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[solemn music]

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♪ ♪

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When it comes to people

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talking about their mental health issues,

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one of the really relatable things

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that I believe that so many people go through

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is, firstly, the admittance that something is wrong

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and the need to ask for help.

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Now, everyone's different,

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but what I've learned from that is,

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it's not what's wrong with you, it's what's happened to you.

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And I think that is such an important point,

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because there is no shame in this.

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And actually, I can use any part of my own experience

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that might assist or help other people

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who have similar issues, similar traumas.

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You know, my life gets better

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when I think I can help other people in any way,

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and I've sort of spent a career, a lifetime,

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a purpose doing that.

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What brought me to this deep, heartfelt desire

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to do something

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is my experience with my girls.

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The first time I brought my girls

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from my school in South Africa to go to college over here,

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the first girl, freshman year in an Ivy League school,

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was feeling very alone and isolated.

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I thought I could talk it away, spend time,

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and then I get a call that she's tried to kill herself.

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Then I had another girl, then I had another girl,

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then I had another girl, and another--

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and so I'm like, "What is going on?"

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And the truth is, Harry,

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I've spent too many nights in a psych ward.

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Mm-hmm.

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And that's when I started to understand.

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There's something we're not doing,

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there's something I'm missing, there's something I--

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I didn't, in the beginning, even underst--

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"What do you mean, you're depressed?"

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-Mm-hmm. -You know, coming from someone

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who had done lots of shows about depression...

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You've been depressed this time for how long?

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Since last July.

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Anxiety, I've had anxiety my whole life.

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I'm hearing this voice. What is this?

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I was sexually abused when I was five years old.

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[Oprah] I wanted to use my voice

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to help people figure out mental illness.

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I have bipolar depression.

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...lost my family due to alcoholism.

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...and I just don't feel that I can cope with life.

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Go ahead. We cry every day here.

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But in the beginning,

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I didn't understand how serious this was.

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[cheers and applause]

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[soft music]

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On the famous day that we gave out all the cars,

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what was important to me was not just to give out cars,

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but to be able to give out cars to people who needed them.

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Open your boxes. One, two, three.

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You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!

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Everybody gets a car!

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People were there 'cause a car meant

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the difference between being able to keep a job,

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or the car meant the difference

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between being able to pick up their kids at school.

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You know, a car was an essential need.

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And Alex was one of those people.

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[cheers and applause]

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Alex was a homeless girl

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who, in spite of everything that life had thrown her,

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in spite of family problems,

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the thing that had impressed me the most

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is that she had been able to finish school.

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♪ ♪

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[Alex] It felt like I was in a dream.

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It felt like a Cinderella story.

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I had just come from being on the streets

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to, like, all of this.

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[cheers and applause]

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I grew up with my dad being in prison most of my life,

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my dad beating the crap out of my mom,

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chaos in my house all the time.

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Fights, physical abuse.

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[Oprah] I'm so proud of you.

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You've been through hell,

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and we believe that all you need--

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I believe all you need is somebody who believes in you,

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and I do.

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-[cheers and applause] -I do.

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I do.

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I believe in you.

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I saw myself in Alex.

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The way I was raised by my grandmother,

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whipped at three and four

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and five and six years old.

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And so I've always thought, the reason anybody makes it

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is because if you just have one person

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that says, "I see you.

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I truly see you. I get you."

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[cheers and applause]

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For me, it was my teachers. Mrs. Duncan.

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She was my comfort.

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She was where I saw value in myself.

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I want to be able to give to somebody

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what Ms. Duncan did for me.

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What I saw in Alex was that she needed encouragement,

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she needed support,

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she needed somebody to believe in her,

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get her a scholarship to college.

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[Alex] I had to prove to her that...

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I was gonna make right

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with the decision in her

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in believing in me.

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Unfortunately, I entered into college

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with the education level of a 12-year-old.

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I failed my first semester. F, F, F, F, F.

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[Oprah] Early on in college, she was having problems.

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I recommended a therapist.

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She says, "This therapist is the wrong therapist,"

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so then I went and found another therapist.

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After college, as the years passed,

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I was always just trying to be a supportive friend

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and mentor.

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But there was always an issue.

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"This didn't work out,"

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or "I'm gonna apply for this job,"

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and then that doesn't work out.

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Finally, what I thought was going to be the job,

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that felt like full circle for her,

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was going back where I had first met her,

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Covenant House.

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I was so excited.

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[Alex] This is Covenant House,

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a homeless shelter for youth 18 to 21.

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I stayed here for 11 months when I first came to Hollywood.

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-Buenas. -Buenos días. Cómo estás?

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Working for Covenant House,

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when I would hear a lot of my kids

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talk about their stories,

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it was really triggering for me.

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[Oprah] The job at Covenant House

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lasts for six months,

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and then I noticed her starting to unravel

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in a way that I had not experienced before.

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[whispers] I need help.

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♪ ♪

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It feels like I have to help myself

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because no one has solutions.

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No one knows.

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[Oprah] Many a day, I was saying to myself,

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"What in the world is this?"

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And that's when I recognized that, wow,

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I have now stepped into something

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that I really don't understand.

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It frightened me.

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[Alex] I'll be sitting there thinking, like,

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"I wanna kill myself."

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But why? I don't wanna die.

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I don't... I love my life.

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I don't love my past. I love my current life.

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And it pisses me off

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that my past is still a part of who I am today.

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But I don't get a choice in it.

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[Oprah] She starts telling me that she...

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has been banging her head against some concrete wall.

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I was not equipped to handle

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all that came in the package of this young woman.

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So I found a spot for her

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at The Meadows Psychiatric Treatment Center.

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[Alex] I've kept all my journals.

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Some goes back to when I was in grade nine,

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when I wrote, "My dad is always in jail on my birthday

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because he abuses my mom a lot.

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My whole life is messed up.

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I think of death. It scares me.

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I scare myself."

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It's crazy

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that my mental health goes back to that far.

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Like, being 13, 14.

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Okay. Alex.

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Your day to present your first step.

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[laughs]

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I'm nervous!

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-[both laugh] -[person] You can do it.

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[Alex] All right.

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So part one.

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"My father was abusive towards my mother

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and he was an alcoholic.

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My mother was very abusive towards me

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and she tortured me as a child.

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She would physically, emotionally, verbally abuse me.

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Not being able to cry, not being allowed to cry.

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I hate that I had to live with PTSD my entire life

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and had no skills.

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It felt like a lost battle,

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like I was standing alone in a battlefield,

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defeated, just waiting to be taken out,

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but nothing was killing me."

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[Oprah] I remember the first time she told me

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that she had PTSD...

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...I-I think I didn't have any reaction to it

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because I thought, "Well, that's what soldiers have."

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It didn't even register

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as something that was really real.

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[Dr. Perry] Post-traumatic stress disorder

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was originally used

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with people who were combat veterans.

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And one of the things that we've learned

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over the last 30 years studying trauma,

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when two things co-occur, you know, a sight and a sound,

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your brain connects them,

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literally makes physical connections.

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It makes a memory.

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But the lower part of the brain can't tell time.

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And so people who have developmental trauma

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when they're younger,

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they've got all these little land mines

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in lower parts of their brain.

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Certain evocative cues, any reminder of the event,

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will make them feel anxious and overwhelmed,

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and they're very hard to get around.

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Part of the dilemma of treatment

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is that you're not gonna get

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these simple, linear interventions.

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Whether it's PTSD or depression

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or anxiety disorder or schizophrenia,

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they all have this sort of two step forward,

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one step back.

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One step forward, two steps back.

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Which makes it very hard

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for family, friends trying to help.

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[Alex] The past four months have been intense.

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But I'm transitioning out of The Meadows,

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and it's a big world out there.

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So I'm taking the training wheels off,

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but I know I can pedal.

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[laughs]

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You know? [laughs]

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[laptop rings]

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[laughs]

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-Hey, Alex. -Hey.

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Oh, look at your braids. I love your braids.

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Do you love 'em?

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Yeah, I do. They're great.

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Thank you.

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So what's your plan? What's happening?

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When are you being released from there?

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So I kind of have, like, one week left.

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[Oprah] Okay.

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So how are you gonna take care of yourself?

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What's the plan for that?

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I wanna get a new job.

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What is that job?

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That's a really good question.

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That's what I need to figure out.

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That's what I need to start job searching for, you know?

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-I need to-- -[Oprah] Well, that's 101.

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Yeah.

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I know.

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[Oprah] So when you leave this facility,

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where are you going to stay?

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You've got a few days.

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You're gonna leave here,

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and then you're gonna go where?

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I don't know.

268
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:44,183
You've got to be able to figure out

269
00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:47,145
how you're going to take care of yourself.

270
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:48,354
You don't think I've been

271
00:11:48,438 --> 00:11:49,898
taking care of myself my whole life?

272
00:11:49,981 --> 00:11:51,065
I know that.

273
00:11:51,149 --> 00:11:52,400
I just need to learn

274
00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:54,360
to take care of myself after treatment now.

275
00:11:54,444 --> 00:11:55,653
I get that.

276
00:11:55,737 --> 00:11:57,405
Before I entered into my depression,

277
00:11:57,488 --> 00:11:58,823
I had a job.

278
00:11:58,907 --> 00:12:01,034
I've been taking care of myself, you know?

279
00:12:01,117 --> 00:12:03,328
I know how to take care of myself.

280
00:12:03,411 --> 00:12:05,079
Right now, I'm just starting all over.

281
00:12:05,163 --> 00:12:06,414
I'm not talking about the past.

282
00:12:06,497 --> 00:12:07,790
I'm not talking about the past.

283
00:12:07,874 --> 00:12:09,500
-I'm just talking about now. -I know that.

284
00:12:09,584 --> 00:12:12,170
But if I could do it then, I can do it now.

285
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:15,548
I just--it's gonna take me some time.

286
00:12:15,632 --> 00:12:17,300
-That's it. -I believe that.

287
00:12:17,383 --> 00:12:18,426
-I believe that. -Yeah.

288
00:12:18,509 --> 00:12:19,427
I believe you will.

289
00:12:19,510 --> 00:12:21,596
And I will.

290
00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:23,014
I will.

291
00:12:23,097 --> 00:12:24,849
All right. Take care of yourself.

292
00:12:24,933 --> 00:12:25,767
-You too. -Bye.

293
00:12:25,850 --> 00:12:26,809
Bye.

294
00:12:26,893 --> 00:12:29,812
[soft music]

295
00:12:29,896 --> 00:12:32,482
♪ ♪

296
00:12:32,565 --> 00:12:33,942
It's really hard

297
00:12:34,025 --> 00:12:36,236
'cause sometimes I feel like she just doesn't get it.

298
00:12:36,319 --> 00:12:37,737
[sobs]

299
00:12:41,449 --> 00:12:43,868
I just don't want her to be disappointed in me,

300
00:12:43,952 --> 00:12:46,329
because PTSD is not curable,

301
00:12:46,412 --> 00:12:48,498
so just to have more understanding

302
00:12:48,581 --> 00:12:52,043
of where I'm coming from.

303
00:12:52,126 --> 00:12:54,587
[Oprah] I've now known Alex 16 years.

304
00:12:54,671 --> 00:12:59,092
She is so generous of spirit.

305
00:13:00,802 --> 00:13:03,137
Has such a big, loving heart.

306
00:13:03,221 --> 00:13:04,806
Wants to do well.

307
00:13:04,889 --> 00:13:07,433
My goal is to help her get to the point

308
00:13:07,517 --> 00:13:10,228
where she can stand on her own.

309
00:13:11,521 --> 00:13:13,982
But I've made mistakes.

