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We are very much in the early stages

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of trying to understand this thing that we call

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mental health.

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No matter what your race, culture, or class,

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mental health problems are universal health problems.

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I'm struggling with my OCD.

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I can get up and get dressed

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with the best of 'em,

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but inside, I feel completely broken.

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Everybody thinks you get sick

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and then you get cured.

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It's just not like that.

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I don't think any person

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is one family member away

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from somebody who isn't suffering from depression,

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anxiety, trauma.

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Now, the good news is

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it's never too late to heal.

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This is where broken people can come

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and be broken.

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We have a huge opportunity.

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All you need is to be in the right place.

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Everybody has a burden that they carry.

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Everybody has a story.

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A lot of people all over the world

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are in some kind of mental, psychological, emotional pain

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that they may not have acknowledged,

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particularly because this year has certainly shown us

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with a big mirror in front of our humanity.

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-Mm-hmm. -Who we are.

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And so whatever was an issue for you

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before COVID-19

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became, uh, magnified.

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So I think for a lot of people,

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isolation and loneliness has become a major issue.

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I think it certainly has put a mirror

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in front of grief,

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because grief isn't just losing someone.

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Grief is...

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the loss of anything that matters.

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And so kids were grieving

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not being able to have their high school graduation

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that you've been thinking about.

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-Being with their friends. -Being with their friends

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and not being able to have life as you know it.

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And so this year has shaped who we are

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as a culture in ways that I think

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a lot of people still have not dealt with.

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Well, some people at the beginning of it

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were saying it's been a leveler.

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I couldn't disagree more.

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-It's not a leveler. -Because the people

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that were already suffering are now suffering even more.

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That's right.

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I guess the one that we can agree on globally

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is that everyone has experienced

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a different version of the same thing.

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Correct, and so this idea

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of what COVID-19 has done to people...

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Mm-hmm.

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...is gonna show up in ways

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never even imagined

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if you were already just trying to hold on and cope

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before it even happened, you know?

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This year has surely proven that 99.9%,

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if not 100% of us,

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have now officially all experienced...

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-Some form of trauma. -...some form of trauma.

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-Yeah. -Or some form of grief

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-or some form of loss. -Yeah.

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I heard someone say,

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"Pain that is not transformed gets transmitted."

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And it's basically projection, right?

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People who are... people who are hurt,

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understandably hurt, from...

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from their upbringing, their environment,

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what's happened to them, what they've been exposed to,

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what they've seen-- whatever it is,

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that if you don't transform it, if you don't process it,

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then it ends up coming out in all sorts of different ways

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that you can't control, and you never know when.

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It's unresolved, and it is, it's eating us away inside,

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but you don't really realize it.

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And look, this is-- I'm one of the first people

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to recognize that, firstly, I had a fear

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of when I first went to therapy,

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a fear of losing--

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When did you start therapy?

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Um... four years ago now.

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-Four years is kinda recent. -Yeah, but four years

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of therapy for an individual that never thought

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that they would ever need or do therapy,

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is--that's a long-- that's a long time.

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I wasn't in an environment

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where I was encouraged to talk about it either.

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That was sort of, like, squashed.

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Okay, so what made you think you needed it?

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Um... the past.

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To heal myself from the past.

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For many, many years,

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I didn't even think about it.

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I wasn't, like, holding on to it.

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I was unaware of it.

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I always wanted to be normal.

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As opposed to Prince Harry,

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just being Harry.

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It was a puzzling life...

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...but unfortunately, when I think about my mum,

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the first thing that comes to mind

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is always the same one over and over again.

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Strapped in the car,

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seatbelt across,

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with my brother in the car as well,

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and my mother driving, being chased

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by three, four, five mopeds with paparazzi on.

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And then she was almost unable to drive

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because of the tears.

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There was no protection.

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One of the feelings that comes up with me always

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is the helplessness.

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Being too young.

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Being a guy, but too young

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to be able to help a woman.

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In this case, your mother.

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And that happened every single day.

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-That's enough. -Okay.

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Thank you.

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Can we have a nice picture, please?

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Every single day until the day she died.

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We are continuing to follow developments

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out of Paris where Princess Diana

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has been seriously injured in a car accident.

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Her companion Dodi Al Fayed apparently killed,

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-and also there has been... -Photographers

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tracking the princess, apparently,

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according to some reports, were on a motorcycle,

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and that somehow may have contributed to the crash.

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We are hearing...

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When my mum was taken away from me

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at the age of 12, just before my 13th birthday,

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I didn't want the life.

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Sharing the grief of my mother's death

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with the world.

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For me, the thing I remember the most

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was the sound of the horses' hooves

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-going along the pavement. -Mm-hmm.

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Along the mall, the red brick road.

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By this point, I was-- both of us were in shock.

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It was like I was outside of my body

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and just walking along, doing what was expected of me.

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Showing...

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1/10 of the emotion that everybody else was showing.

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Charles... Charles.

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I thought, "This is my mum. You never even met her."

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And as you were speaking--

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I'm gonna try not to make my eyes water here--

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but as you were speaking, I was thinking,

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"Those of us who admired and loved your mother from afar

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probably did more processing of her passing that you did."

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Without question.

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I was so angry with what happened to her

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and the fact that there was no--there was no justice.

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At all.

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Nothing came from that.

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The same people that chased her into the tunnel

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photographed her dying on the backseat of that car.

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In my moment of anger, I would just like to--

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to raid all the grocery stores,

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raid all those horrible magazines

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and just make a big bonfire.

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I didn't want to think about her,

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because if I think about her,

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then it's gonna bring up the fact

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that I can't bring her back,

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and it's just gonna make me sad.

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What's the point in thinking about something sad?

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What's the point in thinking about

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someone you've lost and you're never gonna get back again?

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And I just decided not to talk about it.

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Yeah. Was anybody talking about it around you?

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No one was talking about it.

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We've got it very carefully planned, though, see?

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After that period

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of whatever how many years it was

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of just, like, head in the sand, fingers in the ears,

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just crack on.

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Like, if people said-- I've said this before--

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If people said, "How are you?" I'd be like, "Fine."

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Never happy, never sad. Just fine.

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Fine was the easy answer.

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But I was just all over the place mentally.

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Every time I put a suit and tie on,

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and having to, you know, do the role

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and, you know, sort of like, "All right,

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let's--game face, look in the mirror.

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Right, let's go." Before I'd even left the house,

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I was pouring with sweat, and my heart rate was...

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I was in the fight or flight mode.

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Panic attacks, severe anxiety.

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And so 28 to probably 32

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was a nightmare time in my life.

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I'm freaking out every single time I jump in the car

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and every single time I see a camera.

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-Well, first, I-- -What did it feel like?

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I would just start sweating.

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I would feel as though my body temperature

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was 2 or 3 degrees warmer than everybody else in the room.

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I would convince myself that my face was bright red,

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and therefore, everybody could see how I was feeling,

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but no one would know why, so it was embarrassing.

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You get in your head about it,

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and then you're just like, "Everybody's looking at me."

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One bead of sweat feels like the whole face is pouring down.

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Just sweating,

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and then just all in my head going,

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"This is so embarrassing.

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What are they thinking of me?

218
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They have no idea.

219
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I can't tell them."

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Everywhere I go, every single time I meet someone,

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it's almost like I'm being drained of this energy,

222
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picking up on other people's emotion.

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Finally, I'd bump into somebody

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who was sweating more than me,

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and I would stop, be able to speak to them,

226
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and then everything would calm down,

227
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and then I could move on again.

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I was willing to drink. I was willing to take drugs.

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I was willing to try and do the things

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that made me feel less like I was feeling.

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But I slowly became aware

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that, okay, I wasn't drinking Monday to Friday,

233
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but I would probably drink a week's worth

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in one day on a Friday or a Saturday night.

235
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And I would find myself drinking

236
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not because I was enjoying it,

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but because I was trying to mask something.

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Did you know at the time you were doing that,

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that you were trying to mask something?

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-No. -No, you didn't.

241
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Completely unaware of it,

242
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which was my...

243
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my brain telling me that I'm in a fight.

244
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I never knew that.

245
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Why would I know that?

246
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The happiest times in my life was the ten years in the army.

247
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Without question.

248
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Because I got to wear the same uniform

249
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as everybody else.

250
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I had to do all the same training as everybody else.

251
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I started from the bottom like everybody else.

252
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There was no special treatment

253
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because of who I was.

254
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Oh-ho-ho, there it is.

255
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That was where I felt my most normal,

256
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and actually, you know, within my younger years,

257
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the most comfortable I felt was out in Afghanistan,

258
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away from the media.

259
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I was gonna have to deal with my past,

260
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because there was anger there.

261
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Towards my late 20s,

262
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I was starting to ask questions of,

263
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"Should I really be here?"

264
00:12:01,826 --> 00:12:03,995
And that was when I suddenly started going,

265
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"You can't keep hiding from this."

266
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Family members have said, "Just play the game

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00:12:08,958 --> 00:12:11,419
and your life will be easier."

268
00:12:11,502 --> 00:12:15,173
But I've got a hell of a lot of my mum in me.

269
00:12:17,008 --> 00:12:18,843
I feel as though I'm...

270
00:12:18,927 --> 00:12:22,472
I'm... outside of the system,

271
00:12:22,555 --> 00:12:23,932
but I'm still stuck there.

272
00:12:26,935 --> 00:12:29,479
The only way to free yourself and break out

273
00:12:29,562 --> 00:12:30,772
is to tell the truth.

274
00:12:36,736 --> 00:12:38,655
I've been a chef all my life.

275
00:12:40,532 --> 00:12:43,243
Growing up, everybody knew I was gonna be a chef.

276
00:12:44,452 --> 00:12:45,787
How you guys doing? I'm Chef Rashad.

277
00:12:45,870 --> 00:12:47,413
I'm the founder of Black Food Collective.

278
00:12:47,497 --> 00:12:49,874
I started Black Food Collective back in 2017.

279
00:12:49,958 --> 00:12:51,626
Our first event was Afro Tech.

280
00:12:51,709 --> 00:12:53,962
Can we have all hands on deck, please,

281
00:12:54,045 --> 00:12:55,630
to go over there and help them unload their truck?

282
00:12:55,713 --> 00:12:57,257
-How's the conference today? -Good.

283
00:12:57,340 --> 00:12:58,925
'Cause you don't want people lining up right here.

284
00:12:59,008 --> 00:13:00,885
One thing that's missing in the food industry

285
00:13:00,969 --> 00:13:02,345
is Black-owned food businesses.

286
00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:03,721
I'm Chef Rashad. I'm the one

287
00:13:03,805 --> 00:13:05,807
that's putting all this stuff together.

288
00:13:05,890 --> 00:13:08,518
Food can bring people from every walk of life...

289
00:13:08,601 --> 00:13:09,894
-Yep. -To one table.

290
00:13:09,978 --> 00:13:11,855
Thank you. I appreciate you.

291
00:13:11,938 --> 00:13:13,481
They used to always say,

292
00:13:13,565 --> 00:13:14,607
"You're either gonna be a chef

293
00:13:14,691 --> 00:13:16,609
or a... or a preacher."

