms of BDSM I want to go from a submissive to a dominant position.
- How much experience do you have as a submissive? - Not very much experience.
A little bit. I came to BDSM about a year ago, but I have taken it very very slowly.
- Okay.
Is there anything that we should know that is a hard limit for you?
- Yes, there are a lot of hard limits.
I don't want us to draw blood. I have given permission to Liz to scratch my skin.
And we have talked about the flogging, we took away the cane.
I don’t want to be actively psychologically humiliated.
I said yes to the collar, and to be on my knees and to walk on my knees.
But I don't want to be spoken down to. - Yeah okay.
Anything else physical? Places not to touch?
- Yeah my feet. - Ah? Okay!
- And no face slapping, right? - And no face slapping!
Don’t die now. Die on a high!
When you have lost your mind you still have your body to rely on.
- This is a ritual, that you have asked for
so everything we do is an extension of your desire for yourself.
This is a gift from us to you, but also from you to yourself.
We will use the stop light green, yellow, red.
And 'red' we'll stop immediately.
Remember that this is what you asked for and we're here because this is what you want.
Do you agree? - Yes.
- Don’t speak about God as a noun, a person, a place or a thing.
God is always a verb.
And when we are longning,
participating in inspiration and being together.
We sense that this is holy ground.
The sense of holy ground.
- Breath!
Children playing.
And they develop some kind of rituals.
‘Let's make dinner’ okay?
And then they make dinner out of their sand, and they are learning how to live.
They know that it's play. They know it's ritual.
- Open!
- I would like to have the same perspective on the Christian rituals.
- Try to keep them open.
- I don't really believe that it's Jesus' blood and his body like a goddamn cannibal.
But there is value in this metaphor.
To live really is to play.
- Make a wish for this year.
- The work I am doing is creating a community for me.
It’s a way for me to create some kind of family.
It’s a way for me to create...
...to not be so lonely actually. It is.
That I would have been if I didn't make films,
Because in my everyday life I have to protect myself so much.
- Keys, mobile...
...wallet.
- Where do you want it to put it's bag Sir?
- Right there.
- In a relationship of slave and master.
There can be something good in that, if you learn that by God, nobody is a master
and no one is a slave. We are playing these parts
because there is something going on here, which I would call God.
You wouldn't be doing the things you are doing, if you didn’t have
an enormous hunger for truth and peace.
And that movement, that occurrence, is God in you.
- The first sessions were amazing. Feeling the adrenaline rush.
Feeling like the king of the world.
Feeling dominant and powerful without the guilt, without the shame.
Me knowing that he consents to this.
That this is pure, and that he enjoys this as well.
And that he wants to do this with me.
Before I started with BDSM, I didn’t know the boundaries,
so it was all about guilt.
I wanted to do this, so I did it, and then I felt guilty afterwards.
I was ashamed of myself. Who am I? So on and so forth.
But here, my submissive, my slave, sets all the boundaries.
And when I knew where the boundaries were, that was freedom, maximum freedom.
Because then I know my play area.
I know what’s mine. What I control.
And what I am not allowed to control.
- How to be a beginner dominant? - But do you know what you like?
Why do you want to do this?
- Ahem...
The little bits of practice that I've had, has released something in me
that I want to understand. And a space where I want to be.
I want to come back there.
You find people's light by stepping into their dark.
I guess I had enough wounds and cracks for you to enter without force.
I thought I was safe, inviting you to such a clearly limited part of me.
Step into my darkness,
come into my light.
I want to put you in a box.
It will be small enough for you to feel safe with walls you have built.
Containing desires you wish to explore.
Where you breathe at my mercy and I can protect you from, everyone else.
- I want you to put me in a box.
Small enough for me to feel safe, with walls I have built.
Containing desires I ache to explore.
Steady on pillars of my own bravery.
I breathe at your mercy and you protect me from everyone else.
- I want to cause you pain.
- I want you to cause me pain.
- To hit you hard enough for you to surrender to me.
- Let me bare the pain, for you.
- And I will at that point carry all your past sufferings.
I want to put you in a box.
- I want you to put me in a box.
- Where you are mine and I do as I please, and I please you.
And I name you salt.
- Because it is the best thing you know.
I wear it with pride
and plead for you to keep it, safely in a box.
- So outside of it, you can remain absolutely free.
I listened back to her reading and she is being punished when she gets it wrong.
It was really beautiful in the moment
but when I listened to it it sounded so brutal.
And I had a really strong reaction of both wanting to protect her
and also that I was a totally worthless human being.
You don’t do that to other people!
- For me I need to take care of my slave afterwards and make sure he feels ok,
and I need to get that reassurance that it's not abuse.
But I mean, there are a lot of things that are similar.
