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Okay,
let's get this straight.
I don't want to hear another word of this Y2K nonsense.
Phones going dead, electricity cut-off,
banks collapsing, or even planes falling out of the sky.
The end of the world is not coming!
The numbers in our calendar will change, yes,
all four at once,
but they're only numbers!
Mankind has been through this before.
At eight o'clock,
a lot of very important people will dine at our tables.
The mood in which they leave in the morning
will impact the lives of millions of ordinary people.
Our duty is to make sure that no one's ass gets sore
from sitting on too hard a chair,
that they all stuff themselves with caviar to their heart's content,
that bubbles of champagne will gush from their noses and ears.
Is that clear?
- Trying to make a point, Tonino? - No.
I mean, yes.
Couldn't agree more, boss.
I expect nothing more from you all than our usual...
politeness, precision, and perfection.
Five, four, three, two, one...
Twelve hours left.
Let's get to work everybody! Let's get to work!
Too salty.
Pour it out!
Slowly, slowly, be careful, be careful.
Push it back...
Push it back more, this side.
Push this side back more, it's stuck.
Stop, stop, stop.
Step away, step away.
Wow. What a night.
What a night!
May I help you, sir?
- My room key. - What would be the room number?
I don't remember, look it up on your thing.
Faraday, Simon Faraday.
I'm sorry, sir, according to my files you're not staying with us.
Would you tell your files we've been staying at the Grand Bellevue
at Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, for 15 years!
My compliments, then you should probably go there.
- Where? - The Grand Bellevue.
A short walk down the road.
Hasn't moved an inch since 1912.
Sir!
Tonino!
- Yes, sir? - Can't they see it's not centered?
- I'll take care of it immediately, sir. - It's not a chair you can move around.
- It's heavy. - Sorry.
- Good morning, Mr. Minetti. - Good morning.
- Slept well? - Like a baby.
Our boys will be happy to carry those to the ski room.
Oh, no! My Scott-Pros? No, thanks.
I've had these babies stolen from me once.
Not here, Mr. Minetti, we can take care of your babies.
Do you know how long it takes to import them from Idaho?
I'd rather keep them under my bed.
Did you see him?
- Bongo! - Bongo?
Bongo! He's a big star.
- Really? What was he in? - He's done hundreds of movies.
"Sex Odyssey", "Sperminator",
"Pulp Friction"... The list is just endless.
Such a beast without a muzzle!
I'm sorry, sir.
C'mon, little boy.
Get up here now.
C'mon, Mr. Toby, shit!
We don't have all day.
Is Bongo your real name?
An artistic pseudonym.
I knew it.
- My mother told me all about you. - Ashley, God!
Good thing it wasn't your grandma.
Do you still work?
In private.
- No more movies? - Ashley, come.
I'm retired now.
Hi, darling!
How are you?
My God, time stays still for you.
And you, getting younger every year.
Come on.
Seriozh, take everything to the suite.
- Let's go. - Holy shit! Holy shit!
What the hell is going on?
All right.
- I asked for champagne. - Hi.
How about a safe? Do you have a safe safe here?
Absolutely, this way, follow me.
Please.
You want to fit a suitcase in one of these?
You can put the content into several safes or...
All of them?
I'll get the manager.
What the hell do you mean you can't find my reservation? Are you a retard?
It's that...
Mr. Crush!
So nice to see you back with us, what seems to be the problem?
This imbecile is trying to convince me I don't have a reservation.
I am so sorry, there must be some sort of error.
- Maybe you forgot to reserve? - I don't make my own travel plans.
I have two competent assistants and they made them twice.
Once would be enough, if it got through to us.
You're telling me the people that work for me are lying?
Certainly not, Mr. Crush, let me assure you, no need to worry.
- We'll do our best to find a solution. - Find a solution?
Sorry, but the Russians need a bigger safe.
- If you'll excuse me... - No, you're not going anywhere.
Get me into my suite first, then you do what you gotta do.
My colleague is already working on it and I'll be back right away.
This is un-fucking-believable!
This whole place is turning to shit.
- Do you like chocolate? - What?
- Chocolate. - Chocolate?
Good morning, my name is Hansueli Kopf, I'm the hotel manager.
I hear you need some help.
We have fragile luggage that we would like to place in a safe.
Yes.
During World War II, the Swiss central bank
stored its reserves here.
Perfectly secure as you can see.
...See?
We'll change the bulb right away.
- Nobody has been down here in a while. - Don't bother, Mr. Kompf.
- Just give me the key. - That's absolutely out of the question.
- Why? - Because...
- It's the hotel policy. - Change the policy.
All I want to do is drink!
214
Girls...
- 210 and 209 - Connected?
As you requested.
The bodyguards' room is just opposite.
We put in two rollaways, I hope it won't be too cramped.
- Sorry for the inconvenience. - Don't worry.