294
00:13:16,693 --> 00:13:19,487
Our whole mission is to create and grow these businesses

295
00:13:19,571 --> 00:13:21,948
by showing them that they can actually create wealth

296
00:13:22,031 --> 00:13:24,075
within their community and their family

297
00:13:24,158 --> 00:13:25,785
to sustain them for a lifetime.

298
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:29,956
Whenever I get in front of people when I'm talking,

299
00:13:30,039 --> 00:13:31,875
people are like, "Oh, my God, that was so powerful,

300
00:13:31,958 --> 00:13:34,502
what you said"...

301
00:13:34,586 --> 00:13:36,296
and I say that's not me.

302
00:13:39,215 --> 00:13:41,009
That is not Rashad.

303
00:13:43,678 --> 00:13:45,680
I was taught how to wear a mask very, very well,

304
00:13:45,763 --> 00:13:47,807
so, you know, I can get up and get dressed

305
00:13:47,891 --> 00:13:51,060
with the best of 'em and put a smile on and...

306
00:13:51,144 --> 00:13:53,438
Ah! Positive.

307
00:13:53,521 --> 00:13:57,817
But inside, feel completely broken.

308
00:13:59,736 --> 00:14:01,237
Little things in my childhood

309
00:14:01,321 --> 00:14:04,490
really affected me in a major way.

310
00:14:04,574 --> 00:14:06,367
When I was very, very young,

311
00:14:06,451 --> 00:14:08,620
the police raided our house,

312
00:14:08,703 --> 00:14:10,580
and my dad went to jail.

313
00:14:12,290 --> 00:14:14,709
I remember going to visit him in jail.

314
00:14:16,002 --> 00:14:19,172
Growing up, I seen a lot of stuff.

315
00:14:19,255 --> 00:14:21,174
I have friends that are addicted to drugs.

316
00:14:21,257 --> 00:14:23,343
I have friends that are walking around talking to themselves.

317
00:14:23,426 --> 00:14:25,553
I have...

318
00:14:25,637 --> 00:14:26,804
all these people,

319
00:14:26,888 --> 00:14:29,724
these--these Black men that I know

320
00:14:29,807 --> 00:14:32,518
that are older and younger that are dealing with...

321
00:14:34,604 --> 00:14:36,814
...or not dealing with anything.

322
00:14:38,691 --> 00:14:40,235
So I look at them...

323
00:14:44,489 --> 00:14:46,407
...and when I look at them,

324
00:14:46,491 --> 00:14:47,659
I see me.

325
00:14:54,332 --> 00:14:56,042
The general population

326
00:14:56,125 --> 00:14:58,044
holds a lot of stigma

327
00:14:58,127 --> 00:15:00,171
for people who struggle with

328
00:15:00,255 --> 00:15:01,881
mental health issues.

329
00:15:01,965 --> 00:15:03,466
And the irony is that

330
00:15:03,550 --> 00:15:07,929
I don't think any person is one family member away

331
00:15:08,012 --> 00:15:11,015
from somebody who isn't suffering from depression,

332
00:15:11,099 --> 00:15:13,935
anxiety, substance abuse and dependence, trauma.

333
00:15:14,018 --> 00:15:15,436
You take those four things,

334
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:19,399
you probably are gonna reach 80% of the population.

335
00:15:19,482 --> 00:15:22,193
People would not think twice

336
00:15:22,277 --> 00:15:24,320
about saying that their child had cancer

337
00:15:24,404 --> 00:15:25,989
and that they're gonna go get treatment,

338
00:15:26,072 --> 00:15:28,867
but they're embarrassed to say, "My child has depression,

339
00:15:28,950 --> 00:15:31,286
and I have to take him for treatment."

340
00:15:31,369 --> 00:15:33,788
So I think we have a long way to go in our society.

341
00:15:35,707 --> 00:15:37,333
I was made to feel insecure

342
00:15:37,417 --> 00:15:41,337
about me being vocal, me being honest about that.

343
00:15:41,421 --> 00:15:43,464
"Be quiet. Don't say that. No, calm down.

344
00:15:43,548 --> 00:15:44,841
Oh, no, you talk too much."

345
00:15:47,093 --> 00:15:49,429
After dealing with depression and anxiety,

346
00:15:49,512 --> 00:15:51,931
I've lost all my passion for cooking.

347
00:15:52,015 --> 00:15:53,933
It's completely gone.

348
00:15:54,893 --> 00:15:56,853
In 2018, I won "Chopped"

349
00:15:56,936 --> 00:16:00,273
Chef Rashad Armstead, you are the Chopped Champion.

350
00:16:00,356 --> 00:16:02,025
Take a moment to savor the victory

351
00:16:02,108 --> 00:16:05,195
before you take 10,000 bucks to the bank.

352
00:16:05,278 --> 00:16:06,738
Thank you.

353
00:16:06,821 --> 00:16:09,407
Like, I haven't even watched my "Chopped" episode.

354
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:11,367
I remember how much pain I was in

355
00:16:11,451 --> 00:16:14,245
while I was doin' that show.

356
00:16:14,329 --> 00:16:15,580
Within a year,

357
00:16:15,663 --> 00:16:18,291
my whole entire life has changed completely.

358
00:16:18,374 --> 00:16:19,918
I got a divorce.

359
00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:21,628
Closed down two restaurants.

360
00:16:21,711 --> 00:16:24,797
No car. Credit is jacked.

361
00:16:24,881 --> 00:16:28,009
Speaking from a Black man's perspective,

362
00:16:28,092 --> 00:16:31,638
you try to do so many of the right things

363
00:16:31,721 --> 00:16:34,182
that you're told that you're supposed to do

364
00:16:34,265 --> 00:16:36,851
and you're supposed to be and you're supposed to act

365
00:16:36,935 --> 00:16:39,395
and you're supposed to live,

366
00:16:39,479 --> 00:16:42,482
not knowing that there's a undercurrent.

367
00:16:42,565 --> 00:16:45,109
The rent a car place said that I fit a description

368
00:16:45,193 --> 00:16:48,154
of a male that was using a fake credit card.

369
00:16:48,238 --> 00:16:50,865
I was detained for a few minutes because I was Black.

370
00:16:50,949 --> 00:16:52,408
This guy is parked illegally.

371
00:16:52,492 --> 00:16:54,202
-Parked for two seconds. -Put it on Facebook.

372
00:16:54,285 --> 00:16:55,286
I don't have to put it on Facebook.

373
00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:56,412
This is for my protection

374
00:16:56,496 --> 00:16:58,331
because for you to call the police--

375
00:16:58,414 --> 00:17:00,667
for you to call the police on a person

376
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:02,043
because they're parked for two seconds...

377
00:17:02,126 --> 00:17:03,294
-Yeah, 'cause it takes one... -Is sick,

378
00:17:03,378 --> 00:17:04,837
-especially because-- -To make a swarm!

379
00:17:04,921 --> 00:17:06,129
A swarm!

380
00:17:06,214 --> 00:17:09,050
And it makes you want to give up sometimes.

381
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:13,303
It makes you want to fight even harder.

382
00:17:13,388 --> 00:17:15,056
But it still is like one of those things

383
00:17:15,138 --> 00:17:17,934
where you gotta find hope in this--

384
00:17:18,017 --> 00:17:19,851
in this darkness.

385
00:17:22,981 --> 00:17:25,316
In the Black community,

386
00:17:25,399 --> 00:17:27,402
we've been taught for years

387
00:17:27,485 --> 00:17:30,697
to go to church, take it to God,

388
00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:32,407
and everything is gonna be okay.

389
00:17:34,117 --> 00:17:36,119
Therapy is a taboo situation

390
00:17:36,202 --> 00:17:37,996
when it comes to the Black community.

391
00:17:38,079 --> 00:17:39,205
We don't do that.

392
00:17:40,748 --> 00:17:42,458
So I had to push it all down.

393
00:17:43,877 --> 00:17:46,796
Now I'm dealing with depression and anxiety.

394
00:17:47,839 --> 00:17:50,258
Sometimes I'm suicidal.

395
00:17:50,341 --> 00:17:53,511
The heaviest feeling in my life.

396
00:17:53,595 --> 00:17:55,847
It felt like weights were on me,

397
00:17:55,930 --> 00:17:57,682
because I'm literally walking around here

398
00:17:57,765 --> 00:17:59,559
trying to hold on.

399
00:17:59,642 --> 00:18:02,395
I'm like this, "Okay, okay, just keep going.

400
00:18:02,478 --> 00:18:03,813
Keep going, keep going, keep going."

401
00:18:04,606 --> 00:18:06,983
Childhood memories come up,

402
00:18:07,066 --> 00:18:10,486
and the fear just cripples me.

403
00:18:11,529 --> 00:18:13,156
But I have to keep on going now

404
00:18:13,239 --> 00:18:15,366
because if I don't keep on going,

405
00:18:15,450 --> 00:18:16,868
what the heck am I gonna do?

406
00:18:18,328 --> 00:18:20,330
I feel like one of those hamsters running in a wheel.

407
00:18:21,789 --> 00:18:22,749
Like, I'm just going, going, going,

408
00:18:22,832 --> 00:18:23,750
but I'm not going anywhere.

409
00:18:30,215 --> 00:18:31,674
Going to therapy.

410
00:18:31,758 --> 00:18:33,593
I didn't know it was gonna be this nerve-wracking.

411
00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:36,930
Ah, a thousand, billion things

412
00:18:37,013 --> 00:18:39,307
are going through my head right now, just...

413
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:42,435
...especially 'cause it was so hard

414
00:18:42,518 --> 00:18:44,395
for me to get out of bed this morning.

415
00:18:44,479 --> 00:18:46,272
It was one of those days where it was just

416
00:18:46,356 --> 00:18:48,942
a challenge for me to wake up and...

417
00:18:49,025 --> 00:18:50,610
put one foot in front of the other.

418
00:18:51,569 --> 00:18:53,863
'Cause everything was calling, just telling me,

419
00:18:53,947 --> 00:18:56,241
"Just reschedule. Just do this, just do that.

420
00:18:56,324 --> 00:18:58,326
You should do this and just stay in bed,

421
00:18:58,409 --> 00:18:59,869
and you deserve to rest,"

422
00:18:59,953 --> 00:19:01,996
and all those kind of good things.

423
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,458
But I had to push past all that.

424
00:19:07,585 --> 00:19:09,295
I've learned that when you speak certain things,

425
00:19:09,379 --> 00:19:10,838
you give life to it,

426
00:19:10,922 --> 00:19:14,342
things that sometimes I try to not talk about

427
00:19:14,425 --> 00:19:15,885
and try not to share.

428
00:19:17,804 --> 00:19:19,722
You know, in therapy, you're gonna have to share that

429
00:19:19,806 --> 00:19:22,767
if you really wanna get it right.

430
00:19:22,850 --> 00:19:24,394
So it's uncomfortable for me.