You are in a power position and you use that power.
That's what men in high positions do, use their power to have sex or...
or get a kick out of abusing someone.
There are some similarities. - Yes.
And the difference is the consent I suppose. - Exactly.
- Sex with consent can be wonderful, sex without consent is rape.
- Exactly. - It's an enormous difference.
- Are you okay?
- Yes, Madame.
To be here with you feels like coming home.
Here, our wounds are the source of pleasure. Pain is a chance to heal.
All our damage - gold.
So how do I keep hold of my own drop in this endless ocean?
- Yes, this reminds me of when I used to work at the funeral home.
It worked especially with people that could not have an open casket.
Or that could not wear their clothes, for whatever reason.
They were usually covered with a white fabric.
The point where BDSM merges with death
is when there is a symbiosis between the submissive person,
who is somehow abandoning their body
and surrenders it to you. Just like when someone dies
and has somehow abandoned their body,
and that body will be treated by an embalmer.
In my case as a dominatrix,
a person decides to leave their body,
decides to abandon it and put it in my hands.
And I have to somehow take care of that body.
I see BDSM from a very spiritual point of view.
And I think feeling pain and inflicting pain on someone else,
leads to a state of abandonment of the mind.
To a state of a deep void.
Which is what motivates me in BDSM.
Can this be a safe space to keep my passion away from my own destruction?
To give that inner space to God, not people?
I want a grown-up negotiation, if we don’t fit we don’t commit.
Please negotiate with me!
- Mary, can you help me button this? - Yes, let us hope.
I can't see anything... there.
Voila! - Thank you!
- Today I'm going to represent death and resurrection.
A little differently.
Because we begin by preparing the body.
Then trough asphyxiation we want to represent death,
and through pain, awaken him little by little.
All this in a ritualistic manner like a new awakening.
I think it's a very interesting practise because it's not a very intense pain.
But you have to establish trust between the person
that is being asphyxiated and the one asphyxiating.
You’re actually putting your life
in the hands of someone else.
Between God and a lover, the dungeon and the church.
Through pleasure and pain I cross through my middle.
Like the sound of two trains meeting in a tunnel
I call myself.
I give myself permission to fall.
How ironic it may sound when I'm standing here today, I find it harder to reconcile
my Christian passions than my sexual passions with my image of God.
But as Mary pointed out in one of our many conversations, there is a connection
between spirituality and sexuality in passion,
that longing which pulls you beyond your own logic even if it hurts you.
A longing for something more or greater that resonates with something deep inside you.
- Look at me!
- Maja Borg. I baptize you today.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
May you walk with God, as God walks with you.
On your forehead and all your thoughts, Maja.
On your lips and all your words, Maja.
On your heart, and all your love and passion.
- I think there comes a time
when a person puts you under pressure
when you end up admiring that person.
You end up loving that person, you see her as a Goddess or God.
In that moment I think it's like someone manages
to make you feel certain sensations
that make you admire them and abandon
any physical sensation you may have.
- But my God melts away from me
like ‘false Florimells’ before my eyes.
- And since then you have had a hard time dominating?
- Yes, connecting to anything.
- Connecting to anything?
Being a dominant without connecting is tough.
It won't work.
But have you played with someone that didn't witness the ceremony?
- No.
- Because that act is...
You are submitting to God, and to your beliefs and you're also...
...showing yourself as a vulnerable individual. You stood there kind of on trial as well.
It's easier to come out as a lesbian, it's easier to come out as a BDSM practitioner,
than to come out as a Christian. - Yeah.
- Maybe that act was too powerful?
Because when you...
This is just in my head..
You charged in, you wanted this and you were prepared to defend yourself towards...
defend your BDSM activity.
And there, someone just opens up their arms and says 'You are welcome, I love you.' Right?
And that just totally...
...disarms you. - Yes.
- Which is cruel in a way, isn't it?
You want the pain, but I can't take the hurting.
They say, in that which you place your trust is in fact your God.
I’ve worked hard to gain your trust and now it is,
heavy.
For the first time I miss being controlled.
With shame I acknowledge that part of me adored having power exercised over me.
It was a relief to have someone more important than myself to live for.
I am longing for that now,
trying to submit to a fantasy.
- Shall I lie down so you can see... - Do they lie down here also?
- Yeah I lie down here.
- Do you know exactly where?
Are they both laying down?
- Yes, at one point they are both laying down. In the aftercare.
Billy, can you come and pose?
Like this, they are laying down. - It's perfect!
- Like this. - Oh my God it's perfect.
- I am so afraid of my own power and what I can do with it.
I am afraid of owning my power.
And I think this is what I have been dealing with all my life.
Because I was raised in two different worlds, kind of.
In one world I have been witness to abuse, and the other world
is a very political context.