Why are you making faces? You can cuddle at night.
Thank you, sir.
Mr. Tell, just trust me, okay? I know this stuff inside out.
Y2K hits, no one's gonna have a clue.
Not for a long time, not for a very long time.
No, I don't think that's a very good idea.
Why won't we do this? Why don't we meet in my suite and...
I'll walk you through the details.
- Twelve-thirty? - Sir, your room is ready.
- What's the number please? - 707.
Great.
Okay, twelve-thirty sharp.
All right, Mr. Tell, I'll see you then.
Suite 707.
Here's your room, sir.
- Get that asshole manager up here! - Yes, sir, right away, sir.
Leave that, leave that right there.
Get out.
Whoever draws the short stick
sleeps on a cot.
Damn, I can't even fit on that.
Pick one.
Dear Russians,
today,
on the last day
of the outgoing century,
I am retiring.
I have made a decision.
Today, I am addressing you
for the last time as Russian president.
Is your TV working?
What the heck?
May I turn it on?
Help yourself.
Can't get porn in your room?
In accordance with the constitution,
as I'm retiring,
I have signed a decree
entrusting the duties of the president of Russia
to Prime Minister.
Vladimir Vladimirovic Putin.
For the next three months
he will be the head of state.
Are you out of your mind? Can you see me sleeping in this fucking broom closet?
Or can you see me trying to take a piss in this dollhouse toilet of yours?
I know Mr. Crush, this is the worst room in the hotel, I absolutely agree.
But we don't have anything else.
I'm here to offer you a complimentary bottle of champagne with our apologies.
Know what you can do with that champagne?
Would you like some chocolates?
Listen...
I want you to listen, I want you to listen carefully.
I make one phone call, one phone call,
before you change your shirt, and I'm gonna own your fucking hotel.
Anything else?
Wait, woah, woah, I like that.
I like that a lot... You know what? I'll take it.
No, Mr. Crush, this suite is taken.
The guest is downstairs, signing autographs.
Get the fuck out of my room.
Has everybody in this hotel gone insane?
Othmar! Are we serving penguin now?
- Penguin? - Yes.
Maybe with a little garlic and tarragon
we could sell it as shark fin.
No, Mr. Kopf, this came for...
Arthur Duncan Dallas "III".
Is not "III", it's "the Third"
Arthur Duncan Dallas the Third.
To be delivered to his suite.
- To his suite? - Yes.
Tonino?
Yes, boss?
Do you know anything about a penguin for Dallas Duncan the Third?
A stuffed penguin?
No, live penguin!
You wait here and you watch this thing.
Now we're babysitting a penguin.
These wealthy people...
They'll lose everything at midnight.
Morning Arthur, here's your masterpiece, all typed up and looking good.
This must be a complete surprise.
All we need now is people to join in the chorus.
Come on in.
Hansueli! Perfect timing.
- Come on in, come on in. - Good morning, Mr. Dallas...
- I'm so sorry to... - I know things are insane today...
I'm afraid I'll need to borrow some of your most talented personnel.
- I won't keep them long. - Well, yes, but...
- I'm here to talk about the penguin. - He's here?
Oh, great! He's key to this whole wedding anniversary.
You know, Mr. Dallas, we don't have much experience with wild animals.
He's the gentlest creature in heaven!
He's the mascot of my marriage.
You see, one year ago today my wife and I
were married at San Pietro di...
- Positano. - Positano.
A hotel as charming as your own.
They had a penguin.
It was most extraordinary thing.
And my wife would feed him out of her hand, every day at the table.
It became a symbol of our happiness.
- I'm beginning to understand. - Well, I've written some words
to the tune of "Happy Birthday".
Can you get us some decent voices to sing this with us?
- To the penguin? - To my wife.
Of course.
With pleasure.
- I'll take care of it immediately. - Good, good, good.
An amazing paillette dress.
It's him! It's him!
He's here!
Good morning, Dr. Lima, caipirinha?
Hello, Luigi, you know I'm hooked on your caipirinhas.
- It'll make the end of the world better. - The end of the world?
- Y2K! Doomsday! - You can't believe in this nonsense!
Of course I do, I'm ready for anything.
I took all my savings out of the bank.
You don't understand, he's so important
Dr. Lima!
I don't want to disturb you, but I'm so happy to see you.
You remember me?
Gloria, Gloria Robinson.
You did me a few years back.
Yes, yes, of course.
My lips.
Your mouth, of course.
And your nose, too, right?
Just a touch.
"The Lima touch", they call it.
May I introduce my dear friend, Alice?
I'm so happy to meet you, Dr. Lima.
I've been waiting so long for this opportunity.
What a golden opportunity!
- It's a pleasure. - Could you give Alice an appointment?
Well, I'm actually on vacation.
- Please! - Alice has a problem with her breasts.
