1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,833
- Hmm...
4
00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:37,250
...ehm.
5
00:01:37,791 --> 00:01:42,916
My entrance into this space
was a little surprising.
6
00:01:43,041 --> 00:01:47,250
As I entered as it were,
through the dungeon,
7
00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:52,166
or the sadomasochistic part of
my sexuality and BDSM culture.
8
00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:57,416
But something changed inside me
by being so completely broken down
9
00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:00,166
by the power dynamic
of a romantic relationship,
10
00:02:00,291 --> 00:02:05,333
and I think that wound opened something up
that I still don't understand.
11
00:02:10,625 --> 00:02:13,083
I could tell it simply,
12
00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:16,125
I had no cheeks left to turn.
13
00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:21,083
But then there was passion.
14
00:02:21,125 --> 00:02:24,333
- Liz could you blindfold Maja?
15
00:02:25,166 --> 00:02:30,041
It would still take me years
to realise that it wasn’t for you.
16
00:02:30,125 --> 00:02:35,500
That I myself, and my longings
trapped me in your violence.
17
00:02:37,166 --> 00:02:39,000
Don’t worry.
18
00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:46,291
I am not about to thank you
for the scars that make me who I am now,
19
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:51,291
for cracking me in places
where light would later leak in.
20
00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:56,291
Only you still have to live with yourself.
21
00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,333
Perhaps one day,
22
00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:01,333
you will forgive me.
23
00:03:56,083 --> 00:03:58,166
Mary?
24
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,916
I would like to talk to you about longing.
25
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,166
- About longing?
26
00:04:05,791 --> 00:04:09,083
We have talked about that a lot.
27
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:14,416
I guess what I feel is
that we come into this world with longing.
28
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:20,458
It's a paradox,
all the great truths are paradoxes,
29
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:25,125
that we are both sent out to the world
and with a longing back.
30
00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:29,833
We have a mission on this earth
but we always have within us a longing.
31
00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:32,291
And what we discover,
and I think that is why you
32
00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:35,083
went in to your whole spiritual journey,
33
00:04:35,166 --> 00:04:41,041
is that there is nothing on this earth,
that satisfies that longing.
34
00:04:41,125 --> 00:04:44,000
- What is that longing
or that hunger?
35
00:04:44,041 --> 00:04:50,041
- Yes, it’s a hunger. And I usually say
when we have a communion service,
36
00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:53,333
that the hunger in you
is the hunger in me.
37
00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:05,458
Your fundamental dimension
is the same as mine,
38
00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:09,083
that every human being
has a longing for wholeness.
39
00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:10,500
God is wholeness.
40
00:05:10,791 --> 00:05:16,000
So we of course mirror that longing
for wholeness to be back home again.
41
00:05:16,041 --> 00:05:19,375
And there is the paradox.
We long to be back home
42
00:05:19,458 --> 00:05:21,875
but at the same time we are being sent out.
43
00:05:21,958 --> 00:05:27,958
So it’s to walk that balance line in life.
44
00:06:09,208 --> 00:06:15,250
- There is something about the sound of a
padlock clicking,
45
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:23,166
that makes me feel like
I'm losing power and control.
46
00:06:26,416 --> 00:06:33,166
It almost feels like my pulse is slowing
down. For me it's almost as if... uh.
47
00:06:33,208 --> 00:06:39,875
It's a little bit like landing.
I don't know what to compare it to.
48
00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:50,083
But through the pain, I want to
get closer to what I call a black hole.
49
00:06:50,166 --> 00:07:02,833
And to feel secure enough with Master,
to allow myself to turn around
50
00:07:02,875 --> 00:07:06,875
and just let myself fall.
51
00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:35,166
I escaped it all, with you.
52
00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:38,000
My place of Holy.
53
00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:42,500
I could live for your pleasure alone.
54
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:48,208
My own liberation project, right there
on the tip of my tongue.
55
00:07:53,291 --> 00:07:59,041
Maybe I was longing for a child,
and you were longing for a mother?
56
00:07:59,916 --> 00:08:02,458
We should have known this would be violent.
57
00:08:04,791 --> 00:08:08,208
We did know, but knowing
has little to do with it.
58
00:08:14,083 --> 00:08:17,791
I know you lie, but I believe you.
59
00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:23,750
Believe that you don’t want to control me,
just yourself.
60
00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:32,000
I just happen to be a part of you now.
61
00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:44,083
You hurt me
from the wounds of your ancient past,
62
00:08:44,250 --> 00:08:47,500
which never got the chance to heal,
63
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,083
so of course I forgive you.
64
00:08:51,875 --> 00:08:55,125
You never asked to carry that pain.
65
00:09:03,791 --> 00:09:06,375
They say truth is subjective,
66
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:10,500
that there are many
true sides to every story.
67
00:09:11,916 --> 00:09:16,208
So why shouldn’t I believe only in yours?
68
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:20,333
Because if there is a true story
69
00:09:20,416 --> 00:09:24,041
in which my boundaries were respected,
70
00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:27,250
my consent required,
71
00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:33,833
where I was never slapped in the face,
never shamed or put down,
72
00:09:33,916 --> 00:09:39,916
never exposed to psychological violence
in order to submit to someone else’s fear.
73
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:45,458
Where there are things you just don’t do
to people you love.
74
00:09:47,875 --> 00:09:51,500
Then I want that so badly to be my story.
75
00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:56,500
I’ll happily abandon my
own truth to believe in it.
76
00:10:00,875 --> 00:10:04,458
We teach ourselves to think before we act.
77
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,500
What a violent idea.
78
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:22,000
- I have been engaged to
my fiancé Daniel since forever.
79
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:33,041
He is the best thing that has ever happened
to me. He is my rock, my angel, my...
80
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:43,375
...he is everything to me.
I can't imagine who I'd be without him.
81
00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:52,416
I wouldn't say I am dependent on him,
but actually, that is exactly what I am.
82
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:58,875
I would feel completely
amputated without Daniel.
83
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:04,333
It's weird even talking about it as
a possibility. Oops, as you can see,
84
00:11:04,458 --> 00:11:08,791
it makes me shaky just speaking about it.
85
00:11:08,916 --> 00:11:14,833
This autumn we will have
been together for ten years.
86
00:11:14,958 --> 00:11:18,458
We have been engaged for half of that time.
87
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:22,125
We live together in Stockholm.
88
00:11:22,166 --> 00:11:28,500
He travels a lot through work
and I also travel a lot as a freelancer.
89
00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:32,875
I'm a performer, dancer, singer and actor.
90
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:39,333
In addition to that,
for two years now I have been,
91
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:48,041
contracted as a slave to
my Master, Master Vince.
92
00:12:01,916 --> 00:12:06,500
- I was a workaholic for ten years
and my job was quite cruel.
93
00:12:07,208 --> 00:12:10,083
I took over teams that didn't work,
and made sure that they worked.
94
00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:12,500
They had a lot of overtime,
so I cut down on overtime.
95
00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:20,875
I automatised stuff and I offshored, and I
fired approximately 250 people, personally.
96
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:28,333
I took the job because I thought somebody
has to do it and I am kind of a nice guy,
97
00:12:28,375 --> 00:12:30,250
I thought...
98
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:37,166
But then it started to become something else,
and I became cruel and I didn't recognise myself.
99
00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:46,208
There is a lot of office politricks, and a
lot of domination and stuff in the bank.
100
00:12:46,416 --> 00:12:49,250
More than people know of.
101
00:12:49,375 --> 00:12:53,500
And when I quit I understood that
I had a need to control.
102
00:12:53,791 --> 00:12:59,333
So when I lost that
I understood it was sexual.
103
00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:04,791
But that scared me, because
then it means I have to accept who I am.
104
00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:09,333
And that means I am one of those,
you know, that you've heard about in life.
105
00:13:09,375 --> 00:13:14,500
These weirdos, these sadists.
These guys into SM play and...
106
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:19,000
into all this 'role play',
which for me was never a role play.