431
00:19:30,608 --> 00:19:32,527
Yeah, it was, uh, it was definitely

432
00:19:32,610 --> 00:19:35,655
intense, but it was, um...

433
00:19:35,738 --> 00:19:37,240
just some of the things I was--

434
00:19:37,323 --> 00:19:39,158
some of the situations that I was telling her,

435
00:19:39,242 --> 00:19:42,036
she was just like...

436
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:46,958
"Wow, those are all really, really big red flags."

437
00:19:50,003 --> 00:19:52,839
Oh, it just brought up so many different emotions.

438
00:19:52,922 --> 00:19:53,923
Man.

439
00:19:58,177 --> 00:19:59,262
It's to that point to where

440
00:19:59,345 --> 00:20:02,307
if I don't be honest about where I am,

441
00:20:02,390 --> 00:20:05,602
if I don't feel everything that I'm going through right now,

442
00:20:05,685 --> 00:20:08,980
if I try to lie about it or try to mask it,

443
00:20:09,063 --> 00:20:11,566
it's gonna be a dangerous situation.

444
00:20:11,649 --> 00:20:13,193
The mask has to come off.

445
00:20:13,276 --> 00:20:14,736
That's the only way I'm gonna be free from this,

446
00:20:14,819 --> 00:20:16,821
if I rip this mask off.

447
00:20:19,657 --> 00:20:20,909
Your brain's health

448
00:20:20,992 --> 00:20:24,037
is just as important as the rest of your body.

449
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:25,455
To be able to train it like a muscle--

450
00:20:25,538 --> 00:20:26,873
I know the brain's not a muscle,

451
00:20:26,956 --> 00:20:29,709
but to be able to train it, just as much as we focus

452
00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:31,252
on our physical health...

453
00:20:31,336 --> 00:20:33,254
-Right. -...so should we be focused

454
00:20:33,338 --> 00:20:34,631
on our mental health.

455
00:20:34,714 --> 00:20:36,257
The two are not separate. We know this.

456
00:20:36,341 --> 00:20:38,384
They are intrinsically linked.

457
00:20:38,468 --> 00:20:40,929
But across society, across the world,

458
00:20:41,012 --> 00:20:43,389
with stigma and everything else that's attached to it,

459
00:20:43,473 --> 00:20:46,142
mental health kind of gets left behind.

460
00:20:46,226 --> 00:20:47,894
But it's also the invisible injury.

461
00:20:47,977 --> 00:20:49,687
And the things that we can't see

462
00:20:49,771 --> 00:20:52,398
and the things that we don't understand scare us.

463
00:20:52,482 --> 00:20:54,734
Um, and...

464
00:20:54,817 --> 00:20:57,570
and it's hard to be able to talk about something

465
00:20:57,654 --> 00:21:01,032
that perhaps a lot of people don't feel.

466
00:21:02,742 --> 00:21:03,660
- That's it, that's it.

467
00:21:03,743 --> 00:21:04,744
Now pick--jab.

468
00:21:06,746 --> 00:21:08,414
There you go, there you go. Stay down!

469
00:21:09,791 --> 00:21:11,167
Chin down, chin down.

470
00:21:11,251 --> 00:21:14,128
I am six months out to the Olympics.

471
00:21:14,212 --> 00:21:16,172
I'm ranked number three in the world now,

472
00:21:16,256 --> 00:21:18,383
and everybody's looking at me,

473
00:21:18,466 --> 00:21:21,302
not only just to go to Tokyo, but to get gold.

474
00:21:23,304 --> 00:21:24,222
To watch her in the ring,

475
00:21:24,305 --> 00:21:25,431
she can go a whole fight,

476
00:21:25,515 --> 00:21:27,475
just throw one punch and win it.

477
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,436
And it's like I feel like that's a masterpiece.

478
00:21:34,774 --> 00:21:37,694
Virginia!

479
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,783
Ish, ish.

480
00:21:43,867 --> 00:21:45,368
When I was little I was like,

481
00:21:45,451 --> 00:21:48,705
"I don't have a disease." I was like, "I'm not sick."

482
00:21:49,706 --> 00:21:51,291
Put your hands up.

483
00:21:51,374 --> 00:21:52,375
Ish!

484
00:21:52,458 --> 00:21:53,501
In middle school,

485
00:21:53,585 --> 00:21:55,253
I became anorexic.

486
00:21:55,336 --> 00:21:56,629
It started with just going on a diet,

487
00:21:56,713 --> 00:21:59,382
and then it became more, um, intense.

488
00:21:59,465 --> 00:22:00,967
And I liked my results...

489
00:22:02,969 --> 00:22:04,762
...to the point where I've lost so much weight,

490
00:22:04,846 --> 00:22:06,973
the doctors and my parents were worried

491
00:22:07,056 --> 00:22:09,767
I might get to the point where I could kill myself

492
00:22:09,851 --> 00:22:11,811
'cause I'm so-- or starve myself, pretty much.

493
00:22:11,895 --> 00:22:13,479
So they sent me to inpatient treatment.

494
00:22:14,981 --> 00:22:17,942
The doctors there discovered

495
00:22:18,026 --> 00:22:21,196
really, what's causing the anorexia

496
00:22:21,279 --> 00:22:24,866
is that she has this disea-- a disease called OCD.

497
00:22:36,544 --> 00:22:38,087
When I'm here in Colorado Springs

498
00:22:38,171 --> 00:22:40,048
and I have this room to myself,

499
00:22:40,131 --> 00:22:42,634
sometimes this room can almost be like a prison.

500
00:22:45,511 --> 00:22:47,513
It's like, "Oh, my OCD now can take over.

501
00:22:47,597 --> 00:22:49,515
There's nobody else."

502
00:22:51,643 --> 00:22:56,272
And I can get stuck cleaning till 5:00 in the morning.

503
00:22:58,316 --> 00:22:59,984
I need my boxing shoes for training,

504
00:23:00,068 --> 00:23:02,946
but I can't wear them unless they're clean.

505
00:23:03,029 --> 00:23:07,242
I wash my shoes a lot because, in my mind,

506
00:23:07,325 --> 00:23:09,661
the bottom of it is so contaminated.

507
00:23:11,496 --> 00:23:14,374
So I hate the feeling of putting dirty shoes on.

508
00:23:15,291 --> 00:23:16,292
Aw, damn it.

509
00:23:17,293 --> 00:23:19,712
So...

510
00:23:19,796 --> 00:23:21,422
the shoe accidentally touched my arm,

511
00:23:21,506 --> 00:23:23,967
so now I gotta go wash my hands.

512
00:23:24,050 --> 00:23:25,718
So this is what I mean by a vicious cycle.

513
00:23:25,802 --> 00:23:29,556
When I clean something, in the process, I get dirty,

514
00:23:29,639 --> 00:23:31,099
and then I go clean myself.

515
00:23:37,605 --> 00:23:40,483
Okay. Get my soap.

516
00:23:50,243 --> 00:23:51,703
So I thought it would take ten minutes,

517
00:23:51,786 --> 00:23:54,539
but again, I always tell myself and this stuff happens,

518
00:23:54,622 --> 00:23:56,165
and it changes everything.

519
00:23:59,836 --> 00:24:01,671
Ah. A lot of times, like,

520
00:24:01,754 --> 00:24:05,466
the soap has to fall on my hand in a certain way,

521
00:24:05,550 --> 00:24:07,510
or...

522
00:24:07,594 --> 00:24:10,555
or it's not getting clean like I want it to.

523
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,685
I feel like I've used two different kinds of soaps

524
00:24:15,768 --> 00:24:17,729
to get clean.

525
00:24:17,812 --> 00:24:20,899
Again, I don't know why, but my brain tells me that.

526
00:24:20,982 --> 00:24:23,359
Well, that's where the shoe touched me.

527
00:24:23,443 --> 00:24:24,903
It touched me on the wrist,

528
00:24:24,986 --> 00:24:27,739
so I'm trying to make it fall on my wrist like this

529
00:24:27,822 --> 00:24:29,365
where--how it touched me.

530
00:24:31,284 --> 00:24:32,535
Ah...

531
00:24:33,494 --> 00:24:34,746
So...

532
00:24:34,829 --> 00:24:37,498
The thing with OCD is it's like a trap.

533
00:24:37,582 --> 00:24:39,626
"Stop." I keep telling myself. It's like I can't, I can't.

534
00:24:39,709 --> 00:24:42,754
It's like I'm trapped in a cycle of cleaning,

535
00:24:42,837 --> 00:24:44,714
and even though I wanna get out, I wanna stop...

536
00:24:44,797 --> 00:24:46,799
Ahh. Almost had it.

537
00:24:46,883 --> 00:24:48,635
My mind's like, "Nope, one more time.

538
00:24:48,718 --> 00:24:50,220
Nope, one more time.

539
00:24:51,346 --> 00:24:54,307
With me, if I don't wash my hands the proper way,

540
00:24:54,390 --> 00:24:57,310
this very uncomfortable feeling in your body

541
00:24:57,393 --> 00:24:59,520
where your mind gets foggy,

542
00:24:59,604 --> 00:25:01,523
your muscles tense up.

543
00:25:02,774 --> 00:25:05,527
You just--you can't think properly,

544
00:25:05,610 --> 00:25:06,736
and it won't stop.

545
00:25:09,614 --> 00:25:12,116
I spent most of my life hiding it,

546
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:16,704
and that made me feel more insecure.

547
00:25:17,455 --> 00:25:18,665
I didn't like myself.

548
00:25:19,958 --> 00:25:21,084
'Cause I hid it for so long

549
00:25:21,167 --> 00:25:22,252
'cause I thought people would judge me,

550
00:25:22,335 --> 00:25:24,003
and then, you know, think I'm a freak.

551
00:25:25,755 --> 00:25:28,800
Coming out with it has helped me understand it more.

552
00:25:28,883 --> 00:25:30,718
When I tell people, they're like, "Why do you that?"

553
00:25:30,802 --> 00:25:32,679
and it makes me think, "Huh. Why do I do that?"

554
00:25:32,762 --> 00:25:34,722
And so I have to think why I do it,

555
00:25:34,806 --> 00:25:38,017
and then when I see why I do it, I'm like, "Oh. Okay."

556
00:25:38,935 --> 00:25:40,186
You see that?

557
00:25:40,270 --> 00:25:43,147
You see what you're doing? You see what you're doin'?

558
00:25:43,231 --> 00:25:46,234
I don't like my wraps touching the ground.

559
00:25:46,317 --> 00:25:47,527
All my teammates, you know, they don't care.

560
00:25:47,610 --> 00:25:49,571
They're like, pshh, wrapping their hands.

561
00:25:49,654 --> 00:25:50,655
It's all touching the ground,

562
00:25:50,738 --> 00:25:52,949
where I'm like, "Ah, no, ah, no."

563
00:25:53,032 --> 00:25:54,784
So when Derwin takes my wraps off,

564
00:25:54,868 --> 00:25:56,661
we make sure it doesn't touch the ground.

565
00:25:56,744 --> 00:25:58,371
He's learned, finally.

566
00:25:58,454 --> 00:25:59,789
He puts 'em on his shoulder.