Learning about power in a left intellectual context,
taught me so much about right and wrong and how it should be.
And the other world showed me how it is when it's not good.
And the worst imaginable way of using power.
I was from a very early stage confronted with different kinds of powers.
I think I’m afraid of becoming the sadist for real.
I'm afraid of having that monster inside of me.
- All I was saying, in my mind I would love to be fisted!
- I would love that! I didn't dare to ask you.
- But I don't know if that would function.
- You don't do it as usual? - Not often, no. Very, very rarely.
- Kate this was in the original script!
- It seems really nice! - But I didn’t want to push you by asking.
But now you brought it up yourself, so...
- It just takes me a while to get there.
That's why I can't really say, but it's a vision that I would really love.
- Me too!
It's nice to portrait somebody having sex and coming.
And this we need to talk about also, because you will be in a very hard position.
- Definitely. - The reason I want you to be fucked in a cross position,
is because in my own experience, this is the most vulnerable situation I can imagine.
- I think that the thing that becomes stressful about it,
is the idea of having to achieve orgasm.
Not necessarily the idea of being open.
Especially with Ambra, I feel very comfortable.
And with the idea of being penetrated or experiencing the fucking.
But if we want to capture a real orgasm, not that it's too stressful, but that's where I feel,
okay, what would help to... If we want to have that as an outcome.
- Obviously I am not avoiding power.
I’m actually going there all the time.
And I put myself in positions where I have...
Where I am the one who should have control, and I am the one who should give people orders.
I think this is the big paradox in my life. And that's why I am obsessed with creating safe spaces.
Because I want to understand how we can work together or live together without hurting each other.
- You have to open the door Micke!
Life is all about the relationships we have with other people.
So one has to experience more than one relationship.
You can't limit someone to make sure they stay.
But if they are free to do what they want, and still chooses to come back to the love we share,
then you know it's real.
- The bond between a Master and a slave is extremely powerful.
And extremely emotional.
The care for one another is very, very strong.
In order for it to work, it's so important to...
I lost track...
When you have created a power dynamic, and a power shift.
When you have this power exchange.
It's not static.
If you have built a dynamic, and you have created it.
It's not gonna stay there forever.
You have to always work in order to keep it.
And sometimes, I mean, I am not perfect.
I am absolutely not perfect.
Sometimes I let go.
And then the shift becomes smaller.
And that is tough. On both of us.
- How do you know if it has become destructive,
or if the shift has gone wrong and is no longer serving you?
What do you do then?
- What I do then?
What I do then, is what I'm doing now actually.
Back to basics.
In play space we are winning,
the boundaries make us endless.
So how am I supposed to contain you?
To love you neatly in a box?
What a cruel and vain paradox, because outside of it,
I still don't know how to set limits without shouting.
I am too triggered to see who is standing right in front of me, and in shame I hear myself lashing out.
Every fibre protecting me, from someone else.
I hurt you from the wounds of my own past.
Wounds I never got a chance to heal without you.
Please don’t forgive that.
- This person like this is Kate
in the cross position.
Could it be that Kate could eat at four?
Because she needs to be fisted at six.
- She's gonna get fucked, and maybe fisted.
I feel that if you keep saying fisted... - Yeah, it's a pressure.
- I am sorry Kate. I hope you don't feel pressured.
- There is no pressure Kate!
Tell me what you need from me? - If she can eat at four?
- Just as we need the community, we need stories that we can relate to.
And... - What happens if you have no stories?
- You are no one.
I think you are no one. You are out of identity.
If you have no stories, you are hanging loose in space
with nothing.
I think stories is what creates us.
All those years ago, when I thought I was giving, perhaps I was taking.
In taking responsibility for you did I take responsibility from you?
And by the time I said stop you were dependent on it?
What happened after is history,
I might some day forgive, but never forget.
Still, I hope you can forgive me for feeding your fear.
For fighting for you against both of us.
You make me face myself and I don’t like what I see.
I need to make my own liberation,
alone.
So I close the door to the dungeon and walk deep into myself.
- Okay, are we getting ready?
- Scene one shot four, take one.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Action.
- In...
...and out.
I find someone willing to dominate me.
But you are not holding me down hard enough
so I push myself down
and I am so triggered, I cannot move.
I freeze and the questions are crystal clear, the past right here.
Why did I not defend myself all those years?
How could I betray myself so fundamentally?
I am full of anger, even hate.
I want to leave but you are calm,
and I’m invited to switch, to stay in this anger that I have always pushed down.
- I have so much built up it's crazy!
- Do you want the vibrator? - Yes.
What do I do now?
How can I ‘play safe’ when I don’t know what will happen?
What if you call red and I can’t stop hitting?