310
00:13:14,065 --> 00:13:17,443
I recognize that my expectation was faulted.

311
00:13:18,611 --> 00:13:22,991
I wasn't taking into account the mental illness at all.

312
00:13:24,492 --> 00:13:27,287
My journey with Alex caused me

313
00:13:27,370 --> 00:13:29,789
to look at mental health

314
00:13:29,873 --> 00:13:31,165
in a very different way

315
00:13:31,249 --> 00:13:33,459
than I had approached it before.

316
00:13:34,627 --> 00:13:36,504
[Alex] It's not the first time her and I have had

317
00:13:36,588 --> 00:13:39,007
a conversation like that.

318
00:13:39,090 --> 00:13:42,427
I know that she comes from a place of love.

319
00:13:42,510 --> 00:13:44,095
We're both learning.

320
00:13:44,178 --> 00:13:46,764
For her, she's never been with somebody that has PTSD

321
00:13:46,848 --> 00:13:48,725
and who's struggling with nightmares.

322
00:13:48,808 --> 00:13:51,269
It's not just gonna be something that--

323
00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:53,771
you know, in four months, six months, one year.

324
00:13:53,855 --> 00:13:55,732
It's a lifelong journey.

325
00:13:59,527 --> 00:14:02,614
[Dr. Perry] Therapeutic change isn't about therapy.

326
00:14:02,697 --> 00:14:04,532
It's never about, "I got the right medication."

327
00:14:04,616 --> 00:14:06,618
It's never about, "I got the right diagnosis."

328
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:08,161
It's never about that.

329
00:14:08,244 --> 00:14:11,289
It is invariably

330
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:14,083
all about relationship.

331
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:16,336
There was this person.

332
00:14:16,419 --> 00:14:18,421
There was a teacher.

333
00:14:18,504 --> 00:14:21,549
A coach. A family member.

334
00:14:21,633 --> 00:14:23,843
It's about feeling like you belong,

335
00:14:23,927 --> 00:14:26,012
felling like you're connected.

336
00:14:26,095 --> 00:14:31,226
♪ ♪

337
00:14:31,309 --> 00:14:34,312
[babbling indistinctly]

338
00:14:36,773 --> 00:14:38,149
Hey, you get these guys.

339
00:14:38,233 --> 00:14:40,068
You had these guys, and I'll take these guys.

340
00:14:40,151 --> 00:14:42,737
[Zak] I had a happy childhood.

341
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:46,491
I was a child of divorce.

342
00:14:46,574 --> 00:14:49,619
I had two nuclear families.

343
00:14:52,872 --> 00:14:55,500
But there's a lot of joy in my life

344
00:14:55,583 --> 00:14:56,876
from a very early age,

345
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,129
and when it came to my dad,

346
00:15:00,213 --> 00:15:04,467
as a parent, he was like a great friend.

347
00:15:04,551 --> 00:15:07,887
Please say hello to Robin Williams.

348
00:15:07,971 --> 00:15:10,139
[cheers and applause]

349
00:15:10,223 --> 00:15:11,766
Here's a picture of my son, if we...

350
00:15:11,849 --> 00:15:13,935
[David] Aww. What's his name?

351
00:15:14,018 --> 00:15:15,311
[Robin] His name is Zachary.

352
00:15:15,395 --> 00:15:16,938
Zachary, you just missed him in person.

353
00:15:17,021 --> 00:15:18,398
-How old is he? -He's four.

354
00:15:18,481 --> 00:15:20,233
Oh, okay. Your daddy's a great guy.

355
00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:21,568
This is for my son.

356
00:15:21,651 --> 00:15:23,862
-Can we take a picture? -[all] Oh!

357
00:15:23,945 --> 00:15:26,531
[Zak] He was away a lot.

358
00:15:26,614 --> 00:15:28,449
But when I did get an opportunity

359
00:15:28,533 --> 00:15:29,534
to spend time with him...

360
00:15:29,617 --> 00:15:31,369
[babbling indistinctly]

361
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,705
...we got to bond around shared hobbies.

362
00:15:33,788 --> 00:15:35,999
Computer games, video games, science fiction,

363
00:15:36,082 --> 00:15:38,585
and, you know, toy soldiers that he collected.

364
00:15:38,668 --> 00:15:40,086
I was just-- I was so into that.

365
00:15:40,169 --> 00:15:41,629
I thought it was the coolest thing

366
00:15:41,713 --> 00:15:43,381
that that's what my dad was into.

367
00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:44,632
Why?

368
00:15:44,716 --> 00:15:46,050
Gotta take those guys to the hospital.

369
00:15:46,134 --> 00:15:48,303
Gotta have Koala Bill rushed to the hospital.

370
00:15:48,386 --> 00:15:51,848
Because Koala Bill is very careful.

371
00:15:51,931 --> 00:15:54,225
He's been... wounded.

372
00:15:54,309 --> 00:15:56,811
[Zak] I certainly grew up feeling loved.

373
00:15:56,895 --> 00:16:00,356
But my dad was experiencing

374
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,900
mental health issues

375
00:16:01,983 --> 00:16:04,944
for a good portion of his life.

376
00:16:05,028 --> 00:16:07,822
A whole lot of anxiety and depression

377
00:16:07,906 --> 00:16:10,533
and addiction.

378
00:16:10,617 --> 00:16:13,286
There's a generational issue going on.

379
00:16:14,913 --> 00:16:16,915
I've experienced mental health issues

380
00:16:16,998 --> 00:16:18,249
my entire life.

381
00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:20,752
I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

382
00:16:20,835 --> 00:16:23,046
Having to count out certain actions

383
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:25,798
before I went to bed at night.

384
00:16:25,882 --> 00:16:28,801
Obsessing over things.

385
00:16:28,885 --> 00:16:30,929
I didn't sleep very much as a kid.

386
00:16:31,012 --> 00:16:32,847
I had really bad insomnia.

387
00:16:32,931 --> 00:16:35,099
I had a lot of energy and a racing mind,

388
00:16:35,183 --> 00:16:37,894
and I inherited that to some degree.

389
00:16:37,977 --> 00:16:39,270
[Robin] God, it's incredible!

390
00:16:39,354 --> 00:16:40,813
And I try and do sweet things for him.

391
00:16:40,897 --> 00:16:42,148
I try.

392
00:16:42,232 --> 00:16:43,107
I said, "I'll take him to Disneyland.

393
00:16:43,191 --> 00:16:44,275
That'll be fun.

394
00:16:44,359 --> 00:16:45,527
Mickey Mouse for a three-year-old.

395
00:16:45,610 --> 00:16:46,611
Yes, Mickey Mouse for a three-year-old.

396
00:16:46,694 --> 00:16:47,737
That'll be incredible."

397
00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:48,696
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old

398
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:50,156
is a 6-foot fucking rat.

399
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,283
[laughter]

400
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:54,202
There's Mickey going, "Hiya, little buddy!"

401
00:16:54,285 --> 00:16:55,703
"Aah!

402
00:16:55,787 --> 00:16:57,705
Aah!"

403
00:16:57,789 --> 00:17:00,375
[person] Good morning, Zachary.

404
00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:04,128
[Zak] As I became an adolescent,

405
00:17:04,212 --> 00:17:07,965
I found using alcohol and drugs

406
00:17:08,049 --> 00:17:11,135
helped me calm my mind.

407
00:17:11,219 --> 00:17:13,053
It became a very normal part of my experience

408
00:17:13,137 --> 00:17:16,683
to rely upon alcohol and drugs and things like that

409
00:17:16,765 --> 00:17:19,435
to manage the racing mind.

410
00:17:22,105 --> 00:17:23,982
I started to realize elements of myself

411
00:17:24,065 --> 00:17:25,774
that were like him.

412
00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:28,485
My anxiety, my bouts of depression,

413
00:17:28,570 --> 00:17:33,074
OCD, drugs, drinking, like him.

414
00:17:33,157 --> 00:17:36,119
When I wasn't self-medicating,

415
00:17:36,202 --> 00:17:39,372
things felt completely overwhelming for me.

416
00:17:39,455 --> 00:17:43,209
You add the alcohol into the mix,

417
00:17:43,293 --> 00:17:45,879
and then suddenly, it becomes very singular in the thinking.

418
00:17:45,962 --> 00:17:49,257
It's like, "Oh, I'm drinking," and suddenly the mind calms.

419
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:50,800
I think-- [stammers]

420
00:17:50,884 --> 00:17:53,136
Slow down now. Slow down. My heart's going, "You fool."

421
00:17:53,219 --> 00:17:54,804
You know, people see you and they probably think

422
00:17:54,888 --> 00:17:56,055
you experiment

423
00:17:56,139 --> 00:17:58,600
with foreign substances in your body.

424
00:17:58,683 --> 00:17:59,809
-Medication, you mean? -[David] Yes.

425
00:17:59,893 --> 00:18:03,396
-No, not me. -[laughter]

426
00:18:03,479 --> 00:18:06,107
[Zak] And it just became part of my identity.

427
00:18:06,191 --> 00:18:07,525
I'm just like, "I can do this

428
00:18:07,609 --> 00:18:09,194
so I can get through the day."

429
00:18:10,486 --> 00:18:12,363
And the weird thing for me, I would take uppers.

430
00:18:12,447 --> 00:18:16,993
I would use cocaine and the like to calm down.

431
00:18:17,076 --> 00:18:19,329
I talked to my dad about it. He was similar.

432
00:18:19,412 --> 00:18:21,331
Let's really make the cameraman mad now.

433
00:18:21,414 --> 00:18:22,999
[Zak] He would use uppers

434
00:18:23,082 --> 00:18:25,960
as a way of focusing and relaxing.

435
00:18:26,044 --> 00:18:28,755
-Is my lipstick on? -[laughter]

436
00:18:28,838 --> 00:18:30,882
I think where we really started to have

437
00:18:30,965 --> 00:18:34,010
a deeper, more profound understanding of one another

438
00:18:34,093 --> 00:18:37,722
is when he decided to stop drinking,

439
00:18:37,805 --> 00:18:41,434
which was around the time that I first realized

440
00:18:41,517 --> 00:18:43,519
I had a problem.

441
00:18:46,314 --> 00:18:49,150
So we engaged around that.

442
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:52,153
I wanted to be able to get to know him better

443
00:18:52,237 --> 00:18:54,447
because I didn't really understand

444
00:18:54,531 --> 00:18:57,450
what he had been through.

445
00:18:57,534 --> 00:19:01,538
When he received a diagnosis that was Parkinson's...

446
00:19:04,999 --> 00:19:08,169
I was worried for him.

447
00:19:08,253 --> 00:19:10,088
But I was confused.

448
00:19:12,298 --> 00:19:16,511
He felt like his ability to do the things he loved doing,

449
00:19:16,594 --> 00:19:18,513
which involved entertaining and performing,

450
00:19:18,596 --> 00:19:21,057
was slipping away.

451
00:19:21,140 --> 00:19:22,433
What I saw with my dad is

452
00:19:22,517 --> 00:19:24,310
an enormous amount of frustration.

453
00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:28,439
He was slowly drifting.

454
00:19:28,523 --> 00:19:31,526
I was still drinking at the time.

455
00:19:31,609 --> 00:19:33,987
I was becoming overwhelmed,

456
00:19:34,070 --> 00:19:35,738
becoming exasperated,

457
00:19:35,822 --> 00:19:39,450
because I wasn't sure how I could help my dad.

458
00:19:41,786 --> 00:19:44,581
I talked to him nearly every day,

459
00:19:44,664 --> 00:19:46,541
if not every day,

460
00:19:46,624 --> 00:19:50,211
throughout the final stage of his life.