567
00:25:59,873 --> 00:26:02,083
Took him a while to learn, but now he knows.

568
00:26:03,293 --> 00:26:05,211
The ground is like lava,

569
00:26:05,295 --> 00:26:06,337
contamination lava.

570
00:26:06,421 --> 00:26:09,591
That's what I say.

571
00:26:10,174 --> 00:26:11,593
And the thing with my OCD,

572
00:26:11,676 --> 00:26:14,012
a lot of people with contamination fear

573
00:26:14,095 --> 00:26:15,805
can be about--

574
00:26:15,889 --> 00:26:17,807
their fear is about getting sick and dying.

575
00:26:17,891 --> 00:26:19,225
That's not my fear, necessarily.

576
00:26:19,309 --> 00:26:20,226
I wasn't worried about, "Oh, my God,

577
00:26:20,310 --> 00:26:21,227
her blood's in my mouth.

578
00:26:21,311 --> 00:26:22,228
I'm gonna have a disease,

579
00:26:22,312 --> 00:26:23,354
I'm gonna get sick and die."

580
00:26:23,438 --> 00:26:24,731
That's not what I was worried about.

581
00:26:24,814 --> 00:26:28,359
My fear's more just the dirty, disgusting feeling

582
00:26:28,443 --> 00:26:31,196
makes me feel like a disgusting, dirty person.

583
00:26:33,740 --> 00:26:35,950
OCD is recurring thoughts

584
00:26:36,034 --> 00:26:39,078
that cause distress, anxiety, or fear...

585
00:26:40,580 --> 00:26:41,998
...and repetitive behaviors

586
00:26:42,081 --> 00:26:44,500
that are intended to reduce that distress.

587
00:26:46,377 --> 00:26:48,671
There are many types of OCD.

588
00:26:48,755 --> 00:26:51,925
People are most familiar with ordering and symmetry

589
00:26:52,008 --> 00:26:54,928
or a need to get things just right.

590
00:26:55,011 --> 00:26:57,096
With contamination OCD,

591
00:26:57,180 --> 00:26:59,265
the fear is of disgust.

592
00:27:04,354 --> 00:27:07,398
This feeling of disgust is so unpleasant,

593
00:27:07,482 --> 00:27:10,193
it's intolerable, it will last forever,

594
00:27:10,276 --> 00:27:12,278
and the rituals are intended

595
00:27:12,362 --> 00:27:15,448
to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling.

596
00:27:20,245 --> 00:27:21,996
I've always been able

597
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,833
to not let my OCD creep into my boxing.

598
00:27:26,751 --> 00:27:29,379
But this past February was totally different.

599
00:27:30,630 --> 00:27:33,424
I went three days, maybe two hours of sleep.

600
00:27:33,508 --> 00:27:35,009
I'd be in the gym,

601
00:27:35,093 --> 00:27:36,844
and something's gonna touch my skin,

602
00:27:36,928 --> 00:27:38,012
and I would go and wash it,

603
00:27:38,096 --> 00:27:40,974
but was washing that one little spot

604
00:27:41,057 --> 00:27:43,685
that touched the ground for two seconds.

605
00:27:43,768 --> 00:27:46,020
I washed one little spot for maybe 30 minutes.

606
00:27:46,104 --> 00:27:48,398
And then I would go and do laundry,

607
00:27:48,481 --> 00:27:49,941
but the laundry wouldn't be right,

608
00:27:50,024 --> 00:27:52,360
so I'd have to redo the laundry a couple of times.

609
00:27:52,443 --> 00:27:54,279
That's how it escalated.

610
00:27:54,362 --> 00:27:56,406
The whole process of getting in the shower

611
00:27:56,489 --> 00:27:58,616
got worse and worse and worse.

612
00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:00,159
It took a whole hour now.

613
00:28:00,869 --> 00:28:02,912
I used to only use one sponge for one shower.

614
00:28:02,996 --> 00:28:05,623
Now I started using, like, ten sponges for one shower.

615
00:28:05,707 --> 00:28:07,375
Five bars of soap for one shower.

616
00:28:07,458 --> 00:28:10,211
I'd go through the big containers of shower gel.

617
00:28:10,295 --> 00:28:11,754
I'd go through two of those in one shower.

618
00:28:11,838 --> 00:28:13,840
I wasn't eating, too, because I didn't have time

619
00:28:13,923 --> 00:28:15,300
to go down to the caf and eat.

620
00:28:15,383 --> 00:28:17,468
I needed to take a shower before the next practice.

621
00:28:18,595 --> 00:28:20,054
I was searching for that feeling so hard,

622
00:28:20,138 --> 00:28:21,723
like, in the process of doing it,

623
00:28:21,806 --> 00:28:24,475
my muscles tightened, and I'm like...

624
00:28:24,559 --> 00:28:25,727
breathing so hard it was--

625
00:28:25,810 --> 00:28:27,145
it was almost kind of like a workout.

626
00:28:27,228 --> 00:28:29,606
It was like I was working out 24/7, no stop,

627
00:28:29,689 --> 00:28:31,608
with one hour sleep.

628
00:28:32,734 --> 00:28:33,860
When you're not sleeping for three days,

629
00:28:33,943 --> 00:28:36,404
you get delusional, you can't think straight,

630
00:28:36,487 --> 00:28:40,158
and that third night, I just got stuck in that.

631
00:28:41,784 --> 00:28:42,785
I'm just continuously doing it,

632
00:28:42,869 --> 00:28:44,162
and it's not changing.

633
00:28:44,245 --> 00:28:45,830
Like, the feeling of getting clean is not changing,

634
00:28:45,914 --> 00:28:48,625
and I became very frustrated with myself.

635
00:28:48,708 --> 00:28:50,919
I was like, "Just stop!" You know, yelling at myself.

636
00:28:51,002 --> 00:28:53,254
Crying. Like, I was like, "Oh, my God, why can't I stop?"

637
00:28:53,338 --> 00:28:55,965
And, um... I was, like, pacing back and forth,

638
00:28:56,049 --> 00:28:57,717
just very erratic.

639
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,054
I don't know what to do. I'm just stuck in this trap.

640
00:29:01,137 --> 00:29:02,430
Now you're not gonna be able to box.

641
00:29:02,513 --> 00:29:04,224
Now you're not gonna be able to socialize.

642
00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:06,935
Like, I was like, "Now you're not gonna be able to live

643
00:29:07,018 --> 00:29:09,312
because if you get up and try to live,

644
00:29:09,395 --> 00:29:11,356
you're gonna get stuck in that trap and not get out of it."

645
00:29:12,565 --> 00:29:14,943
I became so exhausted at this point,

646
00:29:15,026 --> 00:29:16,819
like, bawling hysterically.

647
00:29:16,903 --> 00:29:19,572
I just kind of, like, fell on the floor

648
00:29:19,656 --> 00:29:21,658
and that's when I was like,

649
00:29:21,741 --> 00:29:24,285
"I need some serious help, and I better do it now

650
00:29:24,369 --> 00:29:27,205
before it's too late."

651
00:29:33,169 --> 00:29:35,004
What other words have you heard

652
00:29:35,088 --> 00:29:39,217
when it comes to stigma around mental health?

653
00:29:39,300 --> 00:29:40,426
-Crazy? -Crazy.

654
00:29:40,510 --> 00:29:42,136
-Lost it. -Lost it.

655
00:29:42,220 --> 00:29:43,763
-Can't keep it together. -Mental.

656
00:29:43,846 --> 00:29:46,057
-Yeah. Nervous breakdown. -Yeah.

657
00:29:46,140 --> 00:29:50,645
That stigma of...

658
00:29:50,728 --> 00:29:53,773
being labeled "the other"

659
00:29:53,857 --> 00:29:55,525
is the ultimate, I think,

660
00:29:55,608 --> 00:29:56,651
when it comes to mental health.

661
00:29:56,734 --> 00:29:58,778
Look at how many years

662
00:29:58,862 --> 00:30:01,281
people have tried to hide this in their own families

663
00:30:01,364 --> 00:30:03,449
and not wanting anybody to know.

664
00:30:03,533 --> 00:30:05,326
And if your parents don't want to talk about it

665
00:30:05,410 --> 00:30:06,995
and your friends can't remind you about it,

666
00:30:07,078 --> 00:30:09,372
then there's no reason why you should go, "Hang on a second.

667
00:30:09,455 --> 00:30:11,541
I may be the product of my upbringing."

668
00:30:11,624 --> 00:30:15,962
Yeah, and everybody who has kept a secret,

669
00:30:16,045 --> 00:30:17,547
lived in shame,

670
00:30:17,630 --> 00:30:19,257
let that, um--

671
00:30:19,340 --> 00:30:24,137
let the silence, uh, create the stigma for you

672
00:30:24,220 --> 00:30:28,057
and broke the shame barrier for yourself.

673
00:30:28,141 --> 00:30:31,311
You recognize that when you share the story,

674
00:30:31,394 --> 00:30:34,939
it allows other people to not just see you differently,

675
00:30:35,023 --> 00:30:36,774
but you see yourself differently

676
00:30:36,858 --> 00:30:38,693
and you end up helping so many other people.

677
00:30:38,776 --> 00:30:41,029
So I love those aha moments

678
00:30:41,112 --> 00:30:43,948
and being able to share stories

679
00:30:44,032 --> 00:30:46,659
that allow people to see themselves

680
00:30:46,743 --> 00:30:47,994
in somebody else.

681
00:30:48,077 --> 00:30:51,706
And every time I see someone like Lady Gaga

682
00:30:51,789 --> 00:30:53,750
coming out and speaking about it,

683
00:30:53,833 --> 00:30:55,418
I know that's a great thing

684
00:30:55,501 --> 00:30:59,172
because it allows people to say, "Oh, you? Even you?

685
00:30:59,255 --> 00:31:02,050
With all that you have and are exposed to?"

686
00:31:02,133 --> 00:31:03,551
So that's the goal here,

687
00:31:03,635 --> 00:31:06,554
is to get people to call it out.

688
00:31:06,638 --> 00:31:10,475
Please welcome the incomparable

689
00:31:10,558 --> 00:31:13,102
Lady Gaga.

690
00:31:18,233 --> 00:31:20,693
When I saw Oprah

691
00:31:20,777 --> 00:31:22,737
and we had that talk...

692
00:31:22,820 --> 00:31:25,198
Mental health is a crisis.

693
00:31:25,281 --> 00:31:27,992
And so medication has helped you.

694
00:31:28,076 --> 00:31:29,869
Medication's helped me tremendously.

695
00:31:29,953 --> 00:31:33,957
...and after she came back into the room with me...

696
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:36,459
You were so vulnerable. You were so truthful.

697
00:31:36,543 --> 00:31:37,919
You were so real.

698
00:31:38,002 --> 00:31:41,047
...and we were both crying and hugging,

699
00:31:41,130 --> 00:31:43,383
I felt like I was in the company

700
00:31:43,466 --> 00:31:46,177
of someone who was safe.