She had a procedure a little while ago,
and they botched it.
Yeah.
What's the problem?
Symmetry.
Are we even allowed to do this under union rules?
Mr. Dallas is very rich, maybe we'll get a big tip.
You know why the rich are rich? Because they don't tip.
Puff!
Puff, where are you? Puffball, your princess is awake.
To Magnolia from me.
Yes, it's from Dallas Three.
For our endless happiness
blooms a Magnolia tree.
Happy bride and bridegroom.
Here in our humble room.
My most precious entity
is my Magnolia bloom.
Yeah!
My darling!
Next year will be even better.
Oh, my God!
Is he really for me?
- He's all yours. - What a cutie!
Come here, baby.
Come on.
- Why won't he come out? - Pussy, pussy, pussy...
Pussy, pussy?
Does anyone know how to wrangle a penguin?
I wouldn't touch that fucker with a beanpole.
- Maybe lure him with food? - He likes fish.
That one looks tasty.
Don't touch the fish! Please, don't touch the fish!
- Call the room service. - Order him some salmon.
Not smoked, fresh.
Precy!
Come, quickly!
- Madam? - Madam?
Slap her.
You slap her.
What does she feed it to make it stink like that?
Caviar.
She feeds her dog caviar.
It's not good for dogs?
People in India are starving to death and she feeds her dog caviar!
You don't understand, you can't.
You can't comprehend the pain of having a suffering dog.
You understand nothing.
Please, Marquise, calm down.
For Mr. Toby's sake, we'll find a solution.
I fear the worst, how soon can you get a veterinarian?
That may not be so easy, Marquise, it's New Year's Eve.
Money is no object with love.
She's hysterical, something's wrong with that rat of hers.
I hate that dog, call the veterinarian.
I did, he's in Kenya on a safari.
- Then call the one in Hinterboden. - He's in labor.
- He is in what? - A cow is in labor.
Difficult delivery, he's doing a C-section.
- So what am I to do? - You know how to deal with her.
He's had a problem doing his business in the snow since he was a baby.
- You know that. - Yes.
- He can only do it on grass. - Let me remind you
we're in the Alps and it's winter.
Look, he's shaking all over.
A doctor should examine him immediately, every second counts.
- Yes, but unfortunately... - I know!
Dr. Lima!
But Dr. Lima is a plastic surgeon.
But he has a medical degree.
Yes, but...
He adores dogs.
He has two Saint Bernards, he showed me pictures.
Yes, but he would certainly call a vet for his dogs
Dr. Lima takes care of his wife so generously.
Alzheimer's in a family is a terrible tragedy.
- Yes, of course. - I'm sure he will help Mr. Toby.
Please, connect me to Dr. Lima's room.
Hello?
I need to speak to Dr. Lima.
Sorry, I don't know any Dr. Lima.
Sorry, I'm here, my wife is joking, of course.
Good morning, Marquise.
Not at all, happy to hear from you.
Forgive me,
I've been exclusively treating humans.
No, I guess it won't hurt to have a look.
Dear Russians,
dear fellow citizens,
I have been asked to become the head of state.
There will be no interruption of power
not even for a minute in this country.
Freedom of expression, freedom of speech,
freedom of conscience...
Yelstin was drunk.
He will wake up tomorrow and think he's still president.
The armed forces
are working the same as before.
Our State is intact and will remain intact,
and continues working for the safety of each citizen.
When deciding to step down...
What is his problem exactly?
He won't do it in the snow.
He made that painfully obvious to me.
He's never acted like this before.
I guess there's no other way to put it...
He crapped on my bed, voilà.
I see.
Does he sense something?
What would he sense?
Y2K...
The end of the world, of course.
Animals have an instinct
often stronger than ours, an insight.
Marquise...
You can't really believe in this twaddle.
I feel we're on the edge of a precipice,
with all my heart.
You see,
Y2K, the end of the world,
what else?
I have to examine his stool.
What did you do with the excrement?
- What? - From the Marquise.
- Laundry room. - With the regular bedding?
What were we supposed to do, put it in the dishwasher?
Find it, right away.
Zula, really? No respect for the Marquise's poo!
Found it!
I feel like Cinderella.
Except we'll never go to the fucking ball.
At least not tonight.
Oh, my God!
Thanks.
Will there be anything else?
No, thanks so much, Mrs. Frautschi.
At your service, madam.
Madam, can I help you?
Can I take your suitcase? I'll take this for you.
May I help you, sir?
We travel here for Mr. Crush, to see him in this hotel.
- You have an appointment with Mr. Crush? - No, making surprise.
He is here, yes?
Sorry, the hotel doesn't give out that kind of information regarding guests.
Would you like to leave a message?
I am his son.
I will notify Mr. Crush of your arrival.
Welcome to the Hammam Experience!