461
00:19:50,295 --> 00:19:53,673
Actor Robin Williams is dead at the age of 63

462
00:19:53,756 --> 00:19:55,216
from an apparent suicide.

463
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:58,219
Robin Williams has died on the West Coast.

464
00:19:58,303 --> 00:19:59,929
He was 63 years old.

465
00:20:00,013 --> 00:20:01,431
I've been thinking about Robin Williams.

466
00:20:01,514 --> 00:20:06,394
This is absolutely shocking and horrifying.

467
00:20:08,271 --> 00:20:09,689
[Zak] I was shocked.

468
00:20:09,772 --> 00:20:12,692
[somber music]

469
00:20:12,775 --> 00:20:15,695
♪ ♪

470
00:20:15,778 --> 00:20:20,533
His passing created this worldwide event.

471
00:20:21,826 --> 00:20:25,079
I was publicly grieving.

472
00:20:25,163 --> 00:20:27,832
I didn't know how to grieve privately.

473
00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:29,792
I just wasn't equipped

474
00:20:29,876 --> 00:20:34,672
to be able to be still by myself

475
00:20:34,756 --> 00:20:38,134
and experience all this.

476
00:20:38,218 --> 00:20:40,720
But what did the bullet do?

477
00:20:40,803 --> 00:20:43,598
Pierced his armor and hurt him.

478
00:20:43,681 --> 00:20:44,933
But wasn't dead.

479
00:20:45,016 --> 00:20:46,851
He's not dead, no, but that's why Tom Cat

480
00:20:46,935 --> 00:20:50,104
and Aardvark Al are taking him in.

481
00:20:50,188 --> 00:20:53,399
[Zak] There was just things I wanted to tell him.

482
00:20:53,483 --> 00:20:56,361
And things that I wanted to talk through with him.

483
00:20:56,444 --> 00:21:00,740
And I did get an opportunity to do some of that,

484
00:21:00,823 --> 00:21:03,284
but not to the level that I wanted to.

485
00:21:05,828 --> 00:21:08,206
And my life became unmanageable as part of that.

486
00:21:08,289 --> 00:21:11,376
I was just angry and sad

487
00:21:11,459 --> 00:21:15,672
and didn't wanna feel anything, and...

488
00:21:17,298 --> 00:21:21,344
And so it just created wreckage.

489
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,723
I was drinking to excess,

490
00:21:25,807 --> 00:21:28,434
damaging my relationship with my family.

491
00:21:28,518 --> 00:21:30,395
I was experiencing psychosis.

492
00:21:32,272 --> 00:21:36,234
It was difficult for me to have

493
00:21:36,317 --> 00:21:38,987
just normal engagements with people,

494
00:21:39,070 --> 00:21:41,072
just have a normal conversation with people,

495
00:21:41,155 --> 00:21:45,118
because I felt so broken and so isolated.

496
00:21:48,746 --> 00:21:50,623
[Ken] For many people who are having

497
00:21:50,707 --> 00:21:53,835
very difficult times with their grief,

498
00:21:53,918 --> 00:21:57,839
clearly, addiction is a major vulnerability.

499
00:21:59,632 --> 00:22:03,428
Addiction is a big crisis in America now,

500
00:22:03,511 --> 00:22:07,098
but we have come to see this as a biological vulnerability

501
00:22:07,181 --> 00:22:09,392
instead of a moral failing.

502
00:22:09,475 --> 00:22:12,186
So we no longer call it substance abuse disorder.

503
00:22:12,270 --> 00:22:14,564
We call it substance use disorder.

504
00:22:14,647 --> 00:22:16,357
It's very important.

505
00:22:16,441 --> 00:22:18,067
You have a biological vulnerability,

506
00:22:18,151 --> 00:22:20,528
and your behavior influences it.

507
00:22:20,612 --> 00:22:24,449
In this way, this is precisely like diabetes

508
00:22:24,532 --> 00:22:26,159
or illnesses that we don't have

509
00:22:26,242 --> 00:22:28,536
these moral judgments about.

510
00:22:29,746 --> 00:22:32,040
Every person is different.

511
00:22:32,123 --> 00:22:33,791
What I've come to really appreciate

512
00:22:33,875 --> 00:22:35,335
is the uniqueness

513
00:22:35,418 --> 00:22:37,879
of the recovery journey for each person.

514
00:22:41,341 --> 00:22:42,759
[Zak] I needed help.

515
00:22:42,842 --> 00:22:44,219
And I was diagnosed

516
00:22:44,302 --> 00:22:46,930
with post-traumatic stress disorder.

517
00:22:47,013 --> 00:22:48,848
And that was a wake-up call.

518
00:22:48,932 --> 00:22:52,352
I needed to change my life.

519
00:22:52,435 --> 00:22:55,396
I also had to cut out the self-medicating

520
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,482
and experience things in the way

521
00:22:57,565 --> 00:23:00,318
that I needed to experience them and just feel,

522
00:23:00,401 --> 00:23:02,362
despite how painful it all felt.

523
00:23:04,072 --> 00:23:07,242
I needed to find a way

524
00:23:07,325 --> 00:23:10,495
in which I could share my experience

525
00:23:10,578 --> 00:23:12,580
and be vulnerable

526
00:23:12,664 --> 00:23:16,000
and give back.

527
00:23:16,084 --> 00:23:18,711
That led me down the path to mental health advocacy.

528
00:23:18,795 --> 00:23:21,047
[anchor] Robin William's oldest son Zak

529
00:23:21,130 --> 00:23:23,091
is part of a group called Inseparable,

530
00:23:23,174 --> 00:23:24,926
which supports increased access

531
00:23:25,009 --> 00:23:27,554
to affordable, high-quality mental health care.

532
00:23:27,637 --> 00:23:29,138
Welcome, Zak Williams.

533
00:23:29,222 --> 00:23:31,099
Thank you so much for being with us.

534
00:23:31,182 --> 00:23:32,976
I think we need to shift our mindset

535
00:23:33,059 --> 00:23:34,435
from thinking about it as weakness

536
00:23:34,519 --> 00:23:35,979
to thinking about it as a strength.

537
00:23:36,062 --> 00:23:38,606
It's become very clear that I need to continue

538
00:23:38,690 --> 00:23:40,316
to focus on...

539
00:23:43,069 --> 00:23:45,613
...service, in order to continue

540
00:23:45,697 --> 00:23:48,324
to feel the sense of fulfilment.

541
00:23:51,286 --> 00:23:53,913
Probably because I can't sit still.

542
00:23:56,332 --> 00:24:00,795
[Olivia] I knew Zak was so ready to be a dad.

543
00:24:00,879 --> 00:24:04,924
I was really impressed with the self-work

544
00:24:05,008 --> 00:24:07,844
that Zak was committed to.

545
00:24:07,927 --> 00:24:12,015
And I wanted a partner who was into growing together,

546
00:24:12,098 --> 00:24:15,393
to willingfully change ourselves

547
00:24:15,476 --> 00:24:18,897
to become better, and I found that in Zak.

548
00:24:18,980 --> 00:24:21,316
[Zak] Olivia really helped nurture healing

549
00:24:21,399 --> 00:24:23,735
and enabled me to open up.

550
00:24:23,818 --> 00:24:25,945
I'm committed to being sober,

551
00:24:26,029 --> 00:24:29,616
and I'm continuing to treat the underlying symptoms

552
00:24:29,699 --> 00:24:32,493
that led me to addictive behavior.

553
00:24:32,577 --> 00:24:34,913
And that's a journey.

554
00:24:35,997 --> 00:24:37,749
It's only in hindsight that you see these things

555
00:24:37,832 --> 00:24:41,211
and you say, "Wow, there's a generational issue going on."

556
00:24:43,129 --> 00:24:44,631
I love being a parent.

557
00:24:44,714 --> 00:24:46,799
It's been the best thing ever.

558
00:24:46,883 --> 00:24:48,676
Do I feel that there's an opportunity

559
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,763
to break a generational cycle?

560
00:24:53,223 --> 00:24:56,142
Yeah, I think there's a major opportunity.

561
00:24:57,810 --> 00:25:02,565
To show up for my son clear-eyed and focused.

562
00:25:02,649 --> 00:25:04,901
To be there for him.

563
00:25:07,070 --> 00:25:08,863
[Robin] There are times my son looks at me

564
00:25:08,947 --> 00:25:10,907
and gives me that look in the eyes like,

565
00:25:10,990 --> 00:25:12,116
"Well?

566
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,743
What's it gonna be?"

567
00:25:13,826 --> 00:25:16,663
"Hey, Zakka, it's...

568
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,334
...I don't know.

569
00:25:21,417 --> 00:25:24,837
But maybe along the way, you take my hand,

570
00:25:24,921 --> 00:25:26,881
tell a few jokes, and have some fun.

571
00:25:26,965 --> 00:25:29,509
Hey, how do you get to the Met?"

572
00:25:29,592 --> 00:25:30,677
"Money."

573
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,303
[laughter]

574
00:25:32,387 --> 00:25:34,514
"Yeah. Come on, pal.

575
00:25:34,597 --> 00:25:36,641
You're not afraid, are you?"

576
00:25:36,724 --> 00:25:37,976
"Nah.

577
00:25:38,059 --> 00:25:39,060
Fuck it."

578
00:25:39,143 --> 00:25:40,353
[laughter]

579
00:25:40,436 --> 00:25:43,356
[cheers and applause]

580
00:25:43,439 --> 00:25:46,359
[soft music]

581
00:25:46,442 --> 00:25:53,449
♪ ♪

582
00:25:57,871 --> 00:26:00,081
Everybody has some form of pain.

583
00:26:00,164 --> 00:26:02,417
You can think you're the most successful,

584
00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:03,751
happiest person.

585
00:26:03,835 --> 00:26:06,671
That doesn't mean that your life is sorted.

586
00:26:06,754 --> 00:26:09,382
So was there a moment, was there a single moment

587
00:26:09,465 --> 00:26:12,468
or a series of experiences

588
00:26:12,552 --> 00:26:14,679
or encounters, happenings,

589
00:26:14,762 --> 00:26:17,473
that forced you to say, "I need help,"

590
00:26:17,557 --> 00:26:20,435
"Maybe I'm drinking too much," "I'm doing this to my"--

591
00:26:20,518 --> 00:26:22,604
was there an incident?

592
00:26:22,687 --> 00:26:26,858
No, it was only when a couple of people close to me

593
00:26:26,941 --> 00:26:29,569
started to say, you know, "This isn't normal behavior.

594
00:26:29,652 --> 00:26:31,863
Perhaps you should, you know, look into this,"

595
00:26:31,946 --> 00:26:33,489
or, "Perhaps you should go and seek help."

596
00:26:33,573 --> 00:26:35,992
Now, immediately, I was like... like, "I don't need help."

597
00:26:36,075 --> 00:26:37,202
Course not.

598
00:26:37,285 --> 00:26:38,203
And now in hindsight, looking back,

599
00:26:38,286 --> 00:26:40,580
it's all about timing.

600
00:26:40,663 --> 00:26:43,041
Towards my late 20s,

601
00:26:43,124 --> 00:26:45,668
everything became really hectic for me,

602
00:26:45,752 --> 00:26:48,379
but to the point of exhaustion.

603
00:26:48,463 --> 00:26:50,089
I was traveling all over the place

604
00:26:50,173 --> 00:26:52,342
because, you know, from the family's perspective,

605
00:26:52,425 --> 00:26:54,302
I guess I was the person who, like--

606
00:26:54,385 --> 00:26:55,970
"We need someone to go there.

607
00:26:56,054 --> 00:26:58,473
Nepal. Harry, you go."