701
00:31:46,261 --> 00:31:50,223
I went through a really crazy time in my head

702
00:31:50,306 --> 00:31:52,225
that I still work on,

703
00:31:52,308 --> 00:31:55,812
and I'm trying to make sure

704
00:31:55,895 --> 00:31:58,147
that I give back with that experience

705
00:31:58,231 --> 00:32:00,191
instead of just...

706
00:32:00,275 --> 00:32:03,152
I don't know, locking it away and faking it.

707
00:32:03,236 --> 00:32:05,238
Can't read my, can't read my

708
00:32:05,321 --> 00:32:08,950
No, he can't read my poker face

709
00:32:09,033 --> 00:32:11,536
She's got me like nobody

710
00:32:17,709 --> 00:32:20,211
My mental health I thought was a problem

711
00:32:20,295 --> 00:32:21,504
when I was very young.

712
00:32:21,588 --> 00:32:23,840
I used to cut myself when I was really young.

713
00:32:25,383 --> 00:32:28,803
I had my own experiences

714
00:32:28,887 --> 00:32:31,055
with abuse,

715
00:32:31,139 --> 00:32:35,101
and it's really hard for me to articulate

716
00:32:35,184 --> 00:32:36,811
in a way where I feel like

717
00:32:36,895 --> 00:32:38,605
it's safe for young people to listen

718
00:32:38,688 --> 00:32:40,148
or even older people to listen

719
00:32:40,231 --> 00:32:42,400
about why anyone would cut.

720
00:32:42,483 --> 00:32:44,402
Um, I do believe

721
00:32:44,485 --> 00:32:47,989
that those urges for me came from a place of,

722
00:32:48,072 --> 00:32:51,117
I need to show the hurt inside.

723
00:32:51,201 --> 00:32:52,744
Listen

724
00:32:54,829 --> 00:32:59,125
I've got the sickest ambition

725
00:32:59,209 --> 00:33:01,169
Whoo!

726
00:33:02,212 --> 00:33:05,673
I was 19 years old,

727
00:33:05,757 --> 00:33:09,135
and I was working in the business,

728
00:33:09,219 --> 00:33:14,349
and a producer said to me...

729
00:33:14,432 --> 00:33:16,017
"Take your clothes off."

730
00:33:17,644 --> 00:33:19,020
And I said, "No."

731
00:33:20,939 --> 00:33:24,317
And I left, and...

732
00:33:25,693 --> 00:33:28,905
...they told me they were gonna burn all my music.

733
00:33:31,616 --> 00:33:33,243
And they didn't stop...

734
00:33:37,747 --> 00:33:39,165
They didn't stop asking me,

735
00:33:39,249 --> 00:33:41,501
and then I just froze, and I just...

736
00:33:45,797 --> 00:33:48,841
I don't--I don't even remember.

737
00:33:54,681 --> 00:33:58,518
And I will not say his name.

738
00:33:58,601 --> 00:34:00,436
I understand this Me Too movement.

739
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:02,105
I understand that some people

740
00:34:02,188 --> 00:34:04,691
feel really comfortable with this,

741
00:34:04,774 --> 00:34:06,359
and I do not.

742
00:34:08,151 --> 00:34:11,030
I do not ever wanna face that person again.

743
00:34:13,950 --> 00:34:18,329
This system is so abusive and so dangerous.

744
00:34:18,412 --> 00:34:20,707
Years later, I went to the hospital.

745
00:34:20,789 --> 00:34:22,876
They brought a psychiatrist in.

746
00:34:22,959 --> 00:34:25,503
I said, "Bring me a real doctor."

747
00:34:27,296 --> 00:34:28,756
I said, "Why is there a psych here?

748
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,925
I can't feel my body."

749
00:34:31,008 --> 00:34:33,803
First, I felt full-on pain.

750
00:34:33,887 --> 00:34:36,014
Then I went numb.

751
00:34:37,390 --> 00:34:41,602
And then I was sick for weeks and weeks

752
00:34:41,686 --> 00:34:43,313
and weeks and weeks after,

753
00:34:43,396 --> 00:34:47,691
and I realized that it was this same pain that I felt

754
00:34:47,775 --> 00:34:49,485
when the person who raped me

755
00:34:49,568 --> 00:34:52,863
dropped me off pregnant on the corner,

756
00:34:52,947 --> 00:34:55,658
my parent's house,

757
00:34:55,742 --> 00:35:00,288
'cause I was vomiting and sick

758
00:35:00,371 --> 00:35:01,706
'cause I'd been being abused.

759
00:35:01,789 --> 00:35:04,292
I was locked away in a studio for months.

760
00:35:14,177 --> 00:35:18,264
I wanna be able to tell everybody that's watching

761
00:35:18,348 --> 00:35:22,227
that I dry my tears now and I move on.

762
00:35:22,310 --> 00:35:23,269
Like, I--you see?

763
00:35:23,353 --> 00:35:24,687
Like...

764
00:35:24,771 --> 00:35:26,314
I open my eyes. I was taught to do this.

765
00:35:26,397 --> 00:35:28,525
You roll your shoulders back.

766
00:35:28,608 --> 00:35:32,028
You open your eyes. It helps you regulate.

767
00:35:32,111 --> 00:35:33,321
You know, I know where I am.

768
00:35:33,404 --> 00:35:35,990
I'm in the basement of my office.

769
00:35:37,575 --> 00:35:39,410
And...

770
00:35:39,494 --> 00:35:41,829
you can come back from things like that.

771
00:35:41,913 --> 00:35:43,706
But when it--

772
00:35:43,790 --> 00:35:46,876
when it hits you really hard,

773
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:48,670
it can--it can--

774
00:35:48,753 --> 00:35:49,879
it can change you.

775
00:35:49,963 --> 00:35:53,550
I had a-- I had a total psychotic break.

776
00:35:53,633 --> 00:35:56,761
And for a couple years,

777
00:35:56,844 --> 00:35:59,847
I was not the same girl.

778
00:36:04,727 --> 00:36:08,064
The way that I feel when I feel pain

779
00:36:08,147 --> 00:36:10,900
is how I felt after I was raped.

780
00:36:10,984 --> 00:36:13,736
I've had so many MRIs and scans

781
00:36:13,820 --> 00:36:16,114
where they can't-- they don't find nothing,

782
00:36:16,197 --> 00:36:18,700
but...

783
00:36:18,783 --> 00:36:21,077
your body remembers.

784
00:36:22,954 --> 00:36:25,540
I couldn't feel anything.

785
00:36:28,793 --> 00:36:30,795
I disassociated.

786
00:36:32,672 --> 00:36:34,924
It's like your brain goes offline.

787
00:36:36,384 --> 00:36:38,678
And you don't know why no one else is panicking,

788
00:36:38,761 --> 00:36:40,096
but you are in an ult--

789
00:36:40,179 --> 00:36:43,182
like, an ultra-state of paranoia.

790
00:36:45,977 --> 00:36:48,271
It's a really very real thing

791
00:36:48,354 --> 00:36:51,482
to feel like there's a black cloud

792
00:36:51,566 --> 00:36:54,444
that is following you wherever you go,

793
00:36:54,527 --> 00:36:57,530
telling you that you're worthless and should die.

794
00:36:57,614 --> 00:36:59,699
And I used to scream

795
00:36:59,782 --> 00:37:02,410
and throw myself against the wall.

796
00:37:03,119 --> 00:37:05,038
And you know why it's not good to cut?

797
00:37:05,121 --> 00:37:06,122
You know why it's not good

798
00:37:06,206 --> 00:37:07,332
to throw yourself against the wall?

799
00:37:07,415 --> 00:37:09,250
You know why it's not good to self-harm?

800
00:37:09,334 --> 00:37:11,502
'Cause it makes you feel worse.

801
00:37:11,586 --> 00:37:13,713
You think you're gonna feel better

802
00:37:13,796 --> 00:37:15,131
'cause you're showing somebody,

803
00:37:15,215 --> 00:37:16,758
"Hey, look. I'm in pain."

804
00:37:16,841 --> 00:37:18,134
It doesn't help.

805
00:37:18,218 --> 00:37:20,220
I always tell people,

806
00:37:20,303 --> 00:37:23,723
"Tell somebody. Don't show somebody."

807
00:37:23,806 --> 00:37:26,559
And the reason that I believe

808
00:37:26,643 --> 00:37:29,395
I have cut since very recently

809
00:37:29,479 --> 00:37:33,650
is because the process of healing and my mental health

810
00:37:33,733 --> 00:37:38,321
has been a slow--

811
00:37:38,404 --> 00:37:40,156
a slow rise.

812
00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:42,784
And...

813
00:37:42,867 --> 00:37:47,539
even if I have six brilliant months,

814
00:37:47,622 --> 00:37:50,542
all it takes is...

815
00:37:50,625 --> 00:37:52,835
getting triggered once

816
00:37:52,919 --> 00:37:56,965
to... feel bad.

817
00:37:57,048 --> 00:37:58,216
And when I say feel bad,

818
00:37:58,299 --> 00:38:00,718
I mean wanna cut,

819
00:38:00,802 --> 00:38:02,262
think about dying,

820
00:38:02,345 --> 00:38:04,931
wondering if I'm ever gonna do it.

821
00:38:06,724 --> 00:38:08,810
I learned all the ways

822
00:38:08,893 --> 00:38:10,687
to pull myself out of it.

823
00:38:13,481 --> 00:38:15,233
It all started to slowly change.

824
00:38:15,316 --> 00:38:17,360
It took 2 1/2 years.

825
00:38:17,443 --> 00:38:19,445
What are you doing in that time?

826
00:38:19,529 --> 00:38:21,406
I won an Oscar.

827
00:38:22,574 --> 00:38:24,117
Nobody knew.

828
00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:26,160
Lady Gaga, Mark Ronson,

829
00:38:26,244 --> 00:38:28,872
Anthony Rossomando, and Andrew Wyatt.

830
00:38:30,498 --> 00:38:33,042
Thank you so much.

831
00:38:33,126 --> 00:38:35,295
Thank you so much to the Academy

832
00:38:35,378 --> 00:38:37,088
for this wonderful honor.

833
00:38:37,171 --> 00:38:40,008
Everybody that's at home right now that's suffering,

834
00:38:40,091 --> 00:38:42,427
I would like first to say that it is so important

835
00:38:42,510 --> 00:38:44,470
that you surround yourself with at least one person

836
00:38:44,554 --> 00:38:45,680
that validates you,

837
00:38:45,763 --> 00:38:46,848
and when I say "validates you,"

838
00:38:46,931 --> 00:38:49,100
that means somebody that believes you,

839
00:38:49,183 --> 00:38:50,602
that cares about you, and tells you

840
00:38:50,685 --> 00:38:52,687
that your pain matters

841
00:38:52,770 --> 00:38:54,189
and that it's real.

842
00:38:55,648 --> 00:38:56,858
Then I would say

843
00:38:56,941 --> 00:39:00,111
there is a way to regulate yourself.

844
00:39:01,696 --> 00:39:03,114
-Hi. -Hey.