107
00:13:19,041 --> 00:13:23,083
For me it was real,
and I felt the need for it.
108
00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:33,916
- When I met Daniel ten years ago, I was
only nineteen and only looking for security.
109
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,791
And that was exactly what Daniel gave me.
110
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:47,458
But sexuality changes over time,
especially when you are nineteen.
111
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:52,166
I realised pretty soon
that I was far from finished.
112
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:14,500
- To start from the beginning, everything
that was strange was beyond my limits.
113
00:14:14,791 --> 00:14:24,166
But then I recall Micke saying that he was
curious about a place called SLM in Stockholm.
114
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:29,500
He wanted to check it out,
and that is how it all started, I think.
115
00:14:29,791 --> 00:14:37,333
So we went there to see what it was all about,
and he became more interested in it than me.
116
00:14:37,416 --> 00:14:45,000
But we went there a few times and
tried things out together in the beginning.
117
00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:50,166
It was a slow process you could say.
118
00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:58,500
- Come here.
119
00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:00,833
Come here.
120
00:15:11,291 --> 00:15:14,083
I’m on my knees now.
121
00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:18,166
I beg you to give me a box.
122
00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:23,291
It can be as small as
your ability to feel safe.
123
00:15:23,375 --> 00:15:25,500
I will learn.
124
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,416
To double up and squeeze it all in.
125
00:15:30,166 --> 00:15:34,916
To breathe short breaths
until the air runs out.
126
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,375
For you.
127
00:15:42,166 --> 00:15:50,166
A moment's breath away from this life, where
Love is God and you are my whole congregation.
128
00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:52,250
Where sex is our church,
129
00:15:52,291 --> 00:15:58,000
and you as the head of all my holy places,
are judging my heavens.
130
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:02,500
I wish you could put me on a leash.
131
00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:07,500
It can be as short as the distance
between your fear and my desire.
132
00:16:09,791 --> 00:16:13,166
I can walk that line freely.
133
00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:18,958
As you control my every step
only at the end of that rope.
134
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:23,166
I want you to cause me pain.
135
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:28,166
A pain I can bear,
leaving scars I can heal.
136
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,500
A rest on this cross,
137
00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:37,000
as here it’s my right to say stop.
138
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:46,958
If you could only give me a box.
As narrow as your mind,
139
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:51,166
as closed as my heart,
as locked as this marriage,
140
00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:56,083
that’s ok.
I died for you already.
141
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,500
But inside of it,
142
00:16:58,791 --> 00:17:01,333
I want to be absolutely...
143
00:17:02,916 --> 00:17:05,500
...free.
144
00:17:10,458 --> 00:17:15,000
- In terms of pain...
when you are in a romantic relationship,
145
00:17:15,083 --> 00:17:20,000
I found it hard and felt a clear limit,
here, but no further.
146
00:17:20,041 --> 00:17:27,916
Because then I would feel bad
from hurting someone, especially Micke,
147
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,916
so I had to stop there.
148
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:41,083
- Without submission,
pain is rather meaningless to me.
149
00:17:41,166 --> 00:17:52,750
I need a power shift in a psychological sense,
which I had no interest experiencing with Daniel.
150
00:17:52,833 --> 00:18:01,083
We had a good, and still have a very
good relationship, without any power shift.
151
00:18:01,166 --> 00:18:05,333
Daniel is not naturally
dominant in that sense.
152
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:14,416
We hit the wall and were forced to realise
that nobody can be everything.
153
00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,458
- To have sex and only sex with someone,
that's one thing.
154
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:25,750
But this is about so much
more in addition to that.
155
00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:30,875
Like many others, I used to think
sex belonged within the relationship.
156
00:18:30,958 --> 00:18:34,291
But I have changed my opinion on that.
157
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:38,833
And having had a glimpse of that world,
I could see that it is only a small part,
158
00:18:38,875 --> 00:18:44,750
there is so much more they are seeking,
159
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,458
that I have no interest in.
160
00:19:01,291 --> 00:19:03,291
- Thank you Sir.
161
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:34,750
I’m in a church when it happens,
162
00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:40,500
faking my right to take
part in Holy Communion.
163
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:48,000
They say everyone is welcome.
164
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:57,875
I am just playing a game
but something breaks.
165
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:05,291
My truth,
or yours if you like, eludes me.
166
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:17,250
Shifts to somewhere so deep inside or far
beyond, I don’t even try to understand it.
167
00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:22,125
Since I’m playing, I call it God.
168
00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:40,125
For a moment I can feel my feelings, I am full
of pain and for the first time in years I cry.
169
00:20:44,291 --> 00:20:49,500
Limited by this game,
I don’t have to face me, all at once.
170
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:55,875
Without it,
I have not been able to face myself at all.
171
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:03,791
Is there space for someone
like me in this religion?
172
00:21:07,791 --> 00:21:11,416
Take me to the water.
173
00:21:20,291 --> 00:21:25,791
- It became clear to me,
what a great human being Daniel is.
174
00:21:26,750 --> 00:21:32,041
I sometimes felt that he sacrificed
parts of himself for my sake.
175
00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:37,375
As I said before, we realised
that one person can't be everything.
176
00:21:37,458 --> 00:21:43,000
But when Daniel accepted Master, it
felt like he could actually be everything.
177
00:21:43,041 --> 00:21:51,208
Because whatever he couldn't do himself,
he made sure someone else could.
178
00:21:51,791 --> 00:21:59,333
He took responsibility for
me getting what I needed, afterall.
179
00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:18,458
At first glance I see violence.
180
00:22:20,083 --> 00:22:27,458
I give you all the benefits of my doubts, to
imagine the transcendent glory you talk about.
181
00:22:28,291 --> 00:22:31,416
Would you do the same for me?
182
00:22:34,416 --> 00:22:40,750
What I see as good,
looks like your picture of evil.
183
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:47,416
Indeed, one could argue I’m a son of the
Devil, and who am I to know the difference?
184
00:22:48,291 --> 00:22:55,166
I do know that your acts of 'kindness'
have deeply wounded the likes of me.
185
00:22:59,291 --> 00:23:06,333
Hate the sin not the sinner, love the
sinner but deny them their human rights.
186
00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:14,333
Pray the gay away. Genesis as
the creation myth for patriarchy.
187
00:23:15,791 --> 00:23:20,166
A new world about the power of one master,
one man.
188
00:23:21,041 --> 00:23:25,916
An excuse to oppress women,
to rape and plunder.
189
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:30,916
Why should I even touch
it with gloved hands?
190
00:23:42,208 --> 00:23:43,916
- She's with this crowd of people
191
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,500
and she hears that this man Jesus is there.
192
00:23:46,791 --> 00:23:50,000
And she touches the hem of his garment,
193
00:23:50,041 --> 00:23:51,791
and Jesus says to her,
194
00:23:51,833 --> 00:23:54,500
'Your faith is great.'
195
00:23:54,791 --> 00:23:58,250
Did her faith consist of any dogma?
196
00:23:58,333 --> 00:24:03,208
Had she read any Jewish scripture?
197
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:04,416
Of course not!
198
00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:06,083
What does she come with?
199
00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,166
Her vulnerability.
200
00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:12,000
Her absolute utter powerlessness.
201
00:24:12,041 --> 00:24:15,916
And Jesus calls her powerlessness for what?
202
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,000
Faith!
203
00:24:18,416 --> 00:24:21,500
It is the basis of faith.
204
00:24:22,166 --> 00:24:29,375
God enters through the cracks of our lives.
God enters at the wound.
205
00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:36,166
To be a human being like
you and me and the rest of us,
206
00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:39,250
that is to be continually limited.
207
00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:45,833
To be a human being is never to
feel completely, 'Now I've got it.'
208
00:24:45,875 --> 00:24:48,375
No, we are all limited human beings.
209
00:24:48,458 --> 00:24:53,083
In time, we are all going to die,
and also in clarity.