608
00:26:58,556 --> 00:26:59,891
I was always the yes man.

609
00:26:59,974 --> 00:27:01,517
I was always the one willing to say yes.

610
00:27:01,601 --> 00:27:04,979
But that "Yes and yes and yes, yes, of course, yes, yes, yes,"

611
00:27:05,063 --> 00:27:06,439
led to burnout.

612
00:27:06,523 --> 00:27:08,483
And it was like someone had taken the lid off.

613
00:27:08,566 --> 00:27:10,235
All of the emotions that I had suppressed

614
00:27:10,318 --> 00:27:12,820
for so many years suddenly came to the forefront,

615
00:27:12,904 --> 00:27:16,032
and I saw GPs, I saw doctors, I saw therapists,

616
00:27:16,115 --> 00:27:19,327
I saw alternative therapists, I saw all sorts of people,

617
00:27:19,410 --> 00:27:23,456
but it was meeting and being with Meghan.

618
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:26,000
-Really? -I knew that if I didn't

619
00:27:26,084 --> 00:27:29,379
do the therapy and fix myself,

620
00:27:29,462 --> 00:27:30,880
that I was gonna lose this woman

621
00:27:30,964 --> 00:27:34,008
who I could see spending the rest of my life with.

622
00:27:35,552 --> 00:27:36,970
There was a lot of learning

623
00:27:37,053 --> 00:27:39,138
right at the beginning of our relationship.

624
00:27:39,222 --> 00:27:41,975
She was shocked to be coming backstage

625
00:27:42,058 --> 00:27:45,687
of the institution, of the British royal family.

626
00:27:45,770 --> 00:27:48,648
When she said, "I think you need to see someone,"

627
00:27:48,731 --> 00:27:51,818
it was in reaction to an argument that we had.

628
00:27:51,901 --> 00:27:54,654
And in that argument,

629
00:27:54,737 --> 00:27:57,156
not knowing about it,

630
00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,201
I reverted back to 12-year-old Harry.

631
00:28:02,328 --> 00:28:03,663
The moment I started therapy,

632
00:28:03,746 --> 00:28:05,707
it was probably within my second session,

633
00:28:05,790 --> 00:28:07,292
my therapist turned 'round to me and said,

634
00:28:07,375 --> 00:28:08,585
"That sounds like you

635
00:28:08,668 --> 00:28:10,712
reverting to 12-year-old Harry."

636
00:28:10,795 --> 00:28:14,382
I felt somewhat ashamed and defensive.

637
00:28:14,465 --> 00:28:16,968
Like, "How dare you? You're calling me a child."

638
00:28:17,051 --> 00:28:19,345
And she goes, "No, I'm not calling you a child.

639
00:28:19,429 --> 00:28:21,723
I'm expressing sympathy and empathy for you,

640
00:28:21,806 --> 00:28:23,558
for what happened to you when you were a child.

641
00:28:23,641 --> 00:28:24,851
You never processed it.

642
00:28:24,934 --> 00:28:26,603
You were never allowed to talk about it.

643
00:28:26,686 --> 00:28:27,854
And all of a sudden, now,

644
00:28:27,937 --> 00:28:29,856
it's coming up in different ways

645
00:28:29,939 --> 00:28:31,482
as projection."

646
00:28:31,566 --> 00:28:33,943
[solemn music]

647
00:28:34,027 --> 00:28:37,572
That was the start of a learning journey for me.

648
00:28:38,615 --> 00:28:40,742
I became aware that I'd been living in a bubble

649
00:28:40,825 --> 00:28:43,411
within this family, within this institution,

650
00:28:43,494 --> 00:28:45,246
and I was sort of almost trapped

651
00:28:45,330 --> 00:28:47,415
in a thought process or a mindset.

652
00:28:48,875 --> 00:28:50,168
Within the first eight days

653
00:28:50,251 --> 00:28:52,128
of our relationship being made public

654
00:28:52,212 --> 00:28:54,088
was when they said, "Harry's girl:

655
00:28:54,172 --> 00:28:57,217
almost straight outta Compton."

656
00:28:57,300 --> 00:28:59,385
And that her exotic DNA

657
00:28:59,469 --> 00:29:01,095
would be thickening the royal blood.

658
00:29:02,889 --> 00:29:04,933
We would get followed, photographed,

659
00:29:05,016 --> 00:29:05,892
chased, harassed.

660
00:29:05,975 --> 00:29:07,644
[cameras clicking]

661
00:29:07,727 --> 00:29:09,354
The clicking of cameras and the flashes of cameras

662
00:29:09,437 --> 00:29:10,396
makes my blood boil.

663
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:11,731
It makes me angry.

664
00:29:11,814 --> 00:29:13,274
It takes me back to what happened to my mum

665
00:29:13,358 --> 00:29:15,068
and what I experienced when I was a kid.

666
00:29:15,151 --> 00:29:16,569
That's enough.

667
00:29:16,653 --> 00:29:19,280
[Harry] But it went to a whole new depth

668
00:29:19,364 --> 00:29:21,115
with not just traditional media,

669
00:29:21,199 --> 00:29:23,576
but also social media platforms as well.

670
00:29:24,953 --> 00:29:26,913
I felt completely helpless.

671
00:29:28,331 --> 00:29:30,750
I thought my family would help.

672
00:29:30,833 --> 00:29:35,213
But every single ask, request,

673
00:29:35,296 --> 00:29:36,881
warning, whatever it is

674
00:29:36,965 --> 00:29:41,135
just got met with total silence or total neglect.

675
00:29:43,012 --> 00:29:45,974
We spent four years trying to make it work.

676
00:29:46,057 --> 00:29:48,643
We did everything that we possibly could

677
00:29:48,726 --> 00:29:50,562
to stay there and carry on

678
00:29:50,645 --> 00:29:53,982
doing the role and doing the job.

679
00:29:54,065 --> 00:29:56,192
But Meghan was struggling.

680
00:29:58,486 --> 00:29:59,904
And people have seen the photograph

681
00:29:59,988 --> 00:30:02,949
of us, you know, squeezing each other's hands

682
00:30:03,032 --> 00:30:04,284
as we walked into the Royal Albert Hall

683
00:30:04,367 --> 00:30:06,619
in London for a charity event.

684
00:30:06,703 --> 00:30:09,581
She was six months pregnant at the time.

685
00:30:09,664 --> 00:30:12,041
What perhaps people don't understand is,

686
00:30:12,125 --> 00:30:14,544
earlier that evening,

687
00:30:14,627 --> 00:30:17,005
Meghan decided to share with me

688
00:30:17,088 --> 00:30:20,383
the suicidal thoughts and the practicalities

689
00:30:20,466 --> 00:30:24,095
of how she was going to end her life.

690
00:30:24,178 --> 00:30:28,558
The scariest thing for her was her clarity of thought.

691
00:30:28,641 --> 00:30:30,894
She hadn't lost it.

692
00:30:30,977 --> 00:30:32,687
She wasn't crazy.

693
00:30:32,770 --> 00:30:34,439
She wasn't self-medicating,

694
00:30:34,522 --> 00:30:36,399
be it through pills or through alcohol.

695
00:30:36,482 --> 00:30:38,568
She was absolutely sober.

696
00:30:38,651 --> 00:30:40,862
She was completely sane.

697
00:30:42,739 --> 00:30:45,116
Yet in the quiet of night,

698
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:47,327
these thoughts woke her up.

699
00:30:51,206 --> 00:30:54,959
The thing that stopped her from seeing it through

700
00:30:55,043 --> 00:30:57,003
was how unfair it would be on me

701
00:30:57,086 --> 00:30:59,839
after everything that had happened to my mum,

702
00:30:59,923 --> 00:31:01,591
and to now be put in a position

703
00:31:01,674 --> 00:31:04,510
of losing another woman in my life

704
00:31:04,594 --> 00:31:08,306
with a baby inside of her, our baby.

705
00:31:08,389 --> 00:31:11,976
I'm somewhat ashamed of the way that I dealt with it.

706
00:31:12,060 --> 00:31:14,187
And of course, because of the system that we were in

707
00:31:14,270 --> 00:31:18,316
and the responsibilities and the duties that we had,

708
00:31:18,399 --> 00:31:20,360
we had a quick cuddle,

709
00:31:20,443 --> 00:31:22,403
and then we had to get changed

710
00:31:22,487 --> 00:31:24,405
and had to jump in a convoy with a police escort

711
00:31:24,489 --> 00:31:26,157
and drive to the Royal Albert Hall

712
00:31:26,241 --> 00:31:27,534
for a charity event

713
00:31:27,617 --> 00:31:31,371
and then step out into a wall of cameras

714
00:31:31,454 --> 00:31:33,665
and pretend as though everything's okay.

715
00:31:36,125 --> 00:31:38,169
There wasn't an option to say, "You know what?

716
00:31:38,253 --> 00:31:40,922
Tonight, we're not gonna go."

717
00:31:41,005 --> 00:31:43,216
Because just imagine the stories

718
00:31:43,299 --> 00:31:45,051
that come from that.

719
00:31:45,134 --> 00:31:49,430
[cheers and applause]

720
00:31:49,514 --> 00:31:52,433
While my wife and I were in those chairs,

721
00:31:52,517 --> 00:31:55,186
gripping each other's hand,

722
00:31:55,270 --> 00:31:59,023
the moment the lights go down, Meghan starts crying.

723
00:31:59,107 --> 00:32:00,859
I'm feeling sorry for her,

724
00:32:00,942 --> 00:32:02,527
but I'm also really angry with myself

725
00:32:02,610 --> 00:32:05,113
that we're stuck in this situation.

726
00:32:05,196 --> 00:32:07,991
I was ashamed that it got this bad.

727
00:32:08,074 --> 00:32:11,953
I was ashamed to go to my family.

728
00:32:12,036 --> 00:32:13,621
Because to be honest with you,

729
00:32:13,705 --> 00:32:14,914
like a lot of other people my age

730
00:32:14,998 --> 00:32:16,249
could probably relate to,

731
00:32:16,332 --> 00:32:18,751
I know that I'm not gonna get from my family

732
00:32:18,835 --> 00:32:20,378
what I need.

733
00:32:22,338 --> 00:32:24,632
I then had a son

734
00:32:24,716 --> 00:32:28,011
who I'd far rather be solely focused on,

735
00:32:28,094 --> 00:32:30,013
rather than every time I look in his eyes

736
00:32:30,096 --> 00:32:33,683
wondering whether my wife is gonna end up like my mother

737
00:32:33,766 --> 00:32:35,810
and I'm gonna have to look after him myself.

738
00:32:38,771 --> 00:32:40,899
That was one of the biggest reasons to leave.

739
00:32:42,984 --> 00:32:45,361
Feeling trapped and feeling controlled

740
00:32:45,445 --> 00:32:46,905
through fear,

741
00:32:46,988 --> 00:32:49,991
both by the media and by the system itself...

742
00:32:51,451 --> 00:32:53,203
...which never encouraged

743
00:32:53,286 --> 00:32:56,873
the talking about this kind of trauma.

744
00:32:56,956 --> 00:33:00,168
But certainly now, I will never be bullied into silence.

745
00:33:00,251 --> 00:33:06,674
♪ ♪

746
00:33:07,675 --> 00:33:08,843
[Crystal] Sophomore year of high school,

747
00:33:08,927 --> 00:33:11,054
I felt, like, really lost.

748
00:33:13,514 --> 00:33:16,184
I have this feeling, and I don't know

749
00:33:16,267 --> 00:33:18,478
exactly what it is, but I might know what it is,

750
00:33:18,561 --> 00:33:21,272
but, like, is this really happening,

751
00:33:21,356 --> 00:33:24,692
and how do I bring this up

752
00:33:24,776 --> 00:33:26,611
to the people around me?