845
00:39:03,198 --> 00:39:04,574
How are you?

846
00:39:04,657 --> 00:39:05,742
Hi. How are you?

847
00:39:05,825 --> 00:39:07,660
How are you feeling?

848
00:39:07,744 --> 00:39:09,204
If I focus,

849
00:39:09,287 --> 00:39:11,831
and I go, "Okay, I'm gonna wake up.

850
00:39:11,915 --> 00:39:15,335
I'm gonna do some therapy or grounding or gratitude

851
00:39:15,418 --> 00:39:17,587
and I'm gonna move my body and I'm gonna eat

852
00:39:17,670 --> 00:39:20,173
and I'm gonna do the things I know are healthy for me.

853
00:39:20,256 --> 00:39:22,050
I'm gonna play piano. I'm gonna sing a little bit.

854
00:39:22,133 --> 00:39:23,426
I'm gonna brush my teeth.

855
00:39:23,509 --> 00:39:25,136
I'm gonna make sure that I take a shower."

856
00:39:25,220 --> 00:39:27,222
Mindfully, everything.

857
00:39:27,305 --> 00:39:29,766
If I do enough of these skills in a row,

858
00:39:29,849 --> 00:39:31,476
if I just keep going and I go,

859
00:39:31,559 --> 00:39:34,395
"Stefani, be brave. You gotta be braver.

860
00:39:34,479 --> 00:39:37,232
It's brave to breathe. It's braver to keep going."

861
00:39:37,315 --> 00:39:39,067
And then I go and before I know it,

862
00:39:39,150 --> 00:39:42,237
I'm standing in my backyard and I--and I go,

863
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:45,657
"Okay. Okay, I'm back."

864
00:39:46,366 --> 00:39:50,286
I believe in eating throughout the day.

865
00:39:50,370 --> 00:39:53,373
I think it's really important, uh, for your brain.

866
00:39:53,456 --> 00:39:56,084
So I would-- I would consider this,

867
00:39:56,167 --> 00:39:58,253
um, a skill.

868
00:40:01,005 --> 00:40:02,340
Nutrition.

869
00:40:03,675 --> 00:40:06,636
Nutrition as I'm pouring more hot sauce on my broccoli.

870
00:40:07,804 --> 00:40:09,389
Is it still nutrition

871
00:40:09,472 --> 00:40:12,892
if your broccoli looks like this?

872
00:40:14,727 --> 00:40:17,105
I put hot sauce on everything.

873
00:40:17,188 --> 00:40:18,439
It's not normal.

874
00:40:19,607 --> 00:40:22,569
What's so interesting is the line that I walk.

875
00:40:22,652 --> 00:40:24,863
It's actually feeling like

876
00:40:24,946 --> 00:40:27,323
I wanna cut myself and feeling like I don't

877
00:40:27,407 --> 00:40:29,659
are actually real close together.

878
00:40:31,619 --> 00:40:33,746
Everybody thinks it's gotta be a straight line,

879
00:40:33,830 --> 00:40:37,458
that it's, like, just like, you know, every other virus,

880
00:40:37,542 --> 00:40:39,836
that you get sick and then you get cured, you know?

881
00:40:39,919 --> 00:40:42,672
It's not like that. It's just not like that.

882
00:40:42,755 --> 00:40:45,300
And actually, I think that traps people.

883
00:40:45,383 --> 00:40:48,803
It traps people because they get so frustrated.

884
00:40:48,887 --> 00:40:49,888
I did.

885
00:40:49,971 --> 00:40:50,889
You get frustrated with yourself.

886
00:40:50,972 --> 00:40:52,599
"Why am I not getting better?

887
00:40:52,682 --> 00:40:54,601
What's wrong with me?"

888
00:40:54,684 --> 00:40:58,438
And you know what? There's nothing wrong with you.

889
00:40:58,521 --> 00:41:01,858
But there is something that's not firing right.

890
00:41:01,941 --> 00:41:04,194
And that's something you gotta pay attention to,

891
00:41:04,277 --> 00:41:06,571
and also, it's not easy.

892
00:41:12,577 --> 00:41:15,830
This year has been an interesting year.

893
00:41:15,914 --> 00:41:18,249
Went through a divorce, went through losing my business,

894
00:41:18,333 --> 00:41:19,792
went through COVID.

895
00:41:21,544 --> 00:41:24,255
To go from sleeping on my aunt's couch

896
00:41:24,339 --> 00:41:27,008
and literally having to be homeless,

897
00:41:27,091 --> 00:41:28,676
you know, broke, no money,

898
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:30,762
to--to working my way back

899
00:41:30,845 --> 00:41:33,389
into now I got my own place now

900
00:41:33,473 --> 00:41:35,308
and I'm able to take care of myself again,

901
00:41:35,391 --> 00:41:37,352
it made me really, really grateful.

902
00:41:37,977 --> 00:41:39,812
I had to get back out here to Oakland

903
00:41:39,896 --> 00:41:41,814
because I had to get back to work.

904
00:41:41,898 --> 00:41:44,984
We're recruiting for about 750 people a week.

905
00:41:46,277 --> 00:41:48,196
Therapy has been kind of, like, difficult

906
00:41:48,279 --> 00:41:50,114
'cause at one point, I couldn't afford it.

907
00:41:50,198 --> 00:41:52,325
So I had to find different ways

908
00:41:52,408 --> 00:41:55,203
to still continue to heal,

909
00:41:55,286 --> 00:41:58,122
and helping in the Black Food Collective,

910
00:41:58,206 --> 00:41:59,666
helping these businesses,

911
00:41:59,749 --> 00:42:03,086
that was a really, really big part

912
00:42:03,169 --> 00:42:04,921
of my healing process.

913
00:42:06,172 --> 00:42:09,008
And unpacking all those boxes,

914
00:42:09,092 --> 00:42:12,262
that was a whole emotional roller coaster right there.

915
00:42:12,345 --> 00:42:16,599
I had to unpack a lot of stuff that I didn't wanna deal with.

916
00:42:16,683 --> 00:42:20,979
I went back home during the first part of quarantine.

917
00:42:21,062 --> 00:42:22,939
I didn't know how to communicate with my family

918
00:42:23,022 --> 00:42:24,232
and tell them, like,

919
00:42:24,315 --> 00:42:28,194
exactly how bad the depression and anxiety was

920
00:42:28,278 --> 00:42:30,572
because sometimes I can't find the words

921
00:42:30,655 --> 00:42:32,031
to--to say it.

922
00:42:32,115 --> 00:42:33,575
Like, I wanna say it,

923
00:42:33,658 --> 00:42:36,160
but I can't find the right words to--

924
00:42:36,244 --> 00:42:39,330
to where they can receive what I'm saying.

925
00:42:39,414 --> 00:42:41,499
But they did kind of

926
00:42:41,583 --> 00:42:44,836
force themselves into--into my bubble,

927
00:42:44,919 --> 00:42:46,754
which I'm glad they did that because sometimes,

928
00:42:46,838 --> 00:42:50,091
I can get so caught up in my own little world

929
00:42:50,174 --> 00:42:52,886
that I don't see outside of it.

930
00:43:00,351 --> 00:43:01,811
You wanna heat your oil up now?

931
00:43:01,895 --> 00:43:03,229
Wish you had some fried chicken grease.

932
00:43:03,313 --> 00:43:04,564
That how you're really supposed to do it.

933
00:43:04,647 --> 00:43:05,565
No.

934
00:43:05,648 --> 00:43:06,691
You ain't never had that before?

935
00:43:06,774 --> 00:43:07,984
See?

936
00:43:08,067 --> 00:43:10,111
-I don't know about that. -Slacking, slacking.

937
00:43:10,195 --> 00:43:12,030
-Really? -What'd you say?

938
00:43:12,113 --> 00:43:14,282
He just gotta teach me how to barbecue

939
00:43:14,365 --> 00:43:15,950
without getting smoke on me.

940
00:43:17,869 --> 00:43:19,162
Growing up,

941
00:43:19,245 --> 00:43:22,081
my mom and my dad were the only saving grace.

942
00:43:23,416 --> 00:43:25,126
My mom is the only one out of all her sisters

943
00:43:25,210 --> 00:43:26,669
that's still married.

944
00:43:26,753 --> 00:43:30,506
She went through some stuff that would've broke most people.

945
00:43:30,590 --> 00:43:31,799
Look at that.

946
00:43:31,883 --> 00:43:34,427
Yes, yes, yes.

947
00:43:34,510 --> 00:43:37,305
Rashad was sensitive and outgoing.

948
00:43:37,388 --> 00:43:39,307
He was always the leader.

949
00:43:39,390 --> 00:43:42,435
Even as a little kid, he was always leading the pack.

950
00:43:42,518 --> 00:43:45,688
Sometime, he gets a little quiet.

951
00:43:45,772 --> 00:43:47,815
Don't say too much.

952
00:43:47,899 --> 00:43:49,776
When he was little, younger coming up,

953
00:43:49,859 --> 00:43:51,611
I seen a little as a teenager,

954
00:43:51,694 --> 00:43:56,699
but it really, really came out after he got married.

955
00:43:56,783 --> 00:44:00,161
That's when I noticed that everything kicked in.

956
00:44:00,245 --> 00:44:01,746
And it was really bad.

957
00:44:01,829 --> 00:44:04,707
It was a dark time. It was a real dark time.

958
00:44:04,791 --> 00:44:07,460
No matter what he tried to put on or portray,

959
00:44:07,544 --> 00:44:09,254
because I know my son.

960
00:44:10,588 --> 00:44:13,633
He was suffering. He was suffering bad.

961
00:44:13,716 --> 00:44:17,679
It was like life had just went crazy.

962
00:44:17,762 --> 00:44:20,765
And it was so crazy to where it got me

963
00:44:20,848 --> 00:44:24,936
to where... I was, like, stuck.

964
00:44:25,019 --> 00:44:27,063
The anxiety would be there

965
00:44:27,146 --> 00:44:29,732
times ten every day,

966
00:44:29,816 --> 00:44:31,150
but I couldn't--

967
00:44:31,234 --> 00:44:33,778
I couldn't even just sit and let the attack happen.

968
00:44:33,862 --> 00:44:35,989
I had to keep on going while the attack was happening.

969
00:44:36,072 --> 00:44:38,783
I had to keep on going while the depression was happening.

970
00:44:38,867 --> 00:44:42,036
And sometimes, you just don't have the words

971
00:44:42,120 --> 00:44:45,290
or can find the correct words how to communicate correctly.

972
00:44:45,373 --> 00:44:46,666
Yes.

973
00:44:46,749 --> 00:44:50,003
When it was really in those bad, bad, bad moments,

974
00:44:50,086 --> 00:44:52,213
it was almost like I was in prison...

975
00:44:58,803 --> 00:45:00,430
...and I couldn't get out of it.

976
00:45:06,144 --> 00:45:08,479
And I felt that. I felt that.

977
00:45:08,563 --> 00:45:10,023
-Yeah, we felt that. -I felt that.

978
00:45:10,106 --> 00:45:11,649
We knew it.