210
00:24:53,166 --> 00:25:00,375
What we get on this earth are
glimpses of what the church calls grace.
211
00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:04,500
Of a love that enfolds us,
glimpses of it.
212
00:25:13,916 --> 00:25:18,000
'Speak from your scars not your wounds, '
they say.
213
00:25:19,333 --> 00:25:23,750
So for years, I've kept quiet.
214
00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:38,333
'You can’t change your mind, but your
mind can be changed by experience.'
215
00:25:38,416 --> 00:25:41,458
'You don’t change unless it hurts.'
216
00:25:42,125 --> 00:25:45,166
Bring on the pain!
217
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,458
'Ask and you shall receive.'
218
00:25:49,958 --> 00:25:53,791
Be careful what you ask for.
219
00:26:19,291 --> 00:26:23,166
My own brain blinding me with pain.
220
00:26:24,333 --> 00:26:27,041
My body shuts down.
221
00:26:37,250 --> 00:26:42,291
Days and days
torn into sharp colours.
222
00:26:43,208 --> 00:26:47,291
Into this mess of thoughts and dreams
I roll in and out of.
223
00:26:48,791 --> 00:26:51,875
In and out of hospital.
224
00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:54,375
My flesh falls off me.
225
00:26:54,458 --> 00:26:56,208
No eyes.
226
00:26:56,291 --> 00:27:01,791
Not to be stimulated
but throwing up from over stimulation.
227
00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:11,291
Forgotten pasts floating to the surface
as real as the pain behind my eyes.
228
00:27:12,250 --> 00:27:15,041
Stitch an angel on my back!
229
00:27:15,125 --> 00:27:21,166
My dreams are stories I don’t understand
but somehow understood by.
230
00:27:23,458 --> 00:27:26,875
I hear myself whisper in my sleep,
231
00:27:26,958 --> 00:27:31,958
'Trust the blue at night'
may your voice only be fairytales,
232
00:27:32,833 --> 00:27:35,041
it tells me.
233
00:27:38,875 --> 00:27:43,166
They scan my brain
and put needles in my spine.
234
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,208
I need you to hold my hand in the dark.
235
00:27:47,375 --> 00:27:50,500
But your hands are
so full of your own fear,
236
00:27:50,791 --> 00:27:55,291
the only way you can hold me now,
is to hold me down.
237
00:27:57,500 --> 00:28:00,916
I pass the point where
I can’t take it anymore,
238
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:05,125
but I am no longer afraid.
239
00:28:06,166 --> 00:28:11,041
Or perhaps I'm
afraid enough to leave you.
240
00:28:12,458 --> 00:28:15,000
My body was my limit.
241
00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:18,916
You could say, I've ran out of cheeks.
242
00:28:30,958 --> 00:28:33,416
- So we woun’t have so much time to talk.
243
00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:38,208
We are all here to
make this ritual for Maja.
244
00:28:38,291 --> 00:28:47,041
But since you are all here, I also wanted
to tell you about a new film idea I have.
245
00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:52,458
Practicing BDSM
is a way to build up a room.
246
00:28:52,500 --> 00:29:00,208
Where you know what will happen,
what the boundaries are and you can let go.
247
00:29:00,291 --> 00:29:09,166
Somehow working and making films
is similar to creating this room.
248
00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:20,333
When I gather my actors we talk about
exactly what we will do
249
00:29:20,416 --> 00:29:23,333
and where our limits are.
250
00:29:23,375 --> 00:29:28,166
And it helps us
to come super close somehow.
251
00:29:29,250 --> 00:29:31,375
Maja can you come?
252
00:29:31,458 --> 00:29:34,125
- Now, already?
253
00:29:34,166 --> 00:29:37,500
- Yes, we want to bring you in now!
254
00:29:37,791 --> 00:29:43,833
- To talk by the table?
- Yes, maybe we could...
255
00:29:44,375 --> 00:29:46,875
You can have a seat.
256
00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:50,750
- All right!
257
00:29:50,833 --> 00:29:54,500
My main thing is
that I want to change my position.
258
00:29:54,791 --> 00:29:59,041
And it's not just my position relating to
what you were talking about in your film,
259
00:29:59,125 --> 00:30:04,208
not just the position within BDSM,
but my position in life.
260
00:30:04,291 --> 00:30:07,291
I want a shift. I need a shift!
261
00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:09,458
- From what to what?
262
00:30:09,500 --> 00:30:15,250
- From having been very dominated.
It's a reclaiming of myself.
263
00:30:15,333 --> 00:30:22,083
And in terms of BDSM I want to go
from a submissive to a dominant position.
264
00:30:23,500 --> 00:30:28,458
- How much experience do you have as a submissive?
- Not very much experience.
265
00:30:28,500 --> 00:30:36,208
A little bit. I came to BDSM about a year
ago, but I have taken it very very slowly.
266
00:30:37,875 --> 00:30:38,916
- Okay.
267
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:43,000
Is there anything that we should know
that is a hard limit for you?
268
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:46,083
- Yes, there are a lot of hard limits.
269
00:30:46,166 --> 00:30:52,166
I don't want us to draw blood. I have
given permission to Liz to scratch my skin.
270
00:30:52,250 --> 00:30:57,500
And we have talked about the flogging,
we took away the cane.
271
00:30:57,750 --> 00:31:01,916
I don’t want to be actively
psychologically humiliated.
272
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:09,500
I said yes to the collar, and to be
on my knees and to walk on my knees.
273
00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:14,750
But I don't want to be spoken down to.
- Yeah okay.
274
00:31:15,375 --> 00:31:19,250
Anything else physical?
Places not to touch?
275
00:31:19,333 --> 00:31:22,416
- Yeah my feet.
- Ah? Okay!
276
00:31:22,500 --> 00:31:27,791
- And no face slapping, right?
- And no face slapping!
277
00:31:54,291 --> 00:31:58,125
Don’t die now.
Die on a high!
278
00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:03,750
When you have lost your mind
you still have your body to rely on.
279
00:32:03,916 --> 00:32:09,041
- This is a ritual, that you have asked for
280
00:32:09,166 --> 00:32:14,500
so everything we do is an extension
of your desire for yourself.
281
00:32:14,750 --> 00:32:20,333
This is a gift from us to you,
but also from you to yourself.
282
00:32:21,375 --> 00:32:25,416
We will use the stop light
green, yellow, red.
283
00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:28,500
And 'red' we'll stop immediately.
284
00:32:28,791 --> 00:32:36,166
Remember that this is what you asked for and
we're here because this is what you want.
285
00:32:37,916 --> 00:32:40,958
Do you agree?
- Yes.
286
00:32:47,375 --> 00:32:51,916
- Don’t speak about God as a noun,
a person, a place or a thing.
287
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,000
God is always a verb.
288
00:32:56,375 --> 00:32:58,208
And when we are longning,
289
00:32:58,291 --> 00:33:01,500
participating in inspiration
and being together.
290
00:33:01,750 --> 00:33:05,000
We sense that this is holy ground.
291
00:33:05,791 --> 00:33:07,833
The sense of holy ground.
292
00:33:12,291 --> 00:33:13,958
- Breath!
293
00:33:59,291 --> 00:34:02,166
Children playing.
294
00:34:03,333 --> 00:34:06,458
And they develop some kind of rituals.
295
00:34:08,041 --> 00:34:11,958
‘Let's make dinner’ okay?
296
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:17,083
And then they make dinner out of their
sand, and they are learning how to live.
297
00:34:18,875 --> 00:34:24,208
They know that it's play.
They know it's ritual.
298
00:34:25,500 --> 00:34:27,208
- Open!
299
00:34:28,125 --> 00:34:34,208
- I would like to have the same
perspective on the Christian rituals.
300
00:34:34,333 --> 00:34:36,958
- Try to keep them open.
301
00:34:38,333 --> 00:34:44,458
- I don't really believe that it's Jesus'
blood and his body like a goddamn cannibal.