753
00:33:26,694 --> 00:33:29,614
[soft music]

754
00:33:29,697 --> 00:33:32,325
♪ ♪

755
00:33:32,408 --> 00:33:33,701
The moment where I was like, "Okay,

756
00:33:33,785 --> 00:33:35,745
like, maybe I am depressed,"

757
00:33:35,828 --> 00:33:38,831
was freshman year of college.

758
00:33:43,753 --> 00:33:47,590
I was excited to play Division 3 tennis,

759
00:33:47,674 --> 00:33:50,426
but I think I just had the wrong idea

760
00:33:50,510 --> 00:33:53,680
of what college was gonna be like.

761
00:33:55,181 --> 00:33:57,392
Being away from home for the first time

762
00:33:57,475 --> 00:33:59,394
was like a big change.

763
00:34:01,020 --> 00:34:04,023
I was just dragging myself through campus.

764
00:34:05,525 --> 00:34:09,237
Having a hard time finding the energy to leave my room.

765
00:34:10,822 --> 00:34:12,407
Going to college changed the way

766
00:34:12,490 --> 00:34:14,617
that I navigated depression

767
00:34:14,700 --> 00:34:17,829
because you're always around people,

768
00:34:17,912 --> 00:34:21,541
so there was a lot of, like, compartmentalizing.

769
00:34:21,624 --> 00:34:25,503
Like, "This is not the time to have a breakdown.

770
00:34:25,586 --> 00:34:28,214
Do it from, like, 12:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m.,

771
00:34:28,298 --> 00:34:29,756
and then you go to class,

772
00:34:29,841 --> 00:34:33,135
and then maybe at 8:00 p.m., you can have another breakdown

773
00:34:33,218 --> 00:34:34,970
when your roommate's not in the room."

774
00:34:36,514 --> 00:34:40,059
"My mind is in a jumble, and I can't focus on anything.

775
00:34:40,142 --> 00:34:43,396
I can't even remember when I genuinely felt happiness.

776
00:34:44,439 --> 00:34:47,483
I feel myself hurting so much, and it won't stop.

777
00:34:47,566 --> 00:34:51,321
Sometimes I think, 'Am I amplifying my own problems?

778
00:34:51,403 --> 00:34:53,031
Am I just not resilient?'

779
00:34:53,113 --> 00:34:55,450
I don't know."

780
00:34:55,533 --> 00:34:57,452
[Ken] 3/4 of all mental health conditions

781
00:34:57,535 --> 00:35:00,205
occur before age 25.

782
00:35:00,288 --> 00:35:01,456
When you're in those years,

783
00:35:01,539 --> 00:35:03,875
you're trying to figure out who you are.

784
00:35:03,958 --> 00:35:06,628
Being handed an additional challenge,

785
00:35:06,711 --> 00:35:08,254
a condition that you have to integrate

786
00:35:08,338 --> 00:35:09,797
into your identity,

787
00:35:09,881 --> 00:35:12,926
is, I think, one of the biggest challenges people face.

788
00:35:13,009 --> 00:35:14,510
Is this who I am?

789
00:35:14,594 --> 00:35:16,095
Is this a piece of who I am?

790
00:35:16,179 --> 00:35:17,722
Can I learn to live with this?

791
00:35:17,805 --> 00:35:19,807
Will this ever come back?

792
00:35:21,893 --> 00:35:25,021
And colleges and universities vary tremendously.

793
00:35:25,104 --> 00:35:28,066
There is no coordinated mental health system.

794
00:35:28,149 --> 00:35:31,361
It can be very difficult to find professional help.

795
00:35:33,279 --> 00:35:34,531
[Crystal] When I needed help,

796
00:35:34,614 --> 00:35:37,534
I apply for academic accommodations.

797
00:35:37,617 --> 00:35:39,619
It was frustrating because it felt like

798
00:35:39,702 --> 00:35:44,123
I had to prove that I was depressed somehow.

799
00:35:45,458 --> 00:35:47,752
Which I don't really know how you do.

800
00:35:49,629 --> 00:35:51,214
There were a lot of midterms

801
00:35:51,297 --> 00:35:54,467
and there was a lot of pressure from tennis.

802
00:35:54,551 --> 00:35:58,179
So after coming back from nationals with my team,

803
00:35:58,263 --> 00:36:01,891
I think I just had, like, a breakdown.

804
00:36:03,726 --> 00:36:06,145
So I went home.

805
00:36:09,941 --> 00:36:13,152
My parents immigrated from Taiwan.

806
00:36:13,236 --> 00:36:15,905
We were raised in a way that's like,

807
00:36:15,989 --> 00:36:19,492
if you know how to deal with your own problems,

808
00:36:19,576 --> 00:36:22,036
you're stronger for it.

809
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,122
Mental health in my family

810
00:36:24,205 --> 00:36:27,375
was never a conversation that anyone had.

811
00:36:27,458 --> 00:36:31,963
So as a first-generation Asian American,

812
00:36:32,046 --> 00:36:36,134
I had to start the conversation.

813
00:36:36,217 --> 00:36:39,178
And it wasn't like, "Oh, like,

814
00:36:39,262 --> 00:36:41,139
you've started questioning things,

815
00:36:41,222 --> 00:36:42,765
and it's okay.

816
00:36:42,849 --> 00:36:44,517
Like, I've felt this way before,"

817
00:36:44,601 --> 00:36:46,311
or, like, "Let's talk about it."

818
00:36:46,394 --> 00:36:48,855
It was more like panic.

819
00:36:50,315 --> 00:36:52,525
More panic than I would have liked.

820
00:36:54,027 --> 00:36:56,905
[Fiona in Mandarin Chinese] I felt like I couldn't face the situation,

821
00:36:56,988 --> 00:37:00,116
accepting that my child is depressed.

822
00:37:02,035 --> 00:37:05,205
I was worried that once I admitted that she was sick,

823
00:37:05,288 --> 00:37:07,624
she would just keep being sick forever.

824
00:37:07,707 --> 00:37:12,420
That's why I delayed taking her to the doctor.

825
00:37:12,503 --> 00:37:16,257
I was worried that it would become a long-term problem.

826
00:37:16,883 --> 00:37:19,636
Her sister said she needed to see a doctor.

827
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:21,846
That's how we finally faced the problem.

828
00:37:22,722 --> 00:37:24,557
[Crystal in English] Mom and I have definitely had

829
00:37:24,641 --> 00:37:27,101
the same conversations over and over.

830
00:37:27,185 --> 00:37:30,355
So it's hard to make progress,

831
00:37:30,438 --> 00:37:33,274
in terms of our relationship, when we're still stuck

832
00:37:33,358 --> 00:37:36,861
on the fact that it's okay for Mom to express

833
00:37:36,945 --> 00:37:41,241
her concern through crying and stuff like that.

834
00:37:41,324 --> 00:37:44,536
I mean, have you told her that, "When you do that,

835
00:37:44,619 --> 00:37:46,955
then it makes me feel like, now I have to take care of you,

836
00:37:47,038 --> 00:37:48,790
but when I'm trying to open up

837
00:37:48,873 --> 00:37:50,625
so you can understand and take care of me"?

838
00:37:50,708 --> 00:37:52,043
Have you expressed that to her?

839
00:37:52,126 --> 00:37:54,295
I think--yes, I have a couple times.

840
00:37:54,379 --> 00:37:55,463
What'd she say?

841
00:37:55,547 --> 00:37:56,756
[whispering] "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry."

842
00:37:56,839 --> 00:37:58,466
And then just, ah! I don't know.

843
00:37:58,550 --> 00:38:00,885
-Oh. -It's just, like, not--it--

844
00:38:02,136 --> 00:38:03,346
Mom and I talk about this.

845
00:38:03,429 --> 00:38:05,598
Like, she's supposed to be the mom, right?

846
00:38:05,682 --> 00:38:07,350
She's supposed to be there for us.

847
00:38:07,433 --> 00:38:09,602
So for her to show weakness, and it's like,

848
00:38:09,686 --> 00:38:12,856
she thinks, like, "Oh, no, like, the foundation is rocky,"

849
00:38:12,939 --> 00:38:15,817
and, like, "How can my kids, like, lean on me

850
00:38:15,900 --> 00:38:20,655
if I can't be there for them and be strong," you know?

851
00:38:20,738 --> 00:38:22,949
And for some reason, in Asian culture,

852
00:38:23,032 --> 00:38:26,035
strong means you don't show your emotions.

853
00:38:27,954 --> 00:38:30,707
[Crystal] I felt like I was trying to lead

854
00:38:30,790 --> 00:38:34,961
my mom through something when I needed help.

855
00:38:35,044 --> 00:38:39,382
[in Mandarin Chinese] I still have to learn how to deal with it.

856
00:38:40,466 --> 00:38:43,386
Especially when I don't know how to communicate with you.

857
00:38:43,469 --> 00:38:45,138
Or when you don't want to talk about it.

858
00:38:45,221 --> 00:38:49,267
Or when you say you're fine, but I feel you're not fine.

859
00:38:49,350 --> 00:38:52,270
Usually we just hug each other and cry. Then just--

860
00:38:52,353 --> 00:38:52,812
Okay.

861
00:38:52,896 --> 00:38:55,565
But the problem is still there.

862
00:38:55,648 --> 00:38:57,442
[in English] But, like, I think...

863
00:38:57,525 --> 00:39:01,112
[in Mandarin Chinese] Every time you talk to her, you want to solve the problem,

864
00:39:01,196 --> 00:39:03,656
You want to make sure she's happy.

865
00:39:03,740 --> 00:39:04,991
[in English] But that's not the case.

866
00:39:05,074 --> 00:39:06,784
Mèimei, when she reached out to us,

867
00:39:06,868 --> 00:39:09,537
she just wants just to vent...

868
00:39:09,621 --> 00:39:13,625
[in Mandarin Chinese] to let out her emotions, to share her emotions.

869
00:39:14,250 --> 00:39:16,002
[in English] You know, and then we just need to just be there,

870
00:39:16,085 --> 00:39:18,379
like, "Oh, hey, yeah, okay. We're here for you.

871
00:39:18,463 --> 00:39:19,631
What do you need?"

872
00:39:19,714 --> 00:39:21,299
There's nothing you can do.

873
00:39:21,382 --> 00:39:22,342
Yeah?

874
00:39:22,425 --> 00:39:24,344
Except for that.

875
00:39:24,427 --> 00:39:26,846
-Oh. -That's your only job.

876
00:39:26,930 --> 00:39:28,223
-Okay. -Just be there.

877
00:39:28,306 --> 00:39:30,099
-You're not my therapist. -I know, but--

878
00:39:30,183 --> 00:39:31,684
I'm not trying to figure something out with you,

879
00:39:31,768 --> 00:39:33,228
you know what I mean?

880
00:39:33,311 --> 00:39:37,649
[in Mandarin Chinese] You're reminding me that I had similar struggles.

881
00:39:37,732 --> 00:39:39,359
Do you think we're similar?

882
00:39:43,321 --> 00:39:44,531
[in English] I don't know.

883
00:39:44,614 --> 00:39:47,033
[in Mandarin Chinese] You never told me your story.

884
00:39:47,116 --> 00:39:48,159
[in English] But maybe.

885
00:39:48,243 --> 00:39:50,203
I mean, we're kinda similar sometimes.

886
00:39:50,286 --> 00:39:53,665
[in Mandarin Chinese] People around me used to say I thought too much.

887
00:39:53,748 --> 00:39:55,667
"You think too much."