979
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:15,778
And I could see, you know, it was getting a little rough.

980
00:45:16,529 --> 00:45:17,989
When he first started going through it,

981
00:45:18,072 --> 00:45:20,241
I wasn't there a lot.

982
00:45:20,325 --> 00:45:22,160
I--I would talk to him.

983
00:45:23,369 --> 00:45:25,830
But I didn't talk to him that much

984
00:45:25,914 --> 00:45:27,874
'cause I was trying to give him the space to let him know

985
00:45:27,957 --> 00:45:28,917
that we're okay and you need to--

986
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:30,543
you know, you're a man.

987
00:45:30,627 --> 00:45:31,920
You have to do what you have to do,

988
00:45:32,003 --> 00:45:34,214
so we gotta kinda back up.

989
00:45:34,297 --> 00:45:37,425
But I don't ever want y'all to feel like y'all are...

990
00:45:38,468 --> 00:45:41,262
Any move that y'all made

991
00:45:41,346 --> 00:45:43,806
was--was wrong, or y'all feel guilty about any of it

992
00:45:43,890 --> 00:45:44,891
'cause it...

993
00:45:46,517 --> 00:45:47,727
...it wasn't that.

994
00:45:47,810 --> 00:45:49,020
It wasn't y'all.

995
00:45:49,103 --> 00:45:51,314
It was everything else, everybody else around

996
00:45:51,397 --> 00:45:53,399
that was just coming in

997
00:45:53,483 --> 00:45:56,152
to just mess up everything.

998
00:45:57,111 --> 00:45:59,322
Getting caught into certain situations

999
00:45:59,405 --> 00:46:04,118
and not really recognizing you guys back in the days,

1000
00:46:04,202 --> 00:46:08,665
you know, not really realizing that a lot of that stuff...

1001
00:46:08,748 --> 00:46:12,043
it was--it made a big impact on you guys.

1002
00:46:12,126 --> 00:46:14,420
-Very big. -I know it did.

1003
00:46:15,838 --> 00:46:18,174
But, you know, we here for you now.

1004
00:46:19,342 --> 00:46:22,095
So, you know, I love you.

1005
00:46:22,178 --> 00:46:25,598
Whatever you go through, I'm here for you.

1006
00:46:30,144 --> 00:46:32,105
Families are an essential part of recovery

1007
00:46:32,188 --> 00:46:34,148
for most people,

1008
00:46:34,232 --> 00:46:36,234
and a loving family

1009
00:46:36,317 --> 00:46:39,779
who can learn and problem solve

1010
00:46:39,863 --> 00:46:42,657
is an indispensable resource.

1011
00:46:44,325 --> 00:46:47,161
But if you have a family that's open to learning

1012
00:46:47,245 --> 00:46:50,707
and open to not shaming you for a vulnerability,

1013
00:46:50,790 --> 00:46:54,043
but working alongside of you,

1014
00:46:54,127 --> 00:46:57,130
the outcomes you can get are quite remarkable.

1015
00:46:59,507 --> 00:47:00,550
It's not, "What's wrong?"

1016
00:47:00,633 --> 00:47:02,010
That's not the right question.

1017
00:47:02,093 --> 00:47:04,637
It is, "What's happened

1018
00:47:04,721 --> 00:47:08,558
to cause that person to have that kind of

1019
00:47:08,641 --> 00:47:10,894
persistent or consistent behavior?"

1020
00:47:10,977 --> 00:47:13,980
So that--that strap line, whatever you wanna call it...

1021
00:47:14,063 --> 00:47:16,107
-Yeah. -...is now embedded in my brain.

1022
00:47:16,191 --> 00:47:17,942
-What happened to you? -Whenever something happens.

1023
00:47:18,026 --> 00:47:20,236
Whenever--even when I'm on the receiving end

1024
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:23,114
of just hatred and vitriol,

1025
00:47:23,198 --> 00:47:25,700
I remem-- I remember that because...

1026
00:47:25,783 --> 00:47:27,035
-What happened to you? -What happened to you?

1027
00:47:27,118 --> 00:47:28,369
What happened to them?

1028
00:47:28,453 --> 00:47:31,581
Because "what happened to you" is not accusatory.

1029
00:47:31,664 --> 00:47:34,792
It's a, "Tell me. What--what happened?"

1030
00:47:34,876 --> 00:47:37,712
Instead of, "What's wrong with you?"

1031
00:47:37,795 --> 00:47:41,132
And I find that it applies to everybody.

1032
00:47:43,593 --> 00:47:46,804
The only thing that still to this day makes me cry

1033
00:47:46,888 --> 00:47:48,473
six decades into life

1034
00:47:48,556 --> 00:47:53,228
is the recognition when I first moved to Milwaukee

1035
00:47:53,311 --> 00:47:56,523
from Attala County, Mississippi,

1036
00:47:56,606 --> 00:48:00,652
and had never been away from my grandmother before.

1037
00:48:00,735 --> 00:48:03,321
And suddenly,

1038
00:48:03,404 --> 00:48:05,990
I'm just put in a car

1039
00:48:06,074 --> 00:48:09,118
and sent to Milwaukee and told that you--

1040
00:48:09,202 --> 00:48:10,912
you won't see your grandmother again.

1041
00:48:10,995 --> 00:48:13,498
And now you're gonna be living with your mother--

1042
00:48:13,581 --> 00:48:16,125
my mother whom I didn't even know, really.

1043
00:48:16,209 --> 00:48:18,711
And--'cause my mother was a part of that great migration

1044
00:48:18,795 --> 00:48:20,547
that had gone up north and left the--

1045
00:48:20,630 --> 00:48:22,590
left their children with the grandmothers.

1046
00:48:24,842 --> 00:48:28,304
My mother was a boarder in this middle class,

1047
00:48:28,388 --> 00:48:29,514
very light-skinned,

1048
00:48:29,597 --> 00:48:32,058
could pass for a white woman's house.

1049
00:48:32,141 --> 00:48:34,561
The first moment I walked in,

1050
00:48:34,644 --> 00:48:36,688
instantly, I knew

1051
00:48:36,771 --> 00:48:38,815
that she did not like me because the color of my skin.

1052
00:48:38,898 --> 00:48:41,943
And that very first night,

1053
00:48:42,026 --> 00:48:44,779
she wouldn't let me come in the house.

1054
00:48:44,863 --> 00:48:47,657
And there was a little porch foyer

1055
00:48:47,740 --> 00:48:49,909
that was exposed to the street,

1056
00:48:49,993 --> 00:48:52,745
and I had to sleep out there on a sofa.

1057
00:48:52,829 --> 00:48:55,498
And my mother...

1058
00:48:55,582 --> 00:48:57,375
who had another child--

1059
00:48:57,458 --> 00:49:00,086
it was the first time I met my half sister--

1060
00:49:00,169 --> 00:49:03,172
um, did not stand up for me, did not say,

1061
00:49:03,256 --> 00:49:05,925
"No, my child has to come in the house."

1062
00:49:06,009 --> 00:49:09,512
And in that instant that my mother said,

1063
00:49:09,596 --> 00:49:13,558
"Okay then, that's just where you're gonna sleep out here,"

1064
00:49:13,641 --> 00:49:16,686
I knew I was alone.

1065
00:49:16,769 --> 00:49:18,229
Today on The Oprah Winfrey Show,

1066
00:49:18,313 --> 00:49:20,732
we're gonna be reuniting people with their favorite teacher,

1067
00:49:20,815 --> 00:49:22,400
some who have not seen each other

1068
00:49:22,483 --> 00:49:24,402
for ten, 20, and even 30 years.

1069
00:49:24,485 --> 00:49:27,488
But first, I'd like to tell you about my favorite teacher.

1070
00:49:27,572 --> 00:49:29,240
You want me to start weeping?

1071
00:49:29,324 --> 00:49:31,075
It's my teachers that saved me.

1072
00:49:31,159 --> 00:49:33,703
Mary Duncan.

1073
00:49:33,786 --> 00:49:36,497
Mrs. Duncan!

1074
00:49:38,958 --> 00:49:40,293
Oh!

1075
00:49:42,086 --> 00:49:43,379
Oh!

1076
00:49:44,339 --> 00:49:46,257
Oh!

1077
00:49:46,341 --> 00:49:50,553
Well, if I had had a class full of students like Oprah,

1078
00:49:50,637 --> 00:49:53,139
I would've been floating on air.

1079
00:49:53,223 --> 00:49:56,434
For so many years in my life,

1080
00:49:56,517 --> 00:49:59,187
that's the only place I ever really felt loved.

1081
00:50:02,148 --> 00:50:04,484
And it's the reason why, for so many years,

1082
00:50:04,567 --> 00:50:07,153
I wanted to be a teacher,

1083
00:50:07,237 --> 00:50:10,114
to be able to give to other kids

1084
00:50:10,198 --> 00:50:11,741
what my teachers had given to me.

1085
00:50:11,824 --> 00:50:13,743
The reason why I love Mrs. Duncan so much

1086
00:50:13,826 --> 00:50:15,870
is because she brought out the best in me.

1087
00:50:15,954 --> 00:50:18,957
It was the year that I sort of knew that I could be somebody.

1088
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:21,751
I--she just made me feel important,

1089
00:50:21,834 --> 00:50:23,002
and I think all children

1090
00:50:23,086 --> 00:50:25,630
need to feel a sense of self-worth,

1091
00:50:25,713 --> 00:50:28,424
and I always, because of you,

1092
00:50:28,508 --> 00:50:30,176
felt like I could take on the world.

1093
00:50:30,260 --> 00:50:35,098
Because connection to anybody that cares about you

1094
00:50:35,181 --> 00:50:37,475
makes a world of difference.

1095
00:50:37,559 --> 00:50:39,394
For me, it was my teachers.

1096
00:50:39,477 --> 00:50:42,689
And that's why I know school is so important.

1097
00:50:42,772 --> 00:50:44,858
Education can't save you,

1098
00:50:44,941 --> 00:50:47,318
but it can relieve you,

1099
00:50:47,402 --> 00:50:51,406
and so for me, it was a big relief

1100
00:50:51,489 --> 00:50:55,827
and in creating, um...

1101
00:50:55,910 --> 00:50:59,956
value and worthiness where I felt none at home.

1102
00:51:00,039 --> 00:51:02,333
I felt none.

1103
00:51:02,417 --> 00:51:03,585
None.

1104
00:51:05,670 --> 00:51:08,298
I brought you all here today to tell you

1105
00:51:08,381 --> 00:51:10,133
that you will be a part

1106
00:51:10,216 --> 00:51:12,302
of the very first class of the Oprah Winfrey--

1107
00:51:16,347 --> 00:51:18,683
In 2007,

1108
00:51:18,766 --> 00:51:21,311
I opened the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy

1109
00:51:21,394 --> 00:51:23,187
in South Africa

1110
00:51:23,271 --> 00:51:28,109
for girls who had the will but not the means.

1111
00:51:30,486 --> 00:51:32,322
The first two classes of the school,

1112
00:51:32,405 --> 00:51:33,948
they were handpicked by me.