302
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:49,458
But there is value in this metaphor.
303
00:34:51,250 --> 00:34:54,791
To live really is to play.
304
00:35:08,833 --> 00:35:12,500
- Make a wish for this year.
305
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:18,416
- The work I am doing
is creating a community for me.
306
00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:23,458
It’s a way for me to create
some kind of family.
307
00:35:25,333 --> 00:35:29,291
It’s a way for me to create...
308
00:35:29,333 --> 00:35:32,500
...to not be so lonely actually.
It is.
309
00:35:33,791 --> 00:35:35,875
That I would have been
if I didn't make films,
310
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:40,000
Because in my everyday life
I have to protect myself so much.
311
00:35:42,833 --> 00:35:45,375
- Keys, mobile...
312
00:35:45,458 --> 00:35:48,208
...wallet.
313
00:35:54,916 --> 00:35:58,500
- Where do you want it to put it's bag Sir?
314
00:35:58,791 --> 00:36:01,208
- Right there.
315
00:36:07,375 --> 00:36:12,958
- In a relationship of slave and master.
316
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:18,166
There can be something good in that, if
you learn that by God, nobody is a master
317
00:36:18,250 --> 00:36:21,375
and no one is a slave.
We are playing these parts
318
00:36:21,458 --> 00:36:26,291
because there is something going on here,
which I would call God.
319
00:36:27,333 --> 00:36:30,958
You wouldn't be doing the things
you are doing, if you didn’t have
320
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,833
an enormous hunger for truth and peace.
321
00:36:34,875 --> 00:36:41,458
And that movement, that occurrence,
is God in you.
322
00:36:45,875 --> 00:36:50,500
- The first sessions were amazing.
Feeling the adrenaline rush.
323
00:36:51,333 --> 00:36:54,375
Feeling like the king of the world.
324
00:36:54,458 --> 00:37:01,458
Feeling dominant and powerful
without the guilt, without the shame.
325
00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:05,750
Me knowing that he consents to this.
326
00:37:06,166 --> 00:37:09,833
That this is pure,
and that he enjoys this as well.
327
00:37:09,916 --> 00:37:13,833
And that he wants to
do this with me.
328
00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:18,791
Before I started with BDSM,
I didn’t know the boundaries,
329
00:37:18,833 --> 00:37:20,333
so it was all about guilt.
330
00:37:20,375 --> 00:37:26,333
I wanted to do this, so I did it,
and then I felt guilty afterwards.
331
00:37:26,375 --> 00:37:30,500
I was ashamed of myself. Who am I?
So on and so forth.
332
00:37:30,750 --> 00:37:35,750
But here, my submissive, my slave,
sets all the boundaries.
333
00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:39,416
And when I knew where the boundaries were,
that was freedom, maximum freedom.
334
00:37:39,500 --> 00:37:43,375
Because then I know my play area.
335
00:37:43,458 --> 00:37:46,916
I know what’s mine.
What I control.
336
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,750
And what I am not allowed to control.
337
00:37:55,916 --> 00:38:04,500
- How to be a beginner dominant?
- But do you know what you like?
338
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,041
Why do you want to do this?
339
00:38:08,958 --> 00:38:10,833
- Ahem...
340
00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:18,208
The little bits of practice that I've had,
has released something in me
341
00:38:18,291 --> 00:38:22,833
that I want to understand.
And a space where I want to be.
342
00:38:22,875 --> 00:38:25,000
I want to come back there.
343
00:39:23,875 --> 00:39:28,291
You find people's light
by stepping into their dark.
344
00:39:28,333 --> 00:39:33,791
I guess I had enough wounds and cracks
for you to enter without force.
345
00:39:35,791 --> 00:39:42,375
I thought I was safe, inviting you
to such a clearly limited part of me.
346
00:39:44,166 --> 00:39:46,250
Step into my darkness,
347
00:39:46,458 --> 00:39:48,333
come into my light.
348
00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:05,375
I want to put you in a box.
349
00:40:06,333 --> 00:40:13,166
It will be small enough for you to
feel safe with walls you have built.
350
00:40:13,208 --> 00:40:17,208
Containing desires you wish to explore.
351
00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:25,166
Where you breathe at my mercy
and I can protect you from, everyone else.
352
00:40:30,125 --> 00:40:34,291
- I want you to put me in a box.
353
00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:41,000
Small enough for me to feel safe,
with walls I have built.
354
00:40:41,083 --> 00:40:46,750
Containing desires I ache to explore.
355
00:40:46,833 --> 00:40:51,291
Steady on pillars of my own bravery.
356
00:40:51,333 --> 00:40:59,500
I breathe at your mercy and you
protect me from everyone else.
357
00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:04,333
- I want to cause you pain.
358
00:41:05,750 --> 00:41:08,166
- I want you to cause me pain.
359
00:41:09,791 --> 00:41:14,166
- To hit you hard enough
for you to surrender to me.
360
00:41:14,250 --> 00:41:18,500
- Let me bare the pain,
for you.
361
00:41:18,833 --> 00:41:25,833
- And I will at that point
carry all your past sufferings.
362
00:41:29,250 --> 00:41:31,791
I want to put you in a box.
363
00:41:31,875 --> 00:41:34,166
- I want you to put me in a box.
364
00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:40,916
- Where you are mine and I do as I please,
and I please you.
365
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:42,958
And I name you salt.
366
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:46,458
- Because it is the best thing you know.
367
00:41:46,500 --> 00:41:51,166
I wear it with pride
368
00:41:51,208 --> 00:41:57,166
and plead for you to keep it,
safely in a box.
369
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:04,416
- So outside of it,
you can remain absolutely free.
370
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:27,375
I listened back to her reading and she is
being punished when she gets it wrong.
371
00:42:27,458 --> 00:42:30,500
It was really beautiful in the moment
372
00:42:30,791 --> 00:42:35,166
but when I listened to it
it sounded so brutal.
373
00:42:35,958 --> 00:42:40,458
And I had a really strong reaction
of both wanting to protect her
374
00:42:40,500 --> 00:42:46,208
and also that I was a totally
worthless human being.
375
00:42:46,291 --> 00:42:51,000
You don’t do that to other people!
376
00:42:51,916 --> 00:42:58,333
- For me I need to take care of my slave
afterwards and make sure he feels ok,
377
00:42:58,458 --> 00:43:03,833
and I need to get that
reassurance that it's not abuse.
378
00:43:03,958 --> 00:43:08,958
But I mean,
there are a lot of things that are similar.
379
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:14,208
You are in a power position
and you use that power.
380
00:43:14,291 --> 00:43:22,416
That's what men in high positions do,
use their power to have sex or...
381
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:28,208
or get a kick out of abusing someone.
382
00:43:28,291 --> 00:43:31,000
There are some similarities.
- Yes.
383
00:43:31,083 --> 00:43:33,958
And the difference is the consent I suppose.
- Exactly.
384
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:41,291
- Sex with consent can be wonderful,
sex without consent is rape.
385
00:43:41,333 --> 00:43:45,750
- Exactly.
- It's an enormous difference.
386
00:43:48,833 --> 00:43:50,791
- Are you okay?
387
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:56,166
- Yes, Madame.
388
00:44:03,041 --> 00:44:08,000
To be here with you feels like coming home.
389
00:44:11,250 --> 00:44:18,125
Here, our wounds are the source
of pleasure. Pain is a chance to heal.
390
00:44:19,166 --> 00:44:23,375
All our damage - gold.
391
00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:33,375
So how do I keep hold of my own drop
in this endless ocean?
392
00:44:55,500 --> 00:45:03,125
- Yes, this reminds me of
when I used to work at the funeral home.
393
00:45:03,166 --> 00:45:11,333
It worked especially with people
that could not have an open casket.
394
00:45:11,416 --> 00:45:17,125
Or that could not wear their clothes,
for whatever reason.
395
00:45:17,166 --> 00:45:21,250
They were usually covered
with a white fabric.