I'm Baba Paramahansa Ravi.
I will be taking care of you personally.
Please, follow me.
You will start with our famous foot ritual in the Infinity Room.
I'm ticklish, though, just so you know.
- There's no answer. - There is no answer in his room.
- Yeah?
You can wait in the lobby, if you want.
- Lobby. - Lobby.
Yeah, lobby.
Good morning and welcome to the Palace hotel.
Please, allow us to take care of your coats and the luggage.
Yes?
So, my name is Hansueli Kopf and I'm the manager.
Why don't you have something to eat?
On the house, smoked salmon, caviar...
Some oysters perhaps?
Something to eat?
Soup?
- Where are you arriving from? - Ceské Budejovice.
- Is it a long way? - Very long.
Changing trains, Vienna and Zurich...
- You have soup? - Yes, a lot of soup.
Girls are cold.
I'll bring some broth to warm them up.
Put some dumplings in.
What's your diagnosis, Dr. Lima?
I beg you, be absolutely honest, I'm ready for anything.
I'm not a veterinarian,
but I'm certain Mr. Toby has worms.
- Is that bad? - Don't worry.
It's common among dogs, mine had them too.
I will prescribe medicine for the parasites
to give Mr. Toby right away.
- But he's not going to die? - Of course not.
Thank God!
However, there's a little problem.
I'm afraid you may share...
this affliction.
I have worms?
Maybe, yes.
Worms inside my body?
I'll be sure when I've seen...
your stool sample.
My what?
Your stool.
Puff! Puff, look!
- What? - We're on the front cover again.
Why do you have to get so carried away, Puff?
- I didn't even have time to dry my hair. - Hyenas!
Scumbucket hacks!
All they ever write about day after day
is how much...
you're going to inherit from me...
come tomorrow.
Don't get so upset, Puff, your blood pressure.
Honey, you already took one.
And without water?
That's better.
Here he comes.
- Go and tell him. - Me?
Yeah, it might be easier to hear it from you.
Could I have a bottle of Bollinger and two glasses?
Would you like anything else?
- Yes, a couple of hot super models. - Not on the menu, sir.
Sir.
- Your son is here. - What?
Your son is here.
A son? I don't have a son.
At last!
Give me a hug!
- Who the hell are you? - It's me, I'm your son, Vaclav!
Listen to me, asshole.
Stay the fuck away or I'll call security.
Dad, we came all the way to see you from Ceské Budejovice.
"Budejoic", what? "Bude"...
- So you can meet your family. - My family? I don't have a family.
These are your granddaughters, Ivanka and Jaromira.
Listen, I don't know you, okay? So scram...
They are twins.
We used artificial insemination.
Dad...
I write so many letters to you, remember? I even sent you wooden squirrel.
- So cute, right? - Get the fuck out of my face, you clown.
Incredible! How can he be so inhuman?
I am the fruit of your college love.
When you were in Prague for two days... This is mama back then.
Take one more step, I'm gonna bust your fucking nose wide open, hear me?
You gave her a keychain that said "Chevrolet".
I've never been to Prague, I don't even know where Prague is.
You, sir, are heartless.
- And on a day like this? - Do you have a light, sweetheart?
Please, please, please.
This must be settled calmly, in private, please, there are other guests.
Your papa is nervous, this must be a shock for him.
You must give him some time, don't worry.
A penguin! A penguin! A penguin!
- Tonino? - Yes, boss?
Mr. Dallas's mascot is wandering around outside The Gringo.
Get it out of here immediately.
Come on, it's just a penguin, come, come.
Come.
So, here...
You will be comfortable here for now.
At the moment it's peaceful, and then we will see.
Oh, my god.
Can I help you, sir?
- Good afternoon, sir. - Caspar Tell.
I have an appointment with Mr. Crush, in the lobby bar
- Mr. Crush. - I don't know Mr. Crush personally.
- Perhaps someone could lead me to him? - Certainly.
Mr. Crush in the lobby.
Follow him.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
As I was saying, Marco called...
Thank you.
Mr. Crush?
- Mr. Tell! Take a load off, have a seat. - Yeah, yes.
I was afraid I might not recognize you from your photos.
From my photos?
Well, I pride myself on being thorough.
The bank always runs a thorough background check on prospective clients.
Yeah, well, that's good to know.
I mean, background checks are... I'd expect nothing less, believe me.
I know you gotta run back to your office, but...
today is a very special day.
A drop of champagne with me?
Yes, please.
Thank you.
There we go.
I shouldn't...
- Prost! - Prost.
I'm very grateful for the invitation, Mr. Crush.
I was here once, when I was seven.
My whole first grade class came and we met Father Christmas.
I always wanted to come back again.
Did you bring that little thing we've discussed?
Well, that's the thing, Mr. Crush.
I ran another check on your portfolio right after we spoke this morning.