888
00:39:55,750 --> 00:39:57,544
"You own everything. Why do you think..."

889
00:39:57,627 --> 00:40:02,340
But still you feel empty inside.

890
00:40:04,342 --> 00:40:11,849
There was a lot of stress in my life, especially as an immigrant.

891
00:40:11,933 --> 00:40:13,601
I would just cry and cry in my car.

892
00:40:13,685 --> 00:40:18,898
It wasn't that I felt sad about anything. I just felt helpless.

893
00:40:18,982 --> 00:40:21,609
But I never told my children.

894
00:40:21,693 --> 00:40:30,243
I feel like it's so unfair to her.

895
00:40:30,326 --> 00:40:35,456
I'm the one who brought them here.

896
00:40:35,540 --> 00:40:37,834
I should have had everything set up for them.

897
00:40:37,917 --> 00:40:39,544
I should have given her a good life.

898
00:40:41,546 --> 00:40:43,298
[in English] Sorry, I don't know how to say that.

899
00:40:43,381 --> 00:40:46,509
[in Mandarin Chinese] Let me... wait a minute.

900
00:40:50,638 --> 00:40:55,435
I just feel like I'm not a mother who's able to help.

901
00:40:55,518 --> 00:40:57,437
I try to help but I can't.

902
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:00,565
I really can't help her.

903
00:41:02,025 --> 00:41:05,403
I feel very guilty.

904
00:41:05,486 --> 00:41:13,578
I don't want you to think... that I don't care about you.

905
00:41:13,661 --> 00:41:22,754
But I didn't pay enough attention to what you were going through.

906
00:41:23,338 --> 00:41:27,342
Maybe we don't make progress after every conversation.

907
00:41:27,425 --> 00:41:28,927
[in English] You know what I mean?

908
00:41:29,010 --> 00:41:32,138
At least, like, we're always, like, trying.

909
00:41:32,222 --> 00:41:34,641
And I think because we try...

910
00:41:34,724 --> 00:41:37,352
[in Mandarin Chinese] we learn new things.

911
00:41:37,435 --> 00:41:38,895
[in English] You know what I mean?

912
00:41:38,978 --> 00:41:43,733
[Fiona in Mandarin Chinese] I realize that she is much stronger than me.

913
00:41:43,816 --> 00:41:49,280
Crystal also encouraged me to go to therapy.

914
00:41:49,364 --> 00:41:51,866
[hopeful music]

915
00:41:51,950 --> 00:41:53,201
[Crystal in English] Since I'm home,

916
00:41:53,284 --> 00:41:54,994
we've had a lot of conversations.

917
00:41:55,078 --> 00:41:58,289
It's definitely brought us closer

918
00:41:58,373 --> 00:42:01,209
trying to figure this out together.

919
00:42:01,292 --> 00:42:02,669
I have friends.

920
00:42:02,752 --> 00:42:04,337
I have my therapist.

921
00:42:04,420 --> 00:42:06,631
I have my dog. [laughs]

922
00:42:06,714 --> 00:42:10,134
Talking about depression makes it more manageable.

923
00:42:10,218 --> 00:42:11,427
[laughter]

924
00:42:11,511 --> 00:42:13,513
I'm taking this semester off.

925
00:42:13,596 --> 00:42:16,015
And there's more that I'm working on

926
00:42:16,099 --> 00:42:18,393
in therapy now.

927
00:42:18,476 --> 00:42:21,688
There's no right way of processing something.

928
00:42:23,022 --> 00:42:25,233
It's just gonna be part of your story.

929
00:42:26,442 --> 00:42:29,153
-That's it. -[grunting]

930
00:42:29,237 --> 00:42:31,197
-[Kay] Give it a jab. Jab. -[grunting]

931
00:42:31,281 --> 00:42:34,158
[Kay] There you go. Come on, come on.

932
00:42:34,242 --> 00:42:36,286
Good. Work, work.

933
00:42:36,369 --> 00:42:37,996
[Ginny] I've been working for ten years almost

934
00:42:38,079 --> 00:42:39,455
to make it to the Olympics.

935
00:42:39,539 --> 00:42:40,957
-[shouting] -Work.

936
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:43,376
[Ginny] Everybody's looking at me to get gold.

937
00:42:43,459 --> 00:42:44,669
-[Kay] That's it. -[whistle blows]

938
00:42:44,752 --> 00:42:46,921
-[shouts] -[Kay] Time. Good job.

939
00:42:47,005 --> 00:42:49,465
[Ginny] But I'm struggling with my OCD.

940
00:42:49,549 --> 00:42:51,175
At the beginning, I didn't want help

941
00:42:51,259 --> 00:42:52,802
'cause I didn't think I needed help.

942
00:42:52,886 --> 00:42:55,555
[tense music]

943
00:42:55,638 --> 00:43:00,143
Then I had a very bad kind of mental breakdown

944
00:43:00,226 --> 00:43:03,479
and realized that I needed more professional help.

945
00:43:03,563 --> 00:43:07,567
♪ ♪

946
00:43:07,650 --> 00:43:09,319
I was just in this vicious cycle,

947
00:43:09,402 --> 00:43:11,988
it seemed like: clean my face, wash my hands,

948
00:43:12,071 --> 00:43:14,073
take the trash out, bam, bam, bam, nonstop.

949
00:43:14,157 --> 00:43:15,950
The feeling of getting clean is not changing.

950
00:43:16,034 --> 00:43:17,785
I couldn't stop, and so I'd get so frustrated

951
00:43:17,869 --> 00:43:19,829
and, like, hit the sink or the wall next to me.

952
00:43:19,913 --> 00:43:21,915
[grunting] Like, pacing back and forth.

953
00:43:21,998 --> 00:43:23,583
My muscles tighten

954
00:43:23,666 --> 00:43:26,336
and I'm, like, breathing so hard.

955
00:43:26,419 --> 00:43:28,796
I went three days, maybe two hours of sleep.

956
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,007
You get delusional. You can't think straight.

957
00:43:31,090 --> 00:43:33,843
I kinda had thoughts like, "Man, it would just be easier

958
00:43:33,927 --> 00:43:35,470
just to not live like this."

959
00:43:35,553 --> 00:43:37,680
And how not to live like this? Then don't exist.

960
00:43:37,764 --> 00:43:40,767
[heart pounding]

961
00:43:44,604 --> 00:43:45,897
Later that night,

962
00:43:45,980 --> 00:43:47,565
I just kinda, like, fell to the floor,

963
00:43:47,649 --> 00:43:50,485
picked up my phone, called my coach.

964
00:43:52,779 --> 00:43:54,489
[Kay] I open the door, see a bunch

965
00:43:54,572 --> 00:43:55,782
of cleaning supplies everywhere

966
00:43:55,865 --> 00:43:57,200
and stuff like that.

967
00:43:57,283 --> 00:43:58,868
She's sitting in her room and she's shaking

968
00:43:58,952 --> 00:44:00,203
and she's on the floor and I'm like,

969
00:44:00,286 --> 00:44:01,913
"Oh, what's going on?" You know what I mean?

970
00:44:01,996 --> 00:44:03,748
And I'm like, "Come on, Gin, stop playing," you know.

971
00:44:03,831 --> 00:44:05,500
She's like, "No, no, this is serious.

972
00:44:05,583 --> 00:44:07,126
No, it's--I can't do this no more.

973
00:44:07,210 --> 00:44:08,836
I don't wanna do it anymore." You know what I mean?

974
00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:10,046
"I think this is the end for me."

975
00:44:10,129 --> 00:44:11,631
I'm like...

976
00:44:11,714 --> 00:44:13,591
"Ginny, you sound like you're talking

977
00:44:13,675 --> 00:44:16,010
about killing yourself."

978
00:44:16,844 --> 00:44:18,096
I had to hold her.

979
00:44:18,179 --> 00:44:19,138
I'm like, "Ginny, come here, man.

980
00:44:19,222 --> 00:44:20,515
Like, come here.

981
00:44:20,598 --> 00:44:21,849
Like, you know, we're not gonna do this, man.

982
00:44:21,933 --> 00:44:24,227
Like, I can't see you kill yourself."

983
00:44:24,310 --> 00:44:26,062
And I told her, I said, "We're not gonna die,

984
00:44:26,145 --> 00:44:27,146
because if you try to hurt yourself,

985
00:44:27,230 --> 00:44:28,648
I'm gonna get in the way."

986
00:44:31,067 --> 00:44:32,819
How did you know how to deal with that?

987
00:44:32,902 --> 00:44:35,071
Were you just--did you just go from your instinct,

988
00:44:35,154 --> 00:44:36,281
or were you...

989
00:44:36,364 --> 00:44:38,283
She's trying to make me cry, Ross.

990
00:44:38,366 --> 00:44:40,952
She's trying to make me cry, but she's not gonna do it.

991
00:44:41,035 --> 00:44:43,079
Well, no, that night was really touching for me

992
00:44:43,162 --> 00:44:44,372
because it was just like--

993
00:44:44,455 --> 00:44:46,082
I'm sorry to say it made me think death.

994
00:44:46,165 --> 00:44:48,293
You know, I've had a lot of people kill theirselves

995
00:44:48,376 --> 00:44:49,794
or do stuff like that, yeah.

996
00:44:49,878 --> 00:44:51,045
Because of what I said. I remember 'cause I was like,

997
00:44:51,129 --> 00:44:52,255
"I don't wanna live like this anymore."

998
00:44:52,338 --> 00:44:53,423
Yeah, and it was like, you know, when I hear

999
00:44:53,506 --> 00:44:54,549
those words, I'm just like, man.

1000
00:44:54,632 --> 00:44:55,633
I've had friends die like that.

1001
00:44:55,717 --> 00:44:56,885
I've had friends kill theirselves.

1002
00:44:56,968 --> 00:44:58,386
I've had people that I've known,

1003
00:44:58,469 --> 00:45:00,054
their friends kill theirself, and I was just like, "Oh, no.

1004
00:45:00,138 --> 00:45:01,556
This is something serious right now."

1005
00:45:01,639 --> 00:45:03,099
And it was like, "I can't call nobody.

1006
00:45:03,182 --> 00:45:04,517
I gotta get there."

1007
00:45:04,601 --> 00:45:06,311
And that was the first thing is just, you know, get there

1008
00:45:06,394 --> 00:45:07,395
and just let you know I'm there.

1009
00:45:07,478 --> 00:45:09,189
Like, you know, if we're gonna hurt,

1010
00:45:09,272 --> 00:45:10,690
we're gonna hurt together.

1011
00:45:10,773 --> 00:45:13,359
That's when I knew, like, "Man, boxing's out the window.

1012
00:45:13,443 --> 00:45:15,069
Your life has to come first.

1013
00:45:15,153 --> 00:45:16,571
I don't care about world championships.

1014
00:45:16,654 --> 00:45:18,406
I don't care about nothing. No gold medals.

1015
00:45:18,489 --> 00:45:19,741
Let's get you home as soon as possible.

1016
00:45:19,824 --> 00:45:21,451
Let's get you into, you know, therapy."

1017
00:45:21,534 --> 00:45:23,620
You know, and I love you for coming to me

1018
00:45:23,703 --> 00:45:25,121
and, you know, reaching out to me and saying,

1019
00:45:25,205 --> 00:45:27,498
"Hey, Coach Kay, I really need you right now."

1020
00:45:27,582 --> 00:45:30,418
-Man! -Yeah. Yeah.

1021
00:45:30,501 --> 00:45:32,128
-[laughs] -[whistle blows]

1022
00:45:32,212 --> 00:45:34,088
[Kay laughs]

1023
00:45:34,172 --> 00:45:36,424
[soft music]

1024
00:45:36,507 --> 00:45:37,884
[Ken] Some mental health conditions

1025
00:45:37,967 --> 00:45:39,469
are temporary.