396
00:45:22,166 --> 00:45:26,083
The point where BDSM
merges with death
397
00:45:26,166 --> 00:45:32,250
is when there is a symbiosis
between the submissive person,
398
00:45:32,333 --> 00:45:35,250
who is somehow abandoning
their body
399
00:45:35,333 --> 00:45:40,916
and surrenders it to you.
Just like when someone dies
400
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,458
and has somehow abandoned
their body,
401
00:45:44,500 --> 00:45:49,166
and that body will be treated
by an embalmer.
402
00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:51,999
In my case as a dominatrix,
403
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:56,416
a person decides to leave
their body,
404
00:45:56,500 --> 00:46:00,458
decides to abandon it
and put it in my hands.
405
00:46:00,500 --> 00:46:04,166
And I have to somehow
take care of that body.
406
00:46:04,250 --> 00:46:08,250
I see BDSM from a very spiritual
point of view.
407
00:46:08,333 --> 00:46:15,333
And I think feeling pain
and inflicting pain on someone else,
408
00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:19,916
leads to a state of abandonment
of the mind.
409
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:25,416
To a state of a deep void.
410
00:46:25,500 --> 00:46:30,791
Which is what motivates me
in BDSM.
411
00:46:46,375 --> 00:46:52,083
Can this be a safe space to keep my passion
away from my own destruction?
412
00:46:53,083 --> 00:46:58,208
To give that inner space
to God, not people?
413
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:05,291
I want a grown-up negotiation,
if we don’t fit we don’t commit.
414
00:47:06,125 --> 00:47:10,000
Please negotiate with me!
415
00:47:17,833 --> 00:47:23,416
- Mary, can you help me button this?
- Yes, let us hope.
416
00:47:24,875 --> 00:47:29,333
I can't see anything... there.
417
00:47:30,291 --> 00:47:34,208
Voila!
- Thank you!
418
00:47:40,500 --> 00:47:47,166
- Today I'm going to represent
death and resurrection.
419
00:47:47,250 --> 00:47:49,166
A little differently.
420
00:47:49,208 --> 00:47:52,875
Because we begin
by preparing the body.
421
00:47:52,958 --> 00:47:56,833
Then trough asphyxiation
we want to represent death,
422
00:47:56,916 --> 00:48:01,958
and through pain,
awaken him little by little.
423
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:07,416
All this in a ritualistic manner
like a new awakening.
424
00:48:09,375 --> 00:48:19,500
I think it's a very interesting practise
because it's not a very intense pain.
425
00:48:19,791 --> 00:48:30,041
But you have to establish trust
between the person
426
00:48:30,125 --> 00:48:34,166
that is being asphyxiated
and the one asphyxiating.
427
00:48:34,250 --> 00:48:38,833
You’re actually putting your life
428
00:48:38,875 --> 00:48:45,916
in the hands of someone else.
429
00:48:52,166 --> 00:48:56,166
Between God and a lover,
the dungeon and the church.
430
00:48:56,208 --> 00:49:00,416
Through pleasure and pain
I cross through my middle.
431
00:49:02,291 --> 00:49:05,500
Like the sound of two trains
meeting in a tunnel
432
00:49:05,791 --> 00:49:07,958
I call myself.
433
00:49:08,500 --> 00:49:12,875
I give myself permission to fall.
434
00:49:40,958 --> 00:49:46,500
How ironic it may sound when I'm standing
here today, I find it harder to reconcile
435
00:49:46,750 --> 00:49:51,833
my Christian passions than my
sexual passions with my image of God.
436
00:49:52,833 --> 00:49:58,291
But as Mary pointed out in one of our
many conversations, there is a connection
437
00:49:58,333 --> 00:50:02,500
between spirituality and sexuality
in passion,
438
00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:10,833
that longing which pulls you beyond
your own logic even if it hurts you.
439
00:50:10,916 --> 00:50:17,458
A longing for something more or greater that
resonates with something deep inside you.
440
00:50:50,250 --> 00:50:53,041
- Look at me!
441
00:52:59,750 --> 00:53:03,500
- Maja Borg.
I baptize you today.
442
00:53:04,041 --> 00:53:13,166
In the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit.
443
00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:15,083
Amen.
444
00:53:15,166 --> 00:53:21,333
May you walk with God,
as God walks with you.
445
00:53:23,375 --> 00:53:27,875
On your forehead
and all your thoughts, Maja.
446
00:53:27,958 --> 00:53:31,833
On your lips
and all your words, Maja.
447
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:35,875
On your heart,
and all your love and passion.
448
00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:42,833
- I think there comes a time
449
00:53:42,916 --> 00:53:47,083
when a person puts you
under pressure
450
00:53:47,166 --> 00:53:49,833
when you end up admiring
that person.
451
00:53:49,875 --> 00:53:53,500
You end up loving that person,
you see her as a Goddess or God.
452
00:53:53,791 --> 00:53:59,291
In that moment I think
it's like someone manages
453
00:53:59,875 --> 00:54:03,416
to make you feel
certain sensations
454
00:54:03,500 --> 00:54:08,458
that make you admire them
and abandon
455
00:54:08,750 --> 00:54:11,958
any physical sensation you may have.
456
00:54:50,291 --> 00:54:53,083
- But my God melts away from me
457
00:54:54,333 --> 00:54:59,083
like ‘false Florimells’ before my eyes.
458
00:55:02,333 --> 00:55:06,125
- And since then you have had a
hard time dominating?
459
00:55:06,166 --> 00:55:07,958
- Yes, connecting to anything.
460
00:55:08,000 --> 00:55:10,000
- Connecting to anything?
461
00:55:10,083 --> 00:55:14,833
Being a dominant without connecting
is tough.
462
00:55:14,916 --> 00:55:16,500
It won't work.
463
00:55:16,750 --> 00:55:20,500
But have you played with someone
that didn't witness the ceremony?
464
00:55:20,750 --> 00:55:22,291
- No.
465
00:55:22,333 --> 00:55:27,083
- Because that act is...
466
00:55:27,166 --> 00:55:33,416
You are submitting to God,
and to your beliefs and you're also...
467
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:43,041
...showing yourself as a vulnerable individual.
You stood there kind of on trial as well.
468
00:55:43,125 --> 00:55:49,416
It's easier to come out as a lesbian, it's
easier to come out as a BDSM practitioner,
469
00:55:49,500 --> 00:55:53,166
than to come out as a Christian.
- Yeah.
470
00:55:53,208 --> 00:55:56,208
- Maybe that act was too powerful?
471
00:55:56,791 --> 00:56:00,041
Because when you...
472
00:56:00,125 --> 00:56:01,833
This is just in my head..
473
00:56:01,916 --> 00:56:07,750
You charged in, you wanted this and you
were prepared to defend yourself towards...
474
00:56:07,833 --> 00:56:09,500
defend your BDSM activity.
475
00:56:09,791 --> 00:56:14,833
And there, someone just opens up their arms
and says 'You are welcome, I love you.' Right?
476
00:56:14,875 --> 00:56:17,791
And that just totally...
477
00:56:19,333 --> 00:56:23,041
...disarms you.
- Yes.
478
00:56:23,166 --> 00:56:28,458
- Which is cruel in a way, isn't it?
479
00:56:33,500 --> 00:56:38,291
You want the pain,
but I can't take the hurting.
480
00:56:39,208 --> 00:56:45,416
They say, in that which you
place your trust is in fact your God.
481
00:56:45,500 --> 00:56:50,083
I’ve worked hard to gain your trust
and now it is,
482
00:56:50,166 --> 00:56:51,916
heavy.
483
00:56:56,458 --> 00:57:00,416
For the first time I miss being controlled.
484
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:06,791
With shame I acknowledge that part of me
adored having power exercised over me.
485
00:57:08,291 --> 00:57:14,041
It was a relief to have someone
more important than myself to live for.
486
00:57:16,166 --> 00:57:18,375
I am longing for that now,
487
00:57:18,458 --> 00:57:22,208
trying to submit to a fantasy.