The numbers don't entirely add up.
You see? There seems to be a difference of three zeros.
- Three zeros. - Caspar, listen to me.
Computers worldwide are about to crash because of a "difference of zeros".
They gonna read 2000 as zeros, only zeros, zeros here, zeros there...
The whole world is going to be zeros, so an extra zero or two, who'll notice?
Me, it's my job to notice those things.
- I've been a bank auditor for 31 years. - Exactly!
Now, by this time tomorrow,
we'll be two of the richest men on the planet, all right?
Should we drink to that? Prost!
Prost!
You know what?
The walls have ears in here, why don't we...
go out on the terrace?
In people's minds, New Year is one precise moment, okay?
The stroke of midnight, that's fine, but midnight where?
In Tokyo? In Hawaii? Right here?
New Year's is a bust out twenty-four fucking hours, Caspar.
So listen to me, you do your part and this afternoon the rest is easy.
The funds get wired to London, then to New York, LA, Honolulu...
each time reaching its destination earlier than it was sent.
Well, I suppose, if the credit was logged prior to the debit,
assuming the amount clears before...
We're traveling back in time, Caspar.
Like a science fiction thriller.
Alright? We put this tired old century in suspended animation.
Alright? And then boom!
2000 hits, bang! Hits again, hits again.
The whole system resets, okay?
Thank you, Y2K, cha-ching brother!
Cha-ching.
Who are you?
I am a plumber, Mr. Kopf ordered me.
To do what?
I put grass in your toilet.
A truly magnificent idea, Hansueli.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Would you like something to drink?
Monsieur?
- Yes? - Would you like something to drink?
No.
Mr. Minetti!
Ski room.
Please, come in, come.
Goddamn snowboarders!
Oh my God, take off the boots!
Bring some ice from the bar, hurry! Please, have a seat.
Come here, here! Pull off, some ice is coming.
What happened?
Snowboarders!
Mr. Minetti needs a doctor right away.
A doctor? Why?
Thank you very much.
- Thank you, madam. - What is your name?
Karol.
- Czech? - Polish, like Pope.
- Pope? - Yes.
- Dog likes play, yes? - I beg your pardon?
Nice dog you have.
But... where did he find that?
That's not mine.
Hotels! You never know who slept in your room the night before.
- Yes. - Toby!
Put it down!
Okay, I go.
I better go now, okay?
Happy New Year, Karol.
To you too, madam, Happy New Year.
Is there a special party for the staff downstairs?
No, just work, all night.
And what if the drain in my bathroom clogged up at, say...
four in the morning?
- I would be there. - Then be.
Dr. Lima, are you acquainted with our favorite artist, Mr. Minetti?
- Yes, we met briefly at the bar. - Darling, boy, how I missed you!
Come with me, darling.
Let's have a rest.
Didn't I see you on television, dear?
Have a seat, let me get a drink.
I can't, I have so much going on downstairs.
C'mon, not even a little one?
Okay.
- Maybe I deserve a little one. - Of course you do.
Here we go, to the year 2000!
- Cheers! - Cheers!
So, I will have to wear a bandage at the big party tonight?
We'll have to put something on it.
You'll look like this actor from the movie, with a bandage on the nose.
What was the name of the movie?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. - Boss?
- Speak. - There's a problem in the kitchen.
- Of course there is, coming. - One for the road?
Yes, a quick one.
And maybe you should have another one, a double.
- A double? - Bye bye.
Bye!
So let's get it over with.
You must've played a doctor more than once, right?
Never.
Such a cliche.
Do you write your own film scripts?
I do sometimes.
I used to be a producer.
This bit won't hurt.
I just need to measure the bone displacement.
Relax, think of something pleasant.
- Maybe your next film project? - Nothing in the making.
I'll warn you before I do anything.
Did you know that bats have a bone in their penis?
- Really? - In your line of work, it could prove...
invaluable.
It's so dark in here, Puff, I thought you liked looking at me.
How beautiful!
The Big Dipper!
Come on, darling.
I have a star from the heaven...
just for you.
The world's most precious necklace
for my most precious princess.
Turn around.
Put your hair up.
Do I get my blowjob or what?
Testing, one, two, three...
Enjoying the oysters?
Yeah, I enjoy, my wife also.
The disco will open soon, but I have a quiet place for you for a while.
And then we will see again, I guess.
You are very kind, Mr. Hansueli Kopf.
As I told you...
Come in, come in.
Sit, sit, the children's program ends soon,
but you can rest here and then we will find a better place.
- They like it here. - Yes, I thought so.
- I have twin girls myself. - Really?
- Yes. - How old?
Grown up.
Can I do anything else for you?
I would very much like to call my mama, tell her we are good.
No problem, you can use my phone.
Thank you, I will be very quick.
No, take as much time as you need.
Thank you.