You hold the trust in me that I am lacking, how can you be this brave?
- Yes it's so good in my ass!
I let myself go and what I find is not violence.
I’m suddenly clear to myself, wholly my own.
And from these pure boundaries I can feel your every move,
every thought,
feeling.
I could play you like a song.
In my own body you echoed until we both came, through you.
I never knew that to be limited, to know my own boundaries, would make me feel this big.
- Don't leave me! Don't go out of me!
- Oh my God...
It is in this very moment you walk by.
Our eyes meet and you step right in.
But not through my wounds.
I didn’t know I had other openings.
I am too tired to be hard,
so we don’t play.
Instead we fall asleep and I forget to put my guard up.
The river takes me away.
- salt.
- Yes, Madame?
- Come.
The devil doesn’t exist so don’t serve him.
You can not carry this heavy longing.
- Closer.
No one can.
I was born hungry.
If only the salt had lost it's savour.
The brutality of these chances to heal.
- Madame?
Now that you let me out,
and renounce the responsibility of keeping me safe,
I promise to take good care.
I will remain, without shame, nor fear, nor regret,
tremendously proud, to have been freely...
yours.
- Ready?
It is with all my love,
I now release you.
I need to live in the river, not the sea.
I will meet you there, eventually.
- So this is the crossroad Anneke? Here and here?
And what does that mean?
- The crossroad is an important place for witchery because all the paths are in one.
And it's really interesting to do magic or for meditation.
Because it's a space...
...closer to the veil.
- To the? - To the veil, with the other side.
You disturb my story.
I had found a good ending, a healthy distance,
it was happy enough.
I adored you from the start so I let you stay.
Away.
Sometimes for me in BDSM you go to this space where you are really close to everything
so if you managed to do it perfectly you would have to die,
beacause that would be the only way to take it that step further.
- Yeah sometimes I feel like you are playing with death.
- And you are also playing with the pain stopping. - Yeah...
They say that when you love a part of you dies.
If I could only love, just a little bit less.
To be de-created, that deep dark.
So alluring when life lives so brightly that earthly things collapse.
Like bodies.
Like living arrangements.
Like dreams and hopes and theories of how the world could be a better place.
Has passion ever existed alongside life without destroying it?
I know I prayed but I've changed my mind.
Don’t let me die on this high. Don’t let me surrender!
-It's really hard, this longing is heavy.
Because it translates to a longing to die, and it's not like I don't want to live.
- No. - It's a longing to...
...to dissolve in that connectedness. - You know what I would like to call that?
Because I have it. My homesickness.
- Yes, it's the perfect word. - I long to go home.
It is not until these last years, that I felt quite at home with my homesickness.
And learned that it's become definitive of me. - Yeah.
- I am one who longs to go home.
And at the same time, I can love this life.
It is a gift, becomes a gift. And I used to be so afraid of it, that I would flip out,
and wind up in some psychiatric ward somewhere.
But now I am not afraid of it anymore.
Learn to love that feeling. Because that is who you are!
- That is hard because what happens if I in any way lose control?
Does that mean I will kill myself? - Lose control of what?
That homesickness. It tells us who we are.
So learn to love your longing! - Pfft...
It's overwhelming. It can be incredibly frightening.
- What can we do about it both you and I?
I only found that the only thing I can do about it,
is to sink in to it and find out it wasn't dangerous.
So I give myself a story,
in which you see all parts of me, and love me anyway.
Where you say, 'I’m even here, in your dark.
It’s calling your name because it is also, you.'
We meet here to practice,
to play loved.
I can literally see you grow.
Never before have I seen such beauty.
Your power is pushed into my bones through the sole of your foot.
The power I need to cope with the pressure on my chest.
The humiliation. The pain.
For the first time in my life I stop fighting.
Your eyes say 'fall'.
And I fall,
as in to sweet sleep calling you back in the morning.
I am in this moment forever without fear.
I have given up,
given over.
- Body of Christ, sacrificed for you.
Receive God's love,
you are and will always be loved,
embraced, forgiven.
They say run, river run to the sea.
Water always wants to be free.
I will meet the sea sooner or later.
I hope I have a long way to run.
- Amen. - Amen.
- If you don't meet your own emptiness,
you will never find the Holy Spirit within yourself.
And you can't ask or give anybody else the responsibility
to be your God.
But in order to find contact with my inner room, where God has chosen to live,
in order to find that, I need to hold somebody else's hand.
So it's that paradoxical walk, being together and walking alone.
So come inside.
Although we may more often fail and commit small lapses,
our gain could be incomparably greater.
I arrived as my own the night you walked past. Now please walk with me.
So let my longings be clues.
How else can we long if not with our bodies?
And it whispers
'start by saying the word.'