488
00:57:25,833 --> 00:57:31,000
- Shall I lie down so you can see...
- Do they lie down here also?
489
00:57:31,041 --> 00:57:34,416
- Yeah I lie down here.
490
00:57:41,791 --> 00:57:44,750
- Do you know exactly where?
491
00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:48,333
Are they both laying down?
492
00:57:48,416 --> 00:57:52,083
- Yes, at one point they are
both laying down. In the aftercare.
493
00:57:52,166 --> 00:57:55,166
Billy, can you come and pose?
494
00:57:57,166 --> 00:58:02,166
Like this, they are laying down.
- It's perfect!
495
00:58:02,208 --> 00:58:05,500
- Like this.
- Oh my God it's perfect.
496
00:58:06,333 --> 00:58:11,500
- I am so afraid of my own power
and what I can do with it.
497
00:58:11,750 --> 00:58:14,833
I am afraid of owning my power.
498
00:58:14,875 --> 00:58:18,333
And I think this is what
I have been dealing with all my life.
499
00:58:18,375 --> 00:58:21,833
Because I was raised in
two different worlds, kind of.
500
00:58:21,916 --> 00:58:27,291
In one world I have been witness to abuse,
and the other world
501
00:58:27,333 --> 00:58:31,833
is a very political context.
502
00:58:33,333 --> 00:58:42,958
Learning about power
in a left intellectual context,
503
00:58:43,791 --> 00:58:47,458
taught me so much about right and wrong
and how it should be.
504
00:58:47,500 --> 00:58:53,791
And the other world showed me how it is
when it's not good.
505
00:58:53,833 --> 00:58:59,500
And the worst imaginable
way of using power.
506
00:59:02,333 --> 00:59:15,083
I was from a very early stage
confronted with different kinds of powers.
507
00:59:19,166 --> 00:59:27,958
I think I’m afraid of
becoming the sadist for real.
508
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:31,791
I'm afraid of having that
monster inside of me.
509
00:59:34,166 --> 00:59:38,333
- All I was saying, in my
mind I would love to be fisted!
510
00:59:38,375 --> 00:59:42,333
- I would love that!
I didn't dare to ask you.
511
00:59:42,375 --> 00:59:45,958
- But I don't know if that would function.
512
00:59:46,166 --> 00:59:50,500
- You don't do it as usual?
- Not often, no. Very, very rarely.
513
00:59:50,791 --> 00:59:55,166
- Kate this was in the original script!
514
00:59:55,250 --> 00:59:59,916
- It seems really nice!
- But I didn’t want to push you by asking.
515
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,333
But now you brought it up yourself, so...
516
01:00:02,375 --> 01:00:05,333
- It just takes me a while to get there.
517
01:00:05,375 --> 01:00:11,333
That's why I can't really say,
but it's a vision that I would really love.
518
01:00:11,375 --> 01:00:13,041
- Me too!
519
01:00:13,125 --> 01:00:17,958
It's nice to portrait somebody having sex
and coming.
520
01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:22,000
And this we need to talk about also,
because you will be in a very hard position.
521
01:00:22,083 --> 01:00:26,500
- Definitely.
- The reason I want you to be fucked in a cross position,
522
01:00:26,791 --> 01:00:34,083
is because in my own experience, this is
the most vulnerable situation I can imagine.
523
01:00:35,416 --> 01:00:41,916
- I think that the thing that
becomes stressful about it,
524
01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:46,250
is the idea of having to achieve orgasm.
525
01:00:46,333 --> 01:00:48,833
Not necessarily the idea of being open.
526
01:00:48,916 --> 01:00:51,416
Especially with Ambra,
I feel very comfortable.
527
01:00:51,500 --> 01:00:55,833
And with the idea of being penetrated
or experiencing the fucking.
528
01:00:55,916 --> 01:01:04,833
But if we want to capture a real orgasm, not
that it's too stressful, but that's where I feel,
529
01:01:04,916 --> 01:01:09,000
okay, what would help to...
If we want to have that as an outcome.
530
01:01:09,875 --> 01:01:15,375
- Obviously I am not avoiding power.
531
01:01:16,166 --> 01:01:18,833
I’m actually going there all the time.
532
01:01:18,875 --> 01:01:22,250
And I put myself in positions where
I have...
533
01:01:22,333 --> 01:01:28,791
Where I am the one who should have control,
and I am the one who should give people orders.
534
01:01:34,291 --> 01:01:44,500
I think this is the big paradox in my life. And
that's why I am obsessed with creating safe spaces.
535
01:01:44,750 --> 01:01:56,750
Because I want to understand how we can work
together or live together without hurting each other.
536
01:01:59,333 --> 01:02:02,333
- You have to open the door Micke!
537
01:02:04,125 --> 01:02:08,333
Life is all about the relationships
we have with other people.
538
01:02:08,375 --> 01:02:11,000
So one has to experience
more than one relationship.
539
01:02:11,041 --> 01:02:16,291
You can't limit someone
to make sure they stay.
540
01:02:16,333 --> 01:02:23,208
But if they are free to do what they want, and
still chooses to come back to the love we share,
541
01:02:23,291 --> 01:02:25,500
then you know it's real.
542
01:02:32,916 --> 01:02:36,125
- The bond between a Master
and a slave is extremely powerful.
543
01:02:36,166 --> 01:02:39,125
And extremely emotional.
544
01:02:39,166 --> 01:02:42,916
The care for one another
is very, very strong.
545
01:02:44,125 --> 01:02:52,166
In order for it to work,
it's so important to...
546
01:02:54,875 --> 01:02:57,333
I lost track...
547
01:03:03,833 --> 01:03:06,916
When you have created a power dynamic,
and a power shift.
548
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,125
When you have this power exchange.
549
01:03:09,166 --> 01:03:10,916
It's not static.
550
01:03:11,000 --> 01:03:15,208
If you have built a dynamic,
and you have created it.
551
01:03:15,291 --> 01:03:17,791
It's not gonna stay there forever.
552
01:03:17,833 --> 01:03:21,500
You have to always
work in order to keep it.
553
01:03:21,791 --> 01:03:24,375
And sometimes,
I mean, I am not perfect.
554
01:03:24,458 --> 01:03:26,833
I am absolutely not perfect.
555
01:03:26,916 --> 01:03:29,250
Sometimes I let go.
556
01:03:30,208 --> 01:03:34,166
And then the shift becomes smaller.
557
01:03:34,208 --> 01:03:37,166
And that is tough.
On both of us.
558
01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:41,333
- How do you know
if it has become destructive,
559
01:03:41,416 --> 01:03:45,416
or if the shift has gone wrong
and is no longer serving you?
560
01:03:45,500 --> 01:03:48,333
What do you do then?
561
01:03:49,791 --> 01:03:53,125
- What I do then?
562
01:03:56,333 --> 01:04:00,500
What I do then, is what I'm doing now
actually.
563
01:04:00,916 --> 01:04:03,333
Back to basics.
564
01:04:26,916 --> 01:04:29,458
In play space we are winning,
565
01:04:29,750 --> 01:04:32,291
the boundaries make us endless.
566
01:04:34,291 --> 01:04:38,041
So how am I supposed to contain you?
567
01:04:38,125 --> 01:04:41,333
To love you neatly in a box?
568
01:04:43,833 --> 01:04:48,000
What a cruel and vain paradox,
because outside of it,
569
01:04:50,208 --> 01:04:55,250
I still don't know how to
set limits without shouting.
570
01:05:00,166 --> 01:05:09,916
I am too triggered to see who is standing right in
front of me, and in shame I hear myself lashing out.
571
01:05:10,500 --> 01:05:16,041
Every fibre protecting
me, from someone else.
572
01:05:19,458 --> 01:05:23,291
I hurt you from the wounds of my own past.
573
01:05:23,333 --> 01:05:28,000
Wounds I never got a
chance to heal without you.