Mommy, it's me Vaclav!
We're in the same hotel as daddy.
He sends his greetings.
He remembers the Chevrolet keychain.
He looks just like me.
Only he's orange, because of the sun
in California.
He may come to Budejovice.
Wouldn't that be great?
I'll call you back
when I'm with him again.
Bye bye, kisses.
- Thank you, Mr. Kopf. - Yeah.
- Enjoy. - Thank you.
Puff?
Puff, you are okay?
Puff?
Honey, what's the matter?
Arthur!
Arthur, answer me!
Oh, my God!
Okay.
Okay, don't...
Don't panic.
Don't panic, don't panic.
God, Magnolia, think.
Concierge.
- Hello, this is Mrs. Dallas. - What can I do for you?
- May I speak to Mr. Kopf? - Could I have him call you back?
- No, I'll hold on. - It might take a few minutes.
No, that's all right, I'm not going anywhere.
Mrs. Frautschi.
Oh, my God! What happened here?
A guest tried to flush his banking history down the toilet.
- His banking history? - More Y2K madness.
Mrs. Frautschi, do you know about this Czech family?
You made sure the whole hotel knows about them.
You have to find a place for them to sleep
Mr. Kopf, on a day like this?
- I can't perform miracles. - I know.
But just put four mattresses in a quiet corner, would you? Please.
- Boss? - Yes, speak.
Mrs. Dallas is asking for you.
I'm coming.
Who is it?
It's me, madam, Hansueli Kopf.
- Are you alone? - Yes.
Come in, I'm in the bedroom.
Come closer, please.
Good evening, what can I do for you?
Arthur told me you're someone who can be trusted.
- Can I trust you? - Of course you can trust me.
- You promise? - Absolutely.
I'm in a terrible predicament.
You're the only person who can help me, I guess.
My darling husband is gone.
Oh, God, he left you? He's gone on your wedding anniversary?
No, no, he's gone... forever.
Just as our happiness was reaching a climax.
At least I think so, anyway...
Now, he's definitely gone.
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! This...
This is... this is... this is terrible.
- Is he... how did he... Is he dead? - The worst part is...
I can't seem to part with him.
Of course, of course, I'm so sorry.
I can imagine how you feel...
No, no, that's not what I'm getting at.
Back in Texas, they'd say my husband died in the saddle and...
I can't seem to dismount.
Oh, God! Oh, God! I'll call the ambulance right away.
No, no, no! Just get me off, please.
Please...
Okay, very well.
Just give me a moment, I...
absolutely understand the situation, and I'll be back right away.
Okay.
Really?
Thank you.
Thanks so much, Professor.
And Happy New Year.
I've been advised of an effective way out of such a situation.
Would you mind exposing part of your abdomen?
It would be better if you closed your eyes.
Oh, God!
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Kopf, from the bottom of my heart.
Well, shall I start making arrangements?
Wait, no! No, please.
Not yet, there is another delicate matter.
- Yes? - No one else can know until midnight.
Until midnight? For religious reasons?
- You obviously don't read the tabloids. - No, I try not to.
For legal reasons... Wait, no.
It's a technicality.
I don't understand.
- Today is our wedding anniversary. - Yes, of course.
- We sang and then there was the penguin. - According to the will,
I stand to inherit everything,
but only after we've been married a full year.
Everything?
It's everything.
It's everything or it's nothing.
Well, indeed, I understand.
Turndown service!
Would you like your turndown service?
Sorry, would you like your turndown service, madam?
Turndown service?
Arthur, we don't need turndown service, do we?
No, no, thank you.
Would you like the chocolates, madam?
Chocolates?
Absolutely, my husband adores these chocolates.
- Have a good evening. - Thank you.
This will require your absolute discretion.
Something bad?
- Oh, yes. - How bad?
Bad bad.
A vertical departure.
- Who? - Dallas the Third.
Fuck!
- The penthouse? - Yes.
- It'll be done during the fireworks. - Excellent, Mrs. Frautschi, excellent.
Are you planning to dim the lights for the fireworks as usual?
- Right after the cow bells. - Switch them off completely.
Welcome, have a wonderful evening.
Coat, please.
Thank you.
Good evening, Mr. Madoff.
Have a wonderful evening and Happy New Year.
Thank you, sir.
- May I have your name, please? - Tell, Caspar Tell.
I don't seem to have your name on the list.
I gave you the invitation.
Yes, but your name needs to be on our guest list anyway.
Mr. Crush invited me, William Crush.
- There's "Mr. Crush and madam" here. - I'm his madam.
Well of course I'm not a madam, I'm his madman...
I mean, I'm his madam...
I understand completely, welcome, Mr. Tell.
Thank you.
- We are business partners. - Yes, sure.
Have a wonderful evening.
Good evening, madam.
Thank you.
- There's my man! - Mr. Crush.