1026
00:45:39,552 --> 00:45:41,471
Some ebb and flow.

1027
00:45:41,554 --> 00:45:44,015
For others, symptoms can be managed

1028
00:45:44,098 --> 00:45:46,184
but aren't cured.

1029
00:45:46,267 --> 00:45:48,019
One of the big questions with mental health conditions

1030
00:45:48,102 --> 00:45:51,856
is, "How well can you live with it?"

1031
00:45:51,940 --> 00:45:54,734
Some people thrive with it.

1032
00:45:54,817 --> 00:45:56,611
Some people thrive because of it.

1033
00:45:56,694 --> 00:46:00,698
It's a very individualistic phenomena.

1034
00:46:02,742 --> 00:46:04,661
Every person is different.

1035
00:46:04,744 --> 00:46:07,830
A lot of people are suffering, and the best outcomes happen

1036
00:46:07,914 --> 00:46:10,667
when you combine the best of medical science

1037
00:46:10,750 --> 00:46:12,460
with a recovery framework.

1038
00:46:14,420 --> 00:46:16,756
The actual making a life part,

1039
00:46:16,839 --> 00:46:19,884
the journey towards getting better.

1040
00:46:19,968 --> 00:46:23,263
Hey! How are you?

1041
00:46:23,346 --> 00:46:25,431
Good.

1042
00:46:25,515 --> 00:46:26,849
All right, so...

1043
00:46:26,933 --> 00:46:28,601
Just put it here.

1044
00:46:28,685 --> 00:46:29,852
There you go. Make your magic.

1045
00:46:29,936 --> 00:46:31,521
Why can't you just put it on here, you know?

1046
00:46:31,604 --> 00:46:32,772
Oh, my God, I literally just cleaned this

1047
00:46:32,856 --> 00:46:34,023
before you came here.

1048
00:46:34,107 --> 00:46:35,275
-I literally just cleaned. -[Ginny] Okay.

1049
00:46:35,358 --> 00:46:36,943
-I just cleaned. -[Ginny] I know. I know.

1050
00:46:37,026 --> 00:46:37,986
It just makes me feel better.

1051
00:46:38,069 --> 00:46:39,237
[Mikaela] The only way I'm able

1052
00:46:39,320 --> 00:46:40,572
to have a friendship with Ginny

1053
00:46:40,655 --> 00:46:41,865
is if I can tell her what I think

1054
00:46:41,948 --> 00:46:42,907
when I think it.

1055
00:46:42,991 --> 00:46:44,701
We just have this friendship.

1056
00:46:44,784 --> 00:46:47,662
I could not talk to anyone else I know

1057
00:46:47,745 --> 00:46:49,205
like the way I talk to Ginny.

1058
00:46:49,289 --> 00:46:53,126
But that is what sort of allows our friendship to exist,

1059
00:46:53,209 --> 00:46:54,836
because if I was holding everything in

1060
00:46:54,919 --> 00:46:56,504
and just, like, feeling some type of way

1061
00:46:56,588 --> 00:46:58,214
and, like, felt like I couldn't say it to her,

1062
00:46:58,298 --> 00:46:59,465
I would be like, "I can't do this.

1063
00:46:59,549 --> 00:47:00,633
I can't do this."

1064
00:47:00,717 --> 00:47:02,093
So you're worried about the cart,

1065
00:47:02,176 --> 00:47:03,887
but not all the pesticides that are on this cucumber?

1066
00:47:03,970 --> 00:47:05,930
No, I would wash it regardless,

1067
00:47:06,014 --> 00:47:07,140
but I wouldn't have to worry about soap

1068
00:47:07,223 --> 00:47:08,766
'cause it was in the plastic bag.

1069
00:47:08,850 --> 00:47:10,810
[Mikaela] I'm her best friend. I can put up with this.

1070
00:47:10,894 --> 00:47:15,648
We can fight and scream and we're gonna be okay.

1071
00:47:15,732 --> 00:47:17,317
That's just our relationship.

1072
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:19,694
We're soul mate best friends, and we're gonna figure it out.

1073
00:47:19,777 --> 00:47:21,821
Could you get some ripe avocados?

1074
00:47:21,905 --> 00:47:22,864
-Damn. -No, that was--

1075
00:47:22,947 --> 00:47:24,616
dude, that was the ripest I found.

1076
00:47:27,660 --> 00:47:29,495
-What do you mean? -[Mikaela] What does that mean?

1077
00:47:29,579 --> 00:47:30,413
You're talking about--

1078
00:47:30,496 --> 00:47:31,664
What does that mean?

1079
00:47:31,748 --> 00:47:33,291
[quirky music]

1080
00:47:33,374 --> 00:47:34,584
Fuck!

1081
00:47:34,667 --> 00:47:35,710
Sorry.

1082
00:47:38,004 --> 00:47:41,507
Oh, my God. [laughs]

1083
00:47:41,591 --> 00:47:43,927
So I gotta buy these, but I'm not gonna eat 'em.

1084
00:47:45,803 --> 00:47:46,930
[Mikaela] You throw them away,

1085
00:47:47,013 --> 00:47:48,389
even though you don't eat the peel?

1086
00:47:48,473 --> 00:47:49,724
Don't worry about it.

1087
00:47:49,807 --> 00:47:51,351
You don't eat the peel of the avocado, Ginny!

1088
00:47:51,434 --> 00:47:53,269
I know you don't. Just shh.

1089
00:47:56,189 --> 00:47:57,565
Well, I mean, there's, like, a system.

1090
00:47:57,649 --> 00:47:59,234
You chop this way...

1091
00:47:59,317 --> 00:48:02,779
[Mikaela] After the Olympics, things are gonna change.

1092
00:48:02,862 --> 00:48:04,739
She's not gonna have that stability

1093
00:48:04,822 --> 00:48:07,367
that going for the Olympics has given her.

1094
00:48:07,450 --> 00:48:09,953
I do worry about her.

1095
00:48:10,036 --> 00:48:12,497
No, the only thing that's kind of gotten worse again

1096
00:48:12,580 --> 00:48:15,792
is, you know, how I, like, take the tissues out or gloves out.

1097
00:48:15,875 --> 00:48:17,293
That's kinda gotten really bad.

1098
00:48:17,377 --> 00:48:19,087
[Mikaela] She's going to have to pay for rent,

1099
00:48:19,170 --> 00:48:20,421
pay for her own food,

1100
00:48:20,505 --> 00:48:22,298
pay for her own health insurance.

1101
00:48:22,382 --> 00:48:25,510
She was spending $300 a week

1102
00:48:25,593 --> 00:48:27,470
at the store on supplies.

1103
00:48:27,554 --> 00:48:28,888
That's $1,200 a month.

1104
00:48:28,972 --> 00:48:30,723
All your bills are gonna skyrocket.

1105
00:48:30,807 --> 00:48:31,849
No, I know. I've thought about that.

1106
00:48:31,933 --> 00:48:32,976
Thank you for reminding me.

1107
00:48:33,059 --> 00:48:34,852
And you can't live here with me.

1108
00:48:34,936 --> 00:48:37,313
[laughter]

1109
00:48:37,397 --> 00:48:38,773
-Okay. -[Mikaela] You know you can.

1110
00:48:38,857 --> 00:48:40,149
Yeah.

1111
00:48:40,233 --> 00:48:41,943
[Mikaela] Her breakdown, it was a good moment

1112
00:48:42,026 --> 00:48:44,529
because everybody needs to have that moment

1113
00:48:44,612 --> 00:48:46,281
where they're like, "Okay, I can't do this on my own.

1114
00:48:46,364 --> 00:48:47,907
I do need help."

1115
00:48:47,991 --> 00:48:50,410
I know she's not gonna get rid of this OCD overnight,

1116
00:48:50,493 --> 00:48:52,704
but let's get it back to where it's manageable.

1117
00:48:58,209 --> 00:49:00,211
[Bob] She's been fighting this since she was 12.

1118
00:49:00,295 --> 00:49:02,088
Probably earlier than that.

1119
00:49:02,171 --> 00:49:04,382
When she was eight years old, nine years old,

1120
00:49:04,465 --> 00:49:06,885
and having to take a shower for 30 minutes.

1121
00:49:06,968 --> 00:49:09,137
You know, like, when you're talking to an eight-year-old,

1122
00:49:09,220 --> 00:49:10,972
"Get out of the shower. Go to bed."

1123
00:49:11,055 --> 00:49:12,223
And she couldn't do that.

1124
00:49:12,307 --> 00:49:14,017
I mean, and I was probably a horrible dad,

1125
00:49:14,100 --> 00:49:15,768
in that I'd go turn the water off on her

1126
00:49:15,852 --> 00:49:16,978
to make her get out of the shower.

1127
00:49:17,061 --> 00:49:18,438
That didn't help, obviously.

1128
00:49:18,521 --> 00:49:20,064
Yeah, it didn't really work, but--

1129
00:49:20,148 --> 00:49:21,149
It was causing more issues.

1130
00:49:21,232 --> 00:49:23,484
You know, you don't want your kids

1131
00:49:23,568 --> 00:49:26,196
to have anything but the perfect life, right?

1132
00:49:26,279 --> 00:49:28,615
So it's not perfect.

1133
00:49:28,698 --> 00:49:30,491
Not even close.

1134
00:49:31,534 --> 00:49:33,995
So this is Ginny's bathroom.

1135
00:49:34,078 --> 00:49:36,247
The shower curtain she takes down

1136
00:49:36,331 --> 00:49:37,624
at least once a week,

1137
00:49:37,707 --> 00:49:39,083
takes all the hooks off,

1138
00:49:39,167 --> 00:49:42,212
and wants me to wash 'em through the dishwasher.

1139
00:49:43,713 --> 00:49:45,882
And here's one of her trash cans

1140
00:49:45,965 --> 00:49:47,759
full of supplies from Walmart.

1141
00:49:47,842 --> 00:49:49,135
Here's another big one.

1142
00:49:49,219 --> 00:49:50,929
Two more bins full of stuff.

1143
00:49:51,012 --> 00:49:53,890
I think the better she's got at boxing

1144
00:49:53,973 --> 00:49:55,558
and the more stress it puts on her,

1145
00:49:55,642 --> 00:49:59,145
you know, to stay number one and everything

1146
00:49:59,229 --> 00:50:00,897
definitely makes it worse.

1147
00:50:00,980 --> 00:50:04,526
[water running]

1148
00:50:04,609 --> 00:50:06,319
[Ginny] Brushing my teeth can take 30 minutes,

1149
00:50:06,402 --> 00:50:07,862
sometimes longer just depending

1150
00:50:07,946 --> 00:50:10,448
on how I feel that day or just my anxiety level.

1151
00:50:10,532 --> 00:50:13,576
[tense music]

1152
00:50:13,660 --> 00:50:15,286
When I pull things out of a package,

1153
00:50:15,370 --> 00:50:17,080
if it doesn't feel right when I'm pulling out,

1154
00:50:17,163 --> 00:50:18,456
it means it's contaminated.

1155
00:50:18,540 --> 00:50:25,046
♪ ♪

1156
00:50:30,385 --> 00:50:32,345
[Dr. Smith] Similar to other mental health conditions,

1157
00:50:32,428 --> 00:50:35,557
a combination of factors contribute to the development

1158
00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:37,600
of obsessive-compulsive disorder,

1159
00:50:37,684 --> 00:50:40,019
including biological, environmental,

1160
00:50:40,103 --> 00:50:42,230
and psychological factors.