574
01:05:28,083 --> 01:05:31,000
Please don’t forgive that.
575
01:05:32,208 --> 01:05:35,250
- This person like this is Kate
576
01:05:35,333 --> 01:05:39,333
in the cross position.
577
01:05:39,416 --> 01:05:43,000
Could it be that Kate could eat at four?
578
01:05:43,041 --> 01:05:48,875
Because she needs to be fisted at six.
579
01:05:48,958 --> 01:05:51,291
- She's gonna get fucked,
and maybe fisted.
580
01:05:51,333 --> 01:05:55,208
I feel that if you keep saying fisted...
- Yeah, it's a pressure.
581
01:05:55,500 --> 01:05:58,041
- I am sorry Kate.
I hope you don't feel pressured.
582
01:05:58,125 --> 01:06:02,250
- There is no pressure Kate!
583
01:06:03,250 --> 01:06:06,833
Tell me what you need from me?
- If she can eat at four?
584
01:06:07,125 --> 01:06:14,000
- Just as we need the community,
we need stories that we can relate to.
585
01:06:14,083 --> 01:06:16,916
And...
- What happens if you have no stories?
586
01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:20,125
- You are no one.
587
01:06:20,166 --> 01:06:24,083
I think you are no one.
You are out of identity.
588
01:06:24,166 --> 01:06:33,041
If you have no stories,
you are hanging loose in space
589
01:06:33,125 --> 01:06:35,333
with nothing.
590
01:06:35,375 --> 01:06:38,750
I think stories is what creates us.
591
01:06:54,791 --> 01:07:02,500
All those years ago, when I thought
I was giving, perhaps I was taking.
592
01:07:04,833 --> 01:07:11,375
In taking responsibility for you
did I take responsibility from you?
593
01:07:13,916 --> 01:07:19,750
And by the time I said stop
you were dependent on it?
594
01:07:20,416 --> 01:07:23,375
What happened after is history,
595
01:07:23,500 --> 01:07:28,291
I might some day forgive,
but never forget.
596
01:07:30,958 --> 01:07:36,000
Still, I hope you can forgive
me for feeding your fear.
597
01:07:37,125 --> 01:07:41,875
For fighting for you
against both of us.
598
01:07:46,041 --> 01:07:50,083
You make me face myself
and I don’t like what I see.
599
01:07:51,291 --> 01:07:53,458
I need to make my own liberation,
600
01:07:54,083 --> 01:07:55,375
alone.
601
01:08:00,500 --> 01:08:06,916
So I close the door to the dungeon
and walk deep into myself.
602
01:08:14,166 --> 01:08:17,333
- Okay, are we getting ready?
603
01:08:18,166 --> 01:08:21,791
- Scene one shot four, take one.
604
01:08:47,375 --> 01:08:50,166
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
605
01:08:54,166 --> 01:08:56,125
- Action.
606
01:08:56,166 --> 01:08:58,208
- In...
607
01:08:59,000 --> 01:09:01,041
...and out.
608
01:09:44,166 --> 01:09:47,375
I find someone willing to dominate me.
609
01:09:48,500 --> 01:09:51,791
But you are not holding me down hard enough
610
01:09:51,833 --> 01:09:54,416
so I push myself down
611
01:09:54,500 --> 01:09:58,291
and I am so triggered,
I cannot move.
612
01:10:00,208 --> 01:10:06,791
I freeze and the questions are
crystal clear, the past right here.
613
01:10:13,041 --> 01:10:17,166
Why did I not defend myself
all those years?
614
01:10:18,291 --> 01:10:22,916
How could I betray myself so fundamentally?
615
01:10:26,166 --> 01:10:29,750
I am full of anger, even hate.
616
01:10:30,166 --> 01:10:33,500
I want to leave but you are calm,
617
01:10:33,750 --> 01:10:40,500
and I’m invited to switch, to stay in this
anger that I have always pushed down.
618
01:10:43,166 --> 01:10:46,958
- I have so much built up it's crazy!
619
01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:50,833
- Do you want the vibrator?
- Yes.
620
01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:55,833
What do I do now?
621
01:10:55,916 --> 01:11:01,458
How can I ‘play safe’
when I don’t know what will happen?
622
01:11:02,416 --> 01:11:06,791
What if you call red
and I can’t stop hitting?
623
01:11:07,333 --> 01:11:14,333
You hold the trust in me that I am lacking,
how can you be this brave?
624
01:11:14,833 --> 01:11:18,416
- Yes it's so good in my ass!
625
01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:25,916
I let myself go and
what I find is not violence.
626
01:11:26,000 --> 01:11:30,875
I’m suddenly clear to myself,
wholly my own.
627
01:11:31,875 --> 01:11:36,958
And from these pure boundaries
I can feel your every move,
628
01:11:37,458 --> 01:11:38,958
every thought,
629
01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:40,166
feeling.
630
01:11:40,208 --> 01:11:43,750
I could play you like a song.
631
01:11:44,416 --> 01:11:50,791
In my own body you echoed
until we both came, through you.
632
01:11:54,250 --> 01:12:01,791
I never knew that to be limited, to know my
own boundaries, would make me feel this big.
633
01:12:05,125 --> 01:12:08,291
- Don't leave me! Don't go out of me!
634
01:12:32,791 --> 01:12:35,916
- Oh my God...
635
01:13:16,500 --> 01:13:20,000
It is in this very moment you walk by.
636
01:13:21,500 --> 01:13:25,958
Our eyes meet and you step right in.
637
01:13:26,750 --> 01:13:29,750
But not through my wounds.
638
01:13:30,791 --> 01:13:34,166
I didn’t know I had other openings.
639
01:13:40,291 --> 01:13:43,000
I am too tired to be hard,
640
01:13:43,041 --> 01:13:45,291
so we don’t play.
641
01:13:45,375 --> 01:13:51,166
Instead we fall asleep
and I forget to put my guard up.
642
01:13:51,208 --> 01:13:54,416
The river takes me away.
643
01:14:07,375 --> 01:14:09,208
- salt.
644
01:14:09,291 --> 01:14:10,333
- Yes, Madame?
645
01:14:10,375 --> 01:14:12,333
- Come.
646
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:20,916
The devil doesn’t exist
so don’t serve him.
647
01:14:23,833 --> 01:14:26,291
You can not carry this heavy longing.
648
01:14:27,041 --> 01:14:28,791
- Closer.
649
01:14:30,125 --> 01:14:32,291
No one can.
650
01:14:33,125 --> 01:14:35,791
I was born hungry.
651
01:14:46,333 --> 01:14:50,166
If only the salt had lost it's savour.
652
01:14:50,500 --> 01:14:55,291
The brutality of these chances to heal.
653
01:15:59,500 --> 01:16:01,875
- Madame?
654
01:16:03,333 --> 01:16:07,166
Now that you let me out,
655
01:16:07,916 --> 01:16:11,125
and renounce the
responsibility of keeping me safe,
656
01:16:11,166 --> 01:16:15,166
I promise to take good care.
657
01:16:16,166 --> 01:16:25,416
I will remain, without shame,
nor fear, nor regret,
658
01:16:25,500 --> 01:16:33,125
tremendously proud, to have been freely...
659
01:16:33,166 --> 01:16:36,250
yours.
660
01:16:52,250 --> 01:16:54,333
- Ready?
661
01:17:02,500 --> 01:17:05,416
It is with all my love,
662
01:17:06,875 --> 01:17:09,958
I now release you.
663
01:19:00,500 --> 01:19:05,000
I need to live in the river, not the sea.
664
01:19:06,000 --> 01:19:09,791
I will meet you there, eventually.
665
01:19:12,083 --> 01:19:17,958
- So this is the crossroad Anneke?
Here and here?
666
01:19:18,000 --> 01:19:20,250
And what does that mean?
667
01:19:21,500 --> 01:19:35,041
- The crossroad is an important place for
witchery because all the paths are in one.