Let's celebrate, huh?
Do we deserve to celebrate?
- Yes. - That's my pleasure to help, brother.
Excuse me, madam, sit right here.
Two champagne.
It was quite easy, really.
I was surprised how easy it turned out to be.
Well...
you know, the important thing that you learned today, my friend, is...
the best stuff comes easy.
Okay? Trust me.
I do.
Trust you, I mean.
I suppose I have to, now.
Well, what are we going to do now? When are we leaving?
Tomorrow.
What?
I don't think I can be ready by tomorrow.
I still haven't told my mother, I have to pack,
get organized, I have to... all the... Mr. Crush...
Call me Bill.
Okay, okay, Mr. Crush.
I mean, Bill.
Here's to trust, okay?
Okay.
- To trust, Bill. - To trust.
Good evening.
C'mon, darling.
- It's beautiful. - Yes.
Welcome, Excellency.
I hope our last-minute visit has not caused too much trouble.
Not at all, it's a true honor, your party is already at the table.
Would you like to join them or would you prefer an aperitif first?
- I'll join them at the table. - Follow me.
Good evening, Mr. Ambassador!
Trying to broadcast my presence to the entire world?
Sit down and shut up.
- All in order? - Absolutely.
- No problems? - None.
- Got everything? - Yes.
Where?
In the safe.
Where is it?
Downstairs.
The key?
Let's have a look.
I'll leave my wife here and you leave your friends.
Just you and me.
Behave!
Take good care of Mrs. Belova.
Irina Anatolievna, a drink?
This I understand!
Let's drink to Irina Anatolievna!
To your mother!
- And your grandmother! - To your dog!
- To your father! - And your grandfather!
To the whole family.
- Are you out of your mind? - Sorry, but this is the best we could do.
And it wasn't easy.
We had to dig out the right sized table and push the other tables to the side.
Well, push them more together and bring me a decent table.
The table is not so bad, Mr... Bill.
I mean, I think it's rather... it's rather nice.
Shut up!
And let me remind you that you had no reservation.
Had no reservation...
Listen...
I will not sit at this table.
I'll see what I can do for you, sir.
Mr. Ambassador, assuming you're still Ambassador,
the situation in Russia has changed.
A new president means new possibilities.
I'd like to revise our agreement.
We all took risks,
so let's be fair.
You might not like my line of thought.
Look at it like this.
There are three of us, plus three bodyguards.
With all due respect to your wife, you are alone.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm pretty damn sure.
I want to re-negotiate.
I'm listening.
Fifty-fifty.
Here is my offer.
You take one,
while I'm still in a good mood.
Sooner or later, we will slice up the Russian cake
as usual.
And if one day we want to find you,
we will find you, even on the tiniest...
Hawaiian island.
- Two? - Don't push it, my boy.
Don't push it, my patience has limits.
I was only joking.
Joking? The key.
Let me see.
Very good.
Okay, as soon as you're finished...
Third time today!
Show your face, you son of a bitch!
Here it comes!
Caviar a go-go!
There she is.
Darling! You look sensational!
Stunning! Absolutely stunning!
Where's our lucky man?
Arthur...
Arthur sends his apologies.
He had another sleepless night.
I know something about that.
He decided to take a short nap, but he'll join us soon.
He wants his beauty sleep before coming to surprise us.
Handsome as Sean Connery.
How are you?
It's such a significant day,
especially for you.
It's so...
It's hard to put into words.
We were so happy...
We are, we are...
so happy, we always will be.
Welcome back.
What did you scarf down?
My friends, let's toast our new leader,
who will take care of us
for many, many years to come!
What?
I wonder if I can bring my mother!
I can't leave her alone, I'm all she's got.
- Your mother? - Yes, my mother.
Bring your mother, bring whoever the hell you want, I don't care.
Really? That's so nice, Bill, I...
She's gonna die soon.
She's 98, I think she's gonna die soon.
Great.
And she likes hot weather.
Hot weather! I'm saying, she likes it hot.
Hot! My mama!
Mama likes hot, so...
I'd better go check on Arthur, he must be awake by now.
- We're coming with you, darling. - Maybe we should all go?
- Let's give Arthur a surprise! - No, no, that's a very bad idea.
You know Arthur, he'd be embarrassed to be seen without his bowtie.
OK, we'll wait here patiently.
- But hurry up, please. - We won't touch the cake.
We'll certainly be down for the fireworks, Arthur loves fireworks.
I must go to the men's room, Bill.
I really must.
Now? What about your caviar?
No... I'm so sorry, Bill, I...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry!
I'm so sorry, I...
I'm sorry, really, you...
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
- Sorry! - Be more careful.
Yeah, madam, sorry.
Oh, God!
What have you done, Caspar?
What have you done? How could you?
After so many years of diligence!