1161
00:50:42,313 --> 00:50:43,857
For some people with OCD,

1162
00:50:43,940 --> 00:50:46,568
they're going after this "just right" feeling.

1163
00:50:46,651 --> 00:50:48,862
Ginny would do a ritual

1164
00:50:48,945 --> 00:50:52,156
in order to get a feeling that she likes.

1165
00:50:52,240 --> 00:50:54,409
Sometimes she gets the feeling that she wants,

1166
00:50:54,492 --> 00:50:56,536
and so then, it's reinforced,

1167
00:50:56,619 --> 00:50:58,621
and that's what keeps the cycle going.

1168
00:51:00,373 --> 00:51:02,083
Fuck.

1169
00:51:02,166 --> 00:51:05,044
So both of these two brushes feel contaminated to me,

1170
00:51:05,128 --> 00:51:06,713
and this is all I have left,

1171
00:51:06,796 --> 00:51:08,464
so what I would do now,

1172
00:51:08,548 --> 00:51:10,508
'cause I have no obligations for the rest of the day,

1173
00:51:10,592 --> 00:51:13,720
is just go to the store and buy more toothbrushes.

1174
00:51:13,803 --> 00:51:17,181
[Dr. Smith] We're trying to break that cycle.

1175
00:51:17,265 --> 00:51:19,100
Should we go out and get your hands dirty?

1176
00:51:19,183 --> 00:51:20,977
[Ginny] Okay.

1177
00:51:21,060 --> 00:51:23,187
Oh, I'm gonna look so good.

1178
00:51:23,271 --> 00:51:26,149
So what will we do to get your hands dirty?

1179
00:51:26,232 --> 00:51:27,734
You can always start with the trash.

1180
00:51:27,817 --> 00:51:30,278
[Dr. Smith] The most effective behavioral treatment

1181
00:51:30,361 --> 00:51:32,780
is called exposure with response prevention,

1182
00:51:32,864 --> 00:51:36,618
where you are approaching, rather than avoiding,

1183
00:51:36,701 --> 00:51:40,205
the things that bring up the uncomfortable feelings.

1184
00:51:40,288 --> 00:51:43,124
-Okay. -What is your goal here?

1185
00:51:44,584 --> 00:51:47,545
To get 'em as dirty as possible.

1186
00:51:47,629 --> 00:51:49,797
Why are we doing this?

1187
00:51:49,881 --> 00:51:53,009
So I can be comfortable with feeling dirty,

1188
00:51:53,092 --> 00:51:55,053
and not...

1189
00:51:55,136 --> 00:51:56,804
[sighs]

1190
00:51:56,888 --> 00:52:00,683
...have the urge to go, like, wash it off immediately.

1191
00:52:07,732 --> 00:52:09,734
-Does it feel dirty? -Yeah.

1192
00:52:11,653 --> 00:52:13,655
-What do we do with these? -Okay.

1193
00:52:15,907 --> 00:52:16,866
-Okay? -Yeah.

1194
00:52:16,950 --> 00:52:18,201
'Cause we wanna make it

1195
00:52:18,284 --> 00:52:21,037
where it's not so easy just to wash it away.

1196
00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:23,540
-Yeah. -You wanna put it on my face?

1197
00:52:23,623 --> 00:52:26,292
I know you don't want me to put it on my face.

1198
00:52:26,376 --> 00:52:28,545
[Ginny] Exposure therapy's so freaking hard.

1199
00:52:28,628 --> 00:52:30,588
That, to me, is ten times harder

1200
00:52:30,672 --> 00:52:34,551
than going eight rounds with my sparring partner.

1201
00:52:34,634 --> 00:52:36,469
[laughs]

1202
00:52:36,553 --> 00:52:39,472
Okay, I--I'll do this.

1203
00:52:39,556 --> 00:52:41,140
-Okay. -A little bit.

1204
00:52:41,224 --> 00:52:42,475
-Yeah. -[laughs]

1205
00:52:42,559 --> 00:52:44,769
I'll be committed to that.

1206
00:52:44,852 --> 00:52:46,855
[Dr. Smith] A really important component

1207
00:52:46,938 --> 00:52:50,066
of exposure therapy is collaboration.

1208
00:52:50,149 --> 00:52:53,152
The goals for the treatment are set by the patient.

1209
00:52:53,236 --> 00:52:55,864
The clinician is following their lead.

1210
00:52:55,947 --> 00:52:58,867
So it's not so easily gotten rid of.

1211
00:52:58,950 --> 00:53:00,326
Yeah.

1212
00:53:00,410 --> 00:53:01,369
[Dr. Smith] My patients are doing

1213
00:53:01,452 --> 00:53:02,829
really difficult things

1214
00:53:02,912 --> 00:53:05,582
that cause significant emotional distress.

1215
00:53:05,665 --> 00:53:07,542
What else could you touch?

1216
00:53:07,625 --> 00:53:09,627
I guess touch that trash.

1217
00:53:09,711 --> 00:53:11,296
-Just pick it up. -Okay.

1218
00:53:11,379 --> 00:53:13,631
-This thing. -Okay.

1219
00:53:13,715 --> 00:53:15,008
Mmm, they had doughnuts.

1220
00:53:15,091 --> 00:53:17,427
[laughing] Yeah!

1221
00:53:17,510 --> 00:53:19,178
I'm wanting them to learn

1222
00:53:19,262 --> 00:53:22,765
that this emotional distress will not harm them.

1223
00:53:23,850 --> 00:53:25,560
Good, Ginny. Breathe.

1224
00:53:25,643 --> 00:53:28,062
[breathes deeply]

1225
00:53:28,146 --> 00:53:31,191
It's okay to feel

1226
00:53:31,274 --> 00:53:33,693
not okay in this way.

1227
00:53:40,325 --> 00:53:41,701
[Peg] She's got a good support group around her.

1228
00:53:41,784 --> 00:53:43,244
[Bob] Yeah.

1229
00:53:43,328 --> 00:53:44,579
She couldn't function without that support group.

1230
00:53:44,662 --> 00:53:46,080
[Peg] Mm-hmm.

1231
00:53:46,164 --> 00:53:48,124
You have good friends 'cause you're a good friend.

1232
00:53:48,208 --> 00:53:49,959
I've never seen such a loyal friend.

1233
00:53:50,043 --> 00:53:52,003
I mean, you are so loyal to your friends.

1234
00:53:52,086 --> 00:53:53,046
[Ginny] Thanks, Mom.

1235
00:53:53,129 --> 00:53:57,300
But again, because you were honest.

1236
00:53:57,383 --> 00:53:58,843
-[Ginny] Well, yeah. -That's what I told Ross.

1237
00:53:58,927 --> 00:54:01,471
"Well, she just came out and said, 'Okay, here it is.

1238
00:54:01,554 --> 00:54:04,474
You may think it's weird. I have OCD.

1239
00:54:04,557 --> 00:54:08,019
This is who I am,' and they were like, 'Okay.'"

1240
00:54:08,102 --> 00:54:10,104
Mikaela didn't know how to deal with it for the longest.

1241
00:54:10,188 --> 00:54:11,314
-She would, you know-- -[Bob] Who?

1242
00:54:11,397 --> 00:54:12,607
She would make my anxiety worse.

1243
00:54:12,690 --> 00:54:14,067
-Mikaela. -[Bob] Oh.

1244
00:54:14,150 --> 00:54:15,527
She'd be like, "Just stop. You need to stop. Stop."

1245
00:54:15,610 --> 00:54:16,945
I was like, "Mikaela, you're not helping.

1246
00:54:17,028 --> 00:54:18,112
You're not helping." She's like, "What?"

1247
00:54:18,196 --> 00:54:19,531
She didn't know how to help.

1248
00:54:19,614 --> 00:54:21,366
I mean, she's still learning.

1249
00:54:21,449 --> 00:54:22,575
She's definitely still learning.

1250
00:54:22,659 --> 00:54:23,910
[Peg] Which I didn't either.

1251
00:54:23,993 --> 00:54:26,329
Like, you've helped me because I would say, "Ginny"--

1252
00:54:26,412 --> 00:54:28,164
if she was doing something, I'd say, "Ginny, stop."

1253
00:54:28,248 --> 00:54:29,791
She goes, "Mom, that makes it worse.

1254
00:54:29,874 --> 00:54:31,125
I have to start all over again."

1255
00:54:31,209 --> 00:54:33,920
So I've learned just to leave her alone.

1256
00:54:34,003 --> 00:54:35,797
I have to leave her alone.

1257
00:54:35,880 --> 00:54:37,882
-[Bob] That's tough. -Even if it drives me nuts

1258
00:54:37,966 --> 00:54:40,718
'cause she's using so much soap and water.

1259
00:54:40,802 --> 00:54:43,471
I have to step back

1260
00:54:43,555 --> 00:54:46,558
because if I say something, it's just gonna escalate it,

1261
00:54:46,641 --> 00:54:49,644
and if it escalates her, it's gonna escalate me, so...

1262
00:54:49,727 --> 00:54:51,521
Yeah, basically, we just--yeah,

1263
00:54:51,604 --> 00:54:53,273
not only teach the person struggling with it,

1264
00:54:53,356 --> 00:54:55,817
but the people around them the skills to help.

1265
00:54:55,900 --> 00:54:57,819
But I love you guys, you know.

1266
00:54:57,902 --> 00:55:00,238
I feel so guilty about everything.

1267
00:55:00,321 --> 00:55:02,031
See, I don't want her to feel guilt.

1268
00:55:02,115 --> 00:55:03,491
That's what pains me.

1269
00:55:03,575 --> 00:55:05,201
I mean, I know you don't want to, but I do.

1270
00:55:05,285 --> 00:55:06,369
I just do.

1271
00:55:06,452 --> 00:55:07,579
Guilt for what?

1272
00:55:07,662 --> 00:55:09,414
For putting y'all through it.

1273
00:55:09,497 --> 00:55:11,374
Giving you all anxiety for my anxiety.

1274
00:55:11,457 --> 00:55:12,667
All of it.

1275
00:55:12,750 --> 00:55:17,589
We're the luckiest people on the Earth.

1276
00:55:17,672 --> 00:55:20,884
-[laughs] -[Bob] Bar none.

1277
00:55:20,967 --> 00:55:22,385
[Peg] Was she an easy child? No.

1278
00:55:22,468 --> 00:55:23,845
Was she a difficult child? Yes.

1279
00:55:23,928 --> 00:55:25,179
Luckiest person on the Earth.

1280
00:55:25,263 --> 00:55:26,973
[Ginny] Aww, thanks, Pops.

1281
00:55:27,056 --> 00:55:30,768
Her life, because of OCD,

1282
00:55:30,852 --> 00:55:34,272
is ten times

1283
00:55:34,355 --> 00:55:36,065
more difficult.

1284
00:55:36,149 --> 00:55:38,526
[Ginny grunting]

1285
00:55:38,610 --> 00:55:42,405
[Bob] But she has a goal,

1286
00:55:42,488 --> 00:55:46,618
and will win

1287
00:55:46,701 --> 00:55:47,994
a gold medal.

1288
00:55:48,077 --> 00:55:49,787
[Kay] Good. Good left hand.

1289
00:55:51,623 --> 00:55:54,292
[Ginny] Never be ashamed of yourself

1290
00:55:54,375 --> 00:55:56,169
because of your struggles.

1291
00:55:56,252 --> 00:55:58,504
'Cause we all are struggling with something.

1292
00:55:58,588 --> 00:56:00,381
Nobody's perfect. Except me.

1293
00:56:00,465 --> 00:56:04,469
I'm just joking. [laughing]