1113
00:51:34,032 --> 00:51:37,911
I went to villages and townships

1114
00:51:37,994 --> 00:51:42,457
choosing girls who had the fire inside them

1115
00:51:42,540 --> 00:51:44,709
to want to do better in their lives.

1116
00:51:44,792 --> 00:51:47,170
Ladies and gentlemen, the daughters

1117
00:51:47,253 --> 00:51:50,882
of the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls.

1118
00:51:50,965 --> 00:51:53,718
But on the very first week of school,

1119
00:51:53,801 --> 00:51:56,763
I was noticing strange behaviors

1120
00:51:56,846 --> 00:51:58,848
from some of the girls.

1121
00:51:58,932 --> 00:52:00,850
It was like, "What's wrong with these girls?

1122
00:52:00,934 --> 00:52:03,311
They can't concentrate. They can't focus."

1123
00:52:03,394 --> 00:52:06,898
So I call Dr. Bruce Perry,

1124
00:52:06,981 --> 00:52:08,525
and he said to me,

1125
00:52:08,608 --> 00:52:12,737
"Your kids have trauma.

1126
00:52:12,820 --> 00:52:16,449
They have been accustomed to such chaos

1127
00:52:16,533 --> 00:52:18,493
that the brain can't handle

1128
00:52:18,576 --> 00:52:23,081
to be in a space of calm and nurturing and support."

1129
00:52:24,457 --> 00:52:26,834
I didn't understand depression at the time.

1130
00:52:27,835 --> 00:52:30,922
We weren't prepared to deal with the trauma

1131
00:52:31,005 --> 00:52:34,592
or the mental illness,

1132
00:52:34,676 --> 00:52:36,678
the depression, the anxiety.

1133
00:52:41,808 --> 00:52:44,185
Every year I go back, and I teach a course called,

1134
00:52:44,269 --> 00:52:45,728
"Life 101."

1135
00:52:47,981 --> 00:52:50,608
I was using Michael Singer's book,

1136
00:52:50,692 --> 00:52:52,068
The Untethered Soul,

1137
00:52:52,151 --> 00:52:56,114
and he talks about the thorns that we all carry,

1138
00:52:56,197 --> 00:52:58,032
things that happened in your life

1139
00:52:58,116 --> 00:53:00,702
that got covered up, that got suppressed,

1140
00:53:00,785 --> 00:53:03,079
that you didn't address,

1141
00:53:03,162 --> 00:53:05,039
that cause you to get in situations

1142
00:53:05,123 --> 00:53:07,083
that you can't figure out how that happened.

1143
00:53:07,166 --> 00:53:10,086
It's just that the thorn got rubbed.

1144
00:53:10,169 --> 00:53:11,629
So what is the thorn

1145
00:53:11,713 --> 00:53:14,299
that needs to be pulled out for you?

1146
00:53:14,382 --> 00:53:16,467
The first girl said,

1147
00:53:16,551 --> 00:53:18,887
"My thorn is anger.

1148
00:53:18,970 --> 00:53:21,472
I have so much anger."

1149
00:53:22,348 --> 00:53:24,350
This is a class of 72 girls.

1150
00:53:24,434 --> 00:53:26,603
"I have so much anger."

1151
00:53:26,686 --> 00:53:30,398
She said, "Because when I was four years old,

1152
00:53:30,481 --> 00:53:32,150
I tried to tell my grandmother

1153
00:53:32,233 --> 00:53:36,029
that my uncle was messing with me,

1154
00:53:36,112 --> 00:53:38,489
and she said, 'Girl, what are you talking about?

1155
00:53:38,573 --> 00:53:39,991
He's your uncle.'

1156
00:53:40,074 --> 00:53:41,784
She ignored me,

1157
00:53:41,868 --> 00:53:43,995
and when I was seven, my uncle raped me."

1158
00:53:45,663 --> 00:53:47,957
And she said,

1159
00:53:48,041 --> 00:53:49,167
um...

1160
00:53:53,004 --> 00:53:56,799
"Every time I go home...

1161
00:53:56,883 --> 00:54:00,803
I have to still be with that uncle.

1162
00:54:00,887 --> 00:54:05,308
And my grandmother knows.

1163
00:54:05,391 --> 00:54:07,727
And there's nothing I can do about it.

1164
00:54:07,810 --> 00:54:10,355
And I am so angry."

1165
00:54:12,148 --> 00:54:15,235
There's silence because nobody can believe

1166
00:54:15,318 --> 00:54:17,737
she's actually said it out loud.

1167
00:54:18,988 --> 00:54:20,156
I said, "Well,

1168
00:54:20,240 --> 00:54:22,909
you're not the only girl who has that story.

1169
00:54:22,992 --> 00:54:26,746
I can bet you you're not the only girl who has that story.

1170
00:54:26,829 --> 00:54:30,542
And I would like any other girl in this room...

1171
00:54:34,254 --> 00:54:36,589
...who has that story to stand up.

1172
00:54:39,133 --> 00:54:41,803
And I want you to stand up for her.

1173
00:54:41,886 --> 00:54:44,013
And in standing up for her, you stand up for yourself

1174
00:54:44,097 --> 00:54:46,224
because her grandmother did not stand up for her.

1175
00:54:46,307 --> 00:54:47,850
Who will stand for her?

1176
00:54:47,934 --> 00:54:49,561
But I only want you to stand

1177
00:54:49,644 --> 00:54:52,021
if you know what she's talking about

1178
00:54:52,105 --> 00:54:54,691
and you have a similar story."

1179
00:54:54,774 --> 00:54:57,944
In this classroom of 20--

1180
00:54:58,027 --> 00:55:01,281
of 72 girls, 24 girls stood up.

1181
00:55:05,410 --> 00:55:09,706
At 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 years old,

1182
00:55:09,789 --> 00:55:13,501
I was raped by my 19-year-old cousin.

1183
00:55:15,628 --> 00:55:18,423
I didn't know what rape was.

1184
00:55:18,506 --> 00:55:21,050
Certainly wasn't aware of the word.

1185
00:55:21,134 --> 00:55:23,177
I had no idea what sex was.

1186
00:55:23,261 --> 00:55:24,512
I had no--I had no idea--

1187
00:55:24,596 --> 00:55:26,514
I had no idea where babies came from.

1188
00:55:26,598 --> 00:55:28,641
I didn't even know what was happening to me.

1189
00:55:31,728 --> 00:55:33,146
And I kept that secret.

1190
00:55:38,818 --> 00:55:40,320
And...

1191
00:55:44,073 --> 00:55:46,075
...it's just something I accepted.

1192
00:55:49,287 --> 00:55:52,207
That a girl child ain't safe...

1193
00:55:56,544 --> 00:55:58,671
...in a world full of men.

1194
00:56:02,675 --> 00:56:05,803
You don't get through developmental trauma

1195
00:56:05,887 --> 00:56:07,513
unscathed.

1196
00:56:07,597 --> 00:56:11,476
You can get through and find your way,

1197
00:56:11,559 --> 00:56:12,894
but along the way,

1198
00:56:12,977 --> 00:56:14,437
there's definitely going to be pain

1199
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:18,107
and there'll be scars and there'll be challenges.

1200
00:56:18,191 --> 00:56:20,026
And I think that this is a really important thing

1201
00:56:20,109 --> 00:56:22,403
for people to understand, that everybody

1202
00:56:22,487 --> 00:56:24,405
is carrying around something.

1203
00:56:24,489 --> 00:56:28,576
Everybody has a burden. We just don't know what it is.

1204
00:56:29,285 --> 00:56:30,578
And that's why it's so important

1205
00:56:30,662 --> 00:56:31,871
when you do any kind of mental health work

1206
00:56:31,955 --> 00:56:34,624
to get to know somebody's story.

1207
00:56:35,750 --> 00:56:37,377
The telling of a story,

1208
00:56:37,460 --> 00:56:40,004
the being able to say out loud,

1209
00:56:40,088 --> 00:56:42,674
"This is what happened to me,"

1210
00:56:42,757 --> 00:56:44,425
is crucial.

1211
00:56:45,635 --> 00:56:50,056
I don't tell this story for my own self-service,

1212
00:56:50,139 --> 00:56:53,059
'cause to be honest, it's hard to tell.

1213
00:56:53,142 --> 00:56:55,270
I feel a lot of shame about it.

1214
00:56:56,271 --> 00:56:58,815
How do I explain to people that I have privilege,

1215
00:56:58,898 --> 00:57:01,025
I've got money, I've got power,

1216
00:57:01,109 --> 00:57:02,652
and I'm miserable?

1217
00:57:02,735 --> 00:57:05,154
Like, what-- how do you do that?

1218
00:57:05,238 --> 00:57:06,614
What I really care about

1219
00:57:06,698 --> 00:57:08,366
is I'm not here to tell my story to you

1220
00:57:08,449 --> 00:57:10,034
because I want anybody to cry for me.

1221
00:57:10,118 --> 00:57:12,704
I'm good...

1222
00:57:12,787 --> 00:57:15,498
but open your heart up for somebody else,

1223
00:57:15,582 --> 00:57:16,875
because I'm telling you,

1224
00:57:16,958 --> 00:57:18,585
I've been through it, and people need help.

1225
00:57:20,920 --> 00:57:23,882
So that's part of my healing,

1226
00:57:23,965 --> 00:57:25,675
is being able to talk to you.

1227
00:57:32,181 --> 00:57:35,435
I'm not afraid anymore...

1228
00:57:35,518 --> 00:57:37,937
because I'm not afraid to say,

1229
00:57:38,021 --> 00:57:40,190
"Yeah, I do got depression.

1230
00:57:40,273 --> 00:57:42,734
Yeah, I do got anxiety.

1231
00:57:42,817 --> 00:57:44,068
And I do have those moments

1232
00:57:44,152 --> 00:57:46,988
where I don't feel like doing nothing.

1233
00:57:47,071 --> 00:57:48,865
And I do have those moments where I get angry

1234
00:57:48,948 --> 00:57:50,950
and I get sad and I get overly emotional.

1235
00:57:51,034 --> 00:57:53,369
I got all of that.

1236
00:57:53,453 --> 00:57:56,873
That's all me right there. I feel every last bit of that.

1237
00:57:56,956 --> 00:57:59,834
But guess what. I'm glad I felt that."

1238
00:58:00,501 --> 00:58:04,130
I think people that acknowledge their mental health struggles,

1239
00:58:04,214 --> 00:58:06,591
they're really like superheroes.

1240
00:58:06,674 --> 00:58:09,219
If you've been through something,

1241
00:58:09,302 --> 00:58:11,137
that doesn't mean that your kids

1242
00:58:11,221 --> 00:58:12,555
or that everybody else has to go through

1243
00:58:12,639 --> 00:58:13,848
the same thing that you've been through.

1244
00:58:13,932 --> 00:58:15,516
Whoa!

1245
00:58:15,600 --> 00:58:17,268
I know that it's my responsibility

1246
00:58:17,352 --> 00:58:19,854
and my duty to break that cycle.