I deserve to be seeing penguins and hearing voices...
Gimme a drag.
Look at that poor baby, he's waiting for his mommy.
I bet he needs help.
Hi, I'm your mommy.
- Help yourself. - Go ahead!
No, I don't smoke ciggie.
Is this marijuana?
I smoke marijuana!
I deserve this, you know?
Mommy gives you permission.
My name... my name is...
- How cute! - Caspar, Caspar Tell.
- That's my name. - I'm Natasha, she's Zoijka.
I'm the woman of your dreams.
Fuck!
Oh, shit!
I know who you are.
Holy shit!
You don't mind, do you? You're probably used to this.
You know what? I'm glad I get to see that with my own two eyes
- I haven't really been hiding it. - It's a monster you got there, brother.
Hey, let me ask you something, is it...
Is it true that... that thing is insured for five million bucks?
It used to be, when it was earning.
I wouldn't spend a penny on it now.
You can't get wood, right? What good is it?
You could always join the circus.
- Something special, sir? - Something very special.
- Want to know why? - Sure.
- Because I can afford it. - Because he can afford it.
Good for you, sir.
That one looks beautiful!
- I want that one, please. - Good eye, sir.
- Do you like this? - Yes! Yes!
Bollinger, 1938
1938
Our only bottle.
One of the finest champagnes money can buy.
You'll never know who invited me tonight.
I was invited by Mr. Crush himself.
Who is that?
- What? - You don't know Mr. Crush?
There he is, Mr. Crush! Bill!
- This is Mr. Crush... - Caspar!
- My best friend and business partner. - Where were you? Your mother's worried.
She's looking all over for you.
I called you a cab, get his ass out of here.
- Where did you get this tan? Brazil? - It's natural.
Dominican?
Natural?
I'll come back, Billy.
Your guest charged this to your room, could you sign, please?
12,450...
Is this a joke?
It's a unique vintage: Bollinger Collection 1938.
Well, take 1938 and stick it up your ass.
I'm sure I know him from somewhere.
OK, c'mon.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Don't hurt him.
Please, for the love of God!
My condolences, Mrs. Dallas.
Mine as well, he was such a kind man.
- You know what to do, Mrs. Frautschi? - Of course, Mr. Kopf.
Don't forget your Czechs, their accommodation is ready.
Oh, my God, the Czechs.
Yes, yes.
He would've loved watching the fireworks.
So, finally, your accommodation is ready.
You will have clean sheets and mattresses, and it's warm.
Thank you, Mr. Kopf, thank you!
We want to invite you to Ceské Budejovice.
We have two rooms, you can have one all for yourself!
Thank you.
- What did you do? - We're so happy to see you again
Dr. Lima!
Look!
He's fixed them so much, he can't tell them apart.
Happy New Year!
Did you see a little strange asshole come by here?
He had the same cone hat as you.
He was with three beautiful Russians models.
Happy New Year!
Okay, come, come, come.
Please.
Try that way!
Please, come this way.
Mr. Crush!
He fainted with emotion!
Oh, shit, it's a heart attack!
Tonino, Tonino!
Olivia! Olivia, can you hear me?
Try mouth-to-mouth, I'll call an ambulance right away.
- Mouth-to-mouth? - Yes, yes, do it!
Sorry!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry!
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
Four, three!
Two, one...
Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year! - Happy New Year.
Happy New Year!
Tonino!
- Yes, boss? - Now!
- Y2K! - It's really happening.
Nostradamus was right, this is the end of the world!
Oh, my God, it's happening!
What's happening? Look around, nothing's happening, they do this every year.
Everything is gonna be fine, it's gonna be okay.
Arthur, honeycakes!
Happy New Year!
We survived Y2K!
Didn't I tell you it was only a hoax?
Happy New Year, Amanda, Arthur's really exhausted.
Well, of course.
Can you believe that?
Fucking broken-down old snob!
I gave him his first decent blowjob and he doesn't even look at me.
My God, what money does to people!
Tonino, switch back on.
Will Grandpa go to heaven?
Or to hell?
I don't know, girls.
Help yourself.
Just one.
Listen, don't drink it all at once.
Happy New Year, Mr. Ambassador.
Same to you, Happy New Year!
Close that fucking door! What are you doing?
Shit!
Happy New Year, Mr. Kopf.
Happy New Year.
Do you have a spare key for the safe?
I already gave you the key.
Yes, but do you have a spare?
No, there is no spare.
Then you have a problem, Mr. Kopf, because our Ambassador
is locked inside your safe.
I have a problem?
You have a problem, huh?
Maybe? Maybe.
Happy New Year.
Fuck.
I came to repair drain.
Thank you so much.
That was...
the best New Year's party I've ever had.
- Have a great evening. - Yeah.
Happy New Year.
Subtitles: Laser S. Film s.r.I. - Rome