668
01:19:35,125 --> 01:19:44,041
And it's really interesting to do magic
or for meditation.
669
01:19:44,125 --> 01:19:51,291
Because it's a space...
670
01:19:53,916 --> 01:19:56,916
...closer to the veil.
671
01:19:57,000 --> 01:20:00,500
- To the?
- To the veil, with the other side.
672
01:20:18,250 --> 01:20:20,916
You disturb my story.
673
01:20:21,125 --> 01:20:25,458
I had found a good ending,
a healthy distance,
674
01:20:25,500 --> 01:20:28,500
it was happy enough.
675
01:20:35,083 --> 01:20:39,416
I adored you from the
start so I let you stay.
676
01:20:39,500 --> 01:20:41,916
Away.
677
01:20:44,750 --> 01:20:51,375
Sometimes for me in BDSM you go to this space
where you are really close to everything
678
01:20:51,458 --> 01:20:56,166
so if you managed to do it perfectly
you would have to die,
679
01:20:56,250 --> 01:21:00,833
beacause that would be the only way to
take it that step further.
680
01:21:00,916 --> 01:21:07,833
- Yeah sometimes I feel like
you are playing with death.
681
01:21:07,875 --> 01:21:14,000
- And you are also playing with the pain stopping.
- Yeah...
682
01:21:31,500 --> 01:21:35,291
They say that when you
love a part of you dies.
683
01:21:36,500 --> 01:21:41,750
If I could only love,
just a little bit less.
684
01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:51,375
To be de-created,
that deep dark.
685
01:21:51,458 --> 01:21:58,000
So alluring when life lives so brightly
that earthly things collapse.
686
01:21:59,458 --> 01:22:01,333
Like bodies.
687
01:22:01,416 --> 01:22:04,083
Like living arrangements.
688
01:22:04,291 --> 01:22:10,291
Like dreams and hopes and theories
of how the world could be a better place.
689
01:22:16,916 --> 01:22:23,166
Has passion ever existed alongside life
without destroying it?
690
01:22:28,458 --> 01:22:32,500
I know I prayed but I've changed my mind.
691
01:22:33,458 --> 01:22:39,458
Don’t let me die on this high.
Don’t let me surrender!
692
01:22:43,291 --> 01:22:47,416
-It's really hard,
this longing is heavy.
693
01:22:47,500 --> 01:22:55,041
Because it translates to a longing to die,
and it's not like I don't want to live.
694
01:22:55,125 --> 01:22:58,875
- No.
- It's a longing to...
695
01:22:59,375 --> 01:23:03,833
...to dissolve in that connectedness.
- You know what I would like to call that?
696
01:23:03,875 --> 01:23:07,041
Because I have it.
My homesickness.
697
01:23:07,125 --> 01:23:09,500
- Yes, it's the perfect word.
- I long to go home.
698
01:23:09,791 --> 01:23:15,750
It is not until these last years, that I
felt quite at home with my homesickness.
699
01:23:15,833 --> 01:23:19,875
And learned that it's become definitive of me.
- Yeah.
700
01:23:19,958 --> 01:23:22,041
- I am one who longs to go home.
701
01:23:22,125 --> 01:23:27,166
And at the same time,
I can love this life.
702
01:23:27,208 --> 01:23:32,958
It is a gift, becomes a gift. And I used to
be so afraid of it, that I would flip out,
703
01:23:33,000 --> 01:23:35,916
and wind up in some
psychiatric ward somewhere.
704
01:23:35,958 --> 01:23:37,916
But now I am not afraid of it anymore.
705
01:23:37,958 --> 01:23:41,208
Learn to love that feeling.
Because that is who you are!
706
01:23:41,291 --> 01:23:47,166
- That is hard because
what happens if I in any way lose control?
707
01:23:47,250 --> 01:23:52,458
Does that mean I will kill myself?
- Lose control of what?
708
01:23:52,500 --> 01:23:58,166
That homesickness.
It tells us who we are.
709
01:23:58,208 --> 01:24:02,833
So learn to love your longing!
- Pfft...
710
01:24:03,375 --> 01:24:08,125
It's overwhelming.
It can be incredibly frightening.
711
01:24:08,166 --> 01:24:10,333
- What can we do about it
both you and I?
712
01:24:10,375 --> 01:24:12,833
I only found
that the only thing I can do about it,
713
01:24:12,916 --> 01:24:17,166
is to sink in to it and
find out it wasn't dangerous.
714
01:26:03,083 --> 01:26:06,000
So I give myself a story,
715
01:26:09,083 --> 01:26:14,916
in which you see all parts of me,
and love me anyway.
716
01:26:25,958 --> 01:26:30,291
Where you say,
'I’m even here, in your dark.
717
01:26:30,375 --> 01:26:34,916
It’s calling your name because it is also,
you.'
718
01:26:37,833 --> 01:26:40,500
We meet here to practice,
719
01:26:42,791 --> 01:26:44,916
to play loved.
720
01:26:53,500 --> 01:26:56,333
I can literally see you grow.
721
01:26:57,500 --> 01:27:01,833
Never before have I seen such beauty.
722
01:27:03,458 --> 01:27:08,166
Your power is pushed into my bones
through the sole of your foot.
723
01:27:09,958 --> 01:27:14,041
The power I need to cope
with the pressure on my chest.
724
01:27:15,375 --> 01:27:19,416
The humiliation.
The pain.
725
01:27:23,291 --> 01:27:28,000
For the first time in
my life I stop fighting.
726
01:27:35,750 --> 01:27:37,875
Your eyes say
'fall'.
727
01:27:37,958 --> 01:27:40,125
And I fall,
728
01:27:40,166 --> 01:27:45,041
as in to sweet sleep
calling you back in the morning.
729
01:27:47,875 --> 01:27:51,916
I am in this moment forever without fear.
730
01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:55,375
I have given up,
731
01:27:55,458 --> 01:27:57,791
given over.
732
01:27:58,916 --> 01:28:03,291
- Body of Christ, sacrificed for you.
733
01:28:04,375 --> 01:28:07,208
Receive God's love,
734
01:28:07,333 --> 01:28:10,500
you are and will always be loved,
735
01:28:11,041 --> 01:28:14,916
embraced, forgiven.
736
01:28:20,500 --> 01:28:24,000
They say run, river run to the sea.
737
01:28:24,041 --> 01:28:27,500
Water always wants to be free.
738
01:28:31,000 --> 01:28:33,916
I will meet the sea sooner or later.
739
01:28:34,000 --> 01:28:38,166
I hope I have a long way to run.
740
01:28:39,458 --> 01:28:42,916
- Amen.
- Amen.
741
01:28:46,958 --> 01:28:49,833
- If you don't meet your own emptiness,
742
01:28:50,416 --> 01:28:54,041
you will never find the Holy Spirit
within yourself.
743
01:28:55,958 --> 01:29:00,458
And you can't ask or
give anybody else the responsibility
744
01:29:00,500 --> 01:29:03,166
to be your God.
745
01:29:05,208 --> 01:29:15,500
But in order to find contact with my
inner room, where God has chosen to live,
746
01:29:16,083 --> 01:29:22,791
in order to find that,
I need to hold somebody else's hand.
747
01:29:24,208 --> 01:29:31,875
So it's that paradoxical walk,
being together and walking alone.
748
01:30:02,166 --> 01:30:04,083
So come inside.
749
01:30:09,208 --> 01:30:13,333
Although we may more often
fail and commit small lapses,
750
01:30:14,000 --> 01:30:17,916
our gain could be incomparably greater.
751
01:30:24,500 --> 01:30:30,458
I arrived as my own the night you
walked past. Now please walk with me.
752
01:30:46,791 --> 01:30:49,333
So let my longings be clues.
753
01:30:50,375 --> 01:30:55,000
How else can we long
if not with our bodies?
754
01:30:56,000 --> 01:30:58,166
And it whispers
755
01:30:58,791 --> 01:31:01,958
'start by saying the word.'